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Reddit mentions of When Anger Hurts: Quieting the Storm Within, 2nd Edition

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Reddit mentions: 6

We found 6 Reddit mentions of When Anger Hurts: Quieting the Storm Within, 2nd Edition. Here are the top ones.

When Anger Hurts: Quieting the Storm Within, 2nd Edition
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Found 6 comments on When Anger Hurts: Quieting the Storm Within, 2nd Edition:

u/zappini · 11 pointsr/LosAngeles

Good post. Spot on. About anger, this book changed my life:

When Anger Hurts: Quieting the Storm Within
http://www.amazon.com/When-Anger-Hurts-Quieting-Edition/dp/1572243449

I had struggled mightily to "control" my anger. Lotsa books, lotsa bad advice. Nothing worked.

This book explains that anger is the final step in a cascade, which starts with expectations.

1/2 of eliminating anger, for me, was changing my expectations (eg have none).

The other 1/2 of anger is habit.

I sorta accidentally discovered on my own that How You Talk Changes How You Think. Having tried everything else, I decided to pretend to be happy and calm. At first, it was sarcastic. But little by little, without me even noticing, I actually became more happy and calm. One day I actually woke up happy. Shocked the hell out of me. The transition took about 3 years. But I also worked really, really hard at it.

YMMV. Best wishes.

PS- Yes, I can still get angry. But most of the time I can step away before I blow up, short circuiting the process.

u/TotesLefty · 9 pointsr/PKA

> This pissed me off to no end on the latest PKA. Fucking Learn The Difference

This book might interest you.

u/napjerks · 5 pointsr/Anger

Without a doubt, being publicly criticized can be a huge source of anger. Anger is often called a secondary emotion.
Primary emotions, just any emotions that come up first in an interaction like criticism, shame, fear, humiliation (these may not be the emotions you were feeling but just as examples) if not checked, fuel and eventually ignite anger.

So in your situation you have to try to not worry about what you look like in public. Don't worry about impressing anyone. Allow yourself to be silly and look awkward. If someone shouts, "Oh my God she can't even throw a ball" agree with them! Have a laugh. It's no big deal. Something that helps is to realize in half an hour nobody's even going to remember the details. But they will remember that you were easy to be around and able to be a good sport.

Also remember, "What other people think of me is none of my business." It doesn't matter if you can't hit a balloon with a dart to win a teddy bear at the carnival games. What does matter is that you allow yourself to have fun. That $5 is going into the void. "I didn't even hit the backboard, can you believe it? Ermahgerd!"

Most people usually aren't great at new skills the very first time. If it appears they are, it's because they've done something similar before and that skill carries over to what they are doing now.

So if you haven't done any of those kinds of things, it's all new. There's an often misused quote about learning new things, called the 10,000 hour rule. You have to do something for 10,000 hours to be any good at it some people say. But that's incorrect usage. 10k hours is a PhD. So you would be a complete master at whatever it is after 10k hours. It would be the equivalent of earning a doctorate and be able to stand in front of a room full of experts and talk at their level.

The truth is most people learn a new skill in about 20 hours. 20 hours is an hour a day on weekdays for a month. Or half an hour for a month and a half. Or three or four Saturdays. You can look at it so many different ways. You can take a 3 x 5 card and write Juggling or Ukulele on the top and just start writing down the 5, 10 or 15 minutes you spent practicing until it adds up to 20 hours and see how good you get.

But we all learn at different speeds and have different natural abilities. So some people will be amazing after 20 hours and some will say, "You know what, skate boarding is not for me. Since you love it I will go to the park with you but I will just sit and watch."

> when I am trying something that prevents me from leaving then I cry. And talking to the people there with me about how I am frustrated makes me keep crying.


Frustration is a subcategory of anger. A direct precursor. From now on when your emotions are at a 9 or 10 and should be at a 3 or 4 and you hear yourself using the word "frustrated" take note and switch to the word "angry". That might clarify some things for you. Personally I denied that I was angry for a long time. "Frustrated" was my buzzword and I refused to say I was angry until several different people corrected me over time. Then I finally started noticing what my triggers really were. What I thought was "frustrated" was really full on anger and I had been ignoring everything that led up to it. But those early thoughts and feelings before anger are the key to finding your real triggers and learning effective, proactive techniques for dealing with them.

Would you say you might have a little bit of social phobia? Or maybe fear of being trapped? There's a book called Thriving with Social Anxiety. I really love this book because it's extremely well organized and gets straight to the point. It gives different major approaches for trying to unpack what it is that's bothering us and how to address it. It's not specifically an anger management book like The Dance of Anger or When Anger Hurts. But it teaches a lot of the same skills such as assertiveness and practicing different approaches for uncomfortable situations.

But at the end of the day, some things are ok to enjoy watching more than doing. We can be the cheerleader for the people we love. We can choose how we want to participate and that can give us more control over how we feel. You can say, "I'm just along for the ride and the view" when you have to. And challenge yourself when you're feeling strong.

So give yourself time to learn new skills. Let yourself be pleasantly surprised when you find something you're actually pretty good at and try to laugh when you're really bad at something. The most important thing is it's ok to make mistakes. It's not how many times you drop the ball. It's how many times you pick it back up and try again. Hope this helps!

Edits: Sorry for writing a book! I edited this several times to add links and fix bad grammar.

u/honeybeedreams · 4 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

this is a very helpful book. https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1572243449/ref=pd_aw_fbt_14_img_2?ie=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=K32WVMK4BJS1FD2R2ATP

also, i just want to mention that getting easily frustrated and angry is a sign of poor executive functioning skills and/or poor self regulation skills. which are frequently related to ADHD/ADD. there is a lot of neurodiversity in my family, and i can personally attest that improving these skills (takes time and practice) can greatly improve anger management.

the red flag, for me, would be the level of his willingness to seek out and receive help. of all the married men i have know who have struggled with these kinds of issues, there is only one who voluntarily sought help and actually changed significantly in the early years of being married. but there is help out there, if he can figure out what the appropriate help is for him.

u/eyoxa · 2 pointsr/slatestarcodex

Thanks for your suggestions. Buddhist practices do seem like a good pursuit for me since I find them most relatable/compatible with my world view. I ordered some books to help me in the meantime.

-a Buddhist inspired book - Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living
-a workbook The Anger Control Workbook
-and this one When Anger Hurts

u/invah · 1 pointr/AbuseInterrupted

He says here:

>About anger, this book changed my life: When Anger Hurts: Quieting the Storm Within http://www.amazon.com/When-Anger-Hurts-Quieting-Edition/dp/1572243449

>I had struggled mightily to "control" my anger. Lotsa books, lotsa bad advice. Nothing worked.

>This book explains that anger is the final step in a cascade, which starts with expectations.

>1/2 of eliminating anger, for me, was changing my expectations (eg have none). The other 1/2 of anger is habit.

>I sorta accidentally discovered on my own that How You Talk Changes How You Think. Having tried everything else, I decided to pretend to be happy and calm. At first, it was sarcastic. But little by little, without me even noticing, I actually became more happy and calm. One day I actually woke up happy. Shocked the hell out of me. The transition took about 3 years. But I also worked really, really hard at it.

>YMMV. Best wishes.

>PS- Yes, I can still get angry. But most of the time I can step away before I blow up, short circuiting the process.