If you are new to Sex Addicts Anonymous or to /r/sexAA, if you think you might be suffering from a sexually based addiction, or if you just want to know more about our group... then we suggest reading this post and we hope that you will find something useful here.

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We, of SEX ADDICTS ANONYMOUS, are more than one hundred men and women who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. To show other sex addicts precisely how we have recovered is the main purpose of this book. For them, we hope these pages will prove so convincing that no further authentication will be necessary. We think this account of our experiences will help everyone to better understand the sex addict. Many do not comprehend that the sex addict is a very sick person. And besides, we are sure that our way of living has its advantages for all.

Paraphrased from Alcoholics Anonymous, Foreword to First Edition, xiii

Read: Why the Big Book of A.A.?


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1. No sex addict, man or woman, can be excluded from our Society; our leaders might serve but never govern; each group is to be autonomous and there is to be no professional class of therapy. There are to be no fees or dues; our expenses are to be met by our own voluntary contributions. There is to be the least possible organization, even in our service centers. Our public relations are to be based upon attraction rather than promotion. All members ought to be anonymous at the level of press, radio, TV and films. And in no circumstances should we give endorsements, make alliances, or enter public controversies.
   
   
2. /r/sexAA is not a place to meet sexual acting out partners and it is not group therapy. We try not to use offensive language, or descriptions that are too explicit. We avoid explicit sexual language, names, places, and websites we associated with our acting-out behavior. Because of the nature of our addiction, we take great care when sharing and we strive NOT to share any inappropriate content. Our focus remains on the SOLUTION rather than the problem. If you have any questions please message the mods.
   
   
3. As SAA members the most important symbol of our willingness is a Desire Chip. A Desire Chip signifies our desire to stop our addictive sexual behaviors for good and for all. Is there anyone here who would like to begin their journey to sobriety today? Click here to claim a Desire Chip.
   
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   Tips For Getting Started
   

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4. To better understand sex addiction and to help you qualify yourself, we highly recommend you read What Is Sex Addiction And How Can I Tell If I Have It?
   
   
5. Call into the Saturday SAA Foundation Telemeeting. This is held every Saturday from 10:00 am - 11:15 am EST. 605-562-3140 access code 215701#. This meeting will give you a great introduction to our program and will introduce you to the tried-and-true 12 Step method of recovery.
   
   
6. Read Alcoholics Anonymous: The Big Book --- [(Free Online Version)]
   (http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoholics-anonymous) It contains the original 12 Step program upon which our entire fellowship is based. We have found that is it simple to replace "selfish sex" when we come across the word "alcohol." Or "sex addict" for "alcoholic." There are a few places in the book where we cannot translate the directions word-for-word so that it applies to our sex addiction. Even so, we believe there exists an important reason for working our SAA program as directed by suggestions in the Big Book.
   
   "Of alcoholics, who came to AA, and really tried, 50% got sober at once and remained that way; 25% sobered up after some relapses, and among the remainder, those who stayed on with AA showed improvement."
   
   This indicates a success rate at around 75% during the first 20 years of AA's existence when the Big Book was the only 12 Step book. Read more on Why the Big Book of AA?
   
   
7. We highly recommend you find a qualified "sponsor" and begin working the 12 Steps as soon as possible. Working all 12 Steps with a qualified sponsor is the basis of our program and our society and it is where we believe the path to permanent recovery exists.
   
   
8. All of our meetings are 100% free of charge. If the meeting is attended by recovered sex addicts who have worked the 12 Steps this can be a great place to find a sponsor.
   telemeetings
   in-person meetings
   
   
9. Define your bottom line behaviors and share them with your sponsor. For help on Defining Abstinence.
   
   
10. Many members have found it helpful to add a devotional book to their daily spiritual routine:
    Answers in the Heart
    Touchstones: A Book Of Daily Meditations For Men
    Twenty Four Hours a Day
    
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    ...for the SAA newcomer who identifies as atheist or agnostic.
    

    
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    ...Despite the living example of my friend there remained in me the vestiges of my old prejudice. The word God still aroused a certain antipathy. When the thought was expressed that there might be a God personal to me this feeling was intensified. I didn’t like the idea. I could go for such conceptions as Creative Intelligence, Universal Mind or Spirit of Nature but I resisted the thought of a Czar of the Heavens, however loving His sway might be. I have since talked with scores of men who felt the same way. My friend suggested what then seemed a novel idea. He said, “Why don’t you choose your own conception of God?’’
    
    Do not let any prejudice you may have against spiritual terms deter you from honestly asking yourself what they might mean to you. At the start, this was all we needed to commence spiritual growth, to effect our first conscious relation with God as we understood Him [or Her]. Afterward, we found ourselves accepting many things which had seemed entirely out of reach. That was growth. But if we wished to grow we had to begin somewhere. So at first we used our own conceptions of God, however limited they were.
    
    
    Alcoholics Anonymous, p12, 47
    
    continue reading...
    
    To our atheist and agnostic brothers and sisters, please do not let the spiritual nature of the program deter you from giving it an honest chance. Almost half of the original one hundred members who wrote Alcoholics Anonymous identified as atheist or agnostic. Many of us who have entered the program were not spiritual people and yet we have found a lasting sense of peace and serenity through working the 12 Steps. We are happy, joyous, and free. We are recovered.
    
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    Sex addiction is not a hopeless or unrecoverable condition. Many sex addicts achieve life-long recovery with the help of this program. SAA is grounded in the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous. It is through the application of these fundamental tools that we, sex addicts, recover from this seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.

Dude, this is my first try at it. And it's not been easy. Things that help for me:

• I learned about the physical symptoms of having an addiction craving. Learn your normal resting heartrate, and check your pulse. I get about a 10-15% rise in the rate. When I do that math, and see the rate raise, it's incontrovertible: there's physical evidence that my limbic system is tricking me into wanting it. Then it becomes easier for me to fight it... it's one thing to fap because I want to, but I'm no sucker for my limbic system!
  
  
• I'm not doing nofap. This is another indicator for me... when I'm having an urge, it's OK for me to just go fap while imagining people I know or have seen in real life. And the thing is, 99% of the time I don't end up doing it. It's not as appealing to me, doesn't set off the urge. But being allowed that outlet is key.
  
  
• I have a goal - when I fap, I'm working on the exercises from this book on male multiple orgasm. No idea if it'll work or not, but it means that I'm way more aware of what I'm feeling when I'm fapping... I'm learning sensate focus, which is quite different and better than the stimulation I got from porn.
  
  
• I am active. Holy crap. I take two martial arts now, and between the two of them I have a hard workout at least 4 days a week. I mean come home dripping with sweat kind of work out. I've never been in such good shape in my life, and those make me feel AWESOME. I'm convinced that the dopamine high I'm getting from martial arts is helping me stave off cravings for porn.
  
  
• I'm busy. Really fucking busy. So even if I can convince myself to use MO as a "prize" for finishing a big task at work (I work from home), by the time I get to it the craving has passed and I can decide if I want to use porn. The answer has always been "no."
  
  
• I'm trying to rekindle spark in my relationship with my wife. The extra energy and positivity I feel has been really really good for us, and that makes me feel good, too. So I don't want to lose my momentum there.
  
  Hopefully these pointers will help. Basically you just have to figure out how to convince yourself that you're having a craving, and get the fuck out of the house to do something for 30 minutes. Go for a run, sign up for a class, go to a cafe and read.... anything.
  
  Good luck my friend.

I would try a reset your adrenal health. Stop drinking coffee, eating dairy and meats. Those foods have caffeine, adrenaline, epinepherine, hormones ect that stimulate your adrenal glands much like drugs would. Try and clean your body and mind together. Maybe try switching your meals to healthy fruits and juices in the morning and plant based for lunch at least.

I have found this made things easier on me. I drink alot of herbal teas like Tulsi (adaptogenic), nettle, roiboos ect. They can help rid the toxicity and acids addictions of this nature can store up in your lymphatic system. Because porn is much like drugs you can treat it like a full on detox...think of it as an adventure and segway into a new focus like healthy living. Food is very connected to spiritual health...but not just any food....fruits being at the pinnacle and the vegtables. Fruits are highly alkalizing and astringent to your body...which means they PULL toxcin and removes wastes and negativity from your cells.

A fantastic guide/books for this angle of attack to help with the side effects of the addiction is

The Detox Miracle Sourcebook: Raw Foods and Herbs for Complete Cellular Regeneration https://www.amazon.ca/dp/1935826190/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_doURDbQ3KSVZS

Medical Medium Life-Changing Foods: Save Yourself and the Ones You Love with the Hidden Healing Powers of Fruits & Vegetables https://www.amazon.ca/dp/1401948324/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_aqURDbSCV370W

It may sound hokey at first if this is new to you but trust me this is a great excuse to explore how to heal your whole body and mind holistically.

Body mind spirit. We have 2 lives and the second one begins when we realize we have only 1.

Go get well my friend...your poor body has experiences unnatural levels of stimulation and needs help to reset and defragment. This approach is the ONLY way to truly win IMO.

Sure thing!

Yes, I experienced the post-workout urges before also. Personally, I found it helpful to just MO in these situations, because it gets rid of the need to look at porn.

Church is a definitely a good place to find community, if you can find a good one. I personally think that the question "Why are we here?" is an important one that all of us should consider at some point. Personally, I believe that God created us for a loving relationship with himself, and others. Rick Warren does a good job elaborating on this in his book "What on Earth am I Here For?".

Another place you could look for to find community is Sex Addicts Anonymous.

Best of luck in your journey, my friend.

> The urge surfing recording is pretty good too. I think the key is that you have to keep doing something. Whenever I was bored and had nothing to do, I just defaulted to watching porn. Just fill your day with activities that are engaging. DON'T fill your day with stuff you know you won't do (for me it's reading, english class has ruined that for me lol) but do stuff you legitimately enjoy.

Hey man, you should try reading, there are men and women who spent like 35 years of wisdom in a field, and put their entire life's wisdom in a few pages. Schools ruined it for us but there are A LOT of books out there. Take for example Sam Walton, he made billions, richest man on Earth right? He wrote, on his deathbed, a book, and for like $7 on Amazon you can have the man's lifetime of wisdom.

https://www.amazon.com/Sam-Walton-Made-America/dp/0553562835/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1540042946&sr=8-3&keywords=made+in+america

Reading is AMAZING. All fields. I hope you keep an open mind. As soon as you close down and say "I know that" it's very dangerous, you go like blind.

Man, that sounds really rough. I can identify with that feeling of helplessness, that a part of you wants to use -- even though in your case there's a chance it could literally end your life. That sucks, brother.

Take a few minutes and watch this video about the three phases of relapse. If these are new concepts to you, they'll help a ton. Right now you're feeling like you have an urge, but maybe you don't understand exactly what's going on and why, and this context will be super illuminating.

Your porn use and coke/crystal habits are both kinds of coping skills for all the stresses and anxiety in your life. Neither are good ones, neither are healthy, but they are both coping skills. Once you dumped coke out of your life, the porn 'took up the slack' as your main way of numbing all the stress and pain you feel, from everyday life, and also the truama in your past. (Am I psychic? Nah, this is a recovery subreddit, we've all got trauma.)

I think you can look at both coke and porn as a symptom, one that tells you that you need new coping skills that you haven’t been able to build yet, and this is what you are using in the meantime.

This is one reason why quitting or abstaining from porn is easiest when you are taking good care of yourself. It's a life-changing thing to build up a self care routine that works for you (should include some physical movement or exercise, eating healthy and staying hydrated, meditation, and keeping up your hygiene).

Are you in NA? Have you worked any kind of formal recovery in your life?

If not, my #1 rec for you would be buying the book Recovery by Russell Brand. He's a recovering drug addict, and this book will make you feel much less alone and much less stupid and weak for your past mistakes. It's also a program you can work, it gives you a way to adopt the 12-steps to coke and porn that you can do with your sister as a trusted outside person who can give you feedback and keep you honest.

I bet you're in a ton of pain right now, and I'd also like to recommend The Upward Spiral (There is also a workbook I bet would be absolutely perfect for you.) It's a great, science-based book on how to implement self-care and short-circut the downward spiral that's currently drawing you toward relapse.

Hope it helps, brother. Good luck.

Is using toys bad? Not at all, as long as you are creating an intimate experience together. As far as you not seeing improvement with pied I know a few tricks myself.

1)before you try Viagra get your diet and exercise in check which it sounds like you are doing. Drink lots of water, avoid sugar, and eat healthy fats (avocado, nuts, fish etc)

2)after your diet is worked out if you're still having issues try to relax, your mental state has a massive impact on sexual vitality. Whatever you do to relax do that, just make sure it is a healthy habit.

3) if all of that fails try supplements. Vitamin D and C are no brainers, it also helps to have a simple multi vitamin. You can also try ginseng, dark chocolate, or black raspberries for natural sexual boosts. I also have had great experience with supplementing citrulline malate, it naturally occurs in the rind of watermelons. It processes through the kidneys and causes your body to produce much more L-arginine which in turn is converted into nitric oxide. Nitric Oxide is THE chemical that makes erections happens, all ED pills affect NO levels through one mechanism or another. However These pills are expensive and arguably less effective.

https://www.amazon.com/BulkSupplements-Pure-L-Citrulline-DL-Malate-Powder/dp/B00EYDJTRE?th=1

Supplementing with 2 grams a day of this should produce desirable effects within a week, and is perfectly safe. Take more as desired daily but usually anything over 5 grams is overkill. It's perfectly safe, I was taking 10g a day for months before I begin to feel any negative effects from the high dose (nausea mostly). This is all my own personal research and I weigh 145 so take this with a grain of salt. Just make sure that you are careful because these steps will make you hornier which might make it difficult to stay away from porn, but you know you. Regardless stay strong!

Somebody recommended a chapter of the book Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill to me (the text is freely available on the web, the book is from 1937). This chapter, called The Mystery of Sex, talks about our sexual energy and how it empowers especially men, but can also find a less honorable expression.

A quote:

> A river may be dammed, and its water controlled for a time, but eventually, it will force an outlet. The same is true of the emotion of sex. It may be submerged and controlled for a time, but its very nature causes it to be ever seeking means of expression. If it is not transmuted into some creative effort it will find a less worthy outlet.

So get up and start doing something. Learn to play music, hit the gym, play video games, go jogging, whatever rocks your boat.

> I did stumble across some PUA material that gave me hope to actually approaching a woman and having a flirty conversation.

Hey man if you don't feel comfortable with dating and looking for some ideas on how to approach it healthily, I definitely suggest Models by Mark Manson. It's a gem and it really helped me a lot and it is clear of all that PUA, TRP etc. bullshit. The problem with PUA/TRP mindset is that it reinforces the belief that one has to be manipulative and Machiavellian to get women to be dependent on you. And you will only attract psychologically problematic women with those approaches, a healthy and sane woman will see through bullshit from miles away. You can still be attractive and step up your game and radiate a masculine alpha-like energy without those approaches by just being comfortable with being vulnerable, using your body/verbal language effectively to give the right signals and knowing how to do grooming and knowing how to dress best according to your body. Hope it helps and best of luck to you.

Good on you for doing this. It's a difficult journey, but worth it. I'm a guy, but I've seen enough discussions on topics like this to know that Sex for One is a book that is very often recommended for women who have trouble reaching orgasm or can only do it one way. I've personally never read it but it might be worth taking a look to see if it applies to your issue since it's so heavily recommended. Take care and good luck!

Some suggestions for when you have urges: think about how it would feel after you finish. I always felt depleted and gross.

Get a book to read before bed. I recommend

http://www.amazon.com/Triggers-Creating-Behavior-Lasts--Becoming-Person-ebook/dp/B00N6PEN0Y/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1452601148&sr=1-1&keywords=triggers

And

http://www.amazon.com/Habits-Highly-Effective-People-Powerful/dp/1451639619/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1452601256&sr=8-1&keywords=seven+habits+of+highly+effective+people

But could be anything. That will keep you occupied, help you wind down the brain to fall asleep, and it's a healthy habit.

You could also pursue a hobby like art or a musical instrument, try some guided meditations, a cold shower, or some light exercise. I would look for something that doesn't involve a screen for your evening activity since that will help you get to sleep and it will remove you from a major source of porn.

Good luck and stay strong.

First, let's take a deep breath in and smile :)

Have you considered getting therapy for porn addiction? I am about to start mine and feel excited about it.


> The lack of time.. to do anything. The lack of energy & waning motivation makes me an unreliable idiot to everyone around me. The need to develop the necessary skills for my career is simply postponed... deemed unnecessary by my addiction. The addiction has a brain of its own, has its own ulterior goals that heavily contradict where I want to be. That's the pathetic situation it gets me in.
>

You have really nice hobbies. I urge you to continue to do them.
Even I recently started reading (actually just listening to audio-books while traveling on the bus), and that has helped changed my outlook towards life. It has made me smarter, more enthusiastic, more introspective.

If you can find just 10 min/day, I highly recommend you to read the book Getting stuff done. Once you do that, I promise that you will have lot more time in life, and would be able to read more books like the power of habit, GTD etc..

And I must mention this podcast episode on motivation that changed my life.

Sorry for bombarding you with all these resources. If you find just one useful thing among all of this, then all this would have served its purpose.

It all starts with just a small step, so good luck!

Sexuality is actually pretty complex and the idea that people neatly fit into social categories like "heterosexual" and "homosexual" is quite strange if you think about and research the matter. I think you are making a lot of assumptions about what it feels or looks like to be bisexual (or have dual sexual attraction) and this is causing you a lot of confusion and obsession. The obsessive doubt and fear absolutely plays a major role in the gay or bisexual experience of being in the closet or not having fully come to terms with your self and desires.

I think what you should do is see a therapist or psychologist with a sex background. They will be able to provide you with information and evidence that will allow you to contextualize your thoughts and feelings. Part of it is probably related to the porn but part of it is likely not, and you will probably benefit from having things disentangled and laid out for you. I think what you're mainly suffering from right now is confusion due to lack of knowledge. I suggest you spend some time researching the biology and psychology of sexual attraction.

Here is a site I've found helpful:

An article you might find interesting or relatable: https://www.thecut.com/2017/02/how-straight-men-explain-their-same-sex-encounters.html

A really interesting book about internet porn and sexual desire: https://www.amazon.com/Billion-Wicked-Thoughts-Internet-Relationships/dp/0452297877

Google talk of aforementioned book: https://youtu.be/p-A8GvUehq4