Reddit mentions of Mom's House, Dad's House: Making two homes for your child

[Separated two years ago, divorced a year. One son, 6 yrs old]

My apologies for the wall of text, but this is something I've got opinions and experience with, so it's what you get. :-)

Keep things amicable between you and your stbx. It's great that you're concerned about your kid but in the short-term the best thing you can do for his emotional well-being is focus on getting your divorce hammered out such that you and your ex don't resent one another after the dust has settled. That way, in the long run, he has the best chance of having two loving parents in his life who do everything they can to minimize the impact of divorce.

After that comes figuring out how to work together as good co-parents, which means being able to communicate regularly about what's going on in his life - his doctor and dentist appointments, his school work, his after-school activities, his emotional swings (which are unavoidable), his questions about why mom and dad aren't living together, about new love interest(s) in your life, about one or the other of you getting remarried... it never ends. There are dozens, hundreds of conversations you'll need to have as parents in the months and years ahead. And no matter how friendly you are, no matter how well you communicate, the fact you're no longer able to hash this stuff out as a married couple will be maddening, frustrating, and depressing at times. It sucks, and you just do the best you can to mitigate the impact.

Mom's House, Dad's House is worth a read. It talks about a lot of this stuff. Ideally both you and your stbx should read it, so you have a common baseline for what to expect and how to interact with eachother in the times ahead.

Neither you nor your stbx should ever badmouth or disrespect one another in front of your kid. In fact, don't do it away from your kid either; your kid will figure out how you feel, so set aside any resentment or anger you might have about how your stbx was a failure as a spouse, and focus instead on how she acts as your son's co-parent.

Never put your kid in the middle. Don't use him as a go-between for messages. Don't use him to glean information about your stbx's life away from you. And never put him in the position of having to choose between the two of you. Edit to reinforce /u/IAmA_meat_popsicle's comment: 'Make damn sure he knows it's not his fault'.

Make "what's best for our son" your mantra for how you and your stbx interact. You'll be surprised at how quickly that question clarifies arguments and issues.

Accept that your son is going to go through emotional periods, probably for years to come. Focus on keeping in good communication with him, make sure he's comfortable asking questions when he's upset about things. I'm in the habit every week or two casually asking my son how he's feeling about things, if he has any questions about his mom and I, or about my girlfriend and her daughter. Most of the time he doesn't, but once in a while something will come up. I've lost track of the number of times he's asked why mom and I don't live together. And, no, it doesn't get easier to answer.

When something does come up, don't try to solve his problems right away. Just listen and hold him. Reassure him that he is still loved by both you and his mom.

Edit to add that just because your kid's fears are irrational doesn't mean they don't need to be addressed. When my son worried he would never see his mom again after the divorce, I think one of us dismissed it with something like, "Oh, you don't need to worry about that". What our son heard was, "it's not okay to have that fear", which made things worse for him, not better. Even though his fear made no sense to us as a grown up, we should have still taken it seriously, 'taken the time to ask why he felt that way, and disarm the underlying cause of that fear.

Talking to kids about your divorce is hard though. Which brings me to something that may be a little controversial: I don't think it's okay to lie to children, ever. It's tempting to sugarcoat things, to deny anything is wrong, but (imho) dishonesty makes things worse. You incur an emotional debt that blows up in your face later. Kids are young, but they're not stupid.

Respect your son's right to ask questions and get honest answers. But appreciate that he has a simplistic (and skewed) view of life, love, and family. Just give him enough of an answer to satisfy his needs right now, and leave the rest until later. When my son asks why we're divorced, we answer with, "sometimes it's better for moms and dads to not live together anymore". He asks why, of course, but I've found it's okay to answer with, "I don't have a good answer to that right now, let's talk about it when you're older". He has been surprisingly accepting of this. Maybe in a decade or two we'll get to the why underneath it all, but until then... shrug.

Whether or not you have a talk with your son to tell him you're getting divorced is up to you. He'll figure it out eventually, one way or another. My ex and I didn't do this. My son was four when we separated, too young for a serious talk to be meaningful. And the breakdown of our marriage was mercifully quick. There was only a period of a few weeks or maybe a couple months when things weren't "happy" in our home. So we just treated our separation as "the new normal" for him. He went from having a happy home to having two homes that were... well... separate. I don't know if it was the best approach, but I haven't seen any big down sides to it.

Which brings me to... there will be ups and downs to your son's awareness of what's going on. That's a given. One unexpected [for me] source of this are the cues and conversations that my son picks up on from his friends and classmates. He sees how divorce affects his friends with divorced parents and he emotionally projects that onto his own world. This has happened several times already, and I expect it to continue. Don't think this is going to be a "phase" your son goes through and then it's over with. It's something you're going to deal with for years to come. So just be there for him. Provide him with the love and security he needs to feel safe.

That's what I've tried to do. So far it's working out okay.

Good luck.

Start talking to lawyers and work on building a case before filing. Don't leave the house.

Focus all the love you used to hold for your wife on your children. Anytime you are angry at her, stop and think how blessed you are to have them in your life. They will never stop loving you, even if they might stop expressing it from 13-17 or so.

Remember that they also love their mother. They need her. If you even start to think about using them as a weapon against her or not letting her see them as a form of revenge I will personally come and kick you in the teeth. From here forward, you will not say a single negative thing to them about their mother, other than the fact that things didn't work between you two is not their fault, and doesn't mean either of you will ever stop loving them. Like it or not, you are going to have to develop a working relationship with her outside of the context of your marriage.

Consider reading this or something like it.

Start your own course of therapy and find a productive way to focus that rage on living well, be it exercise or self improvement.

Get the book "Mom's House Dad's House", it is very informative in regards to these types of situations.

If you are going to go back to court then you need to carefully examine the exact language in the decree document that has the judge's signature on it. No other document that you made verbally or off to the side matters. If there is nothing about 3 Day holidays exactly stated then you have no case.

The best thing for you to do is be very proactive about planning out your calendar. I created a shared google calendar that everyone in my extended family can view.

You need to own up to the fact that when the kids are at her house then you have zero control of anything over there. Likewise assert that she has zero control when they are at your's. That said, don't be the guy that says no to everything. A party bus with a designated driver sounds better than a rebellious pissed off teen that is drunk in her own car careening down the road.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0684830787/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_dp_ss_2?pf_rd_p=1944687442&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=0743277120&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=10T6YQY333P9E7V1HM6E

I found this book helpful!

https://www.amazon.com/Moms-House-Dads-Making-homes/dp/0684830787