(Part 2) Best products from r/infj

I learnt to game socialising really early on. I learnt (mechanically sometimes) how to mirror people, how to ask open ended questions, how to be charming (listen more than you talk) etc.

I put on my "doing things" armour and I pop around the shops, chatting and smiling to acquaintances, the checkout lady, the lass at the bakery and the bloke who runs the grocer. I smile when I answer the phone... I used to play a game when I worked a checkout, that if someone came up in a bad mood, that I would have them smiling by the end of their transaction. I call it "being fluffy".

I'm NOT fluffy :) Even slightly :) But you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. And the world is full of unhappiness and shitty behaviour, and I undo it where I can. Most of the time.

So the point is, you need a functioning persona who is fluffy. Learn it mechanically if you have to. You can then enjoy having a chat with your hairdresser, some random at a party, the lady next to you on the bus, the lonely old lady who comes into the shop; without it touching you, affecting you, or exhausting you.

I can count on the fingers of one hand the people I can have utterly uncensored conversations with. Both hands if I take out the woo :) I have fairly extreme Spiritual and Political opinions :)

So look at books like "How To Win Friends and Influence People" - you might think its a hokey as shit (it is :) - but read it anyway. Look at the other books Amazon recommends when you look it up The Fine Art Of Small Talk for example. Click on the ranking guides for Bestselling Conversation Guides... It just.... almost an acting class... It helps you to glide through the small, frustrating, unfulfilling conversations that make up most of your everyday life. They just wash over you, because it is an alter ego dealing with them, not you.

If you come across someone with a bit more spark in them, drop something a bit deeper, a bit meatier. Look for events like "Philosophy in the Pub" or Poetry readings where you're more likely to meet deep and meaningful people :)

I have "tells". I talk about angels (everybody loves angels), Extinction Rebellion, Regeneration 2040, that we're in a Mercury retrograde, that my husband had to salt his office door against an HR troll... I'm looking for witchy marxists, basically :) :)

But ONE of these things, not all of them. If I get a snort, or disquiet, or even a blank look I back right off. But every now and then, someone goes "Yeah really messy against this background eclipse season and with Neptune squaring Jupiter" and I know I've hit a tribe member :)

Think of the things you love having deep conversations about, and build "lures" to drop into conversations. That way, when someone responds positively, you'll have found someone that you can build a more intimate rapport with.

I find with people I can actually talk to, I find ways to see them more often :) I've just found out that one of my bellydancing friends is really into tarot. I'm already plotting some sort of event I can invite her to :) Possibly a Storytelling event by candlelight, or a Sound Healing. You'll know these people when you hit them !! Find some way of staying in touch !

Well that's my 2000 words for the day :) I hope I haven't talked your ear off and that some of it is useful !

I am 100% with you on this. I am 30 and reading this has been a good kick in the butt for myself because objectively hearing your story makes me think to my own self "oh but you have so much time!" and you do!

I can only offer advice as to what makes me feel less like this... and that has been a combination of mindfulness and bullet journaling.

The mindfulness helps me to stay present in the moment and truly enjoy what I am experiencing, instead of worrying about the past or future. There is no trick that I do, it is simply stopping when I'm doing something/experiencing something nice and saying to myself "wow, this is nice." It sounds a little cheesy, but it really helps me recognize the little moments in life that are positive and that help balance out the "oh crap what am I doing with my life, time, etc" feelings.

The bullet journaling is new, but so far it is helpful to set goals and reflect back on accomplishments. Also, setting aside time to do the things I say I want to do. It's been a process getting into it, remembering to do it, but it is kind of like looking back on a full notebook of school notes and thinking - wow I did all of that, learned all of that, etc.

Also, know you aren't alone! I think the people who accomplish so much either just don't have the same anxieties that we do about starting (at least this is my issue)... they just "do". They don't worry about the end goal, they focus on the act of doing? Or they've worked hard to overcome all of that!

I read a great book on the "doing" of things if you are interested. It's the idea of "flow" and creativity, its like entering a meditative state.
Flow: The psychology of optimal experience https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000W94FE6/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
Interesting stuff! I try to achieve that state of doing in my work.

I’m an INFJ (25F) and I haven’t ever been good at casual sex. My first long term partner was a male and our sex life was never good. He just wasn’t too interested in having sex or making sure it was good for me. He was my first sexual partner and I tried to convince myself that our relationship was decent enough in other ways to sustain me throughout my life, but the passion that lacked in the bedroom lacked other places as well and eventually the relationship ended. And I’m so glad it did. I went on to have a same-sex relationship that was mainly built on sex and friendship. We laughed together, stayed up all night talking on the phone, and had sex pretty much every time we were together. I fell hard and fast for her but there wasn’t a foundation of honesty and the relationship basically exploded in on itself and left both of us deeply hurting. Then I found my current partner. Our relationship is built on respect, honesty, and love for each other. And he is extremely passionate and loving both physically and emotionally.

I once read in a book that love is like fire. There are different kinds of fires: a hearth fire (safe, warm, kinda boring), a bonfire (contained but barely, warm, exciting), a wildfire (absolutely passionate and destructive, burns down everything in its path), a sparkler (one night stand), etc. I think every person needs to figure out what fire is the best kind for their life. I don’t know how much of that has to do with personality typing versus life experiences, but I do know that when I had to really work to convince myself to focus on sex every single time, that that relationship wasn’t right for me.

Of course, there are still moments with my current partner where I get distracted or want to change course, but I just tell him and he adjusts and we move forward together.

Not much more to add. Personally I binged on TV shows I hadn't seen; not sure that was the best move but yeah it did give me something to do, a bit of a passion to indulge. See I am a bit of a geek but through vagaries of having been in the army and other things, had missed out on a lot of TV. A relatively undemanding hobby helped me just tune out the world when that innner voice gets too busy.

Don't be afraid to call on your friends to get out the house for a drink (or whatever.) More than ever this is a time where if it all seems to be going to hell, you need to be with a good friend you can trust. You don't need them to be confessors or anything, just good company that you can call on who'll understand if you're not super chirpy.

I count it as a triumph that I'm still good friends with my ex, I think that's helped a lot. It sounds like you may have been in a similar situation to myself, a partner who didn't know how to communicate. You'll beat yourself up about it but realize it takes two to tango and there's only so much you can do. It may help to read a book about communication: this one gets a good rap. Not so much because you need to learn, just because that that's the way I personally work through things. Okay so I didn't do so great at that, how can I fix this? It's doing something positive.

All that worked for me, hope you find your way and bounce back :)

It might be that blogging isn't for you, and if that's the case, there's nothing wrong with that! You know you enjoyed writing a book. I think if the main factor holding you back from working in another (even if just for fun), is feeling you shouldn't do it yet, maybe you could try and identify your reasons for feeling that way. Are the reasons for not doing it as strong as the sense of purpose you feel when writing? Is it because you truly don't want to work on another book until you hear from your editor, or is it because you feel like you're supposed to wait to write until you hear from the editor? Several of my favorite authors have books that were released after they became well known, but were written before their actual first published book. So I don't know if there's any clear should/shouldn't in your situation!

I have a few books (both regular and workbook style) on planning out a blog saved to my wish list.

I have a small, 4 year old blog with a small following (around 200 views a day on average during times I'm not actively writing on it). It mainly was built by connecting with other bloggers and commenting on their blogs, as well as by learning about how to get my blog to show up in Google searches (I only had to learn it once, do it, then haven't messed with it since, although I probably should). At first, it was only read by my family and friends. I am considering these books because I haven't felt like writing lately, and want to put more thought into the structure of my blog.

EPIC BLOG: One-Year Editorial Planner

The Ultimate Blogger To-Do List

How To Style Your Brand

Blog, Inc.: Blogging for Passion, Profit, and to Create Community - I borrowed this one from the library yesterday.

If money were no object, I would get this one because I really like parts of it, however the parts about taxes and employees and the like wouldn't be of use to me! I also don't know why it's for women not men... Marketing, I suppose The Conquer Kit: A Creative Business Planner for Women Entrepreneurs

This is my favorite of the guided journal type books I purchased. Design the Life You Love I am only a little into it, however I think it is perfectly suited to our personality type.

Edited: formatting and forgotten thoughts

Sure. Feel free to pm me any time you have a question. Remember that the folks at /r/polyamory have been known to give very good advice and anecdotes. If you live in a bigger city then there's a chance that you have a local poly community who meets up for the sake of camaraderie and advice. And do read Sex at Dawn. There's also another pretty good intro to nonmonogamy book called Opening Up

Of course, I was scared of what it would mean for my ltr relationship to open up. I was worried that it might mean I just secretly didn't love the guy, that he wasn't 'the one' (ugh, can't stand the concept of the one now that I've thought about it for a few years). I was scared that he'd meet someone new who was just so much better than me that he wouldn't need me any more (I struggled a lot with my self-esteem back then)

I had expected that I just wouldn't fall in love (a very naive assumption for an infj going into a deep, trust-based and sexual connection to a person they like) When I did start falling in love I was scared that my feelings would just transfer over to the new person as if we have finite amounts of love.

I was elated when I discovered that (much like how I still love and appreciate all of my exes even though I no longer feel 'in love' feelings for them) I was easily able to love many people, intensely. Rather than one love weakening another, it strengthened my certainty because I was going to each partner willingly, rather than because I had to love them or burn that bridge completely so that I could love someone new.

It also helped a lot because I used to make my partnership my whole identity, but now I get to play into the very different facets of my identity (and play with my injf masks) by dating different kinds of people and having totally different sorts of interactions. Some partners are very cerebral, some very physical, some very silly. I get to keep learning new people and helping them feel loved, valued and special.

Of course I still get twinges of jealousy, but I see now how it comes from being afraid that I am not good enough, valuable enough or worthy or love and commitment from others. Now that I've seen the root of the problem I am really able to grow as an adult woman. I feel far more accepting of myself now that I've gone through the wilderness of this little experiment.

Couple of things!


When I had my first kid, giving birth ain't no joke. I feel like an Olympian who completed some pro-marathon (: I was also proud of my second child but that birth experience was a scary complicated c-section where I had a real possibility of bleeding out and not getting to watch my children grow. I took a similar pic with my second but I was super drugged up lol and look out of it.


Single-mommin: This one is sad mixed with awesome. Due to a SO that just wasn't interested in reality and had lots of problems, I had to raise my kid solo. It was extremely difficult and I also became a really strong individual who didn't really care about others peoples expectations of me and my kid. (I also had a support group shoring me up mentally).


Completing my first trail Ragnar, a team race where 8 people run in shift non-stop for 112ish miles. Running out in the wild at night, pushing yourself and the bonding that goes on is amazing (: It was a proud moment to receive medals as a team.


Completing my first story and submitting it to a contest. I didn't win the contest but I won the writing game because I freakin finished something! I went on to make it prettier and publish it. It's not the most amazing story, I'd say I'm intermediate at writing, but it pushed me to be better and I got over the "will I ever put a book out there?" question. Very proud of my little novella.


This might sound lame but being a Lyft driver and doing very well at it made me very proud. It was the first job I'd had that was all me and respected(not by the wider world...hmm that is hard to explain let's just say it was nice to be making money and doing something useful and doing it well).

I like Camus a lot, but his prose is super hard to read sometimes. I don't really like Nietzsche; he's a massive fucking dick. I like Camus leagues more because Camus explains things and leads you to his conclusion while Nietzsche just preaches and rambles on about how much he hates this or that and how stupid this or that is.

Not all of these called themselves philosophers, but here's some I like:

I'm not stoic by any means, but I love Marcus Aurelius's Meditations. I think it's interesting how someone could write musings that are relevant millennia later.

John Milton wrote Paradise Lost, but he has a ton of prose too. Here's a book full of it along with annotations and modernized grammar. Milton wasn't the most satisfactory person, but his writing is incredible.

I haven't read this myself, but a friend of mine really liked Man's Search for Meaning by Frankl. Some of his friends called him pretentious for reading the book though (I wasn't one of them).

If you like Camus, you'll probably like Sartre's Existentialism is a Humanism. Again, I haven't read it myself, but it was also recommended to me because I like Camus.

Jean-Paul Marat was a journalist during the French Revolution, but his writings sometimes crossed into philosophical territory. He was a huge populist, and I love his work when he's not calling for the deaths of hundreds of people. You can read some of it here.

I'm huge into theology, so I love Thomas Aquinas. He wrote a lot about theology and Christianity and was a major Christian apologist. He also dabbled in theodicy. Smart man.

And to mix it up, here's one I haven't checked out but is top on my list: Sor Juana Inés de la Cruz's Selected Works. She was a writer and a nun from Spain who was self-taught--all qualities you usually don't find in philosophers, so she'll be a unique read.

Have you ever read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman?

It sounds like you really want to connect with your girlfriend on a deeper level and understand what makes her tick. There are some underlying commonalities with all INFJs, but I'm also reluctant to generalize a specific person. "The Five Love Languages" is a wonderful, quick read that allows you to develop a relationship that is based on a mutual understanding of what makes the both of you feel appreciated and loved.

Sounds cheesy, right? I thought so, too, but I think the benefits outweigh the cheese.

"You gotta be more sensitive" is a request for cognizance more than anything, a reminder of selfless thoughtfulness. Even if you don't fully understand where she's coming from, sit down with her and say, "Sweetie, I've been putting a lot of thought into us being apart, and I want to make this as easy on you as possible. What can I do to help? Would you like me to set up time to spend together? How about Skype? Why don't we plan out a few visits? What would you prefer?"

This initiative will be greatly appreciated. As an INFJ, I'm usually the one who is preemptive of others' needs. I'm always grateful when people make the effort. It doesn't matter exactly what they say -- oftentimes, it's the thought that counts.

You're welcome! All relationships are different, so I don't want to over-generalize or give advice that may harm yours when a more specific approach for your situation might have happier and longer-lasting results. It sounds like your boyfriend has some challenges to face about trust. I can say I've been there. A healthy relationship is one of the best arenas for working on that, especially if you are understanding and work with him to build that. I don't know how long your relationship was long-distance, but speaking from experience, being in an LDR and overthinking things can lead to a lot of personal trust hurdles that lead to imagined issues.

I would start digging around the internet for articles and techniques for "building trust in a relationship." Sift through them and see if there's anything you can do from your end. Maybe there's something you could show him and talk about together.

Your approach to handling the interested guy is something you should develop for yourself. Figure out effective ways that you're comfortable using in those situations. You may need to begin with a "hard no" in situations and slowly ease into more tactful techniques as you gain confidence. It may be as simple as being direct and asking the guy in class if he's looking to date you. If he says yes, you can tell him you're in a happy relationship and not available. Reading your response immediately made me think of this book that always catches my eye when I see it sitting on my therapist's shelf. I haven't read it, but the material seems applicable.

Communication is key in a committed relationship. You should both have an idea of what your ideal relationship looks like. You should both know that about each other, too. If there's a mismatch, those are things that need to be talked about. There may be some deal-breakers there, but it's far more painful to hide from those and let the tension build up over time than to cut the cord now.

>"And now I cannot see in [my]self what I see in others - hope, potential, and greatness. I see that in every person, but myself. I have this ability to see more in every broken person that I encounter. I see past each person's mistakes and past. I see what this person can become. That gives me the chance to show this person the greatness within them.
So I end up living a life telling other[s] how great they can be. Yet I see nothing in me."


This is hauntingly and beautifully written. Your words are remind me of what I had been struggling with these past couple years. I started to withdraw myself from everyone and found myself on a dark, narrow, lonely path with nothing but my own imperfections and failed potential staring me back in the face. No matter how I tried to be positive and find the good in myself, it never worked. Being an INFJ, I've always felt the burdens of the whole world and all the people that I've known weigh on me. Even if I hadn't talked to a friend in the longest time, I would feel for them some semblance of an endearing love; I would want the best for them, for them to be happy and be the best they could ever be. I hated that I cared so much for them and this caused me to withdraw even more. My friends thought I stopped talking to them because I stopped caring, but that was never the case. I didn't want to burden them with any of my problems and it was just too hard to deal with all their issues when I, myself was not sorted out. I am currently in my 6th year of college, with my planned graduation in a year or so. Although I have received so many undeserved chances, I have kept struggling with my issues and kept questioning the world around me and being upset at myself for not being able to do what I knew I wanted for me to have done. Only recently, have I finally started to feel like I am living for the first time. I won't go into too much detail, but it was centered around my faith and also medication that helped me to face myself. Although I am not completely well yet, I feel that I am slowly making progress and beginning to appreciate the personality traits that I carry and accept myself for who I am.



I cannot promise you that it will get better. I cannot say that you will one day accept yourself and be happy with who you are. You will always care for other people. No matter how much you hate it, you will always have an unwarranted sense of responsibility for all the other humans in this world. It won't be easy, but please don't give up. If you drift down the indifferent and apathetic road, you will just wake up months/years later and be in the same position, most likely more depressed and more crushed. Start small and work from there. I started watching videos and reading encouraging books. I started to keep a journal where everyday, I write three things that I am thankful for in my life. Don't overthink things and don't make it more complicated than it is. My whole life I've tried to figure it all out by thinking everything through and in the end I would just end up a hopeless mess that was worse off then I started. Stop thinking about how miserable you are or all the missed opportunities you had. You can't change any of those, but what you can do is change what you do starting from today. Think about all the things that you are grateful for that are important to you. Hold on to those things and protect them. Remember the most important thing to INFJ's is to work on yourself first. Focus on yourself and what you know you need to do. Even though it seems contrary to who you are, force yourself to do that, because you can actually help others better if you yourself are more stable and of sound mind. I know you feel all alone and that you've dug yourself in a humongous hole. Don't worry! We are all here with you ;]. Take baby steps and maybe one day you will find yourself in a place where you can use this experience to help someone else who is struggling through a similar situation!

These have been a lifesaver for me as I have heightened sensitivity to loud sounds and also recently became more conscious about protecting my hearing. I use them in both concert and everyday settings and in addition to protecting my hearing during intensely loud performances, they also help me tune out loud, distracting noises when I'm trying to focus in everyday settings, which was an unexpected, but welcome benefit.


Just a thought for making it through large festivals as high fidelity earplugs allow you to hear what others are saying more clearly as well, which can cut down some of the frustrations of interactions in that setting (like having to shout-repeat yourself 3 or 4 times to someone). This is because they attenuate sound evenly across the frequency spectrum, which results in an effect like turning the volume down, without losing any of the quality of the music—it's incredible. In any case, I hope you enjoy the festival and have the opportunity to see some wonderful live sets!