(Part 2) Best products from r/survivinginfidelity

> I am also coming to an acute awareness that deep down, they will never fade away entirely.

Don't allow yourself to believe this. This does not have to be true. You deserve a life free of hurt over the careless actions of someone else. Her betrayal can one day be a simple memory of an unfortunate incident that happened that has no emotional or psychological impact. Right now the experience is a cornerstone but one day it can be just another brick in the wall of your life experiences leaving you free to live and love freely and without fear of the impact on your new relationship. As you noted, you're only a year out so don't be too hard on yourself, this journey is a marathon not a sprint...

 

If you're a reader check out The Five Things We Cannot Change: And the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them by David Richo. Although not specifically written for betrayed spouses it applies profoundly. If you have an audible account I'll gladly gift it to you (or anyone that reads this, just be aware that you can only be gifted one book per account IIRC). Just pm me if you do. It was a game changer for me.

 


Good Luck

Other people gave good advice re therapy for all. But some important points:

-Ex needs to understand this is your home. You need ground rules. She's a welcome guest until she can get back on her feet. For example, one of your rules to stay might be therapy. Maker a written list (even where she needs to park her car) and have a sit down ASAP.

-Great book idea might be "Boundaries" as it teaches you how to nicely draw the lines to protect yourself. And you need to stay safe in order to help. So read it so you can help them more.

-While you can forgive her & I hope you do, that does not mean you need fully trust her. They are not the same.

You can do this friend.

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I’m still in a relationship with an alcoholic where there has been multiple affairs (though also on his side), so I can relate.

The reality is, until you have addressed you alcoholism, come to the root of why you drink, AND can communicate that to your partner, there’s going to be distance. At this point your words mean nothing, they are empty promises, she’s probably heard a version of it before. You can’t trust an alcoholic. Period. That doesn’t mean there isn’t hope, it means that your actions matter much more than your words and you need to be consistent and predictable.

The infidelity sucks, and I totally get where she’s coming from. She was upfront with you about it. I’ve told my partner that I felt like I needed to talk other men because I was so desperate to be wanted, feel loved, and to connect with someone who is sober. I think the overlap of the month came from a place of not trusting you and trying not to get sucked into “Hopium.”

You want to believe that the person you love will do anything to save your relationship, that they can change and be the spouse you want and need them to be. It’s intoxicating and can keep you trapped for years. It’s so hard to walk away from a person with this “disease.”

In a lot of ways, I feel like I can’t be the person to give up and walk away, because “what if...” There have been many days I wish he would let me go. We even talked about separating for 6months while he sought treatment, but children and life circumstances were challenging. Ultimately, I also think he was afraid to be alone without me as a safety net, alcoholics, whether intentional or not, I don’t know, are really good at keeping their partners on the merry-go-round.

So, for you. Why are you with her? Can you make up for the years of pain and hurt you’ve put your wife through? Are you confident that you will not continue hurting her? Can you forgive her for being weak and making a bad choice and continuing to seek comfort outside your relationship?

If not, do everyone a favor and walk away. It will be hard, but you will be able to decide if you want to seek treatment for yourself or not. She will have the opportunity to love someone who has the capacity to engage in a relationship with her. It will suck initially, but I hear it gets better.

A fascinating read for anyone about alcohol and our relationship with it is This Naked Mind

I wish I had more of a solution other than saying see a counselor. Counseling can take a while and get expensive, and actually does take a fair bit of effort if you are looking for results, as I have found I have to spend a few hours per week between sessions reflecting on things.

Besides counseling, I have found some books to be most helpful in creating the right framework for a (hopefully) successful relationship in the future. Check out Way of the Superior Man and No More Mr. Nice Guy. From these books I have learned how to set healthy boundaries and maintain an independent life of my own before getting into another relationship.

Nope. No female friends. Only professional relationships. He has to prove to you that you are the only woman in his life to win you back.

From a Jewish and Christian perspective, Biblically it was supposed to be that the man and wife were one. I like this book that finally explained to my husband that he has to have no contact with other women other than professional. He cannot help but be flirty, giving women the impression that he's available. He loves the attention and ego kibbles. And he obviously can't handle gaming with women either. He can stop himself from temptation. Sure he acts like a priest when it comes to our sexual relations (meaning he doesn't offer it hardly and if I ask, he denies so I gave up asking). But he's lying to himself if he think he has any self-control. (My favorite- "I was just being nice and friendly.")

Here's the book:
Emotional Infidelity: How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and 10 Other Secrets to a Great Relationship https://www.amazon.com/dp/0609810006/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_Z34lyb5SX8K82

Read this book and This book together

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The fact that he is resisting giving her up and they are still sharing time with each other even though it is causing you pain is concerning. How would he feel if the situations were reversed? What would his reaction be? Does he share or is he willing to share every single communication between the two of them with you? Like your SO, I'm positive mine never ventured into a PA, but he was on his way to an EA. Yours is in EA territory, too. Mine offered to cut contact but that wasn't practical given our social circle. Instead, he shows me every text & tells me about every call from her. I haven't told him I verify it against our phone records. Yes, he could be using messaging apps & social media for the contact, no I don't snoop on his phone or computer, but I honestly don't think she is the type to knowingly sneak like that. The communication they used to have was on the upswing, and he deleted the texts before I asked to see them (which is why I believe it was an EA for him and not a friendship) & is now any texts are few and far between and calls are nearly non-existent. SO & I worked on our communication and time spent together and things have improved for us.

Honestly, he sounds like a dreadful person. I know it hurts a lot now, and I wish as well there were something that could help speed it up. But it's all part of the process to get you to the new, better place you're going. And you'll get there!

Also, I have not read this nor am I affiliated with it, but I hear positive things: http://www.amazon.com/Its-Called-Breakup-Because-Broken/dp/0767921968

Hugs!

Sorry man. You could kind of see the writing on the wall when she refused to give you access to her phone, social media accounts, etc. It simply implies that she has more to hide.

I learned in the last few months that when you feel something is up, chances are high something is up. I had no one else to trust and the trust I had in her is shattered into pieces. The only thing I could hang on to is my gut feeling. You have to trust yourself -- never ever let others telling you otherwise.

Given what you know though, it is clearly the marriage is at the crossroad: 1) reconcile 2) go separate way. True remorseful is absolutely needed for reconciliation otherwise you two are wasting each other's time and what's worse is giving false hope. Trust me, that is the worse. Listen to yourself -- as long as you have a safe space (i.e. she is not currently seeing OM), you could take your time to think through it.

This is one of the books I read and I find it helps a lot:
https://www.amazon.ca/Love-Must-Be-Tough-Marriages/dp/141431745X

It is already too late for me though. Whatever my STBXW did to me cause a big scar in my heart. The hurtful part is not so much of the actual affair, it is how she fed me with trickled truth and continuous lies. It was a tough 3-4 months. I will do whatever it takes to avoid risking into the same situation. I am out. But I hope it may help you.

Hi there, I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. Can I go out on a limb and recommend a technique that will solve a multitude of issues going on here. Best of luck https://www.amazon.com/ENCHANTING-ME-Romantic-Emotional-Intelligence-ebook/dp/B07SKGB3WZ/

These are the books on my Kindle. I believe I read most of them - some I remember more than others so I may have started them but not finished.

https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B014G6WNIA/ref=kinw_myk_ro_title - This one was great. It told a lot about how he was feeling in the affair and why it was so hard for him to give it up.

https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B001E2NXBQ/ref=kinw_myk_ro_title - I loved this one.

https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B00G1IYIQM/ref=kinw_myk_ro_title - This books helped me with my relationship with my son but it also helped me understand my husband's relationship with his mother and how he was raised. She was overprotective and because of that they never had a great relationship.

https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B01EVXI51W/ref=kinw_myk_ro_title

https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B00QOE1DAW/ref=kinw_myk_ro_title

https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B00APGI85I/ref=kinw_myk_ro_title

In a significant majority of situations I’ve seen since I began studying infidelity after dday, BS and WS perceive and react to the world around them in different ways.

It gets down to adult attachment theory, the way we react when we feel threatened in abandoned in our primary love relationship. Read “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment” for more.

Attached

Basically (and I am speaking in very broad terms), WS tend to withdraw from conflict while BS tend to confront it.

While many WS do have significant emotional barriers that they need to address in order to understand why they did it, its not necessarily that they are emotionally immature (although many certainly are), it’s more that their past taught them how to deal with the world differently.

I’m not sure if any of this resonates for you, because there are absolutely cases where none of this applies. If it does though, I encourage you to read “attached” and “Hold Me Tight” by Sue Johnson to get a better understanding.

Cheers,

Love, Sex and Staying Warm: Creating a Vital Relationship https://www.amazon.com/dp/0996985808/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_u00kzbYW1XEY8

How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful

NOT "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity

And a personal favorite:

Meditations