(Part 2) Best products from r/Marriage

It's tough to offer any kind of advice for your situation because you talk in a lot of generalities.

However, my wife and I have struggled quite a bit over the last few years and it sucks. I feel like things are getting better, but there are always mis-steps even on the up-swing.

If your wive really has checked out, there's not much you can do. It takes two to make a couple.

However. You can work on yourself. In so doing, you might find that it helps your relationship. Or it might not. But even if your relationship falls apart, you will be in a much better space to cope with that and move on -- as difficult as it seems right now.

So, here's my suggestions ... things that I have been doing and reading over the last couple of years that have really helped me.

1. Stop looking at all the things she is doing wrong. Focus on what she is doing right. This is tough and requires a huge shift in thinking and an even bigger thinking around letting go of your ego.
   
   
2. Every day do something to show some appreciation for someone in your life. One person every day. Say thank you and tell them what they mean to you. This will help you focus on more positive things overall. Include your wife in this, though she doesn't need to be the focus of this every day.
   
   
3. Be honest with yourself and her. Can you give her what she wants. There are some things that I just can't give my wife. And some things she can't give me. How important are these things? And are there other ways to get them?
   
   
4. Adopt a meditation practice. Download the Headspace app. It has a nice introduction to meditation. It has helped me immensely.
   https://www.headspace.com/
   
   
5. If you don't exercise, start. Personally, I enjoy weight lifting. Try Strong Lifts if you can. It's a simple program that will show fast results.
   http://stronglifts.com/
   
   
6. If you don't eat healthy, start. There are so many diets out there. Even if you just start eating smaller portions and cut out snacking, you'll see some positive results. That's where I started. I eventually started doing the Alt Shift Diet. Yeah, you can call it a fad diet or whatever. I don't care. It works for me and that's the key -- find a diet that works for you.
   http://altshiftdiet.com/
   
   
7. Read How to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk. Great advice that applies even when you are talking to adults.
   https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1474568476&sr=1-1&keywords=how+to+talk+so+kids+will+listen+%26+listen+so+kids+will+talk
   
   
8. Read People Skills. This is a great book on active listening and conflict resolution. Helpful in so many situations.
   https://www.amazon.com/People-Skills-Yourself-Resolve-Conflicts/dp/067162248X
   
   
9. Read this post and some of the posts that follow it. Incredibly insightful
   https://np.reddit.com/r/sexover30/comments/538uat/mismatched_couples/d7r5hys
   
   
10. Read Never Split the Difference. Another great book that is geared more toward business negotiation, but has been a great help in my personal life. I can take the time to understand someone else's perspective without letting go of mine. Also great to help assert myself better in my relationship. His description of active listening was also helpful.
    https://www.amazon.com/Never-Split-Difference-Negotiating-Depended/dp/0062407805/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1474568493&sr=1-1&keywords=chris+voss
    
    
11. Read Come as You Are. A great book on women's sexuality specifically, but it's really about sexuality in general. It's backed by a lot of research. Has a lot of insight into human sexuality. Great reading. Helped me understand myself and my wife better. (Goes beyond the typical High Libido and Low Libido stuff that I always found less than helpful.)
    http://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1436544375&sr=8-1&keywords=come+as+you+are
    
    
12. Do stuff on your own. Go out with friends. Go to the movies by yourself. Make sure both of you get breathing room away from each other.
    
    
13. Be honest. If you feel something tell her. You don't have to be mean. But do be honest. "You are making me angry right now, can we talk about it later when I have calmed down." "Your tone sounds rude and condescending. Please talk to me like I am an adult or we can wait and talk later." This one is tough and statements should be made from your perspective rather than made as statements of fact.
    
    Anyway, those are my suggestions and have helped me immensely. Take what you think will work for you. Ignore the rest.
    
    Best of luck!
    

> I'm not deep down feeling happy or feeling fulfilled.

Feeling fulfilled comes from within, not from others, not even your spouse. You need to figure out a path of fulfillment. This is best done within marriage so don't think you need to lose a spouse in order to "find yourself"

>I'm craving to have the romance of love, the excitement of loving and making love with someone else.

This is stage one pseudo-love that you're pining for. It is fantasy love. Go ahead a ruin your marriage for the very short-term gratification of these feelings. Conscious loving is what mature adults do in a long-term relationship when this infatuation and animal attraction phase inevitably ends. It's why your husband still loves you so much, not because you're "an attractive woman". My wife is approaching 55 years and doesn't look like she did when I married her at 20, but in my eyes she's more beautiful now than when she was 20 because my love for her has only deepened over the years. Apparently you've never really learned how to truly love. Loving your husband is what you have to choose to do. It's never automatic after stage one ends.

The third stage of loving is "Intimate Communion" which is what stage one infatuation thinks it is but you have to pay the dues of the Stage Two "Learning to Love" phase first.

Go ahead and find a new guy but just remember you're going to end up in the exact same place approximately twelve years from now unless you learn how to love. You've got a head start with what sounds like a great guy and a lovely family so I don't think giving up now would be your wisest move.

Of the hundreds of relationship books I've studied in the last 5 years, I think the one I'd recommend to you is The Exceptional Seven Percent: The Nine Secrets of the World's Happiest Couples by Gary Popkov

I'm no expert on the matter, but I've been married about 13 years and some of the things you are saying I completely relate to. Here's some advice from someone who knows what you are going through, and still struggles with it.

Giving is crucial, you mentioned massages that you give her weekly, that is good. However, if you are giving only with the hope that it will turn her on or an attempt to have sex with her, it will always always backfire on you. Learn to selflessly give without the expectation of something in return.

You mentioned the compliments on how sexy you think your wife is and how you pinch her behind from time-to-time. Being married for a long time that stuff loses its luster and if you are hoping it will turn her on or lead to sex, it will turn your wife off even more.

You mentioned cleaning every day after work. That is awesome, but like I said, if this because she needs it and you hope it means she will be interested sexually in you, then you are doing it for the wrong reasons.

Don't get it somewhere else. This might be the hardest thing for you to not do. I understand, I'm a guy. I've had these struggles too, but I'm telling you, it will destroy you, speaking from experience. You made a promise to the woman you love, and that promise is more important than any pornographic web site or strip club can provide.

Think about what it is you want when it comes to sex. Is it purely a physical release? Is it that you want to connect with the woman you love. Evaluate and ask yourself when you do make love, is it all about getting what you want?

Lastly, not talking about sex with your wife is probably the most damaging, because your sexuality will 'leak out' in other ways, which as I previously mentioned can destroy you and your marriage. The reality is, she probably doesn't see it the way you do, but if she really loves you, allow her some flexibility as she changes. Setting ultimatums will NEVER work.

I think in the heat of the moment, you and I want this fixed right away, we think, we've been married several years and this has gone on long enough! But the reality is, people don't change over night. Even though my wife is still struggling in this area, we have had to make a lot of conscious changes in how we deal with it, because neither of us like fighting about it. Your wife probably feels guilty that she isn't more interested. If you are truly committed to her for life, then you are willing to do what it takes. A successful marriage isn't easy, but it is definitely worth it.

There are a GREAT DEAL of resources regarding high and low desire when it comes to sex in marriage. I would suggest the following:

The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michelle Weiner-Davis

There are several marriage related podcasts that cover this topic in great deal as well.

ONE Extraordinary Marriage has a great podcast. This is a married couple who shares their story that is very similar to what you've expressed.

Sexy Marriage Radio Doctor Corey Allen and Shannon Ethridge are both marriage counselors and have amazing perspective on this topic.

I hope this helps. I know how you feel in terms of loneliness. It's not easy, but it is worth it in the long run. My wife and I have set an agreement that we will have sex 2x a week. She is supposed to initiate with me on 3 of those days, and on the next 3 days, I initiate. We have one extra day where sex isn't necessarily on the table for either of us. I use the time I initiate to really try to connect with her and focus on her needs sexually. I also spend time discussing earlier in the day so she has time to prepare for the idea (springing it on her doesn't work). When we do have sex on my days to initiate, they aren't really geared to my sexual needs, but satisfying her is very fulfilling. One her days to initiate, she spends time focusing on me and things I enjoy.

Now it doesn't happen like this every time, and sometimes a quickie is all we can do since we're both tired, but it has HELPED tremendously. 5-7 years ago we were having sex less than 10 times a year, and now we're 1-2 times a week. We get along much better, neither of us feel the pressure that not having sex causes, and you're not having to worry or wonder if/when you're going to be intimate with your spouse.

This is not abuse but he is a jerk. My mom is an occasional smoker and knows most people hate the smell, herself included. Here are the products she uses:

Sprays:
Fresh Wave Odor Removing Spray - works like Febreze, spray across the room, natural product, can get smoke smell out of clothes, couches, carpets, etc. really nice product, eliminates well.
Zep Smoke Odor Remover Aerosol Spray Commercial Smoke Odor Eliminator - more heavy duty spray, doesn’t have a strong smell but is a bit more chemical obviously. This is what we used first before we found the Fresh Wave natural products. Works well on clothing, carpets, couches, and also odors in plastic containers like garbage cans.

Gel/Candle:
Fresh Wave Odor Removing Gel - natural ingredients, lavender scent, good for small spaces like the bathroom or kitchen, perhaps the living room as a background odor eliminator. You may prefer a candle, but this doesn’t require you to remember to put it out and with a toddler I’m sure that’s helpful.
Just Makes Scents Smoke & Odor Eliminator Blended Soy Candle - there are tons of candles that work for smoke odor elimination. It’s just a matter of finding the one you like. My sister got my mom this one and its a nice smell without being overpowering. It’s also a soy wax candle and is more environmentally friendly than other brands.

Air Filter:
Pure Enrichment PureZone HEPA Air Purifier

• this is more of an investment but if you feel like your whole house smells smoky, this would be a good item to consider. Works really nicely in living room sized space but you could also move it to the bedroom or nursery.
  There are lots of other filters like this. I’m just choosing the one my mom has because I know it works.
  
  Charcoal Bags:
  California Home Goods Air Purifying Bags - these charcoal bags are awesome for stinky shoes but also work on coats and coat closets and small spaces like vehicles. My mom wears one coat and one pair of “garage shoes” to smoke in and those are left outside in the garage. We put these in her shoes and the coat’s pockets and it’s helped a lot.
  
  Another option:
  Ozium products are really good but the things linked above are generally more natural. Since you’re pregnant and have a little one, you could use Ozium in your husband’s vehicle or in the garage but I wouldn’t recommend them in the house right now.

How long have you guys been married for?


I can only help from personal experience. And I could be right/close or I might not be right at all regarding your wife.


I've been married 5 years and still think about my exes at times. I loved them but I knew they weren't people I wanted to marry and spend my life with. I think I struggle with /r/limerence and perhaps your wife does too. Thoughts, dreams at night still include exes even though I don't want them to!


The fact that your wife is looking into exes (this deeply, to the point of separation,) etc... and dragging you around for this ride of hers is totally unfair and mean!


I am hoping that this is something she can get out of her system ASAP. She needs to learn about "love" versus "emotions" possibly. It's a lesson I have been learning over the last 1-2 years for myself. It takes time, but I am trying to be happy/content with the wonderful life I have. "Grass is greener where you water it" type deal.



Your wife possibly hasn't closed the book on her past, but PERHAPS you'd be willing to walk this journey WITH her. You seem to truly love her and seem committed to your marriage. (I am in awe of that, as your love and commitment is inspiring.) Your wife could possibly just have baggage. Baggage that she wants to naturally hide from you, because her baggage has to do with.. exes... and "what ifs" regarding them. What if you provide an environment for her that she doesn't have to hide from you and work through her thoughts alone and she can open up to you?


We have to get her to see that:

1. No man or relationship can make her happy. Not you, not those other guys. She has to find contentedness on her own.
   
2. You and her, together, can work on your Love Languages, fulfilling each others needs to the best of your abilities, filling each others "Love Banks" and perhaps you both can find a reignited love and happiness together. (I'll post some resources below that have helped me.)
   
   
   I suggest, like the other 2 posters, that you continue counseling (so you both can learn and grow together during this season.) She should get whatever is going on with her OUT on the TABLE, dig deep, get nitty-gritty! Even though it hurts! And it could hurt you too, a lot. Try not to let it, try not to take it personally. It's a war within her mind and heart. You seem to be a great guy. She just has to get over this hump, educate herself, and TRY with you. Put in some effort on her end!
   
   
   
   If she is willing to TRY with you, I suggest you stay. Give it a year? with no.. "side-guy behavior" if that is what you want from her.
   
   
   
   My husband and I got this baggage of mine out on the table about 3 years ago. I even fell for a new dude (who I'm still limerent with, but we stopped talking and I know he'd be horrible for me... I just struggle with limerence...) But my husband and I had to TALK about it. I had to tell my husband "what I was getting from the other guy that I wasn't at home, etc." Those topics were hard for my husband to hear, but he listened and he still listens when I have a tough day now, 3 years later. Limerence STAYS with a person.. it's terrible and I don't wish it on anyone, especially people who are married.
   
   
   
   Anyway, He's been my friend THROUGH this. I love him even that much more for it, and we've been doing so great in the last 1-2 years!
   
   
   Resources for Couples:
   
   

• Boundaries in Marriage
  
• His Needs Her Needs: How to Affair Proof Your Marriage (The book my husband and I bought the second I realized I was having an emotional affair.)
  
• The 5 Love Languages Quiz
  
• Love Bank Verbage
  
• #staymarried Podcast: How to Get Your Marriage Out of a Rut
  
• #staymarried Podcast: The Simple Romance in Staying Connected
  
• A Sermon YESTERDAY(ironically) I attended that discusses: LOVE versus EMOTIONS (Sermon starts at 1:19, feel free to skip to 9:50-marriage without bible back ground.)

I am also a newlywed and this seems extremely odd.

If she is willing to read books about relationships then I have a couple for you.
http://www.amazon.com/For-Couples-Only-Eyeopening-Insights/dp/1601422482 This set of books "For Couples Only" is also known as a 2 book set "For Men Only" and "For Women Only"

These books have a lot of great information but they mostly explain how men and women view romance differently. For men love and respect are directly tied. However for women love and respect are different.

Another great book is http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Begins-Kitchen-Creating-Intimacy/dp/0800731174/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1408654197&sr=1-1&keywords=sex+starts+in+the+kitchen

This book at a glance looks like a steamy sex book but it isn't exactly what you think. This books basically talks about for men and women both a sexual relationship is more then just actually having sex. It talks about how all your actions will effect your sex life.

There is a famous saying "Women need to feel loved to make love and men need to make love to feel loved" I don't think she may understand that you are not feeling loved.

The true secret to a great relationship is this. Love isn't necessarily always about lifting the person up but its about not tearing a person down. Her actions are tearing you down.

If you want more advice feel free to PM me.

Have you guys tried marriage counseling? When my husband and I have communication problems we go see a counselor even though there isn't necessarily a huge problem because a third party perspective really helps. AND we stop the problem from getting bigger.

There are times when my eyes have been opened to what my husband needs from me, a vice versa.

My husband and I don't have a bunch in common, either, but we really love each other for who the other person is, differences and all. I personally would be bored to death if I was married to a male version of myself.

If you are going to keep trying than maybe instead of just doing the day to day "being present" do something more. Trying to work things out doesn't just mean staying in the relationship...

It might mean going to the library and checking out some marriage books, it might mean talking to a counselor, it might mean hanging out with married couples whose marriage you admire and asking them what they do to keep their relationship fresh.

I really like the analogy of marriage being like a plant; if you don't water it, it dies. What are some ways you can water your marriage?

I personally have found these books to be helpful:

http://www.amazon.com/Sacred-Sex-Spiritual-Celebration-Marriage/dp/1578564611

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1591451876/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1463151033&sr=8-1&pi=SY200_QL40&keywords=love+and+respect&dpPl=1&dpID=41DFeUoMm1L&ref=plSrch

http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

Good luck!

Edit: you mentioned her not having many friends, and her forcing you to not have them. Maybe that needs to be revisited. People shouldn't be isolated. We all need friends, so maybe set up one day a week for you to go out, and one day a week for her to go out.

She may not take you up on that offer to go out with friends, but I will say scheduling in the hobbies and friend time every month keeps my husband and I so much happier than the times we forget and don't do it.

You don't like our health care system? You think it's better south of the border? You know how broke you would be if you guys were in the states?

She's sucking a metric ton of resources our of our health care system.

An 8 hour run in the er with children with you is about as much parenting pain as one can take. The situations you describe are a living nightmare. I can relate, I'm Canadian and have done it myself.

You need to stand up to your wife for your own reasons, she's bullying you emotionally. This type of behaviour form your wife will proablly manafest in your kids in a couple of decades.

You should read this book, it's not about being a dick, it's about aserting yourself in a health way. It's full of communication exercise that make me want to throw up but they are gold for most people. This book has helped a lot of men just like you.

https://www.amazon.ca/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339

You should definitely check out this one as well, fantastic read.

https://www.amazon.ca/When-Say-Feel-Guilty-Systematic-ebook/dp/B004IK8Q22

If you find value in thoes books make sure to play it forward and help another man. It's why I'm here.

I am a stay at home mom and I have two young kids, and it's hard, but dang dude, I really feel for you man. Maybe you should check out Married Red Pill. Do you think maybe she is repeating patterns that her mother may have precedented? I was starting to act like my mother early on in my marriage and I knew I did not ever want a marriage like my parents. I wanted to be happy. On my own accord, I read a book called "why can't you read my mind?"
https://www.amazon.com/Overcoming-Thought-Patterns-Loving-Relationship/dp/1569244758

It helped me learn that I was trashing my husband in my mind to myself and we were ganging up on him and I was lashing out at him because I had made myself think he was this jerk. (Does that make sense?) I would tell you to suggest it to her, but she would probably try to rip your balls off. I also recommend "Boundaries in marriage"

https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Marriage-Henry-Cloud/dp/0310243149

Maybe if you bought the books for yourself, and she saw you reading them, maybe she would be more open to reading them. It wouldn't hurt for you to read some stuff too. She kind of sounds like she has NPD, but that might be jumping the gun somewhat. Good luck dude! If you don't do something you are gonna be miserable.

It sounds like he needs some boundaries. I grew up without good boundaries, and I took that into my relationships. Name-calling is a healthy boundary, it's something that is solvable as I was guilty of these things in the past. Likely he doesn't know how to fight, and perhaps you don't either. Probably, he's trying to get your attention or assert himself in an unacceptable way. You both need to learn how to properly get each other's attention, assert yourselves, protect yourselves, and listen.

​

These are common problems and I can tell you that plenty of people who have dreamy pictures on Instagram have these kinds of problems, I did. In fact, going through a stage of power struggle where you learn to both have and share power is where most relationships are made or broken, so it's not only common it's critical. If you're both short-tempered there are likely things that you're not talking about, and perhaps there is a general lack of listening.

​

Some resources that could be useful:

-https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000SELDB8/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1 (it's Christian so if you're not religious it might grate on you a bit but I'm not traditionally Christian, more spiritual and I find it easy to apply it to myself, and he is second to none when it comes to issues of boundaries)

-https://www.estherperel.com/podcast (she is an amazing therapist and it's been helpful to me to hear her work, it might inspire you to get counseling yourself)

https://www.amazon.ca/When-Say-Feel-Guilty-Systematic-ebook/dp/B004IK8Q22

And

https://www.amazon.ca/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339

Definitely this one:

https://www.amazon.ca/Married-Man-Life-Primer-2011-ebook/dp/B004W0IRQ8

And required reading for all men

https://www.amazon.ca/Rational-Male-Rollo-Tomassi/dp/1492777862

And

https://www.amazon.ca/Rational-Male-Preventive-Medicine/dp/1508596557

The 5 love languages is a great read if you want to masterbate in the shower.
I'm coming at this from a male perspective.

If she's using a vibrator then would she let you use it on her?

Some things you could use as conversation starters.

Marriage Part 2, Intimacy: https://youtu.be/YY2F9kFKkfw

https://www.amazon.ca/Sheet-Music-Uncovering-Intimacy-Marriage/dp/0842360247/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1538527303&sr=1-1&keywords=Sheet+music

https://www.amazon.ca/Intended-Pleasure-Itpe-Dr-Wheat/dp/0800719573/ref=pd_bxgy_img_2?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0800719573&pd_rd_r=1ce36c43-c6a5-11e8-9c40-258f68d376cf&pd_rd_w=m0FCf&pd_rd_wg=vkxvY&pf_rd_i=desktop-dp-sims&pf_rd_m=A3DWYIK6Y9EEQB&pf_rd_p=cda2b2aa-f379-4b98-b5ff-b78659186dbe&pf_rd_r=HVXKPJPS5GB0F009DYFZ&pf_rd_s=desktop-dp-sims&pf_rd_t=40701&psc=1&refRID=HVXKPJPS5GB0F009DYFZ

They are all coming from a Chrisitan perspective, but the focus is on being comfortable talking with your spouse about sex and figuring out what you like.

This book is a great easy read to go through together as well

It's here: https://www.amazon.ca/gp/product/B07F35CGB1/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o05_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

I hope this doesn't break the rules! I have no affiliation with this product at all. Also this is Canadian amazon, hope it helps!

Here, these will help alot.

No more mister nice guy

When I say no I feel guilty

And this one is the most important.

Married man sex life primer

See you in 7 years.

You should definitely check out the book, "No More Mr. Nice Guy." It has great discussion for couples to go through. I am not finished with it yet, but it talks a lot about why men are emotionally stunted and has really opened up a lot of communication between my wife because of the questions in it.

​

https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy-ebook/dp/B004C438CW/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1536866887&sr=8-1&keywords=no+more+nice+guy

I might also take a look at r/https://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1591451876

It sounds like he is on the wrong path, but it's not irreparable.

It sounds like your wife has some baggage from her childhood. Depression or low self image is magnifying the effects. The end result is that she does not respect you as a husband or a mate, and it is steadily destroying your marriage.

The challenge is, you can't approach it from the angle of "you're screwed up, this has to change" if you want to work things out for you and your child. Hopefully you're willing to give it a try, because the statistics for kids who have divorced parents are pretty abysmal. Especially for girls.

Counseling is definitely recommended. But not just any counseling. Your wife needs therapy to start uncovering the "thing behind the thing" issues that are causing your wife to have no ambition or desire to connect as a spouse. Childhood abuse? Divorced parents of her own? High conflict household as a child? One of her parents an addict or alcoholic? If yes to any of these, that's probably the root source of your problem. And the marriage won't get much better unless she's willing to acknowledge this and work on it.

Books I recommend:

Love and Respect

The 5 Love Languages

Why Can't You Read My Mind?


If the childhood baggage is related to a parent with an addiction:

Codependent No More

Adult Children of Alcoholics