Reddit mentions of OXO Good Grips Zester and Grater

Buy a plain Costco cheesecake and whip up some fresh lemon curd. Slap that curd on top of the cheesecake and you’re in business.

“But wait- I know nothing about making curd,” you’re probably saying. Well buckle up Champ, cause if you can stir a fork, you can make fresh lemon curd. Even if you have zero kitchen skills. Super easy, I promise. Let’s get on this adventure.

Time: I dunno, prolly 5 minutes or so.

Ingredients: 1/3 cup white sugar, 4 eggs, 3 tbsp salted butter, about 2 regular-sized lemons (and let’s not get into semantics about how big a “regular sized” lemon is... just don’t buy small ones. We all know what lemons look like. Let’s not get lost on trivial details. If you’re really struggling with this idea, error on the side of caution and buy lemons on the bigger side. If you’re feeling nervous, buy 3 lemons instead of 2. You’re really getting hung up on this lemon thing, so let’s just move on.)

“Wait- How do I know which lemons to buy? How does one choose a lemon?”

I dunno. I just smell it. If it smells like a lemon, I buy it. If it doesn’t, I pick a different one. Let’s be honest: when it comes to picking produce we’re all just making it up as we go anyways.

Step 1: Grab your two lemons (only after getting their consent first) and zest them up. “What the fuck does that mean?” you’re probably asking yourself. Well settle down, Sally, ima tell you. Grab your cheese grater and look at the side that you never use that has the really small grates. That’s a zester.

“But I don’t have a cheese grater,” you reply.

Jesus Christ, you’re an adult. Go buy a fucking zester. They sell them everywhere, including Safeway, Vons, Luckys, etc. You’re going to have to go buy lemons anyways since you’re a goddamn degenerate and don’t have anything other than condiments in your refrigerator to begin with. So buy a zester while you’re at the grocery store.

Now go home and take your lemons and rub them on the zester so that you scrap off the yellow coloring from the top of the lemon. You’re gonna want about 2 tsp of the finely grated lemon shavings. (And if you haven’t figured it out by now, those lemon shavings are called “lemon zest.”) In my experience, 2 lemons will give you about 2 tsp of lemon zest. Don’t rub too hard, just rub off the yellow coloring from the lemon. Be brave, little toaster. You can do this.

Step 2: After you’ve scraped the zest off of your lemons, cut ‘em in half and squeeze them to get about 1/4 cup of fresh lemon juice. Make sure to fish the seeds out of your juice. If that debacle at the polo club has taught me anything, it’s that nobody likes to choke on lemon seeds while eating cheesecake. But I digress...

“I have a juicer. Can I use that to get the lemon juice?”

No you don’t. There is no way somebody has a juicer and doesn’t own a zester. Quit trying to impress me with your fake kitchen appliances. But, if you don’t want to squeeze lemons to get juice, you can always get 100% lemon juice in the produce section of the grocery store. It’s usually in a plastic bottle that looks like a lemon.

Step 4: take your 4 eggs and separate the yolks from the egg whites.

“I don’t know how to do that.”

Of course you don’t, you angry little chihuahua. Ok, crack the egg open and use the two halves of the egg shell to create two egg “cups,” being careful to keep the yellow yolk in one of the egg shell cups. Let the clear egg whites drip down into the sink. Then, slide the yellow yolk into the other empty egg shell cup. In the process of the transfer, the egg whites will slide off the yolk. Then transfer the yolk back to the original egg shell cup. Repeat until you’ve got just the yolk. Put it in a bowl for later. Do this with all 4 eggs until you’ve got 4 yolks in the bowl. If these instructions aren’t clear, it’s 2019 and I promise there are undoubtedly thousands of YouTube videos for beautiful meerkats such as yourself on how to separate the yolk from the egg.

Step 5: grab a metal pot, fill it with water. Put it on the stove to simmer. “How much water should I put in there?” Dude, don’t over complicate this, you playful little otter. Just put some water in a pot. You’re literally just boiling water. This isn’t rocket science. “Well what’s a ‘simmer’?” Its a small boil. You don’t want the water like a hot tub with the jets on full blast. More like a polite glass of champagne where the bubbles continually stream upwards. But it needs to be boiling enough to create steam. No steam = no curd.

Step 6: grab a metal or glass bowl and place it on top of the metal pot so that it fits snugly and traps the steam from the simmering water. If you’re still unclear, [here is a WikiHow](https://m.wikihow.com/Make-a-Double-Boiler-(Bain-Marie) on how to do it.

“Why do I need to cook it this way?”

Because, you inquisitive little truffle pig, if you just cooked it some other way the temperature would be too hot and it’d scramble the eggs and you’d be left with lemon sugar egg scramble. And while that might not be totally awful and it’s definitely something I’m going to try someday, it’s not going to go well on top of a cheesecake. Allowing the egg yolks to cook on top of the steam let’s them become smooth and velvety without becoming scrambled eggs.

Step 7: put all of your ingredients (your 4 egg yolks, your 1/3 cup of white sugar, 2 tsp of lemon zest, 1/4 cup of lemon juice, 3 tbsp of salted butter) into the bowl (that is sitting snugly on your simmering pot of water).

“Wait, should I melt the butter first?” No. Just put it in the bowl, you hungry hungry hippo.

Step 8: stir constantly with a wire wisk. This shouldn’t take long. Do this for a couple of minutes until it’s either 160° or else is thick enough to coat the back of a spoon. (Because let’s be honest: we both know you don’t own a food thermometer.)

“Wait- I don’t own a wisk.”

Of course you don’t, you degenerate. Use a fork. Improvise. Adapt. Overcome.

Step 9: When its thick enough (that’s what she said), scoop it into a bowl and cover with plastic wrap. Smoosh the plastic wrap down on top of the curd because this prevents a film from forming on top of your curd. Now chuck that in the refrigerator to cool.

That’s it. You’re done. When it’s chilled, slather it on top of that Costco cheesecake and you’re well on your way to PoundTown or Friendzone City. But either way, your friend will be impressed with you culinary skills and ability to create fresh lemon curd. Tales of your skills will be told and songs will echo into eternity. What is dead may never die.

Now go, fight, win. You can do this, you mighty sunflower. And if all of this wasn’t clear enough, here is a mommy blogger with colorful pictures and an annoyingly and painfully long story about nonsense before she ever gets to the actual recipe.

Hi! This recipe is found on my blog at https://veggiechick.com/olive-tapenade/

Olive Tapenade

• 1 (10-ounce) jar pitted green olives, drained
  
• 1 (10-ounce) jar pitted kalamata olives, drained
  
• 1/2 cup chopped sun-dried tomatoes (I prefer to use dried,. If using sun-dried tomatoes from can soaked in olive oil, drain oil first and rinse with water)
  
• 1/4 cup chopped fresh parsley
  
• 3 garlic cloves, minced
  
• 2 tablespoons capers
  
• 1 teaspoon lemon zest
  
• 2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
  
• 1 tablespoon extra virgin olive oil
  
• 1 teaspoon maple syrup*, optional
  
• 1 tablespoon nutritional yeast, optional
  
  INSTRUCTIONS
  
  

1. Add all ingredients to a food processor. Process until blended. You might have to stop once and stir with a large spoon and blend again. Serve.
   
2. Store in an airtight container. Lasts for 2-3 days in the fridge. Make 2 cups or 8 (1/4 cup servings). 
   
   

   NOTES
   

   
   

• Zest the lemon before squeezing for juice. I like to use this zester.
  
• Adding a tiny bit (just 1 teaspoon or less) of maple syrup balances the sour taste from the olives and lemon juice. If you prefer it more sour, you can leave the maple syrup out. Or add it in later if needed, after taste testing.
  
• A food processor is the best way to make this tapenade. I’ve tried a blender and it gets stuck and won’t spin as easily as a food processor. It could be possible, but it’s going to require more effort.
  
• Feel free to experiment with different types of olives. If you have a olive bar at your nearby supermarket, you can get creative. Just be sure to pit the olives before adding to the food processor!

I only recommend Cocktail Kingdom or Barfly tools to pros who use them hard and can justify spending the money. I have stainless tools, of lesser quality, that I've used hard for 30 years. They still work as good as they did when new. I suppose a good analogy is automobiles. You can buy yourself a Toyota. It's affordable, reliable and does pretty much everything most of us ask of it. You can also get yourself a new BMW or Benz. Are the German cars nicer? Sure! But you pay for the luxury. The only things "Cocktail Kingdom" that I own are weighted tins that I purchased soon after they were released (many years ago). But I was Manhattan based and Cocktail Kingdom was the only brick and mortar store that actually carried weighted tins. Today, we have more options.

I know at least 6 pros who are very happy with this set @ <$40. You get the weighted tins, which is the biggest change in modern bartending. You also get a lifetime guarantee and Prime shipping. If you want one, you'll need to add a heavy-bottomed mixing glass for stirred cocktails, a Y-peeler and perhaps an OXO jigger and microplane. I suggest you save yourself some cash and put it towards ingredients. Otherwise, Barfly sells a decent kit for $171 that you'll still have to add to. Cocktail Kingdom is even more expensive.

TL/DR: The fancy tools aren't necessary at all. If you want the Cadillac of bar gear, however, go for it.