(Part 2) Best products from r/aspergirls

I do love orgasms, but I am somewhat hyposensitive to touch, including down there, so it always took me a long time to finish, even by myself with a vibrator. From 15-23 I never had an orgasm with a guy, mostly because they didn't care enough about their partner and I wasn't willing to ask for what I needed.

Sex with my husband is very different. We've learned that it's best if we follow a very slow, sensual style of foreplay, with a lot of edging (getting close to the brink, but not over it, for extended periods). He loves taking however much time it takes for me to be not just ready, but way beyond ready, which makes the orgasm a hundred times better when it happens.

I can't tell what's happening with you, because our sensitivity levels may be opposite, but I do know that a lot of women can have a small orgasm when they are only partly aroused, and that these orgasms are often not very pleasurable, and can even become irritating if that's all you ever have. If that's what's happening to you, you might want to talk to your bf about learning sensual massage and maybe tantric sex.

The great thing about sensual/erotic massage is that it is loving and intimate, it feels wonderful whether you orgasm or not, and it is extended enough so that you will have plenty of time to become completely turned on so if you DO climax it's a much better and richer feeling.

The best way to start is to get a good, inexpensive massage table (Amazon has great ones like this one for under $95), some coconut oil, and a couple of bath sheets or beach towels, and give each other lots of sensual/erotic full-body massages.

If you are both relatively inexperienced, there's actually a lot that both of you can learn, and it can be great fun learning new things and actually discovering what you like best. In particular, my own experience and that of everyone I know who has tried it is that sensate focus therapy, erotic massage, and tantric sex together have the power to improve every couple's sex life. I have never known anyone who has gone down that path who has not raved about the benefits.

And the nice thing about all three for someone on the spectrum is that they come with clear directions for the "giver" and the "receiver." Once you know what you're doing, you can improvise and mess around, but at the beginning you just have to follow the descriptions, step by step, and the results are still awesome.

I hope this helps.

> I don't want a diagnosis via internet forum, but does it make sense to go against my therapist (who won't ever diagnose me with Asperger's because I can communicate OK with him one-on-one) and pursue a diagnosis from a specialist?

Yes, it absolutely makes sense. I've seen so many reports from others who have been in a similar situation, diagnosed multiple times with various conditions, with the possibility of Asperger's/autism repeatedly dismissed on superficial grounds, as if the mind isn't full of layers, many of which are hidden beneath the surface.

> Could it be that I flew under the radar for so long?

Indeed. Especially as a woman, there's a strong bias to attribute your behaviors and qualities to anything other than Asperger's. This bias exists both in general culture (for example, hormones are used to explain away so many female behaviors without any real consideration) and in the culture of the mental health profession (largely due to the original research decades ago focusing on male children, almost completely ignoring both females of any age and adults of any gender).

I'm a male myself, but it wasn't until recently, when the profession started to wake up to the possibility of Asperger's being just as prevalent in women as it is in men, that I started finding resources that I really connected with. Thus, I suspected I had Asperger's when I was 24, but it was only once I was 32 and revisited the subject that I found all the stories by other "under-the-radar" aspies, many of them women, and could truly connect with those experiences, learning from them and learning about myself more deeply. I certainly have some male stereotypes too, but the stereotypes have done a lot of harm, causing many people to go unrecognized for so long.

> And does anyone have tips for pursuing a diagnosis?

I just got done reading the book I Think I Might Be Autistic: A Guide to Autism Spectrum Disorder Diagnosis and Self-Discovery for Adults, and I think it could be a useful read for you. Some of the details of the middle chapters are US-specific, so their usefulness will depend upon your location, as the diagnosis process differs quite a bit throughout the world. It's also a quick read. (I should have gotten this book a while ago; I had read the author's second book on the subject, Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate, over a year ago and loved it, as well as many articles on her blog Musings of an Aspie, and her first book indeed had the same quality.)

A somewhat longer book which I'd also recommend, with more of a focus on the reflective and emotional side of the diagnostic process, and less on the concrete details, is Very Late Diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome (Autism Spectrum Disorder): How Seeking a Diagnosis in Adulthood Can Change Your Life.

I'd also recommend considering finding a therapist/counselor who specializes in adult Asperger's/ASD, without necessarily focusing on an official diagnosis, at least in the short term. If you can relate to the experiences shared by adult aspies, and you feel like you are obtaining deeper self-understanding and highly applicable advice from books and online, it only stands to reason that you could find similar help from a counselor who is willing to approach your situation from that angle. I found a great counselor by very cautiously reading through the descriptions on the Psychology Today therapist search page. Might've gotten a little lucky that my first pick was a good pick, but it worked for me. Also, insurance might complicate this; I paid out of pocket, so I was free to go wherever for whatever reason.

So yeah, that's the essence of my advice: Self-directed research through books, blogs, and online communities, a sympathetic counselor regardless of current diagnostic status, and plenty of time and space for introspection. Also, be liberal with the self-love; when a person internalizes the perceived expectations of the society around them and feels like they are always failing to satisfy those expectations, it can be brutally debilitating, and can easily become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Learning how to wisely choose and live by my own expectations was one of the best things I've ever done.

Pickers and pluckers unite!!! :D I have true dermotillomania and trichotillomania- I fall into a trance-like state where I can't feel or think much, just have to keep seeking and picking, seeking and plucking. Very hard to break out of. If I'm not careful I'll end up bleeding and with no eyelashes!

I cannot simply "will the urge away," and if I forcefully stop myself the urge returns even stronger (much like any other stim we try to suppress). Stim toys are the ONLY thing that work for me. I specifically love small metal toys with infinite motion (my hands are quite tiny). Here are some of my favorites!

Fidgetland metal fidget - Mar - My favorite design, but all the toys on the Fidgetland site are fantastic, I own many.

Metal Bar Spinner - Nice matte finish that I love the feel of

Metal Tri Spinner - Smoothest metal ever

Roller Chain Fidget Toy - Perfect for that "roll around the finger" feel

Magnetic Balls - Tons of fun, fully engaging toy, doubles as desk art

Spinner Ring - It's jewelry so it's always there when the urge strikes, gives a great twirling/spinning sensation. Brand matters a lot- I've had the most luck with the chains on this brand after a small break-in period.

Loophole Spinners - pricey and often out-of-stock, but I tend to use my loophole spinner the most.

The Orbiter - pricey but again, one of my favorites. I recommend the ones made of harder metals. The aluminum one feels great but dents easily (I like the clicky sound from the magnet so I'm quite rough with this toy).

I hope this helps :)

My major advice would be to keep in mind that autism is not a linear condition, especially as a person goes through childhood. In my personal experience, it always seemed like just when I was getting the hang of things, everything would drastically change. I struggled a lot socially in early elementary school, but by the end I had made a solid group of friends. Then middle school came and suddenly everything changed, and recess was gone and replaced with lunch. My friends started to act differently, and suddenly everything was about socializing instead of playing a game or something. I lost my social group, and didn't really figure anything out until senior year in high school. I eventually stopped trying by Sophomore year, and my parents just assumed it was a choice because I had gotten 'past' my problems in Elementary school. Which really wasn't the case. Even at 26, on a smaller scale, I struggle with changes in social environment and it can take me months to begin truly making friends.

So don't assume that she's just plain 'got better,' keep a realistic eye on her progress and possible challenges as major changes occur throughout her adolescence.

I think it's awesome that you want her to learn to be ok with her autism, I never was really taught that and my parents never tried to properly explain what being autistic meant. They knew I was probably somewhere on the spectrum, and had numerous assessments done across the first couple years of my education. By the end, the school psych had confirmed that I did appear to be autistic but needed to do a bit more observation sessions to rule out other possibilities and figure out where on the spectrum I fit at the time(PDDNOS was likely). Eventually I was told that they thought I was autistic, and whenever the idea of finishing the process came up I apparently would literally run away screaming "I'M NOT CRAZY" because I thought that's what autism meant. No one took the time to sit me down and tell me about it, my parents just sort of caved to my tantrums(meltdowns? I dunno, can't remember honestly) and shoved it aside after that.

So it is AWESOME that helping her accept it is one of your stated goals. I dunno when you're planning on explaining to her what autism is, but you might want to consider this book as a way to help her figure it out when the time comes later down the road. I came across it a few weeks ago, and almost cried because I wish something that direct, clear, and positive had been around when I was 9 and terrified of the idea.

We do tend to seem a bit younger than our peers, but there is a fine line between that and things that are truly childish, so good call on what your mom picked out.

Many of us like animals and cute things though. Maybe something like this ? (Kinda want that for myself, ngl lol... I also saw some similar things at American Greetings the other day if you don’t want to order online.) Or something fun like those string lights you can hang up in your bedroom? Or maybe stuff like notebooks/pens? (They have lots and lots at TJ Maxx/Marshall’s.)

It can be hard to know what a good gift would be, because we’re all so different & tend to be kind of particular people :S

Oh My, I had forgotten this thread. Let me reply anyway!

Improve your Social Skills
This book is written by a man with Aspergers. It has a lot of useful advice. Needless to say, as I'm forgetful and absent minded, I used a highlighter a lot!

What Every Body is Saying
It contains a lot of info on body language, and I have found it helpful. There are some tips to come across more confident. You can also check videos on the web.


How to Talk to Kids So Kids will Listen
Don't misjudge the book! It may seem as not suitable for adults. But it contains a lot of tips that can help improve adult on adult relationships. There are some parts that talk about how we deny people their right to experience a certain feeling. For example :
Person a: My dog died. I'm so sad.
Person b: Oh, but cheer up! you'll have other dogs in the future! don't dwell on it, it's no use! vs.
Person b: I see. It must be tough. You really cared about your dog.

It really makes you ponder.

And of course the most well known books, "how to win friends and influence people", etc. I have been also looking for books on how to hold a conversation, but haven't had much luck yet.

sorry for the late reply

Best of luck!

I love jigsaw puzzles!! I'll do them for hours without getting up. It helps that I'm pretty good at them - my eyes just zero in on the right pieces somehow. But I try to challenge myself by doing them differently sometimes, like doing the jigsaw puzzles that have the same image printed on reverse but tilted (the World's Most Difficult Jigsaw Puzzle series, like Company of Wolves one). Or I will take a regular 500 piece puzzle and do it row by row, then when it gets close to the end, start at one side and do it piece by piece. Like I said, I love jigsaws. But I only allow myself to bring one out when I know I'll have the time, because I will do nothing else for hours, or a few days, until they're done!

Also do the New York Times crossword puzzles every Saturday. While I like them a lot, they're not at the same level of "love" as jigsaws.

There was also a period of time where I did a lot of sudokus. My favorites were the evil puzzles. I would also time myself and have sudoku races with others (we'd each do the same puzzle), but once I figured out a strategy for how to do them quickly, I eventually lost interest in them.

If you were in the UK, I would say pursue a diagnosis but obviously your situation is different. You can apply some self help strategies that other people with an ASD find helpful with or without a diagnosis and see how you get on with them - kind of field-testing the idea - but that won't give you inner certainty.

You could get hold of the books by Cynthia Kim, she was diagnosed at 42 and has written about the diagnostic process: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Think-Might-Autistic-Diagnosis-Self-Discovery-ebook/dp/B00DAHF48I She is very good at demystifying the diagnostic criteria and showing how they apply to real life.

A lot of what's in the book also appears on her blog Musings of an Aspie, which I think is one of the best ones out there. Hopefully, that might give you a better idea of whether or not you relate to ASD.

I bought these ear plugs for a concert and they are good quality and affordable and have fast shipping. What I like about this pair is that it makes things quieter but you can still enjoy the music without it sounding like it's muffled or you are underwater. This specific pair also has a nice little case with a chain and the earplugs themselves have a string attached so they won't get lost too. I was worried about it hurting but they are pretty comfortable for earplugs. It also saved my ears from hurting and damage from the loud music. These high fidelity type earplugs are what musicians use on stage so they can hear the music but not get hearing damage. I use them now still. When I am outside or at an event they are helpful. So it was a good purchase and I hope your pair works out too! I hope this helped :)
(Made a few edits to my comment)

John Elder Robison is the brother of Augusten Burroughs (who you might know as the author of “Running with Scissors”) and is on the spectrum.

John has this book called “Look me in the eye,” which got good reviews and is about his experience living with ASD. I read a snippet of it and keep meaning to go back to read more (because his writing style is witty/funny, like his brother’s, and what he writes about is also very relatable).

Here’s a link to the book if you’re interested:

https://www.amazon.com/Look-Me-Eye-Life-Aspergers/dp/0307396185/ref=nodl_

OMG I can't agree with this enough. I used to live in leggings until the ingrown hairs got so gnarly I had chronic folliculitis on my knee (sorry, TMI). Right now I'm into rompers. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B071GSTVFX/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o03_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07QBZJRV7/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1

I've purchased a few from the links above and I'm very happy with them.

I haven't read this yet, so YMMV

https://smile.amazon.com/Emotional-Mastery-Adults-Aspergers-Techniques-ebook/dp/B009N45B0I/ref=sr_1_3?crid=15JWR8AWE1GAJ&keywords=emotional+mastery&qid=1575132560&sprefix=emotional+mast%2Caps%2C205&sr=8-3

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Also I'm looking into EMDR for this. I have PTSD from childhood abuse and I'm looking into doing that to help deal with the aftermath. I'm hoping it helps with emotional mastery.

I haven't read it but this https://www.amazon.com/Autistics-Guide-Dating-Book-Those-ebook/dp/B0032UX9US appears to be written by women with autism.

Also this: https://www.amazon.com/Autism-Spectrum-Guide-Sexuality-Relationships-ebook/dp/B01BCQP8KW/

I used the search term autistic dating. There are many other books, don't know whether the authors are NT or not, or whether they are good about explaining female aspie spouses or not.

Here's my favorite sunscreen! When it dries you can't tell that you are wearing it. https://www.amazon.com/Watery-normal-product-Sunscreen-capacity/dp/B07Q6JGV57/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_194_t_0?_encoding=UTF8&refRID=A1YJE8KSKPY1K82SVES1

Do you have big boobs? This is what I've been wearing since high school: https://www.amazon.com/Playtex-Womens-Original-Comfort-4693/dp/B0007YY8H0

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I hem the straps bc I'm v short w/ a small band size and big cup size and they don't make them in my size anywhere else. Underwires don't work for me bc they poke and they're just not made for someone my shape. Target carries them in smaller and more popular sizes if you want to try them on.

So far this is the closest thing to feeling like I'm not wearing a bra that I've found: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B075DM96R5/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o04_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

A good book for sometime. https://www.amazon.com/Look-Me-Eye-Life-Aspergers/dp/0307396185