Reddit mentions of Heterosexuality

Hey, there. We've been round and round on DB and LL issues here on SO30. and we've learned that there are no magic solutions, only things that have worked for some couples under certain circumstances. u/RationalHippy mentioned my own saga: Escaping a Dead Bedroom. You will recognize some similarities, but also a lot of differences. What worked for us might work for you... or not. There's really no way to tell except to try.

If your wife wants to improve the situation, the answer is not for her to have duty sex more often. That will actually make things worse. Instead, the answer lies in figuring out how she can get back to the point where she is enjoying sex and actually wants to have it. And to do that, the two of you have to figure out what drove her away from enjoying sex in the first place.

In my case it was a combination of an external thing, high stress, and a very common mistake that many couples make, letting sex get too short in response to heavy time pressures. That combination will kill most women's libidos, particularly if they start out as I did, with both LL and RD arousal patterns. Solving it meant dropping PiV sex from our agenda for months, learning and practicing serious stress management techniques, and indulging in a structured sensory re-education process. And when we got back to a situation where sex was enjoyable for me, we made a commitment not to backslide into our old patterns.

The best clinical treatment for loss of libido is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, especially the version called MBCT (Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). The best home therapy is called Sensate Focus Therapy, which is essentially what we did with full-body massage. It also combines well with the best program for learning to become more orgasmic.

If your wife is serious about being interested in solving this problem, I strongly recommend one or both. Most CT programs take only 8 weeks, plus a commitment to keep doing what you learned. SFT can take anywhere from six weeks to six months, depending on how often you make the time to do it and how fast she responds.


More good stuff for you:

• Group mindfulness-based therapy significantly improves sexual desire in women.
  
  
• A Pilot Study of Eight-Session Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy Adapted for Women’s Sexual Interest/Arousal Disorder
  
  
• Heterosexuality, by Masters, Johnson, & Kolodny; see Chapters Four and Seven for help with low libido, and pp. 148-160 specifically for SFT.
  
  
• Becoming More Orgasmic – you don't say whether your wife usually (or ever) has orgasms when you have sex, or whether she ever did. (She could also have faked orgasms all along, which is not uncommon.) If orgasms have been rare or weak, helping her become more orgasmic is a major step in the right direction.
  
  
• Therapy instructions for "Not getting aroused and body not as responsive to sexual touch"
  
  
• Another article on reversing libido loss - with many more links to additional resources at the end.
  
  
  Good luck!
  
  Edit: fixed bad links
  

My husband had severe PE when we first got together. We got a massage table and did Sensate Focus Therapy using the Masters & Johnson "frenulum squeeze technique" (FST). Basically, this kept him from cumming and let me edge him for long periods, so he got more in the habit of sustaining an erection in spite of having a lot of oral/manual stimulation from me. We've been together for 13 years, and since that first sixmonths he's been able to last pretty much as long as he wants to.

SFT is the most effective couple's therapy for PE and for a number of other things, including a woman's inability to have orgasms with a partner (anorgasmia). In this case, we had both problems and did SFT at least once a week for 5 months. It takes time, but it's fun and it worked really well.

SFT really helps strengthen your personal and emotional connection to each other while also reducing his oversensitivity to nudity and erotic touch.

FST was developed by Masters & Johnson specifically for treating PE. It takes patience, but it does work. (Warning: there are bad instructions for FST in many places on the web, and they don't work. See the article below on "The Best Ways to Control PE", or get the book Heterosexuality. Both have the correct instructions.)

Hubs also started meditating daily and we both learned Progressive Muscle Relaxation, which he found very useful when he felt himself physically tensing up at the start or in the middle of sex.

Let me give you some links to things that will help you explore those two things and some other options:

• The Best Ways to Control Premature Ejaculation -- this describes everything from delay condoms and sprays to medications to DIY therapy techniques.
  
  
• Heterosexuality, by Masters, Johnson, & Kolodny: SFT instructions on pages 24-40; frenulum squeeze technique instructions (for PE) on pages 101-128. (This is a big and very useful reference book; you can usually get a used copy on Amazon for under $10, shipped.)
  
  
• Sensate Focus -- instructions for doing SFT at home
  
  
• Report on doing Sensate Focus Therapy -- a Redditor describes what it was like to do SFT at home
  
  
• Progressive Muscle Relaxation -- guided audio instructions
  
  
• A Beginner's Guide to Good, Great, and Amazing Sex -- a collection of articles including some excellent references for erotic massage and various kinds if troubleshooting.
  
  If it works out with this guy and you're interested in going beyond SFT and exploring other kinds of extended sex, I strongly recommend having a look at this website:
  
  
• Extraordinary Passion -- The Art and Science of Modern Tantric Sex: This is a book in blog form, a complete step-by-step guide to tantric sex without all the "spiritual" stuff you find in most tantra books and websites.
  
  Also, our SO30 Wiki has a lot of links to very good articles and discussion threads:
  
  
• r/sexover30 Resources
  
  Good luck! I hope this helps!