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Reddit mentions of Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do

Sentiment score: 6
Reddit mentions: 8

We found 8 Reddit mentions of Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do. Here are the top ones.

Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do
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Release dateMay 2009
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Found 8 comments on Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do:

u/aglet · 6 pointsr/stepparents

>I don't feel that "love" that you're supposed to give to a child.

You're a good person, and you're doing your best. Expecting yourself to feel unconditional love for a kid on par with a biological parent after 3 (stressful, hectic, full-time) weeks with your SD is a totally unrealistic benchmark to place on yourself. Let that go, first of all, and know that as long as you're doing parenty things like feeding and transportation and showing affection, that's enough. And if you never LOVE love your SD, but instead feel very fond of her in a vaguely parental way, or if you feel more like an auntie than a mother, or you feel sorta distant and can't relate but still try to be a good parent-- those are all totally acceptable forms of stepparenting, because there is no one "right" way to feel or be.

>Will this get any easier?

This will absolutely get easier, especially since the school year's just around the corner. Summers and breaks will be harder, but as she settles in, makes friends, and gets older, she'll become less dependent on adults for companionship.

>My SO thinks I don't want her around but it's not that, I just feel out of my element and dammit I want some me time.

This is a massive lifestyle change for everyone involved; your SO might want to rethink his traveling job so he can be at home with his kid more (and take some of the pressure off you). It's possible your pre-kid life is no longer tenable as-is, so be prepared to adapt and think of creative solutions that will help you keep your sanity. This is your life too, after all. If you and your SO expect your lives to continue normally, just with the addition of a full-time kiddo, you're gonna have a bad time.

>I feel so selfish for wanting to kick them out every time a weekend comes along just so I can recharge enough for the coming week's meltdowns.

Don't. Tell your SO "I need time alone to recharge" and don't feel a lick of guilt over it. You're an essential part of the picture. The family doesn't function without you. He needs to respect that and step up, just like you respect that he needs someone to take care of his daughter while he's at work and have stepped up.

Finally- even though your transition sounds rougher than most, I don't think you're feeling anything that any stepparent in this sub hasn't felt. Read up on being a stepmom (Stepmotherhood and Stepmonster are both great places to start) and you'll see just how very not alone you are in feeling all of this.

edited for formatting

u/mslindz · 5 pointsr/stepparents

I won't bother repeating myself here, I'll just second this post and add a little of my own thoughts.

OP, you're relationship with your SO takes work on both of your parts and you both have to make it a priority. It is so important! Communication is super important to making things work, too. He has to be able to hear what you're saying and where you're coming from so you can work as a team to make things work for everyone.

> And seriously; read, read, read the step parenting help books.

This is hands down the best advice. Reading books on stepfamilies and stepparenting have been invaluable to me. Both in realizing I'm not insane and in helping me head off some issues by handling situations different than I might have otherwise. Personally, I've found Ron L. Deal's books to be very helpful. I'm currently reading The Smart Stepmom by Ron L. Deal and Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin. All of the reading has helped me approach my SO a little differently and he's receptive to my insights (though our communication was solid prior to all the reading I've done, I know for a fact it's made it better). It's also helped me understand what my role is as a stepparent and how to deal with some of the struggles that arise.

Best of luck OP. It's a tough road to travel and role to take on, but with work, it definitely can get better.

u/kaybird296 · 4 pointsr/stepparents

You're already on the right track by getting all of this set out before moving in together! It sounds like you and your SO communicate really well and are both going into this with eyes open and healthy boundaries in place.

Before my SO and I moved in together (nearly six months ago), he and I sat down to discuss our house rules. We came up with a list of simple things we both agreed on (toilet lid down before flushing, no kids in our bedroom without express permission from both of us, clear away toys/belongings before bed, etc) and we had the house rules talk with the kids when they started coming over. We set out our behaviour expectations with them right from the beginning, and promised them that we will also do our best to keep it a calm, happy household. Doing it this way has worked very well for us so far (though don't talk to me about SS13 and his sudden aversion to abiding by the toilet lid rule...) This is also the ideal opportunity for you to talk about any deal-breakers that you have. For instance, I am deeply uncomfortable sharing a bed with anyone that is not my romantic partner (and I do mean anyone). Therefore I told my SO I was not comfortable with SD5 coming into bed with us if she was scared or sick, etc. SO goes in with her if she needs soothing back to sleep every now and then, which is a great compromise for us. Your SO's daughters are older so this may not be an issue for you, but if you have any similar hard and fast rules, now is the time to discuss them.

One thing that cropped up for us recently was what I should do if I see bad behaviour when SO is out of the room. Ask your SO how he would prefer this be addressed by you if/when necessary. At first, my SO said I should call for him and report what I'd seen. When I explained why I thought this was a bad idea (undermines the authority I have as an adult in the household and makes me a snitch), he agreed that I should address it with the kids and he will decide on appropriate consequences.

I also agree with u/namegeneratorbroken that if you feel there are any areas your communication could improve, then you may wish to consider making a couples' therapy appointment (particularly with a therapist who is experienced in step/blended family dynamics). This last part is particularly important because there are still a lot of therapists who maintain the "first family comes first" POV, and a lot of research has shown that this is not a good modus operandi for long-term blended family success.

One last recommendation: pick up a copy of Stepmonster (our bible!) and read it, ideally with your SO. It does a great job covering many of the common pitfalls that come with being an SM, new or seasoned, and will offer practical advice for navigating sometimes murky waters.

Good luck!

u/[deleted] · 3 pointsr/stepparents

Aglet recommended Stepmonster to me, I'm about a third of the way through it, and would also recommend to you. It's refreshing to read something that isn't sugar coated, and deals with very real feelings, like the reality that you're not going to love your skids the same way that you love your bio kids. It also addresses the feeling of being an outsider in your own home, and the psychology behind why that happens.

I don't have bio kids of my own, but I can understand your feelings about your skids. I care about my skids very much, but I can't honestly say I love them. Maybe that will happen someday, maybe not. I've only known them for a year, two days a week. Love is something that takes time, and reciprocation. To be brutally honest, but also to be merely human, I care more for the one that most strongly reciprocates my feelings for her. I do my best not to let that favoritism show, and to treat them all equally, but I'll admit it's in my heart. I hope someday I can tell his kids that I love them, and they can respond in kind - but I'm not going to force it - on my part or theirs.

Recently I had a heated debate with my SO about it. He felt that I should love his kids unconditionally, and sacrifice everything for them, just as if I was their bio mom. He hadn't really thought about it until that point, he just assumed that would be the case. He's a very understanding guy, and got the point pretty quickly that I could have their best interests at heart, but that I'd need "me" time to keep myself balanced. One of my favorite analogies is the Buddhist quote which roughly says "you cannot extend a hand to help someone who is falling off a cliff, unless both of your feet are on solid ground." In other words, for you to be able to help others, it's absolutely necessary for you to take care of yourself first.

Although I'm not as seasoned as some of the others in this subreddit, if I could offer any advice to you, it would be to continue trying to get through to your SO about your needs. You should have baby-and-me time, and you shouldn't feel bad about it. Can you work with him to set aside some time, even an hour, where he takes his kids and does something with them, and you can relax with your baby?

u/mewmewlicious · 3 pointsr/stepparents

I have read the book Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin which is targeted to stepmothers and is about stepmothers mostly. I thought it was really good in validating the really shitty stuff that we don't often like to admit (jealousy/anger/etc.).

I also read How to talk to kids so they listen and how to listen to kids so they talk because as a non-bio parent walking into a relationship with an 8 year old girl, I had a lot of learning to do, including communicating with a child (that wasn't a student/cousin/neighbour's kid/etc). Sometimes the example situations are overly positive but I've taken a lot of the techniques on board because who doesn't want to be listened to at the end of the day?

That's all I've really read in depth and that has helped me. The best thing tho in my opinion is to seek counselling for the family if it's really hard or at least couple's counselling. Because it all depends on the relationship of the couple...

u/Chees_a_saurus · 3 pointsr/stepparents

Hey, OP.

Hoo boy, that was not cool of that therapist. Can your SO go speak with the therapist? Can they get a new one? Does he need BM on board for this?

You are not a piece of furniture, OP. You do not rank lower than a 10 year old and an 8 year old in your home, and anyone that suggests that is doing those kids a disservice.

The child-centric thing is lovely in theory; but in reality it doesn't work. If everyone insists that you are voiceless in your own home, where you pay bills, because SO and BM's marriage didn't work out, then those kids will have to deal with watching another adult relationship crumble.

It is to his kids own benefit that your SO prioritize you as his adult partner, so that the kids see how healthy relationships work. Those involve respect and compromise. You don't turn to your partner and say "Could you please be silent and stop having needs? I once had kids with someone else and we got divorced, so please leave your humanity at the door lest anyone else have to adjust to your presence."

Two things that I would read with your SO are: The Disengaging Essay (online link) and Stepmonster (physical copy or ebook). Both provide extensive explanations on the new dynamic and where many people trip up. There are more links/materials on our Resources page, if you're interested, but I think the two that I've mentioned are the best for your situation.

Your role in your home is no one's business but you and your SO. And, frankly, I think it's best if you back off of any discipline, and have dad handle it. You don't have enough of a bond with the kids for that to go well (see disengaging essay). However, you do get a say in everything else. You and SO should come up with "house rules" for the kids to follow, and they are accountable to dad if they break them. And there won't be any he said/she said happening. If you tell him they broke a rule, there is no arguing with you.

This is also for your benefit, and allows you to build a positive bond with the kids.

And I wonder if this is what the therapist actually meant, and it got twisted into "/u/lizzieboy doesn't get a say until we like her.".... Hmm. Did you hear it straight from the therapist or was it via the kids or BM?

u/tercerero · 2 pointsr/BabyBumps

Unfortunately, there's not a lot you can say or do without risking injury to your friendship. She might be feeling frustrated in her limited abilities to parent (because there are limits in step-parenting) and is exacting control where she feels she can.

A book that really helped me when I was in a similar situation was Stepmonster. It validated my feelings and gave me language to talk about how I was feeling in my role.

Step-parenting seems especially difficult when it's step-mother/step-daughter than when it's step-father/step-anything.

u/VirginiaStepMonster · 1 pointr/stepparents

While not an essay, the book Stepmonster is often recommended in our community - one to read with your partner. It covers the origins of the evil stepmother myth, and delves in to the challenges stepmothers face in a blended family. and why they face them.

Many here have reported that they read it with their partners and got decent feedback. While my husband did finally get his act together, he did not respond well to the book initially. It goes into great detail regarding the bond that biological parents have with their children that is not shared by stepparents, and his only take away was, "Yes, I fucking KNOW. You can't love her like your own! I GET IT." Less than helpful. Although, that was just his initial reaction and after a bit of time to really stew on it, he softened his approach with me.

The only reason I mention his initial not-so-great take on the book is because your SO sounds a lot like my husband was. And even if your SO does have the same knee jerk defensive reaction mine did, it's a very helpful book for you to read. It may help you find the words you need to explain to your SO what is in your head without being defensive yourself.

A nine year old is hard to be a stepmom to if you are only just now coming in to this. I met my SD when she was four, and it took us six years to get it right. Now at 10, she and I have a solid relationship. And that's pretty much the average time line, five to seven years to really and truly "blend" the family.