(Part 3) Best products from r/sex

I wrote up a one page guide for someone who wanted to wanted to try prostate massage with her husband. I've included it below. I should point out that the cleansing part is totally optional. If she doesn't care about getting a fleck of poop on her finger, or you get the suggested Nitrile exam gloves, then I wouldn't bother with it. Feel free to ask questions here or via PM if you'd like.

First, a few words about human anatomy and physiology...

If your guy has no anal play experience, he needs to learn to relax his anus so that you can get a finger or toy in there without pain. Secondly, once you are able to get past his anus, he will very likely feel conflicting sensations of pleasure and the need to defecate. So, a little work needs to be done before the fun can really begin.

The human anus is actually comprised of two circular muscles, or sphincters. The outer sphincter you have voluntary control of. However, you do not have voluntary control of your inner sphincter because it is controlled by the autonomic nervous system, which unconsciously controls other bodily functions like heart rate. This arrangement is a very clever fault-tolerant mechanism to reliably control defecation.

So, while he can control his outer sphincter, gaining control of the inner sphincter will take a bit of training. Initially, his body will associate sensations from the inner sphincter with the need to defecate, so he will need to train himself to also associate these sensations with pleasure through relaxation and arousal before you can attempt any kind of penetration. A good way to do this is with a small silicone butt plug, some really good water-based (i.e., not silicone based) lube and some time and patience.

With butt plug and lube on-hand, start by lubing up his anus and the butt plug, then use gentle but constant pressure to slowly insert the butt-plug past his anus and into his rectum. Again, he needs to be very relaxed and preferably aroused before you'll be able to get the butt plug in without experiencing pain. It's probably best to attempt this while he receives a hand job and/or blow job. Once you get it in, he may very well feel like he needs to defecate. As I mentioned above, this is totally normal, so it's always best to do this within a few hours after he last pooped. This way he'll know that these feelings are false and can just power through them. Once the butt plug is in, just leave it there and continue to keep him aroused. It may very well take multiple sessions before he is comfortable with the butt plug inserted and starts to feel pleasure. This is the time and patience part of the training.

A word of caution: this can, and should be done without any pain. If he feels any pain, stop whatever you're doing and reassess the situation. While there is a great deal of opportunity for pleasure with anal play, there is also a chance that it will be painful for him, or worse, cause some damage to some very delicate tissue. So, go slow and make sure you know what you're doing before proceeding.

Early Preparation:

• You'll need really good lube meant for anal play. Sliquid Silk (amazon link) and Sliquid Sassy (amazon link) are excellent examples of water-based lubes designed for this purpose. Coconut oil is great too, but it is a bit messy, so put down towels before you open the jar. Some people even put down painter's plastic sheeting beforehand. I’ve found Kelapo Extra Virgin Coconut Oil (amazon link), to be excellent. Protip: There is nothing better for hand-jobs than coconut oil.
  
  
• If you decide to try Coconut oil, it will usually come in a wide-mouth jar, which can be cumbersome to handle once the fun starts. So, consider moving the oil to a liquid-tight container like this one or an old lube dispenser that has been thoroughly cleaned. Transfer can be done by first immersing the sealed jar in a sink full of hot water to liquefy the oil first. A secondary benefit of transferring the oil to a new container is the chance of contaminating the oil is much lower.
  
  
• If you decide to use a different lube, try to avoid ones that contain any parabens (e.g., methylparaben, ethylparaben & propylparaben) as they seem to exhibit weak endocrine disruption properties. In addition, a small percentage of people are also allergic to parabens and get contact dermatitis when exposed to it. Ever get a rash from poison ivy? Same thing. Although pretty benign, Glycerin should also be avoided because it can act as a laxative.
  
  
• If you're squeamish about the possibility of getting a bit of poop on your finger, buy suitable nitrile (not latex) exam gloves like these.
  
  
• Another option for those that want to minimize the risk of poop messing up the festivities is to get yourself an eight ounce rectal syringe from the local pharmacy or Amazon (amazon link) to flush out any poop in the rectum. Instructions for use are below.
  
  
• Trim fingernail(s) short and make sure there are no sharp edges. This is super important.
  
  
• Optionally, get yourself some sugarless Metamucil and follow the directions on the container for several days beforehand. The psyllium fiber in the Metamucil will encapsulate digested food so very little feces is left in the rectum once you poop. This can really help if your diet is low in fiber.
  
  Pre-fun Preparation:
  
  
• If you purchased the rectal syringe mentioned above, about a half-hour before the fun commences, fill the syringe with lukewarm water (it shouldn't feel very warm to the touch). This can be accomplished by squeezing the bulb, dipping the tip into your source of water, releasing the bulb and let it fill up with water, then tip the syringe up and squeeze the bulb again until water just starts to squirt out. While water is squirting out, quickly dip the tip back into the water and release the bulb. Repeat this process until the syringe is full of water with no air inside. Lube up your anus and the tip, and while sitting on the toilet, gently insert the tip all the way in and then gently (you don't want to squirt water up too far) squeeze the bulb until it's nearly empty and then slowly pull it out. You can then expel the water and any poop fragments. Repeat until the expelled water runs clear. This sounds involved, but can be done in a few minutes once you get the hang of it. Optimally, this procedure should be done shortly after pooping.
  
  
• Have him pee beforehand. His bladder is just above his prostate (i.e., further in), and it might be uncomfortable for him if you hit his full bladder with your finger.
  
  Now for the fun part:
  
  
• You need to get him very aroused, which will engorge his prostate as it prepares for ejaculation. This will make it much easier to palpate through the rectal wall, and will also increase the amount of pleasure once you locate it.
  
  
• Have him lie on his back with his knees bent, or have him hug his legs for better access. Having him on his back will give you access to his penis for the optional hand-job and/or blow-job
  
  
• Lube up his anus and your finger and then slowly insert your finger into his anus, adding lube as needed. If you feel resistance to the point of any pain, then he’s not relaxed enough and you need to stop until he is relaxed.
  
  
• Once you’re in, he may feel like he needs to poop. This is normal and will (hopefully) pass.
  
  
• Once you're in as far as you can get, start gently feeling around the anterior wall of his rectum, toward his genitals, for a lump of tissue that is firmer than everything else. It will be one to two inches in.
  
  
• Once he gasps and starts moaning from the pleasure, you found it :-) If you can’t find it, he is likely not aroused enough, so give him a blow-job or hand-job to help you locate it.
  
  
• Now experiment with the position, motion and amount of pressure to maximize pleasure. Some guys won’t like direct stimulation, so move to either side of the prostate.
  
  
• At this point, he could have a diamond-cutter of an erection, or go totally limp. He might enjoy a hand job, or just want to concentrate on the back door feelings. It varies from guy to guy, so experiment for best results. For me, penile stimulation and prostate stimulation are both pleasurable, but different and conflicting sensations, so I like to enjoy prostate stimulation followed by penile stimulation. Again, your guy may be different and want them simultaneously.
  
  
• Assuming your guy is like me, once he's worked up enough, you can slowly withdraw your finger and wipe off any poop. If you're wearing a glove, just make a fist, grab the cuff and pull the glove off inside-out. Quickly wash-up as you don't want to invite any gut bacteria to the festivities.
  
  
• He is likely now primed for a world-class orgasm, so feel free to give him a hand-job, blow-job, or whatever feels right at the time.
  
  
• For me, the most intense full-body grand mal seizure-like orgasms are achieved after edging for a few minutes after my wife has had her way with my prostate. It has taken me a few years of experimentation to achieve this, so don't be disappointed if it doesn't happen to you immediately. My orgasms are very much like the intense non-ejaculatory orgasms mentioned in many threads on Reddit, including this one and this one.

You are welcome...thanks for taking the time to read it and respond!

To put a little context to my perspective, my wife and I have been married for 9 years and together for 15. We had a rough patch that started about 6 years ago (in hindsight; at the time we didn't really see it) and progressively got worse until things came to a head about 18 months ago. We both committed some sins during that time (no cheating), but mostly our problem was a total breakdown in communication beyond the mundane day-to-day. We started counseling just over a year ago and basically started learning communication skills from scratch. It was totally remedial at first, but totally necessary, and it's improved everything in our relationship. We went from near divorce a year ago to happier, more stable, and more secure than we've ever been today. If you're really curious, I wrote a novella about it in response to this post, but that's the gist of it.

> I've watched a lot of sitcoms in my day, so I feel like I have a good grip on 90s Couple Dispute tactics such as using neutral terms like "I feel" and not putting the pressure on her.

That was one of the big ones I had to work on. I used to say things like, "You did XXX, that was wrong (or unfair or whatever)." Basically, I put a value judgement on it, and by extension I was judging her. In response, my wife would put up her defenses.

> I don't know how to stop her from beating herself up, and whether she's right or not it broke my heart when she said that she thinks the problem is all on her side

I don't know, either. My wife does that to some extent. Some of it was due to the way I was communicating (we joke now that I used to communicate at her) and some of it is just how she's wired, I guess. Talking through our issues over the past year and realizing that there are no problems that are 100% on one of us has helped a lot. Still, I wish there were some magic words I could say that would take it away.

> ...she pretty much shuts down and doesn't want to talk about it anymore. It's her way of dealing...

Try to recognize that for what it is: her defense mechanism. She feels threatened and afraid and doesn't know what to do, so she shuts down. She's not dealing with it, though, she's doing the opposite. It sucks, and it's not exactly fair to you, but it is what it is. My wife is very similar, only instead of "I don't want to talk about it" she would shut down and then tell me what she thought I wanted to hear to make the discussion go away. I'd leave it thinking we'd reached some sort of consensus, while she wouldn't be able to say what it was an hour later. That obviously didn't work out well for us ;)

The way I approach it now is to avoid setting off my wife's defenses in the first place. In the movie "Snatch", there's the scene where the two guys try to rob the bookie. The cashier is totally calm, then she pushes a button and suddenly the bulletproof barrier drops and they're walled off. That's exactly how my wife is. If her defenses get triggered, that's it, we're done. We take a break and come back to it in a few minutes if we can. Otherwise, it waits until later and I try to voice my concern from a different angle. That doesn't happen too much anymore now that I've gotten a lot better at replacing "you did" with "I feel".

> "I wish we could communicate like x" or "i want you to be able to y" or things like that. It could be harmless but I am concerned about how much I pressure her with how I want her to act.

It could be harmless, or she could be hearing, "You're worthless" when you say something like that. Never underestimate the ability of someone to hear what they think they're supposed to rather than what you're actually saying.

My wife and I have always had a decent sex life, but we've never really been able to communicate openly. I used to say something like, "I wish we could talk openly about sex." I never put it on her, but I never got anywhere either. Maybe the word "wish" turned her off because she saw herself as the bigger roadblock and she instead heard, "I wish you were different." I don't know.

Last week, though, I asked her to have a conversation. I identified the issue (We are not able to talk about sex openly), and expressed my desire to work together on it. I suggested that since our new communication framework worked so well to work through our conflicts, then maybe it would work to communicate about other uncomfortable topics and asked her to try it with me. She enthusiastically agreed to try. I made it all about us and framed it as something we would work on together and the result was progress instead of the defensiveness that always happened in the past. Maybe a similar approach could work for some of the things you would like to change?

> Unless an argument is actively happening I don't really know how to bring this stuff up.

Schedule it. Ask her to join you in a conversation at a defined point, and bring it up then. If you bring it up in an argument, you risk emotions clouding your judgement. Looking back, I don't think my wife and I have ever had a meaningful conversation born out of an argument. If you bring it up without warning, you risk blind-siding her and making her extra defensive. If you schedule it, though, you give her a chance to get over her initial nervousness and you give yourself an opportunity to gather your thoughts. She'll probably be apprehensive at the start (especially if it's a topic you've discussed before), but you still have the advantage of being able to anticipate it and trying to put her at ease from the start.

> I think I'm the jealous type and I definitely have some narcissism in me (I spend a lot of time on raisedbynarcissists), but I shouldn't be jealous of her goddamned cell phone.

I don't think that's narcissism. I think you just crave quality time, so you behave in that way towards her and feel neglected when she does not behave that way towards you.

I can't recommend the book The Five Love Languages strongly enough. The first thing my wife and I did when we were trying to turn things around was read it. I don't know that it saved our marriage, but it certainly helped us to find enough good in it that it was worth the hard work needed to save it. Every last word in that book is common fucking sense, but for some reason we needed it pointed out to us. Everyone I know who's read it feels the same way. It's a book that I honestly think everyone needs to read.

The gist is that there are five "love languages" we all use to express and feel love: Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Acts of Service, Gift Giving, and Quality Time. We're all wired to "speak" one or two of them as our main language. It's how we show love, and how we perceive love that is directed towards us. Couples rarely match up perfectly, though. One partner may show love (e.g. by sitting close and paying attention while the other plays a game) that the other misses entirely if she doesn't speak that language. At the same time, she doesn't show love that way, so he feels slighted and unappreciated.

I know I felt unloved before I read that book. So did my wife. Afterwards, though, I realized that she was showing me love in her ways all the time, I was just missing it. And I realized that she was missing the ways I was showing her love. Just having that understanding was huge, and it was fairly easy then to adjust our behaviors a little and speak the love language that the other understood. Where before I felt nagged about taking out the trash, now I do it automatically because I know it'll put a smile on my wife's face.

Seriously, read the book. It's a fast, simple read that you can knock out in an evening, and I'm certain you'll take at least something useful from it.

Anyway, I've probably rambled enough for now...I'm happy to keep the conversation going if you'd like to, though I probably won't respond again tonight. In any case, good luck to you!

You came to the right place. I collect and review sex toys so I can offer some suggestions. First of all, be willing to spend some money. I can find you some great deals on quality toys but understand that a good toy is not going to be $10, I bought a cheap toy as my first and it was a piece of shit and was not worth the money. Also as a general rule do not buy anything made of jelly or rubber. Both those materials are porous and will absorb bacteria from your body. This bacteria soaks into the interior of the toy and even if you clean your toy diligently it will never come out and can give you an infection. Some safe materials to buy are silicone, glass/pyrex, stainless steel, and TPR Plastic. If the toy doesn't say its made of one of these materials don't buy it.

Now for the fun part. You're going to see a lot of people on reddit suggest a rabbit style vibrator. While the rabbit style is an incredible toy it is not my recommendation for a beginner. Rabbits are hard to buy since they have to fit your anatomy really well in order to work. If they work they're amazing, but if you misjudge and it hits you in the wrong places you just wasted a lot of money. Hold off on buying a rabbit until you have more experience with toys and are more familiar with what you like.

Clitoral vibrators or bullet vibrators are really great. My two favorites are the Lelo Mia and the Lelo Siri. Both of these are amazing discrete clitoral vibrators that are as beautiful as they are functional. I own the Siri and am a huge fan. It produces deep rumbly vibrations that give me incredibly powerful full body orgasms. The shape fits nicely in the size and its small size makes it easy to use while simultaneously engaging in piv sex as well as in conjunction with a dildo. My best friend owns the Mia and she loves it equally. Both these toys are rechargeable which I would recommend in any toy. Rechargeable toys have longer battery life and won't die on you at the most inopportune moment like I've had happen with battery powered vibrators. Battery powered vibrators also tend to lose power over time and they become weak.

If you are looking for something that can be used internally or externally the Lelo Liv and the Lelo Gigi. These toys are very similar and both work great for g-spot and clitoral stimulation. The main difference is that the Liv is designed for pinpoint stimulation while the Gigi is for broad stimulation. You'll have to decide where your personal preference is since its a little different for each woman. I own the Gigi and I LOVE this toy. I like it better for clitoral stimulation personally but it does feel good inside.

If you are a person who has difficulty achieving orgasm I would suggest you try the Couture Collection Inspire. It is very similar to the Hitachi Magic Wand only its smaller, less clunky, and significantly quieter than the Hitachi. Be warned though I would only suggest one of these twos for a beginner if you have difficulty achieving orgasm. They both have enough power to saw you in half. This is great for many women. For example one of my roommates is on SSRI's for bipolar disorder and she has only had 5 orgasms in her life. I bought her the Inspire and she came within 7 minutes of use. If you can come easily though I would hold off on a toy with this kind of power until you have more experience with toys. The Lelo toys have a good deal of power and definitely do the job (unless you happen to have difficulty reaching orgasm without a toy) so I would recommend those as better toys for you to start with.

Some other resources for you to do some research on your own: www.edenfantasys.com. I love this site and for most toys they have the best prices (except for Lelo toys which are significantly cheaper on Amazon). Eden has reviews for every toy and I would check and read their reviews even if you intend to buy on Amazon. I actually just started writing reviews for Eden. I currently have one out for the Gigi you can read. My username on Eden is the same as my reddit name. Some amazing companies whose products you can look through are Fun Factory, Lelo, Je Joue, Vanity by Jopen, and the couture collection by California Exotics. If you have any questions about toys shoot me a message I'd be happy to answer any questions.

Yeah, this became quite the wall of text, it's ok to not attempt it in all one sitting, you won't hurt my feelings.

Advice:

Learning your body: start by getting a hand mirror and prop yourself up on a couple of pillows, bend and spread your knees (have you ever had a gyno exam? There's a reason women are placed in that position and it's not for their comfort, it's to help the doc examine things). Here's an ok diagram of the external anatomy, and an actual picture from the Wikipedia article for "Vulva." You'll see the external or outer labia (labia majora) with a cleft between them and probably some degree of the inner labia sticking out between the cleft. However much inner labia you have sticking out is completely fine and healthy, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Spread the plumper outer labia and the inner labia (labia minora) will be there. Typically they'll be closed together, these are what you wipe between after you pee because the inner labia can hold on to the final bits of urine. And of course, you wipe front to back to avoid bringing bacteria from your anal area to your vagina or urethra. Now pulling an Inception, we're going to go another layer deeper: spread your inner labia. Try using one hand and an upside down "Spock sign" motion to spread the inner labia if you're down to one hand because you're holding the mirror in the other. Here's an example from GoneWild NSFW. I probably could've found a better picture, but I knew there'd be an example there. At the top where your two inner labia meet, is where your clitoris is. Depending on your arousal level at the time, it may be retracted under your clitoral hood. It swells and will stick out more when aroused. Some clits are smaller, some clits are larger, no matter how big or small it is, it's fine and healthy, just like your labia; and again, don't let anybody tell you something's wrong with you because your clit is bigger or smaller than some subjective measure that doesn't actually mean anything. Trace your eyes down and your urethra will be there somewhere, but you can easily miss it. If you come to a larger opening and then the texture of the skin becomes more "skin like", that's fine. The urethral opening can be really hard to find, but that's where you pee from. The larger hole is your vagina (also called the birth canal), with your labia spread, it should probably be open to a slight degree. This is where you insert things like fingers, tampons, penises, sex toys. This is also where the baby comes out of during a vaginal birth. Around the opening is where you may have a hymen to some degree (go to the youtube channel for Laci Greene and look for her hymen video for a much better explanation than I can give right now). Then down past that you get to your anus/asshole, and that's where you poop out of. You can also get sexual pleasure from there too, but let's save that for another day, shall we? So that's the quick and dirty of external female anatomy. Questions, comments, concerns?

Your urges and desires are natural, almost everyone has them to some degree. Try not to panic too much or feel too bad about them, but some days will be easier than others and some tasks/topics/etc will be harder to get through than others. But try to not beat yourself up too much about them, ok?

You've just discovered a way to make yourself feel ridiculously good, try not to get too fixated on it. You don't need to try all the things right now.

There's not really a "wrong" way to explore your body, for the most part. If you're wanting to orgasm and you're trying to by rubbing the back of your hand, I can almost guarantee that you're not going to get there that way. But if it feels good, go for it. Don't worry about what position is "normal" to masturbate in, try on your belly, back, side; left hand or right; grind on your pillow or straddle the nose of a teddy bear. Try different things, but don't get too goal fixated besides learning different things that feel good.

Sex positive: Briefly, the philosphy

Books: If you had to only restrict yourself to one thing, I'd be partial to I Love Female Orgasm, but Betty Dodson would be a close second, but I don't have her book.

I Love Female Orgasm I really like this one, it covers a lot of things, especially for first timers.

Betty Dodson

Guide to Getting It On Very extensive, covers all different things of sex, not really what you're looking for now, but just for future reference too.


InterWebs:

Scarleteen And their article "Is Masturbation ok? (Yep.)" might specifically help you out

Laci Greene Has a lot of good info and good topics. Her energy and editing style is kind of grating to me, but I get through

Sexplanations Dr. Lindsey Doe teaches and is a clinical sexologist.

/r/Sex Faq's Lot of good general information, some of the "First Time" information would be good for you too, probably.

Charlie Glickman Awesome guy

Carol Queen's recommended reading

Podcasts:

Sex is Fun podcasts Very expansive and a lot of "deviant" sexual behaviors talked about, might be more than you're looking for, but also something that might be a good reference for later. But there is a lot of talk about female pleasure and masturbation.

Sex Nerd Sandra And if you still consider yourself religious, here's Sandra's interview with Rev Bev who's got a different take on some of the religious issues. Like citing that the sin of Onan wasn't masturbation but disobeying God by pulling out (Coitus interruptus, not masturbation).

Sex with Emily a lot of information about a wide range of topics, look through it, a lot of talks about female pleasure and sex toys.

Actually I'd recommend against using porn as an educational tool. It's all a show and doesn't usually reflect real sex. Or use it as inspiration, but don't expect sex to be like porn.

Sorry you had such a traumatic experience on top! Ouch. If girl on top isn't feeling good, don't force it. Take break. Try something else. There's no right or wrong way. Follow the pleasure. If you're not feeling pleasure, incorporate what feels good during foreplay or masturbation into sex. Maybe that's kissing or nibbling or rubbing your clit.

Don't worry about being a dead fish. If you are enjoying the experience, your partner will enjoy you. So work on enjoyment and worry less about how you look or what you do. If your partner can't give you more detailed feedback, then try to pay attention to his vocalizations and body language more.

Do you guys do other stuff besides penetrative sex? Oral sex? Hand play? Can you bring each other to orgasm? If not, spend more time experimenting with what feels good before you even get to penetration. Remember that sex is everything, not just the penis going in the vagina. You will figure it all out! It might just take time and practice.

If you're up for buying a book, The Guide to Getting it On is pretty great, and I learned a lot from it when I became sexually active. The illustrations are great and it has a very playful, light tone that makes it fun to read. I've also heard that She Comes First is awesome.

My girlfriend and I take a combined approach to birth control that mixes fertility awareness, pulling out, and condoms. First thing is to get this thermometer, which tracks her daily temp (each morning at a similar time) and can be used for identifying when she ovulates. This is used in conjunction with the "Fertility Friend" app, and together you'll get a chart showing when she ovulates each month. Once you build up a few months of data, you'll get a sense of how reliable her period is (something she/you might already know). It basically lets you bin days into "fertile days" and "infertile days". You want to make sure no semen or pre-cum goes anywhere near her pussy on a fertile day or in the seven days before a fertile day. This is because the upper limit of sperm surviving inside the woman is 7 days (and this is the highest estimate). This will help your anal/vaginal play be done with less risk of pregnancy.

So how does this work in practice each month?

• On the day she starts her period, you have about two weeks 'til she ovulates, which means you have one week of no-risk sex ahead of you. Frustratingly, the period itself can take about a week, but if she's mostly done after 4 days, then you can have sex on days 5/6/7. The first "risky" day depends on when she typically ovulates; if it's consistently on or after day 14, you're safe 'til day 8. If she usually ovulates earlier in her cycle, then you move back that first risky day. Ovulation on day 12 = start using a condom/pulling-out/abstaining on day 5. If you're curious about less-messy sex during her period (literally zero chance of pregnancy if her cycle is not insanely weird), consider these sponges.
  
• The other safe window starts after you've confirmed ovulation. Her temperature will shoot up around day 12-18, and it will stay consistently high until she gets her period. The thermometer must show three sustained "high" temperatures in a row, and once this has been observed, you're cleared for risk-free sex for all the days 'til her period begins.
  
• Since condoms give a ~90% protection, and pulling out is ~90% effective, to bring your risk as low as possible, you have to do both on fertile days (and the week preceding them, because sperm can survive for days). My girlfriend and I are OK with being "just" 99% safe on those risky days, so we have sex with condoms & pulling out. On the non-risky days, we still use condoms or I pull out. Still 99% safe since fertility awareness is also ~90% effective. My semen never goes into my girlfriend's vagina.
  
• For you and your girlfriend, you'll want to be ultra safe since you're not open to abortion like we are. Only have sex on "safe" days and use a condom and pull out. The risk of pregnancy with this approach will be much lower than the risky behavior you're currently engaging in.
  
  Good luck, and I'll be happy to answer any questions.
  
  Edit: just saw your other comment about her cycle being unpredictable. I'd still recommend you try tracking for a few months - her ovulation temp spike could be consistently obvious (but on wildly differing days), making things less hard to track than you might expect. As long as she's not having super short cycles, you should be good to have sex right after her period. It sounds like a lot of her practices are more focused on avoiding birth control (b/c god hates pleasure?) than anything else, so maybe the whole situation is already decided for her. Stop the risky play if you guys don't want a baby yet, though...

You're right, there's a definite disparity. I think the problem is that you can cover giving a good blowjob pretty well in an article, and there are thousands of blog posts online already on the subject, not to mention the thousands of porn videos.

I haven't read it, but you could try Passionista: The Empowered Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man by the same author as She Comes First.

Hmmm.... Now that I look, there are actually quite a few titles on Amazon about giving blowjobs & handjobs, but reading some of the negative reviews isn't encouraging. The only one I can recommend from personal experience is a DVD called Blow Him Away!. I reviewed it here.

I think the biggest problem with giving recommendations is not knowing how experienced the reader is. If you're a virgin with little experience, a good guide has to be one that starts at a very basic level. If you're experienced and looking for expert-level tips, the same beginner's guide is going to be a waste of time.

Besides oral, I think the areas that most women need the most help with are cowgirl position, anal sex, and edging (making a guy last a long time at a really high level of arousal, so his orgasms are extra intense). Here are some things to help:

• Woman on Top - Sex in the "Cowgirl" Position
  
  
• The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women, 2nd Edition,
  by Tristan Taormino. It will help you enjoy it more and avoid painful beginner's mistakes.
  
  
• The FC-2 "female" condom - makes anal much easier, cleaner, simpler, and more enjoyable for both people.
  
  
• Giving a Lingam Massage - a seven-part series on edging a guy to perfection.
  
  The r/sex FAQ also has some good sections on oral sex and handjobs.
  
  And if you want to take things to a whole extra level, this is a complete guide for couples who want to learn tantric sex together: Extraordinary Passion: The Art and Science of Modern Tantric Sex.
  
  Hope this helps!

Unfortunately, that is incorrect. HSV-1 (usually associated with cold sores around the mouth) and HSV-2 (usually associated with genital herpes) are two viruses, but HSV-1 is actually a growing cause of genital herpes, and while rarer, HSV-2 can be found in the oral area.

Yes, it's best to avoid contact when you have an outbreak, as there's a higher chance of transmission. It's also possible to still spread herpes when you don't have a visible outbreak (asymptomatic shedding) although the risk is much lower than if you did have an outbreak. I'd recommend having her get a specific type test to see if she has HSV-1, just to be 100% sure, as there is a surprising amount of people who do have HSV-1, and aren't aware of it.

If you're concerned about transmitting the virus, you can consider daily antiviral medication, as well as using dental dams/saran wrap. The best thing you can do is educate yourselves, and make informed decisions about what risks you are comfortable taking together.

There's a great book written by Terri Warren on the topic. While her main focus is genital herpes, there's still a lot of good information applicable for HSV-1. She also has a free e-handbook on her clinic's website. Educate yourself and decide for yourself.
http://www.amazon.com/Good-News-About-Bad-Everything/dp/1572246189/
http://www.westoverheights.com/genital_herpes/handbook.html

There is nothing wrong with you. Many, many otherwise everyday people enjoy getting spanked, controlled, and more during sex. There are also many great people who love to spank, etc., though they are less common.

There is a whole world of "kinky" sex you may wish to explore and a good next step for you may be The New Bottoming Book by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton. It is a great resource for those who like what you like and can help frame and inform your lifestyle.


--
San Francisco Sex Information (SFSI) provides free, confidential, accurate, non-judgmental information about sex and reproductive health. You can reach us by e-mail (ask-us@sfsi.org) or by phone (415-989-SFSI).

Couple options I can think of:

Have you tried non-latex condoms? Some men prefer the feeling of them, as do some women. Condoms drying her up MIGHT be from a very mild allergic reaction. So giving that a try would be simple.

If her period is regular (every month) I recommend the fertility awareness method (FAM). It's not really popular on reddit (or in general, outside of religions that deny barrier and hormonal contraceptives), but I've successfully used it for over 3 years now. With that, she has to wake up at the same time every morning, take her temperature with a basal thermometer (I recommend a glass one, not a digital one. Digital ones aren't precise enough.), as well as check her cervical mucous, and (optional) cervix height and firmness. If you want to go this route, she (and you as well, IDEALLY) should read this book, and then practice charting for at least one cycle, before using this as a method of BC. During her fertile times you could use the pull out method, or simply abstain. If you opt for the pull out method, I recommend buying and keeping a Plan B, in case of accidents.

I had issues with the pill, and this method has worked great for me, for about 3 and a half years now. I'm considering getting an IUD soon, simply for convenience and being able to wake up whenever. But FAM is super effective, if done properly by monogamous, tested, and mature adults.

As for probability of pregnancy: Assuming a regular cycle with ovulation on day 14, the chance is practically nonexistent. However, do you KNOW she ovulates on day 14? Some women ovulate sooner, some later. If she ovulates on day 10 or sooner, the chance is small, but there. For any form of birth control besides implant, patch, IUD or sterilization, I really think everyone should keep a Plan B in the house. Then if there's any fear at all, just take it immediately after the incident.

It most likely isn't going to get better with your wife. I know the pain of being with someone who doesn't care about your sexual needs. She is happy with the way things are so why should anything change?

It sucks because sex is probably one of your love languages so you are missing that part of love you want to share and receive from your wife.

I know you /r/deadbedrooms is depressing, but I will tell you, but it just happens to so many people. Here are a couple more links for you... but I will tell you, they are going to still be depressing:


(this link is sorted by the most popular posts)
http://www.experienceproject.com/groups/Live-In-A-Sexless-Marriage/332?sort=popular

(this link is sorted by the most recent posts)
http://www.experienceproject.com/groups/Live-In-A-Sexless-Marriage/332?sort=recent

So yeah, I am giving more than a couple of links... Here is one story that was on that forum but the user deleted her profile and story but I managed to save it before it completely disappeared from the internet (made it into an image because I didn't know how else to link the PDF file):

http://i.imgur.com/npRNKaV.jpg

And then there is is forum thread:

http://forums.menshealth.com/topic/63643898167189984

You should seek marital counseling with her, but I don't know if she will agree to go if she doesn't truly acknowledge there is a problem.

There is also a book about identifying your partner's love languages that you could both read and hope it helps:

http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/0802473156/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396643010&sr=8-1&keywords=love+language

But reading so many other peoples' stories it is pretty obvious it is more rare that things get better...

You are not alone! In fact there's an entire website for making connections with kinky people in your area and beyond. I highly recommend checking out a site called Fetlife.
Fetlife is essentially the facebook for fetish and kink. There you can find resources, groups with common interests, events in your area (such as play parties, fetish dances, and munches), and even people looking to meet someone new.

On top of that i would recommend picking up a book called "The New bottoming Book" by Janet W. Hardy
It's a book that give a lot of the basics on being a sub as well as how to feel comfortable in your newly found interests.

Hope these help, and good luck.

There are different brands of dildos that "come". Here's a great list of squirting dildos and even a squirting cocksleeve! Be aware that most of these are PVC, with the exception of The Semenette (medical grade silicone!) and one or two others I believe.

Also, Bad Dragon has a "cumtube" option on all of their dildos, which are also medical grade silicone and come in different sizes. They're mostly fantasy animal oriented dildos (and they're amazing quality), but they have a regular dildo called "The Ultimate Fantasy".

Tagging /u/cmkn, /u/kinkyghost, /u/blueblast88, /u/Radica1Faith and /u/Pattyooooooo here too.

If any of you are looking for a more realistic cum lube option besides the crappy Bad Dragon stuff (terrible lube, don't buy it, I recommended it once long ago but nooooo), follow these directions I gave to people who were looking for some realistic dildos and/or realistic lube options for play:

>Now, onto the edible fake cum! You can use this with the cumtube as well! This one is great for body shots, facials, or just for straight up swallowing. ;)

>1 cup water

>2 tablespoons cornstarch

>1 pasteurized egg white (Pasteurized is important if you want to swallow this stuff!)

>1 tablespoon plain yogurt (make sure it's plain if an AFAB person is putting these anywhere near their genitals, if they're not putting it near their genitals though, you can use vanilla yogurt for a more pronounced, bold vanilla flavour)

>A pinch of salt

>Dissolve cornstarch in ¼ cup of water and set aside. Bring the remaining water and a pinch of salt to a simmer in a small saucepan, then stir the cornstarch to redissolve it and stir it in. Simmer and stir the mixture for about two minutes, it will be very thick. Cool the mixture thoroughly. If you don't let it cool the egg will get cooked. If you are impatient, set the pan in a bowl of ice and stir to speed the cooling. When cool, stir in the egg white and yogurt. Mix thoroughly with a wire whisk until smooth. Add 1/4 a teaspoon of vanilla extract, maybe a drop more, for a bit of vanilla sweetness when you add the egg white in there! Make whatever volume you want. It should stay good for a few days in the fridge too, so you can get multiple uses out of a batch. If you need to warm it up for use, heat up some water (NOT boiling, just hot) on the stove and put the cold bowl into the hot water and let it warm up the mixture. Stir once in awhile. You don't want to cook the egg whites, just warm up the mixture. Another interesting thing you could do is add some Stevia flavour drops, you can find them under "water enhancers" on Amazon and other online stores, and they have everything from Root beer flavour to lemon, cherry, etc. You could essentially have whatever flavour fake cum you wanted, although I'm a real fan of the vanilla, something about it is just tried and true for me. :D This is the absolute best fake cum recipe out there, it's what a lot of professionals use!

If you're alright with not eating the stuff, you could just buy J-Lube and add some titanium dioxide, the thing that makes Bad Dragon's cumlube white in the first place.

Finally, if anybody is alright with a gif of a big ol' horse dildo (sorry, couldn't find any other models showing it), here is one of Bad Dragon's cumlube equipped model dildos in action!

BDSM for Nice Guys

Also, The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book

Other than that, TALK. TO. HER. You aren't going to get any answers from a bunch of strangers! She shouldn't expect you to know what to do without having to explain anything herself, and you shouldn't expect to know what to do without asking anything yourself, either.

Maybe you guys can start small, find a compromise that turns both of you on in the heat of the moment, but have this conversation OUTSIDE of the bedroom, in a neutral setting. Use "I" statements, try not to be judgmental or blameful, express that you'd like to understand her desires more fully and to see if you guys can make this work out.

Other than that, congrats on finding out more about the person you love, even if it may be a little belated. I hope you can see this as a cause for growth and discovery on your shared journey, and good luck.

Lots of the advice here is good. You might also want to check out The Good News about the Bad News for good tips on how to talk to a partner, stats on transmission rates, and percents of population who are already infected. If you like the book you can even give it to him to read if he seems uncomfortable or just wants to know more.

FWIW, I have an oral infection HSV I (commonly called cold sores) and the best way I've found to talk to partners is something along the lines of:

I really like spending time with you and I can see us having a future together. I also think it's clear we are headed for sexytimes, and before we go down that road I'd like to talk to you about being safe, birth control, and STDs. You should know I have herpes, and it's important to me that you are in the loop because if we're on the same page we can take precautions to reduce the likelihood that you get infected and because it's what I wish my partner would have done for me.

Don't stress too much; it sounds like you really do have everything under control, and if you seem calm, that will help keep him calm about it.

THIS! My fiance and I have been having a rough time matching my high libido to his very low one, so I started seducing him all the time. I went from making kind of subtle references that I was interested in sexing to just putting my hand on his junk and seeing if he was into it. That went wonderfully for the past few months, but then I was worried he wasn't wanting sex and he was just feeling obligated to do it, so I asked if he could try seducing me like he would a girl he'd just met. He did that the other night and I can't tell you how awesome the sex was.

Also, I know it sounds really shitty (I usually hate self-help books), but if your relationship is tripping up, try reading The 5 Love Languages. A friend recommended it and even though it's a bit religious-y at points, it's still an overall good book with great points.

BDSM is the last sort of sexual activity that people should just throw themselves into in order to "see what happens" without going in-depth with their partner(s) about their needs, desires, fantasies, and expectations and providing opportunities for understanding and negotiation.

As any kinkster will tell you, awesome, mind-blowing, fulfilling sex lying within the BDSM spectrum (and that kind of sex in general) is built on three things: communication, communication, and communication.

The good people over at /r/BDSMcommunity would be able to answer a lot of questions that might arise once you've discussed things openly and honestly with your girlfriend. Here are some great print resources you should look into:

SM 101: A Realistic Introduction, by Jay Wiseman

The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge, edited by Tristan Taormino

Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission, by William Brame, Gloria Brame, and Jon Jacobs

The New Bottoming Book and The New Topping Book, by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy

I highly recommend these: http://www.amazon.com/LELO-Luna-Beads-Bestselling-Exercising/dp/B0029ZALB2

But also, make sure you love yourself and that he is being considerate and loving towards you. It sounds to me like it's a mental thing....maybe you'd both be happier with other people...Whatever the case, I hope things get better for you, and I'm so sorry for how your boyfriend has made you feel. :(

I would definitely recommend a vibrator. If you buy it on someplace like Amazon it’ll be in discreet packaging. My wife was strongly against them until I got her one and now it’s her favorite thing to use when we have sex.

Her favorite is the Shibari Mini Halo. It’s probably a little larger than what you’re thinking of but it comes with its own discreet bag and it’s easy to stash in a drawer or something.

My wife was super sensitive after she came and now she has multiple orgasms with it back-to-back. She mostly uses it on her clit while I’m penetrating her vagina.


Of course you can also get ones that are dildos too but some people (like my wife) really don’t care for those.

Sure, I'd be happy to share the entire list. Be ye warned - it's LONG.

• Multivitamin [general health]
  
• Vitamin D3 - 1 x 5000 iu (+700 iu from multivitamin) [general health, testosterone level]
  
• Fish Oil - 3 x 750 mg Omega 3 [heart health, sperm morphology]
  
• Folic Acid - 2 x 400 mg (+400 mg from multivitamin) [sperm formation/morphology]
  
• Zinc - 1 x 50 mg (+15 mg from multivitamin) [sperm count/motility, testosterone level]
  
• Vitamin E - 1 x 400 iu (+22.5 iu from multivitamin) [sperm motility/morphology]
  
• P-L-Carnitine - 1 x 750 mg [erection quality]
  
• A-L-Carnitine - 1 x 750 mg [energy level, mental function]
  
• L-Citrulline - 2 x 1600 mg [erection quality]
  
• Black Maca Root - 6 x 750 mg [libido, erection quality, hormone balance, semen volume]
  
• Horny Goat Weed - 2 x 500 mg [libido, erection quality]
  
• Soy Lecithin - 6 x 1200 mg [semen volume, memory function]
  
• Vitamin C - 2 x 1000 mg (+60 mg from multivitamin) [sperm count/morphology, anti-clumping]
  
• Pygeum - 2 x 100 mg [semen volume]
  
  Look, that list is crazy. I won't argue. But objectively, I am enjoying some of the best sexual performance of my life at age 41. My erections are firmer, they are easier to get, and I have tons of stamina. I have had more back to back orgasms - i.e. stay hard enough to stay inside my wife, then go again right away - in the past three months than I probably have in the rest of my life combined. So while some of this may be snake oil, I feel like something is helping for sure.
  
  If I had to venture a guess, I would rank the following as the most important for sex: Citrulline (like Arginine, but way easier for your body to absorb), Black Maca Root, Zinc, Lechithin, P-L-Carnitine.
  
  

Came here to say this! I'd also recommend getting a copy of The Guide To Getting It On to go with your note: "I don't care if this book disappears and I won't tell our folks. Have fun, be safe, and don't snoop anymore!"

As this reply says, it doesn't matter if he used them so long as they're made of materials you can safely clean (silicone, metal, some hard plastics) - if its quicks you out, replace them, otherwise don't dwell on it.

Good luck!

I'd like to recommend Taking Charge of Your Fertility. If you can take a pill everyday you can take your temp everyday and know exactly when you are and aren't fertile. This is not the Rhythm Method. This is science. Every woman should read this book and learn about her body even if she decides to use a different form of birth control. It is incredibly informative!

I have been successfully charting for 2 years. We use condoms when I am fertile or just have sexy times that doesn't involve semen in the vagina. ;)

And now I am gonna stop because I really don't want to sound preachy. I just always get so excited about sharing this knowledge with other women. If you have any questions I will do my best to answer.

How has nobody mentioned J-Lube yet?

It's a standard for wet-and-gooey play. It is a lubricant, so it is super slick and not sticky or viscous as honey, and it has mucous-like properties (thick, but slippery) but it's a great place to start experimenting for cheap. You might be able to work up a recipe that would simulate the parts of honey you like, mixing it with Corn Syrup or thickening it with starch or glycerine.

But the best part is that you can dump a bottle in a bathtub full of water, and have a whole tub of lube! :D

Hijacking because this is the top comment. My wife went from grudgingly occasionally allowing anal, to demanding it, begging for it, wanting to be butt fucked nearly ever time we have sex. The biggest change was the lube we used, after years of using cheap grocery store (like KY) and cheap Adam and Eve junk we finally found a great lube that works. Sliquid Sassy this stuff is amazing, water based so it's safe for condoms and toys, glycerine free so it won't get sticky, and it washes away pretty easily.

Other than the HUGE improvement that the lube made, I would suggest good digestive care, use a Fiber supplement Psyllium Husk is easy and cheap if you don't mind fairly big pills.

Finally, butt hygene, we use a bidet in our home, it's weird at first but once you get used to it you will never want to go back to TP again. Wife also uses an enema bag to clean up before a full blown butt fuck session. I can't speak to that except to say that we have never experienced any "accidents" after she's used the enema.

Good luck, the wife is totally into butt stuff all the time and now has literal SCREAMING orgasms from it. Wishing the same to you!

I haven't personally tried bad dragon lube, but I've heard nothing but bad reviews on it, mostly that's its "sticky" and not "lubey" lol.

If you have a farm store of some type nearby, I recommend poly lube...its a veterinary grade lubricant that comes as a powder that you mix with water. For $20 you can have 5 gallons worth of lube! (Or, y'know a years worth of lube bc don't mix it all at once). it's water-based so safe to use with silicone toys. It's all I use now.

Edit: [this stuff] ( http://animalsafety.neogen.com/en/ideal-animal-health-polylube).
[Available on Amazon here] (https://www.amazon.ca/Jorvet-J0109-J-Lube-Obstetrics-10-Ounce/dp/B006G2S17A/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1488172074&sr=8-1-fkmr0&keywords=polylube+obstetrics+lube). But honestly it was much cheaper instore so might be worth shopping around before buying online. I got it from UFA (Alberta Canada, lol), but any farm or veterinary store should carry it. It's also called j-lube.

Read Passionista for some solid tips. You might even check out She Comes First (same author) to help familiarize yourself with your own parts. It's perfectly fine to be where you are now. Be happy that you have someone who is patient and caring. Now you two just need to move out and get some of your own space.

Can't speak for the OP, however I don't take the med permanently as I want my immune system to learn to deal with it effectively.

I hope your wife was able to console her friend, I would still recommend this book: http://www.amazon.com/Good-News-About-Bad-Everything/dp/1572246189 , it really does help you realise what a trivial situation it is.

That's great advice from /u/alittlebirdy1.

A couple things I'd like to add from mine and my wife's experience are

1. There's a point where if I don't pull out (when she cums), my hand will get stuck and it becomes painful for her. It takes practice and obviously everyone is different so it might not even be an issue for you. Just something to be aware of.
   
   
2. J-lube has changed our lives. This is the slipperiest lube I've ever felt. It's pretty much the standard lube in the fisting community. It's also entirely changed anal (as in made it way easier to get going and more enjoyable all around).

I would recommend The Guide to Getting it On. It is extremely sex positive, and also can answer almost any question you might have... and then some that you didn't even know to ask. It was required reading for a college course I took on human sexuality and I credit that course with my positive views on sex. A few sorority sisters were in the class with me, and we all said that it was one of the greatest books we were forced to buy in college.

>Astroglide is good stuff, but the Astroglide gel has become our favorite. It's thicker, it stays in place longer.

If you like astroglide gel try this one, it's also a thick gel but I've found it's better in every way

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B001MYEARW/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_Q.NSAbWJH4MAV

As a guy who loves sex but uses condoms, lube is important to me. If we start without a condom (some danger of pregnancy I know) we don't need lube until I put the condom on. I doesn't matter how aroused she is, if there's a condom the KY silk does a better job than the natural lube.

Lube kicks ass!
And for a laugh....
http://www.amazon.com/J-Lube-Powder-Mix-Water-Lubricant/dp/B006G2S17A
As a side note... (makes 6-8 gallons on lube) and further diluted makes good bubble mix.

If it is death grip, masturbating less and more slowly/'subtly' would help. As in, no more "I'm stress/bored so I'll just masturbate furiously for 3 minutes to cum as quickly as possible although I'm not really horny".

If you yourself would like to help during intercourse, do kegel exercises or get something like the LELO luna beads (http://www.amazon.com/LELO-Luna-Beads-Bestselling-Exercising/dp/B0029ZALB2). I don't usually cum easily during intercourse .. my gf got these and 'practiced' with them.. now when she does her moves while I'm inside her it's like she's jerking me off with her muscles. Feels freaking awesome. Can't recommend them highly enough.

Aside from that there's obviously also the mental things /u/humptydance69 talked about. You could also think of ideas to continue sex even after he's cum. I know there's the refractory period and you might feel 'done' as a guy once you've cum, but there's other things you can do in the meantime until you're ready to go again. Cuddling, kissing, fondling, oral etc. If he cums first that doesn't mean you can't cum at all.

Check out Taking Charge of your Furtility, it's all about charting your way to effective family planning. It's applicable whether you want to get pregnant or avoid pregnancy.

Lots of people think that the "fertility awareness method" (FAM) is the same thing as the "rhythm method", which is untrue. The rhythm method assumes a 28 day cycle, which is why it's wildly ineffective. FAM is all about getting to know her cycle so you can better predict her most fertile days.

I believe the only difference between "natural family planning" and FAM is what you do during her most fertile days. In NFP, you would remain abstinent, in FAM you would just use a condom. The info is the same for the rest though. Toni Weschler's book is a great resource.

This one is rather nice. It's got five different patterns and multiple intensity levels. It's also got a 10-year warranty, which is pretty nice. It's cheaper to buy it from Amazon than it is to get it from one of those "specialty" shops. I ended up paying about $100 for mine since I didn't think to look at the price online first.
*edited to give the right link

Shibari cordless. We had a regular corded wand, and the GF loved it, but it eventually broke. Got her he cordless, more compact, version from Shibari and she loves it.

Amazon link if you’re interested (https://www.amazon.com/Original-Massager-Wireless-Multi-speed-Vibrations/dp/B010GLZ2NC/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=Shibari+cordless&qid=1566685838&s=gateway&sr=8-1)

Wowww! Good for you! That's a tough decision to make...

I won't lie, I was in a similar situation. I knew the Hitachi wand was magical but I had to use it wisely. Then I came across a mini one (the shibari ). At first it was once every few days/week; I would cum instantly! But then I was getting more sexual with my Dom and he would use it on me too. So at one point, it was a couple of days, consecutively. On one of the last days, I remember him using it on me and it took me a bit longer than usual to orgasm (my clit was as sensitive to the Shibari as it was to the Hitachi). I eventually came but not as satisfied. That was when I realized that I'm gonna have to use it less frequently and probably use my fingers instead when I feel like masterbating.

It's a slippery slope with toys. And I agree that it should come with a warning label!!

Are you using specifically anal lube? It’s thicker and doesn’t dry out quite as quickly. I love anal lube and use it all the time, even for non-anal stuff. My favorite is Sliquid Sassy:

https://www.amazon.com/Sliquid-Naturals-Sassy-Lubricating-Ounce/dp/B001MYEARW

1. Don’t use something that smells like coconut. Go buy some Sassy Sliquid, (https://www.amazon.com/Sliquid-Naturals-Sassy-Lubricating-Ounce/dp/B001MYEARW) it’s much safer and better for who ever’s getting penetrated.
   
   
2. the smell will be a similar level as the smell after sex, so just open a window and change the sheets after

I think she has some bad information. If nuvaring is inserted on Day 1 of her cycle (first day of period) it is effective immediately. If not, it only takes 7 days for it to become effective. And she can put it in whenever she remembers. She doesn't need to wait for her period, or for 2 months to pass...
Maybe she just doesn't like using it? Sit down and have an honest conversation about it with no judgement or negative energy whatsoever. Ask her what she wants. If she doesn't mind HBC, but just doesn't like NuvaRing, you guys should look into the Implanon (Nexplanon?) She can't forget it bc it's implanted into her arm, and it lasts for 3 years.

If she doesn't want the hormones, buy her this book. It's natural birth control. It takes diligence and tons of communication, but it works: http://www.amazon.com/Taking-Charge-Your-Fertility-Anniversary/dp/0060881909/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1415306228&sr=1-2&keywords=taking+charge+of+your+fertility
Hubby was skeptical. But after reading it, we are both happy we did it. Also I should mention that I'm a alternative-living kind of person, so try to keep an open mind.

Chart your cycles. I successfully did this for the two years I was with my last boyfriend, and we never had any issues. I found this book highly useful.

Im a woman, I've bought this one 4x. It's my travel / throwaway vibe. It has diff vibrating strengths and vibrating patterns. I think it would be a good starter if you've never tried a vibrator. Its $30 and doesnt require disposable batteries.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B010GLZ2NC/ref_%3DShibari/ref=amb_link_8?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=product-alert&pf_rd_r=3FA9A9W7Y67KC1M0ZDCF&pf_rd_r=3FA9A9W7Y67KC1M0ZDCF&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_p=1c17b4ef-9fa4-417a-a145-8d0c9421b3a8&pf_rd_p=1c17b4ef-9fa4-417a-a145-8d0c9421b3a8&pf_rd_i=B00005M1WE

If he didn't ejaculate, you should be fine. That said, a pregnancy test should be accurate by 20 days after the sex (and could work as few as 8 or 9, but you couldn't trust a negative at that point). But, again, I would bet you're not pregnant. When was your last period?

I'd also highly recommend reading Taking Charge of Your Fertility http://www.amazon.com/Taking-Charge-Your-Fertility-Anniversary/dp/0060881909 to get a better understanding of what's going on with your cycles. Irregular period can be a sign of a problems that would need to be treated if you do what to get pregnant at some point, too.

My understanding is that it came from the book The Five Love Languages.

Thanks, here are the ones I'm looking at. Which one do you have?

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B010GLZ2NC/ref=ox_sc_sfl_title_6?ie=UTF8&smid=A32MQTT36XE4ZP&th=1

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00WX1D5Y2/ref=ox_sc_sfl_title_7?ie=UTF8&smid=A18L8QYUFPGJ3V&th=1

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0722K1LT9/ref=ox_sc_sfl_title_8?ie=UTF8&smid=A8ZCWVQPP8V9J&th=1

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01M21CJ5Q/ref=ox_sc_sfl_title_9?ie=UTF8&psc=1&smid=A2FP4E6EVB27PC

These two books are very good:

The Topping Book:
http://smile.amazon.com/New-Topping-Book-Dossie-Easton-ebook/dp/B006T2ULTI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1415026502&sr=8-1&keywords=the+topping+book


The Bottoming Book:
http://smile.amazon.com/The-Bottoming-Book-Janet-Hardy/dp/1890159352/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1415026503&sr=8-2&keywords=the+topping+book

This is a really helpful book!
https://www.amazon.com/Passionista-Empowered-Womans-Pleasuring-Kerner/dp/0060834390/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=Fellatio&qid=1551233717&s=gateway&sr=8-2

Your savior has arrived...

You need J Lube.

It's a powder that you mix with water to make lube... Very very cheap way to make lots of body-safe lube at whatever consistency you like.

You can get it from amazon:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B006G2S17A?pc_redir=1411932379&robot_redir=1

...or from agricultural stores...

These two books should be on the top of you and your SO's reading lists.


The New Topping Book(Kindle)


The New Bottoming Book

My wife swears by this: LELO Liv Personal Massager.

Fuck, I use it, too. It is awesome.

This may be helpful for your lack of lube prolbem.

J-Lube. It’s a powdered form of the lubricant they use to assist in the birthing of horses and cows. Gallons of lube for less than $20.

The website says. “10oz plastic bottle with shaker top makes 6-8 gallons of lubricant” -- and its only 13 bucks.

People swear by it for large insertions also. But since that's not your goal may not be useful in that manor.

Here's a link

https://www.amazon.com/Jorvet-J0109-J-Lube-Obstetrics-10-Ounce/dp/B006G2S17A

The Guide to Getting It On has a section on "Sex when you're horny and disabled." You can view some of the pages in the amazon preview

The New Topping Book

The New Bottoming Book

Luna beads.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B0029ZALB2?qid=1375633968&sr=1-1

This?

Just a tip;

I've heard people sing praises of J-Lube for fisting. I own a bottle myself, and it's great for anal 'stuff,' but I've never yet taken it as far as fisting. But if I was going to; it would be with this stuff. It's the slipperiest lube I've ever felt.

Use a 'lube launcher' to shoot some pre-mixed lube inside her; then sprinkle some of the powder in your hands, and run some water on them while rubbing them together. It'll be so slippery, your whole arm might disappear up there, if you're not careful.

If you want to better understand this, Taking Charge of Your Fertility is great. Short form, no you can't get pregnant during your period, but you can misunderstand when your period is or be irregular. I recommend the book to any woman, particularly nerdy women, who wants to understand your body.

Another lesson: if you find yourself horny and making bad choices about unprotected sex, female fertility can be triggering that. Be careful, evolution is tricky.

You say you realise this is the path to resentment and anger, but even so the option is very attractive to a lot of people, to 'prove a point' (as can be seen in the comments is done by more people). The fact that you are considering to use such a tactic says nothing about your sex life, and everything about your communicative skills as a couple.


Let me give an example that might show how incredibly ridiculous the plan is:

You come home one night to find your SO angry. She is furious because you forgot to shine her shoes for half a year. You're dumbfounded. Why would you be responsible for the shine on her shoes? You never even considered she wanted you to shine her shoes! At first you're angry, she expected you to be telepathic and understand her needs without hearing them from her. Eventually, you have a civil discussion and realise she really wants you to shine her shoes.

As you love your SO, you want to accomodate her needs. You want her to be happy. So you do your best to shine her shoes as often as you can. Unfortunately, shoeshine is expensive, you work long hours, you're a tad forgetful (because who isn't when they're busy doing other things?) and your shoeshining technique isn't quite up to par. But you do your best.

Alas, your SO doesn't agree. She wants her shoes to be shined daily. She realises that you can't do it on a daily basis, but at least you could do it every other day! So, you try again, but as shoeshining is just not really your thing (it is a lot of work after all), it is hard to get yourself to do it. You get into fights about it more often, because your SO is hurt that you're not shining her shoes as often as she needs. Meanwhile, this adds to the pressure: No matter how much you shine her shoes, it will never be as much as she may like. You can never live up to her expectations.

And it all started, because she expects something from you without communicating what shoeshining is like for you. She assumed your needs were equal to her needs. Even after talking it through, her needs dominated the discussion.


I realise this is a ridiculous example, but this is the exact process I see in /r/deadbedrooms, time and time again. In fact, I have been guilty of this myself as my drive is higher than my SO's. The burden regarding any kind of dissatisfaction in a relationship can not be placed on either her alone (by demanding that she fulfills your needs), or on you alone (by not having your needs fulfilled). Only through communication, compromise, and a lot of blood, sweat and tears (well, hopefully not tears.. or blood..) from both of you.


These predicaments happen in all long-term relationships. Sometimes they are concerned with sex, sometimes they are concerned with something else entirely. This is the part where everyone in a long-term relationship claims that it is hard work. Because it is exactly this issue that is hard work.


I would like to point out that some people are helped incredibly by couple counselling. There are also a number of books I would recommend if councelling is not an option. For any of these books it is important that both partners read them and go through the exercises. Like I said, you have to do this together. The first book that gives a number of couples a lot of understanding of eachother is called The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chaplin. The book is concerned with trying to get to know eachothers needs and how to talk about them. Another book that is relevant in any relationship with low sexual activity is A Tired Woman's Guide to Passionate Sex by Laurie Mintz. Don't let the title of the book fool you, while directed at women it is actually a tool for regaining a sex drive in a relationship. It is as applicable to men as women, but overall it's a couple's tool.


I sincerely hope you, and others, do not choose the path of resentment. It is very rare to be compatible in every way with a SO. In this relationship it may be sex, but in another it may be something else entirely (not having the same amount of need to go out of the house, for example). Needs never completely match, so it takes work from both sides to make eachother happy.