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Reddit mentions of SM 101: A Realistic Introduction

Sentiment score: 37
Reddit mentions: 54

We found 54 Reddit mentions of SM 101: A Realistic Introduction. Here are the top ones.

SM 101: A Realistic Introduction
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Found 54 comments on SM 101: A Realistic Introduction:

u/VonHavoc · 25 pointsr/AskReddit

I cannot stress this enough: do not be coy with him. Don't be vague, don't drop hints, don't slip a coil of rope under his pillow. A partner who is straightforward and unambiguous in their sexual interests is male Nirvana, and I don't mean the band. Conversely, someone who is vague and hint dropping without ever clearly defining what is and is not okay is hellish. When it is something like this where the line between "happy fun times" and "sexual assault and/or battery" can be really thin, that's cheerfully waltzing into the land of eternal vanilla sex.

Men LIKE knowing what their partners are into. Having a partner with specific turnons like yours is awesome. Having a partner with a fetish is, usually, even more awesome. Be open, be gentle, explain that you will be content without these activities but that you fantasize about doing this with him and that you would really like to try. Stress the imperial "we" if you think he is going to be uncomfortable in the context of "doings things to you." Work with eachother to create safe practices, and set clear limits and boundaries. While it might kill the romance a little, having a "script" of things you want done to you will help, especially if you are just going to add in a rough element or two to normal sexual sessions to gradually introduce him to the idea. If he loves you enough to marry you, he loves you enough to work with you on this. We can be surprisingly trainable when it comes to finding things sexually arousing.

Some recommended reading!

u/jeffhawke · 20 pointsr/sex

What your girlfriend probably told you is that she has fantasies of being humiliated and dominated.

That's really different from what you heard and told us, that she wants you to dominate and humiliate her.

She is definitely a kinky person. But she's so young and she's been with you since she was an adult that I don't think she has any experience in kink.

Kink shouldn't be done without being very cautious, kink can be personal, difficult and if done wrong, can harm a person both psychologically and physically. Also, consent is a very touchy subject when doing kink and you should thread very carefully.

You should both talk a lot about this, especially if she's not experienced.

I strongly suggest that both of you educate yourself on the subject of kink and domination. There are so many wonderful books on the subject that it can be difficult to start but I suggest:

Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt - When someone you love is kinky - Greenery Press 2000

A wonderful and thoughtful book that can help many a couple to approach and tackle the difficulties of coming out of the kinky closet.

Jay Wiseman - SM 101, second edition - Greenery Press 1996
A classic in its own right, SM 101 has introduced many generations to the practices and the good manners of doing SM even before the term BDSM came into play. And also, how to ask for consent and all the required safeties needed in kink.

Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt - The Ethical Slut, A guide to infinite sexual possibilities - Greenery Press 1997
Another ageless classic, mostly about non-monogamic, non-traditional relationships but still a book that can help you understand how discussions and confrontations can be done easily and safely when talking about sex and relationships and similar difficult subjects.

These are the bare minimum. She (and maybe you too) should also sign up on FetLife (https://fetlife.com/) and find others with the same interest, people on Fetlife are always happy to help newcomers (unless you're very rude).
Also, on Fetlife you can see if you can find a munch in your area so that you both can go and talk to other more experience people in an nonthreatening environment.

You could also see if you can go to one of the many BDSM conventions around the country, so that you can both see for yourself how it is done and that kink is possible without feeling (nor being) a horrible person.

So, don't be put off by her not wanting to have sex with you. She's probably thinking that she disgusts you now that she has expressed her "wicked" fantasies.

Also please please PLEASE DO NOT TRY ANYTHING WITH HER WITHOUT FIRST TALKING WITH HER ABOUT IT.

Even if she has asked before, it's still a violence if you don't get consent, explicit and in advance consent for anything that you do to her.

TL;DR
You should both inform yourself by reading the proposed books, signing up in FetLife, going to munches and talking to other experienced people before doing anything in the bedroom.

u/UranianGirl · 14 pointsr/dragonage

At first I decided I would ride the Bull with my Dwarfquisitor for the lulz (and I hart couples with giant height discrepancies it's too adorbs). Then I got to the first sex scene and was, like, super excited about the BDSM undertones.

I've been in the BDSM lifestyle for years and identify as a sub. Right now, in a world where 50 Shades of Grey is being made into a multi-million dollar movie, any sort of healthy and accurate representation of this lifestyle--my lifestyle--is a breath of fresh air.

But as I continued Iron Bull's romance I realized Bioware hadn't just put in BDSM undertones; they'd written a full blown, explicitly stated, safe-word-and-everything BDSM relationship. Suddenly seeing my own relationship represented accurately instead of as being abusive and deviant made me so happy. To see it in a Bioware RPG made it special, though, as I've been playin (and romancin) since KotOR.

Communication of and respect for boundaries are at the core of BDSM, and Iron Bull illustrates both of these to the player very well. He starts by telling the Inquisitor that this stays in the bedroom, that "out there everything is still the same. You're the Inquisitor, you're the Boss." This is the reality for most BDSM relationships--there is playtime, and there is real life. 24/7 BDSM relationships are not common, but because they're more extreme people hear about them more and come to believe they are the norm.

Bull goes on to employ a safeword (say "katoh" and "everything stops. No questions asked."). In doing this he puts the Inquisitor in charge even though they are a sub, and that's the difference between a BDSM relationship and an abusive one: who is in charge.

Moreover, Iron Bull's later explanation for why the Inquisitor wants this relationship ("You need a safe place--one where you're not in charge.") is on point with some current theories about the psychology of BDSM and particularly of those who identify as subs/bottoms (source: SM 101 by Jay Wiseman).

The writers did their homework and it shows. Bioware wasn't just trying to jump on some 50 Shades train because it's not just Bull. The Qunari have a well-developed, wholly different and fascinating culture--including that which surrounds sex and relationships--and that makes Iron Bull a really sex positive character overall.

Very cool, Bioware. Very cool.

^((all quotes I paraphrased from memory)^)

u/nacreous · 9 pointsr/sex

Rape play is advanced-level stuff. You don't do this without discussing it thoroughly with her first and at minimum establishing a safeword. Get a copy of SM101 and learn to do this stuff right.

Also, seriously, read this post, which is about rape play gone wrong.

Be safe, sane, and consensual.

u/FeralQueen · 9 pointsr/sex

Hey there. I'm a girl, 24 years old, and I'm a sadist (sadomasochist, really). I love watching people's reactions as I hurt them, but as soon as I know they aren't enjoying it, I stop. Non-consensual or unintended pain is a complete turn off for me. I'd feel terrible knowing I'd actually hurt somebody in ways that they didn't like.

What really gets me going is knowing that the person I'm applying sensations to is enjoying themselves and turned on by what I'm doing. Something of an empathetic response since I know what it's like to enjoy pain.

So it's completely possible to pursue a kinky sex life in a responsible, ethical way. There are thousands of people out there who do it and have their lives and relationships deepened and enriched by it. You just need to find partners that complement your desires and needs. :3

I highly recommend reading The New Topping Book as well as The New Bottoming Book. SM 101 is also another book I've seen highly recommended.

You can download the kindle app for your PC free. I hope you can find resolution and peace with yourself. :3

u/twotoomanycats · 8 pointsr/BDSMcommunity

It's not too young. The TNG (the next generation) group in my area is for ages 19-39. Just make sure the munch you want to go to isn't at a bar that's 21+.

(Assuming you're looking to submit to a woman rather than a man--I was a bit confused about this from your post) I don't know about where you live, but male subs are welcomed and embraced in my local community. There are plenty of dominant/switch women looking for male subs. Just treat them like normal people. Don't call them by an honorific unless they ask you to, and don't assume that just because they're dominant that they want to dominate you. By the same token, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do just because you're submissive.

Edit: also, this is your reading assignment: SM 101 by Jay Wiseman

u/Her_Captain · 7 pointsr/BDSMcommunity

So in saying the BD versus the SM, I assume you mean Bondage and Discipline, and Sadism and Masochism. Fun note, the acronym is more complex than most would think, as the DS also stands for Dominance and Submission. So 6 initials in 4! Woo!

Alright, goofery aside, yes, you can be submissive without being masochistic. It really depends on the partners you're playing with, and what you consent to beforehand. It sounds like you're looking to explore. I'd advise you to look around, and meet people before jumping in. BDSM can be a little much if you just jump in feet first.

The advice given out 99% of the time, is to join fetlife, and look around in your area. If you live in a decent sized city (more than 2 stoplights) there's a chance there are groups around you. The easiest course would be to look, find a group that's not too scary, and attend a munch. It's a great way to meet people in the scene, and get comfortable. If it still sounds like something you wanna try, and a scene you want to get in to, you should be in a good position to advance from there.

There are also a handful of books that are worth reading, SM 101 (A little outdated, but has good info still), and Screw the Roses are good ones. I'm sure more people will add book suggestions.

If you want to engage in play at some point, and decide to set something up with someone locally, come back and tell us, and we'll prattle on about all the safety things you should do before your first meeting. But, SM 101 covers that well enough that you should know what to do. Side note: Part of the "outdated" has to do with that, because he talks about these new things called "cellular phones", and how they might be useful for check ins, if you regularly meet up with people. Good thing that newfangled technology never caught on!

u/bite_night · 6 pointsr/AgePlaying

I suggest a slow introduction to your " middle head space", head space is the place you go to when your " older neighbor" makes you feel vulnerable in a safe and loving environment, allowing you deeper still into your head space.

The first step or really rule to head space intro is: to recognize that there is no such thing as too slow

Second step : Set up perimeters in what is ok and what is not, boundaries such as: no daddy Role Play, but what can he call you ? Or you him? Naughty Neighbor? Dirty Girl? Sir? Terrible teen? etc.. Safe words such as Banana means stop- Banana cream means continue but your doing too much of one thing, but you may continue- Banana bread means STOP EVERYTHING get me out of this predicament NOW!


The Game: Let's get the giggles out

I have found a GREAT head space intro in tickling while tied.
In order to work he must be merciless, demanding, in control, and most importantly safe.

To prepare start with a basic wrist bind tie

http://youtu.be/Hixu3CHwEXw

Don't worry if you get the giggles as the scene doesn't start till after your bound, next as illustrated in the video take the rope lead or extra and secure to a fixed object ie.. bed post, sofa legs, horizontal closet bar. Any place that can take a thrashing and pulling

The Scenario:
Terrible Teen has been playing in the rosebushes and now, she's stuck! The only one who can hear her cries for help is her older perverted neighbor, who always watches her when she leaves to school, and it looks like he's going to take advantage of the situation.

Rules: No erogenous zone touching for at least 30 mins, the game is to find places you didn't know your lover was ticklish. Back of the legs-feet-rib cage- pelvic bone, back of calves, under arms or even (?) YOU find it

Keep moving, don't let her get use to one spot, be relentless. Use your hands, your mouth, your beard if applicable. TALK!! Tell her this is what she gets for teasing you, bending over and flashing her panties, etc... Illustrate you're the dominant one and she is the vulnerable one

IMPORTANT: *** Keep a pair of sheers close by listen for safe words, but unless you hear them, regardless if she cries for mercy, says stop, pleads, laughs till it hurts, keep tickling. Slower, faster, bombard her all over, concentrate on THE most ticklish spot, just keep tickling until she admits her weakness and agrees to do neighborly favors OR until a time limit only he knows has passed, or even keep a ticking timer, so she could hear the timer, but keep it faced away, maybe you won't stop even when the timer goes off, only you know

Pre-game: a wonderful sensual warm oil message

Post game: Cuddles ( very important), even if the scenario didn't lead to sex, but especially if it did. The goal is head space not sex, however the two can be intertwined when great head space is achieved. TALK about what you like best, what you both liked least, LEARN each other's minds and bodies is what it's all about


Good reference points:

http://www.bdsmwiki.info/Main_Page

Jay Wiseman SM 101 Great book for beginners
http://www.amazon.com/SM-101-A-Realistic-Introduction/dp/0963976389


P.S Don't worry about her giggling, it's merely nervousness that needs to be released, this game is designed to release PLENTY of giggles, also bring a towel as she will sweat a lot, and you can use duct tape instead of rope

u/baddestdog · 5 pointsr/BDSMcommunity

The New Topping Book - For good general Dom knowledge

The New Bottoming Book - For good general Sub knowledge

SM 101: A Realistic Introduction - Nice Intro Book

Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns - Another good book into BDSM

Two Knotty Books: Showing You the Ropes - Good knot book

Two Knotty Boys: Back on the Ropes - Another good knot book

Erotic Bondage Handbook - Another knot book

Shibari You can USe - Book on Shibari knots

Videos on knots - TwistedMonk

u/Rig_Daddy · 5 pointsr/KINK

SM 101 by Jay Wiseman is a great start. Jay is a trained emergency tech who has been the self appointed safety officer for the SM community for a long time. While I think he is too conservative at times, for the noob that's not a bad thing.

u/strolls · 4 pointsr/AskReddit

Choking is dangerous. It's breath control - read what Jay Wiseman's SM101 has to say about that.

IMO it should be limited to holding her windpipe as if you're about to choke her, but not actually applying any pressure. That's enough for some girls to get off plenty - especially if you have the rest of the dominant manner about you.

u/clever_name · 4 pointsr/sex

In the name of science have her go book shopping with him.

Some decent books:

Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns

The Loving Dominant

S&M101 though, I think the first two are much better for feeling out dominance play....S&M101 I feel is a little more dated and reads a tad more like a "technical guide"

They can learn a lot about each other by reading up and discussing. She might find somethings that pique her interest. He should be able to find examples of things he'd find hot. Everyone wins.

u/hacksoncode · 4 pointsr/bdsm

You're looking for SM 101 by Jay Wiseman

u/premedmsbi · 4 pointsr/BDSMAdvice

I think that’s probably a lot for a first weekend.

I would say maybe hand cuffs with her wrists together in front or behind her first time. Preferably above her head or something so you can have sex facing her so you can see her reactions.

You could use the vibrating egg on her during that time and “force” (tell) her to keep her legs open to add a more dominant twinge.

If it goes well, you could hand cuff her to the bed. Maybe try sex-appropriate candles (honestly I suggest soy oil massage candles to start) and use that perhaps with ice and cooling or warming lube (on her nipples and nether regions) while she is handcuffed in an X. You could even add ankle cuffs.

After a little bit of experimenting, I would say you both sit down and answer questions on this couples quiz. You should both fill out the comments too!

https://carnalcalibration.com/en


Keep this in mind - Emotion is the start to good sexual connection. - Gary Chapman’s 5 love languages

So while adding or even just contemplating/considering new sexual activities can spark hormones and increase libido, you need to get a trustworthy introduction to BDSM.... I would suggest this book: Jay Wise’s SM

https://www.amazon.com/101-Realistic-Introduction-Jay-Wiseman/dp/0963976389

Order of progression that I would suggest:

  1. hand cuffs and ankle cuffs in positions where you can see her face and see her reaction

  2. Add temperature play - think cooling lube, warming lube (highly suggest System Jo), massage candle (highly suggest Jimmy Jane), drip candles (made for BDSM as they burn at a lower temperature), nipple stimulating gels (such as Jelique Nipple Nibblers).

  3. Add sensation overload in a pleasurable way. Consider “forced” orgasm. Think of it this way, you could restrain her in an x shape using the hand cuffs and ankle cuffs. Then you stimulate her using toys, such as a vibrator or a magic wand externally while you finger her, or using a rabbit vibrator (highly recommend the Jimmy Jane Glo which is a flexible warming rabbit), or you finger her or eat her out. The idea is you decide how many times she must orgasm before you fuck her. She’ll be begging for your cock.

    On the other hand, you could do orgasm denial. It’s where you tell her she can’t cum until a certain thing, and she tries not to. She’ll be begging to be “allowed” to cum. If she cums without permission, you could punish her such as spanking her.

  4. Add spanking and consider adding a large surface area paddle that is flexible. Slowly progress to smaller and less flexible paddles. Then when she’s ready you can consider adding a flogger.

  5. Consider buying new/different sex toys. Companies like PinkCherry offer a lot of options. Try discount code PINK35 for 35% off.

  6. If you are both interested in considering anal, check out B-vibe (https://www.bvibe.com/best-selling-bundles/butt-plug-set-for-beginners.html). They have excellent starter kits that include lube, toy cleaner and even a booklet for introduction to anal. Enjoy 20% off your first order with the code BVIBES.

    On a further note:
    I suggest using System Jo lubes!! They have a lot of options and something for everyone (just remember that you cannot use silicone lube with silicone toys.) And if you are into oral sex or rim jobs, definitely try their gelato flavored lube as well as the creme brulee and banana!!

    Have fun!!!
u/lethrowaway9 · 3 pointsr/OkCupid

Consent is king.

Massively upvote what /u/duckduck_goose said. Choking is NOT something you do on a first time encounter, and it should only be done after extensively discussing the boundaries.

Required reading for anyone who is considering doing stuff beyond vanilla sex

u/QuietlyLearning · 3 pointsr/BDSMcommunity

On top of verbal safe words, have a set of ways to signal to end the scene through touch. Three light taps has worked for me as they are contrast to the usual clawing and grabbing that happens. This will come in handy with your deep throat training.

I'm glad to hear that all is well. It may seem cliché, but adding a power exchange dynamic to the bedroom may be what is needed to jump start the bedroom; this require that the reason be something beyond communication and trust that is causing a lack of enthusiasm.

Having these anecdotes also helps for showing that BDSM does not have to be the mainstream stereotype. As for your introduction, you may be interested in books such as The Loving Dominant and SM 101.

Along with the two books I recommended, having a power exchange doesn't have to involve pain. One example I use is rope bondage. This does not have to include pain; the removal of physical agency is quite powerful alone. Ropes may be out of your realm but other painless methods are available such as sensory deprivation.

Best of luck.

u/WasntThereAgain · 3 pointsr/GSMadvocates

Do what makes you happy. Have fun with it! I'd recommend reading SM 101 for a nice introduction into things. Playing with handcuffs (have two sets of keys or safety cuffs!) or bondage ropes, light spanking, light biting, etc. are all things people usually try to start with. As you go along, you'll find what works for you and what doesn't.

Just make sure that everything is consensual, safe and makes both of you turned on. <3

u/MasterRycharde · 3 pointsr/BDSMcommunity

Definitely. There is a wide diversity to the world of BDSM. Sadomasochism is just a portion. The favorite site I use is FetLife as well as many books on BDSM.

I see where some one suggested Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns, this book is written for the sadist and masochist in mind. S&M 101 is definitely a good book as are The Loving Dominant, The New Bottoming Book as well as The New Topping Book.

If you decide to join FetLife, a free website if you are wondering, you may send me a PM for any guidance of the FL site and general help. And no, I'm not trolling since I am definitely a sadist. You're outside of my search criteria. LOL My page is here if you want to get in touch with me.

I hope you find what you are looking for and good luck.

Master Rycharde

u/ParkerColeman · 3 pointsr/BDSMAdvice

I'm hearing you when you're saying this stuff is embarassing to you and you're feeling shy about your desires. This is natural.

Over time, though, I hope you can get to a place where you can be really open and honest with your partner. Kinky sex requires open, honest communication.

When you say:

> So when he wants to get rough i am nervous. I'm nervous toget hurt forreal and i dont know how to feel about it.

It will help your nerves if you get a better idea of what you're going to do, and talk about it, rather than avoiding the conversation and diving right in.

>I want to surprise him one day so he could just come home and go wild but how?

This is a fun instinct! But, again, it's much better to leave "surprises" for later, and focus now on figuring out what you are open to, or even excited about, and communicating that to your partner!

A great place to start is to take these quizzes:

https://mojoupgrade.com/

https://bdsmtest.org/select-mode

BDSM is really an umbrella for many overlaping things, and these little quizzes can really be helpful to understand what kind of stuff you might be into, and what kinds of roles you're most drawn to.

After you take the Mojoupgrade quiz, you should have a list of exciting new ideas and things that might be fun to explore. If your partner also took the quiz (they totally should!), you might have one big list or two separate lists. Either's great.

Decide on a safeword. An easy option is the 'stoplight system':

Red for "let's stop right now" and

Yellow for "I'm at my limit, we don't have to stop but let's take it down a notch."

Green means "all good, let's keep going."

(It's a two-word call and response: "Light?" "Green!" Super easy.)

After playing, cuddle and spend low-key time together reconnecting. This is called aftercare, and it's critically important.

When you're ready to learn more, check out these websites and books.

https://www.xruniversity.com/ (free and great!)

https://www.kinkacademy.com/ (some free stuff, some paid content, all great!)

I like The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book to get you started.

SM 101 is also a good place to start.

And feel free to ask questions here!

You'll have the best results if you do a little more self-directed learning, so you can come back to the community with a more specific question. (Questions like the one you asked come up so frequently, they often dont generate many responses.)

u/subgirl614 · 3 pointsr/BDSMcommunity

You've got a lot of options here, but it seems like you're rushing things. Based on your description, you need to talk to her a lot more about what's going to happen. It's really important to make sure that you discuss any limits you both have and put a safeword in place if either of you feels overwhelmed or uncomfortable or just plain unsafe. I'd recommend using the stoplight system (green - everything's okay/continue, yellow - something is wrong and needs to be adjusted/fixed, red - stop everything). If you're interested in being dominant and topping, you have to listen to what she says about the scenario. She becomes your responsibility during the time that she's bottoming/submitting. Just because you're comfortable with this doesn't mean that she is or will continue to be. If she wants to stop at any point, you must stop.

If you're serious about this, I heavily recommend doing some basic reading/research on BDSM play before partaking in any actual activities. SM101 and Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns are generally recommended for people new to BDSM. For web reading, I like this site, Leather and Roses. It's got a lot of general information and I like that they separate out the essays and articles based on topics. Definitely read the essays on limits and negotiation, dominance, submission.

If you're not willing to read more about BDSM and feel comfortable talking to her about what you want, how she feels about all of this, and seriously take what she says into consideration, then you shouldn't be playing. Remember that there's no rush and you don't have to do everything the first time around. There is always more time and more things to do. Safety first.

u/Zarindast · 3 pointsr/BDSMcommunity

Here are some resources they might find useful:

SM 101: A Realistic Introduction http://www.amazon.com/SM-101-A-Realistic-Introduction/dp/0963976389

The New Bottoming Book http://www.amazon.com/The-Bottoming-Book-Janet-Hardy/dp/1890159352 can be helpful.

And here is a BDSM checklist http://www.cepemo.com/checklist.html that you can send them.

And this is a very good example of an Activity/Limit list by AeternaServus https://medium.com/p/b6e71d7663be In it, the writer has gone into detail about how they feel about certain activities.

And as a Dom, you might enjoy http://www.amazon.com/The-Topping-Book-Dossie-Easton/dp/1890159360

I hope these are helpful to you.

Also be aware that it is sometimes difficult to verify ages online, even with the help of online verification registers etc. http://www.nytimes.com/2012/06/18/technology/verifying-ages-online-is-a-daunting-task-even-for-experts.html?_r=0

u/triple110 · 3 pointsr/videos

Because, we (as a society), are obsessed with the weird and unusual. In other words, the outsiders of social norms. Those too fearful to find out more will catalog generalities in a way to protect themselves from something they don't understand or wish to acknowledge within themselves.

There's a bit of irony that the public vision of BDSM is leather clad mistresses with whips and chains (which in itself becomes a fetishization BDSM). Show up to a BDSM event in something out of the Matrix and you'll be looked upon by other members as a freak too. People don't realize that many of the people that participate in the BDSM communities are a 'normal' as the next person. They are filled with lawyers, cops, accountants, businessmen/women, CEOs, to Fast Food workers. At an event you are more likely to find people in their 'relaxed' wear...dirty t-shirts and boxers with hearts on them.

To this day, anyone who seems genuinely interested, regardless of whether they read Fifty Shades of Grey, I point them too 2 books, SM101 and Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns. They are still the go to books on BDSM.

u/masterctrl214 · 2 pointsr/BDSMcommunity

Buy him some books like S&M 101

There is a lot of information out there and education opportunities

u/talanton · 2 pointsr/offmychest

If you're in a big city, the chances of it working out well are better because there's usually more room for the lifestyle. Maybe look at registering on Fetlife. Do a lot of reading, see if there are any munches in your area.

Check out the following:

SM 101 - Jay Wiseman

Learning the Ropes

The Ties That Bind

Depending on the city you're in, some specialty shops act as hubs for classes and community listings, like Passionale in Philly.

You have to get the bare minimum of knowledge to safely be able to do a negotiation, and understand what you're trying to get into on your own. Finding a group of people helps ensure safety by people knowing each other.

u/BohemianPunk · 2 pointsr/bdsm

Get a pair of safety shears so you can cut her out of all this stuff if anything goes wrong.
Read this book.
Try to think of how you could tie her to different pieces of furniture throughout the house or bedroom; be creative (but not over-forceful - only actually do it if she's reasonably comfortable when you actually tie her to stuff).
Have a safeword and if she's gagged have a safe hand signal (one that works well is giving her a set of keys to hold - if she drops the keys, you stop; even if she drops them by accident then you stop fucking her to show you're serious and then it also works as a tease and an incentive to pay attention)

u/PlaidCoat · 2 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

Read some real non-fiction. Please don't listen to a lot of the advice here to watch movies with BDSM themes, or novels. A lot of the time the stuff in the movies/novels ins't exactly safe or what a lot of us would consider consensual.

Safe, sane, and consensual is the way to go things. Set up a safe word before hand. Negotiate with your wife, what her boundaries are or might be. Go from there

Here are some good resources:

/r/bdsm

The Loving Dominant By John Warren

*SM101: A Realistic Introduction By Jay Wiseman

u/hdvmedia · 2 pointsr/BDSMAdvice

I echo ephony5's sentiments. All you need is to be her Dom. There are likely things that she likes, is into, or curious about, and there are things that she's likely not interested in.

The good news is you get to focus on things that she likes and that you both can share together.

These would be a good start for you.

SM 101: A Realistic Introduction 2nd Edition
https://www.amazon.com/101-Realistic-Introduction-Jay-Wiseman/dp/0963976389/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_2?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0963976389&pd_rd_r=Q2TBDATJSPJ5NE75M5JK&pd_rd_w=P8mfT&pd_rd_wg=W3Gd3&psc=1&refRID=Q2TBDATJSPJ5NE75M5JK


Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism
https://www.amazon.com/Screw-Roses-Send-Thorns-Sadomasochism/dp/0964596008/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_14_t_2/132-8810996-6709733?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=6HFP9C4RR6KH9RJ0V4RD

u/alan713ch · 2 pointsr/askgaybros

SM 101: A Realistic Introduction https://www.amazon.com/dp/0963976389/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awd_ge0BwbFQV74QK

This book is like the bible. A bit outdated though.

Check fetlife to see if there are munches in your area, then go to the munch and meet people. A munch is a meetup in a public space so people can get to know each other before anything.

Whatever you do, you need to get to meet the other person before you do any kind of play. That will help you determine if you are compatible, as well as let you see how much someone will follow the rules set up for the scene. However, it is not infallible, which is why the buddy system also needs to be followed: have someone know where you'll be, and that you'll reach them at a certain hour, and what to do if you don't contact them.

u/CaspianX2 · 2 pointsr/AskBDSM

Okay, first of all, there may be a cause/effect and there may not, but in either case, you want to be very careful if you talk about this with her, because you don't want to cause her to associate something enjoys with something that traumatized her.

So as for how to go about it, a few resources and a few suggestions. First, the resources:

If you want some good reading material about this, check out Screw the Roses and SM 101. These two books are among the most respected when it comes to this topic matter. You might also want to get yourself on Fetlife, a community you can use to look up more advice, perhaps even in specific areas.

Now, as for my own advice:

You two should start with something called Negotiation. This is a process where you decide what you'll be doing before you do anything. I know it seems sexy to be surprised, but you can cover a lot of ground so she won't necessarily be able to predict what you'll do, but know that whatever you do will be something you agree on.

Take some time to get a feel for different things you could do, and then find out from her what she's interested in, what she does not want to do, and what she isn't sure about. Maybe her idea of "violent" isn't the same as yours. You need to get a very clear idea of what she wants before you do anything.

One thing that it seems like just about every girl I've encountered seems to like is having their hair pulled, but it has to be done in a specific way - don't just grab a fistful and tug. Instead, put your hand flat against the back of her neck with your fingers pointed up and move your fingers up the neck and into the hair as close to the scalp as you can. When you're at the base of the scalp, grab a handful that's as close to the scalp as possible. Doing this feels better, isn't quite as painful, and gives you some good control over where to move the head. This way you can be more forceful without causing not-fun pain.

For any kind of new play, always start slow and as light as possible. You need to ease into it, both because she's still deciding what she does or doesn't like, and because even if someone likes something that doesn't mean they want to go from zero to sixty right off the bat.

Play using floggers, paddles, canes, or bare hands used to strike is referred to as "impact", and different people have different reactions to it depending on the location it is used on the body. Usually, the butt is a pretty safe bet for most kinds of impact, but there's also the boobs and inner thighs, and the genitals. Again, start light and gradually increase it to see what kind of response you get.

There's also light biting that you can do (again, gradually work your way up), and you can do nipple torture, tugging on them or flicking them - some girls like this, but some absolutely hate it, so be careful.

For face-slapping, you want to be careful with both your aim and how strong you hit. Again, start soft, and you need to be sure to get the cheek/side of the head. Be careful not to get the eyes, mouth, or jaw.

Finally, while you may be tempted to do some choking/breath play, be aware that this can be extremely dangerous, and you should read up on the risks associated with this before even considering it. I won't tell people outright not to do it, but be warned that it is not to be taken lightly.

Hopefully this is a good start for you. Good luck!

u/aeturnum · 2 pointsr/sex

There are a lot of resources out there, but as a general introduction you can't really go wrong with the old school choice: SM 101. It's a little old fashioned, but it lays down the basics of how to think about play and the genres of play people engage in. It can be used as a jumping off point.

I'd suggest getting it and reading it together and talking about it as you two go.

u/deenagetirtbag · 2 pointsr/gay

Read this.

u/Bottomisbest · 2 pointsr/BDSMcommunity

Negotiation checklists can be very excellent for this sort of thing. Find one that’s ridiculously extensive, then you each fill it out on your own, then come together and see where there’s overlap in the things you’d both be interested in trying. From there, you have a whole pool of options so you can go in knowing where the lines are, which can help with having more confidence in what you’re doing, while also giving her the excitement of not knowing which of the things you might choose + proof that you’re just as excited as she is for some of these things.

And while you could dive straight from checklist to play, I’d actually highly recommend “practice” sessions first. What’s great about practice sessions is that the expectation no longer becomes that you’re going to go in and just know everything (which is a very unfortunate prolific trope—albeit highly inaccurate: Doms aren’t born, they’re made); ask if she could give you feedback while you try one of the things of mutual interest, say what feels good/doesn’t, what would make it more intense, etc. Inviting that sort of great communication before you go in for the “real deal” gives you a chance to learn how to better do whatever thing it is you want to do, like spankings, impact, rope, electricity, you name it. And then you can build your confidence and mastery in them so you can bust them out in a more organic, spontaneous way.

It’s great that you’re taking the initiative like this, which does seem to indicate that you might enjoy the kinky side more than you realize. I don’t think you’re doomed, it just sounds like maybe there might be some (understandable, but incorrect) preconceived notions re kink as it’s portrayed in romance novels vs how people become proficient in reality. Happy playing!

Some of My Fav Resources:
Rope: crash restraint, remedial ropes
General/Various: Stefanos and Shay, SM 101
Workshops/classes

u/AskDrKat · 2 pointsr/promos

Getting over that awkward stage when you are new to BDSM can be well, awkward. It is fabulous that the SO wants in on it. BDSM can be a great way to develop emotional and physical intimacy with a partner. I actually believe that it can improve communication skills too.

I have a bit of a primer I have written that you might want to check out: http://drkat.com/power-play-for-novices-aka-sm-and-bd/ and an absolutely great book to begin with is: http://www.amazon.com/SM-101-A-Realistic-Introduction/dp/0963976389/ref=pd_sim_sbs_b_1?ie=UTF8&refRID=0G78HR6SHSH8525RDH7P

u/[deleted] · 2 pointsr/bdsm

A great read for newbies is SM:101 and if you are into the bondage aspect of it, knotty boys.

by no means the be all end all of bdsm books but a good place to start. SM101 is good because it teaches you the safety aspects of bdsm. A VERY important part of it. safety first and goood luck and happy playing!

u/Secretiveslave · 2 pointsr/SubSanctuary

There are a lot of really good books that I've enjoyed like Slavecraft, SM 101, The bottoming book.

I can understand someone helping you find your kinky identity I just think the way you phrased "proper sub behavior" is misleading yourself a bit. You won't find your proper self in books, you'll only learn what other people have done. Who you are is probably what he wants you to find, your true self. Books, FAQs, websites, etc. are just a way for you to do that. They aren't rule books for you to follow.

u/clawclawbite · 1 pointr/BDSMcommunity

http://www.amazon.com/Sm-101-A-Realistic-Introduction/dp/0963976389/

Not a great book, but covers a wide range of material.

Go slow. Talk about things you or he are interested in, if you both are up for them, try them, then talk again.

u/salaciousremoval · 1 pointr/BDSMcommunity

Sounds hot :)

(I'm sorry if you've already found this information. Just trying to give you some tips I received when I started experimenting more with BDSM.) If you're researching, you might want to check out some of Dossie Eaton and Janet W. Hardy's (old pseudonym is Catherine Listz) books. The Ethical Slut focuses on Poly, but it has a lot of good info about communication that's pretty applicable to all forms of kink and any other relationships. Both the New Bottoming Book and the New Topping Book are awesome. SM101 by Jay Wiseman is a great read too. These helped me a lot with navigating communication, wants, and needs.

u/pensivegargoyle · 1 pointr/AskReddit

It doesn't seem like you've talked to him enough about it. Why doesn't he like it? You might not have made him understand why you like it. "Vanilla" people tend to see just the pain involved. They don't want to inflict pain on someone they love and don't understand why someone would want to be hurt on purpose. So you'll need to explain that and/or maybe get him a book about BDSM. A decent all-purpose book I have is: http://www.amazon.com/On-Safe-Edge-Manual-Play/dp/1895857058 This looks good and is well reviewed too though I haven't read it: http://www.amazon.com/SM-101-A-Realistic-Introduction/dp/0963976389/ref=pd_sim_b_3

u/chenmar · 1 pointr/BDSMcommunity

I've been hit with the, "I don't want to have to tell you what to do." response in the past. In fact, my last D/s relationship, fell apart because of that statement. I'm not sure if it was because I wasn't asking the right questions or because I wasn't asking them the right way. At this point it doesn't really matter.

I agree with gamer_grl for the most part. You have the start of a good communication base. What you need is a stronger foundation. My suggestion is that you change the way you are asking for information. Don't ask what she wants you to do, ask what she likes and start doing research. If its something like flogging or whips find a local resource to learn from, for rope I suggest Shibari You Can Use and Two Knotty Boys. There's also a very, in my opinion, dry book out there called SM101 that has a lot of very good and useful information.

Use those discrete/accidental search bar pages as a starting point and start doing research. Sadly the internet is a horrible place for most of that. The information has a tendency to be inconsistent and hard to locate through all the bad porn.

Don't forget that you will also need to figure out what you like while you're at it. Otherwise remember to play safe, take your time, and don't freak out over little mistakes. They are going to happen, and we all make them.

u/axlerose571 · 1 pointr/BDSMcommunity

When my partner and I started negotiating the BDSM aspect of our relationship we both decided to educate ourselves as much as possible on the subject. I would recommend a lot of reading, especially The New Topping Book & The New Bottoming Book as well as SM101: A Realistic Introduction.

Fetlife.com is an online fetish community where you can meet like minded people and take part in discussions, ask questions, etc. We found a lot of great people and resources through Fetlife. There are plenty of groups devoted to mental & physical domination techniques, rope work, and starting out in a D/s relationship.

A search on Youtube for The Knotty Boys will give you all sorts of stuff to practice.

An exercise that my partner and I found very helpful involved me writing a letter to Him expressing what I wanted/needed from a Dom, what I had to offer Him in return, my hopes and fears, and any information about myself that I felt would help us along the way. We refer back to that letter periodically as our relationship continues to evolve.

In terms of experimenting together, I would recommend starting with a Yes/No/Maybe list like this one. You each go through the list on your own and then compare answers together. You start where there is mutual interest and go from there.

Best of luck, and hope this helps!

PS. Whenever you engage in any BDSM related activities you must always be Safe/Sane and make sure they are consensual. You will not be able to have any successful relationships without excellent communication skills, so always be working on improving your communication.

u/bearddeliciousbi · 1 pointr/sex

BDSM is the last sort of sexual activity that people should just throw themselves into in order to "see what happens" without going in-depth with their partner(s) about their needs, desires, fantasies, and expectations and providing opportunities for understanding and negotiation.

As any kinkster will tell you, awesome, mind-blowing, fulfilling sex lying within the BDSM spectrum (and that kind of sex in general) is built on three things: communication, communication, and communication.

The good people over at /r/BDSMcommunity would be able to answer a lot of questions that might arise once you've discussed things openly and honestly with your girlfriend. Here are some great print resources you should look into:

SM 101: A Realistic Introduction, by Jay Wiseman

The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge, edited by Tristan Taormino

Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission, by William Brame, Gloria Brame, and Jon Jacobs

The New Bottoming Book and The New Topping Book, by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy

u/Normal_Red_Sky · 1 pointr/AskMen

In addition to all the personal hygiene and tidying things it sounds like you don't understand her likes. Sort your shit out first like everyone's telling you because women don't like disgusting slobs. After that do some reading about her kinks (no, borrowing your Mom's copy of 50 shades of grey is NOT a good idea). I recommend SM101 by Jay Wiseman as a starting point. It's a bit dated now but still packed with tons of good advice.

u/Kreetard · 1 pointr/BDSMcommunity

Read lots of books.

And also communicate!

u/BarbieDreamHearse · 1 pointr/TrollXChromosomes

Pick up a copy of SM 101. It's informative AND entertaining. Like you, I was into it before I started actively learning about it, and then I realized how little I knew.

u/neuralzen · 1 pointr/sex

SM 101 is a great book to start with, and there are a lot of rope/bondage video tutorials here!

Be safe!

u/The_Ultimate · 1 pointr/BDSMcommunity

So, I had a free moment coming home from work and I wanted you to know I didn't forget about this!

I'll start with your specific question first:

Within my circles, it's always strongly urged that, subs especially, seek mental help through therapy or psychiatry as to establish a healthier relationship with their traumatic experiences before delving into an S&M relationship with a partner. The logic behind this is that, like substance abuse, kink can be used as a tool to avoid legitimate confrontation of the source of their trauma and, instead, can actually emotionally link partners and friends to their own trauma. But--I want to place emphasis on this point--understand that kinks can be a healthy way to work on these traumatic experiences as well. The biggest concern for partners in this situation can be the inconsistency of consent from a partner who has faced a traumatic experience and the necessity for persistent communication. This story is an interesting way to look at kink, mind you once again, this is not every case. But, it is important to consider that there is a wide variance of possibilities within a kink-based relationship and that, within any relationship, persistent communication and taking care of mental health within the partnership is paramount.

So, to answer your question: Yes, it is possible that your partner could project these abuses on you. But, more dangerous than that is, without proper care for your partnership and a path upon which your partner can healthily confront her traumatic history, unknown variables can pop up in which non-consent or compounded sexual trauma could overwhelm your relationship without you every knowing it. This is why having a professional available for your partner (and yourself honestly, therapy is fantastic for most instances) could give her an avenue to communicate these concerns to someone who is professionally trained in handling such problems.

I would highly recommend reading Jay Wiseman's SM 101 with your partner as it can help you understand what goes into a healthy relationship in this atmosphere.

I'd like to leave you with knowing that kink, if you find that it is something you end up loving, can be an incredible experience to land yourself within. We have committed communities and many tools to help you learn and understand healthy practices. But, it's incredibly important that you look out for those healthy practices. In the same way that we have couple's counseling and health books for relationships between partners, friends, and family, there are things that must be understood about this world before you go diving in! You don't just fly a plane without learning how to first!

Don't let my wall of text intimidate you, most of these things that I have spoken about are important to being in a healthy relationship in the first place. Some of them are just slightly expanded to envelope kink.

If you have any questions or want books or articles to read, send me a PM.
I hope I've helped you at least a little bit!

u/VexingVendibles · 1 pointr/Random_Acts_Of_Amazon

So, I don't know what you're in to, but I enjoyed this book when it came to just a general thing. There's also the Bottoming Book, which I have read, but they have the Topping Book, which I have not read yet. I've heard really good things about this book and this one.