Reddit mentions of Shattered Vows: Hope and Healing for Women Who Have Been Sexually Betrayed

Hi there <3

I'm sure you read my story, and I must say that I can really relate to a good portion of what you're experiencing. It's an extremely dividing feeling inside yourself, trying to be a support for your loved one while also feeling destroyed inside... trying to set aside all your newly onset insecurities and doubts about yourself, in an attempt to be sexually appealing and appeasing to what he might want. But it all leads down a scary path and I think you described it really well with all your worries about how you look, speak, perform, how intellectual you are, how fun... I completely have felt all of this.


It is really worrisome how the content that he's looking at is worsening. I am no professional, but I'll give advice that my husband and I have done that has helped a lot.

1. First thing he did was install a content blocker. We went with NetNanny. Version 7 didn't work so well and I was about to scrap it, but they brought out version 10 and it works much much better. https://www.netnanny.com/
   This blocks all porn stuff, along with any other categories you choose, and will send immediate updates about what websites are being accessed to whoever the accountability partner is. Which brings me to point number 2.
   
2. After going through this in silence for almost 3.5 years, we finally reached out to a good friend of my husband's, who is a MALE. Very important. We let him know what we were going through, and since then he's been working with my husband as his accountability partner. For a couple of months, I still had access to all of the reports and such, and even though the degree of slip ups went down substantially with NetNanny (from PMO to the odd bikini picture), my reactions were getting more and more intense. I was angrier than ever, more devastated than ever even with minor slip ups, and I just continued to deteriorate in a way that no longer even correlated with how nasty the content was. Eventually, I unloaded full responsibility onto this friend of his. I have no access anymore to his NetNanny reports, I don't check his browser history, nothing. (This took a lot of steps for me to relinquish control as well). However, I am still in the loop and involved in his recovery process. We have biweekly updates about how's gone (any slip ups, and sometimes what degree) and then the other biweeks is a discussion where I give an update on how I've been doing, he does the same, and the friend does as well. We all have a group chat, and my husband reports to the friend nightly on how that day has gone, and the friend will message me only with any major concerns or any questions about the program function. The friend is primarily there for him, and the friend and I maintain a modest boundary between us. He will advise me when he's noticed my actions affecting my husband's state and vulnerability, and informs me on the process.
   
3. This book helped wonders. It's written from a Christian perspective, which isn't the faith that I follow, but it's very helpful principles nonetheless and I just interpret it to my understanding of God. https://www.amazon.com/Shattered-Vows-Healing-Sexually-Betrayed/dp/0310273943/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=shattered+vows&qid=1571874595&sr=8-1
   
   The main point here is: his recovery has to be his. Ultimately, it is HIS problem, and he has to be willing to change. If he isn't, then you can't do anything at all and it will consume you and waste your time. If he is, and if you're willing to stick that out with him through all of this, then that's incredible. It will be exhausting, breaking up will cross your mind (divorce has played on my mind throughout the days during the worst of it), and it will have consequences on you. Right now, I've taken a big step back and am doing a lot of work on myself, on healing, on allowing myself to be angry and experience the grief. But thankfully, literally over the last 3 weeks we've been doing immensely better each week than a month ago.
   
   
   Set up software, get a male accountability partner for him, and get yourself counselling and/or a female who you trust and can confide in, who understands that you want to work on the relationship and will help you on your end and not just bash him. You need someone too.
   
   I hope that helps a bit. May you find peace.