(Part 2) Best products from r/MensLib

It sounds like woowoo but practising tantric sex feels incredibly bonding, sensual and loving. Its supposed to have some good health benefits for men and help with premature ejaculation as well.

My SO and I aren't experts in it or anything but we tried incorporating some tantra in our foreplay and its been a success lol. Feels great, meditative, reduces anxiety and puts you in the moment. Might feel a little awkward to start but it was great for me.

Not sure what book to recommend because we mainly used online resources but there's this one Tantric Sex For Men by Michael and Diana Richardson that I've been thinking of buying.

Sorry if this isn't what you're looking for.

Edit: also wanted to link to another comment on this sub with some progressive sex positive resources

This comment

1. No you can still be a dominant even if you don't enjoy it personally. Having a personal desire for it definitely helps make it easier. It's like any roleplay - you're the dungeon master and you're creating an adventure for the submissive and taking them through it. It helps if you also enjoy crafting the narrative and putting in twists... as opposed to just trying to figure out what they like and do it.. people like to be surprised and pushed within reason.
   
2. No it's not contrary to my identity as a feminist. I mean, this is play, pretend, just indulging the dark parts of ourselves that we know exist but we know are wrong. This is a healthy outlet for that, as opposed to actually trying to carry any of that out.
   
3. For me it's really based on personal experience, nothing cultural. I'm not saying that aren't unhealthy practitioners of bdsm, or toxic people who don't actually self examine and actually buy into toxic ideas about gender essentialism, they exist and it's very problematic. I think the most important thing is we should reflect on our desires and the reasons behind them. Without that, it can be very easy to fall pray to negative ideologies.
   
   1. My desire to dominate has a lot to do with feelings of security, acceptance and love. When I tell someone that I'm going to hurt them and they let me hurt them, it's like they're telling me I'm worth it, that they trust me, they love me to perform an act of sacrifice for me. It's also closely connected to my teenage years, where I lived with overbearing parents who controlled many aspects of my life, so I fantasized about situations where i had complete control over others. i think our childhoods do a lot to shape that.
      
   2. I've spoken with a lot of submissive men, who faced things like bullying and learned to turn discomfort into pleasure by learning to enjoy those feelings. I think the fact that both genders can have dominant and submissive preferences says a lot about how dumb gender essentialism is.
      
   3. I read books like Your Brain on Sex and SexSmart: How Your Childhood Shaped Your Sexual Life and What to Do with It. Maybe you'd enjoy it. Sexual development is a complex thing, including BDSM and other fetishes. It's been studied a lot.
      
   4. But having said all that, I developed my interest in BDSM in the early 2000s. Online resources always emphasized Safe, Sane and Consensual, negotiating the terms of play and aftercare. Maybe things are different now since you see it so much more in the mainstream. Sounds like you don't enjoy it, which is totally fine too.

I can relate to some of what you describe here. I have a hard time processing emotions that are more complicated than happy/angry. Things like sad, anxious, afraid are really easy to just express as anger or irritability, because there's usually a cause or target for you to focus on, rather than having to deal with your internal space, where there are no easy solutions.

Finding out who you really are is a difficult process that involves asking a lot of questions. Like "what do I consider important?" Then following that question up with a series of "Why?" until you've dug down deep enough that you can't ask again.

For instance, you might consider working out important. Why? Because you value physical fitness. Why? Because it's part of being healthy and capable? Why do you value health (or capability; the question may branch at this point)? Because I want to live without being tired or sick all the time, or dying early. Why do you want to live a long time? Because I want to experience all life has to offer. Like what? Like watching my kids grow up and have successful lives of their own. Why? Because I love my kids. Why? Because... they're my kids?

If your questioning follows this line, then you know one of the roots of your love of working out is that you love your kids. Likely it has other roots as well, and following those lines of thought will give you a better idea of who you are and what you value.

Once you know what you value, you can start evaluating your choices in light of those values, and evaluating alternate choices based on how they relate to your values.

Another thing is that it's hard to live a lot of this stuff out loud. Don't ever try to change who you are like a set of clothes. Work on yourself privately, and you'll see the outward behaviors changing as a result; Trying to change the behaviors first will rarely work; Only focus on curbing behaviors that are actively harmful (violence, slurs, etc.); Working from root causes will cause the rest of the behaviors to change naturally over time.

A book I found to be very insightful (though I found it after it was too late for my first marriage) is "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It". It focuses on men, since we're (stereo)typically the ones who avoid talking about our problems or feelings, but the behaviors are pretty generally helpful. The basic idea is what I talked about above; Working on yourself to change the outward expression of yourself by focusing on the positive aspects of your true self, and through improving your expression of self, improving your relationship by extension.

I'm poly so kind of "always on the market". This is something I and others consider, maybe not aloud. This is a great question. For me, it's about being my genuine self and displaying my passions. Whether it is kink, sport, gaming, camping, writing... people in general and women a lot like passion. THE relationship book I recommend to any and every one is: https://www.amazon.com/Missing-Piece-Meets-Big/dp/0060256575

My clothes, my language, my actions all reflect things I'm passionate about (soooo many nerdy shirts). Confidence is also usually a large factor. My nesting partner believes I'm a caring person, but also just enough of an asshole. A strong person doesn't have to flaunt strength or respond to every challenge, just be mindfully decisive. Take in information, examine it based on your past and what you know, and make a decision.

Or at least those are some of my ideas very early in the morning. Cheers! LOVE this question, hope it blows up.

Do you happen to have pointers to resources which fathers can use to teach this?

Heck, does /r/MensLib have any pointers to recommended dating advice? The Resources for Men Guide in the sidebar has some tips for building healthy boundaries and communication in a relationship, but not yet anything on how to start dating. Should it? What would people recommend?

Would anything I linked to in my 9-comment attempt at giving someone advice be useful? (I'd be interested in feedback on what this community thinks of any piece of my advice)

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EDIT: the resources I linked to as being probably-helpful were

• Thing of Things' review of Models by Mark Manson
  
  
• Charisma on Command
  
  
• Thinking Fast and Slow which is more abstractly useful.
  
  
• Rejection Therapy, which I've not actually tried per-se.
  
  
• What Every Body is Saying
  
  And I recommended the film Dumplin for a particular scene and for being good in general. But I hope its worth reading the context of what I wrote...even if it is ...long...

I think Holes is a reasonably good choice, in terms of wrestling with friendship, loyalty, and identity as boys grow up. Even guys I've known who ended up not being readers later on in life remember and like that book.

Maniac Magee is another one that I remember really fondly from about that age, though I haven't read it in more than a decade and the racial themes in it may come off as dated or inappropriate today. It deals a lot with changing relationships, grief, bullying, and searching for a safe and comfortable place in the world and the instability that can come with that.

Then there are super downer books like Bridge to Terebithia and Where the Red Fern Grows about boys navigating the transition to adulthood as they go through tragedy. Both super memorable and affecting, albeit in different ways. Shiloh is probably a decent choice for a coming-of-age story involving a dog and a boy forced to make difficult choices, if you don't want an ending as miserable as Red Fern's, lol.

Esperanza Rising is a book with a female protagonist, but a supportive male friend who plays a major role in the book, and it might be culturally or historically relevant as it's about Mexican migrant laborers in the Great Depression. The same author also wrote a book about Pablo Neruda's childhood that might be worth a look, though I haven't read it. Here's another recent book that looks pretty neat with a Mexican-American male protagonist who wrestles with changing friendships and growing up. A very different book that also might appeal to Latinx students is The House of the Scorpion, which is a dystopian coming-of-age story about a drug lord's clone - it's aimed more at a YA crowd, though I think I read it when I was about the same age as your kids.

My top 10 in no particular order.

1. If you're going to cook any meat, get an instant read thermometer.

Here's a link to an affordable one on: Amazon.

What ever meat you're cooking, check it by pushing the point into the thickest part of the meat and check the temperature. It takes all the stress out of worrying if you've under- or over-cooked your meat. Take this tip to the next level by removing the meat from the heat just before it reaches the required temperature since residual heat will continue to raise the internal temperature by a few degrees as the meat rests. Make sure you know the difference between 'F and 'C though!

2. Rest your meat!

3. When frying onions and garlic, start the onion off first since garlic is more delicate and might burn if it goes in at the beginning.

4. Don't salt any sauce you're going to reduce. Reducing a sauce increases the intensity of it and, if you season to taste at the beginning, the sauce will become too salty.

5. Get a good cook's knife. The difference this can make to your quality of life is amazing. Learn to use it properly - it can do the job of dozens of other dedicated gadgets you might think are necessary. They're not.

6. When deep or shallow frying, don't crowd your pan. If you throw too much in at once, you'll risk causing the temperature of the oil and the pan to drop too much - then your ingredients will sort of stew in the oil instead of frying. That will make them soggy and oily. No-one wants soggy and oily.

7. Keep old chicken and pork bones, along with vegetable offcuts, in a big old box in the freezer. When the box is full, dump the lot in the latrgest saucepan you have, along with some herbs, and almost fill with water. Simmer for a couple of hours, then strain off the liquid for a homemade stock that will taste amazing compared to shop bought. Don't salt the stock though (see #4).

8. Keep one chopping board for raw meat and one for veggies. Never mix them.

9. If you're frying meat or fish and it keeps sticking, you're probably disturbing it too soon: it needs a little time to form a crust which will then lift from the pan. So, put your meat / fish in a hot pan, then drop the heat a little and let it cook for two to three minute before you even touch it. Gently try and lift it with a spatula - if it lifts easily, you're good to turn it over. If it doesn't lift you probably need to give it another 30s to a minute.

10. If you've been frying, and there's a whole lot of brown, caramelised gunk in the bottom of your pan (it's called 'fond'), you have an almost ready made sauce. When you've finished cooking, keep the heat under that pan. Take out your ingredients (put the meat to one side to rest), then add a decent slug of booze to the pan. Wine, beer, cider, anything pretty much though I wouldn't use neat spirits. Use your spatula to stir the booze and the fond around the pan, and the two will come together in a delicious sauce. Throw in a lump of butter at the end, and it will be even better.

Bonus 11. Easy rice (I like to use basmati mostly):

Take one cup of rice and wash it. I do this in a jug, with a wooden fork. Put the rice in the jug, pour in some cold water, stir it with the fork until the water becomes cloudy. Pour the water off, and then add some more fresh water. Repeat the process until the water no longer becomes cloudy.

Put the one cup of rice, and two cups of water into a saucepan. Add a pinch of salt.

Bring to a boil.

Cover with a tight fitting lid and turn the heat down to the lowest it will go.

Wait 10 minutes.

Check to see if the water's been absorbed (tip the saucepan to see if any water runs out from the rice). If it has, take the pan off the heat, put a clean tea towel over the pan, replace the lid, and wait for another 5 minutes.,

Fluff the rice with your fork and serve.

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Edit: formatting

Ok.

First things first: you should speak to a therapist who can help you work through this in a more hands-on way. As a stranger on the internet, there is only so much I can do to help. If you can't afford it, look for clinics that offer time with grad students. It's significantly cheaper that way.

Think of it this way: I can tell you the fundamentals of basketball, but a hands-on coach will do it better.

Second: I am not a professional, and while I'll do my best to break it down as easily as I can, I may be wrong in some cases. I would suggest researching "what emotions are" and "how to manage them" via the internet and books (Like this. Yeah, it's expensive, but that's most likely a textbook. I can give you what I know, but you still need to do the research on your own.

Third: when I say things like "do the work", I mean doing things like researching, reading, investigating, talking to therapists (and other people), understanding what emotions are and how they effect your thinking, applying critical thought to situations, and in general "learning" what to do here. We as a species learn by doing, and that means you will learn as you go along. Yes, I know that's confusing and scary, but if you want things to change for the better, you have to do scary things and break out of your comfort zone (ie what is easy, safe, and familiar).

Think of it as grinding xp to level up.

Fourth: what worked for me may not work for you. that is not an excuse to stop trying.

Does that make sense so far?

And I missed an opportunity to do a bit of self promotion!

If anyone wants an introduction to men's issues then of course my book is the only place to start (not biased) and you can download a free chapter first to get a taste of it:

http://equality4men.com/book/

That was written in 2013. Last year I co-edited a book of short articles on men, manhood with Dan Bell at insideMAN magazine that I'm really proud of because it succeeds (I think) it's aim to provide a platform for a really interesting diversity of voices on men's issues.

There's a review here:

http://www.onlineopinion.com.au/view.asp?article=17820

And it's on Amazon here:

http://www.amazon.com/insideMAN-Dan-Bell/dp/1784625337

I'm biased and I think both, in different ways, are great ways to access men's issues---the first very calm, factual and really easy to read all in a single voice but with loads of references if you want to dig deeper.

The second like tuning into Man FM and hearing a load of great solo acts---the sum of which is greater than the parts---and if there's one guy you don't like much, don't worry because there's another writer coming along any minute with a different perspective that's more up your street.

Safety razors are for sure a lot better than than the multi-blades, but last year I ran in to a shaving supplies shop in Iran and found a cheap shavette (cost me like €1), which turns half a safety razor blade into a straight razor. This is something similar, but a lot more expensive... as in, still a lot cheaper than a safety razor and a lot, lot cheaper than a multiblade.

And it is amazing, you guys. I can't recommend this enough. I just clean my face quickly with soap and shave like I'm on a freaking commercial. Who needs foam!? No matter the length of the beard, I can shave easy. Getting the hairs off the blade in-between swipes is pretty much as easy as shaking it a bit, but I mean of course you can rinse it quickly in water. Try to do that with a multiblade, you'll go insane.

And the replacement blades are also dirt-cheap. You should of course still get the good ones, for example Gillete blades are good. I've got one pack of really useless blades in Iran, I don't think you can actually buy that bad blades outside of Russia or the Middle East.

I was always scared of straight razors but once I get the money for it I will get one. In the meantime, the shavette kicks ass and lives large.

I was just going to suggest Non-Violent Communication! I definitely recommend getting the book, it really lays out communication in a very simple and direct way so that you can get to the heart of the problem rather than beating around the bush.

I also hear Taking the War Out of Our Words is pretty good as well, though it only comes in paperback.

You can download the Kindle App for desktop for free and read on your PC/laptop/phone, etc.

I would also like to emphasize that toxic masculinity is a set of attitudes and behaviors that are maladaptive and harmful to self and others, not a set personality type. Learning to open up and communicate clearly is a skill that everyone can learn regardless of gender, so there is definitely hope!

There is beard-specific shampoo and conditioner. Generally better because regular hair products can dry out a beard too much, which may be some of what you are experiencing.

I've bought two sets of this and its fantastic: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07JL8QYPW/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o01_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Caveat that it's the only brand I've bought so far, there may be better products I haven't tried yet.

Also beard butter is awesome at keeping the beard soft overall which seems to help with the skin care too. I use Fresh Beards brand.

Thanks for doing an AMA!

A long time ago I read Black Wealth, White Wealth on the advice of a friend, and it changed my perspective on economic justice. My question: what kind of concrete steps can we take (individually and through public policy) that would help close the racial gap in wealth?

Great post, there is a lot of interesting and valuable stuff in here and I am very glad that you and the rest of the mods took a very explicit stance on the matter!

One thing that stood out to me is this part:

>To be absolutely clear, none of what I have written should be interpreted to mean that white people are inherently evil. It should also not read as a long-winded expression of hatred towards white people on my part.

Race is such a critical concept and a highly loaded topic and I applaud you for raising this issue, while on the other hand I couldn't help but feel a bit sad that this had to be said, though I competely understand. I found that with racism and sexism in white people and men, there is one pretty common reaction that eventually comes up in any discussion, which is that pointing out someone's privilege does not mean that this person has it easy and I think a lot of white and/or male fragility is exactly due to this reaction. I think the clearest explanation of privilege I came across was to define privilege as an absence of struggle in one domain. Being a white man does not mean you have an easy life - it means that on top of the struggles you may face, you don't face the struggle of being discriminated against because of your race (or gender in certain aspects) in most cases.

If I might make one suggestion, I'd highly suggest Robin DiAngelo's book What Does It Mean to Be White?: Developing White Racial Literacy to anyone interested in the topic of racism. While her book White Fragility focuses mostly on, well, white fragility and I can't recommend enough, I found What Does It Mean to Be White? to be a great introduction and basis for the topic. It is like a handbook that she developed through her years of leading antiracist workshops and covers nearly all aspects (though for the experienced reader it might be a bit reductive in some parts) of racism in a highly readable manner.

Hooo boy. I learned to write by reading and writing a huge amount and then being trained by the Army at the Defense Information School. And the standards we learned are probably not the best standards for general use. The best advice I ever got was to edit and edit and edit and then delete most of what I wrote and edit that. What I write here is edited numerous times, both before and after I hit enter the first time, and even then it isn't nearly good enough to publish because I write in an extremely relaxed manner here, using a very different voice than I use professionally. As we keep going back to: context affects what you say and how you say it.

>“I write one page of masterpiece to ninety-one pages of shit,” Hemingway confided to F. Scott Fitzgerald in 1934. “I try to put the shit in the wastebasket.”

The book I use to guide my writing is the AP style guide. https://www.amazon.com/Associated-Press-Stylebook-2017-Briefing/dp/0465093043/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1503189006&sr=8-1&keywords=Ap+style+guide

It has changed drastically since I first learned how to write, and so my writing is a mix of outdated style and prose, and a bit of modern style.

Today, when I am looking rules up I either use the Style Guide, or I go here: https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/572/01/

Weird how I just finished the book Designing Data-Intensive Applications, and it ended with a section on ethics in computer science/big data that ties into this article really well. I'll add some of the sources from that section of the book here if people are curious. Cathy's book is in there, too.

• https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/making-hard-choices-quest-ethics-machine-learning-igor-perisic
  
• https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/dec/06/algorithm-writers-should-have-code-of-conduct
  
• https://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2014/02/welcome-to-algorithmic-prison/283985/
  
• https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/12/theyre-watching-you-at-work/354681/
  
• https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2016/aug/03/algorithm-racist-human-employers-work
  
• https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-a-machine-learns-prejudice/
  
• http://idlewords.com/talks/sase_panel.htm
  
• https://www.amazon.com/Weapons-Math-Destruction-Increases-Inequality/dp/0553418815
  
• https://www.nytimes.com/2016/08/01/opinion/make-algorithms-accountable.html
  
• https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2016/nov/10/facebook-fake-news-election-conspiracy-theories
  
  There's also this fiasco: https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2018/jan/12/google-racism-ban-gorilla-black-people
  
  We're definitely having our machine babies learn from our own racist, classist, sexist data and giving people with malicious intent access to unprecedented amounts of data.
  
  Some forms of machine learning, like decision trees or random forests, have output that resembles a flow-chart which is nicer for humans because you can follow the decisions the algorithm is making. Deep learning with neural nets is real hard to understand. The model is basically just a ton of numbers.
  
  If you're curious about deep learning from the "how" side, Andrew Ng's deep learning courses on Coursera are really good: https://www.coursera.org/specializations/deep-learning
  
  Andrew Ng is kind of like the Fred Rogers of machine learning. He also has a machine learning course on Coursera that I've heard is great.