Best interpersonal relations books according to Reddit

Reddit mentions of The Definitive Book of Body Language: The Hidden Meaning Behind People's Gestures and Expressions

Sentiment score: 38
Reddit mentions: 84

We found 84 Reddit mentions of The Definitive Book of Body Language: The Hidden Meaning Behind People's Gestures and Expressions. Here are the top ones.

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ColorWhite
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Length6.29 Inches
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Release dateJuly 2006
Weight1.43 Pounds
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Found 84 comments on The Definitive Book of Body Language: The Hidden Meaning Behind People's Gestures and Expressions:

u/Gudin · 3510 pointsr/gifs

In one popular body language book, there is topic about handshakes. They teach you how handshake can be used to assert dominance, and how to defend against that types of handshakes. And by that I don't mean this Trump handshake, because pulling and grabbing hand like that is not even in book. That's just dick move.

EDIT: Link to book

u/totem56 · 47 pointsr/AskReddit

This is going to get buried under the shitload of answers you are getting, but I hope you see this, or that it'll at least help someone else.

I've had this problem for a few months now : even hanging out with friends, I was losing the capacity of having a conversation. I started talking more and more about me, and the more I talked, the more I felt like a douche. So I took steps.
First, I started asking more questions about the stories people were telling, refraining myself to tell my side of the story, my view of the story, or just my story ('cause this behavior sucks ass). For a while, it was getting better, but it didn't feel natural.

After an evening at a friend's place, where we had a closeup magician doing a show, I realized that it was not only about what I was saying, it was about what I was thinking that made me feel like a douche. This guy, this magician, was so charming, so fucking captivating. It was my first time experiencing closeup magic, and I was just sold. After the show, I went and asked him how he was doing it. Not the magic tricks, but the social tricks. He told me that he read lots of books, and that basically, he was convincing himself before each show, to be who he needed to be. He was acting, he was playing a fucking nice guy who didn't give two shits about himself but only cared about others. And it caught on, became more natural. He mastered this skill, and went from doing magic shows all around the world (even Vegas) to giving conferences to leaders on how to be better managers.

After reading some of those books, and doing a bit of research, I understood what he was saying : Fake it until you make it. I actually discovered through some TED talks (amazing stuff) that you can fake it until you become it.

From my point of view, there's a couple of skills to master to become a good conversationalist. Body language is very important : to understand the body language of others to better adapt yours and be seen as non-threatening. You have to understand the science of influence, and how humans react to interactions with others. And to become a master at it : you have to be sincere. You can't fake honesty 100%. Somewhere along the way, your body language will screw you, or you'll slip and people will understand that you are faking it. That is why you have to become a character who doesn't fake it.

Here is the list of the books and videos I read/watched about those skills. Some where recommended on Reddit, others I just found them. The books are sorted by most important in my opinion. And even if I bought them (thrift or not), you can still find all of them online.

u/ketnehn · 23 pointsr/IWantToLearn

This is such a great book, and is what really sparked my interest in body language and psychology. Great explanations, illustrations, and integration of humor!

EDIT: Here is the link to the book on amazon

u/GroundhogNight · 21 pointsr/AdviceAnimals

No no no. Don't do what he said. Unless you're dealing with a girl that radiates "quirky".

The first reason? It could be seen as a beta move where you look away first. Like you're nervous. Then she dismisses you for being a beta bitch.

(edit: the use of "beta bitch" is getting a lot of flack. Obviously, people do not like the phrase. To me, "alpha" and "beta" refer to what a person finds attractive and unattractive. Which changes person to person. I have a friend who loves confident guys. If she makes eye contact and the guy looks away first, she loses interest. She wants a guy to hold eye contact, to challenge her. That doesn't mean a guy can't reignite interest. But eye-contact is her quick test. Some girls might HATE eye contact and think a guy who won't look away is too intense. And a guy who looks away is normal. To this girl, eye-contact guy is beta and less-eye-contact guy is more alpha. There are people who think me using the phrase "beta bitch" is beta. Where someone who says, "Just be yourself" is alpha. That's fine. But there are people who will say, "I would be myself, but I don't know what to say or do?" All I'm trying to do is provide a way to analyze the "is she checking me out" situation in a way that is as alpha/beta neutral as I can. Of course, saying "Hi" and acting natural can work and often does work. But there are plenty of times in a bar where you can go up and say "Hi!" and the girls want nothing to do with you. Not even because "they suck" or "are awful people not worth your time." Just because they're out and don't want to have to deal with dudes trying to hit on them. As someone with a lot of friends that are girls, it's painful to hear about and see how much they are approached and end up coming off as rude because guys are overly persistent. What I described here is what I have found to be the simplest and least invasive method of gauging whether or not a girl is interested.)

But say she doesn't see it like that. Say it works. She looks at the ceiling because she saw you look at the ceiling. Where do you go from here? Do you go up and say, "Hey, I saw you look at the ceiling too?" Do you just walk up and say, "Hi." What if she says, "What did you look at?" Or "Why did you look at the ceiling?" What are you going to say? "Uh. I don't know?" Or do you say something "witty" like "Checking the weather." That's just fucking weird. I mean, sure, there's probably a way to recover and move beyond this moment, but you're starting from a weird and limiting position. Worst case scenario is she doesn't say anything at all and just dismisses you as a weirdo.

Best case scenario is she's quirky and attracted to you and thinks this is a meet-cute and you're in. It can happen. But I would guess a success rate of 1 out of 30.

What you should do is check her feet. Body Language 101. The feet reflect the attention of the mind. If you're talking to someone and their feet are pointed at you, they want to be talking to you. If you're talking to someone and their feet are pointed at someone else, they're focused on that person. If their feet are pointing at the door, they want to leave. (see this book).

Next time you're just standing around in public, check where your feet are pointing. And pay attention to the feet of other people.

I've used the feet method to hook up with a number of girls. Here's what you do.

Look around the bar or party or wherever and see if any girl has a foot (or feet) pointing at you. If yes, move a few feet away. Not far enough to where you're out of her view, but enough to where she would have to adjust her foot. If her foot adjusts and points at you again, yes. Or you notice it later in the night: yes.

If you're comfortable in the situation, like it's a house party and you know a lot of the people, you can go up and introduce yourself. Ask if she and whoever she's talking to needs a drink or something. Walk away. That way you've broken the ice. You can check later to see if the girl has her foot pointed at you again. If so, you go back up and start the flirtation. Or it might be on from the very beginning.

The first time I used this, I was at a house party. One of my friends was talking this girl up, but her feet were pointed at me. I moved. She adjusted. I went up and asked my friend a question. The girl immediately introduced herself and began asking me questions and laughing at everything I said. My friend wouldn't leave. I mentioned wanting to go to the kitchen for a snack. She said she could use one too. Away we went. (In case you're concerned for my friend, he was okay; actually, he apologized for not realizing what was going on and leaving on his own.)

If you're at the bar, you don't have to do a straight approach. But you can close proximity. Usually by having a solid wingman or two. You would notice a girl looking at you. Check her feet. Her feet are pointed at you. You would finish you drink. You and your wingman/men go to the bar. Get more drinks. Be deep into conversation as you come away from the bar. Casually near the girl/her group but not as though you're approaching her. Head near her as though on accident. Stay engaged in the conversation. Stop walking to have the conversation. Laugh. Hold your own in that spot. The conversation can slow and now you're just in that spot. This position affords you many opportunities. The girl can now get your attention. Or you could overhear something her group is talking about and get involved in the conversation. If you're feeling real good, you could just transition to the group with a simple "Hey. My beer tastes awful. What are you all drinking?" and slowly work to your target. Be sure to check her feet. If they want to talk to you, they'll respond to your question. If they don't, they won't. The question doesn't really matter. Imagine DiCaprio breaking the ice with a group of girls. They won't give two fucks about how he starts the conversation because they want to talk to him. If girls don't want to talk to you, a clever line might win them over. But if they do want to talk to you, you don't have to try hard or do anything fancy. The important thing is not to bore them.

Some of this might sound complicated. But it's really not. Once you get used to it, it's very simple.

(edit There are people who claim this isn't natural. Social interaction is a skill, just like anything else. Dribbling a basketball can seem unnatural, but once you do it enough it becomes natural. Same with this. When described in a such a way, yes, it sounds forced. But if someone were to describe their "natural" approach in a self-reflective manner (and not just, "I don't know man, I just do what I do."), it would, I suspect, sound unnatural and calculated. In one comment, someone mentioned "hoop jumping". Whether you like it or not, hoop jumping happens. Some guys actively do it. Others don't think about it. But every romantic interaction is an escalation of hoop jumping. "Talk to me." "Let me touch you." "Touch me." "Let's kiss." "Let's spend time together alone." Every friendship is hoop jumping. Every social interaction is hoop jumping. Some people might be great with hoops and it comes "natural". Others have no idea. But once they become aware and practice using hoops, they can become natural and then romance isn't so hit or miss.)

Oh, if you're at a club--god help you. Just take shots and dance as though the world were ending.

----

I hope the above edits helped clarify. I'm not trying to be a monster. Yes, this is a huge block of text. But social interaction isn't easy for everyone. There are a lot of people who won't care about anything that I said. Which is fine. But there are some people who might learn something. So I went into detail. I know how lost I was when I was a freshman in college. I would have appreciated this information. I don't believe in "Game". I think canned routines are gross. That negs are gross. That AMOG-ing (being the alpha male of the group ("alpha" in the classical "dominance" sense this time)) is gross. I'm all for being yourself. But that doesn't mean "yourself" isn't flawed. If there's something I believe in more than "be yourself" it's "better yourself". Learning how social interactions work--why you were successful or unsuccessful--is part of that process.

Here's hoping I learned how to write a better Reddit post.

u/Vegetable_Assassin · 18 pointsr/IWantToLearn

Sorry if this list is a bit long, this is kind of an obsession of mine. No one source is really all encompassing, but each one offers a different point of view. They also may seem like slightly odd choices, however I have found each one very useful when it comes to understanding how people work. If you want a more streamlined set of sources just use every other link. (I don't know how well these work if you have any sort of innate understanding of body language, but they are excellent for beginners).

Tricks of the Mind - Derren Brown - This isn't the sort of book you would imagine when looking for body language guides, and in fact it doesn't even scratch the surface of how complex our bodies are. However it does contain what I consider to be the most important thing when learning to read people, which is the concept of relativity. Lots of sources give set actions and ascribe to them a meaning based only on the movement, but people are so wonderfully complex that this doesn't work all the time. Derren instead comes up with the concept of relativity - the idea that everybody has their own baseline for body language, and that in order to read body language effectively you need to take into account the divergence from this person's normal body language instead of just looking at their actions in a vacuum. It's also a fascinating read throughout and cites numerous other books you can use if you want more sources.


Changing Minds - this is a very good resource for looking up on any one area of body language you feel you may be rusty on, as opposed to a complete guide. Everything is organised by mood and then by body part, so you can focus on whatever you want. It also covers many other related areas and little tricks for surviving interpersonal relationships.


The Game - Neil Strauss / Fastseduction - Again, odd choices for someone looking to learn how to read body language. These are more of a meta-read than actual sources on body language, as they don't go into body language in much detail at all. Honestly I wouldn't recommend these at all if it weren't for another concept that is introduced through them called Inner Game. Inner Game is about taking all the information that you have gleaned from days surrounded by words -all the actions, routines, and painfully memorized sequences - and inserting it into your daily life, with the aim of having them completely internalized and instinctual. In the book Strauss goes to some crazy pick-up gurus and gets hypnotised over the course of a weekend to try and improve his Inner Game, but honestly that's not necessary. I feel that the concept is very much related to the phrase "Fake it 'till you make it" - just as the man looking to become more confident must put on a façade and keep confidence in mind at all times until the adopted mannerisms become habit, if you want to read people you have to pay attention to everything around you and compare it with what you know. After a while you will find that it takes less and less time to understand what a particular stance suggests, and eventually you won't have to consciously think about it at all. So yeah, not very good for body language outside of one specialist area but excellent for state of mind. There may also be a seduction community on reddit, though I couldn't speak for their body language resources.

Peoplewatching - Desmond Morris - This is one of the single greatest books ever written. It was originally released as Manwatching in the late 1970s and is a staggeringly useful guide to body language. It looks at human behaviour through a zoological lens, giving it a more sterile feel than the more well known guides, but covers everything perfectly. This is I feel the perfect introduction to the subject, covering what body language conveys and speculating on how it came about without attaching too much meaning to any one gesture.

The Definitive Book of Body Language - Allan + Barbara Pease - This is almost an obligatory mention. I don't like this book. It's undoubtedly an excellent resource on the subject, and covers most topics in a nice, well-ordered manner, but I can't bring myself to like it. It has something to do with the attitude of the book I think - right from the title the authors try and place themselves somewhere up above normal humans, and the entire book has an underlying air of condescension combined with complete confidence that what it says is 100% correct and a corresponding smugness. It is also guilty of the worst crime possible (aside from the aformentioned certainty) when discussing body language, which is dressing up speculation and correlation as fact. The book is littered with speculation on numerous topics that are stated without any nod to the fact that it is in fact speculation, such as the line 'Henry VIII popularised this gesture (pursed lips) as a high-status signal because of his small mouth and modern Brits and Americans still use it'. Here I opened the book to a random page and read the first sentence I could. This sounds like an excellent fun fact except for the complete lack of evidence, and this is repeated on every single page of the book. So, while it is an excellent source for body language, please read it with an open mind and salt at the ready.



There are probably hundreds of books and websites I've missed, but hopefully those should help a bit.

Edit: As mentioned above Lie to Me and the Mentalist are good as TV goes, but I might recommend Psych over both of them just because of the way it deals with it - there is some body language stuff in there to pick up on (occasionally), but mostly it's just a hilarious and spectacular show.

u/DJBJ · 16 pointsr/AskMen

If she'll maintain eye contact with you with no conversation going on. If she tilts her head slightly down. If her knees/feet are pointing towards you when it'd be more comfortable for them not to be. If she's playing with her hair. If she's been touching you during the date. If she's been ok with you lightly/playfully touching her during the date.

None of these on their own will tell you. Just having her feet point towards you means nothing. Just having her head tilted down means nothing. But if she's playing with her hair, has been touching or is touching you, will maintain eye contact with you during silences in the conversation, you can probably kiss her. You should check out this book Body Language, this is where all my info comes from. There's a section on how different genders flirth. I credit the book with helping me hook up with more women than I would have otherwise. Also sometimes you just gotta take a chance and see what happens. Getting rejected for a kiss isn't really a big deal after you fail a couple times.

u/johnx86 · 12 pointsr/aspergers

But you could start off by reading the book by Allen Pease:
https://www.amazon.com/Definitive-Book-Body-Language-Expressions/dp/0553804723

u/cheungster · 11 pointsr/AskReddit

same reason we cover our mouths when we yawn. opening our mouths makes us become a more 'vulnerable' target to a predator, so we cover our mouths to hide the vulnerability. Its just another trait we picked up from our ancestors that really isn't a learned behavior but more instinctual.

same thing goes for when people cross their arms across their chest. they don't like what they're hearing and/or they are unsure about the situation they're in. the arm crossing is an instinctual behavior to cover your vital organs.

check out this book if this stuff interests you.

u/bitparity · 11 pointsr/fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuu

Try one hand clasping the other wrist combined with your head down, otherwise known as the "mormon second wife" look.

For a more assertive look, try both thumbs in the slightly side back lip of your jeans.

I've also found this book useful in figuring out what I should do with my body pose.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Definitive-Book-Body-Language/dp/0553804723/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1343784770&sr=8-4&keywords=guide+to+body+language

u/thechristinechapel · 9 pointsr/asexuality

I'm so bad at this too! I can recall three different times when my friends have told me that some guy was "totally into me" and I was completely oblivious. I tend to be that way with body language in general as well. I found this, which seems to be a fairly straight-forward step-by-step guide to flirting. And here is the book they reference in it. I dunno, might be worth a read. In any case, it seems like it is something we may need to practice. :P

u/dognitive-cissonance · 9 pointsr/exjw

Please do not interpret what i'm about to say as me being an asshole (although I often have been accused as such). I'm trying to help, rather than bullshit you with the equivalent of a participation trophy or a motherly pat on the back.

I'm stating this with love (although it is tough love): If I've ever seen someone that needs r/TheRedPill, its you my friend. I'm not saying that you should become an asshole or be disrespectful to women, but rather that you should focus on building yourself up in the same style. There is absolutely the capacity to be an alpha male within you. And that's what women will find attractive consistently. I'm not saying you should become a macho chump poser that demeans and disrespects women (that's not what a real alpha male does anyway), but rather that you should identify and adopt the characteristics of an alpha male that women find attractive and craft your own new persona. Root out the JW mindset and adopt a new one. Got me?

Its time to work on yourself rather than working on trying to get laid. Its time to grow a pair of balls. Now, rather than simply saying "grow a pair of balls", let me try to help and give some recommendations of how you might go about doing that.

Get a gym membership (maybe check and see if your university has one that you can use free), and try the Starting Strength program. See here: https://www.amazon.com/Starting-Strength-Basic-Barbell-Training/dp/0982522738/

Starting strength will make a man out of you. One tip: Don't use the smith machine. Use a real squat rack. Yes, its required. Yes, with barbells.

Read this book too, its a real eye opener for reading people (including women): https://www.amazon.com/Definitive-Book-Body-Language-Expressions/dp/0553804723/

Read up on affirmations, how to make them and use them, and start using them DAILY, maybe even more often than once a day. You probably don't need a book to research this, a simple google search will do. Harness the power of positive self-talk.

The words you say to yourself in your head or mutter to yourself quietly when nobody else is listening have a huge effect on how you view yourself. And by extension, others (especially women) can sense how much value you perceive that you have, and often will treat you in accord with that value you project.

>My date was kind of rude as she actually took a phone call from her male friend within the first 10-20 minutes of the date, I think she was even flipping through Tinder as we were talking.

This should have been an early warning signal letting you know that she wasn't worth your time. She didn't value your time and presence (and that is likely because you didn't establish your own value to her).

>Of course my problems only make me feel worse as one of my roommates is like extremely fit black young Hugh Hefner. This guy fucks all the time, like weekly.

That is fucking hilarious lol, but I really sympathize with you. I'm sure its torture that he's getting laid every night and you have to listen to the fucking. Is this guy friendly towards you? Is he willing to help with your issues? You never know, he may take some pity on you and help you to work on yourself a bit. Even if he isn't, pay attention closely to his attitudes and interactions with women and with others wherever you can. Don't try to be an exact copy of him, but watch for attitudes, words, and actions that he manifests that feel right for you, and that you could adopt into your own new persona.

>I feel especially shitty as "technically" I'm not a virgin because I fucked who I thought was going to be a women through MeetMe, but it turned out to be a transgender dude, my fault I guess as further inspection of the photos made it more obvious. I was going to leave but I was persuaded by an offer of a blowjob. I figured this was the first time I was offered anything sexual and I was under a lot of family related stress at the time so I said fuck it and got a BJ, and had to reciprocate him in the backside.

This is some 4chan shit right here, so allow me to present the appropriate meme: http://www.lememe.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/55556666.png

Don't beat yourself up too bad. Its behind you, and you never have to do this again if this type of hook up is not your style.

>So apparently finding a dude that wants to fuck is incredibly easy, finding a women in my case is like hunting for the holy fucking grail.

Yes, that's the honest to god truth when you don't project enough value to others. The only people you attract are people who are as desperate as you are.

>Don't get me wrong that all I want is sex, yes sex would be awesome, but I'm not afraid to be in a relationship, but at the same time I'm not going to turn down a hookup.

This screams desperation. You need to drop this mindset immediately. (Again, affirmations will help with this)

>My philosophy is just honoring whatever dating arrangement I agree to with a person, I have no religious reasons.

Again, desperation, compliance, submission. These traits will not attract women - at least not desirable ones.

>I tried talking to some women at parties, asked one to dance and she said no, even though she was standing against the wall not doing anything...

Again, you projected a lack of value, she judged you on the surface because of the lack of value you projected, and shut you down.

>...asked another how she was doing and she said good and that was it, and I had a little more luck at my last party as I got to help a girl with her Microsoft Access homework, we high-fived and were both wasted. I asked her if she was single and she said yes, but that she was just visiting and was going back home in a couple of days, so I just shook her hand and said it was nice we met.

That didn't mean she wasn't DTF my friend. She may have just been waiting for you to move on her. Lots of times, women are waiting for a man to confidently take charge when it comes to initiating sex. I'm sure nobody ever told you that (hell, nobody told ME that!!), but it is often true :)

>I'm giving this college thing one more semester before I call it quits. I'm not going to get another degree if it requires me to be miserable and single for another 3 years. I mean I'm charting into 30 year old wizard territory at this point and it scares the shit out of me. My friends have been trying to get me to move to Florida and I just may take them up on the offer.

Changing your location without changing your mindset is not likely to make a significant change to your circumstances. Although, it could offer you the opportunity to a fresh start, which could be helpful :)

>Any advice would be appreciated, I just feel the cult has taken a huge chunk of my life away when I was supposed to learn valuable social skills. I feel like a fucking child or an alien learning how to be human, even though I have been out of the cult for quite some time now, but have really only been away from toxic family for four months.

Yes, that's probably what happened. And its up to you to change it. Nobody else is going to do it for you. So stop wallowing in your own misery and change it. (Respectfully, with tough love, man to man.)

>My plan for next semester is joining some clubs, going to bars, and going more parties, and trying to strike up more conversations with women in class getting a gym membership, working on your self esteem and your ability to project your value to the opposite sex, and learning how to interact with women in a way that makes you attractive.

>If nothing happens in the second semester I'm just going to say fuck it and move, I'm at a point in my life were I'm tired of going out to eat by myself, shopping by myself, watching movies by myself, and doing everything else by my fucking self. All I did this Thanksgiving was sleep and get drunk. I've read all those articles about "loving yourself first", this isn't a problem about loving myself, I didn't do anything wrong. I'm just so fucking sick of being alone, I don't have a family, I have no one close to me.

I feel your pain man. Now is not the time to give up, but it is time to change your approach.

u/tchuckss · 7 pointsr/LifeProTips

Oh! I found it! The Definitive Book of Body Language, this is the one I read.

There's so much research done on body language, and it's incredible. FBI people are really good at that kind of stuff, to help read the suspects and whatnot better. It does in some way feel like mind reading, cause you are able to get a decent handle on someone by paying attention to how they act, how they say things. Only 7% of communication is verbal, that is, what you are in effect saying. The rest is body language and the inflection you use when saying something.

u/Dhltnp · 7 pointsr/seduction

This is so far my to go list, no particulary order:

Body Language

Models: Attract Women Through Honesty

No More Mr Nice Guy

The Flinch

The Blueprint Decoded

How to Win Friends & Influence People

The Manual: What Women Want and How to Give It to Them

These books/dvds/audiobooks are about self development and basic understanding of human behaviour, I honestly think everybody can benefit from this stuff.

Edit:

Also find a good book about improving your voice, no idea here because I use one in german.

u/SoBoredAtWork · 6 pointsr/seduction

I read this book recently and it helped a lot. Do something greate in life. Go for the hot girl, or for the promotion, or the raise.... or ask out that tirl you'v always wanted to. It will work one time, guaranted, and when it dose, you'lll never forget that feeling. And you will own it and know that you cna do anythiung.

edit: I was hammered drunk when I wrote this. Please excuse the many spelling/grammatical errors.

u/LocalAmazonBot · 6 pointsr/seduction

Here are some links for the product in the above comment for different countries:

Link: http://www.amazon.com/The-Definitive-Book-Body-Language/dp/0553804723


|Country|Link|
|:-----------|:------------|
|UK|amazon.co.uk|
|Spain|amazon.es|
|France|amazon.fr|
|Germany|amazon.de|
|Japan|amazon.co.jp|
|Canada|amazon.ca|
|Italy|amazon.it|
|China|amazon.cn|




This bot is currently in testing so let me know what you think by voting (or commenting).

u/rks404 · 5 pointsr/booksuggestions

My kid really enjoyed https://www.amazon.com/Definitive-Book-Body-Language-Expressions/dp/0553804723/

I think that the idea that there are clues that one can use to deduce things that most people don't realize might be attractive to someone trying to puzzle out the rules. Good luck!

u/dancing_cucumber · 5 pointsr/IWantToLearn

I read "The Definitive Book of Body Language" by Barbara and Allan Pease. It was easy to read, and might have actually helped a bit.

Also, first season of Lie to Me for microexpressions


Edit: I learned how to link

u/jediaelthewise · 5 pointsr/LARP

To add to this people often have some kind of tick as well too when they lie, twirling their hair, scratching their nose, etc.

If you want to get really crazy and and event study some body language to further up your acting game, check out the excellent book "The Definitive Book of Body Language". It is very thorough, visual and even has tests at the end. Great read.

u/Predictablicious · 5 pointsr/rational

For communicating in difficult situations both Difficult Conversations and Crucial Conversations are good. Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion is the best book on how persuasion works, but How to Win Friends & Influence People is the definitive practical book on persuasion.
The Definitive Book of Body Language is a good book on the subject, which is fundamental to face to face communication.

u/Dear_Prudence_ · 5 pointsr/Documentaries

No it's not. I took great interest in it a few years ago. Within 10 years, there will be face recognition, and body analyzation software that will be able to tell how you feel, or what you're about to do before you do it.

Did you know that globally across the world, there are specific facial gestures that represent emotion? This instinctively tells us that these are born with these. It's inherent, not taught/learned.

I definitely think the doc posted here is amplified in bullshitness for viewing, but it's no pseudo science.

Check out this book on amazon if you're interested.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Definitive-Book-Body-Language/dp/0553804723

and this one by former FBI agent Joe Navarro

https://www.google.com/search?q=fbi+agent+body+language+book&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8

After reading the book and apply principles, it's no psuedo science. I took great interest is just watching people in every day situations as well as experiences with me included.

u/insertnickhere · 5 pointsr/relationship_advice

You're exactly the sort of person who will eventually stumble into the seduction community. You could do worse, but first, some warnings...

  1. It's like any other group: A belief in self-superiority because of knowledge that the public at large does not have that they regard as valuable. That doesn't actually make them any better.

  2. Do not start playing a character. Of all the advice, all the routines, all the lines, there is no substitute for having an actual personality. Yes, you can pretend to be someone you're not, but that means whenever you're around that person, you have to pretend to be someone you're not. How long can you keep that up for? You're not a secret agent. Be yourself, but be the best version of yourself.

  3. Be prepared for the arms race. You are now in competition with many other men (dozens at a party, thousands to millions in your city, billions worldwide). You are going to win some and you are going to lose some. Be prepared for both. In your case, it's winning that's going to be harder to deal with: It's the unknown. Embrace the unknown.

    That said...

    > How do I overcome my inexperience?

    AndyNemmity said it: Practice.

    > Should I ever tell women that I'm inexperienced? (I tried this once and it might've put her off.)

    I would say, yes, you should; if nothing else, when asked, but I don't recommend bringing it up. This is really your call. Different people will react in different ways. It's going to take some time to learn what those ways will be.

    > What should I do about my emotions showing up like yesterday?
    I think my self-esteem problem comes from my inexperience, but is there anything I can do specifically for that problem?

    You are not going for 100%. You are going for 5%. Out of 20, 19 are practice. Act on your emotions as soon as you get an inkling of them. Regret lasts so much longer than rejection.

    > I'm starting to use dating sites. Do you have any ideas for my circumstances? (Maybe I should look for a short-term relationship, or more women in the 18-22 range, or older women?)

    Every word counts. Give people something to build on. Make sure your profile has lots of things to talk about. You are awesome. You make awesome into a verb. Be as positive as possible: Nothing has ever gone wrong in your life.

    When you reach out to someone, make sure that there's something obvious to respond to. Ask an open-ended question about their profile. "Hi, how's it going?" is good enough in real life, but sucks online.

    > Is it wrong for me to turn down interested women? (Like the "love" case above, but maybe I should just do it anyway. That doesn't seem fair to anyone.)

    It might be right for you. This is something only you can decide. Is a relationship with this woman an improvement in your life? Maybe, maybe not.

    > Should I learn/accomplish/do something to stand out of the crowd?
    I try to strike up a conversation before asking someone out to get some comfort in learning a little about them. Is this a bad approach? It probably limits my options.

    If you have everyone's attention, you are making an impression on anyone you might be interested in. This is a two-way street, so while it's powerful, be careful.

    You should have something interesting to talk about. Otherwise you're just one of the masses, and blending in isn't going to get anyone's attention.

    I'll also mention that you might consider getting one of your female friends to set you up. This is likely to be a lot less game-playing. Maybe you want to play games; games are fun, after all, and you probably don't want something too serious right now. You probably don't even know what it is you want. If you do know, tap into your social network.

    > If I'm the one keeping a conversation going (by asking questions, introducing topics, etc.), how likely is it that she's not interested?

    Very likely, but that isn't your fault. We live in a self-centered society. The best you can manage is pay attention to the things other people say (do not talk to just girls; talk to everyone), and tie back into it later. Someone who is actually paying attention will be genuinely surprising.

    On the downside, then you may well become the bored one.

    > Are there any books that could help me? Assume I've never read any on this topic.

    It sounds like the major issue you're having is picking up on signals. For that, I would recommend starting with The Definitive Book of Body Language; skip to chapter 15, but read the whole thing. I've also seen advertisements for You Say More Than You Think but haven't read it; that might be useful. Really there are any number of body language manuals out there. Read at least one, preferably more.

    Consider reading either some of the book by Leil Lowndes (in particular, I'd recommend How to Talk to Anyone), or The Rules of the Game; both will get you started just talking to people. I would favor Leil Lowndes' work just because she seems less sketchy (though she did co-write a paper with David DeAngelo).
u/wothy · 5 pointsr/AskReddit

Not sure if you're only looking for fiction or an entertaining read, but here are some "self help" books which have blown my mind and have had a huge impact on my life for the better. I wouldn't personally call them "self help" books, but rather, books for everyone seeking to improve themselves and learn how to make a happier life for themselves and others. Please don't be put off by the nature of these "self help" books - a few years ago I was of the belief that these were only for social retards and people with psychological issues, but I've since learned that these books can pretty much improve the life of anyone in the world in some way. Some of the things I learned in these books were so profound I had to put the book down in shock just to process it all.

Vital Lies, Simple Truths by Daniel Goleman

This shows how everyone (including yourself) will always see the world subjectively according to their own personal experiences and bias - whether being conscious of it or not. It'll really show you how to read more into interpersonal relations and develop a far better insight into how people (and perhaps even you) think mentally. Of course it's human nature for people to think they're perfectly rational, but this book shows how to recognise how people will subconsciously deceive themselves into seeing the world as the mind wants to see it.

The Definitive Book of Body Language by Barbara and Allan Pease

As the title suggests, this shows you how to read into body language. This really blew my mind - with this you will learn how to read FAR more into people and more effectively project desired attitudes of your own onto others. This will teach you things that most people are totally oblivious to, and yet, by understanding body language you will be able to tell so much more about people from it - this has taught me how to find out what people are actually thinking.

How to Argue & Win Every Time by Gerry Spence

Don't be fooled by the title - this book is not so much about arguing as it is about getting what you want with people and in life. Written by one of the world's best trial lawyers, it'll teach you how to more effectively communicate and connect with others in order to get what you and others want. At first I was averse to reading anything from a lawyer, but he really surprised me on this one - it was a hugely entertaining read and his words were some of the wisest I've ever read.

Comedy Writing Secrets by Mel Helitzer

This will teach you how to be funny! Of course, this sounds stupid and one might think that this kind of thing can't be learned, but I promise you that no matter who you are, if you read this you'll become a far more interesting person.

I don't know if these were the kind of books that you were looking for, but I hope this comes to some help to at least one Redditor out there. It's just that all of these books have greatly improved my life, and I wish I could have found these earlier. Plus it'd be nice if people would give more heartfelt suggestions on where to find more books like these - hope this helps =)

u/sajisavat · 5 pointsr/books

The Man who Mistook his Wife for a Hat By Oliver Sacks is an amazing book about odd neurological disorders and what they do to people. It is a fascinating, well-written book that was very easy to read.

Musicophilia: Tales of Music and the Brain By Oliver Sacks is another very interesting book about how music affects the brain.

The Definitive Book of Body Language is another good book that'll make you a bit more observant of people.

The Art of War is always a classic, good, and informative read.

Those have been my favorite. I have a friend who suggest The Tipping Point is a really good book, but I haven't gotten around to it yet.

Hope that helped.

Edit: Me grammar wrongs

u/thirtysixred · 5 pointsr/IWantToLearn

I recommend some books on body language.

I'm currently reading The Definitive Book of Body Language

I have also read What Every BODY is Saying

I recommend both of them.

The first book is more about general body language, body language in business, and body language is courting. The second book is about lying and catching people lie.

There is also this book: Unmasking the Face: A Guide to Recognizing Emotions From Facial Expressions which I haven't read yet, but it looks good.

u/ngroot · 4 pointsr/AskReddit

Alter your body language. The Definitive Guide to Body Language does a very good job of pointing out the body language that we all use in different situations; try to consciously choose body language that doesn't match the situation you're in.

A simple but fun experiment would be to stand closer than cultural norms allow and see if you can get a "waltz" going like the author talks about when Japanese folks have standing conversations with Americans.

u/kskxt · 4 pointsr/SocialEngineering

The problem with these things is the cherry-picking and hindsight used as (after-the-fact) applications of the knowledge.

I suggest Alan Pease's body language book. It's a great read and doesn't feel like it's trying to impose anything on you.

(Never read nor watch anything that has to do with NLP, FWIW.)

u/blalien · 4 pointsr/bestof

If you say hi to a woman on the street and she says "fuck off," then she's a jerk. If you say hi to a lot of women and they all give you the cold shoulder, it's possible you are being creepier than you intend. There are subtle body cues to tell if a person is interested in talking to you. If a woman has her head stuck in a newspaper or cell phone, or if she's walking forward very intently, then she's not interested. Don't even bother saying hello. If she's sitting down and her feet are pointed in your direction and she smiles at you, then maybe go for it. Some men would get rejected a lot less often if they only hit on women they had a chance with.

This book changed my life, although it is a bit gender essentialist. I would recommend it if you believe you have trouble interacting with people.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Definitive-Book-Body-Language/dp/0553804723

u/[deleted] · 4 pointsr/seduction

I have this book here, http://www.amazon.com/Definitive-Book-Body-Language/dp/0553804723 found it to be quite informative.

u/iamsolidsnake · 4 pointsr/IWantToLearn

http://www.amazon.com/Definitive-Book-Body-Language/dp/0553804723/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpt_1

Body Language by allan pease, who's basically written a lot of standardized text on the matter.

http://www.paulekman.com/publications/recentbooks/

Paul Ekman and his FACS, METT, and SETT programs/methods.

Between these two authors you basically have everything you need to decode larger body language and finer subtleties of of facial movement.

u/thekingsdaughter · 4 pointsr/OneY

Sometimes its feet too... you usually point your feet towards something you like or something you want. Body language doesn't lie.


And yes, there are a lot of hoaky stupid books/sites about body language but if you find one that was written by someone credible the info is really awesome. I liked The Definitive Book of Body Language

u/natrlselection · 4 pointsr/AskMen

The Definitive Book of Body Language

Really taught me a lot about how people interact, and made me much more socially aware. Easy read, and very interesting.

u/frumpi · 3 pointsr/bodylanguage

Touching the face can indicate that the person is uneasy, lying, or has an itch. You need to read this action together with other 'micro expressions' if you want to get closer to their real intentions.

Try reading The Definitive Book of Body Language, It's essentially the de-facto book on body language.

u/shane0mack · 3 pointsr/everymanshouldknow

Thank You for Arguing -- It's sort of a Cliff's Notes for rhetoric. Really interesting stuff.

The Definitive Book of Body Language -- If you practice a bit, these tells can really come in handy

u/WatchingTheThronePod · 2 pointsr/Kanye

https://open.spotify.com/user/cjhlambert/playlist/6rdsDoz8Hxi0EYbybhdZOq?si=Ej1TmeNg

And I'm not a doctor so take this with a grain of salt. But when I had my depression and got out of it I was really fascinated by the process and have spent a few years reflecting on it, reading books on neuroscience, forming theories, testing them, etc. Real stupid nerd hobby stuff that I find interesting because psychology is so interesting.

Depression tends to fall into two categories. Hereditary and circumstantial. Hereditary depression is genetic in nature and responds very well to medication. Circumstantial depression is the kind brought on by a relationship ending, being in a job you hate, not being satisfied with life, etc. Circumstantial depression is due to negative thought circuits so doesn't really respond to medication because medication treats chemical imbalances. Chemical imbalances aren't the same as negative thought patterns.

Negative thought patterns almost always have a trigger sensory trigger. As do most negative patterns. For example, say you get McDonalds every day on your way to work. You put on 100lbs. You decide you want to lose the weight. Every day you drive to work will be a struggle to not get McDonalds because you've formed a habit chain triggered by the drive to work. Fighting the trigger will deplete glucose (the willpower resource that fuels good decision making), leaving you susceptible to poor decision making later in the day.

So if you want to break the McDonalds habit and not have the morning struggle the solution would be to take a different road to work. This is because the new route means a new neural pattern has to form for "drive to work" since the new route has different sensory information. This means it cleans the slate when it comes to triggers. Meaning you won't have the same McDonalds cravings.

The best thing you can do then to recover from a depression is rearrange as much as you can. Change the layout of your bedroom and living room. Buy five new shirts. Travel to a city you've never been to before. Get some decorations. Spend time with friends at places the two of you have never gone before. Start watching new TV shows you've never seen.

By rearranging the furniture around you, you create a new neural pattern that dilutes the power of old triggers. Like, if you and an ex sat on the couch all the time, every time you sit on the couch you'll trigger the neural patterns for your ex. But if you move the couch to face a new wall then you suddenly don't have any memories/patterns of having been with your ex in this situation.

When I was depressed at college and couldn't drop out, I ended up spending a lot of time at the campus book store reading graphic novels. I'd go to the art museum. I'd go to movies. By immersing myself in these artistic realms it made the reality of Cleveland in the winter that much more bearable because for a few hours each day I was mentally and spiritually gone from Cleveland.

For some further reading, check out Willpower by Roy Baumeister. Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg. Then I really recommend reading the book The Definitive Guide to Body Language by Barbara and Allan Pease (something like that. The body language book is just something really cool because it always gives you something to do. Like, I've been at parties where I didn't know anyone but because I know this dumb shit about body language I could read the room and know who liked who, who disliked who, who wasn't having a good time, who was, and then figure out who to talk to. It's helped me make friends, get laid, get friends laid, do well in work situations, etc. invaluable information that was also part of my getting out of depression.

If you have any questions, please ask!

u/KillYourselfLiving · 2 pointsr/The48LawsOfPower

Charme and Charisma are closely tied together but there still are a few differences, though so minor that we are going to ignore them for the sake of this post.

Charme is important to charm your opposite, be it male or female, into agreeing with you. One could say that charme makes people say yes. Even if you didn't ask a question.

There are a few things that play together:

  • Your attractiveness level, including grooming, smell, clothing.

  • Your power & status, but also knowledge and expertise fall under this category.

  • Authority & calmness

  • Your body language & confidence.

  • Your humour.

  • Empathy & your presence in the here and now. Ergo listening without becoming distracted.

  • Your agreeability and likableness.

    There is no denying that a powerful person always has more charme than his inferiors. There have been studies where actors assumed the same body language and were equally attractive, were paired up against a powerful person. The effects of charme and humour were measured and it turned out that the powerful person scored much better.

    Now how can you learn to be more charming? My book recommendations that cover every important aspect would be:

  • The Art of Seduction

  • How to Win Friends & Influence People

  • The Definite Book of Body Language

  • The Charisma Myth

    This covers everything except for humour but I fear I can not help you with that. In my opinion, you either have humour, or you don't but many people claim that humour is a learnable skill. Anyway, it was never of interest to me but I am sure that you will find some sources teaching the art of humour.
u/No0ther0ne · 2 pointsr/relationship_advice

One of the best ways to help you learn how to communicate better with people in general is to work on your self esteem and confidence. Don't just try to find some random topcis and memorize them. Invest in topics that are personally important to you. Become well versed in those topics. If you just try to memorize random topics or things you think other people are interested in, but you aren't that interested in, people will start to sense it is fake. Instead, if someone else brings up a topic in which they seem passionate about, but you don't know much about, just openly admit you know nothing about the topic and ask them if they can explain it or share more about it. People will generally react more positively in that scenario. You aren't trying to impress them with your knowledge, but rather you are encouraging them to share their knowledge.

One of the keys in communication with others, especially those you are interested in, is building them up. Let them share their experiences and don't try to one up them. Don't continue to relate everything they say or do to something you have done or heard. Ask them questions about their experiences and what they learned or enjoyed most about them. If you have had similar experiences, wait until they ask you about yours. If they shared first, then generally a good idea is to spend considerably less time sharing your experience. You can always share more later if they ask. But you want to validate their experiences and knowledge.

Ultimately the best way to learn about these things is to find books on the subject:

"How to Win Friends and Influence People"

"Bringing out the Best in People"

"The Definitive Book of Body Language"

"Never Eat Alone: And Other Secrets to Success, One Relationship at a Time"

"Words that Work"

I also recommend a YouTube channel called "Charisma on Command"

u/timeqube · 2 pointsr/socialskills

A lot of books can offer valid practical advice, but AFAIK, there is no one compendium that you have to read. The best thing you can do is develop a mindset consisting of your values regarding interpersonal interaction. Social skills are 80% mindset and 20% taking a plunge and a willingness to try.


Apart from the books I suggested in the other thread, I can only advise you to branch out:

  • Many people, among them myself, appreciate ancient stoicism (Epictetus, Marcus Aurelius). Philosophy, ethics in particular, can be highly beneficial, because it forces you to actually think about what your values are supposed to look like.

  • /r/howtonotgiveafuck is modern stoicism and relates to our discussion about how much you should care.The quality varies - I haven't checked it out lately, but it went through excellent and less than stellar phases.

  • It is always useful to understand body language, to avoid sending negative body signals, understand others better and become more expressive. This book is great.

  • /r/getsuave is a subreddit aimed at those who want to build charisma and navigate social situations with elegance. It is concerned with dating and attraction a lot.

  • "How to win friends and influence people" will probably be suggested. It was revolutionary when it came out, but today, it's more of a staple. An interesting read, but not the holy grail. Also less manipulative than the title suggests.

  • Personality psychology, albeit a fuzzy field, might prove useful. It can open your eyes to how different people are, which can lead to a better understanding of yourself and others. MBTI is highly popular, but entirely unscientific - the theory behind it is wobbly and wonky. If you want to take a test, I'd suggest this one, as it cuts down on the theory fluff and aims at incorporating Big5, the most reliable and scientific tool to date.
u/CrispyBrian · 2 pointsr/IWantToLearn

There are several videos on YouTube I like to use.
This page will help you with the rapid start.

https://www.youtube.com/user/charismaoncommand

Charlie is a very good with introducing body language and tips how to work on your expressions as well.

Than I recommend to continue by reading books.
https://www.amazon.com/Definitive-Book-Body-Language-Expressions/dp/0553804723
Good luck

u/SpaceIguana · 2 pointsr/dating_advice

As far as anxiety goes if it doesn’t seem too bad you can usually deal with it by yourself. I have tried medication but that just made me an emotionless zombie so I quit taking it. My anxiety is big when it comes to new activities, people, and/or places. After some introspection I believe it may be related to how hard I judge myself and mainly my fear of failure. Before I do most things I like to research so that I can be prepared and not just show up and fail.

When I don’t do that and jump in unprepared and have to do something new the anxiety spikes. I have since come to accept these moments because they happen and will continue to happen. Worrying about it won’t change the fact that is happening. People try new things/situations and fail all the time. Failure is common and an opportunity to learn. Sometimes you win some and sometimes you learn some.

I don’t expect new guys in my shop to show up and perform at the same level as others with more experience. When people try new things it is expected that they might fail. It is normal to fail. If someone points out your failure to make fun of you then they are obviously immature and lacking in manners if they make themselves feel good by putting down others.

> It's so bad now, that I don't see the need for a friend - I could live my life without concern for that, despite having had great friendships, but not without a lover.

As long as you understand that just because you don’t see it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist if that makes any sense. Lonliness sucks.

> I'm sure I've got 1 too many bad reactions to things I've said / how I've said them, that I just don't feel comfortable being "me" from the get go now - & I'm honestly nothing bad!

This is how it works with pretty much everyone in most social situations. You start talking to them politely and little by little letting more of your personality show until you reach a point they are comfortable with. Pay attention to yourself when you are with others and you will see that you act differently with different people.

> For example, I was at a part-social, part-work related get-together, with my younger teen siblings present. I was sitting with them & 2 girls who I knew from work. So, me being me, saw some matches & went to show them a trick whereby I made a match jump erratically. My siblings obviously were amused along with previous partners, but the reactions from the 2 girls were literally, "I don't get it", belittling dialogue & yawn. I'm not Houdini, but it was just a little musing - not a date pick-up line or something :/

So they didn’t like it, big deal. You can’t make everyone happy. What do you mean “not a date pick-up line or something”? Is that what they thought it was but you weren’t trying for that or something else?

> Just wondering if there are any other sectors that are viable, like the cushy life of School (though I blew uni. 3 years of solitude went by fast).

Not sure what you mean here. Also, I never went to a university.

> I'll possibly also try picking girls up through the controversially sexist PUA concepts with a twist - I'm going for love instead of one night stands.

Do not become a PUA practitioner. Not being yourself with others is deceitful and employing manipulative techniques to win people over with a false you will result in nothing but heartache and letdown for both parties involved. There’s a reason the saying goes, “the road to hell is paved in good intentions.” Good intentions do not excuse bad practice. Don’t you want someone to love you for who you are?

I wouldn’t want to be with someone who fell for the fake me over some manipulative techniques. By all means though go and explore the PUA community and form your own opinion. I’ve already done that and you can see how I feel about it.

> The skill of socializing Is something I'm going to need to work on - but is this something only available via practice in the real world / deep end?

Do scientist go out and practice real world applications without first researching? Some yes but most of the ones that make progress do not. We are past the age of being young and dumb were it was acceptable to make many mistakes socializing. As adults we are expected to at least be good at socializing and practicing social norms. Some of use are behind the curve and that is where the greatest information resource of all time comes in. I’m talking about the internet , of course, but books too. Now start researching but remember book smarts alone aren’t always enough. You must combine book smarts with experience to have a more fruitful outcome.

> This really is my current & largest ever life goal.

That makes sense because in a world full of people being able to properly socialize is one of the most important skillsets.

Here are some of the resources that I have used and have gained knowledge from.

r/AskMen

r/AskWomen

r/Bumble subreddit for the dating app

r/datingoverthirty You may not be over thirty but there’s still a lot of good advice in there

r/malefashionadvice if you want to expand your wardrobe

r/relationships

r/sex

r/socialanxiety

r/socialskills

r/swipehelper and by extension SwipeHelper.com This is a good resource for Tinder.

r/Tinder

r/WritingPrompts because you said you like writing

Photofeeler for getting feedback on pictures you may want to use in the online dating sphere

Books;

How to Win Friends & Influence People The book was written a while ago so the situation may be outdated but the principles can still be applied today.

Models: Attract Women Through Honesty

From the description;

> “Models is the first men's dating book ever written on seduction as a purely emotional process rather than a logical one, a process of connecting with women rather than impressing them, a process of self-expression rather than manipulation. It's the most mature and honest guide on how a man can attract women without faking behavior, without lying and without emulating others. A game-changer.”

The Definitive Book of Body Language: The Hidden Meaning Behind People's Gestures and Expressions

We can continue our discussion here but if have any questions in the future I am just a PM away. I don’t have all the answers but I am willing to share my experiences.

u/xeltius · 2 pointsr/intj

I used this one:

http://www.amazon.com/Definitive-Book-Body-Language/dp/0553804723/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1420778637&sr=8-1&keywords=body+langauge

It isn't necessarily the best book and there may be better ones. The big thing is that once you read through a body language book, you learn what types of things to look for. After that, you practice speaking the language and reading people just as you would practice speaking English and reading novels, newspapers, etc. Everyone is saying something.

Also, for more dating type stuff, read The Body Language Project. The website is really sketchy. Just download it online somewhere or pirate it.

u/Immuchtooawesome · 2 pointsr/asktrp

I've read multiple chapters of this book and found it to be useful. http://www.amazon.com/Definitive-Book-Body-Language/dp/0553804723/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1421350241&sr=8-3&keywords=body+language

I can't give you a definitive answer since body language is mostly an all in one deal. Either you appear confident, or you dont. Try this book for some ideas though.

u/RudyFinger · 2 pointsr/IncelTears

Some basic recommendations:

https://www.amazon.com/Definitive-Book-Body-Language-Expressions/dp/0553804723/ref=cm_cr_srp_d_product_top?ie=UTF8

https://www.amazon.com/What-Every-BODY-Saying-Speed-Reading/dp/0061438294/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=ll1&linkId=bd2c9af18031113249e398f82105631e&tag=mysoccom-20

Understanding body language is extremely important. Being able to read other people will give you a tremendous advantage in communication. It can also help you to police your own body language so you're not doing stuff that puts people off, and also so that you communicate in ways that makes them feel comfortable.

As for direct communication... Honestly, I learned most of that from a very good teacher of speech (as in, giving speeches) and from a friend who is quite ugly but does extremely well with women. Self-perception is a lot more important than people think. How you perceive yourself translates into you how present yourself. That takes more work, of course, but knowing this is a good place to start with that.

I also got a great deal from a book on emotional intelligence, but I can't remember what it was called and it was a library loan, so I don't even have it on my bookself to look it up. But I'd say look for books on that topic, as well. I did a quick look and found this one is highly recommended:

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0974320625/ref=sspa_dk_detail_1?psc=1

As for websites, there's a lot out there. I'd just Google and see what strikes your fancy.

Good luck with it. In my personal estimation, the body language was the single most helpful thing I've studied. I use it constantly now, and it's just second nature to "read" people.

u/greadhdyay · 2 pointsr/INTP

Look into books about body language and non verbal cues - it helped me a shocking amount. For me, I approach social interactions as a way to understand, to explore ideas and concepts, broaden my own views and understanding, act on my curiosity about the other person by asking questions and trying to engage them in interesting conversations. I never realized how much non verbal cues affected an exchange for other people than it did for me or the fact that I was sending out the wrong cues to others despite trying my best to engage them.

One of the books I've read is What Every BODY is Saying: An Ex-FBI Agent's Guide to Speed-Reading People - Amazon Link and The Definitive Book of Body Language I have read a couple of others as well but can't remember their names off the top of my head.

I found a pdf of the books here and here after a bit of googling.

When I put some of these non verbal behaviors into practice, I was utterly shocked to find how much of a difference it made (I didn't really believe it would make such a difference). I felt a bit fake and awkward about it in the beginning but as I practiced, it is starting to feel more genuine. I guess I am exercising my Fe and improving my application of it. People generally became a bit/a lot more receptive to me (depends on the person of course) and my exchanges didn't feel as one sided anymore. It's not perfect but it's better than before. Good luck!

u/invisiblecamel · 2 pointsr/Random_Acts_Of_Amazon

The Definitive Book of Body Language is a good read. Very close to what is taught by professors.


Edit. Don't pay to much attention to books that say they can help you catch liars. Even when trained to tell lies it's still a crap-shoot.

u/NopeNotQuite · 2 pointsr/seduction

http://www.amazon.com/The-Definitive-Book-Body-Language/dp/0553804723

Excuse my wording, it was "of Body Language" not on.

u/lazy_neutrino · 2 pointsr/Advice

It starts with they way you walk and carry with yourself. If you're walking with your shoulders forward, scrunched up, head down staring at the ground; you look like a victim and will be treated as one by predators. I don't like it or agree with it but that's how the world works.
Keep your head up looking far down the street, shoulders back, ready for anything to come at you.
A great book on the subject is the Definitive Book of Body Language by Pease.

https://www.amazon.com/Definitive-Book-Body-Language-Expressions/dp/0553804723

Edit: I'm not a big guy or anything, 5'11" 160, nothing spectacular (grew up short and fat so I know both sides), but I walk with confidence and purpose and don't get messed with...I am also willing to back it up physically of need be. Hope that helps! Feel free to pm me if you'd like

u/HunterofSquirrels · 2 pointsr/aspergers

>Of course, some people with AS do learn body language and emoting by studying actors in TV/film/theater and acting out their emotions. Compensating like this is terribly exhausting, as they're essentially giving a live stage performance any time they're talking to someone, and it can also lead to people sensitive to body language consciously or unconsciously realizing that the "aspie" is acting (as opposed to being natural), which is the sort of thing that in many people would be a danger sign. As a result, the "aspie" can come off as " creepy" even if they've theoretically solved their aforementioned body language problem.

Holy shit! Not only have I studied through observation but i've also read books. (which aren't easy to finish if you have, presumably, comorbid ADHD by the way.)

u/OrionSuperman · 2 pointsr/cscareerquestions

I would read The Definitive Guide to Body Language and practice giving the correct 'signals' so you leave as good of an impression as possible. If there are two candidates of equal technical prowess, the one who would be a better fit for company culture (aka more likable) will generally get the position. It's a way to approach the interview from an analytical mindset focusing on the soft skills.

u/Danakin · 1 pointr/socialskills

You give good hints, but I personally don't think a restaurant is the place to go to if you want to find out if a girl likes you or not.

Just think about it, there is a whole table full of stuff acting as some kind of 'barrier' between you and the girl. This is "first official date" kind of stuff where you don't have to figure these things out anymore.

I'm not the biggest expert on dating myself, but it's always good to not have such a barrier, and it's also better when you can see her legs. Is she sitting relaxed or does she take defensive/nervous postures? Do her feet point to you or the door? Is one of her feet constantly wipping up and down?

I read in a book on body language, either this one or this one, the former definitely having a chapter on flirting body language, that legs and feet are our most honest parts of the body, and think about it, it makes sense. You can lie with your face (e.g. poker face), with your hands (think of a liar who shows you his palms in a 'wasn't me' kind of way), but we rarely think about what our feet do.

I think that's why café are such popular "dating" places. You don't have to sit across a table, it's a relaxed setting and the seats are very comfortable. It's cheaper than a restaurant, too. When you're in a café you can try to sit next to her, or at least at ~90°.

u/Bobby_Bonsaimind · 1 pointr/LifeProTips

Reading through Allan and Barbara Pease's The Defintive Book Of Body Language actually was a real eye opener for me. It not only explains all what you've said, but also goes deeper.

And crossing the feet in a 90° angle (forming the figure 4) can be regarded as negative (it is most of the times used by people who'd like to argue about their point).

u/Chyndonax · 1 pointr/psychology

Those both come from a book called The Definitive Book of Body Language by Barbra and Alan Pease. They back their claims up with studies Here's a link to the relevant section of the book using Amazon's search inside this book feature. At least I hope it will work that way.

http://www.amazon.com/Definitive-Book-Body-Language/dp/0553804723/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1255564935&sr=8-1#reader

The don't mention the exact name of the study, just saying it was a University of Minnesota one. It's probably in an appendix.

Likewise with the palms.

http://www.amazon.com/Definitive-Book-Body-Language/dp/0553804723/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1255564935&sr=8-1#reader

Intentionally using open palms to deceive. It can be tricky to do.

http://www.amazon.com/Definitive-Book-Body-Language/dp/0553804723/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1255564935&sr=8-1#reader

Get Anyone To Do Anything by David J. Lieberman, PhD is another excellent book on this topic. It goes more for the verbal manipulators.

http://www.amazon.com/Get-Anyone-Anything-Again-Psychological/dp/0312270178/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1255565543&sr=1-1

u/InvictusRex · 1 pointr/seduction

There are a lot of good body language books. The video you linked explaining why books don't work is stupid, he makes no good points.

This is how you learn from a body language book: Read the book. Consciously pay attention to the body language of people around you and notice when they perform things that you read about. It's that easy. He'll I would argue that is a much better way to learn because you're getting real examples rather than just watching a video and trying to play copy cat. Point it, books are good.

Use this book: http://www.amazon.com/The-Definitive-Book-Body-Language/dp/0553804723

Read this: http://www.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/1dd13a/above_the_game_part_3_body_language_how_to/

u/lockmayonnaise · 1 pointr/INTP

First you'll want to take care of your non-verbal language, that's probably the most important thing. In high school I went from being physically awkward to "normal" and people just started being more comfortable talking to me, even though my ability to small talk or whatever was exactly the same.

So, to do that focus on posture first, then learn about body language by also watching every video.

That will give you a lot of interesting knowledge and you'll have a lot of fun learning, trust me.

To add to this, meditating helps you be aware of your body and getting rid of a lot of anxiety that you may have, so do it every day.

Then, when you can make people comfortable just by the way you you look at them and interact with them, small talk is so much easier (still tedious and hard at times but you won't feel like you're the only one trying to make conversation) and you'll feel so normal.

u/Shizuka42 · 1 pointr/Schizoid

These should get you strated:



What Every BODY is Saying Amazon link.

The Definitive Book of Body Language Amazon link


Whit focus on social engineering:



Social Engineering: The Art of Human Hacking Amazon link



If money is an issue you can find all of these books on pirate bay.



These books are not read-once-and-become-expert, like with any skill it takes time and practice.

u/ColorOfSpace · 1 pointr/intj

The Definitive Guide To Body Language

I've been reading here and there for years but this is the only book I have. I think it's far from definitive, but it has a lot of good stuff in it. You will probably find that you already know more than you think you do and you will become more perceptive just by becoming aware.

I've also heard good things about What Every BODY Is Saying. I haven't read it yet but it's on my list.


Also, because this is an MBTI subreddit I will include this. Facial Expressions Of The 8 Functions. I noticed a while ago that each type looked a certain way but was never able to fully break it down until I found this website. I find Ne users to be the most obvious.

u/Prairiefire89 · 1 pointr/ADHD

I was right where you are a few years ago when I was finishing up my undergrad college degree. In my senior year, I was already not doing too well as the school wasn't really for me due to a variety of reasons, but I had decided to grit my teeth and just power through.

Around this time, my ADHD started getting worse and worse without me realising it. I have a mild case of Aspergers so had spent so much time focusing on managing it, that ADHD seemed like a minor thing; something in the corner that I could easily take care of. It was a shock to me then when things started to fall apart. My concentration became worse and worse, my grades fell, then stagnated as I worked myself to the breaking point. I couldn't understand how everyone around me expended so little effort to get great grades and papers. Because of this and the complete lack of tutoring/psychological resources at my school (I DO NOT recommend attending a very small college), I developed situational depression and eventually thought that I was fundamentally worse and stupider than everyone else.

This downward spiral could have been a stopping point, but thanks to a great deal of support, I finished college, got a job, and am now in a place where I can use my ADHD as an asset. I don't know how old you are, or what you have tried, but I urge you to consider doing the following steps:

  1. Take a step back, breath, take a long walk. Focus on what's around you and what you're seeing, not on those thoughts crowding your mind. If a thought takes over and you start to panic, come back to the present. You can also do this while sitting, I recommend doing it in a spot with a great view.

  2. Come back to whatever work you have and do the simplest task possible. It could even be doing the dishes, as long as you get that done.

  3. Get through the rest of this week and don't forget to breathe. Use this community to ask for support, please pm me if you want some support. Believe me, we've all been through this before.

  4. OK, you've gotten through the week. Now its time to start focusing on the bigger stuff. Do you see a psychologist who specialises in adults with ADD? If not, I highly recommend finding one in your area. When I started seeing one after college, it completely changed my viewpoint on ADHD and allowed me to develop skills better suited to the ways I think, as well as break down unhelpful coping mechanisms/bad studying strategies I created earlier in life. If you find one, try to meet every week. This is not something that should be thought of as short-term, but as a refuge to reflect on what works and doesn't work for as long as you need it.

  5. Do you see a psychiatrist for your meds or just a doctor? If its the latter, I recommend getting a psychiatrist ASAP for your meds. They are not the end-all, be-all solution to ADHD, just another part of your tool-kit for managing it. Eveyone will have a toolkit that works best for them, and you deserve to have the kind of medication that's exactly what you need.

  6. The social stuff? It gets better, believe me. Are you in high school or college? For me, it was only towards the end of college and especially afterwords that I started developing good social skills. Find a counselor at your school and ask them for social skills resources, they're a good starting point. I also HIGHLY recommend finding an ADD support group if any exist in the area you live. There's also great book/online resources for social stuff, though they can be a bit dense. I recommend this for body language and this for more general social stuff.

  7. There are many more steps, but those are steps you create. YOU have the power over these steps and can do great things with them in your life.

    ADHD like life is a journey. There will be ups and downs. But the experience can be amazing instead of crushing if you get the help.
u/RestrainedGold · 1 pointr/JUSTNOMIL

> I really do not grasp social skills, nor do I notice I've said/done something wrong until someone points it out, usually hours later.

Have you ever read any books on body language? this one is good. While I am not autistic, I really struggled with body language partially because the body language my mother uses is really wonky - so I would get the wrong messages. I still sometimes do.

It was amazing how much more sense other people made once I had some sort of rules to go off of. Maybe it would help you in a similar way? A good part of social skills is not just your ability to express yourself, but also your ability to read the people around you, and engage in social mirroring. I did not do social mirroring very well until I read that book. I realize it won't be perfect, but it might give you a few more tools.

u/lolxcorezorz · 1 pointr/gifs

That book actually goes over this exact style of handshake, deeming it "The Socket-Wrencher" on page 62.

The book goes on to say it usually indicates one of three things: first that the initiator is insecure, second that the initiator is from an area with small areas of personal space, or third that the initiator is trying to exert control upon the recipient.

Source book

u/Zander_aq · 1 pointr/IAmA

You could try reading this book on body language.

It might put things in a more pattern like manner for you.

Also, a question please, if things are presented to you in a cause-effect style is it easy/easier to understand them ?

From what I've read it's my understanding that it's hard to you to handle topics/situation with a lot of subtle, implied, non-written rules... am I right ?

u/Morpheotrinity · 1 pointr/seduction

The definitive book of body language - has been mentioned on seddit in the past several times. Some people mention "What everybody is saying"

u/AnnaUndefind · 1 pointr/aspergers

Fair, and to some extent, necessary. I agree with you. Interviewing, you don't necessarily need to be charming, just well prepared. Job interviews are formulaic, and it's not hard to look up common interview questions and prepare for them.

One thing to suggest; confidence. While confidence won't stop social awkwardness, it can help cover for it.

So how did I gradually build greater confidence?

One way was comptent Therapy. This helped a lot.

The other is maintaining the illusion of confidence. Take a page from the NT playbook, and lie through body language.

So what does a confident person look like? Well, there are a number of different types of body language for this, but I usually fall back to "the drill sergeant" as I call it. Back mostly straight, neck straight, eyes forward, feet pointed forward, about a shoulders length apart, knees slightly bent, hands tucked into the "small"of my back (just above the pelvic bone), shoulders rolled slightly back. You can thrust your hips forward as well, slightly.

[Example from behind.] (http://image.slidesharecdn.com/decodingbodylanguage-140917110453-phpapp02/95/decoding-body-language-82-638.jpg?cb=1415932101)

Example from front.

This exposes your belly, while clasping your hands behind your back shows you're not afraid of a frontal attack. It is a common stance for reflecting confidence. If it works for you, practice it, master it, and feel the confidence.

[This is a great resource for learning the how's and why's of certain kinds of body language.] (https://www.amazon.com/Definitive-Book-Body-Language-Expressions/dp/0553804723?SubscriptionId=AKIAILSHYYTFIVPWUY6Q&tag=duckduckgo-d-20&linkCode=xm2&camp=2025&creative=165953&creativeASIN=0553804723) I recommend it, though there are plenty of other great books about body language.

u/Warus157 · 1 pointr/seduction

OP is actually right on this subject matter. Just because a girl touches you on the arm/back doesn’t automatically signal that she likes likes you. It could mean she is either warming up to you, or is down right messing around.

If you have a chance, read the The Definitive Book of Body Language, the book explains in great detail that it is super important that you read the entire human body as a whole. That means you must observe the person’s facial expressions, the way how they move their feet, how they behave around others, etc. We humans are really complicated creatures. Whatever comes out from our mouths will not always correlate with how we really feels about an/a individual/group/situation.

Edit: grammar correction on second to last line of this comment.

u/BoxxZero · 1 pointr/videos

His book is really amazing.

It covers so many aspects of body language and how it affects our day to day lives.
I read it years ago and it's fascinating how much more perceptive you become in social interactions.

u/razorfantasy · 1 pointr/AskReddit

I'm gonna lay a secret on you.

Well, not a SECRET per se, but an awesome book that lots of people don't know about. As somebody who used to be AWFUL at reading people (and still am to a certain extent) I found this book to be really great at giving you clear-cut signals you can read.

The Definitive Book of Body Language

seriously. its a great book that tells you and shows you the how and why of body language in social situations. look it up.

u/Fooly · 1 pointr/AskReddit

There are a few books I found useful for understanding body language, You say more than you think and The definitive book of body language.

For Liespotting I would recommend looking in to Paul Ekman's books. I haven't read any of his books but I have heard his named mentioned, and he is well known in the field.

Also I would suggest googling "detecting deception."

oh and maybe check out /r/bodylanguage

u/mag_cue · 1 pointr/TwoXChromosomes

Will try to find the name, I have the book somewhere around here.

http://www.amazon.com/Definitive-Book-Body-Language/dp/0553804723

u/wagubeaf · 1 pointr/amiugly

You are good looking, maybe can change your haircut, but definitely are handsome and will get more handsome as time goes on. What is probably pulling you back right now with the ladies is posture and body language. May I recommend this book: http://www.amazon.com/Definitive-Book-Body-Language/dp/0553804723

It gave me great confidence and made me think about what I look like to others. It helped a LOT with the ladies.

u/zwiebelsaft · 1 pointr/casualiama

This book helps a hell of a lot as well as trial and error.

u/PartlyWriter · 1 pointr/Screenwriting

Here are two screenwriting books that I really love that don't get a lot of love:

Writing for Emotional Impact and The 101 Habits of Highly Successful Screenwriters by Karl Iglesias. Those two go pretty unnoticed but are really insightful.

I also really enjoy:

Directing Actors: Creating Memorable Performances for Film & Television and The Film Director's Intuition: Script Analysis and Rehearsal Techniques by Judith Weston. It really helped give me an understanding on how actors look to find their performances and has really informed how I write both dialogue and character actions.

Let the Crazy Child Write!: Finding Your Creative Writing Voice by Clive Matson is great for just untethering your inner critic in some ways.

Lastly, a bit of an unexpected one The Definitive Book on Body Language which gives some interesting insight on how people behave.