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Hey.

I may be wrong but you sound pretty fed up and angry. I hope my post can help, but I almost have a feeling you're even fed up with this thread and our responses.



14 years? Was she always like this? I have a feeling the advice I've written below is something you've already tried. I also posted some great resources. I really recommend listening to Season 1 of the StayMarried Podcast. (together.)


She doesn't work... does she literally sit around all day? Is she caring for children? What is she doing?



It seems incredibly unfair that you are working all day and she isn't pitching in.



Have you had a talk with her regarding what it takes to run your household and where you need her assistance? A KIND talk? A loving talk?



"Babe, can we talk tonight when I get home? I think we should talk about some things, and get on the same page. Feel free to think about some things you think we should talk about too, I might bring up cleaning and responsibilities, but I want to wait until I get home and we can speak face-to-face.


Babe, I really love you and I care about our happiness and our marriage. For so long, I feel like I've been putting in a lot of effort regarding chores around the house and going to work every day. The pets need to be cared for, etc... and I feel when my energy is low I become angry and unkind. I hate how crabby I get when I'm home. It's not fair to you. Do you feel the chores around the house are divided okay or do you feel they are a little unbalanced?


I feel they are unbalanced. What are some of the chores you enjoy doing better than others? What if you focus on those? Like Laundry? You can fold clothes while you watch a tv show, so it's not so boring. Dusting is also something you can do while watching tv. What if we put a tv or something in the kitchen? (make cleaning fun for her?)


If you agree to doing these chores, I can agree to managing our bills/finances. I think this will really help me to be more calm when I get home after a day at work.


Babe, I also wanted to say this before we are done talking. To me, sharing responsibilities, is very important to me. Please consider this agreement we made, a promise, together. When you help me out at home, I feel LOVED. I feel cared for and respected. I feel like we have a true partnership. When you are by my side helping me, I feel so dang good.


How are some ways I can help you? What are some things you need from me? I really want us to be a partnership and I really want to reexamine if your needs are being met as well.


It's odd to me this has been going on for 14 years? You might need counseling? Also, if you have to have this talk with her every 2 weeks, keep trying.. it takes TIME to create HABITS. She won't change over night. <3 Good luck!


Some of my favorite Marriage Resources that I picked out for you:


Discover your love languages love language Quiz

His Needs Her Needs Book: How to Affair Proof Your Marriage


Idea of the "Love Bank"-Verbage for how you're feeling within your marriage (helps communication)



#staymarried Blog & Podcast


A Sermon YESTERDAY(ironically) I attended that discusses: LOVE being a CHOICE and Meeting EACHOTHER at least 51%. (Sermon starts at 1:19, feel free to skip to 9:50)

It's tough to offer any kind of advice for your situation because you talk in a lot of generalities.

However, my wife and I have struggled quite a bit over the last few years and it sucks. I feel like things are getting better, but there are always mis-steps even on the up-swing.

If your wive really has checked out, there's not much you can do. It takes two to make a couple.

However. You can work on yourself. In so doing, you might find that it helps your relationship. Or it might not. But even if your relationship falls apart, you will be in a much better space to cope with that and move on -- as difficult as it seems right now.

So, here's my suggestions ... things that I have been doing and reading over the last couple of years that have really helped me.

1. Stop looking at all the things she is doing wrong. Focus on what she is doing right. This is tough and requires a huge shift in thinking and an even bigger thinking around letting go of your ego.
   
   
2. Every day do something to show some appreciation for someone in your life. One person every day. Say thank you and tell them what they mean to you. This will help you focus on more positive things overall. Include your wife in this, though she doesn't need to be the focus of this every day.
   
   
3. Be honest with yourself and her. Can you give her what she wants. There are some things that I just can't give my wife. And some things she can't give me. How important are these things? And are there other ways to get them?
   
   
4. Adopt a meditation practice. Download the Headspace app. It has a nice introduction to meditation. It has helped me immensely.
   https://www.headspace.com/
   
   
5. If you don't exercise, start. Personally, I enjoy weight lifting. Try Strong Lifts if you can. It's a simple program that will show fast results.
   http://stronglifts.com/
   
   
6. If you don't eat healthy, start. There are so many diets out there. Even if you just start eating smaller portions and cut out snacking, you'll see some positive results. That's where I started. I eventually started doing the Alt Shift Diet. Yeah, you can call it a fad diet or whatever. I don't care. It works for me and that's the key -- find a diet that works for you.
   http://altshiftdiet.com/
   
   
7. Read How to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk. Great advice that applies even when you are talking to adults.
   https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1474568476&sr=1-1&keywords=how+to+talk+so+kids+will+listen+%26+listen+so+kids+will+talk
   
   
8. Read People Skills. This is a great book on active listening and conflict resolution. Helpful in so many situations.
   https://www.amazon.com/People-Skills-Yourself-Resolve-Conflicts/dp/067162248X
   
   
9. Read this post and some of the posts that follow it. Incredibly insightful
   https://np.reddit.com/r/sexover30/comments/538uat/mismatched_couples/d7r5hys
   
   
10. Read Never Split the Difference. Another great book that is geared more toward business negotiation, but has been a great help in my personal life. I can take the time to understand someone else's perspective without letting go of mine. Also great to help assert myself better in my relationship. His description of active listening was also helpful.
    https://www.amazon.com/Never-Split-Difference-Negotiating-Depended/dp/0062407805/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1474568493&sr=1-1&keywords=chris+voss
    
    
11. Read Come as You Are. A great book on women's sexuality specifically, but it's really about sexuality in general. It's backed by a lot of research. Has a lot of insight into human sexuality. Great reading. Helped me understand myself and my wife better. (Goes beyond the typical High Libido and Low Libido stuff that I always found less than helpful.)
    http://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1436544375&sr=8-1&keywords=come+as+you+are
    
    
12. Do stuff on your own. Go out with friends. Go to the movies by yourself. Make sure both of you get breathing room away from each other.
    
    
13. Be honest. If you feel something tell her. You don't have to be mean. But do be honest. "You are making me angry right now, can we talk about it later when I have calmed down." "Your tone sounds rude and condescending. Please talk to me like I am an adult or we can wait and talk later." This one is tough and statements should be made from your perspective rather than made as statements of fact.
    
    Anyway, those are my suggestions and have helped me immensely. Take what you think will work for you. Ignore the rest.
    
    Best of luck!
    

>My wife and I have been married for 16 years.This April my wife told me she wasn't sexually attracted to me anymore and all intimacy has stopped. I didn't know how to take this as I am in good shape, better than when we met. I have my hair still, I haven't lost my sense of humor, I still work hard make good money and take care of our kids. I don't drink, smoke, gamble, cheat, blow money, or abuse of any kind. I have tried making life really special for her for the last six months with lots of dates, trips, gifts, compliments, surprises, back scratches(all normal activities for us but i increased the frequency)...etc you name it. None of this seems to be working to help restore her attraction.

None of that creates any sexual desire or attraction, it only provides comfort.

Look, you are doing EVERYTHING the world tells you to do and none of it is working. You are the picture perfect husband, the world says they are attractive and their wives want them but here we are. She dosent and it's getting worse. She wants you even less.

>Here is what I want to know. Has anyone else gone through this and come out with a better marriage, either with therapy or without? I especially want to hear from the wives

This is a problem. You don't ask fish how to catch a fish. You want the wives to answer? How about you ask a man who has turned something like this around.

>reading this so I can better understand. And the second part is, what can I do?

stop trying. You come across as needy and sexually thirsty. It's very unattractive.

>I am in love with this woman and have been since the first day I met her

And yet she cares so little for you a task that takes less than 30 min, is important to You, and feels good is out of the question.

>and although she tells me she loves me too, this cannot continue like this

That's because she dosent love you. Love is when a person's interest and desires match their partners. If she loved you and desired you she would be fucking your brains out. Her desire is to stay married because she wants to maintain her lifestyle

>Any advice or experience please! I can answer any questions as well.

Yes read this book. You might hate some of the stuff in it. It will explain why your wife lost her desire and attraction to you and how it's your fault. The good news is you fucked yourself that means you can unfuck yourself.

https://www.amazon.ca/Married-Man-Life-Primer-2011/dp/1460981731

Linked this like 5 times today. This is a very common problem. I have been on both sides of a deadbedroom.

>Telling him to be romantic just ruins the purpose..
>it has to be spontaneous and natural and he has to use his initiative.

I understand why you think that way, and wouldn't it be nice for him to spontaneously do everything you like. However this is a factually incorrect response to human psychology.

Here's why: all of our brains process and respond to stimuli differently. Honest truth. There will be some things in life that are incredibly obvious to you, and yet he won't be aware of them at all. And vice-versa, and THAT can be one of the most powerful things in a marriage where each complements the other. You sense what he does not, he senses what you do not.

So the little romantic things you're dreaming of? I'm sorry, but his brain didn't serve them up as a response he should do. But that doesn't mean it's a fatal problem, it only means that this is something to tackle in your relationship. He's not a mind reader either, so yes, you literally need to tell him the things you like, while carefully listening to the things he likes. Not in a nagging way, but in a "we're better together" way.

To help you, there is a popular book titled The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman that points out which of the 5 each of us want. You appear to desire 'words of affirmation' while he might desire 'physical touch'. So here's some homework for both of you to get started: there is a free 5 Love Languages Online Quiz or else a paper Downloadable PDF that both of you can do to learn what each of you craves. With that knowledge, he and you can begin to work to fulfill those needs for each other.

But yes, you really do need to tell him. If you're in this for the long haul, over time he'll get much better at it, eventually knowing you better than you know you.

If you haven’t done so yet, have look at r/adhdwomen (I highly suggest reposting there too) and r/adhd. I also highly recommend this book on ADHD in women by Sari Solden.

Honestly, I feel you! I really do! I understand how overwhelming the situation might feel for you. Am I wrong in saying that the clutter around the house just adds to your mental clutter? Does it make it almost impossible for you to relax? For me, at least, that’s exactly what it does. And you what, you did everything exactly right. You had your ADHD addressed and took charge of your treatment! You not only relied on medication, but you used all the non-medication tool at your disposal to learn the skill that you may not have had. Really, you did a fantastic job!

Have you discussed ADHD with you husband? Does he have a good understanding of what it is and how it presents in you? Have you explained how the state of the house is difficult for you to deal with? Having a supportive partner is very importance and it can make a huge difference.

While I agree that most of those things are your needs and that it should be up to you to address them, the care and maintenance and cleaning of the house isn’t only your responsibility. It’s yours and your husband. The list that you carry in your head constantly is what we refer to as the mental load. That one isn’t an ADHD thing, it’s a women thing. It seems that we’ve been socialized to carry it, while men haven’t, and this can make things even harder for women with ADHD: we are not good at organizing, starting and completing tasks, etc. Even with medication, it still requires more effort and work than it should.

I have been having a similar problem with my husband recently (his therapist also strongly suspect he has ADHD — which is not helping). The difference between us is that he doesn’t carry the a mental list, and the fact that things aren’t done or done to 80% doesn’t bother him. It also doesn’t add to his mental clutter and prevent him from relaxing, like it does to me. So, right now, I’m completely mentally exhausted, which makes it even harder to relax. But, we’ve agreed that, when I come back from my much needed vacation later this month, we’ll sit down and come up with a system. For me, this system
needs to have items that will become entirely his responsibility and these items will have to have “due dates”. By them having due dates, I won’t have to ask him to do them. Also, note that his items will be done on his schedule, not mine. So, if something is bugging me on Tuesday but I know it’s to be done on Thursday, I can deal with that.

We’ve also agreed that we’ll give this system a chance until after the Holidays. If it doesn’t work, then he has to get over the discomfort at the idea of us paying for a cleaning service! I will not keep exhausting myself over this.

One more thing, you talk about asking your husband to help you get your kids on a routine and making sure the follow the system you’ve put in place. I cannot stress how important that part is. Like it or not ADHD is genetic (at least in part) and there’s a good chance one of your kids might have it. Routines and systems are ESSENTIAL to ADHDers. They are life savers! But, even if your kids don’t have ADHD, these are great skills for them to have. In any case, having them follow a routine and stick to the systems will be a huge help to you. You’ll know where things are, when things need to be done, and you won’t spend your time looking for backpacks, folders, coats, etc.

This may sound harsh, but you're here because you lead your family here.

The good news is, if you can wrap your head around what that means, you have the means to lead your family out of it.

Couples that wind up where you are are usually in a situation that is extremely fixable, and very easy to do if both are willing to do it. This is also one of the easier situations for one spouse to start out alone, and eventually show the other spouse that there is a possibility to rekindle their intimacy.

You wound up here because one or both of you didn't make each other or the marriage a priority. Most couples that drift like this often look like this: The husband focuses on career and financial success to support the family, the wife focuses on raising the kids. One or both begin to elevate those roles above their roles as spouse. When that happens, the connection begins to weaken, and resentment or distance begins to build in its place.

Since you are a child of divorce, I doubt I need to spend much time convincing you that repeating your parent's selfish choices is a really bad idea. Divorce is the absolute last resort, after all other options have been considered, tried, and exhausted. Do not believe the myth that media and society have developed around "divorce is okay, kids adjust." People adjust after nearly fatal car crashes, too, but I don't recommend running full speed into a bridge abutment on your way home tonight.

Trust me when I say this. I meet with couples a lot who struggle with similar circumstances. The ones that realize they are not unique and are struggling with very fixable issues and lean into it find that they are able to get back on track in very short order. The ones that think there is no hope, and that throwing away their family is the best way to get to "happiness" wind up going through a lot of emotional and financial heartache for no reason at all.

My advice: Seek couples counseling, and go into it with an open heart and an attitude of "I want to fix this no matter what. Divorce is not an option." Show that attitude to your wife throughout this process, show her your heart, and I guarantee you she'll respond. Go through the motions, have little enthusiasm for it, or be skeptical of the outcome, and you'll get out of it what you put in.

I also recommend reading these books:

• Love and Respect: This book turned my marriage around, and is responsible for I don't know how many couples restoring their marriage after years of drifting apart.
  
  
• The 5 Love Languages Another great book that helps you see the world from your wife's perspective--and her from yours.
  
  For the sake of your kids, don't choose divorce--at least not yet. Become the family leader they've all been waiting for and show them the way out of the wilderness.

Dude, your wife just had a baby...it's going to be hard for her to adjust (physically and emotionally) to that. Life will be different, but you can still have a good sex life. Make sure you communicate your feelings to her and tell her it's important to you to have a good sex life because it helps you connect...not just for pleasure.

If she's resistant to that communication then I would suggest some couples therapy. You can also check out the books "[For Men Only] (https://www.amazon.com/Men-Only-Straightforward-Guide-Inner/dp/B0035G04Q6)"
for you, and "For Women Only" for her.

It's a view of men's and women's perspective on life, love and sex. It helped me better understand how most women view sex and how that's different from myself. My SO also found that she understood my needs better and our sex life has improved tremendously.

Just wanted to reiterate some of what CritFailingLife said. As a woman, I've also noticed that the less I have sex, the less I feel interested, and sometimes my boyfriend and I have to sort of "restart" my sex drive. We both know that, though, so it's not too contentious to talk about it or to sort of "go through the motions" to get back into it. I didn't realize other women (or people in general) have this issue until I read this thread, but I'm not surprised.

I don't think anyone should feel like they are obligated to have sex, but at the same time I think sex is an important part of a relationship, and it's not right to go on forever (or for a long, long time) without having sex and expect your partner to just suck it up. I absolutely agree with what everyone else here has said--you should not go looking for it somewhere else because that can be the death knell of your relationship.

However I also really agree with what others have said about how you should wait until a neutral time and talk it over with your wife. Communication is everything. It helps my boyfriend and I understand each other and take care of each other, so it's good in itself. As a bonus, I also feel most likely to want to have sex when I feel my boyfriend and I really understand each other, so that's just another reason to talk things through.

Ask her why she thinks she's not very interested in sex. Ask her what role she thinks sex does or should play in any relationship, and in your relationship specifically, especially over the long term. Ask her if there's anything new she'd like to try in bed, anything she'd like you to do differently. She may be shy or reserved about some of these questions (I have no idea--it varies from person to person) but at least it can get her thinking about it.

Finally, awhile back my boyfriend and I read these books (one for men, one for women) together. They are Christian-based, and we are not Christians, but we still found them very interesting. You're supposed to read them separately from each other (hence the titles) but we actually read both together, taking turns reading to each other while we did other things around the house, and it sparked so many great conversations.

We didn't agree with every single thing in the books but they had a lot of good points, and there were some chapters on sex, and how men and women sometimes approach it differently. I thought it was very helpful--I felt like I understood my boyfriend better after reading it. I'm not saying that every man and woman fits the pictures painted in these books, but I expect many do, so maybe that would help too.

Your not asking to much at all. If what you wrote was true you are a high value male.

Guess what! Good news for you! In 2018 with dating apps like tinder and bumble, pussy is worthless, it's everywhere for free.

You know what has value? You know what ALL woman are after? The commitment of a high value male like yourself. A commitment from you is the Stanley Cup of womanhood.

You have all the power and all the value here, you just can't see it yet.

Men are the gatekeepers of commitment, woman are the gatekeepers of sex. Sex is worthless now.

You should read this book, it will explain everything about your wife. It will change your life.

https://www.amazon.ca/Rational-Male-Rollo-Tomassi/dp/1492777862

The person who needs the other the least in the relationship has all the power.

Your so close, look your doing everything the world is telling you to do. You treat her like a queen, yet your life sounds like it's getting worse the more you try and accommodate her. The matrix is glitched already.

Good luck man.

If the book helps you, play it forward like me.

You don't sound like a spoiled brat. You want him to put thought and effort into speaking your love language. To him, gifts are just stuff. To you, they're an expression of love, intention, and care. You want him to care about the thought behind gift giving instead of "here ya go if I remember" and moving on. Talk to him about gifts being your love language. Think about picking up a copy of The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts. A lot of people recommend it and it seems to really help with that kind of communication.

Have you guys tried marriage counseling? When my husband and I have communication problems we go see a counselor even though there isn't necessarily a huge problem because a third party perspective really helps. AND we stop the problem from getting bigger.

There are times when my eyes have been opened to what my husband needs from me, a vice versa.

My husband and I don't have a bunch in common, either, but we really love each other for who the other person is, differences and all. I personally would be bored to death if I was married to a male version of myself.

If you are going to keep trying than maybe instead of just doing the day to day "being present" do something more. Trying to work things out doesn't just mean staying in the relationship...

It might mean going to the library and checking out some marriage books, it might mean talking to a counselor, it might mean hanging out with married couples whose marriage you admire and asking them what they do to keep their relationship fresh.

I really like the analogy of marriage being like a plant; if you don't water it, it dies. What are some ways you can water your marriage?

I personally have found these books to be helpful:

http://www.amazon.com/Sacred-Sex-Spiritual-Celebration-Marriage/dp/1578564611

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1591451876/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1463151033&sr=8-1&pi=SY200_QL40&keywords=love+and+respect&dpPl=1&dpID=41DFeUoMm1L&ref=plSrch

http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

Good luck!

Edit: you mentioned her not having many friends, and her forcing you to not have them. Maybe that needs to be revisited. People shouldn't be isolated. We all need friends, so maybe set up one day a week for you to go out, and one day a week for her to go out.

She may not take you up on that offer to go out with friends, but I will say scheduling in the hobbies and friend time every month keeps my husband and I so much happier than the times we forget and don't do it.

> I've tried to be more spontaneous and do nice things and be the best husband ever, but I feel like what I don't do is payed more attention to than what I actually do.

You might try reading The 5 Love Languages.

tl;dr: people express and perceive love differently. You've got to show love in a way your wife values in order for it to be appreciated.

Personal counseling is best, but there are a lot of other resources you can turn to.

I highly recommend The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk.
He does a great job of explaining why trauma continues to affect us even when we have rationally come to understand and explain what happened.

An abusive childhood creates a number of issues that make it impossible to have a healthy relationship until they are resolved. The cycle you mention is a cycle of abuse. Good for you for recognizing it. You learned it in your childhood and will keep repeating it until you get some resolution. The work you've done has helped, but there is more to do.

Traumatic bonding is an important subject too.

I could go on but you get the idea. Youtube is a favorite of mine because there are a lot of personal stories from those who've been there and are doing much better now.

You may or may not save your marriage, as you've said, but this is worth it just for yourself. Trust me. You have lived with so much pain for so long you don't even recognize it anymore. Once you start to resolve some of these things you'll feel the burdens lifting. It's really wonderful!

Source: childhood with narcissistic father lead me to keep seeking out narcissists and eventually marry one (who was abused in her childhood). Destroyed me in many ways. Doing much better now!

You don't like our health care system? You think it's better south of the border? You know how broke you would be if you guys were in the states?

She's sucking a metric ton of resources our of our health care system.

An 8 hour run in the er with children with you is about as much parenting pain as one can take. The situations you describe are a living nightmare. I can relate, I'm Canadian and have done it myself.

You need to stand up to your wife for your own reasons, she's bullying you emotionally. This type of behaviour form your wife will proablly manafest in your kids in a couple of decades.

You should read this book, it's not about being a dick, it's about aserting yourself in a health way. It's full of communication exercise that make me want to throw up but they are gold for most people. This book has helped a lot of men just like you.

https://www.amazon.ca/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339

You should definitely check out this one as well, fantastic read.

https://www.amazon.ca/When-Say-Feel-Guilty-Systematic-ebook/dp/B004IK8Q22

If you find value in thoes books make sure to play it forward and help another man. It's why I'm here.

Thank you for your response. We do that as well with the Walmart grocery app. She would never agree to the food delivery idea simply based on money. We're doing better financially than ever before but we're also 10 days away from closing on our first home and I'm sure she's nervous about it all.


I'm reading a book, titled Equally Shared Parenting, and just the first chapter is great. We probably won't do everything they suggest but there are some great ideas they have. We've been so accustomed to our gender roles that she feels swamped but won't let go of it either. I'm hoping I can convince her to read it.

​

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0030CHFSK/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_U_q9A2Cb23PVV24

Man, I am sorry but you sure have not been getting the correct information and are even twisting others.....

Responsive arousal ONLY kicks in during sexual contact, that is literally how responsive works. So the fact that you said that means you actually don’t know the difference or types.

Now yes your correct if she was to find a new guy her libido would temporarily increase but this is due to peer bonding and attachment base. This has nothing to do with monogamy. I’ve been with my husband 16 years and have always had a really good ex life because we both have spontaneous arousal.

Please read comes as you are

> Spouses who try to be friends are the ones who end up falling out of love

If you're interested in seeing some research in this area, this is a good book. The author is a professor of psychology at the University of Washington who studied something like 700 marriages to try and figure out what makes marriages "work". The marriages with the least amount of divorce and the highest satisfaction had a great friendship at the center of it all. So - keeping up a friendship is very important!

Also, when it comes to love - love is an action, not a feeling. I love my spouse, so I serve her - I prove my love by what I do, not what I feel. Feelings come and go but my ability to make a choice to put her first and put her needs above mine remain.

I literally cannot recommend this book enough! Please read it together! You two will need to establish some boundaries on what interactions with parents look like now that you are married and what each person is comfortable with. His reaction is somewhat justified in that he may see that you are still viewing your parents as your immediate family when your immediate family is now with your husband. Your reaction is also justified in that you love and care for your parents and talking to them keeps you healthy. From there, with the book, you can decide where to draw the boundaries.

I am a stay at home mom and I have two young kids, and it's hard, but dang dude, I really feel for you man. Maybe you should check out Married Red Pill. Do you think maybe she is repeating patterns that her mother may have precedented? I was starting to act like my mother early on in my marriage and I knew I did not ever want a marriage like my parents. I wanted to be happy. On my own accord, I read a book called "why can't you read my mind?"
https://www.amazon.com/Overcoming-Thought-Patterns-Loving-Relationship/dp/1569244758

It helped me learn that I was trashing my husband in my mind to myself and we were ganging up on him and I was lashing out at him because I had made myself think he was this jerk. (Does that make sense?) I would tell you to suggest it to her, but she would probably try to rip your balls off. I also recommend "Boundaries in marriage"

https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Marriage-Henry-Cloud/dp/0310243149

Maybe if you bought the books for yourself, and she saw you reading them, maybe she would be more open to reading them. It wouldn't hurt for you to read some stuff too. She kind of sounds like she has NPD, but that might be jumping the gun somewhat. Good luck dude! If you don't do something you are gonna be miserable.

I purchased this for my wife and when I know she needs some attention and care I pull it out, turn the lights down low, put on some soothing music and some candles. I spend about an hour massaging her which means I only spend maybe two hours out of my day and it makes my wife extremely happy. Thats a great trade off to me. Not only does her body feel better but she knows that I care and that I see her stress/struggles/tiredness which I think means the most to her.

On top of that, bringing home flowers for no reason what so ever is always a good thing.

I'm not saying the chorus of "man up and move on" is wrong, but to add a different perspective: Have you ever wondered WHY you've felt so trapped, felt the need to escape, and felt the need to get married in the first place?

Oftentimes, I feel like feelings of dissatisfaction have more to do with what's happening internally rather than what's going on in a relationship. If there are some core issues with dissatisfaction that need to be worked out, you'll only bring those into your next relationship (if you pursue other relationships in the future). It's easy to run away from something, but much more difficult to run towards something.

Two things that might be worth doing before breaking the news to your wife, just so you can be sure of yourself:

1. check out the book No More Mr Nice Guy to see if any of that resonates with you
   
   
2. see a therapist to explore the drivers of your dissatisfaction to ensure it's your marriage and not something else going on.
   
   You may find that there are other ways to assert yourself and realize your need for freedom within your marriage. If not, you can at least be confident you've done your due diligence before disrupting your life.

You can go through a book like this one. https://www.amazon.ca/101-Questions-Ask-Before-Engaged/dp/0736913947/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1538347316&sr=1-1&keywords=101+questions+to+ask+before+you+get+engaged

I also recommend premarriage counselling. It can help make sure that you have a plan and that you are looking at your plans objectively. From the sounds of it neither of you have had to financially support yourselves. I would suggest agreeing on a budget and see how that impacts your relationship. Can you make a realistic budget? Can you make a financial plan? Practise living according to a budget as if you were living on your own. If your parents don't charge you rent then put rent money in savings. The savings can be used for a wedding, or down payment on a house.

Sit down together and develop a shared vision based on your shared values of what you want for your marriage, your family and your life. If you are both feeling the same way neither one of you are really hearing the other person or being heard by the other.

I'd also recommend you both read the book His Needs/Her Needs Willard Harley as a part of this process by .

Comparative sex drives is a very common topic over at /r/sexover30. I've recently been learning about a lot of this myself. You can find various different threads on the topic already, but some of the best advice you'll be given is to read Come As You Are. It's very common for partners to have different libidos, and the book does a good job of explaining why, and how to address it. I'm still mid-book with my wife at the moment but we already understand each other a lot more.

Two books that are extremely helpful in understanding what other people need are the 5 love languages https://amzn.to/34p8kiz and the 5 apology languages. https://amzn.to/2pAFPj5

Your being used for resources and support you poor fucker. Read this book, it will explain everything.

https://www.amazon.ca/Rational-Male-Rollo-Tomassi/dp/1492777862

Your the beta bux.

That baby daddy is the alpha fucks.

Why would she show any appreciation to somone who kisses her ass and bends over backwards to make her life easier. Would a queen express gratitude to a servant? Would a CEO / business owner express gratitude to a front line worker?

The way you treat her and act around her sends HER the message that you are below her and she's acting accordingly.

A woman will never value a man that dosent value himself.

You expecting and NEEDING gratitude from HER, makes you a low value, needy, pathetic excuse for a man. It's also a covert contract, Google it.

Read the rational male, Knoledge is Power and you need some.

The five love languages is a script that drys out vaginas. Stay the fuck away from it.

No kidding, you need to get this book for both himself and yourself.

He's behaving exactly like a "Nice Guy." If you don't want to get the book, then you can listen to this.

Let me know if you have any questions. Stay strong!

Hey man this book will explain why your wife is the way she is. It's perfect for you right now, you need a distraction.

https://www.amazon.ca/Rational-Male-Rollo-Tomassi/dp/1492777862

Your story is not unique at all man, it's been told a thousand times.

Many men have gone through exactually what you are going through.

Read that book.

Good luck.

So far as I can tell, u guys got a whole lot of problems. I love how you see it as "our" problem instead of just "his." You guys also seem very committed to your marriage, which yields nothing but respect from me. Therapy is definitely a great step, CBT and mindfullness training helped me and my marriage a ton. My best advice is to keep at it, and to set hard boundaries. This is a problem that you can overcome, but you have to let him know where the line is and stick to it. Him throwing temper tantrums in front of the kids seems like it should be over that line, so make it so. I know it's hard, but you guys are taking the appropriate steps to solve it. It will take time, pain, tears, and a host of uncomfortable converaations. But I promise you that you all will be the stronger once it's over. Here goes a couple of resources that helped me and my wife out through a similar situation. I also read a few PTSD books, which although he may not be diagnosed with, it is a very well established branch in psychology with great resources and tips on how to identify and control anger outrages, depression, and a breakdown in self confidence. Hope this helps!

https://www.amazon.com/Clinicians-Guide-Mind-Over-Mood/dp/0898628210
https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454

I think your wife needs a wake up call. It sounds like she's in a funk and letting the stresses of life get to her and she's taking you for granted. Something is bothering her and it likely has nothing to do with you. The fact that she is a different person on vacation without the everyday life is very telling. She may need counseling to uncover what her issues are and make peace with them - I know this is much easier said than done. To me, it seems like she's hurting somehow and taking it out on you which is affecting your marriage.

I read this book and it was eye opening for me. I got married fairly young to my college boyfriend so I didn't have a ton of experience with men and especially mature men. My boyfriends had all been teenagers when I met them. For Women Only. I think your wife needs to be scared you're going to leave (assuming that would crush her) and then read this book. There is a version for men regarding women as well if you both wanted to read them at the same time - For Men Only.

Have you read anything by John Gottman? His research on which marriages last and which end in divorce is pretty solid. He is able to identify specific behaviors which, if done often over time, lead to divorce.

This book sums up the core of his findings, and will give you (and your fiance) concrete tools to determine if you have a solid foundation with each other. It might provide you with a more objective lens with which to view your relationship.

This is a good book: 101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged https://www.amazon.com/dp/0736913947/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_ITewDb5PQ4HJX

A doctor named John Gottman coined this phrase. His book is excellent:

https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0553447718

He did research to see if he could identify couples who would divorce based on how they interact. Spoiler: he could.

If a person has a toxic interaction style, they either need to change or to find someone who can tolerate it. Criticism is a hard one to change because it's about feeling powerlessness and greed, two very powerful human emotions.

Once you see it that way though, it makes it easier to avoid.

You should read MMSLP.

I think it will help.

read His Needs/Her Needs . It will give you a good idea of how affairs start and you will realize that, in the journey towards an affair, they are starting at the halfway point. When your marriage has a rough patch, and it will as they all do, she will be there to offer him an ear and sympathize. It doesn't take much to imagine where that ends up. I would suggest you both read the book and discuss it, maybe even lead him to place where cutting her out becomes his idea.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553447718/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_lgIaBb372YD2T
The seven principles for making marriage work by John Gottman

Make him read this book
http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

Here's her website. You can order the book on amazon

Make sure you arm yourself with Knoledge. You have the right idea, don't get married.

Make sure you read this:

https://www.amazon.ca/Rational-Male-Rollo-Tomassi/dp/1492777862

If you work on yourself and stay single until about 35, magic happens.

You are so lucky to make the mental association between everyone's unhappiness and marriage. It's such a horrible mistake. It's as retarded as sharing needles with a junkie.

Embrace your masculinity, spin plates.