Reddit mentions of How to Read a Person Like a Book [Nov 01, 2011] Nierenberg, Gerard I.; Calero, Henry H. and Grayson, Gabriel

Your story is pretty similar to mine so I'll try to share some insights. I have ADHD too and isolated myself and retreated into video games when I was 13 to escape some family issues. (I'm 20 now.) I started to realize the importance of being social when I started college two years ago and have been working on recovery ever since.


First of all good on you for realizing that socializing and making connections is so important. Some folks never realize this and stay shut in for life. Wanting to get better is the first step to improving, so you're already on the right track. Give yourself a pat on the back.


Now I can't diagnose you with social anxiety or anything, only a professional can do that, but in the end, it's not all that important. Being diagnosed and having your problem given a name doesn't change the problem at all. Furthermore, not having a diagnosis doesn't make your issues less valid. They are valid, and they cause real hurt, and you deserve to get better. So I wouldn't worry too much about whether it's ADHD or social anxiety or depression as much as I would focus on working it.


I totally relate to feeling like your peers have greater social intelligence than you. And I used to be the same way with giving one or two word answers. It does get easier with practice, but you have to be patient and keep trying. I find it helpful to remember that whoever you're talking to you can't read your thoughts. They don't know what you see in your head, and they don't know what you're thinking. This is important because when you give tiny answers you're giving them just a tiny amount of information. You might know extra details or have more in depth thoughts that relate to your answer and give it more context and make it more understandable, but if you don't go ahead and mention them, the person you're talking to will never know. So what I'm saying is to start trying to give more detailed answers to questions. You might think, "Oh, they don't care to listen to me." If they didn't care, why would they ask? Another important thing is to ask questions in return after answering. "How's your courseload this semester?" "It's a little light, how's yours?" If you look up tips for making conversations, asking questions is going to be the first thing you read. It's probably the single most important thing you can learn.


I got a bit sidetracked there but going back to how you feel like others have higher social intelligence, and you describe your social ability as being so poor, it's pretty clear that you're having trouble with self-esteem, which is normally linked to depression iirc. Looking down when you walk is an indicator of that too. It might not seem like useful advice now, but dwelling on not being good at conversations is only going to make them harder. If you keep drilling it into your head that your inept at conversing with people then social interactions will continue to be difficult and anxiety provoking, because you'll continue to dread not doing well enough. It's kind of a cycle, telling yourself that you're bad at talking to people will make you more anxious when you do talk to people, inhibit your conversational ability, and thus give you more "evidence" of your lack of skill and reinforce your feelings. You're basically digging your own grave when you do that. Now I know you can't just go "hey! I'm the BEST at talking to people!" and fix it just like that, but it's incredibly useful to reflect on when you do well and feel good about that rather than dwell on doing poorly, even if your good moments seem incredibly tiny. Progress is progress. It takes a long time and I still feel self conscious about myself and my ability, but it does get better.


Anyway, I'd stop playing video games if you haven't yet. It might be hard but you'll come to realize that there's much better things to do with your time. Also, having trouble making eye contact and I'm not sure what you mean by struggling with body language but difficulty making eye contact and reading body language can be a sign of autism. Take that with a grain of salt though, I'm not a professional. A tip for eye contact I've heard countless times is to look at someone between their eyes, right above the nose. It's apparently indistinguishable from regular eye contact, but I don't have any experience doing it. Even with that tip in mind, you should practice holding it more than usual. It might feel weird and uncomfortable but if you're struggling to hold it chances are what duration feel weird are actually pretty normal for everyone else. Just remember to practice. If you're finding it hard to read body language, there's plenty of resources on that you can study from. I've heard good things about this book. There's way too much to say about body language and eye contact than I can type here.


As for other books, How To Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie is one the everyone recommends. I've read it and it's great, but just reading it won't help. You really gotta go out there and practice it, (true even if you don't read anything) and be willing to pay attention to what works and what doesn't, refine your approach as necessary, and make new discoveries for yourself. When you do that, you'll start to really understand what the book is saying, well after you read it the first time. Books are useful, but they can't plant the right state of mind into your head, that's something you need to figure out for yourself. It takes lots of time and attention, but that's what you need to do. And that's what everyone else has done, book or not, while you, to be frank, were busy playing video games. It will be worth it.


That's all I can think to say right now. Again, good job asking for help, and I wish for you nothing but the best. Good luck!