Reddit mentions of Random Acts of Badness: My Story

Wow. That is one seriously messed-up dude, and a relationship gone really bad--and none of it is your fault. He would have become like this no matter who he was with.

I'd advise against having him read "Why Does He Do That?". That book is meant for people dealing with abusers, not the abusers themselves, who are likely to take al lthe information in that book and twist it to play yet more abusive mind-games.

I'm revising my opinion.

I now think that his problem is less about abuse and more about a serious substance addiction. My impression is he only misbehaves when he's drunk or high, never when sober, correct? And you saw just now how strong a grip this has on him. Strong enough that he'll lie, strong enough that he's not honoring promises he made to others or himself.

The hallucinations and delusions though...that's unusual. Makes me wonder if he might have a touch of schizophrenia or similar psychotic mental illness, which the drugs are bringing out. A psychiatrist would be able to determine that better than me. Though I think it's probably just that Activan doing that, aided by the mix of other stuff he's taking.

It's a real hell on earth, trying to deal with an alcholic and a junkie, especially trying to get them clean and sober. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

His lack of honesty with himself is a problem. Does he really sincerely want to change or is he simply trying to manipulate you and keep you, by saying the magic words, whatever words he thinks he wants you to hear? (another common pattern among both addicts and among abusers).

This is the hardest part for you. You're going to have to be strong. You can't bluff on this--otherwise you'll be living the worst imaginable nightmare for years to come, of intense emotional rollercoaster drama and tons of struggle.

Even if he's sincere about wanting to quit he's got a major uphill battle within himself to deal with--that part of him that likes everything just as it is and wants to continue with the addiction even if it spirals down into his early death--and the part of him, assuming he's sincere, that wants out of the nightmare. Do you really want to get emotionally caught up in that? Especially as doing so is going to damage you--and already has.

I agree with Bluequail that this is too big for him to handle alone without help. It's too big for you to handle alone without help, too. He needs to go through rehab if possible.

Don't let him shoot the kitten. :)

You need to make a decision for yourself. How involved are you willing to get with this guy's drama--especially considering that if he continues on this path he's likely to wind up jailed multiple times, then dead from an OD? You deserve a LOT better than to have an addict for a boyfriend. There's lot of other great guys out there who don't have an alcohol or drug problem--it would be a blessed relief having one of them for a boyfriend instead of this guy you're with now.

One of the most intimate looks I've seen into the life of an addict is "Random Acts of Badness", an autobiography of Danny Bonnaduce. There's a bunch of other celebrity memoirs like it--but Danny's stood out the most for me. He's really smart, hilariously funny, incredible candor, but a real train-wreck to this day and he knows it. He goes into no-holds-barred details on his own addiction and trying to kick it, and failing, repeatedly.

I'd say, before deciding if you want to keep this boyfriend in your life and help him kick his alcoholism and drug habits, read Danny's book. It'll tell you what you're in for. He spends mulitple chapters on his wife's battles to get him off drugs and his own inner conflicts. This book will show you how bad it can get--I want you prepared.

If I were you, I wouldn't deal with it. I'll give him some contact info for help he can get, then I'll tell him "from now on, I'll only talk to you or be with you if you're clean and sober, otherwise no." If he calls you while obviously drunk or high, hang up, even if he's asking for help--tell him to sober up first before calling you again. Don't let him into your apartment if he's not clean and sober. This is the part that is going to be really truly hard on you.

But he has to decide which is more important to him; you, or the alcohol and drugs. If he cares more about the addiction than you, you need to know it. Since people lie all the time...watch what he does, not what he says.

You should get counseling for yourself--or, if you like reading, read some books about being the SO of an addict and about dealing with a relationship gone bad.

You don't have to go through this. Especially you don't have to go through this alone. You're not stuck with him. Stay with him only if you think he's worth it and you get a strong sense he really will reform. Danny Bonaduce didn't, though he tried. Craig Ferguson, Ray Charles, and Johnny Cash all did though--stayed clean the rest of their lives, so it's possible.

Ok...now for help....call up 411... Also known as United Way. They are the networking experts, in touch with tens of thousands of nonprofits. Asl them about what help is available for him, and for yourself; rehab, detox, therapy, a clinic. Many operate on a sliding scale.

I personally found United Way amazing---reddit too. Both changed my life. They can change your boyfriend's life and yours.

And please, please remember...you didn't cause any of this. You deserve better. And you can get a better relationship, one way or another, one without all this hell. Not all men are like this. Most aren't. You don't have to live through a nightmare. You're not stuck or trapped in this. And you're not alone. You can always come talk to us here :) Anything you need, let us know! :)