Reddit mentions of The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

The Gifts of Imperfection by Brenè Brown. Addresses shame, vulnerability, and love.

Here is her TED Talk

> I'm really sensitive, I think by nature, but also by the virtue of learning how to monitor my dad's mood so I could avoid getting my ass kicked.

Being able to "read the room" is common with people who have lived through extended abuse. It can be a blessing and a curse to say the least.

Therapy will be the most thorough way of processing the traumas you went through. It gives you the opportunity to feel the feels, acknowledge what you lived through, and find peace within yourself. I personally have done cognitive therapy and EMDR and that has helped me a TON.

I think if we don't deal with our traumas than we tend to find people we initially think are different than our abusers, but they end up possessing the same qualities of other abusers. It's hard to know what to look for when abuse is all, or a lot of, we know. It is super shitty. I will let you know that I've been able to find genuine individuals that are good human beings. They are out there, sometimes we just don't know what we are looking for.

I'd also recommend the book The Gift of Imperfection by Brené Brown. She is a shame researcher who looks into why some people are authentic, and others aren't. To get a flavor of the book watch her TED Talk, the way she talks about vulnerability is powerful.

No. No you are not. You are not pathetic. You are very seriously depressed, and that is not shameful; it is something that happens, and honestly something that happens to a lot of people. You are reaching out for help, and that isn't pathetic or bad or wrong - in fact, it's a difficult thing for a lot of people to do.

I sincerely doubt that you look the way you think you do. I think you probably are not ugly at all. But beyond that, there is no such thing as "too ugly to be alive". A person's worth is not predicated on their physical appearance.

That said, if you feel the need to get it, facial surgery is always a thing. It can take a while to save up for, but it's something to shoot for.

I know you think that the depression you're feeling will never end, but that's... well, that's the depression talking. All of the things that you're saying are very, very classic depression talk. I know it's cliché here, but are you seeing a therapist? Do you think you might be willing to try it, if not? Have you tried taking an anti-depressant - and do you think you might be willing to try it, if not; or if you have, do you think you might be willing to try a different one? I know that for some people the difference is like night and day - or so my girlfriend puts it, describing the way it is when she's off her anti-depressants vs. when she starts taking them again.

I know it's not a super-quick fix, but I can recommend some books that might be helpful:

http://www.amazon.com/The-Gifts-Imperfection-Supposed-Embrace/dp/159285849X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1342046759&sr=8-1&keywords=brene+brown+imperfection

http://www.amazon.com/Cognitive-Behavioral-Workbook-Depression-Step-/dp/1608823806/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1342046771&sr=8-1&keywords=workbook+depression

http://www.amazon.com/Unstuck-Guide-Seven-Stage-Journey-Depression/dp/0143115510/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1342046788&sr=8-1&keywords=unstuck

I'm really sorry that things are so hard for you right now. But please, talk to somebody. You can get through this.

Oh man, man, man. I've encountered so many, but it still surprises me when I run across someone who's going through exactly the same thing I went through. We always feel so alone, right? I lost my virginity at age 27. And not just my virginity, she was the first girl I slept with, cuddled, made out with, my first girlfriend, the whole deal. I wanted a girlfriend since before I was 8 years old, but I had a lot of issues that got in the way. I won't bore you with the details.

I can't offer any comfort except to say that I know exactly how you feel. I still deal with envy sometimes even now. I'll throw out the books that really put me on the right path, just in case you're looking for something to read. The Gifts of Imperfection, No More Mr. Nice Guy, and Models. Models is the best how-to guide to dating I've read. The other two were necessary to get me to a place where I could put those lessons into practice. Take care of yourself. Sex might seem like a huge deal, but you are really doing fine. Everyone figures out different things at different times.

For enough gold you can always purchase an item like this to increase [Self-Confidence]. Also i hear that items from the Alcohol Merchant give temporary boost to the [Self-Confidnce] skill for select classes

That mole on your nose can be removed in a single visit to a dermatologist. The bump could be corrected with surgery down the road when you can afford it. A square-shaped face may be complemented with specific haircuts. But honestly, your attitude is garbage and needs to be corrected first. With all this negative self-talk ("Wah, I'm ugly; Wah, I'm unlovable"), you'd likely drive people away even if you were a 10. Read The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown, schedule an appointment with a dermatologist, and decide on a proper haircut.

You are a procrastinator BECAUSE you are a perfectionist. Your perfectionism is misguided, you can use it as a justification to sit on your hands for long periods of time. When I was in college I would not do essays or programming projects because "I'm not sure how to do it right yet. I'll think about it more and figure it out before I start." A week later I had still done absolutely nothing.

Your procrastination is a mood repair strategy you deploy unconsciously and habitually in order to protect yourself from feeling bad about not doing your work.

My advice? Learn a little bit about Growth mindset, shame and self-compassion. You need to find a way to quiet your perfectionism first. By taking care of the perfectionism you give yourself room to practice and failure won't be as scary. At that point I would put money on the bet that your procrastination will virtually vanish.

Good books for reading to deal with that:

• Solving the Procrastination Puzzle by Timothy Pychyl
  
• Mindset by Carol Dweck
  
• The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown
  
• How to Meditate by Pema Chodron
  
  Don't let 'perfect' be the enemy of the 'good enough'

This is a bit tangential, but I have some awesome reading recommendations for you and any other perfectionists reading right now.

The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown (a former addict and/or alcoholic....not really sure which).

She writes about The 10 Guideposts for Wholehearted Living:

1. Cultivate Authenticity – Let go of what people think about you
   
   
2. Cultivate Self-Compassion – Let go of perfectionism
   
   
3. Cultivate a Resilient Spirit – Let go of numbing and powerlessness
   
   
4. Cultivate Gratitude and Joy – Let go of scarcity
   
   
5. Cultivate Intuition and Trusting Faith – Let go of the need for certainty
   
   
6. Cultivate Creativity – Let go of comparison
   
   
7. Cultivate Play and Rest – Let go of exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as self-worth
   
   
8. Cultivate Calm and Stillness – Let go of anxiety as a lifestyle
   
   
9. Cultivate Meaningful Work – Let go of self-doubt and “supposed to”
   
   
10. Cultivate Laughter, Song, and Dance – Let go of being cool and “always in control”
    
    Excellent sober living guide!

I don't know you or your experience, but this book has been helpful to me as a leader. She talks about how shame is something we should avoid. Instead, being clear with expectations and consequences if those expectations are not met is a better approach. I think the whole point is communication. We shame when we assume someone should know better. The other way, we explain to them how they should act and punish when that is not met.....so communication without emotion is key. This is all wayyyy easier said than done. And this is completely unsolicited. So please, know I have the best intentions and Namaste! https://www.amazon.com/Gifts-Imperfection-Think-Supposed-Embrace/dp/159285849X

The Gifts of Imperfection helped me understand a lot of my self-worth issues.

> I do yoga, workout, try to be healthy and no matter what I just feel unworthy of love.

You're trying to tackle the problem from the outside. The way I know to tackle it starts on the inside, sitting with and leaning into your negative self-perception and challenging it kindly. As I understand it, this "unloveable" thought has a lot more to do with how we view ourselves than how we are. Imagine how you'd feel if you completely accepted yourself as you are right now, everything about yourself, flaws and all, no need to change or achieve anything, all completely accepted as it is now in this moment (put aside the idea of how hard / impossible that is, just imagine you could already). Feels really good, right? That's something we can work on and get better at, for sure.

Hey dudes.

This one helped me tons with the concept of vulnerability. It's important to immerse yourself in that fear, be mindful, and then grow.

https://www.amazon.com/Gifts-Imperfection-Think-Supposed-Embrace/dp/159285849X

Hey, you have nothing to be humiliated about. She should be ashamed because she raped you. You are not at fault for what happened.

I believe you. Please please please go find a therapist and work through this trauma. You don’t have to live with this by yourself.

Reading the book “The gifts of imperfections” by Brené Brown helped me to get past the guilt and shame after my sexual assault. I had done karate for years, but when the moment came I was too drunk and asleep to be able to do anything about it. I felt so guilty for not “trying harder” to get away. Now I know I did the best I could, and my body choose to freeze because it thought it would survive the best that way.

This is an awesome question, and good for you for identifying what you need and reaching out to others. For me, it is so validating and encouraging to hear that I am not the only one struggling with my sense of self-esteem and self-worth, and I hope that you also feel less alone by reading the answers in this thread.

A year ago, my low self-esteem was debilitating.I couldn't work, I was living in state of fear that the people I loved would stop loving me, and I spent a lot of time being disgusted with myself. Today, I am slowly and deliberately learning to love myself more everyday, and I am seeing positive results in my life as a result of my efforts. For instance, my relationships are healthier, I feel anxious less frequently, I feel more competent in my work and hobbies, and I am more willing to take risks. Here are a few practical things that I have worked for me so far:

• Therapy. The first day I walked into my therapist's office, I told her I had anxiety issues. Within 15 minutes of listening to me, she was telling me to go buy a book on self esteem for our next session. Reading that book was like reading a record of my inner life; I couldn't believe how accurate it was. My therapist worked through the book with me and helped me reflect on my thought patterns. I can't afford therapy anymore, but the dozen or so sessions that I went to made a huge difference to me.
  
• Journalling. The process of writing down my thoughts forces me to turn them into logical sentences. This is important for me because a lot of the time, my internal narrative is illogical and not fully formed. Putting those thoughts down on paper helps me look at my thinking more objectively and wholistically. I also do things like make lists of things that I am good at, my positive traits, my accomplishments, etc. Making these lists gives me ammo when I feel bombarded by negative thoughts.
  
• Asking my friends for help. During a particularly low time, I asked my closest friends to write me a letter about why they liked me, ways I inspire them, etc. I read these letters regularly, which means that I remember their words when I feel low.
  
• Learning about Psychology. Learning about how my brain works, both physiologically and psychologically, has helped me look at my self-esteem more scientifically.
  
• Practice. This is the most important thing. Just like any skill, you've got to put in the time if you want to see results. This doesn't happen overnight. Whatever you do to help you love yourself and think more realistically (yoga, journalling, meditating, relaxation, reading, exercise, etc), do it regularly. Behaviours leading to unhealthy self-esteem are habits, and you've got to work to override those habits. The best way is to train your brain when you feel good so that you are stronger for when you feel low.
  
  Be patient with yourself, and take the time to find things that help you individually. Building new, awesome life-long habits takes a lot of work. The progress can feel really slow--I know it sure does for me. However, it's totally doable and lots of people have made this happen for themselves. You can do it! Here are some resources that have helped me so far:
  
  Breaking the Chain of Low Self Esteem. The book I read in therapy.
  
  The Upward Spiral. For learning about how your brain works. Highly recommend.
  
  You are a Badass. Quirky encouragement.
  
  The Gifts of Imperfection. Lots of practical advice in here.
  
  Excel at Life While this site is ugly and disorganized, the content is quality.
  
  The Power of Vulnerability TED talk by Brene Brown
  
  The Healing Power of Self Compassion A podcast about the science of self-compassion.
  
  
  Thanks for reading my giant post-- I'm really passionate about self esteem :) And as a general call-out: I don't know many other people who struggle with self esteem and self compassion, so if anybody wants message back and forth and talk about it, I'd love that :)

I really recommend The Gifts of Imperfection

This may be controversial but if you read between the lines of most of the biographies of the saints mystics you’ll see that many or most suffered from mental illness.

I’ve always thought of this as someone referring to St. Paul was talking about in 2 Cor. 12:7-10

> a thorn in the flesh was given to me, an angel of Satan, to beat me, to keep me from being too elated. Three times I begged the Lord about this, that it might leave me, but he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.” I will rather boast most gladly of my weaknesses, in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me. Therefore, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and constraints, for the sake of Christ; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

The bigger our cross the bigger our graces to be holy.

It’s good to let your sisters talents and virtues inspire you but don’t let that tempt you to imitate her... vices (I don’t mean to be judgmental)

Beyond that Id suggest reading The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown

It is a powerful read and I use its wisdom constantly in my ministry

It would be helpful if you could figure out why you're being indecisive. There are books for every reason that you could come up with.

Are you indecisive because of:

• Fear of missing out? Try mindfulness (I have no book recommendation for this, sorry!)
  
• Fear of making a mistake? Being Wrong, by Kathryn Schulz
  
• Crippled by outside/social forces? Try stoicism. The Daily Stoic (website) or Meditations by Marcus Aurelius.
  
• Finding motivation to do anything at all? Is this depression? Is this a lack of things around you and in your life that you actually like? Get help or otherwise get to know yourself deeply.
  
• Avoidant behaviors spilling across life zones for some other reason, such as possibly trauma? Get professional help-- that's a deeper problem than finding motivation. I personally found Brene Brown useful with this situation.
  
  I think the key is to just start somewhere. And the good news is, you've started here :) Best of luck!

You never know what those people in the photos are struggling with. Some may be depressed themselves. Maybe completely unhappy in their marriages or jobs but feeling unable to do anything about it. Etc etc. You just never know.

​

Have you watched or read anythin by Brene Brown? She has spent her whole CAREER studying and writing about shame. When I went through my SECOND divorce (sigh) and felt like a complete failure (and my family shaming me didn't help any), she was my lifeline. I read three of her books and watched her TED talks several times.

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame

​

These two books changed my life:

https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/1592403352/

https://smile.amazon.com/Gifts-Imperfection-Think-Supposed-Embrace/dp/159285849X/

Who you are is important. You are important.

Perfectionist? Comparing yourself to others? It's definitely worth considering a change in perspective. This is a great read for perfectionists.

It's not just that you'll be much happier if you're able to lower your expectations and play more for yourself.
You'll progress faster with a change in mindset.

Read "The gift of imperfection" by Brene Brown. Seriously. Read it. You are good enough. If there are things you like to improve: Do it. Get your ass up and do it. Love yourself (which will lead to improving yourself automatically because you care. And I don't mean masturbating. Flossing maybe, but not masturbating.), people will notice that. You will be more confident. You will be who you are. And soon enough, you will attract someone that will like you almost as much as you do.

Edit: I switched from mobile to laptop instead of going to sleep to also add this link, so you better read this: http://www.reddit.com/r/getdisciplined/comments/1q96b5/i_just_dont_care_about_myself/cdah4af

She has a great book btw. I mean... i heard from a friend... i'm not secretely the... sappy... emotional type... backing away slowly

>your attitude leaves nothing left for you to enjoy

Spot on. I was miserable for years in college, and forced myself to be miserable. If I did something dumb, I'd punish myself by breaking something I liked or throwing something I valued away. I figured I deserved punishment for doing something wrong (does my extremely religious upbringing come through?) I'm finally getting past this. I found this book was pretty helpful.


I had another remark about this sub. I think its a great idea, but its kinda small, and I really don't want it to fizzle out. Do you think it could be posted to some of the mental health subreddits? Maybe /r/Anxiety, /r/depression, etc? This might get it some attention and help people hear advice that helps others.

You're awesome! I love this sub too it makes it feel like I'm not alone. Going through all these past things in order to heal yourself can get really lonely and exhausting sometimes. :) It makes it feel like there's light at the end of the tunnel.

Here's some stuff that really helped get started in recognizing my internalized shame and made me feel more hopeful about things, maybe some of it will be helpful to you too! :

on vulnerability

on shame

[and her book]
(http://www.amazon.com/Gifts-Imperfection-Think-Supposed-Embrace/dp/159285849X/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1457589080&sr=8-2&keywords=brene+brown+imperfect) that I just started reading, give it a shot if you like her TED talks.

The Gifts of Imperfecton by Brene Brown. She is a social worker and does research on shame. In the book she focuses on the importance of letting go of your expectations in exchange for happiness. I'm constantly recommending it to friends and rereading it myself. I love that her work is based in real tangible research, it makes it feel like something more than self-help

That's exactly perfect! I like to take the "3P Approach" to solving problems:

1. Premise
   
2. Parts
   
3. Procedures
   
   What typically happens is that we feel some anxiety & get motivated to change & then jump directly into the weeds (the step-by-step checklist procedures required for implementing change in our lives) & it's a big mess. This approach is better because you identify the problem, convert it from a big, monolithic issue into a bunch of smaller component parts, and then address each one as a project that you can work on bit by bit, which is a far easier approach for dealing with large, complicated things like overhauling your entire life!
   
   So your premise is that you're ready for a change in your life, you're ready for some improvements, you're ready for better, you're ready for more. The first-pass list of "parts" are:
   
   
4. Develop bulletproof self-esteem
   
5. Find a fulfilling career
   
6. Have great relationships
   
7. Improve your financial situation
   
8. Adopt better habits
   
   Yeah, so with the cookie-cutter analogy, you now have 5 shapes to work with - they're all different, but they're all going to lead to the outcomes you desire because you're controlling the shape of each one. So now that you've got a few separate, individual items to work on, you can start working on them. It's been said that there are only 2 problems in the world:
   
   
9. You don't know what you want
   
10. You don't know how to get what you want
    
    So now that we have that first-pass laundry list of things we want, we've solved the first problem, and can now work on addressing the second problem, which is figuring out how to implement real change to get better results than we're getting now. And the way we do that is by reading books, researching online, talking to people, thinking about stuff, walking through some checklists to define what we want & make decisions about the targets we want to hit, etc. Here are some starting points, just based on my experience: (based on your first 5 identified issues to work on, as listed above)
    
    Self-esteem:
    
    

• Book: (or audiobook) "Attitude is Everything" by Jeff Keller. For me, this really put into perspective two things: One, that my attitude determined the majority of my experience in any given situation, and two, that I had full control & ownership over my attitude. This book is an easy read.
  
• Book: (or audiobook) "Mindset" by Carol Dweck. This introduces the concept that there are 2 mindsets in any given situation: fixed ("this is why I can't") & growth ("how can I?"). This was a critical clarifying concept because it gave me an approach for whatever situation I found myself in: am I having a fixed (victim) or growth (victor) mindset about this situation? This book is a bit of a heavier read.
  
• CBT: (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) This is the basic idea that you can change your life by changing how you think. To quote Wayne Gretzky, "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take". The way you think determines what actions you will take, so learning what kind of traps are out there (called "distortions") can help you overcome mental obstacles. One of my personal biggest ones was "all or nothing" thinking, basically fake perfectionism...I had to go big or go home, do it perfect according to my mental picture of success, or it wasn't worth doing, etc. This is a great starter article: https://positivepsychology.com/cognitive-distortions/
  
• Book: (or audiobook) "The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are" by Brené Brown, This book is a bit more of a grazing approach to illustrate some common traps we fall into with self-esteem issues
  
• These are all just starting points...imo, the ultimate goal of self-esteem is to give you a rock-solid foundation on which you can rely on yourself instead of requiring the validation of others. We all have a certain amount of anxiety & a need for validation, which is totally fine, but it shouldn't dictate our lives or drive our actions to the point where we're not doing, living, and feeling the way we want to.
  
  Career:
  
  
• We'll cover the money question in the financial section below, but "how much do you want to make?" is the first question I always ask. Not because it's a shallow thing, but because your entire lifestyle will be limited by your financial picture - how much free time you have, how much stress you carry, if you can afford to live in a nice neighborhood or take time off or drive a reliable car, etc.
  
• Businesses will pay you what they think you're worth. You have to define how much you want to make & then get trained so that you're a valuable asset to your company. A lot of people are unhappy with their jobs & their pay scales, but are also unwilling to get further education or change jobs, and you can't have it both ways, because jobs will pay you what they think you are worth, that's the bottom line! You can game the system by doing research, making decisions, and getting training on your own time, in order to achieve your goals, which means that you need to know how much money you want to make, what you want to do, and what job opportunities you should pursue, which gives you a nice checklist to follow to create a path to go down, rather than just feeling stuck & unhappy & not knowing where to go!
  
• The point of college & other training systems is to get you a job. You get educated to learn how to work at something specific. A lot of people go into systems like say college with no clue what they want to do with their lives & then just kind of drift into a job & stay there. Statistics say that 84% of people are unhappy in their jobs (hate their jobs, even), which says that that approach blows chunks & that being proactive about what you want in your professional life is a waaaaay better option to go with, haha!
  
• There are 14,000 job types & 7 million job openings, right now, today. There is no shortage of opportunity. What we lack is clear direction - a specific goal coupled with a realistic plan to move forward on it, supported by a personal work ethic to do what it takes to get what you want, no matter how many roadblocks, setbacks, and barriers you run into. One of my favorite TED Talks is on "Grit" by Angela Duckworth, which talks about how success is primarily a factor of being persistent & simply not giving up until you get what you want, which is pretty obvious when written out, but is far from obvious in practice!
  
• Another question to ask yourself is whether or not you want to find fulfillment at work, or outside of work, or perhaps both. Some people simply don't care what they do & are happier finding fulfillment outside of work. For me, I go a little nuts when I have a crappy job or a bad boss, so I need a really good working environment, or else I tend to get a little stressed out, haha! But everyone is different, so you have to figure out what works for you & what your personal parameters are & then do some research to match up jobs vs. payscale vs. personal fulfillment requirements. I have lots of resources on this topic when you're ready!
  
  part 1/2

While not specifically about social anxiety, "The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are" and "Daring Greatly" (Brené Brown) both have been helping me untangle a lot of my issues over the last few weeks.

If her TED talks speak to you ("The Power of Vulnerability" and "Listening to Shame"; don't be put off by the titles), give the books a try.

I don't know that I'm navigating life all that well, but some little things have helped and why not share with the class? I think I have underlying mental health issues (depression, anxiety) worsened by trauma (rape, attempted rape which morphed into PTSD, I think) and a narcissistic dad.

• Books! I read so much about this stuff. I actually find therapists really terrible, because I can tell I'm more well-versed than them. Which sounds snotty, but I think I've had bad luck and, like, what am I paying you for if I can tell you're
  Here are a few helpful ones:
  Sexual healing, literally https://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Healing-Journey-Guide-Survivors/dp/0062130730
  https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Sex-Mind-Body-Approach-Sexual/dp/1573442933/
  PTSD and trauma: https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748/
  Shitty men: https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/
  Shitty parents: https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407/r
  https://www.amazon.com/Gifts-Imperfection-Think-Supposed-Embrace/dp/159285849X/
  A Buddhist reminder that to live is to suffer: https://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Anniversary/dp/1611803438
  Brene Brown, duh: https://www.amazon.com/Power-Vulnerability-Teachings-Authenticity-Connection/dp/1604078588
  (All the eating disorder books I read have been useless, and I am probably depressed and I'm certainly anxious but the literature on that never quite fits.)
  
  
• Learning to stand up for myself has been huge, but lately it has really kicked into high gear and it has involved lots of screaming. I'm really nice and polite and if I get ignored too much when I need to not be ignored, I melt down and scream. Usually the object of my screaming deserves it 100%, but I'm hoping this is just a phase because it wears me out and I feel like I'll get put in an institution one day, even though the episode never lasts more than a couple hours. I got stalked and cornered in a parking lot once, and men who come too close and don't listen to my polite, repeated requests to back off, well, they get an earful. I've had a lifetime of feeling unheard and abused, so I don't feel a ton of shame about it. I'm trying to find other productive ways, but, man, this world sucks and sometimes screaming feels like the most rational thing. (To be clear, I do this, like, once every three months max!)
  
  
• I wrote a letter to my dad once, telling him I hated all the shitty things he did to me and I cut him out of my life. Probably the best decision of my life. I did it thinking I just needed a little break, but almost eight years later, it feels pretty permanent and like it's given me the space I need to truly heal. Cut off your toxic relationships if you can!
  
  
• Venting helps immensely, whether with my friends, my mom, my journal or a therapist. I told a therapist that the main reason I found her helpful was because she was a neutral third party who had to listen to me and she got really offended. But it's true! Most of my therapists have not been able to be much more than a sounding board. I am open-minded, but their ideas were either useless or offensive. The ideas I found in books were so much more helpful (like the writing my dad a letter thing was right out of the Toxic Parents playbook! No therapist ever suggested any of that!)
  
  
• Weed is the only thing that truly helps me come down when I'm majorly triggered or anxious (ie when I have a screamy day), but Ativan isn't bad either.
  
  
• For anxiety, I do better if I've had 7 hours of sleep, no caffeine and as little sugar as possible. I always feel best if I hike, bike, run, elliptical, lift weights and swim. Being worn out keeps the anxiety at bay and I sleep better.
  
  
• I watch a lot of TV and spend a lot of time on the internet. It's a distraction and I don't find it terribly healthy or productive, and I'd usually rather be doing something else. But I get really anxious if I'm alone with my thoughts and it helps.
  
  
• I still haven't figured out if I'm an introvert or extravert and maybe it's dumb to care about, but if I'm around chill people, I tend to do much better. I read and write a lot and am shy and introspective, and I used to prefer being alone, which I guess would make me an introvert. But I've been very PTSDy lately, and having friends and family around me is a good distraction, I feel much safer and I seem fine enough that no one ever seems to comprehend how I could end up in a psych ward out of the blue one day. The thing is hanging out with friends requires money and I don't have a job because of my PTSD, so I feel myself sliding downhill. I wish I had money just so I could cook for my friends all the time or go out to dinner and drinks regularly. I get anxious about being a fucking mooch all the time :/
  
  Okay, that's prob good, right?

I encourage you to read this book. It isn't explicitly religious but it really helped me a ton with my shame and people-pleasing. It's short, approachable, honest, and freeing.

This will get downvoted to hell but get this book and read it in like a day or three. More depending on how you read. If it hits home, then it could be a big deal, if not move on. You'll have lost a week. I think it's an important book and it sort of sounds like you are looking for more than just job advice.

This book really helped me https://www.amazon.com/Gifts-Imperfection-Think-Supposed-Embrace/dp/159285849X

> Wholehearted living is about engaging with our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion and connection to wake up in the morning and think, ‘No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough.’ It’s going to bed at night thinking, ‘Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.

A friend of mine recommended I read her book The Gifts of Imperfection. It didn't have quite as much, I don't know, substance as I would have liked, but it was inspirational and quite good.

Came here to say this. Her book "The Gifts of Imperfection" straight-up changed my life.

>I'm afraid I'll end up one myself. I want to become a better person.

A narcissist will never ever say that. A narcissist believes they are perfect and all their problem or imperfection are the faults of others. You are critical (maybe over critical) of your flaws and you take responsibility for them. You are already a better person than your mother, SOs, and friends. From your description of the people that surround you, I think you have the same problem I had. I tended to repeat the same relationship pattern I had with my mother with my friends, so I ended up making friends that treated me like my mother treated me. I blamed myself and made excuses for my (ex)friends when they abused and exploited me. When meet good people I wanted to be friends with, I would tell myself that I was not good enough to be their friends and they wouldn't want to hang out with me.

My first N-book was Children of the Self-Absorbed. It not only helped me describe my Nmom, but also helped describe the various affects it had on me. It has fun worksheets and little questionnaires. It has little messages at the end of each section, which I put on post-its and put it around my workstation. The post-its have been enormously helpful in guiding my thoughts and most importantly interactions with my parents and friends.

The Gift of Imperfection helped me recognized my shame and insecurity, and gave me tools to deal with them properly. It also has a lot of inspiring messages about living life to its potential after being emotionally battered. This book helped me open up and reach out. This book is also an easy read. I read it in a week on busy schedule.

This forum, too, has been an amazing support group - the next best thing to a good therapist. People are so incredibly supportive and understand. I feel comfortable posting my thoughts, feelings, and get responds on difficult issues. I have learned, cried, and healed and never felt judged.

https://www.amazon.com/Gifts-Imperfection-Think-Supposed-Embrace/dp/159285849X/

Sounds like you may have a case of underlying perfectionism. It took me years to figure out that perfectionism was my fundamental problem. I figured that my life wasn't anywhere near perfect, so I couldn't be a perfectionist but it's a lot more complicated than that.

This book has really helped me deal with a lot of my perfectionism and consequently my depression. A lot of self-help books out there, including this one, sound quite wishy-washy on first glance but if you actually pay attention, a lot of what is being said makes sense.

Probably going to get down-voted to oblivion.


You sound just like my little brother now, and myself a decade ago. You have little love for yourself, are extremely insecure, and blow up your ego to compensate. You want and think you stand like an adult, but you can barely crawl. Now you're trying to run away.


Where can you go? Your parents. I guarantee you your parents and love you more than you can imagine. Possibly more than you even love yourself. As difficult and humiliating as it feels, swallow your pride, listen and follow through their advice, and get ready to walk a long long way. It will take several years, but will progressively get better far sooner. If you're actually serious (I remain unconvinced).


You're telling yourself half-truths and subtle lies. Stop and shut up for a little bit. Chill out with substances to "expand your mind" and read some god-damned books.


The Evolving Self: A Psychology for the Third Millennium


The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are


I can guarantee if you don't change your attitude you'll be doing and feeling the same shit you do right now. You said your habits weren't a part of the problem. That's a lie, and you know it. Attitude is nothing but mental/thought habits. Stop feeding yourself bullshit and eat some of those greens your parents are trying to feed you.


Mutters under breath "God damned kids these days"

This is a nice monologue pieced together from the book "The Gifts of Imperfection" but IMO the book does it better. (I really think he should be crediting the author of this book because even his word choice is drawn directly from the text.)

http://www.amazon.com/The-Gifts-Imperfection-Supposed-Embrace/dp/159285849X

Hey, no problem. It's helpful to let us know what you've tried and what experiences you've had!

Have you read up on mindfulness though? The only reason I ask is because most stuff I've read always stresses that you CAN'T clear your mind. That's not your goal. The mind is meant to think...for us anxious folks even moreso...but that's what it will always do. The idea with mindfulness is to learn to not get attached to these thoughts and just let them pass by. With my anxiety, I tend to start imagining scenarios and get swept away by them...mindfulness helps me practice realizing I'm doing this and stopping when I have the first thought. I don't know, maybe try calm.com!

As for self-help, I can vibe with that too. Hard to read stuff that doesn't get you excited...but I always get into it once it helps me realize stuff about myself! I'll at least make one recommendation: The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. That shit was life changing for me so maybe check it out...for a less time consuming version she has a cool TED talk here: The Power of Vulnerability.

Good luck in the future! I hope you're doing better today :). We're all in this together!

Thank you for sharing this. Shame has been one of the worst forces in my life for a long time, really crippling my potential and causing me to keep on self-sabotaging because some part of me doesn't believe that I deserve any better. Weirdly, stopping drinking has actually resulted in LESS shame for me, but I feel like I empathize with what you're going through. I think therapy will really help. (Therapy and meds have helped me.)

You might also want to check out some books by the researcher Brené Brown - she studies shame, courage, and vulnerability. I've only read one of her books - The Gift of Imperfection - but I thought it was really good. She also has some good talks online.

As was this and everything else in her catalogue:

http://www.amazon.com/Gifts-Imperfection-Think-Supposed-Embrace/dp/159285849X

I can relate to you on a lot of levels - pushing myself to extremes and putting pressure on myself to be perfect. However, perfection doesn't really exist! Even when I set goals for myself, once I got to those goals I still wasn't happy. I was never good enough. That applied in the gym and outside of the gym - slowly creeping into every facet of my life. It was physically and mentally exhausting.

The Gifts of Imperfection is an amazing book about letting go of the notion of being "the best" and focus on creating a healthy mental state that doesn't rely on perfectionism. It helped me cope with a lot of similar issues that you've outlined in your post.

As far as the gym is concerned - if crossfit brings you joy then think about how you want to be involved with it as a lifestyle now and far into the future. Don't burn yourself out or push yourself 150% at every workout. It's okay to miss workouts if your body tells you that you need to rest or eat more food to fuel your next workout. It doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing approach. Find a balance that allows you to love yourself at all stages - not just when you are pushing yourself to the limits. Self acceptance is the most powerful tool you can have!

Holy moly, I skimmed through these responses and am on the verge of tears because they're all such thoughtful suggestions. Very solid advice here, I'm glad I read it because this is something that's also been an issue in my own life.

I don't feel like I have too much to add, but I want to piggyback on what /u/bladedada suggested about being with the hard emotions and suggest to you an amazing book, which probably sounds empty because you said you've already read some food-related books but THIS ONE isn't food related so bear with me! :)

The Gifts of Imperfection is basically a book about recognizing and accepting your emotions, particularly in relation to your self-concept. It's a relatively short read and just a great book overall when you're trying to address the root causes of things like addiction!! Best of luck to you!

Brene Brown is a social researcher who did an awesome job on this.

Her TED talk on vulnerability

Following that video, I bought her book: The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

It is mainly about a hidden sense of shame, that one might not even be aware of. We need your color, your voice to the world.

I hope that helps. I know these 2 items made a world of difference to me.

Peace!

I agree with a lot of the input here and I want to add something a little more holistic: give yourself a gift and accept yourself for all of your strengths, weaknesses, victories and failures.

Take a look at this TED talk: Brene Brown on Vulnerability and check out her book, The Gifts of Imperfection from the library, both have been really insightful to me.

Also, take it easy on yourself with the "I'm a screw up" talk. You are much more complex than that. When your dad says that he feels that he failed as a father do not make that mean that you are a failure. Because you are not and neither is he.

Sounds like you could do with a dose of self-compassion. Kristin Neff wrote a book on the subject, and there's loads of related resources, so you start by testing yourself to see how self-compassionate you are, and maybe follow the meditation and exercises or even do a course?

In any case, I don't think what people say will matter as much as how your perceive yourself, and I think self-compassion could help you get rid of that feeling :)

EDIT: Just spotted The Gift of Imperfection by Brené Brown which might interest you too?

It seems like the shame and embarrassment you feel all stem back to self-esteem. Having self-esteem is about perceiving the world through your own eyes and not imagining yourself through other people's eyes. Because all shame and embarrassment comes from perceiving yourself from an outside perspective, like "I probably looked so desperate to Joe", or "Sam laughed about me and probably thinks I'm pathetic now". Especially the embarrassment you feel when you imagine Joe saying "oh great, here's x again who won't leave me alone even after I rejected her". Notice in each of those cases, you're looking at yourself THROUGH someone else's perspective. It doesn't have to be that way, you get to choose how you perceive yourself! If you can start having respect for yourself, you'll realize that your opinion of yourself is the only one that matters.

I think the best thing for you right now would be to stop talking to Joe and Sam for a while and read a self-help book. Studies show that reading a self-help book is just as helpful, if not more helpful, than seeing a therapist. I did some research on self-help books that I thought would apply well to your situation, so I sorted through a lot of "self-esteem" themed related books.

You should try reading this: http://www.amazon.com/Gifts-Imperfection-Think-Supposed-Embrace/dp/159285849X/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1370538212&sr=1-2
It isn't specific as self-esteem, but it's about a much more general concept which self-esteem branches from. It's about how to be an authentic person, which in philosophy means to live solely through how you view yourself and without shame or embarrassment from other people. Being an authentic person will give you higher self-esteem not just in your relationships with other people, but in everything you do. This particular book gets excellent reviews. I haven't actually read it, but I've read many books like it and this one seems to be great.

If you're not up for reading an entire book, try looking at some videos on YouTube. I started watching this one and it seems to be up your ally: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IvtZBUSplr4

Another help could be to try meditation. Meditation is a good complement to gaining self esteem because meditation teaches you to control your thoughts, so you can learn to choose how you think about yourself. I'm sure there are weekly meditation clubs or groups wherever you live. You can also try meditation on your own, just set aside 15-30 minutes each day to sit down and and try to think about nothing. Focus on what your breathing feels like in your lungs. When you notice your mind wandering, focus back on what your breath feels like. But don't try too hard! A big problem with meditation is that people beat themselves up when their mind starts wandering, but it's hard to control that. So when you notice your mind wandering, just focus back on your breath and feel good that you noticed your mind wandering.

If you ever want to talk, just send me a message.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Gifts-Imperfection-Supposed-Embrace/dp/159285849X

I personally think that you should appreciate women's beauty, however I feel that catcalling would be unnecessary i didn't see any approach done "right", i actually feel that people, specially men should learn some social dynamics specially towards talking to the opposite sex, and by this i don't mean learn pick up and fuck as many girls as possible and shit like that, but because I feel that its important to be able to connect with women in a way. I feel that a lot of rapes, and sexual frustration, and probably prostitution is because men want an easy way out, and don't want to put in the work to approach women, and now you could even go online dating if you don't like it but i think that men become more aware of how to deal with this certain situation, I am working on myself to be able to approach a girl and give her a genuine compliment and to mean it because I say it and say it because I mean it, not to get attention that just because by catcalling people I 'prove im manly' they come off as needy and shit.

Although I feel that people, specially women, if you learned some pick up or rather some more sociability they see that as ungenuine and even more chumpy, but the counter argument i would say is they are not being genuine either, they use make up and they are manipulating their appearance to look more attractive and in a way is manipulating me to think better of them, I am against some of the principles of pick up but the dating science isn't wrong, but its on the right path. I personally think that, like in my case, if you know you suck with women, and you don't want to be in a path of crappiness and neediness, via using prostitution to get laid or roofing people to get laid or rather rape girls, or vast usage of porn, I would say that its good.

I personally would recommend reading Models by Mark Manson because the book is really fucking awesome and it would make you a better man, and perhaps reading the 'further reading' books from that book help you understand the mating system of humans, and to become a better man. I think the book itself is actually really good because it states more than just to get laid is to find quality women to be fullfillled and be more happier with women, and in a way is actually attacking the dating science in a way by attacking The Mystery Method which all pick up could be summed up by that single book. In a way I would recommend both and take the best from both because neither of them is 'wrong' but niether one of them is 'right'. I do agree with Manson's idea of confidence and working in yourself more than in women and being sexualy fulllfilled doesn't require large amounts of women, while I also agree with Mystery's focus on competence vs. confidence because he says that you can't quantify confidence and rather focus on number of approaches and really statistics because that shows competence and successful competence breeds confidence eventually but in a way Manson's idea is better, because he is coming from a place of abundance of women and general happiness, is like saying being 'good' with women is something you are and not do and your looks, money demographics and ect does matter in the equation, over mystery's idea which is coming from neediness, because he refers as girls having 'high value' and by that you are infering that you aren't enough for her so you have to in a way manipulate yourself into making her thinking you are 'good enough' so that it doesn't matter if you look like a fucking troll no matter what if your 'game' is 'tight' it doesn't matter what even if the girl is married or anything really, she will sleep with you and that isn't the case, because mysetery uses a lot of indirect and 'fool proof' tactics that are more convoluted than just expressing your intent and if it doesn't work out move on asap, I'd say that take the best they both are right, and both concepts are correct but im leaning more the natural no scripts type of things and just being freeforming it.
I'd recommend both people getting those two books and they will change your life or at least make you think better and be more aware of how to flirt better. And perhaps reading Double your Dating by David DeAngelo, this one focuses more on dating girls and setting up and getting exposure to women over, is focused on both competence and confidence, and in a more natural way. I'd say get them, you can torrent them if you are so cheap, but defenitely read up on them and see what comes out of it.

So defenitely get Models by mark manson and Mystery Method because you can get a really clear picture on the subject of picking up women, and Double your Dating by David D just the simple ebook don't dig too much into it.

other books, I heard of them, and read some reviews on amazon and they seem to have really good reviews but I haven't gotten them or read them but they seem legit too.

Bang by roosh V

Day bang by roosh v

The manual by W. Anton

the Natural by richard la ruina

Get inside her by Marni Kinrys

they all seem like good resources to start and move on from there... and work on specific sticking point, but i'd say don't believe everything use them as guidelines and not as rules, and take them with a pinch of salt. the reason for this was because when I read the Mystery Method, it was well argued and every contingency is planned for, that I couldn't really find fault with the method, And so I believed all the "high value" bullshit that i fucking felt that i needed to one up everybody and that isn't the case, i was able to rescue myself from that mindset by Models, and I really thought it was genuine and it doesn't rely on too much bullshit and is more natural there is no one upping bullshit. I am not preching seduction community but i feel men should know what they are doing, specially if they suck like me, and be just more aware of things.

Perhaps i'd also reccomend
Gifts of Imperfection by Breene Brown since this book really digs somewhat on the self acceptance/self worth/self esteem part and what pick up artist would call 'inner game' ...
I'd say pick whatever books you want to BUT STOP reading too much into it, i became too paranoid and wanted to read every book on pick up out there and that is not the case guys, hope i helped.

TLDR--read books, become aware, know better, don't be a creep but don't be chump either, get informed guys know your shit,