Reddit mentions of Others in Mind: Social Origins of Self-Consciousness

I thought about this a lot while I was writing a story for Science of Us a couple years back, about why we cringe at the sound of our own voices. You can read that here https://www.thecut.com/2016/05/what-cringing-at-your-own-voice-reveals-about-you.html

But I'll also explain it briefly. So there is an interesting physiological explanation here that's partly explains why people cringe at the sound of their own voices. We hear most sounds through air conduction, but we hear our own voices through a surround sound of sorts -- air conduction and bone conduction. And bone conduction transmits sound at a lower frequency; if you've ever heard a recording of your voice and thought it sounded higher than the way you hear it in your own head, this helps explain why.

So, okay -- that explains why your voice sounds different in a recording. But why should that make you cringe?

Most of us, most of the time, exist in our own heads. You see yourself a certain way, and we tend to assume that other people see us in the same way. You assume the "you" that exists in your own mind is the same as the "you" that other people are seeing. I think the moments that make us cringe are the moments when those to "yous" collide -- when you see that your own self-concept does not quite match the way that others are seeing you.

And I think this is true with secondhand embarrassment, too. If I cringe at someone embarrassing themselves on Twitter or something, I think it's often because I can see how they thought they were presenting themselves, and I can also see how badly they misjudged that.

The developmental psychologist Philippe Rochat has a term for this: "the irreconcilable gap." It's the gap between the way you see yourself, and the way the world sees you. Bonus reading! His 2009 book Others in Mind was a big influence on my book. It is fascinating!!! All about how self-consciousness forms in babies (he thinks we start to become concerned with that "irreconcilable gap" as early as 18 months!). https://www.amazon.com/Others-Mind-Social-Origins-Self-Consciousness/dp/0521729653

I thought about this a lot while I was writing a story for Science of Us a couple years back, about why we cringe at the sound of our own voices. You can read that here https://www.thecut.com/2016/05/what-cringing-at-your-own-voice-reveals-about-you.html
But I'll also explain it briefly. So there is an interesting physiological explanation here that's partly explains why people cringe at the sound of their own voices. We hear most sounds through air conduction, but we hear our own voices through a surround sound of sorts -- air conduction and bone conduction. And bone conduction transmits sound at a lower frequency; if you've ever heard a recording of your voice and thought it sounded higher than the way you hear it in your own head, this helps explain why.

So, okay -- that explains why your voice sounds different in a recording. But why should that make you cringe?

Most of us, most of the time, exist in our own heads. You see yourself a certain way, and we tend to assume that other people see us in the same way. You assume the "you" that exists in your own mind is the same as the "you" that other people are seeing. I think the moments that make us cringe are the moments when those to "yous" collide -- when you see that your own self-concept does not quite match the way that others are seeing you.

And I think this is true with secondhand embarrassment, too. If I cringe at someone embarrassing themselves on Twitter or something, I think it's often because I can see how they thought they were presenting themselves, and I can also see how badly they misjudged that.

The developmental psychologist Philippe Rochat has a term for this: "the irreconcilable gap." It's the gap between the way you see yourself, and the way the world sees you. Bonus reading! His 2009 book Others in Mind was a big influence on my book. It is fascinating!!! All about how self-consciousness forms in babies (he thinks we start to become concerned with that "irreconcilable gap" as early as 18 months!). https://www.amazon.com/Others-Mind-Social-Origins-Self-Consciousness/dp/0521729653