(Part 2) Best products from r/introvert

It sounds like this is a somewhat recent change. Is that the case? I feel like I've been experiencing similar things. Some days I wish I had more friends, or I feel that a healthy person should have friends, but when it comes down to choosing to meet with a friend or to be solitary, the path of least resistance is to be solitary.

I didn't realize until recently that I'm an introvert. I thought I was just a flawed extrovert, and that extroversion is normal. But, I've amped up my social and professional extroversion in the past year, and (seemingly paradoxically), my relationships have tanked. So, I've been reading more about it lately, and I suspect that my efforts to engage with the world like an extrovert exhaust me. At work, for example, I interact with people a lot, I have no private space, and I behave much like an extrovert. By the time I get home, I just want to shelter, process, and rest. So, I don't talk on the phone or make plans with friends.

What I'm working on now is familiarizing myself with what I need to thrive socially. What does it mean to be a healthy, social introvert? It's such an unfamiliar concept in a society of extroversion, but I suspect this may be my path through these types of feelings you've described. If you're like me, you may want to have loving relationships, but you feel crippled.

Anyway, I wouldn't jump to narcissism or a personality disorder, as others have. The book that I'm finding really encouraging (and empowering!) right now is this one, and I do recommend it.

I had an MRI and they gave me these ear plugs. They're better than my noise canceling ear buds, but don't cut out all the noise. They're pleasant, sometimes I even wear them to the store, driving, or just around the house. Amazing how cutting out the white noise helps me focus on just about everything. Even making morning coffee. Or maybe a different way of looking at it is how distracting even the tiniest of sounds are. I seem to want to identify every little noise I hear, and it's nice to let that go for a bit. Anyways, they're awesome, as long as you DGAF about wearing orange ear plugs in public. I bet you could find beige ones.

Also have you heard this ted talk? She talks a little bit about how typical classrooms and work environments are open floorplans, and how detrimental that is to introverts and a lot of creative types. I bet she goes more into it in her book, Quiet.

I recommend reading The Positive Power of Negative Thinking by Julie Norem.

It's been a few years since I read it, so I don't remember it in detail, but the idea, as I recall, is that what you're describing is more of a pessimistic behavior than an introvert one. I would expect the two correlate often, but aren't necessarily linked. Simply put, pessimism is considered thinking before you act/speak, not so much the popular "glass-half-empty" concept, whereas optimism is acting/speaking before you think. When I read the book, it seemed that the research was still relatively new, and somewhat controversial, so there may be better materials available, now.

As a pessimistic introvert, the book very much resonated with me. It doesn't follow the age old idea that optimists are successful because they are optimistic, and if pessimists want to be successful, they too must be optimistic. Instead, the research showed that pessimists acting optimistically were more likely to fail, and it suggests that pessimists should embrace their pessimism, and find ways to use it to their advantage in work/society.

Anyway, it was a short book without too many psychological/research details, and was a good overview/eye-opener for me. While the details have escaped me over the years, the general idea has stuck, and I find it much easier to deal with things like having to think before I speak.

edit: mixed up a few words

This book! I haven't read it, but check out the synopsis:

>Devora Zack, an avowed introvert and a successful consultant who speaks to thousands of people every year, found that most networking advice books assume that to succeed you have to become an extrovert. Or at least learn how to fake it. Not at all. There is another way.

>This book shatters stereotypes about people who dislike networking. They’re not shy or misanthropic. Rather, they tend to be reflective—they think before they talk. They focus intensely on a few things rather than broadly on a lot of things. And they need time alone to recharge. Because they’ve been told networking is all about small talk, big numbers and constant contact, they assume it’s not for them.

>But it is! Zack politely examines and then smashes to tiny fragments the “dusty old rules” of standard networking advice. She shows how the very traits that ordinarily make people networking-averse can be harnessed to forge an approach that is just as effective as more traditional approaches, if not better. And she applies it to all kinds of situations, not just formal networking events. After all, as she says, life is just one big networking opportunity—a notion readers can now embrace.

I know you said you are shy, but it sounds like a lot of the information in there will still apply to you. One of the reviews was even titled "Great for the shy".

You can also Google "networking for introverts" and "networking for shy people" - I just tried and came up with a lot of articles for both. There are heaps of people in the same position as you, and there seems to be a lot of help available these days. Good luck!

I'm an introvert & married an introvert. We're both in our 40's, been together for 3 beautiful years.

One of the things that helped us know the other was "the one" was the fact that we lowered our guard very quickly so the "getting to know you" initial stage flew by.

I've never been so comfortable with another human being in my life. Even knowing she was an introvert, I worried about "me time" when we moved in together and cobbled out an escape room quickly, but just as quickly I found I didn't need it as an escape, only for study when she's got the TV on.

We tend to be really chatty first thing in the evening as we catch each other up on our day but then it settles into quiet. She's an artist and I a full-time student so we enjoy the quiet. We just got back from a professional convention (mine) and it was an 8 1/2 hour drive each way. We probably only talked for maybe 2hrs each way (in brief spurts), the rest was passed with music or silence.

We know an author who writes about introversion and we were extensively interviewed for her latest book. I haven't seen the book yet (we'll be getting a copy soon) but its currently for sale on Amazon. This and "Quiet: The Power of Introverts" by Susan Cain are highly recommended.

Introverts in Love: The Quiet Way to Happily Ever After

The thing I've gotten the best at is listening. Because I've finally found a fellow introvert (more introverted than I am, actually) I've gotten better at quietly listening and asking questions than I ever have been. As others have said, it will require patience. As introverts are the minority, most of our dating experience tends to be with extroverts so we have to learn new relationship skills to date a fellow introvert.

Both of you will likely lower your guard and become more chatty when alone. That's what happened with us. When we're at a group gathering, we make minimal smalltalk and then escape. For brief periods each day, we're as chatty as extroverts, but only with each other.

I'd definitely recommend Friday, as another poster already mentioned. I'd also include Onirim. Both are great solo card games that have interesting gameplay.

Lastly, head on over to /r/boardgames and check out the sidebar section, "Get Help Picking a Game." They have links to some threads on solo game recommendations that might also help.

I hope you find something you like.

I am finding it very challenging. Even thinking about times that I've felt anxious can make me feel anxious, and this method pretty much requires you to look at anxiety and dissect it. There's also substantial 'homework' in the form of one or two page worksheets where you try to identify the individual thoughts, feelings, behaviors, physiological symptoms (heart racing, tingling in extremities, tightness in the chest, and such).

I found a therapist that had some pretty impressive credentials on the internets, met with her and chose her out of the other ones I was checking out. Her assessment was to work on the social anxiety first since it is looking like my largest issue and to see what's left - she claims that often other problems like depression go away when you can handle your social anxiety. I agree with her, and am so far still impressed.

She started me almost immediately on a workbook she's used before titled Managing Social Anxiety. There are a couple of other social anxiety workbooks I've seen, but I'm focusing on this one first. And maybe last! I'm sure it's possible for someone to go through these sorts of workbooks alone, though I find the therapist really helps keep me honest - as in presenting to me things that I hadn't even realized I was avoiding.

The general idea for CBT (as far as I can tell, I'm no expert) is that you learn how to catch these thoughts and feelings and try to cast them in a more objective light to see if your reaction is reasonable. CBT can be effective for many other disorders, too.

I am hoping it will help.

Haven't read it, but I stumbled on a book cover for Alone: The Badass Psychology of People Who Like Being Alone and it depicts someone at the movies, just like yourself, having a blast. Congrats :)

I know most people will recommend that susan cain book, "Quiet" if you asked about something to be uplifting about introvertedness. However I would recommend the book Lincoln's Melancoly, by Joshua Shenk. It's a book which explores the personality/depression of Abraham Lincoln, and made me feel a lot better about being alone and following my own introvert tendencies. Plus you get to learn a fair amount about one of the great leaders of the US.


Here's the amazon page which probably has the ISBN if you want to find it at your local library.
http://www.amazon.com/Lincolns-Melancholy-Depression-Challenged-President/dp/0618773444

Yup that makes three of us, I'm sure there's more people in this subreddit like this.

I know I have lost friends and relationships over this thing, so here's the conclusions that I have reached, please correct me if I'm wrong because I also need the feedback:

• It's all about being social nowadays isn't it? social media, social networks, everything is SOCIAL now, the internet used to be the one public place where we could hide in but not anymore, we're living in introvert's hell in a way, good thing there's places where we can meet where we don't have to take pictures of ourselves and can just write anonymously right? (thank you for this reddit)
  
  
• I think all introverts at some point realize that even though we have been like this since we were born, the world as it is right now is not made for the introvert but for the extrovert. Being social is seen as a quality whereas being withdrawn is seen as a defect of character, I never knew what the world was like for left-handed people until now.
  
  
• We are introverts till the day we die, we are never going to like being social as much as the next guy but that's ok because we hold a lot of wonderful and amazing things in higher regard than becoming socialites. That being said I don't think introverts want to be stigmatized as social outcasts (everyone wants to feel included) so until people become more tolerant about it we have to work on our social skills but without straining ourselves unnecessarily.
  
• As it is pointed out in this neat little article right there on the right hand side of the screen there's a difference between being introverted and being shy, so we have to work on dealing with the shyness (if we have it) as much as possible, perhaps it is a matter of raising self-esteem or as it is now more aptly called: self-compassion.
  
  
• In some other cases it may be a matter of learning how to trust people more, even strangers (I know it takes me a while to warm up to people) so we can talk to them as easily as we do to the people that we have known for years.
  
  
• We have to work on our people skills, social etiquette, emotional intelligence, perhaps learn how small talk even if we hate it (I know, I know, boring conversations we can't relate to, etc.)
  
  
• BUT we also have to learn the limits of this: first and foremost that we cannot ever become extroverts, so if we can't get it 100% right in social situations and can never learn to enjoy socialization as much as the rest of society THAT IS OK, if we can educate the people that love us into understanding us, they will eventually learn to tolerate what they may perceive as shortcomings. Socialization is not our biggest strength but we have many others and we have bigger fish to fry.
  
  
• Finally, I believe it is important to present yourself as you are, yes "faking it till you make it" is an invaluable tool that can take you very very far, especially if avoiding social situations is becoming an obstacle in your career or love life, but if you fake it all the time (especially with people you are intimate with) and create a false persona, eventually you're gonna get tired and the mask is going to fall off and although it is unfair, people are going to be disappointed.
  
  Better to be with people that know you are an introvert and know that you are trying your best, than with people that only like you because they think you're an extrovert and as years go by, come to realize that you are not.
  
  THAT being said, I wouldn't begin courting someone by stating that I'm an introvert, I might as well say that I'm shy weirdo, not very sexy (of course, this may change in the future).
  
  (I brought enough grammatical errors for everyone, please don't get excited about pointing them out, English is my second language and I'm at work so I can't proofread what I just wrote)

Not a doctor, but that sounds more like social anxiety to me.

Perhaps something useful for those with social anxiety, something my therapist recommended.

http://www.amazon.com/Letting-Go-Stress-Steven-Halpern/dp/B00009N1WZ

He told me to listen to one track once a day, every day, for 4-6 weeks. (Listen to them all and pick your favourite.) Same time every.. well, week. Like, 5:30 every weekday, noon every weekend day, would be fine. I've just started, but it does seem to be making a difference. My blood pressure dropped dramatically, but I have no idea if listening to this caused that, or it was just a coincidence.

Edit- Er.. This was given with good intentions, I am unsure why I'm being downvoted.

I think the main reason we have such a hard time being cool with being alone is that it we have never learned how to spend productive alone time. Has anyone ever prepared you for allowing yourself to spend time alone without being afraid of missing out?

Im going to post a link here for a book I have written on how to learn spending time alone. I hope its not considered spam, its free on kindle unlimited anyways. I really hope it helps others learning to love solitude like the things I write about helped me. BTW I am writing this travelling Europe by myself. Not because I am lonely, but because I wanted to spend time alone. It's tough, but it's rewarding! Here is the link: Alone Time

Let me know what you think.

Check out Susan Cain's book Quiet. If anything, it may make you feel a little more vindicated for being who you are.

With that, yes, the world is pretty well built around extroverts at the moment, but it is navigable if you have the tools. I recommend finding a therapist, not just for developing tools for your introversion, but also to maybe get some help with your social anxiety. If you can't afford one, and can't find a sliding scale one, a friend of mine with bipolar disorder highly recommended this book for developing some basic CBT therapies for navigating whatever kind of anxiety you have.

Self help books never did much for me. I personally think reading literature that is more challenging or out of your element is more useful for general self help.
Not really a self help book , but I'll plug Siddhartha by Herman Hesse here if you haven't read it. Did more for me than any self help book I researched.

I liked this better Networking for People Who Hate Networking. I bought this a while back it has good tips in it for networking for introverts. I was able to go to a large convention and even ask questions to the speaker without feeling over whelmed. It focuses on meeting a few people at a time and taking short breaks to go out side or go to the restroom or your car and just relax for 5-10 mintues.

Introverts in the Church

The Introvert Advantage

The Introverts Way - Living a quiet life...

Introvert Power - Why Your Inner Life is Hidden Strength

Networking for People who hate Networking

There you go. Just a few. Read all of these on Kindle.