(Part 2) Best products from r/sexover30

well now I have some time so buckle up.

/u/helpwiththisproblemp is a nice guy. Not a full-blown neckbeard fedora M'Lady but he has that mindset. Where men are only in 2 categories.. Nice Gentlemen like himself, and the Assholes who get the women to lust after them. I cant guess how this mindset starts, sometimes they live with a disgruntled single mother or an equally Nice father, but they're genuinely convinced that by being Nice, safe, bland, trustworthy and a good provider is the exact path into a woman's panties. "I'm Nice. I have a good job. I bring home the bacon, why isnt that dropping her panties, why isnt she showing her gratitude by giving me a blowjob, why are all those Musician/Artist/Biker Assholes getting all the pussy??"

They repress their sexual nature and urges so they're not "creepy, aggressive or gross, not like those Bikers" and well, they get Friendzoned. But they secretly want to be sexually confident and lusted after.

They have an equally "either/or" view of women. They're either sluts or Nice women. Nice demure women. Nice ladies, ladies who dont act like sluts. Once again, they secretly want their demure wife to act like a slut! (Sluts are great btw)

So everything is a covert contract. He asked for a blowjob but I bet his behaviour right up until then was as a polite demure gentleman, treating his nice demure wife with respect, because he's a Nice man he picked a nice demure lady didnt he. He got all excited when she mentioned deep-throating him, because that's what he secretly wanted, but he never encouraged her to be slutty from them on, so she relaxed and forgot about it. "He never followed up, never rewarded me for sexual behaviour, never acted like a confident sexy beast, so whatevs".

Advice - that no-one ever likes, cos apparently 'being offended on behalf of someone else' is a new national past-time, as is 'asking for advice but crying over the harsh truths and not changing a damn thing'

Stop being Nice and having covert contracts. Read this book and before you flip your shit, read the blurb, it's not for Neckbeards.

If you dont like reading books, watch some episodes of Lucifer, it's hilarious because if the actor was ugly it would be creepy and gross. But he's handsome, well-dressed and dashing, so he's confident, sexy, alluring and bold.

If you cant be bothered with either of those, at least grasp that people arent either/or. Men arent just Nice or Assholes. There's a sliding scale. Women who are happily ravaging their men are with good guys. Good, sexy, confident, non-assholes. And by happily I mean we are genuinely happy. Content with how sexy, decent and safe our partner is. We dont complain so you dont hear from us? just from the unhappy ones who are with real assholes I guess.

Women arent evil for being slutty. I'm sexually confident and adore doing filthy things with my partner. and I clean up nice to go to dinner with his friends.

cc /u/drreedrichards it seemed like you needed some stuff too.

Mmmmmmm.... my favorite activity in life. It's just not sex if I don't get to eat pussy. So many senses come into play at once. The sight of that gorgeous muff and her puffy outer labia. I stick my nose right up and breathe in that soft musky scent. The vestibule between her clit and her hole if so soft and wet. It’s like a slip and slide for my tongue. I often get too excited while eating pussy, begin to hyperventilate, and have to take a moment to calm down. She'll just rub the back of my neck and calm me down before I go back to work.

I can hardly think of a pussy eating position that I don't like. 69 on top. 69 on bottom. Lying between her legs, whether she's on her back or on her hands and knees. I can kneel down and eat that pussy while she stands in front of me. I can bend her over the bed and eat from the back. We don't do a lot of face sitting these days, but I love it when it happens!!! The feel of her grinding her beaver into my face, running her pussy from the bridge of my nose, all the way down to my chin, soaking my face with wetness. So good!!

But our go-to pussy eating position is for her to lie on her back, and I'll kneel next to her, facing her feet. I can angle my body over hers a bit, and eat her pussy with my nose facing downward. This keeps my beard stubble from touching sensitive spots, and keeps my arm free to use as much simultaneous finger banging action as required. I can mash my tongue against her clitoral hood and that muscle just above the hood. She can grab my cock, balls, ass, or rub my taint as he pleases, so we both win. From our go-to feasting position, I can even turn my head sideways and use my tongue to work her clit side to side quickly, once she's good and warmed up.

I use a lot of variation in my pussy eating technique. I generally start slow and soft, sucking in her inner labia, and running my tongue up and down the inside of her labia. This causes the labia to swell rapidly, and produces wonderful moans of pressure. Then I play around the hole and the posterior fourchet, teasing it with tongue insertions and moderate tongue pressure. Some girls dig that. Some don’t. My girl loves it. Then I use a lot of tongue padding, in very gentle slow circular movements on her citoral hood. This helps her to start feeling good, and just relax into the experience. She's the type that likes to spend some time in happy land, zoned out to the pleasure for a bit. The slow pressure really helps her to get there. As she gets more aroused, I'll increase pressure, and start with some vertical movement on her clit, and often drift down to lick a bit of honey from the hole. Long slow tongue strokes. As the pace picks up, I tend to focus on the clit, and insert a couple fingers into her. I'll initially use my knuckles to press against her g-spot, flexing my finger muscles to create a pulsing sensation inside of her, until she's close to orgasm. As I change to strong sideways licks of her clit, I'll plunge my fingers in deep, and start to massage the sides of her vaginal walls. This always tips her over the edge, giving her both a vaginal and clitoral orgasm at the same time.

My wife chain orgasms, so I can just mash my tongue on her clit at this point, with no movement, and rotate my fingers downward into her posterior fornix, and produce a massive gushing orgasm by using a “come hither” technique, or rotate the fingers upward, and “come hither” to make her squirt. Sometimes I’ll do both if she’s on a good roll. She generally has between 3 and 5 orgasms before we ever get around to PIV, and she often needs a short break or her pussy muscles will lock out my dick if I try to put it inside too quickly. I’m cool with the wait though, as that usually means it’s blowjob time.

I’ve been using a clitoris suction device on her clit lately. She has a very tiny clit, and the suction helps to swell her clit enough that I can actually suck on it and give it a mini blowjob. It’s pretty awesome.

I’m also a huge fan of the Liberator Arche Wedge sex pillow. It raises her up enough, while I’m lying between her legs, to make pussy eating comfortable for an hour at a shot. No more cramped neck. It also gives me far more arm and hand mobility in this position. She also cums easier with the pillow, as her raised hips allow her to more easily flex her pelvic muscles. The pillow rocks, and has a soft velvety cover that can be easily removed and cleaned.

I'm gonna sound like a broken record here, but a lot of these problems can be fixed by taking much longer with the preliminaries. You sound like you're like me and a lot of women. You take a while to get warmed up. And he wants to jump in with oral or PIV before you're even halfway warmed up and ready for it. And then PIV is an express train and once it starts it feels like it's out of your control.

[Note: being wet doesn't necessarily mean you're ready! See: The Mystery of Arousal and Vaginal Wetness.)

This doesn't work for everyone, but it really helps a lot of couples in similar situations:

Get a good folding massage table, some coconut oil, and some nice big soft towels.

Get a good book on sensual or erotic massage.

Start learning and practicing on each other. It feels wonderful and it's a huge education for both of you about your partner's body and how to give them maximum pleasure and how to guide them on giving you what you need.

In particular, it will take the pressure off of him and let him learn how to understand your timing and needs and how to satisfy your body without the distraction of dealing with his own arousal and orgasm. It will give you both the intimacy and the feeling of loving and being loved that you need, without getting frustrated or impatient because the other person's needs don't synchronize with your own.

Plus, the orgasms are amazing and you can have as many as you want! And regular sex gets better as a result, because you're more relaxed and you both understand each other's bodies so much better.

For example, he will discover how long it takes before you're ready for oral, and several good ways to get you there, and because he discovered it for himself, while he was in control and focused entirely on you, it will really stick this time. Once it's a habit, and he's learned your "tells," he can use that during regular sex without even having to think about it.

One final link, a plug for Shakti's tantra website: Extraordinary Passion -- The Art and Science of Modern Tantric Sex. Once you get everything back on track, you're going to be halfway to doing tantric sex anyway, and you're probably going to want to see how much more there is to do. That's the place to go when you're ready.

Good luck! I hope you guys get everything sorted out!

No sex for me this week, but I did have a few cool experiences. I took u/GrwnUpPonyo's advice and bought a tiny buttplug on Friday. Tried it out during masturbation, and, wow, it was pretty cool. It's small enough that I didn't have much of an "Ack! There's something in my butt!" sensation, but it intensified my orgasm. Nice.

I haven't been able to get together with my sweetie for a couple of months, but last Sunday he texted me a gorgeous fantasy. The next morning we chatted. He said that he's always been worried about losing what we have, and it makes him not want to get close. It's so out of character for him to say something like that, that I was just stunned.

And my young Kiwi lover has also been so much more considerate and open lately. A couple of months ago, he told me that he doesn't like to get close to anyone, but he doesn't like being that way and is trying to be better. I of course thought these were mostly likely empty words, but he's actually followed through.

So, both of my avoidantly attached, distant, workaholic men have been opening up, without any prompting or pushing from me. And it just makes me even more crazy about them, but it also makes me nervous because I know it's uncomfortable for them.

So I found a really great book called Avoidant: How to love or leave a dismissive partner and read it this week. I thought is was just excellent, and would highly recommend to anyone who has an avoidantly attached partner, or who is avoidantly attached and trying to treat his/her loved ones better.

And since avoidantly attached people often get put down as "bad" partners, I also want to say a few words of praise for avoidant guys. They are awesome in bed (it even mentions this in the book; avoidantly attached people tend to be better lovers than anxiously attached or securely attached people). They don't make you feel like your life force is being sucked out of you with a straw, leaving you an empty husk of a person. You may not see them very often, but when you do, you leave feeling energized and happy, not drained or exhausted.

Ok Darlingnikki928 here is the conundrum you are faced with.

It sounds like your boyfriend is what we would call a "Vanilla" and you are in the BDSM spectrum (this varies based on your personal sexual preference) so hence you would be a kinkster (there are other names). So what you need to do is learn about yourself more with regards to your BDSM likings/desires/needs/etc. so then you can provide your "Vanilla" boyfriend ALL the information that HE NEEDS in order to provide you with what your sexual needs/desires are since eventually if he doesn't learn how to be a kinkster like yourself, the relationship will eventually fade into obscurity due to the fact that kinksters like us will ALWAYS need sex in the way WE NEED IT and without your help to educate him ( like my first serious girlfriend did soooo many years ago to me) he WILL FAIL at it time after time.

To give you an idea, in my case I was raised by my mother to NEVER EVER, EVER hit a woman, NOT EVEN with a rose and was also taught that doing so was VERY disrespectful to ANY WOMAN.

Imagine my surprise when in my late teens while being ridden HARD cowgirl style by my then girlfriend (we were dating about 3 months) all of a sudden she blurs out to me "Hit me!" To which I confusingly said "What?" and she said "HIT ME!". My brain started to go in all kinds of directions trying to understand what she meant and I must of had the most confused look on my face because she then grabbed my hand and slapped herself with it ( while she continued to ride me) at which point I thought "HOLY SHIT! She did ask me to hit her!".

My body wanted to hit her to give her the pleasure that she needed but my mind kept remembering my mother yelling at me as a child after I had hit my sister in a disagreement and she ferociously defended my sister with her "NEVER EVER, EVER hit a woman, NOT EVEN with a rose" line. The struggle I went through with those thoughts in my mind and my body fighting each other for dominance trying to decide whether I should or should not hit her as she had requested was just absolutely MIND BLOWING while at the same time exhilarating.

I just did not know what to do because my mind and body were at a stalemate at which point she repeated herself "HIT ME! It's OK".

I VERY RELUCTANTLY agreed and lightly slapped her face at which point She said to me, "NO, I mean REALLY HIT ME!! Just slap me!!".

As she forcefully told me to "JUST DO IT!" and that it was OK and that SHE really, REALLY LIKED IT , I then was able to remove my "social restraints" and let it rip.

I (as if instinctually) also grabbed her hair at the same time completely taking control over her. When she felt my REAL slap on her face and me grabbing her hair overpowering her, it was like I had RELEASED a wild animal IN HEAT and the harder I slapped her and pulled her hair, the HARDER she rode me. I was completely shocked and appalled at myself not only for the fact that there I was "technically" abusing this woman I loved and she was absolutely LOVING every minute of it.

The worst and BEST PART for me at the same time was that the feeling was absolutely INCOMPREHENSIBLE and AMAZING for me as well. It was like the more I fed her her needs (roughness with her) the more she fed me MY NEEDS (seeing her ABSOLUTELY CRAZY with pleasure as I controlled her) and we became two people feeding each other our sexual energy and needs that eventually ended in us BOTH feeling indescribable.

That day was the day that I discovered in me something that I had ABSOLUTELY NEVER thought I would enjoy doing with a woman in the bedroom and from that moment forward I opened my mind to ANY possibility and promised myself that I would ALWAYS try it first before saying whether I liked it or not.

So to finish it up I can tell you that he'll need more than just a "talk" since you yourself are still discovering your kinky side. He'll need you to show him the "POSSIBILITIES" of what he can feel by guiding him into YOUR WORLD.

I highly recomend the following to help you both and hopefully with this information he will understand what your needs are.

There is a great book called "Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism" ( https://www.amazon.com/Screw-Roses-Send-Thorns-Sadomasochism/dp/0964596008 ) that will give you a lot of great information not only for yourself but also for him. You can both read it together and learn more about each other which will in turn help you one way or another.

There is also a few BDSM sites out there that you can join to meet like minded people that you can learn from as well. My prefered site is "fetlife.com". It's like a Facebook for kinksters.

Lastly please do keep in mind that there is a slight possibility that this "lifestyle" will be too much for him to handle since some men are VERY intimidated by this so he might not understand it altogether and think that you are crazy/odd/etc. BUT know that you ARE NOT ALONE in your needs and desires, there are a lot more people out there nowadays that are open minded about this and are willing to explore.

If it turns out that he is scared off by it, you can use the OK-Cupid dating site to date people that are in the same spectrum as you are since OKC let's you put it as part of your dating profile. I don't think that there are other dating sites that do it but OKC does. This will help since it'll filter out the "Vanilla " guys and you'll at least know that the people you date on that site will also have similar needs and desires like you.

Hope this helps!!

Good luck and have lots of fun!!

So you've gotten in better shape, but your still crawling around on all 4 begging for her attention. News Flash - Needy people are so much work and a turn off at the end of the day.

I wore your exact shoes a few years ago and was at the door of divorce. Today we both agree that had either one of us brought up the bid D word, it probably would have happened.

Ask yourself while looking in the mirror - Are you the man that attracted her 14 years ago when she clawed at you? What were you like back then?

Most answers are the same - Spontaneous, Energetic, Played sports, Built things with your hands, had an ego, could change the world, had no time for needy people, energetic, life of the party, social leader, ect.

Heres the part that might sting a little - but stop trying to change other people. They owe you nothing and you don't own them. Once you're truly happy internally and loving yourself that you will begin to see others want to be around you. When you give off that vibe that you have your world under control and nothing fazes you, people want to be a part of that because it's attractive.

Find a hobby, play some sports, spend time in the garage building something, take care of shit at home because you want to, not because you think it will change someone else. Never expect anything in return for what you do in and out of the house. Improve YOU and others WILL notice.

Read this book as the first step: https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1479840469&sr=1-1&keywords=no+more+mr+nice+guy

Look, I know how you feel and it breaks my heart to read these stories - but please take what I typed with a grain of salt and really look internally for that change you want. It may not fix your marriage, but it puts you on the roadmap and the right frame of mind going forward.

I took this advice 3-4-5 years ago - today we are so freaking open in our conversations it's crazy hot, sex has been better than ever before, and we are planning vacations, ect. The house is clean, the kids are happy, and we glow when we go out. In fact we glow so damn much people are always all over us at parties ect.

Start leading, stop following.

Based on this and the things you've said in response to other comments, I'm getting a better feel for your wife's situation, and I don't think this is necessarily a true loss of libido situation.

FWIW, my own hunch is that most true cases of libido loss that don't have other medical causes are really cases of low-level chronic depression, or what the shrinks call "dysthemia," which comes with a general loss of the ability to feel pleasure from much of anything.

I went through this and I felt dead, no pleasure at all from things that normally felt good. When someone is in that kind of trap, the dysthemia needs to be treated before there's any hope of getting back to the point where sex is enjoyable. In fact, I think that's why CBT works so well as a treatment for low libido – it's very effective at treating mild depression without hitting people with meds that further reduce libido.

But the picture you have drawn is very different. Your wife is high cuddle, she's orgasmic, and after a good session in bed she's surprising herself by how much she has enjoyed it. She's not numb at all, she just has the brakes on almost all of the time and has a hard time shutting them off.

My read from this is that your wife's libido issue is mainly "just" baby stress and lack of time. It hits women with responsive desire especially hard because they have to shift gears and get aroused from a cold start, and there's usually not enough time without distractions.

If I'm right, then you mainly need to fix your circumstances. And that starts with coping with stress. One of the best ways is to learn to meditate and actually DO it for at least 10 minutes every day. Also do whatever you have to do so both of you get more sleep, more exercise, and more time in green spaces.

But the other essential piece of the puzzle is making time for yourselves without the kids in the house, preferably at least once a week. Sign up for a "Parents Night Out" evening daycare program, or the Saturday morning or afternoon version of the same thing. Google it. Many YMCAs, churches, temples, and synagogues do this one night or day a week, and it can cost as little as $20-30 in some areas. Or find a single mom or another couple with kids the same ages as yours and propose a swap: maybe they take your kids one evening or you take theirs the next morning, or vice versa.

Then when you do get the kids out of the house, pamper her or get her to pamper herself. Make it a mini-spa at the start, with a glass of wine and a long bubble bath, or whatever helps her relax and forget about the stress she's carrying. (Maybe she can get a head start on this while you drop off the kids.) But take it from another LL/RD: it's a LOT easier to get in the mood for sex if you've had an interval to relax first and you're already mellowed out!

> just having these conversations, particularly if they're framed as "why don't you want sex anymore?" is a form of pressuring her to have sex

Yup. It's so easy for it to come across as "You're broken and I'm trying to fix you so I'll get better sex." And I don't think more talk is what you need. I think instead of discussions you need to focus on actions that will actually change your circumstances.

Here's one simple option to think about in addition to the things I already mentioned (paraphrasing something a friend wrote yesterday):

• Get a good, inexpensive folding massage table, some coconut oil, and at least two nice big soft towels (if you don't already have some).
  
  
• Get a good book on sensual or erotic massage.
  
  
• Start practicing on each other. It feels wonderful and it can be a huge education about your partner's body and how to give her maximum pleasure.
  
  If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't discuss any of this with her until the table arrives. Make it something you did on impulse because you wanted to give her a treat, and then offer to give her a massage. Do NOT tie it to any kind of sex afterward! That will come eventually if you get her feeling more relaxed and open to sensual pleasure. Just make it a standing offer of free massages with no strings attached whenever she wants one.
  
  Have fun!
  
  
  
  
  

Do you need recommendations? 😁

Edit: I'm assuming by the upvotes the answer is yes. Otherwise ignore.

1. Avidlove Men Underwear Micromodal Bikinis - Hands down my favorite and most comfortable I've ever bought. The reviews on Amazon confirm. Every man should try a pair. Here I'm wearing them normally, and here you can see they can almost contain my erection. This was an important feature when I was dating my wife ;-)
   
   
2. N2N Bodywear Fresh Brief FR3 - In brown these are my wife's favorite. They really make your package noticeable no matter what pants you are wearing. Of course I model them without pants.
   
   
3. QIYUN.Z Mens Underpants Pouch - By far the favorite of other women. Before I lost some weight, they were less comfortable. You also have to ride them up in the back, and low in the front, to make sure they don't tug the testes too much.

We bought the one linked below a little over a year ago for $150. It compares very well with a more expensive one (~$500) that we owned previously. It looks like that exact model in the link is no longer available, but I would be pretty confident recommending similar models from that company as we've been happy with this one so far.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00D2P3NCC

1. Turn off the news. When looked at objectively things *aren't* bad. They aren't as good as you wish in whatever area, but I bet money, marbles or chalk that at least 1/3rd of the people strongly disagree with you and wish it was that far in the OTHER direction, so while it could be better, it would be worse for someone else.
   
2. Spend more time outside in green places. Go for a hike in a national forest/national park. It's good for your mental state. This is science.
   
3. Get a PROFESSIONAL massage. Both of you.
   
4. Start exercising regularly. Weights and "cardio". These are proven stress reducers. If the kids are a problem, find a gym that has child watch. Most of the 24 hour fitness (not to advocate them, but they aren't *horrible*) gyms around here have some sort of play area for kids. Put the kids somewhere (relatively) safe for an hour or 90 minutes and burn off your sweat. Some places have a hot tub.
   
5. Get a jar of coconut oil (supposedly unrefined is best, IDK why). Get a bottle of this https://www.amazon.com/Premium-Organic-Aloe-Health-Moisturizing/dp/B00XW8CSE8 and one of these https://www.amazon.com/7-pack-Plastic-Squeeze-Condiment-Bottles/dp/B01HAWNA5M from your local grocery store. Fill it about half way with the coconut oil. Then the other half with the aloe. Put it in a HOT cup of water to keep it liquid. Cover your bed with an old blanket (or a cheap one from target/walmart). Now use about 1/4 that bottle rubbing down your wife. Then tomorrow night she uses another 1/4 rubbing you down. That bottle of Aloe will get you two bottles of massage oil. Good for your skin AND your state of mind.

Gotta say, this changed my entire view on my manscaping. Its worth looking into Magic Shave Cream. I use it once a week and it keeps everything looking good, add a dusting of baby powder and everything is smooth as silk. I should probably go for twice a week to keep any stubble down, but for now I'm happy with once.

Funny thing is my wife doesn't care, she just liked everything to be trimmed. But damn, it's nice to keep it cleaned up.

Here's my list of standard recommendations:

Yellow Silk, a compilation of stories from a now-defunct erotica magazine.

Delta of Venus, stories by Anaïs Nin. (The story goes that she and Henry Miller and some of their friends were paid by the page to write erotic stories for a private collector.)

The nice thing about the two collections above (and short story collections in general) is that there are a variety of topics. It's a good way to figure out what your wife might like.

And I second the recommendation for the Sleeping Beauty series—these might be too kinky for your wife, though. Not vanilla at all, by any stretch of the imagination.

We use this for our night stand drawer:

Baby Proofing Magnetic Cabinet Lock

​

It keeps toy drawer securely locked and we store magnetic key at the back of the headboard for easy access.

We got it when we started child proofing our kitchen drawers many years ago and then we had a-ha moment. :-)

Before that we used ToiBox which has secret compartment and can be also unlocked with magnetic key.

Unfortunatelly this box is not available anymore as far as I know.

Amazon link with some better pictures:

https://www.amazon.com/Original-ToiBocks-Jewelry-Box-Valet/dp/B002WTCKFK

Similar product from the same company:

The ToiTissue

https://www.amazon.com/Kegel-Balls-Beginners-Tightening-Instructions/dp/B07C247112

​

actually work

it is a muscle thing, not just at the entrance, and yes it can be trained and developed just like any other muscle group

you sound like you are in good shape so these should tighten you beyond where you want to be within two months in my opinion

What do women think about sexy boxer briefs that are clearly intended to show off the goods? Like mesh boxers or boxer briefs with a pouch?

Examples:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B01CLEXGYY/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1468725784&sr=8-2&pi=SY200_QL40&keywords=sexy+boxer+briefs+for+men&dpPl=1&dpID=51c7u7k--gL&ref=plSrch

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B01CLEXGYY/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1468725784&sr=8-2&pi=SY200_QL40&keywords=sexy+boxer+briefs+for+men&dpPl=1&dpID=51c7u7k--gL&ref=plSrch

https://www.amazon.com/Magic-Wand-Massager-Essentials-Controller/dp/B0089175GE/

Make sure you get a real one and not a knockoff, there is a noticable difference.

Screw the Roses, Send Me The Thorns is an S+ tier book to introductory kink