(Part 2) Best products from r/mentalhealth

Asking yourself "What are the facts?" and questioning whether the worrying you're having has any legitimacy to it. It's super easy for our minds to wander, but a lot of the time the things we tell ourselves would sound silly if we said them out loud.

Asking yourself "What's the best thing that can happen in this situation? And what's the worst?" This allows you to also focus on the good that could come of the situation.

A helpful one is drawing a circle. On the inside of the circle you are going to write down the things you directly have control over, and then on outside of it you're going to write down the things you don't have any control over.

It would be nice if you had someone to process this with in person, but what would it mean to get "the call?" What does it mean to you when you don't get "the call?"

I don't know what religion you are distancing yourself from, or the situation around it. If this applies to you then great, for a lot of people praying about the things they worry about and have no control over gives them a sense of peace, that someone is "looking over" you/your loved ones.

There's a bunch of awesome meditation apps, I really like Stop, Breathe & Think, which has several breathing and meditation guides. These are helpful to physically calm your body down.

Distraction is great when your mind begins to catastrophize. Focusing on a sensation, such as things you feel, see, smell, taste, and hear in the moment. Mentally imagining yourself at the grocery store, walking up and down the isles, visually imagining grabbing the items you need from the shelves.

If you don't have any way to access a therapist, journaling can help be an outlet to get your thoughts out. Talking to a friend or family member, and identifying who those social supports are in your life. Hugging people helps get that oxytocin running through your body (the average person needs 10 hugs a day). There are even some anxiety workbooks you could probably do yourself. Here's a good one: https://www.amazon.com/Anxiety-Worry-Workbook-Cognitive-Behavioral/dp/160623918X/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_14_t_0?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=TGVHCAXN9ZVPCRNZDP49

Using coping skills takes practice, but the more you use them, the easier it will be for you to access them. Feel free to message me if you want to talk more!

I use a smartwatch called pebble. I really like it. It tracks my sleep very accurately, and tracks my pulse pretty well too.

Pebble is a now out of business company that was acquired by fitbit about a year ago. So if you buy the pebble with the heart rate monitor, you'll be getting the same tech as a fitbit basically. It also has about a week of battery life and takes about an hour, maybe two, to charge fully. On top of all that, because it's out of business now, the "Pebble 2 +HR" (the only one with a heart rate monitor) only runs for about $79 USD.

That being said, there are a few drawbacks. Because the company is out of business, there's no warranty program. Another drawback with the price is the screen. It's pretty good, but it's no apple watch. It's an "e-paper" display, but it works great for me and saves battery. Another drawback is there isn't as many apps as the apple watch or fitbit, and it isn't touchscreen.

All in all, I love my pebble. The user interface, although not touchscreen, is super great. It tracks my sleep super well, tracks my heart rate well, and functions as a normal smartwatch. It works perfectly for me. It's also extremely customizable. I would watch some reviews I'd you're considering buying it, just to be sure, but I can't recommend this watch more.


Here's the link if you want to look into it some more.
Pebble 2 + Heart Rate Smart Watch - Black/Black https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01KM4NJQA/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_GToozbQG6MADG

Hi. I'm sorry that you're struggling so much, I know the struggle so well. I've been sabotaging my relationship for years because of very similar issues.

A clarifying question - are you old enough to see a psychologist/psychiatrist on your own? Or even just a doctor, for the time being for medication to help you?

The great news is this - you know there's a problem. Many people can't even see that enough to begin to get help, so you're a step ahead of the curve!

A reality check about your boyfriend - here's the deal. You love him, I'm assuming and he loves you. It's your responsibility to take care of yourself as it's his responsibility to take care of himself. What that means is if you tell him, and he doesn't feel up for the job and he leaves - that's not rejection. What it is, is him doing the best thing for both of you. I know it doesn't seem like it, but talking to him about it is going to do one of two things - 1. You'll have the support and patience from him and you two can work on getting better together. or 2. You'll know that you two are not a compatible match.

Either way, as it stands - your words seem to say that you feel unlovable the way you are (because you're afraid of him rejecting you), do you think you stand the chance at getting better if you always feel like you're hiding your real self from him? You're missing out on a very powerful opportunity - to learn that you're lovable with your perceived imperfections, whether that's from him or from someone else.

((hugs))

If you're not familiar with this website, it's very helpful: https://www.bpdcentral.com/

Don't worry about whether you "have" a personality disorder or not, focus on the behaviors and thoughts and how to improve them.

Some resources that may help you:

NonViolent Communication - Helping you learn how to know your needs, communicate them and to hear others, as well as communicating compassionately with yourself.

Here's a video about it.

Mind over Mood is an awesome workbook to help change the way we think.

Honestly, I've thought about the bed pop-tent (the 2nd option) before. It's actually bigger than the expensive version. I think the pricier version is mostly a rip-off, anyway. It's pretty small, would get old fast, doesn't allow for sitting up, and would take up a ton of space. A lot of the high-end features (mood lighting, soft cushions, soundscape) are super easy to simulate.

Here are some possible ways to simulate the same environment in a bed or closet. All of these options helped get me through a rough bout with post-partum depression:

• I highly recommend mynoise.net for the world's most comforting and huge variety of white noise, nature sounds, tonal drones, and binaural sounds. Free! I use it so often that I ended up donating, which I never do.
  
  
• Amazon has lots of cheap options for mood lights that project colors and ocean waves, with speaker hookups to play sounds through your laptop or phone. This one looks promising, but there are a lot of options.
  
  
• A cool mist essential oil diffuser can add aromatherapy. I have something similar to this next to my bed.
  
  
• Finally, you could invest in the comfiest possible bedding. A feather bolster, down comforter, excellent pillows, etc.
  
  With the combination of the above, you could probably have a much nicer, more personalized "sanctuary" for much less than the pod costs. You could also think about hanging pretty bedcurtains, draping twinkle lights or silk flowers, or other touches that appeal to you. Also try /r/cozyplaces for some cool inspiration. Good luck!

I've found it helpful with sleep. I typically use lavender at night and it really calms me. Using it during the day has been somewhat helpful but I've noticed if I'm around the scent too long or it's too strong I'll get a headache. I'm sure everyone is slightly different, but I will say it's definitely helped. I got into a routine of using it at nighttime about an hour before bed. I would turn it on while getting ready for bed then spend about an hour awake with it just relaxing. I tried to get into a routine with it so my body and mind would understand it's time to relax and settle down. Honestly that in itself has done wonders for me. I don't use it as often during the day as I do at night. I have close friends who have diffuser bracelets and necklaces and they've said good things about those.

This is the oil and diffuser I purchased off Amazon. I wasn't looking to spend a lot since it was my first time using either but I'm really happy with both products! Eden's Garden has tons more than just lavender if you'd prefer something else!

Lavender Eden's Garden

Essential Oil Diffuser

Edit: Added more info about how I use it at night.

See if this ted talk interests you : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XuwYvFlNGns

If yes, you could check out Jules Evans' book :

https://www.amazon.com/Philosophy-Life-Other-Dangerous-Situations/dp/1608682293

This book rates high for both an engaging, easy writing style, and serious content of some depth. As the Epicureans (if not the Hedonists) might have noted with approval, it was a pleasure to read. The pantheon of ancient western philosophers have provided a wide range of enduring insights that we contemporary mortals should incorporate into our lives in order to live better and wiser. Some of the many ideas put forth are the following (with, in most cases, a separate chapter for explicating the concept):

-- from Epictetus: the importance of distinguishing between what is and is not under our control in life.

-- from the Stoics: the importance of physical and mental training and discipline.

-- from Epicurus, the importance of savoring the moment, and simplifying one's wants and needs.

-- from Heraclitus, the idea of 'cosmic contemplation', seeing the big picture, taking the long view of things.

-- from Pythagoras, the value of mottos, maxims, and their applicability as a kind of "psychological first aid kit."

-- from the Skeptics, the skill of cultivating a healthy doubt, and avoiding dogma, hero-worship, and over-reaction.

-- from Diogenes, tolerating and celebrating creative anarchy.

-- from Plato, the folly of Utopian schemes.

-- from Plutarch, cultivating heroic (resilient) role models.

-- from Aristotle, the cultivation of character through the practice of virtue; the definition of the good life and the art of flourishing.

-- from Socrates and others, courage and celebration in meeting the end of one's life.

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. Sounds like your family is LDS (I'm an active member). If your parents/family suggest that meds/therapy isn't helpful and you just need to pray, tell them they should read this talk:

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng

It says specifically: "If things continue to be debilitating, seek the advice of reputable people with certified training, professional skills, and good values. Be honest with them about your history and your struggles. Prayerfully and responsibly consider the counsel they give and the solutions they prescribe. If you had appendicitis, God would expect you to seek a priesthood blessing and get the best medical care available. So too with emotional disorders. Our Father in Heaven expects us to use all of the marvelous gifts He has provided in this glorious dispensation."

So an apostle is saying people should seek professional mental help when they need it. Your family seems pretty devout, so maybe using resources that they respect to drive the point home to them may be useful.

There's also a video on the same topic from the church: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IrNqGqy5kbQ

Additionally, since you're gay, you may want them to read "That We May Be One" by Tom Christofferson. He's gay and the brother of one of the current apostles. I doubt you'd agree with a lot of the book's points, but he talks extensively about how his parents were simply loving to him and his partner despite him leaving the church. If your parents are willing to read it, it might help get some of the points across of just treating you with the respect you deserve because it is potentially written from a perspective/source they might be more willing to listen to.

https://www.amazon.com/That-We-May-One-Perspective-ebook/dp/B075DJ2WF6

But no matter what, I hope things look up for you. Don't give up.

I dont really know why doctors won't send you to get herbal medications when some of them are just as effective with less side effects.

Like, anything you can take has complications and potential interactions.. I guess an issue with herbals is the various extracts. But then again thats also a problem with generics.

Ashwagandha is probably the best thing for you.

https://examine.com/supplements/ashwagandha/

KSM-66 or sensoril are the standard extracts, most widely known to be effective. Potential side effects are minor and rare. The studies are done with the extracts, so if you don't get ksm66 or sensoril there isn't any hard evidence to back it up. However, even the whole root products like this one have just ridiculous 'changed my life' type reviews. Yeah there are always a 5% 1 star, but honestly this record is as good or better than what the doctor would give you anyway so shrug. For reasons they're working every day to figure out, everyone responds differently. But generally people respond well :)

Also, st johns root. I havent taken it so I wont recommend it but several studies have been done that show it to be as effective as standard ssri's with less side effects. The effects being, some people get light sensitivity and you can't take it with other drugs as it has potential serious interactions.

http://www.cochrane.org/CD000448/DEPRESSN_st.-johns-wort-for-treating-depression.

Here’s my little slice of advice that stems from my experience of dealing with anxiety issues my whole life. You can’t fight or battle it. You have to submit to it and recognize that it is nothing more than physical reactions and sensations in your body. The more you fight, the more adrenaline is produced.

I highly recommend this book. It helped me a great deal in learning how to treat my anxiety. It’s an older book, so some terminology is a little outdated, but it’s the most helpful anxiety treatment book I’ve ever read. The first half of the book has helped change my life. Here’s were you can find it if interested - https://www.amazon.com/Hope-Help-Nerves-Claire-Weekes/dp/0451167228.

The other general advice is to train yourself to learn that “whatever happens, it will be OK, and mean it.” This is something that takes practice, but truly being ok with the worst case scenarios, even if they’re not in anyway ok, is freeing. The real idea being to not let what ifs to steal current or future happiness.

Best of luck to you.

two years ago things had built up to a point where i felt completely lost. i had gone to therapy before, when things where less dramatic, but had no idea what i was looking for and felt underwhelmed by the results, to say the least. the thought of going through various therapists to find something that would work, seemed ridiculous to me, even more since i had no idea what was going on in my head. i just knew there was a whole box of issues, but didn't know where to start.


i did a lot of research on how to affect my mood and mental calmness and changed a lot of habits. meditation, exercise, outdoor activities, healthy food, active social life (the hardest part) and tons of reading on mental health (shows you're not alone), philosophy (shows people have battled these issues since, like, forever) and whatever interests there may be (shows the world doesn't revolve around you and your shit) all played their part.

at the same time, a friend offhandedly mentioned ayahuasca and i extended my research to the vast field of psychedelic "therapies", a topic i had incidentally been interested in since i was a kid, even with no real exposure up to this point. as a decidedly non-esoteric person i was put off by a lot of the lingo and out there-themes being discussed, but i also found a lot of medical, historical and scientific material on the use of psychedelics. i ended up going to peru and did four sessions with ayahuasca in a center dedicated to "healing". i won't bore you with another tale of "amazing" tripping and puking in the jungle, so to cut a long story short, it helped me a lot and in unexpected ways. biggest thing was probably that i came back to several weeks of positive mental clarity, which helped me find the kind of therapist that would get me ahead.




the most important thing when attempting to go down this road is to do your research. it's still almost impossible to legally use any psychedelics (i'm including mdma here) in an officially controlled setting, so extra care has to be taken to insure the right environment and quality.

i discussed the experience with my therapist and while she readily took it into account as something that had opened some doors for me, i was surprised to learn, that her knowledge of psychedelics seemed stuck in the 1950's. this isn't like homeopathy or some other old remedy that is based on esotericism, superstition or lack of knowledge. there is a huge body of serious scientific work on the topic and in growing numbers.


reading recommendation:

http://www.amazon.de/The-Psychedelic-Renaissance-Reassessing-Psychiatry/dp/1908995009

>I know I sound super desperate for help, sorry about that.

All good. Doesn't read like that to me, more someone encountering a difficult unprecedented situation in their experience and not knowing how to help or proceed :)

>is there any way for me to obtain a therapist's knowledge so I can even remotely help her?

Well you can probably gain some insight by reading and learning about how trauma influences and manifests psychologically and behaviourally, bringing that to the dynamic with your girlfriend, but short of training in psychotherapy, which is years long, it's not a straight forward process of gaining knowledge in this case. Read what you can (or watch vids if that is a preference. Though books on this subject will probably contain more information and details), really listen and be present to your girlfriend. If possible, cultivate patience and tolerance for the the more exasperating aspects of your gfs behaviour. Compassion helps; keep in mind there is pain somewhere even if your gf isn't consciously aware of it. Maybe take notes, make observations, build an operative framework to embed understanding in, specific tactics or methods etc. I dont know; those are suggestions, not prescriptive.

>study material

A couple of books come to mind: The Body Keeps the Score:Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma, and another, more symbolic and depth psychological oriented in its approach
Trauma and the Soul: A psycho-spiritual approach to human development and its interruption. These may be helpful. There's a lot of research and books out there in this territory though, so well worth looking around online and seeing what you can find.

>standard operating procedure

Safety is paramount for those who live with trauma, safety in the environment and with others they're relating to, but more importantly, safety in relation to ones own feelings and embodied states.

Trauma takes up occupancy in ones body in an unconscious (emphasis on unconscious) energetic, emotive sense. It can seem like ones own feelings, thoughts, dreams and sensations are the enemy and attacking ones sense of self out of and through the very ground of that sense of self, acting out by themselves with little conscious control. A weird reversal of normalised associations with ones own experience can be present, as can various psychological defenses, such as dissociation and repression. Profound shame may be existent somewhere, exerting influence, alongside self-loathing and self-doubt. These qualities, as belief, as operative paradigms of psychological orientation, bind and entrap. Trauma and its psychology is complex, entangled.

It's perhaps significant to keep in mind that trauma of the kind your gf has experienced is a rupture in terms of a developing self; somewhere, somehow a break and splitting has taken place. Those split off parts of self still exist somewhere, and all of the original pain associated with them. The aim is integrating these extant parts towards a different kind of wholeness and integrity.

The process I've experienced through a therapeutic alliance has involved re-experiencing these 'splinter psyches' and the attendant affect qualities in a safe and trust based context. I've had to relearn how to be present to my own body and emotions in ways I wasn't familiar with. It was a very painful and confrontational process, long and slow, encountering and metabolising bits and pieces in small chunks, using dream, memory (or lack of), daily relational contexts as leverage, through questioning, into contact with feeling, image, re-embodiment. Learning how to just exist and be with myself in my body, learning acceptance. So lots of grounding and attention to breathing, posture, tension being held, etc.

Not sure if that's really all that helpful, and I'm not a professional.

Imo, trauma doesn't heal by itself and it never goes away until its worked with consciously.

Good luck! It's strenuous and problematic, what you're in.

Disclaimer: This post is in reference to thatCrazyGuitarGuy's post, but not a direct response


Metal is not solely about the music. Theres a part in A Headbanger's Journey where the guy interviews a adolescent bass player that explains his reasons for listening to metal (not-so-nice home life, sense of belonging, etc) and it was something that resonated with me to this day.

Yes, i love metal music, but i also love the metal community. Its a place where its alright to run around screaming at the top of your lungs and letting everyone know exactly* how much you feel. Where you can hop into a mosh pit, into the maw of hell (at the good shows at least), get thrown flat on your back, and be helped up immediately. Its a place where respect is paramount and necessary, but is defined by every negative emotion that the majority of society tells us to ignore.

Well, i dont want to fucking ignore it. I want to scream it to the world from an inch in front of your face. And its perfectly alright, even encouraged, in that kind of atmosphere. Its exhilarating and is, in my opinion, a major source of the psychological comfort that extreme music povides.

I whole-heartedly recommend Sam Dunn's documentary, but also if you haven't read it check out Your Brain On Music

This is the weighted blanket that my mom got me for Christmas. It has the weight guidelines too. Mine is 25lbs and my sister's is 20lbs. I absolutely love it. Also, the same company has corresponding duvet covers for them to keep them easy to clean. I just got a simple cotton one, but they also have minky ones and whatnot.

Also - this is one of the best fidget toys I've ever found. It comes in more masculine colors too, but it's basically a fidget ring. I put it on my forefinger and spin it with my thumb. I love that it's discreet, doesn't make noise, and is easy to use.

Could you be having sleep paralysis? If you're not sleeping well, maybe when you think you're awake you're actually drifting in and out and it's causing the hallucinations and paralysis.

I struggle with sleeping and feeling anxious at night, too. I got a dog and it really helped, and having white noise like a fan, table top water fountain, or something soothing like classical music on low works for me. If you're a person of faith, prayer can be really useful. If you were a kid, I'd suggest making Monster Spray.

Also, idk if you're in treatment but have you tried EMDR? It's great for traumas. Other things to try are TRE and Somatic Experiencing. Check out some of these vids- they might have some helpful insights/suggestions.

What should you expect from therapy

What makes a good therapist

5 signs you are seeing a bad therapist

Which type of therapy is right for me

Choosing your mental health professional

How to start and what to say

How do I stop being afraid to fall asleep?

How can I fight my bad thoughts at night?

How can I stop having nightmares?

How to get sleep

4 tips for better sleep

Sleep paralysis

Psychosis

BPD

anxiety playlist

depression playlist

trauma playlist

PTSD playlist

There's also a book called The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk that extensively talks about trauma's effect on the body and how it can manifest (scientific, but very readable and relatable).

In any case, I'd definitely talk to your doctor about it. Hope you find an answer, take care!

"I just want to be at peace with myself."

This stood out to me. I'm not going to armchair diagnose you, nor try and suggest you do anything particular, I can only say what I've done, and, based on similarities I see in you with me, hope something resonates.

I was fundamentally lost in life, as I suspect a lot of people are to some degree (consciously or subconsciously). I'm not going to say I've found God's given path and oh how I see the light, because I haven't, nor would I believe in something like that. However, I got to the point where logic and my (then) current mode of thinking was no longer serving me, and I knew deep down I needed more. Striving for inner peace was part of it, but a sense of true purpose was what personally drove me. I'm of the opinion they're closely related. After all, I did have a lot of perfectionism, self-loathing, pessimism, and other problems as a teenage boy.

What helped me was spirituality. It's a nebulous term that have positive or negative connotations to different people, but essentially for me it was another way to look at and see my life. Reading up on Jungian philosophy/psychology has given me a lot of perspective on my Self, my inner wounds, my personality, and my coping mechanisms. Thus I have been able to address a lot of social and inner problems (people like Robert Bly, Joanna Macy, Richard Rohr, Thomas Berry, Bill Plotkin are all worth reading too)

There are also a lot of parallels in Jungian thought that show up in traditional mythology/cosmology. Joseph Campbell is a classic in this realm of thought. Essentially, every culture has looked at what it means to be human, and how to develop oneself into a fully human being, at a level of peace with himself and the world around. Modern culture does not have any social framework to churn out psychologically and emotionally healthy adults, so looking at sources that do also helped me understand me (my apologies if I sound like a half-baked enlightenist).

My point is that through all of this reflection, shifting in thinking, bettering my understanding of myself, and so on, I'm no longer such a cynical, depressed person (ok, recently I am due to extreme circumstances, but by and large in the recent past this has been the case). As for the people that only seem to care once suicide is mentioned, or those that tell others to suck it up..I don't think it takes a genius to realize a lot about our society is pretty unhealthy, and that there is a dearth of empathy and wisdom. A lot of people are pretty bad at dealing with other people.

Lastly, I'll leave with a book recommendation (I kind of hate when people do this to me, but I really do think it's worth a look), as it really helped me and my inner healing. https://www.amazon.com/Nature-Human-Soul-Cultivating-Fragmented/dp/1577315510 It starts slow (chapter 2 especially) but by 3 or 4 it gets into things. If what I've said (which is reflected in this book) does not sound helpful to you, then I have nothing else to offer you. But I am under the impression that cultivating wholeness, by examining the Self, is something that all people do benefit from (exactly how is individual of course).

To me, a lot of you sounds stuck, and your worldview is a bit morose as you say. You are not the first to find yourself in your position. I only hope you are able to change that with time, and find what it is deep down you are looking for. Best wishes, friend. You sound like a contemplative person.

What about a balance?

I've always been an introvert myself, but I learned some years ago that these alleged personality types aren't set in stone. Being an introvert doesn't mean being pigeonholed into absolutes such as eschewing company. You can still desire social interaction, but in different settings and perhaps with a smaller group of people. This is a book I recommend for you. It isn't terribly long and I own it myself. It has helped me.

Try getting better acquainted with all those feelings. Like, if you're in a situation where you know logically that you can turn something in and get an excellent score, but it's not totally perfect, try gently flirting with the idea of just turning it in. Then you will feel that part of you which objects roar to life. Just watch the spectacle inside you.

Think of it as preliminary research. You're just gathering data about yourself at this point, making experiments. But by doing this, you might find points of leverage, additional avenues through which you can explore your perfectionistic impulses.

Also, have you ever read any Karen Horney? I was wondering if you might have since you used the term "neurotic perfectionist." If not, give Neurosis and Human Growth a read. You'll absolutely see a lot of yourself in it.

This book, called "When Someone You Love is Depressed," helped me and my mom personally. I recommend it: http://www.amazon.com/When-Someone-You-Love-Depressed/dp/0684834073

Read The Body Keeps The Score. It will help you immensely...it helped me! You will discover why you feel the way you do, what your body/brain are REALLY doing to make you feel the way you do and what you can do about it (both personally and professionally). I promise, it will change ur life.

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma https://www.amazon.com/dp/0143127748/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_2JKIDbS4E3975

The Body Keeps the Score Part 5 which starts with Chapter 13. Your local library probably has a copy you can check out for free. Confirm they have a copy by searching their catalog online before going there. Some libraries have an inter-library transfer service and will deliver it to your nearest library so you can pick it up closer. Browse the books next to it in the same section for similar selections based on its call number. (Someone had to tell me this before I figured it out! It's a great way to find similar resources.)

In addition to the daily stress of a tight, hectic schedule, working in a psychiatric environment you should be aware of what nurses and providers are often dealing with which is secondary traumatic stress (STS). It's a serious source of fatigue and burnout. Working with patients in severe pain or who have suffered trauma can have an effect on us. So we need to be trained in how to process it. Especially if we already have our own challenges we're dealing with.

One of the things about controlling anger. When we have a lot of anger all the time, we tend to try to push it down and keep it in check by maintaining a flat affect. In order to avoid having anger, we get in the habit of not allowing any emotions at all. So part of the therapy I've gotten that worked well is to start to allow emotions back in. Not all at once of course. But to be ok to notice and feel emotions. Let them in enough to be able to say, that's frustration, that's aversion, that's resentment, that's jealous, etc. To put a name on it and let it be there for a minute.

Passive aggressive behavior like aversion and avoiding things is a sign of muted anger. So this is a great personal observation. You are being honest with yourself so don't beat yourself up when you notice it happening. Be especially kind to yourself while you're figuring it out. Getting mad at yourself for getting mad or procrastinating just makes these strong negative feelings last that much longer.

It's ok to slow things down. It's ok to take longer than others to finish the degree. Give yourself time to figure out how to manage studies and self care at the same time. Talk to a school advisor about your options. You don't have to fire through the program and lose yourself in the process. Your mental integrity is key to success so keep it your top priority. All spiritual guides advise you have to save yourself first. Only then you can truly help others. You are already doing great things by aiming for an advanced degree and trying to help others. Go easy on yourself during this time.

Cut toxic people out of your life. Just don't even deal with them. You and your husband can be the island of sanity you have always wanted. It takes work and the bulk of it is communication and building routines together that are both reassuring and flexible with change.

If you feel you will get worse and eventually kill yourself, that is what will come to fruition. If you say "I'm salvageable, I have inner strength I can learn to master and I can create a life for myself", that is what will come to fruition. What's your mantra? Find a phrase that works for you and repeat it over and over. I am a Harry Potter fan and Dumbledore's darkness quote has gotten me through many things. It doesn't matter where you get your inspiration from, only that it has meaning for you.

We all have days where we see a task in front of us and feel like walking in front of a bus instead. It's the truth. And honestly if you ask me, people who say they never have thoughts like that are lying. The same people will say things like "shoot me in the face" when their manager has a fit about something. It's totally normal. So just treat it the same as avoidance or the tendency to want to run away when things get rough. Train yourself to go for walks, look out the window, look at art. Have both quality alone time and quality family time. We can't all go 90 miles an hour 24 hours a day. We're not all built that way and we weren't all raised by the same amazing parents who taught us how to be resilient. Resilience is one of those things we have to learn for ourselves when we don't have anyone to teach us growing up. What do we bounce back from quickly and what takes time? Notice when you need time. When you find something that refreshes you, take note of it. Add a page in your journal and put a sticky on it so it's easy to find. "Refreshing things I love." For me it's gym time, ice cream, dark chocolate and good movies. For you it's going to be something else. Put them high on your list of things to enjoy a couple times a week. Get them in regular rotation in your life.

Commit to therapy. All you have to do is go. If you don't like the first therapist you meet you DO NOT have to keep going to them. Say "thanks" and your'e done with them. Seriously, even if you don't like the sound of their voice, pick another one. You're paying, so you get to choose who you stick with. But keep going. Shop around. Would you prefer a male or female? Older or younger? Definitely of course should be a CBT therapist with family counseling and trauma, sexual abuse experience. Fully licensed. If they tell you to meditate, walk out. You need real advice.

Your husband driving you would be fantastic. If you have to drive yourself get there half an hour early so you have plenty of time to find parking and get in the building to the appropriate office, etc. In the meantime there are free, anonymous phone lines you can call to talk to 24/7.

Talk about your suicidal thoughts, when they usually occur and what they're related to. They are not going to lock you up unless you say you're going to do it after you leave today and that you have a plan. Then they'll Baker act you and you'll probably be in a clinic for a couple weeks. But would even that be worse than the alternative? It's not the end of the world to get help. There's no shame in finding out how to heal. It takes courage to even reach out here and you've already done that.

Sorry for rambling and I know this isn't going to cure you but I can feel the pain in your words and just couldn't help trying to offer something. Hang in there!