Thanks for sharing your situation, I hope we're able to offer some empathy and ideas that'll help at least a little in your situation.

I can imagine how incredibly distressing it must be to pour so much of your being into something so important to you, then not be seen for the s contribution you made. Sounds like you really just would like some appreciation and celebration of your efforts?

If you're open to some ideas, so here's a few that come to mind:

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1. Empathy first

Firstly, obviously I encourage you to get the empathy you need. If you can get empathy from friends or loved ones, that will help you to release a lot of the stored emotions which will mean that if you do approach your coworkers, you'll be able to be that much more clear, present, and ready. So, if you've got a friend or two to ask if you can vent about it to, I'd go for that first. Sharing here is often helpful in that regard as well, so you're probably already well on your way with this one.

-

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2. Finding Clarity

I feel one of the most important questions we can ask ourselves in any difficult situation is:

> What do I really want?

This may sound lame, but it has been absolutely essential in my experience. When we ask ourselves what we really want, we get out of our head, drop the blame, and focus on where we actually want to put our energy that'll benefit everyone.

Example: A few months back, I posted here when I was seriously upset by a weird thing that happened with my housemates. Basically, they decided at a meeting I couldn't make it to that I could no longer play music in the shower, but they didn't put it in the meeting notes and brought it up to me in a weird indirect way. I felt really hurt that they didn't bring it to me directly, and shocked that it wasn't put it in the meeting notes since it was a decision that was discussed.

When I asked myself, "What do I really want?" I realized that I wanted basically two things:

a. Honest Self-Expression: To honestly express and hopefully be heard for at least some of my pain around this and…

b. Agreement for Change: To create a culture where it doesn't happen again moving forward. Specifically, by seeing if we can all agree to put ALL decisions in the meeting notes, and directly reach out to someone should a decision impact them significantly.

So, I wrote out basically what I hoped to say. In the moment, I was still fairly charged bringing it forward to the group, which generated some intensity, but everyone agreed that it was weird how that happened and agreed to my two requests (1. ensuring all decisions get in the notes and 2. proactively reaching out to anyone directly impacted by a meeting decision.)

It was such a struggle for me to bring this forward when I felt like the whole group had let me down and thrown me under the bus behind my back. Or at least that's the story I was telling myself… But when I got clear and specific on what I wanted, I could find a way to bring it forward in a way that was honest, could be used benefit everyone, rather than cause unnecessary drama.

Not sure if this is helpful. But what I sense is that you might be in a similar place as I was before I brought forward my concern to the group, and I know for me it really helped to be clear about the exact outcomes I wanted.

-

---

3. Creating Safety: Mutual Respect + Shared Purpose

When we go into crucial conversations, the last thing we want is for it to go into silence (shut downs, refusing to talk) or violence (attack, blame, etc.). So it helps to understand why that occurs, and do our very best to prevent it.

The biggest reason conversations break down into silence or violence, is when people fear one of two things:

1. The other person doesn't care about me. (Disrespect)
   
2. The other person doesn't care about what I want. (Divergent Goals)
   
   So to prevent silence or violence, we do the opposite: We create safety. And that's done by:
   
   
3. Mutual Respect: Establishing our respect for the other(s) involved
   
4. Shared Purpose: Create a shared goal for the conversation, some outcome that's desirable for everyone.
   
   So, let's say you go into this conversation with your supervisor, who took credit for the project. If you don't create a sense of safety for your supervisor, the worst case would be 1) he thinks you're basically saying he's an egotistical jerk or 2) he thinks what you want is to diminish the credit he received and downplay his contribution.
   
   Neither of those implications would be starting the conversation off on a very good foot…
   
   So, if you're with me on this, I would suggest you do the opposite. Create a sense of safety in the conversation by establishing:
   
   
5. Mutual Respect: Perhaps you can express your respect for his role in the project and the ways you appreciate the job he's done on this
   
6. Shared Purpose: Ask how could what you want benefit him? So if you want to create a culture where everyone is recognized for their contribution, that could yield MAJOR wins for him as well — employee retention, team strength, not to mention creative confidence.
   
   -
   
   (PS This point on safety is straight out of the book Crucial Conversations, not from me, highly recommended!)
   
   -
   
   ---
   
   

   Summary
   

   
   Anyway, so just to summarize, basically I'm suggesting get empathy first, get clarity of what you want, then plan your conversation by establishing mutual respect & shared purpose.
   
   So how might that sound in conversation? Let's say his name is Tim. Here's just an off-the-top-of-my-head example of how those ideas could come together. Probably nothing like what you actually want to say to him, just an example of how those ideas could be brought together:
   
   >Hey Tim, there's something I've been meaning to talk to you about. It's a bit difficult to bring up, but I think talking about it could really help the strength of our team. You know that project we just finished? Well I'm incredibly proud of the work we did, and I want you to know how much I appreciate what you did to _____ in moving that project forward. One thing I wanted to let you know is that when I saw that my name wasn't mentioned anywhere, I felt pretty bummed because I felt I played an important role on that project - in fact, I was the one who brought forward the idea to others - and I guess I just wanted some kind of recognition of all the work I put into it. I know it's tough to credit everyone, but I feel that when our team members get acknowledgement for their work, it can really energize them to keep up the good work. But when we're not, I don't know about for others but for me, it makes me feel like no one is seeing all the work I'm doing. And that feels exhausting. And I'm sure we all want to work for a team that's enthusiastic about making contributions to the team, not feeling burnt out. Again, I get that it's not easy to name everyone, but I really feel some sort of way of recognition could really help to build a culture on our team where each member feels valued and energized to contribute on new projects, if we can find a way to at least get everyone's name listed somewhere. What would you think if…?
   
   --
   
   ---
   
   -
   
   Whew. Sorry for the wall of text. Hope something in there is useful to you, but feel free to ignore if not!
   
   …Also, a disclaimer that this isn't perfect NVC per say, moreso ideas I'm piecing together from various approaches, mostly NVC and Crucial Conversations.
   
   Does anything here resonate for you?
   

A great place to start is to take these quizzes:

https://mojoupgrade.com/

https://bdsmtest.org/select-mode

BDSM is really an umbrella for many overlaping things, and these little quizzes can really be helpful to understand what kind of stuff you might be into, and what kinds of roles you're most drawn to.

After you take the Mojoupgrade quiz, you should have a list of exciting new ideas and things that might be fun to explore. If your partner also took the quiz (they totally should!), you might have one big list or two separate lists. Either's great. Use this to create a "menu" of stuff you like, putting some of the most exciting and 'want to try' stuff near the top. (Doesn't have to be perfect)

Next, plan out a scene. Look at the menus and pick, say, three things to try. Maybe choose a favorite of yours, one of theirs, and something you'll both like. But don't stress, you've got all the time in the world later on.

Have a fun, casual conversation where you talk just a little about what you're going to do together. "We're going to do x, then y, then maybe some z." Or whatever. Make it fun and playful, not super serious. This is called negotiation, and we typically do it "outside" or dynamics, meaning no-one is the dom or the sub during the convo, those roles come in the scene itself.

Decide on a safeword. An easy option is the 'stoplight system':

Red for "let's stop right now" and

Yellow for "I'm at my limit, we don't have to stop but let's take it down a notch."

Green means "all good, let's keep going."

(It's a two-word call and response: "Light?" "Green!" Super easy.)

Start the scene and try the things you discussed. Allow yourself to be a little silly and make mistakes if they happen. Strive for "most fun wins" rather than "I have to do this some specific 'right' way." It's okay to laugh; it's okay to take breaks, slow down, stop, or move to a less-intense thing than you planned.

Afterward, cuddle and spend low-key time together reconnecting. This is called aftercare, and it's critically important.

Later, talk about what worked well and what didn't work well, for next time.

Websites

https://www.xruniversity.com/ (free and great!)

https://www.kinkacademy.com/ (some free stuff, some paid content, all great!)

Books

I like The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book to get you started.

SM 101 is also a good place to start.

Reddit posts

Here are my favorite reddit posts for women who want to be dominant.

This is a great thread of simple ways to be dominant for beginners.

This is a great and practical guide to helping get a sub into subspace

ROPE BONDAGE ADVICE

TL;DR

Here are some great videos to get you started.

Here is a free online class when you have time and want to dive deeper.

Bondage - Online Courses

Crash Restraint an extensive, free, online rope bondage course. It can be a little tricky to navigate, and you need to make a free account, but once you understand how the site is laid out, it's really an incredible resource. If you wanted just one resource to take you from beginner to expert, this would be a great choice.

The Duchy, a chill rope bondage resource with free content, and paid content that costs $3-$5

Bondage - How-to Videos

Twisted Monk's How-To Videos Talks you through the ties out loud, which I find really helpful. (Also on youtube here.)

Two Knotty Boys How-To Videos Great basics, but a lot of the videos don't have verbal instruction, which I personally don't prefer.

Zed Ropework has a handful of good, clear videos on youtube

Watts The Safeword is a little goofy -- but that can be good! And their videos are simple and straightforward.

MorganThorneBDSM has some good beginner bondage videos (and a ton of other non-bondage BDSM content)

Epic Rope is low-key and enjoyable.

Bondage - Books

(Note, I linked to amazon but a lot of the books can be found MUCH cheaper elsewhere)

Douglas Kent's Complete Shibari: Land: 1 is my favorite, I think the instructions and photos are the clearest and most detailed, and there are a ton of useful ties.

Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage a beautiful book you could put on a coffee table, with tons of useful stuff, and steeped in history and culture, which I love. The line illustrations are, in my opinion, not as clear as a ton of photos would be.

Two Knotty Boys Showing You The Ropes, a chill, fun, approachable book. The choice of ties is a little all-over-the-place, and it doesn't feel like an extensive course so much as a small buffet of options.

>I don't want to make this a huge story. I am someone that once had the word "atheist" tattooed to me (later got it covered up). But for some reason, God had mercy for me. I don't know why. He, I believe, and I cannot say with certainty that it was most definitely God, but something very majestic appeared to me, like nothing you've never seen before. And slowly, I was led to Jesus and taking faith in Jesus as my savior.

​

Amen!

​

>You guys probably don't believe me.

​

Why wouldn't I believe you? Many of us here have seen God do amazing things in our lives.

​

>So now I am reading the bible, and I find out that sex outside of marriage is truly a sin in the eyes of god. I've asked god to bring me a good wife. But there's a part of me that wonders if it's even possible to find the kind of woman I truly want.

​

It IS possible. Our FOR SINGLES section of the Sidebar has many articles that can help you vet well for a quality Christian woman.

​

>My mother is basically as good a woman as you can get. She is a devout christian. Lost her virginity to my dad. Very loyal, empathetic, and submissive.

​

You should read No More Mr. Nice Guy. It will answer a lot of things for you.

​

>When I hear stuff like that, it just makes not want to ever bother with women again.

​

Well, the New Testament makes it clear that the Single life is preferable for those who can live it. Doesn't sound like that's what you really want though.

​

>Because I can't stand the thought of some women taking my wealth into account. I am wealthy, and the thought of a woman taking that into account when dealing with me just brings enormous anger within me.

>The point is I want to be loved for my essence, not my money. The point is we make a choice to love each other and we have faith god will help take care for us as we need. Don't have faith in money, have faith in God.

​

Then show yourself to be a guy who has his act together and is stable financially, but keep the extent of your wealth private until your wedding night.

​

>I'm just venting, I guess. There's no where else to really talk about religious stuff. If I talk about religion with my friends, they think it's funny I am now a Christian. They rather listen to Elon Musk about us living in a computer simulation. That's their god.

​

That's why we're here. This is a perfectly appropriate place to discuss these things.

​​

>I'm just wondering if anyone has found a woman that doesn't care about money? I've hung out with a lot of girls, and somewhere along the line, they slip up and you see how much they care about money, even when they initially claim they don't care about money at all. I just can't take it.

​

My wife is very frugal. I'm the spender, she's the saver. If it wasn't for her we'd never have any money, but if it wasn't for me we'd never have any fun. It's a balance, but I see what you mean. You don't want a girl to marry you just so she can take advantage of your wealth.

​

The best way to ensure this is to make sure she has a good, solid, genuine faith.

Sure. First, let's start out with how I personally define productivity, so that you know where I'm coming from:

1. Get your work (your commitments - job, school, etc.) done first
   
2. Work on your personal projects
   
3. Enjoy guilt-free free time
   
   So that's the basic 3 steps to living a balanced live, productivity-wise: stay on top of what you're on the hook for, make progress on your personal plans, and then goof off stress-free because you're on the ball. Second, we'll divide the books into three sections:
   
   
4. Mental stuff
   
5. Practical-action stuff
   
6. Health stuff
   
   Starting out with practical applied psychology (i.e. the "mental" stuff), in order:
   
   

• Mindset: (Carol Dweck) Introduces the concept that we have one of two mindsets about any given situation: fixed (can't be changed) or growth (can be changed). i.e. "I can't cook" or "I'm great at guitar". You are the gatekeeper to action in your own life. To quote Wayne Gretzsky, "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take". Followed up by a Henry Ford quote: "Whether you think you can, or think you can't - you're right." Having a growth mindset means many things, including that setbacks are okay but that you can keep going, that you can change things, that you can improve, that you can get good at things, etc. If you tell yourself no, then you'll never take the first step, and thus you'll never get anything done in whatever specific situation you find yourself in.
  
• Attitude is Everything: (Jeff Keller) A book written in conversational-style English about how much attitude affects literally everything you do in life. A quick read & really enlightens the concepts from the Mindset book, in practice.
  
• Feeling Good: (David Burns) Introduces the concept that thoughts create emotions. Thus, you feel how you think about things. This is hugely important in the world of productivity because we are driven by motivation; the way you feel about things dictates what goals you set & what actions you take. You ever not do something because "I didn't feel like it"? Well, there you go!
  
• Ten Days to Self-Esteem: (David Burns) Companion book to "Feeling Good". It's a 1.5-week workbook that walks you through identifying & auditing what your inner voice is saying. Your inner voice is how you think & we tend to believe everything we think, regardless of whether it's true or not. We have a lot of negative & fixed-mindset things that we say to ourselves throughout the day, which inhibit us from taking action or feeling good about things.
  
  So the takeaways here are: have a growth mindset, have a positive attitude, realize that thoughts create emotions, and audit your inner voice (aka your "thinking" voice) to support your productivity actions. This is really important stuff & I feel like the psychology of productivity is often overlooked, when in fact we're all emotional beings & are driven by various things such as motivation, willpower, determination, commitment, pride, and so on. Getting your mental game in check will enable you to do virtually anything you want to go after.
  
  Next up is the practical implementation (i.e. what do you actually have to DO?) of productivity:
  
  
• Getting Things Done: (David Allen) Also referred to as "GTD". Out of all of the books on this list, I consider this a must-read. This book basically teaches you how to convert wishes ("I want to do this" or "I need to do this" or "I should do this") into reality. Not in a BS way, but by using a concrete workflow, in the form of an off-brain database (as opposed to keeping it all in your head). The core concept is to capture 100% of all of your commitments, process them into concrete, executable "next-actions", and then put reminders of those individual next-actions on a list or on your calendar. This way, you never lose anything, you never forget anything, and you know exactly what to DO next. I can't express how useful this book has been in my life. It's an amazing system. Not easy to adopt, but super easy to maintain once you get going!
  
• Unleash the Warrior Within: (Richard Mack Machowicz) The core takeaway from this book is that if you want to get things done, you need to setup targets, knock them down, and repeat that process. Like if you went out to an archery range: you would setup some bullseye targets, then use your bow & arrow to knock them down, and then go out & setup the targets again. That's how progress is made in life, and more especially, if you want to do anything more than just show up for work & live a reactive life, you have to learn how to setup your own targets, then knock them down, then setup more targets, so that you're making progress over time. Really simple but really brilliant concept!
  
• Grit: (Angela Duckworth) Presents a very simple, yet very powerful concept: the way to be successful is to simply stick with stuff until you've achieved your goal, or if it's something like a lifetime of learning say the piano, simply sticking with it. Failure happens when you quit. Success doesn't mean a smooth road, because you will have lots of setbacks along the way, but sticking with it, even when it's hard or boring or your screw up, is how you achieve success. Before you dive into the book, first, watch this TED Talk by the author. Second, read this inspirational quote by Michael Jordon.
  
• The Talent Code: (Daniel Coyle) The structure behind how talent works & how to develop it. Really amazing for learning how to develop talents you're interested in.
  
• Atomic Habits: (James Clear) The structure behind how habits work & how to develop them, and how to make them work for you.
  
  part 1/3

Please do not interpret what i'm about to say as me being an asshole (although I often have been accused as such). I'm trying to help, rather than bullshit you with the equivalent of a participation trophy or a motherly pat on the back.

I'm stating this with love (although it is tough love): If I've ever seen someone that needs r/TheRedPill, its you my friend. I'm not saying that you should become an asshole or be disrespectful to women, but rather that you should focus on building yourself up in the same style. There is absolutely the capacity to be an alpha male within you. And that's what women will find attractive consistently. I'm not saying you should become a macho chump poser that demeans and disrespects women (that's not what a real alpha male does anyway), but rather that you should identify and adopt the characteristics of an alpha male that women find attractive and craft your own new persona. Root out the JW mindset and adopt a new one. Got me?

Its time to work on yourself rather than working on trying to get laid. Its time to grow a pair of balls. Now, rather than simply saying "grow a pair of balls", let me try to help and give some recommendations of how you might go about doing that.

Get a gym membership (maybe check and see if your university has one that you can use free), and try the Starting Strength program. See here: https://www.amazon.com/Starting-Strength-Basic-Barbell-Training/dp/0982522738/

Starting strength will make a man out of you. One tip: Don't use the smith machine. Use a real squat rack. Yes, its required. Yes, with barbells.

Read this book too, its a real eye opener for reading people (including women): https://www.amazon.com/Definitive-Book-Body-Language-Expressions/dp/0553804723/

Read up on affirmations, how to make them and use them, and start using them DAILY, maybe even more often than once a day. You probably don't need a book to research this, a simple google search will do. Harness the power of positive self-talk.

The words you say to yourself in your head or mutter to yourself quietly when nobody else is listening have a huge effect on how you view yourself. And by extension, others (especially women) can sense how much value you perceive that you have, and often will treat you in accord with that value you project.

>My date was kind of rude as she actually took a phone call from her male friend within the first 10-20 minutes of the date, I think she was even flipping through Tinder as we were talking.

This should have been an early warning signal letting you know that she wasn't worth your time. She didn't value your time and presence (and that is likely because you didn't establish your own value to her).

>Of course my problems only make me feel worse as one of my roommates is like extremely fit black young Hugh Hefner. This guy fucks all the time, like weekly.

That is fucking hilarious lol, but I really sympathize with you. I'm sure its torture that he's getting laid every night and you have to listen to the fucking. Is this guy friendly towards you? Is he willing to help with your issues? You never know, he may take some pity on you and help you to work on yourself a bit. Even if he isn't, pay attention closely to his attitudes and interactions with women and with others wherever you can. Don't try to be an exact copy of him, but watch for attitudes, words, and actions that he manifests that feel right for you, and that you could adopt into your own new persona.

>I feel especially shitty as "technically" I'm not a virgin because I fucked who I thought was going to be a women through MeetMe, but it turned out to be a transgender dude, my fault I guess as further inspection of the photos made it more obvious. I was going to leave but I was persuaded by an offer of a blowjob. I figured this was the first time I was offered anything sexual and I was under a lot of family related stress at the time so I said fuck it and got a BJ, and had to reciprocate him in the backside.

This is some 4chan shit right here, so allow me to present the appropriate meme: http://www.lememe.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/55556666.png

Don't beat yourself up too bad. Its behind you, and you never have to do this again if this type of hook up is not your style.

>So apparently finding a dude that wants to fuck is incredibly easy, finding a women in my case is like hunting for the holy fucking grail.

Yes, that's the honest to god truth when you don't project enough value to others. The only people you attract are people who are as desperate as you are.

>Don't get me wrong that all I want is sex, yes sex would be awesome, but I'm not afraid to be in a relationship, but at the same time I'm not going to turn down a hookup.

This screams desperation. You need to drop this mindset immediately. (Again, affirmations will help with this)

>My philosophy is just honoring whatever dating arrangement I agree to with a person, I have no religious reasons.

Again, desperation, compliance, submission. These traits will not attract women - at least not desirable ones.

>I tried talking to some women at parties, asked one to dance and she said no, even though she was standing against the wall not doing anything...

Again, you projected a lack of value, she judged you on the surface because of the lack of value you projected, and shut you down.

>...asked another how she was doing and she said good and that was it, and I had a little more luck at my last party as I got to help a girl with her Microsoft Access homework, we high-fived and were both wasted. I asked her if she was single and she said yes, but that she was just visiting and was going back home in a couple of days, so I just shook her hand and said it was nice we met.

That didn't mean she wasn't DTF my friend. She may have just been waiting for you to move on her. Lots of times, women are waiting for a man to confidently take charge when it comes to initiating sex. I'm sure nobody ever told you that (hell, nobody told ME that!!), but it is often true :)

>I'm giving this college thing one more semester before I call it quits. I'm not going to get another degree if it requires me to be miserable and single for another 3 years. I mean I'm charting into 30 year old wizard territory at this point and it scares the shit out of me. My friends have been trying to get me to move to Florida and I just may take them up on the offer.

Changing your location without changing your mindset is not likely to make a significant change to your circumstances. Although, it could offer you the opportunity to a fresh start, which could be helpful :)

>Any advice would be appreciated, I just feel the cult has taken a huge chunk of my life away when I was supposed to learn valuable social skills. I feel like a fucking child or an alien learning how to be human, even though I have been out of the cult for quite some time now, but have really only been away from toxic family for four months.

Yes, that's probably what happened. And its up to you to change it. Nobody else is going to do it for you. So stop wallowing in your own misery and change it. (Respectfully, with tough love, man to man.)

>My plan for next semester is joining some clubs, going to bars, and going more parties, and trying to strike up more conversations with women in class getting a gym membership, working on your self esteem and your ability to project your value to the opposite sex, and learning how to interact with women in a way that makes you attractive.

>If nothing happens in the second semester I'm just going to say fuck it and move, I'm at a point in my life were I'm tired of going out to eat by myself, shopping by myself, watching movies by myself, and doing everything else by my fucking self. All I did this Thanksgiving was sleep and get drunk. I've read all those articles about "loving yourself first", this isn't a problem about loving myself, I didn't do anything wrong. I'm just so fucking sick of being alone, I don't have a family, I have no one close to me.

I feel your pain man. Now is not the time to give up, but it is time to change your approach.

Thank you so much for your note, and insights.

I believe that I'm doing all of the right things, as well. However, to avoid physical and psychological burnout, which is both painful and unhealthy, and to mitigate my perfectionism, I need to reduce the volume and complexity of my program of introspection, healing, and physical/psychological strengthening.

If I don't, the good things that I'm doing will periodically become bad things, every week, or two weeks, or at best, once a month.

My most recent burnout was intense, and lasted eight days.

In any case, your description of my internalized shame, and how it has manifested is accurate. And it was difficult cutting a number of people out of my life abruptly, and seemingly permanently, but it was necessary.

In the near future, I hope to forgive and make amends with a number of people, though I do not necessarily want to rekindle any past friendships or relationships. I simply want to forgive others, once I go through the process of forgiving myself, which is an ongoing process.

You are also accurate of your description to my inner state and inner monologue, when people ask me, "what's new"? As far as the few friends that I'm close with, who are also artists an entrepreneurs, I can answer honestly, when I speak to them. However, I simply cannot connect on the same level, with some of my friends who aren't artists or entrepreneurs. They don't have the same level of passion and creativity within their lives, they don't know about the ups and downs of working on creative projects within a professional context, they don't know about the fear, despair, and ups and downs of entrepreneurship, they don't know how hard I work in comparison to them (in terms of the sheer volume of hours put in), they don't know about the financial turmoil of not know where your next cheque is going to come from, and they don't know about the shame of living at home with your parents in your early thirties.

As far as continuing on path, you are right; I have to keep going. I simply need to continue down the same path, with humility, with balance, with equanimity, with far more breaks, with far more stillness, and with compassion for myself and others.

You are also right about me dating on the higher end of the appearance spectrum. I went to an arts school with many beautiful women, the university that I went to has a reputation for having many beautiful women which supplement its partying culture, and working in the arts and entertainment industries has caused me to be surrounded by many beautiful women for the vast majority of my life. The combination of the previously-mentioned environments, alongside perfectionism and my other insecurities have caused me to predominantly seek incredibly beautiful women, and unfortunately, it has also caused me to put them on a pedestal. Clearly, that hasn't served me, in regards to experiencing intimacy and connection, within the context of a meaningful, long-term, romantic relationship.

I fully agree with this sentiment, of yours: "Our self-concept becomes conflated with that person, it triggers and manifests are inherent state of emptiness. To feel complete and to remove that anxiety we have to acquire that person. The problem with strong attractions is that they are largely based on insecurity. A confident person does not get infatuated, for the most part anyways."

It describes my codependency, within romantic relationships, within potentially romantic relationships, and within my career.

I have obviously employed a number of tools and experts to mitigate some of these issues, and one involves reminding myself that it's unwise for me to look up to anyone, it's unwise for me to look down on anyone, and it's unwise for me to compare myself to others.

I find that when I enter a relationship or potential relationship with a lot of anxiety and neediness, and with a lot of emotions that I would associate with the confusion, fear, and anger of my childhood experience, it's a sign that I am out of alignment, that I am putting the other person on a pedestal, and that the whole thing will fall apart in one way or another; whether it's through my own self-sabotage, or the other person moving away from me.

Thank you for describing the distinction between healthy attractions and unhealthy attractions, and I hope that in time, I will be able to make the distinctions, and I will be able to see red flags much sooner. I am improving, but sometimes it takes a few weeks, a few months, or even longer to realize how far out of alignment I am, and that I am reenacting maladaptive childhood patterns.

However, outside of my insecurities, and needs for external validation, is it so wrong or maladaptive for me to be attracted to beautiful, sexy women, as a straight man? If I can connect to that strong attraction in a way that isn't needy, and that is grounded in mature sexuality, and non-attachment, wouldn't that be a beautiful thing, especially within the context of dating?

Last winter, I did try dating a woman that I wasn't particularly attracted to, and it didn't go anywhere, simply because she didn't turn me on. There wasn't that romantic spark there, and I couldn't get into her, despite all of her great qualities. So, idealizing the most beautiful women is unwise, but having little to no sexual chemistry doesn't work either.

In the meantime, it's important that I avoid burning out through perfectionism, because when I do, I enter a place of deep shame, anger, and isolation, and my cortisol and other stress hormone levels become unmanageable.

This leads me to have sex with escorts, and to eat far too much junk food, and I want to avoid both. They provide a fleeting form of relief, and contribute to the hamster wheel of shame, anxiety, perfectionism, and the need for control that I have been on, for a long time.

In addition to everything that I have been doing, and the multitude of tools that I have at my disposal, I started working in a more balanced way, as of yesterday, and I am currently reading the following books:

"Tao Te Ching" by Laozi: https://www.amazon.com/Ching-25th-Anniversary-English-Mandarin-Chinese/dp/0679776192

"No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover: https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy-ebook/dp/B004C438CW

"The Power of Full Engagement" by Tony Schwartz: https://www.amazon.com/Power-Full-Engagement-Managing-Performance-ebook/dp/B000FC0SWS/

"The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up" by Marie Condo: https://www.amazon.com/Life-Changing-Magic-Tidying-Decluttering-Organizing-ebook/dp/B00KK0PICK/

Hopefully they will help, and I will also read your blog post, right now. I will comment on it, via a message.

Thanks again! I really appreciate your insights.

No no no. Don't do what he said. Unless you're dealing with a girl that radiates "quirky".

The first reason? It could be seen as a beta move where you look away first. Like you're nervous. Then she dismisses you for being a beta bitch.

(edit: the use of "beta bitch" is getting a lot of flack. Obviously, people do not like the phrase. To me, "alpha" and "beta" refer to what a person finds attractive and unattractive. Which changes person to person. I have a friend who loves confident guys. If she makes eye contact and the guy looks away first, she loses interest. She wants a guy to hold eye contact, to challenge her. That doesn't mean a guy can't reignite interest. But eye-contact is her quick test. Some girls might HATE eye contact and think a guy who won't look away is too intense. And a guy who looks away is normal. To this girl, eye-contact guy is beta and less-eye-contact guy is more alpha. There are people who think me using the phrase "beta bitch" is beta. Where someone who says, "Just be yourself" is alpha. That's fine. But there are people who will say, "I would be myself, but I don't know what to say or do?" All I'm trying to do is provide a way to analyze the "is she checking me out" situation in a way that is as alpha/beta neutral as I can. Of course, saying "Hi" and acting natural can work and often does work. But there are plenty of times in a bar where you can go up and say "Hi!" and the girls want nothing to do with you. Not even because "they suck" or "are awful people not worth your time." Just because they're out and don't want to have to deal with dudes trying to hit on them. As someone with a lot of friends that are girls, it's painful to hear about and see how much they are approached and end up coming off as rude because guys are overly persistent. What I described here is what I have found to be the simplest and least invasive method of gauging whether or not a girl is interested.)

But say she doesn't see it like that. Say it works. She looks at the ceiling because she saw you look at the ceiling. Where do you go from here? Do you go up and say, "Hey, I saw you look at the ceiling too?" Do you just walk up and say, "Hi." What if she says, "What did you look at?" Or "Why did you look at the ceiling?" What are you going to say? "Uh. I don't know?" Or do you say something "witty" like "Checking the weather." That's just fucking weird. I mean, sure, there's probably a way to recover and move beyond this moment, but you're starting from a weird and limiting position. Worst case scenario is she doesn't say anything at all and just dismisses you as a weirdo.

Best case scenario is she's quirky and attracted to you and thinks this is a meet-cute and you're in. It can happen. But I would guess a success rate of 1 out of 30.

What you should do is check her feet. Body Language 101. The feet reflect the attention of the mind. If you're talking to someone and their feet are pointed at you, they want to be talking to you. If you're talking to someone and their feet are pointed at someone else, they're focused on that person. If their feet are pointing at the door, they want to leave. (see this book).

Next time you're just standing around in public, check where your feet are pointing. And pay attention to the feet of other people.

I've used the feet method to hook up with a number of girls. Here's what you do.

Look around the bar or party or wherever and see if any girl has a foot (or feet) pointing at you. If yes, move a few feet away. Not far enough to where you're out of her view, but enough to where she would have to adjust her foot. If her foot adjusts and points at you again, yes. Or you notice it later in the night: yes.

If you're comfortable in the situation, like it's a house party and you know a lot of the people, you can go up and introduce yourself. Ask if she and whoever she's talking to needs a drink or something. Walk away. That way you've broken the ice. You can check later to see if the girl has her foot pointed at you again. If so, you go back up and start the flirtation. Or it might be on from the very beginning.

The first time I used this, I was at a house party. One of my friends was talking this girl up, but her feet were pointed at me. I moved. She adjusted. I went up and asked my friend a question. The girl immediately introduced herself and began asking me questions and laughing at everything I said. My friend wouldn't leave. I mentioned wanting to go to the kitchen for a snack. She said she could use one too. Away we went. (In case you're concerned for my friend, he was okay; actually, he apologized for not realizing what was going on and leaving on his own.)

If you're at the bar, you don't have to do a straight approach. But you can close proximity. Usually by having a solid wingman or two. You would notice a girl looking at you. Check her feet. Her feet are pointed at you. You would finish you drink. You and your wingman/men go to the bar. Get more drinks. Be deep into conversation as you come away from the bar. Casually near the girl/her group but not as though you're approaching her. Head near her as though on accident. Stay engaged in the conversation. Stop walking to have the conversation. Laugh. Hold your own in that spot. The conversation can slow and now you're just in that spot. This position affords you many opportunities. The girl can now get your attention. Or you could overhear something her group is talking about and get involved in the conversation. If you're feeling real good, you could just transition to the group with a simple "Hey. My beer tastes awful. What are you all drinking?" and slowly work to your target. Be sure to check her feet. If they want to talk to you, they'll respond to your question. If they don't, they won't. The question doesn't really matter. Imagine DiCaprio breaking the ice with a group of girls. They won't give two fucks about how he starts the conversation because they want to talk to him. If girls don't want to talk to you, a clever line might win them over. But if they do want to talk to you, you don't have to try hard or do anything fancy. The important thing is not to bore them.

Some of this might sound complicated. But it's really not. Once you get used to it, it's very simple.

(edit There are people who claim this isn't natural. Social interaction is a skill, just like anything else. Dribbling a basketball can seem unnatural, but once you do it enough it becomes natural. Same with this. When described in a such a way, yes, it sounds forced. But if someone were to describe their "natural" approach in a self-reflective manner (and not just, "I don't know man, I just do what I do."), it would, I suspect, sound unnatural and calculated. In one comment, someone mentioned "hoop jumping". Whether you like it or not, hoop jumping happens. Some guys actively do it. Others don't think about it. But every romantic interaction is an escalation of hoop jumping. "Talk to me." "Let me touch you." "Touch me." "Let's kiss." "Let's spend time together alone." Every friendship is hoop jumping. Every social interaction is hoop jumping. Some people might be great with hoops and it comes "natural". Others have no idea. But once they become aware and practice using hoops, they can become natural and then romance isn't so hit or miss.)

Oh, if you're at a club--god help you. Just take shots and dance as though the world were ending.

----

I hope the above edits helped clarify. I'm not trying to be a monster. Yes, this is a huge block of text. But social interaction isn't easy for everyone. There are a lot of people who won't care about anything that I said. Which is fine. But there are some people who might learn something. So I went into detail. I know how lost I was when I was a freshman in college. I would have appreciated this information. I don't believe in "Game". I think canned routines are gross. That negs are gross. That AMOG-ing (being the alpha male of the group ("alpha" in the classical "dominance" sense this time)) is gross. I'm all for being yourself. But that doesn't mean "yourself" isn't flawed. If there's something I believe in more than "be yourself" it's "better yourself". Learning how social interactions work--why you were successful or unsuccessful--is part of that process.

Here's hoping I learned how to write a better Reddit post.

Hey man, I'm 23 years old, and I was a pretty big loner too back in high school. I'm still very much an introvert but I'm far from the social recluse I was back then. What I'm about to write probably won't change your life around, but at the very least I hope you might one day reflect back on it and hopefully help you a little bit.

For starters, high school doesn't really matter. It might seem like the biggest thing in your life currently (or not), but most of it won't affect you years later. Even now, some of the more popular kids I knew back in high school have retained like 2-3 friends from back then at most, while everyone else faded away and gone about their own ways. The people that will actually matter, as in your love life and work life, are the people you'll meet outside of high school.

Second, friends and connections don't come without effort. Life isn't some romance-comedy film, where you, the protagonist, meets some whimsical girl on a whim and suddenly click with her. You have to put yourself out there. Now I know, that's pretty much the opposite of what being an introvert is, but here's the thing, I'm not telling you to become an extrovert, far from it. I'm proud to be an introvert, and I'm happy to correct anyone who says/accuses me of having social anxiety, etc. That being said, I don't shy away from opportunities.

What exactly does that mean? Well, for starters, really analyze yourself as a person. What do you enjoy? What do you like? Video games? Anime? My Little Ponies? Death Metal? Soccer? LARPing? Fantasy novels? Game of Thrones? Are you Asian? Black? Indian? It doesn't matter, because I can fucking guarantee you right now that there's someone at your school who shares the same interests, but you have to make the effort to find them. How? Well, clubs and activities are a good place to start, if your interests line with one that's available at your school. Does your school have some online forum? Trying seeking people there. Point is, you're not the only person at your school with your tastes, but you're not going to find them without at least making some effort. But here's the thing. If you don't or can't find anyone by the time you graduate, it's okay. The world is a big place. In the last 5 years since I've graduated, I've met people with similar interests as me in places I never thought I would. I promise you that you will too.

Third, start caring about your physical appearance. I don't give a damn if you're the kind of kid who thinks worrying about how you look is superficial and shallow and you're above it all, because believe it or not, how you make yourself appear matters a whole lot more than you think, not just in social settings, but in your work life as well. No one's going to hire some punk ass teen who looks like he hasn't showered in days and smells like he hasn't brushed his teeth in weeks, and wears baggy ass clothes that don't fit. You might think you look cool now, but let me point you to /r/blunderyears and show you how much of a fool you might look. Start eating healthy and go buy nice, fitting clothes. Button ups, collar shirts, plain-color Tees, etc., I recommend /r/malefashionadvice, even if it has a tendency to circlejerk at times. Start hitting the gym regularly. Trust me, no one judges you, and no one cares you're there, if gym anxiety is what you're afraid of. I'm not making fun of you or criticizing you, we've all been there. It's better for you to realize it sooner and start working on it now than to be an unfortunate (yet hilarious) individual who ends up posting in that subreddit. Bless those souls who have the courage to post there, because I have my fair share of blunder pics that I'm too embarrassed to ever put on a public forum.

Fourth, don't be an asshole. This is purely anecdotal, you may not be like this at all, but when I was in high school I was an elitist prick. I thought I was cool for listening to indie and hating on mainstream radio songs and was a judgmental asshole. I also thought anyone who was religious was an idiot for believing in the supernatural. I studied philosophy, works like Thoreau, Kant, Marx, etc. I thought I was so much smarter than everyone. In retrospect, it's that kind of attitude that repelled people. Look, if you have some passion or interest that you have some insight or knowledge into, that's great! But don't shoehorn it into a conversation unless it's with someone who shares the same interests, and don't act like you're better for having some niche interest. Everyone you meet is your superior, because everyone you meet knows more than you on something, so treat everyone with respect.

Lastly, I highly recommend reading these two books: How to Win Friends & Influence People and Introvert Advantage (both non-affiliate links). I know, it's a silly sounding book, I sure as hell was embarrassed when I bought it. Hell, you might even think the contents of the book are obvious. But in the last 5 years since I've read that book, I ended up employing a lot of the techniques in that book without realizing, and it's paid off. Even if you think it's stupid, as long as you keep the key points of the book in mind, you will subconsciously execute them in social settings, and you will see it pay off, I promise. The second book, Introvert Advantage, will help give insight into your life in more ways than most people in your life will be capable of, because the book will understand you. Your parents, your guidance counselor, or hell your therapist if you have one might not, because not everyone understands what it's like to be an introvert, but this book will. Try giving both a read.

More than anything, I want you to know that high school isn't the end all be all that defines how you'll live for the rest of your life. I was borderline suicidal in high school. Thoughts of how to kill myself was my only solace at night. I honestly thought I would have ended up offing myself by the time I was in my mid-20s, but here I am, happier than I ever was back then. It takes time, a little bit of luck, but mostly a lot of effort on your part.

List of Michigan Brewers. Probably a little out dated.

I would recommend trying Oddside whenever you can get a chance, by far my favorite "new to bottling" Michigan brewer. The Livery has amazing sours/wilds if you ever catch them at a beer fest or go to their brewery.

Theres a ton of other information I could give but I say look into it yourself!

Also for you mead lovers, we have B. Nektar and Shramm's, owned by [the man that wrote the book on mead making] (http://www.amazon.com/Compleat-Meadmaker-Production-Award-winning-Variations/dp/0937381802/ref=la_B001KCJ71K_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1404363819&sr=1-1), both housed in Ferndale Michigan.

Here is a list of the "Best Of 2014" beer list from Rate Beer. You can see Michigan listed quite a few times, especially in the mead category.

1 51 North Brewing Company (coming soon!) - Lake Orion
2 57 Brew Pub & Bistro - Greenville
3 Arbor Brewing Company Pub and Eatery - Ann Arbor
4 Arbor Brewing Company - Corner Brewery - Ypsilanti
5 Arcadia - Battle Creek
6 Atwater Block Brewing - Detroit
7 B.A.R.T.S. Bay City - Bay City
8 Bad Bear Brewery - Albion
9 Barking Cat Brewing Company (coming soon!) - Otsego
10 Barn Brew Pub - Grand Ledge
11 Bastone Brewery - Royal Oak
12 Batch Brewing Company - (coming soon!) Detroit
13 Beards Brewery - Petoskey
14 Beggars Brewery (coming soon!) - Traverse City
15 Bell's Brewery - Kalamazoo
16 Bifferhaus Brewing Company - (coming soon!) Jackson
17 Big Buck Brewery & Steakhouse - Gaylord
18 Big Lake Brewing - (coming soon!) Holland
19 Big 'O' Brewery (at Good Neighbor Organic) - Northport
20 Big Rapids Brewing Company (located inside Blue Cow Cafe) - Big Rapids
21 Big Rock Chop House - Birmingham
22 Bilbo's Pizza & Brewing Company - Kalamazoo
23 Black Lotus Brewing Company - Clawson
24 Blackrocks Brewery - Marquette
25 Blue Tractor BBQ & Brewery - Ann Arbor
26 Boatyard Brewing Co. - Kalamazoo
27 B.O.B.'s Brewery - Grand Rapids
28 Bravo Restaurant & Cafe - Kalamazoo
29 Bravo Zulu - Williamsburg
30 Brewery Becker (coming soon!) - Brighton
31 Brewery Ferment - Traverse City
32 Brewery Terra Firma - Traverse City
33 Brewery Vivant - Grand Rapids
34 BrickSide Brewery - Copper Harbor
35 Cheboygan Brewing Company - Cheboygan
36 Chelsea Alehouse - Chelsea
37 CJ's Brewing Company - Plymouth
38 Constantine Brewing Company - (coming soon!) Constantine
39 Copper Canyon Brewery - Southfield
40 Cotton Brewing Company (coming soon!) - Adrian
41 Cranker's Brewery - Big Rapids
42 Dark Horse Brewing Company - Marshall
43 Detroit Beer Company (The Beer Co.'s) - Detroit
44 Dewey Cannon Winery & Brewery - Three Oaks
45 Dore Riverview Complex - Bay City
46 Dragonmead Microbrewery - Warren
47 EagleMonk Pub and Brewery - Lansing
48 Elk Brewing (coming soon?) - Grand Rapids
49 Falling Down Beer Company - Warren
50 Fenton Winery and Brewery - Fenton
51 Fetch Brewing Company - (coming soon!) Whitehall
52 The Filling Station - Traverse City
53 Fletcher Street Brewing Company - Alpena
54 Fort Street Brewery - Lincoln Park
55 Founders Brewing Company - Grand Rapids
56 Frankenmuth Brewery - Frankenmuth
57 Frog Island Brewery - Ann Arbor
58 Gonzo's Bigg Dogg Brewery - Kalamazoo
59 Grand River Marketplace - Jackson
60 Grand Rapids Brewing Company - Grand Rapids
61 Granite City Food and Brewery - Troy
62 Gravel Bottom Brewery - Ada
63 Great Baraboo Brewing Company - Clinton Twp
64 Greenbush Brewing Company - Sawyer
65 Griffin Claw Brewing Company - Birmingham
66 Grizzly Peak Brewing Company - Ann Arbor
67 Harmony Brewing Company - Grand Rapids
68 Harper's Restaurant & Brewpub - Lansing
69 Hereford & Hops Brewpub - Escanaba
70 The Hideout Brewing Company - Grand Rapids
71 Hometown Cellars Winery & Brewpub - Ithaca
72 Hopcat - Grand Rapids
73 Jaden James Brewery at Cascade Winery - Kentwood
74 Jamesport Brewing Company - Ludington
75 Jasper Ridge Brewery - Ishpeming
76 Jolly Pumpkin Artisan Ales - Dexter
77 Jolly Pumpkin Cafe & Brewery - Ann Arbor
78 Jolly Pumpkin Restaurant, Brewery, Distillery - Traverse City
79 Keweenaw Brewing Company - Houghton
80 Kilkenny's Irish Public House - Traverse City
81 Kraftbräu (coming back soon?) - Kalamazoo
82 Kuhnhenn Brewing Company - Warren
83 Lake Superior Brewing Company - Grand Marais
84 Latitude 42 Brewing Company - Portage
85 Leelanau Brewing Company - Leland
86 Liberty Street Brewing Company - Plymouth
87 The Library Restaurant & Brewpub - Houghton
88 Lily's Seafood Grill & Brewery - Royal Oak
89 The Livery - Benton Harbor
90 Mackinaw Brewing Company - Traverse City
91 Michigan Beer Cellar - Sparta
92 Middle Villa Inn & Microbrewery - Middleville
93 Midland Brewing Company - Midland
94 Midtown Beer Company - Lansing
95 MillKing It Productions - Royal Oak
96 The Mitten Brewing Company - Grand Rapids
97 Motor City Brewing Works - Detroit
98 Mount Pleasant Brewing Co./Mountain Town Station Brew Pub and Steakhouse - Mount Pleasant
99 New Holland Brewing Company - Holland
100 North Peak Brewing Company - Traverse City
101 Odd Side Ales - Grand Haven
102 Olde Peninsula Brewpub - Kalamazoo
103 Old Boys Brewhouse - Spring Lake
104 Old Mill Brewpub & Grill - Plainwell
105 Ore Dock Brewing Company - Marquette
106 Original Gravity Brewing Company - Milan
107 Osgood Brewing - Grandville
108 Our Brewing Company - Holland
109 Patchwork Brewing - Decatur
110 Paw Paw Brewing Company - Paw Paw
111 Perrin Brewing Company- Alpine Township
112 Petoskey Brewing - Petoskey
113 Pike 51 Brewery - Hudsonville
114 Quay Street Brewing Company - Port Huron
115 Rare Bird Brewery and Taproom (coming soon!) - Traverse City
116 Red Jacket Brewing Company - Calumet
117 Redwood Brewing Company - Flint
118 Right Brain Brewery - Traverse City
119 Rochester Mills Beer Company (The Beer Co.'s) - Rochester
120 Rockford Brewing Company - Rockford
121 Round Barn Brewery - Baroda
122 Royal Oak Brewery (The Beer Co.'s) - Royal Oak
123 Rupert's Brew House - Kalamazoo
124 Saugatuck Brewing Company - Douglas
125 Schmohz Brewing Company - Grand Rapids
126 Sherwood Brewing Company - Shelby Township
127 Shooter's Firehouse Brewpub -- Munising
128 Short's Brewing Company - Bellaire
129 Soo Brewing Company - Sault St. Marie
130 Sports Brew Pub - Wyandotte
131 Stormcloud Brewing Company (coming soon!) - Traverse City
132 Sue's Coffee House - St. Clair
133 Sugarfoot Saloon - Cedar
134 Sullivan's Black Forest Brew Haus & Grill - Frankenmuth
135 Tahquamenon Falls Brewery & Pub - Paradise
136 Tapistry Brewing - Bridgman
137 Traffic Jam & Snug - Detroit
138 Travelers Club International Restaurant & Tuba Museum - Okemos
139 Tri-City Brewing Company - Bay City
140 Unruly Brewing Co. - Muskegon
141 Upper Peninsula Brewing Company (coming soon!) - Marquette
142 Vander Mill - Spring Lake
143 The Vierling Restaurant & Marquette Harbor Brewery - Marquette
144 Vinomondo Winery; Brew Pub - Fort Gratiot
145 Walldorff Brewpub & Bistro - Hastings
146 White Flame Brewing Company - Hudsonville
147 Wiltse's Brew Pub - Oscoda
148 Witch's Hat Brewing Company - South Lyon
149 Wolverine State Brewing Co. - Ann Arbor
150 Woodward Avenue Brewers - Ferndale
151 The Workshop Brewing Company - Traverse City

Not sure if you're only looking for fiction or an entertaining read, but here are some "self help" books which have blown my mind and have had a huge impact on my life for the better. I wouldn't personally call them "self help" books, but rather, books for everyone seeking to improve themselves and learn how to make a happier life for themselves and others. Please don't be put off by the nature of these "self help" books - a few years ago I was of the belief that these were only for social retards and people with psychological issues, but I've since learned that these books can pretty much improve the life of anyone in the world in some way. Some of the things I learned in these books were so profound I had to put the book down in shock just to process it all.

Vital Lies, Simple Truths by Daniel Goleman

This shows how everyone (including yourself) will always see the world subjectively according to their own personal experiences and bias - whether being conscious of it or not. It'll really show you how to read more into interpersonal relations and develop a far better insight into how people (and perhaps even you) think mentally. Of course it's human nature for people to think they're perfectly rational, but this book shows how to recognise how people will subconsciously deceive themselves into seeing the world as the mind wants to see it.

The Definitive Book of Body Language by Barbara and Allan Pease

As the title suggests, this shows you how to read into body language. This really blew my mind - with this you will learn how to read FAR more into people and more effectively project desired attitudes of your own onto others. This will teach you things that most people are totally oblivious to, and yet, by understanding body language you will be able to tell so much more about people from it - this has taught me how to find out what people are actually thinking.

How to Argue & Win Every Time by Gerry Spence

Don't be fooled by the title - this book is not so much about arguing as it is about getting what you want with people and in life. Written by one of the world's best trial lawyers, it'll teach you how to more effectively communicate and connect with others in order to get what you and others want. At first I was averse to reading anything from a lawyer, but he really surprised me on this one - it was a hugely entertaining read and his words were some of the wisest I've ever read.

Comedy Writing Secrets by Mel Helitzer

This will teach you how to be funny! Of course, this sounds stupid and one might think that this kind of thing can't be learned, but I promise you that no matter who you are, if you read this you'll become a far more interesting person.

I don't know if these were the kind of books that you were looking for, but I hope this comes to some help to at least one Redditor out there. It's just that all of these books have greatly improved my life, and I wish I could have found these earlier. Plus it'd be nice if people would give more heartfelt suggestions on where to find more books like these - hope this helps =)

Sorry if this list is a bit long, this is kind of an obsession of mine. No one source is really all encompassing, but each one offers a different point of view. They also may seem like slightly odd choices, however I have found each one very useful when it comes to understanding how people work. If you want a more streamlined set of sources just use every other link. (I don't know how well these work if you have any sort of innate understanding of body language, but they are excellent for beginners).

Tricks of the Mind - Derren Brown - This isn't the sort of book you would imagine when looking for body language guides, and in fact it doesn't even scratch the surface of how complex our bodies are. However it does contain what I consider to be the most important thing when learning to read people, which is the concept of relativity. Lots of sources give set actions and ascribe to them a meaning based only on the movement, but people are so wonderfully complex that this doesn't work all the time. Derren instead comes up with the concept of relativity - the idea that everybody has their own baseline for body language, and that in order to read body language effectively you need to take into account the divergence from this person's normal body language instead of just looking at their actions in a vacuum. It's also a fascinating read throughout and cites numerous other books you can use if you want more sources.


Changing Minds - this is a very good resource for looking up on any one area of body language you feel you may be rusty on, as opposed to a complete guide. Everything is organised by mood and then by body part, so you can focus on whatever you want. It also covers many other related areas and little tricks for surviving interpersonal relationships.


The Game - Neil Strauss / Fastseduction - Again, odd choices for someone looking to learn how to read body language. These are more of a meta-read than actual sources on body language, as they don't go into body language in much detail at all. Honestly I wouldn't recommend these at all if it weren't for another concept that is introduced through them called Inner Game. Inner Game is about taking all the information that you have gleaned from days surrounded by words -all the actions, routines, and painfully memorized sequences - and inserting it into your daily life, with the aim of having them completely internalized and instinctual. In the book Strauss goes to some crazy pick-up gurus and gets hypnotised over the course of a weekend to try and improve his Inner Game, but honestly that's not necessary. I feel that the concept is very much related to the phrase "Fake it 'till you make it" - just as the man looking to become more confident must put on a façade and keep confidence in mind at all times until the adopted mannerisms become habit, if you want to read people you have to pay attention to everything around you and compare it with what you know. After a while you will find that it takes less and less time to understand what a particular stance suggests, and eventually you won't have to consciously think about it at all. So yeah, not very good for body language outside of one specialist area but excellent for state of mind. There may also be a seduction community on reddit, though I couldn't speak for their body language resources.

Peoplewatching - Desmond Morris - This is one of the single greatest books ever written. It was originally released as Manwatching in the late 1970s and is a staggeringly useful guide to body language. It looks at human behaviour through a zoological lens, giving it a more sterile feel than the more well known guides, but covers everything perfectly. This is I feel the perfect introduction to the subject, covering what body language conveys and speculating on how it came about without attaching too much meaning to any one gesture.

The Definitive Book of Body Language - Allan + Barbara Pease - This is almost an obligatory mention. I don't like this book. It's undoubtedly an excellent resource on the subject, and covers most topics in a nice, well-ordered manner, but I can't bring myself to like it. It has something to do with the attitude of the book I think - right from the title the authors try and place themselves somewhere up above normal humans, and the entire book has an underlying air of condescension combined with complete confidence that what it says is 100% correct and a corresponding smugness. It is also guilty of the worst crime possible (aside from the aformentioned certainty) when discussing body language, which is dressing up speculation and correlation as fact. The book is littered with speculation on numerous topics that are stated without any nod to the fact that it is in fact speculation, such as the line 'Henry VIII popularised this gesture (pursed lips) as a high-status signal because of his small mouth and modern Brits and Americans still use it'. Here I opened the book to a random page and read the first sentence I could. This sounds like an excellent fun fact except for the complete lack of evidence, and this is repeated on every single page of the book. So, while it is an excellent source for body language, please read it with an open mind and salt at the ready.



There are probably hundreds of books and websites I've missed, but hopefully those should help a bit.

Edit: As mentioned above Lie to Me and the Mentalist are good as TV goes, but I might recommend Psych over both of them just because of the way it deals with it - there is some body language stuff in there to pick up on (occasionally), but mostly it's just a hilarious and spectacular show.

Female introvert here!

All right. I know you say you've already read up on the basics, but I can't help throwing in this cartoon - it's too good/simple/accurate not to. :)

Secondly: get THIS BOOK - The Introvert Advantage by Marti Olsen Laney, Psy.D - from the library or bookstore (it's worth buying, honestly). It's largely written towards introverts, but this perspective will, if I'm not wrong, really help you step into her shoes and see it her way. PLUS there's an entire section specifically on relationship dynamics between different introvert/extrovert pairings.

A few more notes:

This girl sounds really good for you, honestly. If you've never felt this intense about love before, just know that the intensity might not last, but the depth of feelings can stick around. You sound pretty twitterpated, buddy - and that's a good thing! - but don't expect it to stay exactly like this. I like that you're actively working to make the relationship even better than it currently is, that's a great skill. :)

Your worries that you were more into her than vice-versa? Totally normal, yet often incorrect, fears in this kind of dynamic. As you may know, we introverts do a lot more thinking and less talking... we might work and play around with a sentence for hours so we can say it just right. As for her direct comments, that's an awesome sign - she is absolutely picking up on your signals and I'll bet she's putting premeditated thought into those things she says with the intent of easing your mind and being two-directional with the communication.

Written communication, like that note? Bingo. Most introverts LOVE written communication especially for serious or more confrontational issues. It's often more difficult for us to talk about these things in person where on-the-spot responses are needed - we don't get enough time to mull things over and figure out how best to say what we really want to say. So if you want her thoughts on a serious topic or she seems less-than completely comfortable and natural about discussing something you've brought up, write her a note (email is great) telling her you'd love to have a written conversation about it and to take as long as she needs replying. Reply back, etc. Once you've "broken the ice" discussing a topic in this way, she may feel more comfortable discussing it in person and the convo can transition smoothly and comfortably to real-time discussion.

Best of luck, you seem like a great guy. :)

I like the idea of this thread, and it's thoughtful for you to put the effort into trying to help someone in this state.

> I told him that there is no way what he’s saying is true and he needs to stop believing that about himself and I also shared how there are plenty of people who will see value in you when you see value in yourself as corny as that sounds.

As a general rule, I'm not a fan of just do XYZ advice. That's not a critique; it takes time, and not everybody can invest much into this. I think it was thoughtful for you to offer an compassionate ear. I sometimes like to ask questions about what people do for fun. I do this for two reasons: first, it encourages people to check in with themselves. What am I doing? What would I like to do? How am I socializing? What is keeping me from it? It also teaches people that they can check in with others, which is the foundation for building a connection with people.

And that leads to another point: sometimes people simply feel alone, and view sex as a kind of validation. That's where therapy comes into play: sex is fun. Sex is social. Sex is a thing that partners can share. But if sex is an ends to a means for proving something, then it's no longer a shared experience between partners. It makes those partners into gatekeepers, and that's a distorted view (and incidentally another good reason to see a therapist: to work through the underlying reasons that someone might be experiencing this distortion).

>...there are plenty of people who will see value in you when you see value in yourself as corny as that sounds.

It's easy to slip into the mindset that this needs to be a paradox: how can one love themselves if others don't? How will others know how to love you if you can't love yourself? I know that a while back I needed help, but I couldn't quantify it. All I could do was acknowledge that whatever I was doing at the time just wasn't working. Therapy helped me and two years later my window shifted all over: I date actively now, I go out and strike up conversations, and my old defeatist self would have never taken the exams I'm taking, and I'm about to take my eighth in three months... and in the wake of a very expensive failure. What keeps me going? Learning to forgive myself when I fuck up. How does one do that? I'd like to say that it comes from developing a healthy relationship between yourself, your goals, and how you mediate between them without trying to please the ghosts of your past, but I don't know if others have had the experiences that I've had. But back to the point: sex and dating are one piece of a whole.

It's ok to feel disappointed. The challenge is learning how to deal with those feelings in a way that acknowledges that you're not alone but also respects your feelings as your feelings.

Anyway, that's a lot of statement. Here are some thoughts to your actual question about resources.

Resources:
---

I tried to structure this list around ease-of-access - that is: easy to read/watch.

Planned Parenthood - Virginity

Planned Parenthood does a great job discussing the various means through which people can lose virginity. What I like about this resource is that it points out that virginity itself can be arbitrary.

SoNotable: I think there are a few types of virginity, including innocence (not knowing what sex is, lost when you regularly watch porn and develop an understanding of the concept of sex), partnered (Never having had sex with a partner, lost when you are intimate with a partner), and shared (the first time you sleep with somebody/ies and get through the initial "how do we communicate"-isms).

---

How to Lose your Virginity

A documentary of sorts that describes the concept and history of virginity. It's mainly told from the perspective of young women, but the concepts discussed applies to young men as well.

---

The Ethical Slut

Is it counter-intuitive to suggest a book to virgins that discusses polyamorous relationships? I don't think so. This book focuses on emotional honesty and makes talking about sex a lot easier. Virgins can (and should learn to be) sex-positive.

---

Web: GirlsAskGuys.com

This is a site that encourages people to ask and answer questions, and has a fairly balanced population. If someone has a question that they feel might be gender-specific, it makes it easier to know who is answer from which perspective.

---

The Guide to Getting It On

While I wouldn't recommend reading a 900+ page sex manual cover to cover, this book is great because it covers a ton about sex, including things that might cause anxiety or stage fright. I've loaned my copy out to friends who've confided in me, and it's helped them. It also does a good job of normalizing sex-talk.

---

I'm currently studying a lot and focusing on personal development, but I want to expand this reading list once I've finished my current side project. In the mean time I'm sure others can add a few items.

I hope this offers some ideas that you can take and use. Also, most of my suggestions relate to sex and sexuality from a man's perspective; adding some resources for woman would be greatly appreciated :)

General Resources around Masculinity

The Good Men Project

/r/MensLib is a subreddit that discusses masculinity and politics in a constructive, pro-feminist voice. I like this sub because it encourages discussion of masculinity as a non-zero-sum game.

Also: someone recently told me about a sportsball player (I think Basketball?) who started discussing masculinity and hosting retreats for men. I believe his name was Chae or Shae or something like that. I'd appreciate if someone could help me figure this out, as I'd started reading briefly before getting sidetracked.

I'm sorry dude, but you are getting a lot of terrible advice here, and I would know.

The way you describe this, it sounds like all the aspects of you that make you a man have been sucked out or worn away. I'm not saying that in some sort of men vs women situation, but rather speaking purely from an attraction point of view. Women are attracted to men. Particularly manly men, but not in the stereotype you might be thinking. Masculinity. Your wife doesn't initiate? And doesn't come? Part of that is probably because of her job. It is probably stressful and a lot of work.

But if you feel like this:

> I feel trapped and soul-sapped. I feel powerless. I feel like pre-cancer-diagnosis Walter White. And, at the same time, I feel guilty for feeling like this

Don't you think she would pick up on that? I'm not saying she won't/doesn't love you, but how could she be attracted to you when you feel like that?

So now how to fix it. Firstly, this book is a lifesaver: http://www.amazon.com/The-Married-Life-Primer-2011/dp/1460981731

Read the reviews. There's nothing hugely wrong with your life choices themselves, or the way you treat your wife. To the contrary of what the top upvoted posted said, a weekend to reconnect with your wife is going to do jack all. It might make you two feel better for 3-4 days. Like I said, jack all.

You need GOALS. You need to have ambitions, be working towards something. Passionate, ambitious men are attractive. Getting in shape can help tremendously if you aren't. Testosterone levels can help too, and there are lots of natural ways to raise testosterone levels(What did you think she was attracted to if not testosterone?). Does this mean you can't be a stay at home dad anymore? Maybe, maybe not. Not all goals are work/professional.

You need to be more assertive. Fill your life with things and activities. Pick fun stuff to do, then invite HER along. Don't make your life revolve around her. Your life should include your children, but it should not revolve around your children, at least not if you want to rebuild attraction. Filling your life with more things will build confidence. Giving yourself more options so that your life does not resolve around one limited set of things(Wife, children) will give you more confidence.

Confidence. Is. Attractive. Confidence is the most important piece here, but I listed it last because telling you to "be more confident" helps no one. Telling you ideas of how to BECOME more confident helps.

Get back into a metal band(Passion). Aim to become a world class chef(Goals). Start doing MMA or Krav Maga(Fitness & Testosterone). You can do this. And she won't know it/know why, but she will love it.

My son is 5 months. The best reading will depend on who you are, your life experiences, and what you are looking for. This is merely a list of books I've read between shortly before his birth and now and have given me a lot to think about as a man, a father, and a husband.

• The 5 languages of Love
  
• No More Mr. Nice Guy
  
• The Myth of Male Power
  
• Siddartha
  
• Living Nonviolent Communication
  
• Nonviolent Communication
  
• Punished By Rewards
  
• Unconditional Parenting (in progress)
  
  Also regularly reviewing information from CDC on Developmental Milestones. Great advice on what to watch out for and when, including what to childproof how and when.
  
  I wasn't going to write a summary, but now that I look at the list, It deserves some context. So, one sentence quick blurb per book in order, my take away thought from the book.
  
  
• What makes you feel like you are expressing your love may be different than what makes your partner feel loved -- know the difference and let it be an ongoing conversation.
  
  
• Be honest with people about your feelings good and bad with everyone you care about -- they are equally a part of who you are and you are cheating yourself and others when you don't.
  
  
• Be mindful of how you invest your time and energy. Money / career is great, but it CANNOT substitute for being present in the life of your family.
  
  
• Your child is not a continuation of your legacy or life lessons. They will not be born having learned from your mistakes. Knowledge (what you have to share) is no substitute for wisdom (what can only be gained from personal experience).
  
  
• Our culture does not emphasize need / feelings based communication.
  
  
• Empathy is something to be studied and practiced if we are to have or communicate good emotional well-being.
  
  
• Training kids into approval-seeking behavior is highly overrated and has perverse consequences.
  
  
• Nearly every parent may love their kids unconditionally, but is that what kids are really learning through your behavior?
  
  Anyway, not trying to claim these are the best books for everyone, but I am very grateful for the insights I gained from reading them. Happy to share more if you have any questions about them. Hope you find a selection that inspires you and that you never stop seeking more great books to read. Best luck and congratulations on your journey. :)
  
  

I'm know I'm late to the party, but I'll share a brief story.

A few years ago I went on a weekend trip with some really close friends (we were 2 guys and 3 girls). We rented a cabin in a warm town, went to the pool,went for drinks, nice trip overall.

During a game (some dices with tasks to do to other players, just not the spicy ones), one of my friends got tasked with complimenting me. After a minute of thinking she told me I'm a nice guy. I wasn't sure why but I felt offended at that and it stuck in my head for a while.

After some thought and research, I found the book No More Mr Nice Guy (100% recommend it if you feel you are nice to people and don't get recognition for that).

Basically, sometimes when I thought I was been "nice", I was been manipulative from other's perspective. I expected others to return the favor and be nice to me without me making that clear; in my head there was a sort of contract between us after I did something for them, but only in my head. It seems like it should be common sense that I want others to be nice to me; but common sense is the least common of senses.

It's possible to be too nice. Offering help to people makes them feel indebted, which some don't like, and if I'm not clear what I expect in return, it can also make them uncomfortable. I used to go out of my way to find ways to help others, particularly if it was a girl I like, and didn't understand why they didn't like me back. I now know that being nice and feeling attracted to someone are not mutually inclusive; and people can resent you if you don't communicate properly what is it you want from them. Getting mad at other for not understanding doesn't help either.

​

From the book I learned that being nice and trying to fix other people's live so they'd like me are very different things. You cannot make others happy, you can only make yourself happy and share your happiness with others. Tough in all honesty, it still takes some effort to put into practice. Pay more attention to becoming a happy person, you can attract more people into your life.

​

I'm not sure if my situation is close or not to yours, but the lesson is you can still be nice while also paying less attention to being nice to others and instead being nice to yourself first.

You're exactly the sort of person who will eventually stumble into the seduction community. You could do worse, but first, some warnings...

1. It's like any other group: A belief in self-superiority because of knowledge that the public at large does not have that they regard as valuable. That doesn't actually make them any better.
   
   
2. Do not start playing a character. Of all the advice, all the routines, all the lines, there is no substitute for having an actual personality. Yes, you can pretend to be someone you're not, but that means whenever you're around that person, you have to pretend to be someone you're not. How long can you keep that up for? You're not a secret agent. Be yourself, but be the best version of yourself.
   
   
3. Be prepared for the arms race. You are now in competition with many other men (dozens at a party, thousands to millions in your city, billions worldwide). You are going to win some and you are going to lose some. Be prepared for both. In your case, it's winning that's going to be harder to deal with: It's the unknown. Embrace the unknown.
   
   That said...
   
   > How do I overcome my inexperience?
   
   AndyNemmity said it: Practice.
   
   > Should I ever tell women that I'm inexperienced? (I tried this once and it might've put her off.)
   
   I would say, yes, you should; if nothing else, when asked, but I don't recommend bringing it up. This is really your call. Different people will react in different ways. It's going to take some time to learn what those ways will be.
   
   > What should I do about my emotions showing up like yesterday?
   I think my self-esteem problem comes from my inexperience, but is there anything I can do specifically for that problem?
   
   You are not going for 100%. You are going for 5%. Out of 20, 19 are practice. Act on your emotions as soon as you get an inkling of them. Regret lasts so much longer than rejection.
   
   > I'm starting to use dating sites. Do you have any ideas for my circumstances? (Maybe I should look for a short-term relationship, or more women in the 18-22 range, or older women?)
   
   Every word counts. Give people something to build on. Make sure your profile has lots of things to talk about. You are awesome. You make awesome into a verb. Be as positive as possible: Nothing has ever gone wrong in your life.
   
   When you reach out to someone, make sure that there's something obvious to respond to. Ask an open-ended question about their profile. "Hi, how's it going?" is good enough in real life, but sucks online.
   
   > Is it wrong for me to turn down interested women? (Like the "love" case above, but maybe I should just do it anyway. That doesn't seem fair to anyone.)
   
   It might be right for you. This is something only you can decide. Is a relationship with this woman an improvement in your life? Maybe, maybe not.
   
   > Should I learn/accomplish/do something to stand out of the crowd?
   I try to strike up a conversation before asking someone out to get some comfort in learning a little about them. Is this a bad approach? It probably limits my options.
   
   If you have everyone's attention, you are making an impression on anyone you might be interested in. This is a two-way street, so while it's powerful, be careful.
   
   You should have something interesting to talk about. Otherwise you're just one of the masses, and blending in isn't going to get anyone's attention.
   
   I'll also mention that you might consider getting one of your female friends to set you up. This is likely to be a lot less game-playing. Maybe you want to play games; games are fun, after all, and you probably don't want something too serious right now. You probably don't even know what it is you want. If you do know, tap into your social network.
   
   > If I'm the one keeping a conversation going (by asking questions, introducing topics, etc.), how likely is it that she's not interested?
   
   Very likely, but that isn't your fault. We live in a self-centered society. The best you can manage is pay attention to the things other people say (do not talk to just girls; talk to everyone), and tie back into it later. Someone who is actually paying attention will be genuinely surprising.
   
   On the downside, then you may well become the bored one.
   
   > Are there any books that could help me? Assume I've never read any on this topic.
   
   It sounds like the major issue you're having is picking up on signals. For that, I would recommend starting with The Definitive Book of Body Language; skip to chapter 15, but read the whole thing. I've also seen advertisements for You Say More Than You Think but haven't read it; that might be useful. Really there are any number of body language manuals out there. Read at least one, preferably more.
   
   Consider reading either some of the book by Leil Lowndes (in particular, I'd recommend How to Talk to Anyone), or The Rules of the Game; both will get you started just talking to people. I would favor Leil Lowndes' work just because she seems less sketchy (though she did co-write a paper with David DeAngelo).

I can’t say I’m 100% cured, but can I say that it does get better. If you keep working at it you will grow and get better at it.

I’ve written a post describing my advice that I’ve learned in my 10 years since my suicide attempt. Here’s a link to it.

As for self love, that’s a little different of road. I had a really bad “hate tape” playing in my mind for the majority of my life. A great place to start is the book Feeling Good by David Burns. The sparknotes version of this book is that we have thoughts that are designed to hurt our outlook (called cognitive distortions) and gives you good tools to identify and address these. I’m not a huge fan of self help books, but this is scientifically researched and written by one of the originators of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. This combined with meditation is really potent stuff.

I believe in faking it until you make it. What I’ve realized is that what most people say about self-love is true and unhelpful. It feels inauthentic to say that we love ourselves if we truly don’t feel it. And it is precisely this thought process that kept me from truly loving myself. I force myself to say nice things to myself even when I feel like a crappy human being. Instead of self-deprecating, I over exaggerate my own ability and awesomeness. They end up being the same jokes just reversed (a cheeky “Oh I totally meant to do that” instead of a depressing “see how worthless I am”).

And I’ve found this to work. My brain is in the habit of self-love rather than self-loathing. If you do something enough it becomes your automatic response. Have you ever said ironically loved something so much (like a meme or a song) that you grow to genuinely love it? That’s how I developed a healthy relationship with myself.

What I’ve found is that loving yourself is simple and incredibly difficult at the same time. All those cliches about “just be your own best friend” and “go easy on yourself” are technically right, but ignore the amount of time, effort and failures that come on the way to that point. It’s kind of a 3 steps forward two steps back kind of thing.

Lastly there will be days when you just don’t feel it. This is when I reach out to people I love and care about for external validation. Again my brain wants to say “they are only saying that because you specifically asked for it”. And I say so what? Just because I asked my best friend to say nice things about me doesn’t mean he doesn’t mean it. We have a relationship built on trust; he would say tell me if something was wrong with me just as easy as what is right. The fact that he would do that for me speaks to how much he cares for me. I would do the same for him.

I can’t say that this is full proof or that it will even be relevant to your life (hell it doesn’t work for me all the time), but I hope there is some nugget of information that you can steal from this that might help you on your journey to self acceptance. Even if these aren’t the right answers for you, I can tell you that your answers are out there somewhere. Maybe they’re in you just waiting to be uncovered.

God bless:)

>try to understand me before you jump up on the bench with your white wig and your gavel.

I read some of your other comments before first responding to you. You're in your thirties, and oh so experienced. Except that you think you know more than you really do. Experience with only certain types of relationships, and second-hand at that, does not make you an expert on all things emotional or human. At least have the humility to accept that you don't know all there is to know about people before handing down your "wisdom".

>but it's another thing entirely for a guy to string a girl along for months or even years on end because she thinks that one day he's going to magically realize how good she is to him and he's going to devote himself entirely to her.

Which is exactly what I was referring to by reading things onto the OP's situation that were in no way hinted at or supported by her post. She seems to maybe still carry some of your assumptions, since she was initially hurt by his not wanting to be in a relationship, but has since realized that a relationship wasn't what she wanted either. Where's the stringing along? Where's the abuse you so readily assume must be there?

>I've personally watched friends of mine, both male and female, get sucked into these situations where one person thinks there's an emotional connection that is eventually going to come to fruition, while the other person laughs at the very idea of ever taking the relationship further than the bedroom.

Yes, of course this happens. But it doesn't always happen, it's neither the norm nor the majority of cases. There's nothing here to indicate that this is one of these situations...well, nothing except your obvious prejudices and preconceptions.

>Human beings, particularly women, are not biologically/emotionally structured to bounce freely from one sexual partner to the next without forming any emotional attachments.

Support that statement or stop making it. Or rather, clear up what you mean by "emotional attachments". As someone who's had a significant number of happy, consensual sexual friendships in his life, I freely admit that these friendships were deeper and meant more to us than most non-sexual friendships did. But caring about and for a person doesn't mean you want to form a long-term monogamous bond with them, and your assumption that feelings (particularly female feelings apparently) automatically require a traditional monogamous relationship to be healthy and not wounding is simply wrong. You go on and on about your experience, yet I doubt that yours holds a candle to mine. So sure, sexual relationships will always mean more than non-sexual relationships, because of the intimacy and trust required for consensual sex. But that meaning does not need to be expressed in the narrow forms you set out for it, and there need be no using of one party by another simply because they chose a different arrangement than you would.

>it's impossible to argue that there aren't elements of our physiology that encourage us to fall in love with someone and reproduce

I would recommend you read Sex at Dawn before you peddle unfounded "evolutionary" psychology as if it were at all valid. Yes, that hoary old chestnut has been repeated endlessly for generations, but it doesn't make it any more true. Romantic love, especially of the Taylor Swift variety (which seems to be what you're holding up as the natural state of human romantic relationships) is a relatively recent invention, not more than a couple hundred years old. At our deepest, most fundamental and instinctive level, we're wired to share several partners and form deep attachments with all of them, to share resources and child-rearing responsibilities amongst a small group of equal adults. We may not do things this way anymore, and deep-seated social mores and phobias (casually reinforced by people like you) may make these arrangements problematic for most people today, but that is what the elements of our physiology encourage us to do.

As a "unicorn", I feel I can add a little advise:

• Always be forthcoming about your intentions with everyone you interact with. When you talk to your bf, leave it clear that this is something you want to explore with him by your side, and perhaps emphazise that you aren't doing this because he isn't enough. One of the couples I have gotten to know is super cute. He sees her liking FFM 3ways as someone who wants to eat a PB&J sandwich. Why restrict yourself to either PB or J when you can have both??
  
  I feel you have gotten a lot of advise as to how to approach your bf. I want to add more in terms of how to approach girls, as, forgive me if I'm wrong, but I'm thinking is more likely than not that he will agree to proceed. In my experience men tend to be pretty understanding and supportive of their gfs/wives being bi and wanting to bring a girl into the bedroom for both to play with. ;)
  
  
• Once you talk to him, I'd recommend you guys play along different scenarios and come up with ground rules and boundaries. You both need to agree on those BEFORE you try and find a girl. As a third, it is clear when a couple is looking for a third because they are in a stable relationship and want to play like that, and it is also clear when that isn't the case. I have personally ran in the opposite direction when I've met couples who are the latter. It's a lot more fun to join a established couple who knows how to have their fun ;)
  
• Finally, be forthcoming with the girl too. I'd highly recommend reading "The Ethical Slut" and "Sex at Dawn". It is hard to find willing girls. Once you find one, I'd recommend you find a subtle way to leave it very clear to her that you are meaning to explore/play, not to have an emotional relationship. Unless you do want to do that. But most definitely leave your boundaries clear to the girl.
  
  Let me know if you have any questions. Best of luck! ;)

As far as anxiety goes if it doesn’t seem too bad you can usually deal with it by yourself. I have tried medication but that just made me an emotionless zombie so I quit taking it. My anxiety is big when it comes to new activities, people, and/or places. After some introspection I believe it may be related to how hard I judge myself and mainly my fear of failure. Before I do most things I like to research so that I can be prepared and not just show up and fail.

When I don’t do that and jump in unprepared and have to do something new the anxiety spikes. I have since come to accept these moments because they happen and will continue to happen. Worrying about it won’t change the fact that is happening. People try new things/situations and fail all the time. Failure is common and an opportunity to learn. Sometimes you win some and sometimes you learn some.

I don’t expect new guys in my shop to show up and perform at the same level as others with more experience. When people try new things it is expected that they might fail. It is normal to fail. If someone points out your failure to make fun of you then they are obviously immature and lacking in manners if they make themselves feel good by putting down others.

> It's so bad now, that I don't see the need for a friend - I could live my life without concern for that, despite having had great friendships, but not without a lover.

As long as you understand that just because you don’t see it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist if that makes any sense. Lonliness sucks.

> I'm sure I've got 1 too many bad reactions to things I've said / how I've said them, that I just don't feel comfortable being "me" from the get go now - & I'm honestly nothing bad!

This is how it works with pretty much everyone in most social situations. You start talking to them politely and little by little letting more of your personality show until you reach a point they are comfortable with. Pay attention to yourself when you are with others and you will see that you act differently with different people.

> For example, I was at a part-social, part-work related get-together, with my younger teen siblings present. I was sitting with them & 2 girls who I knew from work. So, me being me, saw some matches & went to show them a trick whereby I made a match jump erratically. My siblings obviously were amused along with previous partners, but the reactions from the 2 girls were literally, "I don't get it", belittling dialogue & yawn. I'm not Houdini, but it was just a little musing - not a date pick-up line or something :/

So they didn’t like it, big deal. You can’t make everyone happy. What do you mean “not a date pick-up line or something”? Is that what they thought it was but you weren’t trying for that or something else?

> Just wondering if there are any other sectors that are viable, like the cushy life of School (though I blew uni. 3 years of solitude went by fast).

Not sure what you mean here. Also, I never went to a university.

> I'll possibly also try picking girls up through the controversially sexist PUA concepts with a twist - I'm going for love instead of one night stands.

Do not become a PUA practitioner. Not being yourself with others is deceitful and employing manipulative techniques to win people over with a false you will result in nothing but heartache and letdown for both parties involved. There’s a reason the saying goes, “the road to hell is paved in good intentions.” Good intentions do not excuse bad practice. Don’t you want someone to love you for who you are?

I wouldn’t want to be with someone who fell for the fake me over some manipulative techniques. By all means though go and explore the PUA community and form your own opinion. I’ve already done that and you can see how I feel about it.

> The skill of socializing Is something I'm going to need to work on - but is this something only available via practice in the real world / deep end?

Do scientist go out and practice real world applications without first researching? Some yes but most of the ones that make progress do not. We are past the age of being young and dumb were it was acceptable to make many mistakes socializing. As adults we are expected to at least be good at socializing and practicing social norms. Some of use are behind the curve and that is where the greatest information resource of all time comes in. I’m talking about the internet , of course, but books too. Now start researching but remember book smarts alone aren’t always enough. You must combine book smarts with experience to have a more fruitful outcome.

> This really is my current & largest ever life goal.

That makes sense because in a world full of people being able to properly socialize is one of the most important skillsets.

Here are some of the resources that I have used and have gained knowledge from.

r/AskMen

r/AskWomen

r/Bumble subreddit for the dating app

r/datingoverthirty You may not be over thirty but there’s still a lot of good advice in there

r/malefashionadvice if you want to expand your wardrobe

r/relationships

r/sex

r/socialanxiety

r/socialskills

r/swipehelper and by extension SwipeHelper.com This is a good resource for Tinder.

r/Tinder

r/WritingPrompts because you said you like writing

Photofeeler for getting feedback on pictures you may want to use in the online dating sphere

Books;

How to Win Friends & Influence People The book was written a while ago so the situation may be outdated but the principles can still be applied today.

Models: Attract Women Through Honesty

From the description;

> “Models is the first men's dating book ever written on seduction as a purely emotional process rather than a logical one, a process of connecting with women rather than impressing them, a process of self-expression rather than manipulation. It's the most mature and honest guide on how a man can attract women without faking behavior, without lying and without emulating others. A game-changer.”

The Definitive Book of Body Language: The Hidden Meaning Behind People's Gestures and Expressions

We can continue our discussion here but if have any questions in the future I am just a PM away. I don’t have all the answers but I am willing to share my experiences.

to be honest, where i am right now, SW has made me more compassionate and healed me in a way that i couldn't get from my civilian life. it helped me cultivate a sense of power, confidence, and taught me more about how to have boundaries than any therapy modality could. i no longer have anger or hurt towards the clients i see who are married. i have a much more nuanced way of seeing people and relationships now, and that's where i'm able to have compassion for all people. i feel more like a therapist now than i did years before doing SW, and see how complicated people are.

i know what you're feeling because i've felt it too. i have gotten to a much different place now, though it took years out of SW to finally get there, and now i'm back with a much wiser and healthier perspective as a working SW again.

around the time i first started escorting around age 23 was when i came to the discovery/realization that my own father was a client. i saw his laptop open with a browser tab on eros, and coupled with many other pieces of info, i just knew he was a clientl! that, coupled with who he was a father and husband to my mother, made me lose my shit because he wasn't the best, and it gave me a very negative view of men for most of my 20s. after that, i went back to civilian jobs and slowly healed myself.

being a SW is marginalizing, but it's also incredibly powerful to have the kind of perspectives and knowledge about the world and how men operate that we get to see that civilians don't. i start with the idea of having this knowledge is extremely powerful and enlightening and build upon that. we are like deities who have secret info about the rest of mankind that other women are blind to. knowledge is power.

IMHO, sex work will change you, but it doesn't necessarily have to hurt you. it depends on how you choose to see the world and seek out new relationships with the new knowledge you know about men and relationships. there are two main perspectives i see with having this newfound understanding:

1. you focus on the loss of a disney-influenced monogamous fairytale of "the one" or prince charming and live in despair and feel like a victim.
   
2. you understand that modern monogamy is outdated for the contemporary world, and as a SW we are enlightened and lucky enough to have access to this knowledge of how most men are -- lying about their monogamy in order to sustain a piece of status or image and to avoid being alone. you understand that we have been lied to our entire lives about what monogamy is, and the lie that most men are monogamous and you will live happily ever after. you get that happily ever after is a lie, and many couples pretend they are happy and perfect when they are full of issues. as someone with this knowledge, i feel privileged to have it and be aware of it instead of living in ignorance like so many civilian women do, believing their prince charming husband is some angel working overtime, while he's spending thousands on SWs.
   
   it actually gives us an advantage over civilian women in finding the right kind of man because we understand that civilian women are lied to constantly by their own partners, families and society about what the world and what the men in their lives are actually like. it just means we have to find the right kind of man who is honest with himself and all of his partners. it will take more work, more time, but it will make our future relationships stronger if we act accordingly.
   
   gathered from my civilian dating life and sw life, what i find most noticeable about men is that men who are more focused on status and tradition are more likely to be in a monogamous relationship, but will have their cake behind their partners back. they do love their partners, but they also force their partners into non-consensual open relationships without the knowledge that it is so. they are deceivers and liars, but are they exactly monsters? no. just complicated men who aren't able to live authentically and live a life of lies on a daily basis.
   
   luckily there are more men than ever before, especially in younger generations, who are becoming more honest about what they want, and their relationships. ethical non-monogamy is an option and many people are very happy living that way. I think a lot of non-monogamous or poly couples are much better at communication than monogamous men/people are, and that is kind of by design. i've just emerged into my non-monogamous identity, and as someone who is dating and trying to meet a primary partner, I've found that men who are open to real honest & ethical non-monogamy are men who are more likely to be sw-friendly and understand it as real work, but also are just more open about everything in general. while obviously not every non-mono guy is like that, it's much more apparent than in monogamous men who don't know how to communicate and play games. it's a breath of fresh air actually.
   
   some videos for intros to non-monogamy:
   
   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9cVPDSHSaW4
   
   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s7E9ASb3LfE
   
   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bW8jW946HE0
   
   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_3ZHePuZ9U
   
   ...and of course this book, the bible of polyamory/NM: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0399579664/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_dp_ss_2?pf_rd_p=b4bbef4e-170e-463d-8538-7eff3394b224&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=1442200227&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=C6RPSSN1TVTT8DR4299V&pf_rd_r=C6RPSSN1TVTT8DR4299V&pf_rd_p=b4bbef4e-170e-463d-8538-7eff3394b224
   
   ​
   
   ​

We did:

Four-week "comprehensive childbirth" class at our hospital, which I really liked and am glad I took. The instructors were all either nurses or former nurses at our hospital and were familiar with our hospital's policies and standard practices, so I now feel very comfortable with what might happen during our birth; also, it turns out our hospital is pretty awesome. It was also actually some nice bonding time with my husband, especially when we practiced having him coach me.

One night breastfeeding class, also at the hospital. Informative, but not necessarily anything I couldn't have learned on my own. It was good to hear about the breastfeeding support that my hospital offers, but I suspect I would have found out about all of that anyway during my stay.

Watched the DVD series Laugh and Learn about Childbirth. It was nice to have a second perspective, and there is so much to know about childbirth that there was material covered in the videos that wasn't covered in our class. The instructor has an interesting style which we found to be hit or miss, tonally, but overall it was a good use of time. We also have Laugh and Learn About Breastfeeding, but haven't watched it yet.

I also read (I've been to the library more in the past two months than in the previous two years...):

• Ina May's Guide to Childbirth (highly recommend; very empowering)
  
• Husband Coached Childbirth (The Bradley Method) (seemed a bit dated, even though it was an recent edition, and a bit "out-there" for me)
  
• The Official Lamaze Guide: Giving Birth with Confidence (recommend)
  
• Pregnancy Sucks: What to Do When Your Miracle Makes You Miserable (a fun and quick read; more helpful for general pregnancy than labor and delivery)
  
• Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy: From Doctors Who Are Parents, Too! (also more helpful for general pregnancy)
  
  My husband is reading The Birth Partner, Third Edition: A Complete Guide to Childbirth for Dads, Doulas, and All Other Labor Companions, and likes it so far.
  
  I still have HypnoBirthing: The Mongan Method: A natural approach to a safe, easier, more comfortable birthing; The Birth Book: Everything You Need to Know to Have a Safe and Satisfying Birth (Sears Parenting Library); and Natural Hospital Birth: The Best of Both Worlds on my reading list. About three weeks to go; we'll see how far I get.

Hi, 31M, fighting depression, acute social anxiety disorder and suicidal tendencies. I am doing good now. Had a scare a few months ago when a close family member fell really ill, and I really started to put in the effort to turn my life around. It is a work in progress, but I am doing well. My advice:

1. Realize, first and foremost, that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, everything is okay. If you are an Introvert, that is perfectly fine, in fact that is a cause for celebration. You see the world runs on profit, on selling you shit you don't need and is actually harmful to you, and you being introvert is bad for business. Being calm, self-aware, introspective means no more impulse purchases, no more stress-eating, no more constant sugar rush, and most importantly no more addictions. Good for you, horrible for selling you supersaturated soda, processed junk food and drugs.
   
   
2. Realize that being shy and socially awkward is not the same as introversion. These often rise from our deep rooted emotions and conflicts, sometimes we are not aware of them. I'll give a simple example, I have lower back pain since childhood. I recently started exercising and found a fantastic fitness channel on YT. I realized that the cause of my pain was that my Glutes are terribly weak, and my Abs are weak too. My back hurts not because there's something wrong with it, but because it is overworked. My back has to put in 3 times the effort just to stabilize my core and help move my spine. Similarly, The real cause of all your emotional distress can be found, and healed, only when you start to exercise. Which means:
   
   
3. Meditate. Common sense, buddy, just as nobody but yourself can gift you with a healthy and athletic body, only you can find joy and happiness in yourself once you clean out all that fear and anxiety in your mind. Of course, a good teacher or a good book helps, just as with exercise. Simple breathing meditation. Sit comfortably. Take a deep breath. Exhale. Focus on the flow of breath. The mind will wander. Gently bring it back. Try it, start with what I did: try to perform just 3 perfect cycles. If you want to understand the scientific basis for why Meditation works, read: The Mind Illuminated | John Yates, Matthew Immergut, Jeremy Graves
   
   Some more reading: If you want to know how meditation helps the mind, read the best book on cognitive therapy:Feeling Good | David Burns.
   
   For instructions on breathing and mindfulness meditation, there are many great resources online. Also check out /r/Meditation.
   
   
4. The one thing, the one attribute that defines us and helps us most in time of need is Willpower. There is this reservoir of strength inside you, an untapped fountain of energy that will sweep away all the uncertainty, fear and pain once you tap into it. Read this: The Will power Instinct | Kelly McGonigal.
   
   
5. Develop some good habits. Wake up early. Keep tidy. Meditate. Exercise. Eat healthy. Read. Habits play a crucial role in forming us, and many of these habits are critical to our success or failure. Read this: The Power of Habit | Charles Duhigg.
   
   
6. Finally, find a goal in your life. A goal that fulfills you, gives you purpose, and makes you whole. We have a word in Sanskrit: 'Samriddhi'. It means physical, mental and spiritual fulfillment. An observation: your financial well-being is a key factor in your happiness, because it directly affects you and your ability to care for and help others. Understanding how money works and how to enjoy a steady and growing flow of income is a key skill that is often neglected. Yes it is a skill that can be learned and trained just like exercise, with just a bit of help from our old friend willpower.
   
   
7. Lastly remember you are not weak, fragile, pushover or any of these silly things. You are good. You are beautiful, strong and confident, and don't you dare think otherwise.
   
   I leave you with this song: Get up! Be good. PM me if you need anything.

>Now that I’m in my thirties and realize I don’t have much time left to have young energetic sex

First off, this has not been my experience. If you've got a high libido like your post suggests, there's no reason to believe you won't be capable of fucking your partners senseless years from now.

>I’ve read countless posts on here that women assume something must be wrong with a guy for going so long without a consistent sex life or a relationship and that he must not enjoy sex

All of us are walking around with one or more potential deal breakers. That can make dating more challenging, but it doesn't make it impossible.

• This sub has regulars who don't want to date late bloomers. And there are plenty of late bloomers who are dating successfully.
  
• This sub has regulars who don't want to date single parents. And there are plenty of single parents who are dating successfully.
  
• This sub has regulars who don't want to date anyone looking for a casual relationship. And there are plenty of people who are dating casually.
  
• This sub has regulars who don't want to date separated people. And there are plenty of separated people who are dating successfully.
  
  You're also not someone I'd categorize as inexperienced. From the sounds of it, you've had a relationship when you were younger and then multiple sexual encounters since. You're high-libido and eager to please, you just haven't had the chance to use that beautiful libido in a recent long term relationship.
  
  I'm with the other commenters here: it sounds like the issue isn't your level of experience, it's your anxiety about your level of experience.
  
  You mention that women are going to flee when they pick up on your lack of experience, but how exactly is that going to happen? Are you writing your profiles putting your anxieties front and center?
  
  My name is NayaBeatz. I enjoy long hikes, Breaking Bad reruns, and the gnawing sense of self loathing that comes from not having slept with anyone recently in the context of a long term relationship and OH GOD WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?! And no one will ever love me and life is an inescapable cycle of defeat and must love dogs!
  
  Of course not! It might feel like your history is branded on you like the Mark of Cain, but no one fucking knows and plenty of them wouldn't even care. When you discuss your history, you're free to say "Yeah, I had a relationship when I was younger but I haven't found anything long term in recent years. I'm definitely hoping to meet the right person, but it takes time, yanno?"
  
  That shit might feel epic to you, but your dates aren't going to crawl up inside your skull and live through all your self-doubt and emotional turmoil.
  
  People care about your history because of where it puts you now. You've got anxiety, but so do plenty of people. You know how to fuck, you prioritize your partner's pleasure, and you're looking for connection. Plenty of women would find that appealing!
  
  It's important to remember that there's a lot that comes between meeting someone and meating someone. You mention that you're not sure how to flirt and that your relationships tend to end after a few weeks. That sounds less like a fucking issue and more like a flirting/communicating interest/establishing emotional rapport issue. You an work on that by continuing to work on your insecurities, go on dates, and self reflect after. Assuming you can get that down, you'll go a long way to laying the groundwork for mutually satisfying, passionate sex.
  
  I won't speak for the other women here, but when it comes to sex itself, some awkwardness at the beginning is expected. Even if you've been going to Pound Town for years, everyone has different likes and dislikes, and it can take a couple sessions to find your groove. As long as that awkwardness isn't just garden variety selfishness, being totally emotionally closed off, or trying to do physically painful/annoying shit like twisting my nipples like radio dials, there's a fair amount of slack.
  
  I like to think of awkward early-relationship sex like going to the grocery store: it's not something that sounds fun on its own, but if I get to do it with someone I like I am going to have a great time!
  
  You mention at the beginning of your post that you have historically been "shy, insecure, unconfident." It sounds like you withdrew from sex as a self-protective mechanism. Reading your subsequent comments in which you focus exclusively on the messages telling you how doomed you are and how worthless it is to even try therapy, I wonder if your self talk around your sexual history (as opposed to your interpersonal skills) aren't another way to self-sabotage so you can protect yourself.
  
  If you don't have the money for therapy (or you're just reluctant to get into this topic with a therapist) I would highly suggest the written exercises from Feeling Good by Dr. Burns. You can buy used copies for cheap online, and then the investment is just the cost of paper and pens and 20 or so minutes a night. I used those exercises some years back when I was dealing with anxiety issues, and it was surprisingly helpful.
  
  Finally, you mentioned abstaining from masturbation as part of breaking away from porn. Don't underestimate the power of sexual frustration to fuck with your headspace. It sounds like you're making a positive change in your life, but go easy on yourself while you're completing your reset. Things may feel a lot less dire once you're on the other side of this and able to take the edge off again.
  
  Good luck OP. It sounds like you're in the midst making positive changes for your life. I hope you continue to progress and find the kind of relationships you're looking for.

Charme and Charisma are closely tied together but there still are a few differences, though so minor that we are going to ignore them for the sake of this post.

Charme is important to charm your opposite, be it male or female, into agreeing with you. One could say that charme makes people say yes. Even if you didn't ask a question.

There are a few things that play together:

• Your attractiveness level, including grooming, smell, clothing.
  
  
• Your power & status, but also knowledge and expertise fall under this category.
  
  
• Authority & calmness
  
  
• Your body language & confidence.
  
  
• Your humour.
  
  
• Empathy & your presence in the here and now. Ergo listening without becoming distracted.
  
  
• Your agreeability and likableness.
  
  There is no denying that a powerful person always has more charme than his inferiors. There have been studies where actors assumed the same body language and were equally attractive, were paired up against a powerful person. The effects of charme and humour were measured and it turned out that the powerful person scored much better.
  
  Now how can you learn to be more charming? My book recommendations that cover every important aspect would be:
  
  
• The Art of Seduction
  
  
• How to Win Friends & Influence People
  
  
• The Definite Book of Body Language
  
  
• The Charisma Myth
  
  This covers everything except for humour but I fear I can not help you with that. In my opinion, you either have humour, or you don't but many people claim that humour is a learnable skill. Anyway, it was never of interest to me but I am sure that you will find some sources teaching the art of humour.

I know I'm jumping into this conversation late in the game, but I really have to put this in here.

For most of my life I have felt exactly as you, and I used to consider myself being introverted as a negative thing. Obviously some people will feel that way, but they shouldn't. There are so many great things from being an introvert, but unfortunately society has created a negative stigma to it. I seriously suggest that you read "The Introvert Advantage". It's WAY worth the 10 bucks for the book. It helped me so much, and I think it will really help you and other introverts as well. It sheds new light on what it means to be an introvert as well as helping you to realize all of the advantages you've been given in life because you were born an introvert.

The post I'm replying to has several points that are stressed inside the book, including that introverts do not consider acquaintances friends, while extroverts do. I know that I had a very small group of friends for most of my life because of this, and to be honest, there's nothing wrong with it. You know that you can count on those people you call friends, and that's why they are just that; friends. And recharging your batteries alone? Yeah, definitely discussed. It's interesting to hear from other introverts like myself talk about these sorts of things, because they seem to hold true for all introverts, especially those who are deeply introverted.

One last thing that's helpful in the book and can help even extroverts is the test inside. There's a test to determine just how introverted or extroverted you are (because there are varying degrees of introversion). I suggest that if you have an introverted friend but consider yourself extroverted that you encourage your friend to pick up the book and read it yourself after they've finished. It will really shed some new light on why they act the way they do, and help you to appreciate the awesome person they really are even more. Good luck and I hope you find the book as helpful as I did!

I was right where you are a few years ago when I was finishing up my undergrad college degree. In my senior year, I was already not doing too well as the school wasn't really for me due to a variety of reasons, but I had decided to grit my teeth and just power through.

Around this time, my ADHD started getting worse and worse without me realising it. I have a mild case of Aspergers so had spent so much time focusing on managing it, that ADHD seemed like a minor thing; something in the corner that I could easily take care of. It was a shock to me then when things started to fall apart. My concentration became worse and worse, my grades fell, then stagnated as I worked myself to the breaking point. I couldn't understand how everyone around me expended so little effort to get great grades and papers. Because of this and the complete lack of tutoring/psychological resources at my school (I DO NOT recommend attending a very small college), I developed situational depression and eventually thought that I was fundamentally worse and stupider than everyone else.

This downward spiral could have been a stopping point, but thanks to a great deal of support, I finished college, got a job, and am now in a place where I can use my ADHD as an asset. I don't know how old you are, or what you have tried, but I urge you to consider doing the following steps:

1. Take a step back, breath, take a long walk. Focus on what's around you and what you're seeing, not on those thoughts crowding your mind. If a thought takes over and you start to panic, come back to the present. You can also do this while sitting, I recommend doing it in a spot with a great view.
   
   
2. Come back to whatever work you have and do the simplest task possible. It could even be doing the dishes, as long as you get that done.
   
   
3. Get through the rest of this week and don't forget to breathe. Use this community to ask for support, please pm me if you want some support. Believe me, we've all been through this before.
   
   
4. OK, you've gotten through the week. Now its time to start focusing on the bigger stuff. Do you see a psychologist who specialises in adults with ADD? If not, I highly recommend finding one in your area. When I started seeing one after college, it completely changed my viewpoint on ADHD and allowed me to develop skills better suited to the ways I think, as well as break down unhelpful coping mechanisms/bad studying strategies I created earlier in life. If you find one, try to meet every week. This is not something that should be thought of as short-term, but as a refuge to reflect on what works and doesn't work for as long as you need it.
   
   
5. Do you see a psychiatrist for your meds or just a doctor? If its the latter, I recommend getting a psychiatrist ASAP for your meds. They are not the end-all, be-all solution to ADHD, just another part of your tool-kit for managing it. Eveyone will have a toolkit that works best for them, and you deserve to have the kind of medication that's exactly what you need.
   
   
6. The social stuff? It gets better, believe me. Are you in high school or college? For me, it was only towards the end of college and especially afterwords that I started developing good social skills. Find a counselor at your school and ask them for social skills resources, they're a good starting point. I also HIGHLY recommend finding an ADD support group if any exist in the area you live. There's also great book/online resources for social stuff, though they can be a bit dense. I recommend this for body language and this for more general social stuff.
   
   
7. There are many more steps, but those are steps you create. YOU have the power over these steps and can do great things with them in your life.
   
   ADHD like life is a journey. There will be ups and downs. But the experience can be amazing instead of crushing if you get the help.

One of the best ways to help you learn how to communicate better with people in general is to work on your self esteem and confidence. Don't just try to find some random topcis and memorize them. Invest in topics that are personally important to you. Become well versed in those topics. If you just try to memorize random topics or things you think other people are interested in, but you aren't that interested in, people will start to sense it is fake. Instead, if someone else brings up a topic in which they seem passionate about, but you don't know much about, just openly admit you know nothing about the topic and ask them if they can explain it or share more about it. People will generally react more positively in that scenario. You aren't trying to impress them with your knowledge, but rather you are encouraging them to share their knowledge.

One of the keys in communication with others, especially those you are interested in, is building them up. Let them share their experiences and don't try to one up them. Don't continue to relate everything they say or do to something you have done or heard. Ask them questions about their experiences and what they learned or enjoyed most about them. If you have had similar experiences, wait until they ask you about yours. If they shared first, then generally a good idea is to spend considerably less time sharing your experience. You can always share more later if they ask. But you want to validate their experiences and knowledge.

Ultimately the best way to learn about these things is to find books on the subject:

"How to Win Friends and Influence People"

"Bringing out the Best in People"

"The Definitive Book of Body Language"

"Never Eat Alone: And Other Secrets to Success, One Relationship at a Time"

"Words that Work"

I also recommend a YouTube channel called "Charisma on Command"

My wife and I are also both bisexual high school sweethearts! A little different from your situation since we're both women, but pretty similar. We have been together for 7 years this month and have been nonmonogamous (in some form or another) for about 3.5.

My biggest advice is to never, ever forget that the third (or fourth or..) person is a PERSON. So many times, even now, my wife and I have found ourselves making decisions that affect someone else we are seeing between the two of us - and then it turns out that the other person did not want whatever we had decided.

I really highly recommend checking out More Than Two or The Ethical Slut (I like the first better but it's definitely a personal preference thing, many people in this subreddit swear by one or the other). When you're first starting out the biggest thing is that you don't know what you don't know - these books are hugely helpful resources that I wish I'd had BEFORE I made most of the mistakes in them.

Like others have said, I would definitely say date separately. If someone winds up wanting to date both of you or it happens organically, great, but don't force it. Dealing with jealousy is really hard and there's no one-size-fits-all solution - you've just got to communicate, communicate, and communicate without guilt or shaming. Also, FWIW, we started as just hookups and my wife has mostly stayed there but I wound up with feelings so I actually have a boyfriend now, too.

The not enough feelings will definitely tie themselves up in your jealousy. They are HARD stuff. IMO, you need to remember that 1. you have value and you bring something to your relationship, your husband is not with you just to humor you and 2. if your husband says he still loves you and is still attracted to you, he is telling the truth and you should trust him. Obviously everything is MUCH more complicated than that, but those are two things that have come up for me and my wife over the last few years.

Feel free to PM me or ask any other questions! I'm actually writing my Master's thesis about polyamory so even though I don't know that much myself I can probably point you toward an article or two that might help! Good luck. :-)

[cont.]

> Sorry for the long wall, I'm literally grasping at straws here, I understand that because I'm so upset this story is all just about him and his stubbornness, I must add that he doesn't have the same hangups about my socializing, but also I don't and I won't ever fight him tooth and nail over someone I claim is not important, like he does. Give me anything, INTP's I'm just spiraling into the biggest emotional breakdown of 2016, I think.

It's okay. This sounds like a really big challenge for you, and trust me my love, I have BEEN there. I get it. The good news is that all of this can be solved. The issue at stake here is mainly communication and a willingness to be vulnerable, which, if successfully navigated, can lead to a much deeper relationship and a much stronger sense of self-worth and confidence in your life. For that to happen, though, you both need to be willing to practice communication, and you both need to be willing to look at your own feelings and fears and validate them without treating them as URGENT CRISES that must immediately be resolved by the other person, because that is not possible. The only way your feelings will calm down and your fears will go away is by shining a light on them and seeing them for what they really are. They are your own responsibility, and yours alone.

I strongly suggest reading the book More Than Two. It's primarily directed at polyamorous people (people who have more than one romantic relationship at the same time, with the full knowledge and consent of all involved), but it has LOADS of insight that will be very useful in a monogamous relationship as well. Seriously, I cannot recommend it enough. There are tons of big, juicy sections about communication and jealousy that I think you will find enlightening.

I hope that my point of view has been helpful for you. Feel free to ask me if you have any questions or need clarification. I deeply wish you a full and fairly painless transition through this difficult period. Sending you all my love and support. <3

Basing a response on what you've said to us:

"Holidays for my family are all about relaxing, eating and enjoying friends and family [took a little liberty with 'getting turnt'; IL's don't sound like they'll fit in...]
As guests, your responsibility is to be gracious and to entertain yourselves rather than demanding an itinerary - or ANYTHING. I shouldn't have to tell you this - you're adults and presumably acquainted with the social graces - but I am."

"You're welcome at our Thanksgiving and to hang out if you behave like guests. The rest of the time you're on your own. None of us are your tour guide. Google some local attractions and decide what you might like to do."

It's been almost a year since I had a holiday with my own family. I'm doing so and have advised DH that he's welcome to look after you and to spend as much time as he wishes with you. I'll be hanging out with my folks and friends. Hope you have a great time."

This is salty. Overbearing and self-entitled people leave you little choice; they wouldn't be making ridiculous demands if they were sufficiently reasonable for you to be polte. You have to be blunt.

If they clutch their pearls and gasp tell them "Reasonable folks wouldn't require being spoken to this bluntly; it's sometimes called a clue-by-four. Now that I have your attention, realize how overbearing and ridiculous is your behavior. Or don't. Either way, my family and I will be spending this visit together rather than entertaining you."

Copy DH and tell him something like "Your parents are being ridiculous. They're your family. Dear, based on their demands I feel like saying 'your circus, your monkey's.' You're welcome to put up with / hang out with them all you want or feel obligated to. I won't and refuse to allow them to steal or spoil my time with my family. I find their behavior offensive BECAUSE IT IS. I hope if you let them impose on you, you begin to understand that Fear, Obligation and Guilt are a shitty basis for a relationship. With your parents or anyone."

And give him When I Say No I Feel Guilty by Manuel J. Smith and No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert A. Glover for holiday reading.

I promise that 1) this experience WON'T loosen up FMIL or help her appreciate you. You've stolen her Baby Boy (hurk) and she's pissed. 2) She's shown you who she is. Believe her. 3) Absolutely somebody's going to be stuck trying to appease her; it doesn't have to be YOU. 4) Contact MIL as soon as you read this (unless it's 3 a.m.) and tell her that you're not her bank; her reservations will be canceled at 8 a.m. Thursday (allows her an extra day for Veteran's Day) unless you have the $1500 in full.

No, dear, you DON'T just have to front her funds; you're in a little FOG yourself. What's she going to do - spank you? Ground you? Stop speaking to you? (GOOD)

You're an adult. So is she, at least in years. You're her equal. She owes you reasonableness but you're clearly not going to get it without insisting on it.
You owe her FFF: Fair, Firm and Friendly until she's an ass, which she achieved some time ago. Now she gets Fair and Firm in perpetuity or until genuine change occurs. Perpetuity is waaaaay more likely.

Please accept that you get what you insist on rather than what you deserve. Taking this to heart - and living by it - is a significant sign of adulthood.

I hope you seize this opportunity to begin reclaiming your life; you deserve it. And maybe your very dear husband will start to see that the sky doesn't fall when mommy gets told no; that in fact things are better all around when she gets over her head exploding.

It’s okay to feel overwhelmed. It’s perfectly understandable after enduring abuse and neglect.

I’d like to share some information that really helped me, that may give you a fresh perspective. If it doesn’t resonate with you, feel free to disregard it.

Communication is like any other skill. We can improve our skill set through learning and practice. We have the amazing neuroplasticity of our brains on our side here! (neurons that fire together, wire together). When learning any new skill we move through four stages as we build new neural pathways;

1. unconscious incompetence
   (we don’t know what we don’t know)
   
   
2. conscious incompetence
   (we acknowledge that we have a lack of experience, knowledge, and understanding)
   
   
3. conscious competence
   (we have to actively think about and mindfully practice our new skill; over and over again, learning from each experiment and iteration)
   
   
4. unconscious competence
   (we no longer have to think about using our new skill, it becomes effortless to perform)
   
   Like riding a bike, or driving a car. You had to move through all the steps until you get to the level where you don’t have to think about it anymore. You just get in and drive.
   
   You are past step one already! You know what you don’t know. To get to step 3, you’ll need some knowledge and tools. Here are a few that I studied, learned from, and started using in my step 3 practice:
   
   

• The 5 Love/Appreciation Languages and The 5 Apology Languages These tools taught me the ways in which we are different and unique from each other in how we like to be appreciated and communicated with. I will have friends take these quizzes so we can discuss them together and learn how to communicate more effectively with each other. Then we get to practice together.
  
  
• 16 Personalities This is another Quiz I like to do with friends. We share our results with each other and discuss where we feel the results are applicable to ourselves, and how they’re not. We discuss how we are alike and how we are different. I also discovered that I tend to get along very well with other folks that share my intuitive/thinking characteristics from this exercise.
  
  
• Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High This is a book I recommend to everyone. It really helped me learn and understand non-abusive communicating skills. Main takeaway: It is critically important to develop and maintain an environment of psychological safety to facilitate healthy communication. Otherwise, things will devolve into silence or violence.
  
  So, that psychologically safety thing, was a huge missing piece of my puzzle. My parents aren’t psychologically safe to be vulnerable around. So now I need to learn how to make it safe. And there are been some amazing tools I’ve consumed along the way.
  
  
• Everything from Brené Brown:
  
• The Anatomy of Trust. The BRAVING acronym is gold for practicing trustworthy and respectful relationships.
  
• Fitting-in, is the Opposite of Belonging
  
• The Power of Vulnerability book
  
• Power of Vulnerability TEDTalk
  
• Listening to Shame TEDTalk
  
• Why Your Critics Aren’t the Ones Who Count
  
• Another video on The Power of Vulnerability
  
• and there’s tons more...
  
  
• Francis Frei’s How to Build and Rebuild Trust Her trust triangle: Authenticity, Empathy, and Logic(what you say and how you say it) is gold.
  
  
• Shawm Achor’s hilarious TEDTalk: Secret to Happiness The tips on practicing gratitude are gold.
  
  
• Susan David’s heartfelt TEDTalk on The Gift and Power of Emotional Courage Her concept of emotional agility is insightful. Her frame that “emotions are data, not directives” and her journaling advice to “Write what you feel, tell the truth, write like no one is reading.” are gold. The “emotions are data, not directives” line helped me identify and manage all my emotional triggers and exiled emotions; bringing them from my unconscious mind into my conscious mind, where I could see them and then meditate on them using internal family systems until they resolved and I reconciled with myself.
  
  Armed with all this knowledge and multiple strategies, it becomes easier and easier to practice step 3 - conscious competence.
  
  Now we’re into the real deal. We have new knowledge and new strategies, time for some new experiences. This is where we have to be brave and learn to embrace what we don’t know and do it afraid, surround ourself with good people, and abandon our expectations and expect the unexpected. We get to play. And when we play, sometimes we make mistakes, accidents happen, and people get hurt. That’s okay. We use our apology skills and work on building trust again. We set, hold, and embrace boundaries to keep it psychologically safe. We practice. And eventually it will seem to come naturally to us. It just takes time, patience, and practice. You got this!

It seems like there's some pretty deep wounds there. If I had to hazard a guess, he was probably pretty emotionally manipulative, am I right? So here's the thing- People who are good at emotional manipulation will leave you feeling COMPLETELY GODDAMN INSANE. They create almost a feeling of addiction in the people they manipulate- it makes no sense and you can hate the shit out of it but it still works. They do this by using intermittent reinforcement with their approval and affection, and our brains pick this up like it's crack. In the absence of being able to predict what actions will bring reward, we almost panic, and end up behaving in ways that don't make sense to even ourselves. People like that can take totally normal, healthy people and make them feel like they're going insane.

Breathe. It's your brain responding the way brains naturally responds to intermittent reinforcement in intensely stressful situations. Your brain has created this link that he will provide approval and affection if you can only get the pattern right, and you're trying to get that dopamine hit from his affection and approval by any means you can think of. You're not broken, you're not fucked up in the head, your brain is doing one of the annoying little things that brains do sometimes and you will be okay without him. I know that's really hard to fathom, but think of it like this: your dopamine rush when you got affection and attention from him was so strong that your brain is almost literally treating him like an addiction. It's not love, your brain has been conditioned by his manipulation into a state of obsession. Intermittent reinforcement is the strongest reinforcement pattern, and lasts long after it feels like it "should" have ceased.

I think it might hit NT types even a little harder than other types, because our Fi is so intense but very difficult to express and explain, and we pride ourselves so strongly on our rationality. We often lock our feelings up because they can be so vicious and blistering, so when we let anyone in and we get that first hit of approval, our brain kind of loses its shit and knocks us sideways and sucks the air out of our lungs. Our brains are so pattern hungry that intermittent reinforcement is almost irresistible- we want to figure out the pattern, we feel like we've almost got it, if only we could put in the last piece.

So, if you're looking for a hint as to what the pattern is, it's control. It's not random. He will give you a breadcrumb as long as he wants to string you along, dropping one every time you start to distance yourself even a little. Learn about the cycle of abuse, especially narcissistic abuse, and you'll find the answer there. From breadcrumbs to freezing out to love bombing, it's a pattern designed to fuck with your brain and make you lose your emotional balance.

You will heal. It will feel better, but the only way out is through. Face your inner emotional damage, whatever you've got, and learn more about your own emotional processing- enough to understand how you tick and what sets off this kind of reaction in your brain. Keep talking to your therapist. Start reading books on emotional abuse patterns and on psychology, find your pattern there instead of in him.

You'll be okay. You know at some level you will be. Soldier through and work on your internal stuff and you'll get there, and will be better for it. Use your brain to beat your own brain on this.

-----

Edit: OP, look up Complex PTSD and see if it strikes a chord. A good book if you're looking for one for is The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, and resources for adult children of alcoholics would probably be pretty helpful. I would definitely recommend trauma therapy- it is probably your best bet for longer term healing, even if you do DBT first. EMDR may help, too, if you can find a therapist who works with it (many trauma therapists do). If you dissociate at all, try grounding techniques like this to get back to your more rational center. If anxiety is a big part of it for you, it's highly treatable with therapy focusing on tools and techniques to calm and ground yourself, and there are TONS of resources on the internet.

Your emotions may not make sense to you, but they aren't illogical, they exist to guide you and to give you information about the world. They may be out of proportion, but that's due to the thought processes you have and the story you're telling yourself. They're perfectly proportional to what your thoughts/self-talk are saying to you, so you have to adjust the internal dialogue to be more objective in order to make your emotions more useful and in proportion. Buddhism as a philosophy is great for helping with this, it's like the softer side of Stoicism with more focus on being kind and present. A good book on finding and correcting cognitive distortions (the self-talk that makes your emotions go nuts) is Feeling Good by David Burns (It's almost DBT lite).

Funny - I went through a similar transition when I was only a year or two younger than you.

What you need is a goal outside of your relationship - a driving force for yourself and your career, dreams about what kind of kickass life you want to be living, ideas on where you want to travel and live, and plans to make those things happen. You need to be fearless about deciding what you want in life, and all the assertiveness, confidence, and self-reliance that are inherent in womanhood will come as a result of that.

You need to think long and hard about what you want out of life, and then decide to make it happen. Nothing is too grandiose - do you want to live in the South of France? It can happen. Do you want to eventually own your own company? It can happen. The luxury of your age is that you have time to make these things happen.

To me, being a "woman" means you don't give a shit what other people think about you because you've got your goals and desires figures out (but you are still kind and polite). It means that you're life isn't dictated by fear - and it means that you are self-reliant. Therefore, any man, any career choice, any group of friends that comes into your life is evaluated by you according to whether it brings good or bad to the table for you. You don't settle for anything out of convenience.

It comes down to assertiveness, confidence, and a willingness to shamelessly ask for what you want. You already sound intelligent, you just need to learn to be stronger; with strength, you gain sex appeal. Lots of it. All of a sudden, you're a hot item, because you need to be won, you don't seem to just settle for whatever comes your way.

Know your value, know your worth. I can guarantee you it's much higher than you think right now.

Regarding your partner: if you want to still be with him, do so, but it would be a red flag for me if I hadn't had sex for months with my BF - especially at 25. Why spin your wheels at your age with someone who isn't setting you on fire with excitement? I'll tell you why: because you're afraid to leave him.

Don't live your life out of fear. Ever. Dive in full-on, take risks, and push yourself to keep growing.

Read this ridiculous book: Why Men Love B*****s - just get it! It's great, it summarizes the idea of being kind, but also prioritizing yourself first.

Read and complete the exercises in this book: The Assertiveness Workbook - a wonderful, scientifically backed-up personal course in being more assertive.

Read this great book: The Defining Decade

Get better at socializing: How to Win Friends and Influence People

In terms of motivational books to figure out what you want to do with your life? Jesus - there's too many good ones out there. Google any list of "top motivational books", "books about planning life" etc. To start - the books Willpower and Grit were useful for me.

Additionally, there's Brene Brown for a softer approach to finding what you're about as a human being. Braving the Wilderness is a great pick - and for something a bit more direct, read Unfu*k Yourself.

This is going to sound nuts, but read all of these. If you play videogames, stop. If you spend too much time on reddit, stop. Read to pass your time now, and keep growing. These books will help you learn to be strong, sexy, and give you control over your life.

First of all, congratulations! And come over to r/babybumps! A lot of questions you might not think to ask are being discussed there already.

The best way to tell your other half is... just tell him! Do it in person, and at a time where the two of you have some time to talk and be together, and do it without setting any sort of expectations or mood. Likely he will be a bit shocked at first, but unless your relationship wasn't meant to be, he will warm up to the idea (maybe even faster than you do, who knows!).

I'm 35 weeks pregnant now... I can tell you that as your pregnancy progresses, things will get more "real" mentally so don't be afraid when you experience some serious mood swings and shifts in your thoughts about the pregnancy. It might not be until your first ultrasound... or it might not be until you look into your baby's eyes for you to feel that rush of motherly love. Even women who got pregnant on purpose (like me) find themselves doubting sometimes. It's all normal.

Prenatal vitamins is a good start. Honestly, visiting an OB this early won't do much good, and in fact they often don't see women until they are at least 12 weeks (because many pregnancies miscarry in those first few weeks). At a 12 week appointment, you might do an ultrasound to confirm your due date (but if you have been charting, you probably already know exactly when you conceived), and you can start asking your OB any questions you have. But until you do the research, you might find that being under the care of a midwife, or giving birth at a birthing center (or at home) is a better fit for you. It won't hurt to see an OB, of course, but OB's are primarily surgeons so they might not give you all the support you need. Regardless, don't rely on any kind of medical caregiver 100%; take charge of your own pregnancy and birth and do the research! Once you do the research, you will be able to decide what type of birthing class is right for you (I highly recommend taking one... I took a Hypnobabies course and was very satisfied with the large amount of information they gave me, and also the confidence I feel as I get closer to my birthing day).

Here are some common book and movie recommendations:

Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Childbirth (she is the leading authority on natural birth)

Your Best Birth (and their film you can find on Netflix, The Business of Being Born)

The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth (good if you like a lot of scientific discussion on birth options)

The Baby Book by Dr. Sears. (I own this book and it makes me feel really good to have it on hand when my baby gets here... so much info!)

Your friend is not wrong, but he's only half right. He's also framing how one deals with the negative aspects of life poorly. One should do their best to minimize the bad in life, or at least its effects. And, when possible, turn allegedly negative things to one's advantage. One should also do their best to maximize the positive aspects. A lot of it has to do with your perspective and what you focus on.

Everyone has to support themselves somehow. If the only available work is something unpleasant or undesirable, focus on what it affords you and put effort toward getting into a line of work you appreciate more. You can't prevent yourself from ever getting sick, but you can do everything in your power to stay healthy. Healthy eating, an active lifestyle, and getting regular medical checkups all have their benefits. If someone assaults you and you are permanently injured, you're going to have to cope with that, yes. But I'm sure any school worth attending will make accommodations for a student who was assaulted presuming they were made aware of the circumstances.

So, yes, you will have to learn how to cope with the bad things. But you also need to learn how to maximize the positive. Work towards a career you enjoy. Build friendships. Chase your dreams. All that. People tend to write off encouragement and positive thinking, and focus on the negative. But life is what you focus on.

If you struggle with this, I have a few recommended reads for you.

• Victor Frankl's "Man's Search For Meaning". He was a holocaust survivor, and he writes about how even if you take everything else away from a person, they still have the freedom to choose how they react to their circumstances. If prisoners in a concentration camp can find ways to be generous and kind to one another and bring joy and love to each other, so can you.
  
  
• Dr. David M. Burns' "Feeling Good". One of the first books written on Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT), it's written in such a way that the reader can apply these therapeutic techniques to their own life. The premise is that our thoughts direct our feelings, and by learning to recognize cognitive distortions and correct our thinking, we can make large headway in dealing with depression. CBT subreddits and posts
  
  
• Seneca "Letters from a Stoic", Epictetus "The Art of Living", Marcus Aurelius "Meditations". Three books by Stoic philosophers. Stoicism was to these ancient Greek and Roman philosophers what CBT is to modern psychologists. These three books contain some of the very best summaries of this school of philosophy. This isn't esoteric, inaccessible philosophy. This is wisdom directly applicable to the very sort of problem you and your friend are dealing with. /r/Stoicism
  
  I know this was an overly long response to your question, but I hope it helps. Learning how to cope well with life is one of the most important things a person can learn. I wish you, and your friend, well.
  
  

Quick notes on rope.

• Climbing rope can be great, but be aware that especially if using thicker rope it can be harder to do safe, comfortable ties; also in an emergency it may be harder to cut. Most of the time (personal opinion) it doesn't look as sexy as --
  
  
• Hemp rope, normally 6 or 8mm, is ultimately the most versatile, sexiest feeling, and tends to be the choice of enthusiasts, and a few cotton and jute ropes are quite nice (avoid the red/black synthetic crap that manufacturers always market as something like 'japanese silk', which is a) slippery, b) ugly and c) not that much cheaper than good rope).
  
  
• If you're doing rope bondage, get yourself a pair of safety shears with a flat edge just in case you ever need them. You'll probably never need them, but imagine if you did and didn't have any! Or actually, don't imagine that, just buy some!
  
  
• The videos that usually get recommended for beginners over on /r/BDSMcommunity are twistedmonk's and they have some excellent basic tips.
  
  
• When trying out ties, start off leaving lots of slack. Better escapable than dangerous: you'll get a feel for rope as you play with it more.
  
  
• Practise on yourself! Try column ties on your legs till you can do them blindfolded.
  
  
• Want to go further and explore shibari? Douglas Kent's book is a great provocative coffee table addition.
  
  A final note, not on rope: when using other bondage materials, please, please, think of safety too. Some examples of safe thinking: handcuffs and irons are rigid, and harder than your body, so keep them loose(ish) and don't apply pressure; gags are great, but they remove one easy layer of communication and consent, so have a system (finger clicking, e.g.) to get around safe words; some things (cable ties, e.g.) are never acceptable, even in extremis: think about the properties of stuff you use.
  
  Just as importantly, have lots of fun! /r/BDSMcommunity is great for any further questions.

>My wife and I have been married for 16 years.This April my wife told me she wasn't sexually attracted to me anymore and all intimacy has stopped. I didn't know how to take this as I am in good shape, better than when we met. I have my hair still, I haven't lost my sense of humor, I still work hard make good money and take care of our kids. I don't drink, smoke, gamble, cheat, blow money, or abuse of any kind. I have tried making life really special for her for the last six months with lots of dates, trips, gifts, compliments, surprises, back scratches(all normal activities for us but i increased the frequency)...etc you name it. None of this seems to be working to help restore her attraction.

None of that creates any sexual desire or attraction, it only provides comfort.

Look, you are doing EVERYTHING the world tells you to do and none of it is working. You are the picture perfect husband, the world says they are attractive and their wives want them but here we are. She dosent and it's getting worse. She wants you even less.

>Here is what I want to know. Has anyone else gone through this and come out with a better marriage, either with therapy or without? I especially want to hear from the wives

This is a problem. You don't ask fish how to catch a fish. You want the wives to answer? How about you ask a man who has turned something like this around.

>reading this so I can better understand. And the second part is, what can I do?

stop trying. You come across as needy and sexually thirsty. It's very unattractive.

>I am in love with this woman and have been since the first day I met her

And yet she cares so little for you a task that takes less than 30 min, is important to You, and feels good is out of the question.

>and although she tells me she loves me too, this cannot continue like this

That's because she dosent love you. Love is when a person's interest and desires match their partners. If she loved you and desired you she would be fucking your brains out. Her desire is to stay married because she wants to maintain her lifestyle

>Any advice or experience please! I can answer any questions as well.

Yes read this book. You might hate some of the stuff in it. It will explain why your wife lost her desire and attraction to you and how it's your fault. The good news is you fucked yourself that means you can unfuck yourself.

https://www.amazon.ca/Married-Man-Life-Primer-2011/dp/1460981731

Linked this like 5 times today. This is a very common problem. I have been on both sides of a deadbedroom.

It could help you to look into conflict resolution techniques. I found a [page] that can give you a good start on the basics. You can read more on certain topics by googling it. Due to how people react differently based on their personalities, it can help you ascertain which approach you may use when tackling issues in regards to your best friend. Think about what you want to say and how to say it. Draw boundaries and though it may seem tempting, try not to antagonize her even if she antagonizes you. Don't go into a confrontation with fuel. Prepare for any reactions she might have based on the guide I linked. Also I enjoyed this useful [book] as it goes indepth and gives examples.

Personally I had a former friend of 8 years who she thought she could say anything to me and treat me rudely because she believed our long friendship was unbreakable - your best friend might be thinking the same way. My former friend was extremely insecure, said very disrespectful things about sensitive topics, and to a point she was narcissistic - she broke my trust in her. I was younger and knew nothing about conflict resolution so I ex-communicated her and our friend group. Though it broke my heart to do so, it's how I felt I needed to protect myself. That was a drastic action I did but I still don't regret it.

In my experiences now, my childhood best friend has at one point said it was weird that I liked BTS (her reservation was that they're collectively younger than us), but that was a very long time ago and hasn't said anything negative since. She cares more about me as a person than my music tastes. Everyone who I'm currently close now as well have the same sentiments and only say nice things about BTS because they know I am a fan. If they say anything negative, it's usually lightly teasing rather than being malicious.

So people who care about you will not try to tear you down and if your friend really respects you and cares for you, she will reconsider her actions should you bring it up to her. If not... well, I think you would already know how she sees you as a person. I hope she will eventually treat you better and consider your feelings more.

It depends on your budget and your personal needs, but the best therapy option is CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). I'm going to throw a ton of info below for you or anyone interested with links throughout. Please DM if you have any more questions!

The very best trained in CBT you can find in Philly is at UPenn, who I have gone to for treatment with great success. They're renowned for their CBT program, you can't go wrong here, though they do not accept insurance, but you may be able to submit for reimbursement.
UPENN CBT: https://www.med.upenn.edu/cct/

However, from my personal experience, I found the greatest relief using Skype therapy. I must emphasize though, NOT through the trendy apps like 'better help' ...but through a private therapist who lives in Australia. It was much cheaper and incredibly effective - I once hit a point in my life where I could not leave the house, gave up driving, and only left bed to eat. I was pretty sure the next step on the list was death...after CBT therapy I've done a complete 180. Other therapists had unfortunately made my condition worse. I can't recommend CBT more if it's coming from the right source - psychologytoday.com will list 'cbt' therapists, but it's not the same or as in depth as a center with CBT as it's main focus.
(Please DM for the personal info of the therapist I used.)

Also, this self help book (clinically proven in double blind studies to help depression), is written by the founder of CBT. It's helped my brother and multiple friends through rough patches and helped to change their thinking before committing to therapy. It's called "Feeling Good, the new mood therapy" by David D Burns.

CBT BOOK: https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy-ebook/dp/B009UW5X4C

Lastly, there is a site available through Australian gov't healthcare program. They're mental health treatment is much more regulated, focusing on CBT methods. There are so many free worksheets tailored to specific concerns. It's an amazing resource and should be required reading for all humans!

CCI: https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself


TL;DR: Click the last two links for inexpensive/free self help resources that are actually legit, and DM me if you have questions. I never had anyone help me or point me where to go and as a result suffered for over 10 yrs. I feel it's my duty to pass on what I've learned!!

I'm a serious introvert myself, so this is a topic of some considerable interest to me. :)

Introversion is not necessarily associated with anxiety, in that the traits are not that highly correlated and lots of introverts are not anxious. However, many people who are both introverted and anxious find that the two are intertwined. When that is the case, then getting better at coping with the anxiety can help you be more flexible in being introverted. There are a million self-help anxiety books, and most of them are pretty good because they are based on cognitive-behavioral principles. Personally, however, I am more intrigued by Acceptance and Commitment Therapy ideas, as described in books like Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life, The Happiness Trap, and The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Anxiety.

While we're on the topic of reading, if you haven't found it already, I'd suggest The Introvert Advantage -- a great book focusing on accepting, accommodating, and even feeling pretty good about your introversion.

Introversion appears to be very genetically-based and resistant to change, so accepting being an introvert will be an important first step. Introversion is not, in and of itself, healthy or unhealthy, although when you are surrounded by extroverts and a culture that values extroversion, it sure can feel like being introverted is unhealthy. IMHO, traits are only a problem when people are inflexible about applying them... that is, when they can only behave one way regardless of the situation. When people are interested in changing who they are, I often suggest, instead, trying to change how flexible they are about how they display the trait they are interested in changing.

To do that, you could think about the situations in which you are less introverted, and trying to figure out what it is about those situations that allow you to be less introverted. For me, I do better in situations that are structured, familiar, and relevant to my interests -- in those types of situations, you literally cannot shut me up. So, I can be more extroverted when I'm with a small group of good friends, or when I'm meeting a new therapy client for the first time (which is structured because I know exactly what I'm going to say), or when I'm commenting on reddit, or even when I'm teaching a large class or giving a talk to a huge audience. In contrast, in a small group of people I do not know well, when meeting a new person socially for the first time, or when doing something spontaneous that would cause a lot of people to pay attention to me (e.g., something terrible like karaoke), I am not able to be extroverted. But, if I wanted to be more extroverted, I could work to make those types of situations more structured, more familiar, or more relevant to my interests. Does that make sense?

Oh, and one more thing -- please join the Neuropsychology Book Club I am trying to start... I'm hoping it will be really interesting, especially for us voracious readers!!

Advance warning: I'm only an anthropology undergrad. I am very near to graduating, though, and looking into advanced degrees and a research career in gender and sexuality. This is my passion.

Looking at the promiscuous (according to Westerners) sexual behavior of egalitarian foragers (which humans were for the majority of our existence), and looking at the behavior of the Bonobo, our nearest living relative, and finally looking at the way that both of us use oxytocin to ease social bonding...

It seems pretty obvious. So that we can have sex whenever we want. It's a good strategy. Sex is an enjoyable act that nearly all humans love. It's relaxing, it's great for forming emotional bonds (note: not necessarily romantic bonds, as most today would know them), and it produces children. It keeps things running smoothly, which is important in an egalitarian society.

Infanticide was pretty common in prehistory. The sheer number of infant remains seriously skews life expectancy data, actually, leading to the myth that prehistoric people didn't live past 30. It's not that these people were horrible, just that they couldn't feed every child they brought into the world. Foraging keeps a pretty hard limit on population growth. They didn't have the means to safely conduct abortions, and many, if not most people didn't grasp the connection between sex and pregnancy. This is understandable for people who are having a lot of sex with multiple people in their <120-ish person band; pregnancy would seem like something that just starts happening once a woman reaches a certain age.

But despite all the infanticide—or perhaps because of it—a child which is chosen to be kept has a very good chance for survival. With no parternity certainty, promiscuous foragers tend to care for all of the band's children; not just their own. They grow up with a great deal of social support. In a group dynamic like this, promiscuity is an advantageous behavior.

There's a great book on human sexuality that I would recommend reading. Not buying, unless you really dig it (I did). Just check it out at the library or flip through it over coffee at Barnes and Noble or something. Or, hell, pirate an ebook if you can find one. It's called Sex At Dawn, and I found it to be a pretty solid interdisciplinary analysis of the research thus far. It's written to the layman—in that it avoids jargon and keeps a playful tone—but it's quite informative, particularly if you follow along with the end notes. They go into much greater detail there. Also of value are the references. I've only just begun going through those.

A lot of books can offer valid practical advice, but AFAIK, there is no one compendium that you have to read. The best thing you can do is develop a mindset consisting of your values regarding interpersonal interaction. Social skills are 80% mindset and 20% taking a plunge and a willingness to try.


Apart from the books I suggested in the other thread, I can only advise you to branch out:

• Many people, among them myself, appreciate ancient stoicism (Epictetus, Marcus Aurelius). Philosophy, ethics in particular, can be highly beneficial, because it forces you to actually think about what your values are supposed to look like.
  
  
• /r/howtonotgiveafuck is modern stoicism and relates to our discussion about how much you should care.The quality varies - I haven't checked it out lately, but it went through excellent and less than stellar phases.
  
  
• It is always useful to understand body language, to avoid sending negative body signals, understand others better and become more expressive. This book is great.
  
  
• /r/getsuave is a subreddit aimed at those who want to build charisma and navigate social situations with elegance. It is concerned with dating and attraction a lot.
  
  
• "How to win friends and influence people" will probably be suggested. It was revolutionary when it came out, but today, it's more of a staple. An interesting read, but not the holy grail. Also less manipulative than the title suggests.
  
  
• Personality psychology, albeit a fuzzy field, might prove useful. It can open your eyes to how different people are, which can lead to a better understanding of yourself and others. MBTI is highly popular, but entirely unscientific - the theory behind it is wobbly and wonky. If you want to take a test, I'd suggest this one, as it cuts down on the theory fluff and aims at incorporating Big5, the most reliable and scientific tool to date.

Throwaway time - yay. I feel so liberated with throwaways.

I can relate to this, went through a similar episode, schooled here, went abroad for uni, had the best 3 damn years of my life, and came back here feeling like I made a mistake coming back.

Also got my license late because of that moving around, so when I did come back I also found it hard to get around to meet friends, barely made it to the office (to a job I stopped liking or learning anything after 3 months). And also found it hard to reconnect with old friends as people mostly seem like here, out of sight, out of mind kind of nature. Saying no initially eventually meant you're forgotten. Can't blame them, gone for 3 years, back, and saying no to going out. Yeah I wouldn't talk to me either. But I also would never ever trade those 3 years abroad for doing them here, not only was it kick-ass awesome, it also taught me theres an entire planet and world out there.

Well that was 3 years ago, I've now changed jobs 3 times, started a company and closed it, on my 3rd job, got my license (obv), car that I like, etc.

Things can get better.

Here's the truth: there are 3 cornerstones in your life:

1. Your job
   
   
2. Your house (or apartment)
   
   
3. Your relationships
   
   If you have those things in order, you can afford to take almost any "risk" you want.
   
   What got me through is this:
   
   

• Always be pursuing your passion. Every year my passion and focus is a little different but in the same field, infact I realize its simply a career progression in a field that does not have clear 1-2-3 steps.
  
  So love what you do. If you don't, whatever you do, be the best at it. Or better yet, pursue what you love. Your career and job will lead your life, so make sure you absolutely have that one down right, otherwise your home and relationships will suffer.
  
  
• Read. Read great blogs or books that focus on self-growth. The human brain develops its final phase of its personality in your 20's. By the time you hit early 30's your personality and future is completely directed by how you grow and what you do in these 20's. It's also very normal that people in their 20's to get so confused or lost specially getting out of grades and a clear track life of school to suddenly the work force where nothing is straight forward or graded. My personal recommendations are James Clear website, I could lose myself for hours reading his stuff, go to his best articles section. A simple good read is this article. There's also this book, and finally just sign up for the mailing list of this website, I know this site looks spammy as hell but trust me its got some solid content thats specifically relevant to people like you (and me).
  
  
• If you live with family after living alone for a while, you probably want the get the furthest away as possible from them. If you can, find a way to live alone again. This might be tougher to do though depending on your family, and it might be one of those things you just have to haul it along.
  
  
• Manage or clear your debts. There are many strategies out there, I like the clear the smallest debts first approach. Have a wants and needs list, wants make you poorer, needs (including investments) make your richer.
  
  I'm personally already drawing up my escape plan. Planning to move abroad for work in about a year once I settle stuff here and gain the right experience I need to do that. Let me know if you want me to share it.

Honestly, I think independence > travel. Tons of AA folks I know that live with their grandparents/parents in their 20s do all the whatnot sassy traveling, which is cool and all, but they never really get that "breathe of fresh air" type-of-freedom as an emerging- and young adult.

Travel is only temporary/circumstantial and does not override 'earned autonomy', particularly if you lacked a 'secure base' and was bestowed a 'disorganized attachment' with parents. I mean if such is not the case, temporarily living or prolonging your stay with parents (caregiving) isn't entirely out of the pricture - we as humans aim to seek close proximity with family and our back-then so-called 'tribes'. However, the issue stems when we don't have appropriate 'boundaries' and respective from parents/that were once our caregivers to allow us to seek our own independence.

Like, if you want us to follow filial piety and all that shit, I don't think that means instilling/indoctrinating dependence in your children, at least give us some time to be independence and hone our talents (if you even care to acknowledge) in a manner where we can contribute to society/civilization - which hopefully we'll be rewarded handsomely to wake up everyday and enjoy life, to hopefully then be emotionally and financially empowered to take care of y'alls. But obviously, I suspect as with my narrative, comes with intra- and inter-generational transmission of trauma - where healthy, positive, and uninhibited motivation, does not get procured and passed on by parents despite how well-meaning they are.

But if them folks keep nagging their children, they very might as well cause their kid to float around with guilt-striken feelings of self-worthlessness and induce potentiality of suicide - or even I suppose in Japan's social epidemic given this innovative information-era; Japanese herbivore "men". And it doesn't sound like a pretty sight for Japanese elder/retirees nowadays either with the diminishing birth and marriage rates. In such interconnected global economic uncertainty, and such saturation demolishing the systematic factory-model/corporate hierarchical thinking, is becoming ever-increasingly something of the past. And tomorrow's world that is increasingly becoming today's reality invokes us to be evermore on our self-awareness, self-understanding, and self-knowledge, to procure collective intellectual and social savvy to collaboration in unison in innovative thinking that will paradigmatically shift us to the next economic revolution - just as the industrial age had expedited mankind to exponentially higher heights.

Two examples that I'm sure others can chime in to provide a better analysis: 1) Singapore has, not a bamboo ceiling, but a creative ceiling that stifles their innovation-enpowered technology sector, for which they are earnestly trying to change - with the government leading university partnerships abroad while partitioning for whatnot innovation campaigns. 2) And with the aforementioned Japan, despite their militant-orderly-society, their superior ways of everything-excellence is coming to a crushing defeat as globalization catches up with cheaper solutions (re China/Korea/Taiwan), just as more innovative solutions supersedes their longstanding industrial superiority this century ahead.

IDK about y'all but I subscribe to taking–as many fucking–risks when you can, as you can, which is as early as you can - if not now, when? To which, I would recommend y'alls to check out Meg Jay's book, "The Defining Decade". There is no other time to fail and forge 'weak ties' and gain independence other than your early 20s; it will shape who you are come in later parts/times in your life. If you are young right now, the steppingstone is right now. However, if you want to continue the family lineage with conservative values by Asian parents, then I suppose such investigation is moot, as adhering to Confucianism pedagogical doctrines would take you astray.

Almost everything here is great advice, so much so that I'm probably going to send my wife a copy of this thread so she can finally 'get it.' Just my two cents on the topic as well:

As you can probably guess, I'm introverted, my wife of eleven years is an extrovert. She's a talker. Loves to talk to people, anyone. At length. She wouldn't know concise if it landed on her head and crapped in her hair. (She's also very (ugh) touchy-feely. Still love her, though.)

She's had many of the same complaints that you're expressing in your post: Physical contact (like holding hands, little touches out in public, PDA's, etc) and communication (or the lack thereof, in her opinion). I tell her the same thing, everytime:

---
I'm just not geared the same way you are.

It's not that I don't like social situations, it's just that they are mentally and physically draining for me. Small talk sucks. Especially if I don't know anyone there, those are the worst. Having a few 'go-to' friends around helps. Making sure there is someplace I can retreat off to, even if it's just a chair in the corner, to recover a bit, helps. Understanding if I tell you I need a break for 5-10 minutes to recharge the batteries, and noticing if I do need to take a break (body language and if I'm getting cranky), helps. Please don't get mad at me when I do these things, it's just what I need.

Conversation-wise, I'm not a big talker, unless I'm with close friends or family. Even then, I tend to only say what I think is needed. I'm not big on small talk; I'm fine with silence, I don't need to fill every space in a conversation with, IMHO, unnecessary noise. That being said, please don't take my silence for being cold, or distant, or me ignoring you. I choose my words carefully, and unfortunately that takes a few moments in my head. If you're asking a question, please give me time to contemplate my answer. It's important, because I value your understanding.

I absolutely need me time, with no one else around a lot so I can enjoy some of the things I love doing and clear the clutter and the noise and all the flotsam and jetsam of sound and light that accumulates in my head; it brings me clarity and peace, and allows me to feel so much better. Please don't be offended if I ask for time alone, or if I shoo you away when I'm in the middle of one of my solitary tasks; instead, support me with understanding. I need time to myself just as much as you need time out being social. Support me and who I am, and you will discover yourself receiving more than you give in return.

---
I think the biggest thing is understanding. He's probably got similar complaints about the strange 'crazy extroverted woman' that he's going out with, and trying to figure you out as well.

This last year, I read a couple of good books that helped me understand my own introversion better:

The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World, and
Introvert Power: Why Your Inner Life Is Your Hidden Strength. I found them at my local library, just linked them to Amazon for pictures. They definitely gave me a deeper understanding of why I am how I am, and much better knowing that there were a lot of people just like me. If you can find one or the other, give it a skim, or even sit down and read it through with him. Might just help.

[Edit: Just found my copy of The Introvert Advantage here. I'm done with it, and would be happy to throw it in the mail to you. Just have to promise to pass it on to anyone else here in /r/introvert when you're done.]

Charisma, you need someone with charisma to lead the American people into true freedom from the bread and circuses that they are distracted with. That will wake them up! (yep, that's sarcasm)

Here comes the red pill, follow ALL the links my little monkeys!

We are being manipulated by very smart people who run corporations that OWN us. Facebook sells product (people) to their customers (advertisers) and we're happy with it as long as we can push the 'like' button and get a treat with the flashing lights; it's because we are social monkeys. It's our nature. And nature is not cruel, nature is not kind, nature just is.

Over a historical context (and I'm talking out my ass here, no professional certifications at all) most people are simply content if they are able to just do what they are programed by their DNA to do, propagate the species. Our evolution, our genes, just wants to pass on the next generation, and hopefully it is successful. We do everything around this. Some are quite a bit more successful than others. The concept of free will is nice, and the more educated and informed among us can choose to not follow our base urges, but even they still seem to do completely irrational behavior, even if they are educated.

Humans like to fuck, eat and sleep, just like every other animal on the planet, everything else is manufactured. I love cool toys, glad we have them, but they are just toys to play with. You threaten my family, I'm now a raging asshole. Ingroup/outgroup dynamics at it's basest. So you want to motivate people? Get 'em scared, FAUX NEWS has been doing a bang up job. We got 8 years of a puppet president who was run by a bunch of evil Neocons, nice world we have here now. And the previous presidents were not much better either.

While the information and transparency of the internet is a game changer, (and I have more hope for us as a species because of it) the reality of how we act and why was pretty much summed up by the recent book, Sex at Dawn. If you actually take the time to read it, it explains that we shifted ~10,000 years ago from a matriarchal hunter gatherer society into a patriarchal culture with agriculture and property (including ownership of women and propagation), but the problem is our evolutionary design really doesn't work that way and we can't change that fast. So we can't effectively function if we are in groups larger than 150.

If we ever do get smart enough to get ourselves off of this singular point of failure and out into other places in the solar system, we may have some hope; and like Reddit, I love me some NGT speaking on reality myself, the universe is AWESOME, but I have a feeling that George Carlin was right. Miss that brilliant man.

Now I'm going to go back to my corner and continue watching my bread and circuses, NASCAR! Love me some vroom vroom.

While I'll still throw away my vote for a third party every single time I pull that lever; and I have every time I can, using my own education and investigation into the candidates because most of them lie, because I care; I'm also realistic. People don't fucking care as long as they can fuck, eat and sleep; when they can't, they do something about it, and we're not out of cheap govt subsidized oil and corn syrup yet.

The more you learn, the more you realize the less you actually know.

Specifically that some people are fucked in life because others are true assholes.

"Sunlight is said to be the best of disinfectants; electric light the most efficient policeman." Louis Dembitz Brandeis in 1913.

This is going to get buried under the shitload of answers you are getting, but I hope you see this, or that it'll at least help someone else.

I've had this problem for a few months now : even hanging out with friends, I was losing the capacity of having a conversation. I started talking more and more about me, and the more I talked, the more I felt like a douche. So I took steps.
First, I started asking more questions about the stories people were telling, refraining myself to tell my side of the story, my view of the story, or just my story ('cause this behavior sucks ass). For a while, it was getting better, but it didn't feel natural.

After an evening at a friend's place, where we had a closeup magician doing a show, I realized that it was not only about what I was saying, it was about what I was thinking that made me feel like a douche. This guy, this magician, was so charming, so fucking captivating. It was my first time experiencing closeup magic, and I was just sold. After the show, I went and asked him how he was doing it. Not the magic tricks, but the social tricks. He told me that he read lots of books, and that basically, he was convincing himself before each show, to be who he needed to be. He was acting, he was playing a fucking nice guy who didn't give two shits about himself but only cared about others. And it caught on, became more natural. He mastered this skill, and went from doing magic shows all around the world (even Vegas) to giving conferences to leaders on how to be better managers.

After reading some of those books, and doing a bit of research, I understood what he was saying : Fake it until you make it. I actually discovered through some TED talks (amazing stuff) that you can fake it until you become it.

From my point of view, there's a couple of skills to master to become a good conversationalist. Body language is very important : to understand the body language of others to better adapt yours and be seen as non-threatening. You have to understand the science of influence, and how humans react to interactions with others. And to become a master at it : you have to be sincere. You can't fake honesty 100%. Somewhere along the way, your body language will screw you, or you'll slip and people will understand that you are faking it. That is why you have to become a character who doesn't fake it.

Here is the list of the books and videos I read/watched about those skills. Some where recommended on Reddit, others I just found them. The books are sorted by most important in my opinion. And even if I bought them (thrift or not), you can still find all of them online.

• Videos
  
• TED Talk : Body language and the power of the hands
  
• TED Talk : Fake until you become it
  
• TED Talk : How to manage your stress (when talking in public)
  
• TED Talk : How to speak so people will want to listen
  
• The Science of Influence
  
• Books
  
  
• How to Win Friends and Influence People - Dale Carnegie
  
• What Every BODY Is Saying - An ex FBI agent's guide to speed reading people - Joe Navarro
  
• Influence : Science and Practice - Robert Cialdini
  
• It's Not All About "Me": The Top Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone - Robin Dreeke
  
• Yes!, 50 Scientifically Proven Ways to Be Persuasive - Noah Goldstein, Steve Martin, Robert Cialdini
  
  
• Phil Hellumth Presents Read Em and Reap - Joe Navarro, Marvin Karlins, Hellmuth Phil
  
• The Definitive Book of Body Language - Barbara Pease, Allan Pease
  
  Hope it helps.

I know where you're coming from here. I'm HL, (my guys is maybe he's LL-ML perhaps actually) but we haven't been intimate in god I don't know.. months? maybe over a year at this point. And that's typical... months if not years between attempts. Some weird pattern of complacency. Like... it's not going to get better if you never try but what you going to do.

Something broke somewhere and we haven't been abel to fix it. It was my first 'proper' relationship and his second, so that has a real big part to play in it too I think. And I've certainly tried to fix it - I lost weight, found loads of stuff online, books from here etc Sadly he found the books 'crass' so that wasn't helpful - but - I've collected loads of tips and guides and things to try and figure out how to fix things. HAsn't helped though... there is a gear to this and we've definitely both fallen out of it. We'd periodically talk about it - I'd always initiate these and he'd say that he agreed completely, that "things would change" and then nothing ever does of course.

And I say similar to you because he spends all his free time with a headset playing games (he's literally sitting next to me right now doing this), chatting to other people... awake till 4am online and mouthing me a "goodnight" while shooting some guy on Rust while I go to bed alone. I am pretty certain he 'takes care of himself' after I've goner to bed too... and really that sort of does its own damage. Not gonna lie, I do the same thing myself now... and that's the weird pattern we've fallen into. We're affectionate and caring don't get me wrong, but there's a giant black hole where physical intimacy should be and that is so so damaging. It's like our relationship is quietly eroding from the core and no amount of hugs will fix that >_>

Our issues likely like in several places - but one of them is the mismatch between how you get in the mood and how he does. Like you I prefer some sort of build up - it would be nice if we spent time doing something together for example - and like your guy, my guy just sort of occasionally jumps on me all guns blazing and expects instant reciprocation. And by instant I mean if I don't want him inside me after 2 minutes of a back massage "I don't find him attractive" which isn't true but he's 28 now - and teaching him foreplay is a legitimate thing is proving surprisingly difficult. I guess that's both the cause of and the result of 5 years of nothing and porn ironically (like I said, we were both new to this whole Relationship thing when we started). Deadly spiral, don't do that.

Anyway... gosh intimate ranting, the worst kind of ranting... sorry!

So, told, my guy does tech - right. He plays all hours, he spends more time chatting with online people than me, more time with them than me by a long long margin. I get it... and I imagine it's a replacement pure and simple. A distraction. And, like you, I've had enough, too. So... we have a choice here. We have identified we are unhappy - that's step one, and it's important. And very very likely we're not alone - our partners are also not happy. So we have two, well actually three options.

• fix it
  
• don't fix it, continue as before
  
• leave
  
  Having established you're in the "fix it" camp you really need to talk to him. Honestly and completely about what you just told us. Because sure you may have had these conversations before but that didn't change anything so you need to have another. And it needs to do something different, because last time didn't work.
  
  In my case I had the latest one of these about a week ago. I laid out everything (again) and he quietly agreed with everything (again). Key thing. Realism.
  
  In one way or other I said this: "look we need to fix this because we're both unhappy and I don't want my future to be like this. I can't imagine a future like this". He agreed (he felt the same too.) "nothing we tried before has worked" he also agreed. He said he was afraid of trying and failing - because failing would mean it couldn't be fixed and that scared him. Part of the inactivity and complacency was actually procrastination. The outcome: we need to go to a councillor. All the reddit archer advice and internet help and chats have done not one thing. I don't know where to go from here, I just don't - so we need to run this by somebody who does. He did actually agree to doing this in the new year. I'm not entirely convinced - like the promised dates and time spent together it's likely to be forgotten I should think. But it's worth trying.
  
  Time is a precious thing. It's a finite thing. You either spend time fixing it or you call it quits and find somebody who makes you happy. Ideally you fix things, of course, and marriage counsellors exist for a reason. But it's worth looking at it like that - and mentioning to him that things are this serious - because they really are. Something fixable now might not be fixable couple of years down the line. Take if from somebody 6 years down the line more time does not solve anything (only perpetuates it) - but only actions will change things.
  
  Two books I found helpful you may also find useful.
  
  Come as You Are: the surprising new science that will transform your sex life - I am reading this atm, though this sub I think - and it's really really interesting. From what you've said I think you would find it really insightful too and highly recommend it.
  
  The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts - this might be useful for you too - you can find summaries online that tell you the basics though. This is such an important thing - and might be a useful way into the deeper conversation you need to have.
  
  EDIT
  
  You mentioned feeling resentment about rejection and I totally see that. Rejection cuts both ways - and does its own sort of damage. Time only deepens those wounds, so be careful of that. What this boils down to though is that you both need to be putting 100% into fixing things. This isn't some "you need to do this so he will do that" stuff. That just causes resentment - you feel you've been hurt and are still expecting to put your heart on the line again - and I imagine that's how he feels too. This is your relationship which is the combination of you both. You can't fix it with imbalance - imbalance is what broke it. You need to get off the ride (communicate openly) and restart it (councillor for example) and both go back into it together. Spend time together (for your side of things) and intimate time (for his side of things). even if it doesn't end... completely... if you see what I mean - sometimes these things need ramping up and the intimacy you both need should be built gradually. I'm almost looking at it as trying to see it as a new relationship - because those are the sort of things you're rebuilding.
  
  
  
  

I’m not going to judge you. There’s something judge Judy says: Beauty fades. Dumb is forever. Not calling you dumb, but I hope you are gaining some intellectual capital (in school or something) so that you can bounce back when this ends, because ...trust me...it will...and not likely in your favor.

There’s a book called “the defining decade” The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now https://www.amazon.com/dp/0446561754/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_tai_WNSKDb6G43MZ6

It is totally worth the 10$. I was in a similar (but not identical) situation. This book encouraged me to step out, go to grad school, and the rest is history.

Please, build something for yourself (heck, become a gay escort, a male stripper, or a model, if you plan to rely on your looks)...so that you have something to fall back on when this ends. It bears repeating. It will end...and most likely not in your favour. Much love.

EDIT: if this man and his friends are good people, they might be interested in mentoring you professionally. Can you at least gain some long term professional (eventual long term financial) benefit from this arrangement? You might need to ask creatively...and probably not of him initially if you don’t want to do additional acts. Perhaps one of his friends is in real estate and ...I’ll stop being officious. Good luck.

I'm 17 weeks with my first, so I don't have personal experience to draw from yet - but I'm going for it with as much preparation as possible. I'm an over-preparer. :D

We're going with CNMs (certified nurse-midwives) at a birth center. Because it's an out-of-hospital birth with hospital transfer for emergencies, there's very few interventions available for normal births. Throughout even the first trimester they've heavily stressed preparation. Here are some things they've emphasized:

1. Staying active. "Labor is like a marathon - it's important to have stamina, strength, and good aerobic capacity." They advised me to exercise most days for at least 30 minutes, especially walking or jogging and swimming. I suck at aerobic activity, but I've been doing my best to keep up with it. I'm also doing deep squats (weighted and unweighted) to keep my legs and pelvic floor in shape.
   
   
2. Keeping tabs on the recommended weight gain. I don't actually put a ton of stock in BMI because it doesn't take into account your composition (I was lifting heavy beforehand and had built up some decent muscle), but it seems like a decent tool here - the USDA has a good set of charts for weight gain based on BMI.
   
   
3. Taking classes. Our CNMs recommended Bradley (partner coached childbirth). I don't know exactly how helpful it will be, but at least we'll get to connect with other like-minded moms and dads to be.
   
   
4. Reading up. I've really liked Ina May Gaskin's book. She provides so many personal experience stories, which really helps to put me in the frame of mind that not only is it possible, but the experience can be beautiful and transforming... and that approach seems comforting. Her approach is heavily biased against "needless" hospital practices, so you can take it with a grain of salt if you like. For more personal stories, there's also her older book Spiritual Midwifery.

TL;DR: RUN, don't walk, away from this man.


The issue that you need to focus on is not about tantra, it is not about non-monogamy. It is about you needing to be in an emotionally and physically safe relationship that supports your growth.


This guy is an asshole. The sexual issues and his active alcoholism are ways for him to string you along into helping him. Yes, his mother died, and that's a terrible thing, but it is not your cross to bear. Especially with all of this coworker bullshit going on.


He doesn't sound like he's able to be in a healthy non-monogamous relationship, given his lack of communication with you about "wanting snuggles" before telling you this other woman was coming over. That was also pretty mean of him to do to you.


Rule #1 with non-monogamy is to communicate. Rule #2 is to respect your partner. He's doing neither of those things.


He needs therapy, not non-monogamy, and not certainly not tantric sex with you.


Re: developing a tantric practice with someone you're in a non-monogamous relationship with? I'm not sure what the answer to that would be, however if it is possible, the relationship must be healthy and safe.


That's not at all what's happening here. Tantric sex will put you in a more emotionally vulnerable position with him. You will be on the hook for more of his toxic bullshit. He will be able to manipulate you more than he's doing now.


Given what you've written about what's happening now, neither tantra nor non-monogamy sound emotionally safe and I think it would lead to damaging yourself emotionally if you were to do so.


I know you want to help him, and that you're in love with him, however you need to focus on being good to yourself. You deserve to be with someone who loves, respects and communicates with you. This guy is not at all that. He's a spineless asshole who's trying to manipulate you.


Get yourself the support you need to untangle yourself from this relationship so you can move forward in creating a beautiful life for yourself.



YOU DO NOT DESERVE SOMEONE WHO TREATS YOU LIKE THIS



Want more info?:
Check out r/nonmonogamy



Read: The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love by Janet Hardy & Dossie Easton. It's an excellent guide for navigating relationships of all kinds.

edit: formatting

Use your imagination!

But seriously, there are tonnes of ideas you can get from porn or from searching around. Once you start thinking kinky, the dollar store can be a treasure trove of pervertables.

I'm not sure about swimsuits and latex, but if you're into the same tight feeling of mummification with plastic you can buy rolls of plastic wrap. Check out pallet wrap as well.

Scarves can be found for very cheap and make for great restraints or blindfolds.

Good quality rope is a bit more expensive, but worth it. Research your rope beforehand:

• Hemp and jute are the "classic" tan-coloured rope you see in most bondage shoots for good reason: it's solid, doesn't stretch much, and holds a knot really well while not being impossible to untie. Good for all levels.
  
  
• Cotton rope can be comfortable for light bondage, but it stretches, making some knots very difficult to get undone if struggled against. Good for begining and very light bondage.
  
  
• MFP (Multi-filament-polypropylene) is comfortable like cotton but holds its' shape like hemp or jute. It's a good beginning material, but more expensive.
  
  
• Polypropylene rope (the kind you might find on a dock) is very uncomfortable, painful, and difficult to undo knots (this stuff: http://www.dingocroft.co.uk/acatalog/ropeyelow6m.jpg ). Do not use (unless you're a sadistic bastard)
  
  For rope bondage, here is an excellent introduction pdf: http://www.kinkfriendly.org/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/kinkfriendly_org_rope_101_compressed.pdf
  
  Here are some other valuable rope/bondage resources:
  
  
• Two Knotty Boys - http://www.knottyboys.com/code/downloads.php - Hundreds of instructional videos for rope bondage
  
  
• The Better Built Bondage Book - http://www.tbbbb.com/ - Do It Yourself guide to bondage furniture and accessories; a fantastic book
  
  
• Complete Shibari Volume 1 - http://www.amazon.com/Complete-Shibari-Volume-1-Land/dp/0973668814/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_y - Japanese-style rope bondage instructional book.
  
  
• Complete Shibari Volume 2 - http://www.amazon.com/Complete-Shibari-Volume-2-Sky/dp/0973668822 - Volume 2 of the above, with suspensions
  
  Hope that helps!
  
  EDIT: Formatting.

You should be more specific about what you're hoping to learn. There are thousands of resources out there in regards to entrepreneurship, marketing, website development & eCommerce. You could find pretty much anything you want if you phrase it correctly.

Example Searches

• How to setup Facebook ads
  
• How to start a business under $1,000
  
• Growth hacking (tips and tricks on growing your business fast)
  
• How to build a wordpress website + top wordpress plugins
  
• How to create a landing page
  
• Best community bulletin board software
  
• How to build a Facebook group
  
• How to create YouTube videos
  
  ​
  
  You can just keep going from there.
  
  The basics of what you'll need, assuming you know nothing (which I doubt) would be this.
  
  
• How to build a website (wordpress, html, Wix, Squarespace, .etc)
  
• How to build an audience (paid + organic, FB + Google + Instagram + Pinterest + YouTube + Reddit)
  
  Everything else you just figure out along the way based on how you want to monetize your audience and quite honestly, no book is going to help you figure that out.
  
  You'll learn a lot more just hanging out on Reddit and watching YouTube videos on the subject matter that's next on your checklist. Books are almost purely inspirational at this point and I think we can agree there are plenty of Podcasts that will help you find inspiration (and skill), such as The Top (Nathan Latka) or Mixergy
  
  If you study hustlers you'll get all the information and inspiration you could ever hope for. Read or watch anything from Noah Kagan (AppSumo). No one does it better than him. Ryan Holiday (not an affiliate link) is another favorite of mine. There are also some older Tim Ferriss articles that really talk about how you approach certain businesses.
  
  Like I said, man. It's all out there. You don't need to pay $1 for information, you just have to know what to look for and if you listen to a few podcasts or read a few beginner articles you'll figure out pretty quickly the steps you need to take next.
  
  ​
  
  Some Books I Like (no affiliate links)
  
  
• The Obstacle Is The Way: Ryan Holiday
  
• Extraordinary Popular Delusions And The Madness of Crowds: Charles Mackay
  
• Secrets Of A Master Closer: Mike Kaplan
  
• Hooked: Nir Eyal
  
• The Art Of Learning: Josh Waitzken
  
• The 4 Hour Workweek: Tim Ferriss (Maybe the best entrepreneur book of all time)
  
• Pitch Anything: Oren Klaff
  
• The Gambler: William C. Rempel
  
• and of course...How To Win Friends & Influence People: Dale Carnegie (everyone MUST read this book)

Hey!

Ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term that includes any activities where all parties involved know about the outside relationships and agree to participate. So if I am into another man, both my husband know about the guy and the guy is aware that I am married. It includes everything from swinging (sex, no emotions, typically done as a couple) to polyamory (literally "multiple loves" and can include multiple loving relationships) and a bunch of other dynamics.

Us? We allow for the "spark." You know how you meet somebody at random and you feel a connection with them? A spark? Like for some reason, at a crowded bar or gym or library, you spark with that one random stranger? That. That is our ethical non-monogamy. When that happens, we go to our spouse and let them know we felt that with somebody else. We talk it out. We are excited for each other and encourage each other.

We personally don't seek out other relationships; no dating profile or swing clubs here. We simply enjoy our loving and healthy marriage and if we feel a connection with another, we are free to explore why that person has been brought in our path. Maybe they are meant to be a friend, or teach us a lesson. Maybe they are to be the greatest fuck of our lives. Maybe we could love them. We don't want to spend our lives wondering "what if." We have found some love, some lust, some heartache, some heartbreak, but overall, it has been an incredibly positive experience.

This requires gobs of honest communication, so you'd be a natural at that end of it.

Both my husband and I have realized, after time and practice and mistakes, that neither of us are interested in sex without loving emotions. We just aren't into unemotional sex. Can we have a couple drinks and find a beautiful chick to give my husband a two girl BJ with me in a nightclub bathroom stall? Sure. But sexual relationships with a consistent partner requires actually caring about that person as a potential member of our family. The emotions never go away. You get concerned, jealous, elated, frustrated, etc. It is all in learning how to deal with those emotions. I guess, at the end of the day, if my husband all of a sudden fell in love with another woman and didn't want anything to do with me anymore, well, I don't want a relationship with that man anyway. That is not the man I married.

Some can have sex without emotions. The questions is can you guys? To thine own self be true.

https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379

https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X/ref=pd_sim_14_1?ie=UTF8&dpID=41V-zAQaZbL&dpSrc=sims&preST=_AC_UL320_SR208%2C320_&psc=1&refRID=BNXW54MZ79NJYTRHTGWV

https://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two-Practical-Polyamory/dp/0991399706/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_3?ie=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=RZ5Q4XCC0W2J9E9CA237

Be warned, this will be very long, however i wanted to share my experiences up to this point and some ideas on what you could do. I hope this does help you, and anyone else whom is reading.

Definitely join clubs. you may want to look into Student Government since it's a great way to meat people and get involved with your school. Also, if you have a Student Center, hang out there often. If you're commuting, make sure you get to school probably an hour or two early. Also, perhaps a Cafe would be a good idea as well. One issue that I have is that there isn't a whole lot of recreational clubs in College, or Community college for that matter. Find something that can pertain to your field. Aside from College, when i'm usually at Comic Con's, I will see advertisements for a few groups that meet up occasionally. You may also want to try the whole Speed dating thing I mentioned earlier that is usually held at Comic Con... just be warned there will be a few interesting characters however.

You may also want to check in with any Mom and pop cafe's if you have any near you. They may host events. There's one down the street from where I live that does a Chess night which i'm interested in. You're also going to need to set goals. My goal for now is to try to get a girlfriend before my 20th Birthday, and that's only 6 months away, but it will hopefully motivate myself to work very very hard. People say that the moment you "stop caring" or "stop trying" is the moment you find a girlfriend. Even though I have no experience with women beyond asking them out and being rejected unfortunately, you do have to try. What's helped me is to think of dating as if you would look for a job. You can't put all your eggs in one basket. You can't focus on only one employer to hire you, as much as you can't focus on only one girl to go out with you. Dating is very much so a numbers game. Luck does seem to play a part.

I've gone from shaking like crazy at the thought of talking to a girl, I always rationalized myself out of approaching women. I trained myself to be a bit more "brave" I guess you could call it. At first i just started complimenting girls weather it be customers at my job, peers, anyone, and at first i was extremely nervous with that whole idea. I even tried rationalizing not to even tell a girl that I like her eyes, or her hair, or her clothes, but eventually I got myself to a point where I don't feel excruciatingly nervous when talking to a girl. I still feel awkward at times when I give out a compliment, but I usually leave with some feelings of satisfaction. Another thing I really started doing is cold approaching. Now instead of just complimenting someone, I tried to strike up a conversation.

Now it didn't go too bad, but it didn't end great but I feel as though it did prepare me for other things in some level. Over the last year and a half, or even perhaps the last 4 years, I've asked out over 30 girls. None of which were interested in me, many of which rejected me on the spot, others which led me on and used me quite a lot. One thing you should be aware of is that, you're not going to leave this unscathed. You're going to have some baggage accumulated over the years, and you're going to be fighting a lot to not feel burnt out, to not become bitter, to not become resentful. It's going to be hard work trying to stay positive, especially when it's a lot easier to give the world the middle finger and sit in front of your computer, but I hope for your sake, and mine that we'll get out of this hell of which we call Forever alone and I fucking hope this will be all worth it.

EDIT: You may also want to look at these resources as they have helped me to a degree:

Books:

No More MR Nice guy

How to win friends and influence people

Websites/Blogs:

Shakedown Lab

Nick Notas

Youtube:

Stephan Erdman; Dating Coach

Simple Pickup

I've been struggling with opiate addiction for over a decade. I've done NA, seen therapists, worked inpatient programs, and read a ton of books on the subject. If you truly want to stop (and it sounds like you do) it is possible for you to do so, but it will take dedication on your part. There are no simple solutions in most cases like these.

First, there is nothing to be ashamed of. You are not a weak, stupid, or a bad person. Addiction doesn't arise because you made the mistake of taking too many pills. You just happened to be unfortunate enough to come across a narcotic or form of behavior that alleviates some degree of unresolved, persistent antagonism/stress in you life (this is the real disease, the drug use is the symptom). And since these drugs are plentiful, or you were bound to have a tooth pulled at some point, don't fault yourself for using. It was bound to happen and from the sound of it, like so so many other people out there, it seems you're prone to addictive behavior.

Everyone thinks their too smart, too special, or just too much of a bad ass for this to happen to them. I thought that way and I've met hundreds of other addicts who thought the same. The irony here isn't that everyone who thinks they're special is actually sadly cliche (though true), it's that you're likely special in some other way that you haven't quite realized. Most of the hardcore addicts I've met fall into two categories, abused or underused i.e.;they've been the victims of an abusive childhood or they're people with high degrees of unknown and unfulfilled potential.

Considering you've done one of the bravest things possible for an early user such as yourself--admitting you have a problem--I'm gonna say you're likely in the second category. You've already shown your character in a very positive light. Be proud of yourself, and more importantly, be kind to yourself. We all make mistakes on this journey, but so far you're off to an early and promising start, if you maintain your resolve.

The first trick for someone like you is going to be to stop using, completely. In the short term, you've received some great advice, eat non-fatty foods, exercise as much as you can, get rid of your stash, etc.. You're already through the worst of your withdraw. You're a light user and shouldn't feel any discomfort after 3 to 5 days. But understand this, what you felt wasn't even the tip of the iceberg when it comes to withdraw. The discomfort, sleeplessness, and despair you felt can be a hundred times worse (and lasting up to two weeks) for a pill popper after just a year. Remember, it's not always about how much you use, but how long as well. And I won't even bother to describe the misery of IV use, as you seem like a smart kid, you can do the math.

Long term, you're real difficulty is probably going to be in finding a support network to help you stay the fuck away from opiates. Because though they may mean well, parents and friends usually aren't up to the challenge. Even if they want to, they often just can't understand why you feel compelled to use. The best people to consult are either other addicts in recovery or professionals, either of which hopefully works in tandem with the love and support of your friends and family.

NA is a great place to start for most people humble enough to admit they have a problem, but I can't stress the need to find the right group more. So if you go this route, go to as many different meeting as possible, on different nights and at different places so you find folks you're comfortable with. I used to think NA was just a bunch of Bible thumping ex cons and I couldn't have been more wrong. Stay away from Narcanon though, they're sponsored by Scientology. You're better off staying on the pills in that case. ;-)

If you're too shy for NA or just can't find the right group, look into specialized addiction therapists. But generally steer clear of anyone working directly with the criminal justice system, you're not a criminal, so don't let anyone treat you like one.

If you're not ready to share your problem with anyone face to face quite yet (just don't make the mistake I did and wait years to do so), pick up some books about addiction to help clear up all the bad information you've been indoctrinated with on the topic, as I assume you grew up here in the States. My personal favorite is Dr. Gabor Mate's In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts.

Beyond that, you're also welcome to message me if you have any specific questions. I've been exactly where you are today, so I truly feel for your predicament. If I can be of any assistance, please don't hesitate to ask.

Well, not every society was patrilineal, just most were. There have been numerous matrilineal societies, too, particularly in certain regions, and many others that have been, for lack of a better term, "mixed" (e.g., things not really passing down lines, but just to the community). Prior to either system, hunter-gatherer societies appear to have been largely egalitarian, probably thanks in part to their small size and loose concept of property ownership.

I've read a fair number of books that touch on the topics you're mentioning here, but I don't know that I've come across one that sufficiently explains why men were the main oppressors upon the dawn of agriculture. My best guess would be that it is easier for (most) men to control (most) women, simply due to size differences, and that ongoing control overtime creates entire systems of control (the same way it does with race). Add in the incentives of wealth and power that came with agriculture, and those who would want the power and have access to it would have had, perhaps in their minds, very good reason to literally lord over others. That's just a guess, though.

If you're really interested in these concepts, there are two books you might enjoy: (1) Sex at Dawn, which, while it isn't without faults, does regard monogamy/promiscuity and has an excellent bibliography that could provide you with a good reading list. (2) The Underground Girls of Kabul may not seem related to your question, and I suppose it doesn't directly deal with monogamy, but it certainly addresses questions of nature vs. nurture when it comes to gender and the roles men and women play in society throughout history and still to this day.

I've been poly for 10 years, and in a new LDR (4 months). He's a touring roadie, I'm an in-town roadie.

I would strongly recommend doing some reading on polyamory, open relationships, swinging, all that stuff. There's tons of great literature out there. Even if full-on multiple relationships isn't what you're looking for, you'll pick up lots and lots of tools to smooth a transition to non-monogamy, and just in general to have healthy communication.

Before you talk to him about it, and before you get with anyone else, try to have an idea of what you'd like, and what your boundaries are. Do you want just NSA booty, or FWB? What would you be comfortable for him to do with other women? What about barriers? Do you talk about your other partners, or is it a DADT situation? What if feels happen? A good rule of thumb is to picture your partner with someone else, having a great time. If this elicits strong feelings of jealousy, anger, and general badness, there's going to be a lot of things to work through.

After you've got a good idea of where you want to go, bring it up with him. Not with a specific other partner in mind, but just as a concept. Ask him to do research for himself. Even if he says "No way!", have him do the reading and make an informed decision. Make up your mind whether or not this is a deal breaker.

We're pretty strongly conditioned against the idea of non-monogamy, but the fact is that it's all around us. Open relationships are a pretty common practice, and can be part of a lot of healthy, loving, long-lasting romances.

I thought I would have to really reconsider my poly attitude when I met my current guy, because I am crazy-nuts-bananas in love. When I told him about it, he laughed that I had been scared and told me he had been in open relationships for a decade and preferred it!

Good luck on spreading the love!

https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379

https://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two-Practical-Polyamory/dp/0991399706

http://polyamorydiaries.com/im-madly-in-love-with-you-but-dont-worry-its-not-a-big-deal/

You shouldn't feel guilty. I was made to feel the same way about myself, but my mantra is "living well is the best revenge", because despite everything that my mother had done to me to make me feel like I'd never amount to anything, I have a wonderful life. You deserve to be happy. It sounds like you need to do some work on yourself, which means you need to take a step back and maybe see a counselor. If you want to start with maybe reading a good book on the topic, start with "Will I Ever Be Good Enough" : https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436 You are NOT to blame for the way you were raised.

It is extremely hard to live with the consequences of being raised by an NMom, I know. I still have to deal with it - there's nothing like feeling guilty about picking your mom up for Thanksgiving dinner from the low-income senior citizens apartment complex (she took out a reverse mortgage and blew through all the money after my dad passed) in a brand-new $50k SUV. Trust me. You just have to take it one day at a time and build yourself a good support network. I do suggest that you see a doctor though, it sounds like you had a pretty good anxiety attack. I had one like that about 17 years ago that caused me to re-evaluate much of my life. I spent about 3 years on medication to help with it. I no longer take anything though, and now I maybe get mini- anxiety attacks about once every other year, but nothing I can't deal with without the meds. I find that yoga is a huge help.

I am still VERY limited contact with my mom. Talk to her maybe once a month and have her for dinner on holidays.

Yes. Borderline Personality Disorder mother and a Narcissiric Personality Disorder (though this diagnosis is rarely given because narcissists rarely seek therapy unless they are forced to or suffer a flash of light live-changing usually traumatic experience where their narcissism no longer can protect their false dreamt-up reality using others as ‘narcissistic supply’)

My parents sandwiched me growing up with their V-spot BPD-NPD real-self dance when they inadvertently and advertenly activate each others’ false selfs and defense mechanism who are unable to procure true real romantic intimacy to support an authentic true-self loving household therefore inflicting role-reversal enmeshed narcissistic abuse onto their self-esteem identity/indivislity developing children.

https://www.verywellmind.com/understanding-romantic-bpd-relationships-425217

https://www.amazon.com/Malignant-Self-Love-Narcissism-Sam-Vaknin/dp/8023833847

https://openlibrary.org/books/OL7270096M/Search_For_The_Real_Self

Which is why hordes of internet schizoid-like Internet-type dudes are trying to resolve their fundamental core inability to expresss true genuine feelings of true intimacy with friends, relationships, others, etc. because of a ‘beta’ father and an ‘abusive’ mother in a dysfunctionla nuclesr family structure, if at all. And we live in an escapist dreamworld trying to live vicariously through Hollywood superheroes to imitate — or for the Asian community an idealized person to guide and relate to; the idealized Asian father figure to sooth and ameliorate our lack of identity, self-esteem development, and masculinity.

Luckily for me, my father was masculine so I have no problems standing on my own two feet with dudes of all backgrounds (hustlers, ex-cons, and blue-collar, nerds, etc.) but the romantic part is very difficult for me right now because of an emotionally toxic mother with no immediate female relatives to relate to as a child. This is why long-term insight-oriented psycho dynamic talk therapy is critical to address the identity issues and garner a stable self-image and develop healthy self-esteem building in a ‘safe-space’ private dedicated session with an if good objective psychoanalytic psychoanalyst/psychotherapist. But HMOs/insurance/self-pay don’t want to pay for this only to cheap out with superfiscal cognitive-behavioral “jussss change ur thoughts about the ordeal” approach, rather than bringing about unresolved unconscious intrapsychic conflicts from (early) childhoods that arrests our core identity development/self-esteem building (confidence) as individuals in this “I”-centered Westernsphere whereas conversely Confucianism culture of asserting direct confrontation of “I” or “you’re xyz” is vehemently disrespectful in the interpersonal culture of indirection.

...but Confucianism/Buddhism teaches us we must embrace suffering and self/sacrifice for a better successive generation tomorrow. Our immigrant parents bring this collectivism mindset but to navigate American life, we must assert ourselves as independent functioning individuals with self-stability and self-constancy of who we are. Simply said, the West values the individual irrespective of the family despite the aristocratic lineage rhetoric as Hollywood always admires a great rags-to-riches underdog movie. Whereas the Confucianism East desires to maintain peace, harmony, order and peaceful resistance of nonconfrontation.

However, the irony is that growing up in the Anglosphere we have to garner a dialetically diametrically opposed dualistic strategy of collectivist Confucianism at home and individualist identity in the non-Asian real-world. The village community doesn’t respect the individual because you’re deviating from the social norm and ingroup clique and their collectively shared self-esteem and group identity. Whereas the West cherishes the Johnny Appleseed wanderer, Lewis and Clark expeditions, the visionary dreamer for whatever xyz dreamt-up upotia. The East wants to maintain the Confucius scholar-beaurcrat hierarchy. Essentially, America’s narrative is to explore and find family and a sense of community as an individual leaving home, whereas the East wrt to China desires to maintain internal social stability our 5000 Han Chinese homogenous familial hierarchical family. And it is no mistake that the Asian-to-Asian connection is vehemently ingrained into our inner concious fabric through generations of solidarity until our ancestors lost out our internal familial peace where the Qing dynasty failed his people to the West/Japan with the Century of Humiliation.

Western religious history and narrative is one fraught with master-slave savior-savee god and his followers and competing interpretations of the biblical texts therefore causing seemingly intergenerationally perpetual Holy War conflicts, aggresive exploitation of religious enemies, and war to conquest others to occupy religious superiority and “englightrnment” to them through pillaging villages and indoctrinating the “superior” religion into others through newly erected religious institutions. ....Confucianism has none of that. Heck, Buddha respects his followers worshipping of other Gods. Though the other religions respect you for worshipping other Gods is of their own issue.

Additionally Confucianism culture teaches us to not seek for extraneous help for fear of looking weak (maintaining ‘perception amnagement’ just like we curate our happy social-media happy moment reel to manipulate a certain image in the shared 3rd digital/cyberspace dimensional realities) and keep family matters private as to not air-out dirty laundry in order to ‘save face’ and not being shame to the family name — as in defeat and loss of status. But the crux of the matter is that the family systems dynamic is vehemently unhealthy due to intergenerational trauma and familial tug-of-war narcissism, especially given that immigrant parents self-sacrifice to economically bust their butts but along cling onto their children for emotional security in this new foreign world as we try to forge our own narratives and identity. The more we grow to be American with individuality,the more it counteracts the intergenerational Confucianism familial planning in the name of maintaining the preservation the lineage successive dynastic ‘family name’. (Indians are in the extreme with arranged marriages) Luckily for me my parents despite their narcissism are open-minded cosmopolitan individuals and don’t mind me Americanizing and imposed any racial dating restrictions.

The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment https://www.amazon.com/dp/0787908703/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_rA1-AbZS1J063

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents https://www.amazon.com/dp/1626251703/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_dB1-AbVQXAZTN

Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers https://www.amazon.com/dp/1439129436/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_NB1-AbN0P827E

Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572245611/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_ND1-Ab94P47XX

Going to recommend a book for you:

https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Third-Practical-Relationships/dp/0399579664

This is an excellent book that talks about jealousy, emotional health, relationships, self confidence, and so many other issues that arise in relationships in general. It's written specifically for people who are considering polyamory or who are curious about the subject. But honestly, I read it a couple years ago and it changed my life. And I'm not even poly! I recommend absolutely anyone who is old enough to have a serious relationship give this book a read.

That said, you absolutely shouldn't feel bad about having biological urges, and wanting what you want. We're all human. We all sometimes see a beautiful/handsome person that we can't help but think is attractive. It's a normal part of biology, and we typically try to hide it from each other to spare our partner's feelings.

If you're considering acting on those feelings, you'll need to talk about it with your partner. He has a right to know what your long-term intentions are, and while it may be scary to feel like you might lose someone you care about, you owe it to them to let them know who you are. He will probably have some questions and concerns, and definitely some limits. But if you have a healthy relationship, you should be able to at least have a heart to heart about the fact that you are increasingly finding yourself curious about women.

Again, I recommend you read the book I linked. It was a world-view changer for me. Once you feel comfortable, you should be honest with yourself and figure out if you think your boyfriend is a reasonable enough person to have this discussion with, and understand that he may feel a little threatened. Ease his mind. Let him know that you love him. And that these are just thoughts you wanted to share with him, and ask if he is comfortable exploring it further.

No doubt this isn't going to be emotionally/spiritually easy, but logistically it's a total cinch! in my case, I had to continue to communicate with my STBXW because we have a 2 year old daughter. it was fucking hell for a long time, until I finally let go. in my case, my STBXW is (in her words) mostly gay, and it dating a woman. I happen to think that she rationalizing it by using the word mostly because of how society and her mother tells her she needs to be, but that aside, I made it. I'm here. I'm OK. This is after feeling like I was literally having a heart attack every day/night. The only thing that kept me from stepping in front of a city bus and turning my computer off for good was my little daughter. Even time with her was murder, because I felt so very alone with her because she reminded me of what (I thought) I had fucked up (my marriage). After time had passed, my STBXW started communicating again, and the truth came to pass. I began to let go. I began really really bonding with my daughter in a way I never had before. My love for my daughter grew deep and strong, and in a way the love I have for my STBXW transformed into a deep respect for her being finally honest with herself and honest with me.

Now? I love waking up and going to my job and I look forward to my days with my little girl, and the family time me and my STBXW have carved out for the three of us. Will I have my weak days? Yes. We all do. Will this flow I'm feeling last? No. It never does.

My point isn't to bore you with my story. My point is your road to feeling like this seems much less treacherous and difficult versus the one I walked/am walking. That's not to minimize what you're feeling. I know you're hurting. It hurts like fucking hell to think that you are missing out on true love ever lasting and all that tripe that the greeting card industry sell us.

Go no contact. Eat well. Go to the gym. Leave her alone, and if I were you, I would refuse dinners/fake dates/movie nights/cuddling. You're on your own now. Enjoy it and build yourself back into the man that some lovely woman out there is looking for. She's there somewhere, but you've got a huge blind spot right now in the shape of your STBXW that you have to clear out.

Good luck and PM anytime if you need help. Plenty of people helped me when my divorce process started, and I'm happy to pay it forward. Trust the process and trust that it takes time to flush out the cortisol (stress hormone) and get over the toxic shame that you fucked something up. Remember, it takes two.

In the meantime, read this book.

Hey, congratulations on the promotion! You're going to be fine. Every manager started as a newbie once. I've moved out of senior leadership and now coach people moving into management for a living. Here is some advice I can give, in line with the other suggestions. There are 3 things you have to tackle in this scenario:

1. The integration of the new staff. You need to meet with the new person one-on-one, understand their challenges and help guide them. Your expectations need to be clear, and you will need to follow up with them to continue guiding them until they are up to speed.
   
   
2. The vocal person who is making inappropriate comments about the new person. You need to take her aside, hear her concerns, reflect back to her what she just said (this is important so she knows you listened) and then express your concerns: that a) you function together as a team and b) that if she is not happy with a single person's behaviour, she should first talk to the new person about it, constructively, and if that doesn't work, then she should come to you personally. And that she shouldn't bring it up in front of the group because that is not a constructive way to handle this.
   
   
3. You need to go back to the team as a whole (after the two above conversations) because they witnessed something and they need to know how you are addressing it. You need to discuss what happened in more general terms (don't breach any confidentiality / trust) along the lines that you feel that feedback is very important to the team members and to yourself, but that as a team we have to respect each other in how that feedback is delivered, so that it is constructive and supports the team's working together and performing together. Set your expectations that if there is a problem between anyone they to talk to the person concerned first, and they can come to you if that doesn't work. Get the team to discuss how they will do this, and come together with a "pact" around the feedback process between each other. Tell the whole team that you don't expect negative comments about anyone in front of the group; each member of the team has different strengths and the team will be at its best if those strengths are leveraged. Focus on the strengths, not all the weaknesses, as a team come up with a way to give each other feed back, then hold them accountable to it. The strongest teams have good feedback mechanisms between team-members baked into how they work.
   
   A couple books to read:
   
   (1) Difficult Conversations: How to discuss what matters most (Stone, Patton, Heen)
   
   (2) Mastering Leadership (Anderson, Adams)
   
   
   Here is an interesting TED talk - don't be perturbed by the title. He talks about key character habits of good managers / leaders, that can be learned and practiced.
   
   Hope that helps. Feel free to shoot any questions.
   
   

Yes! /u/throwawaypolymom, if you do want to understand more about how this really works, books really are a great resource. You don't have to be interested in implementing it yourself to understand the philosophy behind it, and they're better organized and argued than just our personal reddit anecdotes. They may be challenging (reading them made me so uncomfortable at first, because I was being challenged on deep-seated assumptions I'd been raised with), but there are some really wonderful resources out there. The Ethical Slut is a great first one. Sex at Dawn is nice for a more sociological perspective. More Than Two and Opening Up are also excellent. And Ask Me About Polyamory! is wonderfully light and great for little bite-size snapshots of what poly life is truly like.

Yes and no, though for me it’s more social anxiety than shyness.

Yes, because we live in a society that values extroversion, and we’re made to feel guilty for not fitting that mold. There have been times I’ve wished (albeit briefly) that I was more extroverted because it seems like life would be so much easier.

However, I try to remind myself that my introversion is deeply connected to personal qualities of which I’m proud: thoughtfulness, deep-thinking, being a good listener, etc. Life might be easier as an extrovert, but being an introvert isn’t something to be ashamed of (though I’ll admit that it’s taken me time to realize that). I know it sounds cheesy, but there’s a book called “The Introvert Advantage” by Marti Olsen Laney that helped me feel less guilty/ashamed and more proud of qualities that our pro-extrovert society doesn’t necessarily appreciate. I’d recommend checking it out. It may also help you articulate some of the things you’ve struggled to explain to your friends. It made a huge difference when my very extroverted mother read it - she told me she finally understood some of the things I did that had baffled her or that she had completely misinterpreted.

Please try not to hate your shyness or introversion. There are always going to be some people who will judge you for not being extroverted, but you know what? Screw them. If they aren’t willing to make an effort to see what lies beneath the surface, it’s their loss.

​

Edit: I just looked back at my copy of "The Introvert Advantage" (I really do hate that title, but it IS a good book), and there are a few bits the author wrote on shyness that you might find interesting (bold emphasis is mine):

[Introverts] are people who need private space to refuel, who do not gain their primary energy from external activities, and who usually need time to reflect and think before they speak. In this chapter I will discuss what they are not. They are not scaredy cats, shrinking violets, or self-absorbed loners. Nor are they necessarily shy or antisocial. As a society we don’t see introverts accurately because we are looking at them through a lens of incorrect assumptions. Most introverts don’t understand their own temperament because they have grown up with their own misconceptions about introversion.

Also:

Shyness is social anxiety, an extreme self-consciousness when one is around people. It may have some genetic roots (in the form of a highly reactive fear center), but it is usually learned from experiences at school, with friends, and in families. For some, it comes and goes at various ages and in certain situations. Shy people may feel uncomfortable with one-on-one conversations or in group situations. It is not an issue of energy; it is a lack of confidence in social situations. ....Shyness is not who you are (like introversion), it is what you think other people think you are, and therefore it is responsive to behavior change.

​

So perhaps a big part of the problem is that we've come to accept the fact that terms like "shy" are foisted upon us, and that doesn't help the situation. The author mentions some books that may help you feel more confidence in certain social situations. Since I haven't personally read any of them, I hesitate to recommend specific books. I would first read "The Introvert Advantage." I think that just feeling more comfortable understanding and accepting why we are the way we are can make a big difference in feeling more confident in certain social situations.

This isn't really related to travel, but good job getting a few weeks sober! You might be interested in a book called Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. I found it incredibly helpful to develop a vocabulary of needs and to understand how those relate to ways I feel, like sad, despondent, excited, optimistic, and everything in between.

I also think it provides a good framework for understanding my own values, and allowed me to take responsibility for my own life. It was helpful to understand that I am responsible for my own happiness, and that I am the only one who can give power over my happiness to someone else (like an ex, a boss, parent, or anyone else who you think is bringing you down.)

I was not paid to write this :) , but sharing something that I think might be of value in the long term. It is good to practice some self-empathy. You will always have ups and downs, but here's to hoping you can be kind to yourself.

It's important to respect boundaries and this is definitely an important conversation, but I want to share some advice for you here, too.

My little guy is 2.5 now and if there's a theme that's arisen for me as a parent, it is all about letting go. From the moment he left the womb, being a mother has been one long act of stretching out the umbilical cord, further and further every day, an inch at a time. Control is an illusion and it does not help your child to grow. So part of my message to you is this: there's some wisdom in what your husband is saying. The past can't be changed; we can literally only accept it and move on, or get angry about it and get stuck.

That being said, setting clear expectations with family members early on is important and this is a fantastic opportunity to start that conversation. My MIL insisted on taking pictures of me post c-section in my pink nightgown no make up etc after I'd repeatedly asked her not to. Video even. I put my foot down and insisted she delete all of it because there was a respect issue there. But I did it with as much love as I could muster and I didn't make threats about not seeing the baby etc. I see some posts here suggesting that sort of thing and honestly I feel that's a little misguided. There's a way to have this conversation that doesn't end with people not talking to each other and you and/or your child losing out on a good relationship with the in-laws.

There's a great book called Crucial Conversations that talks about how to do that effectively.

https://www.amazon.ca/gp/aw/d/0071771328/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1480070269&sr=1-1&pi=SY200_QL40&keywords=crucial+conversations&dpPl=1&dpID=51W9DU9pFuL&ref=plSrch

Hope that helps :)

I'm pregnant with my first so I don't have the same experience, but in addition to second/thirding the idea of therapy, I would suggest reading Ina May's Guide to Childbirth (linked below) if you are interested in having a VBAC as well as a healing birth experience this time. The book has tons of real-life birth stories, as well as really good information about how women's bodies naturally work (and how medical interventions often make things worse). Ina May's birth center in Tennessee has incredibly low rates of intervention, including c-section, and she's considered by many people to be the best and most experienced midwife around.

If it's feasible for you - I don't know your location, finances, etc obviously - it would be a good idea to find an experienced midwife or at least a doula who can sympathize with your medical anxiety, give you information and options regarding natural childbirth including VBAC, and help you find a place (whether that's a hospital, birth center, at home, wherever) that you feel safe giving birth.

I, too, have anxiety about medical procedures and I pretty much never go to the doctor - I feel that they treat symptoms and not the underlying problems, and they are too quick to push interventions (not least of all on pregnant/birthing women). That whole "oversized baby" problem is usually not true, and unless you have a deformed pelvis from rickets or something, there are very few true cases where a newborn is physically too large to fit through the mother's pelvis. I am not mentioning this to dig at anything from the past, but to encourage you to believe in your body's natural ability to give birth to the baby that it grows. I'm sorry that you went through a traumatic birth experience with your first and I hope that whatever you decide that the second one will help heal the pain from that.

https://www.amazon.com/Ina-Mays-Guide-Childbirth-Gaskin/dp/0553381156/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1467611746&sr=1-1&keywords=ina+may%27s+guide+to+childbirth

>Is there any must know scrum master tips that a newbie should know.

Scrum's primary job is to highlight where your problems are. if things are painful, figure out how to fix them WITHIN the scrum framework. it's trying to teach you and your team things about workflow, process, etc. the things you encounter that make things harder within the framework need to be fixed within the framework.

Your job as a Scrum Master is somewhat fluid. you're part project manager, part process engineer, and part team manager. If work isn't moving, grease the wheels and help it move. if stuff is moving to fast, help people hit the brakes.

> Is there anything about agile you wish you knew when you started with it?

Start practicing Systems level thinking. your team is not in a vacuum. everything they do effects someone else. make sure you aren't making things harder for someone else.

I wish I had started reading sooner. if you don't have a lot of time to read: Audio books. use your commute to improve your skills.

Absorb as much information as you can. Scrum is not a silver bullet. it also doesn't do work for you. it only highlights where you need to focus. the rest is on you, so read and study. Scrum and Agile are about fostering a habit of continuous and relentless improvement. you should put this to practice on yourself as well. it's the one thing I wish I had started sooner.

If your company allows it, attend the local agile conferences. these are GREAT for newbies. they cover a lot of good information. one thing you want to do is start collecting stories about different implementations. there are hundreds of successful ones and the one that works best for your team will likely be a combination of those. the more stories you have to draw from, the greater your options for success. start collecting.


Recommended reading:
Phoenix Project: https://www.amazon.com/Phoenix-Project-DevOps-Helping-Business/dp/0988262509
Crucial Conversations: https://www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conversations-Talking-Stakes-Second/dp/0071771328/
Lean from the Trenches: https://www.amazon.com/Lean-Trenches-Managing-Large-Scale-Projects/dp/1934356859/
The Toyota Way to Lean Leadership: https://www.amazon.com/Toyota-Way-Lean-Leadership-Development/dp/0071780785/
When you're ready for something more advanced:
Tribal Leadership: https://www.amazon.com/Tribal-Leadership-Leveraging-Thriving-Organization/dp/0061251321/
Toyota Production System: https://www.amazon.com/Toyota-Production-System-Beyond-Large-Scale/dp/0915299143/
Lean Software Development: https://www.amazon.com/Lean-Software-Development-Agile-Toolkit/dp/0321150783/
Note: This last book is 'advanced' mostly because of price. It's worth it.

Poppendieck's bookshelf is also a good place to start. I'd set a goal to try to read every book on this list in the next 2 or 3 years. most of the books i've listed are also on their bookshelf.

http://www.poppendieck.com/reference.htm

Yea, I just got home. I'm bored, mini rants incoming.

When I first heard of The Four Agreements, I was in detox back in 09 or something. And this tweaker chick kept going manic. She'd be happy/sad/angry/empty... just over and over. She was throwing chairs, and freaking out, but she kept telling me to read that book. So I had to, because she had excellent chair throwing skills. It was a great read, ... very very interesting take on spirituality but it is pretty applicable. It's a feel good philosophy warrior book thing.

The Power of Now. I had what AA would call a "spiritual awakening" and it really wasn't much like a burning bush, but A LOT like this guy talks about in this book. When I was about to kill myself with a teener of dope, I had this very very strange experience where I couldn't identify with myself anymore. .. "Who is this person that wants to die so badly?... Who am I?" It really changed things. The power of now was the most powerful thing I've read.

The New Earth is pretty interesting. I have to disagree with some points, because traditionally, you can't really get rid of the ego. The ego is necessary to survive. But it's interesting. It's worth a read, especially someone stuck in a facility with only their remorse and addiction to keep them company.

I personally LOVE Gabor Mate. This guy deals with the most tragic cases of addiction in Vancouver, and he's a neurologist and he has some pretty good insights on addiction. In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts. It's partly where I came up with my flair.

Rational Recovery was another I would suggest. It's a lot like those Allen Carr Easy Way to Quit Smoking. But the basic idea is disassociation from the "Addictive Voice". That it's not ME that wants to get high, but my addiction. That shit rocked my world when I learned it, and I immediately integrated it into my first step in Narcotics Anonymous.
EDIT, Rational Recovery, and Jack Trimpey are VERY AGAINST 12 step ideology. He HATES IT, and he hates the God idea. I get that, but I cannot and will not deny the therapeautic value of one addict helping another. Nothing compares. Even Bill W. in AA wrote about it in his memoirs and grapevines and the Big Book. "When all other measures failed, work with another alcoholic saved the day."

Tao de Ching really helped me. Although it may be missattributed, the whole "Living in the Past is living in depression, living in the future is living in anger and fear, living in the now is living in peace."

So, as you can see, I really like the "now" concept, but it's helped me stay clean and be happy about it. Non-fiction would probably be great too. But these are very spiritual new agey ideas.

This reminds me, I need to read The Spirituality of Imperfection.

THE MOST IMPORTANT BOOKS THOUGH:

I highly recommend the NA Basic Text, and I love the Step Working Guide.

I had that happen as well, though I didn't realize it as much at the time.

First, since you asked, some books:

Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

Toxic Parents

Why Does He Do That?(still applicable if you change genders)

If you're able to move away, you should. You need to get as much distance as you can to build your own life and personality. I think I took five years before I started becoming the person I am now, and I'm still a ways to go in building my self-esteem.

If you can't move, like u/LuluThePanda said, you should still start doing daily affirmation habits. Little steps matter, even as little as saying "why yes, I do look pretty awesome today." You need to start "faking it until you make it" - it won't come naturally at first, but the more you do it, the better it will feel, and the more it will feel like it's really you.

Also, you may want to stop telling your mother about successes you have. It's your call, but I found that my mother didn't actually have any interest in my doing well, more that I could act as her council when called on. That and she doesn't understand what success means in my field. I stopped talking about any luck I had/goals I reached, and it helped me stay calm more often.

Good luck, and stay strong! You're doing great!

edit: formatting

Maybe you could do hot yoga?

I never really found anything that could truly get rid of the chills. I remember wearing 2 pairs of long johns, 2 sweaters, under all the blankets I owned, shivering on my couch while my mom did my dishes after I bailed out of detox. That was many years ago, but even now that I'm clean I still find myself getting chilly all the time. My new best friend is an electric heating pad. It is so, so nice to curl up with at night.

You might like this book. It touches briefly on some aspects of different spiritualities, but also combines personal life experiences and a bit of neuroscience, too.

I've been teaching myself how to read tarot cards lately. It's really interesting and accessible, and can provide you great cues to gain some further insight into your inner workings.

Oh yeah, if you want something warm to drink that might help take the edge off a bit, you can try valerian tea, or a tea blended with valerian in it. Be warned, though. If you get valerian on its own, it seriously smells like super pungent stinky feet. It doesn't taste like that, tho. Tastes kinda like catnip or spearmint. If you can handle the stinky foot smell, it does good stuff for agitation.

Fair, and to some extent, necessary. I agree with you. Interviewing, you don't necessarily need to be charming, just well prepared. Job interviews are formulaic, and it's not hard to look up common interview questions and prepare for them.

One thing to suggest; confidence. While confidence won't stop social awkwardness, it can help cover for it.

So how did I gradually build greater confidence?

One way was comptent Therapy. This helped a lot.

The other is maintaining the illusion of confidence. Take a page from the NT playbook, and lie through body language.

So what does a confident person look like? Well, there are a number of different types of body language for this, but I usually fall back to "the drill sergeant" as I call it. Back mostly straight, neck straight, eyes forward, feet pointed forward, about a shoulders length apart, knees slightly bent, hands tucked into the "small"of my back (just above the pelvic bone), shoulders rolled slightly back. You can thrust your hips forward as well, slightly.

[Example from behind.] (http://image.slidesharecdn.com/decodingbodylanguage-140917110453-phpapp02/95/decoding-body-language-82-638.jpg?cb=1415932101)

Example from front.

This exposes your belly, while clasping your hands behind your back shows you're not afraid of a frontal attack. It is a common stance for reflecting confidence. If it works for you, practice it, master it, and feel the confidence.

[This is a great resource for learning the how's and why's of certain kinds of body language.] (https://www.amazon.com/Definitive-Book-Body-Language-Expressions/dp/0553804723?SubscriptionId=AKIAILSHYYTFIVPWUY6Q&tag=duckduckgo-d-20&linkCode=xm2&camp=2025&creative=165953&creativeASIN=0553804723) I recommend it, though there are plenty of other great books about body language.

http://www.marriedmansexlife.com/

MMSL is about men improving themselves in a way that leads to more and better sex in marriage. He expresses a few ideas better than I've seen elsewhere:

• Comfort and attraction are related but different. Many men in \DeadBedrooms are good at comfort but not attraction and make the mistake of thinking that comfort generates attraction.
  
  
• Attraction has a big physical and instinctual component. Attraction is triggered by strength, confidence, charm, aggressiveness, status, physical build, when they are displayed in the context of the rest of your relationship.
  
  
  MMSL has specific suggestions for a good man in a good relationship to deliver better attractiveness cues.
  
  No one else is giving advice to nice-guys about the actual practice of a good physical relationship. MMSL advises how to approach their GFs for sex, or how to handle sexual rejection. Consider http://www.marriedmansexlife.com/2010/01/sexy-moves-ten-second-kiss.html for example.
  
  MMSL is often rejected for being unrepentantly pro-sex, focused on men, simplistic, and taking an evo-psych/game view. If that bothers you, skip it.
  
  There is a book, which is a convenient and better-organized version of the content of the blog plus maybe 20% more. http://www.amazon.com/The-Married-Life-Primer-2011/dp/1460981731/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1331320784&sr=8-1
  

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I love this! Thank you so much for working on this project!

Here are my suggestions please add what you feel is appropriate :)

FICTION
A Door Near Here by Heather Quarles. - it's about a family with an alcoholic mother from the children's point of view. As an ACOA (adult child of an alcoholic) it's quite realistic as far as the mother's behavior.

A Wrinkle in Time - includes father/daughter relationships, sibling relationships and self esteem.

Push Inspiration for the movie Precious. I love this book but it is a tough one to read.

NON FICTION:

Hospice related: Final Gifts I also recommend this one to families of a dying loved one

My Mother Myself mother daughter relationships

Will I Ever be Good Enough. Another book about mother-daughter relationships but focuses on dealing with mothers with narcissistic behaviors.

Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayad

The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

Hyperbole and a Half Funny as fuck and talks about depression.

I do have a list of caregiver books that I give to loved ones of someone on hospice. I'm too lazy to look it up right now lol but if there's interest let me know and I'll post it.

Also, is there any interest in a social work related podcasts wiki? I know quite a few that deal with issues we work with such as alcoholism, addiction, recovery etc.

This will get buried and might not directly apply, but I feel it's worth noting:

I work in a high octane industry that is very dependent on interpersonal communication both with clients and coworkers. I'm also married, run a separate start up, and volunteer a lot so I spend a lot of time communicating.

Check this book out: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0071771328/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1459120866&sr=8-1&pi=SY200_QL40&keywords=crucial+conversations&dpPl=1&dpID=51aefLfnGUL&ref=plSrch

Only one or two other books have had more of an impact on my professional and personal life. And this one is by far the most helpful with communication.

I understand you are looking for a way to not get angry, and I sincerely believe it starts at the beginning of the interaction. Have the right mentality from the start. That book will help tremendously.

A few other quick tips:

1. Why are you interacting with these people?
   a. If they are friends...ditch them. They aren't friends.
   b. If it's necessary for work or something similar...keep reading.
   
   
2. Seek to understand first, then be understood
   -people can be frustrating...but you can only control you. So listen first...then explain. You might be surprised at how they react. Again, I don't know the exact reason for the interactions...but this is always a good mentaility to have.
   
   
3. In every interpersonal situation...knowledge is shared. You have your own knowledge about a given situation, and so does the other person. Try to remind yourself that the purpose of the interaction is to share knowledge and find the best course of action. If they are angry, twist your words, or ignore you...polietly exit the conversation. It's not worth having because they are just trying to stir things up.
   
   
4. Don't try to win an argument. It will never go well. Try to share knowledge and accept knowledge. Chances are the best thing in any given situation is a mix of different people's opinions.
   
   Lastly, I want you to know these steps aren't probably perfect for your situation. What I know, is that if you can change how you see interpersonal communication from the start of a conversation...your attitude will change too. I was in the exact same boat before as you are now.
   
   Good luck friend!

Read like, the first page of each of these books.

http://www.amazon.com/Power-Elite-C-Wright-Mills/dp/0195133544/

http://www.amazon.com/Corporation-Pathological-Pursuit-Profit-Power/dp/0743247469/

http://www.amazon.com/Realm-Hungry-Ghosts-Encounters-Addiction/dp/155643880X/

http://www.amazon.com/Globalization-Addiction-Study-Poverty-Spirit/dp/0199588716/

Look at how many people voted in 2014.

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/11/12/opinion/the-worst-voter-turnout-in-72-years.html?_r=0

http://bipartisanpolicy.org/library/2012-voter-turnout/

"Some 93 million eligible citizens did not vote."

http://www.nonprofitvote.org/documents/2013/09/america-goes-to-the-polls-2012-voter-participation-gaps-in-the-2012-presidential-election.pdf

Look at dem numbers.

You are the next generation. Great tv series, btw. You are part of the hope that casts a light upon the world.


https://openlibrary.org/

Also, sorry, skimmed through your post history to perhaps glean what ails you, but perhaps your anxiety/stress stemming from these surrounding issues are increasing the occurrence of a lack of proper airflow/air intake during sleep, and disrupting the process of healing that's supposed to occur during the night, leading to long-term damage to your heart?

Your parents love you for a reason, and you shouldn't feel that resources or money are even a factor in their considerations. They love you, period, and you'll have plenty of time to repay your family/society/whoever you want just through the act of living well.\

Also, there's a lot of technology coming around the corner where organ fabrication/replacement/etc. is going to be a very common/real thing, but that's not to say that you can't still work with your doctor to mitigate symptoms/risks for now.

Take care, friend. Life is a strange journey indeed, but it can be rewarding if you let it be.

Edit: I would say that it's a nice poem, but I cannot agree that the best way to get back at those you feel have slighted you is to cease one's own existence. That would be tantamount to a full surrender. You still have some fight left in you, don't you? Fighting back is the best way to give the bird to all the turds.

First of all, congratulations! It is an uncommon person who can look at this situation and place the happiness and welfare of the people he loves over his ego and societal expectations.

If this is your first foray into non-monogamy, I definitely recommend doing the reading; The Ethical Slut is an excellent place to start, kind of the old testament of the poly bible. And if that's true, then More Than Two is the New Testament. I would also recommend, since you are opening an existing marriage, reading Tristan Taormino's Opening Up.

I do want to point out one thing, though.

>It was a closeted bisexual's best case scenario

If you are angling to turn this V into a triad, don't keep it a secret. Be up front and honest about what you want. Even if it doesn't work out, you'll know you acted properly.

Best of luck to you and yours!

Well, I am not even such a horn dog in ordinary life, I just try to take every opportunity - and if you make yourself known as sex-loving, word gets around.

For real, one of my FWB's beats me to being sexual hands down. I've never ever - not once - seen her in a mood that would prevent sex. Whenever we are together, I can literally touch her at any minute and she'll be ready within a minute. I've never heard her complain about orgasm difficulties (and I have no reason to suspect she's faking it). It's great, but it also tells me how big the range between low/ordinary and supercharged sex drive must be. And I know her hubby and her had some relationship troubles because he felt intimidated - can't blame him to be honest. He's truly happy for her when we meet for a weekend because she'll be glowing for days - not because I am worlds best lover, but because I can keep up for like two or three days.

Which brings me to another point - there are different "schools" on how much contact there should be between partners. You have the "poly-tribes" or even "sister wifes" where contact is expected to be rather close. On the other hand, lots of (exp. men) try to keep it all separate and just will be gone for the night and not tell. I don't go to either extreme, but believe more in the former than the latter. I like to at least know the husbands of my partners and I like my gf to get to know other partners as well.

There's a stack of literature out there, for instance The Ethical Slut, maybe it would be worth reading some books?

Hmm. You seem to see a future with this guy, which implies serious decisions like co-habitation, marriage, children, etc. He sounds like he's more focused on living in the now, which is fine, for him.

Consider this: Is there any evidence he (and for that matter, you) is working toward achieving your future goals, or are they just sweet nothings to keep you satiated while he perfects his K/D ratio on COD?

You're not being a "heartless bitch." I'd say your concerns point to a very heartfelt feeling. You want your boyfriend to improve educationally for himself, and you want to keep things moving relationship-wise for the both of you. Unless you start making ultimatums and harranguing him without calmly explaining your reasons why (for example), you haven't nearly crossed into "bitch" territory.

Now, while he's working two jobs (how long can a man keep that up, btw?), smoking ganja, drinking the Dew, and gaming, what are you doing? You seemingly implied you're in Uni, and I'm guessing you're pursuing other things in your life, based on the overall candor of your post. In the next few years you'll start changing as a person, and if he stays the same, something's going to give.

I don't mean to frighten you or anything, but there's a good possiblity you're dating someone who's perfect for you right now,but, as you've rightly began to see, may not be the perfect guy for you to settle down with. That's okay. It's part of growing up.

Take some time to think about the future from a variety of different scenarios and decide if the real him can be a part of your ideal future.

Also, I'd highly reccomend you read The Defining Decade, or at least listen to author Meg Jay's TEDTalk. I think you're starting to grasp the issues that affect many 20-somethings, myself included, and it can give you a good perspective on some of the things you're clearly beginning to think about w/r/t your future.

Good luck!

One of two things is probably going to happen.

Scenario One: You'll talk to her about it and she'll go "Really!? Me too!"

Scenario Two: You'll talk to her about it and she'll go "WTF!? Why don't you love me anymore!?"

The fact that an open relationship and sex with others has been brought up without the sky falling in is a good sign but partners can sometimes get into a situation where they smile and nod at something, hoping it's just a phase and you'll forget about it after a while.

Real talk; you need to accept the fact that it may turn out that what the two of you want and are comfortable with is different and ultimately incompatible. I'm not saying that's what will happen but it's a possibility you need to be prepared for so you're not blindsided.

Before you talk to her, you need to get a handle on how you feel and start learning some of the language to talk about poly and the associated emotions. Kimchi Cuddles is a pretty low intensity look at the poly world through a humorous angle and it's actually written by a person who is poly so the perspectives and language in it come from a place of knowledge. You can also save comics that address particular problems or have discussions in them that resonate particularly strongly for you.

Beyond that, there's Hardy and Easton's Ethical Slut which is (and should be) a standard issue "Welcome to poly!" book and Deborah Anapol's book Polyamory in the 21st Century.

Both texts aren't flawless, I have irks with both as do many others but for someone looking to get a toe-hold they're pretty good.

I'd recommend starting with Kimchi Cuddles, then moving on to Ethical Slut. Polyamory in the 21st Century is optional but more in-depth.

The important thing is to talk with your partner now. Make them aware that you're thinking about this kind of stuff so they don't get blindsided later on when you've been reading and thinking for a month with them completely unaware. Maybe look for more concrete responses to the idea of an open relationship.

Unless you get the second scenario, there's going to be some hurt. It's extremely difficult to avoid. You just have to keep stressing that this isn't because of a failure on her part and that you still love and care for her.

Another vote for both of the Emily Oster books, and the best practical book I've read is Heading Home with Your Newborn. Also this one's not a pregnancy book but I would strongly recommend How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen if you're at all scared of the toddler through kinder stage. It's an entertaining read that aligns well with developmental psychology and has all these really funny real life examples of using the strategies from the book.

If I had to only pick a handful, I'd pick those.

I also liked the Ina May book which people will recommend a lot, but keep in mind it really is exclusively about childbirth and it's a bit crunchier than the average (though this pertains to the birth stories included more than Ina May's actual writing IMO). There's a good interview with her on the Longest Shortest Time podcast that addresses some of the things I felt the book could have benefited from stating outright to avoid sounding a little preachy at times.

If you're looking for like a detailed read that starts with absolute basics that would be especially good for anyone who hasn't researched much on pregnancy before, I would recommend Pregnancy, Childbirth, and the Newborn: The Complete Guide. It's as thick as a textbook but it doesn't read like one. They have a page in most sections directly speaking to partners as well, which is neat.

I am not sure what the answer is but this may help. There is a recent trend of people being all into personality types (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator) which in the right context is actually quite helpful.

http://www.16personalities.com/ is the best test I have found online, but to truly nail down your type you are supposed to be tested by a trained person. Regardless you can probably figure out where you land on the spectrum of personalities just from reading their descriptions.

The reason I bring this up isn't because I am a fan boy of personality tests but because it may be just be your personality, something that is hard coded to you, which you have to work with and gain insight to. The best way to use these test I have found isn't to find compatibility with other people but to find it with yourself. I have learned what areas I am stubborn in, where I am less than stellar, and where I exceed others. Changing your personality flaws (if even possible) is probably harder than changing any other single thing about yourself. If you however develop insight and mindfulness you can build self-awareness to how you react to situations/people and you can watch yourself more closely.

There are plenty of books on Amazon you can find just by searching MBTI related to personalities that will give you a wealth of information. Once you find your type you can find even more specific ones. It sounds you may lean towards being extroverted (getting energy from other people) but you said you like your solitude so perhaps you are a hybrid! I am an introvert and this book I started reading has been beneficial: http://www.amazon.com/The-Introvert-Advantage-Thrive-Extrovert/dp/0761123695

Wish you well.

I couldn't find mead anywhere in the store either, anywhere I asked I just got weird looks. So I did some online research and it turns out that one of the local wineries makes award winning mead. I'm pretty blessed though as there are about 20 wineries less than 5km from my house, and about 100 if I'm willing to go 30 minutes.

I went and tasted 6 meads and bought a bottle (This one). They ranged from semi-sweet to very very sweet (30g/L to 100g/L residual sugar). The one I bought was their "dry mead". It didn't have as strong of a honey taste as I expected. It reminded me of white wine, but don't get me wrong it did have some great notes of honey in the flavor and aroma. Their sweeter ones definitely had more honey flavour and were very viscous (because generally more honey is used to make them) and they also generally had a higher ABV (due to higher specific gravity). Even though the mead i bought was their dry mead, it still contained 30g/L and I was definitely hanging the next day from it. However using the technical notes on their site I gather I can make a drier mead myself.

If you like white wine, you will like mead and I am having a lot of fun learning and planning my first batch. I'm reading this book and it is excellent. Use this to help calculate how much honey you will need, your potential ABV and SG. Also take a look at Gotmead.com and homebrewtalk.com.

Check out /r/polyamory and read about people who are practicing ethical nonmonogamy. It can be a lot of fun if you do this as a way of enhancing trust and love, rather than telling yourselves that your natural biochemistry is a sign that you love each other somehow less.

Oh, and communicate, communicate, communicate! with your man. No "don't ask, don't tell"s unless you are both certain that it is the best choice for you.

And if you want to read a great book that will help you to quell some of that old-school social narrative scare tactic about sex and monogamous, committed love being inextricably tied, then read Sex At Dawn.

Being in love doesn't stop most people from needing sexual novelty. Needing sexual novelty doesn't stop people from being in love unless they try to crush that need under a mountain of guilt and denial.

camgnostic wrote:

I love xeromag's intro and especially the intro for 'nice guys'.

Love the pervocracy although Cliff's more blogger par excellence than resource. Lot's of resource-y links on there.

Not specifically BDSM, but since consent is discussed amongst kinksters more than at the world at large (which is a tragic shame for the world at large), I recommend some yes means yes.

Since shopping comes up a lot, the stockroom, the collar factory, both highly recommended. Also /r/bdsmDIY for those who don't have the money for the high end stuff, or want to try out a new style of play before investing a couple hundred bucks on it.

Paper books I love:

• Douglas Kent's series on Shibari is the best intro-to-tying-up I've ever seen. TKB aren't shabby at all, but Kent teaches you much more in the way of fundamentals, and less made-to-order harnesses/wraps that are only usable in total or not at all (Kent's books tend to have a very long section at the beginning teach all of the basics, not just specific knots, then the harnesses he suggests are merely combinations of those smaller building blocks).
  
  
  
• Taramino's Ultimate Guide to Kink has a great sampler platter of kinks - I haven't met someone yet that didn't find something in there they haven't tried / wanted to know more about / found exciting enough to bring up with a partner. It's a great read, and informative.
  
  That a start?
  
  

I love xeromag's intro and especially the intro for 'nice guys'.

Love the pervocracy although Cliff's more blogger par excellence than resource. Lot's of resource-y links on there.

Not specifically BDSM, but since consent is discussed amongst kinksters more than at the world at large (which is a tragic shame for the world at large), I recommend some yes means yes.

Since shopping comes up a lot, the stockroom, the collar factory, both highly recommended. Also /r/bdsmDIY for those who don't have the money for the high end stuff, or want to try out a new style of play before investing a couple hundred bucks on it.

Paper books I love:

• Douglas Kent's series on Shibari is the best intro-to-tying-up I've ever seen. TKB aren't shabby at all, but Kent teaches you much more in the way of fundamentals, and less made-to-order harnesses/wraps that are only usable in total or not at all (Kent's books tend to have a very long section at the beginning teach all of the basics, not just specific knots, then the harnesses he suggests are merely combinations of those smaller building blocks).
  
  
• Taramino's Ultimate Guide to Kink has a great sampler platter of kinks - I haven't met someone yet that didn't find something in there they haven't tried / wanted to know more about / found exciting enough to bring up with a partner. It's a great read, and informative.
  
  That a start?

You could see if the guy you like is open to a non-monogamous relationship. I've found that monogamy doesn't work for me, so I warn guys that I date that I only do open relationships. If they're fine with that, great! If not, we're not wasting each other's time. I've been with my current boyfriend for seven years now. I agreed to a few months of monogamy at the beginning when we were first getting to know each other (but was very open from before our first date about wanting an open relationship), and at four months in I told him I liked him and would be happy to be in a relationship, but not at the cost of staying monogamous. He agreed to the open relationship and I've never had to hide anything from him whether it was a one night stand or a friend with benefits, and he also shares with me when he's interested in someone else and I do what I can to be his wingman. He's shy though, so I've done the vast majority of sleeping around.

If you're going to go this route, I recommend reading up on non-monogamy and polyamory. The Ethical Slut is a good book on the topic. Even if you don't want a polyamorous relationship, the poly community has done a lot of writing on balancing multiple partners of different commitment levels and their different needs and has put a heavy focus on how to communicate with your partners and with yourself to minimize jealousy and make sure everyone feels respected and has an active role in their relationships.

I forgot to mention a book that really helped me and my husband with boundaries (and my husband isn't much of a reader of self-help literature). We each grew up with a PD parent, so we need help!

When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control/dp/0310351804/ref=dp_ob_title_bk

It is Christian-based, which would automatically have made me reject the book (because I don't like Bible-thumping), but actually it totally changed my mind about the morals and ethics of setting boundaries. We must, say the authors, in order to grow personally and spiritually ourselves, and to make sure others are free to do the same. They say boundary-stompers must be stopped, and we must stop them.

It is great, I promise! I re-read it every time I feel guilty about my mother, which is a lot, and get a boost of confidence every time. I've had it on my bookshelf for at least a decade. The guilt and manipulation of a PD parent is fierce. This book's concepts is like garlic for that.

My husband and I liked their other book, "Safe People" just as much, but I don't find it on Amazon. It is here:
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/p/safe-people-henry-cloud/1101957885/2679450583166?st=PLA&sid=BNB_DRS_Core+Catch-All,+Low_00000000&2sid=Google_&sourceId=PLGoP79700&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI16vy1rGc2gIVnkoNCh1REQo1EAQYAyABEgL5uPD_BwE

My husband read Safe People in one sitting and announced his mother wasn't a safe person, and immediately totally changed the way he relates to her--which saved our marriage and family. He LOVED the Biblical stuff because his mother used to use Christian values as a bludgeon whenever she wanted her way over everyone else's. This stopped that.

The first thing you should do is tell someone and try to get help. It’s actually great that your parents suspect that you’re depressed and have talked to you about it because the hardest thing about depression is just being able to talk about it with someone. Your parents can help you get set up with a therapist or a counselor to talk through things. Since you’re 18 you can also try to do those things yourself, but the most important thing you can do is definitely seeing someone about it.

If you don’t feel comfortable pursuing outside help I have a couple ideas. One thing you can do is PM me at any time and I’ll be happy to talk to you. I’m 10 years older and have been in your place. Another is to find a good book about all this. I think one of the best is called Feeling Good. It’s the only book that has been acknowledged as an effective treatment for depression. I would be happy to buy a copy and send it to you if you don’t want to pay for it.

I notice you didn’t actually say that you are depressed, but based on my own personal experience of struggling with some of these things over the last 10 years, and on some of the things you’re saying, I know you have some degree of depression. The thing is, that’s absolutely fine and nothing to be ashamed of. Once you ID it and know that it’s there, you can try to understand it and begin to deal with it. Don’t worry too much about labeling yourself though—you risk having your depression become your identity, when really you are so much more complicated than that, in the best possible way.

I don’t think your parents are trying to judge, or label you. Parents feel so helpless to provide for their children when they reach your age. They see you doing things and they have no control over it, and they worry, because they can’t just make it all better by being your mom and dad anymore.

Also, don’t panic about this idea of “straying from society” or becoming a recluse. You’re 18 at the moment, and life is long and abundant. If TagPro is what makes you happy right now you can keep on doing that and enjoy it in the moment. You also have to keep in mind that TagPro won’t always be here and that this could end at any time. It’s good to try and find as many things that you like to do as possible. 18 is an age where everyone is telling you who you are and what you should be, when you don’t even know yourself. How could you possibly know? How could anyone? All you can do is do things you like and live your life and hope you find it along the way. I only know a couple of people who are doing the thing that they thought they’d be doing at 18.

Just hang tough, stay positive, and find someone to talk to.

>How can I start nipping that behavior in the bud with her? Any advice is welcome.

You can't change her. Thankfully, you can change you(ie your response).

To poorly quote another redditer,"Boundaries are something you do FOR yourself, not TO someone else. ". It sounds like you are primed to set some boundaries. I would highly recommend reading the book, but here is some advice based on my experience.

It is good that you are done. That is a great starting point! Sit down and make a list of what you don't like about interactions with your Mom (this can also help later if the fog decends). Then make a list of what you are willing to give her (time, money, energy, social engagement, etc), and what is too much. Decide on these boundaries when you are in a calm and clear headspace.

Next, comes the hard part, enforcing those boundaries. Don't let your self give in, especially when the heat is on. You have set rules for your self and will follow them. Support your own good in following these healthy boundaries that you set. Have compassion for yourself as you struggle with this. Remember that humans can change, but it takes time. You can do this.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

You are very, very harsh on yourself. This is understandable, because like many people coming from an abusive home, you probably weren't talked to with love and kindness, so you could never learn to talk to yourself in a gentle, kind, respectful, loving way. Being this harsh with oneself is a telltale symptom of deep emotional wounds that need to heal. Please don't beat yourself up so much. You have accomplished a LOT. You have quit an abusive home where you grew up. This in itself is already quite amazing. You are independent, you have a job (however shitty). You pay your bills. You have gotten help, medications you need to function at this moment, and you've managed to not drink for a YEAR so that these medications could work correctly. This is huge. You have the persistence to show up at an AA meeting every Friday despite how hard things are. And yes, you have a bit of an internet addiction problem, because hell, you need SOMETHING to dull the pain, and yeah, it sucks, but there are so many addictions which are much worse. I'm not saying you should condone your surfing problem, but do give credit where credit is due. I know you say you "hate yourself so fucking much" at this moment, but this can change. You're not hate material ! This hate, it's not yours. This comes from your troubled childhood ; these hating, harsh, unkind voices, are not yours : they are your abusers'. In order to improve your life, including the internet issue, there are wounds that need to heal. The best way I know of is with the help of a compassionate, competent therapist (shop around ! Not all therapists are like this, and it really pays to take the time to find one you feel truly comfortable with). If this is too expensive or overwhelming at the moment, there are a couple of books that come to mind which may help you look at yourself in a different, kinder way. "In the realm of hungry ghosts", an amazing book about addiction by Gabor Maté comes to mind, and also maybe "Finding your own North Star" by Martha Beck. I'm sure there are many others.

You are very frustrated with your life at this moment, but clearly you haven't given up. You haven't "accepted" this life as your future. You need a couple more skills to advance (mostly about learning to manage your emotions, in my opinion) but you're getting close. Take a little break on the harsh, insulting self-talk for a while (it's not working very well anyway, is it ? ;) and let your frustrated, wounded self breathe a bit while you figure all this out. Make a little truce with yourself, if you will. Honestly, I think it's not going to be easy, but you have a fair chance of healing and moving closer to the life you would like to live. Take things one step at a time. Best luck to you.

I've looked into this quite a bit myself, psychology/biology background here with lots of readings of anthropology. There are many ways in which humans can order their societies, and it's quite typical for every culture to believe its way is not only the best and most sensible, but natural - "the way things are."

This is a touchy topic, and one that is dangerous to talk about because of the inherent risk of questioning deeply-held values within a culture. Many things are taboo, but I think it's worthwhile to try to understand who we are as human beings, and part of that will have been shaped by our history - evolutionary as well as culturally. There are many myths out there about love and sex, and they can cause lots of pain and heartache. In general it's worth examining beliefs to ferret out ideas that exist at the expense of humans, and discard those that have more costs than benefits.

By far the best survey on the subject is a recent book called Sex at Dawn. If you are interested in the topic, I suggest reading it - I've come across many of the things talked about in the book from other sounds sources, and the book is impressive. It's scientific and evidence-based, and the authors take great care with the subject because they know it's touchy. It's also pretty damn entertaining and written at a very accessible level for having such detailed information.

Dude, you are actually genuinely lucky. Please, take it from me, as a man who has to endure a wife who went from 170 to 270. She was pretty before, but much less so now. You are absolutely correct there is a dark side, which is all of the male attention.

​

Remember this at all times: SHE CHOSE YOU. Every day she is continuing to choose you. You are doing something right that she really cares about.

​

Here is a to do list to help out:

1. Learn how to do kegels excercises (do a band excercise and then do kegels at the same time. A side effect I have noticed is the increased hardness of my erections and the longer staying power. While your dick might be numb after the first time, you can continue the action until she finishes.
   
2. How to say no. This book will help keep her feeling secure and that you care about her.
   
3. How to deal with why you don't believe in yourself.
   
4. Here is a hands down best book on sex ever. Seriously, you can read the first chapter and apply it immediately. It is all about changing your mindset. Get better at sex. (NSFW)
   
5. Your charisma could use improvement. Constant compliments become meaningless. Solution: Learn Charisma. I have done this course and is helping to change my life for the better.

Some basic recommendations:

https://www.amazon.com/Definitive-Book-Body-Language-Expressions/dp/0553804723/ref=cm_cr_srp_d_product_top?ie=UTF8

https://www.amazon.com/What-Every-BODY-Saying-Speed-Reading/dp/0061438294/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=ll1&linkId=bd2c9af18031113249e398f82105631e&tag=mysoccom-20

Understanding body language is extremely important. Being able to read other people will give you a tremendous advantage in communication. It can also help you to police your own body language so you're not doing stuff that puts people off, and also so that you communicate in ways that makes them feel comfortable.

As for direct communication... Honestly, I learned most of that from a very good teacher of speech (as in, giving speeches) and from a friend who is quite ugly but does extremely well with women. Self-perception is a lot more important than people think. How you perceive yourself translates into you how present yourself. That takes more work, of course, but knowing this is a good place to start with that.

I also got a great deal from a book on emotional intelligence, but I can't remember what it was called and it was a library loan, so I don't even have it on my bookself to look it up. But I'd say look for books on that topic, as well. I did a quick look and found this one is highly recommended:

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0974320625/ref=sspa_dk_detail_1?psc=1

As for websites, there's a lot out there. I'd just Google and see what strikes your fancy.

Good luck with it. In my personal estimation, the body language was the single most helpful thing I've studied. I use it constantly now, and it's just second nature to "read" people.

You give good hints, but I personally don't think a restaurant is the place to go to if you want to find out if a girl likes you or not.

Just think about it, there is a whole table full of stuff acting as some kind of 'barrier' between you and the girl. This is "first official date" kind of stuff where you don't have to figure these things out anymore.

I'm not the biggest expert on dating myself, but it's always good to not have such a barrier, and it's also better when you can see her legs. Is she sitting relaxed or does she take defensive/nervous postures? Do her feet point to you or the door? Is one of her feet constantly wipping up and down?

I read in a book on body language, either this one or this one, the former definitely having a chapter on flirting body language, that legs and feet are our most honest parts of the body, and think about it, it makes sense. You can lie with your face (e.g. poker face), with your hands (think of a liar who shows you his palms in a 'wasn't me' kind of way), but we rarely think about what our feet do.

I think that's why café are such popular "dating" places. You don't have to sit across a table, it's a relaxed setting and the seats are very comfortable. It's cheaper than a restaurant, too. When you're in a café you can try to sit next to her, or at least at ~90°.

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Now you've said the words that let me to start copy/pasting from my FAQ.

I have all of this saved for whenever someone asks for help getting started.
__

Here are a couple of beginner threads you might find useful:

I've never made mead before, but I want to. Tell me everything!

Beginner wanting some advice.

__

Getting Started

• You might want to start with the sidebar link, The Basics.
  
  
• Get a copy of The Compleat Meadmaker by Ken Schramm. It's due for an update, but it's still the densest source of meadmaking information out there. The biggest changes are probably that Ken no longer heats most of his musts at all, and he uses staggered nutrient additions. (I believe a Second Edition is in his schedule in the next couple of years.)
  
  
• I wrote a lot about yeast nutrition in mead here.
  
  
• There might be some extended information in this post I made to /r/mead.
  
  
• The BJCP Mead Exam Resource page has lots of good information, too.
  
  
• You can look over my entire recipe log, here. Later recipes are better documented. At some point I should probably go back and remove or update old recipes for people wishing to recreate them.
  
  
• Learn to use the mead calculator. Note that it does have a help page.
  
  
• Learn to use a hydrometer.
  
  
• Be wary of information more than 5-10 years old. Meadmaking has changed dramatically in the last decade!
  
  
• Read up on yeast strains. You can find information on each at its manufacturer's website, or retail websites. For example, here are the Lalvin strains. If you want to use a tried-and-true wine yeast strain, pick up some 71B-1122.
  
  __
  
  Here are some thoughts and general knowledge to help you make good decisions about which articles are trustworthy.
  
  
• Heating the must has fallen out of favor for many meadmakers. Some still do it, though, and recently there was a post here which strongly suggested that heated must meads have a fuller body, but less aroma. (I don't heat my honey.)
  
  
• If you aren't heating anything, it takes a while to mix in the honey, but it will dissolve eventually. A drill with a stirrer attachment is really handy.
  
  
• Don't ferment an X gallon mead in an X gallon carboy or bucket. Get a bucket that gives you about total mead + 1/5th volume of head space or more. (6, 7.9, and 2 gallon buckets are popular.) Rack it into the right sized container right after, or near the end of, fermentation.
  
  
• If you've brewed before, you know just how big of a difference the right yeast can make. Stay away from bread yeast.
  
  
• JAOM is a popular starter recipe, but it has some issues. If you do it, use a real wine yeast. D-47, Red Star Pasteur Champagn, 71B-1122 all work great. Use the orange zest and flesh. Get rid of as much pith/mesocarp as possible. Rack off of orange and spices after about a month.
  
  
• Mead musts are totally nutrient deficient. There really isn't any short answer for how to supplement the required nitrogen and micronutrients. Here (edit: fixed link) is a long answer that I wrote out of pure frustration. This also covers staggered nutrient additions to some degree.
  
  
• Mead benefits from aeration/degassing of the must for the first third to half of fermentation. Drill stirrers are useful for this, too.
  
  
• Using dry yeast, starters aren't necessary. Just pitch two packets (which are about $1 each!) for 5 gallons of must. Rehydrate your yeast every time. If you use a rehydration nutrient like Go-Ferm or Go-Ferm P.E., it makes a huge difference (for the better) in lag time. (For one gallon, you can use the whole packet, or half the packet.)
  
  __
  
  What Honey do I use? Where do I get it?
  
  Let's talk honey.
  
  Where do you guys get your honey?
  
  So where do you get your honey?
  
  Further questions about honey.
  
  What type of honey do you use?
  
  Honey Prices and Suppliers
  
  Where do you get your honey?
  
  Honey Acquisition
  

Dude, don't worry about it, i already told you once this but you do have to take care of yourself too.

Have you seen Schindler's List? If not, this analogy won't work, but if you have, remember at the end how he was agonizing over all the ones he couldn't save, despite the fact that he made a difference for many people that had no hope, and how much you wanted to tell him that it was OK, that he had done not just enough but far, far more? You're in his same position in a smaller scale

You have helped, you have made a difference out of the goodness in your heart, you need to rest and recover because there's one more people you have to take care of, and it's you, and you can't help anybody if you haven't helped this particular person. If/when you recover you can go back to helping people, but this one goes first. Just like in airplanes where they say that in case of decompression, if you have kids with you your priority is to put on your oxygen mask first before your kids, because if you pass out you won't be able to help anybody. Same principle.

Look for this book in your school library (you can also get it on Kindle, used on Amazon for less than 3 bucks and it's also in those rascally torrent sites). Read it, and use it. It will be of your interest that one of the chapters relates how the author uses these same techniques to stay sane in the hard mode version of what you're going through.

Take it easy, dude. And be well

I had a pretty RP two weeks. They are of course mundane events (as the OP suggests), but big for me nonetheless, as I'm only about two months into TRP and Game.

• I got complimented out-of-the-blue by a female friend and (later) by a random girl on my standing posture. I've always been a sloucher, and since I started TRP and Game, I've been working on it.
  
• I got my brother into TRP stuff; he was in disbelief, but I gave him a well-planned (on my part) list of readings (a lot of sidebar stuff), and now he is on board.
  
• I finally made out with a female friend that I was always close to but never physical with. Sure making out isn't huge, but I was stuck for three years trying to make moves. I was (am) always physically attractive to her, but I was too beta to make a move. I'll see her again soon, and hopefully finish what I started.
  
• I gave MMSLP to a recently married close guy friend. He just began it, and he loves it so far. His wife isn't super against it either; she's apparently willing to see how it goes after he's implemented the strategies in the book.
  
• I broke all my weightlifting PRs. It's not red pill, but I'm proud.
  
• I became good friends with two guys that I used to think (in my beta days) were "misogynistic, womanizing scumbags." Turns out, I was a beta bitch, and they're super cool guys.

OK, I got a few minutes free. So let's start with the stuff you're mentioning specifically about standing up for yourself. That is definitely a good piece of this puzzle to bring into awareness and try to solve for yourself. It will be a huge long term benefit to you to work on, and eventually to the people around you (although they may not end up being the same people that you run with now).

An expert on manipulative and abusive behavior talking about popular misconceptions about what drives the kinds of things you might be seeing in some of the people in your life: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uBfvbWRDZN4&list=PLePFb3rlFbw5Z8NWX6h44RgkSeRLPHu6g&index=2 (huge playlist but the first 1-2 videos are a good intro to his line of thinking).

By far the best written resource I've ever found on what boundaries are, how to hold them, different ways we can take the wrong approach to them and how to correct that: https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control/dp/0310351804/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1527274601&sr=8-1&keywords=boundaries. It's written from a Christian perspective, which for the record is not my belief system, but I still found it extremely useful. It was actually a bit healing for me to read this and regain some potential for respect for people in that community, seeing that there are Christian people who are actually doing this work and making it a part of their life to stand up to abuse, as opposed to the people I grew up with who tended to be overly publicly religious while silent and cowardly in the face of anyone actually mistreating anyone else in the here and now.

My fav youtube channel with a scientifically robust treatment of this stuff: https://www.youtube.com/user/sppwebmaster/videos. For my particular issues, which might or might not match yours, these two videos in particular were each well worth an hour when you've got it:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cU33PLAtSOA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6sbYIKC7-Tw

Plus as an American I find Aussie accents entertaining and easy to listen to. :)

Introvert who likes to dance here.

Honestly, you sound judgmental and condescending. It's okay for you to not like these things, but it's absolutely fine for your girlfriend to enjoy them. There is nothing morally wrong with getting drunk and dancing to loud music with a bunch of your friends.

Are you afraid of her cheating on you or something? Are you afraid of feeling "lame" or left out? Then you need to say that directly, not go on an insulting passive aggressive rant. A decent girlfriend can enjoy dancing and support their partner who doesn't enjoy it (and, you know, not cheat, etc.)

Trust and strong communication skills are essential to healthy relationships.

I can actually bring up some recommended reading!
Nonviolent Communication and Taking the War Out of Our Words are both excellent books on clear and effective communication and I can't recommend them enough.

I'm sorry if I've come across as harsh, but your words were pretty harsh, too. In order to feel more secure in your connection to your partner, you're going to have to trust them enough to feel safe opening up to them.

I do hope this helps.

For actual pregnancy, I loved the American college of obstetrics and gynecology's book and I know a lot of people loved the mayo clinic book.


Planning for Pregnancy, Birth And Beyond: Second Revised Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/0525941401/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_PLZHAbPZ6V85C


Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy: From Doctors Who Are Parents, Too! https://www.amazon.com/dp/1561487171/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_tMZHAbRTF0RMQ


I also read what to expect when your expecting but it was a lot of the same info in my apps, except the actual birth and labor part. There was some helpful stuff in there!


For laboring I read Ina May's guide to Childbirth and I LOVED it. I feel SO prepared after reading it!


Ina May's Guide to Childbirth https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553381156/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_VNZHAbQ7T2S9D


I tried to read

Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way https://www.amazon.com/dp/0452276594/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_HOZHAbRC89D39


But I couldn't take it seriously!


And for breastfeeding I read


The American Academy of Pediatrics New Mother's Guide to Breastfeeding (Revised Edition): Completely Revised and Updated Third Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/0399181989/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_9PZHAbSMPXVX9


And for baby feeding and sleeping I read


On Becoming Baby Wise: Giving Your Infant the Gift of Nighttime Sleep https://www.amazon.com/dp/1932740139/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_JQZHAbS5P7824

First off, don't do anything just to satisfy other people. More often than not, they don't actually have your best interests in mind (even if they themselves think they do.) One of the greatest strengths we as introverts have is the fact that we don't need the external validation in the same way as extraverts do. In that sense, we're independent in a way our extraverted counterparts are not.

If you have your own reasons for wanting to get out and about with other people (and not just the opinions and urgings of the people you reference), then and only then should you pursue such a course of action.

Seeking out other introverts to interact with could be an easy way to get out there. Introverts tend to just "get each other" in ways that make socializing feel natural and make you forget to "try" to be a good conversationalist. If you're wondering where to find other introverts, I'd recommend events which are about a subject or activity rather than about the people there. That is, gravitate toward crafting groups, conventions, book clubs, and such rather than parties, bars, clubs, mixers, etc. Also, groups which involve fewer people (or at least groups where you only end up interacting with a few people) are better.

Finally, I'd recommend you make some effort to find out what is good about being introverted. I honestly can't recommend the book The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World enough.

A therapist is going to be able to help you with this way more than anyone here (especially since apparently half the people here are suicidal). They're specifically trained for this kind of thing and can give you techniques, behaviors, medications etc. that are tailored just for your situation.

That said it sounds like your problem is concentrating on negative things. There are a lot of options to help with that. Mindfulness helps a lot and can be worked on with meditation. Keeping your life in general good order is another important step (exercise, sleep, nutrition, being social, keeping an active mind). After that I think the important thing is to identify what you really care about (your values) and stay busy working towards them. It's hard to be so negative when you're in the moment and things are going well in your life.

There are tons of books that can help too. Here's a fairly simple one that I enjoyed. Otherwise I'd recommend books on ACT therapy (e.g. "The Happiness Trap"), Stoicism (this one is good), Meditation ("Mindfulness in Plain English" is good and free), and CBT therapy (I like this one, though it's kinda long). "The Happiness Hypothesis" is another good overview type book.

So, this is a complex topic. You can certainly ask her to change her phrasing, and if she did that consistently, then the problem wouldn't surface anymore. But the problem isn't the way she phrases things, it's your reaction to your own interpretation of her phrasing that hurts you.

You can imagine someone else in the world who wouldn't mind her phrasing, or would even like it--for example, they might interpret it as active listening, like she's really involved in trying to understand what you're saying, and that feels good.

But even if you do interpret her phrasing the way you do, you also can choose your own reaction to it. Let's say you interpret it as disrespect. You can get angry or frustrated about being disrespected, but a different person might not be bothered in the slightest about being disrespected.

Professional counseling can help you with either of those intervention points, and with others as well.

But sure, it's perfectly possible and reasonable to ask your partner to help you by making a change--but notice how I said that. It's not about you controlling you them so they stop being bad. It's about you making a request of them to help you have an easier time even though it's not their fault or responsibility.

If you are interested in ideas like that, I VERY HIGHLY recommend this book: http://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Life-Changing-Relationships/dp/189200528X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1459293673&sr=8-1&keywords=nonviolent+communication

Good luck!

Well, I think that I've always known, even if I didn't know the name for it. The biggest change to my attitude about it came when I read the book The Introvert Advantage: How To Thrive In An Extrovert World which I recommend to all introverts. I think that I read it shortly after it came out, so I must have been in my low-30s at that point.

What it explained, and what I finally took to heart is:

1. The brain chemistry of introverts and extroverts are different. Introverts process everything through their logic and verbal circuits. Hence, we "think" about everything, and, thus, it takes more energy for us to be in any places that have a lot going on, like a party. Extroverts have a very tight "processing loop" so they get energy from being around people.
   
   
2. In spite of it being just a different kind of brain chemistry, Introversion has a negative connotation in language, and society. Being introverted is not thought of as a good thing. I dumped that unwarranted stigma from my own head at that point, and accepted it for what it really is. Introvert does NOT mean the following: Shy, anti-social, misanthropic, or even that you dislike parties.
   
   
3. Introverts recharge differently than extroverts. Extroverts do it when they get stimulation. Introverts get it doing quiet things. Rather than trying to be like an extrovert, where you are not getting what you need, recuperate the way you need to, the one that fits you. Every once in a while, I take a weekend day where I do nothing. Play video games. Read. Browse the internet. I don't always take off my pajamas on those days. I give myself space. I even SCHEDULE days where I have nothing going on when I can. If friends want to do something I say I have something else going on. And I take breaks when I feel like I want some quiet time, even during the day.
   
   
4. To deal with parties and social events, I often put a known time limit on my time with people (Like: I've got to go at 10) so I can match my energy to the event. And when I've had enough, I head out. And here's the key point: You don't owe anyone an explanation as to why you're going, if they ask. That's not their business. If they press, I just say: "I have to go." If I think that it'll be easier giving them something that they are satisfied with, I might say: "I have to finish something that's due tomorrow."
   
   If there's really interest in other things I've learned, I'd be happy to start a thread. I just can't right now.

Listen to your inner voice and trust your judgment. When we're putting "friend" in quotes we need to listen to ourselves and take ourselves seriously and really say "Hey, this person IS NOT a friend." And we need to start asking ourselves why we even hang out with them. Demoting them from friend to acquaintance might be helpful to get them officially out of the friend category.

One of the critical aspects of friendships is reciprocation. If they don't put into it what we do and the scales are significantly imbalanced, we should reassess our investment and consider pulling back significantly. This isn't taught to us in school or even by our parents. Just the "school of hard knocks" as they say. We have to learn it the hard way. So dial back your investment in this person. Both in time spent and emotional investment.

We interact with others based on our own values. We often want to to maintain being kind to even the people we struggle with. But that doesn't mean we have no defenses when we're being treated poorly. One thing anger does is help us identify when we're being messed with and should defend ourselves. Anger has energy associated with it and that is to help protect ourselves. That's why it's called part of the fight or flight system, in this case fight. So you can work on positive ways of expressing assertiveness. Another good communication tool to make sure we listen to others thoroughly and try not to let our own bias get in the way of what they are saying is active listening. Between active listening and assertiveness we can receive information and act on it in a positive way.

One of the quickest ways we can start applying this is by memorizing a solid stock phrase and practice applying it to the situations that come up. especially right there in the moment. A good one is something like "When you say , it makes me feel ." "When you put me down, (especially repeating their own words back at them), it makes me feel like you're saying I don't do good work (or whatever they are insinuating). Is that what you're intending with the statement you just made? Because that's the way it comes across." It's a way of turning their words back on them and making them responsible for what they way. Doing this in front of others, especially with a person who cowers at being called out can sometimes help modify their behavior. Especially if they tend to be hyper critical of your entire work team. Try to keep the context as tight as possible. We're just calling out the statement. We don't want it to devolve into open hostility or bring any other previous context or events into it. Keep it limited to the current situation. And if they start dragging other things in you can do the same, "I'm not talking about last week, I'm talking about what you just said right now." There are books like Difficult Conversations that are helpful with considering different scenarios.

If you meet that person in public and they are saying annoying things you can imagine a clear wall come up between you that helps keep their negative energy with them. Shoot that wall up as soon as you can remember it and practice playing with using it to muffle their energy and voice. If you have trouble letting to thinking about it there's a technique of imagining that person in a bubble. Imagine the bubble is made of strong material and enough to muffle their voice if you want it to. Slowly imagine it's walls getting thicker and you can't hear their voice. Then slowly start moving the bubble away. Further and further away until it's a dot on the horizon and then gone. Hope this helps. Hang in there!

Start doing stuff.

1. Brew some mead. it's easy. - https://www.amazon.com/Compleat-Meadmaker-Production-Award-winning-Variations/dp/0937381802 - Great book to start with. - https://www.goferment.com/blogs/recipes/91223107-joes-ancient-orange-mead - Or just do this first to see if you like it. Very very easy, and kinda fun.
   
   
2. Pick up a cheap instrument on craigslist - Guitar/keyboard/bass - and just start learning it. Use youtube video instructors as guides. Definitely don't skip learning scales and theory.
   
   
3. Camping. Become that guy that camps every weekend. Absorb how to camp best in life. Learn to pack tight, efficiently, and backpack into camping spots, whatever...
   
   
4. Fishing, very relaxing, and a huge skill cap. Since you liked competitive gaming, fishing is big.
   
   
5. I mean... since you were a hardcore gamer, what about Chess/Go? Join a local club, and discover another strategy game.

This is suuuper common, even among neurotypical people. In Feeling Good by Dr. Burns he refers to this as 'donothingism' and has a whole chapter full of ways to deal with it depending on your specific case. At the core of it is that you need to plan things, even if your plan is to watch a certain show or catch a nap then that is better than having a huuuge chunk of wide open time.

One potential cause for this is faulty assumptions about how much fun something will be. You try to think of things and decide they won't be worth it or that you won't enjoy yourself. Burns recommends an exercise where you note how you're feeling, then come up with an idea for something small to do. Write down the activity and then rate how much pleasure you think it will bring you on a scale of 1-100 (or 1-10 it's not a big deal either way). Go do the thing and then note how much pleasure you actually derived from it. This will help you objectively test the subjective thoughts that guide your behavior. This also works well if you think only certain things will be fun: going out with friends, doing something productive, etc. You can experiment and compare if you really do have more fun when you are with people or if it's simply having 'nothing to do' that is the not fun part.

Personally I like to have a book or other activity that I'm working on, which I can pick up whenever I have unstructured time and start to feel overwhelmed trying to pick something to do.

Absolutely no issues with flying during pregnancy. Some airlines restrict pregnant women from flying past ~36 weeks, but I think that's because they don't want you going into labor in their airplane cabin at 32,000 feet. After getting thru security, buy a bottle of water for your wife. I was on a 2-hour flight over Christmas and was dying of thirst waiting for the drink cart to come down the aisle. Also, give her the aisle seat if possible so she can walk the aisles periodically to keep the blood moving and access the bathroom quickly if needed.

As for books, I've read a lot of good ones. I've liked the Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy, and Elisabeth Bing's Six Practical Lessons for an Easier Childbirth and Ina May's Guide to Childbirth for info on labor and delivery, and The Happiest Baby on the Block and the Wonder Weeks for infant care. Also The Birth Partner is a great book on delivery for both pregnant women and husbands. If you can find a secondhand bookstore near you, check it out--a lot of people sell off these types of books once they're done with them.

Probably yes...
On a high level, I'd look on what actually drains energy from you vs how you recharge :-) but both would be very individual.

Especially that, everyone has some energy "store" and even a very introverted person, is able to handle most high stimulating situations in a way, nobody would notice it is sucking their energy. They will afterward need to take a rest for a while (knowing this preference one can plan their schedule accordingly).

Humans are more complex then only intro/extroverts... everyone would be somewhere in between of those two extremes - depending on how their brain and their nervous system reacts to external stimulus.

I think the most important is to understand yourself and build your life on what you have, and not to have a label. Knowing yourself, you can use a framework (like introversion/extroversion, or more detailed like MBTI) to add some structure to your self-awareness to make planning your life easier (I know I have like 90% characteristics of the INTP type and do plan accordingly).
Still, you shall be prepared that there won't be a 100% match with any type and, that you'll find in yourself, traits of several types.

To better understand what is introversion you may want to look into a book, explaining in more details how an introverted mind works and what suits introverts best... I'd suggest starting with Quiet by Susan Cain or The Introvert Advantage by Marti Olsen Laney

Take care.

On the second point of it being a choice or not, I can't believe that nobody's yet mentioned the mountains of scientific data that exist on the topic. This doesn't work for every person who proffers the "choice objection", but if they have any respect for the scientific method, all of these are important. Plus, it's important for you to be literate in these matters. Hell, it's important for everyone to be literate in these (and similar) matters of science, in my opinion, since topics like genetics and epigenetics are coming up more and more in legal contexts.

Sorry if this gets a bit long. There is a wealth of material on this. Which in and of itself is an important thing to note: this has been the subject of a lot of study, and we have gleaned information from that study, even if we don't understand it fully.

In short, give this sort of information to your sister, and her dick of a doctor. Let him dismiss this as "your feelings".

-------------------------------------------

GENETICS

The data are on the side of it being closely (but not exclusively) tied to genetic factors. They don't indicate that it is solely tied to these factors, but just a quick look at twin studies gives a pretty clear indication that there is a genetic factor to it (the rate of monozygotic twins who have the same orientation is far, far higher than the rate of any two PBAC (edit: particular but arbitrarily chosen, sorry, forgot that's not a common acronym) people from the population). The fact that the rate isn't approximately 100% is an indication that some other factor, epigenetic or environmental (which includes the prenatal environment), has some impact.

EPIGENETICS

On the epigenetic front there are also studies which seem to indicate some correlation.

PRENATAL ENVIRONMENT

There are multiple studies that have found this to be a major factor as well. Their findings are commonly called the older brother effect:

> The fraternal birth order effect is the strongest known biodemographic predictor of sexual orientation. According to several studies, each older brother increases a man's odds of having a homosexual orientation by 28–48%. The fraternal birth order effect accounts for approximately one seventh of the prevalence of homosexuality in men. There seems to be no effect on sexual orientation in women, and no effect related to the number of older sisters.

If you want to read the studies (or at least reports on the studies—not sure how many of the actual studies are published beind paywalls) more in-depth, just check the sources on the Wiki article.

OTHER ENVIRONMENTAL CAUSES

All of the above tend to fall into the area of what average people think of as "nature" when talking about "nurture vs. nature". As you can see, as usual, there's more than a bit of a grey area in between that choice that's presented as a binary. That's not to say that there is no room for any of the environmental factors we tend to think of as strictly "nurture", i.e., human interactions and early childhood development, but generally studies seem to indicate that after about three years of age, there is little to nothing that seems to have any effect on sexual orientation, and I think most people would have trouble arguing that a child of that age consciously chooses a sexual orientation.

FURTHER READING

There's a lot out there, but here are a few that I'd recommend on various fronts:

Virtually Normal — Andrew Sullivan - A serious of four common cultural positions on homosexuality, then a fifth synthesis of them (Sullivan's personal view). Helpful for understanding the various arguments made.

What the Bible Really Says About Homosexuality — Daniel A. Helminiak — A (semi) former Caholic Priest and multiple Ph.D.-holder discusses the pertinent verses in the book in cultural and linguistic context. A good book for religious parents, though it will probably hold more weight with mainline protestants and Catholics who generally don't go in for so-called "literal" readings of English Bibles.

Sex at Dawn — Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá — A mostly anthropological (as far as I know) investigation of human sexuality over history and prehistory. Not exclusively about homosexuality. I have not read this one yet, but I've heard the authors interviewed several times about it, and it seems like it would be worth it. It's on my to-read list.

--------------------------------------------------------

HOMOSEXUALITY IN ANIMALS

Another frequent objection brought by those who use the objection of "it's a choice" is the "it's not natural" objection. I don't want to go too far into that, but to anyone paying attention, it's pretty clearly and definitively natural.

For more reading on the topic, see Evolution's Rainbow, which is basically a field guide to gay sex in the animal kingdom. It is a fairly thick book.

-------------------------------------------------------

EDIT:

TL;DR

Well, I'm not going to be so self-important as to say you should read every word I've written (though I think you should read my sources). There is a cartoon that sums a lot of this up. This is taken from a longer film called For the Bible Tells Me So.

I would always recommend people start with 'The Compleat Meadmaker, by Ken Schramm'. This has been the meadmaking bible for a very long time. You can find supplementary information about staggered nutrient additions, pH buffering compounds, new sanitizers, etc online in various articles and forum sites. Of course, understanding your ingredients can also be very good for any brewer, and water is a huge ingredient. So besides the other element series book 'Yeast' by Christ White and Jamil Zainasheff I highly recommend 'Water' by John Palmer and Colin Kaminski. For those of us making mead in Ferndale, our water is a very key ingredient which comes to us from an underground aquifer treated by the city of Ferndale, and is of very high quality (even compared with the high quality water from the City of Detroit). Understanding honey is a huge area of study. There are many classic textbooks on honey and honey-hunting by Eva Crane that are considered primary sources (but these can be prohibitively expensive for most mazers, and honestly, Ken's book does an awesome job of summarizing her contributions, as well as other historical information about meadmaking, honey, etc). I feel a basic understanding of beekeeping can be highly instructive for meadmakers, and so I recommend that you get your hands on some beginner beekeeping books, e.g. 'Beesentials' by L.J. Connor and Robert Muir and/or the 'Beekeeper's Handbook'. A solid background in wine or beer-making doesn't hurt, either, and there are multitudes of books I can recommend to you on the subject of beer specifically (this is my homebrewing background). My two absolute must-haves for beer brewing are 'Designing Great Beers' by Ray Daniels and 'Brewing Classic Styles' by John Palmer and Jamil Zainasheff. Learning to brew beer can help you if you decide you want to try your hand at braggots.

Yessir, that's a good way of putting it.

>May I ask how you worked on your social skills and networking?

Absolutely! First I read a bunch of books and articles, which I'll list for you below. Second I got a job that requires a lot of social interaction. And third I made a very dedicated effort to do more social things.

(Wow, I didn't realize how large this list was going to be. So I'm going to very highly recommend the first three books and just say that everything else is going to be beneficial, but not really necessary. You don't have to go nearly as deep as I did to get good results.)

How to Win Friends and Influence People
How to Talk to Anyone
What EveryBODY is Saying

---
Never Eat Alone
The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense
Argumentation and Debate
What to Say When You're Dying on the Platform
The Quick and Easy Way to Effective Speaking
The Art of Framing
This article
This documentary on body language
This video on body language
This ebook
/r/socialskills
This website
This video
This video
This video
A lot of Craig Ferguson interviews (especially the lady ones)
Etiquette

Wow, so many angry knee jerk responses on both sides of this topic. Unsurprising, of course, but unproductive too.

I would imagine the "why" varies for everybody, but since OP correctly notes that there are a whole lot of people with their own individual "why"s, I'd recommend picking up a copy of Sex at Dawn if you're interested in some general explanations. The short answer (well, so far as that book was able to support) is that we're frankly not well built for life long pair bonding. We instituted it as a social structure to facilitate familial land ownership, we've always kind of sucked at it, and we're not very self aware about that even though the evidence is literally overwhelming. Which is not to say nobody manages to be happy with it, but it's very clear a lot of people don't.

Seems to me the best thing is just to be honest with the people you love. If you're not happy, be honest. If you're attracted to someone else, be honest. If you want change, be honest. Present yourself as you are and give them the chance to respond however they choose, and ask them to do the same with you.

There are happy marriages out there (or at least ones that claim to be) with "understood" affairs. There are poly relationships. Lots of things exist and different things work for different people. (Check out TheBeautifulKind.com - NSFW - sometime.) It's dishonesty and deception that rightly register as betrayal and hurt people so badly that they can't trust again.

Good luck out there.

Complicated answer that depends on context.

I would go read "How to win friends and influence people"

But heres also a quick step by step guide

1. First you must really ask yourself if you want more friends and to be more social. If you can say "I want to have more active social life" then proceed.
   
   
2. Read some material like the one I posted.
   
   
3. Location/Place/Time matters a lot here though. If you are in college/High School, join some clubs and try to talk to people in general. Asking/remembering their name is actually a big plus here. If you are unemployed living with you parents and are older then 20+ you have bigger issues you need to address and look into those first. If you are an adult with your own apartment, this can be the hardest place to make friends. I still would recommend looking around your city for clubs, meetups, events or even someone from work.
   
   
4. Remember two things. People love to talk about themselves, and finding things in common with people is the quickest way to get to know them. Start the conversation with simple questions, in til you get them to tell you a story. Just smile and listen to their story, then comment positively on the story. Keep searching for thing you can relate to and bring it up when they stumble across one in their talking. Rinse and repeat.
   

You are good looking, maybe can change your haircut, but definitely are handsome and will get more handsome as time goes on. What is probably pulling you back right now with the ladies is posture and body language. May I recommend this book: http://www.amazon.com/Definitive-Book-Body-Language/dp/0553804723

It gave me great confidence and made me think about what I look like to others. It helped a LOT with the ladies.

It's approximately 2-3 pounds of honey to a gallon of water, or a 5 gallon batch is 10-15. For a 5 gallon batch, the rule of thumb I heard is every pound of honey adds approximately 1% ABV. Example: a one gallon batch with 2 lbs honey is equivalent to a 5 gallon batch with 10 lbs of honey, or a mead at 10%. But this doesn't account for if you want it to be sweet.

Also: 1 gallon of honey weighs approximately 12 pounds. So a 5 gallon batch of mead using 12 pounds of honey comes out to 1 gallon of honey and 4 gallons of water.

Every time your honey gets processed (Def'n processed: heated above 160'F), you lose the honey flavor. It's up to you to decide your final priorities, but to be perfectly frank, I'm cheap and use cheap, over processed honey. I make up for this by picking tasty recipes (JAO, or Orange vanilla cinnamon metheglin which is easily my favorite so far.) The honey I use is Sue Bee, 6 lbs for ~$11 at Save Mart ($1.83 /lb, the cheapest I've seen.)

The flavor of the honey to use depends a lot on the recipe. Some call for a specific honey.

There are a lot of people on here (/r/homebrewing) that insist that sanitizing your honey/water by boiling them is unnecessary. If/when I'm in a hurry (a bad idea), the most I do is sanitize whatever ingredients are going in. Quick trick that I've been meaning to try is to soak whatever it is in as little vodka as possible.

If you happen to live in the Bay Area, there's this excellent honey they sell at Save-Mart (might be sold elsewhere in the country, I've never been able to figure that out.) The honey is something like "Raw mountain" something. I don't have any handy. It comes in a 5 pound can, with a large yellow sticker across the front. Usually about $15, but I've seen it on sale for $12.

Yeast: Depends on what you want, really. Champagne yeast will go up to 18%, some say 20 if you push it. If you want it sweet, you'll either need a weaker yeast or some way to kill the yeast. I've only ever used champagne yeast (EC-1118, will eat anything), but then, I don't have a very delicate touch.

This book is definitely recommended.

And really, come see us in /r/mead. It's a lonely subreddit. The last post was 4 days ago. And feel free to ask questions.

One thing I've learned about mead: there are a few dozen categories of mead. Almost every culture has invented their own. Just figure out what you like. And experiment. Experimentation is the best, especially when you end up with some mead.

I'm sorry, it sounds like they didn't handle or honor your feelings like they could/should have, and trust me when I say that you deserve to have your feelings recognized and cherished! Even the dark and painful ones.

You absolutely have every right to feel what you do, no one can tell you that your feelings are wrong. It sounds like this was a very toxic and one-sided relationship, and you deserve far more care and recognition than that!

If you haven't already, please read The Secondary's Bill of Rights here, and I've heard that the book, More Than Two outlines a lot of ways that communication in polyamory (and relationships in general) can go wrong.

You can download the kindle app for PC free onto your computer (or even read books from your browser), and read books from there.

Some people can't handle sharing, and when they can't handle sharing AND can't handle communicating this in a direct and healthy manner, things get ugly. Fast.

Please believe me when I say that you did nothing wrong in falling in love, or in being hurt when that love was denied you. From what you said it sounds like you tried to be the best and most supportive person you could in your circumstances, and You can own your feelings without shame. It also sounds like you need a BUTT-TON of self love and self care right now, so draw yourself lots and lots of bubble baths and eat all the comfort food you want and wear your comfiest socks whenever you want. Period.

hugs I know things are hard for you and maybe these words are little comfort, but please take care of yourself, and know that you definitely deserve better from the people in your life, poly or whatever.

It starts with they way you walk and carry with yourself. If you're walking with your shoulders forward, scrunched up, head down staring at the ground; you look like a victim and will be treated as one by predators. I don't like it or agree with it but that's how the world works.
Keep your head up looking far down the street, shoulders back, ready for anything to come at you.
A great book on the subject is the Definitive Book of Body Language by Pease.

https://www.amazon.com/Definitive-Book-Body-Language-Expressions/dp/0553804723

Edit: I'm not a big guy or anything, 5'11" 160, nothing spectacular (grew up short and fat so I know both sides), but I walk with confidence and purpose and don't get messed with...I am also willing to back it up physically of need be. Hope that helps! Feel free to pm me if you'd like

Honestly, talk to him. That's the best way to figure this out. If you don't want the relationship to end then tell him that, but at the same time tell him how you truly feel about the situation.
Maybe you guys can start an open relationship if both of you are in the same boat. It seems you both like each other, but let's be honest, sometimes we want to fuck other people and that's okay!

And tell your brother to stay away from your man if you feel like it!

I highly recommend these books:
· Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships https://www.amazon.com/dp/157344295X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_KUJACb1TCC91K

· The Ethical Slut, Third Edition: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love https://www.amazon.com/dp/0399579664/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_iVJACbHYG8XA0

It sounds like your friend's problem is less that she's a naive person and more that she has poor boundaries. Boundaries are what let us become angry, to say "no," and to fight back when an injustice is committed against us. Sometimes defending a boundary is something small like refusing a "perfectly reasonable, small" request that you don't want to fulfill, and sometimes it's something important like macing someone who's sexually assaulting you. Without an understanding of where her boundaries lie and how to defend them, your friend will be unable to avoid "being taken advantage of."

Therapy is always my recommendation for this, because poor boundaries are usually a symptom of some other problems. But your friend can probably benefit from a book like Boundaries which I haven't read but seems to be a highly regarded text on the techniques of identifying and defending boundaries. The sample excerpts on Amazon convince me it's worth reading and probably just what your friend may find useful. Please note; as an atheist, I find the religious elements of the book useless and possibly unpleasant, but despite constantly appealing to the Bible the authors nonetheless use the language of Christianity to describe a pretty solid model of boundaries- even to an extent that I think they offer a very useful correction that all churches should read.

If, like me, you prefer to avoid strong religious tones, you may prefer Stop Walking On Eggshells, which is mostly a book about dealing with a loved one with personality disorders. But the techniques of dealing with personality disorders are almost entirely techniques of defending boundaries, so about half the book talks about what to do and how to do it.

Yeah, time to find evidence merits serious skepticism. It could be wishful thinking. To be fair life is busy and it's not a topic I would hoard info on, and I already don't recall info well. I think I said I'm LDS - this point isn't one of ours (just mine), but we've got serious interpretation issues that go back to the Nicean Creed, like 300A.D. The orthodox/Catholic split and Protestant fracturing and Martin Luther and you know the rest - it's just a big mess and all have to be partly wrong. A running joke among some lds is that you can argue the trinitarian doctrine more effectively with a misread of the Book of Mormon than with the Bible.


I think what matters to me more is what's true pragmatically. If it works in the long run, it's true. There are a lot of things in my faith that seem crazy externally, but they consistently result in correct predictions (Family Proclamation gave our stance on recent&new issues in 1995) and have the best possible outcomes. (As one piece of evidence, this week Pew Research put us on top in marriage.) http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2018/03/19/share-of-married-adults-varies-widely-across-u-s-religious-groups/


Maybe I'm wrong on Jesus, but I feel my interpretation works far better pragmatically. That and the idea that there are 2 different Jesus approaches opens you to picking the more convenient one at the time, even if it justifies atrocity. <Insert Petersonian Postmodernism rant> lol.


...


Ah, I didn't know you were talking about day-to-day shadow integration.


There's a little red book called "Crucial Conversations" I highly recommend to you. Was course material in a college course and it nailed how to handle difficult situations and people fantastically. Link for convenience.


https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0071771328/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1521769430&sr=1-2&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&keywords=crucial+conversations%27


I think proper shadow integration from what i mentioned before and now this communicatively can be summed up by the verse "be wise as serpents, but harmless as doves". I think this book might be one fragment of wisdom on how.

I felt really depressed towards the end of the first and beginning of the second trimester, but I managed to perk up and have been feeling pretty great ever since. The thing that actually helped me was I started knitting again. It was something that I could do to "prepare" for the baby, but it wasn't urgent (no pressure) and it wasn't physically demanding. Finishing the first little hat gave me a sense of accomplishment and helped me finally get excited about the baby.

Is there any little tasks you can do to start getting ready for the baby that aren't too physically or mentally demanding? Even just going online and buying a few outfits or starting to work on your registry could help you have something positive and productive to focus on. You could even start writing up a tentative birth plan or reading some positive birth stories (I really recommend Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Childbirth or even watching her ted talk).

Search Inside Yourself: The Unexpected Path to Achieving Success, Happiness (and World Peace) by Chade-Meng Tan. This was a great book on the importance of mindfulness and emotional intelligence.

The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing by Marie Kondo. Helped me get on the path to decluttering my life.

No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover helped me to stop seeking approval from others and insuring my own needs are met.

Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion by Robert B. Cialdini. A good introduction to social psychology.

These are just a few I've read in the past few years that have helped me. Good luck!

Have you read 'Will I ever be good enough?'

I saw mention of this book in this sub, and it is full of information that will strike deep a the heart of everything you're going through. Personally, I'm still in recovery, but I've been where you are with feeling worthless and suicidal. It doesn't have to be this way.

You're right. You ARE strong. You CAN overcome and even forgive, but you have to get through acceptance first. Please consider the book I mentioned, Amazon has a nice pre read available. I really think it will be worth your time.

Best of luck honey. You're never alone. We've all been through this. Come back to this sub whenever you need help. We will be here.

I tend to do pretty well with pain in general, and it really was like intense period cramps; but I had also done lots of mental prep for labor pain in particular. A great resource for me was Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, which helped me frame the pain of labor contractions in a productive, actually kind of beautiful way. I mentioned thinking of them as waves--well, I grew up on a farm, so I visualized them a lot in advance as waves of wind through wheat fields; and I love trees, so I connected the idea of labor to the breezes waving through the branches--especially during woodsy walks. In general, whenever I was walking and things got uncomfy or having Braxton-Hicks, I did those kinds of visualizations as well as deep breathing with my intentions directed toward labor practice. Additionally, I really connected with the pregnancy and birth stories from various religions, so my labor preparation and expectations were deeply spiritual for me too. I think that prep helped me not do any second guessing during the real deal. Funnily, my midwife applauded my physical control and bodily self-knowledge afterwards, but I've actually got a history of feeling disconnected from and out of control of my body, with some out of body experiences since childhood and some chronic pain issues--however, I did some major mental work with those issues during my pregnancy, so that probably helped too.

I did not have to visit the hospital, thankfully! My SO said my midwife was making some concerned faces towards the end, and she admitted she thought she might have to do an episiotomy--but she didn't, though I had three 1st degree tears that she stitched. I've had a UTI this past week, but that's as complicated as it has gotten, thankfully!

I hope the additional info helps!

Each situation is going to be different so specific advice would be difficult. What I can do is point you towards some polyamory resources.

There are three books, all with excellent advice, that you will see recommended in most poly circles, [The Ethical Slut] (http://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut.../dp/1587613379/), [Opening Up] (http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating.../dp/B0097DDYR2/), and [More Than Two] (http://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two.../dp/0991399706/). My personal favourite is More Than Two but they're all pretty good.

One of the writers of "More Than Two" has [a website] (http://www.morethantwo.com/).

The polyamory forum on Reddit (/r/polyamory ) is full of wonderful and helpful people if you want to talk, ask questions, or if you need any specific advice.

I hope this helps give you a good start.

That is really exciting! Good luck :)

I have a variety of experiences I could share but I'm not sure what's relevant so I'll give some general advice first. Probably the most important thing is to communicate openly about your needs, desires, and boundaries. Especially the two of you who are already in a relationship. If you start to experience negative feelings about the situation, don't hide that on account of thinking you "shouldn't" feel that way. When you talk it through with a partner you can often find a way to work through those emotions.

Make sure you agree ahead of time, before the opportunity presents itself, about any limits on sex with others, and especially about safer sex practices. If you do end up having sex with him, either individually or as a threesome, it'd be good for you and your girlfriend to check in after the fact and talk about how you feel.

There are some books you could read such as The Ethical Slut or More Than Two as well as a lot of podcasts and blogs.

Remember, there's no one right way to do it. You really get to choose your own adventure together, which is part of what makes poly so awesome!

Read books about cultures you've never encountered before.

I read an illustrated edition of Charles Darwin's Voyage of the Beagle (this one, to be precise). The writing, the observations, and the information contained in that book are all incredibly fascinating and made for great worldbuilding inspiration.

I also enjoyed Sex at Dawn which played an important role in the cultural development of my world (regarding attitudes toward sex, sexuality, childrearing).

I also highly recommend Good to Eat. It discusses the culture and history of food-- why some foods were adopted and became widespread, why some weren't, why some were controversial across cultures. Understanding why different cultures adopt and prefer certain kinds of foods is really important and interesting, and this book presents it in an enjoyable way.

I can see your point and I think what is needed is a clear separation of introvert and social anxiety. Mostly I speak from my own personal experience, but I can also recommend this book Introverted Advantage as a source of some of my information as well.

From my understanding on introvert and extrovert it's a matter of energy management. On the wikilink you sent we could technically move some of the agree/disagree around and still get the same percentage. For example Thomas could instead be skilled in social situations but not make friends easy.

With social anxiety we deal with just fear. For example with myself, during times of extreme social anxiety I will have difficulties in leaving the home, answering the phone and generally communicating with others (even posting comments on reddit). In these cases there is a lot of internal strife and negativity about myself, others, etc. This is absolutely draining as it's a literal internal battle.

On the other hand when I do not experience social anxiety I find myself leaving the house more often and communicating with several friends briefly. However I only maintain about 3 close friends who themselves are introverted and ambiverted. While I can go out to clubs, outings, dinner with a large group of friends or familys I become quickly drained. For me engagement with one or two people having meaningful discussions is a bigger stress relief than surrounding myself with people like extroverts tend to do.

A good example of an introvert is my girlfriend. She does a lot of volunteer work with her sorority and takes on some management roles within the group. She loves the work she does, but after a day with her sisters she needs a day of peace and quiet to recharge.

Of course the research on introverts is new and we can only work with the information we have. I can see it being easy to mix introverted, social anxiety and even shyness as one thing when they do have different traits and ways of managing them. I would suggest what you described on yourself as not being introverted but a problem with handling social situations. Of course I don't know you in real life nor am I a psychologist so I can only talk from my experience. Btw Thank you for engaging in a thought provoking conversation with me. These are the conversations I thrive on.

Yes. You can both learn better communication skills. It sounds like the real problem here is that he gets upset and instead of dealing with those emotions appropriately he lashes out at you.

I would be willing to bet that what he really needs is comforting but has been taught all his life that showing those emotions is a sign of weakness to be covered up (with anger) at all costs.

There might also be a bit of festering resentment on his part on feeling like he has been coerced into accepting your FWB setup. That he has never been allowed to fully consent to it.

All of these issues can be solved if you both learn to communicate. I would highly recommend that you find some good books on communication, and perhaps even attend a class on Non-violent communication.

The books I have personally found helpful are: Non-Violent Communication and The Usual Error. If you have the time it might also be worth reading Crucial Conversations Tools which you can hear the entire audiobook version free on YouTube here.

The hardest part is to detach emotionally from them and their expectations. It’s really difficult, even when you know you need to. Just remember, they aren’t sitting there trying to please YOU with their words and actions, they are expecting you to please THEM. Intellectually, you know you aren’t responsible for their emotions. In practice, if you are a compassionate person, it is really hard to look someone you care about in the eye and say something you KNOW will disappoint them, even if you say it compassionately. All I can tell you is that it gets easier with experience, and it is quite liberating.

I’m going to suggest the book Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. It’s not a quick or easy read, but it changed my life. This book gave me the tools to have difficult conversations and feel like I honored all parties involved, including myself. It gives you a framework to use that can break communication logjams, and also helps you focus on what is important in a conversation.

I also highly recommend any YouTube video, podcast or book by Brene Brown. I listen to and read Brene Brown when I need some courage when dealing with my own JustNoMom.

https://smile.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Life-Changing-Relationships/dp/189200528X

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication

My ex-fiance, who seems pretty determined to put labels on me on top of my bipolar, was really convinced that I had borderline personality disorder. I've talked to a few counselors and they really don't think that's the case, but out of wanting to do anything to feel better, I'd read some self-help books on borderline and I think the coping mechanisms might be useful. Namely, focusing less on "others-esteem" versus self-esteem.

In a different but related direction, I've got a friend that suffers more from unipolar depression, and he's very determined not to be in a relationship until he loves himself more, loves his own company, before he can consider himself "ready" to be in a relationship. I think he feels that he leans too much on his significant others for approval and feelings of self-worth, and I do that too. He swears by the book Feeling Good. It's a little corny, and the edition I have is from the 70s, but it seems to have stood the test of time, relative to other self-help books.

But this could be totally different from your case. But me, I personally can't stand myself and have a hard time finding fulfillment alone. I've been "dating" since I was 12 and am now 22, single for three months for the first time since pretty much puberty.

Maybe the crying stems from being overwhelmed by your emotions and thus a bit too carried away.
I use several techniques to help me not get "up there" too much. Focusing on my breathing can be one of them, paying attention to my posture is another, directing my attention to body parts (especially the feet) and bodily sensations... I use several, but the general purpose is to re-ground myself.

Another explanation could be that you are unable to express your feelings in a way that would be satisfying to you (or maybe even that you are judging yourself for your feelings).
You could look into NonViolent Communication (this is a nice introduction), I found it to be a great tool to learn self-compassion and expression.

Good luck out there, I bet you are a beautiful person.

I do think INFPs and ISFPs can get stuck in the "nice guy (TM)" stereotype because they often are passive and don't ask women out. They tend to befriend women, drop lots of subtle hints over time, and hope for the best... then when they confess feelings, they get upset if the woman isn't into them.

My recommendation is - ask women out sooner rather than later, whenever possible. Tell them you like them early on, if there is some attraction there, so you don't spend months getting your hopes up for nothing. Also remember that your emotions and feelings are your responsibility, not anyone else's. If you can't manage your emotions effectively, do some reading about emotional regulation skills and consider seeing a therapist.

For more tips, I'd recommend Dr Nerdlove's blog as he has a lot of great advice about avoiding the "nice guy (TM)" behaviour. Models by Mark Manson and No More Mr Nice Guy are a great books if you want to get better at dating women and being more assertive.

Hey! 28M recently diagnosed RRMS. I feel exactly where you are at in life, and a big thing that keeps me moving through this is Jack Osborne’s motto. “Adapt and overcome”

Life is a beautiful thing and having MS doesn’t mean anything different. We are normal people with just a little bit of bad luck and you WILL lead a normal life. Just always ask for help when you need it!

I had a lot of career and life realizations similar to you as I began my path toward treatment after diagnosis. I have a feeling you will also benefit as greatly as I did from the book below.

https://www.amazon.com/Defining-Decade-Your-Twenties-Matter/dp/0446561754

Be positive. Stay hopeful. Travel. Eat. Love. Use your diagnosis date as your lotto numbers. Put yourself outside of your comfort zone and SWIM. People are a lot stronger than they know when they face something like MS.

The longer you live, the more people you'll meet who feel the same way. It's always chance encounters, too- neither of you want to open up for fear of looking stupid but once you do you both feel tremendously relieved that you share the same concerns. A lot of this will be abundantly clear after high school when you look back and take a broader view of things.

Don't worry too much about relationships. Everyone develops at a different pace and not always consistently in all areas. Just remember- douchey, unlikable people don't have the gift of self-reflection. If you feel self conscious, you're doing things right. :) Others will like you too. And girls your age (with their own myriad internal problems) will likely relate to your anxiety more than you know.

If you have time over the summer take a look at the book The Introvert Advantage. It eased my mind before I understood myself.

It's been well over a decade since I was in your place so I'm sure I've forgotten a lot of what it was like, but take heart- you're doing well.

You're not alone. Millions of people feel just like you do, it just that the people around you don't understand. The things that has helped me in the past is therapy, meditation, creating a support network, taking better care of myself (making sure I ate well, sleep enough hours, etc.), exercise. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) exercise and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) exercises have also helped me a lot.

Here a link about what is CBT: http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Cognitive-behavioural-therapy/Pages/Introduction.aspx

And here is a link for CBT worksheets. If you don't have access to a therapist or a therapist trained in CBT you can still get the benefits of CBT by doing a CBT worksheet: http://psychology.tools/anxiety.html

My old therapist also had me read "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy-ebook/dp/B009UW5X4C?ie=UTF8&keywords=david%20burns&qid=1465227795&ref_=sr_1_1&s=books&sr=1-1

Here is a pdf about more information about ACT: http://www.people.ku.edu/~tkrieshok/epsy888/act_cliff_notes.pdf

Russ Harris's book "The Happiness Trap" goes into more detail about ACT: http://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Trap-Struggling-Start-Living/dp/1590305841

I remember reading this one

I went to the NCSU stacks and grabbed an armful from the psychology section so my memory is fuzzy. The best one had a profile of two people's faces yelling at each other but I can't remember the title.

Other good reads that will roundabout teach the same mechanics:

A classic

A more fun read, but less relevant.

With more entrenched ideas like politics it may be useful to look into books on the mechanics of brainwashing. If you learn how to build a bomb, you learn a lot about diffusing them. You also may learn we're all mildly brainwashed in some innocuous way or another.

And if you're not much of a reader, Chris Voss puts most of these ideas pretty eloquently.

Edit: The ones that look more like textbooks than self help tend to be more useful with the exception of Dale Carnegie.

>Settle, or be alone.

Holy fucking shit, this is the WORST ADVICE I've ever heard.

Getting older makes it EASIER to find someone. I don't know how old you're talking, but at 27-35ish it's MUCH EASIER to get a girl - because at that age THEY are willing to settle - they want to marry and have kids SOON. THEY ARE MORE WILLING TO SETTLE FOR YOU.

What you gotta do is know what to look for. Check for a ring. Then check for body language. Look for eye contact, a smile, playing w/ hair, etc.... BUT look for more subtle things...

Good signs:

Tilting her head and exposing her neck to you. Exposing her palms/wrist to you. Look where her knees/feet are pointed... towards you is good, towards the door is bad (they'll point their legs at where she subconsciously wants to be). If her legs are crossed and she's bouncing her foot, that's another good sign.

If she displays any more than one of these signs toward you - SHE IS SINGLE AND THINKS YOU'RE ATTRACTIVE. Go up and introduce yourself. She will be open to talking to you and meeting you. Unless you completely fuck up, it will be simple to get her number and set up a date.

THERE ARE A SHITLOAD OF AVAILABLE GIRLS OUT THERE. And you and anyone else can win them over.

Good luck.

PS - a lot of the body language info came from this book (which was a HUMUNGOUS help for displaying and reading subtle clues regarding people's social behaviors and meeting the right people - in my situation, girls that are single and looking).

Some of the stuff you mention in your post resonates quite a bit with me -- the anxiety stuff.

Early in 2015, three years before I got sober, I started seeing a therapist weekly and focused on cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) in my sessions. Almost immediately I was able to work with CBT to help deal with my anxiety. Six months in, we agreed that I was wrestling with some mild obsessions/compulsions as well and so I started Sertraline (Zoloft). The combo of CBT and Zoloft was amazing for me. The Zoloft quieted my ruminations (repetitive, intrusive thoughts, like beating myself up for an awkward social interaction, etc) that were bombarding me and gave me the breathing room I needed to really exercise my CBT skills and deal with my anxiety. It took me three years of sticking with therapy, CBT, and medication, but I slowly built up the strength I needed to finally get sober.

Some of the phrasing you used in your post makes me wonder if you might also have a bit of the ol' ruminations. I'm not saying you need therapy or medications, but you might want to put that on your radar if you haven't given them a go.

An old-timer around here, /u/seeker135, has mentioned he read Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy and was eventually able to manage his anxiety without medication. I just bought the sucker yesterday and haven't even cracked it open, but /u/seeker135 definitely seems to have his stuff together, so you might want to look into that too.

Best of luck! I'm learning that just because I got sober doesn't mean I'm suddenly all better. It just means I have a clear enough head to get to work on my real problems now, and I'm frankly excited to get to work!

IWNDWYT

This is a great question. I think it's one of the questions that Cole and I most want people to ask themselves after listening to Dissect, particularly this season. I would also say that the first step for us to become a better listener is humbling ourselves enough to recognize that we are not are already not good listeners. Given that you've asked this question and listen to Dissect, I think you're already ahead of the game.

As a next step, I would also highly recommend the book Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most. I posted this recommendation on the thread "Some thoughts on the FOX news criticism." The book outlines how most difficult conversations can be broken down into three different layers - first, a conversation about what happened; second, a conversation about how one feels about what happened; and third and conversation about how one's identity is affected by what happened.

As the authors point out, most conversations between disagreeing parties break down in the first step of trying to establish what happened. This is often due to three traps: first the inability to understand that no one person can fully represent the truth of what happened; second, the assumption that one fully understands the intentions that motivated the other party to act in the way that they did; and third, the natural instinct to blame the other person rather than taking responsibility for oneself.

This book was very influential for me in how to think about DAMN. In fact, I could frame the entire narrative of DAMN. as an illustration of the struggle to overcome the internal obstacles that prevent us from truly listening to the other and thus prevent us from moving forward.

In addition to humility and avoiding the common pitfalls of difficult conversations, I think that having deep knowledge in some fields can help individuals to become better listeners. For instance, Cole studied music theory extensively, which I think allows him to pick up on musical cues within albums. This, in turn, helps him to determine significant moments in albums (e.g. the emotional weight of "God Is" or how No Malice's verse on "Use This Gospel" is a climax of the narrative). I didn't go to school for theology, but I was raised in a family that highly prioritized spiritual development, which meant that on average I've heard at least two ~30-minute sermons a week for most of my life. Even after 25 years of that, I still found that in many cases, my level of understanding the Bible was not sufficient to make sense of what Kendrick was trying to say in DAMN. That realization launched me into an extensive study which included reading books about ancient history, Greek philosophy, church history, and various interpretations of Christian teachings from different traditions within Christianity. I also listened to over 100 hours of Bible Project podcast and videos in the last couple of years which would eventually shape my ability to recognize many of the motifs and themes that Kanye incorporated into Jesus Is King after a few listens.

All that to say, spending the time to become versed in a deep knowledge tradition often pays off by enabling one to apply that knowledge to new conversations in new areas of life. This may be music theory for Cole or Christian theology/practice for me. There are several deep knowledge traditions out there so I would always encourage people to invest in one. All the better if the chosen tradition helps one to understand human emotions and develop empathy - something I think both music and solid spiritual traditions are supposed to do.

I'll also say that I often see people try to focus on knowledge first. However, if one hasn't developed humility or an ability to regulate oneself when talking through difficult matters, more knowledge can often result in pride and an inability to hear the other person.

Good luck on your journey to becoming a better listener.

Just be cool. Whoever this girl--or anyone you ever know--wants to introduce to you, just say hi and talk to them. A great book for you to read maybe is How to Win Friends and Influence People. Contains very basic info/suggestions about how to treat people like they matter. It's no great mystery. Just takes practice. And comfort with yourself.

As an ESTP, man, you gotta practice that E. Kinda funny you'd be asking introverts about how to be an extrovert. :)

>it might be the thing that can get through to her, but I feel like it also might destroy her. What do you think?

I thought both of these things about my Nmom (covert version, since you asked).

It has taken me a year of therapy to understand that 1) I'm never going to get through to her, and 2) characterizing the impact of something I might say or do as "destroying" my Nmom is pretty loaded. You can say something that causes a person to feel hurt or upset, but "destroyed"? Saying it like that tells me that you think you control your Nmom's emotional state... when actually, you only control yourself. She is responsible for her own emotional wellbeing.

It is very common for our Ns to condition us to think we are responsible for their feelings. And therefore we must behave exactly according to their rules.

It takes time to absorb the idea that this is not true.

You don't mention your gender, but I would encourage you to read Karyl McBride's Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. I would also encourage you to investigate the concept of codependence (as another commenter mentioned), which deals with feeling responsible for other people's feelings. Codependent No More is a book that has helped me a lot. Along with a good therapist.

I know this is tangential to your question about vulnerable vs grandiose Ns, but your phrasing really struck me as a way I used to think, and I really wanted to speak to that in case I could be helpful.

Also, you mention that your dad seems powerless to stop her -- again, this is conditioning. Enabling spouses often appear helpless and can look like victims of the N. But he is an adult and can make choices about what to do with his life. He has agency, UNLIKE you when you were a child and did not have a choice about whether to depend on your parents for food, shelter, and love. He has choices about who to surround himself with and how he deserves to be treated.

And so do you.

Best wishes to you.

I highly recommend reading Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Childbirth.

I found it very useful it giving a wide range of birth stories and going into depth in various topics that neither gloss over the risks, nor leave the reader needlessly fearful. (For what it's worth, the book also talks about things like shoulder dystocia which this lady talks about in the article about how much she hated her home birth--the book explains what it is, positions you can get into to alleviate the problem, and the associated risks.)

I think the best we can do is to get as much information as we can, make the decision based on our knowledge, and then trust our decision when we feel swayed by emotions like fear.

I also think it's important to be flexible and not go into it with too many expectations on what the experience is going to be. That way if you need to do a transfer, it's Plan B, not a "failure".

And now for my biased opinion: I think that hospitals and doctors are trained extremely well to take care of maladies. I don't view my birth as a malady, so until it becomes one, I don't want to be "treated" for it. Watching The Business of Being Born (on Netflix) really goes into depth on the culture and practices of birth in the United States, and how it compares to other countries, and although some might say it's biased toward home birth, I think it's worth watching to know some of the pitfalls of relying on hospitals as your only source of information, even if you do decide to go that route.

Good luck on your decision making and I hope you have a wonderful birth!!

Other people gave good advice re therapy for all. But some important points:

-Ex needs to understand this is your home. You need ground rules. She's a welcome guest until she can get back on her feet. For example, one of your rules to stay might be therapy. Maker a written list (even where she needs to park her car) and have a sit down ASAP.

-Great book idea might be "Boundaries" as it teaches you how to nicely draw the lines to protect yourself. And you need to stay safe in order to help. So read it so you can help them more.

-While you can forgive her & I hope you do, that does not mean you need fully trust her. They are not the same.

You can do this friend.

​

I've got something that hardly anyone ever reads, but it way shorter than a book...

It's a bit dry... But if you want to know what science has discovered about male/female attraction (and know how to use google scholar to follow up areas of specific interest from the citations it uses) it's a great starting resource as it's the meta-analysis of the field.

Evolution of Human Mate Choice

OTOH, if you actually want a book. The best resource I ever found about female sexuality attraction (focussing on the long term) was

Married Man Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay

Sounds like you're being pretty hard on yourself. Here's a few thoughts from someone who was also pretty hard on himself:

1. Stay away from Red Pill / MRA / PUA, they prey on vulnerable guys. There is no value there.
   
2. Work on yourself, and I don't mean go to the gym. I mean stop beating yourself up. If you can afford it, a therapist is very helpful. Here are a few ideas of things you can do yourself:
   
   1. https://www.amazon.com/Men-Women-Worthiness-Experience-Enough/dp/B00D4APD3M
      
   2. https://www.amazon.com/Will-Change-Men-Masculinity-Love/dp/0743456084
      
   3. https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Life-Changing-Relationships/dp/189200528X
      
   4. https://www.amazon.com/Self-Compassion-Proven-Power-Being-Yourself/dp/0061733520
      
3. Hang out with friends, it's OK to not be in a relationship, even for a long time. Putting extra pressure on yourself isn't helpful.
   
4. Consider reading this: https://johntreed.com/products/succeeding. I've found it's a pretty good field guide to life. If nothing else it's an interesting deep dive on how someone else managed their dating experience.
   
   You'll be amazed at how hard women find it to find a great guy. You can be that great guy.

Here are two screenwriting books that I really love that don't get a lot of love:

Writing for Emotional Impact and The 101 Habits of Highly Successful Screenwriters by Karl Iglesias. Those two go pretty unnoticed but are really insightful.

I also really enjoy:

Directing Actors: Creating Memorable Performances for Film & Television and The Film Director's Intuition: Script Analysis and Rehearsal Techniques by Judith Weston. It really helped give me an understanding on how actors look to find their performances and has really informed how I write both dialogue and character actions.

Let the Crazy Child Write!: Finding Your Creative Writing Voice by Clive Matson is great for just untethering your inner critic in some ways.

Lastly, a bit of an unexpected one The Definitive Book on Body Language which gives some interesting insight on how people behave.

Ok I'll give you some honest advice now.

How much of an effort do you make to talk to other people? Or do you expect them all to come to you?

Are you a very opinionated person? Thats okay. But do you try and force your opinions on others or refuse to step down from an argument? My brother is like this, and it can be very annoying.

There's a difference between just being lonely/not having friends and not being liked. If you don't have friends, just keep on trying. Go to clubs and what not. Try and talked to people that live on your floor, if you dorm. If its the latter and your just not liked, try to figure out what your doing that is turning people off of you. And regardless which one it is, pick up the book Body Language. It will help you read people better. If you are an attractive girl, then perhaps they don't not like you, but are just nervous around you. This will help you read the situation better.

Best of luck.

Oh, one last thing. Don't be fake. Most people can see right through it and most people can't stand it. If they like you online, its probably because your not afraid to be who you really are and are just holding it in IRL.

Now, go and get 'em.

Ha ha! I like the name! Awesome, glad you didn't have a big explosion! But definitely keep swirling it when you can to get the CO2 out of solution, it will help your ferment!

Also, check out the 'Everything you need to know' link on the sidebar! It has tons more information on help your mead process (Checking pH, adding nutrients, ect...). And if you haven't read the Compleat Meadmaker by Ken Schramm, you should, it's a good beginner guide!

This isn't exactly what you asked for but it's relevant

I recommend the book Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone

The book teaches you how to successfully have hard conversations, which are of course usually wrapped up in emotions. But beyond that, the book teaches you to deal with personal identity insecurities and helps you understand your own emotions as well as others'. The book was required reading in a communications class I took, and I find it really useful.

I also like the book Conversationally Speaking:Tested New Ways to Increase Your Personal and Social Effectiveness by Alan Garner. I don't consider myself bad at conversation but sometimes awkward, and this book helped me polish social skills.

if you're open to it, meditation is a useful tool for understanding emotions. Here's a useful link to a book on the subject published online Mindfulness in Plain English

You're comments remind me a lot of me a few years ago, and while I don't normally share what helped me get my head into a good place, occasionally I come across someone that might find similar insights from reading it. I think you have a problem with "Nice Guy Syndrome" even though you don't really think of yourself as that nice of a guy. The definition is pretty loaded and you can't really take the words at face value or use their normal definitions, because "Nice Guys" are anything but nice. Anyway, if you have time I recommend you check out this book (changed my life): No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover. Good luck!

I married at 18 and have been married for 10 years.

Your husband sounds beaten down and depressed. Besides the obvious good diet, plenty of sleep, sunshine, etc be mindful that he is going through a lot. It's really hard living with a person like this and it's really hard being this person. Just keep trying to show that you love him and support him.

Femininity attracts masculinity. Submission attracts dominance. The best way to help him become this person is to make space for him to become this person and make him want to be this person.

> I know part of the problem is that he feels emasculated and unappreciated at his job.

Make sure he feels masculine and appreciated at home. Thank him a lot. Not just verbally. Show your gratitude for all that he does for you.

I suggest reading the MMSL Primer and The Surrendered Wife

Most of the answers in here are, in all likelihood, completely wrong. /u/Simon121212 accidentally came close to the likely correct answer, but didn't really explore it.

There's likely a combination of things going on here, but the major one is that he likely feels a pressure to perform when he's with you, to make sure that he isn't selfish and that you enjoy yourself. He likely feels this pressure to the point where sex with you actually is a source of anxiety for him. Now, in all likelihood, this pressure is self-imposed and has little to do with you.

That's important to keep in mind here. This has almost nothing to do with you. It's about his expectations for himself and what HE thinks he needs to have a smooth and trouble-free life.

Cam girls are safe for him. They're on the far side of a wire, and it's their job to make him feel good. He has no obligation, self-imposed or otherwise, to try to make sure they enjoy their own experience.

He sounds like a "Nice Guy," as described in that book that used to be mentioned in the sidebar. Sexual "misbehavior" of the kind that you describe, are common in "Nice Guys." Secret pornography and cam-girl addiction, seeing prostitutes, that kind of thing.

So yeah. This is the likely issue. Not that he's a Stoopy Poopy Head, as most of the other posters here think, although I suppose it's remotely possible that I'm wrong and he actually IS a Stoopy Poopy Head.