(Part 2) Best products from r/sex

Hey friend
Thanks for sharing and your vulnerability.

Would you believe that I can actually relate to you? I can in more ways than you can imagine. I was celibate throughout my 20's because I was religious. No fapping...no porn...no sex. I love sex! But I was told bad things would happen if I had sex by religious leaders and believed them. Later I got married to a woman I wasn't attracted to for religious reasons too. It is a common theme for much of my life. 5 years ago I was going nuts. I had never had good sex and I wanted it so bad. This wasn't possible with my wife.

I stared seeing prostitutes. At first it was the best thing in the world. I could have sex with beautiful woman and I just had to give them money. But I soon realized I longed for connection more than sex. When I realized that I couldn't get that connection with a prostitute I started having ED too. Embarrassing is an understatement. I feel you there. But it was because I was wanting to connect on a heart level and I needed a relationship where I felt safe to do that. I wasn't living in my truth and was living to try to fit into what I thought everyone else wanted me to be instead of saying, "this is me! I love who I am! I may be weird and some of you may choose to ditch me because they don't get me. But those who choose to know me will find that I have a heart of gold and will be my friend for life."

Cheating on my wife with prostitutes is not a "heart of gold" act. I wanted I make that clear. But I told my wife everything and we got a divorce.

After I was free to explore I did. People had questioned my sexuality for years. I never felt gay but I thought I might as well give it a try. I tried it a few times and couldn't get into it. I now know from experience that I am straight. But if I wasn't that would have been cool too.
I think it's awesome that you are "man" enough to explore your sexuality. You should be proud of that.

I love that you spend time in meditation. 40 minutes a day is great.


I have a some specific advice for you that I think might help a lot.

There is a book called the magdalen manuscripts. It is about sacred sexuality and sex magic. It is like merging sex and meditation. I think that you are having such a hard time with sex because your guides don't want you to waste your time with shallow sex. They want you to experience the best sex possible. I can tell by your writing that you have the heart to have this kind of sex. Not everyone can do it. It takes the ability to meditate and a gentle spirit which I see in you.

Here is what I recommend and I want you to know that I am doing the same thing now.

Get the book and read it. Or even better read it with a girl you want to explore sacred sexuality with. I met the most beautiful woman the other night. We talked and really connected. She gets back from a trip on Saturday. I am going to ask her to read the book with me. We will read it to each other and then practice it together.

I would even be open to staying in contact with you and comparing notes. I am new to this too but I know that it's real and it had not yet hit the mainstream yet. Oh but trust me it will. I have ideas :)

Either way. I wish you well. You are not alone and to me you are a beautiful example of a human being trying your best to figure this life thing out. You are on your way.


Here is a link to the book
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/193103205X/ref=redir_mdp_mobile

And here's another
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1591792576/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1372806050&sr=8-1&pi=SL75

About 70% of the women who can have orgasms on their own can't have them during regular sex unless they also get a lot of clitoral stimulation.

I punched my v-card at 15, and from then to 23 I had a lot of sex, but I never once had an orgasm with a man until after I met my husband. He and I are now really well-matched in the libido department, but one reason we stay that way is that we took the time together to figure out my body and how to make sex amazing for me.

Some of the things that really helped...

• We did Sensate Focus Therapy every week for five months, and did a number of other things that are recommended for helping women become more orgasmic. (See below for details.)
  
  
• We incorporated sensual massage into foreplay and fingers and vibrators into foreplay and normal sex.
  
  
• We became a lot less PIV-centric and started spending much more time on massage, oral, and other kinds of foreplay and sex.
  
  
• He learned to "edge" me, getting me near the brink and then delaying my orgasm as long as possible. This takes all the pressure off and completely changes the dynamic from "am I taking too long?" to "OMG, that feels incredible!" And the orgasms are much longer and more intense when you finally get there.
  
  Let me start you off with four books and two book-sized websites:
  
  
• Heterosexuality, by Masters, Johnson, & Kolodny: SFT instructions on pages 24-40.
  
  
• Becoming Orgasmic: A Sexual and Personal Growth Program for Women by Heiman & LoPiccolo: another version of SFT, this time geared to helping a woman become more responsive to arousal and making it easier for her to have an orgasm.
  
  
• Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski: One of the best books on female arousal and sexuality.
  
  
• She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman by Ian Kerner: The best guide for men to skillful foreplay and how our bodies respond.
  
  
• A Beginner's Guide to Good, Great, and Amazing Sex: A collection of links to some great articles.
  
  
• Extraordinary Passion: The Art and Science of Modern Tantric Sex: This is a book in blog form, a complete step-by-step guide to extended sex without all the "spiritual" stuff you find in most tantra books and websites.
  
  Also, my answer to a post at the start of the year has links to other articles that are related to orgasm problems: How to let go and O already?.
  
  One last tip: if you've been slacking off on exercise, hit the gym! There's a clear correlation for women between exercise and the ability to orgasm. This seems to be especially true for strength training activities like Pilates and CrossFit.
  
  Best of luck!

I just read your post and felt empathy for your situatiom. I've been in a similar one myself (I have a small penis and trouble with premature ejaculation). For a long time I thought that I couldnt pleasure women because of it, but I've since changed my mind and I am actually enjoying a trusting and fulfilling relationship right now.

The secret to this is quite simple: girls in general doesn't like to get fucked as much as porn or other men (who are educated through porn) would have is believe. What girls care about is one thing: connection. Trust me.

I'm going to take a wild guess here, but I believe that what you want is to give a woman pleasure. I'll say it again: pleasure. The ultimate way to affirm that you've given someone pleause is that she orgasms right? Now ask yourself: what is it that makes most women experience this pleasure?

Answer: oral sex in a safe and trusting environment that makes the woman feel appreciated and beautiful. This is what makes most women feel appreciated and once I realized it's actually true (by asking people what they enjoyed and reading up on it - see for example the Kinsey Report http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinsey_Reports and Masters and Johnson http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Masters_and_Johnson) I decided to try the following:

• Put intimacy and pleasure first.
  
• Learn how to pleasure women orally by employing the techniques in "She Comes First": http://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260
  
• Understanding what women actually like themselves by reading: "The New Male Sexuality": http://www.amazon.com/The-Male-Sexuality-Revised-Edition/dp/0553380427
  
  I've tried this on several women since, and trust me - size queens and petite and shy women enjoy themselves tremendously and make sounds of ecstacy in bed with me. And it's my tounge and fingers that makes them come back and choose me over well hung alphas.
  
  TL;DR - The cock is inferior to the tounge in giving pleasure. If you do it right. Women are not cock-hungry beasts, men are the ones who perpetuate that myth.

My wife has been pegging me for close to a year and a half now.

I always jerk off during it; if the point is for me to get off, this is probably required. I might be able to learn to come from prostate stim alone, but the combined are great for me... and I love the feeling of being really filled. So there's that.

We tried me on my back (aka missionary). I like it that way; boobs in your face while getting fucked is a wonderful thing, and she even managed to go down on me once while fucking me like that. But she has bad knees, so we've found that for us, the ideal is for me to stand and lean over the bed, her to take me from behind. I can still jerk off freely, but I can also control depth and whatnot a lot by tilting my hips.

For prep... eat high fiber ahead of time. Poop ahead of time. Sorry if this is to gross for you, but real talk - right before we start, I go to the bathroom. If the poop is solid (i.e. toilet paper is clean on the first or second wipe), odds are I'm good. It's it's wet/more loose... maybe put it off till another time. As a final check, I lube my middle finger (spit works great) and slide it in. If everything is empty, I am very confident that I'm clean enough. If not, I can either try to go again or say nope, do it another day.

For the sex itself, use a good thicker lube. We personally swear by Astroglide gel - it's plenty slicj, but it stays around a long time, and it's super affordable and easy to find (Target, grocery store, etc). I lube up externally, then slide a finger in my ass a couple of times while she's putting on the harness. Then she walks up to me and I lube up the toy. And off we go!

As for toys... look, there are some really expensive "starter" sets out there that to me are not worth your time, as they come with toys the size of your finger. We'd already done anal play with regular dildos, so I knew I wanted something my size or so.

My wife was pregnant when we started doing this, she was worried her belly would get too big and make it impossible, so she thought a longer toy would be good... could always not thrust as deep, but would be nice if we needed it, right? Turns out that the belly was never a problem... also turns out that I like deeper penetration than I would have EVER thought possible. We have a pretty big (8" long x 1.5 " diameter) jelly style dildo with a flared base. It was super affordable at Amazon... $15 or so. Hah, she likes to tell me sometimes that I'm more of a woman than she can ever be, as she can't take all of that. :)

As for the harness, the one we have is again affordable ($40 or less at Amazon) but has TONS of great reviews. It's easy to put on/take off, the crotch is open so that there is access to her, it has padding for the toy, and it comes with three different ring sizes so that you can use pretty much any flared based toy with it.

As for what to expect... that depends on the two of you. We'd done a fair amount of anal play, so I was really expecting it to be the same. I have been really surprised at how intimate, erotic, sensual pegging is for us. The way she runs her hands over my back, grips my hips, spreads my ass while she's fucking me... holy shit. It tends to leave her very wet, as well, so I reinforce that by going down on her or breaking out the magic wand after.

Don't use lubes specifically marketed for anal. These can potentially contain numbing agents (advertized to make anal play easier) which are a huge health risk. If you numb your partner out then its going to be really dangerous since she won't be able to feel pain. Pain is the body's way of signalling injury and so by shutting off the pain response you are making it REALLY easy to cause injury.

I would look into one of two kinds of lube. Either a gel water-based lube, or some kind of silicone based lube. Gel water-based lubes are great since they are compatible with toys but they are thicker then normal so they provide more cushion for anal play and last a bit longer than average. Sliquid Organics Gel is my favorite since its all natural and doesn't contain any glycerine or parabin, its thicker and it doesn't have an unpleasant taste or smell. I use it for vaginal play, handjobs and masturbation too.

Another option is any silicone based lube. You don't really need one marketed for anal, in fact stay away from these. Regular Pjur is a good one, or Pjur Gel. Silicone based lubes are much more expensive but they are ideal for anal play since they last significantly longer and one require that you reapply as much. I've never used the gel formula of the Pjur but regular Pjur as been fine for anal for me. I just would imagine the gel formula would be nice.

Make sure you guys do a lot of warm up. Lube is important but unless you guys practice with fingers and toys first your girlfriend is going to probably experience pain. If you work your way up to anal sex by playing with toys first the experience is going to be much more fun and enjoyable for you both. Make sure you pair anal stimulation with genital play. Its good to help the brain connect clitoral stimulation with anal play so that she will associate anal stimulation with already hard wired pleasure sensations.

Good luck!

Hello, I am a girl who is working through vaginismus and also had to get my hymen opened surgically. I am in a LTR and am now able to enjoy penetration now. This is a little long, but I thought I would share from info with you.

1. First of all, get a diagnosis. She may need to go to a gynecologist specifically. I went to three doctors who said everything looked fine and that I just needed to "relax". But I was unable to wear tampons, have a pap test, have sex/fingering etc. The gynecologist was the only one who recognised the opening in my hymen was too small and that I needed surgery. (There are also many other reasons for sexual pain like vulvodynia, endo, UTIS/infections, nerves, etc. so having a well educated doctor will be very important in finding the right treatment for her.)
   
2. It may take a team of experts to help her. A gynecologist, pelvic floor physiotherapist and a sex therapist are likely what she will need.
   
3. The physiotherapist will likely recommended breathing/relaxation exercises, external stretches, and using graduated dilators to help with stretching (see link) https://www.amazon.ca/California-Exotic-Novelties-SE-9711-14-3/dp/B00121B0H8 She may need to use the dilators for several months, maybe even a year before she is ready to have sex depending how consistently she is using them. If she is unable to insert a dilator that is close to the size of your penis, she probably won't be ready to have sex with you yet.
   
4. As a partner you will need to be extremely patient. It is curable but it takes time and hard work. It is difficult for your girlfriend both emotionally and physically try to be understanding and supportive.
   
5. You can still have a good sex life without PIV but you will need to built trust that she is in control of what is happening to her body. How can she enjoy when she is expecting pain? Try focusing clitoral stimulation if that's enjoyable for her. If she hasn't had an orgasm before I'd highly recommended using that bullet on her clit instead. If she wants to try your finger, have her insert it and control the movement until she is comfortable.
   
6. Check out r/vaginismus or vaginismus.com for more info. Also I would suggest you and your GF watch this youtube video to get some accurate info about the Hymen. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9qFojO8WkpA There are rare cases where the opening in the hymen is too small, or the hymen can be too thick/non elastic that is can require surgery. Here are some pics of different types of hymens. It might be good for your girlfriend to part her lips and have a good look with a hand mirror. http://www.mhhe.com/socscience/sex/common/ibank/ibank/0010.jpg
   
   If you have any questions about vaginismus or hymen problems I'd be happy to answer for you. I know there isn't a whole lot of info out there about hymens and I remember being in your GFs shoes and being so afraid. Things will get better if she is willing to get help.
   
   Good Luck!

look for a pelvic floor physical therapist in your area. i cannot stress this enough. while self treatment sounds fine and dandy, having a trained professional teach me about my condition and walk me through everything helped me so much. it changed my life forever. make sure to pay attention to the reviews as well, because i’ve had my fair share of shitty PT’s.

the vagina kinda has 3 layers of muscle, kind of like tiers. while fingers can stimulate the vagina and massage the muscles, it is hard to emulate how a penis will feel inside the vagina, especially with the added pain and hypersensitivity that comes with having vaginismus. one thing you can do with your fingers is massage the sides of those muscles by stroking them slowly in one direction (gently, and repeatedly. so like, if you go up along the muscle slowly, instead of massaging back and forth you just go up again). this video is very helpful in explaining it. i commend you both to watch the entire video together!!!! https://youtu.be/KPt9PUvw5x0 this could also be a very intimate and emotional bonding moment for the two of you to learn how to do these massages on her :)

in researching you may find that kegels are a very highly recommended exercise for treating vaginismus. while this is true, it can also be detrimental to her treatment. vaginismus means that the vaginal muscles are TOO TIGHT. and kegels are for strengthening the vaginal muscles. really strong vag muscles = really tight vag muscles. in my experience, my vaginal muscles were clenched/spasming 80% of the time, so while my vag muscles were strong from constantly straining, they werent trained to unclench and relax. just keep in mind that if she does a kegel for 5 seconds at a time, make sure she really relaxes her muscles for at least 10 seconds after. so: 5 secs kegel, 10+ secs relaxing, repeat repeat repeat!

also, i know she can’t keep toys at her house, so i am assuming almost all sexual activity happens at your place. can you keep a toy at yours? maybe in a lockbox or something too just for added privacy? with vaginismus, it is fairly impossible to “work your way up” from fingers to a penis. it just is not the same in the slightest.

the Berman dilator is a great set for working towards PIV! it has many sizes, is fairly cheap, and it vibrates! vibration helps immensely with decreasing nerve sensitivity. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00121B0H8/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_Ke60CbQ7V9Z3S

i am hoping and praying for you guys! vaginismus really SUCKS, but it is curable :) it seems like you really love your girlfriend, keep up the emotional support! that is the most important thing in this situation. good luck guys!!

Firstly, I actually like how straight-forward you are. IMO, this is the type of talk that gets facts across... but, as evidenced here, some people automatically equate this to being a 'bitch'. Sigh.

Secondly, how lucky he is to have you? I cannot say because he is not here commenting, but, you sound very lucky to have him. You are able to actually tell him things some females would hesitate to tell their significant other (many put up with bad sex for fear of hurting feelings)... It is quite nice. Would be very helpful if you guys do end up going to a seek help from a professional. :)

My main point: Did you ever enjoy sex with your husband, maybe when the both of you started dating, during some "honeymoon phase"? I ask because, if yes, it may be because your husband is too often always there for you. Yes, this is a very good trait to have as a father and a husband, but, not as a lover! Domestic needs often times do not match with sexual ones, so, if not recognized, can lead to situations such as yours (love having him around as a husband because he is like a dependable rock, but it is stifling as there is no sexual excitement because of lack of uncertainty).

If you can relate in any way to my last paragraph, I would recommend Esther Perel's "Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence" (Amazon link). There is also a TED talk given by her that touches quickly on topics discussed in her book, here (link). Trust me, her findings are quite eye-opening.

Others are telling you that they feel bad for your husband, and that they are feeling quite negative in general in regards to your relationship with him. However, I think maybe are just questions that haven't been asked - ones that even you (who research everything) may have not thought to look up on. So, have a look at the links I gave you. Maybe you will have a, "Eureka!" moment.

Good luck. :)

I can absolutely recommend sliquid organics for someone very sensitive to imbalances and prone to reaction. [this is specifically what worked] (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B002SV91ZY/ref=wms_ohs_product?ie=UTF8&psc=1)


As for encouragement, just make sure you're both communicating and enjoying yourselves and know that anal can be pleasurable and beautifully intense. It's something wonderfully intimate to share and can amplify both of your feelings. I've found success providing pleasure in a way she's comfortable with while experimenting with new sensations. keep it gentle and relentlessly positive. Cheers!

Check out /r/polyamory and read about people who are practicing ethical nonmonogamy. It can be a lot of fun if you do this as a way of enhancing trust and love, rather than telling yourselves that your natural biochemistry is a sign that you love each other somehow less.

Oh, and communicate, communicate, communicate! with your man. No "don't ask, don't tell"s unless you are both certain that it is the best choice for you.

And if you want to read a great book that will help you to quell some of that old-school social narrative scare tactic about sex and monogamous, committed love being inextricably tied, then read Sex At Dawn.

Being in love doesn't stop most people from needing sexual novelty. Needing sexual novelty doesn't stop people from being in love unless they try to crush that need under a mountain of guilt and denial.

You're welcome. It makes me feel good to think I may have been a help. How long do you spend in masturbatory sessions? Have you ever been able to touch yourself for 30 minutes or longer without having an orgasm? Well that is your new goal. You need to learn how to "edge". What edging is, is basically recognizing what it feels like when you are about to cum and riding the "edge" of that. There is this thing called "ejaculatory inevitability". Basically it is the point of no return. Once you hit it, you are going to shoot no matter what. The secret to edging is knowing what that feels like to you and knowing how to back off stimulation until you come only when you wish to. You can't consider yourself a pro edger until you almost cum about a half dozen times in a masturbatory session and you successfully stop yourself before cumming each of those times. Two major components to this helped the most for me. The first was learning kegels. This I can't help you with because I haven't bothered to learn the new proper way to do them. It has been said that the way I do them causes problems for some men (even though I have never had a difficulty) so I just try not to share it much anymore. Anyway, there are loads of ways to find this info if you just Google "male kegel methods". The kegels help you find and strengthen the muscles that shut off your ejaculation so you can mechanically do that internally if you wish. The second method of staving off orgasm is the "start-stop squeeze" method. With this method, basically you stimulate until you feel ejaculatory inevitability start coming on. Then you stop all stimulation and do a special squeeze wherein you place the pads of the tips of your index and middle fingers on the underside of your penis head and your thumb over the ridge where your penis head and shaft meet. Then squeeze. Very firmly, and not enough to hurt - but good and tight, until that feeling that you are going to come goes away. I have been able to edge for over two hours without cumming. Some people do it for days. I tried it once, but it isn't fun to me, because that congested blue balls feeling for hours on end negates any good feelings I get. Also, take note. The start - stop method is a great method for use with a partner once you master it on your own. You just teach her the squeeze and allow her to do it during intercourse with your instruction on when to apply it. I know you said that you don't like reading dry articles but the book that I think helped me to be a sex god is "The New Male Sexuality". Starting at page 275 is a wonderful chapter on controlling your ejaculation. You will notice that I have stuck to mainly the physical. I don't do well with controlling thoughts. For the most part, I just let them happen and "move on". Calm down doesn't seem to be much help to anybody. I've got a feeling that once you have a few good sessions of intercourse a lot of the PE will go away and your new "problem" will be how to make the most of the 3-5 minutes most guys last while thrusting. If your girlfriend can cum from intercourse alone she is lucky. Most women need direct clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm.

What you're describing is a pretty common problem - so know that you're not alone here! Our society places a huge amount of pressure on sexual performance, particular with men and their abilities to be hot and ready any time, any place. This unrealistic expectation just sets men and their partners up for disappointment, as nobody could possibly be ready all the time.

That being said, there are a number of things you could do to help decrease your anxiety. If you want help fast, seeing a sex therapist would be fabulous, or even a psychologist who works with anxiety could be helpful. It sounds like you have some pretty powerful anxiety-driven thoughts that are more based on your fears than in facts. A good therapist can help you tease that out, and come to a place where your thoughts reflect a more realistic picture of what's going on in your life.

If you're looking for the self-help route, The New Male Sexuality (http://www.amazon.ca/The-New-Male-Sexuality-Pleasure/dp/0553380427) gives a really great overview about how male sexuality has been changing over the years, and how to optimize your experience (along with general sexual health info, techniques, exercises, etc). For general help with anxiety, Mind Over Mood is an excellent resource for educating yourself on the nature of your thoughts, and how they impact how you feel and act. (http://www.amazon.ca/Mind-Over-Mood-Change-Changing/dp/0898621283). It's not specific to sexuality, but the same principles apply.

In general, sexual arousal is greatly affected by what's going on in your brain. If you're worried about the number of times you've had sex this month, or whether you're going to perform this time, you have less cognitive energy for simply enjoying your sexy times! Desire discrepancy between partners can be tough to negotiate, so it's really important to maintain good communication with your partner. Everyone has different wants, needs, and tendencies, and one test of a good relationship is whether you can negotiate those differences well together and come to a place where you both feel heard and understood.

Your post really touched me because I've been through some of the same feelings from the opposite (dominating) side. "Am I sick for wanting to tie my girl down to inflict pleasure on her?" The short version is, there isn't a cheat sheet for why we like what we like; we just do, and that's okay as long as everyone keeps things safe, sane, and consensual. There isn't any particular trauma or gratification at an early age that bends us toward what we like in the bedroom. You're doing fine.

I'd like to point you to a few things that might help you enjoy what you like safely:

1. /r/bdsmcommunity
   
2. /r/twoxchromosomes
   
3. SM101
   
4. Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns
   
5. Dan Savage
   
   Hope this helps and good luck.
   
   edit: formatting

I don’t have specific recommendations of things to do but I do want to encourage you to learn more about desire. Specifically in long term relationships and as it pertains specifically to women so I’m going to make some reading recommendations.

The first I’ve already read, the latter I have not started yet but it deals specifically with this topic and I’ve heard great things and have heard the author talk about the research and at the very least its fascinating to consider.

In any event good on you for being out in front of the issue and recognizing that these things take work. So many people think (erroneously) that desire and chemistry just ARE or AREN’T. But it absolutely takes work to maintain over time. And research is beginning to show that women get “bored” more quickly than men. This has been wrongly labeled as a lowering of libido for women in LTRs but as it turns out most women say they still WANT sex. Just not so much with the same person or in the same ways over such a long period of time. So if we and our partners are aware of this inclination we have much more power over controlling the outcomes.

Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence - Esther Perel

Untrue: Why Nearly Everything We Believe About Women, Lust, and Infidelity Is Wrong and How the New Science Can Set Us Free - Wednesday Martin

Straight dude here who has a decent amount of experience with chicks experiencing that toy. I've been with four partners who tried it; two loved it (both of them could only come with a toy, ever) and two found it way too strong (one of them could only come with a toy, ever).

If you two have never masturbated together before, do that first. And then for her first experience with the new toy, she should use it and figure out what works & doesn't. You can be there to learn, observe, take care of the rest of her body, and maybe even fuck her while she uses it (as the other comment said, prone bone and hitachi go great together). And then once she figures out how she likes it, she can hand it off to you for future play. This advice goes double since you said it's her first toy.

One tip I can offer is that if your partner does find it too stimulating, you can buy a lamp dimmer to give it a bit more dynamic range (since the magic wand only has "high" and "nuclear" settings). I bought this one and it really works. You can also simply put some fabric between the toy and her body, from a t-shirt to a folded-up towel. It's THAT strong.

Good luck!

As a guy who's been married for 20+ years, I can tell you that it may look like he's unhappy with you but it's more likely that he is far more unhappy with himself. This is why he distracts himself with gadgets and with fantasies of porn and phantom women who will find him magically attractive without his having to expend any effort. He has disappeared into his own navel, as it were.

I believe even the most valiant crusader for non-monogamy would tell you that opening a broken relationship will not fix it.

When we went through a rough patch a few years ago, it was mostly because I had great difficulty coming to terms with mundane stuff like work, chores, money, life. Couples therapy helped us a lot. A big aspect of our relationship that had failed was my wife had lost complete faith in my ability to hold a job. When you say you need

> attention, safety and security

that echoes what my wife needed from me and what I failed to provide. Going to couples therapy really slapped me awake, but only because we had a really great therapist who clicked with both of us. Therapists are like any professional; some are good, some are bad, and others make perfect sense and almost make the work you have to do easy. After a lot of effort, I won my wife's trust and our sex life is the best it's ever been. BUT getting our sex life back in order was something that followed getting the rest of our relationship fixed.

One book that helped me a ton was this one, which challenged me to sack up and be the man my wife needed me to be.

Well I'm glad I was able to help out.

If you want to and have the time/money/insurance to cover visits to a therapist it would be a great idea to do so but is by no means required.

I would suggest picking up this book or this book to read since they address a lot of the "issues" you are running into. Just remember they are not problems, just obstacles that you can overcome with the right information and practice.

What will make the biggest difference will be self exploration so that you get comfortable with your own body first. It will take time, it will take effort, and you will feel defeated at times, but you will make it to a more pleasurable state.

>if I feel anything, it's clitoral, and as soon as I recognize that and try to hone in on it, I lose it.

This is fairly normal, from what I know, when people aren't mentally ready for sex. You haven't had the chance to learn what you need because of the environment you grew up in and you have to remember it isn't your fault nor is it a problem. We all grow up in different areas of life at different rates. Make sure you are effectively communicating your struggle and plan to your boyfriend and make sure he makes the compromises he needs to so that you can make progress at your own pace.

If you want any other advice or suggestions feel free to ask. Reddit is a great place to come ask these kinds of thing but, keep in mind, if it revolves around a medical health issue, the doctor is the only one who can answer it accurately.

My friend runs her own boutique salon and offers body waxing services to both her female and male clientele.

Certain customers have very sensitive skin on the delicate parts of their body.

For those customers, my friend routinely uses the Seiko S-Yard ES412 Cleancut Personal Shaver.

This Japanese import shaver does the best job in getting as close as possible, but its blades and screen are engineered so well that the shaver can easily be used on the most sensitive parts of either female or male body without any danger of nicks or cuts on the skin.

She uses this shaver in tandem with Sween Body Powder, an ultra-fine grained cornstarch-based body powder, which allows the shaver to literally glide over the skin.

For men who come for the first time with a great deal of body hair, she'll first use a standard set of professional-grade electric hair clippers, like the Oster 76 Classic with its matching 00000 blade which cuts existing hair down to a 0.02 mm size, at which point the Seiko S-Yard can easily trim the remaining hair down to 0.0025 mm or less.

As others have mentioned here, you can get a decent shave with other personal area shavers like the Norelco Bodygroom Pro or the Schick Quattro Trimstyle, but if you want a consistently close yet safe shave of the genital region, the Seiko S-Yard is your best option short of using a razor.

It was many years ago... But I think I (quasi-legally) downloaded an ebook on the subject, let me google around a bit... Yup, I'm about 90% sure it was this book, but I'm pretty sure that as with everything on the internet, the info is bound to be on random and free sites as well. The book dabbles a bit on weird eastern concepts; you can go ahead and safely ignore that. The gist of it is learning all the phases that you go through before ejaculation (that normally happen in maybe less than a second), and realising that orgasm can be achieved before getting there. As I said, very conceptually similar to edging, but this also incorporates kegels to allow you to somehow "hold it"... As I said, I don't remember the theory too well, but the technique itself I learned and continue to use it without thinking much about it. OK, it's not a "technique"; more like having learned all that stuff and putting it to use (to get there you WILL be using some techniques, though, mainly while masturbating).

As for hard, it isn't really that hard, you just have to have a little self-restraint. Because you SPECIFICALLY need to STOP stimulating ever closer to orgasm/ejaculation, and TBH taking the decision to do that instead of saying "fuck that shit, I'm cumming, I can do that some other day" is the hardest part, but it becomes easier, lol. As for how long it takes... I honestly don't exactly remember, but a few weeks... you start to see progress from the very beginning though, so that's always helpful.

Although the liberator feels nice, it actually doesn't do a good job of soaking up the liquid. I just got a new squirt-friendly blanket from Amazon that I love, and it's worked very well so far.

( THROWS OF PASSION Waterproof... https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075WZGFJG?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share )

I also have waterproof mattress protectors and have even soaked through those on good days, so being able to absorb volume is what matters to me.

I also take puppy pads with me to other partners' homes or to sex parties so that I don't leave big puddles everywhere, haha. Look for super absorbent ones.

Good luck!

What your girlfriend probably told you is that she has fantasies of being humiliated and dominated.

That's really different from what you heard and told us, that she wants you to dominate and humiliate her.

She is definitely a kinky person. But she's so young and she's been with you since she was an adult that I don't think she has any experience in kink.

Kink shouldn't be done without being very cautious, kink can be personal, difficult and if done wrong, can harm a person both psychologically and physically. Also, consent is a very touchy subject when doing kink and you should thread very carefully.

You should both talk a lot about this, especially if she's not experienced.

I strongly suggest that both of you educate yourself on the subject of kink and domination. There are so many wonderful books on the subject that it can be difficult to start but I suggest:

Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt - When someone you love is kinky - Greenery Press 2000

A wonderful and thoughtful book that can help many a couple to approach and tackle the difficulties of coming out of the kinky closet.

Jay Wiseman - SM 101, second edition - Greenery Press 1996
A classic in its own right, SM 101 has introduced many generations to the practices and the good manners of doing SM even before the term BDSM came into play. And also, how to ask for consent and all the required safeties needed in kink.

Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt - The Ethical Slut, A guide to infinite sexual possibilities - Greenery Press 1997
Another ageless classic, mostly about non-monogamic, non-traditional relationships but still a book that can help you understand how discussions and confrontations can be done easily and safely when talking about sex and relationships and similar difficult subjects.

These are the bare minimum. She (and maybe you too) should also sign up on FetLife (https://fetlife.com/) and find others with the same interest, people on Fetlife are always happy to help newcomers (unless you're very rude).
Also, on Fetlife you can see if you can find a munch in your area so that you both can go and talk to other more experience people in an nonthreatening environment.

You could also see if you can go to one of the many BDSM conventions around the country, so that you can both see for yourself how it is done and that kink is possible without feeling (nor being) a horrible person.

So, don't be put off by her not wanting to have sex with you. She's probably thinking that she disgusts you now that she has expressed her "wicked" fantasies.

Also please please PLEASE DO NOT TRY ANYTHING WITH HER WITHOUT FIRST TALKING WITH HER ABOUT IT.

Even if she has asked before, it's still a violence if you don't get consent, explicit and in advance consent for anything that you do to her.

TL;DR
You should both inform yourself by reading the proposed books, signing up in FetLife, going to munches and talking to other experienced people before doing anything in the bedroom.

Okay, so I have/had Vestibular Vulvodynia Syndrome, causing this:

> pushed through it, and after I got to the end of the vagina, the pain went away for her. I was able to go in and out freely, and she wasn't in any pain.

Nerves play a HUGE factor in this. Her comfort level is so important for this, I cannot stress that enough. My boyfriend does things like scratching my back, kissing my neck, giving me a massage beforehand; I think of happy, but non-sexual things (like the beach) and it makes the tension just evaporate.

Secondly, COCONUT OIL for lube, but only with non-latex condoms!

Get some dilators, and even if she doesn't use them all the time, they're a step in the right direction. These are safe to use with coconut oil for lube, and the vibration is really relaxing.

If you have anymore questions, feel free to PM me. I've been dealing with this for two years and it's one helluva battle to deal with alone. You're a good boyfriend for trying to help! :)

Hey there. I'm a girl, 24 years old, and I'm a sadist (sadomasochist, really). I love watching people's reactions as I hurt them, but as soon as I know they aren't enjoying it, I stop. Non-consensual or unintended pain is a complete turn off for me. I'd feel terrible knowing I'd actually hurt somebody in ways that they didn't like.

What really gets me going is knowing that the person I'm applying sensations to is enjoying themselves and turned on by what I'm doing. Something of an empathetic response since I know what it's like to enjoy pain.

So it's completely possible to pursue a kinky sex life in a responsible, ethical way. There are thousands of people out there who do it and have their lives and relationships deepened and enriched by it. You just need to find partners that complement your desires and needs. :3

I highly recommend reading The New Topping Book as well as The New Bottoming Book. SM 101 is also another book I've seen highly recommended.

You can download the kindle app for your PC free. I hope you can find resolution and peace with yourself. :3

BDSM is the last sort of sexual activity that people should just throw themselves into in order to "see what happens" without going in-depth with their partner(s) about their needs, desires, fantasies, and expectations and providing opportunities for understanding and negotiation.

As any kinkster will tell you, awesome, mind-blowing, fulfilling sex lying within the BDSM spectrum (and that kind of sex in general) is built on three things: communication, communication, and communication.

The good people over at /r/BDSMcommunity would be able to answer a lot of questions that might arise once you've discussed things openly and honestly with your girlfriend. Here are some great print resources you should look into:

SM 101: A Realistic Introduction, by Jay Wiseman

The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge, edited by Tristan Taormino

Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission, by William Brame, Gloria Brame, and Jon Jacobs

The New Bottoming Book and The New Topping Book, by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy

Had this very same problem. I’m 22F, and no matter what I tried with my hands, nothing would happen. I bought the Satisfyer Pro 2 off Amazon, it’s strictly a clitoral stimulator. I bought it vs a dildo or rabbit because clit stim seemed to be where I got the most traction. Also the reviews on it are amazing. (Check out mine, it’s under A.)

I bought it back in February of this year, and have since hardly gone a day without an orgasm. It sounds cliche, but my mood has drastically improved, my anxiety is down, and I sleep better.

Once I got over the first hurdle, (a few times) I tried using my hands again. Since I now knew I was physically capable of orgasms, the pressure was off and I was able to come with just my hand. I highly recommend this! Satisfyer brand also has a lot of other great products!

1. You're not greedy or selfish, if you're being open, communicative, and receptive to your partner's needs
   
2. Who says being a slut is a bad thing??
   
   Perhaps you and your SO would benefit from reading the following books together: The Ethical Slut, Sex at Dawn, and Open Relationships.
   
   Sex at Dawn gives a great evolutionary perspective on why some of us crave multiple lovers, The Ethical Slut will make you embrace your slutdom as long as you're ethical about it (which it sounds like you are!), and though I haven't yet read Opening Up, I hear it's a great how-to guide for open relationships and communication.

I got [this one](SHEQU 10'' Dildo with Suction... https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01G9NR4GY?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share) and to raise it up to fuckable level I've flipped over a small metal wastebasket and stuck it to the bottom of that.

It doesn't vibrate but it feels good. I like the hard ridges on it. (I got it for myself, I'm a guy, and i haven't used it on any of my female partners yet so i can't speak to how it feels for a woman.)

Edit: I see that you said harnesses are expensive. I also bought [this harness]( Sportsheets Divine Diva Plus Size... https://www.amazon.com/dp/B001UJS37C?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share) and it's really comfortable. The padding is nice.

Okay great. It seems that the whole "solid poop" thing is a pretty common thread.

As far as lube goes, I think we're on the right track as of now. We've been sexually active for a pretty long time and I tend to last longer than she continually produces her own lubricant so we've had a good bit of time to experiment with lubes. Right now we're giving this a go.

Out of idle curiosity, any feedback on the lube I linked to? (SFW link)

I bought one for my SO about five years ago. It's gotten a lot of use and a lot of love.

I would recommend picking up a speed controller. Amazon bundles one on their site that looks like a very techy thing. That's all well and good, but if you want something non-descript and something that you can leave out when not in use... Get the Lutron Dimmer Switch instead. Works really well, you can buy it at local retailers (Lowes) for like $8.

I have not used/purchased the Shibari Halo, so I can't comment on quality, but the build is nearly identical and really, you're not going to be using that on her for more than an hour or so at a time.

I bought a micro-wand for the SO back in 2011 that's wireless and it packs a kick, so you really probably won't be disappointed with whatever you choose.

Oh, buy one already. At this rate, you won't have it until Monday if you're ordering off of Amazon, so you just lost out on a weekend full of your SO having orgasms, buddy. You'll thank me next weekend.

If you can order with Saturday delivery, friggin order one now. :)

I don't have one, but I've read about people using dimmer switches to get more control over the intensity. You want one that you can plug into the wall and plug the wand into the other end. Here's one on Amazon marketed for the Hitachi, but I want to say that Ikea sells a very affordable one that works pretty well. Good luck!

Yes it can! :) It's actually common in therapy to treat vaginismus this way! You might want to get a set like this or this though, which are because these ones are specially made for comfortable vaginal dilation! <3

Edit: If you're not on a budget, getting silicone ones like the options below are a good idea because they're softer and more comfortable.

These are nice but a bit on the expensive side, can be bought individually though.

A really nice looking set actually!

In the name of science have her go book shopping with him.

Some decent books:

Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns

The Loving Dominant

S&M101 though, I think the first two are much better for feeling out dominance play....S&M101 I feel is a little more dated and reads a tad more like a "technical guide"

They can learn a lot about each other by reading up and discussing. She might find somethings that pique her interest. He should be able to find examples of things he'd find hot. Everyone wins.

This thing is my jam for cleaning up "downstairs" http://www.amazon.com/Philips-Norelco-BG2040-34-Bodygroom/dp/B0037HP9OA

The body groom is great, easy to use and makes everything uniform for your lady/gent with different size heads for different lengths. Forget all these people saying to avoid electric, don't waste your precious time shaving everything or (eek) cutting with scissors. It doesn't catch or pull on skin and I use it on all the areas including the sack. Of course use a razor for fine details but this bad boy always gets me back to a nice clean zen pube-garden. And just to note, this thing works great even against my very coarse, thick hair.

And there it is. Change of circumstance. Circumstance plays a huge part in female sexuality. Have you ever heard the classic joke advice about how to get your wife to have more sex with you--Do the laundry, do the dishes. A woman seeing her husband step up to help her out with taking care of the home can put her in a different mindset and get her motor running. Obviously this varies from person to person. A different wife might get stressed out by her husband doing the laundry (he's not folding clothes the right way! etc).

How is she supposed to "try harder?" She's just going to suddenly want sex more by sheer willpower? Nope. You two need to educate yourselves more on sexuality, sex drives, and get to know the circumstances under which you do and do not feel turned on. I recommend Mating In Captivity for both of you and Come As You Are for her.

Recognize that this is a problem and without concrete efforts to educate and reframe the situation, nothing will change. You can't keep doing the same things and expecting a different outcome. But it sounds like you are both willing to try, and that's what is most important.

This seems like a very good book to start with:
https://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Orgasmic-Sexual-Personal-Program/dp/0671761773/

As for a toy I'd recommend the Womanizer or Satisfyer (both work on the same principle of gentle suction and air vibration, the first is more expensive and more rumbly). I can't do manual stimulation either and those things just need to stay in place, they're amazing.

Try this: THROWS OF PASSION Waterproof Pleasure Blanket https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075WZGFJG/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_dERSAbZGKWEYC

20-30 orgasms is a lot. That’s like hitachi / powertools territory. Are you two pounding it out? Or going slow and passionate? Maybe try slowing it down a bit.

I have never had an orgasm, and I've seen a sex therapist about it. It was overall a positive experience, however not very helpful for me. So, here's a bit of the information I gathered from my sessions with her:

Books to read: Becoming Orgasmic and For Yourself. I found these books mostly relate to how to get over moral issues, if that's what is stopping you. Lots of exercises about getting comfortable with your body, touching yourself, and incorporating a partner.

As another user recommended, the Hitachi Magic Wand. Seriously. If you're buying a vibrator get this one.

Practice and Time. My therapist recommended scheduling an hour a day to masturbate (and not right before bed, when you're tired). Every day. Just focusing on pleasure and not the end goal.

Sorry if that's a bit jumbled, feel free to ask any questions.

That's something that I've definitely struggled with on occasion (nearly 10 year relationship). I've found Esther Perel's comments on long term relationships super helpful, and I re-read her book every so often to remind myself. She also has a short TED talk which summarizes some of her thoughts.

http://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship

http://www.amazon.com/Mating-Captivity-Unlocking-Erotic-Intelligence/dp/0060753641/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1407678467&sr=1-1

Hope that helps?

http://www.amazon.com/Wand-Massager-Speed-Controller-Hitachi/dp/B001TJ6MWQ/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1376263169&sr=8-1&keywords=hitachi+wand+speed+controller

You're welcome. This extends the reach by about 6ft. It also allows for more freedom in speed control. It's great for teasing my girlfriend...leave it slow let things build, and then turn it up and let things explode.

Actually, the reason is not a lack of communication, it's biology. People did not evolve to have sex with just one person, and your tendency to become bored after a while helps maintain genetic diversity within a population and helps prevent possible incest from arising. Read the book Sex at Dawn for more about it. Great book, recommended to me by a redditor. :)

I would highly recommend reading http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Dawn-Prehistoric-Origins-Sexuality/dp/0061707805. It might shed some clarity and help you decide what`s best for you to do long term.

i just bought their "sampler" yesterday! amazon prime shipping should be here today:

http://www.amazon.com/Tenga-EGGVP001-Egg-Variety-Pack/dp/B002DE6SWA/ref=sr_1_1?s=hpc&ie=UTF8&qid=1346436998&sr=1-1&keywords=tenga

dunno how good they are yet but they look pretty fun.

Don't be embarrassed. Have a quick discussion. Get a waterproof blanket for fun times.

THROWS OF PASSION Waterproof Pleasure Blanket https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075WZGFJG/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apap_Ml8XVkCk6jn2e

These were the best purchases I ever made

Gillette Trimmer (AA battery, easy to travel with, perfect for balls)

Norelco Bodygroomer (perfect for everything else, use it while showering)

The Philips Bodygroom 2040 is a purchase I definitely don't regret making. It seems to be one of the better tools out there for hair management and I've been quite happy with the job it does. My girlfriend agrees.

Yes! I work on my wifes clit and ask he simple questions Faster? Slower? Good?

Great Book!

Slow sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm

https://www.amazon.com/Slow-Sex-Craft-Female-Orgasm/dp/0446567183

​

You can actually buy this thing for dimming lamps that turns it into a variable speed and works fricken awesome! It's a small box with a dial on it that you plug into the wall, and then plug the wand into the dimmer and away you go! You just turn the wand on high and leave it, and then the dimmer switch becomes the on/off/speed control. I got my wife one years ago, I think they're like $15 on Amazon.

Edit: 😁
https://ericalbert.com/2012/12/02/making-your-vibrator-really-hum/

https://www.amazon.com/o/ASIN/B0000BYEF6/

The book you want to read is "The Multi-Orgasmic Man". this book is a short read, but it's absolutely incredible........it explains the physiology of it step by step and tells you exactly how to do it. It helped me get there and after some practice I can pretty much do it at will, it's amazing:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Multi-Orgasmic-Man-Sexual-Secrets/dp/0062513362

There are a lot of resources out there, but as a general introduction you can't really go wrong with the old school choice: SM 101. It's a little old fashioned, but it lays down the basics of how to think about play and the genres of play people engage in. It can be used as a jumping off point.

I'd suggest getting it and reading it together and talking about it as you two go.

you could try an alternative toy like a tenga egg. my girlfriend got it for me a while back and i've enjoyed it. i think its a lot easier to clean than a fleshlight, because you can practically flip it inside out.

You know, I just started looking into a book called...

Mating in Captivity.

Ironically, learned about this book through this very sub-reddit, after someone else had recommended Married Man Sex Life.

This book talks exactly about the problem with committed relationships and sex drive, and is extremely highly rated. Author seems to know what she's talking about.

tl;dr version is that sex needs a kind of distance (and mystery) to remain "hot," and that this is often at tension with the intimacy people want from relationships.

You're not alone in what you're going through. This is an extremely common problem. But there are answers that don't involve the death of your relationship to him.

I wish you the best of luck.

Amazon has the amazon locker option to avoid delivery directly to your address.

As for recommendations, it depends on your budgets and what you're looking to get out of the toy. A pretty safe and wonderful bet is the womanizer or if that is too pricy, the satisfyer. I can personally vouch for the womanizer with my ex.

This is a god send and one of the best bangs for my buck I have spent. Its extremely easy and it doesn't cut you, plus you can flip it around and it can trim your beard.

I bought my ex-boyfriend of a couple of these Tenga Eggs. He loves them and clean up is extremely easy. I linked to the variety pack by you can buy them individually.

Educate them! I didn't know about this until a partner told me. And I was able to adjust my expectations.

Then, do something else to fill the time before you can go again if she is ready to go. There are plenty of other sex related things that don't require your penis. Use your hands, use your mouth, use toys, and use all three together. Have her get herself off. Make out, dry hump. Whatever feels good.

You can try learning to delay orgasms so you can make the most of the time you do have. And you can also learn to orgasm without ejaculation, called injaculation, as well as the already-mentioned karezza and tantra.

I found the Multi Orgasmic Woman and Couple books incredibly useful. Perhaps it's worth a shot to look into the man's version?

Indeed the standard settings can be too powerful for some people.

You might consider a speed controller like this one:

https://www.amazon.com/Wand-Massager-Speed-Controller-Hitachi/dp/B001TJ6MWQ/

I [M] have one for the wand I keep at home for worthy houseguests. :-)

Here is a book that's helped a good friend of mine. In the meantime, get really good at going down on a lady and know how long your turnaround time is.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0553380427?cache=34bb2c244b195cca124dd09fe232b8b2&pi=SY200_QL40&qid=1408989074&sr=8-1#ref=mp_s_a_1_1

> had a sexual encounter with new partners. Yes, plural. A M/F couple.

Not sure why this was relevent. Could have just said "Had a sexual encounter" but I digress...

>Fellow redditors, what, if anything, do you do to groom your pubic hair? Because I love being dolphin smooth but honestly I am never going through this again.

Wife ended up getting lazer done as a birthday present for herself and I use a proper body groomer though I don't recommend that for you as you don't want a re-occurrence

You went through a hell of a battle. Glad you pulled through OK.

If you're open to try a different kind of toy I highly recommend the satisfyer pro 2, I had this problem for a long time and this broke through that barrier for me. https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B071CPR2V4/ref=dp_ob_neva_mobile

It's a different kind of vibrator, similar feeling to the womanizer (more of a clit sucking sensation and less like a vibrator, though I still to this day have trouble orgasming from oral but no issues when using this), and it's waterproof and more affordable. You can practically use it hands free, you can use it in conjunction with the pillow between your legs pressing it to you, or at the same time as PIV. The reviews can give you even more info. I hope this helps!

search for tantric yoga on google.

Not a ton of complete, or how to, information on the net, but there are plenty of books in book stores, most cities have tantric yoga groups.

http://www.amazon.com/Multi-Orgasmic-Man-Sexual-Secrets-Should/dp/0062513362 <-- good somewhat western view of this

http://www.amazon.com/Jewel-Lotus-Consciousness-Complete-Systematic/dp/1887472673 <-- out of print, but good if you can find it.

Tenga easy beat egg seems like a fun variety, and is in your budget.

the sastifyer pro is a vibrator toy that i use and it's fantastic. here's the link: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B071CPR2V4?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share. read the reviews and you'll see just how awesome it is

I've struggled with this in LTRs. It's common.

On this topic, I cannot recommend Sex At Dawn enough. It's a fascinating exploration of how human sexuality, both in terms of physiological urges and expectations, has evolved. It does a great job of cutting down the usual "men evolved to want to spread their seed, women want a protector for their bay-bees; Venus vs. Mars" story and offering some compelling (and personally much more comprehensible) explanations of who we are sexually and how we came to be that way.

SM 101 is a great book to start with, and there are a lot of rope/bondage video tutorials here!

Be safe!

I agree. Sex at Dawn made a much better case for female vocalization than this article did. Moans can effectively be used for communication between active partners but the need to is a natural response for the female and not the male.

The other commenters here have had a lot of great advice, especially about you seeking external validation and being a bit over-devoted and expecting the same. It sounds a lot like you and your wife are not on the same page regarding expectations and the only thing that can fix that is communication. However, with how built-up this is for you, that is going to be very difficult. I'd really recommend you find some therapy for yourself to help arm you with tools to solve this and similar problems now and in the future.

Before you stray from your marriage or end it, you need to do some homework. See if you can get your wife reading the same things. First, read Come As You Are for a more nuanced understanding of the differences in types of sexual response patterns. Then, read Mating in Captivity for long-term relationship sparky sparks.

i think soft restraints are a good start. i saw these on reddit somewhere and we got them and love it

http://www.amazon.com/Sportsheets-SS680-03-Sexy-Slave-Kit/dp/B001BMDQQG

> I don't really know how to handle this other than continuing to occasionally spice things up and repress this desire leftover from my flirty school days.

You might check to see if your husband is open to not climaxing every time you have sex. It's how my sexuality has been the last N years. I like it for a number of reasons and one of those reasons is that I'm always interested in sex. This book talks about it as one of the techniques discussed. Wikipedia talks about it in general but not the specifics of enacting the practice.

So that's the good news..... here's the bad news .....

Marriage in the US loads a lot of roles onto one person. Your husband is your housemate, business partner, confidante, potential co-parent, and lover ... for life. That's a lot and many monogamous couples end up compromising surrounding their sex life.

> Lying is only ok when you are truly protecting someone

That's a cultural value, not an immutable law of nature, as Perel says:

>Perel: In America, lying can never be an act of caring. We find it hard to accept that lying would be protective, this is an unexamined idea. In some countries, not telling, or a certain opaqueness, is an act of respect. Also, maybe the opposite of transparency isn’t intimacy, it’s aggression. People sometimes tell for their own good, as an act of aggression.

The interviewer wrote The End of Men; Perel wrote Mating in Captivity (which is a brilliant book).

I recommend reading The Multi Orgasmic Man . It has the best kegel exercises as far as I'm concerned.

My favorite source for this: Sex at Dawn

Note that there's a number of things in that book that are controversial and/or still being debated, but I think for the most part it's pretty spot on, particularly in the sexual behaviors of ancient people.

Yes. Read The Multi-Orgasmic Man. It recommends a bunch of techniques for you to master your orgasm. I cannot rave about this book enough, with practice it definitely works.

Our experiences with attachments has been "meh".
But, one thing that might help is if you get a dimmer for it to plug into like this:

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0000BYEF6/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_DEYrzbHV94QRS

The hitachi only has two speeds, this allows for some versatility depending on sensitivity.

Millions and millions of orgasms from Hitachi since 1979,
But as you say.. it's very powerful. Some folks put devices inline with plug to reduce power, Some put a towel between their parts and the head. Whatever works.. it's a really good device.

Speed Controller

Edit: Link to speed controller.

This book will truly change your life if you do all the exercises. You can probably find a free pdf version online somewhere.

We have this dimmer. Works great. Also, get some attachments.

Depends on the motor. Some are designed to operate at certain speeds and voltage.

Looking at the picture of a teardown the unit seems very sturdy so it can probably handle drop in torque.

Best bet is to buy dedicated dimmer with electronics that wont risk motor burnout or fire: https://www.amazon.com/Wand-Massager-Speed-Controller-Hitachi/dp/B001TJ6MWQ

I don't know if you were trying to format it in any particular way, but put brackets [] around the words and parentheses () around the link.

[THROWS OF PASSION Waterproof...] (https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075WZGFJG?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share)

If not, carry on.

https://www.amazon.com/Satisfyer-Pro-2-Next-Generation/dp/B071CPR2V4/

There are a bunch of threads around on them if you search "satisfyer" or "womanizer"... they work super well for some people and not for others.

In Amazon, search for " THROWS OF PASSION Waterproof Blanket " It's bullet proof!

If you're interested in shaving look no further:
http://www.amazon.com/Philips-Norelco-BG2040-BodyGroom-Pro/dp/B0037HP9OA/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1368548581&sr=8-1&keywords=norelco+body

Easily one of the best purchase I made toward personal grooming. Its designed to be used on your man parts and let me tell you, it does an amazing job. Closest and softest shave I've ever had, and it cuts the hair in such a way that grows back without being prickly (no idea how it does this but it works)

It also has a trimmer end which I would use first if you're particularly gnarly down there.

A suction one. Absolutely the best. Google satisfyer pro and read some reviews

Edit.. found it for you
https://www.amazon.com/Satisfyer-Pro-2-Next-Generation/dp/B071CPR2V4

Here you go. Throw in one of these and you got yourself a party.

edit: sorry I did not see the price range you wanted to stay within. May I recommend this

I googled “putty dick” lmao. But also I found something called the Tenga egg? Is that what it is?

https://www.amazon.com/6-Color-Package-Variety-Portable-Pleasure/dp/B002DE6SWA

You can also buy a controller, like this one that slows the vibration way down, and as an owner of both, I recommend highly.

These books will change your lives. They're short and easy to read. They get kinda new agey, but if you can get past that theres alot of truth.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Way-Superior-Man-Challenges/dp/1591792576

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_1?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=enlightened+sex+manual

I suggest [Tenga eggs]. They are amazing and my wife has used them on me on multiple occasions. (http://Tenga Egg Variety 6-Pack Assortment 1 https://www.amazon.com/dp/B002DE6SWA/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_tzC2DbPEZRFWC)

THROWS OF PASSION Waterproof... https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075WZGFJG?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share

If you want something fun and cheap, order some tenga eggs.

This was a big changer for me and helped get erections back. I masturbated dry for years and it slowly took a toll on me. Once I started on this, then later moved to this and now finally currently using Sassy; I don't ever masturbate dry anymore. I recommend all three, and later this month going to try H20

There are also some helpful mental strategies you can explore! Check out this book!

The same product listing on Amazon (including the exact same number of reviews) can not be sold by Amazon directly, or have multiple sellers and when you add it to your cart it automatically picks the seller with the lowest price, even if it's not Amazon and the alternate seller has relatively poor seller reviews. When buying from Amazon either make sure it says "Ships and sold by Amazon.com" just under where it says "In Stock" in green text, or if it's a 3rd party seller that you read that seller's reviews. Most relatively expensive products should have a serial number which you can try to verify with the manufacturer.

The dial you saw on the other model allows you to decrease the power to the device, which in turn decreases how often it sends a vibration. Basically the magic wand fills a capacitor, and when it's full it releases that energy into a motor which causes the vibration. If you feed it less power, it vibrates less often, but the power switch on the device only has two settings, both of which are fairly intense.

If you want to try this, the good news is you don't need the other model which has the dimmer/dial built in. You can buy this and plug it in between the wand and the wall socket; you'll then be able to have continuously variable frequency of vibration, but it doesn't affect the intensity of each vibration.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B001TJ6MWQ/ref=mp_s_a_1_1_a_it?ie=UTF8&qid=1491055713&sr=8-1&keywords=magic+wand+speed+controller

Get that and she will probably enjoy it more

I would forgo the rabbit and get a vibrator and maybe a dildo. I have to agree with what the hosts of a podcast I regularly listen to say, rabbits try to do a lot of jobs and end up not doing any of them well. I have also noticed with my partners that they want one, maybe two sensations going on down there at a time. As far as vibrators go, as was mentioned Lelo vibrators are good, but expensive. I got my girlfriend this vibrator from Jopen which is more in your price range. As a plus it is also waterproof. You could also go for the Hitachi Magic Wand which is a favorite of many women. If you go that route I would recommend a dimmer switch to tone down the intensity as it has only two settings, "Oh my god" and "Time to take a wall out." One problem that people say is that with the wand is it can be difficult to use during PIV sex. Also it can be intimidating for first time toy users.

This trimmer is good for the nether regions. It's marketed at men, but I'm guessing it works just fine on ladies too.

I used a body trimmer once. One end is a straight up beard trimmer type thing, the other end is an electric shaver with a beard trimmer thing on either side. The shaver end tilts, and when I used it it tilted far enough down that the trimmer got me (this thing http://www.amazon.com/Philips-BG2040-34-Bodygroom-Grooming/dp/B0037HP9OA/).

See, the problem with a trimmer is that the blades don't slice like a knife or even like a scissors. They move past each other on a different plane, and can jam the skin between top and bottom. That with the motion makes it feel like it's pulling itself in further, like it's taking a bite out of you, cutting and crushing at the same time. It is so incredibly horrible.

I personally think a Fleshlight is worth it, but I am not a guy. I like to use it on my husband. It looks pretty much like a flashlight to the uninitiated.

Other guys enjoy Tenga eggs, which are much cheaper but limited use.

Don't underestimate the pleasure of lubrication.

If your GF hassles you for it, just own it like a boss. It's nothing to be ashamed of. You're using a tool instead of cheating on her. It's a penis massager to get rid of unpleasant tension, just like people have back massagers for back tension. My household has equal opportunities in toy ownership. Both my husband and I have sex toys and use them alone or together.

*Edited for Tenga egg link

Read Sex at Dawn. Have your girlfriend read Sex at Dawn.

http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Dawn-Prehistoric-Origins-Sexuality/dp/0061707805/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1290967913&sr=8-1

Then have an open, honest conversation. And seek a sex-positive couples therapist. You will both need it. These are serious changes.

http://www.amazon.com/New-Male-Sexuality-Revised/dp/0553380427
I had to read this book for class, it made me realize how much pressure men go through. I would recommend it. It deals with everything, psychology drugs that might help etc.

This book might be useful. http://www.amazon.com/Mating-Captivity-Unlocking-Erotic-Intelligence/dp/0060753641/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1450549497&sr=8-1&keywords=mating+in+captivity

Yeah gotta say the Hitachi Magic Wand will make any woman orgasm. Also buy a lamp dimmer off of Amazon. I bought an official Hitachi for my wife and a dimmer for when the Wand gets too potent(after her first orgasm her clit becomes too sensitive). This is the one I ordered for her.

Lutron TT-300H-WH Electronics Plug-In Lamp Dimmer, White https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0000BYEF6/ref=cm_sw_r_other_awd_9v66wbWBNFGV0

The Wand has become her quickie solo tool, she uses it through her clothes when the kids are home and she needs a quick orgasm.

My wife uses this to slow down the motor to her liking https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0000BYEF6/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_Pzf0AbGXVVMKB

What a terrible situation to be in for all parties involved. I'm sorry your family is struggling with this.

I got my boyfriend a set of Tenga eggs which he enjoys much more than just manual masturbation on its own. they also have a less-disposable tube-shaped version that might suit your dad's needs better.

1. Lots of foreplay. Get him to build you up with oral, finger play, etc.
   
2. Change positions often
   
3. Use your keigals and loosen or tighten things up when he is starting to go off.
   
4. Get this book, http://www.amazon.com/Multi-Orgasmic-Man-Sexual-Secrets-Should/dp/0062513362 it has "exercises" for him OR Get this book for the two of you http://www.amazon.com/Multi-Orgasmic-Couple-Sexual-Secrets-Should/dp/0062516140
   
   

Check out this book: https://www.amazon.com/Multi-Orgasmic-Man-Sexual-Secrets-Should/dp/0062513362

My marriage got transformed when I stopped cumming everytime during sex. Now I can get my hands off my wife. Worth giving it a shot.

Try this... I’ve seen it do wonders.
Satisfyer Pro 2 - Luxury Orgasms, Air Pressure Technology, 11 Tantalizing Settings, Rechargeable Waterproof Fun! https://www.amazon.com/dp/B071CPR2V4/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_.KJBCb83654R4

What about without the bumps/ingrown hairs? I am a male who dislikes having hair down there and I recently got this and it amazingly trims me down to almost what a shave will do, without all the irritation. Well worth the money I'd say, and I'm not afraid to use it all over.

My girlfried also has a lot more orgasms than I do when we have sex.... and I love it! But then again, I do cum in the end.
Your dick did not break, it is probably all in your head.

Read this book: http://www.amazon.com/The-Male-Sexuality-Revised-Edition/dp/0553380427/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1382886349&sr=8-1&keywords=new+male+sexuality

There are several things you can do to slow down ejaculation.

But before we get to them, you should think about a couple of questions. These are, “How fast is too fast?”, and “Too fast for whom?” We ask you to think about these questions because many men feel insecure about their sexual staying power, and compare themselves to the fantasy standards of porno movies where guys seem to stay hard and last for hours.

So please think about this a bit. Is this something that you want to do because you want to increase your pleasure, or is it something you want to do to improve your partner’s pleasure? If it’s for your partner, have you talked to him or her about it? If not, you might find out that they’re perfectly happy with things as they stand.

That said, here are a few things you can do to last longer.

• Masturbate to orgasm an hour or two before you have sex. Many men find that it takes longer for them to come when they’ve already come recently.
  
• Wear a condom. In addition to helping prevent unwanted pregnancy and STD transmission, condoms can reduce sensation so you can last longer.
  
• The best approach is to get to know your body and to teach yourself to last longer through masturbation. Most men report that there’s a point where they haven’t come yet but know they’re about to and can’t stop it. The idea is to recognize when your body is before that point, and then to stop or slow down. In other words, before you get to the point where you know you’re going to come, you want to recognize when you’re close to going over the edge but you can still pull back. The goal is to masturbate and experiment to find this point.
  
  This technique is described in detail in the book The New Male Sexuality, Revised Edition by Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D., published by Bantam Books (1992).
  
  There are few techniques for temporary delay of ejaculation. These are for occasional use, and is not a substitute for learning how to control ejaculation through the ways mention above.
  
  
• The Million Dollar Point. When you are near orgasm, put a finger or two on your perinium and push in. The perinium is the middle point between the scrotum and the anus. In many men, you can press relatively hard here, hold it, and delay orgasm temporarily.
  
• The Glans Pinch. When you are near orgasm, put your thumb on top of the penis head, and index and middle finger underneath, pinch together firmly. In many men, you can pinch relatively hard here, hold it, and delay orgasm temporarily.
  
  
  SFSI volunteer
  
  P
  

Neither did I when I was 20. Sex is a messy free for all until your late 20s or early 30s.

If you want to know more about men read this- http://www.amazon.com/The-Multi-Orgasmic-Man-Sexual-Secrets/dp/0062513362. Give it to your man to read too. You'll both learn a lot.

I've heard you can use a dimmer switch on the power cord.

A search shows this and this on Amazon.

Yea, amazon has it for $24 or so. brrrrrrrr

Same thing happened to me and my girlfriend, although over a longer time period. You'll find a lot of similar stories in /r/deadbedrooms... that's a very common problem.

As for advice, I highly recommend the book Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel, as well as her TED talk (her second talk is a bit off-topic here), for a start. Basically, if you want to change the situation, you'll need to understand why you bf's libido faded, and then find a way to address the issue(s) you identified. You can also find advice, or
at least support, on /r/deadbedrooms.

However, keep in mind that having a "honeymoon period" in the early days of a relationship that slowly wanes can also mean that your bf's low libido is actually his "normal" libido... which means that there might simply be no "solution".

> Philips Norelco Bodygroom

This one.

According to my Amazon order history, I purchased it in January 2013. I don't know when exactly it started acting up, but it began holding a charge for less and less time, until it would turn off after just a few seconds. I bought a different brand in July of 2014, so generously it lasted a year and a half.

You might want to check out this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Mating-Captivity-Unlocking-Erotic-Intelligence/dp/0060753641

The author also gave a TED talk if I remember correctly.

Might want to read "The Multi Orgasmic Man"

Some people rightly think the levels are too intense. A simple lamp dimmer made all the difference for my wife.

You can get a speed controller to dial in just the amount of power to the magic wand you want.

http://www.amazon.com/Wand-Massager-Speed-Controller-Hitachi/dp/B001TJ6MWQ/ref=sr_1_8?ie=UTF8&qid=1397104024&sr=8-8&keywords=hitachi+magic+wand

Harbor Freight sells the same thing as a router controller.

Read this: Sex_at_Dawn

Here ya go...

Start counting down the days, my friend.

I usually pull the orgasm up (no semen), or I blast in the face/tits/stomach/back/neck. I don't plan to have kids until I'm 40 to 45, not gonna get into a habit of creampies 'till then.

u/changingmaya is this like Karezza or tantra? https://www.amazon.com/Slow-Sex-Craft-Female-Orgasm/dp/0446567183

I have the following book but have to find it. Have you read it

Read this book: http://www.amazon.com/The-Male-Sexuality-Revised-Edition/dp/0553380427

http://www.amazon.ca/Becoming-Orgasmic-Sexual-Personal-Program/dp/0671761773

+

http://www.amazon.com/Vibratex-HV-250R-Hitachi-Magic-Massager/dp/B00005M1WE

And one of these. The wands can be fierce for some.

http://www.amazon.com/Lutron-TT-300H-WH-Electronics-Plug-In-Dimmer/dp/B0000BYEF6

Problem Solved

I wouldn't use a magic wand with out this.