(Part 2) Best products from r/LifeAfterNarcissism

Ooh, this is the post I've been waiting for! I've found bibliotherapy to be very helpful in my healing.

For understanding abuse: Understanding the Borderline Mother

This NPD website

For healing yourself: Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

Adult Children of Abusive Parents





And, what you were really asking for: Full Catastrophe Living

Complex PTSD



You wrote:
>Still, I can't maintain a positive or calm feeling state for more than a few minutes, I feel constant anxiety, I am easily provoked, I get easily upset or angry, and I stay upset for hours or days to come, despite all the work I've put in.

This sounds familiar. What I've learned is that it's hard to build new neural pathways when you're stuck in the old feelings of panic. Re-wiring the brain means practicing being in a state of calmness, and the more time you spend there, the easier it will be to get back. So anything that makes you feel calm, even momentarily, is something you should practice. It's ok if you can only feel it for a short time!

My therapist used to tell me, "Get yourself calm, by ANY MEANS NECESSARY!" I think he was suggesting I get high. ;-) What worked for me was to a little meditation, yoga, and spiritual practice, and a lot of locking myself in my house alone with all the blinds drawn. It was the only way I could feel safe for a long time. I wonder if all the activities you've been doing are, paradoxically, stressing you out more? Maybe giving yourself permission to do less would help?

Hope my super long post is helpful! Good luck, OP.

Much of my knowledge about this is from reading good stuff on the subject. Relationship principles books and such. As I've done what I can to identify specific instances of each book's content in people I know, I've been able to build a better understanding of how people "tick."

Here are some examples of good ones, likely you've heard of one or two:

http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0671027034


http://www.amazon.com/The-Laws-Power-Robert-Greene/dp/0140280197/

http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797

http://www.amazon.com/The-Habits-Highly-Effective-People/dp/1451639619/

I've also read a whole bunch of Christian-authored material on the subject (both high and low quality) but I think some of the language/theological content gets in the way if it doesn't match a person's life-philosophy going into the book. I can share those if you're interested though. =)

I thought there was some evidence to suggest that things like mindfulness and meditation do actually physically change the brain and rewire it? Not sure if that's a medical fact or not but I googled rewire brain and found some books on Amazon, this one has good reviews. I think you need to search for terms like neuro or neural and plasticity.

>"...a child who grows up to unconditionally love those who conditionally love them."

>>"It feels safe to be with selfish, self-centered people because they know what to do with those people"

I'm stunned. I had to stop the video several times to allow myself to process feel the memories that his words brought to my mind. Thank you for sharing this video.

I found his follow-up video on stages of codependency recovery to be very helpful as well https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ytq51GMsd8w.

Has anyone read his book, Human Magnet Syndrome? I've seen it mentioned before but I haven't pulled the trigger on purchasing it yet. I'm rethinking that decision now though.

Edit to remove Reddit. You guys know that mom can teach her to avoid the bad parts and go with the good parts of the Internet, right? The person in question is at least 13-14, and that's old enough to start making decisions about what content to consume online. Obviously crap like r/incels is bad. I wasn't suggesting she go to r/incels, or red pill, or clop or spacedicks was I? No. Sooner or later OPs daughter will need those skills so that it's not a complete shell-shock in college when she gets free reign of the internet. Both of the subs I originally listed are pretty tame compared to the darker parts of Reddit.

As for books, she's at a tough age right now. This Book is A. MAY. ZING. It saved my ass a lot as a teenager. It didn't keep me from entering abusive relationships, but I at least had the tools to recognize and escape them. It has all sorts of stuff. Life stuff, sex stuff, relationships, how to take care of your body. It's an amazing book.

First, hugs offered.

I have a suggestion, a book I thoroughly enjoyed.

"Flourish" by Dr. Seligman

Learning to move forward from trauma and living a positive life.

It's possible, I feel it's the root of my own problems. I've been reading this book: http://www.amazon.com/SexSmart-Childhood-Shaped-Sexual-Transform/dp/1440159343 I'm not finished with it yet but it's been pretty good so far.

Positive Parenting: An Essential Guide (The Positive Parent Series) https://www.amazon.com/dp/0143109227/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_MnDmDbY5NG61G

This book has been an amazing tool for helping me heal my heart level hurts, recognize patterns, and make changes.

I'm quite late to this thread but I've gotten some value out of this book. The writing is a little stilted but the information is useful: http://www.amazon.com/Adult-Childs-Guide-Whats-Normal/dp/1558740902

Have you ever looked into cognitive behavioral therapy? It helps change the tone of your negative inner narrative but it does take some work on your part. I'm not 100% better, but it helps.

Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy https://www.amazon.com/dp/0380810336/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awd_oAdAwbYB9BHWR

https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Marshall-Rosenberg/dp/1892005034

I really recommend the above book if you are thinking about how to communicate directly and clearly, it really helped me.

I just want to add that therapy was very hard for me to utilise, until I read some of the literature aimed at therapists. Before that I expected them to understand, and to be able to fix my issues. Reading the literature for them made me realise that they are just people, who might have no real understanding or empathy for what I am going through, but they will provide a human connection, listen, probe and manage my emotional excitement.

I don't really have a book recommendation for this, but I read this one (https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/082615641X). It served its purpose for me, but I wouldn't generally recommend it, as it is really blunt, has a bunch of triggers and repeatedly made me cry. It is aimed at the therapist, and explain many challenges that the therapist and client might encounter like transference and projections. It also pointed out how the client experiencing transference can be good, if managed properly, because it will trigger similar feelings as your caretaker, but this time the client sees that the person triggering the fear is not actually dangerous.

Also, Van der Kolk has some really good online articles on trauma therapy.

Personally I wouldn't have been able to do this alone. But I won't say others can't.

http://www.loveisrespect.org/healthy-relationships/setting-boundaries/

Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud

There is a whole series by Dr. Cloud about boundaries in all aspects of your life, as well as how to identify healthy and abusive people. His books have a definite religious tone to them, but they are valid resources nonetheless.

Hope this helps.

Here are the books that I think will give you the knowledge of what's going on, and tools to manage it.

1. Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller. This was THE BOOK that started to set me free. It's a must read book for people with narc/abusive parents and their partners, in my opinion.
   
2. Toxic Parents is a classic about how to see the manipulative patterns from abusive parents and get free of them.
   
3. Wolf in Sheep's Clothing by Dr. George Simon. Man has a PhD in manipulation, and breaks down what the manipulators DO and how to shut it down. He's studied this for 20 years and it's AMAZING.
   
   If you read these three books, you'll be so far ahead of the game it's not even funny.

This happens to me too. --hugs-- all the time. Have you read the book 'Will I Ever Be Good Enough?'

https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436

Shameless plug for you guys to check this book out. My counselor recommended it to me. It's so simple and forward and has totally simplified my life.

I'm NC with my nMom.....and I'm allll out of fucks to give for anyone who wants to give me their 2 cents on the issue.