Reddit mentions of Entre monts et merveilles: Comment reconnaître et surmonter l’accumulation compulsive (French Edition)

Welcome to the sub.

If you haven't already, please take a look at this post:

"I Have A Hoarder In My Life--Help Me!" Your Hoarding Quick-Start Kit

It summarizes the research we've done on this sub to some basic steps. Hoarding is a complex disorder that is quite difficult to treat, so it's vital to educate yourself on it.

Now:

>I feel I cannot reason and use logic with him.

So the first thing you have to understand is that hoarding is a mental disorder. That means that--among other things--your boyfriend is not capable of being rational about his possessions. Which further means that you can't use logic and reason to talk him into cleaning up, because his hoarding doesn't arrive from logical and reasonable sources.

>I feel a lot of anxiety when I am in his apartment...I feel completely out of control. I feel that if I decide to have a family with him my life will be filled with anxiety. And we both suffer because of that: he because he wants to have many stuff and me because I want to have less...I feel he loves more his things than me. He knows that he has to reduce the amount of items if we expect to live together one day, but his progress is too slow.
>
>On the other hand, when he comes to visit me or we stay at a neutral place, everything goes well between us. I love him very much. I would like this relationship to work but I have no idea how to navigate this.

Please look at the words you've written, esp. the ones that I bolded. Then look at what I'm about to write next:

• Don't move in with this man. I know you love him, but you can still love him from your own home while he gets therapy.
  
• Don't move in with this man. You know that anxiety you feel when you're in his apartment? Now imagine it being even more intense, and feeling it 24/7, because he's hoarded the home you two share together. And he will hoard, because he's got an untreated mental disorder.
  
• Don't move in with this man. You said you want to start a family. Imagine raising kids in a home as hoarded as his apartment is now. Does it make you feel anxious to imagine that? It should, because of my next bullet point:
  
• Don't move in with this man. If left untreated, hoarding disorder is degenerative. By which I mean the hoarding behaviors become worse and worse over time. He will hoard more things, become even more resistant to your pleas, he may even escalate to fill the yard and other property you might own, to uncontrolled spending, even mental/physical abuse of you and your kids.
  
• Don't move in with this man until he agrees to therapy with a therapist who specializes in hoarding disorder. He needs to not just go to therapy but to commit to it. He needs to work hard to find out what is causing him to hoard. And he needs to commit to making real, lasting changes in his behaviors and the way he thinks about his possessions. If he refuses to do that...then you need to make some tough decisions about your future together.
  
  Because right now? You're correct when you say that he loves his things more than he loves you. He loves hoarding things the way an alcoholic loves alcohol, the way a coke head loves cocaine, the way any addict loves the thing he's addicted to.
  
  Your boyfriend loves you. He knows at some level that he needs to get sober in order for the two of you to have a healthy relationship. But until he commits to recovery, he will always choose getting his fix over you.
  
  The following books are mentioned in the links above, but I urge you to read:
  
  
• Stuff: Compulsive Hoarding and the Meaning of Things, by Skeketee and Frost. It's the best layman's introduction to compulsive hoarding that's out there right now, and can give you insight into how your loved one thinks.
  
• Digging Out: Helping Your Loved One Manage Clutter, Hoarding, and Compulsive Acquiring by Michael A. Tompkins. This book is written specifically for the spouse, family, and/or loved ones on how to deal with the hoarder in your life who won't accept that he's a hoarder. It gives you a bona-fide plan (not "tips"! A plan of action!) for communicating with your hoarder, identifying issues, working on your relationship with your hoarder, and in general coaxing your hoarder to a healthier way of doing things.
  
• I'm taking a shot in the dark here, but if French is your first language, there's a new book on Hoarding Disorder available in French: “Entre monts et merveilles: Comment reconnaître et surmonter l’accumulation compulsive” by Kieron O’Connor, Marie-Ève St-Pierre-Delorme, and Natalia Koszegi.