(Part 2) Best products from r/mypartneristrans

My ftm spouse came out to me about 3 weeks ago. Well, actually we were separated for about a week because he had grown angry and distant after almost 10 years together. He moved in with a roommate he found and I was sure it was over. Then in the process of talking via text (I was broken-hearted and missed him so much) he told me that he had something that he just couldn’t tell me. I asked if I could guess and he agreed. I asked if he was trans. I was right. We had never talked about it. He had never alluded to it. I guess I just knew.

Fast forward about a week and I asked him to come back home to me and the kids (I have 2 teenagers from my first marriage to a cismale and actually self identified as a lesbian at the end of that marriage). My now husband agreed to come home.

It’s hard. I feel sad, relieved, worried, protective, and so much more. But I do know that I will be staying with my husband. He is still the person I fell in love with. He was a man when we met, he just didn’t reflect it outwardly.

Being the spouse is hard because I feel like there just aren’t many resources or support for me. We have found him a support group that he goes to on Tuesdays (he started last week) and we found him a counselor who is a mtf so my husband has someone who knows exactly what he is going through. Me, well, I haven’t found that kind of support and it feels very isolating.

We are talking... a lot. I am researching more than I researched while obtaining my Masters degree. I am have to figure out as a self identified lesbian what being married to a man means for me. There are a lot of very emotional moving parts on both sides of this transition (he doesn’t know how much or how little he will transition and to what extent).

Counseling will help. Although I have yet to find one I am quite comfortable going to yet. I also bought a workbook that seems great. I did the first 3 exercises in it last night and it had me in tears because it helped me to identify feelings I am having that I had not realized were there.

The Reflective Workbook for Partners of Transgender People...

Best of luck to you and your wife. Make sure she knows that she is not alone.

My favorite I think is Gracefully Grayson. It's a teen-young adult level novel, and by a cis woman, but she's done her homework. It's a very uplifting book. Both my cis gf and I loved it.

You need to get her underbust size, which is probably somewhere around a 45-46 based on that measurement. There's also an AMAB size calculator over at r/abrathatfits now! I decided to buy two packs of these but the max they go up to is a 44 and they run a bit small (my band size is 42.) I love these but they might not be a great option at her current size. Good luck!

I've been in an open relationship for about 9 years.

There's no right or wrong answer. Everyone has to figure out what works for them. We tell each other everything and almost exclusively date and play together. Others do everything separately.

Read this book: https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X

And maybe this one: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1587613379/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_dp_ss_1?pf_rd_p=1944687762&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=157344295X&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=YCQ4324KQD8W090HRZTG

But absolutely the first one.

You need to be able to talk about everything. Deepest fears, expectations, fantasies. Open, honest communication is so important to making this work. Good, clear, respectful boundaries and guidelines help as well.

Jennifer Flynn Boylan has the book: "Stuck in the Middle With You" I didn't read this book because I fall into the 'our children are grown category'. However, I read her other book, "She's Not There" and thought it was fabulous. Maybe give it a shot! :)

This thing is amazing and may help you. :D

http://www.amazon.com/Kuhn-Rikon-Safety-Master-Opener/dp/B000B6NXL6/ref=sr_1_1?s=home-garden&ie=UTF8&qid=1427567322

My sister has 4 kids ranging from (at the time) 4-10. First thing she did was read them I am Jazz.

Then she asked them if they understood what transgender was. When they were clear, she explained that my mtf wife was transgender & that they should feel free to ask questions if they had them.

They asked my sister a few which were answered easily, and two of them asked my wife a few just for clarification. All of the kids took it in stride, and the biggest confusion was learning to call "Uncle S" Aunt M from now on.

As for our daughter, she was 16 at the time, and she immediately started calling "Dad" Mom, and asked if she could do her makeup.

I’ve given copies of “True Selves” to a bunch of relatives. You can get good used copies for only a few bucks (especially if you have Prime) and I think it’s nice to give someone a book that they can read at their own pace.

Great read, couldn't put it down. Started reading it on the plane ride(Raleigh) when I was headed to tell my family about my wife transition. (felt I couldn't tell over the phone) and finished it before arriving in Vegas

"Just Because My Husband's A Woman... https://www.amazon.com/dp/0692955941?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share

Posting
Your wife could try these two web sites for specific information for partners:
http://www.lannierose.com/words/spouses.htm
http://www.transpartners.co.uk/
Or she may find the following link to a book on Amazon Kindle helpful
http://www.amazon.com/Its-Not-All-About-ebook/dp/B004I6D59U
It's Not All About You! By Elisabeth Morrissey

I've started reading this book:

https://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two-Practical-Polyamory/dp/0991399706

I haven't gotten that far with it yet, but it's comforting to know that other people have tried this before me and have some advice.

https://www.amazon.com/Silent-Sorority-Barren-Woman-Angry/dp/1439231567 This one was my favorite.

May i recommend "Fucking Trans Women" for all your questions and advice on some new things to consider?

https://www.amazon.com/Fucking-Trans-Women-FTW-1/dp/1492128937

I'm sorry you and your partner are having to deal with that. Rejection in the name of God, or "I love you but I dont support you wholly because it's against God's will" is all too common and I believe is completely antithetical to what faith is meant for. And, it's frustrating, painful and confusing. I'm a trans Christian and I have had family members insinuate that I don't follow Jesus any more because I'm "no longer following scripture." I don't really have much to say in terms of how to talk with them or where to set boundaries, but I thought I'd pass along some resources that have helped me in discussing with my conservative Christian family.

My friend Austen is a trans Christian theologian and educator. His book Transforming: The Bible and the Lives of Transgender Christians takes a look at interpretations of the Bible that do not lead to "I love you but can't support you fully because it's against scripture."

Gender spectrum also has a page responding to the common "clobber passages" used against trans people in Jewish and Christian scripture.

I read this book to my girls. It covers transition and the op. They both liked it and weirdly, my youngest used to ask for it regularly.

It's not a complex book in terms of the issues and really only serves to say "so this is a normal thing that happens to other children" rather than dealing with any of the side issues, but really helped our family at the time when we needed it:


https://www.amazon.com/My-New-Mommy/dp/1482757192

[NSW] this book F***ing Trans Women is very body-positive and informative. https://www.amazon.com/Fucking-Trans-Women-FTW-Book-ebook/dp/B07N5HDW3H

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1492128937/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_BEwTCb7V8873Z

This book, it will change everything.

I see you said you're with a ftm so this doesn't really help much I guess but there is a zine called Fucking trans women so maybe there are other things around that are similar for trans men.

Hey! I'm in the same boat, rowing in the same direction. My spouse and I have been together for 11 years, married for 6. I was just as pissed as you at first. Felt just as deceived. I got into some therapy, and that's been helpful to work through my feelings. Another thing that has helped is this book - Workbook for Partners of Transgender People

I am also a lesbian and so was he (I guess) and I had some serious feelings because I came out later in life and left a straight marriage before I met my current spouse. Lots of internal conflict about what his transition meant for me etc.... I guess over the last week or so I decided to just love him, and hold on to our marriage. But it's still a struggle.

Anyway, me too, you are not an asshole, everyone has different reactions, and no matter what you will be ok.