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Reddit reviews on The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures

Sentiment score: 100
Reddit mentions: 145

We found 145 Reddit mentions of The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures. Here are the top ones.

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Found 145 comments on The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures:

u/DanteLesnie · 1360 pointsr/AskReddit

Unfortunately, I don't think she got around to reading The Ethical Slut yet.

u/her_nibs · 130 pointsr/relationships

groan

It was cool for you to have hook-ups with her and boff her in the toilets, but since she did that stuff with other people too, it's...

You're right about the "it's my issue" part. Except... The "I'm a slut" bit sounds like (as you note a couple of times) low self-esteem, crossed with internalised cultural crap. A boyfriend who has also internalised shaming stuff about sex will not be helpful to her. It would probably help both of you to use this as an opportunity to grow a bit here. Promiscuity isn't for everybody, but with consenting adults, is there any reason it's a problem...? Probably not, except for the shaming. Which makes no sense, and which is more of a problem than anything that comes out of thoughtful promiscuity. I haven't read it but The Ethical Slut is very well-reviewed...

>I find solace in the fact she has never dated before

That's not really a loving/caring/mature slant on it. It would be one thing if she had not wanted to date; as is it almost sounds like her self-esteem is so far down she didn't see herself as somebody who could be another person's partner. That's a thing to grieve, really.

Dunno. If you don't want to love and care for the entirety of this person, it's probably not a good idea to half-ass it. But plenty of this relationship sounds promising; I'd work on it.

u/sleepyhouse · 47 pointsr/AskReddit

PS: for any folks interested in learning about polyamory (you know, for science) check out The Ethical Slut.

EDIT: Healthy (pre-established) polyamory between consenting adults. Ditto on the responsibility: keep those kids your number one priority.

u/BearonVonMu · 40 pointsr/AdviceAnimals

This is what I came here to find/post. Second date is a fine time to tell you about an open relationship/polyamory. If she is up-front and honest about it and you are as well, it'll probably turn out well. For a good book to read through on the topic, I recommend "The Ethical Slut" (http://www.amazon.com/The-Ethical-Slut-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379).

u/brzcory · 19 pointsr/badpeoplestories

Well, as you're in a poly relationship you should know that talking is priority 1. Go read "The Ethical Slut" again.

Communication between all parties should be EASY. If you have a problem, and you're afraid to bring it up, that's a huge red flag on larger problems.

Sit down, talk it out.

That being said, it's entirely possible he's just a super-stupid immature 29 year old. It's entirely possible he just wants to fuck her. She might just wanna fuck him. It happens. But that's stuff you find out when you TALK to your girlfriend.

You also have to sit down with yourself and really think: "Do I wanna be in a relationship with someone who would find someone that much older attractive?" Marley is old enough to make her own decisions, and to reap the consequences of them (even if that means you leave her).

But you gotta sit down and talk. For hours. With everyone. It's a poly relationship, you WILL spend more time talking than doing other stuff. That's just part of it.

Also, never forget the golden rule: Half your age plus seven. For a 29 year old, the lower line is 21, which makes 18 creepy.

u/floodblood · 18 pointsr/AskMen

Happy husband(28m) of a somewhat open relationship of 13 years here. Don't let all these negative comments scare you. The beautiful thing about your relationship is that it's yours, and you two(or more!) get to tailor it to whatever suits you.

What you're talking about is commonly described as a "Don't Ask Don't Tell" style of open relationship. While not impossible, it does seem to make it a bit harder for most to keep things civil. I can tell you from personal experience that when my wife and I started with this style of relationship, we weren't ready for the amount of communication that was required to make this work, and we faltered. Years later, we have the luxury of time and experience to guide us into what has become a great source of fun for us both, without all the drama we started with.

Before jumping in, I'd recommend grabbing a couple books on the subject. My favorite being The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy.

What you and your partner are talking of doing can be a very fun and rewarding experience! Just keep in mind that changing your views are monogamy is a bigger test for some more than others.

u/charmed_quark · 16 pointsr/Tinder

Your posts are always fun to read - shockingly honest, even about decisions you seem to regret.

Opinion: Smart dude isn't going to be your guy. He's enjoying himself, but he doesn't see you as someone he's going to commit to beyond a regular fuck. He's going to avoid answering a question like that because he doesn't want to screw up what he's got going with you, and he only asks questions like that for validation. Pull the emergency brake on the feels train, or be ready to get hurt.

Keep doing you, but if you start to find that meaningless sex is starting to hollow you out don't hesitate to stop and re-evaluate/recharge.

If you haven't, read this: https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379

u/Shudder · 16 pointsr/asktransgender

Off the top of my head, I see a couple of options:

First, have you tried talking to her about toys? Would she be interested in receptive penetrative sex? Would she want to try out a strap-on? Related:NSFW (not porn)

Also, polyamory! No reason you can't have deep connections with multiple people. There are all sorts of ways of negotiating poly relationships in order to deal with issues like jealousy and that can accommodate all sorts of sexual inclinations. I definitely recommend checking out the Ethical Slut if you are curious.

u/MoebiusStriptease · 15 pointsr/LongDistance

Nonmonogamy is like Mad Dog Ghost Pepper Hot Sauce: not for everyone and every situation, but excellent when it's right. And if someone is forcing you to have Mad Dog Ghost Pepper Sauce, something's not quite right.

It sounds like you're not cool with nonmonogamy in this situation, but you don't want to upset the relationship or your SO. At the very least, it sounds like you have some feelings about it that aren't entirely positive.

I would encourage you very, very strongly to talk with your SO about these feelings. Ethical nonmonogamy takes a lot of honest, difficult communication, and LDRs take a lot of communication, too. As someone who's poly, in a long distance relationship with my primary partner who has encounters outside of our relationship, I can say that it's one of the most difficult but rewarding things I've learned to do.

If you want further reading on nonmonogamy (and just relationships in general), I'd suggest The Ethical Slut by Easton & Hardy.

u/rubikscubefreak · 14 pointsr/relationships

If you're really wanting to try an open relationship, I highly recommend you read The Ethical Slut. It's an incredibly eye-opening book about how to deal with some issues that might occur when you're in any kind of relationship, not just open relationships (working through jealousy, managing your time, enjoying intimacy, laying down ground rules, etc). And then, once you're done with that book (assuming this girl agrees to the open relationship bit), have her read it too.

u/notmyrealemail · 13 pointsr/datingoverthirty

I'm still not sure if your problem was with her actual phrasing or the phrase she probably meant to type. Try reading up, maybe. The Ethical Slut. Opening Up. It's ok if it's not for you, no need to complain about it though.

There are dozens of reasons I lose interest or let the conversation fade. Sometimes it's something innocuous that leaves a bad taste. Sometimes I realize I'm not invested at all and don't care how the person is doing/feeling/answers random questions. Often though, I just get busy and have no time to bother anymore.

One thing that has turned me off to OLD lately isn't even OLD. It's this sub and the constant barrage of people saying they've had enough of OLD. It'll never end. Forever alone. Ugh. Any kind of dating is what you make of it. Of course it gets to be much at times and people need breaks. Before OLD breaks were just being single and making yourself happy. Or being single and downing a bottle of wine during TGIF and sobbing a bit at Urkel. Now it's some big ordeal that we all have to whine about on the internet. I think I've just been spending too much time in this sub. It been a little bit daily for a while. I much more liked my once a week or less fill. /rant

Go commiserate with friends for a bit. Take the break. There's a whole ocean of people out there. But don't pick any of them, they're probably all dead.

u/tunasam · 12 pointsr/sex

You should both read The Ethical Slut. Every topic you could possibly imagine related to this lifestyle is covered in the book. I highly recommend reading it and writing notes in your margins and then sharing your notes with your partner, and then reading hers.

From a personal standpoint, poly-relationships are very, very possible once you get over your own insecurities.

u/thekryz · 12 pointsr/AskReddit

Try to understand her. This might be really difficult. I recommend reading "The Ethical Slut" (www.amazon.com/dp/1587613379/) and googling polyamory (I like this)

The decision she is forcing you to make sounds different than I would phrase it in her place. Probably she found out about her poly inclinations and values them. But she also values you and doesn't want to lose you. But as yourself I would ask myself: If I had just met this lady and she had told me first point that she wants to life a poly lifestyle, would I start a relationship with her?

Why am I saying this? Because what she does probably not want is someone who grant her the rights, but is totally unhappy with the situation. You should try to understand her and her new lifestyle and then decide if you can life with it or not. If you can, stay together. If you can't, tell her and see what's more important to her - you or her lifestyle.

Be openminded. I don't think that her position makes that little sense, but it's definetely not mainstream.

I would NOT assume that she has already slept with someone else - because after all she is coming out to you about this in an honest way and you should appreciate this honesty.
I think though, that she probably has someone else in mind.

For me the central question concerning this issue is about how you define love, in an exclusive way or not. Why shouldn't people be allowed to love more than one person?

just my 2 cents.

u/PeteMichaud · 11 pointsr/polyamory

I'll be the voice of dissent here and suggest that you try it. What do you have to lose? You're young and thinking of leaving the relationship anyway. If you try it--really try it--and it doesn't work out, then you'll leave the relationship. It's a wash.

Polyamory is fucking scary, but it may pay dividends. I suggest you read this book with your SO:

http://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379

Good luck!

u/soundbunny · 11 pointsr/AskTrollX

I've been poly for 10 years, and in a new LDR (4 months). He's a touring roadie, I'm an in-town roadie.

I would strongly recommend doing some reading on polyamory, open relationships, swinging, all that stuff. There's tons of great literature out there. Even if full-on multiple relationships isn't what you're looking for, you'll pick up lots and lots of tools to smooth a transition to non-monogamy, and just in general to have healthy communication.

Before you talk to him about it, and before you get with anyone else, try to have an idea of what you'd like, and what your boundaries are. Do you want just NSA booty, or FWB? What would you be comfortable for him to do with other women? What about barriers? Do you talk about your other partners, or is it a DADT situation? What if feels happen? A good rule of thumb is to picture your partner with someone else, having a great time. If this elicits strong feelings of jealousy, anger, and general badness, there's going to be a lot of things to work through.

After you've got a good idea of where you want to go, bring it up with him. Not with a specific other partner in mind, but just as a concept. Ask him to do research for himself. Even if he says "No way!", have him do the reading and make an informed decision. Make up your mind whether or not this is a deal breaker.

We're pretty strongly conditioned against the idea of non-monogamy, but the fact is that it's all around us. Open relationships are a pretty common practice, and can be part of a lot of healthy, loving, long-lasting romances.

I thought I would have to really reconsider my poly attitude when I met my current guy, because I am crazy-nuts-bananas in love. When I told him about it, he laughed that I had been scared and told me he had been in open relationships for a decade and preferred it!

Good luck on spreading the love!

https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379

https://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two-Practical-Polyamory/dp/0991399706

http://polyamorydiaries.com/im-madly-in-love-with-you-but-dont-worry-its-not-a-big-deal/

u/junebuggery · 11 pointsr/mypartneristrans

The thing about poly is that it is not a get out of jail free card for one partner to do all the gallivanting around they want to do without concern for the other person's feelings. To really work, it needs to work for both/all people involved. There needs to be communication and compassion. Ditching your partner at a bar to make out with some else is super shitty behavior, and not a normal part of healthy poly.

More than two is a great resource with tons of articles about polyamory that was super helpful to me when I first started exploring it. The Ethical Slut is a good intro book as well.

Edit: formatting

u/SapientSlut · 11 pointsr/polyamory

pick up a copy of The Ethical Slut. Read it. It's basically a 101 guide to "what is this poly thing, how do people do it, where could I fit in with it"... there are a ton of other books on the subject (I've heard "Opening Up" is good), but that's the one that I know and love, and where I've drawn most of my inspiration for my poly relationship (almost 3 years now ^_^)

It's difficult to say everything that needs to be said in a concise way to someone who is just starting out, but I do want to say that you are in a great starting place - knowing that you love your wife, and this is something that you would like to know more about... that's better than a lot of couples looking to open up (or members of a couple). She trusted you enough to open up about her feelings rather than go behind your back and cheat to fulfill these desires... all of this is a good place to be

u/happenstanz · 9 pointsr/polyamory

Sign up for Okcupid.

Here are some tips for writing your profile.

Answer the questions, particularly the ones that involve agreeing with ethical non-monogamy.

Use chrome, and install this add-on, which will tell fairly accurately if a person is polyamorous by nature or not.

Wait. Hold up. We're getting ahead of ourselves here. Have you read any books give advice on how to navigate becoming polyamorous?

If not check out The Ethical Slut and More Than Two.

When you're looking for ethically non-mono guys, be aware there are some mono men who say they are down for it but will inevitably cause drama or back out at some point down the road (either when they want to get serious or when you find another partner you connect with).

It's a good idea to ask about their experience being non-mono. Also, ask what kind of rules they might expect to put in place for their partners (hint, it's kind of a trick question).

There are plenty of caring, communicative, and loving men out there looking for poly ladies but it may take some time to figure out the process and learn exactly what type of situation you want to be a part of. Good luck.

u/RainbowUnicornFemme · 9 pointsr/sex

As a "unicorn", I feel I can add a little advise:

  • Always be forthcoming about your intentions with everyone you interact with. When you talk to your bf, leave it clear that this is something you want to explore with him by your side, and perhaps emphazise that you aren't doing this because he isn't enough. One of the couples I have gotten to know is super cute. He sees her liking FFM 3ways as someone who wants to eat a PB&J sandwich. Why restrict yourself to either PB or J when you can have both??

    I feel you have gotten a lot of advise as to how to approach your bf. I want to add more in terms of how to approach girls, as, forgive me if I'm wrong, but I'm thinking is more likely than not that he will agree to proceed. In my experience men tend to be pretty understanding and supportive of their gfs/wives being bi and wanting to bring a girl into the bedroom for both to play with. ;)

  • Once you talk to him, I'd recommend you guys play along different scenarios and come up with ground rules and boundaries. You both need to agree on those BEFORE you try and find a girl. As a third, it is clear when a couple is looking for a third because they are in a stable relationship and want to play like that, and it is also clear when that isn't the case. I have personally ran in the opposite direction when I've met couples who are the latter. It's a lot more fun to join a established couple who knows how to have their fun ;)
  • Finally, be forthcoming with the girl too. I'd highly recommend reading "The Ethical Slut" and "Sex at Dawn". It is hard to find willing girls. Once you find one, I'd recommend you find a subtle way to leave it very clear to her that you are meaning to explore/play, not to have an emotional relationship. Unless you do want to do that. But most definitely leave your boundaries clear to the girl.

    Let me know if you have any questions. Best of luck! ;)
u/izjustsayin · 9 pointsr/polyamory

I think it's great that you're willing to look into polyamory even though your first experience with it was not so great.

I don't think that this girl handled her relationships badly, necessarily. She was honest and upfront with you about everything she wanted and did. She may need some time management skills and some general communication skills, but from your story, it didn't seem like she was unfair to you. I get how being told you are not her "main" boyfriend could have been painful, but maybe she was just trying to make sure you understood that her commitment is first and foremost to him and she wanted to be clear that she wasn't going to leave him for you. Some people go into relationships with polyamorous people thinking that if they love them enough, they'll be able to convert them to monogamy (which can happen, but might not too).

>I feel like this could have worked out if only I had been less insecure and not solely dependent on her for my relationship needs. Slowly I was managing to get rid of my jealous insecurities, and I even now question their rationality. I don't know that I could be in a poly relationship with this girl, but I can feel that it has definitely changed how I will approach future relationships.


You will probably never 100% "get rid" of jealous insecurities. We all have them from time to time. The difference for poly people is that we understand that jealousy is an emotion that stems from a fear of losing something. We will self analyze and work through what it is we're scared of losing, and seek reassurance when needed. Some people in poly have jealousies around their main partner, others have no jealousies with their main partner but tons with their secondary partner, etc. It's different for everyone, but it's important to get some insight into WHY you're feeling that way and go from there.


>How did you all come to be polyamorous? Was there some definitive experience, or did you just kinda know it was what you wanted?

I didn't know the word when I became polyamorous. I just knew that I had developed feelings for other people besides my husband. It started out as a sexual relationship mostly, but developed into more. We all thought that we weren't looking for "relationships" with other people, just sex with other people. Once we decided sex with just each other (I'm in a quad of 2 married couples), strong feelings of love developed. We decided to go for it, and research led us to the poly community.

You'll probably hear from more than one person, to read "Opening Up" and "The Ethical Slut". Probably the best books out there about open relationships/polyamory.

Edit: Content

u/2in_the_bush · 8 pointsr/polyamory

Pleasure to speak with you (both). I'm a 32M and bisexual myself. I have had to navigate this same obstacle course with my life-partner and believe me, you are going about it way better than I did. The trick to opening up a LTR is to be selfless at every turn, and in doing so, your personal wants usually get met. If you are both giving towards each other, and you both genuinely want the other to have every positive life experience you can possibly have, then your hearts are in the right place. Feeling a sense of joy that your love is getting to enjoy something wonderful, even if it doesn't involve you is known as compersion. It is kind of the opposite of jealousy. It is also an emotion you can learn to have. Example: If you guys do find the right woman to bring home, and the two ladies are going at it, husband can either tell himself "this is happening because I am inadequate" or, he can say "this is happening because I want my wife to be happy, and I am so adequate that I am able to give her this happiness". Feelings of jealousy that sneak into the situation can be labeled correctly as relics of your childhood conditioning. There is nothing that can't be unlearned, or relearned.

I highly recommend you get some reading done on the subject. My personal bible has been The Ethical Slut. This book will help you guys navigate the complicated waters of polyamory and open relationships. It will validate much of what you're already doing, and alert you to pitfalls that you probably haven't even considered.

As someone who has had more than one partner for about a year and a half now, I am amazed and overjoyed that life-partners can do this for one another. I don't want to oversell this lifestyle because it's not for everyone. But if it is for you, well then, congratu-fucking-lations. You're in for a treat. Many of them in fact ;-)

u/lickmyplum · 8 pointsr/polyamory

The playing field is even if everyone is getting their needs met. Not everyone in the relationship has the same needs or history, so some agreements about time/titles/etc. might be asymmetrical, but still "fair". You should all read The Ethical Slut if you already haven't. It might help everyone navigate this road a little easier.

u/Malechus · 7 pointsr/polyamory

Talk. Talk it to death. Talk until you don't think there's anything else to talk about. You have the rest of your lives, so take time to talk. As you talk; be honest and advocate for yourselves, these are harder skills to learn than you might think.

Read The Ethical Slut and More Than Two.

Look for poly communities in your area, they're more common than you might think. The single most valuable resource I have had on my journey has been more experienced people to learn from. There are classes and workshops for just what you are thinking about doing, check them out.

Also, be prepared for some disapproval in poly communities. Hetero couples, or couples with a hetero male and bisexual female, looking for bisexual women to join them are really, really, common. And they unfortunately very often engage in unethical, or at least ethically dubious, behavior. More Than Two devotes a whole chapter to this, and I highly recommend reading it. Try to avoid those behaviors.

Best of luck!

u/ephrion · 7 pointsr/sex

Non-monogamy is a totally viable way to have a long lasting, loving, trusting, safe, healthy, etc. relationship. MoreThanTwo is a great website with a lot of articles on doing polyamory well. If that's something you want to explore, you should also try and read The Ethical Slut (this is widely recommended in the poly community), Opening Up (has a lot more practical advice than Ethical Slut), and lastly, feel free to join us on /r/polyamory.

Doing polyamory right requires a lot of communication skills and introspection ability. However, if you learn how to do all this, you'll be even more well equipped to navigate monogamy!

With all that said, people change a lot when they're young. Who I was at 17 was fairly different from who I was at 19, and the difference was even more dramatic compared to me at 21. And myself at 24 is unimaginably different from all of them! So while it is possible that you and your boyfriend could grow together, you also might grow apart. Cherish the time you have now, and allow yourselves to grow as fits best for each other.

u/existie · 7 pointsr/TwoXSex

Seconding the open/poly lifestyle; if you can adjust, it's fucking fantastic for those of us with higher sex drives. Check out The Ethical Slut for that perspective. Sexual incompatibility doesn't need to spell the end of a relationship, or settling for less sex than you need. Perhaps you just need to supplement (openly and honestly).

u/cap_cabral_ · 7 pointsr/brasil

Não. E os poli relacionamentos heterossexuais que testemunhei duraram muito pouco ou eram a descrição do relacionamento abusivo.
Esse livro Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures https://www.amazon.it/dp/1587613379/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_ZSUZAb6TT7BCQ tem uma visão da possibilidade de poliamor que tangencia relacionamentos abertos sem a necessidade de sexo. Mas também trata de sexo.

Conheço casais gays que estão juntos há anos e que frequentemente transam com outras pessoas ou trazem outras pessoas pra casa e continuam com o casal nuclear que possuem planos a longo prazo. Que sao abertos só na questao sexual. Poliamor não é um conceito que vive só no meio das pernas.

Não sei porque dessa distinção, é apenas uma observação.

Galera que venera o Osho costumam se encontrar e resignificar sexo, mas eu recomendaria distância dos cultos e netflix.

Você está em um relacionamento e quer modificar o contrato para algo mais aberto?

u/shesurrenders · 7 pointsr/BDSMcommunity

I hate to be one of those poly people who sounds like a broken record but, spend some time with The Ethical Slut. Even if you aren't poly, this isn't a monogamous relationship anymore. There's a reason it's basically the Bible.

u/litui · 7 pointsr/polyamory

I'm pretty new to poly and am the lurker mentioned in one of the other comments =D.

I'd encountered people with a poly lifestyle in the past, but had never considered it to be appealing until just recently. I spent the past few months figuring out my jealousy triggers and working through my baggage. A switch flipped in my head while reading The Ethical Slut and I'm suddenly pretty open to possibilities.

I'm pretty sure I've always repressed my feelings/flirting/desires around other people than my relationship partner before out of a sense that this was expected of me as a show of faithfulness. I never allowed myself to consider additional relationships before so there's a feeling of liberation that comes with my personal epiphany.

I'm an IT professional currently working as a support analyst at a software company. I consider myself to be pretty smart, but I really enjoy being surrounded by coworkers smarter than myself. It gives me a refreshing challenge.

My main subreddits at the moment include /r/cigars, /r/guns, /r/sysadmin, and /r/polyamory.

I occasionally look silly, stylish, taller than I am, skeptical, or out of my era.

I haven't decided what I'm looking for in new partners yet really, but I'm comfortable with that for the moment.

Good to meet you all.

edit: Admittedly, I forgot the "where" too. Alberta, Canada.

u/feeboo · 6 pointsr/sex

For anyone interested in this topic I highly recommend reading the book The Ethical Slut. The title may scare you away but the content is necessary to be able to pull off such a lifestyle. Any sort of polyamorous life requires a high level of understanding and openness. This book helps one realize that wanting polyamory is far easier than living with polyamory.

u/jaycatt7 · 6 pointsr/askgaybros

May I suggest some reading? Most of the "advice" you'll get here will try to talk you out of it.

u/dunimal · 6 pointsr/relationships

Let's get the first thing straight: there was no assault, and from your description, he was drunk, she was drunk, he made moves on her, she shot him down, and he stopped. That is not sexual assault. Classifying it as such is a way you can justify your negative feelings towards this guy, but you are doing things a disservice by approaching the issue as such.

Next, I can tell you, as a bi man in an open marriage with a bi woman, poly, open arrangements, and other alternatives to monogamy don't work unless both parties are on board. If that is the case, both need to be educated and dedicated: educated on alternatives to monogamy and how to best institute them in the relationship, and dedicated to open communication, honoring the primary partnership, and respecting their partner/s.

In my past experience, it's very difficult to go from mono to poly or open arrangements. There's usually too much past stuff to get through that ends up projected onto the new relationship, and often times, one partner wants it more than the other. For me personally, as someone wo is not poly but is also nonmonogamous, the best relationships I have had have been when the relationship began as an open arrangement.

If you want to begin looking at poly/open/w/e options start reading and researching. Get a couples counselor. Learn how to communicate in new ways. BUT, I have to say, the way that this has been broached in your life is not the best way to get there. Tell her if she is seriously wanting to be poly, you require these things. After a month of research and meeting with a couples counselor, reconvene on the issue. If it's something you both want, then move forward. If not, time to move on.

Required reading:
http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1310242671&sr=8-1
A great book to get started with, and refer back to.


http://www.amazon.com/Redefining-Our-Relationships-Guidelines-Responsible/dp/1587900157/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1310242969&sr=8-1
Great little book.


http://www.amazon.com/Pagan-Polyamory-Becoming-Tribe-Hearts/dp/0738707627/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1310242671&sr=8-5
This book is heavy on the woo woo, new age shit, but these people have a lot of good info, if you can separate it from the enya bullshit.

http://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379/ref=sr_1_8?ie=UTF8&qid=1310242671&sr=8-8
Basically, the bible of open relationships for newbs.

http://www.amazon.com/Polyamory-Roadmaps-Clueless-Anthony-Ravenscroft/dp/1890109533/ref=sr_1_16?ie=UTF8&qid=1310242671&sr=8-16
Decent

u/GutterMaiden · 6 pointsr/polyamory

I began identifying as being poly when I realized that, when I try it, monogamy simply does not work for me, and ... strangely, the relationships that do work for me, are with other people who are interested in a poly or poly like relationship dynamic. This doesn't mean when I meet people I think are cute I ask them about being poly and that effects whether or not I want to date them, it just happens to be that I meet people who are I think are cute and we start dating and then they talk to me about being poly. I guess I just have good polydar?

To me, being poly is really fucking hard, but being monogamous is even harder.

When I was in highschool, I had a huge crush on a girl, who had a crush on me. Then I met a boy, who I developed a huge crush on, who also had a crush on me, and also had a crush on the girl I had a crush on. The solution seemed so obvious to me, I couldn't understand how no one else could see it. Nothing came of this because I was a big wuss in high school.

This girl sounds like kind of a jerk, but I think you know that, You should read Opening Up and The Ethical Slut.

Some types of polyamory don't work for some people. For example, I loath being a part of a hierarchy, no matter where I am on the totem pole - but it makes sense when one couple has children together or life goals. I would never get involved in that at this point in my life. In my past relationship, I felt secure knowing my partner loved me in a completely different way than her other partner, I valued the type of love she had for me more than the type of love she had for her other partner, but I didn't need or want her to rate it.

u/antagonisticjam · 6 pointsr/relationships

Honestly, a lot of these replies seem to be simplifying a very complex issue. Don't take that too personally, it's very easy to stand on the sideline and shout what seems obvious.


Open relationships aren't easy. It takes a ton of trust, mistakes, fixing those mistakes, baby steps, boundary pushing, etc. You've never done this before; he's been doing it for what sounds like a long time. Of course you're unsure and scared! Of course you have negative reactions along with some hesitant positive ones! That's totally fucking normal, miss. If you think this guy is worth it, and he's been completely honest and up front this whole time, I think it's worth a shot. He'll have to work with you and go slow and be patient, but if he thinks you're worth that effort, he will make it.


Read "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton, and check out "Opening Up as well. I've found both of those to be really helpful in giving reassurance, advice, and teaching new ways to think about your relationship and to communicate with your partner.


I've been in open relationships and exclusive ones, and I've been in closed relationships that opened up for the better and visa versa. There's really no sure outcome of this, but if you both think the other is worth expanding your worldview and trying new (scary, but also trust me it can be incredibly rewarding) ways of being in love and being together... it can turn out really well. Good luck whatever you end up deciding!

u/Quingyar · 5 pointsr/AskReddit

According to the kinsey institute:

>Approximately 20-25% of men and 10-15% of women engage in extramarital sex at least once during their marriage. (Laumann, 1994; Wiederman, 1997)

The Ethical Slut states that Kinsey found that 50% of supposedly monogamous relationships included a outside partner, but I can't find data to back that one up.

u/suninabox · 5 pointsr/sex

>My fear is that honestly there are not many men out there like him PLUS amazing sex drive.

How many men have you dated? If you've dated dozens and he was the best of the bunch then you're probably right.

However if you've only had a small sample, say less than 5, you don't have much reason to think he's especially rare.

Here's a great Tim Minchin song about the mathematical unlikeliness of "the one".

>I know he is extremely loyal and will not chase other girls, and I know that I will chase and be chased HAVE been chased by plenty..jealousy could play a factor

The argument here is that if sex is very important to you, but not that important for your SO, then why would he be bothered if you're doing something unimportant with other people that makes you happy. Would he have a problem with you doing some other recreational activity that wasn't important to him (like tennis) with someone else? Of course the reality is a lot more complicated and messy than that but the principle is sound. You should check out The Ethical Slut

>Many good fucks end up being jerks or incompatible personality wise.

If you wouldn't settle for someone who was sexually compatible but had an incompatible personality, why settle for someone who was personally compatible but not sexually?

I'm not sure good fucks or good people are any rarer than the other.

u/ParkerWrites · 5 pointsr/stupidslutsclub

There's a pretty decent book about this very topic... The Ethical Slut.

u/CalibanDrive · 5 pointsr/askphilosophy

I can only offer a personal opinion and that is that feminist philosophers have spent a great deal of time discussing the relationship between gender, consent and power vis-à-vis sexual relationships. The main distinction they make between so-called "polygamy" and so-called "polyamory" is the power/consent dynamic in each. So I recommend you search the feminist scholarship on polygamy and polyamory as an area where fruitful discussions on this question have long been held.

If you want an accessible primer on the pro-polyamory side, I would recommend The Ethical Slut, Third Edition: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love by Janet W. Hardy

u/[deleted] · 5 pointsr/sex

The folks over at /r/polyamory are friendly and helpful, and they'll tell you that there are as many different ways of being poly as there are people practicing poly. Everyone does it different. Some are looking for one-night stands, some are looking for a multiple person marriage... the key is honest and open communication with your spouse and potential lovers.

I can personally recommend The Ethical Slut as a practical introduction and guide to polyamory.

u/xnecrontyrx · 5 pointsr/AskReddit

The way your wife is going about this is detestable. That said, is this the first time she mentioned open relationship, or is it something you have talked about before with her and now she is just making it an ultimatum?

Happy relationships exist outside the traditional monogamous norm, (please see /r/polyamory) and it is entirely possible for some people (not all) to not only have sex outside their marriage, but to love outside their marriage without damaging the primary relationship.

Again, if this is a sudden out of the blue ultimatum, your wife has not done a good job at all. I seriously recommend you discuss why she wants this (i.e. sexual dissatisfaction, lost the "spark", etc.) and then discuss rules about the relationship. Open does not have to mean "you can do whatever you want", it can mean a huge number of things, and rules can exist to ease the transition and comfort level of each partner.

Recommended reading: The Ethical Slut, Sex at Dawn


TL;DR: If you care about your marriage, discuss it openly and try to put aside your pain and consider rationally.

u/MrBunqle · 5 pointsr/AskRedditAfterDark

The Ethical Slut

https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379&ved=0ahUKEwiuley00ebXAhXCQt8KHVE_BywQ5OUBCGYwDA&usg=AOvVaw0C0biNX9E1HSS_DxjO55e4

Helped me get some perspective on a life altering path I knew I was heading down without the vocabulary to really discuss it properly. It's not the BEST book on ethical non monogamy, but it's a really good starting point...

u/KrissyNovacaine · 5 pointsr/mypartneristrans

I've been in an open relationship for about 9 years.

There's no right or wrong answer. Everyone has to figure out what works for them. We tell each other everything and almost exclusively date and play together. Others do everything separately.

Read this book: https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X

And maybe this one: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1587613379/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_dp_ss_1?pf_rd_p=1944687762&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=157344295X&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=YCQ4324KQD8W090HRZTG

But absolutely the first one.

You need to be able to talk about everything. Deepest fears, expectations, fantasies. Open, honest communication is so important to making this work. Good, clear, respectful boundaries and guidelines help as well.

u/overand · 4 pointsr/polyamory

Good luck!

To sound like a bot - I really suggest you all read the BASIC FAQ and INTRO stuff at www.morethantwo.com

And if you're into books, some options include:

u/materialdesigner · 4 pointsr/lgbt

did you talk to each other about opening your relationship at all?

It's not the answer for everyone, but if sex is of such low value to you personally, and is of high value for him, it's a potential way to structure your relationship that keeps you both happy.

If you are at all interested, I suggest you both read The Ethical Slut together.

u/mrs-darling · 4 pointsr/sex

Hey!

Ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term that includes any activities where all parties involved know about the outside relationships and agree to participate. So if I am into another man, both my husband know about the guy and the guy is aware that I am married. It includes everything from swinging (sex, no emotions, typically done as a couple) to polyamory (literally "multiple loves" and can include multiple loving relationships) and a bunch of other dynamics.

Us? We allow for the "spark." You know how you meet somebody at random and you feel a connection with them? A spark? Like for some reason, at a crowded bar or gym or library, you spark with that one random stranger? That. That is our ethical non-monogamy. When that happens, we go to our spouse and let them know we felt that with somebody else. We talk it out. We are excited for each other and encourage each other.

We personally don't seek out other relationships; no dating profile or swing clubs here. We simply enjoy our loving and healthy marriage and if we feel a connection with another, we are free to explore why that person has been brought in our path. Maybe they are meant to be a friend, or teach us a lesson. Maybe they are to be the greatest fuck of our lives. Maybe we could love them. We don't want to spend our lives wondering "what if." We have found some love, some lust, some heartache, some heartbreak, but overall, it has been an incredibly positive experience.

This requires gobs of honest communication, so you'd be a natural at that end of it.

Both my husband and I have realized, after time and practice and mistakes, that neither of us are interested in sex without loving emotions. We just aren't into unemotional sex. Can we have a couple drinks and find a beautiful chick to give my husband a two girl BJ with me in a nightclub bathroom stall? Sure. But sexual relationships with a consistent partner requires actually caring about that person as a potential member of our family. The emotions never go away. You get concerned, jealous, elated, frustrated, etc. It is all in learning how to deal with those emotions. I guess, at the end of the day, if my husband all of a sudden fell in love with another woman and didn't want anything to do with me anymore, well, I don't want a relationship with that man anyway. That is not the man I married.

Some can have sex without emotions. The questions is can you guys? To thine own self be true.

https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379

https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X/ref=pd_sim_14_1?ie=UTF8&dpID=41V-zAQaZbL&dpSrc=sims&preST=_AC_UL320_SR208%2C320_&psc=1&refRID=BNXW54MZ79NJYTRHTGWV

https://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two-Practical-Polyamory/dp/0991399706/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_3?ie=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=RZ5Q4XCC0W2J9E9CA237

u/FlirtyCrazyKinky · 4 pointsr/BDSMcommunity

I highly recommend the book "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton https://www.amazon.co.uk/Ethical-Slut-Roadmap-Relationship-Pioneers/dp/1587613379.

My copy is signed personally by the author and had been a great introduction. I may not be poly anymore, however this book helped me to navigate poly better.

The essential guide for singles and couples who want to explore polyamory in ways that are ethically and emotionally sustainable.
For anyone who has ever dreamed of love, sex, and companionship beyond the limits of traditional monogamy, this groundbreaking guide navigates the infinite possibilities that open relationships can offer. Experienced ethical sluts Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy dispel myths and cover all the skills necessary to maintain a successful and responsible polyamorous lifestyle--from self-reflection and honest communication to practicing safe sex and raising a family. Individuals and their partners will learn how to discuss and honor boundaries, resolve conflicts, and to define relationships on their own terms.
"I couldn't stop reading it, and I for one identify as an ethical slut. This is a book for anyone interested in creating more pleasure in their lives . . . a complete guide to improving any style of relating, from going steady to having an extended family of sexual friends." --Betty Dodson, PhD, author of Sex for One

u/Veteran4Peace · 3 pointsr/polyamory
u/kinsey-3 · 3 pointsr/sex

You should try posting this on /r/NonMonogamy or /r/polyamory/ they are probably the most experienced with advice for navigating these kind of arrangements. I am not into the poly lifestyle, but out of curiosity I recently ordered this well known book called "the Ethical Slut" (amazon link).

Personally I don't think I could handle this kind of arrangement, but some couples (& groups) manage to make it work for them and their situation. Don't feel like you "owe her" a poly or non-monogamy arrangement just because she hasn't other sexual partners before you. Both parties need to consent and be able to communicate through the issues for this to be able to work. I really don't think of it as reasonable for her to put this to you in a 'demand' and approaching the issue that way couldn't be healthy for a relationship.

From an outsider it just looks like she has already made up her mind and if you are wanting the relationship to remain monogamous then she may either end the relationship, or worse still, go behind your back to get what she wants.

u/Slacker5001 · 3 pointsr/BDSMcommunity

It's not really about controlling your feelings. Feelings aren't really something that are "controlled" so to speak. Rather they occur whether we want them to or not. They are a part of the human experience and not something we should really try to stop exactly.

As to how to react when you do feel them, the answer is really the overly used word "communicate". Don't hide the fact that your feeling that way. Own up to it and look for a way to feel better. Just say "I feel inadequate that you slept with someone else this weekend. Can we..."

And that leads into things you can do about it. This is where poly/open people do a huge variety of different things.

  • Put boundaries in place: "You must use protection when having sex with others." or "No having sex with others in our shared bed."

  • Don't ask don't tell: Some people agree to just not really talk about it unless necessary. Some people find that not knowing about it is better for them and their relationship.

  • Tell me everything: Some people really want to hear about it. To help them cope with it and give them a chance to talk about their feelings. It also helps some people to see their partner happy.

  • Ask for something extra: Rather than slapping a boundary on something, ask for something more to help you cope. "Hey after you come home, can you take some time to cuddle with me?" or "I really just need to spend some one on one time with you this week after your date with Sally. Can we do that?"

  • Get some reassurance: Sometimes we just need to hear "Hey, I still really like/love you too."

  • Agree to do nothing: Sometimes if we have feelings but don't voice it, it can feel like we're in a weird limbo. Sometimes it's helpful to say "Hey, I have feelings for you. But let's not do anything different than we already do." to get out of that limbo feeling.

    There are a lot of different things you can actually do with your feelings other than keep them bottled up or act in manipulative or negative ways. What works for you depends on you and the relationship you have with someone.

    As to books specifically, I've heard "The Ethical Slut" is good. I've yet to read it myself. But I hear a lot of good things about it.
u/johoso · 3 pointsr/OkCupid

Two things:

Don't be afraid to ask about it. Usually, something along the lines of "I noticed you're listed as seeing someone else, are you still looking for more people to date?" should suffice. Communication and transparency is paramount to the majority of poly people.

Secondly, if you've never been in a situation where polyamory is on the table, do some research; read this stuff:

Opening Up

The Ethical Slut

Sex at Dawn

Good luck!

u/Semiel · 3 pointsr/relationships

First off, it's totally ok to be vanilla. If you're truly not interested in rough sex, that's totally legit. You shouldn't feel guilty or pressured.

The absolute first step is to talk to her. You've got to be honest and communicative in your relationships, especially on sensitive issues like this.

As far as where to go after that, you have a couple choices here. If you're willing to entertain the idea of rougher sex, then there are resources that can help you. I've never personally read When Someone You Love is Kinky, but the authors are amazing and I've heard good things. You could pop over to /r/BDSMcommunity and get some advice over there. You could get on Fetlife and get advice there. There are lots of people out there who understand these issues really well, and they can help you work through it.

Ask her what she specifically wants you to do, and see if you can imagine doing it for her pleasure, as a service to her. If you recognize that what you see as unpleasant, she finds pleasurable, it might help you deal with it. Maybe you'll even eventually get into it. You obviously have some serious issues with violence, and maybe consensual and loving play with the appearance of violence will help you process it. But maybe not.

If you decide that you just can't give her what she needs, you've essentially got three choices:

You could see whether she's willing to give up the idea of rough sex. If it's just a passing fancy, that might not be a big problem. If it's a bigger part of her fantasy life, however, it might not work so well.

You could also break up with her. Sexuality is really important, and it's not shallow to break up with someone for sexual reasons. I get the impression you don't want to do that, however.

The final possibility is that you could discuss ways she could get her kinky needs satisfied without your involvement. An open relationship can go a long way towards fixing issues with sexual compatibility. There are a whole range of possible relationship designs that might work better for you than ordinary monogamy. On one end of the spectrum, you might find that you two take to polyamory easily, and just go all the way towards openness. On the other end, you might be able keep a lot of the normal structure with a couple tweaks. I know a lot of people who are generally monogamous, but who are allowed to engage in BDSM play under certain conditions (nothing involving genitals is a pretty normal rule, but you can choose the rules that work best for the two of you).

If you decide to go that route, come talk to us in /r/polyamory. The two best books are generally considered to be The Ethical Slut and Opening Up.

u/Fey_fox · 3 pointsr/nonmonogamy

Where to begin? In general, you can start by reading up about this. One well recomended book is Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships and The Ethical Slut. I think reading about this would help you inform yourself about non-monogamy and help remove your bias, even if this lifestyle is not for you.

About that. You had one relationship that didn't work out too well, and then made a blanket decision about everyone who's non-monogamous because of that. That's not fair, it would be like being mad at all waiters because one gave you bad service, or hating a gay person because one gay person was inappropriate and aggressive towards you, or hating a race or nationality of folks because you had a bad experience with someone of that race. Your one non-monogamous experience with your ex is not indicative of all non-monogamous people or all non-monogamous relationships. You are not in the position to judge someone else's life path, you don't have enough information to do that. Some folks may be emotionally broken and unable to control their sexual impulses but they don't have to be non-monogamous to have these issues. There are plenty of non-monogamous folk that are cool, emotionally healthy and grounded, and respectful of their primary and secondary partners, just as there are folks who have healthy monogamous relationships. Blanket judgement doesn't help you wrap your head around the problem.

All that said, based off of your little post here it seems to me you are just getting to know this new lady, and you're talking about what interests you both sexually. You like her, and you want her to be happy, but you have to consider yourself as well. You may not be the kind of person who can handle a non-monogamous relationship. You may do everything right, communicate, make sure mutual trust is established and maintained, reassure each other when you're feeling insecure or inadequate, and still not be emotionally ok with the situation. We have to honor ourselves as well as be good giving and game to our partners. If you ignore those twinges and don't at the very least talk about what is bothering you, those feelings will fester. If I were to make a guess that might be a part in why the last relationship didn't work out.

At the beginning of every relationship trust needs to be established and built on, this may mean you will need her to be monogamous with you for a time. Maybe not forever, but for you to feel secure you need to know her and build that trust (and to give yourself time to learn more and to roll this around in your head). She may not be ok with that, she might want to start open and stay open always. If that's the case you two are not compatible, and that's ok. Better you find out now than to get yourself all twisted over something that will never work out. My point is that for you though, you clearly need time to establish trust and security at the very least, and you may never be emotionally ok with having your own relationship be open. She may be ok with that. Y'all need to talk this out and be clear about what you're ok with. Be clear with yourself too. You don't have to have all the answers, but you should at least be honest with her about what bothers you about this. Maybe you can work it out, but saying nothing will most likely lead to this not working out. Communication is the key to all successful relationships.

Good Luck

u/OrionsArmpit · 3 pointsr/bestof

Umm. no. not at all.

Go read the modern poly classic "Ethical Slut" or "Opening Up" or read some of the wiki and faq's on https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory
/r/nonmonogamy

You have a very broken sexist view of non-monogamous relationships.

u/mysexypolypervyacct · 3 pointsr/polyamory

Yes! /u/throwawaypolymom, if you do want to understand more about how this really works, books really are a great resource. You don't have to be interested in implementing it yourself to understand the philosophy behind it, and they're better organized and argued than just our personal reddit anecdotes. They may be challenging (reading them made me so uncomfortable at first, because I was being challenged on deep-seated assumptions I'd been raised with), but there are some really wonderful resources out there. The Ethical Slut is a great first one. Sex at Dawn is nice for a more sociological perspective. More Than Two and Opening Up are also excellent. And Ask Me About Polyamory! is wonderfully light and great for little bite-size snapshots of what poly life is truly like.

u/wingnutty · 3 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

My book list focus both on theme and authors. Obviously I went through a pretty depressed phase (hence all the deeply brooding novels). Still, I think that these female authors gave me a sense of empowerment in my young age by the sheer genius of their work. It was refreshing to read books by women I admired as well as for themes I was interested in.

  • Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
  • The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath (*journals and Ariel are also favorites)
  • An Unquiet Mind - Kay Redfield Jamison
  • Girl, Interrupted - Susanna Kaysen
  • Prozac Nation - Elizabeth Wurtzel
  • Speak - Laurie Halse Anderson

    And the book that taught me the most about sexuality and my body?

  • The Ethical Slut - Dossie Easton

    In defense of this book, I am not poly-amorous. I really think every female should read it. Great advice on overcoming jealousy, loving your body, and enjoying your sexuality.
u/umbricat · 3 pointsr/polyamory

Have you been doing any reading? Sometimes reading some more perspectives and guides can really help you deal with your own feelings and look at why you feel the way you do.

Some of the most-recommended books I've seen are:
http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1279641267&sr=8-1

http://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two-practical-polyamory/dp/0991399706

http://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1279722189&sr=8-1

If you just want someone to tell you who is right in your situation with your partner, nobody here is going to be able to help. Different people take different lengths of time to adjust to things, and different relationships need to progress at different speeds. Don't be too hard on yourself (or her) and make sure you keep communication open. :)

u/surprisesexchange · 3 pointsr/IAmA

We tried swinging for a bit, but it wasn't much to our tastes. We're polyamorous. So, we sometimes date separately, sometimes we date the same person, sometimes we date a couple. It all depends.

Everybody is always above board and honest about the relationships we're in. No secrets. It works really well for us, but it's definitely not something that works for everybody. And you have to set your boundaries very well. A great book on the subject is The Ethical Slut, which I found to be very helpful.

u/ouchiesdublin · 3 pointsr/polyamory

Okcupid and fetlife are good places to contact people. There are quite a few people on both sites open to multiple partners, just use it as a couple rather than as an individual and be quite straightforward about what you're looking for. Remember, though, no-one likes to feel like they are just being used for sex, as a third or otherwise, so try to approach it in the same way you would ordinary dating, more or less.

Now, on to the trickier pragmatics. Poly doesn't work for everyone. You have to be ridiculously upfront, honest and open. Jealousy may rear its ugly head; that's normal. The trick is how you handle it. I would seriously recommend you get yourself some kind of poly primer and read it together before you delve any further. The Ethical Slut and Opening Up are good places to start. Good luck! And at the risk of sounding like Jerry Springer, be good to each other.

u/rooktakesqueen · 3 pointsr/polyamory

Here's the standard reading list! The Ethical Slut and Opening Up. They can be useful in many ways: giving you vocabulary to express things you might not have the words for at the moment, giving you exercises you can do to help you get past some of the jealousy and possession issues that almost always crop up, and providing advice on things to watch out for and hurdles you might have to face.

Oh, and they're just more evidence that you aren't alone, or even all that unusual. :)

u/ohhoe · 3 pointsr/relationshipadvice

If you're not the type of person that can be emotionally stable with open relationships then don't do it.

Jealousy is an issue in normal relationships, could you imagine having to deal with not speculation of others involved, but KNOWING others are involved?

I'm going to say stay away from it. You'll get over it eventually and learn from the experience.

However, jealousy can be an issue in monogamy obviously. I picked up this book and it actually helped: http://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379

It's a book about polygamous relationships, but it talks about overcoming that issue of jealousy and it helped me understand fundamentals about monogamous relationships and how to overcome being jealous in that.

I'm just making a suggestion though, but I would never be in anything other than a monogamous relationship.

u/ladyhawke82 · 3 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

I was where you are now. I split with my ex of 7 years in November 2009, and IMMEDIATELY jumped into dating a string of other guys. This stemmed from low self-esteem; I was looking for love and appreciation from external sources. I met my current boyfriend in July 2011, and initially was the same way...all "I don't want a Relationship...I'm not looking to get married, etc. etc." Fortunately, he feels the same way, and we're able to maintain our independence. We live separately, and get together on the weekends. Neither one of us want children, and there's nothing "wrong" with living independently or not wanting kids. :) We both realize that the relationship will end at some point, but as long as we're both happy, we'll stay together.

Personally, I don't think you're being a "colossal bitch." You're figuring out what you want and need after a HUGE upheaval. I think you're on the right track by being upfront with him about your wants, needs, and desires. To paraphrase Dossie Easton, "let each relationship seek its own level." Don't try to force yourself (or him) into a mold that doesn't fit.

I'd recommend that you read The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy. It's somewhat polyamory-focused, but there are many valuable anecdotes that I think you could relate to.

Feel free to PM me if you'd like. :)

u/RissaWasTaken · 3 pointsr/polyamory

You know how people say you should only try to quit smoking or lose weight if it's something you want to do for yourself, otherwise it won't take? Sure, you might be able to cut back for a while or drop a few pounds, until that super stressful day or holiday buffet comes along.

The reason "they" say that is simple: eventually, if your heart wasn't in it to begin with, you'll find a reason to go back to your old habits.

I'm all for broadening one's horizons and exploring new sides of yourself - and I firmly believe that not everyone who thinks they couldn't do it is right. However, "trying out" polyamory with so many barriers in your way from the start could be seriously harmful to your current relationship, future relationships, and your core self.

There absolutely ARE ways to "get over" almost all of that, but it is a long, arduous, often painful process. And the best way to start is with wanting to change - or at least explore the possibility of changing - those things about yourself which would prevent polyamory from being a positive influence on your life: possessive jealousy, competition, viewing love as a pie chart, potentially codependence, and any others not listed in your OP.

/u/alc6379 is correct: "Only problem with trying polyamory first is there's so much at stake..." IMO, you have to be not just curious what all the hoopla's about, you need to be honestly wanting to seek out polyamory for its own merits in your life, which means you have to think it has merit for you.

It's totally possible to go from "I could never do that" to "This is amazing, even if it isn't how I originally thought things would go", but that won't happen just because other people have made it work for them. Poly - like monogamy - isn't for everyone, and that's ok.

I would recommend picking up a few published books as primers and see how you feel after reading them: The Ethical Slut, Open, and Opening Up are some of the key introductory references most people crack open first.

Whatever you guys choose, I wish you the best of luck!

u/casualcolloquialism · 3 pointsr/nonmonogamy

My wife and I are also both bisexual high school sweethearts! A little different from your situation since we're both women, but pretty similar. We have been together for 7 years this month and have been nonmonogamous (in some form or another) for about 3.5.

My biggest advice is to never, ever forget that the third (or fourth or..) person is a PERSON. So many times, even now, my wife and I have found ourselves making decisions that affect someone else we are seeing between the two of us - and then it turns out that the other person did not want whatever we had decided.

I really highly recommend checking out More Than Two or The Ethical Slut (I like the first better but it's definitely a personal preference thing, many people in this subreddit swear by one or the other). When you're first starting out the biggest thing is that you don't know what you don't know - these books are hugely helpful resources that I wish I'd had BEFORE I made most of the mistakes in them.

Like others have said, I would definitely say date separately. If someone winds up wanting to date both of you or it happens organically, great, but don't force it. Dealing with jealousy is really hard and there's no one-size-fits-all solution - you've just got to communicate, communicate, and communicate without guilt or shaming. Also, FWIW, we started as just hookups and my wife has mostly stayed there but I wound up with feelings so I actually have a boyfriend now, too.

The not enough feelings will definitely tie themselves up in your jealousy. They are HARD stuff. IMO, you need to remember that 1. you have value and you bring something to your relationship, your husband is not with you just to humor you and 2. if your husband says he still loves you and is still attracted to you, he is telling the truth and you should trust him. Obviously everything is MUCH more complicated than that, but those are two things that have come up for me and my wife over the last few years.

Feel free to PM me or ask any other questions! I'm actually writing my Master's thesis about polyamory so even though I don't know that much myself I can probably point you toward an article or two that might help! Good luck. :-)

u/Gnarnar · 2 pointsr/polyamory

M/29 There's a chapter in The Ethical Slut about Jealousy that's helped me out so far(still fairly new to this as well). The chapter talks about learning from it as well as being ignorant about some stuff. You'll go crazy if all you think about is some dude pounding away. So just don't think about that. Learn from what you can change. Workout, keep yourself busy, hang out with other people. It's supposed to get easier with time. Ya gotta give to get. I would highly suggest picking up this book though(it's rated pretty highly on amazon as well). Both my gf and I have a copy. Still reading through it but I've dog-eared some pages and have gone back and re-read stuff.

u/davidvanbeveren · 2 pointsr/Swingers

Hey! You've already gotten some great advice but I wanted to chime in that we've been there and done that. What got us through this much easier than expected was reading a book called "The Ethical Slut". I could not recommend it enough for you: it not only will help you through this situation, it'll help reinforce you and your husbands next steps and encounters. Good luck and you'll get through this either way!

u/Tujin · 2 pointsr/polyamory

Sorry, I forget to add the extra return lines sometimes. Opening Up on Amazon


The Ethical Slut on Amazon

u/PropitiousPanda · 2 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

If you think it would hurt her if she knew, then it is probably cheating. But, I'm all about establishing rules for each relationship I'm in. I think you should talk to her and figure out the sorts of things each of you are comfortable with or not in your relationship (like dinner with opposite sex or cuddling or whatever). After you negotiate your boundaries, you will have a lot better idea what she's okay with or not. Don't ask us. We aren't part of your relationship. Even though you aren't looking for an open relationship necessarily this book might be a good read for you. It talks about making agreements and helps with communication. I think that people shouldn't have to ask others whether or not something is cheating because the people in the relationship should have discussed and established the boundaries for their relationship.

u/homofauxbe · 2 pointsr/gaymers

At least one good thing here is you felt comfortable enough to tell your wife something personal about your needs.

I think the answer to your post is in your last sentence. You don't even really know what you want to do. Take some time and think about the worst and best case scenarios one year, and then five years out. Are you still married to her? Are you still having sex with her? Are you having sex with men? Are you having sex with women? Is she having sex with men? Do you love her in the same or different way? Are you friends?

When you know what you want and can work for it, then it's easier to start feeling less guilty and anxious about your current emotionally charged situation. If you both want to stay together, then I'd recommend The Ethical Slut as a book both of you could read independently and together to discuss how your sexual desires inform your personal dedication to each other. It also might help with your fraught feelings surrounding topping and her seeing other men.

If you don't want to stay together, then, yes, it will feel pretty terrible and embarrassing for a while but you will move on, she will move on, your families will still love you and in the end it's best to part amicably than continue a relationship that at least one of you doesn't think will work anymore.

Keep being honest with yourself and her. Do things out of love for you and her. It'll all be okay someday.

u/joe-ducreux · 2 pointsr/nonmonogamy

Rules always sound like a good idea, but I've found in practice they don't work very well.

If you want to introduce some non-monogamy aspects I'd suggest stating out with a threesome; That way you are present, know exactly what happened, and can process the experience together after the fact to see how you're both feeling.

Either way, I'd say start slow, really really slow, and take baby steps once you are both comfortable.

EDIT: Also you should both check out these books:

The Ethical Slut

Sex at Dawn

Opening Up

u/trepverter_unlimited · 2 pointsr/MyLittleSupportGroup

You've got three good options, as far as I can tell:

1: Solve things with your boyfriend, get the romance back
2: Break up with your boyfriend. You have totally valid reasons for doing so. Also, you're 20 and almost done with college. No age is time to settle, but you've got way more life ahead of you... there's still partnership and romance and excitement and good sex for you. (I can remember thinking, years into a boring, dumb, slightly combative relationship that whelp, this was it, this is what people do. I am SO VERY glad I wasn't stuck there forever.)

You don't even have to try 1 first, but you can.

or:

3: Negotiate with your boyfriend and open your relationship up.

But pleeeeeeeease don't cheat!

http://www.amazon.com/The-Ethical-Slut-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1369187482&sr=8-1&keywords=The+Ethical+Slut

http://www.avclub.com/features/savage-love/

u/QuietlyLearning · 2 pointsr/TheRedPill

I would say to have him watch you in the field picking up women; odds are, however, he will say that you are picking up "easy" women.

Introduce him to No More Mr. Nice Guy; you can find free PDF copies online if need be. This book was my "jump" a few years back. The book reads as self help instead of seduction; seduction material tends to challenge world views drastically compared to NMMNG.

The closest I've taken a friend to the red pill is having them read The Ethical Slut. The guy was always clingy when he put a label on the relationship and reading the book "freed him". While TES will not teach anything major, it could be the tipping point for him since having multiple women is common for red pill men.

u/OnTheCob · 2 pointsr/BDSMcommunity

There is an amazing book on this subject that gives a lot of supportive advice and insight into this exact situation--The Ethical Slut. My husband and I have both read it as a way to come to agreeable terms on our kinky relationship and to understand polyamory better.

u/selfishstars · 2 pointsr/relationships

You want to be able to have sex with other people AND keep your relationship with your girlfriend. I don't think you realize how lucky you are to have a girlfriend who is willing to try to make this work with you, despite the fact that it isn't something she wants. The vast majority of people would respond to this with an outright "No." or end the relationship completely.

Your girlfriend is giving up a lot for you in order to make this work. She is losing the sense of security that a monogamous relationship brings; she is putting herself at risk of having her feelings hurt and having to deal with the jealousy that this is likely to cause her. She is putting a huge amount of trust in you to:

  • be mindful of her feelings
  • be completely honest with her
  • practice safe sex and not give her an STD or impregnate someone else
  • not develop feelings for someone else and leave her

    You owe it to this woman to not break her trust. You owe her complete honesty and good communication. You owe it to her to make good decisions and be mindful of her feelings. Even if you having sex with other people will likely be hard on her, there are still things that you can do to minimize this---and one of those things is reinforcing her trust in you by things like a) not lying to her or hiding things from her, and b) making every effort to not neglect her needs and feelings.

    You've already failed. You lied about where you were going, you hid it from her when she called you, and you neglected her when she was in a time of need (if you had been honest with her, you may not have been able to get there as soon as she wanted you to be there, but you could have given her the piece of mind that you were dropping everything to come and be there for her). Instead, you made her feel like you were just "too tired" to be there for her in a time of need.

    There's a good chance that you've ruined your chance to have an open relationship with this woman, or in the very least, you've made it 100% harder than it already was by breaking her trust.

    And after all of this, you have the balls to say that you're angry and resentful about this (her friend died, ffs, and that's no one's fault and not something that can be helped). Look, I totally get that you were looking forward to this and now you feel disappointed, but you need to get your priorities straight. What's more important to you, a weekend of fun... or being there for the person you're supposed to care about when they're in need? There will be plenty of opportunities to have fun in the future, but your girlfriend needs your support now. It's not the kind of thing that waits until a convenient time, and knowing that your partner is willing to be there for you when you need them... well, isn't that one of the main reasons why people get into relationships to begin with?

    Honestly, if you would have handled this situation maturely, this could have actually been a huge positive reinforcement for having an open relationship. If your girlfriend knew that you went to the festival (with the possibility of meeting other woman), but you dropped everything to come and be with her when she needed you, you would be showing her that she is your priority and that you aren't going to neglect her needs. Experiences like that can go a long way in terms of building trust and comfort in an open relationship.

    Now, it sounds like you did drop everything to go and be with her, but the fact that you lied about where you were is going to overshadow that. (And please, please, please don't tell your girlfriend, "Well, I did drop everything to come and be with you". You don't deserve a cookie for your behaviour, so don't try to justify it by giving yourself a pat on the back for something you SHOULD do regardless.

    In my opinion, I think that the two of you should end things. You're not mature enough to be in an open relationship, and it doesn't sound like it's something she wants anyway.

    However, if the two of you decide that this is something you really want to make work, you need to:

  1. Come clean to your girlfriend.
  2. Admit that you made a mistake and handled things immaturely, and sincerely apologize.
  3. Work on your communication with each other.
  4. Discuss boundaries and expectations.
  5. Educate yourselves. There are a lot of good resources about open relationships; they can help you develop realistic boundaries and expectations, better communication, and a better mindset and understanding of how to make this work.

    Recommended reading:

    The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures (book)

    Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships (book)

    morethantwo.com (website)

    (Note: some of these resources are more geared toward polyamorous relationships, but they still have a lot of good information for any kind of nonmonogamous relationship).
u/estrelle84 · 2 pointsr/Advice

I would recommend an excellent book called "The Ethical Slut". It's considered the polyamory bible, and it will help answer your questions and deal with the situation in an ethical manner. It's a very complex thing.

https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379

u/Yabbasha · 2 pointsr/AmItheAsshole

NTA

Ok, summarizing and skipping a lot of details, a romantic partner sprung up ‘poly’ at a very delicate time (again, skipping details) and I put up with it because of reasons that now, in plain daylight, make absolutely no fucking sense to me.

When his other partner got tired of his shit and went full no contact, plus therapy, meds and good friends I realized that while I am open to being in a poly relationship, a relationship requires for all parties to agree, not to be held hostage; poly is different for everyone but you don’t seem to be poly (or happy).

Would suggest to read the ethical slut not to force yourself down that path, but to get a glimpse of the communication strategies that have helped tons of others figure some of this out.

Good luck!

Edit: removed extra word

u/mamanoley · 2 pointsr/polyamory

It really is quite hard to ease people into the idea. I've learned with time that I am a polyamorist and the best way to share that lifestyle with someone I'm interested in is to tell them when I'm first getting to know them. I don't say, "Hi, I'm a polyamorist!" -- some people don't have any idea what that even means. (And sometimes coming from a strictly sexual angle can confuse the partner as well.) Polyamorism is not about sex but about personal freedom and accepting people's boundaries with understanding and compassion. With that as a basis, being open to multiple partners or allowing multiple intimate connections to form just comes naturally. Telling someone these beliefs a little while into your already assumed monogamous relationship may cause insecurity issues and could be harder for her to sincerely identify with. If she reddits you guys can scan through this sub together and she can get a lot of questions answered or you can get her one of my favorite books "The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures" http://www.amazon.com/The-Ethical-Slut-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379 . This way you're helping her to explore your beliefs and values rather than just expecting her to understand or possible shutting her out. Keep your head up and keep trying and you will know what to do!

u/NamelessBard · 2 pointsr/datingoverthirty

That's a tough one, for sure.

I'm that silly romantic who will not say no to love if it's there, even if I know things seems to be a batch match overall, I still have to go for it. I know I've said that to you before (I think). At the same time, I do believe that feelings of love and intimacy for someone can develop in tandem with them developing for someone else. I've been reading the Ethical Slut book recently which kind of gets into this idea. I've always had these ideas in my mind, but that book kind of helped formula them in a better way in my head (and my current FWB has shown me this to be possible as well--not that I'm in love, but there were strong feelings of intimacy already).

So, I'm not sure you're setting yourself up for failure unless you truly believe that you can only romantically love one person at a time.

u/hacksoncode · 2 pointsr/sex

Desire for multiple partners is not polyamory. It's an entire philosophy based on mutual respect, honesty, openness, and potentially multiple love interests (who may or may not be sexual partners). Read The Ethical Slut if you want to understand it.

u/Tangurena · 2 pointsr/AskMen

It sounds like he is polyamorous.

/r/polyamory/

Probably the best intro book is The Ethical Slut. Some libraries have a copy.

u/MasochisticUnicorn · 2 pointsr/adultery

Congrats on the super comfortable feels, I absolutely LOVE that dynamic .

I strongly recommend you both read The Ethical Slut and get a better handle on what open relationships really mean. You're already on an adultery sub, so I'll just say that she doesn't HAVE to choose boyfriend over you. She could stay with him and enjoy you too with your approval. You could do the same with other women.

I'm with you on the nonmonogamy. I don't see any sense in it, and I don't think who someone has sex with is a reflection of their feelings for me. I think it's strange that we teach our kids that we love them all "equally" (I don't use that wording, but you get my point) yet we grow up and expect everyone to love ONLY us. Bullshit.

Good luck to you both, keep us posted :)

u/zenpear · 2 pointsr/sex

I recommend checking out /r/nonmonogamy and /r/polyamory. These things are becoming more and more normal.

Admittedly, it's quite rare that two existing partners will find themselves wanting to open up a relationship at the same time. One of the best books on the topic is The Ethical Slut. It actually contains a lot of insight that anyone in a relationship should read, and can help bridge the gap between your current paradigm and the one you seek to foster. A few takeaways that I absorbed during my transition earlier this year:

— Your needs matter, too, and it is important to weight them honestly against the cultural programming that tends towards shaming non -monogamy in all its forms. At the same time, you can't approach it as a "more right" philosophy on love and sex. People will come along with you or they won't and you have to accept that, too.

— Being honest with yourself is really important. Make sure you let your second-order brain power figure into the trajectories you're planning — in other words, don't just think with your dick. Sex is great, but be honest with yourself about what makes you happy and how your actions will affect other people. Do you have a good grasp on what it is you really want? For too many people "more sex" can be just one iteration of the misguided notion of "that next thing over the hill that I've been waiting for to make me happy".

— Sex with other people doesn't inherently take something away from your partner.

— Having more than one partner that you are close to emotionally and/or sexually means that you have more people in your life to lean on in hard times, especially if the hard times involve one of your other partners.

— You have to be really honest with yourself (and your partner) about your feelings and your needs. If you can't do this, or aren't willing to learn, then you are probably going to hurt other people or yourself, or both.

— Jealousy is not a single emotion, but usually a galaxy of feelings that ted to tug on one's own insecurities. For me, looking earnestly at my jealousy made me realize that I was deeply fearful of losing my partner, and insecure about our own sex. Confronting that actually improved my relationship with my partner. Also, jealousy is something to deal with, not necessarily conquer (though many people get over it and even develop compersion — happiness at their partners' happiness when with others).

— No matter what someone does or does to you, your feelings are yours to own and nobody else's responsibility to deal with. This sounds kind of harsh, but having this mindset is a healthy thing. For example, it is not your partner's responsibility to cheer you up if she is busy with someone on a night you happen to feel kind of sad. This is a way of saying that if you are deeply emotionally dependent on your partner, then non-monogamy might be a huge mistake. This is not to say you shouldn't be open about what you are feeling, but it is a distinction of saying the next day, "I missed you last night, I was feeling kind of down, I love you" vs sending them 20 texts during her date in a sad, drunken stupor.

Happy to answer questions based on my experience.

u/bowseratediddy · 2 pointsr/IAmA

One book that might be an interesting resource for you:

The Ethical Slut was quite informative on how people in polygamous households handle life, jealousy, schedules, children and more. My boyfriend and I aren't polygamous, but we have an open relationship with respect to each others boundaries and feelings and may decide to enter into that kind of relationship in the future.

u/mathgod · 2 pointsr/AskReddit

relevant

Seriously, pick up that book and offer to loan it to anyone giving you shit about being who you are.

u/WeCameToSmash · 2 pointsr/seduction

This post really seems like it's originating from a girl that got burnt by some guy. It also seems such that this is target toward the guy that's just starting to see multiple girls. I've been there and learned from my mistakes.

I was very secretive about it at first because I was fearful about how other would react. After talking to a friend about it, they turned me onto a book called The Ethical Slut. It really changed the way I thought about "playing the field" most with how I established relationships with girls.

Now, I tell girls that I'm Polyamorous. It's really actually worked out well as a filter and helps me find girls that have a good amount of emotional intelligence. Then again I don't think everyone has been in the same type situations I've been in.

u/dontbeajerk · 2 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

My husband and I are in an open relationship, also both 27. but we just got married last month so we're still super into each other, just also into other people :) We have been reading The Ethical Slut together and I think it's a wonderful introduction to an open lifestyle - it covers all the possible permutations of an open relationship and it's a funny read.

Relationships, open or not, are completely different for everybody, but I will tell you our "rules" in case they are helpful to you. We only consent to having safe sex with others, and we immediately tell the other person if we fuck it up (like a condom comes off in the heat of the moment.) I don't get mad if this happens - I just care about keeping us both stay safe and healthy. Also, if either one of us decides to "veto" something, like a new lover or a situation that for some reason makes us uncomfortable, they have that right. As a culture, we don't really have a vocabulary for discussing these things with each other so it takes a LOT of talking to help work through why something feels wrong, or feels great, or makes us worried or makes us excited in a new way! I have found that these discussions have really turned up the heat just between my husband and I as we discover new things about each other.

Lastly, there's a concept in the polyamorous community of "new relationship energy." When you have the hots for someone you just met, it's often more juicy than your existing long term partners. Enjoy it! But don't mistake it for a greater love than the one(s) you already have. Lust is lovely, but it isn't love.

I hope that this is helpful to you and please feel free to PM me if you want.

u/conekt · 2 pointsr/bisexual

There are a few books that are considered standard reading for poly people

u/not-a-jerk · 1 pointr/polyamory

Firstly, pop down to your local library, ask around with your friends, or otherwise obtain a copy of The Ethical Slut, which is an excellent handbook to non-monogamous relationships. It goes into a lot of discussion about managing jealousy, setting boundaries and expectations, and all the other things you're going to need for a successfully non-monogamous relationship.

One of the mainstays of any poly relationship is communication. You'll want lots of it. Talk through scenarios with your partner. What happens if you meet someone at a bar? What if one of you has an existing friend you're interested in? Are you looking to just have casual experiences with other people? What happens if those things get more serious?

If you decide to go through with this, then rather than picking up randoms, I'd suggest considering using OkCupid or a similar site. You both make profiles, you both mention each other in your profiles, and you both be very clear about what you're looking for. If you happen to click with someone who's already used to non-monogamous relationships, and has a good understanding of jealousy and communication, then it will hopefully ease the conversion a little.

In any case, I really do recommend The Ethical Slut, as it will give you lots of things to talk about, and you can decide if you really do want to open up your relationship.

Good luck!

TL;DR Read The Ethical Slut.

u/pensivegargoyle · 1 pointr/gaybros

I recommend reading The Ethical Slut as a counter to that view.

u/mindspork · 1 pointr/IAmA

Jealousy can be unlearned. It just takes time. Once you realize that love isn't a starvation economy thing (This person has it, so this person doesn't) it gets easier. Helps to be able to find joy in your partner's happiness.

I recommend reading "The Ethical Slut". It did wonders for my wife and I when we were just starting down the poly path.

http://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1280508174&sr=8-1

u/agiganticpanda · 1 pointr/polyamory

Highly suggested reading:
More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory: https://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two-Practical-Polyamory/dp/0991399706/

The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1587613379/

Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/157344295X/

Eight Things I Wish I'd Known About Polyamory: Before I Tried It and Frakked It Up: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1500838160/

Game Changer: A Memoir of Disruptive Love: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01DQ20WOC/

u/kevin32 · 1 pointr/PurplePillDebate

To clarify, I'm referring to attractive women who date casually. When these women go to bars and clubs they have a code that basically goes "We're here to get laid and therefore won't judge each other's sexual behavior."

If she's the alpha female of the group, her care-free promiscuity promotes sex-positivity to the more prudish girls by demonstrating "It's okay to be slutty." See here and here. This is one of the purposes of SlutWalk and sex-positive feminism, for women to be free to say "I want to have lots of sex and not be shamed for it."

Any woman can brag about how much male attention she gets. But how many women can say, "Oh yeah? Well I fucked the frat president," or "I fucked the captain of the football team," or "I gave the President of the United States a BJ"?

The women who slut-shame the most are jealous, unattractive women who wish they could fuck the high-value men, or at least had the psychological freedom to be slutty and not be tied down by their prudishness and fear of social ostracizing.

u/HasntBeen · 1 pointr/DeadBedrooms

I've had a girlfriend for six months now. We had an open relationship for the last three years. Even back then we realized there was something missing, and we needed to explore beyond out marriage.

Even if you two never go down that path I highly recommend you and your wife read "The Ethical Slut". It might open some doors between you two that you didn't realize you had.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Ethical-Slut-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1375473731&sr=8-1&keywords=ethical+slut

u/leaholivia · 1 pointr/relationships

Please read the book "The Ethical Slut". It's really awesome and right up your ally. You can totally have a primary relationship and companion and still date other people while being on the up and up. http://www.amazon.com/The-Ethical-Slut-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379

u/VitaeCursos · 1 pointr/BDSMcommunity

First I want to repeat those encouraging open communication. Sounds like you are headed the right direction! Here are a couple of resources that may help you navigate the choices you face.

https://www.morethantwo.com

[The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures] (https://www.amazon.com/dp/1587613379/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_NI1Uzb6WWZ0P7)

u/salaciousremoval · 1 pointr/BDSMcommunity

Sounds hot :)

(I'm sorry if you've already found this information. Just trying to give you some tips I received when I started experimenting more with BDSM.) If you're researching, you might want to check out some of Dossie Eaton and Janet W. Hardy's (old pseudonym is Catherine Listz) books. The Ethical Slut focuses on Poly, but it has a lot of good info about communication that's pretty applicable to all forms of kink and any other relationships. Both the New Bottoming Book and the New Topping Book are awesome. SM101 by Jay Wiseman is a great read too. These helped me a lot with navigating communication, wants, and needs.

u/trebmald · 1 pointr/bisexualadults

Each situation is going to be different so specific advice would be difficult. What I can do is point you towards some polyamory resources.

There are three books, all with excellent advice, that you will see recommended in most poly circles, [The Ethical Slut] (http://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut.../dp/1587613379/), [Opening Up] (http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating.../dp/B0097DDYR2/), and [More Than Two] (http://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two.../dp/0991399706/). My personal favourite is More Than Two but they're all pretty good.

One of the writers of "More Than Two" has [a website] (http://www.morethantwo.com/).

The polyamory forum on Reddit (/r/polyamory ) is full of wonderful and helpful people if you want to talk, ask questions, or if you need any specific advice.

I hope this helps give you a good start.

u/Alanna · 1 pointr/MensRights

>A lot of it is making sure that both you and everyone involved is fine with it.

The problem is that this is easier said than done. It's fine to say you're okay with this, you want to sound high-minded and enlightened to your partner who's suggesting it. You may even think you will be fine with it. But actually knowing your SO if off with someone else, being able to overhear your SO getting it on with someone else, and/or your SO increasingly preferring someone else's company to yours; these can be very different than the idealistic love-utopia you discussed at the beginning.

>I'm making my first forays into it with my current SO, and (while we've only talked about it, and haven't done much yet with others) she and I seem ok.

I wish you all the best of luck. As I said, it can work, but it takes a lot of self-awareness, communication, and trust. I do recommend "Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits" and "The Ethical Slut" for both you and your partner if you are serious about this.

u/testing78378 · 1 pointr/relationships

Read The Ethical Slut as soon as possible. You also need to acknowledge who you are to the men you're dating, especially if you think you're not "wired for monogamy." There are many men who aren't either, and who will like you for this.

One way to bring this up might be by reading The Ethical Slut in front of your boyfriend. That could help spark the conversation. There's another book called Sex at Dawn that has some problems but also describes how a lot more people than we realize probably aren't wired for monogamy.

Finally, consider posting to /r/gonewild if you haven't already. That'll give you a LOT of attention, but attention of the sort that might satisfy some of your hunger without giving the obvious opportunity to cheat.

u/youneekorn · 1 pointr/AskReddit

I get to bang guys too. Know your gods better before you put your faith in them. :)

Seriously, this is what works for us. It's not just "hey, now I get to bang anything that moves." If you want some good info, The Ethical Slut makes for a great starting point.

u/i_speak_penguin · 1 pointr/Destiny

I think the key is realizing that this isn't any different than any other reason why you'd break up a relationship, though.

We have this general notion that it would be bad to break up because you couldn't handle feelings of jealousy, so therefor we must try to prevent those feelings from occurring in the first place by practicing monogamy. At the same time, most people are fine with breaking up for other "more practical" reasons, such as jobs, distance, not liking their partner's lifestyle, not getting along with family, etc.

I'm not an expert on the subject by any means, but I'd suggest that most polyamorous people view jealousy as on more equal footing with other concerns. If you have a partner that either a) doesn't modify their behavior to take your feelings into account (note: that does not mean not having other partners - it could just mean reassuring you before they go out on a date, or making sure they carve out time for you instead of spending time exclusively with another partner) or b) makes you inherently jealous for some reason, then maybe you just shouldn't be with that person (rather than try to force them to be with only you). It could just be a point of incompatibility between you, or maybe one or the other of you needs to do some personal growth.

There's more to it than just this. Polyamorous people tend to just view jealousy very very differently than monogamous people in a variety of other ways as well. If you want a more in-depth treatment, you should try reading what is probably the most popular work on polyamory and open relationships: The Ethical Slut.

u/WiseMonkeyGoodMonkey · 1 pointr/PurplePillDebate

> who refused to go up to women, he just wanted them to come up to him. He was afraid of rejection

I have a long term friend who behaves this way, but it's not because of fear. It's more narcissism in his case. That and he gets a real kick out of saying no. Never understood that.

I think I would say that to me the exhilarating part is meeting someone worth meeting and discovering you have a connection with them - no matter how long it lasts. I do understand what you're saying, however. You do not come across with a particularly shy vibe, however.

> What’s your back ground? .. Do you have a particular brand you enjoy?

Background in terms of genealogy? Scottish/Irish/Native American. And in the case I mentioned it was 18 year Laphroaig. It's like liquid candy to me. I don't think I was a scotch person before I tried it. yumm

> Were you able pick up on any coping skills for jealousy?

I can't say I was involved in the situation for any significant changes, though I don't think I'm a terribly jealous person to begin with. But then jealous people seem to always have a justification for the behavior that allows them to say that they aren't so. The eye not seeing itself and all that. They did turn me on to this book though. And it has a great section on jealousy that I think should be required relationship reading.

Considering your take on sex and love (not to mention your work), do you ever have to deal with jealousy issues? I don't imagine your work would create such issues for you, but would for any potential beaus.

u/Stealth_Cow · 1 pointr/AskRedditAfterDark

You do you. Be honest with your partners, and open with your preferences. Make choices, and surround yourself with people that reinforce the person you want to be.

Otherwise, maybe some suggested reading?

u/Tech_Bender · 1 pointr/confessions

> My wife doesnt want sex any more and i just feel trapped.

Here are some links that might help. Anger / frustration are not bad emotions. They tell you when something isn't right. The reason that you feel the way you do is because your personal needs are being neglected in regards to sex and intimacy with your wife. Our society has conditioned us to believe there is only one way to be happy in life and it's the picturesque white picket fence life style. This works for a small group of people and there are more than one way to skin a cat so to speak.

You are right to be concerned about the impact that divorce would have on your children. I'm a stepfather of 4 daughters and it has been terrible for them, but that has more to do with the fact that their biological father uses the kids as weapons to get at their mom and try to continue to control her life. If you ever do get a divorce please don't ever do that. There are other ways to get your needs met but still keep your marriage intact and still be faithful to your wife. Deception is the enemy, communication is the key.

​

Humans are one of the rare species that practice monogamy and there is a lot of supporting evidence that it's not for everyone. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bxQdLhOQf5c My experience is that metamours of my wife have only strengthened her appreciation for me and all that I do for her. New relationship energy (NRE) increased her libido and gave me free time to myself while she is gone but also more sex when we are together. Polyamory is not for everyone just like monogamy is not for everyone. What I find the most helpful is the framework that is part of it allows for communication in a way that's not usually present in typical monogamous relationships so even if you don't engage in polyamory there is a benefit from learning how to communicate with your partner better from it.

I would suggest doing some research about what your needs are and try to have a conversation about it with your wife. Avoid using statements of absolution, "you always" or "you never" are hurtful and usually incorrect statements made out of anger. Try speaking in terms of "I feel as if", "I need help to make sure my X need is met" are examples.

​

/r/DeadBedrooms/

https://www.youtube.com/user/schooloflifechannel/videos < lots of really good videos about love and relationships

https://www.daveramsey.com/blog/the-truth-about-budgeting < lack of money is rarely an income issue and most often a spending issue.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs

"Maslow's hierarchy places sex in the physiological needs category along with food and breathing; it lists sex solely from an individualistic perspective. For example, sex is placed with other physiological needs which must be satisfied before a person considers "higher" levels of motivation."

https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379

​

u/fyrespritetryst · 1 pointr/AskWomen

Reading The Ethical Slut helped SO much...it's got loads of good stuff about relationships. I finished it in three days lying on a beach in Aruba this week. Must have looked like a fucking weirdo crying in the sand but it was really fucking cleansing.

u/Punky_Grifter · 1 pointr/relationships

Go to /r/polyamory as a start.

While saying "hey, I am married, but we are in an open relationship" is direct, it doesn't often work. Quite often people get messages from people in open relationships who are really just trying to cheat on a spouse. Prepare to meet some skepticism.

If you are in a big enough city, there are polyamory groups that meet to discuss their lifestyle. Meeting people in these groups will often be your easiest way to meet people who understand and are into non-monogamy.

Also, with trying out an open relationship, do your research. There will be many questions along the way that you may not want to find out after you've broken a rule you didn't know you wanted.

For instance, how strong of feelings do you want with your other relationships? No feelings, light feelings, open to secondary relationships or keeping things strictly sex-based?

What rules do you want to keep in place? Will you never bring your date back to your house? Will your bed be a place for only you and your wife.

These are the types of questions you want to discuss with your wife before someone gets hurt.

check out the books "the ethical slut" and "Opening up"

u/Archsys · 1 pointr/polyamory

> Is it actually possible to care deeply for two different people on an emotional level?

You already do, and have said as much in this very post.

The question, now, is what to do with that.

I recommend honesty, and, if you're interested in the lifestyle and the world around it, reading something like "The Ethical Slut" (if you dig books) ir Kimchi Cuddles (If you prefer Webcomics).

I wish you the best of luck!

u/manamachine · 1 pointr/polyamory

I was you until a couple years ago. For me it was a slow rationalization that brought me over, and now I can't imagine going back. Poly just makes more sense to me.

I'd encourage you to read as much as you can. There are a lot of resources available (websites, books, even webcomics) that can help challenge and validate some of your thinking.

Some resources:

More Than Two

The Ethical Slut

Kimchi Cuddles

u/AReaver · 1 pointr/psychotherapy

As far as from the perspective of a therapist? No, I'm not sure if any exist yet and if there are any there are very few of them.

As Snushine said The Ethical Slut is generally the first book recommended to those who are starting to look into non-monogamy. It covers quite a variety of things, styles, questions, and ideas but it is not really something in depth.

Sex at Dawn is more of a scientific book that looks at the history and anthropology of non-monogamy. They feel that they fully debunk the idea that "monogamy is a natural state of man" (paraphrasing) citing and examining things from evolutionary changes to modern tribes.

Those are two I've personally read and there are others out there. I can find you a recommended poly reading list if that's what you're looking for.

u/xxtutxx · 1 pointr/ftm

If you only read one thing about open relationships it should be this. I personally think that when communication is good and both parties feel secure in the relationship, opening it can be something great. The ability to get validation and attention that comes with flirting/dating can help strengthen the relationship by making both of you guys more content and confident.

I suggest reading the book together and using it at as a base to start talking over these things. Good luck :)

u/OmniEnby · 1 pointr/sex

Sure, here is The Ethical Slut - you can get the book digitally for not much.

More Than Two is a great website and also a book.

u/sylvan · 1 pointr/relationship_advice

Response to update:

It sounds like an open relationship is a very positive response to the revelations you have both made. Clearly you're going to have to work out some trust and honesty issues. Practical matters like STDs and birth control should also be out in the open.

The book The Ethical Slut is generally considered the handbook for open/poly relationships, you should both read it.

u/BadassMotherchugger · 1 pointr/actuallesbians

Hey! The idea of a "normal" relationship as being monogamous is a construction. So first of all, you gotta try to stop telling yourself that you're not normal. I actually think you're lucky - this means that you get to create the types of relationships that you want, and you will get to have a great amount of love in your life in the future. In my experience, my time in poly relationships has fostered loads more honesty and trust than monogamous relationships that I've been in. There are many positive aspects to consensual non-monogamy.

In terms of this girl, and all other girls you meet in the future, you will have to be up front with them as soon as possible. Before the first date can be best, but I'd say that after the first or second is also okay. Long enough for the person to develop an interest in you, but not long enough that she'd be heartbroken to find out that you're poly and she's not.

If you are truly serious about going forward with dating as a polyamorous person, I'd suggest reading The Ethical Slut. Every poly person you speak with will probably suggest this book to you, so much that you'll get tired of hearing about it. But it will give you the tools you need to achieve successful relationships that are respectful and positive for all involved.

u/funnybillypro · 1 pointr/podcasts

The Manwhore Podcast: A Sex-Positive Quest for Love (NSFW) - Ep. 14 - Lee the Reality Check

iTunes - Stitcher - Soundcloud - TuneIn - RSS

Lee admits that Billy would be a great boyfriend, just not her boyfriend. She presses Billy about his polyamorous proclivities. Emotions can be toxic though. Billy's feelings towards Lee caused a great Friends With Benefits situation to end. He was a little crazy lovesick. This Aussie native doesn't apologize for breaking his heart but she does apologize for giving bad blowjobs.

Lee has vaginismus. Learn about this frustrating condition that kept her from having sex for years! Plus, we hear about Blendr. Never heard of it? Yea, that sounds about right.

If you want to date Billy, you need to watch Chasing Amy. You also need to be able to handle his various faults, which he and Lee go over in detail.

Have you read The Ethical Slut yet? Press pause. Go get it. Live a better life.

This week's episode is brought to you by Starbucks, because they let me edit the show inside while it was raining without buying anything.

Email your questions and comments to [email protected]

www.ManwhorePod.com

u/groteska · 1 pointr/TwoXChromosomes

I can relate. But from the other side, I want to open up my relationship but my partner hesitates. Well when I say hesitant I mean that he is very afraid and thus sceptic on opening up our relationship.

We have talked and talked about this and I will never go outside our relationship unless I have his consent. But that means that it will be a two way street. If I can play, than he should as well. I know his hesitation lies in his fears that I might find someone "better" (his words not mine) and be more pleased with another mans penis than his. My argument is that if we would open up our relationship he would always be my man, there might be others but he is the primary. As would I be his.

Open relationship have to be built on trust. And if your boyfriend wants to play outside your relationship but not allow you the same than he does not trust you. I think you need to talk to him about this fact and see if you are an equal to him or his conquest not to be shared ( tip, this is not a good option).

If you are interested in poly-amoury or poly-sexuality than I recommend these books to check out : Ethical slut and opening up

I wish you all the best.

u/samadhii · 1 pointr/sex

Consensual non-monogamist here. Huge fan of said relationship model. It's a lot more work than a convention monogamist relationship especially in the beginning. You have to make sure everyone is on the same page and that trust is established. Like I said it is more work, but I find the with complete open communication it is much more rewarding. TRY IT OUT.


GOOD BOOKS TO BUY: The Ethical Slut and Opening Up

u/trashfiremarshmallow · 1 pointr/Buddhism

people do open relationships differently: some like to have everyone know each other, some don't, but generally there will be agreed upon conduct (e.g. don't sleep with my friends, don't bring someone to our house, whatever, doesn't have to include these). so you might ask about that. it requires a lot of emotional investigation and honesty that a 'normal' or common-sense relationship can get by without. a good resource: https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379

Edit: and why would she lie? if she was going to lie, she would just she was unmarried.

u/homebrewnerd · 1 pointr/polyamory

I agree with everything you said, but polyamory isn't for everyone, nor is being gay. Perhaps point this gentleman to some literature which explains the poly ethos so the OP is sure he's informed about what he's getting into? If he says he's willing to wait it sounds like he doesn't understand what OP is really asking for, or doesn't believe her and thinks he can convince her otherwise (as you said). He just might not be the right person for the poly model. The usual reading, Ethical Slut and Sex at Dawn would probably suffice.

u/tuirn · 1 pointr/sex

Take a look at the books Opening Up and The Ethical Slut. They are a fairly good starting point for learning about non-monogamy. You might also want to start looking at /r/polyamoury. Good luck.

u/andytuba · 1 pointr/AskReddit

You could try working outside the box a little. (There's a lot of good relationship tips in there, too, for monogamous relationships in addition to poly -- and even platonic friendships.)

u/kodemizer · 1 pointr/polyamory

There's a lot of good advice here. One thing no-one has mentioned is resources for you and your husband to learn more about polyamory. The number one resource you should get is The Ethical Slut (http://www.amazon.com/The-Ethical-Slut-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379). You should read it and so should your husband.

I'm sure others might have additional recommendations.

u/emprameen · 1 pointr/sex

Always shower!

This is one of those hard-to-answer questions that depend on what people want and expect. In my experience typically people don't talk about having sex with other people unless someone brings it up and both parties are okay with it. I always assume my lovers, unless we agree to monogamy, are seeing other people as well.

If you want to bring it up, I think that's great, although you might not get a very sexy reaction. When people bring it up to me, I appreciate it.

Ask what people want and expect. It can be as simple as "Would you want me to tell you if I had other sexual partners?" Some people like to talk about it in detail, others just want a simple yes or no, with no details about who or when or where.

I recommend this book: The Ethical Slut For more things to think about.

u/tlann · 1 pointr/AskMen

Depends on whether they are an ethical slut or not.

u/renegadeduck · 1 pointr/sex

What you're talking about is called hotwife. It seems there's an active sub for that: /r/hotwife. Be sure to check out their sidebar for more links and information.

A couple of books that are often recommended for non-monogamous people are The Ethical Slut and Opening Up.

It sounds like your fiancée is not fully onboard. You need to make sure she's okay with this. That means really listening to her, and possibly getting her a therapist or somebody else that can support her.

It might be useful to talk to a relationship counselor who's experienced with non-monogamy. Unfortunately, it might take some work to find them. You could go to a local BDSM munch and ask around, or ask around the sub for your city. You might have luck searching for somebody who's “kink friendly.”

If she's sure she wants to try it, start slow — maybe just have her flirt with other guys where you can watch?

Good luck, and have fun!

u/onwardtraveller · 1 pointr/DeadBedrooms

Whatever you decide to do just ensure that she is your first priority when ever she needs you. And ensure you spend as much quality time with her as possible. I certainly could not advise you in this situation. Who knows tho, maybe she would be happy for you to find sex outside the marriage, if you do it right. Perhaps it would be one thing off her plate rather than another thing on it. I would recommend reading The Ethical Slut BEFORE heading down any path that could change your relationship:

http://www.amazon.com/The-Ethical-Slut-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379

u/flux365 · 1 pointr/polyamory

> Skye said that she wouldn't do that because she believes that it would hurt me and was quite upset at the prospect even though I assured her that I wouldn't mind at all.

Before you do anything you need to make sure without a doubt that she doesn't believe it will hurt you anymore. Read The Ethical Slut. Once you do, have her read it. If the idea of non-monogamy or polyamory isn't for her after you both read the book then that's that. Some people are made to be monogamous. It doesn't sound like that's her case, so I think the book will help.

Also, please report back with an update. I'm interested to hear how this turns out, considering that they sound like they're already ready to go (or at least Melita does).

u/ElaiosAdonaios · 1 pointr/relationship_advice

So, first off, my advice is to not date in the traditional sense. You can't handle it. You do not make the emotional commitments necessary. Every monogamous relationship you try to have is going to go down in flames.

That doesn't mean you have to be alone, or lie to people, or hurt anyone. I strongly suggest reading this book:

https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379

Seriously, get it. Read it. It lays out a paradigm for being decent to people without having to do things that as someone with ASPD you literally can't do. I think it is your best shot at being happy in life.

As for the boyfriend, you need to break up with him. Give him the "it's not you, it's me" speech (which is true) and move on.

u/sarcastictwit · 0 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

Check out the book The Ethical Slut.

https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379

It covers a lot of information that this monogamy centered culture ignores.

u/spurtflirt · 0 pointsr/askgaybros

There’s nothing wrong with being a slut. Pleasure is good and sex is good for you. I recommend this book about polyamory, the Ethical Slut.
https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379

u/myexsparamour · 0 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

I thought it was a great book. I hope you like it! The Ethical Slut also addresses opening a relationship when there's a libido mismatch and even when the second relationship started out as cheating.

I'm in an open relationship that's working very well at the moment. The idea that you can't open a relationship unless it's "perfect" seems silly to me.

u/mwobuddy · -1 pointsr/MensRights

Are you saying promiscuity is not slut?

https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SlutWalk

Women call themselves sluts. I guess its the new "N" word. Only the group it refers to can use it to describe themselves and each other huh.

What do YOU want to call it when someone has 10-20 sex partners in the first 3 years of their adult life? Statistically, you're at greatly increased risk of infections or diseases by having multiple partners.

I'm sorry you don't like the truth.

>The chance of oral infection increases for women as well as men who have simultaneous genital HPV infections or a history of many sex partners, but male infection rates still far surpass female rates.

HISTORY OF MANY SEX PARTNERS.

Come on.

u/miserabletown · -2 pointsr/relationships

You are 100% entitled to your feelings and you have every right to choose to end your marriage instead of pursuing this.

That said, I don't see any harm in trying to have an open mind about it and doing some research and reading. You seem to take your marriage vows very seriously, and I think you owe it to yourself, your wife, and your marriage to give this option some serious thought. You can still decide that you don't want to do it. But I think you will feel like you did everything you could if you make an informed decision, rather than have a knee-jerk reaction.

If you decide you do want to give it serious consideration (remember, considering it isn't agreeing to it, just gathering information), there are some good materials out there. You can make a post in /r/polyamory, the people there are really helpful. There is a good book called The Ethical Slut that has a few chapters specifically devoted to this issue -- one partner wants to open up, the other doesn't.

Good luck to you and your wife. I am sure whatever decision you come to will be the best one for both of you.

u/paine314 · -5 pointsr/sex

It's all about communication. And if you haven't read The Ethical Slut, do so!

u/atarikid · -6 pointsr/everymanshouldknow

I believe all people, man or woman, should strive to be: confident, knowledgeable, capable, do-ers, strong (mentally more so than physically), and sexually confident and capable. I have chosen to direct my advice at men, but I get just as many letters and comments from women who have benefited from these articles. If you don't agree these are traits we should all strive for, that's fine.

As for my usage of the word "slut", that word was chosen with purpose, for the very same reason Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy chose it for the title of their book "The Ethical Slut". We immediately think of "slut" in a negative context, but in a sex-positive world, it's not a term to be shamed of. All women (people) are sluts when they choose to be. Loving sex is not a bad thing, neither is having multiple partners. For decades men have been afforded the ability to be open about their love for sex, while women have been forced to hide the same thoughts, we've all heard saying similar to "A man sleeps with a bunch of woman, he's a legend, a woman sleeps with a bunch of men and she's a slut." So while you were trying to be facetious, from my point of view my usage of "slut" is in fact modern.