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Edit: yaaaaa, so serves me right for trying to use Swype :) I'm totally leaving it in hopes it triggers additional smiles, like the one I got after hitting the "submit" button and noticing the glaring typo :)

I just wanted to poop in and hopefully help you and /u/my2kidsmom reframe this feeling slightly...

I'm not going to pretend I'm am expert, or even past my trauma - but I noticed the way you guys are talking is so similar to what I used to do! Then one day, after we finally went NC with my "mom", my husband noticed me sitting at the end of "her bed". I was bawling my eyes out, not even sure if I was upset I'd lost my mother, or if I was mad at myself for letting her abuse me for 36 years of my life.

My absolutely amazing husband say beside my snot-bubble dripping nosed self, handed me a box of Kleenex, started rubbing my back while I cleaned myself up, and just told me "You're the most durable woman I've ever met, and this will only make you more durable." Then he held me for what felt like forever (but was absolutely perfect), and then we went and ate Whataburger for dinner.

Not only does that durability sustain me in my personal life, but I've also been able to leverage it into an incredibly lucrative career, where I get to make money helping people. I often forget, especially on days like this, how incredibly lucky I am to be able to say that.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that we have all lost a lot of our happy times and our childhoods. We've lost our ability to imagine a better future (or even just play make believe). But not only did we make it out of this abhorrent cycle of abuse we've all suffered, but we did it with dignity. We came out the other side battered and bruised, either emotionally or physically (or if you're lucky like me, both), and we fucking nailed it! We are durable, we are successful, and we are finally free of the insanity that used to be our mothers (or fathers).

Life pro tip, if you ever find yourself bawling your eyes out like I was - or even if one of those thoughts just randomly gets stuck in your head - pull out a nice pad of blank paper, and some epic pencil crayons - then write out the words "I'M FUCKING DURABLE!" on the first page, followed by "MY LIFE IS AMAZING BECAUSE I'M AMAZING!!!". Then turn them into bubble letters, and completely fill them in with any colours, patterns, or images that you're mother loathed the most on this planet.

I used to LOVE the colour teal. If placed beside a dark purple, I could easily see myself in love with a rat painted those colours. Mom hated teal. She actually spit on me when I put on the amazing Charlotte Hornets jacket. My father bought it for me on one of his work trips, because Charlotte's main colour was teal and he actually knows something about his daughter. Mom was furious, not only because he got me a jacket and "only" bought her a new necklace - but because his gift was thoughtful. You could literally see the jealousy boiling up in her eyeballs - jealous of her own 14yr old daughter, over her husband and that daughter's father. I was terrified to put on the jacket (or even take it out of the fucking bag!!), cause I could see the hatred oozing from her fucking eyeballs. I knew what was going to happen, but every time she looked at Dad or he looked at her, she'd be smiling - so Dad had no idea and was just excited for me to try on the amazingly thoughtful gift that he got his daughter! I couldn't disappoint him, and honestly I was hoping that since he was there then she couldn't do anything overt (this was two years after the first time he threatened to leave my mother unless she went to therapy to learn how to stop hating me - very long story about how he found out she was BPD theogony to her attempting to use therapy to prove I was a bitch and that I deserved her hatred...). So I put it on, Dad is absolutely beaming he's so proud of his little girl, and I don't even think there's a word in English that could describe the hatred seething from my mother... It had the potential to be a great family bonding moment - Dad just got back from a two week long business trip, had just gifted both daughters and his wife awesomely thoughtful presents - but of course these things meant that Mom wasn't the center of attention... So that's problematic. Mom started pretending to cough, like she had something stuck in her throat. Dad, being the oblivious oaf, turned his head and started walking to the kitchen to get her a cup of water. Then she opened my coat like she was interested in checking out the available pockets or something, but then all of that cough was expelled directly into the armpit of my brand new gift. Then the bitch closed the coat as Dad returned with her water, and did that "pat pat it's all good" thing, right on the armpit part she spit into.

So now the colour teal, in any relation to my "mother", is a sign of war as far as I'm concerned. I begged for clothes and accessories in that colour for years throughout my childhood, denied at every turn. I finally get something that colour and she immediately tries to ruin the moment with her nasty smoker's hork. Later, when I was able to get my own income at 16 by working for Nortel through a high school intern program, I bought a "bed in a bag" set that was dark purple and teal, I was so fucking excited!!!! Bitch insisted it needed to be washed before using it, cause "it might have been used by someone with lice or bedbugs before I got it home - and the cunt poured an entire bottle of bleach into the wash with it!!!! Literally tells Dad "oops", and that's ok? That wasn't a fucking oops. That bitch NEVER uses bleach, even for things that SHOULD be bleached!!!!!

So ya, I've taken back my teal and the dark purple, through my new awesomeness plan - I've entitled the entire project "I'm awesomely durable!"

I hope you guys have an awesome week!!