(Part 2) Best products from r/raisedbyborderlines

Just remind yourself that being angry is a totally valid and perfectly healthy way of handling something that upsets you - the line is drawn at acting on the anger.

For example: Don't get angry and daydream about killing your mom, then snap at your kids for being kids, or kick your dog, or tear your husband's head off for not putting the dishes away. But if you "embrace the angry" you're feeling, and enjoy "treating yourself" to some fantasy about her empty funeral and pigs disposing of her body - then laugh and play and enjoy your life like she never did, and hug your kids, and passionately embrace your husband/wife - that's perfectly healthy and acceptable, because you're not harming anyone by doing it.

You don't have to be perfectly in control of everything at every minute. You need to be aware of your surroundings, and not harm anyone if you choose to do something to handle your emotions in a certain way. For another example, I used to love oil pastels. I would beg mom constantly to buy them for me, she'd always lecture me about how ungrateful I was, and if I posted the issue then I'd end up beaten whenever I got home. That's a prime example of not handling your emotions properly, but more than that, it never taught me what to do when I'm upset about something because all I know is "don't be like her", so like you I'd try bottling it up and just not being angry. I exploded on someone one day because it was just too much and I still didn't have any "tools" to deal with anger, because as far as I was concerned it was a bad emotion and I needed to try harder to be a good person and just never feel it, ever. So last week, I explained to my therapist what's going on and what happened when I blew up last year and we were talking about how to handle it (I love this new therapist!), but he asked why I'd never bought myself a box of oil pastels. I didn't have an answer of course because it was essentially due to believing I didn't deserve them, which is totally bullshit, but I've been dealing with much bigger issues and the oil pastel thing was buried deep (I only had told the therapist by accident even).

So instead of snapping at people and trying to avoid being angry (which just isn't possible BTW, don't be hard on yourself for feeling angry) - but instead of dealing with any of that, I bought a box of Crayola oil pastels off Amazon, and a couple of first drawing pads (if you or anyone else reading this is an artist of any kind, do not look at those links in the context of "art supplies"). I got them yesterday (cause I've got no memory and forgot to order them for a week), and ripped them out of the box - which is also a phenomenal release (if you don't often o order from Amazon you'll see what I mean, it's like the Christmas you never had, sitting right at your front door!)... But the first thing I did was break the end off of the brown one because I scrawled out "Fuck You Mom!!!" in huge letters that took up the whole page.

It's not about being perfect, or acting your agree, or "keeping up appearances". Being angry is part of being human, and suppressing or avoiding that anger won't end well for anyone around you (trust me on that one, I still feel bad about my blow up and it was nearly 18mos ago! Thankfully everyone around me now is very good at forgiving and being kind and understanding, but I still feel guilty about having snapped in the first place).

Good luck, and please remember to be kind to yourself, be understanding and empathetic - to you as well as others. I'd like to offer huge, warm, sincere hugs if you'd like some.

Sorry again for babbling, I'm apparently incapable of not being verbose :)

I hope you get to do something unplanned and unexpected this weekend, that you want to do for once, and you surprise yourself with how much you enjoy it! (I "sucked up" my fatigue and pain from my MS a couple of weeks ago and went to the "dinosaur museum" with the kids and husband, it was so much fun - even though I spent thirty mins scrubbing their hands/arms/faces with Wet Ones cause I'm also paranoid everyone's walking Petri dishes...

Cheers :)

I'm just finishing Stop Walking on Eggshells. Not everything in the book is focused toward children of those with BPD, the authors include info for parents and SOs of those with BPD as well. They also provide the perspectives of those with BPD, via anecdotes sprinkled throughout the book, common situations you might find yourself in with someone with BPD. It's the only parts of the book I didn't love, but I felt like the book still explained that understanding why they do what they do doesn't absolve them of responsibility for their actions. Overall it's been an excellent source of information for me, as someone who had never heard of BPD until earlier this year (I especially appreciated the chapter on how to communicate with people with BPD). I'd recommend it if you want a starting overview of what BPD is, because it definitely covers that part well.

Totally fine! Here’s the link to the one I bought:

ZALALOVA Cat Window Perch, Cat... https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07MMTBVZ1?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share

It’s always on sale—I got it for about $15 USD and the twins love it. It’s also super durable considering Noxie (fluffy boy!) will eat everything in his path and hasn’t been able to even start to chew through the wires holding it up.
It make take your girlie a little getting used to, be prepared to have the thought “well that was a waste”, because, at least with my two, they definitely didn’t take to it right away, but they’re obsessed with it now.
Tip: it was just a little too big for my window with the bottom suction cups on, but it’s got enough leeway that you can actually just have the seat resting in the sill and it’ll still be nice and safe.
Hope she loves it!

> Thank you so much! And yeah, my fiancé says I don't know how to do anything in moderation 😂

Yeah, my husband is the same way. He has only one setting: Eleven! 😹

> I will definitely report back after all is said and done!

Please do!

> Ooooh, sounds like I should really look into one!

Definitely do! I have this one.

Wow, I'm glad you're OK. That's really scary. I'm sure its totally normal to feel hypervigilant after that kind of trauma, so be gentle with yourself. Talk to your therapist, maybe they have some suggestions of exercises to do? Positive self talk, telling yourself you're OK, you're safe, when you're feeling scared. Or maybe go the active route and take a self defense class? Whatever you do, it will take time to feel normal again. And that's totally normal.

There's a great book called The Gift of Fear. Check it out

https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198

Hang in there.

I can't think of any articles that stand out right now, but I'll comment here if I find any that are especially useful! I just got this workbook with guided exercises on understanding your own attachment style, identifying specific issues that relate to it, and "re-parenting" yourself to have a healthier one. I haven't used it much yet but really like it so far, and it's gotten really positive reviews!

https://www.amazon.com/Attachment-Theory-Workbook-Understanding-Relationships/dp/1641523557/ref=mp_s_a_1_1_sspa?keywords=attachment+theory+workbook&qid=1572050459

Oh! I also have a somewhat elderly cat. No kidney problems yet, thank goodness, but I noticed she wasn't drinking as much water and it got me paranoid. I got her one of these guys. They have smaller versions as well, and I bought a big value pack of the filters, and it's lasted me a good long while (I can't remember exactly when I got it, sorry). Both my cats love it, and it's saved me a lot of time not having to fool with their water every day. I wash it once a week, and refill it every couple days.

Edit: It's a cat drinking fountain. I need to be more descriptive about my links. >.<

thanks! i just started, but i've found it so helpful so far. it's very satisfying and inspiring. here's a link to the book: https://www.amazon.com/Life-Changing-Magic-Tidying-Decluttering-Organizing/dp/1607747308

Edited: forgot the book link. https://www.amazon.com/Rewire-Your-Anxious-Brain-Neuroscience-ebook/dp/B00QG5SW58/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1537210835&sr=8-1&keywords=rewiring+your+anxious+brain This book has some great exercises, it's helped me a lot and I highly recommend. Also just plain meditating. Research has shown it can shrink the amygdala by up to 30%! I use this app to help me meditate: https://www.headspace.com/headspace-meditation-app?__hstc=249974297.341d0a87cecde931187b544fed73e3bf.1536192003170.1536192003171.1536192003172.1&__hssc=249974297.2.1536192003173&__hsfp=2025384311

I have a shelf full, but here are some winners for BPD:

Toxic Parents

Mothers Who Can't Love
Emotionally Absent Mother

Will I Ever Be Good Enough

Drama of the Gifted Child

Children of the Self-Absorbed

Also, let me introduce you to Knock Knock pads:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1601064993/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o06_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

I use the orange "this week" one. I write the date on each day whenever I remember to do so that week. There's a limited number of lines for each day, so that has been good for pacing myself - it's super obvious when I'm overloading Monday or cramming things in at the end of the week, especially when I only get, like, one of the five things done. (Edit: and if my mind is pre-occupied by something happening later in the week, or next week, or next month, it's nice to visually see that "that's a tomorrow/next week/next month problem, even if it feels immediate").

If I get nothing done on a given day, I just put an "X" through the day, so at least I cross something off!

I've been saving each week so I can visually see my patterns, and I've found it handy to use the backs of pages for notes and lists too. (Edit: that way, those notes/lists are also dated to a certain week).

The feel of them is really really nice - I don't know how to describe it, or explain why that's important, but you'll see what I mean if you buy one.

I have this http://www.amazon.com/Skills-Training-Handouts-Worksheets-Second/dp/1572307811/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1464376228&sr=8-1&keywords=dbt+handbook

It's a workbook. It's supposed to be group therapy type of class, but I could not do that (I went to a few sessions), because DBT is the recommended treatment for BPD, so I'm guessing there were people with BPD there, and the group sharing just set me on edge and didn't feel safe for me to share and heal.

Was it this book? https://www.amazon.co.uk/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality-ebook/dp/B004DNXGFQ/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1496670307&sr=8-2&keywords=walking+on+eggshells