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From what you've said above, you went with your instincts, and your instincts were right. You may not have had the language to articulate what was happening, but you could feel something was and you could acted on it when it made you uncomfortable. That is a life-saving reaction.


In case you've never heard of it, let me recommend a book called "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker. He is a security expert, and he travels to schools and colleges now talking especially to girls. He explains when and why to trust your instinct and how to keep yourself safe from predators. It's really eye-opening stuff, and much of it is very simple, we just need to hear it explained to recognise a lot of situations we've all been in.


This is a link to the book on Amazon, and it has a "Look Inside" option.
And this is a link to his website.


I recommend this to all women, especially young women, it can literally save lives. Frankly I'd be more comfortable getting this kind of information from a woman, but this is a very rare man, and I trust his advice a lot. If you get something from it, talk to your friends about it, we need to spread this kind of education widely.


Good luck. And bless that 13-y-o girl still inside you—she kept you safe, even when she didn't fully understand what was happening. That's praise-worthy.

I'm so happy I set up a reminder for this thread. But holy shit that's weird.

Would it be worth setting up a second camera outside? So that if someone is intruding, you'd have a better chance of catching a picture? Especially if they're messing with the camera.

How hard would it be to unmount the camera that was facing the screen? Maybe it just fell and then a good Samaritan, who happened to be in your fenced-in back yard after 9pm, re-mounted it.

If it is some sort of intruder, they probably got in through the front door, although in saying that I'm making a bunch of assumptions. However, if it's just a regular doorknob with a regular lock, it's pretty easy to get a bump key and open it up.

There are "bump-proof" locks on the market, if you think that might be a possibility. I bought the Schlage Connect which is bump-proof, but also connects to my smart-things hub (home automation), and I have alerts set up for when it is unlocked during certain hours or when I'm not home (once my phone connects to my WiFi I'm considered home). There's certainly more you can do with it, but I'm simply considering the current issue.

The other option, which I believe I saw someone suggest, is an alarm system. It won't be as "fun" as this, but you'd certainly feel safer.

Still wishing you the best of luck.

A friend bought me one of those small, $10 pepper spray units. The push lever was inconvenient and eventually broke and later the unit leaked all over my bag.

After a local breakin, someone bought me the Kimber Pepperblaster II, because it is easily aimed and has a trigger instead of a lever. I've watched some videos on youtube and it seems pretty effective at a distance of 3-9 feet. That should be your ideal distance from this guy if he shows up again. Any closer an you risk being in arm's reach and getting grabbed or hurt.

Hopefully you'll never have to use one, but if you do, be sure to get out of the area fast, as most deliver a cloud and can cause you to be affected as well. It gives me a sense of protection, when I do carry it, and I think that shift in attitude helps when others are looking to take advantage of someone.

The dog is a great deterrent and gives peace of mind. If you have a cell phone, you should keep it with you when you go outside, simply because this guy doesn't seem the type to back down, even if the police talk to him.

Also, program the police station's number in your phone(s) as "A Cop" so it is at the top of your contacts list. This way, if it isn't a 911 situation, but he is on your property and is making you uncomfortable, you can simply call them. You don't need to tell this guy you are doing so, but definitely report him and ask for a policeman to come by since you feel threatened and this person won't leave.

Sorry for the wall of text, but your situation is frightening. I really hope you keep reporting him until he either stops, leaves or gets arrested. Good luck and please update with the police's response.

It’s probably recommended here all the time, but there’s a wonderful book called The Gift of Fear which teaches the importance of trusting your gut instinct in these situations. You and OP did that well, and it probably saved you.

The neighborhood watch is a really good idea. If ur able to talk with the people that live directly by you, next door, across the hall, and let them know what has happened, possibly exchange numbers so you have people right by you to call if u get spooked. Maybe some can even step outside their apartment when you get home from work and wait till you get inside.

Also there are many different products like this doorjam hopefully I did the link correctly 1st time I’ve done one but that might help you feel little more secure. This is just an example I haven’t researched them so don’t know which ones are most effective.

Weird situation. I would think if people wanted to break in or do something else they wouldn’t draw so much attention to themselves beforehand but who knows. Glad your husband got some time off to stay with you. Sorry u have to deal with this idiot. I hope it stops and things get better for you guys, be safe.

You can get something like this in the meantime. They tend to carry them at home improvement stores. Place them on your front door and your sliding door, as well as any bedroom windows.

Also with regards to changing the locks—most places state that if you change them yourself it’s allowed, provided you return the new keys upon moving out and immediately give the landlord/office a copy for their master set. Look over your lease and see.

If you’re in a US state with no waiting period and can afford it OR you can borrow one, get a shotgun. You don’t need bullets/shells. Hear me out. The point is not to keep a loaded gun or be prepared to use it; the point is to use the sound of the shotgun slide racking to scare someone off if they happen to make it inside. You can ask the gun shop to show you how to rack it. It’ll make a very loud “ch-chuck” sound that is enough to scare just about any intruder away. Guns hold their value extremely well so once this gets sorted out you can sell it without taking a financial loss.

Alternatively if you have a webcam you can turn it into a security cam with software until your security system arrives. Just point your laptop or webcam at the door and it can be programmed to start recording/snapping pics when it detects motion. I used one when I lived in an old apartment before leaving on vacation. The quality usually isn’t great but you’ll have the images saved on your phone.

I hope you stay safe! Please update us!

Thats why its useful to lock your door from the inside. You can use addition locks like this or just a chair wedged under the handle.

www.amazon.com/Rishon-Enterprises-Addalock-1-Piece/dp/B00186URTY/


It takes about 30 seconds to pick the lock on even high end dead bolt locks. Consumer grade door security is garbage.

Here is someone using two bobby pins in less than a minute.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BnS6leHfB2c

You can make bump keys, electric lock picks, manual picks, etc, etc. The locks on your door mean nothing to someone who understands how basic they are.

If you suspect someone is entering your house like this you can set traps to detect them. Place some small pieces of dust or "trash" like paper in windowsills where if someone came in and out they would disrupt it. Remember or write down the exact positions of these items. Similarly, when you leave your house reach inside the door and place a small piece of trash right behind the door so if its opened the trash will be blown or otherwise moved from the position you remember placing it in. Carefully open the door and check your trap when getting home. They might see the trap but it doesn't matter, they already triggered it and you will know no matter what that someone was there.

>I keep a metal baseball bat by my bed now and I will use it.

Make sure you know how to swing it well. If I saw someone with a bat it wouldn't really make me hesitate and in fact would just make me think they were focusing too much on the bat as a useful weapon when its really not, especially inside a house where you'll almost always not have room to generate power.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7JSMEOv4dXQ

I would suggest a Ruger .380 LCP loaded with high quality ammo kept in a fingerprint locked safe. Total cost is under $500.

http://www.amazon.com/BARSKA-Opening-Biometric-Fingerprint-Safe/dp/B004FO37AC/

http://www.budsgunshop.com/catalog/product_info.php/products_id/54585

Make sure you bolt the safe down so your children don't get any ideas later on in life. Also, make sure you teach them gun safety before they're teenagers. The four rules. Treat all guns as if loaded. Never point a gun at something you wouldn't accept being destroyed. Know your target and what is beyond it. Finger off the trigger/out of the trigger gurd at all times until you want to shoot.

you got really lucky and happy to still have you!

you should carry a descent flashlight with you. https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B013SAEPLS/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1468083370&sr=8-1&pi=SY200_QL40&keywords=thrunite&dpPl=1&dpID=41bMBUFh1SL&ref=plSrch&th=1&psc=1

a knife that is a good size easy. it's easy to hide because it's dark and harder to spot in your hand with no reflection.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B000W32PIK/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1468083705&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&keywords=glock+knife

be safe out there.

I've become quite paranoid after making sure I only read the creepy reddit stories, I love them too much but I digress....But I actually bought a whistle to keep handy when I'm out by myself. I call it a murder whistle jokingly but I hope I never have to use it. It comes with two so I gave the second to my close friend who lives by herself. Emergency whistle in case you decide it would be handy, it hooks on your key chain and it won't rust. And I've been given serious flack about this, which is fucked up, but if you have an iPhone just share your location with someone you're close to who cares about your well being. Better safe than sorry! FYI I live in downtown Seattle and am a 31/F who likes to think she is tough.

If you can't move arm your self and get security cameras. Please look into something like this for your door

Visit r/wyze and r/homedefense post this on home defense there are people that are more knowledgeable than me on there that can point you in the right direction. I am beyond glad you and your child are safe and I am also so sorry you had to go through something like that. you are an amazing mother and your survival skills are a testament to it.

Fear not fellow redditor, there is a handy tool that I discovered that will allow you to at least crack them open a bit in cofidence right hurr !

Granted, they won't save you from someone hell-bent on breaking windows to get in, but I swear by them and have a collection that has gone with me to every house since 2009. They look like flimsy little useless metal pieces, but they lock down those windows like Fort Knox and are actually pretty freaking sturdy.

Glad you liked the post, though. Thanks for reading!

EDIT: Brain not working right, forgot linkstuffs.

i recommend this to everyone .. i’ve used it forever because of the velcro strap .. if pushed or shoved, you might drop your purse, keys, etc but THIS is wrapped around your palm and will not come off.

we have a HUGE homeless problem here in Hollywood and they’re aggressive so i never leave home without it on my hand.

just a recommendation. good luck !

(https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07GVR736V/ref=cm_sw_r_em_api_i_PhUXDbVPJFXH1)

Here is a great keyless alternative if the landlord doesn't want to change the locks or doesn't want you to make changes to the house:

https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B00H9NZHKO/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&th=1

Ten of these tight across the space between the door and the wall just past the doorframe where it opens will make it so that even if they pick their way in, they are not getting in unless they kick the door clean off its hinges. They are super easy to put up, come off with floss and a bit of time, don't hurt the paint, and are so thick that it would take them hours to cut through them all. Plus they just snap on and off.

I have a pipe in our back window that works like a sliding door. One day I was locked out and had to break in. I now keep that window almost always locked. And take solace in that its easier to kick the back door in than climb up into that window.

For sliding doors there are specialized locks now that lock the door panel(s) to the frame. However "L brackets" out panel are cheaper and French doors are nicer with working lock & bracket systems.

This seems to be a good one to solve most of the problem, especially if small kids are in the house.

https://www.amazon.com/Defender-Security-9847-Patio-Sliding/dp/B004AHVA5S/

Creepster indeed... the T seems to be getting worse of late.

I'm not sure this is the subreddit for such things but I have to recommend carrying one of these with you in future. Tucks right into your purse or carry-all.

As I'm sure you know Massachusetts is rather restrictive regarding self defense implements of any variety so you will need to get yourself a FID... $100 and a few pieces of paperwork is all it takes.

Chances are you'll never need it but should you get in a pinch with any inappropriate person without assistance around such a tool can buy you the time you need to get back to decent people who can help.

Wow! This is infuriating. I am already paranoid and I haven't even had a bad apartment experience yet (fingers crossed!).

There are these locks on Amazon that are an addition to the regular locks, something like this:

https://www.amazon.com/Rishon-Enterprises-Inc-RE1001-Scratched/dp/B00186URTY/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1510271344&sr=8-4&keywords=locks+apartment

My landlords also use something like this on the backdoor:

https://www.amazon.com/Master-Lock-265DCCSEN-Dual-Function-Security/dp/B0002YUX8I/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1510271454&sr=8-2&keywords=locks+apartment

Stay safe everyone!

You would probably enjoy The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker.

It contains a bunch of creepy, /r/LetsNotMeet-style stories about stalkers and murderers and such, written by a security expert who explains why your gut is such a good warning system and how you can use it better to keep yourself safe.

A fun and disturbing read.

There were so many red flags in this situation that she missed. This was a wake up call and a valuable lesson for her; thank goodness she is okay.

I have a book to recommend that she read. I asked my kids (adults now) to read it when they were younger, and frankly, I can recommend it highly to anyone and everyone. It's called "The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence" by Gavin De Becker. The book teaches you how to identify even subtle signs of danger, and how to trust your gut instincts.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440508835

You can get a more heavy duty safety bar thing. We have something like this one. It seems pretty snug when adjusted correctly.

Everyone involved needs to go no-contact with this beast. Every time you communicate with him you are fueling his fire by giving him the attention that he desires.

A lot of people here recommend the book The Gift of Fear. I just read it. Good stuff.

Pay no attention to them. Too often we don't we don't listen to our gut when it comes to situations like this. I recommend reading The Gift of Fear. Stay sexy, don't get murdered.

I'd highly advise borrowing one, at least until you can get a handgun. I don't know about your local gun laws or financials, but based on how tricky it can be to get ahold of a pistol, I'd also suggest you look into getting pepper spray. A friend of mine is 5' 3", somewhere around 115 pounds, and very young-looking despite being old enough to concealed carry. However, she lives in a college dorm at the moment, so she's resorted to carrying a Kimber Pepperblaster II in wake of her usual handgun. It's two-shot, direct, and even has a small handle and sights for better accuracy. If that doesn't seem like your cup of tea, though, I'm sure someone at your local gun store can tell you a lot more about alternative self-defense options than I can.

Just a note for anyone who might be able to use it: You can get a locking (exterior) doorknob from home depot for under $20, and all you need to install it is a screwdriver. It takes less than five minutes even if you aren't mechanically inclined. We had a nightmare 3-story townhouse with like fifty potential entrances so I replaced every doorknob in the place to make it harder to get in from the garage or main-floor sliding door. It was really fast. Also hd (or Lowe's) will rekey them for you if they're compatible with your other locks, so you can choose which keys to use with which locks.

Also there are more temporary things on Amazon like travel/hotel locks and door bars, if you don't want to risk getting in trouble w landlord. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0002YUX8I/ They are just less robust, I think, and take more vigilance.

You need to notify your building manager so they can reissue your (and possibly everyone else's) key card. And insist that he install a deadbolt on your door. You can also buy an actual security bar that will brace your door from inside, so it can't even be opened. Much safer than the stool. Here's what I'm talking about: https://www.amazon.com/Master-Lock-265DCCSEN-Dual-Function-Security/dp/B0002YUX8I

Edit: missed the part that you called the building manager. Good! But seriously, insist on a deadbolt.

Better overreacting and safe than underreacting and hurt, right? There is this amazing, essential book called The Gift of Fear that would tell you that you did the exact right thing.

I’m a fan of some sort of doorstop too. They even make products like this that you can even take when you travel!

This comment may get lost because there’s so many, but I hope you see it. After reading your account I think you really should read this https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440226198/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_9zXbBbWFZN0PH . I learned enough from it that I believe it saved my life once. Do not ever ignore that bad feeling in your gut, and do not ever think you have to be polite.

You can get bells to hang on your doors. It will probably startle the intruder who has obviously entered quietly previously. Also that way if anyone ever (hopefully never) opens the door when you ARE home you will hear it. Even after you change the locks, if you want. There are bells like they use in stores that you can buy on amazon or walmart. You can also even find collars with bells at a pet store for like $10 (or probably a craft store) if you want something immediately.

https://www.amazon.com/Lanier-Shopkeepers-Bell-Another-Customer/dp/B01FGQ3RPW/ref=sr_1_6?keywords=bells+for+door&qid=1554996971&s=gateway&sr=8-6

​

https://www.walmart.com/ip/Weaver-Leather-Arctic-Bell-Strap-6-Bells-BP/586563462?wmlspartner=wlpa&selectedSellerId=7617&adid=22222222227133374628&wl0=&wl1=g&wl2=c&wl3=244413422375&wl4=pla-401870920304&wl5=9003193&wl6=&wl7=&wl8=&wl9=pla&wl10=117446513&wl11=online&wl12=586563462&wl13=&veh=sem&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIopaLxK7I4QIVXR-tBh0qngdPEAQYAyABEgJl8_D_BwE

You've had a lot of good suggestions here, this isn't the best one, but it's something.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B0002YUX8I/

These are what I was talking about. No installation needed and they're supposed to be pretty good.

Recommended reading:

Dark Nature: A Natural History of Evil

by Lyall Watson

https://www.amazon.com/Dark-Nature-Natural-History-Evil/dp/0060176881/ref=sr_1_4?keywords=Lyall+Watson&link_code=qs&qid=1556099776&s=gateway&sourceid=Mozilla-search&sr=8-4

>I still find myself resisting the urge to stack furniture in front of the doors

Instead of stacking furniture, just get a SECURITY BAR. Much easier, a good security precaution no matter who you are and nobody thinks you are crazy for using one. Plus its a lot less heavy than hauling furniture around.

change the locks if you can, get a security system if you can. get a door jam, too. like this: https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B0002YUX8I/ref=ox_sc_sfl_title_15?ie=UTF8&psc=1&smid=ATVPDKIKX0DER

I had a double dead bolt, and it made me happy. if you known maintenance is coming (they have to give you warning in the US in most states I believe) you can leave the deadbolt off, but otherwise, if you can't move, take precautions to protect yourself. something strange is for sure happening and there's no way to know who it is or what they want.

you could always copy paste stories to her if all else fails. Also, you might send her the book The Gift of Fear or Protecting the Gift, Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe

Follow this advice, OP. I also suggest you read Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear.

It's possible he doesn't realize his behavior is inappropriate because of either some sort of mental disorder or a weird childhood, and it's also possible he realizes what a creeper he is being, but it doesn't matter. Educating him isn't your job. Your job is to keep yourself safe. If that means ignoring him, cool, if that means contacting the police, cool, if that means explaining to him how inappropriate he was and establishing clear boundaries, cool. It's up to you. Trust your judgement.

I dealt with a lot of guys like this over the years, and my default mode was to try not to make a fuss, and that got me stalked and sexually assaulted. My mode now is to establish clear, firm boundaries from the beginning. As soon as someone does something that isn't cool, I point it out. "You're not allowed to grab my ass. If you do it again, I'm telling a bouncer and not talking to you anymore." or "I want you to stop contacting me. I'm not interested in dating or being friends with you. If you try to come by or break in again I'm calling the police."

Unfortunately, being firm and putting up boundaries can incite violence and make the situation temporarily worse. Remember, you have a right to live harassment free, and you have done nothing wrong. He is being inappropriate. Check out The Gift of Fear.

Have you read ‘The Gift of Fear’? You definitely should. Basically: your instincts are picking up on something that our societal politeness is telling you to ignore. You’re probably dead on that there’s something off here.

Edit: here’s the Amazon link to make it easy -
https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198[The Gift of Fear, on Amazon](https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198)

i'd also get a dashboard camera

and probably your own house camera. or just your mom staying home 1 day to catch/video the person from across the field after enticing them to video yall

see the guide on the sidebar.

oh, and maybe one of these (see comments for hacks also)

> I don't know about a restraining order. They've been known to make situations worse

yeah I read that oft times a restraining order sometimes will set off a violent reaction in a stalker. there's a good book about how to deal with those types of people it was called "The Gift of Fear".

https://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835

Yikes! Consider getting yourself one of these for your apartment door -- that way, even if he somehow gets a key for it, he still can't get in while you're home.

That's emotional blackmail girlfriend.

Read that link, and then read everything else on that site.

You were not leading him on. He was leading you on. He was leading you on with lies about cutting, with declarations you were his only friend, with manipulation, wheedling, whining, putting himself first before you, and all his other blackmailing antics.

Does he need help? Absolutely. Are you a trained adult mental health professional? Fuck no. Does he know that? Of course he did.

Like you said, he was a lying, manipulative, using jerk. He can be that and still be in need of mental health services. One of these things does not make the other any less true.

Good on you for blocking, getting out, telling friends, and telling your story here.

Needy, manipulative, users will use good people against themselves. That is not the good person's fault.

Get on Amazon, order this book, and read it cover to cover. As a good person and a girl, it can save your life. Even if your future is with other girls. It has saved mine.

Now that you have this experience, you have a set of warning signs and red flags to look for in the future. And you will not tolerate emotional blackmail ever again.

Lots of good advice here.
Don't ignore your instincts, we have them for a reason.

You have every right to feel like you're in danger, everything about what you describe is strange and part of a pattern.

Go to the police, if no other reason than to add legitimacy to any complaints you make in the future.

Tell your ex to sack up.

Buy a security bar for any entrance to your home: https://www.amazon.com/Master-Lock-265DCCSEN-Dual-Function-Security/dp/B0002YUX8I