(Part 2) Best products from r/Christianmarriage

I’d like to suggest something for this post this week. I’ve been hesitating to post this for weeks now because what is on my heart is a topic that some may consider vulgar (or “just over the line”), and I want to respect that so I’m going to be very careful in how I word things. My wife and I have had numerous conversations over the years that we’ve been married, and we came to a mutual conclusion that I think might be helpful for some people.

I know some have brought up the topic of “toys“ before. Personally, I never really liked that term. However, I think it really depends on how we look at the whole topic of “items that may be of use in the bedroom.”

I’ve come to view them as “tools“ rather than toys. I know that may just sound like semantics, but for me, a toy indicates something that a child plays with and that just didn’t seem to align with my view on Biblical marriage. Perhaps it’s because I have such a high view of sex. Now, I’m not suggesting that we can’t “get down and dirty” with our spouses when the occasion calls for it: sometimes sex is less of a production and more of an instinct (ie, experiences will vary). I’m simply trying to use a certain level of decorum when broaching such a subject.

A tool, however, is something that has a specific purpose, used for a specific function or task, and then is set aside until needed again. Again, I know, this sounds like I’m just playing with words. But if it’s one thing I’ve learned in walking with Christ for over 25 years, it’s that how we phrase things can alter our perception of it, and whether or not it becomes a positive or negative thing to us. The key of course is not to delude ourselves into thinking things that are truly bad are good, and vice versa. But tools, as they are, are technically inert. It is the use of them that is good or bad (ie, a hammer can be used to build, but it can also be used as a weapon).

Having said all of that, I have come to the conclusion that a tool, when used appropriately, is acceptable in the bedroom in a Biblical marriage. That’s because marriage as God designed it requires trust, respect, and mutual satisfaction. Frankly, I want my wife to enjoy sex because that simply means that we will have it more often.

If anyone is interested but doesn’t know where to start, I would like to suggest this item. There is a purple one that can be selected which may be preferable aesthetically. It’s affordable and effective. This is a tool that may turn around a woman’s perspective on sex out of simple enjoyment. If the woman cannot enjoy sex, she will not want to have sex as much as the man.

In fact, I don’t think that most women want to have sex as much as men do. However, I view that as further illustration of Christ and the church. Christ always desires us intimately far more than we desire Him. There is an inescapable reality that sex mirrors the intimacy that Christ desires between Himself and the church.

That being said, sex can be more desirable for any woman. The tool linked above, I think, can help with that. If you were planning to broach the subject with your spouse, please use gentle language, and don’t expect to come to a conclusion after only one conversation. My wife and I discussed this topic for months before we made a purchase. This topic can set some people off, while others have secretly been desiring a conversation just like this.

God bless you, and I pray the best for your marriage!

Very good question! To be 100% honest, we haven't really done so hot on Bible studies together. We've started a few but never really finished. We have gotten a lot of benefit from reading books together though. We'll buy a book and read through it together (she reads, I massage the back) and talk about it while we go. Here's some of the best books / studies we've done, talked about together, or dabbled with:

• (Book) You and Me Forever - Francis Chan - Excellent book that takes a step back and talks about living in light of eternity
  
• (Devotional) Daily in Christ - Neil Anderson - A daily devotional with lots of guidance for being free from sin and standing in the authority of Christ. You can buy it on amazon or subscribe for free through Crosswalk for daily emails.
  
• (Devotional / Challenge) The Love Dare - Alex Kendrick - Practical devotional with challenges and exercises to love each other over intentionally over a 40 day period. A pretty nifty book!
  
• (Secular book) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work - John Gottman - Not a Christian book, but hands down one of the best and most practical marriage books I've ever read. Author studied a few hundred marriages to figure out what tends to cause divorce and wrote a book to both educate and help avoid it. Maybe a hundred pages of discussion questions and exercises and challenges to do together as a couple to strengthen your relationship.
  
  If there's a specific topic you're looking into (like marriage or something), I can give you some more thoughts!

This article talks about Biblical leadership.... one thing to note is that men are not commanded to take leadership, but merely to be willing to lead. It is women’s responsibility to submit to the God-given authority of their husband. Your commands include to love your wife, to choose what is best for her, and to be willing and able to lead her and your family. She is the one commanded to submit to your authority.

It is godly to not want to seize authority over your wife. But it is not godly to allow her to take leadership over you, nor is it godly of her to be insubordinate to you. That’s the main difference.

As to the shopping/ finances. It seems a lot of it is online shopping. Could you treat her shopping addiction like a porn addiction? Therapy, structure (a budget!), and limited access to the internet. If she agrees to do something and then doesn’t hold onto that promise, her word is worth nothing. She needs to rebuild your trust in her through time, truth, and right action. I STRONGLY suggest reading (and implementing!) Boundaries in Marriage


Further research—I haven’t watched it, but it’s John Piper

Can you follow this link?

Check out this link: https://www.loveandrespect.com/blog/his-need-for-sexual-intimacy-not-wrong-just-different

This writer wrote a book called Love & Respect, and talks about how a husband's needs for sex are different, but still a need. Here's a snippet:

"Of course, most wives recognize this need but honestly she wants him to want sex when she wants sex and not want sex when she doesn’t want sex. She subconsciously wishes for him to be like a woman. But upon reflection, we need to see just how vulnerable he is, not just to sexual deprivation but to dishonor.

Truth be told, this is more about respect than sex. A wife can shame her husband for wanting sex more than she does. She sends the message that not only is there something wrong with him, he is unloving toward her. Oh, yes, she has a desire for sexual intimacy when ovulating and when wanting a baby. Her hunger for sex then is all-pervasive. Of course, he doesn’t reject her but if he did, what might she feel? Even so, why can’t he wait until she is in the mood for sex? If he were a loving man, he should know (and her son should know when he gets married, right?) that a woman prefers sex less than a man does, and he has a responsibility to serve her and align himself with her emotional and sexual interests, and be in rhythm with her, and never request sex more than she wants sex.  

First, realize that his sexuality is much different than yours. And this is part of God’s wonderful, unique designs for man and woman. Proverbs 5:19 says, “As a loving hind and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; be exhilarated always with her love.”

Second, a wife should recognize that her husband needs sexual release just as she needs emotional release (intimacy). In 1 Corinthians 7:5, Paul wrote, “Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

​

If you haven't purchased the book yet, might I suggest getting it and reading it with your wife together.

Here's a link to it

This might be a bit much if you're not comfortable with the premise, but The Surrendered Wife has been great for me in learning how to open up and be more vulnerable in marriage. The caveat is that it is ONLY appropriate when you're married to someone who has your best interests at heart. The easiest way to have a biblical marriage with a husband as the head is to make sure that you marry someone worthy of the role.

I think the first thing is that there isn't a formula. If you talk to people every couple has a different story about how they met and what worked well for them.

I think focus on the family endorses providing teens with an agreed on mentor to give them advice when they don't want to discuss something with their parents.

I found this book very helpful. https://www.amazon.com/Dateable-Are-You-They-ebook/dp/B0033V4SEW/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=Are+you+dateable&qid=1560307142&s=digital-text&sr=1-1 it's designed for teens and I remember one of the points was not to assume that you're going to marry someone even if they talk about wanting to marry you.

This book was published after I was married. https://www.amazon.com/Courtship-Crisis-Case-Traditional-Dating-ebook/dp/B00ZYWN7GS/ref=sr_1_1?crid=322U3YWQRSVMV&keywords=courtship+in+crisis&qid=1564145427&s=digital-text&sprefix=Courrtship+%2Cdigital-text%2C176&sr=1-1
I followed the author as he was working on publishing it. He wrote it in response to Joshua Harris's book. He looked at how his grandparents dated and what the differences were that allowed that generation to marrying young and to have lasting marriages. He said that they dating a lot of different people without having and sexual intimacy. There was no hand holding unless you were exclusive, otherwise it was expected that everyone (even as young as 12) would go on dates with multiple people. So Friday on a date with one person and Saturday on a date with someone else. After a few years you have a strong sense of what your looking for, you have the social skills to date well, and you're in the habit of dating and getting to know people. I have single friends in their mid 30s who struggle with at least one of these areas.

In practice when I was single I spent a lot of one on one time with at least 5 different guys. I got to know each of them and eventually I knew who I was interested in and who I wasn't interested in. And that was all without the word "dating" ever being used.

I'd say tell them not to be afraid to get to know people of the opposite sex. Treat them like friends and get to know a lot of different people.

I was single from 18 to 26. I went on dates here and there and was in a couple relationships that were short term (2-3 months), but I was in the same boat. Everyday I woke aching for some way out of my singleness. I was desperate just to have someone I could go to dinner with or go on a walk with. Some of the most painful seasons of my life were in those 8 long years of being single.

Approaching my 27th birthday, I decided to let go. Nearly all of my friends at this point were getting married, were already married or were having children. I wanted to stop putting expectations on what I thought a relationship would be like. I bought a book on dating, marriage, & relationships that vastly changed my mindset on what I thought finding someone to spend the rest of my life with was going to be like.

Edit: Heeeeeeere ya' go

2 months later, out of literally no where, I go on a date with the girl who I would propose to a year later. Now we’re getting married in January.

All this to say, if marriage and a family are a desire of yours and you’re keeping God above that desire, he will honor it. And if He doesn’t, He’s still good. I know that’s not the answer we’re looking for, but understanding that our circumstances don’t determine is goodness is an important reminder in times like these.

I’ll be praying for you. I’ve felt the pain you’re going though and it’s not fun at all. Your singleness, in this season, is a gift (even if it feels like a curse).

A few things to point out:

1. Not talking about sex or being allowed to date is common in some Christian cultures, but not all of them. There are excellent resources out there, like Sex, Dating, and Relationships. I would recommend that you start reading the books from this list.
   
2. This subreddit follows the traditional Christian view that pornography is evil. There’s several reasons for that, but the basic one is that it is sexual activity outside of marriage. It also fosters some extremely unhealthy behaviors and mindsets that our culture is only now recognizing: objectifying women as sexual objects, creating unrealistic expectations about sex and intimacy, viewing sex as just about release, and creating a pattern of unchecked desire.
   
3. You’re accurately recognizing the cycle you’re in. What you’re wrong about is the strength of desire. Semen doesn’t need to be released, the body is entirely capable of reabsorbing it. But you’re training your body to orgasm every day. You could instead be training your body for self-control. Your sex drive will readjust within two weeks. Personally, I was on both sides as a teenager, and it is a challenge with so many hormones. But it’s a good challenge and you can conquer it.

Most of the marriage books I've read are either for men only, or would have a section for men and another for women. (Which may be a better way to address this in general, but one can hardly expect singles to buy books where half of the material is irrelevant to them).

My wife read Me Obey Him a long time ago, I think she thought it was good. (Now I feel old - it was relatively new when we got married.)

As I said, she didn't like The Excellent Wife, but I don't remember why.

She hasn't read The Surrendered Wife. I guess I could buy it for her but she might get mad. (That was a joke.)

It looks like Nancy Wilson also has a relevant book, https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B004QS921K/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_hsch_vapi_tkin_p1_i4. (Doug Wilson's books on marriage & family are good. I particularly benefited from Federal Husband, My Life for Yours, and Reforming Marriage.)

I think Lori Alexander also has one or two books on this, but I know she's a little bit ... blunt.

Stacy McDonald has a book, but I think it's more about being a homemaker vs a career woman and am not sure if it says much at all about this specific topic. Another one my wife read several years ago.

A couple of months ago I bought Virtuous by Nancy Wilson, You Who by Rachel Jankovich, and Eve in Exile by Rebekah Merkle, since my daughters are in their pre-teen years and I thought these might be helpful for them. I haven't read them yet, but they are sitting on my desk and I'm hoping I'll pick up something via osmosis.

The church has not done a very good job in preparing men or women for actual Christian marriage. When I married, the bulk of what I'd learned (having grown up in church) was "Go to church, provide financially for your family, and be super-duper extra nice to your wife." Which was just not even remotely enough to prepare me for marriage.

It can be hard to study the Bible, but that book was just what I needed. Also, this book called Disciplines for the Inner Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/0967772508/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_WhHpDb1N95YRJ

Was recommended to me and I loved it too. The Disciplines for the Inner life is more of a.....kind of......devotion? Its very in-depth, and much more 'study' rigorous. I think starting with The Diving Mentor would be very helpful. And then when you get a bit more spiritual muscle move on to the Disciplines for the Inner Life. 😊