part 2/2

Relationships:

• You deserve to be in stable, happy, fulfilling relationships with your family, friends, partners, and coworkers. A large part of this is tied into self-esteem & what you think you deserve & what you're willing to accept, so a big part of it is figuring out where your line in the sand is. Everyone is free to do whatever they want, but there's a big difference between tolerating situations, getting by, and being content, versus actually being truly happy & having great, fulfilling relationships.
  
• It's important to realize that relationships aren't 50/50, they're 100%/100%. They are a tremendous amount of work, whether it's a romantic relationship with a partner or a familial relationship with a sibling or parent or a relationship with friends, and the road is often rocky, which is why you have to give a lot & deal with a lot during the course of all relationships. A lot of relationships die not because they're not good, but simply because of a lack of effort on both ends.
  
• A really good book is "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. The basic idea is that there are only a handful of ways people typically feel loved, and identifying your primary method of input can help you figure out what you want from a relationship, and also figure out how to make your partner feel loved. The five "languages" are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Do you remember the girl in high school who always needed flowers or chocolates or teddy bears to feel like she was in a loving relationship? That's not shallow, that's just her love language.
  
• If you don't know what does it for you & then if you're not getting what you like in your relationship, then you're not going to feel very fulfilled on a regular basis, and likewise, neither is your partner. So it's not just about drawing a line in the sand about what is & isn't acceptable in a relationship, but also about what you want to have in your life & what you need to give to others to help them feel loved.
  
• I really like the love-language concept because instead of just "I need to try harder in my relationships", it gives you a clear path forward, i.e. figure out what you want & figure out what those in your lives want & how best to give it to them on a regular basis. Like, my wife really likes the "time spent" one, so anytime I do something like plan a date, she loves it because that's simply how she feels loved, so my effort on that is a way to express my love for her in a way that actually makes her feel loved, rather than what I think will make her feel loved in my mind, but doesn't actually do it in reality, haha!
  
  Finances:
  
  
• The first thing to do is to pick a number, i.e. figure out how much you want to make every year, based on the cost-of-living in your area & the lifestyle you want to lead. You can literally pick this out thanks to sites like Indeed & Glassdoor, which provide realistic pricing tiers for intro, well-versed, and guru-level experience in different job categories. So the payscales aren't really a question mark anymore...you can literally figure out how much you want to make, research jobs that pay what you want & also match your interests, get training for them, and get to work!
  
• The second thing to do is to work out a personal financial system that manages your money for you. You will only accomplish what you set out to achieve & then work on persistently. You already have a solid principle saved up, but managing finances on a day to day basis successful always benefits from having a well-defined set of personal rules for handling things, which includes figuring out how much you want to make at your job & then getting educated in that field & pursuing jobs persistently until you get what you want, as well as having a solid financial system in place for how you deal with each aspect of your financial life - fixed expenses, variable expenses, debt management, retirement savings, living below your means, and so on.
  
• The first book I'd recommend is "Secrets of the Millionaire Mind" by T. Harv Eker, which is a little cheesy, but contains the critical component of changing your mindset about how you think, interface, and deal with money, which is the first place that people get goofed up - having a system comes later; learning how to mentally approach finances is a really huge first step that a lot of financial books miss, because they don't address the psychology behind why we do what we do & how we think.
  
• The second book I'd recommend is "The Millionaire Next Door: The Surprising Secrets of America's Wealthy Paperback" by Thomas J. Stanley & William D. Danko. This is a data-driven book, so it's not the most exciting read, but it illustrates a lot of actual, factual information & statistics about wealth management. I'd also recommend reading up on FIRE. Again, you only accomplish the things that you work on, so the more good stuff you can invite into your life through research, selection, and effort, the better your long-term results can be!
  
  Habits:
  
  
• "Atomic Habits" by James Clear is a really fantastic book about how habits operate. I'd highly recommend picking up the audiobook & listening to his story about how he got injured & used tiny habit changes to make huge impacts on his life. Lots of really fantastic concepts in this book!
  
• Just to throw an idea out, consider adopting a "personal productivity system" or "PPS", which is simply a set of methods for how to force yourself to do stuff you want to & have to do. Everyone has a PPS, and sometimes they're not so useful because you're stuck with no clear path forward in your life. Having a strong PPS enables you to solve problems & work on things effectively & efficiently. One of the tools I use in my own PPS is the "3P Approach" mentioned earlier, where I break things down into the premise, parts, and procedures required to accomplish what I have to or want to do, rather than just walking around confused with no idea how to really proceed & no idea what I really want, exactly.
  
  Anyway, don't get overwhelmed by all of this - this isn't all stuff you have to do overnight, instantly, in one big shot. It's like high school - you went there for years, chipped away on things, and eventually grew up & moved on. Improving your life isn't just reading a motivational poster or feeling happy for a day, it's a lifestyle change, and it's going to take some time.
  
  Just don't be afraid of the big amount of work that it looks like on the surface, because remember, we can only ever really do one thing at a time, so all of the stuff listed above was, for me, the result of decades worth of working on self-improvement to get better results & be happier in my life, because those were really big struggles for me for a long time! The good news is that it gets better, and your results are directly correlated to your decisions & your efforts, so simply by deciding that you want better & then chipping away on it, you'll start to do better & feel better over time!

I'm still learning myself. So I don't have all the answers. But I highly recommend Feeling Good by Dr Burns (http://amzn.to/2xdUvqJ). It's the No.1 best selling CBT book on depression.

It talks about dependence (love addiction) and approval addiction. Loneliness is something I've looked into a bit as well.

Love addiction

When you rely on love to be happy, you are not taking responsibility for your emotional life. The healthy mindset to have is that it would be nice to have someone love you, but it's not a need. You don't need a partner to achieve what you want and enjoy pleasurable activities.

You can love yourself through positive thinking (admiring your positive qualities everyday and how your a bit better today, accepting your flaws like a loved one would, taking good care of yourself, imagining people who have loved you in the past giving you warm feelings or even an imaginary compassionate being). Self soothing our inner child is an important skill for everyone to develop.

Changing dysfunctional attitudes like "I need love" involves a written exercise where you list the advantages and disadvantages of believing this and then re-write a healthier assumption. It's not wise to put your emotional health in something fickle. It's also unattractive to women if you're needy. It's like a downward spiral of loneliness.

I meet someone who was independent and happy, despite having no relationship experience in her late 20's and believing she would never marry. It gave me a role model to aspire to.

Also your self worth isn't based on being successful in love. Everyone has a self worth of 1 unit. It doesn't change no matter what. Even if you're unloved, you're just as worthy as someone else. Self worth is self worth. Relationship status is a different word to self worth. They're not the same thing. Your self worth is independent of looks, employment status, relationships status etc.

Aim to believe that you're a lovable, good, caring and competent person. Look for evidence that proves it, rather than character assassinating yourself and focusing on the negatives. Nobody is objectively good or bad. It's all opinion. Some people thought Charles Manson was good and worshiped him. So hold a good opinion of yourself because it's the helpful thing to do.

Close friendships

You don't need close friends to validate you as person. You decide how worthy you are. It's independent of how many close friends you have.

You're not entitled to close friendships. It's important to accept the universe owes you nothing and accept real life. In the modern world, most adults don't have that many close friends. And I think a lot of people rely on their partner.

I use my work colleagues as a source of friendship and sometimes organize once yearly socials with school mates through a whatapp group. I also never so no to a social invite. I use to be really closed off at work, because I thought people would reject me. But then I opened up and revealed my authentic weird self. Now I feel like I've built genuine friendships at work that I rely on for social support. Authenticity builds closeness. Focus on the other person in conversations. People love talking and it builds closeness when people feel you know them well and can support them.

Also spend time with family - take them out for dinner, phone calls etc. I appreciate the social support they've given me at times. Make the most out of what little social life you have and accept what people can give you. Rather than demand a level of closeness they can't deliver.

Solitary is nice too. It gives you space to recharge your batteries from work, grow and engage in hobbies.

Loneliness

Loneliness is natural. It's your body telling you that it wants social support and love. When it comes, be mindful of it and self soothe with kindness. Everyone experiences loneliness at some point in their life. It's a regular occurrence for me. You can't avoid suffering. It's a part of life. Make sure you take good of yourself when it comes. The only true solution to loneliness is friendship and love. As long as you are trying your best to get those things, there's nothing more you can do. Healthy distractions are a good thing during the day.

Life will get better. People will gravitate towards you, you may find love and you will become better at coping. You've just got to take every day as it comes and keep working on it.

Woah dude. First you need to step back and do some reassessment of things in your life. It's possible you have some sort of clinical depression and if so, go to the doctor and work on it. Whether it's just talking through things or some medicine-- there's no shame in getting better, or having been sad, in the past, because we're leaving this behind us.

First we have to assess what your perceived problems are. Nothing wrong with having problems, only in not solving those problems. Fat-- there's a diet for that. Weak-- there's a workout for that. Ugly-- well you can't change your facial symmetry much but you can work on your style and haircut, your grooming. Poor-- there's capitalism for that. Family life not great-- well, you can't change who they are but you can change how you interact with them, you can take note of issues and learn how to make things better for your family one day.

Now, onto this female quagmire we seem to be sinking in. I've been exactly where you are, it lasted for about the time from maybe 8th grade to about when I was in 10th or 11th over one girl. Guess what-- it wasn't worth feeling like shit all the time. She wasn't worth my feeling like shit. No one is. She's a fine person but I mean, she's married to some creepy band director with a soul patch who's 12 years older than her while I'm clearly awesome now.

You seem to be going about this backwards. First, love really needs to be a mutual understanding between two parties for it to be love. If you think it feels bad(again, I'm speaking from experience) wait till you have that mutual understanding and the other party severs ties. It sucks, it hurts, I was in severely depressed for about a year(different girl from one in school) and beat myself up all the time, lost weight, gained weight, looked and felt bad. She wasn't worth it, again, she's a fine person but now she's... wait-- I don't even know what she's doing now because she's not worth my time and I don't give a fuck anymore. It's called perspective and it comes with age and experience and stepping back from the situation and evaluating things from outside of your emotions. You can do it, all you have to do is try.

See, the thing about women is, and this may not be the best way to phrase it, but it's about respect with them. They want a man(I'm assuming you're a guy) who they respect and who others, friends and general public also respect. To get said respect you must first respect yourself. Not in a narcissistic sense, but a healthy self-esteem.

So take a step back and assess yourself and life. There's going to be some weak spots or things you're not happy with-- everyone has those-- but you're going to target the ones you can do something about and you're going to improve them.

There's going to be some really good qualities and aspects about your person as well. You're probably pretty intelligent-- congratulations. You have a skill or quality that a lot of other people don't-- congratulations. Relish in these things, they're what make you you. These are why you're not going to be depressed anymore. Sharpen and hone them into the weapons you use everyday to make life and the world your bitch. You are now a one man army out to conquer the world and the things in it you want to achieve.

So just forget about this girl for a little while and just focus on yourself, no one else will focus on you until you do. I know it seems weird but it's true. You think Obama or Teddy Roosevelt got elected feeling bad about themselves? Think Clooney goes home everyday and says "I'm attractive enough but Batman & Robin was terrible?" No, look at his list of romantic endeavors. That comes from sure, his looks, but because he believed in himself head out to Hollywood and casting rooms and work his way to the top. He had a goal and he worked towards it, he made it his bitch. He had confidence and believed in himself, then other believed in him and his abilities.

So, for the next month, and this won't be easy, forget about this girl. Stop wasting time on her. That's what every moment you spend thinking about her, but not acting on it is, wasted time. First of all, she may be breathtaking-- but guess what-- there's idk, a million other women on earth who are on par with her. They're out there whether you know it or not. So, she's probably a nice person-- but she's not the only one out there.

While you're not thinking about her this next month you're going to focus on yourself. You're going to asses your strengths and witnesses, what you genuinely like about yourself and what you would like to improve upon. Then you're going to physically write down a plan of action on how to sharpen all of these strengths and witnesses. Nothings going to just fall in your lap. It takes a concerted effort.

If you still want to think about it from the aspect of a breathtaking girl-- make a plan to become the man she deserves, the man who takes her breath away. A breath taking girl needs a strong, secure man right? You don't want people saying "Wow, how did he score her?" you want them looking and saying "That makes sense."

But don't focus one any one girl, just focus on the idea of the girl you want to be with. A companion worthy of your love and commitment. That's who you're doing this for, this yet unknown beauty-- but most of all you're doing this for yourself. You are all you really have in life right?

Try and think about it from a female perspective. What do you think is more attractive. A nice, sweet guy, who says "Look, I'm a nice person, and, I don't really deserve you, you're way out of my league, you're so pretty and I'm really not, but, I promise I'll love you and treat you right, if you just choose me." I've been this guy before. Or, do you think a girl would more likely choose a guy who said "I can have get any girl I want, just by the virtue of being a guy who works for what he wants, and out of all of these women I could date-- I'm choosing you"

What's funny is, and I know from personal experience this really happens. As soon as you start focusing on the things you want out of life. The person you are and want to become. You start doing the things to get you there and you stop worrying about getting one particular girl. Women will take notice of you. If you always pass this girl during the day at school or work and you kind of almost cower in her presence, blush, have a look on your face like "I'm not worthy" it's easy and no fun for her. Sure, it's flattering, but there's no thrill or chase in it for the girl. Instead walk by with your head high. Maybe you don't even notice her really because you're busy and got shit to do. This is much more interesting to a beautiful girl than someone just fawning over her. "Hmmm. He seems really driven. I wonder what he's working on. Did he notice me? I wonder if he thinks I'm pretty. This guy is definitely interesting, he just seemed like he knew his place in the world and where he's going. It might be fun to talk to him and see why he's so seems so sure"

The second one is what we're going for. It's a game man, just have fun. Make it fun for the girls. Don't give them everything right out of the box. Add some spark, some mystery. Keep her guessing if you like her, if you think she's pretty, be spontaneous "What is this crazy guy going to say next that makes he snort when I laugh"

A lot of people probably read your comment and rolled their eyes. Some because they can't relate, some because like me, they cringed because they knew the exact pain and inner turmoil you feel every day when this happens.

I wrote this whole thing, which I hope is cogent(I've been up for 23 hours) not because you deserve it. Not because I owe it to you because you're a nice guy. If you think like that you'll just keep getting ignored and run over. I wrote this because I was you. Life is just what you make it. You can focus on the shitty stuff or you can focus on achieving the things you want in life and becoming the kind of guy you respect in the world-- and have fun while doing it.

Read this. http://i.imgur.com/1cYyZ.jpg

Check out this book. http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339 It opened my eyes up to a lot of stuff and I've been passing it around to my friends as well. If you want you can PM me you're address and I'll mail you a copy, just because I'm an amazing person like that.

There's a lot of subreddit's which may help you out. There's /r/Fitness if you want to get in shape. There's subreddits for educating yourself on all sorts of topics and improving your life. As far as women go you can check out /r/seduction, I know it sounds a little brash if you've never heard of it. But really it's mainly about respecting yourself, fixing the way you see the world and becoming a guy that women are attracted too.

You don't have to be sad anymore man, trust me.

You sound like the me of about a year ago. There's a lot of things I recognize from your post. I also felt like I failed at life. I disliked my job, felt like everyone was passing me by, I had anxiety issues, I had a hard time connecting with people, especially women, couldn't get motivated to do even basic stuff and was always worrying about what other people thought about me.

Now, I feel good about myself, I'm starting a dream job in 2 months, I enjoy talking to people (and they to me) , I'm more productive than I ever was, and I'm dating a pretty cool woman. I'm only a few years older that you are, but I hope I can help you find your path to a better life.

The first thing you need to realize is you are not failing in life. You are 27 and have many years ahead of you. You can make those years into a wonderful adventure. It'll take some hard work, but guess what: everything worthwhile does. So, maybe you need some extra time to figure out how to proceed in life.

You need to be true to yourself, stop worrying about other people, and learn to love yourself for who you are. Easier said than done, to be sure, but it's possible. I'm going to say a lot thing about the kind of person I think you are (or see yourself as), some of them may be wrong, but try to see the bigger picture. If it helps, just imagine I'm talking about myself instead of you.

> And I know this is not a competition.

You say that, but everything else you write in those two paragraphs (career and future) screams the opposite.
You need to ask yourself: what do you want to do? What would you like to achieve. These aren't easy questions, but I'll come back to those later. For now, just know that whatever everybody else is doing is totally irrelevant to your happiness, or at least, it should be. You don't owe anybody anything. You don't have to prove yourself to anyone but you. There will always be people with better jobs, bigger brains and hotter girlfriends than you. That doesn't mean you are inferior, unless you define yourself by just those things.

So don't do that.

You seem like you derive most of your self-worth from external sources, meaning that if those external things (career, social status) take a turn for the worse, they affect your self images. You seem to need approval from other people to feel good about yourself, which causes you to act in ways you think others will approve of, instead of what you really want. You're measuring yourself against others, instead of against your own personal yardstick. You're hiding your personal needs and flaws because you're afraid other people will dislike, judge, or abandon you because of them. Right now the biggest thing standing in the way of your happiness is that deep down, you don't believe you deserve the life you want. You have a negative self-image and you're holding yourself back because of it. You have internalized these negative thought patterns for whatever reason, and you need to break out of them, because they are counter-productive.

You need to start believing that you are a person deserving of happiness, love and respect, despite your imperfections. You need to stop caring about other people's opinions and stand up for your own. You need to put your own needs and wants first, instead of catering to others.

You are responsible for your life and no one else's. That means both that you're the only one you need to answer to, and that you're the only one who can make you a happy person. That means figuring out who you want to be. Which, like I said, is not an easy question when you spent most of your life figuring out who "they" want you to be. But I assure you, it's worth it.

I apologize if I'm rambling (remember, I'm talking to myself as much as I'm talking to you), but this is where my life changed. And it's still changing: it's a work in progress and I will probably never be completely done.

I would recommend you read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert A. Glover. You can read the first few pages on Amazon; see if you recognize anything in it. (Or have a look at the web site.) If you do, torrent it, get it from Audible.com in one of their billion promotions or better yet, buy a physical copy (that always works best for me). If you can't afford it, PM me and I'll send you a copy on my expense. It goes into a lot more detail on the issues I've only vaguely outlined above. It seems to me you are a textbook "Nice Guy". (Which is, in fact, anything but nice.) Glover outlines the symptoms of the Nice Guy syndrome, why these behaviors are counter-productive, and how to change the underlying thought patterns step by step.

To stop being a "Nice Guy" is not to become an asshole, by the way. In fact, you'll probably become a better, more honest and genuine person because of it. One caveat: it has some material about masculinity and femininity, which some people find a bit misogynistic as they feel it paints women as the Bad Guy (or Girl, I guess) behind this phenomenon. I didn't see it that way. I don't think resentment towards women is justified based on this issue.

This book literally helped change my life. I was also lucky enough to have some great friends who believed in me even when I didn't. A support system in crucial for successfully turning your life around, because you need people you can trust, who can pick you up when things don't go as smoothly as you hope. A few good friends is enough. Maybe siblings if you have any. Let them know what you're trying to do, and I'm sure they're willing to help. If you don't know anyone who could, hit me up and I'll support where I can.

Some other books that have helped transform into a new person the past year were "The Charisma Myth" by Olivia Fox Cabane (helped with my social anxiety) and "The 7 habits of highly productive people" by Stephen Covey (helped with being an effective person and getting my priorities straight). These three share some common ground, as they all demand you reform your thought patterns in order to genuinely be yourself, before any real change can happen. I found they really complemented each other rather nicely for the particular rut I was in.

Some other tools that have helped me (that others have already mentioned as well) : exercise, meditation, keeping a journal, positive affirmations, talking to people I trust, hugs, playing music, asking for help when i needed it. Maybe these sound trivial, but I couldn't have done it without these factors.

I hope you read this far. If you have, let me know, even if you think I'm talking out my ass. I'd like to know what you think about it.

You can do it. You deserve to be happy. You have the power to change. You are an awesome person and it's time you show the world.

Well this seems like a good opportunity to post a few of the lessons I learned in my 20s.

To my former self:

If you're depressed, here's how to turn it around

• Stop drinking, this is the main cause.
  
  
• Lift weights. This alone could also stop depression. It's likely related to low testosterone levels
  
  
• Fapping too much makes the depression worse
  
  Fap less, and never to porn
  
  
• Ejaculating too often removed your motivation to take actions and start tasks. You can consider porn like a poison for the mind. Pleasurable but it desensitizes you to all other pleasures, making life seem bland and boring. Until the only thing you want is porn. It perpetuates itself.
  
  
  Gratitude
  
  
• Whatever you are grateful for will grow
  
  
• Gratitude is the only way to be happy. If you think about what happiness is, it's appreciating what you have. When you think of something that would make you happy, you are imagining yourself appreciating it when you get it.
  
  Wealth
  
  
• You can have anything you want, as long as you create enough value for others first.
  
  
• To be wealthy, don't try and do tomorrow's work today, just have a successful day each day. If you have more successful days than unsuccessful days, your wealth will grow. As you have successful and productive days, opportunities will be attracted to you.
  
  Theories
  
  
• The key to success in any area is having the right theory. A small amount of work, or a massive amount of work, with the wrong theory, won't lead to success.
  
  
• With the right theory, success will be relatively straight forward. When you do the thing, it will basically work every time. Anything that has been done many times before, can be done yourself with the correct theory
  
  
• When most people speak of the 'years of hard work' they put in before they 'cracked the game', usually means they were laboring under the wrong theory, and then one day they found the correct theory, and when they applied it, it worked. (excluding world class athletes, talking about common things like starting a business or growing muscles)
  
  
• Theories can be gathered by spending tens of thousands of dollars on seminars or tens of dollars on books. Both can contain theories that work and theories that don't work. Higher cost definitely does not mean they have the right theory
  
  
• Some theories can seem like they are guaranteed to work, but on testing, actually don't. When someone says they have the right theory, it will seem worth any price. Often they actually don't. Beware. If possible buy their book and test it for yourself, it's just as good in book form.
  
  
• This whole list is a list of theories, as you can see, they are usually quite simple and easy to understand. Complexity is usually a sign the person doesn't really know how things work
  
  
  Girls
  
  
• You cannot make a girl like you, you can however find a girl who likes you
  
  
• They key to getting girls is to get in excellent shape (lift weights), dress well, and talk to girls until you find one that likes you
  
  
• If a girl is unsure if she you likes you, won't go on a date with you, or doesn't let you touch her in anyway. She doesn't like you. Find one that wants all those things. Don't be fooled by girls who seem to REALLY like you but doesn't have time to meet, or won't let you touch her. They do not like you like that.
  
  
• Hot girls are just as likely to like you as not hot girls
  
  
• If you like a girl more than she likes you, and she doesn't want to meet up/hang out/have sex. Let her go and move on
  
  
  Career
  
  
• It's very easy to get ahead if you just try, most people don’t
  
  
• You career will naturally progress just through normal learning, don't worry about it
  
  
  Flow
  
  
• If you want things to happen without effort and struggle, live a life with gratitude and presence. Things will seem to happen easily and naturally.
  
  
  Meditation
  
  
• Mediation gives you the ability to be your best. Very handy for improving at anything, particularly gaming, as you see more and learn more. It gives you access to creativity in solving problems and improving your performance
  
  
• Mediation allows you to 'stop the mind'. Do this if you're stuck in over-analysis
  
  
• To meditate, set a time on your phone for 20 minutes, sit still and don't move a muscle, and focus on your breath as often as you can. Your mind will try to stray, just focus on your breath as much as able. This is how you quiet the mind
  
  *****
  Edit:
  
  To answer some requests, here's my list of resources.
  
  Wealth/Metaphysics
  
  
• http://www.audible.com.au/pd/Health-Personal-Development/The-Science-of-Getting-Rich-Audiobook/B00FMUQVSI
  This audiobook has the best summary I've found of how wealth works
  
  Lifting
  
  
• https://stronglifts.com/5x5/
  
  
• https://www.amazon.com/Starting-Strength-Basic-Barbell-Training/dp/0982522738
  
  
• http://startingstrength.com/
  
  
• http://www.leangains.com/2011/09/fuckarounditis.html
  
  How Procrastination works:
  
  
• https://waitbutwhy.com/2013/10/why-procrastinators-procrastinate.html
  
  
• https://waitbutwhy.com/2013/11/how-to-beat-procrastination.html
  
  How Business works
  
  
• https://www.amazon.com/Personal-MBA-Master-Art-Business/dp/1591845572
  
  What innovation actually is and how to do it:
  
  
• https://www.amazon.com/Innovation-Entrepreneurship-Peter-F-Drucker/dp/0060851139
  
  How economics works:
  
  
• https://www.amazon.com/How-Economy-Grows-Why-Crashes/dp/047052670X
  
  How to get things done:
  
  
• https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Things-Done-Stress-Free-Productivity/dp/0142000280
  
  Task Management tool:
  
  
• https://todoist.com/
  
  Spiritual Books
  
  
• Spiritual books won't make sense unless you've had an awakening, and you can't make this happen, it happens by chance/grace. If you have, anything by Eckhart Tolle will be amazing.
  
  How to be a man:
  
  
• https://www.amazon.com/Way-Superior-Man-Spiritual-Challenges/dp/1591792576
  
  
• https://www.amazon.com/Blue-Truth-Spiritual-Guide-Death/dp/1591792592
  
  Audiobooks (most of these can be found on audiobook):
  
  
• Audible.com
  
  Frame Control (Anytime you feel like you're trying too hard or begging for something, you lost the frame)
  
  
• https://www.amazon.com/Pitch-Anything-Innovative-Presenting-Persuading/dp/1501211811
  
  This is my favourite book of all. They talk about the new type of conscousness which is really really interesting to me. May not apply to all people.
  If anyone find this book interesting I'd love to talk about it:
  
  How the world works:
  
  
• https://www.amazon.com/Spiral-Dynamics-Mastering-Values-Leadership/dp/1405133562
  
  
• https://www.audible.com.au/pd/Spiral-Dynamics-Integral-Audiobook/B00FO5660E
  
  

I hope I am not too late.

You can post this to /r/suicidewatch.

Here is my half-baked attempt at providing you with some answers.

First of all let's see, what is the problem? Money and women. This sounds rather stereotypical but it became a stereotype because a lot of people had this kind of problems. So if you are bad at money and at women, join the club, everybody sucks at this.

Now, there are a few strategies of coping with this. I can tell you what worked for me and perhaps that will help you too.

I guess if there is only one thing that I would change in your attitude that would improve anything is learning the fact that "there is more where that came from". This is really important in girl problems and in money problems.

When you are speaking with a girl, I noticed that early on, men tend to start being very submissive and immature in a way. They start to offer her all the decision power because they are afraid not to lose her. This is a somehow normal response but it affects the relationship negatively. She sees you as lacking power and confidence and she shall grow cold. So here lies the strange balance between good and bad: you have to be powerful but also warm and magnanimous. You can only do this by experimenting without fearing the results of your actions. Even if the worst comes to happen, and she breaks up with you .... you'll always get a better option. There are 3.5 billion ladies on the planet. The statistics are skewed in your favor.

Now for the money issue. Again, there is more where that came from. The money, are a relatively recent invention. Our society is built upon them but we survived for 3 million years without them. The thing you need to learn is that your survival isn't directly related to money. You can always get food, shelter and a lot of other stuff for free. You won't live the good life, but you won't die. So why the anxiety then?

Question: It seems to me you are talking out of your ass. How do I put into practice this in order to get a girlfriend?

Answer: Talk to people. Male and female. Make the following your goals:
Talk to 1 girl each day for one month.
Meet a few friends each 3 days.
Make a new friend each two weeks.
Post your romantic encounters in /r/seduction.
This activities will add up after some time and you will have enough social skill to attract a female. You will understand what your female friend is thinking. Don't feel too bad if it doesn't work out.

Question: The above doesn't give a lot of practical advice on getting money. I want more of that. How do I get it?

Answer: To give you money people need to care about you. People only care about you when you care about them. This is why you need to do the following:
Start solving hard problems.
Start helping people.
Problems aren't only school problems. They refer to anything: start learning a new difficult subject (for example start learning physics or start playing an instrument or start writing a novel). Take up a really difficult project that is just above the verge of what you think you are able to do. Helping people is something more difficult and personal. You can work for charity, help your family members around the house and other similar.

Question: I don't understand. I have problems and you are asking me to work for charity, donate money? How can giving money solve anything?

Answer: If you don't give, how can you receive? Helping others is instilling a sense of purpose in a very strange way. You become superior to others by helping them in a dispassionate way.

Question: I feel like I am going to cry, you are making fun of me!
Answer: Not entirely untrue. But this is not the problem. The problem is that you are taking yourself too serious. We all are, and I have similar problems. The true mark of a person of genius is to laugh at himself. Cultivate your sense of humor in any manner you can.

Question: What does it matter then if I choose to kill myself?

Answer: There is this really good anecdote about Thales of Miletus (search wiki). He was preaching that there is no difference between life and death. His friends asked him: If there is no difference, why don't you kill yourself. At this, he instantly answered: I don't kill myself because there is no difference.

Question: Even if I would like to change and do the things you want me to do, human nature is faulty. It is certain that I would have relapses. How do I snap out of it?

Answer: There are five habits that you should instill that will keep bad emotions away. Either of this habits has its own benefits and drawbacks:

1. Mental contemplation. This has various forms, but two are the best well know: prayer and meditation. At the beginning stage they are quite different, but later they begin to be the same. You will become aware that there are things greater than you are. This will take some of the pressure off of your shoulders.
   
2. Physical exercise. Build up your physical strength and you will build up your mental strength.
   
3. Meet with friends. If you don't have friends, find them.
   
4. Work. This wil give you a sense of purpose. Help somebody else. This is what I am doing here. We are all together on this journey. Even though we can't be nice with everyone, we need to at least do our best in this direction.
   
5. Entertainment. Read a book. Play a game. Watch a movie. Sometimes our brain needs a break. If not, it will take a break anyway and it will not be a pretty one. Without regular breaks, procrastination will occur.
   
   Question: Your post seems somewhat interesting but more in an intriguing kind of way. I would like to know more.
   
   Answer: There are a few good books on these subjects. I don't expect you to read all of them, but consider them at least.
   
   For general mental change over I recommend this:
   http://www.amazon.com/Learned-Optimism-Change-Your-Mind/dp/1400078393/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1324795853&sr=8-1
   
   http://www.amazon.com/Generous-Man-Helping-Others-Sexiest/dp/1560257288
   
   For girl issues I recommend the following book. This will open up a whole bag of worms and you will have an entire literature to pick from. This is not going to be easy. Remember though, difficult is good for you.
   http://www.amazon.com/GAME-UNDERCOVER-SOCIETY-PICK-UP-ARTISTS/dp/1841957518/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1324795664&sr=8-1 (lately it is popular to dish this book for a number of reasons. Read it and decide for yourself. There is a lot of truth in it)
   
   Regarding money problem, the first thing is to learn to solve problems. The following is the best in my opinion
   http://www.amazon.com/How-Solve-Mathematical-Princeton-Science/dp/069111966X
   The second thing about money is to understand why our culture seems wrong and you don't seem to have enough. This will make you a bit more comfortable when you don't have money.
   http://www.amazon.com/Story-B-Daniel-Quinn/dp/0553379011/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1324795746&sr=8-3 (this one has a prequel called Ishmael. which people usually like better. This one is more to my liking.)
   
   For mental contemplation there are two recommendations:
   http://www.urbandharma.org/udharma4/mpe.html . This one is for meditation purposes.
   http://www.amazon.com/Way-Pilgrim-Continues-His/dp/0060630175 . This one is if you want to learn how to pray. I am an orthodox Christian and this is what worked for me. I cannot recommend things I didn't try.
   
   For exercising I found bodyweight exercising to be one of the best for me. I will recommend only from this area. Of course, you can take up weights or whatever.
   http://www.amazon.com/Convict-Conditioning-Weakness-Survival-Strength/dp/0938045768/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1324795875&sr=8-1 (this is what I use and I am rather happy with it. A lot of people recommend this one instead: http://www.rosstraining.com/nevergymless.html )
   
   Regarding friends, the following is the best bang for your bucks:
   http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/1439167346/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1324796461&sr=8-1 (again, lots of criticism, but lots of praise too)
   
   The rest of the points are addressed in the above books. I haven't given any book on financial advices. Once you know how to solve problems and use google and try to help people money will start coming, don't worry.
   
   I hope this post helps you, even though it is a bit long and cynical.
   
   Merry Christmas!

Not sure if this will help, but a bit about my life:

I was a late bloomer, when I was in 8th grade I looked like I was in 5th and this trend continued until I was around age 21 when a job doing physical labor helped to spark some testosterone in me and build a few muscles (not many, but my bicep was no longer as thin as my wrist).

All through the last half of jr. High and high school I thought to myself, "I'm sort of a geek, I want the girls, cool guys get girls, what would a cool guy be doing?". Cool guys played guitar, so I started playing. Cool guys ride motorcycles, so I started riding. Cool guys throw knives, so I learned to throw knives. Cool guys can fight, I took up a variety of martial arts. By the time I was around 22-23 I had a bunch of skills that your generic action hero or movie protagonist might. I also took great pains to build skills in the social arts. Charm, like any other skill, can be learned (a great starter book on this is How to Win Friend's and Influence People). I feel like I achieved my cool guy status when I went to a party only knowing one person, and I left knowing every single person's name and at least a bit about them. The art of genuine conversation is probably the most important skill you can get. The trick is the 'genuine' part, people can spot fake interest a mile away.

Somewhere between my mid teens and my early 20's I became the cool guy I always wanted to be. The funny thing is I don't feel a whole lot different. Sure I have confidence, but confidence builds naturally through success, and the foundation of success is failure. If you can summon up the courage to put yourself out there I guarantee you will fail, but you will also succeed. Soon the failures will barely be a blip on the radar towards your successes. One of my favorite quotes is by Henry Emerson Fosdick who said,

"Happiness is not mostly pleasure; it is mostly victory."

I find that to be more true each day I live.

Now I'm in my mid 20's and being 'cool' or a 'man' means something else to me. To me a man is someone who sticks to his morals and ethics even when it is uncomfortable or even deadly. A man tries to improve himself as well as the souls around him, not only through example, but also through kindness and compassion. I can't say I'm the best at this, but I do make a conscience effort every day. Some books I would recommend on your journey (I used to be a self help nut!).

How to Win Friends and Influence People - Dale Carnegie
http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/1439167346/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1278824794&sr=1-1

The Hagakure - Yamamota Tsunetomo
http://www.amazon.com/Hagakure-Book-Samurai-Yamamoto-Tsunetomo/dp/4770029160/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1278824735&sr=8-2

The Emperor's Handbook / Meditations - Marcus Aurelius
http://www.amazon.com/Emperors-Handbook-New-Translation-Meditations/dp/0743233832/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1278824862&sr=1-1

Zen Mind, Beginners Mind - Shunryu Suzuki (this one doesn't really pertain to being a man, but I find meditation to be particularly helpful in being mindful and focused during daily life).
http://www.amazon.com/Zen-Mind-Beginners-Shambhala-Library/dp/1590302672/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1278824911&sr=1-1


I think the most important thing to remember is that becoming the person you want to be is a gradual process that takes time. Something almost as important to realize is that all those people you think have it all together (be they some popular jock or long dead philosophers), struggle with the same sort of things you do. We all want to live up to our potential, we all want to make as few mistakes as possible, we all worry about what others think of us to some degree. Keep living life and don't give up, you can be as awesome as you want to be, just takes a little thought and some active choices.

Cheers!

I was hoping this would get more of a response from some more knowledgeable/well-read users, but I'll try to offer some suggestions. I'm only engaged now, never married, and I've loved reading books with my fiance to help support our spiritual life. The ones that we've read have mostly centered over Theology of the Body and understanding Catholic teachings around dating and sexuality - so I don't think these are exactly what you are looking for. (Edward Sri's "Men, Women, and the Mystery of Love" was one of my favorites that condensed JPII's book "Love and Responsibility" - it's an easy read and may be worth checking out - https://www.amazon.com/Men-Women-Mystery-Love-Responsibility/dp/0867168404 )


I feel like you are more looking for books on how to communicate, and I have two very basic suggestions for that (I apologize if you've heard of these or read them before!).

1.) The Temperament God Gave You (https://www.amazon.com/Temperament-God-Gave-You-Yourself/dp/1933184027/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1501357551&sr=1-1&keywords=the+temperament+god+gave+you)

I brought up the temperaments with my fiance probably within the first month of dating. This book has the goofiest cover and it's a very simple read - but it is incredibly helpful in understanding one's natural tendencies, both strengths and weaknesses. The idea is that we all have a natural tendency to one of four temperaments and this will affect how we interact with others. Once you've determined your natural temperament, there is advice on how couples of certain combinations should best communicate. I know it sounds super pseudo-sciencey and Meyers-Briggs-esque, but I can say that is big in a lot of Catholic communities and it is so so helpful. If you don't want to buy the book this website has a lot of the core information as well: https://www.catholicmatch.com/institute/temperaments/

2.) The Five Love Languages (https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1501358158&sr=1-1&keywords=the+five+love+language)

This one is also very popular and another goofy looking cover, but again really helpful in facilitating communication. The idea is that we all experience love in different ways (Quality Time, Gift Giving, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, and Words of Affirmation) and the love that we naturally give may not be the kind of love that your partner naturally wants to receive.

For both of these suggestions, I wouldn't recommend just reading cover to cover. You really can just skim through them or find resources online to get the gist and then just facilitate conversation. (I also second the Gottman Institute resources below!)


Then, on a more personal note for you, I would recommend reading "Kristin Lavransdatter" by Sigrid Undset. More information here: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/6217.Kristin_Lavransdatter

Use the new translation by Tiina Nunally, it seems like an off-the-wall suggestion because it's set in 14th century Norway, but Kristin gets swept up in a romance with an older man and marries him when she is very young. Then it follows her through their marriage and the difficulties they face. I'm only half way through (it's 900 pages long!!) but there are already so many scenes that have helped me personally, especially about how to deal with resentment. Here's a great podcast as an intro: https://player.fm/series/catholic-stuff-you-should-know/kristins-resentment


I did not mean for this to be so long! Hope it can help in any way :)

You are welcome...thanks for taking the time to read it and respond!

To put a little context to my perspective, my wife and I have been married for 9 years and together for 15. We had a rough patch that started about 6 years ago (in hindsight; at the time we didn't really see it) and progressively got worse until things came to a head about 18 months ago. We both committed some sins during that time (no cheating), but mostly our problem was a total breakdown in communication beyond the mundane day-to-day. We started counseling just over a year ago and basically started learning communication skills from scratch. It was totally remedial at first, but totally necessary, and it's improved everything in our relationship. We went from near divorce a year ago to happier, more stable, and more secure than we've ever been today. If you're really curious, I wrote a novella about it in response to this post, but that's the gist of it.

> I've watched a lot of sitcoms in my day, so I feel like I have a good grip on 90s Couple Dispute tactics such as using neutral terms like "I feel" and not putting the pressure on her.

That was one of the big ones I had to work on. I used to say things like, "You did XXX, that was wrong (or unfair or whatever)." Basically, I put a value judgement on it, and by extension I was judging her. In response, my wife would put up her defenses.

> I don't know how to stop her from beating herself up, and whether she's right or not it broke my heart when she said that she thinks the problem is all on her side

I don't know, either. My wife does that to some extent. Some of it was due to the way I was communicating (we joke now that I used to communicate at her) and some of it is just how she's wired, I guess. Talking through our issues over the past year and realizing that there are no problems that are 100% on one of us has helped a lot. Still, I wish there were some magic words I could say that would take it away.

> ...she pretty much shuts down and doesn't want to talk about it anymore. It's her way of dealing...

Try to recognize that for what it is: her defense mechanism. She feels threatened and afraid and doesn't know what to do, so she shuts down. She's not dealing with it, though, she's doing the opposite. It sucks, and it's not exactly fair to you, but it is what it is. My wife is very similar, only instead of "I don't want to talk about it" she would shut down and then tell me what she thought I wanted to hear to make the discussion go away. I'd leave it thinking we'd reached some sort of consensus, while she wouldn't be able to say what it was an hour later. That obviously didn't work out well for us ;)

The way I approach it now is to avoid setting off my wife's defenses in the first place. In the movie "Snatch", there's the scene where the two guys try to rob the bookie. The cashier is totally calm, then she pushes a button and suddenly the bulletproof barrier drops and they're walled off. That's exactly how my wife is. If her defenses get triggered, that's it, we're done. We take a break and come back to it in a few minutes if we can. Otherwise, it waits until later and I try to voice my concern from a different angle. That doesn't happen too much anymore now that I've gotten a lot better at replacing "you did" with "I feel".

> "I wish we could communicate like x" or "i want you to be able to y" or things like that. It could be harmless but I am concerned about how much I pressure her with how I want her to act.

It could be harmless, or she could be hearing, "You're worthless" when you say something like that. Never underestimate the ability of someone to hear what they think they're supposed to rather than what you're actually saying.

My wife and I have always had a decent sex life, but we've never really been able to communicate openly. I used to say something like, "I wish we could talk openly about sex." I never put it on her, but I never got anywhere either. Maybe the word "wish" turned her off because she saw herself as the bigger roadblock and she instead heard, "I wish you were different." I don't know.

Last week, though, I asked her to have a conversation. I identified the issue (We are not able to talk about sex openly), and expressed my desire to work together on it. I suggested that since our new communication framework worked so well to work through our conflicts, then maybe it would work to communicate about other uncomfortable topics and asked her to try it with me. She enthusiastically agreed to try. I made it all about us and framed it as something we would work on together and the result was progress instead of the defensiveness that always happened in the past. Maybe a similar approach could work for some of the things you would like to change?

> Unless an argument is actively happening I don't really know how to bring this stuff up.

Schedule it. Ask her to join you in a conversation at a defined point, and bring it up then. If you bring it up in an argument, you risk emotions clouding your judgement. Looking back, I don't think my wife and I have ever had a meaningful conversation born out of an argument. If you bring it up without warning, you risk blind-siding her and making her extra defensive. If you schedule it, though, you give her a chance to get over her initial nervousness and you give yourself an opportunity to gather your thoughts. She'll probably be apprehensive at the start (especially if it's a topic you've discussed before), but you still have the advantage of being able to anticipate it and trying to put her at ease from the start.

> I think I'm the jealous type and I definitely have some narcissism in me (I spend a lot of time on raisedbynarcissists), but I shouldn't be jealous of her goddamned cell phone.

I don't think that's narcissism. I think you just crave quality time, so you behave in that way towards her and feel neglected when she does not behave that way towards you.

I can't recommend the book The Five Love Languages strongly enough. The first thing my wife and I did when we were trying to turn things around was read it. I don't know that it saved our marriage, but it certainly helped us to find enough good in it that it was worth the hard work needed to save it. Every last word in that book is common fucking sense, but for some reason we needed it pointed out to us. Everyone I know who's read it feels the same way. It's a book that I honestly think everyone needs to read.

The gist is that there are five "love languages" we all use to express and feel love: Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Acts of Service, Gift Giving, and Quality Time. We're all wired to "speak" one or two of them as our main language. It's how we show love, and how we perceive love that is directed towards us. Couples rarely match up perfectly, though. One partner may show love (e.g. by sitting close and paying attention while the other plays a game) that the other misses entirely if she doesn't speak that language. At the same time, she doesn't show love that way, so he feels slighted and unappreciated.

I know I felt unloved before I read that book. So did my wife. Afterwards, though, I realized that she was showing me love in her ways all the time, I was just missing it. And I realized that she was missing the ways I was showing her love. Just having that understanding was huge, and it was fairly easy then to adjust our behaviors a little and speak the love language that the other understood. Where before I felt nagged about taking out the trash, now I do it automatically because I know it'll put a smile on my wife's face.

Seriously, read the book. It's a fast, simple read that you can knock out in an evening, and I'm certain you'll take at least something useful from it.

Anyway, I've probably rambled enough for now...I'm happy to keep the conversation going if you'd like to, though I probably won't respond again tonight. In any case, good luck to you!

Here is something I typed up previously. The book I am writing will talk about most of this stuff. I'll be posting some articles I'm writing about communication here soon. For now, my old post. I endorse these books:

-------

So this is a bit of an area of expertise for me. I'm actually a writing a book about communication and it is kind of a skills book, but not as you might traditionally think of one. I can tell you more if you like, but don't want to bore you.

Here's the thing with skills books when it comes to communication...most are ok, some are even good, but most are essentially the same...they put together some combination of "do these things" and "do not do these other things" and market you a book that ultimately isn't going to help you a whole lot...at least not to communicate better in the aggregate. (How to Win Friends and Influence People is an example of this.) I call these any "Do these 10 things to communicate better" books. There is no magic list of skills that if you just learn these things, you'll communicate better. Communication doesn't work like that.

That said, there are a few decent enough communication "skills" books out there that are worth your time. It really depends on the type of communication skills you're looking for...for example, there are books out there entirely dedicated to how to give a good presentation (say, at work). There are books on conflict resolution. There are books on persuasion. All of these, which I don't think is what you're looking for only give you part of a very big puzzle. As far as more general communication books there are a couple you might consider:

(A note that most of these are not likely to be at your local library, but if you as your local friendly librarian how to they could get you one of these books, they can probably easily help you. Ask! Librarians are awesome! Also, most of these should be available on Amazon for not much money.)

1. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life
   Author: Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.
   A book with an overall good perspective. A little sappy and cloying at times, but in general the intentions are in the right place with this one. Could come off as a little bit squishily academic, but an ok read and a good perspective.
   
2. If I Understood You, Would I Have This Look on My Face?
   Author: Alan Alda
   
3. (From M*A*S*H, The West Wing, and much more)
   I'm actually reading this book right now and it is a funny take on Alda's life and work and he relates his stories through (and about communication). Alda is actually pretty smart about communication and comes at it differently than most anyone else on this list. Funny and witty, what you might expect from such a great actor and comedian. Definitely worth reading.
   
4. Simply Said: Communicating Better At Work and Beyond
   Author: Jay Sullivan
   More about work than other contexts but good advice overall. I only skimmed parts of this one so can't speak to every aspect, but appeared to be decent enough quality when I reviewed it.
   
5. The Art of Communicating
   Author: Thich Nhat Hanh
   Different from the others on the list, this one is written by a Buddhist monk who takes a more spiritual view of communication. It is a good philosophical approach. I found parts of this book enlightening. It is not scientific-ish enough for me and it makes no claims to be. It is a philosophy book on communication, but an easy, accessible read and worth your time.
   
6. Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High
   Author: Kerry Patterson
   A good enough book if you're looking to navigate conflicts/difficult conversational things at work or in relationships. Deals more with the challenging aspects of communication, but for what it is, good enough advice.
   
7. How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships
   Author: Liel Lowndes
   Similar to the book above, but more about making conversation with people. As far as these types of books go, this one is ok enough and actually has some good advice on things to try when attempting to communicate with others.
   
   Books like Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus, which comes up when you look for communication books should be avoided entirely. That book, and other books like it, are trash. You might as well get your advice from Cosmo.
   
   Sorry for the length here, but like I said, this is an area of expertise. I hope you found this helpful. I can answer questions about any of these books if you like.

This is very important and serious stuff.

The first question you need to answer is: "Do I want to live my life with a woman who doesn't love me?" You DESERVE to live your life with a woman who loves you, but whether you want that is up to you. I guess there are people who are happy to have a loveless marriage. If this is you, ignore the rest of my comment.

If you want to live your life with a woman who loves you, understand that this was part of the deal you accepted in marriage: to be loved in return. Right now you are not receiving your part of the deal, and that's not fair to you. She also deserves to live her life with a man she loves, and anything less isn't fair to her, either. If she can't ever give you that love, then the appropriate course of action is to end the marriage and find someone who CAN do that for each other.

But I hear that you want to work on it, and that's a great course of action. It's totally possible for you guys to change so that she can rediscover those feelings of affection.

My point is that this is a very serious situation. In the long run, this will end in unhappiness and probably divorce. Facing that kind of future, it's OK to take drastic action here. In fact, this is the time when you SHOULD be taking drastic action! People change jobs, move houses, and even move states to save their marriages. This is THAT kind of action time.

No matter what, I can promise you that just waiting to "see where things go" is going to end in unhappiness and divorce, if you have any self respect. Without effort and (usually) help, "where things go" is more of the same. And that's not fair to you, to her, OR to your child. This will take work, and she has to be willing to do that work with you.

The most important thing is that both of you want to work on this. It won't work if it's just you. So sit down with your wife and talk about it. Tell her that she deserves to be in a relationship with a man she loves, you deserve to be in a relationship with a woman who loves you, and your child deserves to grow up with an example of a healthy, loving relationship. You want that woman, that relationship, to be the two of you together. If you can get her to agree to work with you to try and rekindle the affection between you, then it's a green light to go ahead. If she refuses, then there's actually no hope here.

Assuming you get that green light, this is how you work on a relationship:

• get to a couples therapist. I hear that she doesn't want to, but if she wants to work on the relationship, that's how you do it. Remember that this is a joint decision; just because she doesn't want to doesn't mean it's off the table if YOU want it. Saying she wants to fix the relationship but doesn't want to go to a therapist is like saying you want to fix the car but don't want to involve a repairman.
  
• While you hunt for a therapist (and it takes some looking to find someone you both like/trust), look for books and resources that can give you ideas for where to direct your efforts. You should BOTH be doing this. Some good resources: marriagebuilders.com, the 5 love languages, marriedmansexlife.com, No More Mister Nice Guy. These resources helped me and my wife recover our relationship, and there are others. Read them together.
  
• Set a weekly meeting time to talk about how you've been feeling about each other over the last week. put it on the calendar, and go out of the house for the meeting. This is when you can talk about what seemed to work, and what didn't. What moments where she felt good, and when she didn't.
  
• recognize that this is your problem too: you guys have built a relationship where only one side is feeling the love, and TOGETHER you have to fix it so that both sides feel it. She is feeling the symptoms, she can help you figure out where some of the problems lie, but you both will have to work to fix it.
  
• Work on yourself. Take up a hobby that you've always wanted to do, and return to an old hobby that you haven't gotten to do in a long time. Take the time to do things for you, because you deserve it. These activities seem trivial, but they go a long way towards anchoring you in this difficult time.
  
• Last, but I have to say it: sometimes people say "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you" because they've found someone else who gives them a hormonal rush the way you don't anymore. If your gut is telling you to be jealous of a male friend of hers, trust it and do what it takes to satisfy YOURSELF that there's nothing going on there.
  
  Good luck, friend.

It's tough to offer any kind of advice for your situation because you talk in a lot of generalities.

However, my wife and I have struggled quite a bit over the last few years and it sucks. I feel like things are getting better, but there are always mis-steps even on the up-swing.

If your wive really has checked out, there's not much you can do. It takes two to make a couple.

However. You can work on yourself. In so doing, you might find that it helps your relationship. Or it might not. But even if your relationship falls apart, you will be in a much better space to cope with that and move on -- as difficult as it seems right now.

So, here's my suggestions ... things that I have been doing and reading over the last couple of years that have really helped me.

1. Stop looking at all the things she is doing wrong. Focus on what she is doing right. This is tough and requires a huge shift in thinking and an even bigger thinking around letting go of your ego.
   
   
2. Every day do something to show some appreciation for someone in your life. One person every day. Say thank you and tell them what they mean to you. This will help you focus on more positive things overall. Include your wife in this, though she doesn't need to be the focus of this every day.
   
   
3. Be honest with yourself and her. Can you give her what she wants. There are some things that I just can't give my wife. And some things she can't give me. How important are these things? And are there other ways to get them?
   
   
4. Adopt a meditation practice. Download the Headspace app. It has a nice introduction to meditation. It has helped me immensely.
   https://www.headspace.com/
   
   
5. If you don't exercise, start. Personally, I enjoy weight lifting. Try Strong Lifts if you can. It's a simple program that will show fast results.
   http://stronglifts.com/
   
   
6. If you don't eat healthy, start. There are so many diets out there. Even if you just start eating smaller portions and cut out snacking, you'll see some positive results. That's where I started. I eventually started doing the Alt Shift Diet. Yeah, you can call it a fad diet or whatever. I don't care. It works for me and that's the key -- find a diet that works for you.
   http://altshiftdiet.com/
   
   
7. Read How to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk. Great advice that applies even when you are talking to adults.
   https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1474568476&sr=1-1&keywords=how+to+talk+so+kids+will+listen+%26+listen+so+kids+will+talk
   
   
8. Read People Skills. This is a great book on active listening and conflict resolution. Helpful in so many situations.
   https://www.amazon.com/People-Skills-Yourself-Resolve-Conflicts/dp/067162248X
   
   
9. Read this post and some of the posts that follow it. Incredibly insightful
   https://np.reddit.com/r/sexover30/comments/538uat/mismatched_couples/d7r5hys
   
   
10. Read Never Split the Difference. Another great book that is geared more toward business negotiation, but has been a great help in my personal life. I can take the time to understand someone else's perspective without letting go of mine. Also great to help assert myself better in my relationship. His description of active listening was also helpful.
    https://www.amazon.com/Never-Split-Difference-Negotiating-Depended/dp/0062407805/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1474568493&sr=1-1&keywords=chris+voss
    
    
11. Read Come as You Are. A great book on women's sexuality specifically, but it's really about sexuality in general. It's backed by a lot of research. Has a lot of insight into human sexuality. Great reading. Helped me understand myself and my wife better. (Goes beyond the typical High Libido and Low Libido stuff that I always found less than helpful.)
    http://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1436544375&sr=8-1&keywords=come+as+you+are
    
    
12. Do stuff on your own. Go out with friends. Go to the movies by yourself. Make sure both of you get breathing room away from each other.
    
    
13. Be honest. If you feel something tell her. You don't have to be mean. But do be honest. "You are making me angry right now, can we talk about it later when I have calmed down." "Your tone sounds rude and condescending. Please talk to me like I am an adult or we can wait and talk later." This one is tough and statements should be made from your perspective rather than made as statements of fact.
    
    Anyway, those are my suggestions and have helped me immensely. Take what you think will work for you. Ignore the rest.
    
    Best of luck!
    

The majority of my relationships have been non-monogamous. I'd consider myself someone who is not terribly traditional about relationship structure. Some of my partners have been "like you" - people who were not interested in dating multiple people themselves, but were willing to be flexible or compromise to varying degrees.

I see two separate issues here.

1. In the long term, he'd like to continue having multiple partners and you'd like to continue having one partner.
   
   
2. You would like to be treated as a serious partner -- you'd like your partner to consult you before making certain kinds of decisions, and you'd like to feel like your emotions, preferences, etc. are valued and considered.
   
   ....
   
   To me, your pain is as much about communication (or lack thereof) vs. the structure of your relationship. I am generally comfortable and happy in open relationships. However, if I was in an open relationship for 6 years with a partner that I lived with, and we'd spent every holiday together, I would expect them to communicate with me before booking a holiday with another partner. If they did somehow book one first, mention it to me, and then discover that I felt hurt... I would expect them to discuss the situation in detail.
   
   Perhaps there was no way in which you'd ever feel comfortable with the situation even if he had tried to talk to you about it beforehand. However, if I wanted a partner to feel comfortable, I would start by having an honest conversation and listening to their concerns. Lots of concerns about open relationships are totally valid - like sexual safety, feeling reassured that you are loved and that you are a priority vs. wondering whether you might be disposable or they are looking to "trade up", etc.
   
   I'd really encourage both you and your SO to read one of the books that talk about communication in open relationships (like "Opening Up" by Tristan Taormino - http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1408424734&sr=8-2&keywords=opening+up)
   Regardless of whether your relationship is viable, he isn't likely to have long term success in an open relationship (or any relationship) if he thinks that "open relationship" = "I do what I want, when I want, and if one of my partners feels anxious, I dismiss their concerns as a violation of my individual freedom".
   
   For me, it feels comfortable to know the people that my partner(s) is dating (or whatever term you want to use ;) and to have direct communication with them. It's not just that I want them to know I exist... I also want them to feel like they can ask me questions, be honest with me, etc. They've often been my friends, either previously or afterward. If you know them, it's easier to understand whether they just have a casual / sexual interest, "romantic" interest, their attitudes about safe sex, whether they're going to treat your partner well, etc.
   
   Also, not all "secondary" partners would WANT to go on holiday with someone if they knew that their longterm partner was feeling hurt about the trip or had learned about it in an after-the-fact way. Being attracted to somebody's SO doesn't necessarily mean that you don't care about how they treat their other partner or your impact on their relationship. Even in a very casual dating situation, I care about other people's partners 'cause they're fellow human beings and we already have at least one interest in common ;)
   
   I see a lot of red flags in your description of the situation, but if you do decide to try to make it work, I'd encourage you both to read more about communication in open relationships and to try seeing a couples therapist. There are couples therapists who work with people in not-completely-traditional relationship situations and who are not inherently morally opposed to the concept.
   
   But also, there are lots of people who would happily have an open OR monogamous relationship with you that would include lots of honest communication, treating you like you are important, trying to understand your feelings or address your fears vs. pressuring you to immediately accept a decision that was made without your input.
   
   Also, even people who are 300% excited about open relationships sometimes feel jealous, scared, hurt, etc... and you should be able to talk about those feelings honestly. It isn't supposed to be a situation where you are always expected to feel nothing or act like you feel nothing or keep your emotions to yourself.
   
   I can't say whether it's a mistake for you to compromise and be in an open relationship (either this relationship, or in general)... but I can say that it would be a mistake for you to shrug off your feelings about this and suffer through it alone.

> If this goes on for days, I progressively end up in a more depressed/helpless state. Making decisions gets difficult, even something as simple as picking an item off a menu. Confidence at work or with any other hobbies gets low enough that I stop doing or achieving much of anything.

This is a very classic "freeze" response, also known as dissociation. Basically, if you're pushed into fight/flight long enough or persistently enough, you'll start freezing up. That makes it difficult to concentrate, difficult to connect to other people, and even difficult to take concrete actions like picking something up. It's one end of trauma-related emotional disregulation, with the other being fight/flight/anxiety/anger. It's very common for unchecked verbal aggression to put people into a state like that. It's also decently likely that you have some form of trauma history that made you more vulnerable to freezing up like that, and that made it difficult for you to get angry enough to push back when she becomes verbally aggressive with you. I'd suggest reading In An Unspoken Voice to learn more about how we get stuck in these fight/flight/freeze responses.

> The only consistent recommendation I see, besides medication, is DBT. What does that mean, for someone without good access to medical care? Buy her a workbook and tell her to read it?

You could try to do that, but it doesn't sound like she has either a lot of insight into how her behavior is harmful or a strong motivation to change. Most likely the best thing that you can do is to focus on improving your own ability to advocate for yourself, to understand what's happening in this situation, and to get clarity about your own conscious and unconscious patterns of thinking and reacting that keep you stuck in this situation. This is unfortunately a "put your own oxygen mask on first" kind of situation.

On another note, DBT might actually be really helpful for you. One area it covers is emotional regulation, or learning to work on your emotional responses so that you can respond in a way that fits the situation. That includes learning about the different basic emotion types (Anger/Shame/Fear/Guilt/Envy/Happiness/Sadness/Love/Jealousy), learning when they fit the facts of a situation, and also learning to recognize when you're skipping past the appropriate emotional reaction and jumping to another one. For example, it sounds like when your wife gets angry at you over nothing, you skip right past anger and into fear/shame/sadness. If you can afford it or are covered, it might be worth finding a DBT therapist to help you work on that. If you can't, this is the workbook that my therapist used with me.

> What can a person like me do to be more resilient to verbal aggression/abuse?

Learning to set boundaries for yourself is probably the key skill to get started with. There's a lot of confusion about boundaries out there. Sometimes it sounds like it's something that other people are responsible for ("they should respect my boundaries"), or that they're responsible for enforcing them once we communicate them. Instead, a boundary is an action that we commit to take ourselves in order to maintain our self-respect and ability to function. It could be something like "If someone is yelling at me or calling me names, then I will leave the area." Frequently, it's helpful to have a series of planned boundary-maintaining actions so that you don't have to take drastic action off the bat -- so in that example, you could plan to first ask the person to stop yelling, then leave the room if they won't stop, then leave the house if they follow you and keep yelling, then stay somewhere overnight if they keep yelling when you come back, then move out temporarily if they won't stop when you come back, then end the relationship if you can't come back without being yelled at.

Other times when people talk about boundaries it sounds like we should just already know what our boundaries are, when in reality it's a really messy difficult heart-breaking process to discover first that something is unacceptable to you and then that you're willing to enforce a boundary to prevent it. There may be significant new emotions or memories of past situations that you have to become comfortable with in order to -- for example, you may be deeply uncomfortable with the idea of being alone or seeing someone else suffering when they claim that it's your fault, and it may be related to difficulties in your childhood or past that seem similar.

There's also a significant chance that you've internalized at some level that you're responsible for your wife's emotional reactions, or that you've done something wrong, or that this is normal. So there's a significant ongoing rediscovery aspect where you'll revisit past relationship conflicts and go "Wait, that's not my fault at all!"

The other thing you can do is to look into whether you might be exhibiting codependent behaviors or in a trauma bond. No More Mr Nice Guy is a decent guide to working on this, although it's a little bit much to handle if you're still in the thick of it emotionally. You can also read When I Say No I Feel Guilty.

> What's the healthy approach towards me getting some kind of support system/network?

Keep on posting here regularly, for one. You can also take a look at /r/Divorce (I've been assuming from the comments from your friends that you're married -- apologies if I'm getting that wrong). I assume you've seen /r/BPDlovedones/ , but it might be worth reading their recommended resources. Work on exercising regularly, see a therapist or couples therapist if you can, try talking to any friends you have that haven't been dismissive before. A light 10-20 minute/day meditation practice might be helpful with learning about your thoughts and emotions, but there can be complications with large amounts of meditation if you have a trauma history or are in a stressful situation (see this book and this guide if you want to pursue that route).

Also just spend time with friends and social groups even if they're not resources for talking about your relationship. It can be important to remember that social relationships can just be fun/light and to provide a counterbalance.

> So... is there any healthy middle ground between "suffer through it, don't talk about it, relationships take work" and "run away, AWALT, borderlines are crazy"?

The middle ground is to work on asserting your boundaries, understanding and accepting your emotions, building a healthy set of activities and friends, and getting clear on what's acceptable to you. If it turns out that you have a trauma history, then something like somatic experiencing or EMDR can help you start to heal from that and become more confident. As you become more confident and assertive, set more boundaries, and work for the kind of relationship that you want, then you'll see w

Do you have kids together? If you don't, the standard answer to just go ahead and leave is probably "right" -- there doesn't sound like there's much good happening for you here. But the problem with "just leave" is that it's all or nothing, and doesn't provide you with an incremental path to building the skills and self-knowledge that will allow you to actually leave.

If you do have kids together, then "just leave" is definitely a bit tougher. This sort of situation can be a kind of crucible that allows for immense personal growth, or can just beat you down.

A couple resources that may help with clarifying the stay/leave question are:

• Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay. This is a workbook with diagnostics for what relationships can be fixed vs should be ended. If you read it and your answers come out as overwhelmingly leave, then do your utmost to just leave, even if you have to move out while she's not there, text a breakup note, and ask your friends to help you.
  
  
• Wired For Love discusses attachment theory and adult relationship dynamics.
  
  
  Good luck and we'd love to keep on hearing how you're doing!

Hey nowweareopen,

First of all, I'd just like to say that some of the posts here have been unnecessarily negative. This subreddit is supposed to be accepting and I feel like people have written you off too quickly because of your age. I'm 21 (M) and in an open relationship with a wonderful 23 year old (F). We've been open for the past two years, and it's been immensely satisfying for ourselves and our lovers.

Yes, being in an open relationship is hard but so is being in any relationship. oo_nrb has a ton of great advice, so I'm going to try not to duplicate too much of that.

In general, it seems like you're going into this from a stable position and an open mind. I'd highly recommend that you both read Tristan Taramino's wonderful book Opening Up before you jump in head first. The book will teach you that everyone define's their open relationship differently, and that the most important part of non-monogamy is defining your rules and sticking to them. Open relationships demand a higher level of trust and a greater commitment to communication, because there is a lot more at stake.

> What are some common pitfalls people tend to fall into/how can we avoid them?

• Not defining the rules early (Do you want to hear about everything? Before? After).
  
• One partner finding tons of lovers and the other not (Help each other out and talk about how you're doing frequently)
  
• Not slowing down or stopping quickly enough if the other partner is starting to feel neglected.
  
• One partner getting into the open relationship because it feels like their only option. (Make sure you both want this and you're not just settling for it).
  
• Safety (Condoms, STD tests, and safer sex practices are a must)
  
• Confusing infatuation over a new partner for love. (Realize that new relationship energy will always feel amazing, but it's not the same as what you guys have. Always respect the primacy of your relationship).
  
• Breaking the rules. Just because it's open, doesn't mean you can't cheat. Cheating is bad.
  
  > How do we find people who are interested purely in sex and are comfortable having sex with someone in an open relationship? I'm wary of Craigslist and online sites.
  
  The same ways your find them normally: bars, parties, friends, and sites like OKCupid. The thing to realize is that very few people are interested in "just sex". There's nothing wrong with being friendly or affectionate with the other people you're banging, as long as you respect the primacy of your boyfriend. You guys might want to start out with rules about how much emotion, connection is allowed if it makes your uncomfortable, but realize that you are restricting the number of partners that would be interested in you.
  
  > How do we broach the subject of sex in person to people he and I find?
  
  Flirt. Be touchy and make sure to be honest with your other partners that you have significant others, but that you're open. Explain your rules, your boundaries, and if you're comfortable with it, let them talk to your partner for confirmation.
  
  Good luck. If you have any other questions, let me know.

well now I have some time so buckle up.

/u/helpwiththisproblemp is a nice guy. Not a full-blown neckbeard fedora M'Lady but he has that mindset. Where men are only in 2 categories.. Nice Gentlemen like himself, and the Assholes who get the women to lust after them. I cant guess how this mindset starts, sometimes they live with a disgruntled single mother or an equally Nice father, but they're genuinely convinced that by being Nice, safe, bland, trustworthy and a good provider is the exact path into a woman's panties. "I'm Nice. I have a good job. I bring home the bacon, why isnt that dropping her panties, why isnt she showing her gratitude by giving me a blowjob, why are all those Musician/Artist/Biker Assholes getting all the pussy??"

They repress their sexual nature and urges so they're not "creepy, aggressive or gross, not like those Bikers" and well, they get Friendzoned. But they secretly want to be sexually confident and lusted after.

They have an equally "either/or" view of women. They're either sluts or Nice women. Nice demure women. Nice ladies, ladies who dont act like sluts. Once again, they secretly want their demure wife to act like a slut! (Sluts are great btw)

So everything is a covert contract. He asked for a blowjob but I bet his behaviour right up until then was as a polite demure gentleman, treating his nice demure wife with respect, because he's a Nice man he picked a nice demure lady didnt he. He got all excited when she mentioned deep-throating him, because that's what he secretly wanted, but he never encouraged her to be slutty from them on, so she relaxed and forgot about it. "He never followed up, never rewarded me for sexual behaviour, never acted like a confident sexy beast, so whatevs".

Advice - that no-one ever likes, cos apparently 'being offended on behalf of someone else' is a new national past-time, as is 'asking for advice but crying over the harsh truths and not changing a damn thing'

Stop being Nice and having covert contracts. Read this book and before you flip your shit, read the blurb, it's not for Neckbeards.

If you dont like reading books, watch some episodes of Lucifer, it's hilarious because if the actor was ugly it would be creepy and gross. But he's handsome, well-dressed and dashing, so he's confident, sexy, alluring and bold.

If you cant be bothered with either of those, at least grasp that people arent either/or. Men arent just Nice or Assholes. There's a sliding scale. Women who are happily ravaging their men are with good guys. Good, sexy, confident, non-assholes. And by happily I mean we are genuinely happy. Content with how sexy, decent and safe our partner is. We dont complain so you dont hear from us? just from the unhappy ones who are with real assholes I guess.

Women arent evil for being slutty. I'm sexually confident and adore doing filthy things with my partner. and I clean up nice to go to dinner with his friends.

cc /u/drreedrichards it seemed like you needed some stuff too.

I used to be terrible with women. Constantly friendzoned. Got cheated on by a girlfriend that I had no idea how I got.

Then I found some "pickup" stuff online that got me lucky two times in a row following a script... and then nothing. So I studied more online stuff. I was going to be the best pickup artist ever, I was going to show them all! I'd approach women to impress my friends. Got a stripper to go out for coffee(ended badly, I was totally over my head). All sorts of showy stuff.

Luckily I found some charisma based pickup stuff that was essentially just presenting yourself in the correct manner, and not be afraid to escalate sexually.

One of the techniques was a type of disqualification where if anybody said anything negative you agree and amplify. And if they say something positive, be genuinely thankful, but say something a bit humbling to keep yourself human.

Disqualification was great for my interactions with others, but weirdly, it was the best thing for me. It didn't happen overnight, but it did happen. I started not to place too much importance in what others thought of me. Not in a narcissistic way, but in a freeing way. I came to realize that I didn't need to impress anybody by showing off or becoming a pickup superstar. I became decent at dating and could spend my energy in other areas of my life.

The reason I'm telling you this is because "pickup" advice can help you, but you need to be careful. As Grayflcn said, becareful over in Seddit. There are some genuine people there, but there are also some people trying to impress people with BS, or show offy, creepy things. Try to keep your filters set appropriately.


I've been in a relationship for a while, but trying to help some friends I've found some things I think are good resources in this area coming from the right place...

1. the Art of Charm (artofcharm.com) guys have a ton of free stuff available to get better with women that you can trust.
   
2. this book: http://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty/dp/1463750358 comes from the right frame, and was of huge help to a friend in this and other areas.
   
   That said... if you've already got women you're dating maybe the only thing wrong is you're not escalating. Letting them know you find them attractive in a man to woman manner. This may seem like a huge hurdle, I was terrified of this. Yet, doing it a few times, it became something I did without thinking because it totally improved my relations with females.
   
   It's 3 steps.
   Figure out what you find sexy about her. Something about her personality is better than something physical.
   Use the word sexy to tell her you think that thing is sexy . There's no ambiguity. She knows what you mean when you use that word.
   Don't wait for a reaction, start talking about something else. It will ferment in there and not waiting for an answer shows you're not hanging on her approval.
   
   Example: I like women that make me laugh... she says something funny.
   
   "Hey, you're funny, I think funny women are sexy. (A half beat pause so it's not rushed then) So, anyway, tell me more about that Japanese restaurant... "
   
   It seems like a small thing but it made a total difference in my male/female relations.
   
   I'm typing this on mobile, but I remember the pain of feeling helpless with women. I hope some of this helps a bit, Bud.
   
   *Edit fixing the book link that didn't work.
   
   ** Edit2 I'm not sure this is worthy of it, but thank you to whoever gifted me the gold.

Ahh one of the problems young men face in today's society, the absence of a rite of passage. That sounds similar to what you're looking for; this article touches on it a bit.


> At the heart of the modern crisis of manhood is the extension of adolescence, a boyhood which is stretching on for a longer and longer period of time. Once thought to end in a man’s 20s at the latest, men are extending their adolescence into their 30′s and in some especially sad cases, their 40′s.

>But in some ways it’s not their fault. It’s the fault of a culture in which rites of passage have all but disappeared, leaving men adrift and lost, never sure when and if they’ve become men. Today’s men lack a community of males to initiate them into manhood and to recognize their new status.

>Across time and place, cultures have inherently understood that without clear markers on the journey to manhood, males have a difficult time making the transition and can drift along indefinitely. Thus, rites of passage were clearly delineated in nearly every culture as one of the community’s most important rituals.

I'm not sure of a suitable challenge or hardship for you, that's something that only you can decide. There's a few simple tasks that if done daily can improve your life.

I'll start with the easy stuff:

Fitness:

1.) Start Weightlifting

You're 18 years old and in relatively good shape i'm assuming ("biked through some mountainous canadian villages,"). There's literally no reason for you not to weightlift or run.

Weightlifting:

• Because you're 18, you'll make strength gains pretty quickly.
  
• You only need to weightlift 3 days a week (45-60 mins per session. Most of the time you'll be sitting down resting in between sets).
  
• In 2 months (probably less) your results will be visible, you'll feel stronger, more confident, have more energy, etc.
  
• The endorphin's released after a workout are awesome.
  
  
  Here are few progress pics from /r/Fitness : [1] [2] [3]
  
  Please tell me you'll start weightlifting or at least running; time will pass whether or not you lift, best to make gains along the way :)
  
  Find a powerlifting gym in your area (they're generally cheaper than commercial gyms, allow you to grunt, use chalk, and actually lift heavy weight)
  
  Meditate:
  
  Start to meditate everyday.
  
  >Benefits to meditation
  >Like exercise, your benefits will depend on your efforts.
  
  >Greater mental abilities as the mind concentrates with greater ease and there is less restless thought happening.
  
  >Greater insights into your own behavior and that of others, so the ability to live with less regret happens.
  
  >Greater physical abilities as the awareness of the body is increased, as well as the ability to visualize--if that is your objective.
  
  >Greater emotional clarity as one learns to deal with and release difficult emotions.
  
  >A greater feeling of contentment and oneness with life as the obstructions in the mind recede.
  
  Philosophy:
  
  Begin to read and study philosophy.
  
  Good Introductory Books are:
  
  

1. The Problems of Philosophy - Bertrand Russell
   
2. Sophie's World -
   
   
   One really good lecture series on ethics:
   
   Justice: What's The Right Thing To Do? Episode 01 "THE MORAL SIDE OF MURDER"
   
   Social Skills:
   
   Go out and meet knew people, fool around with girls, talk to strangers, etc. Try to stay away from the computer as much as possible.
   
   
3. /r/seduction (Read all of the sidebar, even if you never want to pickup women it's just great life advice).
   
4. /r/socialskills
   
5. /r/SocialEngineering
   
   All have some damn good articles and posts on body language, self-confidence, etc... that'll make you a lot more confident in social situations if you go out and practice; talking to a human, whether it's a boss or a cute girl on the street, is a learn-able skill that can be improved.
   
   Read How to Make Friends & Influence People. The title is not the best but it's a classic book and insanely useful.
   
   Read:
   
   Delete your Reddit account, stop watching television, and read.
   
   Read Plato, Marcus Aurelius, Camus, Thoreau, and Orwell. Read Rumi, Kahlil Gibran, and Keats. Read old english, sci-fi, old fantasy novels, etc.
   
   A few lists:
   
   
6. Art of Manliness
   
   
7. Reddit threads: [1] [2] [3] [4]
   
   Reddit's Favorite Books
   
   Benefits of reading:
   
   

• It'll really open your mind to the vastness of the world
  
• You'll realize that anything you "have ever thought/felt has been thought/felt by men for ages before me and will be for ages after."
  
• You'll mature.
  
  Create something:
  
  Whether you write stories, music, or draw try to create something. Try to write 300 words everyday on any topic you want, a random dream you had, tasty food, etc.
  
  Travel:
  
  Work on a farm for a week or two while staying in the home of complete strangers. Helpx
  Miscellaneous things:
  
  Misc:
  
  /r/LucidDreaming
  
  
  tl;dr
  
  Make the most of your time and try to improve yourself as much as possible in the next 300 days; whether physically (weightlifting!), mentally, or spiritually.
  
  Decrease reddit/internet use and go outside, hit on random beautiful women, make new friends, etc.

Other people here may think this is silly, but I don't.

I totally understand, as I have at one point in my life derived exactly that from sleeping around (never when I was in a relationship tho). It does make a big difference in this area.

There are, however, other ways to obtain self-confidence and self-esteem. This may also sound silly to a lot of people, but one of the things I did was buy a motorcycle, and let me tell you, there's very few things that make me feel like so much of a man as zipping past heavy traffic in the commuter lane, or splitting lanes, reducing my commute time by 50%. Sex does the same thing, especially when I'm being dominant. My current girlfriend likes and encourages me to be dominant in the bedroom, and let me tell you... nothing like finishing inside her (she's on the pill) after I've called all the shots, told her that she's my woman, and done everything I've wanted to do to her. It's extremely validating when, in the moments after, she cuddles up next to me, looking flushed and satisfied, and confident in me as a man. It is possible to obtain part (but not all) of your self-esteem and confidence from one woman alone--you just need to be able to express yourself fully and have her absolutely love it the way my girlfriend does.

Anyhow, it sounds to me like in your current relationship you might not feel comfortable expressing your yourself/your manliness, or may be you're just not comfortable with it at all, even outside of a relationship. It's possible that your girlfriend has issues with expression of yourself/manliness and so you are conditioned away from expressing it. Been there in a previous relationship so I know this can seriously effect your self-esteem and confidence. Talk to her about it--most women "secretly" (or not so secretly) want a partner who's manly and dominant in the bedroom and usually out of the bedroom too.

To save your relationship, you need to find a way to express your manliness in a non-sexual way--whatever way works best for you, be it a motorcycle, sports, power tools, martial arts, or whatever creative and unique way you come up with on your own.

I'd also recommend seeing if you can try being a bit more dominant in the bedroom too, or at least expressing yourself fully and passionately. Once you get comfortable with it, chances are she'll enjoy it too. I'm lucky to have a girlfriend that openly wants me to be dominant in the bedroom--she makes it clear that she wants it so I don't have to worry about offending her. (A lot of women these days..)

Finally you need to determine what being a man means to you... There are two books I'd recommend: Way of the Superior Man (a great book with a stupid title) and Real Men Don't Apologize. The former is somewhat spiritual in nature, the latter appeals to a wider audience. Get the audio books if you need to--I did. Some people may think these books are full of misogyny, but in fact, nothing could be further from the truth. They are more about finding your identity as a man, and part of that, both books emphasize, is respect for women and the light they can bring to our lives.

Addendum: I also wanted to clarify: you cannot get all of your confidence and self-esteem from sleeping with a lot of women. Do this too much and it'll become addictive and ultimately lead to a loss of confidence and self-esteem. (Been there, done that!) You need multiple sources of confidence and self-esteem, sex and feeling desired by other people can only be one of the ways you obtain these things. Otherwise, the pursuit is ultimately fruitless and empty. It seems great at first, but after a while, you'll end up hating yourself far more than you would have otherwise.

This is all advice from a 36 year old male who's never been married and has slept with a lot of women. Trust me, it's not all its cracked up to be.

Hey friend
Thanks for sharing and your vulnerability.

Would you believe that I can actually relate to you? I can in more ways than you can imagine. I was celibate throughout my 20's because I was religious. No fapping...no porn...no sex. I love sex! But I was told bad things would happen if I had sex by religious leaders and believed them. Later I got married to a woman I wasn't attracted to for religious reasons too. It is a common theme for much of my life. 5 years ago I was going nuts. I had never had good sex and I wanted it so bad. This wasn't possible with my wife.

I stared seeing prostitutes. At first it was the best thing in the world. I could have sex with beautiful woman and I just had to give them money. But I soon realized I longed for connection more than sex. When I realized that I couldn't get that connection with a prostitute I started having ED too. Embarrassing is an understatement. I feel you there. But it was because I was wanting to connect on a heart level and I needed a relationship where I felt safe to do that. I wasn't living in my truth and was living to try to fit into what I thought everyone else wanted me to be instead of saying, "this is me! I love who I am! I may be weird and some of you may choose to ditch me because they don't get me. But those who choose to know me will find that I have a heart of gold and will be my friend for life."

Cheating on my wife with prostitutes is not a "heart of gold" act. I wanted I make that clear. But I told my wife everything and we got a divorce.

After I was free to explore I did. People had questioned my sexuality for years. I never felt gay but I thought I might as well give it a try. I tried it a few times and couldn't get into it. I now know from experience that I am straight. But if I wasn't that would have been cool too.
I think it's awesome that you are "man" enough to explore your sexuality. You should be proud of that.

I love that you spend time in meditation. 40 minutes a day is great.


I have a some specific advice for you that I think might help a lot.

There is a book called the magdalen manuscripts. It is about sacred sexuality and sex magic. It is like merging sex and meditation. I think that you are having such a hard time with sex because your guides don't want you to waste your time with shallow sex. They want you to experience the best sex possible. I can tell by your writing that you have the heart to have this kind of sex. Not everyone can do it. It takes the ability to meditate and a gentle spirit which I see in you.

Here is what I recommend and I want you to know that I am doing the same thing now.

Get the book and read it. Or even better read it with a girl you want to explore sacred sexuality with. I met the most beautiful woman the other night. We talked and really connected. She gets back from a trip on Saturday. I am going to ask her to read the book with me. We will read it to each other and then practice it together.

I would even be open to staying in contact with you and comparing notes. I am new to this too but I know that it's real and it had not yet hit the mainstream yet. Oh but trust me it will. I have ideas :)

Either way. I wish you well. You are not alone and to me you are a beautiful example of a human being trying your best to figure this life thing out. You are on your way.


Here is a link to the book
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/193103205X/ref=redir_mdp_mobile

And here's another
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1591792576/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1372806050&sr=8-1&pi=SL75

Since I don't know the extent of your Autism, I will write as if I'm speaking to a person that is just very inexperienced with dating.

It definitely is different from case to case.
Some people experience it like this though:

• Meet a single person through any means (pool of friends, stranger at bar, etc.)
  
• Get to know them through casual conversation, keeping eye contact longer than you would normally.
  
• If they appear to pay attention to you (they don't leave the area, they ask questions about you in return, they maintain a decent amount of eye contact with you), then they might be interested.
  
• In this case, it would be wise to mention an activity you going to be doing soon or at a later date, and that they should join. Preferably this will be somewhere where exploration and/or drinking can occur.
  If they agree; pull out your phone, open up a New Contact, put their name in, click the phone number field, then hand them the phone to type it in.
  
• Be the person to politely end the conversation, preferably on a good note (like a callback to an earlier in-joke, a playful reference to the future event, or a cheerful goodbye stating you need to return to your friends)
  
  
• Arrange transportation and greet them at the venue with a friendly physical contact (fist bump, funny handshake, hug, high-five) to get the friendly vibes going. Keep a positive energy throughout the "date" and err on the side of punctuating certain moments with physical contact ("Oh my god, I can't believe you said that!" slaps arm, "Hey, look over there." lightly elbows side, Put arm around them and poke their other shoulder to distract them "Did you know that guy or something?" grin)
  
• The focus of the "date" is to get them comfortable with you, get comfortable with them, and learn about them while relating your own experiences. Its almost like hanging out with a good friend, but with more physical contact and teasing. Also, if you're a guy, assume you will be paying the tabs unless she physically stops you/puts her money down. I'm all for equality, but this is something that can only help you in an early dating situation. You can split bills later in the relationship.
  
  PROTIP: If there is a lull in the conversation, don't keep prodding them or start playing on your phone, instead have a casual conversation with someone around you (bartender, person in line near you, somebody sitting at bar). This shows you aren't a puppy dog relying on them for entertainment, are outgoing, and have confidence (an attractive trait universally).
  
  
• If the date is going very well and the physical contact is being reciprocated or even escalated, mention something unique about your home (A VR game system, a French Press for coffee, a song you're producing, a freaking cat, whatever). Usually its best to drop this in earlier on in conversation. When the date is starting to get stale/it is getting late, suggest you go back to your home to check out that thing (You won't actually be checking out that thing).
  
  

1. If they say no and have a plausible excuse (I have work early, I have to take my mom to the airport at x:xx, etc.), they will often follow up with "...but I would like to hang out again!" or "...but I'm doing x on saturday/whatever". If not, just hit them up for another date later, they might still be interested.
   
2. If they say no and don't have a plausible excuse (I have to feed my fish, I have to wash clothes, I'm tired) and don't offer a follow up hang out, then they are probably not interested. If they wanted to continue hanging with you, they would invite you over or come to your place after doing their task. They certainly wouldn't be tired unless its way into the AM, and even still...
   its best to assume you aren't compatible and leave them alone. Definitely don't beg or pressure them.
   
3. If they say yes, see below
   
   

• As you walk into your (hopefully clean) apartment, immediately commence intimate physical contact. Preferably making out. Lead into bedroom. Boom boom boom.
  At the FIRST sign of hesitation, stop entirely. Don't get butthurt or beg, just respect their wishes. You can offer them a drink or to do the activity you mentioned, then try again later. If still no, they may either have some friction (religious background, awkwardness about intimacy, principles against first-date hookups) or something went wrong and they think you're a friend/is using you for something. Nothing I've written here is a hard rule, simply my experience. This may not be the case for everybody, especially if there is mental disorder involved.
  
  
• From here, if you want a girlfriend/boyfriend, you just need to meet up more and more until you've both decided to become exclusive. Include them in more fun activities, slowly bring them around your friends, and reveal more personal details about yourself. Eventually either they will ask you to become exclusive, or it is so implied that you should ask them to be exclusive with you. Most people won't go on 5+ actual dates with somebody unless a relationship is a possibility.
  
  
• A relationship is like a best friendship where you slowly reveal more and more about eachother, rely on eachother more and more, and begin including them in your personal life more and more. It is not an attached-at-the-hip situation, it is more of a separate but together situation. Separate as in you both have your own interests, friend groups, and time alone. Together as in big life decisions should be shared with them, you have an obligation to only sleep with them, and you will be in somewhat regular contact with them throughout the weeks. Often this will lead to them moving in with you, getting married to you, and/or reproducing with you. There's no rulebooks to relationships except having boundaries, not being clingy, and assuming trust in them unless otherwise convinced.
  
  
• Relationships often end once one person's boundaries are crossed by their partner (cheating, moral conflicts, distance) in which case they have enough pride to end it.
  Sometimes it ends because it just isn't adding anything exciting to their life (compatibility comes down to being able to tolerate eachother for an extended period of time). Sometimes they will go on until death, often not.
  
  Also, a book I cannot suggest enough is Mark Manson - Models
  
  This book probably gave me more applicable advice about dating than any other source period. It is one of the most useful materials for self-improvement. Possibly the best dating advice to ever exist.

Part of my divorce was what you describe - and my ex is not living "a happier" life.

I do understand your position, and you probably feel underappreciated or alone..... but you need to also try and give your husband the benefit of the doubt ($1000s in therapy and that was the best advice - it is simple and true). He too is working and exhausted, he too needs love and attention..... He too needs to escape (TV or other distractions).... And these times are difficult, children are difficult. You should ask yourself how he has changed, has his dream of an "authentic life" really disappeared? Probably not, he is just getting up and working to make sure the house is over your head and food on your plate. He probably has shifted his view of the world as well, kids will do that.... He probably wants to see your kids have the best outcome - and that might not be a tiny home, home schooled while driving around the world... He probably is trying to make sure there is stability in their life.

Have you gone on a date with him recently? Have you tried to talk with him and work on your physical relationship? Have you tried? Marriage is hard, and divorce will not make it easier and the courts will definitely reduce your "dreams of an authentic" life because they only care about consistency and predictable future for your children.

Another "$1000s advice from marriage therapy", you need to create positivity in your relationship. It does not happen naturally, it is work and it is intentional. Stop expecting from him and stepup to create a better relationship for you and him. A healthy relationship needs 4 out of 5 (generic #s) to be successful. If you have more negative, then you will have a unrealistic and unhealthy belief your husband is a "problem".

Marriage is tough, mainly because you are doing things out of love. Being a mother is tough, because you are constantly being selfless (and fatherhood is the same - he too is giving up on dreams and being selfless)....try reading 7 principals that make a marriage work (link below), it is a interactive marriage book for couples.... And you would be surprised at how not unique your marriage difficulties are, at how "textbook" your situation is.... A lot of people struggle with your exact issues and situation.... A lot of marriages end do to the transition from "ideal love" to "fuck: kids, work and family are taxing in life".

And... To counter your issues, ask yourself how "free" your life will be when you are single and working to stay a float. Having to do 100% of your life work and planning... Trust me, that dream of a unique life will be harder to accomplish. How unique will it be dating again, trust me it is not that cool and unique having 1 night stands and being disappointed over and over again.

Try and talk with your husband about your dreams and needs, and ask that he really listens to you.... And then you need to drink a dose of reality and be patient. Life will happen and give both of you time to reacclimate to life as parents.

But, honestly... if anything, try to work on your relationship... It is the easiest and most rewarding work you can do. There are great resources out there. If you choose therapy, be judgemental and picky because there are bad therapist out there. The tpey of therapy that I appreciated was EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy). It is research based and focused on bad habits.

Here is a start:
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert https://www.amazon.com/dp/0609805797/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_mAQuDbWNFBMXB

Take care, you can do this! Because, being loving and supportive parents and not divorced is a unique life... Try to change your perspective. (But don't run away from your dreams, just plan and live them out).

I wouldn't suggest you rush to your doctor with the question, "am I seriously depressed?" If you live in the west, there's a 99% chance that an M.D. will shove a multiple choice test at you, which may or may not come back showing you are depressed. If it shows you are depressed, your doctor will prescribe an antidepressant... which may or may not make you feel better, but it will definitely not have any real effect on the root of your problems.

I think the answer to the question, "am I seriously depressed?" lies in another question: does your mood have a chronically negative impact on your life? everyone gets sad from time to time, but does your mood interfere with your your relationships, or your work, or impede your ability to achieve your goals and take enjoyment out of day to day life?

If the answer is yes, then you should do something to change your mood. In my experience, the best way to change your mood is by working with a good shrink. You want a registered psychologist, or a professional counsellor with an MSW degree (Masters of Social Work). There are any number of people in the phone book calling themselves "therapists" or "counsellors" but those names might not necessarily mean anything more than a 1 or 2 year diploma, and maybe much less than that. Not to disparage those people, nor all the people they help... but personally I only want to trust my mind to the very best.

Anyways... any good shrink will be helpful, but I strongly recommend you find someone who specializes in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. CBT is not at all like traditional talk therapy... you're not going to be talking about childhood traumas, or whether your father gave you enough attention. Instead, CBT is about making very concrete changes to the way think and react to your world. For example, imagine being stuck in traffic... if you're like me, most of the time I'm okay with it, but sometimes I flip out and fly into a murderous rage... CBT is about identifying what's going on in your mind in the moments between 'calmly driving' and 'wanting to eviscerate the driver in front of you', and then changing it. In the case of depression, you'll be working on the thought patterns that are bringing your mood down.

Where I am in B.C., shrinks are charging around $140 an hour, some will work on a sliding scale. That might seem like a lot, but the beauty of CBT is it works astoundingly fast... once you find a good shrink, you'll see pretty dramatic results within 1 or 2 hours, and you might feel like you're done after 4 or 5... maybe less. I have pretty severe depression, and I keep it in check with between 4 and 8 sessions, a couple times a year. So I spend $1000 - $1500 a year on head shrinking, and it's the best money I spend... I would spend double that without a second thought. The payback in terms of quality of life is remarkable, and most people spend that much or more on car maintenance. And for your relatively mild depression, you may only need a few sessions and never go back.

Finding the right shrink is key... most will give a free initial session. If you're not feeling it after the freebie, don't go back. Make sure you like them and trust them and feel like they're earning your money.

Whether or not you seek therapy with a shrink, I highly recommend the book, "Feeling Good" by David Burns [amazon link[(http://www.amazon.ca/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1278729282&sr=8-2). It's a CBT self help book for depression. Like all self help books, it's a little cheesy, but if you have some faith and go with it, it's pretty damn effective. It's bound to help you in some way even if you're not seriously depressed... might be the best $8.99 you ever spend.

I personally think that you should appreciate women's beauty, however I feel that catcalling would be unnecessary i didn't see any approach done "right", i actually feel that people, specially men should learn some social dynamics specially towards talking to the opposite sex, and by this i don't mean learn pick up and fuck as many girls as possible and shit like that, but because I feel that its important to be able to connect with women in a way. I feel that a lot of rapes, and sexual frustration, and probably prostitution is because men want an easy way out, and don't want to put in the work to approach women, and now you could even go online dating if you don't like it but i think that men become more aware of how to deal with this certain situation, I am working on myself to be able to approach a girl and give her a genuine compliment and to mean it because I say it and say it because I mean it, not to get attention that just because by catcalling people I 'prove im manly' they come off as needy and shit.

Although I feel that people, specially women, if you learned some pick up or rather some more sociability they see that as ungenuine and even more chumpy, but the counter argument i would say is they are not being genuine either, they use make up and they are manipulating their appearance to look more attractive and in a way is manipulating me to think better of them, I am against some of the principles of pick up but the dating science isn't wrong, but its on the right path. I personally think that, like in my case, if you know you suck with women, and you don't want to be in a path of crappiness and neediness, via using prostitution to get laid or roofing people to get laid or rather rape girls, or vast usage of porn, I would say that its good.

I personally would recommend reading Models by Mark Manson because the book is really fucking awesome and it would make you a better man, and perhaps reading the 'further reading' books from that book help you understand the mating system of humans, and to become a better man. I think the book itself is actually really good because it states more than just to get laid is to find quality women to be fullfillled and be more happier with women, and in a way is actually attacking the dating science in a way by attacking The Mystery Method which all pick up could be summed up by that single book. In a way I would recommend both and take the best from both because neither of them is 'wrong' but niether one of them is 'right'. I do agree with Manson's idea of confidence and working in yourself more than in women and being sexualy fulllfilled doesn't require large amounts of women, while I also agree with Mystery's focus on competence vs. confidence because he says that you can't quantify confidence and rather focus on number of approaches and really statistics because that shows competence and successful competence breeds confidence eventually but in a way Manson's idea is better, because he is coming from a place of abundance of women and general happiness, is like saying being 'good' with women is something you are and not do and your looks, money demographics and ect does matter in the equation, over mystery's idea which is coming from neediness, because he refers as girls having 'high value' and by that you are infering that you aren't enough for her so you have to in a way manipulate yourself into making her thinking you are 'good enough' so that it doesn't matter if you look like a fucking troll no matter what if your 'game' is 'tight' it doesn't matter what even if the girl is married or anything really, she will sleep with you and that isn't the case, because mysetery uses a lot of indirect and 'fool proof' tactics that are more convoluted than just expressing your intent and if it doesn't work out move on asap, I'd say that take the best they both are right, and both concepts are correct but im leaning more the natural no scripts type of things and just being freeforming it.
I'd recommend both people getting those two books and they will change your life or at least make you think better and be more aware of how to flirt better. And perhaps reading Double your Dating by David DeAngelo, this one focuses more on dating girls and setting up and getting exposure to women over, is focused on both competence and confidence, and in a more natural way. I'd say get them, you can torrent them if you are so cheap, but defenitely read up on them and see what comes out of it.

So defenitely get Models by mark manson and Mystery Method because you can get a really clear picture on the subject of picking up women, and Double your Dating by David D just the simple ebook don't dig too much into it.

other books, I heard of them, and read some reviews on amazon and they seem to have really good reviews but I haven't gotten them or read them but they seem legit too.

Bang by roosh V

Day bang by roosh v

The manual by W. Anton

the Natural by richard la ruina

Get inside her by Marni Kinrys

they all seem like good resources to start and move on from there... and work on specific sticking point, but i'd say don't believe everything use them as guidelines and not as rules, and take them with a pinch of salt. the reason for this was because when I read the Mystery Method, it was well argued and every contingency is planned for, that I couldn't really find fault with the method, And so I believed all the "high value" bullshit that i fucking felt that i needed to one up everybody and that isn't the case, i was able to rescue myself from that mindset by Models, and I really thought it was genuine and it doesn't rely on too much bullshit and is more natural there is no one upping bullshit. I am not preching seduction community but i feel men should know what they are doing, specially if they suck like me, and be just more aware of things.

Perhaps i'd also reccomend
Gifts of Imperfection by Breene Brown since this book really digs somewhat on the self acceptance/self worth/self esteem part and what pick up artist would call 'inner game' ...
I'd say pick whatever books you want to BUT STOP reading too much into it, i became too paranoid and wanted to read every book on pick up out there and that is not the case guys, hope i helped.

TLDR--read books, become aware, know better, don't be a creep but don't be chump either, get informed guys know your shit,

You have to love yourself before anyone else can love you. I understand this isn't the answer you want to hear but it's true. I used to be in your shoes. You have to understand that yes support is great, but ultimately you have to stand on your own feet to be firstly healthy (no one can fight your depression for you) and secondly to be attractive.

I'll leave you a few links that have helped me come out of my hell hole.

http://www.girlschase.com/content/how-overcome-depression

• This guy is a very talented writer. He not only has an excellent article on depression but all of his other articles are great ways to start boosting your confidence in life. Lots of decent dating articles.
  
  CBT - Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has worked wonders for me. I went on anti-depressants for 3 years which was needed at the time, but if I would have combined it with CBT I may have safed myself years of suffering. I'm 100% off them now and feeling better than ever. Try googleing this. This is a good place to start.
  
  http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/cognitive_distortions.html
  
  Get into a routine of going to bed and getting lots of rest. Change your diet to healthy foods. This will help keep junk out of your system that leads to high/crashes and keeps your serotonin pumping.
  
  Socialize, - www.meetup.com is a good place to start if you're not a very social person. They specifcally have "introvert" groups so people that arent used to socializing can get used to seeing other people with the same comfort level. There's groups for everything.
  
  Self-Esteem - Try and boost this as much as you can. I know when I was depressed I had a horrible self-esteem and it's taken years to boost it back up. Again, google has copious amounts of information on this but a book I bought and helped me was
  
  Working out - Not only does this make you more attractive, but way more importantly it boosts serotonin levels and will help you feel better. I can't stress how important this is. I was able to come off Effexor JUST because I began working out heavily. The nice body is a just a bonus, the way it's made me feel is incredible.
  
  www.bodybuilding.com - has a bunch of beginner exercises for you to start.
  
  Dating - Lastly, don't worry about this one too much. I know you're thinking "what the fuck? that was the whole point of my post". The world is hyped up with "quick fixes", you know 6 pack abs in 2 weeks etc. There is no EASY way out, no way to just magically press a button and become this macho attractive person. The most attractive trait a woman can see in you is confidence. You've already been through all this pain with your depression, you can do anything you want but the CATCH is that it takes time. You'll need to subject yourself to a bunch of situations that MAKE you feel uncomfortable, and by having small little victories in each situation you're able to build up confidence.
  
  I'll share a few articles from this guys website that not only helped me tremendously with dating and self-esteem, but with life in general.
  
  

  1 - http://markmanson.net/change-your-mind
  

  
  

  2 - http://markmanson.net/youre-okay
  

  
  Especially #2. Lastly, he wrote a book that I've re-read a bunch of times that is excellent and down to earth dating advice. He's honest and isn't going to sell you a bunch of this "I need to be super macho to get dates" crap. It's all a media hype. Women just want you to be confident, but in order to do that you have to treat your depression and just enjoy life which will take months, not going to lie.
  
  http://www.amazon.ca/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty/dp/1463750358
  
  Enjoy man, you have lots of work to do. consider this the first day of the rest of your life.
  
  

Hey there!

Glad to hear there is another potential animator/artist in the world :)
A lot of your question depends on your budget as tablets can get very expensive very quickly based on size and quality. For instance buying something that lets you draw directly on the screen is going to run you several hundred dollars for the lowest tier models (Wacom Cintiq's are currently considered the gold standard but their monitors and tablets start at over $1000 new so that is out of the question for most people and definitely not worth it for a beginner). So if she's just wanting to explore, a drawing app on a samsung galaxy tablet is a cheaper option that works great for beginners and allows them to work directly on screen. Plus is she loses interest you'll still have a tablet to use for other things.

However most people start with something like a Wacom Bamboo tablet. They are high quality, very responsive, and made by Wacom (the current industry leader) for a much more reasonable price. However you're drawing on a tablet placed on a desk while watching your work on a separate monitor and this can take some serious getting used to. Once you've got it figured out though they're great (they come in various sizes and are used by professionals throughout various industries)!

As for software consider these:
Art/Drawing - Sketchbook Pro

Animation - Anime Studio 10
keep in mind animation programs can be tough to learn so she'll definitely need to watch tutorials online. However this is an awesomely priced option with a lot of great features to make jumping-in easy



If she really catches the animation bug there are two books that are wonderful (although they are thick and may be better for when she is a little older? Up to you but they could make great future gifts):
Animator's Survival Kit by Richard Williams

and

The Illusion of Life by Ollie Johnson and Frank Thomas - Two of Disney's original master animators known as the Nine Old Men

Anyway that's a quick rundown of where equipment and resources stand. If I were you I'd probably go for the bamboo tablet and Sketchbook Pro to get started (for drawing) + Anime Studio 10 if animation is definitely something she wants to explore as all these items are an outstanding value for what they offer.

If things get super serious as she gets older prices begin to jump up very quickly (especially on the software side) but I believe the items listed above should suit her perfectly for at least through all her high school years. As she improves and explores you'll naturally learn what all the tools and options are on your own, as well as what her preferences are.

3D animation as a whole is a different beast that is very computer/technical heavy with a steeper learning curve. So if she wants to start trying that it becomes a whole different realm as you'll need a solid PC and a lot of time and patience when it comes to learning one of the various computer graphics programs out there.

Hope this helps at least a little! Good luck, and feel free to PM any time :)

I could suggest lots of stuff, but I want you to learn to be okay with bringing ANYTHING up. I've told my wife the weirdest stuff and she still loves me (probably cause of my rockin' bod and hairdo). Talking about this kind of stuff used to scare me, but take those baby steps and you'll be on your way!

So, to bring it up I would just tell your husband that you discovered Love Languages today and that you found out yours is _____ and you would like to know his. You can do the quiz that's on the website, or you could even order the book.

If you are scared of him being offended, just reassure him that you want to be the best wife you can be and that you know he wants to be the best husband he can be. It'll tell you a lot about yourself and make you realize what exactly is important to you. Heck, I could even quiz you and probably help you discover your love language just in a few minutes here on Reddit. It's a simple concept, but will have huge effects.

I learned my wife's love language is Quality Time. I thought us being in the same room counted as that. I soon learned that it is much more than that. She doesn't care about being in the same room, but us having trips to ourselves, going out to do something special, and giving her my full attention. Similarly, my love language is Touch. I soon taught her that not all physical contact conveys love to me, so she now knows that instead of just patting me on the back, a kiss on the cheek shows love. There are many more examples so the stuff can get complex from a simple concept.

I think the best part about Love Languages is it gives you an easier way to bring this up. Normally you would probably say, "I wish you would do this more." If you guys read through the book or take the quiz and figure out your love languages it gives you a more scholarly (ie logical) approach to what you need rather than an emotional one. Makes the conversation easier. You could also make a game out of it and just ask him the questions and tell him the outcome and what it was for after you figure it out!

You're exactly the sort of person who will eventually stumble into the seduction community. You could do worse, but first, some warnings...

1. It's like any other group: A belief in self-superiority because of knowledge that the public at large does not have that they regard as valuable. That doesn't actually make them any better.
   
   
2. Do not start playing a character. Of all the advice, all the routines, all the lines, there is no substitute for having an actual personality. Yes, you can pretend to be someone you're not, but that means whenever you're around that person, you have to pretend to be someone you're not. How long can you keep that up for? You're not a secret agent. Be yourself, but be the best version of yourself.
   
   
3. Be prepared for the arms race. You are now in competition with many other men (dozens at a party, thousands to millions in your city, billions worldwide). You are going to win some and you are going to lose some. Be prepared for both. In your case, it's winning that's going to be harder to deal with: It's the unknown. Embrace the unknown.
   
   That said...
   
   > How do I overcome my inexperience?
   
   AndyNemmity said it: Practice.
   
   > Should I ever tell women that I'm inexperienced? (I tried this once and it might've put her off.)
   
   I would say, yes, you should; if nothing else, when asked, but I don't recommend bringing it up. This is really your call. Different people will react in different ways. It's going to take some time to learn what those ways will be.
   
   > What should I do about my emotions showing up like yesterday?
   I think my self-esteem problem comes from my inexperience, but is there anything I can do specifically for that problem?
   
   You are not going for 100%. You are going for 5%. Out of 20, 19 are practice. Act on your emotions as soon as you get an inkling of them. Regret lasts so much longer than rejection.
   
   > I'm starting to use dating sites. Do you have any ideas for my circumstances? (Maybe I should look for a short-term relationship, or more women in the 18-22 range, or older women?)
   
   Every word counts. Give people something to build on. Make sure your profile has lots of things to talk about. You are awesome. You make awesome into a verb. Be as positive as possible: Nothing has ever gone wrong in your life.
   
   When you reach out to someone, make sure that there's something obvious to respond to. Ask an open-ended question about their profile. "Hi, how's it going?" is good enough in real life, but sucks online.
   
   > Is it wrong for me to turn down interested women? (Like the "love" case above, but maybe I should just do it anyway. That doesn't seem fair to anyone.)
   
   It might be right for you. This is something only you can decide. Is a relationship with this woman an improvement in your life? Maybe, maybe not.
   
   > Should I learn/accomplish/do something to stand out of the crowd?
   I try to strike up a conversation before asking someone out to get some comfort in learning a little about them. Is this a bad approach? It probably limits my options.
   
   If you have everyone's attention, you are making an impression on anyone you might be interested in. This is a two-way street, so while it's powerful, be careful.
   
   You should have something interesting to talk about. Otherwise you're just one of the masses, and blending in isn't going to get anyone's attention.
   
   I'll also mention that you might consider getting one of your female friends to set you up. This is likely to be a lot less game-playing. Maybe you want to play games; games are fun, after all, and you probably don't want something too serious right now. You probably don't even know what it is you want. If you do know, tap into your social network.
   
   > If I'm the one keeping a conversation going (by asking questions, introducing topics, etc.), how likely is it that she's not interested?
   
   Very likely, but that isn't your fault. We live in a self-centered society. The best you can manage is pay attention to the things other people say (do not talk to just girls; talk to everyone), and tie back into it later. Someone who is actually paying attention will be genuinely surprising.
   
   On the downside, then you may well become the bored one.
   
   > Are there any books that could help me? Assume I've never read any on this topic.
   
   It sounds like the major issue you're having is picking up on signals. For that, I would recommend starting with The Definitive Book of Body Language; skip to chapter 15, but read the whole thing. I've also seen advertisements for You Say More Than You Think but haven't read it; that might be useful. Really there are any number of body language manuals out there. Read at least one, preferably more.
   
   Consider reading either some of the book by Leil Lowndes (in particular, I'd recommend How to Talk to Anyone), or The Rules of the Game; both will get you started just talking to people. I would favor Leil Lowndes' work just because she seems less sketchy (though she did co-write a paper with David DeAngelo).

Hey man,

You mentioned that you went through some pretty extreme depression. What kind of treatment did you get?

There are some things this subreddit might be able to recommend, but if you're still battling with depression (remember, there's no shame in that) it's probably over our heads.

If you haven't gone through therapy, it sounds like that could be a good option for you. Remember that there is nothing wrong with getting help. Probably you know that (since you're asking here) but it's worth repeating – getting help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

If you can't or won't go to therapy for whatever reason, I highly recommend you pick up "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" by David Burns. You can get the paperback for $6 on Amazon. I think learning about cognitive distortions will really help you, as I can see a few in your post. Even if you do go to therapy, the book is worth a read.

Again, remember that this doesn't say anything about your self-worth. It's just something you're going through right now, but you can work to fix it.

As an example of some things in your post:

>a few hours after I wake up I realize that I can't fix myself

Remember that you aren't broken. You can change if you want to, but that doesn't mean you're broken. I believe in you, and you believe in yourself at least a little bit, or you wouldn't have made this post. You can do this.

>I used to eat healthier, now I'm nothing

You are not nothing. You are a human person, and nothing in the world can take that away from you. There is nothing that can take away your worth as a human being.

>I have time, I'm just not using it properly.

It's awesome that you've realized this on your own. I'm sure you've been thinking through all of this a lot, and the fact that you've reached this conclusion shows some real insight. Lots of people will never admit to themselves that they really do have the time – you're off to a good start with this.

How can you start? I don't know where you're located, but Psychology Today has a simple tool that can help you find a therapist. I'd check it out and, if the option is there, look for someone that does cognitive therapy.

Outside of steps like that, take small actions. Even micro actions. Heck, the smaller the better. These actions should be easy to start and easy to finish, but finishing them accomplishes something, anything, towards making your life better. You can check out the subreddit /r/NonZeroDay if you need ideas (and also read the post that inspired the subreddit).

Baby steps will help you build confidence. They will help you prove to yourself that you can do things that make a difference. Plus, the results of those actions will help you level up your life all on their own.

That's what I've got for you. I hope it helps, and please, please don't hesitate to ask questions or PM me.

Remember, I believe in you.

This is going to be a pretty long-winded post because most of the sentiments you are feeling right now are phases I went through are college (I am currently a senior, and though my situation has improved since the beginning of college, I am still facing some of the lingering effects of depression).

In my belief, recovering from depression has to be practical, personal, and environmental. Practical in the sense that you need to take care of yourself and the environment around you (i.e. cleaning your room (btw, I'm no Jordan Peterson fan; cleaning my room is just an easy way for me to get the day started and feel good about myself), working out, eating healthy, practicing hygiene, meditation, etc). Though it may seem like it might not have a direct effect on you, organizing yourself and your environment does give a sense of self-control and does create a better image of yourself.

As for personal, depression does not simply come from genetics (yes, I know there are cases where this is true, but in my personal belief, depression can also be defined by your past experiences and the environment you are currently in). For me, depression really came from the conflicts I had with my parents and my unpreparedness of going to college. My mom was so desperate for me to get into a good college that she ended up doing my entire art portfolio and I had to write fake comments about what those art pieces meant. Thus, when I got to a college that is well-ranked, I felt like a total sham; I felt like the education that I was receiving was not of my own, but my mother's. I was only able to really figure this out by attending four years of therapy, and even now, I'm still going through some personal struggles. The personal aspects of your life takes time to figure out, but at the same time, is also a great source of clarity.

Finally, the final aspect of recovering from depression is environmental. Without having friends and families nearby, it can worsen the effects of depression because it makes you feel isolated and feel as if you're the only crazy individual out of seemingly-normal people. For me, it's hard to interact with my family because we just did not talk to each other that often in the first place. As for friends, I did have one friend in the beginning of college, but I have felt ambivalent about it because I felt like the activities we were doing together wasn't really improving my well-being (going to bars, playing games, etc). I do appreciate the fact that I had a friend, but looking back, I wish I also had another friend who had my academic well-being in mind as well. Also, I realized that I cannot have a single friend in which I can depend on for all my needs (academic, partying, hobbies, personal introspection, etc). I realized that I need to have some friends (not a lot) that meets my different needs, and that perspective change did open up my field of view as to which friends I can make. I have some friends in which I smoke weed with, make games with, study with, and they're all not necessarily in the same group.

But that leads to the question, what if I don't have friends and family members to lean on in the first place? And that's the catch-22 aspect depression. Without friends and families to connect to, we further isolate ourselves into our rooms, breaking down the practical and personal improvements we have built for ourself. This, in turn, makes it harder to reach out to others in the first place because we're not at our best selves and we don't want to perpetuate this negative image of being depressed and not-in-control to others. Personally, I think depression is cyclical in nature, but there is a way to stop it as well. Otherwise, we would never hear stories about how people were able to recover from depression.

So then, here are some of the steps that I found useful when recovering from depression:

1. If you're experiencing depression during the middle of the semester and see things going downhill, the best I can offer is to try your best and take as least losses as you can. The reason why is that attending to your academic needs takes a lot of energy and concentration, and trying to change for the better half-way through is immensely difficult to do (practicing habits for the first few days is hard because it forces us to be out of our comfort zone). And failing those self-improvement goals makes us feel even more shitty.
   
2. But, when the semester ends, take the time to reflect about what went wrong and what went right. You're not going to have all the answers, and you're going to realize some way through the semester that the "corrections" you made may not be enough. However, small and incremental improvements is much better than none.
   
3. As for maintaining healthy habits in school, I would start off by practicing those habits during winter/summer break. This is the time where you can whole-heartedly focus on creating healthy habits, and by the time you go to school again, it will feel like second nature and you don't even have to put a single thought into questions like: When should I exercise? What should I eat? What time should I go to sleep? (As a warning though, don't try to change your schedule and habits midway through the semester. I ended up doing this and it just really ruined the flow. Stick with the habits throughout the semester, and make adjustments once you are done).
   
4. Start the day right and easy. The way I think of it, going throughout your day is like building momentum. You don't want to tackle the most difficult task at first, as it will wear you out easily. Rather, you want to start with the itty-bitty stuff (brush your teeth, shower, get a healthy breakfast, plan your schedule, etc). And as you finish these small tasks, it does grow into your confidence of doing bigger things. Furthermore, by tackling these small tasks/rituals in the morning, you don't have to worry about the small things, and can reserve your energy for doing more important work (i.e. academics). Motivation doesn't come before our tasks, but rather, occurs while we are in the thick of it.
   
5. Know what kind of therapist you want. For me, I wanted a therapist in which I can talk about my past troubles with and gives me a lot of room to explore those past experiences. And it takes a while to find the right therapist, so don't stress about that too much as well.
   
6. Keep your goals short and simple. For me, I would often stress about what I wanted to do after graduating college, and this stress of not being able to stick to one path in life made me feel completely unmotivated. What ended up working out better for me was to say: "Look, I honestly don't know where life is going to take me, and that's fine. I just know for now, I need to do well this semester, and I can worry about the next step after I'm done."
   
7. Weed and alcohol. First of all don't use this as a crutch to get through depression as it will further your feelings of self-worthlessness the next day. However, if you are currently consuming them and do appreciate some aspects of it, I would only recommend doing so when you're at your best and you're in the company of others. I enjoy my weed and alcohol because it lets me be a bit loose and enjoy my time with friends. However, it does make me feel shitty the next day, and that shittiness can feed int your feelings of self-defeat. I'm not endorsing weed and alcohol as the solution to make friends; I'm just saying is that if that is one of your ways to make friends, then be very careful.
   
8. Leave the room. I often joke about my therapist about my "depression chair" because it's so comfortable and in front of my desktop, I end up not leaving the room and I do nothing all day. Leave the room and go to an environment where it does encourage you to engage with your academics or other activities.
   
9. Try to get a job on campus (I work as a librarian, which is ideal as I can focus on my studies and my interaction with people is at a minimal). Getting a job does enforce a sense of discipline, and hopefully, this discipline can be applied to other areas of your life.
   
10. I also didn't get an internship my sophomore year. What helped me get an internship later on was finding out what internship I wanted in the first place (and it may not be the ideal and ultimate internship, but it was good enough), searching what skillsets they needed, and working on those skillsets during break via personal projects (I am a computer science major).
    
    Here are some resources that I found helpful:
    
    
11. Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy: This book gives you a good set of guidelines in which you can improve yourself. However, this book is practical in nature, so don't expect a lot of personal guidance from it.
    
12. Daughters - You Won't Get What You Want: If the previous resource was practical, I consider this my personal resource. Normally, I don't ever listen to this kind of music because it's really not my taste. However, this album in itself feels very visceral and raw, and is the closest thing to death I can come across. As cliche as it may sound, this music does understand some of the feelings I go through. Other artists/albums that are lighter in tone I would recommend is Car Seat Headrest - Teens of Denial, The Mountain Goats, and Courtney Barnett. When there is no one to rely on, it feels nice to listen to others who are able to understand an ounce of what you are going through.

It's really hard to make the best decision when you're personally involved, and seeking advice from a diverse community like Reddit was a good idea (you can easily filter the trolls and idiots). Without reading all of either thread, I do hope someone with a strong pscyhology background and experience posted some advice. Your sister is not the first to have this problem, won't be the last, and I'm sure the field has dissected it enough to have some insight on the issue.

However, personally, I like a different tack for situations like this. Sometimes, when there's no way out of a problem, the only solution is to go further in. In this case, use a 'jiu-jitsu' or 'aikido' solution - don't oppose your adversary, redirect her.

The problem seems to be that she has both a strong libido and low self-esteem due to that rape (and perhaps just being a young girl in a world that seems specifically designed to twist and distort young women's sense of self worth). Hence she's seeking attention and validation from any old asshole on the Internet. The libido is natural, the low self-esteem is what needs to be solved. (PUtting her in a mental hospital already has one major strike against it in that respect, the very act of being committed is a self-esteem hit, so even if the place is really good, they're already starting at a deficit).

Before talking about the means to that end, lets identify the ideal end. I'm sure you've met women who have it together, smart, have a life, who are spontaneous, flirtatious, happy, and (for lack of an uncliched description) completely comfortable with their femininity and sexuality, and - most importantly - confidently in control. Regardless of their physical beauty, they have a strong sense of their emotional worth to the opposite sex, and no hangups. That's ideally where you'd want her to end up.

So how to get her there? You say she's attractive. In that case, instead of turning her in, it might have been better to sit her down and say something along the lines of 'look, you can do better than needy pervy Internet assholes. There are guys out there who are hot, rich, accomplished, socially skilled, discerning, and amazing in bed. You may not feel you're in their league, and right now you'd be correct. You've got the looks and the libido, but no skills at seduction. And you're certainly not going to learn any from these losers. Worse, you're going to learn bad habits from them, that all you need to do is flash your tits to have them eating out of your hand. But that only works on idiots. There's no challenge, or reward in that, and if you keep at it you'll spend your entire life chasing fulfillment from men from whom it will never come. They'll play mind games with you your entire life, treating you like garbage so you don't realize you can do better, and constantly come back to them for scraps of validation. Real seduction is emotional, psychological (the strongest erogenous zone is the mind). You can do better, but you have to learn how. Heres how'

Eg, speak to her on her own level, and guide her, don't rat her out. And from that point, show her the world of seduction artists, both men and women. All over the Internet now, easy to find. I say show her men's seduction communities b/c it's fascinating to see what the opposite sex is up to, and to understand the 'game' from their point of view. The Attraction Forums are probably the place to start, as is The Game and Mystery Method (although there is better, more natural, less canned/rote/routine stuff, those are good to start with since they've deconstructed the psychology of seduction very clearly, it's a fascinating read even if you never intend to learn and do it).

There are plenty of guides for women too, Mimi Tanner and Amy Waterman being the first two that come to mind (though Mimi is a little more old-fashioned, 'The Rules'-oriented), since I'm on both their email newsletter lists. The point being, all of this can be learned, it's not just some people who have it and some don't. Your sister's libido is never going away unless you med her up her whole life, which really isn't a solution. But if you can redirect her libido, and give it a healthier outlet that helps her feel like an attractive woman with high value to the opposite sex, and puts her in control of her sexuality, her wild emotions, and her relationships with men, I think that would be the best possible outcome for her.

This may have arrived too late, but hopefully it gives you something new to think about. If she hates you now, I'm not sure if you can help her in this way. But if she's still talking and listening to you, maybe you can try something like this. I assume she's got plenty of time to read books now in the hospital.

I don't really know how I could change your mind honestly, because it's just my own personal experience, but I'll give it a go.

I am your height, I am slightly younger than you, 19. I grew up homeschooled, so I didn't have my first kiss till I was 18, I held my first hand at 18 too lmao, safe to say I just didn't interact with girls basically my whole adolescences. Lost my virginity at 19 to my current girlfriend.

So to summarize I am a short homeschooled kid, who has an average face and a skinny fat build, I have literally every excuse to be like you.

But I'm not, I've now had two girlfriends since I started actually trying to date in 2018, and my current girlfriend without a shadow of a doubt is extremely sexually attracted to me. Again, can't prove it to you, but you'll have to trust me.

Honestly I firmly believe most women don't care about height as much as people on the internet would have you believe.

If you're 5'11" and up, your height is an attractive feature, just like a nice face or big muscles. If you're 5'9"-5'7", your height might affect you in your dealings with other men, but I don't give a fuck about other men, to women, your height won't really play a role, except you will be taller than most women, which is attractive. and finally, our height, 5'6"-5'5", our height is for some people, an unattractive feature, but not everyone, and, the best part, we're still taller than most women, at least in america where average female height is 5'4", which again, is what most women care about, their partner being taller or as tall as them. Not to say it's impossible or even hard to date a women who is taller than you, just that many women do find it attractive if their partner is taller than them.

But again, I suppose this is all just based off my own experiences, I've never been turned down for my height, but, to be fair, I am a naturally social and charismatic person, this is an advantage that I was given, as a short guy you do in some ways have to make up for it, and work a bit harder, that's just how it is, fair? no, reality? yes.

And to my final point, I don't know shit, I'm 19, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but oh yeah, you don't know shit either you're TWENTY TWO, do you know how young that is? We're basically still kids man, in the grand scheme of things either of us trying to say anything about life with any extreme degree of certainty like "I've tried everything I could to get a girlfriend, from grooming to lifting weights to getting hobbies" is folly.

Live life and all that shit, we only get one, legit everyone in your ancestral line somehow fucked a girl, I highly doubt you'll be the end of it.

I highly recommend Models, and The subtitle art of not giving a fuck, both are fantastic and great books to read when you don't know what to do with yourself.

Good luck buddy, hope this was at least somewhat helpful.

My girlfriend and I just opened up our 3 year relationship about a month ago and other posters are totally right - it's a journey and I've found this reddit community to be SO helpful (thanks everyone here!) - one thing that really helped me was reading people's sappy posts. Seeing success makes this feel easier.

For the record, I TOTALLY feel you, your second paragraph spoke to my little heart -- I am so certain about my partnership and we were so stable and ready for life before we opened up. It's been a scary process that made me feel uprooted and a heck of a lot less stable. But I truly honestly feel like nonmonogamy is SO good for helping each of us explore ourselves.

I think it's important to be flexible -- when we first discussed opening our relationship we sat down and made a moderate list of rules or boundaries based on what-ifs. But then reality happened and we realized how our rules didn't really speak to the people we really were (example: we had discussed this being open for the sake of rando hookups, but neither of us are all that casual people. Girlfriend especially prefers to have some sort of emotional connection to those she's sleeping with. So things got a whole lot less casual really fast) so we had to reconfigure our boundaries. I am certain that what we currently have set up will still continue to change.

If you've never done this before, it's important to give each other a little slack because sometimes you won't have the right words for what you're thinking and feeling. It's okay to say "this was a problem for blah-blah reason" but try not to get all doomsday about it. There will be a lot of trial and error as you sort through how to communicate and act.

Others are totally right, communicate communicate communicate. If you are feeling something, try not to overthink it and do share. That being said, know yourself -- personally I've blown things out of proportion because I haven't reflected on my feelings before talking about them - now I do a lot of writing and digging into what I'm really feeling before I bring it up and it has been much more constructive.

Don't be afraid to talk about the changes you're feeling or seeing. The relationship will change - how the two of you navigate those changes is what matters.

> I'm torn between accepting that I love this person enough to try to expand in this way and feeling like I'm settling and over-compromising

Oh I so hear that! It's really important that you try not to overcompromise. And I suppose it's worth knowing what it means to you to overcompromise. Are you just saying yes to something so you don't have to think about it anymore? Or is there growth that comes with that decision that you value and so even though in this moment it's making you nervous, you feel like it might be worth it?
Take some time to know what you need and don't be afraid to ask for that. No matter how in tune you are with someone, they're not going to know what you need if you can't state it. example: my partner and I work extremely different schedules and live in different cities (not far, but far enough that spending time together requires effort) - one of my needs is physical quality time together. At first I wanted to be cool and casual, offering that we just promise to see each other at least once a week -- but not knowing WHEN I was going to see her caused some very deep anxiety for me. So I requested that we don't set dates with other people on Sundays so that we were always available to see each other for sure on Sundays, even if it's for brunch before she goes to work, or for the evening when she gets off work (there's a second part of why this is important to me -- in past poly-relationships and even in the very beginning of our opening up, I give a wide berth when my partners are meeting new people. So wide that I'll give up our quality time, and eventually erode our relationship - this is a problem I am working through).
If you live together then you may want to talk about making an effort to have a specific date night, whatever that might mean. If you're living together it can be easy to assume you spend a lot of time together so it doesn't matter, but that time is your regular every day down time. It's important to have some special time.

It's going to take time. It's going to take talking. There are going to be mistakes and you're probably going to learn a lot more about patience and forgiveness. You might feel unsettled for a little while -- give it time. I've seen people say this a lot and it is worth saying it again -- opening your relationship is putting it on Hard Mode. But it's doable and so worth it. My biggest piece of advice is to take the time to sort through your feelings. Take time for yourself. Take time to love yourself.


Here are some resources that have helped me so far:

• Probably everyone has directed you here: More than two
  
• And specifically: More than two: Handling Jealousy
  
• More than Two also has a few bits about being a monogamous person who loves a poly person (just as appropriate for a mono person loving a nonmono): Polyamory for Monogamists
  
• This one feels really basic but it also mentions some very realistic things and helped me to determine things I wanted to discuss with my partner: Clopen Relationships
  
• (not totally just about casual openness but about love as a whole; a really good read nonetheless): casual love
  
• AND. I haven't read it yet but I've seen it suggested SO OFTEN (but don't see it suggested in the other comments) - Opening Up by Tristan Taormino
  
  (edited for formatting errors)

First, know that you are normal. As I discussed in this post today, one study in Canada suggests that almost half of all women may fantasize about dominating other people sexually.

>I want to consume as much as possible before I jump into anything.

Well, since you asked, my specialty just so happens to be in giving people way more reading material than they actually wanted...

• Start with Emily Nagoski's Come as You Are. It's written by a female sex researcher for women, though as a man, I still found it immensely helpful for understanding both my own and my wife's sexuality. Not about kink specifically, but all about self-discovery and self-acceptance, which sounds like what you're looking for right now.
  
• Next, Nancy Friday's Beyond My Control: Forbidden Fantasies in an Uncensored Age. I haven't actually read this one, but I have read her more well-known work, My Secret Garden. That was her original, ground-breaking study of women's sexual fantasies. However, I'm recommending Beyond My Control for you because it is more recent (2009) and deals extensively with female fantasies of domination, whereas most of the fantasies in Secret Garden revolve around female submission (a scandalous idea back when it was first published in 1973).
  
• Optional: Julia Heiman's Becoming Orgasmic. A fascinating read even if you already know how to orgasm. An excellent guide to self-exploration and a wonderful primer on female sexuality. The intended audience is women who have never achieved orgasm through masturbation or are trying to learn how to orgasm with their partner. I read it because I thought it would help me better understand my wife's sexuality and help me help her orgasm in my presence, but what I ended up learning from reading the book and talking to my wife is that she's currently not all that interested in orgasming in my presence...and that's OK. What I'm trying to say is I am not the intended audience but still found it immensely helpful. Nevertheless, it's an unconventional recommendation, so that's why I mark it as optional. But if you do decide to read it and think about gentle femdom while doing the suggested exercises, I think you will learn a lot about yourself.
  
• Optional: Easton & Hardy's The New Topping Book. I haven't read this one either, but I have read the submissive counterpart, The New Bottoming Book. It was a bit "old guard BDSM" for my tastes, if you know what I mean, but I list it here anyway because I see it recommended so often, which suggests it must be helpful to other people. The one thing the Bottoming Book did teach me is that one of the things I bring to the table as a submissive is responsiveness, so now I make it a point to moan like a whore whenever my wife is doing things to me. I can't speak to what the Topping Book may or may not teach you as a dom.
  
  Your post seems to imply that you are not currently in a relationship and want to focus on self-discovery before pursing one. Once you have come to a better understanding of what you want and are ready to pursue a relationship, I recommend the following two books:
  
  
• First, Emily Nagoski's A Scientific Guide to Successful Relationships. Read the whole thing, but know that Part 3 is the most helpful for learning how to communicate what you want with your future partner. The principles of staying over your own emotional center of gravity, self-assertion, and self-protection are worth their weight in gold.
  
• Next, Gary Chapman's The 5 Love Languages. It's not all about sex. This really surprised me, but Chapman's book improved my relationship with my wife and my sex life more than any of the other ones on this list. Some people are turned off by the author's Christian perspective, but his faith is not even made explicit until about halfway through the book, and there's a reason it has 12,674 reviews on Amazon (96% of them 4- or 5-star) and is still the #1 bestselling book on marriage on Amazon even though it was first published way back in 1992. Once you know what you want and how to communicate that to your future partner, you still need to know how to best communicate your love to that boy. It could be touch, it could be words of affirmation, it could be gifts, it could be quality time, and it could be acts of service or any mix of the above.

I thought you were my SO when I read your post!

I can tell you, as a man, in my mid-30's, who loves to cook (raised in a family of chefs), I get very frustrated with a few things when I'm cooking for a SO. Add in: I'm a perfectionist, lawyer who is a stereo typical "Type A to everyone else in the world (MR. Tough Guy, hear me roar!), but I'm really a Type B deep down inside (Roaring makes me exhausted...)." Over the years, I have learned to settle down, but it took a bit: A LOT of patience from my SO, couple's counseling, and reading a few books.

From my perspective, I want everything to be perfect. (I know, I know. It can't be. Working on that...) I want the meal to be plated and put down on the table exactly when the main / sides finish AT THE SAME TIME. It frustrates me to no avail when everything is on the table, and my SO is walking around the house, NOT eating. &%#%#&*@!!!
(╯ಠ_ಠ）╯︵ ┻━┻ (edit: added /u/spaghettirobotti 's emoticon)

But, I've come to realize that's just the way it is.

What has helped me calm down in the kitchen is my SO talking to me in a very, very gentle way about how I'm a perfectionist and I need to calm the f down. She started with a lot of "I feel ____ when you're upset that we don't eat right when the meal is put on the table." "I love that you take the time to cook, and I appreciate it so much. I want you to know my favorite meals, so we can enjoy them together." "It's been a long day, I'm really craving pasta, but I can't eat it because of our dietary restrictions. I've found nuking it a bit in the microwave gives it more of that pasta mouth-feel." Give him the opportunity to be open with you. I'm sure he looks at it as if he's providing for you, he's doing daily acts of service, and he [REALLY] wants to please you and he's being vulnerable with his food (see below, food is art).

Some other things that have helped me. 1) My SO and I started going to couples counseling. Up until then, no one had ever taught me how to be in a functioning, working relationship. Sure, my parents stuck together, but they weren't in the best place and I didn't learn how to truly be in a relationship until my early 30's. 2) I read a bunch of books... Seriously. I found so much clarity in Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. And I figured out how my SO felt loved with this one: 5 Love Languages. Both of these books had such an impact on my relationship.

I totally get where your SO is coming from. It's like bearing your soul to the world when you cook something. Just like an artist or singer showcases their talent and wants positive feedback. It can be tough for men, especially if at one time he was a professional cook / baker, to put their "food" out there and not get great feedback. I say "food" because for people who take cooking very seriously, it's our art.

Cooking healthy can be very tricky. No one grew up with their Mom teaching them the family recipe for spaghetti squash or cauliflower pizza crust. I have found two books that are amazing in this area:
Daniel Walker's Against All Grain Meals Made Simple, and her other book, Paleo Recipes. Walker's primary focus is to collect recipes for people with dietary restrictions / gastrointestinal problems / allergies. I cook 3-4 meals per week from them. If I want pasta, I'll sub out the squash; flour tortillas swapped for lettuce, etc. But the meals are VERY good (my favorites are the Ropa Vieja and Slow Cooker Orange Chicken). It also has a great spaghetti squash recipe. ;)

I hope this helps. Good luck!

I'm sure that a lot of your complaints here are justified but one stood out to me and needs to be addressed. Obviously what I'm writing is only relevant if you really want to work to salvage things. If not, you've gotten some good advice elsewhere in this thread.

> "I don't feel loved." But I just brought you flowers and surprised you with a nice dinner.

As much as you'd like to believe otherwise, this is a legitimate concern and you are just dismissing it. Feeling loved is a complicated issue if you let it be. Or it can become really simple. Different people feel and express love differently. What might be meaningful to you and would make you feel loved might be meaningless to her. And that's ok. Everyone's different. But it is your job to figure out what "being loved" means to her and then it's your job to do whatever that is. The book The 5 Love languages makes this really easy. Figure out what her primary love languages is and then "speak" that language. It makes a huge difference.

I'm not trying to pick on you or make it out to be all your fault. I'm sure it's not. But this is one thing that you've mentioned that you do have influence over. When both parties in a relationship really feel loved it's crazy how many of those other problems can be resolved quickly and easily. And both parties feeling loved often starts with one person making the effort to make the other feel loved. I wish you the best of luck.

As far as anxiety goes if it doesn’t seem too bad you can usually deal with it by yourself. I have tried medication but that just made me an emotionless zombie so I quit taking it. My anxiety is big when it comes to new activities, people, and/or places. After some introspection I believe it may be related to how hard I judge myself and mainly my fear of failure. Before I do most things I like to research so that I can be prepared and not just show up and fail.

When I don’t do that and jump in unprepared and have to do something new the anxiety spikes. I have since come to accept these moments because they happen and will continue to happen. Worrying about it won’t change the fact that is happening. People try new things/situations and fail all the time. Failure is common and an opportunity to learn. Sometimes you win some and sometimes you learn some.

I don’t expect new guys in my shop to show up and perform at the same level as others with more experience. When people try new things it is expected that they might fail. It is normal to fail. If someone points out your failure to make fun of you then they are obviously immature and lacking in manners if they make themselves feel good by putting down others.

> It's so bad now, that I don't see the need for a friend - I could live my life without concern for that, despite having had great friendships, but not without a lover.

As long as you understand that just because you don’t see it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist if that makes any sense. Lonliness sucks.

> I'm sure I've got 1 too many bad reactions to things I've said / how I've said them, that I just don't feel comfortable being "me" from the get go now - & I'm honestly nothing bad!

This is how it works with pretty much everyone in most social situations. You start talking to them politely and little by little letting more of your personality show until you reach a point they are comfortable with. Pay attention to yourself when you are with others and you will see that you act differently with different people.

> For example, I was at a part-social, part-work related get-together, with my younger teen siblings present. I was sitting with them & 2 girls who I knew from work. So, me being me, saw some matches & went to show them a trick whereby I made a match jump erratically. My siblings obviously were amused along with previous partners, but the reactions from the 2 girls were literally, "I don't get it", belittling dialogue & yawn. I'm not Houdini, but it was just a little musing - not a date pick-up line or something :/

So they didn’t like it, big deal. You can’t make everyone happy. What do you mean “not a date pick-up line or something”? Is that what they thought it was but you weren’t trying for that or something else?

> Just wondering if there are any other sectors that are viable, like the cushy life of School (though I blew uni. 3 years of solitude went by fast).

Not sure what you mean here. Also, I never went to a university.

> I'll possibly also try picking girls up through the controversially sexist PUA concepts with a twist - I'm going for love instead of one night stands.

Do not become a PUA practitioner. Not being yourself with others is deceitful and employing manipulative techniques to win people over with a false you will result in nothing but heartache and letdown for both parties involved. There’s a reason the saying goes, “the road to hell is paved in good intentions.” Good intentions do not excuse bad practice. Don’t you want someone to love you for who you are?

I wouldn’t want to be with someone who fell for the fake me over some manipulative techniques. By all means though go and explore the PUA community and form your own opinion. I’ve already done that and you can see how I feel about it.

> The skill of socializing Is something I'm going to need to work on - but is this something only available via practice in the real world / deep end?

Do scientist go out and practice real world applications without first researching? Some yes but most of the ones that make progress do not. We are past the age of being young and dumb were it was acceptable to make many mistakes socializing. As adults we are expected to at least be good at socializing and practicing social norms. Some of use are behind the curve and that is where the greatest information resource of all time comes in. I’m talking about the internet , of course, but books too. Now start researching but remember book smarts alone aren’t always enough. You must combine book smarts with experience to have a more fruitful outcome.

> This really is my current & largest ever life goal.

That makes sense because in a world full of people being able to properly socialize is one of the most important skillsets.

Here are some of the resources that I have used and have gained knowledge from.

r/AskMen

r/AskWomen

r/Bumble subreddit for the dating app

r/datingoverthirty You may not be over thirty but there’s still a lot of good advice in there

r/malefashionadvice if you want to expand your wardrobe

r/relationships

r/sex

r/socialanxiety

r/socialskills

r/swipehelper and by extension SwipeHelper.com This is a good resource for Tinder.

r/Tinder

r/WritingPrompts because you said you like writing

Photofeeler for getting feedback on pictures you may want to use in the online dating sphere

Books;

How to Win Friends & Influence People The book was written a while ago so the situation may be outdated but the principles can still be applied today.

Models: Attract Women Through Honesty

From the description;

> “Models is the first men's dating book ever written on seduction as a purely emotional process rather than a logical one, a process of connecting with women rather than impressing them, a process of self-expression rather than manipulation. It's the most mature and honest guide on how a man can attract women without faking behavior, without lying and without emulating others. A game-changer.”

The Definitive Book of Body Language: The Hidden Meaning Behind People's Gestures and Expressions

We can continue our discussion here but if have any questions in the future I am just a PM away. I don’t have all the answers but I am willing to share my experiences.

How do you measure the success ? Wealth ? Fame ? Both are not worth pursuing and you already know that, since they don't bring happiness to life. Two things come to my mind:

1. Instead of comparing yourself to your "more successful" peers, try to compare yourself to those "less successful". Practice negative thinking, image how would your life be without the things you have, the things you take for granted. Take this even further and sometimes practice living without those things (practice minimalism), if possible. This way, you will start to value more and want things you already have, instead of things you could have. This is what I try often and what works for me. I've got this from my favorite Stoic book: A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy . Read the corresponding chapter to understand more :) the author is so good at explaining these ideas. I definitely recommend to read it whole, it is an amazing book.
   
2. Practice more compassion and empathy. Approach any human interaction with compassion in mind. Try to understand and listen to others, what makes them happy, what are their worries. No matter in what position the others are, try to connect with them on a very deep level. You will soon realize, we are all the same and we face the same problems in life. No matter what our wealth or fame is. Those two things do not relate to happiness at all. I believe that as a byproduct of this empathy practice you will naturally stop comparing. When it comes to compassion, I recommend: The Art of Happiness, 10th Anniversary Edition: A Handbook for Living . I have only started reading the book, but I like it very much so far ! It focuses more on importance of compassion and understanding others (instead of focusing on yourself as in Stoicism). I feel that I started being more compassionate and empathetic naturally with age, but I definitely agree, that it makes me incredibly happy. And not only during the communication, but overall in life ! However, before, I had no idea what empathy means, or better said - I had completely wrong idea. This book helped me to understand what exactly it is, and how it is done correctly: Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life . Basically it means just to listen and from time to time to ask about feelings. Not giving advice, or making things sound easier, or giving your similar experience. We do this so often, it sounds like empathy, but instead it disconnects us from others. Very much recommended read !
   
   Hope this helps man, good luck ! You are already doing a massive good job by being super honest with yourself and sharing this problem and all its details. This is not an easy thing to do and requires a lot of ego-gymnastics.

As a "unicorn", I feel I can add a little advise:

• Always be forthcoming about your intentions with everyone you interact with. When you talk to your bf, leave it clear that this is something you want to explore with him by your side, and perhaps emphazise that you aren't doing this because he isn't enough. One of the couples I have gotten to know is super cute. He sees her liking FFM 3ways as someone who wants to eat a PB&J sandwich. Why restrict yourself to either PB or J when you can have both??
  
  I feel you have gotten a lot of advise as to how to approach your bf. I want to add more in terms of how to approach girls, as, forgive me if I'm wrong, but I'm thinking is more likely than not that he will agree to proceed. In my experience men tend to be pretty understanding and supportive of their gfs/wives being bi and wanting to bring a girl into the bedroom for both to play with. ;)
  
  
• Once you talk to him, I'd recommend you guys play along different scenarios and come up with ground rules and boundaries. You both need to agree on those BEFORE you try and find a girl. As a third, it is clear when a couple is looking for a third because they are in a stable relationship and want to play like that, and it is also clear when that isn't the case. I have personally ran in the opposite direction when I've met couples who are the latter. It's a lot more fun to join a established couple who knows how to have their fun ;)
  
• Finally, be forthcoming with the girl too. I'd highly recommend reading "The Ethical Slut" and "Sex at Dawn". It is hard to find willing girls. Once you find one, I'd recommend you find a subtle way to leave it very clear to her that you are meaning to explore/play, not to have an emotional relationship. Unless you do want to do that. But most definitely leave your boundaries clear to the girl.
  
  Let me know if you have any questions. Best of luck! ;)

> my info: im a super nerd. like i follow the pro starcraft scene and love space, science math etc. in really tall and am fairly lanky.

That's not necessarily bad... but if you want to do well with women, you'd be well served to not look the part of a "super nerd." Dress fashionably, but with a unique edge that sets your style apart from others. If you need help figuring out how to do that, hit up some of your female friends for advice, peruse GQ or Esquire or Mens Vogue, whatever.

> I tend to only have crushes on best friends and my last crush was when i was 17 (different person). Ive been caled a sweet heart and get frustrated when guys are disrespectful.

Guys get like that when they are scared to break rapport with women, and the only thing they can do is try to use pure "comfort game" to get close to the girls. Unfortunately, the result - as you may have noticed - is not usually favorable. Building comfort is important, but you have to do more... if you want girls, you have to project the vibe of a confident, mature, masculine, "in control", sexual man who "gets it." The "nerdy, insecure, shy, awkward teenage geek" vibe is a lot less effective.


> Ive been caled a sweet heart and get frustrated when guys are disrespectful.

You probably have both Nice Guy Syndrome and a touch of Disney Fantasy. I highly recommend you read the Dr. Robert Glover book No More Mr. Nice Guy, and the Neil Strauss book The Game. The former should help you understand more about asserting yourself, establishing boundaries, and being more authentic in your interactions with people. The latter will blow your mind in regards to understanding how men and women interact.

After that, it might not hurt to read Way of the Superior Man by Dave Deida.

Also, to disabuse yourself of the notion that women are all sweet and pure and innocent and virtuous and made of light (or sugar and spice and puppy dog tails, whatever) spend some time reading stuff like My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday, or The Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex by Barbara Keesling, or Chelsea Handler's My Horizontal Life.

Finally, read Sperm Wars by Robin Baker. That will make a great many things much clearer.

Female here, but have been in the same boat. Grew up super isolated, so I spent a lot of my 20s on my own and really lonely. Now have several solid friendships, a lot of acquaintances and dating prospects. So, I see myself as a success story. A lot of people on here are saying they’ve given up or feel hopeless, but I’m here to tell you it can change.

That loneliness shit is universal/literally an epidemic at this point. It has a lot to do with how our modern society is structured; hyper-independence is lauded, but actually unnatural. It’s not a reflection on you and your likability or lack there of.

(read “Loneliness - Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection” for more info. It helped me see it wasn’t something inherently wrong with me, but just something everyone experiences. Some people moreso because of practical things like not socialized properly in childhood, lacking skills, etc. It also gives a lot of info of how to get out of the lonely headspace). https://www.amazon.ca/Loneliness-Human-Nature-Social-Connection/dp/0393335283

Also therapy, both individual and group, helped me learn social skills and build connections that got me healthier socially.

(Read “Attached” to learn more about how your style of relating to others may be unhealthy, with guidance on how to improve it.)
https://www.amazon.ca/Attached-Science-Attachment-Find-Keep/dp/1585429139

Basically, a quick recipe is:

1. See the situation as cause and effect, not having anything inherently to do with you as a person or your worth. You’re lonely because of circumstances (that luckily you can control), not because you’re not likeable.
   
   
2. See it as a choice. You’re not helpless. There are things you can do. First, find your blind spots/blocks (with a therapist if you need help seeing them).
   
   Is it: a lack of social skills? You can learn those. Tons of psych articles out there.
   
   A lack of confidence? Start building it through changing your thoughts about yourself (cbt, self-coaching, etc). And figure out things that make you happy and do more of them.
   
   A lot of social (and normal) confidence comes from how others treat us, so if you’re not getting a lot of positive feedback from other humans, get a pet that loves the shit out of you, some online pals, or GET A THERAPIST. A good one will make you feel valued and respected and welcome. Those feelings and that long term connection will build our confidence subtly but naturally.
   
   
3. Go out more and do the things. First figure out what you enjoy, and then find social ways to do it. You could see a movie on your own, or start a movie night at your place. You could play games by yourself, or join a league. You could work on your car yourself, or join some enthusiasts club (idk I’m trying to think of dude things). You could take up knitting at home, or go to a knitting circle. Whatever it is.
   
   
4. Mitigate Expectations - don’t go to a non-primarily-social place and hope/try for a best friend. The person behind you in the grocery store probably isn’t looking for that when you guys exchange a quick comment about the line length. Or the cashier probably doesn’t wanna have a three hour convo. But still chat these ppl up (platonically). Make small talk frequently. Just engage in the world/people around you. It builds social confidence and breaks through isolation in quick bursts. But do talk to people more.
   
   And then when in very socially-focussed environments, see if there’s anyone that YOU find interesting (instead of focusing on whether or not they’ll find you interesting) and go talk to them. Aim for having a good convo and maybe being fb friends. Take it from there.
   
   
   You all got this, dude friends. There is legit hope/resources out there to change, both tour mindset and your situation. I believe in you!

Where to begin? In general, you can start by reading up about this. One well recomended book is Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships and The Ethical Slut. I think reading about this would help you inform yourself about non-monogamy and help remove your bias, even if this lifestyle is not for you.

About that. You had one relationship that didn't work out too well, and then made a blanket decision about everyone who's non-monogamous because of that. That's not fair, it would be like being mad at all waiters because one gave you bad service, or hating a gay person because one gay person was inappropriate and aggressive towards you, or hating a race or nationality of folks because you had a bad experience with someone of that race. Your one non-monogamous experience with your ex is not indicative of all non-monogamous people or all non-monogamous relationships. You are not in the position to judge someone else's life path, you don't have enough information to do that. Some folks may be emotionally broken and unable to control their sexual impulses but they don't have to be non-monogamous to have these issues. There are plenty of non-monogamous folk that are cool, emotionally healthy and grounded, and respectful of their primary and secondary partners, just as there are folks who have healthy monogamous relationships. Blanket judgement doesn't help you wrap your head around the problem.

All that said, based off of your little post here it seems to me you are just getting to know this new lady, and you're talking about what interests you both sexually. You like her, and you want her to be happy, but you have to consider yourself as well. You may not be the kind of person who can handle a non-monogamous relationship. You may do everything right, communicate, make sure mutual trust is established and maintained, reassure each other when you're feeling insecure or inadequate, and still not be emotionally ok with the situation. We have to honor ourselves as well as be good giving and game to our partners. If you ignore those twinges and don't at the very least talk about what is bothering you, those feelings will fester. If I were to make a guess that might be a part in why the last relationship didn't work out.

At the beginning of every relationship trust needs to be established and built on, this may mean you will need her to be monogamous with you for a time. Maybe not forever, but for you to feel secure you need to know her and build that trust (and to give yourself time to learn more and to roll this around in your head). She may not be ok with that, she might want to start open and stay open always. If that's the case you two are not compatible, and that's ok. Better you find out now than to get yourself all twisted over something that will never work out. My point is that for you though, you clearly need time to establish trust and security at the very least, and you may never be emotionally ok with having your own relationship be open. She may be ok with that. Y'all need to talk this out and be clear about what you're ok with. Be clear with yourself too. You don't have to have all the answers, but you should at least be honest with her about what bothers you about this. Maybe you can work it out, but saying nothing will most likely lead to this not working out. Communication is the key to all successful relationships.

Good Luck

Here you go:

The NUMBER ONE thing that helped my BPD tendencies was meditation, which I did as part of getting sober. It allowed me to find a pause between the emotion and my reaction. I still FEEL the same shit I used to - but I do not feel controlled by it any longer.

My favorite meditation teacher is Tara Brach. She posts all of her meditations online and on her podcast. Her book 'Radical Acceptance' was a life changer for me.

I also use a lot of binaural beats meditations (you can find these on Spotify or YouTube, I use the Profound Meditation Program by iAwake Technologies).

I have immensely enjoyed Sam Harris' book Waking Up which is about developing a spiritual practice without religion. He has an excellent podcast but it is expressly NOT about mental health, I just think he has a lot of great perspective to share.

Susan Elliot - Getting Past Your Breakup - this book looks like a cheesy self help book but it was awesome. Really really wonderful exercises. I also got her workbook.

Susan Anderson - Journey from Abandonment to Healing - this book was the first one I read, it was very helpful in understanding the science of what is happening in rejection and abandonment. This was useful because it allowed me to see my reactions were very, very normal.

Vicki Stark - Runaway Husbands - very specific book about men who walk out without warning. This helped me identify warning signs and feel less alone.

Lessons From The End of a Marriage - this blog is from Lisa Arends. Her story is hard to read. But this is the best divorce blog I've ever read! Such wonderful advice here.

Glennon Doyle Melton - First the Pain, then The Rising - I watched this every single day for a month. For a while, it was the only fucking thing that got me out of bed.

Overcomer podcast - hosted by a woman I met in one of the support groups, just lots of great insight on abandonment recovery.

Attached - great book on attachment theory

DBT Workbook - this is a GREAT resource on how to build distress tolerance and skills to face a lot of BPD type issues. DBT was a therapy style designed for BPD.

Edit to add: Forgot the best one!

Pema Chodron - When Things Fall Apart - Pema is a buddhist nun and I absolutely love her. She became buddhist when her husband left her. This book is incredible. So much wisdom! I always carry my Pocket Pema with me, literally Pema is THE BEST! She also has a lot of recorded talks that I find so calming to listen to.

Just a few things that come to mind:

Self-Awareness> There are a lot of ways to work on this and most of them are worth trying. An effective goal might be to find some things that work for awhile, and prepare yourself to seek out other options when those don’t offer the same effectiveness. I’m pretty sure that when we dedicate the time to it, we provide ourselves with information that empowers us to make the decisions that bring about our idea of success.

Expectations> Most of us don’t want to fail. A lot of us feel like if we don’t meet the expectations that we’ve set for ourselves then we’re failures. This often causes some of us to avoid things that we feel we won’t “succeed” at. Hey, I’m not saying we shouldn’t set high goals for ourselves... but when we don't meet our expectations, maybe we could slowly get better at treating ourselves with the kind of love and encouragement that we would extend to our most loved of loved ones when they "fail."

Exercise> God damn it I hate exercise. I wore a button in fifth grade that said: I’m too out of shape to exercise. I’m thirty-nine now and I’ve still never had a consistent workout regimen. For a lot of us, this shit is probably harder than everything else we’ll consider in this thread. But there’s plenty of evidence to show that when the rest of our body is functioning at a more optimal level that we have more tools to work with, and that our tools are more effective. I hate exercise.

Group Discussion> Last year I attended an intensive outpatient group therapy program. This was my first experience with group therapy and I freaking love that shit. I learned that the gems to mine from this experience have very little to do with whoever is leading the group or which organization is providing the facility... as long as you feel like everyone is given the opportunity to share without reproach. Empathy is what it’s all about. The more courageous you are about sharing your struggles, the more empowered your fellow group members will be to do the same. When empathy is flowing freely most people are able to recognize some of their own cognitive distortions, AND help others find their own. Not every group is going to function well, but I think it’s well worth the effort to find on that does. You might start with looking into a DBSA group near you. My advice would be to look for one with 10-15 attendees. If you've got insurance that will cover it, you might check into an Intensive Outpatient Group Therapy program offered by a local hospital.

Books> These are just a few that have offered me some help—and a few that I just acquired but haven’t read yet.

Willpower: Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength

Incognito: The Secret Lives of the Brain

Tribe of Mentors: Short Life Advice from the Best in the World

Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy



Also, this is me patting you on the back lovingly and then turning it into a hug:



Did you feel it?



Disclaimer: I’m currently doing pretty poorly at all of these things.

Seems like a couple of things going on here: one, how you are feeling, and two, how to make real friends. First, if you are willing to try reading a "self-help" book to feel better then I would recommend the book Feeling Good by David Burns. He basically identifies simple ways to get passed typical thoughts we all have that cause us to feel bad so we can start feeling better. It helped me a lot when I needed it and I've never really gone back to feeling bad the way I used to. I used to talk myself into feeling bad but now that I'm aware of how I was doing that, I know how to avoid it. If you are not into self-help books then just forget it.

Second, making "real" friends is more complicated because there is no checklist to know if someone fits in the real friend category. Each friend is unique and you kinda have to take them as they are. Think about this, everyone in the world is just trying to figure things out like everyone else. No one but God (you said you're religious) really knows what life is all about--even your parents. The saddest and loneliest person, and the person who seems to have it all together, each one is just doing their best to make it in this world. We are all the same in that way. Knowing that everyone struggles helps me realize that everyone needs "real" friends just as bad as I do.

That leads me to some actions that I take that help me make friends (some friends are closer than others). I try to treat people kindly knowing that they are struggling in the world too. Even people who are annoying or I don't really like that much. I know they have troubles too so I try to be nice, smile, hold the door for them, pick up something they dropped, whatever. When you're kind to other people that way, it can actually make you feel better about yourself as a human being--especially if you are NOT expecting to get anything in return. It doesn't mean these people are going to be your friend. But you would be surprised about one thing. Other people will notice that you are a kind person and most people want to be friends with kind people. Don't you? Also, when you are happy with yourself for being kind, it can actually make you feel better about yourself. People will notice that too, that you are happy with the kind person your are. After that, friendship depends on how much time you spend with each other talking, eating meals, playing games, whatever. If you don't spend time doing things together, it is not possible to become real friends. The more time you spend together doing things, the better friends you will be.

I'm glad you wrote this. Obviously you are not suffering alone. We are all just trying to make it in this world. It's nice that we can help each other out a little bit.

Hmm. Sounds like a lot of negative bias (...went and got better friends...How do you know?). Unless you suspect/know that as a friend, you haven't had any real practice at making, having and keeping a good friend or two. I've known people who had tons of friends, and were always going off to do something or other in some group or another. That wasn't and isn't me.

First things first, let's get rid of the negativity. This book was recommended to me by my therapist. I link it this way so you can read the reviews and an excerpt. It's been in print for over 20 years, so there's definitely something there. I have given several copies as gifts to friends and family.

I felt better (in a "Hey! I'm OK! And it's going to get better") -kind of way, after the first section (50 pages). If you can be honest with yourself, you can change the way the life looks.

Since it's been in print so long, it's almost definitely at your local library.

Oh, and the "being a better friend" part of everything? It will take some concentration, and maybe even some list-making, but, can you picture the person you admire most, because of the way they treat people?

That's the template for you. Write down everything that impresses/pleases/surprises you about that person.

There's your "personal improvement list". But I'll spot you one. If you want to become closer to someone you've met, ask if there are any "get around to it" projects you could help them with. Shared labor, donating time for a less-than-wonderful task just because you like the person, these are some of the things that cement a friendship. Go out of your way to help the people you really like, ask nothing in return, and come and go from their presence with a smile on your face. You will be thought of as a good person to be around just on those qualities alone. "Cast your bread upon the waters" is the way the Christian Bible puts it


Friendship is either stupid easy, or it requires some maintenance, like perennial plants. But as Vince Lombardi said, "Once you set a goal for yourself, the price you pay is immaterial".

If you believe you can be a better level of friend, you've got nothing to lose but your loneliness by trying to help yourself attain that goal by changing your worldview, vis-a-vis what it is that makes a "real" friend. If you ask 25 people what makes a good friend, I bet you get 18 different answers. Just find the right ones for you.

First off, it's totally ok to be vanilla. If you're truly not interested in rough sex, that's totally legit. You shouldn't feel guilty or pressured.

The absolute first step is to talk to her. You've got to be honest and communicative in your relationships, especially on sensitive issues like this.

As far as where to go after that, you have a couple choices here. If you're willing to entertain the idea of rougher sex, then there are resources that can help you. I've never personally read When Someone You Love is Kinky, but the authors are amazing and I've heard good things. You could pop over to /r/BDSMcommunity and get some advice over there. You could get on Fetlife and get advice there. There are lots of people out there who understand these issues really well, and they can help you work through it.

Ask her what she specifically wants you to do, and see if you can imagine doing it for her pleasure, as a service to her. If you recognize that what you see as unpleasant, she finds pleasurable, it might help you deal with it. Maybe you'll even eventually get into it. You obviously have some serious issues with violence, and maybe consensual and loving play with the appearance of violence will help you process it. But maybe not.

If you decide that you just can't give her what she needs, you've essentially got three choices:

You could see whether she's willing to give up the idea of rough sex. If it's just a passing fancy, that might not be a big problem. If it's a bigger part of her fantasy life, however, it might not work so well.

You could also break up with her. Sexuality is really important, and it's not shallow to break up with someone for sexual reasons. I get the impression you don't want to do that, however.

The final possibility is that you could discuss ways she could get her kinky needs satisfied without your involvement. An open relationship can go a long way towards fixing issues with sexual compatibility. There are a whole range of possible relationship designs that might work better for you than ordinary monogamy. On one end of the spectrum, you might find that you two take to polyamory easily, and just go all the way towards openness. On the other end, you might be able keep a lot of the normal structure with a couple tweaks. I know a lot of people who are generally monogamous, but who are allowed to engage in BDSM play under certain conditions (nothing involving genitals is a pretty normal rule, but you can choose the rules that work best for the two of you).

If you decide to go that route, come talk to us in /r/polyamory. The two best books are generally considered to be The Ethical Slut and Opening Up.

My wife and I are also both bisexual high school sweethearts! A little different from your situation since we're both women, but pretty similar. We have been together for 7 years this month and have been nonmonogamous (in some form or another) for about 3.5.

My biggest advice is to never, ever forget that the third (or fourth or..) person is a PERSON. So many times, even now, my wife and I have found ourselves making decisions that affect someone else we are seeing between the two of us - and then it turns out that the other person did not want whatever we had decided.

I really highly recommend checking out More Than Two or The Ethical Slut (I like the first better but it's definitely a personal preference thing, many people in this subreddit swear by one or the other). When you're first starting out the biggest thing is that you don't know what you don't know - these books are hugely helpful resources that I wish I'd had BEFORE I made most of the mistakes in them.

Like others have said, I would definitely say date separately. If someone winds up wanting to date both of you or it happens organically, great, but don't force it. Dealing with jealousy is really hard and there's no one-size-fits-all solution - you've just got to communicate, communicate, and communicate without guilt or shaming. Also, FWIW, we started as just hookups and my wife has mostly stayed there but I wound up with feelings so I actually have a boyfriend now, too.

The not enough feelings will definitely tie themselves up in your jealousy. They are HARD stuff. IMO, you need to remember that 1. you have value and you bring something to your relationship, your husband is not with you just to humor you and 2. if your husband says he still loves you and is still attracted to you, he is telling the truth and you should trust him. Obviously everything is MUCH more complicated than that, but those are two things that have come up for me and my wife over the last few years.

Feel free to PM me or ask any other questions! I'm actually writing my Master's thesis about polyamory so even though I don't know that much myself I can probably point you toward an article or two that might help! Good luck. :-)

My husband and I are in an open relationship, also both 27. but we just got married last month so we're still super into each other, just also into other people :) We have been reading The Ethical Slut together and I think it's a wonderful introduction to an open lifestyle - it covers all the possible permutations of an open relationship and it's a funny read.

Relationships, open or not, are completely different for everybody, but I will tell you our "rules" in case they are helpful to you. We only consent to having safe sex with others, and we immediately tell the other person if we fuck it up (like a condom comes off in the heat of the moment.) I don't get mad if this happens - I just care about keeping us both stay safe and healthy. Also, if either one of us decides to "veto" something, like a new lover or a situation that for some reason makes us uncomfortable, they have that right. As a culture, we don't really have a vocabulary for discussing these things with each other so it takes a LOT of talking to help work through why something feels wrong, or feels great, or makes us worried or makes us excited in a new way! I have found that these discussions have really turned up the heat just between my husband and I as we discover new things about each other.

Lastly, there's a concept in the polyamorous community of "new relationship energy." When you have the hots for someone you just met, it's often more juicy than your existing long term partners. Enjoy it! But don't mistake it for a greater love than the one(s) you already have. Lust is lovely, but it isn't love.

I hope that this is helpful to you and please feel free to PM me if you want.

Reading is great. Yes, you do have to get out there to learn social skills, like some are saying here. However, you can also learn a lot from other people's experience, which is what a book is. Use books to supplement what you are learning from your actions. Some good ones:

• HTWF&IP, like everyone else mentioned. A classic for a reason. Not everyone will love it, but you need to find out for yourself if it suits you.
  
  
• Choice Theory by William Glasser also really opened my eyes, in terms of managing relationships. It really showed me how trying to change other people is really at the root of most relationship problems, especially romantic ones. It also helped me realize just how much we control our own minds, and how we can change more about ourselves than we normally think.
  
  
• The Game by Neil Strauss introduced me to the "seduction community". I had no idea social skills could be studied in such a methodical fashion. And despite the negative reputation, there is a lot of wisdom to be found in those circles, that can even help you in a relationship or in other aspects of your life.
  
  
• Various books on salesmanship, which is social skills put to a direct professional use. Nothing especially great jumps out in my mind, but a lot of these books are pretty short. Go to a used book store and pick up a few.
  
  
• One Phone Call Away by Jeffrey Meshel. It is about professional networking, but this applies to personal "networking" as well. What I learned most, is that networking is really about looking for opportunities to put two people you know together for their mutual benefit. In other words, to be a good networker, you need to go network to help out people you know. By doing that, your own network expands, and people are more likely to help you in return. Karma basically. This also helps in your personal life. Its like the old-timey tradition of hosting a dinner party and then introducing two friends of yours who don't know each other but you know will get along well.
  
  
• Various books on pop psychology. Understanding how people think (including yourself) can help you socially. I think this is especially important for relationships / friends / family, and it can also help you protect yourself emotionally from the wrong kind of people.
  
  
• Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. A lot of the problems people have on this reddit are really "emotional" ones. If you know you have to talk to girls to get a GF, and you want a GF, then why wouldn't you talk to girls? Your logic is sound, but your emotions (fear, low self-esteem, etc) are what prevent you from acting. Understand your emotions and they will be your second brain, making you twice as smart. Fail to understand them and you are a slave to them.
  
  Social skills is a really broad category and really involves a lifetime of study. What could be more rewarding than having quality relationships with family, friends, significant others, etc? Its worth putting the effort into continuous self improvement here.

I went to one AA meeting when I first got clean and never went back. I understand people have found support and success in it but to me, personally, I felt it only increased the stigma of drug addicts as these broken hopeless people barely hanging on by a thread. It's an outdated system that relies on little science or attempting to progress the participants and relies more on holding people in place and focusing on the past. Instead I just worked towards becoming a normal person. Here are some of the resources I used:

r/Fitness - Getting Started: Exercise is probably the #1 thing that will aid you in recovering. It can help your brain learn to produce normal quantities of dopamine again as well as improve your heath, mood, well being and confidence.

Meetup: You can use this site to find people in your area with similar interests. I found a hiking group and a D&D group on here which I still regularly join.

Craigslist: Same as above - look for groups, activities, volunteer work, whatever.

Diet

This will be the other major player in your recovery. Understanding your diet will allow you to improve your health,mood, energy, and help recover whatever damage the drugs may have done to your body.

How Not To Die Cookbook

Life Changing Foods

The Plant Paradox

Power Foods For The Brain

Mental Health

Understand whats going on inside your head and how to deal with it is also an important step to not only recovery but enjoying life as a whole.

Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy

The Emotional Life Of Your Brain

Furiously Happy

The Science of Enlightenment: How Meditation Works

Educational

If you are like me you probably felt like a dumbass when you first got clean. I think retraining your brain on learning, relearning things you may have forgot after long term drug use, and just learning new things in general will all help you in recovery. Knowledge is power and the more you learn the more confident in yourself and future learning tasks you become.

Illegal Drugs: A Complete Guide to their History, Chemistry, Use, and Abuse

Why Nations Fails

Ideas: A History of Thought and Invention, from Fire to Freud

The Modern Mind: An Intellectual History of the 20th Century

Thinking, Fast and Slow

The Financial Peace Planner: A Step-by-Step Guide to Restoring Your Family's Financial Health

Continued Education / Skills Development

EdX: Take tons of free college courses.

Udemy: Tons of onine courses ranging from writing to marketing to design, all kinds of stuff.

Cybrary: Teach yourself everything from IT to Network Security skills

Khan Academy: Refresh on pretty much anything from highschool/early college.

There are many more resources available these are just ones I myself have used over the past couple years of fixing my life. Remember you don't have to let your past be a monkey on your back throughout the future. There are plenty of resources available now-a-days to take matters into your own hands.

*Disclaimer: I am not here to argue about anyone's personal feelings on AA**

Hi, first some background. I am currently in the hell process of getting my first industry job. Keep getting interviews/test but so far I haven’t gotten a job yet...though it’s only been two months since I finally started to apply haha. I originally applied for RISD MICA MCAD SVA Art Center and CalArts and I got accepted into all of them besides CalArts, which I got waitlisted for. Every school I got into offered me scholarships but once I factored in living/food I still couldn’t afford it. So I swallowed my pride and went to community college for a few years then besides reapplying to art schools I decided to make a hour and a half commute every few days to take classes at Concept Design Academy, Which I’m still currently doing. My original plan was to go to Calstate Long Beach or Cal State Fullerton, both have really good animation programs but I could live with my family while I went.


I’m so happy I didn’t go to a traditional art school. I was about to reapply when one of my friends who now works at Dreamworks told me to just do Concept Design instead. I trusted her opinion since she went to SVA and graduated and ended up not having the exact skills she needed for employment and she was super in debt.

I’d say it’s 50/50 with people I know that attended college and currently work in the industry, other half did what I am doing/didn’t get any higher education, some of my closest friends are currently attending SVA. I’m going to be honest most think it’s useless and wishes they went to a state school with a good art program rather than SVA or did what I ended up doing.

If you really want to work in TV/Movie animation look into Concept Design Academy in Pasadena CA or CGMA online or something similar. If you are dead set getting a degree I’d recommend looking into state schools. Art school isn’t worth the debt. If you have to take on all the loans yourself it’s not worth it it will destroy your credit forever and you won’t be able to move where the industry is.

This is about art center(where I originally got accepted and planned on going too) but all my SVA/MICA/RISD friends have similar experiences

http://ghostbri.tumblr.com/post/178516711920/dude-i-really-wanna-go-to-art-center-what#notes

This specific artist also has great resources for finding alternative education.


DONT RUIN YOUR LIFE BC YOU FEEL LIKE YOU WONT SUCCEED IN THE INDUSTRY WITH OUT ART SCHOOL. THERE IS OTHER WAYS.


If you live in/around LA area or are willing to transfer:
http://conceptdesignacad.com/

https://animationguild.org/about-the-guild/education/

https://laafa.edu/


Online recourses:

https://www.cgmasteracademy.com

https://www.schoolism.com

https://www.theanimcourse.com/courses/

Alternative book based educations:

The Animator's Survival Kit: A Manual of Methods, Principles and Formulas for Classical, Computer, Games, Stop Motion and Internet Animators https://www.amazon.com/dp/086547897X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_U7xwCbZNA4X74

Framed Ink: Drawing and Composition for Visual Storytellers https://www.amazon.com/dp/1933492953/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_m8xwCbE8TH4VS

FORCE: Dynamic Life Drawing: 10th Anniversary Edition (Force Drawing Series) https://www.amazon.com/dp/1138919578/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_U8xwCbTRGJHWJ
(This one is currently out of print because they are changing the cover it should be back in a few weeks and be around 15 bucks)

Also here is a few good YouTube channels:

https://www.youtube.com/user/ProkoTV

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCS3ZMbzTOXdDuJlhAZuXgaw

https://youtu.be/uDqjIdI4bF4


If you(or anyone reading this) have any questions please feel free to DM me!! If I don’t have a direct answer I know one of my friends that work in the industry will and I could ask. Art School isn’t the only way to obtain a good quality art education and a ton of talented artist make it in the industry without it!

Also sorry this is so LA centric, I grew up in the great LA area and currently work exclusively in it so it’s all I know in-depth.


Quick Edit; I’m a purely 2D based artist. I work mostly in concept and I’m currently working on transitioning into Boarding/Revisions. I don’t work on the animation end of these but that’s Bc most outsource to other countries now.

Hopefully I'll give a bit of a different perspective here. First, I'm a male dating a female who is married to a male, so I have some experience with this. I completely understand where you're coming from here. Your emotions about this can be changed with a few important, albeit tough, decisions from you.

Right now, your "mental programming" is in a space of jealousy, no matter whether is light or heavy jealousy, you're still feeling somewhat possessive of your BF. Think of it this way: It's your birthday. You get a birthday cake. Are you going to keep it all for yourself, or are you going to share that delicious cake with everyone who is at your party? This is a bit of an obvious one, you want to share the good thing in your life with the friends you have here at your party. Now let's narrow that down a bit. You have an awesome guy that you can call "boyfriend", and you get to share that awesome experience with someone who thinks he's awesome too. You two have something in common; you both think this guy is awesome.

First, pick up a copy of Tristan Taormino's Opening Up. This is a great manual to all of the feelings and communication you need.

And especially since we're in the Poly subreddit, I'm surprised that more people haven't pointed you towards compersion. First, you need to become comfortable with your poly/mono situation. The rest of this will never work out until you do. Next, you need to find some solidarity/love/like with your metamour (your BF's GF). You would ideally consider her a friend, or at least find solidarity in the fact that you both love and care for this man. At that point, you may start to feel, as many friends do, like giving a gift to your friend. How about the gift of getting your communal boy all riled up? The caveat here is that you have to genuinely have the thought of giving behind your actions. You can't say to yourself that "He's having sex with you, but I'm the one he's thinking about". Thats kind of shitty. You have to genuinely be giving about the situation.

A recent example of my own from this week: GF and I don't get much time together because of conflicting work schedules, so maybe 2-4 hours together twice a week. Her husband works at home, and is on the phone a lot, so sex is kind of troublesome to schedule. We go out shopping or some such for an hour or so, and when we get back we get some cuddling in. (We're both champion cuddlers and need like 30 mins a day of good solid loving cuddles.) When we kiss goodbye, I'll sometimes give her a small orgasm by playing with her, and then intentionally send her to her husband to get some playtime. And he and I are on the same level about this thing. She gets worked up and I have to leave, so he takes over and they have a great time. Yes, I orchestrated that, but I'm not throwing him a bone, I'm genuinely giving a gift to both of them.

In closing, it will take time, but if you are committed to being a good partner to a poly person, you may want to consider intentionally working to create compersion in your relationship.

Sorry for the novella, lol. :)

If you've never had the connection you now want, but got married anyway, that was your initial mistake. But hindsight is 20/20 and I don't think it's necessarily an unsolvable problem, especially since he seems willing to work on it.

It takes a lot of effort to break out of 5 years of bad habits. But you can do it! I think you could do it without counseling, but if you hit a wall or either of you is feeling really unhappy, or communication is not improving, please go see a therapist or counselor since they can help a lot.

Be sure you're setting aside dedicated time to discuss and work on your relationship. The time and effort you both put in is an investment, and if you pull through it will pay off immeasurably. Then start by each taking the Love Languages test. Discuss your answers. Read The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, someone who has studied relationships for years. That book includes a number of exercises to work through with your partner, and I think it would be an amazing help to you in connecting with your husband.

Another idea is that since you want to drastically step up your relationship with each other and break out of the disconnected rut you're in, think of other ways you can spice up, change, and improve your life. Consider rearranging your furniture. Taking a weekend trip to someplace new. Starting a new hobby together (maybe something like salsa dancing or ballroom dancing). Working out together. Taking a class to learn a new language or skill. Whatever sounds like fun! Connecting the relationship work you are doing to a shift in another area of your life (particularly one that is fun, novel, exciting) will help you feel like things are really changing and different, and will keep you invested in the relationship progress you're making. It's easier to connect when you are on the same team, doing things together and sharing the journey.

Lastly, you say he does "husband things" and you do "wife things". Consider mixing it up. If he's the one who brings you flowers on anniversaries, how about you bring him flowers for no reason whatsoever other than that you care about each other? If you usually eat lunch out during the workday, how about he wakes up early to pack you one? Look for ways you can break out of your current habits of showing affection, which aren't working, and look for new ways to make each other happy. The Love Languages test should offer some great insight into the best way for each of you to start.

Whew this got wordy in a hurry. Sorry for the wall of text.

Look at it this way: Both of you did things to each other that were very harmful for your marriage.

I am not excusing what she did, because stepping outside the marriage, even during a period of separation, is not a good idea.

BUT...at the same time, having anger issues and taking them out on the mother of your children is a pretty serious betrayal of trust, too.

You're both carrying baggage right now, and both of you are hurt by what has taken place in the marriage. Now what?

If you want to heal this marriage, you definitely can. It is going to take:

• A lot of humility. Humility is being able to admit that you screwed up, even in the middle of an argument with your wife, even when your pride is telling you that she's wrong, too, and she needs to be the one to apologize first.
  
  
• A lot of grace. Grace is realizing that she's made mistakes, and will continue to make mistakes as you try to repair your marriage. Grace is being able to recognize that neither of you are perfect, and it took you however long you've been together (dating and married) to get here, it will take longer than a few months to rebuild trust, and learn new ways of communicating with each other that are healthy.
  
  
• A lot of forgiveness. You're going to have to learn that forgiveness is a process, it is a journey, not a one time thing. You're going to have to learn that you will forgive your wife for something today, 5 months (or even 5 years) will go by and suddenly something will trigger you and you have to go back to this place and start all over with the forgiveness. And you have to learn to forgive yourself, in the same way, for all of the things you did to your wife.
  
  
• A lot of work. You both built this marriage into what it is today. It took a while to get here. It will take a little longer to get to a new place. Both of you will need to focus on the process, not the immediate results. There will be good days and bad days as you rebuild. Chances are very good that the two of you brought a lot of baggage into your marriage from your childhood. Sometimes you can work through that together. Sometimes you need the help of a third party professional to sort through some of that stuff.
  
  
• A lot of communication. In my experience, most married couples today lack the fundamental basics of healthy communication skills. It is probably the leading cause of marriage dissatisfaction in this country. Our society does a horrible job of encouraging healthy, honest communication in relationships. Books like Love and Respect and The 5 Love Languages can help you learn to work on those aspects of your relationship. It can also help you realize that your marriage is a living, breathing entity all to itself, and it requires the same kind of investment, time, and nurturing that your children do if it is going to be successful.
  
  
• A lot of community. Many people on Reddit cringe when they read stuff like this, but I have lived my life both ways, and I can attest to how much better it is this way. You need people in your life who you can go to and talk about your marriage in a healthy way. Not "my wife is a raging bitch, I need to figure out how to change her" gripe sessions, but rather "I am really struggling with how to change the way I react when she doesn't like something I said. I always get defensive and lash out. WTF am I doing wrong?" If you don't have a friend who can look you in the eye and give you an honest, helpful answer to that question, without judging you (or worse, telling the rest of your friends about it) then you don't have community. Living out your life and your marriage in isolation is another reason why so many marriages fail. We can't do this alone. You need 2-4 couples who are in the same season of life as you are (kids near the same age, you guys reasonably close in age. Older couples who are grandparents can be AMAZING resources, but they can't be your only inner circle.) Where to find these people? I would suggest checking out a local church. Visit a few churches in your area for a while before settling on one. Look around while you're there. Is it mostly older people? Do they do the ritual, stand up, sing a hymn, sit down, listen to the preacher, stand up, sing a hymn, walk out and go home without sticking around routine? Probably not a great place. Do you see a lot of younger faces close to your age? Do they have kids near your age? Do they linger in the common area after the service and talk to each other? You might have a finalist for your home church. If you're atheist/agnostic/not sure right now--forget about the faith aspect for a little bit. Trust me when I say, 90% of the beef most Americans have about organized religion has to do with the people running those organizations and their completely warped interpretation of scripture. If you find the right church, you'll realize you have found the churches that get it right. At the very least, it is something to consider. I've seen more marriages saved through solid, loving church communities than I have through all the "family counselors" in my area combined. And some of the strongest marriages I have seen rebuilt have come from the ashes of an infidelity situation.
  
  
• A lot of leadership. One thing I have realized in the last couple of years, our society and our media have done an amazing job of emasculating men and conditioning us to believe that we're chauvinist pigs if we try to be the leaders of our families. The reality can't be further from the truth. Look at all of our society's biggest ills, and you'll see many of them associated with the tag line "they didn't have a strong father figure in their life." The success stories of Kevin Durant and other athletes who overcame single parent backgrounds are the outliers. We're conditioned to believe that if we lead, we're being dominant and harsh. Good fathers and family leaders are never authoritarian assholes. They make sure that everyone in their family, starting with their wives, has the support they need to become the people they're meant to be. We're not absolute dictators. We're counselors, coaches, negotiators, lovers, shepherds...whatever it takes in that moment. And if we're doing it right, our spouse feels loved, respected, honored, and valued in their own right as a person and as a mate/equal partner in their marriage. And your kids see a man who is the model of what a father and husband is supposed to look like. They'll want to find a man like that in their life later on. Wouldn't you rather they got married to a guy like that? Or would you want them to marry the guy you were when you had anger issues? If nothing else, remember that it's not just you and your wife that are affected by all of this. Your kids are in the middle of all of this, and they don't get a vote in the outcome. They just get to suck up all of the consequences, for good or ill. Trust me, the majority of those consequences are ill. Put their needs before yours right now, if your pride is getting in the way of letting you try to work out your marriage. Your kids will thank you for your humility and your sacrifice later on in your life.
  
  TL;DR: You're not wrong for feeling hurt and resentful. But don't let that hold you back from making the right decision to fight for your family and your marriage.

>For the princess thing I very strongly recommend reading a book.

Amazing book... I used to do the same
thing you describe of not listening to my wife's body language when she is clearly not in a receptive mood. After 20 minutes of what you see as "giving", but she experiences as "bothering" or "just looking for sex", she's annoyed, and you're horny and feeling rejected. The book gives concrete actions to avoid this situation and drastically increase your odds of successfully initiating sex, while giving your wife the non sexual reassurance and affection she needs.

On a side note, it sounds like part of the problem is that your wife just doesn't feel sexy. Are you able to talk honestly with her about her weight? Do you prefer her at her current weight, or would you prefer if she was smaller (or bigger)? Dr. Jason Fung's blog, IDM, had a lot of information on intermittent fasting that can be very helpful if losing a few pounds would help her to feel better about herself.

My wife has always been very toned, athletic and curvy. After three kids she was feeling like her body was sagging, despite the fact that she still looked fantastic. I tell her almost every day how sexy she is, but she consistently brings up how her boobs are not as big as they were while she was breastfeeding (she's a solid, perky B cup) and her core just isn't like it used to be (she was a swimmer in high school, has great muscle tone, and has a small waist compared to boobs and hips). Lately, we have both been doing more exercise and a one day a week 24 hour fast, and she has lost about 5 or 10 pounds. Honestly, she looks great now, but she looked equally great 10 pounds heavier. But now when I look at her and tell her she looks great, she checks herself out in the mirror and says "yeah I do!". She is now much more confident, and I'm sure that has something to do with her starting to initiate far more frequently in the past few months.

Hello 90-dayers!

I think this is a great initiative. I was previously at /r/BTFC, which I found extremely useful to get focused on goals. As there will be many changes for me in the next months (taking a leave of absence), good to have a place, community to track my progress and focus on my goals. This is my first 90 day challenge, so I'm somewhat lost on procedure, I'll wing it!

++++ Stats ++++

• M/35/183cm
  
• Current Weight: 88kg
  
• Highest Weight (2012): 93kg
  
• Lowest (recent) Weight: Either current, or need to go back in time to when I was 17, as I've been putting fat on progressively (thus my username of becoming_dr_slump).
  
• Current Body Fat: 25%
  
• Diet: Mediterranean, with too many sugary snacks.
  
• Exercise: YAYOG (Currently 1st class, week 4) + occasional biking + some running + occasional Kettlebell
  
  ++++ GOALS FOR FITNESS & DIET ++++
  
  Diet: Clean eating. Quit sugary snacks. I eat more or less cleanly, except for chocolates on sugars. By October 22, I am extremely proud that I've eaten sugar free on 80 of the 90 days.
  
  
  Fitness - Sprint 1: July 15 - August 13: I am feeling strong as I'm on Week 7 of Yayog 1st class. Also, I feel the burn from doing Enter The Kettlebell 3 days a week.
  
  Fitness - Sprint 2: August 19 - September 17: I am walking tall and confident as I've finished 1st class. To celebrate, I ran my own sprint triathlon on rest week.
  
  Fitness - Sprint 3: September 23 - October 22: I am strong and generous as I'm in the next 10-week program, week5. I can complete a Turkish Get Up with my 16kg Kettlebell. And do a pistol on either leg without it.
  
  I have no goals on dropping weight, as long as it remains around current level or lower. But I'll be tremendously pleased if body fat goes down to 20%.
  
  ++++ GOALS FOR SPIRITUAL CARE ++++
  
  In the last six months, I've become aware of a lot of crap heritage I carry on my shoulders from growing in a narcissistic family. I need to do a lot of cleanup as I choose to (1) have a good life, (2) stop the cycle of narcissism so I don't become narcissistic myself and (3) build an alternative mindset for me and my family. The narcissistic circle finishes with me.
  
  
• By Oct 22nd, every single week, I've taken time to review my goals, the blueprint for the life I want to build, plan action and adjusted my plan. And taken time to care for my mindset and goals.
  
  
• In sprint 1, I feel liberated and full of energy, as I complete all the exercises on The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living: A Guide to ACT: Russ Harris, Steven Hayes:
  
  
• In sprint 2, I'm a generous and happier recovering nice guy, as I've completed all l the exercises on No More Mr Nice Guy: Robert A. Glover. Plus another difficult book.
  
  
• In sprint 3, I've read 4 more difficult books and done exercises. Books to be determined based on needs I determine in the next month.
  
  ++++ GOALS FOR PROVIDER ++++
  
  By Oct 22nd, I'm confident on my future as I've built a local network of work contacts of 50 people, and identified 10 new positions I'm going to apply to for my next position.
  
  ++++ OTHER ++++
  
  I need to clean up a lot of my psychological heritage, as it's negatively affecting my relationships and life in general.
  
  I start a leave of absence this summer, to recharge batteries and reconsider next career moves.
  
  I will travel to my country for one month with my kids (source of fun and stress), which will allow me to better understand where I come from and how is my family working.
  
  
  ++++ Let's Be Friends ++++
  
  I'm on Fitocracy. I invite you to friend/follow me/message me!
  
  Also, if anyone else on Europe time, support PMs & checks are an option. PM to discuss (never done this one before, seems like a good idea).
  
  Good luck, everyone! We can do this!

It seems like you are on the right track! You were able to create an environment where you mostly stopped this behavior until it was triggered again. Have confidence in yourself and what you have done to get to this point.

It sounds like visits are causing her trauma cup to overflow with pain. To reduce the level of trauma in the cup, she needs empathy and positive support. Try validating her feelings: "sometimes it can be hard to remember how things used to be; it's ok to miss your mom and be mad at her at the same time" etc...Giving her her wishes in fantasy can help sometimes: "I bet you wish you could stay in the backyard all night playing!" and then allow her to talk about what she would do before transitioning back inside. The classic book How to Talk so Kids will Listen has great advice for supporting children's emotional needs: https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=asc_df_1451663889/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312610812881&hvpos=1o1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=11106678324434262084&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9006806&hvtargid=pla-406475557415&psc=1&tag=&ref=&adgrpid=61194519294&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvadid=312610812881&hvpos=1o1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=11106678324434262084&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9006806&hvtargid=pla-406475557415

I've had some luck with playful engagement for snapping kids out of the "bad kid" role they sometimes learn to play in their attention starved homes. I'll act shocked and aghast and pretend to look all over the house for the "real" child's name. Or I'll pretend we are acting in a play and they are playing a role and then transition to the "scene" ending. TBRI has advice on this or read The Connected Child. https://child.tcu.edu/about-us/tbri/

First-then statements can help with predictability, trust, and felt-safety. "First we are going to clean up our toys, then we will go to the park etc..." If-then is also helpful for stating consequences when needed.

Reading her books at bedtime that explain the foster care process (she may have anxiety about returning home or suddenly being moved to a new family) and reassure her that you care about her no matter what. I absolutely love the book "Love you From Right Here." https://www.amazon.com/Love-You-Right-Here-Keepsake/dp/163296029X

Building in some sensory/regulation support proactively would probably be a good idea. Google sensory diet. You could also make a routine with a picture chart for her to help her sense of predictability. This is why playing outside likely calms her down. http://www.psychedconsult.com/uploads/5/5/2/7/5527771/9060909_orig.jpg The idea is that you do something every two hours like hopping on a hopper ball or carrying something heavy to help keep her brain and body calm.

Spending 5-15 minutes every single day no matter what to play with her one on one and use the PRIDE skills can cause remarkable change in just a few days. You can't ever take the time away though, no matter how poorly she behaves that day. http://www.impactparenting.com/storage/post-docs/PRIDE%20handout.pdf

Using time ins instead of time outs is a better practice whenever possible. Of course, as an adult, sometimes I am really the one that needs 30 seconds to get myself in a good place so I can be effective, so taking a quick time out first is sometimes needed for me. https://www.circleofsecurityinternational.com/userfiles/Downloadable%20Handouts/COS_Time-In.pdf

THIS IS PART TWO of my reply. Read the other one first.

> I figured I might ask you this, since you seem to be a very down-to-earth guy

Just a little further down the road than you are, that's all.

> I really don't want to check pickup-sites for advice on this sort of stuff.

Banish that thought from your mind right now. Granted, PUA (Pick Up Artist) sites and books are typically manipulative and somewhat sociopathic, dating advice books and websites are a goldmine of information that you NEED to check out. I felt the exact same way as you did, and I held tight until I was 32 years old and realized I was about 15 years behind the times.

All my friends know how to date, and did things in the books and websites. Why do you want to ignore the advice and information that is the answer? Are you trying to learn to ride a bike ... alone ... with your eyes closed ... and your hands in the air? "You're gonna have a bad time."

Here are some must read books:

This one turned my world upside down. It was hard to swallow at first, but he is a genius. Please take the time to read it. If you do, and try even 5% of the advice, you will be 5% better than every guy out there who tries nothing.

http://forum.bodybuilding.com/attachment.php?s=f10601b34e3f24d3d3a978a08060b7ce&attachmentid=6412303&d=1385621786

This is a great book. I firmly believe in being honest with women, which is something you lack. This is a major flaw in your approach and personality. Essentially, when you do not make your intentions clear, you are a liar, a scumbag, a cheater. That is what is most detrimental to you as a person. You also have to learn to be honest with yourself.

http://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty/dp/1463750358/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1426259631&sr=8-1

And the guy who helped me understand women:

http://www.askmen.com/dating/doclove

Read his articles. Think about your past situations. See how they apply. I strongly recommend you buy his book, but check eBay for used copies first. The book is poorly written and organized, but it's the most brilliant advice on the planet. It's just so obvious.

> I'm not so good at the flirty-type of conversation;

So get out and practice. What I did was to go to the local upscale mall, where all the women who were working were drop dead gorgeous, and I'd go into each store and tell them I was looking for a gift for my friend who is a girl - but NOT my GF. I'd then ask them what they suggested was cool. Then they would suggest something and I'd playfully laugh and say something like "No, really? Oh come on, is that the best idea you can come up with? Did I mention I actually LIKE my friend and don't want her to hate me? What else do you have?" I'd smile big, laugh, and generally make her try harder to impress me. In the end I would walk away and say I'd have to think about it. But practicing like this upped my game tremendously.

The most important thing to do is NOT say the first thing that comes to mind, but rather the SECOND or THIRD thing. That second thing sets you apart from all the other guys who say the same things.

> my first relationship (which ended up being 2 years) happened when I was 18, and basically we talked online for a bunch of nights in a row, then I invited her over and we watched some Breaking Bad, and a second date later I asked her quote "Would you want to go out with me?" and that was that.

Yeah, but you were 18. Now you're 21. You're an adult. Women are adults. It's different now. You have to grow or you will be left far, far behind.

> Thanks a ton again for talking with me, really appreciate it.

You're welcome.

Now, let me ask you this - what other woman have you seen around school who you find attractive? How are you going to ask her out?

Tip: First dates should always be on Sun-Thurs night. NO first dates on Fri or Sat nights. So, if you get a number (your goal), wait 4-5 days to call her, then offer a date on a weekday night.

I don't know what your wife likes, of course, but I can tell you want I'd like if I were in her shoes:

1. Massages. But not necessarily sexual ones--don't make her feel like she HAS to have sex with you after the massage is over, even if she is getting partly naked for it. Put on some relaxing music (YouTube is good for this) and use some body oil or lube. If your hands start getting tired, just simple stroking along her back will feel amazing.
   
   
2. Bring home flowers after work, or even just from the grocery store when you go to get food.
   
   
3. Get her a piece of jewelery on her birthday or an anniversary or whatever. Personally, I find necklaces to be the best because I wear them the most--perhaps you can try to see what she tends to wear on a day to day basis. My boyfriend tends to get me practical gifts (or no gifts), but I would probably die of happiness if he got me jewelery that he picked out on his own without me having to beg for it.
   
   
4. Pick up a chocolate bar that you know she likes and surprise her with it. (or some other food she loves, if not chocolate)
   
   
5. Cook dinner without her asking you to (assuming traditional gender roles here, sorry if I'm wrong). It can be something easy, just do it without prompting and then enjoy a nice dinner at your dining table. Or, if you normally cook, pick up one other chore that's usually hers (washing dishes, or laundry, or whatever).
   
   
6. When you're out and about running errands, do "chivalrous" things for her like opening the car door, carrying the heavy bags, letting her order first, serving her first, etc.
   
   You said she doesn't like traditional stuff, so perhaps flowers & jewelery aren't up her alley. But who knows? Maybe they are. It's worth a shot. The biggest factor in "romance" for me is knowing that my partner actually thought about me and chose to do something that would make me happy without focusing primarily on his own wants and needs.
   
   I'd also suggest reading the book The 5 Love Languages when you get a chance. :) Good luck!

Look for a lineage that speaks to your heart. Mastering the core teachings of the Buddha is the best direction for myself personally, which I found from this podcast which led me to this kind of wacky 3 part video, which inspired me to read the book. There is a free pdf of the book linked from the author's website. Time is probably better spent just going with something then flittering back and forth and always looking for a path but never walking one.

If you can manage to get yourself to a buddhist retreat do it. Practicing every moment every day for a week or so is incredible and I think inherently perspective/insight changing. I'd recommend studying what to do on retreats beforehand, so you are better able to practice effectively in every moment during the retreat, and better able to communicate questions to the teacher. Honestly, if you make a ten day retreat with some knowledge of what to do, and just keep on trucking through it to the end, you will probably reach insights & samadhi/jhana intensity which will make weed/alcohol appear essentially boring, and which will also really establish a pretty unshakeable Saddhā in the Dharma, with a strong sense that you know where you are going and how to get there (and a sense of how much it will actually take to get there.)

Put some dharma talks onto your phone/ipod. Listen when you drive/clean whenever seems appropriate. Joseph Goldstein is one of my favorite speakers to listen to. He's repetitive, but so are the original texts. Here is his kind of epic 46 part talk over 5 years on the Satipatthana Sutta.

I always use a timer for formal practice for myself, 20 minute sits etc., the fact that I may sincerely need to do something else timewise (eat, bathroom, pay bills) or be actually hurting myself from a certain posture for too long will require my attention otherwise.

Also, the world outside of practice is hard, especially when the heart is open. I've found The way of the Superior Man and especially some torrentable live discussions of the authors to be the most useful perspective I've come across for trying to deal with practical reality & relationships.

Metta my friend, may your path be easy and true.

You sound a whole lot like me a few years ago. I could have pretty much written this post, with some family specifics changed a bit. So here's my advice based on my experience.

What you're going through is totally normal and common. It might not seem like it, especially if you don't have friends who are going through similar circumstances, but it is. Even if you have a great relationship with your family, moving back home after college can be rough. After being gone for a few years and having total freedom away from family, moving back home can feel like a step backwards, even though it's not. It just means that you're coming into the 'real world', and that requires a certain amount of time transitioning. It's not easy, but you'll get through it.

When I moved home, I didn't expect to be living there for longer than 1 year, but it ended up being 1.5 years. It's not a big deal, just keep in mind that it may take you more or less time than you expect to get on your feet and where you want to be. Once you do have a solid income, take advantage of cheap or free rent (if you are so luckY) living at home to pay off as much student debt as possible (assuming you have it), or save as much of an emergency fund as possible. If you want to feel independent person while living at home, rather than a guest/child, being financially independent is important.

I also struggled somewhat with anxiety/depression during this stage of my life. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adjustment_disorder is a thing and I ended up being diagnosed with that when seeking help. Basically, big life changes can be rough, surprise! Don't be afraid to seek help is you're really struggling. As time passes you will adjust to your new situation and things will get a bit easier. Regarding your Edit on depression, those are definitely things you could explore with a competant therapist, if you're so inclined. If you want a cheap option for working through depression, I can highly recommend this book: http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-The-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336. It has been extremely helpful for me personally.

As for what you want to do with your life... I know it's hard, but don't worry too much. It's totally OK to not know what you want to do with your life at 22. Most people probably don't. As long as you are making a consistent effort to find out what you want to do, you're fine. And you have plenty of time left to enjoy yourself once you're employed and have money. What you may find as you grow throughout your 20s is that there is more time in life to enjoy yourself than you may currently realize. In terms of your generral post-transition year anxieties, I think things will become clearer once you're closer to the end of this year. There are probably too many unknowns for you to properly plan yet.

For meeting new people, meetup groups are nice. Consider a local reddit group if there is one. Find a social hobby. Yes, it can be uncomfortable or awkward or trigger social anxiety to go to these events, but the fact is that if you can get psat that you'll be healthier and happier if you're meeting new people right now. Having those social experiences will make getting through this phase all the easier.

Maybe not all of this applies to you, but I hope you get something out of it. Regardless, best of luck to you!

I was not prepared for this, but I may have just read one of the best book reviews of my life about your captain's The Game:

"I know I'm taking a risk by even acknowledging its existence and my familiarity with its contents. It may not be interpreted kindly that an Orthodox rabbi (in training) reads *this* widely. But this book tells a story of ethical tension that is, hands down, the most powerful treatise on morals and group dynamics I have ever read. Period.


I found it at once the modern man's sefer mussar of choice, and the endgame of every single Reality TV show every made. But it is not for everyone.


You'll know if it's for you after reading the first 10 pages.


(The first 5 are here: [http://www.amazon.com/gp/reader/00605...])


THE GREAT novelty in this book is simple: credibility. The author walks down roads, and perhaps comes to conclusions, that ultimately reflect an eerily familiar set of values. However, this presentation is backed up by his experience, and so we trust his authority.


And who is "we"?: non-authoritarian, ethical, sexually aware (not necessarily active) human beings who thoughtfully approach the question: What kind of relationship is a good one? Because before we even seek an Other, we must choose: wordless college hook-up, one-night stand, short term "friend", long term friend "to have fun with", companion, life partner, or spouse/best-friend to start a family with. This book may make you question your unconscious assumptions or conscious decisions in this area.


(I admit my assumption that female readers can also gain these things from a man's story.)


Authoritarians ask their authorities (clergy, philosophers, etc.) and skip the discovery process I describe. Unethical people should have little interest in the book, as ethical-tension is the book’s essential content, and they can get more direct material online. Finally, sexually -unaware or -sensitive folk (e.g., modest or religious individuals) won’t stomach the mildly graphic descriptions of what the protagonist lived through – ignorance is bliss, for them.


Understand:
A 'pickup artist' is an amateur social scientist who adopts a language of "technology" complete with acronyms and jargon in order to systematize interpersonal relations: in this specific instance, how to get girls into bed. With the internet as catalyst, they formed a community, granting the unprecedented ability to share knowledge and methods.


The author is an NYT and then Rolling Stone reporter who, born and raised a geek, discovered this community of pickup artists. To make a long story short, he mastered the "art". How did it change him? Does power corrupt? Esp. power over sexuality?


The book is selfish. I.e., it is about self-discovery, self-esteem, self-worth. It is about the connection sex has to the self, and reveals much about the modern cultural condition. It also tells a story, and effortlessly, such that rays of life’s truths stream though the filter of (every) author’s unavoidable sins of omission. You will learn what you want to from the book, and therein lies the "danger" in my recommendation.


Full disclosure: I vicariously got something out of my system, learned about the human being, and myself. It validated many concepts I have about friendship, group dynamics, and honesty. It also serves as a warning about the evils of backbiting and gossip, misogyny, and coveting. It has, in its way, said the same thing as such classic Jewish works as Mesilat Yesharim and Orhot Tzadikim (though they say much more as well), and modern day "classics" like Magic Touch and the entire Gila Manolson oeuvre. It complements Wendy Shalit's "Modesty" nicely. I am not a fan or groupie: I am engaged to a woman who has trebled the joy and light in my life, and opened up new worlds to me, my teacher, my student – so I am not a consumer of this. And the only habit I have adopted since reading the book is to smile whenever I walk into a room of people I don't know. Though perhaps, that is life-changing enough..."

Fuck it man, I feel like dropping a bunch of tips I have off the top of my head. Disorganized style.

I was a complete loner up until middle school. Found some guys that picked on me, but otherwise let me hang around them. I was the butt of their jokes, but that was enough for the attention. Then highschool came around, blah blah blah, really my point is, I know what lonely feels like. I haven't been long-term lonely for ages, but its a familiar feeling when it hits and I haven't talked to any friends for a week or I get left behind on weekend plans.

Here's my tips, in no particular order. This isn't a prescription, this isn't goddamn instructables. Also, I'm going to assume you're a man. Well, today you're a boy, but what you want to be is a man. (not like manly vs womanly, but like manly vs childish)

• Exersize. Build your testosterone. It's natures little motivation, attractiveness, happiness drug, and you don't need any shady dealer to get it, just work out. (also, if you're a gamer, think of testosterone as mana. Masturbating takes away your mana. Keep 'batin' and you'll never have full mana)
  
• Value your hobbies and encourage yourself towards the ones you like that are more social. Don't change who you are or stop painting warhammer figures, the point is to load up on conversational ammo; which is my next point:
  
• When you do things that make you happy, don't just smile to yourself, make it a habit to say to yourself, "OH MAN I CAN'T WAIT TO TELL SOMEONE ABOUT THIS!" If you're nervous, or just aren't terribly excited about sharing this with a person, practice on your dog, or a sock puppet. NOT YOUR SNAKE PUPPET YOU SICK FUCK, READ POINT 1
  
• Study things like How to Make Small Talk or learn body language because chances are you're missing out on a ton of the non-verbal and sub-text conversation that people, on a daily basis, have when meeting one another.
  
• Give self-improvement a shot /r/seduction, /r/getmotivated, /r/socialskills, or any of the fuck ton of other awesome communities reddit supports. A lot of them circlejerk or have pointless crap, but I know from my own experience there is a lot to offer if you really dig around and read, read, read.
  
• Once you've got these basics down, step up to more detailed things like, practicing your hygiene, fashion, and weekend activities. If you don't think those are important or relevant, you are without a doubt not aware of their connection to how people treat you. Go read on /r/loseit about how people transitioning from 250lbs to 150lbs notice how they're treated differently EVERYWHERE THEY FUCKING GO.
  
• Realize that there is never just one tip or quick fix for any significant frustration. It takes dedication and motivation (READ POINT 1) across many disciplines to truly truly become anyone you want to be.
  
  Where should you start? I want you to read this. specifically (and if its the only part you read that's good enough) part in the very beginning titled "MEET STYLE". Yes, the book is The Game. It is a super controversial book on the seduction community, and take it with a huge fucking grain of salt. Ultimately though, the book offers a great way to approach a problem of social frustration, but the specific 'seduction' methods are a mix of misguided and out of date. (That's not the section I remember reading, I'll try to find what I was thinking of, its some manifesto to self improvement) It was the one book that kicked off changing my social environment entirely. I now feel successful, happy, and confident to talk to any strangers and develop new friends. Also, no exceptions, watch the 1999 film Fight Club.
  
  MAKE TODAY THE DAY YOU FOUND THE RABBIT HOLE; TAKE THE RED PILL.

Sure! If you have any questions for the filmmaker herself, I'll send them on. From the teacher's desk:

Theory:

• The principles of animation are more important than any medium or software; tools come and go, but the principles will always be relevant.
  
• Disney's 12 principles and Richard Williams' Animator's Survival Kit are great resources to check out.
  
  Software:
  
  
• Before I started going to school for it, the first animations I ever did were GIFs in Photoshop Elements. While it was fun to tinker with, that process wasn't the most user-friendly.
  
• Now there are a number of freeware options if you just want to test the waters. I haven't used them myself, but if I were just starting out, I'd probably try Pencil first.
  
• Amy made this film using mostly ToonBoom Harmony, and some AfterEffects for post-production. Those have more tools than beginners probably need, and some of their pricing options are expensive, but both offer free trials and month-to-month licenses if you want to test them out.
  
• Studio Ghibli's animation software Toonz was recently made free--it's another package I haven't tried yet, but I definitely want to look into it when I have time.
  
  Amateur vs. Professional:
  
  
• Those links under "Theory" above are crucial, and I tend to grade animation in terms of mechanics (how believable the motion is) and performance (how well the motion conveys emotion or story).
  
  
• Mechanics: most of the notes I give are encouraging arc motion, slow-in/slow-out, and believable balance and weight.
  
  
• Performance: this gets more advanced and subjective, but a lot of it comes down to emotive posing, and timing that shows the character thinking, feeling, and reacting.
  
  Hope that helps! Those points are just scratching the surface on a huge amount of material, but for starting out, it's great to just have fun experimenting. Feel free to ask more questions, and good luck!

I detest games in dating... but there are definite pitfalls to spilling it all off the bat. I've been in a casual relationship where we each went full transparency upon first meeting. It worked to an extent, but it also destroys any semblance of mystery. Part of dating is getting to know the other person and them getting to know you. Trust and love are built through experience and time together.

A month or two ago, someone posted something about discovering the INFJ strength in dating... which was being mysterious. I can't remember who, but it resonated with me. He said he'd been finding much more dating success by slowly revealing who he was and how he felt. Not so much manipulating as just not going full glom off the bat, if he likes someone.

Mark Manson's book, Models, makes some very good points and introduces some solid techniques for dating with authenticity, too. It's geared toward men, but I think much of the information is applicable to anyone. The first 15% of the book is pretty self-promotey, and there are some misogynistic generalizations here and there, but it was worth my time. Much of it is about building confidence just by being yourself and taking a zen - like approach of being grateful for any response to a declaration of interest. I'm into you! You're into me? Cool, let's see where it goes. Not into me? Cool, thanks for not letting me waste my time chasing you. I feel like it's a healthy version of playing it cool, without lying or repressing yourself.

(I will be a scientist in a month, so maybe my viewpoint is too scientific.)

Take every interaction with any potential partner as a "quantum-test", Or simply as a scientific experiment. You ask a question from Nature: "Can we function as a couple?" or "Does she have the same attraction towards me?" and then you will get an answer. You should never take any rejection as a personal failure. A "rejection" is just an experimental result which is dependent on

• the current brain-bio-chemical states of the participants,
  
• the weather,
  
• the (life)situation in which you are at that moment,
  
• her period,
  
• her personal past,
  
• etc...
  
  So very few things you are responsible in any "dating" situation. The result of a "dating experiment" says how you two are compatible with each other, and says very little about you personally. Of course you should behave as you think is right. Directed dating is a paradox situation, because if you behave directly as you think "she likes", then you are giving up your true self to impress her. Of course there are certain behavioral patterns but if you just "act" as confident person, then you are just an actor... You should behave as YOU think is right.
  
  I don't think that the PickUpArt narrative (alpha/beta male, etc...) would be useful in a long term, because it teach you how to ACT, and not how to be happy in your own skin. You would be with a female who loves You, and not your "alpha-mask" which you wear to hide your needy nature...... True success when you can transcend these alpha-beta-male games and you can date without even bother about the endpoint of this experiment. I think Stoicism is a perfect alternative philosophy for dating. OF course you can prefer some results, but you can be HAPPY in any case. She is NOT your key to happiness. None is.
  
  I can recommend you the book No more mr Nice Guy!. It is perfectly dealing with one of the main problem of our society, which lost his best males nearly 60-70 years ago (during ww2, etc...) .
  And there is a very useful webpage: http://www.artofmanliness.com/ which can help you to rediscover your true inner Man.
  

This is a very important issue to me since I have a non-climbing wife who really doesnt even like hanging out in the woods of Kentucky very much either. She has gone on trips with me, but its not her favorite.

If your wife likes to join and hang out or whatever, you have a leg up. But lets assume she doesnt. The most important thing is to not let climbing become an issue of contention. That means, find a balance of time for you and time for her. If she is feeling loved, then she wont mind you being gone on occasional climbing trips.

I train at the gym 2-3 times a week and manage a decent amount of weekend trips and 1 or two longer trips, but less trips now that we have a kid.

Step 1 in making sure she is loved is to find out how she feels loved. Everyone shows and receives loves in different ways. I recommend The 5 love languages for your reading pleasure. warning: there is a very religious overtone to the book but I think the advice is solid even if you ignore that.

So, if you are showing your wife she is loved, climbing will not be an issue. My wife really likes notes ('words of affirmation' from the book) so if I leave her lots of little notes around the house while I'm gone it helps. One of my buddies is also married and his wife likes gifts. so he does a bunch of small gift cards for coffee, etc... and that keeps his wife happy. Doesnt have to be expensive, just a thoughtful token.

finally, My friends are always going on trips that I dont even bother asking to go on because I try to consciously maintain a balance. The selfish side of me wants to go on every trip but I know that it will become an issue if I do.

Just because you're LD doesn't mean you can't do gift-giving! Something I loved to do for my SO from time to time would be to give her little gifts - something I know she'd appreciate or enjoy, just as a sign that I was thinking of her, like a cheap meme shirt from some in-joke we shared or the like.

During LD, it seems harder to give gifts, since mailing's involved, but seriously - just plug her address into your Amazon account, and send her something from time to time. One of life's underappreciated joys is the thrill of getting a package in the mail you weren't expecting that turns out to be a thoughtful gift.

---

It largely depends on how your SO receives/expresses love, though. Shameless plug for Gary Chapman's "5 Love Languages," most of the ideas of which you can find with a google search, basically there are five "languages" in which your partner both expresses and wishes to receive love: words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch, quality time, and gift-giving. While any expression of love can be received well, when you're speaking their "language" it will be particularly impactful. If you want to do something really meaningful for your partner, figure out their language and cater to it. Do they express their love with words, and thrive on receiving words in return? Send a love letter they can look forward to. Quality time? Try a cyber-date, be it a Skype session or maybe a co-op game of Portal 2 (would recommend even if you're not gamers :P).

My girlfriend of a little over a year has recently been diagnosed with a mental disorder as well. Bipolar depression, and I have done a tremendous amount of research and have physically tried every single thing I am going to list here. I am a recovering drug addict with a very broad and comprehensive knowledge of varying medications.

The biggest thing that you can do for your SO is support her. I know this is going to be incredibly hard for you right now but the biggest thing that has helped us on an emotional level has been a book called The 5 Love Languages. Here's a link.

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

Now I am not just promoting a book here, but I am suggesting a tool that can be vital to you two getting into a healthy emotional relationship with eachother. Now onto the drugs..

The best thing I have found, in terms of efficacy and with the least amount of side effects would be

Kanna. It is an all natural Succulent that people dry out the flowers, crush them up and then ingest. My girlfriend and I agree that the most effective and least uncomfortable way to take this is by mixing up some of the leaves into a piece of chewing gum and chewing for a while. The next best route of administration would be Sublingual, ie puttin the plant matter underneath your tongue and holding it there for as long as you can stand.

Kava Kava. It is an ancient herb that will help combat anxiety and depression, and it also helps tremendously with sleep. You can get capsules from a health food store, just make sure to get an extract with a large amount of kavalactones in it, and you can find tea with it too.

Blue lotus. This is another ancient remedy for anxiety and depression, you will most likely have to get this online, but it does help you feel more relaxed and it really does work.

Kratom. This is an all natural plant that has been used in Thailand for thousands of years. It helps with pain, anxiety, depression and has lots of other benefits. There are hundreds of different active alkaloids. Anti-inflammatory, Anti-cancerous, blood pressure regulators, anti-anxiety, painkilling, and tons and tons of others.

Now on to the next things, the things that will have to be taken with a word of caution.

GABA. This can be found at a health food store and it is a natural chemical responsible for motivation, happiness, well being and more. Taking GABA supplements do not cross the blood brain barrier very well, but people still report that it works for them. It's fairly cheap and it might work for her, check it out.

Aniracetam. This is a drug that was developed as a treatment for Alzheimers disease. It is now sold online as a cognitive enhancer (nootropic) and an anti-anxiety med. Tolerance builds up quickly so taking it every few days would be recommended. Here's a thread about it.

https://www.reddit.com/r/Nootropics/comments/43dm0f/aniracetam_my_personal_impression_my_life_has/

https://corpina.com/aniracetam/

Now, here's my personal favorite, but it can be very dangerous in terms of physical dependence and withdrawal symptoms.

Phenibut. This is a chemical that works almost exactly like GABA in the brain, except it readily passes the blood brain barrier. This has been a godsend for me in terms of motivation, productiveness and fighting my depression and anxiety. This is the one she would have to be most careful about. Start with very low doses and gauge the effectiveness. 500mg to start and then wait. it takes a good 4 hours to kick in if you take it on an empty stomach. stay within the 500mg - 1500mg dosage range and never redose within a 4 hour period. This does cause physical dependence though. My advice for her would be to take it once every few days, or not more than 2 days in a row, with 3 days in between doses.

make sure to read this page about phenibut though.
https://corpina.com/positive-negative-side-effects-phenibut/

Let me know if you want a pdf version of that love languages book.

>Telling him to be romantic just ruins the purpose..
>it has to be spontaneous and natural and he has to use his initiative.

I understand why you think that way, and wouldn't it be nice for him to spontaneously do everything you like. However this is a factually incorrect response to human psychology.

Here's why: all of our brains process and respond to stimuli differently. Honest truth. There will be some things in life that are incredibly obvious to you, and yet he won't be aware of them at all. And vice-versa, and THAT can be one of the most powerful things in a marriage where each complements the other. You sense what he does not, he senses what you do not.

So the little romantic things you're dreaming of? I'm sorry, but his brain didn't serve them up as a response he should do. But that doesn't mean it's a fatal problem, it only means that this is something to tackle in your relationship. He's not a mind reader either, so yes, you literally need to tell him the things you like, while carefully listening to the things he likes. Not in a nagging way, but in a "we're better together" way.

To help you, there is a popular book titled The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman that points out which of the 5 each of us want. You appear to desire 'words of affirmation' while he might desire 'physical touch'. So here's some homework for both of you to get started: there is a free 5 Love Languages Online Quiz or else a paper Downloadable PDF that both of you can do to learn what each of you craves. With that knowledge, he and you can begin to work to fulfill those needs for each other.

But yes, you really do need to tell him. If you're in this for the long haul, over time he'll get much better at it, eventually knowing you better than you know you.

Alright, first thing you're gonna wanna do is chill out, it's gonna seem intimidating at first but once you really get into it it'll be second nature to ya.

First thing I'd recommend is finding a process that works for you, if you're not comfortable with Adobe then try out some other programs, I personally recommend Krita, it's a pretty simple program to operate not too advanced but provides the tools needed to make some good frame by frame animation, it's free too, which is always a plus. But there's also other alternatives like ToonBoom [good but pricey, so I've heard] and OpenToons [free] that are more advanced. Maybe take advantage of some free trials and see what you're most comfortable with.

You said you can't see the previous frame when moving to a new one, you have to enable onion skins which shows a silhouette of the previous drawing so you have something to reference.

Another thing you're probably gonna want to do is familiarize yourself with the process, check out a few videos on Youtube about animation, this one right here goes pretty well in depth on the twelve principles. I also recommend the Animator's Survival Kit, and so will most other animators [It's a really good book that goes way in depth on the whole process].

And the number one most important thing I can say is this, just keep animating. Practice as much as you can. I can sit here all day recommending books, videos, and software, but the thing you're gonna learn from the most is experience. So animate, find the methods you're most comfortable with, and make something with them, it doesn't necessarily even need to be good, it just needs to be a learning experience.

It's like exercising a muscle, the more you work at it the stronger it gets.

​

I hope this helps in some way.

First thing. Clean. Make sure your apartment, room, car or what ever is spotless. This is a really important step. It's the first step of taking back control, it's also going to show you a near immediate reward for your actions.

So now that you're sitting in a clean environment, start writing. Let all the negative emotion just spew, don't worry about spelling, grammar or any of that, it's just a purge. Once the rambling and emotion is out, review it and begin building. What are your goals? How are you going to achieve them? Right now your broken. Good! Because now is the perfect time to rebuild. You WILL rebuild your self into the man you were ment to be. What's he like? What does he do? Write about him. Start becoming him.

So now that you have recognized that you are the most important being in your life, treat your self. Buy a new out fit, or a good book, a new camera, what ever you want that can be affordable and positive. I personally bought a new pair of pants that was too small because next...

Gym. Find a good work out program. This new iron temple you should be praying at daily. You gain confidence with new found muscle but more importantly, this will also help you respect your self, by going daily and holding your self to your word.

Lastly, after reading through the comments and learning more about you, I think one of the best books you could read is:http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339

2 years ago what I thought was the love of my life ended it. Best thing that has ever happened to me. This book combined with all the emotion I was able to harness and refine myself. Tomorrow I'm going out on a date with a beautiful girl (2 years ago I thought was out of my league) and I'm just excited to have fun. There is no more wondering, does the girl like me? Is he talking to other people? Would she want to be my gf? Instead, I don't care because I still don't know if she is compatible for my new life style. It's an amazing feeling to be the one in control.

Invest in your self and become the man you wanna be. You got this.

You want to be able to have sex with other people AND keep your relationship with your girlfriend. I don't think you realize how lucky you are to have a girlfriend who is willing to try to make this work with you, despite the fact that it isn't something she wants. The vast majority of people would respond to this with an outright "No." or end the relationship completely.

Your girlfriend is giving up a lot for you in order to make this work. She is losing the sense of security that a monogamous relationship brings; she is putting herself at risk of having her feelings hurt and having to deal with the jealousy that this is likely to cause her. She is putting a huge amount of trust in you to:

• be mindful of her feelings
  
• be completely honest with her
  
• practice safe sex and not give her an STD or impregnate someone else
  
• not develop feelings for someone else and leave her
  
  You owe it to this woman to not break her trust. You owe her complete honesty and good communication. You owe it to her to make good decisions and be mindful of her feelings. Even if you having sex with other people will likely be hard on her, there are still things that you can do to minimize this---and one of those things is reinforcing her trust in you by things like a) not lying to her or hiding things from her, and b) making every effort to not neglect her needs and feelings.
  
  You've already failed. You lied about where you were going, you hid it from her when she called you, and you neglected her when she was in a time of need (if you had been honest with her, you may not have been able to get there as soon as she wanted you to be there, but you could have given her the piece of mind that you were dropping everything to come and be there for her). Instead, you made her feel like you were just "too tired" to be there for her in a time of need.
  
  There's a good chance that you've ruined your chance to have an open relationship with this woman, or in the very least, you've made it 100% harder than it already was by breaking her trust.
  
  And after all of this, you have the balls to say that you're angry and resentful about this (her friend died, ffs, and that's no one's fault and not something that can be helped). Look, I totally get that you were looking forward to this and now you feel disappointed, but you need to get your priorities straight. What's more important to you, a weekend of fun... or being there for the person you're supposed to care about when they're in need? There will be plenty of opportunities to have fun in the future, but your girlfriend needs your support now. It's not the kind of thing that waits until a convenient time, and knowing that your partner is willing to be there for you when you need them... well, isn't that one of the main reasons why people get into relationships to begin with?
  
  Honestly, if you would have handled this situation maturely, this could have actually been a huge positive reinforcement for having an open relationship. If your girlfriend knew that you went to the festival (with the possibility of meeting other woman), but you dropped everything to come and be with her when she needed you, you would be showing her that she is your priority and that you aren't going to neglect her needs. Experiences like that can go a long way in terms of building trust and comfort in an open relationship.
  
  Now, it sounds like you did drop everything to go and be with her, but the fact that you lied about where you were is going to overshadow that. (And please, please, please don't tell your girlfriend, "Well, I did drop everything to come and be with you". You don't deserve a cookie for your behaviour, so don't try to justify it by giving yourself a pat on the back for something you SHOULD do regardless.
  
  In my opinion, I think that the two of you should end things. You're not mature enough to be in an open relationship, and it doesn't sound like it's something she wants anyway.
  
  However, if the two of you decide that this is something you really want to make work, you need to:
  
  

1. Come clean to your girlfriend.
   
2. Admit that you made a mistake and handled things immaturely, and sincerely apologize.
   
3. Work on your communication with each other.
   
4. Discuss boundaries and expectations.
   
5. Educate yourselves. There are a lot of good resources about open relationships; they can help you develop realistic boundaries and expectations, better communication, and a better mindset and understanding of how to make this work.
   
   Recommended reading:
   
   The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures (book)
   
   Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships (book)
   
   morethantwo.com (website)
   
   (Note: some of these resources are more geared toward polyamorous relationships, but they still have a lot of good information for any kind of nonmonogamous relationship).

Hey,

I love to talk but it wasn't always this way. I would highly recommend just practicing. I have found the following books to be really useful aids in my learning to be a better conversationalist:

• How to talk to anyone
  
• Drop the pink elephant
  
• How to win friends and influence people
  
  Here are some really basic tips for getting people to talk.
  
  
• Ask 'How do you spend most of your time' rather than asking about work / hobbies. They will tell you what really interests them.
  
  
• If you're stuck how to follow up on an answer, just repeat the last bit. For example - Them: 'O, I love making songs in my spare time' - You : 'Songs?'. They will then tell you all the songs and you can follow this up in more detail.
  
  
• Don't go on a date without having read the news. Know whats happening in the world. No one likes to talk about the weather, so make sure you've got your fallback.
  
  
  As for you last point about 'I actually don't know what to bring up to even trigger a question about myself.'. There is a great quote :
  
  > “No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next.”
  
  You should get away from this notion. I try to not talk too much about myself, you want to show interest in them rather than trying to impress them with yourself. They will naturally ask you questions when they think of them, try not to focus on steering the conversion to a interest of yours. Another big point is, if you find a common interest, don't let them know instantly with a 'ME TO!'. Keep quiet, ask them about it and at some point drop a few subtle hints that you know of the subject. They will be much more impressed that you share an interest but don't feel compelled to scream it instantly.
  
  I hope this helps a little :)

The people here commenting, many don't seem to have any first-hand experience with this philosophy. It's similar to those who talk out of their ass about modern Satanism or anything else they don't understand but is associated with "bad" or "taboo" imagery. Buy into the hype and bandwagons and you don't have to actually research and think, how convenient.

The better place to start? https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/ and https://www.reddit.com/r/asktrp/. Not as many "seasoned" posters or authority figures of the movement. It is hilarious to me, some of the comments I see below mentioning "controlling" or "manipulative" as keywords. Controlling is furthest from the truth. Now there are some in the PUA movement where the employ high usage of Dark Triad traits (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dark_triad) which are of course meant to be manipulative or "harsher" but that's not the norm.

You'll notice that every focus in the MarriedRedPill Sub is ALL about self improvement. It's not manipulation, it's becoming the opposite of needy. Becoming "outcome independent" so that you aren't hinging on expectations of what the other person will do. The goal is to be masculine, strong, and assertive. To be so self assured that you CAN allow someone else in without scaring them off with needy beta behavior. That's it. The idea (and it is a philosophy, you don't have to identify with it) is that we are evolved in this way. The majority of women who want happy marriages are going to do better in a SLIGHTLY submissive role. Submissive doesn't mean lesser, or worth less or any other feminist garbage of the modern age.

The MarriedRedPill Sub really illustrates a captain/co-captain relationship. The idea is that men are leading their lives and a great woman for you will support that and support your mission. They don't process information the same way and DO NOT want to be included in every little thought you have. They want to see you succeed and that fulfills their purpose. They are turned on by your confidence and self assurance. That comforts them. Provides security.

I think the issue is that we are here on INTP. I'm reading through this book now: https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339 and I have to tell you.... the majority of the people on this sub fall into this kind of male. That book and this one other https://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900 will change your life and attitude if you follow the guidance and advice within. It has ZERO mention of red-pill, just psychologists talking about counseling and assertiveness and not being the "nice guy" anymore. It is helping me a lot and I recommend both.

It's not PC to say that women and men are different. Humans are different. Even the races are different in predictable ways. It doesn't mean that they don't all have the same potential or that they should have less opportunity. However, we cannot equalize outcomes. That is up to the individual.

You are much more normal than you think, and your problem--no matter how embarassing--is quite common. Here is a story to illustrate what I'm talking about. If you don't have time to read the whole story, here is a good quote from it:

>To be blunt, it fucking sucks that everyone seems to be having sex but me. The idea that so many people just don’t care about it–and yet nobody seems to want to do it with me–that really hurts. As a general idea, I think it’s fine. I don’t see any moral problem with it. I think if I could, I’d have casual sex as much as possible. I think people need to loosen up about judging others’ sexual habits.

OK, well...a few things. Most men struggle a great deal finding a partner willing to have sex with them. I am married (and very lucky in this respect), but I have a few male friends in their late thirties who are single. One of them last had sex two years ago. The other, as far as I know, hasn't found anyone who will sleep with him since he broke up with his girlfriend over three years ago. Guys who are tall, good-looking, charming, or in the vicinty of women who aren't picky may well have as much sex as you think they are having. But they probably aren't.
So I want to give you two pieces of advice. The first is that you will have sex by pursuing the kinds of relationships that lead to sex. That sounds self-evident, but ask yourself if you are doing that in earnest. If you are pursuing a woman who has made it clear that she isn't interested in physical intimacy, for example, then acknowledge this and set your sights elsewhere. Don't be afraid to commicate sexual intetest, either. Here is an excellent dating advice book that tells you how to do this.
Second, just because you are unable to find a willing parnter at the moment, that does not mean that you cannot have sexual feelings or act on them. It's a bit of an open secret, but the platform I am using to communicate to ypu right now is one of the best places to find amateur pornography online. If you are not opposed to using pornography, then I encourage you to take advantage of this fact. Learning how to soothe yourself sexually in the absence of a parnter is one of the most important skills you need to develop to make it as a guy today, so please consider this advice and confront any feelings of guilt or shame that it might inspire.
Lastly, be patient with yourself. Set goals that aren't simply experiencing sex and work toward them. Enjoy yourself as you do. You are wired for pleasure, as well as disappointment. Which one you experience more of, believe it or not, has much more to do with the decisions that you make more than the judgments that other people make about you. Best of luck. I know this sounds trite, but have fun. I'm saying it because I mean it.

For you first attempt at animation, I thing you did a great job! Definitely a good start.

The storytelling is a bit unclear, it took me a few views to understand exactly what was going on. The main reason it was unclear to me is because up until the end, I didn't really know where the characters were in relationship to one another. A couple ways you could fix this is to have a background in each shot to show where they are in the environment and have a few shot where you see both characters in frame at the same time to show how close/far they are from each other. I would also have an establishing shot at the beginning to show where the story is taking place. I think you are also missing a few key storytelling shots at the beginning that would help clarify that the characters are playing hide and seek. I think you need to show the beginning of the game, where the boy character would be counting and the girl character is starting to hide.

In terms of the animation, I think the constantly changing line color is distracting. I would try to keep it to one color throughout. You could have the boy and girl have different colors, but I wouldn't keep those colors consistent in each shot. I like the loose/rough quality of your drawings, but I think you need to pay more attention to the volume and form of your characters. Your timing and spacing in the animation is quite even as well. Meaning, it looks like everything is moving at the same speed and it is hard to distinguish between fast and slow movements. Timing and spacing are hard to get right, even for people who have been animating for a long time. The only way to improve these skills are to keep animating!

For your first animation, I think you did really well, the more you animate the more you will improve. I think you chose a really complex subject for this animation and suggest you start with some easier animation tests moving forward. I would start off with learning the 12 animation principles and animating some basic stuff like bouncing balls, pendulums, falling leaves, etc. I would recommend buying these books: Animator's Survival Kit and Eric Goldburg's Character Animation Crash Course. You also might want to look in to using software that is designed for animation. It will probably make it easier to see the animation as your working on it instead of exporting out images and putting them together in movie maker. You should check out PAP4, its a simple animation program that is free to download/use.

As far as applying to CalArts, I would really focus on creating a great portfolio with solid life drawing. CalArts wants to see that their prospective students already have solid drawing skills so that you can hit the ground running when you start classes. I would see about taking some local life drawing classes/workshops where you live so you can build up a solid portfolio. While they like to see students with previous experience animating, the portfolio is much more important to getting accepted there. You should check out AnimatedBuzz, its a social community for animators. There are a lot of prospective CalArts students on there who post their work on the forums to get feedback.

Hope this helps. Good luck to you and keep animating :)

> Does it help to be straight forward (but not too straight forward) that you want sex with someone?

The goal is to want her to feel that you would like to have sex with her, but you dont need to have sex with her.

> How do you compliment a girls looks or physique in a seductive way without being creepy?

Stick with complimenting her style. Complimenting on the things she clearly put effort into doing is much more meaningful than complimenting her on something she was born with and can not control. The key to compliments is having reason why you like what you see, and letting her know that reason. "I like [this] about you because [reason]".

> What do women really think when a guy buys them a drink?

If she likes you, she probably thinks its a means to spend more time doing something together. If she doesn't like you, she probably just wants a free drink.

> Do they like it when you mention that you have a lot of sexual experience?

no.

> Is it easier to seduce women in a loud bumpin' club or a quiet cocktail lounge?

Yes.

> What shows confidence through looks?

If you confident in yourself, you believe everything about you matters. If everything about you matters, everything about how you look matters. If you matter most, how would you look?

> Should money be brought in the situation?

No

> Do girls always go for men with lots of money?

No

> It would be nice to also get some tips on things I haven't asked too.

Judging by these questions, you seem to be a little misguided. Don't fret, that's why this sub is here. Many people in the pickup community started down this road after they read (the now grossly outdated) Neil Strauss' "The game". My personal advice is to start with more foundational inner-game concepts about seduction, and then move on to the more applicable outter-game techniques later. Foundational concepts to pickup are rooted in evolutionary bio/psych. I would recommend reading Mark Manson's Models. Trust me, I wouldn't recommend Models if it wasn't worth the time and money. These concepts could change your entire prospective on how social interactions really work, and sometimes thats all you need.

Yeah I would just ignore these guys.

The way I would look at this is you have two choices. Option 1 is to learn to live with the situation (maybe just temporarily), option 2 is to work on it.

For Option 1 I would recommend cognitive behavioral therapy (try reading Feeling Good). CBT is a good way to help align how you think with what you logically believe. Like MackNoir said, there really isn't a good reason to give a shit about what other people think, but the techniques in that book can help you actually think that way.

Also I would try meditation (see /r/meditation and Mindfulness in Plain English, a free book). Meditation is a great way to help you stay grounded and focused on the present (which includes not worrying about issues like you're talking about here).

For Option 2 you really just have to make an effort. If you want to feel like you're contributing to people's lives, invite them to things, offer to help people when the opportunity comes up, and volunteer. To make conversation easier, do things like read the news, learn about things that interest you, try a lot of different things and pick up hobbies. Also remember FORDEN for easy topics (Family, Occupation, Recreation, Dreams, Environment i.e. your surroundings, and News). Those things along with being a good listener, conversation threading (google it), and practice should make conversation easy.

But obviously some of those things require some time. Like Jing-Jack said college will be different and you should have a lot more control over what you do with your time then (assuming you move out).

Well, I'm no doctor, but I've studied and practiced CBT for years. I'll link some guides and books below that are pretty good. But, essentially, CBT is all about paying attention to what you say to yourself and working to change it. What you say and think about is like a habit: you've been doing it for so long that it's become rather 'default' behavior. But, like a habit, it can be changed with enough time and work.

One of the very first steps in doing this is becoming aware of what you are saying. For example, like in the title of the post, when you call yourself a moron. Or the lines of thought, such as your friends leaving you. This is a major step because, for a lot of that self-talk, you probably aren't aware of it or your brain 'filters' it out, but it's hurting you anyways.

The next step is to start challenging what you say about yourself rationally. Try comparing them to this list. For example, when you have a fear about your friends leaving you, the first thing you should do is ask yourself why. Why would they leave you? What did you do? Then look at your answer and compare it to that list. Chances are that what you're afraid of is either unlikely or illogical. It can help a lot to write this stuff out on paper.

Another test that I like is to imagine that you're saying your 'self-talk' to someone else. Imagine you had a friend you really liked and trusted completely, they can be real or imaginary. Now imagine that friend is calling himself a moron or is saying that he's afraid his friends will leave him, or whatever self-talk you're giving yourself. Would you agree and call him a moron or say his friends will leave him (remember, you're supposed to really like this person)? I would guess probably not. It would just make him feel worse, right? What's important with this test is to realize is that that is exactly what you're telling yourself and it's making you feel just as bad.

After that, it's a game of watching what you think and doing the above until it becomes less of a problem. So when you call yourself a moron, you never let yourself get away with it. You ask yourself: why am I a moron? Why does X make me a moron? Aren't I allowed to make mistakes? Etc. Eventually, you'll start to become nicer to yourself and treat yourself like you would that good friend from above.

Feeling good by David Burns is pretty much the go-to, raw CBT book. It has a lot of worksheets and examples to help the reader. I highly recommend it, especially if you're just starting.

Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness by Gillian Butler is also a good book that focuses in more on social aspects.

Most of the online guides I've seen haven't been too fantastic IMO. But they do exist. This seems like a good overview, but definitely not as interactive or comprehensive as the books are. Personally, I'd start with David Burns' book. It's probably the most tried-and-true of them all.

So the term that you're looking for is triad and there are many people who engage in the kind of relationship you're seeking. It has been suggested already, but I would like to reiterate that r/polyamory is the place you need to post this. It is the most accepting, knowledgeable community on reddit regarding nonmonogamy. I have been in a quad for over a year and it has been the most helpful internet resource for my husband and I.

The Ethical Slut has been recommended, there's also Opening Up. I found Opening Up to be an incredible resource to get my head around the different types of nonmonogamous relationships, the possible issues that may come up and suggestions on how to approach them. The biggest concept I got from that book was that no nonmonogamous relationship is exactly alike and whatever works for your relationship is what's right for you.

I would suggest all of you read either/both of the books suggested. Take notes, makes lists of questions/comments/concerns and all three of you jointly work out a relationship structure that works for all of you. Are you all going to be on equal terms? Is your wife going to be primary and your gf secondary? Is your gf moving in? If she is, where is she sleeping? Will you be ok if your gf dates and brings other men/women home where your child is? Will your gf have the right to discipline and make decisions for your child? Just a few things to consider.

The biggest things in having a poly relationship, the same with any relationship are communication and in my opinion, radical honesty. You all need to feel safe about communicating EVERYTHING big or small and you all need to sit down and listen with as little defensiveness as possible. Issues will come up that may be about anything from jealousy to who should have done the dishes, you need to be able to work through these issues together, equally.

Our quad doesn't cohabitate, my hubs and I live together with our two boys and our other couple is married and live with their dog, so I can't give specific advice/thoughts/opinons on that. However, being in a polyamorous relationship has been one of the most rewarding, beautiful experiences I have ever had. The amount of personal and relationship growth we've all had has been so incredible. The level of support during good and bad times, the intimacy, the love, it's wonderful. We've had our share of ups and downs and it certainly has its challenges, but overall, it has been an amazing addition to our lives.

One of the challenges that we have found is dynamics with disagreements. The way my husband and I communicate difficulties or have disagreements is different than how our other half does. It was quite a learning curve figuring out how to negotiate issues, but with patience and a lot of communicating we've figured that out. Adding more people adds more angles to consider in all aspects of your relationship, positive and growth inducing.

Good luck!! You're in for one hell of an adventure! :D

23 M fresh out of college, did something very similar and am in a similar situation, except I’ve decided that getting her back isn’t my goal. At this point I have too much respect for her and myself to go down the selfish path of trying to get her back. I’d start exploring the idea of getting better for you and you alone and a better woman will come along one day, or not, and that’s what I’m learning to be okay with.

I’d HIGHLY recommend this book it is a very easy read(grammatically speaking) that hits very very hard. This is an amazing way to baseline where you’re at and figure out what needs to be worked on, chances are there’s plenty stuff you’re unaware of.

On top of that, some standard ways to jolt your body to support your mental progress: exercise, eat clean, meditate, sleep more, drink less, etc. if you’re not doing this any mental progress you attempt to make will be much more difficult. There’s some amazing correlations behind changing your bodily habits and the positive changes in thoughts and emotions.

Don’t go crazy, though. Lift for an hour 3-4 times a week, do some free YouTube yoga on your rest days, and get good sleep. If your job allows it, start implementing a sleep schedule to help manage your time. All these little things have a way of building up and impeding the progress we really care about, make the effort to “automate” a lot of those fundamental processes and you’ll put yourself in the best position to effectively make emotional and mental progress through meditation or whatever other therapy you seek out.

Good luck, feel free to PM me about more stuff I’m in a similar boat as you

Edit: also this book is another essential for being emotionally mature. Understanding Attachment Theory will make your dating life much more manageable

Much of my research has been focused on men who grew up under an emotionally abusive, narcissistic female parent ("Nparent"). Boys with high levels of intelligence who grow up under these conditions develop defense mechanisms to avoid the irrational, and often unpredictable, wrath of their Nparent.

One of these defense mechanisms is a highly developed sense of empathy, or in other words "the ability to understand and share the feelings of others." Children from abusive homes often develop higher-than-normal levels of awareness for other people's emotions as a survival response; because while growing up, a child's well-being was determined by the emotional state of the Nparent, whose mood and behavior could radically and unpredictably shift without warning or provocation. So, these children learn how to observe their Nparent and be aware of their every-changing emotional state at all times.

There are a couple consequences of this. First, many of these children learn how to interact with other people in a disarming way. These sort of children do very well in professional sales environments because they have an advanced ability to "read" people.

Which leads me to a second consequence: primarily being in a state of reaction to other people's actions. If life were a game of chess, you would be black, always reacting to white's first move. Again, as a defense mechanism, children in abusive homes learn strategies to disarm or satisfy their Nparent. Since the Nparent is always on the offensive and the child is always on defense, everything the child is trained to do is counter, repel, or otherwise disarm the actions of others. And these children can become very well adept at developing strategies to anticipate the needs of others.

So while the bulk of these boys' training is as a reaction to the wants and needs of others, these boys are not taught how to be in charge, how to identify and exert their own wants and needs in a relationship in a healthy way. In every relationship, there is a leader and there is a follower. Your relationship training growing up has always been to be reactionary, to be a damn good follower because your survival depended on it.

Now, you are dating, and women are looking for a leader in the relationship. The problem is that you don't have any training on how to be a leader in relationships. Like a fish in water, your whole world growing up has been focused on being the best survivor you can be, and that has meant being the best listener, the best reactor, the best follower you can be because you never knew what it meant to be in control.

Shifting gears into being on the opposite side of that fence, by being the person whose Will is exerted instead of being the person upon whom someone else's Will is exerted, is difficult. It's like riding a bike for the first time: no matter how many books you read on riding a bike, you're still going to fall the first few times. Becoming comfortable as a leader in a relationship is learning experience. It takes time to explore what that means for you and what that means to the women who follow you.

Diving deeper, if you grew up in this sort of environment, you know what it means to be taken advantage of; you've seen what it means for a person to manipulate some unsuspecting individual into fulfilling the manipulator's desires. Like a used-car salesman, you may view the whole experience of "using your magic" to get other people to do what you want as coercive, as something negative. You feel bad because maybe you feel like you're taking advantage of these women; and knowing how badly it sucks to be taken advantage of, you feel uncomfortable escalating things because of it. You haven't necessarily been so accommodating to others because you wanted to, you've done it as a means of survival, because you've had to in order to avoid punishment. You can't fathom or haven't considered the reality that there are people out there who genuinely desire to support others, not out of a sense of avoiding pain but because they truly feel a desire to support the fulfillment of someone else's Will.

If any of this applies to you, then here's my advice: first, recognize that you've been playing the part of the follower in relationships. Your approach has been reactionary, to anticipate the needs of others in order to satisfy those needs, as you feel a good partner should. The problem with this approach is that it requires the other person to have definitive needs. If they don't have needs that can be defined, then you won't know what to do; and nothing you do will satisfy them.

This might explain some issues you've had with LTRs in the past. There's the ongoing joke that if you ask a woman "what would you like to have for dinner?," her response is ____. You already know the stereotypical response (it's "I don't know", if you didn't already guess). While publicly men will lament about female indecisiveness, TRP explains that women aren't interested in making the decision about dinner because they've already made the only decision that matters: they chose you. Now, it's your job to decide what's for dinner; it's your responsibility to figure out what you both are doing tonight; she depends on you to take the lead. And since she's waiting for you to exert your Will, she often doesn't have definitive wants to satisfy. This may very well be the reason why you kept expecting insight from previous LTRs on what you should be doing for them, all the while they were becoming frustrated with you because you were not exhibiting the very same indicators that you sought from her.

Second, you need to learn how to be a leader in relationships, learn how to be in control. There are strong, positive leaders and there are shitty, negative leaders. Realize that exerting your Will in a relationship is not inherently bad thing. There are ways to do it positively. Women seek this strong leadership in relationships with a man. Just like you presently react to someone else to satisfy their needs, women desire to do that exact thing for you. So if you're not exerting your Will in a relationship, then your relationship with her will invariably fall apart.

So get over feeling bad about exerting your Will. Realize that a huge percentage of women desire to support the Will of a strong man. This desire is so ingrained that a surprising quantity of women admit to sexually fantasizing about being raped. This psychology tells us that even under what we might consider to be the most severe of circumstances (being raped), a situation that you would overwhelmingly consider to be "bad," many women still generally sexually fantasize about being "taken" and satisfying a man's Will by his force. By being a man who exerts his Will, you are quite actually giving women what they truly seek: a man who knows what he wants and ACTS on it. So in your chess game with women, be the white piece and make the first move; let them react to you, your desires, your Will. They want you to take charge, and you're hurting yourself and disappointing them when you don't.

Final thoughts, pick up copies of these two books: (1) "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover, and (2) "Models" by Mark Manson. First read No More Mr Nice Guy.

This is going to sound hokey, but go with me: cater to the "love language" they bring to work. I'm pulling this from the Gary Chapman book, "The Five Love Languages". The mechanism Chapman describes ("love languages") isn't only for romantic. We carry pieces of our "language" with us in all of our friendships, work relationships, etc.

I'm not trying to take away from the other answers here; more so, accentuate them.

• Public recognition could work best for someone who carries the language of "words of affirmation".
  
• Increased pay and perks could work better for people with the "thoughtful gifts" language
  
• Focused 1:1's and thoughtfully considering ideas could work for people with the "physical touch" or "quality time" languages
  
  Here's the rub though. I'm suggesting this as the inspiration for how to better recognize people, but don't let this slip into corporate personality tests, or cheap gimmicks. At the end of the day give people what they deserve, and this can be a framework to individualizing those rewards and building real relationships with the people running your business.
  
  
• If someone deserves a raise, give it. Explain why. Help them grow.
  
• If someone isn't improving much...talk with them, not to them, figure out what's going on.
  
• If developers are bored: http://randsinrepose.com/archives/bored-people-quit/
  
• If teams are struggling, or just had a big win be personable, be transparent. They want to know the fruits of their labor.
  
  
  
  My anecdotal backing:
  
  
• The first time I received a raise, I was ecstatic and proud, then those feelings melted away after walking 30ft down the hall from my manager's office. It didn't matter.
  
• At two companies, I've seen the small "quality of life" perks mean nothing because of the inhuman qualities placed in the culture.
  
• At another place I was ready to quit because: very little feedback/interaction -> work didn't seem to matter -> thoughts of "I don't matter".

Heya. Thanks for the post, it was pretty intense but I completely get where you're coming from. If you're looking for advice, I can offer a couple of things.

First is a book that is pretty popular on this sub and I recommend to a lot of friends that have lost their purpose, it's called "So Good They Can't Ignore You" by Cal Newport. It's a really good guide to success and happiness in a career.

Second, you definitely need to relax a little bit. I've been through anxiety and depression and the way that you're thinking right now is a recipe for an unhappy life.

>I have to be immortalized in history. Ide rather be dead than average but I don’t know how im gonna be more than average.

Putting this level of pressure on yourself can only lead to perceived failure, even if you're succeeding. You need to focus more on the "means", rather than the "ends", meaning if you want to be a comedian and think you can, then focus on writing jokes and performing. Don't even think about "changing the world" or being mediocre.

If you're getting stuck in these kinds of thought patterns a lot, then I can recommend another book (again often recommended here):

http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1454278582&sr=1-1&keywords=feeling+good

Honestly, the title might sound corny, but this book has saved and changed so many lives that it's true worth is incalculable.

>there has to be more to life than just having a good time and discovering what everyone already knows exists

There is indeed. Life is experience. The more you get, the more you'll understand.

Best of luck, friend.

So there's lots of things that could be going on here. First off, it is good to keep in mind that it is almost inevitable that couples will have less sex overtime vs when they started out. That's not necessarily a bad thing, it is more like evolving into becoming intimate in a wider variety of ways.

Your boyfriend might be uninterested in sex because of being desensitized from consuming too much porn. If your boyfriend is truly addicted to porn and therefore so overstimulated that physical sex pales in comparison, he might benefit from seeing a sex therapist, although indulging in an occasional half hour porn session is hardly abnormal for men, so keep that in mind. If he is very introverted, he could even be using the porn as an excuse to have some personal time with himself. Genuine porn addiction is more like watching porn every moment he thinks he can get away with it, even when it is very risky for him to do so, like at work or on a public computer.

If he avoids sex because of anxiety, he might benefit from seeing an anxiety specialist. Some people really want to have sex but don't go through with it because their anxiety is so intense that they begin to panic. If he is so anxious that he wants to have sex but simply can't initiate, then you may just have to accept that that's gonna have to be your job if you want to have sex with him. Also, people with social anxiety don't just have difficulty initiating sex, they tend to have difficulty initiating anything social, so that may or may not be why he doesn't ask you out on dates or perform gestures of affection like buying flowers. Then again, people express affection in different ways, and gifts or acts of service might not be a way that he does. There is an excellent book about this called 'The 5 love languages'. Or maybe he just doesn't care, period, who knows.

If he has neither of these issues, than he may just not be particularly interested in physical sex. Some men are like that, contrary to practically every pop culture narrative. For someone to be occasionally but usually not interested in sex is known as gray-asexuality, and it's not a moral failing on either of your part, it's just how some people are. Some people are asexual because of being the victim of abuse, some are like that because they are so introverted that they don't feel comfortable sharing their most private feelings an sensations with others, and some are like that for no apparent reason at all. It's not his fault if he's just not interested in sex, and it's not your fault if that doesn't work for you either. Sometimes people with normal sex drives who date asexual people enter into polyamorous relationships, where it is acknowledge that one person simply isn't meeting the other person's sexual needs, so the asexual person consents to their partner having sexual relationships with other people. This requires a great deal of trust between the partners for that kind of arrangement to have any success, and isn't for everyone, but it's potentially an option.

Personally, I probably have all of the above issues to some degree, and I am much more comfortable having sex where I can take on a completely passive role, such as receiving a blow job or using the cowgirl position. We have vaginal sex about once a month, and when we do, I pull out after a few minutes because I get overwhelmed by anxiety. It makes me sad to know that my partner sometimes often feels unsatisfied that I often refuse to initiate sex or have it at all, and she also has essentially stopped trying to initiate with me do to the pain of often being rejected (that's a feeling women aren't as accustomed to due to sexual norms), but she has come to accept for the most part that it's an issue with me, not her, and we connect so well in other ways that we appreciate the sex that we do have as much as we can because she knows I really am trying to connect with and satisfy her as much as I can, even though it wouldn't seem like it at first glance.. She now tries to have sex with me in a way that acknowledges my limitations, which often is as low-intensity as light touching or watching porn together. When I am ready for something more intense than that, I initiate.

Then again, your boyfriend might just take you for granted and expect you to service him without providing any reciprocation or even appreciation in return. Some men have the disgusting belief that that kind of behavior is the only way they can get a woman to respect him. If that is the case than he probably won't understand how stupid and counterproductive that is until someone sets some boundaries and stands up to him.

Whatever your boyfriend's situation is, him telling you that you are overreacting because your needs aren't being met is completely inappropriate. If you are equal partners, then your needs should matter to him, and if they don't then he shouldn't expect you to do anything at all to satisfy his needs. It's normal to have needs, and if someone else can't meet them they at least shouldn't put you down for having them.

Also, he might just be done with the relationship and acting coldly could be a passive aggressive way of communicating that.

So the rub is that there are any number of things that could actually be going on with your boyfriend, so what you're going to need to do in any case is talk to your boyfriend and find out what's actually going on. He might have one or multiple of the issues I suggested, or none, or something I didn't think of, but you well never know if you don't ask. If he isn't open to talking about that stuff (it can be hard, that's extremely personal stuff), than I would suggest seeing a relationship therapist together, they can work wonders for helping people learn how to communicate the important stuff that goes unsaid. He also might not know what is going on either. Many people have so little understanding of their own emotions that they couldn't even tell you what they are feeling if they wanted to, and a relationship therapist can help with that as well.

I can relate to this since I pretty much stayed home for most of my summer at the moment but now i got a job and am starting to be more social. What will really help you out is if you start going to random places wheres their people and just start making small conversations with people. I know its going to be uncomfortable and you'll most likely have some awkward silence and run out of things to say, but the more you do it, the more you get use to it and soon enough your social skills should get better. You can even start small by simply saying hi to people as they pass by or try giving high fives to people. I also reccomend the book how to win friends and influence people by andrew carnegie I am sure you can find it somewhere online for free or just buy from Amazon. Anyways the only way you'll get better is if you go outside and step out your comfort zone. Learn to talk about anything, and be yourself meaning talk to people about the stuff you like and hobbies you do. This will help you find out if other people have the same interest as you or not, but chances are you'll definitely find people that have similar interests to you (If you don't what kind of person how will you share yourself with others. So start to learn about yourself and decide what kinda person you to be/become). Lastly I recommend howtonogiveafudge reddit as this will help you learn not to care about what people think about your action and stuff you do and it lets you be more selfish (in a good way so that you could do what you want without worrying about people judging you) and I reccomend this video by simplepickup basically telling you about what true confidence is. Hope this helps :)

So you've gotten in better shape, but your still crawling around on all 4 begging for her attention. News Flash - Needy people are so much work and a turn off at the end of the day.

I wore your exact shoes a few years ago and was at the door of divorce. Today we both agree that had either one of us brought up the bid D word, it probably would have happened.

Ask yourself while looking in the mirror - Are you the man that attracted her 14 years ago when she clawed at you? What were you like back then?

Most answers are the same - Spontaneous, Energetic, Played sports, Built things with your hands, had an ego, could change the world, had no time for needy people, energetic, life of the party, social leader, ect.

Heres the part that might sting a little - but stop trying to change other people. They owe you nothing and you don't own them. Once you're truly happy internally and loving yourself that you will begin to see others want to be around you. When you give off that vibe that you have your world under control and nothing fazes you, people want to be a part of that because it's attractive.

Find a hobby, play some sports, spend time in the garage building something, take care of shit at home because you want to, not because you think it will change someone else. Never expect anything in return for what you do in and out of the house. Improve YOU and others WILL notice.

Read this book as the first step: https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1479840469&sr=1-1&keywords=no+more+mr+nice+guy

Look, I know how you feel and it breaks my heart to read these stories - but please take what I typed with a grain of salt and really look internally for that change you want. It may not fix your marriage, but it puts you on the roadmap and the right frame of mind going forward.

I took this advice 3-4-5 years ago - today we are so freaking open in our conversations it's crazy hot, sex has been better than ever before, and we are planning vacations, ect. The house is clean, the kids are happy, and we glow when we go out. In fact we glow so damn much people are always all over us at parties ect.

Start leading, stop following.

You are clearly speaking from a rough place in your life right now and feeling very low. I want to start by saying I'm glad you reached out to us here. A lot of people just close up within themselves and sink further into depression, but you decided to open up and communicate. That's very important and shows you actually have more strength than you think. Just wanted to acknowledge you for that before addressing your points.

First nothing is permanent. Your academic failure, your previous experience with women--yes, all that has happened and you can't reverse it now. But there is absolutely no reason whatsoever it has to be the same in the future. Your choices led to your past results, but change your choices and you change your future.

Many people who initially failed at things went on to become very successful at it. Michael Jordan was rejected the first time he tried out for high school basketball. You know why? They thought he was "too short". Think about this for a minute. Imagine if Michael Jordan said "You know what, they're right. I'm not like those tall guys. I'll never be a great basketball player, because I just wasn't born with the right traits." Imagine if that's what he thought! But he didn't. He decided he was going to work harder at proving himself up to the task. And MJ isn't unique, there are tons of stories like this if you look.

That's my overall, biggest point. Don't close the book. You have the power of choice, the power to choose differently and thus experience differently.

Now to your specific statements...

>At 23 years of age

Well right here, let's set something straight: 23 is still very young! Only on Reddit, full of kiddies, is 23 somehow "older" or "mature". I'm in my later 30s, and let me tell you something: I didn't know shit at 23! Like maybe a little bit, but the real learning started after college in the "real world". You sound like you're some old man at the end of his days who's realized "what the world is", but from my perspective--no offense--that's hilarious! I guarantee like 50%+ of what you think you "know" right now you will later realize was completely ass backwards.

>Some guys just have the "x-factor". They have been born with the ability to attract girls.

I brought up the MJ not being "tall enough" example before, but further: yes some people are just naturally more physically attractive given their "baseline" looks. It's ridiculous to deny that. However, and the ladies reading this can confirm this for me, that is not at all the only factor behind a woman's attraction to a man. It has as much if not more to do with how the man carries himself, how he communicates, how interesting he is as a person. You mentioned success later so I'll continue this when I go into that below...

>Should I hire an escort to get rid of my virginity?

100% no. That should be a moment with someone who respects you and cares about you. You're assuming no one ever will, but what I'm trying to point out is that control over that future is up to you. (Historical side note: Friedrich Nietzsche lost his virginity to a prostitute, and regretted it his whole life.)

>my lack of success. I have crap grades with no foreseeable future. No Indian girl in her right mind will want a desi man like that.

You have crap grades up until now, OK. But here's where your being 23 shows: you seem to think "grades" = "life". Only someone who's lived totally in the world of school thinks that. Yes you do have to get back on track, start fresh, and finish your degree. But your resume isn't going to show your GPA, so don't worry so much about that. Your college transcript isn't your "life" transcript!

>What is the best way for me to stop being attracted to Indian girls (I think a lot of them are really pretty?

Well first, you can't stop being attracted to who you're attracted to. If you could, then gays could be "converted" to straight. They obviously report (if they're allowed to be honest) that this 100% fails. So this is kind of silly to attempt anyway.

>, Im just not good enough) I have accepted this fact

Fact? Fact did you say? :) No, this is just your current interpretation of your situation. The facts are what happened, but not what that means about you as a person. Your choices now about what to do in this situation will be what really defines you.

Final note: One book that's very easy to read and that I really, really think would help you a lot right now is this one. It's based on CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and the key insight for them is to separate your interpretations of situations from the facts--sort of the core message here.

Edit: grammerz

See for me and my wife we agreed that divorce was never an option while the kids were home. And because of that we worked through some real hard shit (massive post partum depression) which we might not have otherwise got over.

My advice is this: Love is not just an emotion, it's a verb. You choose to love through actions and choices. I'm 14 years into marriage and we've had "good times and bad" but through it all we get stronger.

If any of you are pups entering into marriage I would recommend you and your partner read this book. It helped my wife and I immensely.

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

The tl;dr of it is this: We all show and accept love in different ways. If you show love in a way differently than your partner receives it, you can both be left felling unloved. So make an effort to show your partner love in their way, even if it's not your goto.

example: My wife feels love through verbal encouragement. I was raised to leave things unsaid. But now I tend to be sure to make a choice to verbalize things I would not have done, just because it helps her feel loved.

I feel love through acts of service, that's why I'm always working hard to serve my family. My wife's not naturally wired that way so a few times a week she goes out of her way to do a little thing that helps me feel loved. (She pressed my shirts for work this weekend while I was out with the kids, usually that's my job).

I am glad you had a good first session. Therapy can be very hard on both parties. Thanks for letting us know how it went.

I first want to say that I agree that you should listen to what your wife is asking and do the tasks agreed upon in therapy, but the situation made me think of a book my wife and I read through our counseling period. It is called "The Five Love Languages". It basically goes through different personality types and how best to make them feel loved. I don't agree with everything in the book, but with everyone telling you to do more around the house, I figured I would say that maybe that will do nothing. Service oriented work for my benefit does nothing for me personally, the same goes for my wife. It doesn't matter if she cooked dinner or cleaned the bathroom because I would do it if it needs doing. Delivering service to the other is fulfilling to both of us, which is why I am happy to do any given chore. Giving her gifts (flowers or chocolates) does more for her than any chore would ever do. For what its worth, I would suggest to do what is agreed upon in therapy, and try to figure out if the "help around the house" answer was sincere or if there is another way to help her feel loved that would be more effective.

Edit: After reading my post, I realized that I am acting my male instincts - giving advice to fix a problem rather than just listening...

These sections jumped out at me:

>One of my uncles mentioned something to her about being happier in his 50s than he has ever been - his 20s were about making mistakes and growing up, 30s were about finding who he was, and 40s and 50s just got better and better.

>What I want is to make Linda happy above all else. I want to remove stress from her life. I want to provide everything she needs so that she never has to want for anything.

I tend to agree with your uncle that the 20s are a time to make mistakes and grow up--to strive, to fail and try again--which leads to self-reliance. This is directly opposed to your wish to 100% provide for and protect Linda. I think your style of love is fine and some women, in some situations, would be perfectly suited to receiving that kind of love happily...but it sounds to me like Linda wants the freedom to make mistakes. I could be wrong, but I think removing all stress from her life, as lovely as that sounds on the surface, is not truly what she wants.

A year ago I would not have been writing this to you. I wanted what you are offering Linda. Part of me, I admit, still wants that kind of partner, that kind of life. However, the past year has been a pivotal year of growth for me that truly typifies the 20s (I'm 28, almost 29). My heart was utterly broken by a man who I thought was going to marry, and the reason he cited for rejecting me was I wasn't striving enough. I was taking some classes and working on my career path, but not enough. At the time I felt really angry, hurt, and misunderstood. Couldn't he see how hard I was trying?

Then I got a business opportunity and I took it. It was a chance I just couldn't pass up. I was still horribly depressed from the breakup but I took the leap. In the past year my life has been transformed by that leap, and everything that came after it. Now I have a new community of likeminded people in my life, of a kind that I've never ever had before. I've taken those final steps from student to professional. I'm being recognized for my professional abilities that I've been training for but always felt such doubt and anxiety over. Additionally I've tried out some new skills and put on some new "hats" so to speak; I've been pleased to find that I'm good at wearing these additional hats. I'm proud of myself.

And yet I can hardly believe that I have stuff to be proud of, because I started off in such a shitty place. For so much of my 20s I was drifting. I took things slowly. I asked for help a lot. I took it easy. In my case I didn't have a partner enabling me, but my family. I suppose socially I relied upon my ex a good deal, and that's why my new community is so awesome.

In the last year, I've dug deep, took chances, and worked harder than I ever have before. I love myself more than I ever have before.

Maybe I'm biased from my experience, but I have a suspicion that Linda yearns for some kind of challenge and eventual success. Her wish isn't for you to pave the way for her to make it as easy and smooth as possible. It's hard to say no to that when someone offers. Especially when that someone's "love language" (have you read the book The 5 Love Languages?) is to provide material possessions and make decisions. So really it's logical that she wants to be apart from you because then she can strive and succeed, instead of watching you leap into action to strive and succeed for her.

Does that make sense? Again, I realize I am biased by my own story. Even so, I believe it is worth considering as a possible explanation.

If it does turn out that this makes sense for Linda (obviously she would need to confirm this), then my next suggestion would be for you to talk to a life coach or therapist about how to disengage and allow her the space to try and fail on her own. There are also wonderful books on the subject. If you PM me I could give you a list of books that have helped me. (With a previous partner I also used to take charge way too much and cushion him from stuff, so that's something I had to learn to do, too.)

If you care about Linda and keeping her as your wife, you will allow her to grow and learn--on her own.

> My life has no point.

You're only 16, so the only point in your life right now is to get an education so that you can better understand the world, find a place and means to carve out a decent living, and discover your purpose in life by trying lots of different things.

> Gyms are full of mirrors, I need to look at my ugly face all the time, I can't get it out of my head.

Have you considered running outside? There are no mirrors out there, and if you run in the right places you might also get to enjoy the beauty of nature while you're at it. Trust me when I say that running is a great way to get all of these negative thoughts out of your mind, at least for a little while.

> All I do in a day is go to the gym, eat & sleep.

If you don't like your routine, change it. As I said, give outdoor running a try. Explore your music tastes and find that motivating song / album / artist to listen to while you run.

> Because I was born with an ugly face & shit bone structure, I have to suffer my whole life, I have no chance to be happy, to have a family or anything. I can only watch other people loving each other, while I'm dying inside.

I know people have said this already, but chances are strong that you're not actually ugly. Depression can make you think that you are, but you probably are not. However, let's assume for a moment that you are horrendously butt-ugly. That shouldn't stop you from being able to be happy and to have a family. Look around you - there are TONS of hideous people out there who somehow still manage to find someone to spend the rest of their lives with and be happy together. There is more to being attractive than just looks. Someone who is confident and happy with himself is more attractive than someone who is depressed and frowning all the time, even if the happy person is slightly less physically good-looking.

> I don't know what the hell am I going to do with my life, I can't talk to anyone, I can't hold eye contact, I'm frowning all the time, I feel like I have no soul.

Believe it or not, these are things that virtually EVERYONE goes through at some point in their lives. These are all things that you can change, because unlike your physical appearance, they are all inside your head. I've been down in the dumps before, and I know that it feels impossible to ever get out of the self-made pit you find yourself in. Still, IT CAN BE DONE. You should consider reading the book Feeling Good by David Burns - it offers concrete strategies for lifting yourself out of depression through the use of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).

> Everywhere I look, people are enjoying themselves, whether it's the TV or outside, everyone is happy, talking to friends/partners, kissing themselves, while me, I'm just here, but it's like I don't even exist.

I've had these thoughts before about my friends and acquaintances at college, but the reality is that nobody is ever as happy as they appear in their Facebook pictures. I've spoken with enough people at school to realize that many people are actually miserable but happen to be really good at putting up a happy front for everyone else to see. The world is a competitive place, and so everyone is constantly trying to one-up one another by pursuing wealth, better looks, etc.

I'm currently single, and the thought that I will die alone frequently crosses my mind, even though this time last year I was happy as a clam because I had an awesome girlfriend. I felt forever alone just days before she walked into my life, and just days after she walked out of it. Life is unpredictable, so just keep in mind that those "happy" people you see around you WILL experience tragedy, misery, and maybe even depression at some point in their lives. You can't truly experience happiness without also experiencing sadness - that's why the bad moments in our lives exist, to make the good ones better.

> Before, I was fat, playing video games all day. I changed a lot in past 2 years, I lost weight, got muscle, haircut, better clothes, did everything I could.

This is something to be proud of. Not many people can say that they went from being fat to being muscular and physically fit. Look at the world around you - America is full of grossly obese people who just don't give a shit. Would you rather be "happy" and slowly drowning in your own fat and filth?

> Why are all the bad things happening to me? Why do I always have to be the worst, why is everyone always at a better position than me?

Do you have a roof over your head? Food and water? A computer from which you're posting this? Do you live in a wealthy first-world country? These are things that a large percentage of the world's population does not have access to, so consider yourself lucky. Happiness is not about material comforts - there are probably plenty of happy people living in third-world countries and fighting for survival each day. In fact, people in the Western world tend to be unhappier for some reason. It's not that they're ungrateful, but they're constantly comparing themselves to the people who are better than them and feeling worthless when they fall short of such impossibly high standards.

> I need to change my life, I want to change my life, but I don't know what to do.

Do something. Do ANYTHING. At such a young age, you have a lot of potential for personal change and self-discovery, so take advantage of it.

Grab life by the balls and make it your bitch.

Alright man, I realize that I was lucky in the genetic lottery to have a foundation to work with, but I am in the middle of the scale. I'm definitely not one of those guys who is just beautiful, I gain weight easily if I don't watch what I eat, and I certainly wasn't doing myself any favors by the way I dressed. What I'd say, even if you're at the total end of the scale on the ugly side (which I doubt, everyone's their own harshest critic), but it's possible, is you still have things that are within your control. You can't control your face, but you can control your weight, how you carry yourself, how you conduct yourself, and how you present yourself.

For fitness check this out: https://www.reddit.com/r/Fitness/wiki/getting_started
You don't need to join a gym or anything like that either, it can help motivate some people, but for me I wouldn't go because I'd procrastinate just getting there. Now I jump-rope at home and do a variety of pushups/pullups one day and dips/rows the other. I'm hitting my legs/cardio with the jump-rope and my entire upper body between the others, I rarely spend over 30 minutes a day, and I don't leave the house.

How to carry yourself: This is a great Ted Talk on the subject: https://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are?language=en

Also, taking into consideration how to carry yourself and moving into how to conduct yourself, this book covers both subjects very well, I highly recommend it: https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Anyone-Success-Relationships/dp/007141858X

And as far as presentation goes, you don't need to break the bank, just check out /r/malefashionadvice and get a primer on how to buy clothes that fit well. This is also a great look at how to have a wardrobe that seems varied on the surface, but is actually quite minimal and affordable: http://www.artofmanliness.com/2014/11/21/how-to-build-a-minimal-wardrobe-video/

Also, one thing you can't do on your own is getting a good haircut. Find a barber and spend the extra cash, it's amazing.


Side-note: If you have any physical disabilities or deformities, that's really beyond the challenges I've had to deal with. I'd imagine all my advice is still applicable, but that it would definitely make things much harder, so I'd suggest finding a forum with people who are more experienced when it comes to such things.

I think that you're going to have to try a bunch of things and see what you enjoy. It sounds like you haven't had the opportunity or drive to develop outside hobbies, and I'm going to venture a guess that during primary and secondary school you were raised in a culture that encouraged studying and very little else. So, now's the time to figure out what you like.

If you're somewhat into reading, I'd recommend The Girly Book Club. I'm a part of my local chapter, and it's a great way to meet fellow introverts and make some friends. Looks like there's a local chapter in Stuttgart: https://www.meetup.com/The-Stuttgart-Girly-Book-Club/.

Others have already mentioned using Meetup.com to find some groups you can join. Here is the link to the Leipzig, Germany meetup groups. Pick a few that sound interesting to try out.

Other ideas would be finding an organization on campus to get involved in--it could be related to an interest or career development. Volunteer somewhere for a cause that interests you, such as helping at an animal shelter since you love dogs. Take fitness classes or local cooking classes. Pick up photography. Learn to go hiking. Go geocaching. You can do a quick Google search for hobby ideas to get a list of things, and then try the ones that sound somewhat interesting to you. Also try a few things that you normally wouldn't--you never know what you might like!

As for the social skills, the good news is that they're skills and so you can learn and improve if you set your mind to it. There are videos, books and articles about things like body language, how to be a good conversationalist, how to connect with people more easily. Pick up a copy of How to Win Friends and Influence People. It's a classic for a reason. How to Talk to Anyone is also a good read.

Pete, setup informational interviews at organizations near you, professional and college. This is a form of networking that will help you learn who holds positions who will give you 10-30 minutes of their time to learn about duties and skills in different roles at different ballclubs.

You have to ask, ask, ask, but you will learn of many ways you know someone who works at these clubs. Use your networks to find connections that are 1,2,3 levels deep. You will find its likely that over time you'll only have to go 1 or 2 levels of connection. Ask the athletic departments at your university. A lot of clubs have spring training in AZ, so you're likely in a good spot to find connections. Here is an example of what you could ask:

> I'm so_and_soap, a senior here at NAU. I'm interested in working with MLB and am wondering if there are some staff here who can help me setup informational interviews at the Diamondbacks, MLB?

There are three goals (or however many you make up) for informational interviews.

1. Get answers to the questions you have about skills and duties. Skills are valuable to learn; by knowing the required skills you will interview well and likely do the job well. Duties help you think about the jobs you would like.
   
   
2. Get the word out that you want to get an entry level job when you graduate, titles might include coordinator, analyst, associate, etc. Be open, say yes to things.
   
   
3. Build your network. It is nice to meet people and is the most likely way to get anything done in business. Don't feel an obligation to be close with informational interview people. Keep it light and focussed, having fun. You will run into the same people over time and relationships will build from it. In the meantime, they might be able to help you with making introductions to people who have the power to hire you. It is these people you who can hire you that you want to meet.
   
   
   Patience
   You might find something at your ballclub within your search timeframe quickly. Most likely, though, you will need to include more companies in your search. Whatever the job, focus on developing those skills you think ae most important to land you at MLB or other targetted companies.
   
   
   Networking ideas:
   Linkedin, parents, university alumni, directories, friends, friends' parents, guest lecturers, professors, bosses
   
   
   Say Yes
   In your replies to comments you have said 3 times that you don't know something or don't have requisite skill for something. That is not productive nor useful to your efforts. Instead think of a question that might get that piece of information answered.
   
   
   Resources
   
   Highly Effective Networking by Orville Pierson
   
   Use your head to get your foot in the door by Harvey Mackay
   
   Nonviolent Communication
   
   Spin Selling
   

Hey!

Ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term that includes any activities where all parties involved know about the outside relationships and agree to participate. So if I am into another man, both my husband know about the guy and the guy is aware that I am married. It includes everything from swinging (sex, no emotions, typically done as a couple) to polyamory (literally "multiple loves" and can include multiple loving relationships) and a bunch of other dynamics.

Us? We allow for the "spark." You know how you meet somebody at random and you feel a connection with them? A spark? Like for some reason, at a crowded bar or gym or library, you spark with that one random stranger? That. That is our ethical non-monogamy. When that happens, we go to our spouse and let them know we felt that with somebody else. We talk it out. We are excited for each other and encourage each other.

We personally don't seek out other relationships; no dating profile or swing clubs here. We simply enjoy our loving and healthy marriage and if we feel a connection with another, we are free to explore why that person has been brought in our path. Maybe they are meant to be a friend, or teach us a lesson. Maybe they are to be the greatest fuck of our lives. Maybe we could love them. We don't want to spend our lives wondering "what if." We have found some love, some lust, some heartache, some heartbreak, but overall, it has been an incredibly positive experience.

This requires gobs of honest communication, so you'd be a natural at that end of it.

Both my husband and I have realized, after time and practice and mistakes, that neither of us are interested in sex without loving emotions. We just aren't into unemotional sex. Can we have a couple drinks and find a beautiful chick to give my husband a two girl BJ with me in a nightclub bathroom stall? Sure. But sexual relationships with a consistent partner requires actually caring about that person as a potential member of our family. The emotions never go away. You get concerned, jealous, elated, frustrated, etc. It is all in learning how to deal with those emotions. I guess, at the end of the day, if my husband all of a sudden fell in love with another woman and didn't want anything to do with me anymore, well, I don't want a relationship with that man anyway. That is not the man I married.

Some can have sex without emotions. The questions is can you guys? To thine own self be true.

https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379

https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X/ref=pd_sim_14_1?ie=UTF8&dpID=41V-zAQaZbL&dpSrc=sims&preST=_AC_UL320_SR208%2C320_&psc=1&refRID=BNXW54MZ79NJYTRHTGWV

https://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two-Practical-Polyamory/dp/0991399706/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_3?ie=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=RZ5Q4XCC0W2J9E9CA237

http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339

I've just finished this book and cannot wait to try the exercises. You could probably find the pdf somewhere online. I can't say much for anxiety but the first "Breaking Free Activity" goes along the lines of:

"Write down three possible safe people or groups that might be able to provide support for you in your recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome.
If no one comes to mind, get out the telephone directory and look up counselors or support groups in the phone book. Write down three names and phone numbers and call them when you finish this chapter. If you are employed by a company with an Employee Assistance Program, this is another resource. If you know someone who has been to therapy or a support group, ask them for information. If you have access to the Internet you can search for 12-step groups or support groups."

The point being that 1. You should let the pain out otherwise you will continue to suffer internally and externally. 2. Searching for help isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength because you are making the call to better yourself and that in itself is powerful. 3. Actions speak louder than words. Some people can tip-toe to better themselves, others must dive right in. You decide what you need to do and then do it, it's that simple but frustratingly difficult at the same time. If you don't think it's enough, go deeper. Ultimately action is what defines what you choose to better yourself.

In regards to not knowing what it means, it doesn't matter. It could be the simplest task to the complex anomaly. As long as YOU know it makes you better in some capacity, then it will make you better overall. Learn how to take any situation and apply a positive spin on it for yourself. You can't be better unless you look for and do things to make it so. Truth be told, you have to get out of your comfort zone ("the anxiety"). I'm in the same boat and am still making gains.

Best of luck!

28M here, I am with a 23F g/f of three and a half years (soon to be proposing, but shh, don't tell her) We are very happy together and I can offer you some basic tips.
Okay, so after venting on someone who gave you a real dog turd nugget of advice, I am going to offer something practical and if my fellow redditors downvote me so be it. (I actually don't give shits about Karma, but I do want to give you constructive advice)
Your problem is not rooted in non-monogamy, it is rooted in a much more basic relationship issue. People express and receive feelings of love much differently. Generally, there are five types of expression

Acts of service (honey, I cleaned the house)

Gift Giving (self explanatory)

Kind words (saying "I love you/appreciate you")
physical touch (sex, cuddling, etc)

And MOST RELEVANT to you Quality Time

Now, his hunting is the activity, but his lack of understanding your need of Quality Time is the true cause of your issues. You need to communicate this to him. Tell him you appreciate the things he does, and my guess is that he probably tries to do other things on the list, guys particularly put a lot of weight into gift giving, because that's what society tells us males to do when you females are unhappy.
Communicate. Also, if my suggestion is of any merit for you, then I suggest reading "The Five Love Languages" http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/0802473156
This book changed my life and my relationship is incredible as a result. If you're getting serious, read it! Oh and best of luck
Edited for formatting

A Good Easy Read To Start With There's a teen version too.

You're still a long way off from teen years. Don't worry. 7 years old is normal to develop a crush but at that age a crush just means someone you think is a cute and funny. When she's along the lines of 10-12 is when most girls start having "boyfriends" but even then it'll be something that lasts a week at most. Don't bog her down with a lot of love advice right now. The best thing you can do is just listen. If she has a question, answer it, but don't give unsolicited advice because you will probably be wasting your breath. If you feel like you NEED to give advice one thing you can say is, "Would you like to know what I would do if I were in this situation?" and she'll probably say yes and want to hear it.

Definitely give her some books about her body's changes and how to say no and all that. Amazon has a lot of good ones. There was one by American Girl called The Care and Keeping of You which gives age appropriate advice on puberty and hygiene. Girl's Life magazine is GREAT for young girls. It gives age appropriate advice, has a lot of learning content, and a lot of articles about puberty. Having "the talk" just once is not enough. It's a series of conversations. And having books and magazines to refer to over time is so helpful. You don't want her googling to find out those things or asking her friends.

Don't spy on her, ever. The one time she catches you doing it, she will pretty much never trust you again. Also, unless she very seriously does something to break your trust, do not do things which would invade her privacy without her consent. Stuff like going through her phone or taking her bedroom door away. That's stuff you should only do if you think she might be a danger to herself and others and you have to do a serious intervention. Girls take their private space very seriously. If you raise her right and make her feel safe, she will come to you before you ever have to go to her. I promise.

And this feeling is even greater in people identifying as having 'Codependent' personalities:

From this page:

http://coda.org/index.cfm/meeting-documents/patternsPage/ and the cached version

Excerpts:

• I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.
  
• My unselfishness is often misconstrued or misperceived with negative results.
  
• I judge what I think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough.
  
• I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
  
• I compromise my own values and integrity too much, to avoid rejection or anger.
  
• I put aside my own interests too much in order to do what others want.
  
• I am hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.
  
• I freely offer advice and direction to others without being asked.
  
• I become resentful when others decline my help or reject my advice.
  
• I can defiantly take care of myself without any help from others, but
  
• I believe most people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
  
• I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings, and behavior over my own.
  
• I constantly seek recognition that I think I deserve, but at the same time:
  
• I am embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.
  
• I think 'The more I suffer, the more it shows I really care'
  
  Some things to consider:
  
  
• For those of you who are thinking that these excerpts apply to you, click on the link and check the full list. If some most of them apply to you, do some research on your own, whether that's a coda meeting, buying a book, or just reading some more literature. I know you'll feel a lot better soon.
  
  
• I have felt more caring and compassion at CoDA meetings than I ever have with most people. We're nice, we promise!
  
  
• Most people deal with their codependency with a particular drug of choice, whether it's liquor, wine, beer, porn, coke, pot, food, or exercise. Honesty time: Mine is food.
  
  
• So, either type of Jameson (Jenna or liquor) listed elsewhere in this comment section may help cover up those feelings, but only for a bit.
  
  
• As for God: All that's required is just a 'higher power'. I'm an atheist; I still go. I replace it with 'Nature' or 'The Universe'. Anyone who admonishes you for not believing in their God is acting inappropriately, really. Really.
  
  
• A great book, it really helped me: Codependent No More
  
  
• This does not demonize consideration or empathy. People who are codependent can't help feeling this way, to a fault. We 'help until it hurts', and we can't stop. A balance is crucial, and the program is helping me find the right balance.
  
  
• If you don't feel this way, please don't criticize those who do. Everyone is different and everyone has things they already have a good balance with.
  
  
• A $20 book or an hour long meeting is a small commitment to potentially discover something incredible about yourself, even if you decide afterwards that it doesn't apply.

You're the one that needs to find yourself again then. I'd recommend daily meditation to accompany this meditation book:

(1) Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening https://www.amazon.com/dp/1622036050/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_wboYAbF706VED

This paying attention to yourself will help you gather your pieces of yourself.

And then I guess you're trying to be someone you're not, to gain the approval and validation of others. Maybe this is from childhood trauma, or how your parents showed you love only when you "acted" in a certain way, but my next recommendation will dive into all that:

(2) No More Mr Nice Guy: A Proven Plan for Getting What You Want in Love, Sex, and Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/0762415339/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_LcoYAbM18P7XT

Then I'd recommend taking these courses created by Jordan Peterson to find out who you are at a deeper level, and then reconstructing you and building you up again but authentically and not as a "character":

(3) 2017 Personality and Its Transformations (watch all these lectures): https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL22J3VaeABQApSdW8X71Ihe34eKN6XhCi

(4) https://www.understandmyself.com


(5) https://www.selfauthoring.com


Put in the work with what each material recommends and you'll grow into your true self. And just to let you know, I used to do the same thing and was a character until I unlocked my true being. My sister even said a few years back I had a "different" personality and it freaked her out, but she could tell from my authenticity and happiness that this is the real me now. The previous me was a character, and looking back, a depressed one at that even though I always seemed "happy".

What helped me also besides the introspective journey I recommend above, is talking to strangers. I'd meet people in bars and what not, and this was during a time when I was trying to learn how to meet girls, but an interesting thing happened: I started noticing how I act around people I don't know, and with the pressure gone of who I "should" be, I had the freedom to be who I am.

Another thing that's helping me to this day, is to get into a relationship that loves you for the real you. This comes after you've discovered yourself, but old habits may come up when you don't even realize it, and with my girlfriend she keeps me honest with myself.

Realize that this isn't a light switch, this is a hero's journey towards finding and unlocking who you are as a person, the peeling back the layers as you gain a deeper and deeper understanding of your true self. Change only happens to those that want it, and the fact that you took the time to read all this, and write what you wrote.. that means you want it.

See you on the other side.

These were the lessons I learned that changed the way I saw things. I'm going to speak frankly because what you said resonates with how I felt when I was younger.

First, since I love reading, here's a good read that might be helpful

Kindness

The prerequisite for respect from others is, first and foremost, self-respect. There is a profound difference between kindness coming from a place of self-respect and kindness coming from neediness. One asks nothing in return, simply for personal satisfaction of adhering to one's own personal pillars, the other gives expecting reciprocation. Respecting the self doesn't mean being an asshole to others, it's knowing what you want, what you value, and being willing to stand behind those regardless of others. Learn to need only the self, and you become a foundation from which true kindness can be found. Don't be afraid to let people see who you are.

This is the vital issue with the 'nice-guy' syndrome, and why you see bitterness come from 'nice-guys', especially when it comes to romantic interests. 'nice-guys' try to slip in an unspoken contract under their kindness, 'I'm going to be nice to you so I expect something in return'.

-----------------
Attention

The loud, the colorful and the entertaining get the most attention. They may be rude and narcissistic, but they probably have more presence or 'I AM HERE' than someone who's nice, friendly, and kind. Attention isn't necessarily a good thing, the person who fucks around and has outbursts of rage gets attention and is entertaining, but no one respects them. The rotting apple garners as much attention as the apple pie next to a bowl of fruit. The people you describe may just have a stronger sense of self, what the self wants, and the self-respect to let that be known. People are drawn to that which is different. Different, not better, not worse.

--------------------

Narcissism

Whlie we're on the topic of narcissism, the 'nice-guy' is one of the most narcissistic types of people. They convince themselves they're being altruistic, but they do things for others for the sake of getting something in return for themselves.

>'I always do them favors, they should do them for me, I'm always friendly with them they should be friendly to me, [I] listen to them they should listen to me, I'm always there for them they should always be there for me'.

You paid them in kindness and now they're revoking the contract because they 'end up using, disrespecting and leaving me'.

I only say this because I was like this once before. Once I began to see my 'kindness' through this lens, it became very easy to distinguish moments when I was being kind expecting something in return, and when I was being kind for the sake of it. Once I started to establish a firmer understanding of what I wanted, and what I personally valued, I noticed, over time, that people respected me more. They saw genuine me, not hiding behind the hollow mask of kindness.

I recently read Codependent No More and I can’t recommend it enough. It has really helped me see how my old thinking and behavior in relationships kept me locked in unhealthy patterns and kept me from developing as a person, independently of what anyone else was doing. It’s helping me realize that the only person who I can or should try to control is myself.

I’m currently reading The Language Of Letting Go by the same author, which has daily thoughts about about the same topics. It has also been hugely helpful to me, and is available for free, along with other recovery readings, at recoveryreadings.com.

When I first got sober this time around I went to an Alanon meeting, which is a support group for people who are in relationships with alcoholics. I’m not currently in a relationship, and it didn’t feel entirely relevant to where I am right now, but it’s a fantastic resource and might be worth checking out.

Therapy has also been a great resource and support for me. I’ve gotten sober before while living with an active alcoholic. My ex was not as regular or as compulsive of a drinker as I was, but he still drank regularly, in unhealthy ways, and addiction popped up in a lot of ways, for both of us, in how we lived our lives. It was tough for me to stay focused on doing what I needed to do to take care of myself and support my sobriety. I worked a lot on putting effort into it, but I didn’t look for ways to get the support that I needed. More support, earlier, would’ve helped me a lot.

That’s just my experience, for what it’s worth. I wish you luck, and it sounds like you’re in a loving and healthy headspace regarding all of this.

> Though the part where you wrote that the stuff we shared is less meaningful, that is a hard thing to swallow.

Well, maybe I should clarify. The things that you shared may be less meaningful to her. They may have more meaning to you, though, possibly because you're holding on to the meaning.

What's interesting is the reverse may happen to you. At some point in your life, you'll have a relationship with someone, but you'll grow apart from that person where you won't want to be around that person as much. They may still want to be close to you, though.

There's an interesting book about this called "Attached": https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585429139/ -- You can probably find it at the library as well, if you don't want to buy it for $10.

It's a verbose version of this wikipedia page: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory

A friend of mine found the book very interesting and it explained to her why she had difficulty with friendships/relationships.

Anyway, to address your points:

> 1- most people already have a close friend or a group of friends and are not taking applications.

Yes... And no.

Yes, many people already have close friend / friend group, but no. In fact, many will also take new comers... If they fit or add to the group somehow.

> 2- I have developed a fear of getting close to people (emotionly).

See that book "Attached". It covers this pretty well. It may help you realize why you carry this fear.

> 3- just because you strike a conversation with someone, that won't guarantee anything.

Yes, and if you don't strike up a conversation, then definitely, without a doubt, nothing will happen. So the reality is that when a door opens a little bit, why not open it a little more? If a door opens, don't just automatically close it. Chances are the person behind the door won't try to open it again. And then you have a self-fulfilling prophecy where you keep closing doors and indeed they'll stay shut. Yet somehow you'll keep hoping that all these doors will open magically and everything will be perfect. Friendships are hard sometimes. They can often take a little work. Sometimes they survive and get stronger, sometimes they don't. And that's how it goes.

As Woody Allen once said, "Showing up is 80 percent of life." Keep showing up. People will remember you and want to be your friend if you keep showing up. Not everyone, but some people.

You're short, you have acne, you dress poorly, you're no fun to be around, you have no friends/squad, you're shy/introverted/won't approach, you look like a boy and have no authority, you have no sexual experience ... why do you think you should have a girlfriend again?

I know I'm being harsh, but the earlier you learn this the better: you must offer value. Otherwise why do you think anyone would be with you?

Work on the things you can, accept the things you can't.

Short - no solution.

Acne - eat better, sleep better, see a dermatologist.

Learn to dress better.

Finally, learn to socialize. This will have all kind of cascading effects. You will be more fun to be around, you will have a squad, you will have authority based on your friends' opinions of you. It definitely won't be easy, and sure, it goes against what you think is your fundamental nature, but right now, your fundamental nature is also to be girlfriendless. How badly do you want to change the situation?

Some tips for being more sociable: Be generous with your time and thoughts. Compliment people. Listen to them. Think about what they need and offer to help them. Again, you must offer value. Sometimes you won't get anything back. That's part of the pain of the learning process. Let that unrequited kindness go.

Here's a book that may help you with your introverted nature. In part, the author recommends faking it until you make it. Make it into a game, so you can step away, and you can reward yourself for small bit of progress:

https://www.amazon.ca/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352153

I'm introverted and used to be very awkward and shy. At around 17 I noticed it was an area I needed to improve so I started to look around. These are some of the stuff that has helped me change from Shy to energetic (being introverted never changes though but, I love it). Wanting to change is the most important part of it all, you can have all the resources in the world and just not make it because you don't really want it. now, off to the books:

• "How to Win friends and Influence People" - Dale Carnegie
  
• "Think and Grow Rich" - Napoleon Hill (not really a book about being more social, but i always recommend it)
  
• "The War of Art" - Steven Pressfield (Book about overcoming comfort/laziness)
  
• stuff by leil lowndes (Look around at the stuff she's written and pick what interests you)
  
  ***
  Some subs:
  
  
• I cannot recommend much for depression as its pretty foreign to me (no family/friends or myself have suffered from it) but there is /r/depression, so check it out if you want to.
  
  
• I'd recommend inner game stuff from /r/seduction. They do lots of strange things that turn people off but they're inner game is solid. To skip their front-page just check this. They recommend this book for depression.
  
  
• /r/socialskills
  
  
• I also recommend exercising (/r/Fitness, /r/loseit or /r/gainit).
  
  
• /r/malefashionadvice /r/malelifestyle /r/everymanshouldknow
  
  Avoid what is hurting your growth. Basically, anything you abuse (keyword there) from video games to alcohol to masturbation (you'll know what it is). A good way to get rid of bad habits is to start filling your time with positive ones until the good overcomes the bad. Find a hobby that will get you socializing (almost all will). Some examples: sports (martial arts as stated before, any sport really), art (music, drama, painting lessons), if you're in school or college there's definitely clubs out there. Donating your time and effort to a good cause. Voluntary work always gives a great sense of worth and happiness.
  
  Just remember, you've described things that you currently are (shy, insecure, awkward) all of these will change only if YOU want to. Most of them are overcomed by comming out of your comfort zone (its simple, not easy). Your comfort zone is probably very small, all you gotta do is widen it. You gotta have to want to change and improve more than you want to stay the way you are. Nobody is the same person as they were yesterday so make sure that the person you'll be tomorrow is better than who you are today. Good Luck.

As many of our INTP compatriots, we have wit on our side. I try to use this to my full advantage. Women like intelligence, and if you can tantalize their minds, their image of you becomes much bolder.

Of course, the thought of rejection causes stress and can cause cessation of any further action. This is a fundamental flaw. Every rejection is an opportunity to learn how the "system" of flirting works. The more you try with sincerity, the more comfortable you become, and more well versed you are.

I'd never consider myself a "ladies man", but if I catch even the slightest glimpse of interest from an attractive member of the opposite sex, I use that as my first bit of motivation; They have interest in you already. Foster the growth of that interest using your intellectual acuity, and dare to be bold. Something I've had to learn over the course of too many years is that women want a man who takes charge. Feign your confidence if you must in the beginning, but you'll soon learn that a confident wit is an invaluable asset.

Also, as outlandish as it may seem, this book helped me tremendously. It may seem primal and deceptive, but there are tips for confidence that allowed me to believe in myself when approaching a woman.

Have courage, embrace your wit, and always have the mentality of the no-lose situation mentioned above.

Not sure about MBCT but a good book on CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy: an older version: https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/cbt-mbct-difference.htm) is https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336
That’s a great read! Not only it explains what you are going through but reading or listening to the audiobook has been studied and proven to help AS therapy!

I highly recommend it.

Good job being aware of your challenges!

Good job noticing your patterns!

Good job admitting your thoughts!

I feel like you are already quite powerfully advancing toward a strongly useful wisdom.

Practice is simple yet difficult as you already pointed out.

Yet that’s the way: keep moving forward with it.

Finally keep in mind that sometimes this could be attributed to a high personality trait of neuroticism. There is s positive and negative about it.

https://www.psychologistworld.com/personality/neuroticism-personality-trait

One positive part of it is that you are more inclined to be able to care for children or relate to people in need.

Good luck!

Dear Stranger on the internet,

I think the question is a bit flawed, so it will be challenging for anyone to give you a satisfying answer. Is it normal to sleep with escorts? Sure. Is there anything inherently wrong with that? No, I don't think so. As a general rule, if an activity brings you satisfaction and doesn't cause any harm to yourself or others then it will be okay. I'll leave it at that because I think others here have already expressed this general idea better.

What I really hope to do in this post is to pass on some advice, from one internet stranger to another.

1. Firstly. you are young. so so young. at 22, you're basically still a kid. (I'm only 25! and I also still think I'm a kid!) but even looking back on the past 3 years I recognize how much I have changed and how much my attitudes (particularly concerning relationships and sex) have changed and matured. The point being: You're circumstances will change, and you will change in response. If you feel discouraged or disheartened by the way things are now then I want to remind you that you have a lot of life left to live :). Don't be too hard on yourself buddy.
   
   
2. Secondly, YOU have the power to change your circumstances. YOU have the power to change your attitudes. YOU have the power to change your outlook on life. Too often people get stuck in a rut and they lose sight of the crucial truth that there is virtually nothing in your life that can't be improved/developed/reassessed.
   
   
3. IF you take one thing away from my post, take this. Read Models by Mark Manson. It changed my life. the book is a mixture of a classic self-improvement book and a practical advice guide to interacting with women. But it is soooo much more than just that. Manson describes a healthy, comprehensive model for what true confidence actually is, and lays out some concrete steps that a person can take to get there. He argues that honesty should be the guiding principle in all aspects of ones life; be honest with yourself, your desires, and your interests. And express those things honestly to the world.
   
   That description doesn't do the book justice, but I would strongly recommend you read it. It is fantastic in more ways than I have time or energy to describe.
   
   I wish you luck and happiness in the future!
   
   

• Friendly internet stranger who read a book and thinks you should also read the book.

You seem like you made a lot of the right steps, man. It sucks about the best friend thing. I've been there too. Doing stuff all the time like picking up hobbies or exploring your state would be great ways to keep your mind off of things. I'm really glad you hit the gym. The best thing you can be doing is working on yourself right now. Don't let anyone tell you how long you need to get over it either. You'll know when you are and when it's time to let go. If you care for reading at all then definitely pick up a few books. Listening to podcasts is another really great thing for getting over the loss. I liked listening to things like Snap Judgment and This American Life. It just helped to hear stories of other people lives. Hearing their struggles and successes, it just helps.
As for dating someone else -http://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty/dp/1463750358
This book did wonders for me. This book is not about how to get laid ten times a week or whatever. It's more about how to be yourself and be okay with that. You'll get through the depression, man. You've learned a lot from this experience and you'll come out the other side stronger. You know more now about how you want to love and be loved, how you think you ought to be as a friend or a lover.
Good luck, man.

\> I know they say you have to be okay on your own before you can be in a healthy relationship- but it seems like a tall order if you have no support. Just wondering if anyone else can relate.

I used to believe that you have to be okay on your own, but now I disagree with statement. Based off of my personal experience and information knowledge of trauma and attachment, I've revised my belief: Even if we don't need one (1) human to be our other half, we need the right social circle and the access to the right resources to have a solid foundation in order to have the skills, motivation, and support make progress toward their goals, feel secure, and be happy.


While I'm not a professional psychologist, what's working for me is trying to be vulnerable but being careful about who I do it with. There needs to be some thought about who I share it with, like what am I trying to do by sharing it with *this* specific person. Am I feeling some inner pain that I believe this person can ease? Am I sharing an experience that I think they will understand? If they don't understand, am I sharing this because I still trust them and I want to bond with them?

I believe healthy relationships is a balance of *relying* (as opposed to needing) on the *appropriate* people depending on the situation (as opposed to relying on the same person for every situation). Sometimes we will take risks and be let down. Over time by doing so, you refine your radar to know who is the best person for a feeling, situation, or experience.

Wishing the best in your healing.

For sure.

I'm happy you found a therapist who helped you navigate through your difficulties. If you could analyze what your therapist did to help you recover, that will help too.

Firstly, my toolkit involves using a combination of meditation and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). To successfully execute CBT, you need to be self-aware and mindful. Practice both together. This is important because when you're able to catch yourself thinking negatively, or start having unwanted thoughts, you're able to identify it and be aware of it's presence. Once you "catch" these thoughts, debate with yourself logically why those thoughts are irrational. The book I read was Feeling Good by David Burns.

Initially, this will be very hard, and it takes a lot of work, but it gets easier and easier once you master it, and trust me when I say this, the ROI for working on this is literally priceless. Took me a consistent 3 years of practicing everyday to pull me out of darkness.

Gradual therapy, slowly exposing yourself to things that scare you. For me the big one was social anxiety and fear of rejection. I made it a mission to go outside everyday just to be in the presence of others. Doing things I like outside with other people. I go to the gym, play pickup soccer and basketball.

Putting yourself first. INFJs love to put others first. Don't do that until you satisfy your needs. Be assertive with what you want and communicate it to others. It seems counter-intuitive, and feels like you're being selfish, but people respect people who hold their ground and provide for themselves first. Your confidence will soar from this. Which has a multiplier effect onto everything you do.

Stoic philosophy. The basis of this philosophy is to only put your energy towards things you can control. Things that you can realistically do right now to change the situation. Things out of your control, for example, other people's thoughts and feelings, the weather, the stock market, be quick to realize a situation you can't control and push it out of your peripheral. Life is too short so don't waste your time on it.

Exercise consistently & keep your diet in check. a must if you're serious about improving yourself. ROI is also priceless and kills many birds with one stone. (self-esteem, confidence, health, mood, sleep, relationships)

Good luck and be very patient. Sometimes you will feel like it's not working, but keep at it and only evaluate yourself after 6 months on your progress, because progress is slooooooow. I guarantee you using the combination factors above will move the needle more positively. If you have any more questions feel free to ask.

I'm late to the party, but I really want to offer my $.02. I get the feeling like you are my wife in this scenario, and I'm in the position of your current wife. Don't string her along. If you can be open and willing to fix it, then you will fix it. If she's desperate to try anything then you don't have to worry about effort on her part, she just needs guidance. You have to be willing to put forth the effort. I'd believe that as long as you are truly open and willing to put forth that effort on your side then it can succeed, and you can start living your life -- with her.

I say this, as a man who has been broke down, shown very little love, and had no guidance. I've asked family, friends, coworkers, and the internet for advice. I've read books and articles. For 3 months I gave up all my hobbies, I gave up all my friends, and I put my 100% into trying to save my marriage because she said she'd give me the opportunity to see what I can do. But she never put effort in on her side, and without HER GUIDANCE I was essentially setting myself up for failure for months. I realized that there was nothing more I can actually do if she isn't willing to even try, which includes giving me guidance to do what she needs. So last Thursday I brought it up in a conversation and she decided that it was best to just end it still, again no help from her side. Don't pity me, this is not a cry for attention. I just want to point out that if you're not going to put in effort on your side, spare her from wasting her time effort and energy. If you want to put forth a legitimate effort on your side into seeing if it's salvageable and start living your life with her (emphasis on living, because it is possible even from a shitty situation), you need to work with her.

If you're going to try, I have recommendations that I suggest the both of you begin with. Read this book. Despite my marriage failing, it has shown me concepts that I intend to follow my whole life. So for that matter, I'd recommend reading it even if you do intend to divorce.

After you read that book, reinforce it with this one. I found that on it's own it's not quite as helpful, but as reinforcement to the first book it just encourages a positive relationship.

Best of luck to you regardless, let me know if you have any questions about what I've done and how I've handled whatever.

Hey Friend,

I'm just a stranger passing by and what I say may mean something, but at the worst, it'll mean nothing, so no harm done

I can empathize with what you are going through to a certain point as I've dealt with similar issues. If I may offer some bits of thought that I've picked up over my life:

What made me really optimistic reading this was this little part you put in: "I've since stopped smoking, started going to bed before 3 am every night, and cut down on my drinking significantly. I've made some progress over the last few months: I'm finally leaving for school, I volunteered to help disabled people exercise throughout this summer (which was extremely daunting due to my social anxiety), and I'm starting to get back in shape."
You seem to have started making attempts to make yourself feel better and that is great, since it is usually the first step to getting happier. but as you continue on your journey just remember that change is one of the hardest things that we as humans can do and it takes time to see results so don't get to down if things don't get better quickly, just keep grinding.

Secondly, something I always struggled with was comparing myself to other people, however over time I've come to realize that comparing yourself to others, is one of the most self destructive behaviors a person can have. we are all on a different schedule with our lives, you mentioned that you feel bad that your hometown friends have gone out to see the world while you stayed and "withered" away at home. the thing is, what they are doing, does not impact your life. Focus on you and your needs and your goals, it doesn't matter what everyone else is doing as long as your striving for something that really means to you.

Now when it comes to interacting with people, I have to fight the same battle, Its my worst nightmare to have to meet new people or go to social events. however over time I've gotten better, and If you are a book person i would recommend two books:

How to make friends and influence people - Dale Carnegie
Its a great resource on human psychology and offers great advice on how to deal with people and situations while also offering a great guideline on how to have positive interactions with people

https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0671027034/ref=sr_1_cc_1?s=aps&ie=UTF8&qid=1504163698&sr=1-1-catcorr&keywords=how+to+win+friends+and+influence+people

The Second would be "Models" - Mark Manson
While its technically a dating advice book, its far more than that. this book goes in depth about what it means to be attractive and have a fulfilling life, its a wonderful motivational book as it goes to a much deeper level then most. (It is absolutely not your typical dating advice book where it feeds you lines and teaches mannerisms, it is so much more than that its just really down to earth and honest)

https://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty/dp/1463750358/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1504163932&sr=1-1&keywords=models+mark+manson

The thing is, new adventures are scary, change is scary, and moving to a different place while exciting can bring forth feelings of insecurity. But in the end, we can either let those feelings decide who we are or we can take a stand against them and actively strive to improve ourselves.

You are doing great and I want you to know that Whatever you choose to do I'm over here rooting for you, you got this. sending positive vibes your way my friend :)

I've been poly for 10 years, and in a new LDR (4 months). He's a touring roadie, I'm an in-town roadie.

I would strongly recommend doing some reading on polyamory, open relationships, swinging, all that stuff. There's tons of great literature out there. Even if full-on multiple relationships isn't what you're looking for, you'll pick up lots and lots of tools to smooth a transition to non-monogamy, and just in general to have healthy communication.

Before you talk to him about it, and before you get with anyone else, try to have an idea of what you'd like, and what your boundaries are. Do you want just NSA booty, or FWB? What would you be comfortable for him to do with other women? What about barriers? Do you talk about your other partners, or is it a DADT situation? What if feels happen? A good rule of thumb is to picture your partner with someone else, having a great time. If this elicits strong feelings of jealousy, anger, and general badness, there's going to be a lot of things to work through.

After you've got a good idea of where you want to go, bring it up with him. Not with a specific other partner in mind, but just as a concept. Ask him to do research for himself. Even if he says "No way!", have him do the reading and make an informed decision. Make up your mind whether or not this is a deal breaker.

We're pretty strongly conditioned against the idea of non-monogamy, but the fact is that it's all around us. Open relationships are a pretty common practice, and can be part of a lot of healthy, loving, long-lasting romances.

I thought I would have to really reconsider my poly attitude when I met my current guy, because I am crazy-nuts-bananas in love. When I told him about it, he laughed that I had been scared and told me he had been in open relationships for a decade and preferred it!

Good luck on spreading the love!

https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379

https://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two-Practical-Polyamory/dp/0991399706

http://polyamorydiaries.com/im-madly-in-love-with-you-but-dont-worry-its-not-a-big-deal/

If you like to read about stuff like this, try "How to talk to anyone" by Lyle Lowndes. The title and premise/self-help style may seem kind of cheesy, but it's really useful if only so that it helps point out the things you may have noticed but don't keep in mind during day-to-day conversations.

I'm not sure if you ever have moments where you can ramble away a perfectly cogent thought, but pay attention to those times when you stop 'thinking' and put those words together in a smooth, receptive manner that is very much in context with the current scenario. If you can do that all the time, or very frequently, then I think that will help you the most. Two things that may help you:

1. Best advice I've ever gotten from a lady-friend and this is her advice to all men everywhere: Take it down a notch. Just one. So however/whatever you were planning on doing/saying to that girl? Just take it down one notch (there are times such as big events one-time-scenarios where you can maintain normal notch capacity)
   
   
2. Sometimes the most important thing is not saying something, or stopping to formulate your thoughts for a moment. There are times I'll want to burst out into conversation with the immediate response that comes to mind...over time I've learned to sort of filter myself unless I'm a bit excited. Sometimes, it's classier to say nothing or to do something subtle rather than say the first thing that comes to mind. Sometimes it's good to store that thought for a later moment in time when it's better formulated or when it is even more prevalent in a conversation. This can make circular conversation far easier and it's always impressive to link the current topic with a previous one with said audience (it shows you pay attention, that the discussion is more relevant than they possibly realized, and that engages people).
   
   P.S. Engage.
   
   http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Anyone-Success-Relationships/dp/007141858X
   
   Also, a current book I'm reading to sort of see the patterns people play out is "The Games People Play" by Eric Bernes (I think I got his name right). This book was sort of a breakthrough on psychology and the way we interact with each other. At the very least, these two books can give you ample information to communicate with people about human communication.
   

I conquered emotional eating and some other comfort habits through meditation. We eat to avoid feeling uncomfortable emotions. So I went out of my way to experience them, lean into them, to meditate on those emotions, to understand and accept them. A few weeks of dedicated meditation on feeling and accepting uncomfortable things, combined with a focus on my values (health is a top priority) and learning other emotional regulation skills (through DBT), allowed me to stop eating emotionally in the vast majority of circumstances. It takes hard work to replace such a strong comfort behavior, but it's possible. I'm sure I'll have to do some version of all that again someday, but it's been months now and I'm still good.

As for hobbies, I think you're describing mood-dependent behavior. Our moods change more often than the tide. If you let your moods dictate your behavior, you'll start and quit things all the time. There is no trick here, just an understanding that no matter what I choose, my moods will eventually make it uninteresting. So if I want something in my life, I need to accept that I'll be uninterested at some point, and I'll need to do it anyway. What's the point then? The point is that I value consistency, I value having skills and hobbies, I want to improve in the areas of my life that fit my talents and ambitions, and I absolutely do not value being flaky with the direction of my life. So when I feel like quitting, I remind myself I'd feel like quitting anything, and I chose this thing knowing I want it in my life long-term no matter what I feel in that moment. ( speaking of which, just about time for my 3 mile walk ;) )

A lot of your struggles sound like mine from last year. Getting serious about a DBT program and a starting a strong meditation practice would probably help you a lot. Practice challenging your self-defeating thoughts would also help. The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown and Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David Burns can teach you a lot. The stories we tell ourselves have extreme power over our internal states (things like "I don't deserve oxygen"), and you can absolutely change the stories you tell yourself. It's worth the effort.

It depends where you're from and how your health care is oriented but generally for stuff like this I would recommend a psychotherapist.

In my experience I find a psychiatrist prescribes western pharmaceuticals which assist you and alleviate symptoms, but they don't handle the root of the issues. Likewise a psychologist will, in this day and age, probably heavily lean on cognitive behavioural therapy (for good reason since it shows consistent empirical proof of its efficacy for a lot of stuff) and this will aid you from refraining from negative thought loops, doomed thinking and a general, more rational self-image and perception of the world.

However, with both practices I felt we weren't adressing a main issue. It felt we were busy with the outer layer, a manifestation of something much deeper which was amiss. I found a great psychotherapist with her own practise (simply with Google XD ) who has her own practise for exactly that reason: to deliver qualitatively psychological care adjusted to the specific person in need. Though of course it's great a society has mass institutions to provide mental health care, due to insurance policies, government cutbacks and just the bureaucracy, these institutions can only give a boiled down, basic mental care which isn't always effective, especially for these nuanced cases. Especially since a lot of troubled people become psychologists!!! Sometimes there also work a lot of young people for they are cheaper. I figured older people with a lot of life experience are of more use to me than someone my own age!

Mental health care is just starting to phantom the consequences of invisible mental abuse parents are inflicting unknowingly on their children, for so much of it is uncunscious and already starts with interaction when children are babies. Also because it takes a sensitive human to even perceive all the subtleties and nuances of human communication so it is of no surprise the more striking physical abuse got the most attention.

I'm getting quite lengthy in this post so to answer your question: I would primarily visit a psychotherapist. However it's very important to note that just as you have good and bad dentists, gentle and rough dentists, fast and slow dentists etc. the same goes for psychotherapists. Find one which suits you. Just follow your own intuition. Your own mind and body will heal you. I thought this was some mumbo jumbo, but they really do. They will always point you in the right direction and always give you feedback. But a thorough mental health track will hasten your recovery.

Again, in short my advice which is working for me: eat really healthy, sport 3 times a week, try to 'move' (walk 20 minutes or something) every day, meditate daily for at least 20 minutes, read the cognitive behavioural therapy bible 'Feeling Good' http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-The-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336 (especially if you have some discipline, saves a lot of time visiting a psychologist who specialises in cognitive behavioral therapy, perhaps start a micro dosing 0,2 grams of magic mushrooms every third day, trip on lsd or mushrooms when you feel you need it (in my case few times a yesr) (from what I'm reading is that mushrooms are more effective than lsd for self therapy but I have to experience lsd first before I can give my own take on it), if you trip on mushrooms; not too much because they're are quite taxing on the brain and mind and you want to incorporate insights into your life as much as possible to get the most out of the next trip. Also look into ayahuasca. I hear and read it does wonders. And read up on this shit!!! XD Upbringing, projection, emotional neglect... it influenced your life in unphantamoble ways. The more you learn how and why, the better.

But! Everything will get better slowly, from now on :)
Good luck!

>I wonder if these nagging feelings will continue, and if it’s worth giving up an amazing connection with him to find someone who will be...I suppose easier in the sense that we can experience life together for the first time.

So. OP.

What I see you saying here is that you really care about this guy. He makes you genuinely happy, your relationship is strong, and you could see yourself building a life together.

HOWEVER, there is this issue between you that could potentially break your relationship. And if that happens, you would need to move on from the connection you've found with him. You'd return to the search, hoping to find someone more compatible to share your life with.

Do you see where I'm going with this? You can't imagine how your partner could want to be with you after committing to someone previously, but that's exactly what you're considering here.

Now imagine all this comes to pass. You end the relationship with your partner, you date around a while, and eventually you begin a new relationship with a different man. After being together a year, you're on solid footing and you're even discussing the possibility of marriage and a family together.

Tell me this: what is your take on this hypothetical new guy?

Would you be pining for the man you're with now? Would you be holding up the new guy to a standard he'd never meet? Would you accept his love and devotion begrudgingly while thinking "UGH I guess I'll have to settle for this second-rate knock off! I wish I could be with the love of my life - the one it didn't work out with. Too bad I'm stuck with this dumb fuckface who loves me and wants to see it work."

Or do you believe you could genuinely love again even if you'd cared deeply for someone else before? Even if he wasn't the first guy you'd considered a family with, would you still be excited to see where things went with him? Would you be excited about hitting certain relationship milestones with him?

Now, this isn't to convince you to ditch your current partner and go seek out something else - although obviously that's your call. But I would like you to put yourself in your partner's shoes for a moment.

Other people here have described you as selfish, but I suspect you're just insecure as fuck. You're not concerned that this great guy doesn't measure up to your standards, you're worried that you don't measure up to his. I would suggest that before you chuck an otherwise good relationship, you ask yourself if this is really about his past or if it's more about yours. Is it possible that this situation is just stirring up anxieties that existed before he came along?

If so, the solution will probably involve some self work. You might try journaling, written CBT exercises, working on your confidence, or even seeking out the guidance of a therapist. The change you see from those courses of action are probably going to be a lot quicker and frankly cheaper than cutting ties with a great partner and throwing yourself back out on the dating market hoping to find a partner who doesn't trigger your anxieties in one way or another.

A few things I've learned that help...

​

1.) Get a therapist, check your insurances coverage first.

- After that you can find some that specialize in what you need, email a few to see if it would be a good fit for you. This website (Psychology Today) is like a google search for mental health help.

2.) Focus on self love and self care make a morning, nightly, and weekly routine. Commit to having "me time." This is just like making sure you have three meals a day.

- Make a special day/night for yourself once a week. Think if you were going on a date with your crush and all of the things you would do to make it so special, but that date is with yourself!

3.) Read Codependent No More

4.) The more you work on yourself, the better you can empower others by just your own [radiant] positivity; by this you are prioritizing your needs first always.

- This is a personal belief I have found through everyone from athletics to artists. I've learned the most in life from people who have improved their own situation to the fullest, and they never stop!

5.) Strictly only be friends with people that support you!

6.) Read You can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay.

- It's saved my life! Some of it is a little funny but just look at the overall message of what she's trying to say.

​

*I'm going through exactly what you are night now and it feels like you will never get out of the cycle, but you will! It takes a lot of time and pure commitment and belief that you will get better!

​

Much love to you! ❤️

Not much more to add. Personally I binged on TV shows I hadn't seen; not sure that was the best move but yeah it did give me something to do, a bit of a passion to indulge. See I am a bit of a geek but through vagaries of having been in the army and other things, had missed out on a lot of TV. A relatively undemanding hobby helped me just tune out the world when that innner voice gets too busy.

Don't be afraid to call on your friends to get out the house for a drink (or whatever.) More than ever this is a time where if it all seems to be going to hell, you need to be with a good friend you can trust. You don't need them to be confessors or anything, just good company that you can call on who'll understand if you're not super chirpy.

I count it as a triumph that I'm still good friends with my ex, I think that's helped a lot. It sounds like you may have been in a similar situation to myself, a partner who didn't know how to communicate. You'll beat yourself up about it but realize it takes two to tango and there's only so much you can do. It may help to read a book about communication: this one gets a good rap. Not so much because you need to learn, just because that that's the way I personally work through things. Okay so I didn't do so great at that, how can I fix this? It's doing something positive.

All that worked for me, hope you find your way and bounce back :)

Rules of the Game - by Neil Strauss

http://www.amazon.com/Rules-Game-Neil-Strauss/dp/0061911690/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1302470632&sr=8-1

I can't believe noone has mentioned it yet. If you want to finally start having relationships with people, getting girls this is the way to go. It takes you through the steps required to interact meaningfully with people (the basis of relationships) and takes you through the basics involved from meeting someone to taking them on a date. (It's a well known idea that there are a number of stages involved in for lack of a better word the courting process, eg. first meeting someone and connecting on some level, building comfort- so that you are both comfortable around each other etc. - this book takes you through the basics)

And the best thing is its not written by some douche- this guy is genuine. The reason he wrote the book was to help guys like me and you who are trying to figure out how to start being social, dating girls and having alot of sex. He's the author of The Game

http://www.amazon.com/Game-Penetrating-Secret-Society-Artists/dp/0060554738/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1302471001&sr=1-1

a great adventure into the world of pickup, it's an absolute blast to read!!! (if you really want check it out quick without buying just yet, you can torrent it hint hint*) Anyway so he has some mad adventures, he went from this normal average guy to this guy thats irresistable to women, bedding many, MANY of them. Its hard to describe this without making him or me sound like a douche but he's awesome and genuine, he frikkin wrote a book to help guys out damnit!!!

Anyway the reason I'm saying all of this is well, I went through the exact same thing. I'm 22 now. About a year ago now I had enough of the bull$hit and decided to figure out how to get with girls and be social, figure all that shit out. Well, I succeeded. Life is better than ever, I have no problems talking to girls, dating them and fucking the hell out of them ^.^ Also figured out who (well still working on it) are the people in my life I can trust, who will help me and who want me to succeed and who are the fucking deadweights holding me back that I have to forget. Ain't being no douche but about a month ago I was seeing 3 girls every week regularly to fuck and I accidentally made one of them fall in love with me >.<, fuck I wasn't prepared for that considering I didn't lay down the groundwork for our relationship n' stuff.

In the end, I realized who I was (still on the journey) and this is the basis of social interaction. The ideal world should be inter-dependant, each person knows what they wants and interact with each other in that respect. Having a laugh with someone is fun, thats why we do it! But we should never give up who we are in order to do it.
Fuck lol, that's way too little words to explain that idea, but the idea comes from Stephen Covey's 7 habits of highly effective people (EPIC BOOK)- which lays the groundwork out on how to live life.

Anyway, PLEASE, PLEASE have a look into The Rules of the Game, I think this is exactly what you're looking for.

Send me a message- I'm here to help a fellow man who needs help out :)

Most allied health students have some issue or another around IV therapy. It's normal to feel some fear since it's an important thing to get right for the health of your patients and there's some amount of difficulty involved. At this point, probably all nursing and medical schools use simulators as part of their training. Here's one way to create and use your own:

Get some latex tubing (the natural, soft, manila colored kind). Pre-mix some water and red food coloring. Fill the tube with the mixure and clamp off the ends with a clothes pin or something similar. Lay this lengthwise over a strong cardboard tube and then cover the latex tubing with a length of flesh colored athletic tape. Don't crush the tube underneath the tape as you do this.

Talk with a nursing instructor that teaches IV therapy or a current student at the school that you want to go to and ask for some handouts, websites or for the name of the publication that they use to teach IV therapy. You might explain what you're working on if necessary. Learn the methodology the way that it's taught at that school. Here is one example methodology. That way, not only will you be working on a phobia, but you'll also learn some "hard" stuff ahead of time.

Then get some common IV size hypodermic needles, catheters and microtainers. Practice IV injections/collection on the simulator that you created above. You might have a good friend hang out with you while you do this. You could even take your kit with you to a counselor and have them pay attention to you while you simulate IV injections. Work up to the point that you begin to feel light headed or nauseous, etc... and talk about what's going on for you. If you feel shaky, sweaty, nervous, a bit light-headed then stay with those feeling for a bit and let yourself shake, sweat, feel light-headed or nauseous, etc.... Repeat this (not necessarily on the same day but over whatever period of time that you're comfortable with) until you're able to (repeatedly) successfully accomplish the task.

You can also use techniques such as those in the book Feeling Good (cognitive therapy) while you work on this. There are also other things you might try like meditation (including soothing music or background noise) or calming or "remaining in the present" type techniques.

As a student, just the preparation that you have to do might keep you focused (distracted from your phobia). Try getting all the technique correct. Did you correctly identify the patient? Did you double-check the medication, dosage and route of administration? Did you ask about drug or other allergies? Did you prepare your materials correctly? Did you wash your hands correctly? Did you swab the injection site correctly? Did you prepare the hypodermic correctly for injection? Did you inject bevel down at the proper angle? Did you aspirate for blood? Did you remember to untie the torniquet? Did you collect enough of a sample in the microtainer? Did you dispose of your needle correctly? Did you deglove correctly? Did you document correctly, etc... etc...?

You could even get a massage before or after working on it. I know that when I was working on publicly performing music, it helped a lot to use some of these techniques and getting an hour long massage just before going on was really helpful, relaxing and confidence building -- a lot like how I've heard people describe an experience with MDMA, although I've never tried it myself.

More than likely, you'll get past this fear, phobia or whatever it is. Break it down into baby steps and work your way through it. Reward/congratulate yourself for each successful step.

Hi. I'm sorry that you're struggling so much, I know the struggle so well. I've been sabotaging my relationship for years because of very similar issues.

A clarifying question - are you old enough to see a psychologist/psychiatrist on your own? Or even just a doctor, for the time being for medication to help you?

The great news is this - you know there's a problem. Many people can't even see that enough to begin to get help, so you're a step ahead of the curve!

A reality check about your boyfriend - here's the deal. You love him, I'm assuming and he loves you. It's your responsibility to take care of yourself as it's his responsibility to take care of himself. What that means is if you tell him, and he doesn't feel up for the job and he leaves - that's not rejection. What it is, is him doing the best thing for both of you. I know it doesn't seem like it, but talking to him about it is going to do one of two things - 1. You'll have the support and patience from him and you two can work on getting better together. or 2. You'll know that you two are not a compatible match.

Either way, as it stands - your words seem to say that you feel unlovable the way you are (because you're afraid of him rejecting you), do you think you stand the chance at getting better if you always feel like you're hiding your real self from him? You're missing out on a very powerful opportunity - to learn that you're lovable with your perceived imperfections, whether that's from him or from someone else.

((hugs))

If you're not familiar with this website, it's very helpful: https://www.bpdcentral.com/

Don't worry about whether you "have" a personality disorder or not, focus on the behaviors and thoughts and how to improve them.

Some resources that may help you:

NonViolent Communication - Helping you learn how to know your needs, communicate them and to hear others, as well as communicating compassionately with yourself.

Here's a video about it.

Mind over Mood is an awesome workbook to help change the way we think.

I used to be a nice guy, who thought I was screwed just by being a decent person. Last summer, I was a completely different person than I am now. I have changed tremendously.

Some of that was because I read a book from amazon called "Models: Attract Women Through Honesty". It's a great book, but it taught me that women aren't attracted to men who value someone else's opinions more than their own. Women are attracted to a man who knows what he wants.

I used to obsess over everyone's opinion of me. Everyone had to like me. Now, I do what makes me happy. That's all that matters to me. If I'm happy, then what else could I want. That said, I still get told frequently that I am always nice. Nice because I am polite to people who treat me with respect. You respect me, I respect you. That simple.

Nice guys maintain this delusion because they think if they show everyone how nice they can be, that will get everyone to like them. But no one will have respect for a man that doesn't respect himself just because a few people don't respect him.

I apologize in advance that I tend to go background then point instead of just straight to the point. Also this is going to be long with tangents because that's the only way I know how to speak. I don't write or think in a linear format.

Hmm. I'm typically the opposite but I no longer have friends (they all faded away). I spend half of my week with my SO and half at home where I live with my parents and pets. I work remotely. I'm almost 30. Also, bare in mind, I have anxious-preoccupied attachment, as I recently learned from the highly recommended book, Attached (Paperback Kindle ).

Warnings aside, I think I can still provide some insight into possibly what night be going on and in my personal experience as a person with an INFJ personality.

She might feel like she needs to invest a lot of time and energy into other people. Maybe that's where she gets her perceived or internal value from. We tend to try to resolve others' issues and keep peace or maintenance/harmony going. She may be externally focused on others to hide from things she doesn't like about herself or hasn't forgiven herself for. She may have a strong "I don't want to miss anything!" feeling/current need. If something means the most to me, I cope by avoiding it. (Eg replying to an important email) I feel like I need to give my subconscious time to process it before I can properly act.

I also have a need to look externally and see what others think and feel about something, anything, before I know my opinion. I feel the need to be "properly informed." Whether that means validation - I'm not crazy, its okay to feel this way or do that. Or, "okay, others think that way. Hmm, not exactly how I feel. That's interesting that I don't agree so now I know."

My thinking happens without me knowing it. I rarely know my thoughts. I am unable (as of yet) to speak my thoughts. I have to write or type them. And then, I don't know them until it's out there.

I am always amazed when someone notices that I'm feeling off. My SO picks up on it right away and is all "what's wrong!?" I don't know at that point or I don't want to get into it for whatever reason. I don't want to say something that comes out inaccurately and then it's a mess. I used to not know when I was stressed unless a friend told me.

I rehearse my thoughts until I can get the best wording. Misunderstandings are the bane of my existence. And if I could have prevented it? That's the worst.

We're prone to perfectionism, especially in ourselves. I have rarely lived up to my own standards but I've come a long way since I was a kid on this. If I disappoint someone or there's an inkling, I am in pieces internally.

We are very good at figuring out others (a good number of those in psychology and social work see INFJs) and are interested in figuring out ourselves but lack the ability to put things into words when it comes to our emotions.

Have you tried emailing her? I suggest that over chat so she has time to process and respond. I'ld be willing to read it over and recommend possible word adjustments if you'ld like. I've had plenty of practice taking what someone writes and turning it into what they might mean. No worries if not though.

I hope this helps! :) I know I branched out a lot. I apologize for that. I hope at least some of it was insightful.

As with any other relationship issue, the key here is honest, forthright communication. Talk to your partner, let her know how you feel, and see how she feels.

You said she has an exclusive sexual interest in you, and that may be the case, but I wouldn't count on it. That's one of those little white lies mono people tell each other but it's almost never true. Talk to her, and more importantly, work to create a safe space for both of you to express your feelings honestly without recrimination.

You are also faced with a pretty difficult choice, OP. You're 18. You have your whole life ahead of you and you don't have to commit to anything for the rest of it, not to your girlfriend, and not to any one relationship style. What I recommend is deciding what you want, and then asking for it. Do you want to be non-monogamous with or without her? Do you want to be non-monogamous but only if it doesn't mean you have to break up? Think about that ahead of having conversations with her so you know the answer when she asks.

There are three really good books you should read on the subject: The Ethical Slut, More Than Two, and Opening Up. TES is a great guide to the world of non-monogamy, and all the different ways you can do it, and how. More Than Two is a very practical handbook for poly relationships, and includes a wealth of information on how to maintain your own boundaries and respect your partners, and conduct your relationship ethically. Opening Up specifically focuses on the challenges of and skills necessary to open an existing relationship, and does not just focus on polyamory but also swinging and other forms of non-monogamy.

Best of luck to you and yours, OP!

Just as a point of reference, my 3 year old cries like that quite a bit. Usually over quite trivial matters. This morning, she cried for 15 minutes straight because her daddy plugged in her ipod to the charger instead of letting her do it.

So some of it is just developmental and/or personality at that point. Stay patient and just keep letting him know that you are there for him. At some point, you'll notice a bit of a break in the crying and that's when you ask if he wants you to hold him. If you have a rocker of big comfy chair, that would be nice to snuggle up in. Maybe offer him some water or juice and to read a book or something.

I know this sounds shitty to say but don't frantically offer him up all kinds of stuff to do or big treats just to make him feel better. He'll figure out that this is how he can get stuff. Just be there to comfort and let him get it all out. If you validate his feelings and mirror them back to him, it'll help him be able to talk about them in the future. It also decreases the crying. You literally just say exactly what he's saying back to him. "you want your daddy. yes, you want your daddy." It really helps them to feel like they've been heard rather than, "It's ok" because in his mind, it's really not ok and to be told that is rather confusing.

Some good books to read are this series:
Your Three-Year-Old: Friend or Enemy (this title always cracks me up)

and

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (this one has some really old school illustrations but it's great for talking to kids and adults of all ages)

Good luck, you are doing a wonderful thing taking him in. I'm sure transitions will get easier from here on out.

First of all, congratulations on six months sober! Congratulations on the four year stretch before your last relapse. You say some things that are unkind about yourself and addicts in general (the notion that they are “selfish” and...I don’t want to disagree with you to hard here, since that is the received wisdom...but let me try to reframe it a bit: you have made a commitment to getting and staying sober, and that is a set of skills that is going to see you through, whether you have reached your last relapse or not.) You are also incredibly brave to put this out there, and your parents are extremely loving and patient with you (and themselves!) They don’t make themselves out to be victims, nor do they treat you as a villain who has fucked up their plans...that is what support looks like, and you are extremely lucky to have them). This is a long video, but I watched all of it, and it seemed to pass in about two minutes. It’s chock full of good advice, and anyone here who has a problem, but is afraid to tell those who are close to them should seriously consider sitting down with their loved ones to watch it together. I wanted to make some bullet points for anyone who doesn’t have the time and inclination to view all of this, because there is so much good advice here for family members who know someone who is struggling with addiction, so:

• You know that something is off because things are missing/out of place (steak knives and soda cans that have been cut up with them here).
  
• Addicts live in denial and it’s going to rub off on you. You don’t want to ruin your standing in the community, and the problem is still viewed as shameful...but there are resources out there for people exactly like you. Find and participate in a support group, especially if you don’t want to.
  
• Don’t protect your addict from consequences (your father mentions not calling the police at one point when he knows that it is the right thing to do).
  
• Be careful about enabling bad behavior (your parents talk about buying you groceries, and you tell them straight up, “When you did that, I used my money for drugs.”) The corollary to this is that one thing you can as an addict is tell those who support you is the truth about what you will do when they offer help.
  
• Be patient and be prepared to let go without giving up. (Your mother talks about going to bed when it is extremely cold out, worrying that you will freeze to death, because you are on the streets.)
  
• This isn’t stated explicitly, but learn about codependency. The hallmark of codependent behavior is trying to control other people. Addicts are very good at using codependent behavior to enable their addiction. (Your mother talks about putting bars on her windows and setting alarms, after the vendor who is about to install them tells her straight up that you will adapt to them so that you can use within the restrictions they impose.) The best book I have found on codependency so far is this one. A few comments on it: it was written by an addict, and the one thing I got out of it more than anything is how addicts themselves exhibit a lot of traits that she lists as “codependent.” The biggest gem among her advice for overcoming codependency is to set goals. This works for addiction, and it works for those who live with addicts (but not if your goal is simply “quit using” or “I want my son or daughter to quit using.”...that is based on the codependent hallmark of control, after all).
  
  On a personal note, I felt a lot of emotion toward the end when you told your parents that you love them, they told you that they love you, and you hugged at the end. You have suffered enormously for your addiction. I believe that you are going to make it because you have this kind of support system.
   
  On a polemical note, I watched Dr. Phil do what is essentially an intervention a few days ago. He had an alcoholic grandmother with two disgusted daughters who decided to cut her out of their lives because she wouldn’t admit she has a problem (but would admit that “she likes drinking”). It makes for great ratings, but is the absolute wrong thing to do. This woman is probably going to drink herself to death, and if she doesn’t she is going to drink herself to continued misery...which she won’t feel, and that’s why she drinks! Your parents are the other side of the coin. They didn’t give up or shun you because of your problems. They saw your problem as their problem. They gave you love and support in ways that are appropriate (your dad had lunch with you, even when you were dirty and smelly, and he told you that he loved you no matter what). You have a strong foundation for loving yourself, and you are extremely lucky to have two parents who are that loving. I’m impressed with what you chose to do with that love.

Guy here. First off, I'm very sorry you are in the position that you are. It can be very challenging for a partner of someone who has such a large issue within themselves. And it's heartbreaking to hear how you speak of your wife while understanding she likely doesn't realize how deeply you feel for her.

I have to wonder if she doesn't have body dysmorphia. Given the things you've described here with how she is with regards to nudity with you and what would otherwise be a relatively non-issue with her dress, it would seem plausible that may be the case with your wife. Though I'm certainly no expert, so I could be very much speaking out of my ass so don't take that as much more than a guess.

Like has been mentioned therapy for her and for the both of you seems like the right approach. Also, like has been mentioned showering her with compliments could be interpreted both as a positive and a negative. So it may be wise to avoid that approach as a full bore method forward. It's also worth noting that while some of the things she says, like the comment as you left the room after the incident with her dress, likely isn't her so much as a defensive reaction. I know this will be much easier said than done, but try to not take those kinds of things personally. Instead it may be better to think and react based on why she would say that and respond from that position. To react almost as if you didn't hear the words she said, but the feeling she expressed such as shame and fear. But no matter what, communication is so critical particularly in difficult situations like this. Just remember to communicate how YOU feel and how what she did made YOU feel. When you own your feelings and you express them she won't react and respond from a position of defense. Given how she's been as you described, that sounds like a very dark place for things to go to.

I may be butchering writing out my thinking, but I'm hopeful that all makes sense. I read a book which I think could be helpful for you called Attached. It's about attachment types both for you and for your partner, as well as what behaviors can be exhibited and what causes them. The best way I can describe it is in conjunction with Love Languages. Love Languages give you the X and Y on who you are, what you like and dislike. Attached, at least for me, gave me the Z or depth to that. So not just who I am or what I like and dislike, but the why behind it. Why I reacted certain ways to certain situations. For me it was transformative. Suddenly the last 15 years of my love life made sense. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1585429139/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o04_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Regardless, I hope that your wife and in turn your marriage is able to find a healthier place of existing and that you can both become more connected and trusting of each other as the recent moments that have been a challenge for you both begin to be further and further behind you.

>I don’t regret having one, just extremely ashamed of being sexual and communicating it to girls and also showing it to the world. Attracting girls’ attention and whatnot isn’t very hard but progressing things to dating, holding hands and eventually sex is impossible. I can’t even call them or message them on Facebook or Whatsapp because I just feel like an idiot for doing so. Making a move in clubs and bars is also difficult although I once got close to leaving with a girl but she didn't want to. I got made fun of a lot growing up for not having a girlfriend and this made me feel like i do not deserve one. It doesn't matter if I've got the green light to go ahead I just feel really ashamed do it. Even something like looking at a fit girl wearing a short skirt makes me feel bad for checking her out and that I shouldn’t be doing it.


I know what you mean. I've been there myself, but even when I was there I was entirely self-aware of my shame and I was skeptical of the validity of my emotional reactions; I realized they were ingrained. Being aware of your emotional reactions allows you to be emotionally proactive. Your sex-negative problem is mostly an emotional issue, and not much else, right? I've been there. I wouldn't doubt that you are also decent looking and have both latent and actualized social skills. Most intelligent introverts have a lot of potential to be who they want to be because they know themselves more deeply than others. You must use your introverted nature to your advantage and recognize the differences in others and yourself. In all honesty, there are an infinite number of unwritten rules; everyone's abstract/emotional logic is different. Many of them are foundational and predictable, however; including yours and mine. Like anything else, being emotionally predictable is not a black/white issue. It is a grey area, and you have to balance your reliability with creativity.


Being made fun of for not having a girlfriend is just as sexist as being made fun of for not having a boyfriend; gender equal too. Were you ever shamed for not having a boyfriend? It's clearly a matter of groupthink and extroverted style; not for everyone. Dating relationships, for extroverts especially, are often attention-getting and showy. They wear their relationships like trophies won. Usually introverts prefer a more private relationship because they have less social desire and are often shamed because of it. Introverts are “themselves” more often in private. Extroverts are “themselves” more often in public. There is no shame deserved either way, regardless of popular opinion. Both styles have their strengths and weaknesses, and you should try to introject some of the traits that you enjoy in others; regardless of type. That is how you become balanced.


>I’m receiving counselling from a pastor who advocates the whole “no sex before marriage” thing and believes that people should only date to get married and sex is only for making kids which is stupid IMO because I do not plan on getting married anytime soon.


Counseling from a Catholic pastor? Watch out, that is one of the most notorious sex-negative societies out there. They own the abstinence-only charade while they parade horribles. Marriage is not the answer to anything; it is an institution of the state. Anything else attached is sentimental.


If you haven't already, I recommend doing an in-depth study of animal sexual behaviors; especially the most intelligent animals. All animals have sex for pleasure, but some animals are only driven to have sex at certain times of the year; humans are on a 24/7 system.


>I’ve tried the no fap route and gotten very high days counts but that hasn’t really helped me at all.


Sexual frustration doesn't help anyone. If you are mindful, then you can use your libido to further your goals, but it is not an all-cure.


>Got any sources to help overcome sex-negative perspectives? I’m interested in recreational sex not baby making sex.


Absolutely. I recommend starting with actual sex science and learning about male and female psychology and neurology. Then work your way into reading about sex culture. You should also study developmental psychology as you will probably need the clinical context in order to objectively self-evaluate your childhood influences; it is necessary for self-therapy. The best therapy will always be self-therapy; no one will ever know you better than yourself.


Evolutionary Science and Morals Philosophy:

The Selfish Gene

The Moral Landscape

The Better Angels of Our Nature: Why Violence Has Declined

Justice: What's The Right Thing To Do?


Sex Psychology, Science, and Neurology:

Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex

The Female Brain

The Male Brain

Why Men Want Sex and Women Need Love

What Do Women Want

Why Women Have Sex: Understanding Sexual Motivations from Adventure to Revenge (and Everything in Between)

Sex: The world's favorite pastime fully revealed


Behavioral Psychology and Abstract Economics:

How Pleasure Works

Freakonomics

Quiet: The Power of Introverts In A World That Can't Stop Talking

Thinking Fast And Slow

We Are All Weird


Developmental Psychology:

Nurture Shock

Hauntings: Dispelling The Ghosts That Run Our Lives


Empathy Building:


Half The Sky

The House On Mango Street

Me Before You

The Fault In Our Stars

Also check out James Hollis' Understanding The Psychology of Men lecture if you can find it.



Movies: XXY, Tom Boy, Dogtooth, Shame, Secretary, Nymphomaniac, Juno, Beautiful Creatures, and The Man From Earth.



All of these things are related, but it is up to you to make the connections; pick and choose which material suits your interests best. These are the things that came to mind first, and they have all influenced my perspectives.

Hey! I'm also working on recovery. Some books that I've really found helpful are Feeling Good, and Complex PTSD. Moodgym is also pretty awesome. The first book and the website show you how to use CBT in your own life, and this has really helped me out in terms of everyday anxiety and depression. The Mentalpod is a cool little podcast, and while it doesn't only cover childhood abuse, it helps me feel less alone with all of this stuff, and makes me more aware of my feelings and struggles. Hearing your story come out of another person's mouth is such a healing experience. Episodes 131 and 126 especially are useful.

I think the rest of the work though really has to do with trauma and grief. The second book is invaluable for that. I need to grieve my lack of a childhood. I need to grieve my lack of an available mother. I think this is what "the hole in my heart" is really related to. Sometimes I'll cry about it but do my best to be compassionate with myself. Though these realizations are fucking awful, they are also freeing. I didn't deserve any of it, and I'm not bad for standing up for myself. While my upbringing taught me otherwise, most people are generous, kind and forgiving, and more open to love than I believed possible. I'm able to see myself breaking more and more out of my old survival mindset, and I'm able to see that the world is a beautiful place. It's all a process and we'll both do better and better as time goes on.

Best of luck in your journey! :)

I don't have any local recommendations for you, but I do have a few world-class recommendations that will cost you much less in time and money.

For CBT, check out Dr. David Burn's book - Feeling Good: You can pick it up online for like $5. It is a light and interesting read, lots of stories. Here is a study about "Feeling Good": "This study provided empirical evidence that a behavioral prescription for Feeling Good may be as effective as standard care, which commonly involves an antidepressant prescription."

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20803165

For mindfulness, the fountainhead is Eastern/Bhuddist thought here is a good source for that:
The Power of Mindfulness by Nyanaponika Thera (fo free online)

http://www.buddhanet.net/pdf_file/powermindfulness.pdf

If you want both CBT and Mindfulness - then you should read or listen to Jeffery Schwartz. He has a few books, the most recent "You are not your brain" is approachable and an integration of Mindfulness and Cognitive Therapy.
Here is a 5 minute video, gives you a feel for the author: "4 steps to changing your brain for good"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kuABDAAns7w

If you like that - here is a half-hour more (summary of the book above):
'You are not your brain' at Mind & Its Potential 2011
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcrGlUHlu4M

Finally, if you are into workbooks - pick up "Mind over Mood"

http://www.amazon.com/Mind-Over-Mood-Change-Changing/dp/0898621283

Regardless of the book or therapist, you will have to do a lot mental work. So ultimately, most of the therapy, is self-therapy.
Best of luck to you. And remember: this too, shall pass.

The average height in your country is around 178cm +/- 5cm so 183 is tall and 173 is short but you are still young and could probably grow to be 176/177 depending if in the next 4 years you will get enough vitamin D3 + mk7, sleep and excercise.

Go out and get as much sun as you can get, it naturally produces vitamin d3 in your body and summer time is when you make reserves for winter.

Check your vitamin d3 blood level!!!, if you will be deficent ask your doctor to put you on d3 + mk7 supplementation. Your future health, height and weight might depend on it.

Lack if vitamin d3 might even lead to depression.

Not that fat means fat.

Single mom - this is your biggest problem, I need you to read these sources - Mandatory!:

1. https://illimitablemen.com/2014/05/08/the-suffering-of-the-lost-boys/
   
2. Find the book "No more Mr Nice Guy" it's a short and easy to read book, which you should read! It's for free on the internet, probably even in your native language: https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339
   
   First of all I recommend that you go into monk mode(read about it here), I read that people are completely shitting over you and even using physical force against you, you need to transfer to a different school to reset your frame, it's completely in pieces and people have less than 0 respect for your mere presence.
   
   Delete facebook and all social media, change schools - preferably one in a completely different direction than your current school to prevent old "friends" from transferring your bad fame. Don't tell anyone where you are going. This is also mandatory because if you will be going to college with your new friends your shitty image might never be overwritten. Not to mention that the shitty environment will keep you in your poor state of mind like a chain on your leg.
   
   Secondly you need to interenalize the material here, this means you need to lurk and try and make sense of the new things you will find here. You are still very young and might not understand most of it.
   
   You need to lift, get a gym membership, read about lifting(how to do this correctly) and lift, after you go to college you can thanks us later for this. It will take a year to two years but after your gains people will automatically give you more respect and your confidence will increase naturally, you will also feel much better. I cannot stress enough how lifting is important.
   
   Lastly, if you have some fat do this:
   
   Skip breakfast, don't eat anything untill dinner time, eat a big dinner, wait untill supper, don't eat anything, eat a big supper and don't go to sleep straight after eating, wat a few hours and then go to sleep. Sleep at least 8 hours and go to sleep early. It's called intermittent fasting and can boost your HGH(human growth hormone) up to 2000% of it's initial value.
   
   Eat only meat and some veggies, don't eat anything that has bread/potatoes/sugar(carbs) in it(meat in bread crumbs, bread, chips, fries etc.).
   
   Realize that your biggest problem is being raised as a nice guy by your single mom. Don't blame her and don't make an issue for her out of it I don't know why she is single but there may be some redeeming circumstances and she might want the best for you but she can't give it like she could with a father in your house, just focus on improving yourself.
   
   17, just before senior year is still very early to start working on yourself and reset your social standing, you have very much potential! Some people here start after two divorces at 40 and they smash.
   
   And after reading my advice, please do not become this:
   
   https://www.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/6o90gp/the_eunuchs_of_the_red_pill/

Pleasure to speak with you (both). I'm a 32M and bisexual myself. I have had to navigate this same obstacle course with my life-partner and believe me, you are going about it way better than I did. The trick to opening up a LTR is to be selfless at every turn, and in doing so, your personal wants usually get met. If you are both giving towards each other, and you both genuinely want the other to have every positive life experience you can possibly have, then your hearts are in the right place. Feeling a sense of joy that your love is getting to enjoy something wonderful, even if it doesn't involve you is known as compersion. It is kind of the opposite of jealousy. It is also an emotion you can learn to have. Example: If you guys do find the right woman to bring home, and the two ladies are going at it, husband can either tell himself "this is happening because I am inadequate" or, he can say "this is happening because I want my wife to be happy, and I am so adequate that I am able to give her this happiness". Feelings of jealousy that sneak into the situation can be labeled correctly as relics of your childhood conditioning. There is nothing that can't be unlearned, or relearned.

I highly recommend you get some reading done on the subject. My personal bible has been The Ethical Slut. This book will help you guys navigate the complicated waters of polyamory and open relationships. It will validate much of what you're already doing, and alert you to pitfalls that you probably haven't even considered.

As someone who has had more than one partner for about a year and a half now, I am amazed and overjoyed that life-partners can do this for one another. I don't want to oversell this lifestyle because it's not for everyone. But if it is for you, well then, congratu-fucking-lations. You're in for a treat. Many of them in fact ;-)

Honestly, a lot of these replies seem to be simplifying a very complex issue. Don't take that too personally, it's very easy to stand on the sideline and shout what seems obvious.


Open relationships aren't easy. It takes a ton of trust, mistakes, fixing those mistakes, baby steps, boundary pushing, etc. You've never done this before; he's been doing it for what sounds like a long time. Of course you're unsure and scared! Of course you have negative reactions along with some hesitant positive ones! That's totally fucking normal, miss. If you think this guy is worth it, and he's been completely honest and up front this whole time, I think it's worth a shot. He'll have to work with you and go slow and be patient, but if he thinks you're worth that effort, he will make it.


Read "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton, and check out "Opening Up as well. I've found both of those to be really helpful in giving reassurance, advice, and teaching new ways to think about your relationship and to communicate with your partner.


I've been in open relationships and exclusive ones, and I've been in closed relationships that opened up for the better and visa versa. There's really no sure outcome of this, but if you both think the other is worth expanding your worldview and trying new (scary, but also trust me it can be incredibly rewarding) ways of being in love and being together... it can turn out really well. Good luck whatever you end up deciding!

You have have tried talking, but you probably aren't that skilled at talking (why would you be?).

I have a couple book recommendations that could change the way you think about your talks:

NVC is basically the gold standard introduction to productive communication between people including couples. It seems like you're both not being very nice or accepting of each other (how do you think it feels for your husband to be judged as a child by his wife for having different cleanliness preferences than you have?). This book may help you see the world from each others' perspectives:
https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Marshall-Rosenberg/dp/1892005034

Another books that's helpful for beginning to heal and reconnect is 5 Love Languages. It'll help you both get in touch with what's important to you and makes you feel good, and give your partner the insight into you that they'll need to be a good partner to you.
https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

The last one I'll recommend to you in particular is Bonds that Make us Free. It seems like neither of you have really been able to understand the others' perspective, or maybe even your own perspective about what you're each valuing. This book may help.
https://www.amazon.com/Bonds-that-Make-Free-Relationships/dp/1629722154

Good luck.

Sure. Feel free to pm me any time you have a question. Remember that the folks at /r/polyamory have been known to give very good advice and anecdotes. If you live in a bigger city then there's a chance that you have a local poly community who meets up for the sake of camaraderie and advice. And do read Sex at Dawn. There's also another pretty good intro to nonmonogamy book called Opening Up

Of course, I was scared of what it would mean for my ltr relationship to open up. I was worried that it might mean I just secretly didn't love the guy, that he wasn't 'the one' (ugh, can't stand the concept of the one now that I've thought about it for a few years). I was scared that he'd meet someone new who was just so much better than me that he wouldn't need me any more (I struggled a lot with my self-esteem back then)

I had expected that I just wouldn't fall in love (a very naive assumption for an infj going into a deep, trust-based and sexual connection to a person they like) When I did start falling in love I was scared that my feelings would just transfer over to the new person as if we have finite amounts of love.

I was elated when I discovered that (much like how I still love and appreciate all of my exes even though I no longer feel 'in love' feelings for them) I was easily able to love many people, intensely. Rather than one love weakening another, it strengthened my certainty because I was going to each partner willingly, rather than because I had to love them or burn that bridge completely so that I could love someone new.

It also helped a lot because I used to make my partnership my whole identity, but now I get to play into the very different facets of my identity (and play with my injf masks) by dating different kinds of people and having totally different sorts of interactions. Some partners are very cerebral, some very physical, some very silly. I get to keep learning new people and helping them feel loved, valued and special.

Of course I still get twinges of jealousy, but I see now how it comes from being afraid that I am not good enough, valuable enough or worthy or love and commitment from others. Now that I've seen the root of the problem I am really able to grow as an adult woman. I feel far more accepting of myself now that I've gone through the wilderness of this little experiment.

the animation field is very very competitive. and little by little, jobs are being cut out from the field. if you go for animation, you better have passion. without it, you may as well have no chance...

i wanted to be an animator ever since i was a kid, i love cartoons. animation is a wonderful medium.

Do you know who Richard Williams is? I hope you do. In his book, The Animator's Survival Kit, He talks about his journey into the world of animation. please read that section which is located in the very first pages of the book.

i watched your video SidMonqay, and i will tell you to forget about animating right now. No, i don't mean lose the passion to animate. What i mean is forget about the technical part, which is animation. First, learn how to draw. No, i don't mean learn how to draw cartoons, i mean really REALLY learn how to draw. Study classical drawing and painting...trust me...if you focus on this you will be able to draw ANYTHING:cartoons, anime, illustration, comics, etc. because this is the HARDEST and most DIFFICULT art there is. (Jason Manley from ConceptArt.org https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vh37Mtex67w) you don't have to 'master' it, but learn from it. once you know you are ready, you are ready for animation.


I am 22, and studying classical drawing at a studio in Chicago under a very great and talented artist who i call my mentor. he has connections to some of the biggest studios of animation out there, and knows A LOT of well known artists. He teaches classical drawing and painting but also works as a storyboard artists and is grateful to make a living as an artist. He told me he has plans to grow the studio into a small 'academy' where he and other artists will teach classical/digital/animation. I am so happy i found this place. it beats all the art colleges i have gone to.
I now go to the studio and study mechanical design technology at a community college(as a back up, if animation doesn't work out..)

I will introduce you to Bargue drawings(intro to classical training)
http://ricardopontes.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/34_plate_I_7_the_foot_of_the_gladiator.jpg

This book my mentor suggested me to read, which i did "Lessons in Classical Drawing: Essential Techniques from Inside the Atelier"
http://www.amazon.com/Lessons-Classical-Drawing-Essential-Techniques/dp/082300659X/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1409106710&sr=8-2&keywords=classical+atelier

This artist who has great drawing/painting demos DVDs which i learned a lot from (Robert Liberace)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nyC4sxFrr9w

An animation news website
http://www.cartoonbrew.com/

Calarts which is the best school(they say) for character animation
http://calarts.edu/

(but listen, you DO NOT need a degree for animation. you DO need a kick ass portfolio. and i mean it. kick ass...you get the job and recognition from your portfolio and skills, not the piece of paper.
I myself am not getting a degree in art or animation.)

here is my tumblr. i post my art there.
http://cigaretteclub.tumblr.com/

if anything SidMonqay, try art at a community college. it's cheaper than larger institutions. be careful of for-profit institutions and people that just want your money. that is where i messed up, and i lost all hope, until i found this studio. I highly recommend you go and find a studio or atelier and study drawing and painting there. there are also art workshops every year for illustration/animation/drawing/painting you can find each year around the U.S! like this one http://www.artconnectionacademy.com/SaturdayLectures.aspx

but, choose your own path! any questions, feel free to ask

[edit] of course! Richard Williams book on animation! http://www.amazon.com/The-Animators-Survival-Kit-Principles/dp/086547897X

Here's some advice from someone who is almost twice your age:

Don't worry about it. Sex is great, and fun and all those things, but focusing on trying to get laid is just going to come across as desperate. You're not running out of time, and It's not "harder" after college. Relax.

Focus on you. Focus on your hobbies and interests. Read a book,
or two.

Become the best version of yourself and the rest will work itself out. I promise.

Edit: I just read your post history because I wanted to ty and dig into the heart of the problem you are having. Your posts reveal a lot about your personality, and I think that some of the communities that you are hanging out in are giving you bad advice for how to solve your problem. I also think that your problem has more to do with you than it does with other people. I know that may upset you, but it's important that someone be honest with you instead of trying to give you strategies that don't address the root problem.

I mean this with the utmost respect, what exactly is it that you bring to the table here? Seriously, and "I'm loyal" or "I respect women" does not count. Look at it this way, if you met a girl with the same physical traits and emotional baggage that you have, along with the low GPA (demonstrates someone that probably isn't applying themselves), what would you think? Would you want to sleep with that person? Would you want to be friends with that person, or would you see that person as bad news?

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "this stuff isn't my fault." That may be true, but if you want to fix this problem, then even if this stuff isn't your fault, you need to make it your responsibility. I'm certain that if you're dealing with mental health issues, that there are resources at your school that can help you with them. I'm also certain that if your GPA is suffering, then your focus at school sucks, and you need to work with your academic advisors to come up with a plan to fix it. Finally, I'm certain that you can fix all of this stuff if you try.

So, what should you do to get laid before your last semester of college?

Take responsibility for your issues. Fix your shit. Be a man. Ask for help from people who can help you rather than strangers on the internet. Once you fix you, I'm confident that you won't have so much trouble with the ladies.

There is no aphrodisiac in the world like a person who is confident in themselves and successful at navigating the challenges of their life without expecting others to fix them.

I used to be your husband. I was addicted to those machines and ended up with essentially hundreds of this stuffed animals. Its essentially gambling and I had a problem. In my mind, it was cloaked as gifting out of love, but was really an issue with how I viewed my relationship with my daughter. Growing up, my family showed me love by buying me things. This is going to sound strange, but I would reccomend having both you and your husband read The 5 Love Languages. It helped me understand that there are ways to show affection without gifting items. It was my preferred method of saying "I love you," but it was causing us to drown in clutter. It also helped me realize that I was using my family as an excuse to shop.

It is a very difficult balance, but there will need to be some sort of work recognizing that things do not equate to love and love does not mean things. Be prepared for the long haul, but also recognize that your husband is liking doing this out of love. It feels great to win something "special" for your own child. I still break down sometimes - just this month, I took my daughter to the fair and she convinced me to "win" some stuffed animals. She carries them everywhere and sleeps with them. I know this will pass, but its a very warming things to see. Sorry for the wall of text.

Here's the deal.

I've seen your posts around the Wichita and depression subreddits. I remember because whenever I see you post you sound pretty similar to me. I've been depressed for several years, gotten down to just a couple friends, socially anxious, etc. Recently I've been taking really good care of these problems, though. I've started seeing a therapist, reading a few EXCELLENT books (take a look at this one and this one. They're life changers) and putting all this help to work in my life.

I didn't think I would, but I have noticed subtle changes happening in my life. It's taken a few months, but it feels like I'm finally on my way to being more or less "normal", or at least not having to worry about my depression or freaking out when I am in a social situation. In my classes and at work (I'm a sophomore at WSU) I have been starting to talk to more people and have been able to hold pleasant conversations for at least a few minutes. I've even gotten a couple people's numbers, which for me is a fucking milestone.

Ditch the negative attitude. How you live is fleshed out by how you're thinking about life in general. Seriously, give those two books a chance and read them cover to cover. They will help you out, I promise. Consider even seeing a therapist. PM me if you'd like the number of my guy, he's very nice and easy to talk to, has a great way of putting things into perspective and is introverted like me, which I'm guessing you are as well. It's not going to be easy, and is going to take some serious self-reflection, but the earlier you start the sooner you will be able to be happy with your life. Good luck.

EDIT: Now that I think about it, seeing a therapist should be first on your list of priorities. If you have the money, do it. Having someone there to help you (and a professional at what they do, at that) will help you much more than reading a book on your own could.

Yes! /u/throwawaypolymom, if you do want to understand more about how this really works, books really are a great resource. You don't have to be interested in implementing it yourself to understand the philosophy behind it, and they're better organized and argued than just our personal reddit anecdotes. They may be challenging (reading them made me so uncomfortable at first, because I was being challenged on deep-seated assumptions I'd been raised with), but there are some really wonderful resources out there. The Ethical Slut is a great first one. Sex at Dawn is nice for a more sociological perspective. More Than Two and Opening Up are also excellent. And Ask Me About Polyamory! is wonderfully light and great for little bite-size snapshots of what poly life is truly like.

This is a repost of my comment on this reddit thread

Check out harry potter and the methods of rationality.

• A Brilliant fan-fiction about Harry potter, much darker and smarter. Both informative and entertaining.
  
  Read/Learn Non Violent Communication
  
  
• Language shape our thinking, this method is absolutely brilliant and will immediately improve understanding for oneself and other people. The book & [Youtube videos] (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dpk5Z7GIFs&list=PL16F02595B1BB9FA8)
  
  Start to [Meditate] (http://humanistsofmn.org/127-better-critical-thinking-through-meditation)
  
  
• Emotions and unconscious thoughts and belifs are many times very irrational. Meditation is greater for becoming more aware of them, which is the first step before critically evaluating them. Also many studies show a myriad of benefits such as: Increased happiness, better health, lower stress, increased IQ & EQ. And much more
  
  Philosophy - "love of wisdom"
  
  
• [Philosophy for Life and Other Dangerous Situations: Ancient Philosophy for Modern Problems] (http://www.amazon.com/Philosophy-Life-Other-Dangerous-Situations/dp/1608682293) , Is a great introduction to Philosophy. Very practical, will increase understanding of oneself and help in living a happy life.
  
  
• Or if you prefer video [Philosophy: Guide to Happiness] (http://topdocumentaryfilms.com/philosophy-guide-to-happiness/) , Is a great introduction to Philosophy. If you want it bite sized [School for life] (https://www.youtube.com/user/schooloflifechannel):s youtube channel is also very good.
  
  Read about rationality/critical thinking
  
  
• [Less wrong] (http://wiki.lesswrong.com/wiki/Sequences), [Audio] (https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1267969302/lesswrong-the-sequences-audiobook). Less Wrong is a community blog devoted to refining the art of human rationality. Video
  
  Learn about the common [cognitive biases] (http://www.businessinsider.com/cognitive-biases-2014-6?op=1) and [logical fallacies] (https://yourlogicalfallacyis.com/)
  
  
• [Thinking fast and slow] (http://www.amazon.com/Thinking-Fast-Slow-Daniel-Kahneman/dp/0374533555) Is a brilliant book by Nobel prize winner Daniel Kahneman which shows oh so many ways we are less smart than we think. podcast
  
  
  Create some rationality habits
  
  
• [Memorize the Rationality checklist] (http://rationality.org/checklist/). anki deck (anki is an app for memorizing facts)
  
  
• Center for applied rationality have workshops (mostly in the USA).
  
  Learn about the ways Marketing/propaganda is used to influence you
  
  
• [The century of the self] (http://topdocumentaryfilms.com/the-century-of-the-self/). This series is about how those in power have used Freud's theories to try and control the dangerous crowd in an age of mass democracy.
  
  
  The Trivium
  
  
• General Grammar, Aristotelian Logic, and Classical Rhetoric comprise the first three rules-based subjects of the 7 Liberal Arts and Sciences. As these disciplines are learned and practiced together, they form the overarching, symbiotic system for establishing clarity and consistency of personal thought called the Trivium.