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Top comments mentioning products on r/needadvice:

u/FinalDoom · 1 pointr/needadvice

> I want to have someone and just KNOW that they will always be there for me.

I found some clarity for this desire in examining my relationships with my few best friends. I found that they're the ones that will come at 3 A.M. if I need them to, and ask the right questions, and I know they're my best friends for this reason and because of our overall relationship dynamics. The thing I noticed that differentiated my relationship with these people and that with my best friend SO was that of expectation. I had an expectation that my SO would fulfill these needs (even though I knew that she probably wouldn't always be able to, because of her own issues), while I didn't have an expectation of my best friends. I knew they would support me, I didn't have to hope or expect they would. That expectation tends to lead to disappointment in a lot of types of relationships. People expect a person to behave in a way consistent with what they knew about a person, in the past, but forget that people are always changing, and that they need to be vigilantly observing the present, not expecting the past and future to be the same.

> I know that person is.. me. I'll always be there for myself. But somehow I can't give myself enough love and validation and I need to seek it from someone else.

So the question you should be pondering here is why? How's your relationship with your dad? (Family Guy reference, but it's actually completely valid) And your mom? There could be a lot of reasons that you're feeling inadequate and look elsewhere for fulfillment. That's the sort of understanding a counselor is perfect for guiding you through.

> I want to feel passionately about something that's not someone. I like sports. I like science. I like helping people. I love helping people. I like beautiful things. I like romance. All these things I like and do are so general, though.

What are your hobbies? Maybe you can find a new one that fits in your present schedule. It could be as simple as walking to the park a few times a week and sitting and meditating in the flowers. And I don't mean zen buddhist meditating, I mean whatever you need to do in your head at the time. Or quiet sitting. Maybe you can volunteer at a local shelter (pet shelter, human shelter?) and get some dog time and some helping others time. I don't know if your area has a botanical garden or good art museum, but those are the sorts of places I like to find beauty. I'm travelling now, and a surprising number of places have really gorgeous botanical gardens. And I just love seeing what other people think and create through art. General isn't bad. I can say I like programming, or I can say I like impeccably designed and thought out back ends that show useful content on a simple and pleasing front end (that I designed), because I like the nuance of doing things properly, the challenge, and the visual result that a good GUI (web page, program) presents. You like science. Maybe there's a local hackerspace you can go to to play around with things, make stuff, and do science with people.

> I can't have one because I'm a student living in an apartment with a no pet policy.

Most of the places I lived had a no pet policy as well, but I kept a cat for four years, including in the dorm at college. Small dogs and cats are easy to hide, as long as you're good about discipline and don't let them tear things up, or are able to fix/replace them when they do. But the volunteering at a shelter thing is probably better.

>Please make the days go by faster.

Finding that hobby or just exploring new things can help a lot with that.

I mentioned books above. Let's see if the internet works so I can find links to the couple I found a lot of help in. Awareness by Anthony DeMello is one that I recommend to people over and over. My best friend gave it to me during my hard times, and it totally changed how I was looking at .. not everything, but a whole lot of things. I gave it back and bought 2 copies so I'd always have one to give away and not expect back. He speaks a lot on self awareness, expectation, and what makes life work well, and harder. It's been a while since I read it or I'd give a better application idea.

The other I picked up as part of a set on recommendation of someone on reddit: If the Buddha Dated. The title's a bit.. odd, which I think is part of why it seemed interesting. I like a lot of Buddhist philosophy (and others.. eastern and western). The author is a quaker.. buddhist.. something. She explains well some of the self views and other views that lead to good relationships, getting relationships, etc. It's another one to change how you're looking at things and in that new viewpoint, look at where you've been going wrong, and hopefully fix things up. It's all about self awareness, and once you have that, you can do things that involve other-awareness even better.

> >I wrote a long thing here that I don't think would have helped.

> I wish you kept it here.

Let's see if I can remember it.

>my lengthy relationship ended.. Fuck I don't even know.. cat's 4.. or is she 5? add a year or so.. subtract 2 and a half.. Let's say the relationship ended about 3 years ago. I was in the middle of graduate school work, had no time, and still saw her almost daily for another year.

During that time, I reestablished relationships with my friends (I really only have a few close friends at a time). As part of dealing with things and figuring them out, I went out with my best friend to our favorite bar to talk and have a beer, almost every night (5+ nights a week). Ordinarily, it's bad to mix alcohol and depression. I think it was okay in this circumstance, because it was just a beer or two, time with my friend, socializing (which I didn't really do much of otherwise), figuring stuff out. Moderation. Also, the bar has 200-250 beers on tap, so it was a new beer every time. He went on internship, so I didn't see him for a while, and I ended up making good friends with my new upstairs neighbors (I lived alone with a cat in an apartment at this point--I moved in with another friend later). The contact with friends helped alleviate things a great deal, and gave me something to do out of the house (graduate work involved a little school and a lot of time alone).

The girl stopped talking to me (I'm not sure exactly why still, since she won't tell me), and then flipped the fuck out every time she saw me in a public place from then on. So eventually, the pain and anger changed to a bit of pity and amusement. It's just a little funny seeing someone have a serious hissy fit just from seeing you in the back corner of the bar you go to all the time, or at chipotle. Though she did vandalize my car, twice. That was a little annoying. One time was just water/ice down the windshield (below freezing, it froze on, obnoxious, but not harmful). The other I went to school to hang out with the (not a fraternity, but similar social group, few girls, computer people frat sorta) group I was a part of, and where I knew some friends. Also to meet the freshmen, I think. Her group (similar thing, photo people) was up the stairs one floor from mine. And who should I see but her, in one of the longer-staying members' rooms. I was helping someone move things up from the parking lot, so I passed them off, and stood outside the room to the side and looked the other way for a couple minutes. She was gone when I looked back, as I expected. But, I could hear her through the vents in the elevator lobby freaking out to the people upstairs "Why was he here? blah blah blah." Uh.. you're on my floor. Oh well. When I went outside, there was citronella oil poured down the back rear side panel of my car. Not damaging in particular on its own, but it doesn't really wash off easily (and I didn't really wash it), and the dirt + oil get down in the paint and don't come off.

Anyway, still funny. Annoying, etc. That's more than I wrote the first time, and it's a little different. I thought it was too depressive the first time. Dunno. Stuff changes, it gets funny. Just be glad if you don't have to see him every day. That makes things a whole lot more complicated.

> I really appreciate how lengthy this response was.

I wish the comment box was a little bigger so I could see more of what I'd written at a time. Works okay with RES though. Also welcome.

edit Oh hey, the edit box is way big--comment sized! Had to add in the beer justification bit about so many flavors. Forgot the first time, remembered in the shower, forgot once out of the shower, just remembered again.

u/3rdAndLost · 2 pointsr/needadvice

I could probably be your seemingly lonely neighbor...she sounds like me. Living alone, 30s, single, money enough to keep a decent roof over my head, and (I'd like to think) also very personable. So first, I'd like to say that you get props for not only wanting to do this but that you so sincerely wanted to do it that you asked people for assistance in choosing something right. Don't know ya from Adam, but you seem like a standup human to me. Just thought you should know... ;-)

Being me, if I were to get a secret Santa gift from someone, I'd likely be touched (especially if there was a card and a small explanation, with or without identifying my Santa). I believe the intention would trump the actual gift. But you know, its tricky.... steer clear of self-help books or a Thighmaster or a gift card to grocery store, lol.

You say she's very personable, but what do you gather from your interactions with her insofar as her intellect? Does she seem well-spoken and intelligent? Being an avid reader, I believe books make great gifts. To choose the right one, use what you already know about her. If your info is spotty or uncertain, may I suggest this book? She's in the appropriate age range to really appreciate it, as most of our generation probably loved Mr Rogers. Its cheap but sweet and semi-thoughtful.

If she's more of an airhead, you could always buy her something sparkly - anything but a ring.

Try to determine what sort of style she has and you will know what kind of gift she'd probably like. [An example: dresses like a hippie - a nice non-seasonal plant (like a cactus or jade); seems to dress like an indie/goth/emo/rocker type - perhaps some non-clothing items one might find in Hot Topic, Spencer Gifts, or Claire's Boutique; seems to be type A, usually a little gadget from The Sharper Image would probably do the trick]. Bonus: you wont break the bank for a semi-stranger lol.

You could also just fill up a Christmas stocking with various candies and treats. And if you change your mind about your anonymity, toss in a Christmas card and invite her over for some 'Nog. 'Bonus: even cheaper than the last one. If you choose to do the invite thing, you may very well have began a beautiful friendship - and thats a gift!

Or you could send her one of those pre-packaged gift sets from like Bed, Bath, & Beyond or Bath & Bodyworks. Usually, they com 'wrapped', as it were, in an actual gift such as a tote or a trinket box, etc.

Any one of these would brighten my day if I were her. Again, you're doing a very sweet thing - I hope Santa brings you something for your efforts. Kudos to you, Samaritan! Here's to hoping she pays it forward... :)

edit: major part of a sentence was brain moves faster than my typing.

u/Corydharma · 4 pointsr/needadvice

Oh man do I get you. I've been there/am there and there's great news for you. There's so much you need to hear that will help. I don't have a ton of time and a lot of this you will learn on your own with time so I'm just gonna run though the highlights.

1)You think you need to be somebody else. You're not that person, stop living up to expectations that don't define your reality. Be who you are, not who you think you are. Your thoughts and judgments about who you ought to be are real but they are not reality. In other words. focus on what is and not what you think it should be. That's a recipe for constant struggle throughout your life. I'm 33 and still struggle like you with many of the same issues. It's a good sign that you've caught it this early. Be patient with yourself. Don't love the person you want to be. Love who you are. Be a good friend to yourself and accept that you're not perfect.

Watch this.

2)Your parents love you. But you don't love them in the same way. It never will be. You can't comprehend the lives they lived before you came along and what it meant to them for you to be in their lives. It's an unequal relationship. It's a pay it forward system. You can appreciate them and show them how much it means to you, but you won't really understand until you have children. One day you will pass that kindness and guidance on to someone else, and they won't return it to you either at least until they are old enough to understand (which tends to be far into adulthood). Be grateful for them, but realize that you are not them. You are not what they want you to be, or even what you want you to be. You are you. Be you. Warts and all.

3)You are procrastinating because you realize subconsciously that you don't have the attention span or the desire to open that can of worms and sort it all out at that moment so you push it till later. It's normal, and lots of people do it because its easier to see the path than to walk the path. You see the route you need to take but you aren't doing anything about it because you are mistaking your intelligence for understanding. Always choose the harder path. Your ability to suffer through the things that you want to do despite them being difficult or uncomfortable will be the single greatest skill you ever learn. Hard work always beat talent when talent doesn't work hard. You are smart enough to see this problem, that most people never even notice. But you haven't learned self discipline yet. It takes years of study and practice. Sometimes it takes lifetimes. Settle in for the long haul. It's a marathon, not a sprint. Be patient with yourself. The only way out, is through. And the only way to make progress is one step at a time.

Read these The Most Important Question of your Life.


How to beat procrastination

4)You need to be honest with yourself. You don't know anything about yourself. Like seriously. You know NOTHING compared to what you are going to learn in the next 20 years. How could you? You've only just started being self aware a few years ago. You are just starting your path and that is the most wonderful place to be because you get to make mistakes and learn. You try to fail you learn. The difference between the master and the novice is that the master has failed more times than the novice has ever tried. You write as though you've been failing for years. Stop kidding yourself. You don't yet realize how far you are going to go on your journey. All that failure is learning. Be happy for failure. It teaches you WAY more than success ever will. All that failure is so good for you, but you push it away because it feels uncomfortable, because you don't LIKE it. What I'm saying here is you need perspective. You should realign how your looking at this problem. You are on the path little brother. You're already doing what you need to do, relax. Give it lots of time and fill your life with wondrous experiences and you will start to see that this problem you are having is just part of the journey. It's necessary. Learn to love the struggle. Learn to love the fight and not the victory. Your perspective will color your whole mindset about the problem. You seem so worried about fixing the problem, about being better, about acting how you think you SHOULD, but all of that is focusing on the FUTURE! None of that is going to help you get there, focus on what you are doing now and you will be able to get there. Just looking at your destination on the map doesn't help you get there. Take a step. Then another. Repeat. Keep your focus on the step you are taking. Chip away at it. You'll get there.

5) You should seriously consider going to therapy. It's super helpful. They aren't there to fix you. They are there to help you fix you. To be a mirror for you to bounce ideas off of and their job is to reflect what you are doing and saying and show it back to you so you can SEE yourself from the outside (a little bit). They aren't your friend or your parent. They are impartial. They don't care. And that lets them tell you the truth about you. It's seriously one of the best steps you can take for this kind of problem. But remember, they can't do it for you. You have to do the work. Going to therapy doesn't help if you don't take it seriously. It's an active step towards helping yourself.

6) Consider for a moment, that you might be wrong a bit about your depression. You might not be far into it but this struggle is really common for people with depression. In fact it's even more common in people with ADHD, which often leads to depression. Fuck what everyone on the internet and tv says about it. Read for yourself and decide for yourself if the dots line up. I was 27 before I realized I had ADD. It's crazy how you can go your whole life looking through life with tinted glassed and not realize you were wearing them the whole time. Depression is like that too. You don't even realize you've got it until you do some reading. Learning about it will help you deal with it, prevent it, manage it.

Watch this

Read the book Driven to Distraction by Edward M. Hallowell M.D. and John J. Ratey M.D..

It's the book that blew the doors open about the subject in the 90's and showed how prolific is really is. Both authors are doctors who have ADHD. This book changed my life. I had no idea how much I needed it. Even if you don't have ADD this book will help you understand tons of behaviors like procrastination and many of the feelings you described. It's cheap you can get a used copy for like 4 bucks. You may not think it's for you, but in my opinion, I see many of the same feelings and thoughts in your post that I had before I knew what my struggle was.

Final thoughts. You are alive. Enjoy it. Don't let this shit get to you. It's not important. You're only real responsibility in this world is to exist. You don't have to understand it. In the long run everybody's gonna die and eventually the whole planet will be swallowed by the sun. There isn't a great purpose or task of life. The purpose of life is to live. Like dancing. You don't pick a spot on the floor and say you're going to end up there. You just do it. You do it just to do it. Just wiggling because it feels good. Reveling in the fact that your alive. Celebrating for the shear joy of movement, vibrancy and life. There is no purpose. You are free. You are already holding the jewel in your hand. All you have to do is realize it. It's a choice. Happiness is a choice. Love is a choice. Love yourself. Be happy.


Edit:: If I took all this time to write this to you, then you should take the time to read the readings and videos I sent. Decide right now. I'm going to do these things. Do it now. If you can't do it now, then right now take out your calendar and schedule a time to examine these resources. That's the last thing I forgot to tell you. SCHEDULE YOUR LIFE!!!! IT HELPS SO MUCH! TIME MANAGEMENT IS SUPER IMPORTANT!!!

Time Management from a person with terminal cancer :

u/DaftMythic · 1 pointr/needadvice

Ya, I'll echo the "You are 18, calm down" responses, as much as your one response post says you don't like it.

Second, I see you had 5 goals laid out 1) Better social skils, 2) Lucid Dreaming 3) Meditation 4) Positive Thinking 5) Reality Trans-surfing (I googled the book but don't really know what this is, but it seems to have various buzz words I know in theory).

For the 1) "Social Learning" you need to:

  • A) Get out in some sort of social setting that is uncomfortable and just... do stuff, meet people, and talk to them. Some people are naturally better at this, but you will not improve by reading books WITHOUT experience and

  • B) accept you might just have something that makes you inherently socially awkward, at least to most people (in my case, I'm bipolar and so have intense moods that sometimes drive people away... keep at it and eventually you'll find people who fit with you and/or how to work around whatever issues you MAY have).

    So I'm going to group 2-5 and since it seems like (sorta, I'm not sure?) you have some quasi Buddhist interest refer you to this lecture by Wes Cecil on Siddartha: Buddhism, at around 15:15 and 16:00 where he discusses the centrality of the 4 noble truths and the 8 fold path... especially common misconceptions about it ( The whole lecture is good too ) Basically, don't worry so much about all these esoteric things and focus on the 8 fold path... not tantra and dreams and such...

    ... also, keep in mind Siddhartha, and most monks, practice extreme acetic practices and meditation for like 7 years and lived as a wandering nomad, after being trained as a Priest. So like, you need to read a bunch of Philosophy and then meditate for a few years before you give up.

    Which brings me to my second point:

    You ARE right

    School and most pop culture on TV and (I suppose, I grew up before it) Social Media are worthless for your development as a human-being. School is at best a sort of bare basic hurdle you need to get thru. Find something tangible that you have passion about. IF it is really philosophy and lucid dreaming and "Reality Trans-surfing" that's fine, but those seem like more solitary, dare I say borderline occult interests.

    And if you want to get in contact with other people, find something that has a community around it. If it is Buddhism you need a Sangha... The community is one of the three jewels.

    HOWEVER I'D REALLY SUGGEST MORE PEDESTRIAN HOBBIES! (Trust me, I was a Philosophy Major in College, most people don't REALLY care about the deep questions).

    Especially if you want to improve your social skills, get some hobbies that other people can relate to and force you to meet people. The art of talking to people is not hard.

  1. Read Dale Carnegie's - How to Win Friends and Influence People

  2. Try Something like an Improv Class - it is an instant way to meet some new people and learn basic ways to keep conversations going and get outside your comfort zone. You will also get feedback on how you present yourself and techniques for improvement. If you are into reading I HIGHLY suggest the book "Impro" by Keith Johnston. It has some amazing discussion about the nature of status and the "subtle clues" in scenes that you will find helpful in everyday life.

  3. Figure out some club or group you can meet once a week and go DO something. For speaking, Toastmasters is great--AND YOU WILL GET FEEDBACK. For just getting outside, find a Hiking group... maybe there is some sort of Lucid Dream Meetup group near you... whatever. That way you know at least there is a common interest you can start from and branch out.

    Get used to not caring about being "rejected" by people, or being "awkward" when trying to talk to them. That's how you learn. The more you do it the better you will get, and there will always be new people to talk to. Eventually you are bound to find friends.

    Hope that helps.
u/diglyd · 1 pointr/needadvice

You are welcome. Glad that I could help. I can relate to you in many ways as I too rebelled against my dad's mindset not wanting to end up like him. I don't have all the answers and I have not figured out the success part yet but I learned that you have to listen to that inner voice inside you and that you have to walk to the beat of your own drum not someone else's.

Glad to hear that you love writing. Here are some useful links to get you started.

Read this first for inspiration : Wall Sreet Journal Story about the author of Wool.

now that you are inspired follow the other links:

Here is the link to KDP on Amazon. On the left there is a menu with links that explain everything:

Here is the link to the Amazon tools you want to download:

Here is a link to a great set of spreadsheets that keep track of daily writing which is essential to being a successful writer:

If you want to ever try your hand at writing a novel or a screen play this is a very interesting book that talks about how to structure them in a formalistic manner that Hollywood will like and breaks it all down so that not only is it commercially successful but that it might go beyond that. It breaks down each book/screenplay into the 3 act 8 sequence format and once you understand it you will see that many books like Harry Potter series to movies follow this formula. Its only $3.00

Recently a girl who writes Erotica gave an AMA on Reddit. Here is the link.

She also put out a how to book for $3 and the link is in the AMA.
here is the link to her little e-book where she shows you how to do what she does.

Might not be your cup of tea but the process is the same if you were to write something else like Romance, Sci-Fi, Fiction, Thrillers etc. She writes mainly short stories and has made over $14,000 in 6 months on the side.

This book is pretty good on kindle publishing

Here is one for non fiction publishing

This one shows you how to write a non fiction book in 21 days

PM me if you have any other questions about KDP and writing.

Good luck :)

u/beau-geste · 1 pointr/needadvice

I agree with your advice SolidCopper.

How I Raised Myself from Failure to Success in Selling

How to Win Friends and Influence People

What about a part-time job?

What about offering to work for free just for the opportunity to learn something new with someone around town?

Learn legal research?

Get a dog?

Start a business?

Learn to grow cannabis? I'm not saying to illegally grow it. I'm saying that you can read and learn, and that there is a market for skilled growers catering to the medical cannabis sector, especially, for example, those that suffer from epilepsy and want to try high CBD strains. So you could study up on all this, and then apply what you have learned after you graduate and have a good career helping others.

Prepare for the ASVAB and go to the Navy's Nuclear School?

Go outside and run.

Let books be your friends.

What I learned was that the folks that I thought were true friends in high school were not.

Spend your time on self-improvement.

Learn new things.

Learn new skills.

PT. Exercise.

Learn. Read. Read. Read. Read.

"When you sell a man a book you don't sell just twelve ounces of paper and the ink and glue - you sell him a whole new life. Love and friendship and humour and ships at sea by night - there's all heaven and earth in a good book."--Christopher Morley

"Books are the quietest and most constant of friends, they are the most accessible and wisest of counsellors, and the most patient of teachers."--Charles W. Eliot

"In a library we are surrounded by many hundreds of dear friends imprisoned by an enchanter in paper and leathern boxes."--Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Reading early in life gives a youngster a multitude of 'friends' to guide intellectual and emotional growth."--Carroll D. Gray

"A book that [is] fitly chosen is a life long friend."--Douglas Jerrold

"Literature is my utopia. Here I am not disenfranchised. No barrier of the senses shuts me out from the sweet, gracious discourses of my book friends."--Helen Keller

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend, and inside a dog, it's too dark to read."--Groucho Marx

If I could be a senior in high school again, in good health...and know what I know now...I would seek out older men and women. I would ask for their advice. I would read and learn.

I graduated as high school valedictorian and had 7 high school superlatives. Once you're out of high school, this "friend" stuff in high school, it's not the same.

Ricky Gervais writes: "... I suppose I was cursed with some early success. I was smart. The smartest kid in my class. Then the smartest kid in the next class and so on. I actually used to pride myself on the fact that I didn't have to even try to pass exams. This is my greatest regret. It's a
disgusting attitude and potentially a waste of a life. Writing and directing "The Office" was the first thing I ever tried my hardest at. The reward was revelatory.

At 40 I was addicted. Not to success. I was addicted to trying my hardest. That's the reward in itself. It's what life's about. The struggle. It's the only way you can be proud. You can't be proud of

Born clever? So what? What are you going to do with it? Your best, I hope, and no less."

u/JJTheJetPlane5657 · 9 pointsr/needadvice

Ultimately the decision of whether or not you want to get between your parents and brother, at the risk of your relationship to your parents is up to you.

No matter what please make sure your brother knows 100% you support him.

Even if you think he knows that, please tell him often that you love him, accept him, are so happy and proud of him, that you would love to go to any Pride stuff with him, and that he can always confide in you.

As for how to handle your parents, you could try finding churches in their area that are LGBT friendly. Perhaps you can call that church and explain the situation with your parents, and that you would like help with your mom.

Then you can tell your mom that you found a Priest or whatever at XYZ church who's willing to help counsel your family over this issue. Your mom might take advice better from someone who she feels is a spiritual authority, as far as actually changing her mind to be able to accept this.

You can also remind her of the Church's current views of homosexuality:

u/redditorfor16days · 7 pointsr/needadvice

you realize than an extravert would do good to work on introvert skills, because you see the benefits of being an introvert, right? so you should work on the strengths of an extravert. that is step one.

1a. read this, and apply liberally. as an introvert, you're very perceptive. you will not lose this skill by developing your ability to be extraverted.

1b. check out /r/seduction and /r/askseddit. your friends don't know how to attract women. their female friends don't know what they're looking for. people who get their needs met up to their basest standards will not devote time to figuring shit out. don't become an asshole, but absorb information from these places, and see what rings true.

1c. go to /r/malefashionadvice and figure out what works for you. do you look like a chump? fix it. if you are uncomfortable dressing in a way that feels fake, figure out what doesn't feel fake. the main rule is appear like you take care in your appearance. this communicates that you are a thoughtful person, have a personal style, and are financially and emotionally stable. it also allows a woman to compliment you on an element of your style. something easy to start with is a $30 timex weekender or easy reader with a leather band. throw out all your old shitty shirts. if you're a t-shirt wearer, you can get designer t-shirts in bags at tj maxx/ross type stores.

1d. hello, /r/malegrooming. put some fucking hair mud in your hair. go to /r/wicked_edge and start shaving with a DE. take pride and care in your grooming. PM me for a <$100 starter kit (links to products, i'm not selling it). if you have pimples, handle them. cut your goddamned nose hairs.

1e. i recommend /r/Fitness, but they can be jerks. on a basic level, i would recommend being able to do body weight exercises like push ups, chin ups, crunches, squats. do some running, and some jumping jacks.

1f. get a hobby that you're excited about and want to yap incessantly about to the point of getting on people's nerves. i started fixed gear cycling, and i'm working on my bike, and it's loads of fun and just for me.

the second step is to just hang out with more people. we live in the 21st century, and you're 23. don't ask to be set up. it's silly. sub-points:

2a. go out and do things by yourself. smoke some weed, then go bike around the park at night. walk around a college campus and learn where all the cool spots are. go to an art museum. what you're doing is learning to be fun. do shit, and enjoy it. don't have it be just the consumption of media, either. go bowling.

2b. when you go out, talk to people. notice something funny? mention it to the person standing next to you. fat guy has a cool laptop? ask them about it. a girl has glorious tits? tell her you like her boots. especially if you start frequenting locations, you can start a conversation with someone who has a routine about how you see them there all the time and haven't introduced yourself.

2c. now that you're thinking of fun shit to do and talking to people, come up with something fun to do, and invite people you know. have fun. this can be going out somewhere. it can be making nachos and watching some nerdy movie. whatever.

2d. now that you've established a fun persona with your friends with positive associations, they might start inviting you. but people, especially naturally social people, often will forget about people. don't take it personally when they don't invite you. when someone mentions doing something with people, say "mind if i tag along?" or "dude, i should totally go to that." if they say no or whatever, go, "cool. let me know when something awesome happens."

and then you start talking to women and inviting them to do things one on one. so, a recap:

  1. take care of yourself and your appearance, and lrn2social

  2. talk to people, do fun things, become a fun person, develop all your relationships.

  3. invite women to do shit.

    the thing about me as an introvert is i have a hard time putting myself out there with people, but that's bullshit. i'm just being a disingenuous asshole. my mom recently died, and i've just started talking to people and telling them what's going on and how i feel and what i'm thinking. it's so much better. no extra pain, and much better relationships with people. step 0 is quit being a withholding asshole. no offense.
u/Scrybblyr · 1 pointr/needadvice

I felt about the same at your age. It's amazing how much better life gets later. Granted, I do take an SSRI now, and they are not recommended for people your age. Do whatever you have to do to graduate from high school at the very least.

Start by making your bed. Get up and make your bed. And that one little act will help fuel you for the rest of it. Starting the day with that one accomplishment can set the tone for the rest of the day and provide motivation.

Don't assign too much importance to what other people think of you. You are you, you didn't choose to be you, you are playing the game with the hand you were dealt, which is all anyone can do. You got dealt a worse hand than some people and a better hand than some people. You have strengths and weaknesses. You have a good command of English, which will serve you quite well. Anyway, I see too many young people worrying too much about what too many other people think about too many things. It's nice that they have opinions, but so do you, and yours are just as valid. In a world of fools, a wise person appears foolish.

Be thankful for what you have. You are not in China or North Korea, where the boot of the government would be on your throat, telling you what you can do or say or think. You're free. You have access to the Internet. You are smart. One recipe for misery is to compare oneself to other people who seem to have it so much better. "If I only had so-and-so's life" "So-and-so has it made." That kind of comparison is absolutely pointless and can make a person miserable. It's so easy to just think about it in a different way. "Thank goodness I am not struggling with [whatever disease]." etc. Be thankful for what is good. Help other people if you can. That goes a long way towards lifting you up to a higher plane of existence.

I hope things will go better for you, you are doing the right thing to ask for help and advice. If you can go to a church, even if you are not Christian, a good church with a good pastor will have people who are taught to accept and love people unconditionally. At my church, we would welcome an atheist who just came for human contact and companionship.

Good luck, I hope you get some good advice from people here and make good decisions as a result.

u/_TrebleinParadise_ · 1 pointr/needadvice

You sound very intelligent for someone still in high school. That will get you far, though the only downside to intelligence is the tendency to overthink. It's a blessing and a curse (mostly a blessing, though)

You sound like you have a clear idea of what your goals are, but just need some help getting there.

Definitely getting into shape will do a wonder for your confidence and physical wellbeing. I'm 25, and have struggled with my weight since I hit puberty, but I think I've finally found some light coming through the end of the tunnel after tons of research about weight loss. As it turns out, 95% of weight loss advice floating around on the internet is false, and the reason it varies so much is because there's an actual science behind it and not a one-size-fits-all approach. If you've tried losing weight before, you probably have my body type (endomorph)

This is the book that's changing my life currently. I'm sure it's available for a cheaper price used. If you can buy it somehow, I seriously recommend that you do. You might not be able to implement everything that's in there yet since you probably have no control over what foods get brought into your home, but knowing the science behind weight loss is very powerful knowledge. I wish this book existed when I was in high school. Because being overweight is not only a confidence shrinker, it'll eventually lead to a ton of other health problems (to which I'm only 25 and am now experiencing unfortunately, had to drop out of college temporarily because of it) Once you learn the scientific way to keep weight off like I did, it should be a very exciting revelation. (I actually cried after reading the first few chapters)

As for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, if it's disrupting your daily/nightly life, getting help for it would be a good idea. If there's a chance that the way you approach your mother will get you to recieve help, I'd say go for it and try to get it.

I have OCD, but it's not severe enough to have clinically gotten diagnosed. I figured out how to stop doing as many rituals that were disrupting my life (at one point I injured myself pretty severely from a nightly 45 minute ritual. That's when I knew I needed to either seek help or learn to curb my symptoms somehow) I had mild facial tourette's as well (I still have it sometimes when I'm stressed) I started curbing my super long and detrimental rituals by replacing them with less invasive rituals little by little, until they became a lot shorter and less physically demanding. The dangerous stretching ritual I was doing before bed slowly turned into posing, then the posing became less frequent, so I was still satisfying tbe compulsion, but modifying it slightly each time. Exercise also helps with this for some reason.

I didn't have a sister that used to sort of steal my friends away from me, but my childhood best friend used to do that, since she was much more outgoing and comical than I was. I had to eventually let her go, which was a very hard decision to make, but ultimately when we stopped being friends, I was finally able to make my own friends (also as a side note, if you love music, concerts are an amazing place to make friends. My high school also had over 1,500 students - plenty of people to chose from, so she couldn't steal all of them away if she didn't even know who they were. But, since the person doing this to you is your sister, this might not be applicable for you until you're out of the house and/or in college (to which hopefully you chose one different than your sister's)

It sounds like you're past the point of trying to talk to your sister to tell her how you feel, but if you haven't tried that yet, maybe it would actually be helpful. Some people have no idea that they're hurting you until you tell them. If I had the verbal skills in high school to tell my childhood bestfriend how I was feeling, maybe we wouldn't have had to stop being friends.

Hopefully some of this helps you in some way. A lot of what you said reminded me of myself when I was in high school, minus the family dynamic.
I wish you the best.

u/Kortheo · 3 pointsr/needadvice

You sound a whole lot like me a few years ago. I could have pretty much written this post, with some family specifics changed a bit. So here's my advice based on my experience.

What you're going through is totally normal and common. It might not seem like it, especially if you don't have friends who are going through similar circumstances, but it is. Even if you have a great relationship with your family, moving back home after college can be rough. After being gone for a few years and having total freedom away from family, moving back home can feel like a step backwards, even though it's not. It just means that you're coming into the 'real world', and that requires a certain amount of time transitioning. It's not easy, but you'll get through it.

When I moved home, I didn't expect to be living there for longer than 1 year, but it ended up being 1.5 years. It's not a big deal, just keep in mind that it may take you more or less time than you expect to get on your feet and where you want to be. Once you do have a solid income, take advantage of cheap or free rent (if you are so luckY) living at home to pay off as much student debt as possible (assuming you have it), or save as much of an emergency fund as possible. If you want to feel independent person while living at home, rather than a guest/child, being financially independent is important.

I also struggled somewhat with anxiety/depression during this stage of my life. is a thing and I ended up being diagnosed with that when seeking help. Basically, big life changes can be rough, surprise! Don't be afraid to seek help is you're really struggling. As time passes you will adjust to your new situation and things will get a bit easier. Regarding your Edit on depression, those are definitely things you could explore with a competant therapist, if you're so inclined. If you want a cheap option for working through depression, I can highly recommend this book: It has been extremely helpful for me personally.

As for what you want to do with your life... I know it's hard, but don't worry too much. It's totally OK to not know what you want to do with your life at 22. Most people probably don't. As long as you are making a consistent effort to find out what you want to do, you're fine. And you have plenty of time left to enjoy yourself once you're employed and have money. What you may find as you grow throughout your 20s is that there is more time in life to enjoy yourself than you may currently realize. In terms of your generral post-transition year anxieties, I think things will become clearer once you're closer to the end of this year. There are probably too many unknowns for you to properly plan yet.

For meeting new people, meetup groups are nice. Consider a local reddit group if there is one. Find a social hobby. Yes, it can be uncomfortable or awkward or trigger social anxiety to go to these events, but the fact is that if you can get psat that you'll be healthier and happier if you're meeting new people right now. Having those social experiences will make getting through this phase all the easier.

Maybe not all of this applies to you, but I hope you get something out of it. Regardless, best of luck to you!

u/boumboum34 · 3 pointsr/needadvice

Your situation, with the job, with wanting to find something meaningful to do with your life, and with romance, are all very common, and very nornal, especially for 21-year-olds. You've only been legally an adult for less than a year. Nothing abnormal about you. I hope that eases your concerns a little.

My best quick advice about jobs is to simply treat it as a numbers game. Say, one out of 10 interviews results in a job offer. One out every 10 job applications filled out and turned in, in person, results in a job interview. One out of every 10 phone calls to a business listed in the Yellow Pages inquiring if they have a job opening results in a "yes, come in and fill out an application". get one job offer, expect to do 10 job interviews, turn in 100 job applications, make 1,000 phone calls.

Make 100 phone calls a day and your job search should be done and you'll be hired within 2 weeks.

Next; girls. The nervousness happens because you're seeking girls for romantic purposes instead of just platonically. That means the expectations and stakes are higher, and you're much less experienced at looking for romance than in just socializing. It's very very normal. Virginity at age 21 is normal, too. And this current society sure doesn't make it easy to find a partner. It's hard for everyone.

There are certain skills involved. In a way, girls are a numbers game, too. The more you meet, the better you get at it. You need practice, mostly--which your polished friend has and you don't. Though you could ask your friend who has no trouble with girls for tips on how he does it. At least let you come with him and watch how he does it in person. For some, the ease and success with girls comes naturally and they don't know how they're doing it. For others, they learned how. You simply need to learn how, that's all. And be patient with yourself--don't be in too much of a hurry to lose your virginity--do socialize and interact. There's books and videos that teach this stuff.

As for finding a larger meaning....that's a very very personal journey. Many many people struggle with it too--and there's no universal solution. Mostly it's a matter of being willing to explore a lot of different things, trial and error, a journey of self-discovery until you find out what matters to you most. And this takes time. Patience, grasshopper!

Perhaps one of the best books I've seen that can help discover what matters most to you is Wishcraft by Barbera Sher. It's basically a workbook in two parts. The first part is about finding out what your dream is--the "wish" part. What kind of life would make you happy? This book gives you a lot of exercises to help you find out. The second part of the book is "craft"--about how to make that life happen--and a lot of it is delightfully unconventional. It's mostly about how you can make your dreams come true without having to become a millionaire first to afford it.

That book changed my own life. I'm living pretty close to my dream life now--and this book helped me a lot to realize what kind of life I wanted, and how to get it even as a dirt-poor disabled person who couldn't hold down a job.

And what's interesting is....a lot of people think you have to be rich to live the way I do now--I live on a 25-acre organic farm in the Cascades, immersed in nature, with forests and snow-capped mountains all around me, broadband internet. I did it on an income of $7,800 a year. It's a very fulfilling life for me.

Wishcraft gave me the brainstorming techniques to figure out how.

Maybe it'll help you.

u/fuhko · 3 pointsr/needadvice

So I recently graduated with a 3.0 GPA with a Biology degree. I'm two months out and I've still been having a tough time finding a job. I wanted to go into research but lab jobs are scarce.

However, I have been taking some classes at my local community college and I discovered that there are some programs that are relatively cheap to get into. For example, getting certified as an EMT only costs a few thousand dollars or so. This is a lot but if you save up, you might be able to afford it.

Basically if you can't get a job in your field, look into getting retrained cheaply, either in Community College or trade school or even military. You may not necessarily want to do this immediately but think about it.

And I absolutely second JBlitzen's advice:

> It would be beneficial, though, for you to start asking yourself what value you intend to create for others. And how your current path will help you to do so.

Essentially, figure out a plan on what you want to do with your current skills. Next, figure out a backup plan if it goes bad.

It definitely sucks to graduate knowing that you didn't do so well in college. I feel for you man, I'm pretty much in the same spot. Don't give up, don't get discouraged, lots of people have been in worse situations and have come out OK. Just read the book Scratch Beginnings or Nothing to Envy. In both stories, the protagnoists succeed in overcoming incredible odds to live a good life.

Figure out what your dreams are and keep going after them. I believe you can reach them. And no, I'm not just saying that.


Also, network! Get to know your teachers and make sure they like you so you have references!!! Show interest in your classes this last semester. You have no idea how important personal references are. Better yet, ask your teachers if they know of any jobs or have any job advice.

All job searching is personal. Employers want to hire people they know will do a good job. Hence the need for personal connections or references (At least someone though this guy was competent.) or demonstrating interest in a particular position. You're still in school so you still have a solid amount of opportunities to network.

Also, some hepful links

u/outofyourtree · 1 pointr/needadvice

Can be disconcerting, eh?

We all (including you) have sleep paralysis EVERY NIGHT that we sleep. We just don't remember it. It's completely natural and the reason we don't run into walls when we dream we're out for a jog. Our body safely immobilizes signals to our non-vital (think stuff other than heart/diaphragm) muscles

Not trying to say it can't be scary, even terrifying! I've been there. But honestly, the more I confronted it, the less I find it distressing. It's just novel now. It happens anyways, there's literally NO WAY it can actually hurt your body. I actually want to get it now!

I always recommend people who experience it look into lucid dreaming, which is being aware while dreaming. When you have sleep paralysis, what is basically happening is your body is still in sleep/dream mode, but your "waking life" brain's awake. If you learn not to panic, it's entirely possible to ride awareness back into the dream state. Many people spend many hours trying to experience sleep paralysis as a means to lucid dream. It's basically like having a metaphorical foot thru the threshold of the dream world, and one in your bed, paralyzed, awake

I've transitioned back into dreamland with sleep paralysis many dozens, up to maybe a couple hundred times in my life once I learned that. Flown, sprouted a plastic flower from a dream dime. All sorts of neat stuff. The more experience you get, the more you realize it can't hurt you. I've woken up and felt my whole body buzzing and paralyzed, and heard guttural, demonic sounding auditory hallucinations, been able to say "Ah, just my silly body glitching out again: neat!"

I recommend " for learning more if interested

u/psychodynamic1 · 1 pointr/needadvice

The ADD could be a reality for you ... and one interesting thing to note is how caffeine effects you. Do you find yourself having more focus and concentration? Then a psycho-stimulant may be for you. Check out the book Driven to Distraction by Edward Hallowell. It could help you understand ADD a bit better. Also, you don't need to know your career path now. Keep being curious and try things. Do an internship in a field you might be interested in ... and then decide if it feels right. All the suggestions on this thread about talking to a guidance counselor or social worker is great advice. Take it. Don't be alone in this.

u/kaliena · 5 pointsr/needadvice

Hi there Internet stranger. I was very much an unpopular to the point of mental health issues child. I felt like my social skills didn't fully develop until I got into my mid twenties due to the stunted start I had.

This book helped me immensely. The Lost Art of Listening by Michael P. Nichols.

This book teaches you, through explanation and example, how to communicate effectively with others so that they feel their needs are met and you feel your needs are met.

We're talking basics here, solid basics. How to comport your body to reflect appropriate body language. How to direct your gaze, body mirroring. How to listen to someone without just waiting for your turn to speak. How to reflect back someone's statement so they feel supported and understood instead of comparing, minimizing, or dismissing.

There's a ton of content in this book and if you read it and absorb it and start applying it as rules in your head your relationships will improve with others.

I've been told that the way I embrace this is similar to those 'on the scale' with Autism, in that many Autistic people feel that they have a list of ridiculous rules they need to follow to interact with 'normals' and the rules work - but damn if they understand why they should need them.

I'm grateful that my brain hiccups allow me to comprehend why people react well to these rules and why my changes in my behavior lead to improvement in my relationships.

I still have a ton of 'fussy' rules to follow but at least now I know what the $%*@ they are.

u/highlyannoyed1 · 1 pointr/needadvice

Pfft, 22 years old. You have plenty of time to figure out what you want to do. Being in a job you don't like is good information- it lets you know what you don't want to do, and will motivate you to find something better.

College will be a whole lot easier once you have direction. I did the exercises in this workbook and it changed my life. I now have a career that I love, and didn't figure it out until I was in my late 30's.

u/mrhymer · 2 pointsr/needadvice

Not easy but doable. Here is a book about it.

What can you get with $25 and a dream?

Adam Shepard graduated from college feeling disillusioned by the apathy around him and was then incensed after reading Barbara Ehrenreich's famous work Nickel and Dimed—a book that gave him a feeling of hopelessness about the working class in America. He set out to disprove Ehrenreich's theory—the notion that those who start at the bottom stay at the bottom—by making something out of nothing to achieve the American Dream.

Shepard's plan was simple. With a sleeping bag, the clothes on his back, and $25 in cash, and restricted from using his contacts or college education, he headed out for Charleston, South Carolina, a randomly selected city with one objective: to work his way out of homelessness and into a life that would give him the opportunity for success. His goal was to have, after one year, $2,500, a working automobile, and a furnished apartment.

Scratch Beginnings is the earnest and passionate account of Shepard's struggle to overcome the pressures placed on the homeless. His story will not only inspire readers but will also remind them that success can come to anyone who is willing to work hard—and that America is still one of the most hopeful countries in the world.

u/aenea · 2 pointsr/needadvice

I'd look at Feeling Good, or almost any of Burns' other works. If you want to get an idea of how CBT works, MoodGym is worth a try.

u/mikm · 1 pointr/needadvice

Try reading Feeling Good. It worked well enough for me, much moreso than pills ever did.

u/bmay · 2 pointsr/needadvice

Sounds like your therapist sucks. This is a phobia that could be cured with a little bit of cognitive-behavioral therapy. Find a torrent of this book, download it, read it, and do the exercises. Also, I'd recommend finding a new therapist.