Best products from r/LifeAfterNarcissism

Are we the same person?! Thank you SO SO MUCH for sharing this! Words can't even express how much I relate to and appreciate this post.

A few things I've been loving during this (alarmingly similar) crucial, formative time:

1. Podcasts! [ Dan Savage's Savage Lovecast] (https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/savage-lovecast/id201376301?mt=2) has been a game-changer; his down-to-earth, uncompromising commitment to true love and compatibility has given me a whole new perspective on the scarcity models that kept me in shitty entanglements for wayyyy too long. Non-relationship related ones (when you just need to take your mind off the guilt/regrets/invasive thoughts) are Star Talk with everyone's favorite Neil D. Tyson, The Read (if you're into hilarious & sassy commentary on life, pop culture, etc.) and NPR TED Radio Hour.
   
   
2. Books (and audiobooks)! Self-help types are awesome (This and This are specific to Flea management) and anything by Brene Brown, Pema Chodron, or Eckhart Tolle. BUT best of all: awesome novels with self-determined leading ladies! Just finished Daughter of Fortune by Isabel Allende which was fantastic.
   
   
3. Intentional Self Care: Mindfulness meditation, Yoga, journaling, deep conditioning hair/skin treatments, pedicures, book clubs, working out, cooking/baking, watching documentaries, eating ice cream, ...whatever your thing is, at any given moment, DO IT. Take allllll that love and kindness and give it to yourself. Try new things you've always wanted to but didn't have time/energy/money for because of your relationships. Make that bucket list your bitch, and if you ever feel guilty/foolish, remember that (in the words of Siddharta Gautama: "You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection").
   
   
4. Re-connecting with old friends or people you've drifted away from during the relationship(s). If you're like me, you've never felt drawn to deepening those relationships or investing in them as you would with a dude. Now is the time to change that. Now is the time to create entirely new paradigms about who your support system is, and what relationships help inform/define your reality/sense of self. Letting yourself be really seen by good girlfriends who accept you, love you, and hold space for you is the anti-N.
   
   
5. Develop a very clear checklist of warning signs that you can refer to when you're ready to date again. This does mean taking an honest look into your past and identifying triggers or key moments where you recognized that you were being co-dependent/abused/neglected (for me it's that moment when my adrenaline flickers up and something just feels a little...off/thrilling/romantic/scary, depending on the circumstances). Make this internal forensic investigation a form of self-care and healing, and schedule something fun for right afterwards (ex: sitting and thinking/journaling for 15 minutes and then watching a comedy on Netflix right after). The fact is you will most likely be drawn to N's your entire life, so be prepared! Know your triggers, know what to look for, tell your girlfriends, and get enthusiastic about giving anyone who shows those signs the boot. Not "willing" not "able", but enthusiastic, because every time you shut that shit down, you're defying the odds and giving a big "F U" to the N who made you vulnerable to similar bullshit.
   
   
6. Get a very clear image of what you DO want in a partner. Meditate on it, get very clear on your priorities, and KNOW that you don't have to settle for anything less. This doesn't mean yearning for a man. It means manifesting the love you deserve and prepping yourself for the (rather alarming) experience of letting yourself be loved by someone amazing, whenever the universe is ready to provide him. Don't put a time frame on it. Just believe in it as an inevitability.
   
   Whew! That's it for now, but I shall return. Again, thank you so much for opening up this topic. :)
   
   
   
   

I'm not sure how recovered I am, but here's what's happened so far!

• Before learning about narcissism (from age 18 till 2.5-ish years ago): depression, anxiety/panic attacks, suicidal ideation, procrastination/workaholism (two sides of the same coin), total codependent & people pleaser, hated my life situations but thought it was me being stupid and turned it inwards.
  
• (2.5-ish yrs ago) Went to therapy for the depression. Learned about how mean I was to myself in my head. Read this book, and began to learn how to talk to myself kindly. Learned that it was okay to like/want things just because, and that me having needs doesn't have to hurt others. This was mostly in very superficial ways, like pursuing the desire to learn how to knit.
  
• Moved, went to another therapist who, after a month, gave me tons of book suggestions to read on narcissism. My world was CHANGED. (Many of these books have been referenced on RBN... is there a list somewhere?) Read read read read about narcissism. Started to pull back from communication with parents. (Had talked more than once a week at that point.) Felt uncomfortable but I was realizing how I felt when I talked to them.
  
• On a visit with Nparents, got up the courage to act differently and notice what happened. They threw tantrums. Within 2 months I was NC with both of them. I was terrified. Kept going to therapy, kept reading, then switched to group therapy that's focused on dealing with interpersonal conflict within the group and overcoming your conditioning.
  
• 7-8 months after NC, admitted to myself that my career wasn't a good fit for me, started researching what would fit me best, looked into going back to school. A huge burst in my vitality and joy. Stopped worrying about my parents, despite the NC. In the meantime, kept working on changing my communication style, saying what I need, not worrying so much about what others think and controlling for their approval - I was practicing this with my husband and with my friends.
  
• As of January 2015: started school, and my world opened up being amongst my peers again (adults in a 10-year span around my age, mostly). I am seeing how wonderful many people are. I'm paying attention to discerning what I like and don't like about others, and am trying my best to not worry if others like me, and am worrying more about being authentic to what I value, because I now know that by doing that, those who are well-matched for me will self-select. This has all caused me to peel back the onion again, and now I'm realizing how incompatible my husband and I are, and how much I chose to be with him because I was desperate for love, and needed someone to love me. I'm thinking about this a lot, and also continuing to pursue what feels good in other areas of life, so that I keep listening to myself.
  
  I'm not sure if you're asking for advice, but here are the things I think are most important in recovery:
  
  
• find some way to put what you learn into action. Think of concrete ways to test out new ways of relating at work, or with your friends. Join a support group that encourages self-reflection and personal responsibility (not the kind where you take responsibility for MORE than your share, but for your own behavior). It will feel super scary and risky, but the reward for the risk for me has been bountiful.
  
• pay very close attention to your own feelings when interacting with others. Think more about your own discernment than about what others think of you. Trust that you'll love yourself and you'll be loved even if you aren't perfect.
  
  And yes, I need to take my own advice, and yes, I need to say those things to myself every day. :-P
  
  I hope that helps! I'm not sure if there's a post with all the great RBN book suggestions, but if there isn't, just tell me and I'll try to comment here with some that have helped me.
  
  (edit: formatting)

She should not be on Reddit. Like, nowhere near it lol. This is the site that has neonazis, r/incels, and is under investigation from the 2016 election. The place is a cesspool, and I've had unspeakable things sent to me from 'innocent' questions.

Keep her far away.

On the other stuff - has she tried comics? I haven't read Archie comics, but that might be something up her alley. Zines might be a thing to look into, as well. Here's some that I've found https://www.sweetcandydistro.com/kids-teens--parenting-zines.html (Maybe your local library has some? I don't really know how these things work.)

Something like Sailor Moon is pretty cutesy and fun, and I remember Cardcaptor Sakura having the theme of boyfriends, fun, and emotions/school, without it being too overbearing/heavy like other animes. Perhaps cutesy/fun stuff would fill the gap, and not be too graphic and 'real', while also being safe and informative. One thing I remember liking from that age is the Bone series https://www.amazon.com/Bone-Complete-Cartoon-Epic-One/dp/188896314X, and Hi Hi Puffy AmiYumi (which has a comic series, as well as a TV show, I think), although that might not be informative at all, just something for fun.

I've also found this http://www.heroicgirls.com/the-best-all-ages-comics-for-girls-in-2015/ which might be a good resource. The site itself might also have some other good resources for you, as well.

Good luck!

A few things I've learned that help...

​

1.) Get a therapist, check your insurances coverage first.

- After that you can find some that specialize in what you need, email a few to see if it would be a good fit for you. This website (Psychology Today) is like a google search for mental health help.

2.) Focus on self love and self care make a morning, nightly, and weekly routine. Commit to having "me time." This is just like making sure you have three meals a day.

- Make a special day/night for yourself once a week. Think if you were going on a date with your crush and all of the things you would do to make it so special, but that date is with yourself!

3.) Read Codependent No More

4.) The more you work on yourself, the better you can empower others by just your own [radiant] positivity; by this you are prioritizing your needs first always.

- This is a personal belief I have found through everyone from athletics to artists. I've learned the most in life from people who have improved their own situation to the fullest, and they never stop!

5.) Strictly only be friends with people that support you!

6.) Read You can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay.

- It's saved my life! Some of it is a little funny but just look at the overall message of what she's trying to say.

​

*I'm going through exactly what you are night now and it feels like you will never get out of the cycle, but you will! It takes a lot of time and pure commitment and belief that you will get better!

​

Much love to you! ❤️

I use a lot of lists. I keep a lot of them on my phone (in google keep), but not, for instance, groceries (which I keep on the fridge instead).

Also, keeping a journal helps. Sometimes, I'm tracking numbers (like if I want to lose weight, tracking calories/water intake/sleep/etc.), but most of the time, it's just a place to write down things that happened, or vent my feelings, or keep track of my larger-scale projects/goals. My memory is crap, but keeping track of things on paper helps.

Trying simplifying what you can in your life. Don't be afraid to prioritize your needs. I like looking cute but clothing is a huge hassle for me, so I have like... 9 outfits? maybe. And sometimes I get multiples of the same outfit. It just saves a lot of stress if it's one less decision I have to make.

If you try using a day planner (like google calendar), don't forget to schedule in: meal times, leisure time, sleep, and exercise. Take the time to do these things correctly, and take them seriously when it is the time for them. Be patient with yourself, and take care of your body. If you find yourself doing something that's not worth your time.. just put it down, and walk away (I used to play video games for hours every day, or watch TV). It's okay if you want to pick it up again later, if you feel you have something to learn from it or it will help you grow, but make sure it's on your terms and fits into your life the way you want.

Lastly, when I'm working I have this method.. I'm sure it has a name but the thought is that you're either doing something right now, or not doing it right now. Since you can only reasonably do one thing well at a time, list out everything that needs to be done, then pick one thing to work on right now. At a good stopping point, take a break (for you), and then come back and re-assess which priority is most urgent, then do that "right now". It helps me cut down on anxiety and worrying about all the stuff that has to get done.

Some of this might not work for you, but I hope this helps. If you want to read more about this sort of stuff, I'd recommend this book. Best of luck.

Hi CaseyD123,

I'm sorry to that you are struggling right now. It looks like you've had a lot of good advice in the other comments, but I wanted you to know that you aren't alone.

I am also raising a very intense 3-year-old with only the help of my husband. We moved away from our home state 5 years ago to start a life away from my toxic family and we have no help here. I am a SAHM but I also work from home and run the house. My husband helps as much as he can, but IT IS HARD! Our child is very challenging and it's difficult when there is no break, it's either him or me. We also don't have a normal support system and I often fantasize about living in the type of familial community where everyone is watching everyone's kids, then at least you can have a minute to yourself. Unfortunately, that is not the reality.

I also have Complex PTSD which, I think, is what you might mean about being "haunted by terrible memories." Those are called flashbacks. If you aren't familiar with Complex PTSD, I highly recommend reading Pete Walker's book or checking out his comprehensive website. Understanding and getting treatment for the PTSD has helped a lot with that helpless/struggling feeling.

You are also doing a great job by asking for support!!! Please feel free to PM me if you'd like. I'd be very happy to talk with you some more. What you are doing is so hard, but try to remember that you are very capable and that you can make good decisions. And we are here for you.

Hugs if you'd like them!

so sorry i didn't see your reply :(
What helped me when initially cutting the cord. I was not living at home, as I was at uni. This also meant i had an excuse to give myself, as i needed to give time to studying, not messing around with my mum's drama. i had a friend who let me stay over when I initally stormed out, with our parents permission (honestly can't remember why my own mother would have been giving permission, but i can remember her being involved.)

I focused on the pragmatic stuff for a while, and just listened to music about dysfunctional families like Because of You by Kelly Clarkson and got emotional and stuff, grieving I guess, but not very effectively. I also managed to contact university therapists too. I felting like a huge spoilt fraud, but determined to use free support whilst i could still access it. the first therapist was awful and made me feel like i caused all the problems, the next one i saw was lovely and really pragmatic and logical, not cuddly, just great at putting stuff into perspective, which i really needed, because (remember, i'm 19 at this point and emotionally kinda immature for my age) it did feel a bit like the world was ending. I didn't like having to come to terms with the mess of my family relationships, and i didn't have much structure for understanding it. I only saw her like 5 times, but each time I felt a whole load stronger and more confident. realistically her advice wasn't perfect (it was good through, all about realistic boundaries), but just feeling like there could be a way forward was really positive for me.

Eventually I did also end up reading a book, on my phone, which helped me find the words, and although it didn't exactly match my experiences, it still made me feel less alone, and strong enough to visualise a future. I found it by accident and for free as a pdf, from someone I was following on tumblr, which coincidentally is what helped me realise that my relationship with my mother was unhealthy as well.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Legacy-Reclaiming/dp/0553814826

Another major step was moving out again after I finished university and tried to be back at home...having my own place, and doing that despite it meaning having far less money, showed me how unhappy home and my mother had been making me, and how important my independence (emotionally and fiscally) is to my happiness. I had tried to seek out private but discounted therapy, then realised it wouldn't solve the bigger problem. That was from reading a particular article (that i now helpfully can't find or fully remember) which emphasized that you can't help someone whilst they are hurting you, and that you needed to get out. It was about romantic relationships I think, but I kept going back to it. It was that, and then having a particularly low moment after yet another fight, that decided me.

Sometime afterwards I realised that low contact is what works for me. Before then, I'd get enmeshed, be devastated, then vow no contact. Then feel guilty and lonely, give in, and the cycle would begin again.

More recently, I learnt more about personality disorder, and how to respond with empathy and boundaries, which was helpful, and very extremely recently, I've started to believe my mother is on the autistic spectrum, like my siblings, my father (not diagnosed but quite typical of a "high functioning" autistic, he probably would be diagnosed if he was younger), and possibly myself (not diagnosed), this made a huge difference and let me have a really good christmas for the first time in forever. I kinda let her do her own thing now and don't worry too much about her being upset (either with me or in general), I avoid talking about trouble spots, and if she does get upset I do not engage with that an inch more than is justified (i still sometimes apologise, but it's okay if that's not enough for her, and i think that's the key thing.) I don't expect much from her, and I parent myself, e.g tell myself supportive and unconditional things that she doesn't (i believe can't) tell me. I can enjoy her company and her life a bit, without feeling too involved in it. I kinda watch (the car crash) sympathetically but passively from afar now.

Sorry that's really long, take what you want from it, it was good to write this stuff out, i haven't written it out since i used to write it on tumblr and she would ring me about it getting upset. lol.

best of luck with your situation, which is individual and unique to you. one month later, how are things??

Lurk Pinterest (moderately)

Clean as per UFYH's guidelines: http://unfuckyourhabitat.tumblr.com/

For more advanced cleaning: http://www.amazon.com/Boyfriend-Barfed-Handbag-Things-Martha/dp/0142196932 <-- this author posts stuff on Jezebel / Deadspin every now and then, so you can read some tips for free

Watch Hoarders & do the opposite of what the subjects on the show do (my folks are hoarders & this show helps me recognize that and how to not fall into the same patterns)

We lost a lot of storage space moving into a new place so my boyfriend & I had to buy some new goodies for storage and we're still working out the kinks. Everything we bought came from Ikea, basically, but if Ikea stuff is too pricey you can probably get knock-offs for the most common organizational furniture (specifically the Expedit/Kallax unit. That is particularly useful, and some diverse storage boxes will fit inside. I am particularly fond of the Rubbermaid Bento boxes. http://www.rubbermaid.com/Category/Pages/SubCategoryLanding.aspx?SubCatId=Bento&CatName=Storage Target sells a couple of knock-off Expedit/Kallax imitators that work just as good although I think they fit smaller sub-containers.)

I keep a lot of small knick-knacks in the expedit units; we have some drawers for them that organize smaller goodies. I get like, little decorative boxes for the coins & our glasses wipes & keys.

Boyfriend found that installing shelves was actually not too hard to do. I didn't expect that!

This can all get very expensive though.

Measure your storage space though - I'd really like to upgrade my clothes storage but I can't right now because I can't seem to find that perfect fit.

This is really a tough one because you don't have any sense as to how people really see you, that's been distorted by abuse. In my case when I was small, my nMom used to introduce me to people as a storyteller and just sometimes flat out said no one could trust a word out of my mouth. It's been decades, but it continues to have an effect on me, but it is slowly getting better.

What I've learned is to realize a few things. We are all so hyperconscious of our outer personas/masks (and we ALL wear them, even "healthy" people) that we forget to actually pay attention to other people. So all those things you worry about? No one is really paying attention, they are too worried about how you see THEM. The people that can get through the masks to the painful parts underneath are either genuinely nice people who want to know more about you, or narcs that want to manipulate and use you. No wonder there is a cause to be wary when you can't easily tell the difference.

I've found for me, the part of the cure is to ask questions and be interested in the answers, even if my brain wants to panic and doubt people's motives. Also, a big issue is that you have no social skills. None. They've been obliterated or were never allowed to be learned. So, learn some. I've found this book to be very helpful - 92 tips on how to talk to anyone.

The trick is to take just one of these tips and PRACTICE. You aren't going to be a social butterfly overnight, but you don't have to accept a life without friends, either.

It's also really, really important not to see any one person who has offered you friendship as a lifeline. If you only have ONE friend, then their impact and importance to you (earned or not) escalate in your life and you become the kind of person other people want to avoid or use. Make LOTS of casual friends, see them as trials and stick with the ones that make you feel the best about yourself.

And if someone turns out to be a jerk or just plain uninteresting after you get to know them a bit better? Use your new-found skill at establishing boundaries and move on.

It's a little more dangerous with work friends, especially with someone who has authority over you - I would continue to be outwardly friendly and work my ass off for your senior associate. You already want something from her (a pleasant working environment and a good reference) that may not survive diving down into your paranoia, so ask questions about her work experience and listen to her answers, leading into more questions. Keep it professional until you feel more confident, and practice your social communication tips. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

It's never easy doing something that you are afraid of. Remember, other people are afraid, too, and the only way out is to find out who they are and what they want by asking questions and being interested in the answers.

I can highly recommend the book "Rethinking Narcissism" by Craig Malkin. There are some excellent recommendations in there for identifying Ns along a spectrum of N behavior, and how to deal with those that aren't full blown psychopaths. The ones that aren't too far gone do have the ability to empathize! But you have to be the grown-up and gently shepherd them in that direction.

https://www.amazon.com/Rethinking-Narcissism-Bad-Surprising-Good-About/dp/0062348108

Maybe it will be possible for you to return to work with this Nboss (using coping strategies from the book) while you are still looking for other work.

Whatever your decision, good luck to you, and internet hugs if acceptable. :)

Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach (Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha) get the audio book - I’ve found this great for people who are afflicted by anxiety. I have the audiobook and then loved it so much I got the paperback version as well. She’s just great in general and there’s a section on dealing with a parent with NPD.
Op, you are worthy, you are loved and you matter.

I highly highly highly recommend this book. If you can afford it get it from Amazon or go to the authors website message boards. This book is what finally helped me understand narcissism in a relationship.

That’s great that you blocked her on Facebook. Block her everywhere and go no contact. That’s the only way I got over my narcissistic ex. Now I’m in a relationship that’s 1 million times better. Better is out there but you have to cut your emotional ties with her!

I picture it like this. If you have tendrils of energy reaching out toward her, it’s going to prevent you from meeting somebody great.

I made a calendar and crossed off for every day I did not contact him. It was really really hard for about eight days and then it got easier. I gave myself a reward every five days I went NC.

We’ve been broken up 2.5 years and I STILL sometimes feel a strong urge to stalk his social media and see what’s going on with his new wife because I really want them to have problems! Which is so selfish because she’s a kind woman and she deserves better. But I distract myself by coming on Reddit or doing something else!


Psychopath Free (Expanded Edition): Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships With Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People https://www.amazon.com/dp/0425279995/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_tJB3AbK2355YY

We are two peas in a pod here.

Much like what you've described, I too have also chosen the hardest route possible, while trying to maintain some semblance of my own personality. No matter what, there's a plaguing feeling that I need to feel hardship in order to feel accomplished.

I wanted to be a photographer for my entire young adult life. For years, I spent time out in a park nearby our home, with a course catalog to an art school where I would later be accepted. Only a week before I was supposed to attend, my NMom drove so hard into me with guilt and anxiety about my chosen profession, that I caved and went into the traditional academia. I later graduated on a path to law school, but dodged that bullet and am now headfirst into a creative career. Still, I'm not exactly where I want to be with it.

I just said to my partner today, in the midst of a grief-crying, that I feel as though I've left myself behind a long time ago. I've taken on positions that make me, purposely, anxious and frustrated because that's the only emotion that makes me feel like I've made any progress. In my family, if there is no struggle, there is no achievement.

Recently, I've been working through a book called "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron (http://www.amazon.com/The-Artists-Way-Julia-Cameron/dp/1585421464). If you aren't an artistic type, don't worry – this book transcends the techniques of art and really drills down into some of the core feelings behind childhood guilt, shaming, gaslighting, and how to begin treating yourself with unconditional love.

It sounds nuts, but her voice throughout this book resembles the type of mother that I always wanted. One who supports me in my creativity, and nourishes my thinking instead of sabotages it.

Although I'm far from recovery, it has REALLY helped me gain a new perspective on who I am, what I enjoy, and that pain is not a prerequisite to happiness. That said, I'm having a terrible day today, so know that settling into your true self for the first time in your life will come in stops and starts.

Let me know if you end up buying the book. I would love to cheer you on as you go!

Lots and lots of therapy. I've been in therapy for awhile now and have turned out pretty Okay. It was a lot of hard work to stop those narc actions in their tracks and try to reform what I was doing or saying in a non-narc way, and begin to think like the gentle person I know I can be.

I too, have some pretty awful behaviors. I discovered that my parents were pretty racist and while I thought I wasn't, I had some pretty awful thoughts about certain groups. So I've tried to subscribe to a few subreddits to change my ideas. I won't give any examples because I don't feel like getting roasted in my inbox.

I've mostly stopped being entitled. This has come more with learning to budget and being able to buy stuff for myself. That way nobody owes me anything, I just get it for myself. My husband and I have even eliminated our system of chores so that there are no points or "I did more than you did" or "you owe me these dishes". We just picked chores and only do those.

I think the bitterness is less Narc and more C-PTSD. I could be entirely off base there though! I've found the more aware I am of the situation the less I do it. I still have my bad moments.

I would read Pete Walker's book on C-PTSD if you haven't already. Not everybody who experiences abuse will develop C-PTSD, but some do. Also I've found /r/CPTSD to be particularly helpful.

Most of all, though, I wish you luck. The journey to not being a narc is full of self-doubt and struggle. But the mere fact that you recognize these behaviors as bad usually means that you're on the right path. True narcs will find nothing wrong with anything you listed. I know for myself it has been a struggle of paying attention to certain things that seem "off" and trying to be more self-observant. But I'm way better today than I was a year and a half ago when I left my family. Which was already much better than say, when I graduated high school. And good lord, if I can escape the clutches of narcissism, I think anybody can.

Here is a great translation of Simmel's best works.

You should be able to get that pretty cheap if you hunt a little. Even if you don't read/understand the whole thing (you won't, Simmel's an odd thinker. I like him a lot, which explains me a little), focus on his pieces about "The Problem of Sociology", "Exchange," "Domination," and "Conflict."

If you're in to understanding sexy stuff too (who isnt!?) try his "Prostitution" or move on to Foucalt's A History of Sexuality. That book is like 150 pages of mind fuck about how people form ideology about sex.

Edit Here is the Zizek video on They Live if you hadn't found it. It's the quintessential starting point for his philosophy.

Ooh, this is the post I've been waiting for! I've found bibliotherapy to be very helpful in my healing.

For understanding abuse: Understanding the Borderline Mother

This NPD website

For healing yourself: Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

Adult Children of Abusive Parents





And, what you were really asking for: Full Catastrophe Living

Complex PTSD



You wrote:
>Still, I can't maintain a positive or calm feeling state for more than a few minutes, I feel constant anxiety, I am easily provoked, I get easily upset or angry, and I stay upset for hours or days to come, despite all the work I've put in.

This sounds familiar. What I've learned is that it's hard to build new neural pathways when you're stuck in the old feelings of panic. Re-wiring the brain means practicing being in a state of calmness, and the more time you spend there, the easier it will be to get back. So anything that makes you feel calm, even momentarily, is something you should practice. It's ok if you can only feel it for a short time!

My therapist used to tell me, "Get yourself calm, by ANY MEANS NECESSARY!" I think he was suggesting I get high. ;-) What worked for me was to a little meditation, yoga, and spiritual practice, and a lot of locking myself in my house alone with all the blinds drawn. It was the only way I could feel safe for a long time. I wonder if all the activities you've been doing are, paradoxically, stressing you out more? Maybe giving yourself permission to do less would help?

Hope my super long post is helpful! Good luck, OP.

Hugs, I do that all the time. Healthy parenting is supposed to instill a jiminy cricket-like inner voice in the child, full of positivity and reassurance to help them thrive as adults. Unfortunately Nparents do pretty much the opposite, creating a toxic inner monologue of criticism and negativity. The key to fixing it is to identify the negative self talk and work on replacing it with the positivity and reassurance over time. There's a book, From Surviving to Thriving and a website both by Pete Walker that really helped me work on the negative self talk that may be of benefit to you.

your sis seem very "flying monkey" right now. Grab a really good book/ use google on N and educate yourself and your family (spouse). When you do have to face, practice observe and not absorb
https://youtu.be/Io15t9V5bXc

I like this book (in no way endorsement, google is best free option IMHO),
https://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Narcissists-Nightmare-Narcissist-Supplying/dp/152370246X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1482654502&sr=8-1&keywords=Becoming+the+Narcissist%E2%80%99s+Nightmare%3A+How+to+Devalue+and+Discard+the+Narcissist+While+Supplying+Yourself