Well this seems like a good opportunity to post a few of the lessons I learned in my 20s.

To my former self:

If you're depressed, here's how to turn it around

• Stop drinking, this is the main cause.
  
  
• Lift weights. This alone could also stop depression. It's likely related to low testosterone levels
  
  
• Fapping too much makes the depression worse
  
  Fap less, and never to porn
  
  
• Ejaculating too often removed your motivation to take actions and start tasks. You can consider porn like a poison for the mind. Pleasurable but it desensitizes you to all other pleasures, making life seem bland and boring. Until the only thing you want is porn. It perpetuates itself.
  
  
  Gratitude
  
  
• Whatever you are grateful for will grow
  
  
• Gratitude is the only way to be happy. If you think about what happiness is, it's appreciating what you have. When you think of something that would make you happy, you are imagining yourself appreciating it when you get it.
  
  Wealth
  
  
• You can have anything you want, as long as you create enough value for others first.
  
  
• To be wealthy, don't try and do tomorrow's work today, just have a successful day each day. If you have more successful days than unsuccessful days, your wealth will grow. As you have successful and productive days, opportunities will be attracted to you.
  
  Theories
  
  
• The key to success in any area is having the right theory. A small amount of work, or a massive amount of work, with the wrong theory, won't lead to success.
  
  
• With the right theory, success will be relatively straight forward. When you do the thing, it will basically work every time. Anything that has been done many times before, can be done yourself with the correct theory
  
  
• When most people speak of the 'years of hard work' they put in before they 'cracked the game', usually means they were laboring under the wrong theory, and then one day they found the correct theory, and when they applied it, it worked. (excluding world class athletes, talking about common things like starting a business or growing muscles)
  
  
• Theories can be gathered by spending tens of thousands of dollars on seminars or tens of dollars on books. Both can contain theories that work and theories that don't work. Higher cost definitely does not mean they have the right theory
  
  
• Some theories can seem like they are guaranteed to work, but on testing, actually don't. When someone says they have the right theory, it will seem worth any price. Often they actually don't. Beware. If possible buy their book and test it for yourself, it's just as good in book form.
  
  
• This whole list is a list of theories, as you can see, they are usually quite simple and easy to understand. Complexity is usually a sign the person doesn't really know how things work
  
  
  Girls
  
  
• You cannot make a girl like you, you can however find a girl who likes you
  
  
• They key to getting girls is to get in excellent shape (lift weights), dress well, and talk to girls until you find one that likes you
  
  
• If a girl is unsure if she you likes you, won't go on a date with you, or doesn't let you touch her in anyway. She doesn't like you. Find one that wants all those things. Don't be fooled by girls who seem to REALLY like you but doesn't have time to meet, or won't let you touch her. They do not like you like that.
  
  
• Hot girls are just as likely to like you as not hot girls
  
  
• If you like a girl more than she likes you, and she doesn't want to meet up/hang out/have sex. Let her go and move on
  
  
  Career
  
  
• It's very easy to get ahead if you just try, most people don’t
  
  
• You career will naturally progress just through normal learning, don't worry about it
  
  
  Flow
  
  
• If you want things to happen without effort and struggle, live a life with gratitude and presence. Things will seem to happen easily and naturally.
  
  
  Meditation
  
  
• Mediation gives you the ability to be your best. Very handy for improving at anything, particularly gaming, as you see more and learn more. It gives you access to creativity in solving problems and improving your performance
  
  
• Mediation allows you to 'stop the mind'. Do this if you're stuck in over-analysis
  
  
• To meditate, set a time on your phone for 20 minutes, sit still and don't move a muscle, and focus on your breath as often as you can. Your mind will try to stray, just focus on your breath as much as able. This is how you quiet the mind
  
  *****
  Edit:
  
  To answer some requests, here's my list of resources.
  
  Wealth/Metaphysics
  
  
• http://www.audible.com.au/pd/Health-Personal-Development/The-Science-of-Getting-Rich-Audiobook/B00FMUQVSI
  This audiobook has the best summary I've found of how wealth works
  
  Lifting
  
  
• https://stronglifts.com/5x5/
  
  
• https://www.amazon.com/Starting-Strength-Basic-Barbell-Training/dp/0982522738
  
  
• http://startingstrength.com/
  
  
• http://www.leangains.com/2011/09/fuckarounditis.html
  
  How Procrastination works:
  
  
• https://waitbutwhy.com/2013/10/why-procrastinators-procrastinate.html
  
  
• https://waitbutwhy.com/2013/11/how-to-beat-procrastination.html
  
  How Business works
  
  
• https://www.amazon.com/Personal-MBA-Master-Art-Business/dp/1591845572
  
  What innovation actually is and how to do it:
  
  
• https://www.amazon.com/Innovation-Entrepreneurship-Peter-F-Drucker/dp/0060851139
  
  How economics works:
  
  
• https://www.amazon.com/How-Economy-Grows-Why-Crashes/dp/047052670X
  
  How to get things done:
  
  
• https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Things-Done-Stress-Free-Productivity/dp/0142000280
  
  Task Management tool:
  
  
• https://todoist.com/
  
  Spiritual Books
  
  
• Spiritual books won't make sense unless you've had an awakening, and you can't make this happen, it happens by chance/grace. If you have, anything by Eckhart Tolle will be amazing.
  
  How to be a man:
  
  
• https://www.amazon.com/Way-Superior-Man-Spiritual-Challenges/dp/1591792576
  
  
• https://www.amazon.com/Blue-Truth-Spiritual-Guide-Death/dp/1591792592
  
  Audiobooks (most of these can be found on audiobook):
  
  
• Audible.com
  
  Frame Control (Anytime you feel like you're trying too hard or begging for something, you lost the frame)
  
  
• https://www.amazon.com/Pitch-Anything-Innovative-Presenting-Persuading/dp/1501211811
  
  This is my favourite book of all. They talk about the new type of conscousness which is really really interesting to me. May not apply to all people.
  If anyone find this book interesting I'd love to talk about it:
  
  How the world works:
  
  
• https://www.amazon.com/Spiral-Dynamics-Mastering-Values-Leadership/dp/1405133562
  
  
• https://www.audible.com.au/pd/Spiral-Dynamics-Integral-Audiobook/B00FO5660E
  
  

Thanks for sharing your situation, I hope we're able to offer some empathy and ideas that'll help at least a little in your situation.

I can imagine how incredibly distressing it must be to pour so much of your being into something so important to you, then not be seen for the s contribution you made. Sounds like you really just would like some appreciation and celebration of your efforts?

If you're open to some ideas, so here's a few that come to mind:

---

1. Empathy first

Firstly, obviously I encourage you to get the empathy you need. If you can get empathy from friends or loved ones, that will help you to release a lot of the stored emotions which will mean that if you do approach your coworkers, you'll be able to be that much more clear, present, and ready. So, if you've got a friend or two to ask if you can vent about it to, I'd go for that first. Sharing here is often helpful in that regard as well, so you're probably already well on your way with this one.

-

---

2. Finding Clarity

I feel one of the most important questions we can ask ourselves in any difficult situation is:

> What do I really want?

This may sound lame, but it has been absolutely essential in my experience. When we ask ourselves what we really want, we get out of our head, drop the blame, and focus on where we actually want to put our energy that'll benefit everyone.

Example: A few months back, I posted here when I was seriously upset by a weird thing that happened with my housemates. Basically, they decided at a meeting I couldn't make it to that I could no longer play music in the shower, but they didn't put it in the meeting notes and brought it up to me in a weird indirect way. I felt really hurt that they didn't bring it to me directly, and shocked that it wasn't put it in the meeting notes since it was a decision that was discussed.

When I asked myself, "What do I really want?" I realized that I wanted basically two things:

a. Honest Self-Expression: To honestly express and hopefully be heard for at least some of my pain around this and…

b. Agreement for Change: To create a culture where it doesn't happen again moving forward. Specifically, by seeing if we can all agree to put ALL decisions in the meeting notes, and directly reach out to someone should a decision impact them significantly.

So, I wrote out basically what I hoped to say. In the moment, I was still fairly charged bringing it forward to the group, which generated some intensity, but everyone agreed that it was weird how that happened and agreed to my two requests (1. ensuring all decisions get in the notes and 2. proactively reaching out to anyone directly impacted by a meeting decision.)

It was such a struggle for me to bring this forward when I felt like the whole group had let me down and thrown me under the bus behind my back. Or at least that's the story I was telling myself… But when I got clear and specific on what I wanted, I could find a way to bring it forward in a way that was honest, could be used benefit everyone, rather than cause unnecessary drama.

Not sure if this is helpful. But what I sense is that you might be in a similar place as I was before I brought forward my concern to the group, and I know for me it really helped to be clear about the exact outcomes I wanted.

-

---

3. Creating Safety: Mutual Respect + Shared Purpose

When we go into crucial conversations, the last thing we want is for it to go into silence (shut downs, refusing to talk) or violence (attack, blame, etc.). So it helps to understand why that occurs, and do our very best to prevent it.

The biggest reason conversations break down into silence or violence, is when people fear one of two things:

1. The other person doesn't care about me. (Disrespect)
   
2. The other person doesn't care about what I want. (Divergent Goals)
   
   So to prevent silence or violence, we do the opposite: We create safety. And that's done by:
   
   
3. Mutual Respect: Establishing our respect for the other(s) involved
   
4. Shared Purpose: Create a shared goal for the conversation, some outcome that's desirable for everyone.
   
   So, let's say you go into this conversation with your supervisor, who took credit for the project. If you don't create a sense of safety for your supervisor, the worst case would be 1) he thinks you're basically saying he's an egotistical jerk or 2) he thinks what you want is to diminish the credit he received and downplay his contribution.
   
   Neither of those implications would be starting the conversation off on a very good foot…
   
   So, if you're with me on this, I would suggest you do the opposite. Create a sense of safety in the conversation by establishing:
   
   
5. Mutual Respect: Perhaps you can express your respect for his role in the project and the ways you appreciate the job he's done on this
   
6. Shared Purpose: Ask how could what you want benefit him? So if you want to create a culture where everyone is recognized for their contribution, that could yield MAJOR wins for him as well — employee retention, team strength, not to mention creative confidence.
   
   -
   
   (PS This point on safety is straight out of the book Crucial Conversations, not from me, highly recommended!)
   
   -
   
   ---
   
   

   Summary
   

   
   Anyway, so just to summarize, basically I'm suggesting get empathy first, get clarity of what you want, then plan your conversation by establishing mutual respect & shared purpose.
   
   So how might that sound in conversation? Let's say his name is Tim. Here's just an off-the-top-of-my-head example of how those ideas could come together. Probably nothing like what you actually want to say to him, just an example of how those ideas could be brought together:
   
   >Hey Tim, there's something I've been meaning to talk to you about. It's a bit difficult to bring up, but I think talking about it could really help the strength of our team. You know that project we just finished? Well I'm incredibly proud of the work we did, and I want you to know how much I appreciate what you did to _____ in moving that project forward. One thing I wanted to let you know is that when I saw that my name wasn't mentioned anywhere, I felt pretty bummed because I felt I played an important role on that project - in fact, I was the one who brought forward the idea to others - and I guess I just wanted some kind of recognition of all the work I put into it. I know it's tough to credit everyone, but I feel that when our team members get acknowledgement for their work, it can really energize them to keep up the good work. But when we're not, I don't know about for others but for me, it makes me feel like no one is seeing all the work I'm doing. And that feels exhausting. And I'm sure we all want to work for a team that's enthusiastic about making contributions to the team, not feeling burnt out. Again, I get that it's not easy to name everyone, but I really feel some sort of way of recognition could really help to build a culture on our team where each member feels valued and energized to contribute on new projects, if we can find a way to at least get everyone's name listed somewhere. What would you think if…?
   
   --
   
   ---
   
   -
   
   Whew. Sorry for the wall of text. Hope something in there is useful to you, but feel free to ignore if not!
   
   …Also, a disclaimer that this isn't perfect NVC per say, moreso ideas I'm piecing together from various approaches, mostly NVC and Crucial Conversations.
   
   Does anything here resonate for you?
   

I hope I am not too late.

You can post this to /r/suicidewatch.

Here is my half-baked attempt at providing you with some answers.

First of all let's see, what is the problem? Money and women. This sounds rather stereotypical but it became a stereotype because a lot of people had this kind of problems. So if you are bad at money and at women, join the club, everybody sucks at this.

Now, there are a few strategies of coping with this. I can tell you what worked for me and perhaps that will help you too.

I guess if there is only one thing that I would change in your attitude that would improve anything is learning the fact that "there is more where that came from". This is really important in girl problems and in money problems.

When you are speaking with a girl, I noticed that early on, men tend to start being very submissive and immature in a way. They start to offer her all the decision power because they are afraid not to lose her. This is a somehow normal response but it affects the relationship negatively. She sees you as lacking power and confidence and she shall grow cold. So here lies the strange balance between good and bad: you have to be powerful but also warm and magnanimous. You can only do this by experimenting without fearing the results of your actions. Even if the worst comes to happen, and she breaks up with you .... you'll always get a better option. There are 3.5 billion ladies on the planet. The statistics are skewed in your favor.

Now for the money issue. Again, there is more where that came from. The money, are a relatively recent invention. Our society is built upon them but we survived for 3 million years without them. The thing you need to learn is that your survival isn't directly related to money. You can always get food, shelter and a lot of other stuff for free. You won't live the good life, but you won't die. So why the anxiety then?

Question: It seems to me you are talking out of your ass. How do I put into practice this in order to get a girlfriend?

Answer: Talk to people. Male and female. Make the following your goals:
Talk to 1 girl each day for one month.
Meet a few friends each 3 days.
Make a new friend each two weeks.
Post your romantic encounters in /r/seduction.
This activities will add up after some time and you will have enough social skill to attract a female. You will understand what your female friend is thinking. Don't feel too bad if it doesn't work out.

Question: The above doesn't give a lot of practical advice on getting money. I want more of that. How do I get it?

Answer: To give you money people need to care about you. People only care about you when you care about them. This is why you need to do the following:
Start solving hard problems.
Start helping people.
Problems aren't only school problems. They refer to anything: start learning a new difficult subject (for example start learning physics or start playing an instrument or start writing a novel). Take up a really difficult project that is just above the verge of what you think you are able to do. Helping people is something more difficult and personal. You can work for charity, help your family members around the house and other similar.

Question: I don't understand. I have problems and you are asking me to work for charity, donate money? How can giving money solve anything?

Answer: If you don't give, how can you receive? Helping others is instilling a sense of purpose in a very strange way. You become superior to others by helping them in a dispassionate way.

Question: I feel like I am going to cry, you are making fun of me!
Answer: Not entirely untrue. But this is not the problem. The problem is that you are taking yourself too serious. We all are, and I have similar problems. The true mark of a person of genius is to laugh at himself. Cultivate your sense of humor in any manner you can.

Question: What does it matter then if I choose to kill myself?

Answer: There is this really good anecdote about Thales of Miletus (search wiki). He was preaching that there is no difference between life and death. His friends asked him: If there is no difference, why don't you kill yourself. At this, he instantly answered: I don't kill myself because there is no difference.

Question: Even if I would like to change and do the things you want me to do, human nature is faulty. It is certain that I would have relapses. How do I snap out of it?

Answer: There are five habits that you should instill that will keep bad emotions away. Either of this habits has its own benefits and drawbacks:

1. Mental contemplation. This has various forms, but two are the best well know: prayer and meditation. At the beginning stage they are quite different, but later they begin to be the same. You will become aware that there are things greater than you are. This will take some of the pressure off of your shoulders.
   
2. Physical exercise. Build up your physical strength and you will build up your mental strength.
   
3. Meet with friends. If you don't have friends, find them.
   
4. Work. This wil give you a sense of purpose. Help somebody else. This is what I am doing here. We are all together on this journey. Even though we can't be nice with everyone, we need to at least do our best in this direction.
   
5. Entertainment. Read a book. Play a game. Watch a movie. Sometimes our brain needs a break. If not, it will take a break anyway and it will not be a pretty one. Without regular breaks, procrastination will occur.
   
   Question: Your post seems somewhat interesting but more in an intriguing kind of way. I would like to know more.
   
   Answer: There are a few good books on these subjects. I don't expect you to read all of them, but consider them at least.
   
   For general mental change over I recommend this:
   http://www.amazon.com/Learned-Optimism-Change-Your-Mind/dp/1400078393/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1324795853&sr=8-1
   
   http://www.amazon.com/Generous-Man-Helping-Others-Sexiest/dp/1560257288
   
   For girl issues I recommend the following book. This will open up a whole bag of worms and you will have an entire literature to pick from. This is not going to be easy. Remember though, difficult is good for you.
   http://www.amazon.com/GAME-UNDERCOVER-SOCIETY-PICK-UP-ARTISTS/dp/1841957518/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1324795664&sr=8-1 (lately it is popular to dish this book for a number of reasons. Read it and decide for yourself. There is a lot of truth in it)
   
   Regarding money problem, the first thing is to learn to solve problems. The following is the best in my opinion
   http://www.amazon.com/How-Solve-Mathematical-Princeton-Science/dp/069111966X
   The second thing about money is to understand why our culture seems wrong and you don't seem to have enough. This will make you a bit more comfortable when you don't have money.
   http://www.amazon.com/Story-B-Daniel-Quinn/dp/0553379011/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1324795746&sr=8-3 (this one has a prequel called Ishmael. which people usually like better. This one is more to my liking.)
   
   For mental contemplation there are two recommendations:
   http://www.urbandharma.org/udharma4/mpe.html . This one is for meditation purposes.
   http://www.amazon.com/Way-Pilgrim-Continues-His/dp/0060630175 . This one is if you want to learn how to pray. I am an orthodox Christian and this is what worked for me. I cannot recommend things I didn't try.
   
   For exercising I found bodyweight exercising to be one of the best for me. I will recommend only from this area. Of course, you can take up weights or whatever.
   http://www.amazon.com/Convict-Conditioning-Weakness-Survival-Strength/dp/0938045768/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1324795875&sr=8-1 (this is what I use and I am rather happy with it. A lot of people recommend this one instead: http://www.rosstraining.com/nevergymless.html )
   
   Regarding friends, the following is the best bang for your bucks:
   http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/1439167346/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1324796461&sr=8-1 (again, lots of criticism, but lots of praise too)
   
   The rest of the points are addressed in the above books. I haven't given any book on financial advices. Once you know how to solve problems and use google and try to help people money will start coming, don't worry.
   
   I hope this post helps you, even though it is a bit long and cynical.
   
   Merry Christmas!

Not sure if this will help, but a bit about my life:

I was a late bloomer, when I was in 8th grade I looked like I was in 5th and this trend continued until I was around age 21 when a job doing physical labor helped to spark some testosterone in me and build a few muscles (not many, but my bicep was no longer as thin as my wrist).

All through the last half of jr. High and high school I thought to myself, "I'm sort of a geek, I want the girls, cool guys get girls, what would a cool guy be doing?". Cool guys played guitar, so I started playing. Cool guys ride motorcycles, so I started riding. Cool guys throw knives, so I learned to throw knives. Cool guys can fight, I took up a variety of martial arts. By the time I was around 22-23 I had a bunch of skills that your generic action hero or movie protagonist might. I also took great pains to build skills in the social arts. Charm, like any other skill, can be learned (a great starter book on this is How to Win Friend's and Influence People). I feel like I achieved my cool guy status when I went to a party only knowing one person, and I left knowing every single person's name and at least a bit about them. The art of genuine conversation is probably the most important skill you can get. The trick is the 'genuine' part, people can spot fake interest a mile away.

Somewhere between my mid teens and my early 20's I became the cool guy I always wanted to be. The funny thing is I don't feel a whole lot different. Sure I have confidence, but confidence builds naturally through success, and the foundation of success is failure. If you can summon up the courage to put yourself out there I guarantee you will fail, but you will also succeed. Soon the failures will barely be a blip on the radar towards your successes. One of my favorite quotes is by Henry Emerson Fosdick who said,

"Happiness is not mostly pleasure; it is mostly victory."

I find that to be more true each day I live.

Now I'm in my mid 20's and being 'cool' or a 'man' means something else to me. To me a man is someone who sticks to his morals and ethics even when it is uncomfortable or even deadly. A man tries to improve himself as well as the souls around him, not only through example, but also through kindness and compassion. I can't say I'm the best at this, but I do make a conscience effort every day. Some books I would recommend on your journey (I used to be a self help nut!).

How to Win Friends and Influence People - Dale Carnegie
http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/1439167346/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1278824794&sr=1-1

The Hagakure - Yamamota Tsunetomo
http://www.amazon.com/Hagakure-Book-Samurai-Yamamoto-Tsunetomo/dp/4770029160/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1278824735&sr=8-2

The Emperor's Handbook / Meditations - Marcus Aurelius
http://www.amazon.com/Emperors-Handbook-New-Translation-Meditations/dp/0743233832/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1278824862&sr=1-1

Zen Mind, Beginners Mind - Shunryu Suzuki (this one doesn't really pertain to being a man, but I find meditation to be particularly helpful in being mindful and focused during daily life).
http://www.amazon.com/Zen-Mind-Beginners-Shambhala-Library/dp/1590302672/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1278824911&sr=1-1


I think the most important thing to remember is that becoming the person you want to be is a gradual process that takes time. Something almost as important to realize is that all those people you think have it all together (be they some popular jock or long dead philosophers), struggle with the same sort of things you do. We all want to live up to our potential, we all want to make as few mistakes as possible, we all worry about what others think of us to some degree. Keep living life and don't give up, you can be as awesome as you want to be, just takes a little thought and some active choices.

Cheers!

Here is something I typed up previously. The book I am writing will talk about most of this stuff. I'll be posting some articles I'm writing about communication here soon. For now, my old post. I endorse these books:

-------

So this is a bit of an area of expertise for me. I'm actually a writing a book about communication and it is kind of a skills book, but not as you might traditionally think of one. I can tell you more if you like, but don't want to bore you.

Here's the thing with skills books when it comes to communication...most are ok, some are even good, but most are essentially the same...they put together some combination of "do these things" and "do not do these other things" and market you a book that ultimately isn't going to help you a whole lot...at least not to communicate better in the aggregate. (How to Win Friends and Influence People is an example of this.) I call these any "Do these 10 things to communicate better" books. There is no magic list of skills that if you just learn these things, you'll communicate better. Communication doesn't work like that.

That said, there are a few decent enough communication "skills" books out there that are worth your time. It really depends on the type of communication skills you're looking for...for example, there are books out there entirely dedicated to how to give a good presentation (say, at work). There are books on conflict resolution. There are books on persuasion. All of these, which I don't think is what you're looking for only give you part of a very big puzzle. As far as more general communication books there are a couple you might consider:

(A note that most of these are not likely to be at your local library, but if you as your local friendly librarian how to they could get you one of these books, they can probably easily help you. Ask! Librarians are awesome! Also, most of these should be available on Amazon for not much money.)

1. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life
   Author: Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.
   A book with an overall good perspective. A little sappy and cloying at times, but in general the intentions are in the right place with this one. Could come off as a little bit squishily academic, but an ok read and a good perspective.
   
2. If I Understood You, Would I Have This Look on My Face?
   Author: Alan Alda
   
3. (From M*A*S*H, The West Wing, and much more)
   I'm actually reading this book right now and it is a funny take on Alda's life and work and he relates his stories through (and about communication). Alda is actually pretty smart about communication and comes at it differently than most anyone else on this list. Funny and witty, what you might expect from such a great actor and comedian. Definitely worth reading.
   
4. Simply Said: Communicating Better At Work and Beyond
   Author: Jay Sullivan
   More about work than other contexts but good advice overall. I only skimmed parts of this one so can't speak to every aspect, but appeared to be decent enough quality when I reviewed it.
   
5. The Art of Communicating
   Author: Thich Nhat Hanh
   Different from the others on the list, this one is written by a Buddhist monk who takes a more spiritual view of communication. It is a good philosophical approach. I found parts of this book enlightening. It is not scientific-ish enough for me and it makes no claims to be. It is a philosophy book on communication, but an easy, accessible read and worth your time.
   
6. Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High
   Author: Kerry Patterson
   A good enough book if you're looking to navigate conflicts/difficult conversational things at work or in relationships. Deals more with the challenging aspects of communication, but for what it is, good enough advice.
   
7. How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships
   Author: Liel Lowndes
   Similar to the book above, but more about making conversation with people. As far as these types of books go, this one is ok enough and actually has some good advice on things to try when attempting to communicate with others.
   
   Books like Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus, which comes up when you look for communication books should be avoided entirely. That book, and other books like it, are trash. You might as well get your advice from Cosmo.
   
   Sorry for the length here, but like I said, this is an area of expertise. I hope you found this helpful. I can answer questions about any of these books if you like.

I hope you one day get the chance to realize your dream :)

My hobby since I was 12 or so has been computer programming, and I am very fortunate to have become quite good at it, so I work remotely a couple days a week and make enough money to fund my travels. I think I had about $3000 in the bank when I left, as a buffer to get me started.

I had been dreaming about traveling for the last two years as a college undergraduate, and there were a certainly a couple "f it I'm going," moments. One was when I posted a curb alert on Craigslist and gave away all the stuff I couldn't keep in the corner of my parents attic. That night I was sitting my empty house having a beer and thought, "well, I guess I'm committed now." The second was buying a plane ticket. I procrastinated on that for some reason, perhaps because I was overthinking where I would start. Once I dropped $500 on my flight to Madrid through statravel.com (great website btw for super cheap flights if you're a student), that's when it became real.

I mainly use hostelbookers.com or hostelworld.com for recommendations, as well as suggestions from fellow travelers and hostel staff. Tripadvisor.com is pretty good too but I think that tends to cater more to a non-backpacker crowd.

Random unsolicited advice:

Use a small hiking backpack (something like 30-35 liters), and a smaller handbag to carry all your stuff. You want to be able to carry all your luggage on an airplane and not have to check anything. This messenger bag is great for your valuables.

Get a small combination padlock for hostel lockers.

If you decide to go, I wouldn't rush to buy a Eurorail pass. I'm sure it's helpful to some people, but I haven't actually met a single person yet who has one. Backpackers these days tend to be more serendipitous with transportation, either using skyscanner.net for budget airlines (I flew from Seville to Barcelona for something like 30 euros on Ryanair, but make sure if you use carry-on that it matches their size/weight guidelines or you will pay a 50 euro fee. One trick is to take a bunch of clothes out of your bag and wear them all at once, but you feel like the Michelin Man and sweat a lot), buses, or BlaBlaCar is very popular these days.

Try local beer everywhere you go.

Keep a journal on you all day and jot down random thoughts, things you do, etc.

Get a decent camera. Don't be like me and think your smart phone will cut it (how I took this picture). Now I'm actually trying to find a camera to buy. I want a used Canon Powershot G11/G12/G13 or something and haven't found anything yet in former Yugoslavia.

Be social, get out of your comfort zone, hang out in hostel lounges, and participate in their events. Speaking of which, try to find smaller, more intimate hostels, even if you want to party. Everybody staying in a hostel likes to party, and smaller places actually offer better chances to meet more people.

One piece of unconventional advice, this is something I alluded to in another comment. Solo travel can either be a wonderful opportunity to learn to love yourself, or you could set yourself up to be lonely and depressed. I recommend this book, which uses cognitive behavioral therapy to treat loneliness, help you to love yourself, and become a more attractive person (it's tailored more towards dating but is actually very beneficial even to people already in relationships). When you travel by yourself, you're somewhat in a vacuum and can experiment with core personality traits, and doing so with the help of scientifically-proven therapeutic techniques is so powerful.

If you're going for a while, you might consider exercising. I carry a set of resistance bands around with me and do weightlifting 3 times a week, modeled loosely around p90x. Day 1: back (pullups) and biceps (curls), Day 2: chest (resistance pushups), shoulders (resistance overhead press), and triceps (resistance tricep extension), Day 3: legs (resistance squats or lunges) and back (resistance deadlifts and pullups). About 16-24 sets each day, alternating your body parts after each set.

There's so much advice I could give, but the first half of this book goes pretty in depth into everything (the second half briefly goes into specific advice for different countries). Rick Steves is an authority on traveling Europe, but he tends to cater more towards the older hotel crowd, so I would get Lonely Planet Guidebooks specific to any region you're traveling.

I hope some of that massive brain dump was helpful :)

Edit: one more thing. Get an unlocked smart phone and buy sim cards wherever you go. You can get them everywhere, they cost just a few euros, and let you use several hundred megabytes or a few gigabytes of data, which is super useful for google maps and looking up random stuff while walking around.

Edit 2: For completeness, as someone mentioned below, rome2rio.com is another great website everyone uses to find transportation

Please do not interpret what i'm about to say as me being an asshole (although I often have been accused as such). I'm trying to help, rather than bullshit you with the equivalent of a participation trophy or a motherly pat on the back.

I'm stating this with love (although it is tough love): If I've ever seen someone that needs r/TheRedPill, its you my friend. I'm not saying that you should become an asshole or be disrespectful to women, but rather that you should focus on building yourself up in the same style. There is absolutely the capacity to be an alpha male within you. And that's what women will find attractive consistently. I'm not saying you should become a macho chump poser that demeans and disrespects women (that's not what a real alpha male does anyway), but rather that you should identify and adopt the characteristics of an alpha male that women find attractive and craft your own new persona. Root out the JW mindset and adopt a new one. Got me?

Its time to work on yourself rather than working on trying to get laid. Its time to grow a pair of balls. Now, rather than simply saying "grow a pair of balls", let me try to help and give some recommendations of how you might go about doing that.

Get a gym membership (maybe check and see if your university has one that you can use free), and try the Starting Strength program. See here: https://www.amazon.com/Starting-Strength-Basic-Barbell-Training/dp/0982522738/

Starting strength will make a man out of you. One tip: Don't use the smith machine. Use a real squat rack. Yes, its required. Yes, with barbells.

Read this book too, its a real eye opener for reading people (including women): https://www.amazon.com/Definitive-Book-Body-Language-Expressions/dp/0553804723/

Read up on affirmations, how to make them and use them, and start using them DAILY, maybe even more often than once a day. You probably don't need a book to research this, a simple google search will do. Harness the power of positive self-talk.

The words you say to yourself in your head or mutter to yourself quietly when nobody else is listening have a huge effect on how you view yourself. And by extension, others (especially women) can sense how much value you perceive that you have, and often will treat you in accord with that value you project.

>My date was kind of rude as she actually took a phone call from her male friend within the first 10-20 minutes of the date, I think she was even flipping through Tinder as we were talking.

This should have been an early warning signal letting you know that she wasn't worth your time. She didn't value your time and presence (and that is likely because you didn't establish your own value to her).

>Of course my problems only make me feel worse as one of my roommates is like extremely fit black young Hugh Hefner. This guy fucks all the time, like weekly.

That is fucking hilarious lol, but I really sympathize with you. I'm sure its torture that he's getting laid every night and you have to listen to the fucking. Is this guy friendly towards you? Is he willing to help with your issues? You never know, he may take some pity on you and help you to work on yourself a bit. Even if he isn't, pay attention closely to his attitudes and interactions with women and with others wherever you can. Don't try to be an exact copy of him, but watch for attitudes, words, and actions that he manifests that feel right for you, and that you could adopt into your own new persona.

>I feel especially shitty as "technically" I'm not a virgin because I fucked who I thought was going to be a women through MeetMe, but it turned out to be a transgender dude, my fault I guess as further inspection of the photos made it more obvious. I was going to leave but I was persuaded by an offer of a blowjob. I figured this was the first time I was offered anything sexual and I was under a lot of family related stress at the time so I said fuck it and got a BJ, and had to reciprocate him in the backside.

This is some 4chan shit right here, so allow me to present the appropriate meme: http://www.lememe.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/55556666.png

Don't beat yourself up too bad. Its behind you, and you never have to do this again if this type of hook up is not your style.

>So apparently finding a dude that wants to fuck is incredibly easy, finding a women in my case is like hunting for the holy fucking grail.

Yes, that's the honest to god truth when you don't project enough value to others. The only people you attract are people who are as desperate as you are.

>Don't get me wrong that all I want is sex, yes sex would be awesome, but I'm not afraid to be in a relationship, but at the same time I'm not going to turn down a hookup.

This screams desperation. You need to drop this mindset immediately. (Again, affirmations will help with this)

>My philosophy is just honoring whatever dating arrangement I agree to with a person, I have no religious reasons.

Again, desperation, compliance, submission. These traits will not attract women - at least not desirable ones.

>I tried talking to some women at parties, asked one to dance and she said no, even though she was standing against the wall not doing anything...

Again, you projected a lack of value, she judged you on the surface because of the lack of value you projected, and shut you down.

>...asked another how she was doing and she said good and that was it, and I had a little more luck at my last party as I got to help a girl with her Microsoft Access homework, we high-fived and were both wasted. I asked her if she was single and she said yes, but that she was just visiting and was going back home in a couple of days, so I just shook her hand and said it was nice we met.

That didn't mean she wasn't DTF my friend. She may have just been waiting for you to move on her. Lots of times, women are waiting for a man to confidently take charge when it comes to initiating sex. I'm sure nobody ever told you that (hell, nobody told ME that!!), but it is often true :)

>I'm giving this college thing one more semester before I call it quits. I'm not going to get another degree if it requires me to be miserable and single for another 3 years. I mean I'm charting into 30 year old wizard territory at this point and it scares the shit out of me. My friends have been trying to get me to move to Florida and I just may take them up on the offer.

Changing your location without changing your mindset is not likely to make a significant change to your circumstances. Although, it could offer you the opportunity to a fresh start, which could be helpful :)

>Any advice would be appreciated, I just feel the cult has taken a huge chunk of my life away when I was supposed to learn valuable social skills. I feel like a fucking child or an alien learning how to be human, even though I have been out of the cult for quite some time now, but have really only been away from toxic family for four months.

Yes, that's probably what happened. And its up to you to change it. Nobody else is going to do it for you. So stop wallowing in your own misery and change it. (Respectfully, with tough love, man to man.)

>My plan for next semester is joining some clubs, going to bars, and going more parties, and trying to strike up more conversations with women in class getting a gym membership, working on your self esteem and your ability to project your value to the opposite sex, and learning how to interact with women in a way that makes you attractive.

>If nothing happens in the second semester I'm just going to say fuck it and move, I'm at a point in my life were I'm tired of going out to eat by myself, shopping by myself, watching movies by myself, and doing everything else by my fucking self. All I did this Thanksgiving was sleep and get drunk. I've read all those articles about "loving yourself first", this isn't a problem about loving myself, I didn't do anything wrong. I'm just so fucking sick of being alone, I don't have a family, I have no one close to me.

I feel your pain man. Now is not the time to give up, but it is time to change your approach.

No no no. Don't do what he said. Unless you're dealing with a girl that radiates "quirky".

The first reason? It could be seen as a beta move where you look away first. Like you're nervous. Then she dismisses you for being a beta bitch.

(edit: the use of "beta bitch" is getting a lot of flack. Obviously, people do not like the phrase. To me, "alpha" and "beta" refer to what a person finds attractive and unattractive. Which changes person to person. I have a friend who loves confident guys. If she makes eye contact and the guy looks away first, she loses interest. She wants a guy to hold eye contact, to challenge her. That doesn't mean a guy can't reignite interest. But eye-contact is her quick test. Some girls might HATE eye contact and think a guy who won't look away is too intense. And a guy who looks away is normal. To this girl, eye-contact guy is beta and less-eye-contact guy is more alpha. There are people who think me using the phrase "beta bitch" is beta. Where someone who says, "Just be yourself" is alpha. That's fine. But there are people who will say, "I would be myself, but I don't know what to say or do?" All I'm trying to do is provide a way to analyze the "is she checking me out" situation in a way that is as alpha/beta neutral as I can. Of course, saying "Hi" and acting natural can work and often does work. But there are plenty of times in a bar where you can go up and say "Hi!" and the girls want nothing to do with you. Not even because "they suck" or "are awful people not worth your time." Just because they're out and don't want to have to deal with dudes trying to hit on them. As someone with a lot of friends that are girls, it's painful to hear about and see how much they are approached and end up coming off as rude because guys are overly persistent. What I described here is what I have found to be the simplest and least invasive method of gauging whether or not a girl is interested.)

But say she doesn't see it like that. Say it works. She looks at the ceiling because she saw you look at the ceiling. Where do you go from here? Do you go up and say, "Hey, I saw you look at the ceiling too?" Do you just walk up and say, "Hi." What if she says, "What did you look at?" Or "Why did you look at the ceiling?" What are you going to say? "Uh. I don't know?" Or do you say something "witty" like "Checking the weather." That's just fucking weird. I mean, sure, there's probably a way to recover and move beyond this moment, but you're starting from a weird and limiting position. Worst case scenario is she doesn't say anything at all and just dismisses you as a weirdo.

Best case scenario is she's quirky and attracted to you and thinks this is a meet-cute and you're in. It can happen. But I would guess a success rate of 1 out of 30.

What you should do is check her feet. Body Language 101. The feet reflect the attention of the mind. If you're talking to someone and their feet are pointed at you, they want to be talking to you. If you're talking to someone and their feet are pointed at someone else, they're focused on that person. If their feet are pointing at the door, they want to leave. (see this book).

Next time you're just standing around in public, check where your feet are pointing. And pay attention to the feet of other people.

I've used the feet method to hook up with a number of girls. Here's what you do.

Look around the bar or party or wherever and see if any girl has a foot (or feet) pointing at you. If yes, move a few feet away. Not far enough to where you're out of her view, but enough to where she would have to adjust her foot. If her foot adjusts and points at you again, yes. Or you notice it later in the night: yes.

If you're comfortable in the situation, like it's a house party and you know a lot of the people, you can go up and introduce yourself. Ask if she and whoever she's talking to needs a drink or something. Walk away. That way you've broken the ice. You can check later to see if the girl has her foot pointed at you again. If so, you go back up and start the flirtation. Or it might be on from the very beginning.

The first time I used this, I was at a house party. One of my friends was talking this girl up, but her feet were pointed at me. I moved. She adjusted. I went up and asked my friend a question. The girl immediately introduced herself and began asking me questions and laughing at everything I said. My friend wouldn't leave. I mentioned wanting to go to the kitchen for a snack. She said she could use one too. Away we went. (In case you're concerned for my friend, he was okay; actually, he apologized for not realizing what was going on and leaving on his own.)

If you're at the bar, you don't have to do a straight approach. But you can close proximity. Usually by having a solid wingman or two. You would notice a girl looking at you. Check her feet. Her feet are pointed at you. You would finish you drink. You and your wingman/men go to the bar. Get more drinks. Be deep into conversation as you come away from the bar. Casually near the girl/her group but not as though you're approaching her. Head near her as though on accident. Stay engaged in the conversation. Stop walking to have the conversation. Laugh. Hold your own in that spot. The conversation can slow and now you're just in that spot. This position affords you many opportunities. The girl can now get your attention. Or you could overhear something her group is talking about and get involved in the conversation. If you're feeling real good, you could just transition to the group with a simple "Hey. My beer tastes awful. What are you all drinking?" and slowly work to your target. Be sure to check her feet. If they want to talk to you, they'll respond to your question. If they don't, they won't. The question doesn't really matter. Imagine DiCaprio breaking the ice with a group of girls. They won't give two fucks about how he starts the conversation because they want to talk to him. If girls don't want to talk to you, a clever line might win them over. But if they do want to talk to you, you don't have to try hard or do anything fancy. The important thing is not to bore them.

Some of this might sound complicated. But it's really not. Once you get used to it, it's very simple.

(edit There are people who claim this isn't natural. Social interaction is a skill, just like anything else. Dribbling a basketball can seem unnatural, but once you do it enough it becomes natural. Same with this. When described in a such a way, yes, it sounds forced. But if someone were to describe their "natural" approach in a self-reflective manner (and not just, "I don't know man, I just do what I do."), it would, I suspect, sound unnatural and calculated. In one comment, someone mentioned "hoop jumping". Whether you like it or not, hoop jumping happens. Some guys actively do it. Others don't think about it. But every romantic interaction is an escalation of hoop jumping. "Talk to me." "Let me touch you." "Touch me." "Let's kiss." "Let's spend time together alone." Every friendship is hoop jumping. Every social interaction is hoop jumping. Some people might be great with hoops and it comes "natural". Others have no idea. But once they become aware and practice using hoops, they can become natural and then romance isn't so hit or miss.)

Oh, if you're at a club--god help you. Just take shots and dance as though the world were ending.

----

I hope the above edits helped clarify. I'm not trying to be a monster. Yes, this is a huge block of text. But social interaction isn't easy for everyone. There are a lot of people who won't care about anything that I said. Which is fine. But there are some people who might learn something. So I went into detail. I know how lost I was when I was a freshman in college. I would have appreciated this information. I don't believe in "Game". I think canned routines are gross. That negs are gross. That AMOG-ing (being the alpha male of the group ("alpha" in the classical "dominance" sense this time)) is gross. I'm all for being yourself. But that doesn't mean "yourself" isn't flawed. If there's something I believe in more than "be yourself" it's "better yourself". Learning how social interactions work--why you were successful or unsuccessful--is part of that process.

Here's hoping I learned how to write a better Reddit post.

Hey man, I'm 23 years old, and I was a pretty big loner too back in high school. I'm still very much an introvert but I'm far from the social recluse I was back then. What I'm about to write probably won't change your life around, but at the very least I hope you might one day reflect back on it and hopefully help you a little bit.

For starters, high school doesn't really matter. It might seem like the biggest thing in your life currently (or not), but most of it won't affect you years later. Even now, some of the more popular kids I knew back in high school have retained like 2-3 friends from back then at most, while everyone else faded away and gone about their own ways. The people that will actually matter, as in your love life and work life, are the people you'll meet outside of high school.

Second, friends and connections don't come without effort. Life isn't some romance-comedy film, where you, the protagonist, meets some whimsical girl on a whim and suddenly click with her. You have to put yourself out there. Now I know, that's pretty much the opposite of what being an introvert is, but here's the thing, I'm not telling you to become an extrovert, far from it. I'm proud to be an introvert, and I'm happy to correct anyone who says/accuses me of having social anxiety, etc. That being said, I don't shy away from opportunities.

What exactly does that mean? Well, for starters, really analyze yourself as a person. What do you enjoy? What do you like? Video games? Anime? My Little Ponies? Death Metal? Soccer? LARPing? Fantasy novels? Game of Thrones? Are you Asian? Black? Indian? It doesn't matter, because I can fucking guarantee you right now that there's someone at your school who shares the same interests, but you have to make the effort to find them. How? Well, clubs and activities are a good place to start, if your interests line with one that's available at your school. Does your school have some online forum? Trying seeking people there. Point is, you're not the only person at your school with your tastes, but you're not going to find them without at least making some effort. But here's the thing. If you don't or can't find anyone by the time you graduate, it's okay. The world is a big place. In the last 5 years since I've graduated, I've met people with similar interests as me in places I never thought I would. I promise you that you will too.

Third, start caring about your physical appearance. I don't give a damn if you're the kind of kid who thinks worrying about how you look is superficial and shallow and you're above it all, because believe it or not, how you make yourself appear matters a whole lot more than you think, not just in social settings, but in your work life as well. No one's going to hire some punk ass teen who looks like he hasn't showered in days and smells like he hasn't brushed his teeth in weeks, and wears baggy ass clothes that don't fit. You might think you look cool now, but let me point you to /r/blunderyears and show you how much of a fool you might look. Start eating healthy and go buy nice, fitting clothes. Button ups, collar shirts, plain-color Tees, etc., I recommend /r/malefashionadvice, even if it has a tendency to circlejerk at times. Start hitting the gym regularly. Trust me, no one judges you, and no one cares you're there, if gym anxiety is what you're afraid of. I'm not making fun of you or criticizing you, we've all been there. It's better for you to realize it sooner and start working on it now than to be an unfortunate (yet hilarious) individual who ends up posting in that subreddit. Bless those souls who have the courage to post there, because I have my fair share of blunder pics that I'm too embarrassed to ever put on a public forum.

Fourth, don't be an asshole. This is purely anecdotal, you may not be like this at all, but when I was in high school I was an elitist prick. I thought I was cool for listening to indie and hating on mainstream radio songs and was a judgmental asshole. I also thought anyone who was religious was an idiot for believing in the supernatural. I studied philosophy, works like Thoreau, Kant, Marx, etc. I thought I was so much smarter than everyone. In retrospect, it's that kind of attitude that repelled people. Look, if you have some passion or interest that you have some insight or knowledge into, that's great! But don't shoehorn it into a conversation unless it's with someone who shares the same interests, and don't act like you're better for having some niche interest. Everyone you meet is your superior, because everyone you meet knows more than you on something, so treat everyone with respect.

Lastly, I highly recommend reading these two books: How to Win Friends & Influence People and Introvert Advantage (both non-affiliate links). I know, it's a silly sounding book, I sure as hell was embarrassed when I bought it. Hell, you might even think the contents of the book are obvious. But in the last 5 years since I've read that book, I ended up employing a lot of the techniques in that book without realizing, and it's paid off. Even if you think it's stupid, as long as you keep the key points of the book in mind, you will subconsciously execute them in social settings, and you will see it pay off, I promise. The second book, Introvert Advantage, will help give insight into your life in more ways than most people in your life will be capable of, because the book will understand you. Your parents, your guidance counselor, or hell your therapist if you have one might not, because not everyone understands what it's like to be an introvert, but this book will. Try giving both a read.

More than anything, I want you to know that high school isn't the end all be all that defines how you'll live for the rest of your life. I was borderline suicidal in high school. Thoughts of how to kill myself was my only solace at night. I honestly thought I would have ended up offing myself by the time I was in my mid-20s, but here I am, happier than I ever was back then. It takes time, a little bit of luck, but mostly a lot of effort on your part.

Ahh one of the problems young men face in today's society, the absence of a rite of passage. That sounds similar to what you're looking for; this article touches on it a bit.


> At the heart of the modern crisis of manhood is the extension of adolescence, a boyhood which is stretching on for a longer and longer period of time. Once thought to end in a man’s 20s at the latest, men are extending their adolescence into their 30′s and in some especially sad cases, their 40′s.

>But in some ways it’s not their fault. It’s the fault of a culture in which rites of passage have all but disappeared, leaving men adrift and lost, never sure when and if they’ve become men. Today’s men lack a community of males to initiate them into manhood and to recognize their new status.

>Across time and place, cultures have inherently understood that without clear markers on the journey to manhood, males have a difficult time making the transition and can drift along indefinitely. Thus, rites of passage were clearly delineated in nearly every culture as one of the community’s most important rituals.

I'm not sure of a suitable challenge or hardship for you, that's something that only you can decide. There's a few simple tasks that if done daily can improve your life.

I'll start with the easy stuff:

Fitness:

1.) Start Weightlifting

You're 18 years old and in relatively good shape i'm assuming ("biked through some mountainous canadian villages,"). There's literally no reason for you not to weightlift or run.

Weightlifting:

• Because you're 18, you'll make strength gains pretty quickly.
  
• You only need to weightlift 3 days a week (45-60 mins per session. Most of the time you'll be sitting down resting in between sets).
  
• In 2 months (probably less) your results will be visible, you'll feel stronger, more confident, have more energy, etc.
  
• The endorphin's released after a workout are awesome.
  
  
  Here are few progress pics from /r/Fitness : [1] [2] [3]
  
  Please tell me you'll start weightlifting or at least running; time will pass whether or not you lift, best to make gains along the way :)
  
  Find a powerlifting gym in your area (they're generally cheaper than commercial gyms, allow you to grunt, use chalk, and actually lift heavy weight)
  
  Meditate:
  
  Start to meditate everyday.
  
  >Benefits to meditation
  >Like exercise, your benefits will depend on your efforts.
  
  >Greater mental abilities as the mind concentrates with greater ease and there is less restless thought happening.
  
  >Greater insights into your own behavior and that of others, so the ability to live with less regret happens.
  
  >Greater physical abilities as the awareness of the body is increased, as well as the ability to visualize--if that is your objective.
  
  >Greater emotional clarity as one learns to deal with and release difficult emotions.
  
  >A greater feeling of contentment and oneness with life as the obstructions in the mind recede.
  
  Philosophy:
  
  Begin to read and study philosophy.
  
  Good Introductory Books are:
  
  

1. The Problems of Philosophy - Bertrand Russell
   
2. Sophie's World -
   
   
   One really good lecture series on ethics:
   
   Justice: What's The Right Thing To Do? Episode 01 "THE MORAL SIDE OF MURDER"
   
   Social Skills:
   
   Go out and meet knew people, fool around with girls, talk to strangers, etc. Try to stay away from the computer as much as possible.
   
   
3. /r/seduction (Read all of the sidebar, even if you never want to pickup women it's just great life advice).
   
4. /r/socialskills
   
5. /r/SocialEngineering
   
   All have some damn good articles and posts on body language, self-confidence, etc... that'll make you a lot more confident in social situations if you go out and practice; talking to a human, whether it's a boss or a cute girl on the street, is a learn-able skill that can be improved.
   
   Read How to Make Friends & Influence People. The title is not the best but it's a classic book and insanely useful.
   
   Read:
   
   Delete your Reddit account, stop watching television, and read.
   
   Read Plato, Marcus Aurelius, Camus, Thoreau, and Orwell. Read Rumi, Kahlil Gibran, and Keats. Read old english, sci-fi, old fantasy novels, etc.
   
   A few lists:
   
   
6. Art of Manliness
   
   
7. Reddit threads: [1] [2] [3] [4]
   
   Reddit's Favorite Books
   
   Benefits of reading:
   
   

• It'll really open your mind to the vastness of the world
  
• You'll realize that anything you "have ever thought/felt has been thought/felt by men for ages before me and will be for ages after."
  
• You'll mature.
  
  Create something:
  
  Whether you write stories, music, or draw try to create something. Try to write 300 words everyday on any topic you want, a random dream you had, tasty food, etc.
  
  Travel:
  
  Work on a farm for a week or two while staying in the home of complete strangers. Helpx
  Miscellaneous things:
  
  Misc:
  
  /r/LucidDreaming
  
  
  tl;dr
  
  Make the most of your time and try to improve yourself as much as possible in the next 300 days; whether physically (weightlifting!), mentally, or spiritually.
  
  Decrease reddit/internet use and go outside, hit on random beautiful women, make new friends, etc.

Other people here may think this is silly, but I don't.

I totally understand, as I have at one point in my life derived exactly that from sleeping around (never when I was in a relationship tho). It does make a big difference in this area.

There are, however, other ways to obtain self-confidence and self-esteem. This may also sound silly to a lot of people, but one of the things I did was buy a motorcycle, and let me tell you, there's very few things that make me feel like so much of a man as zipping past heavy traffic in the commuter lane, or splitting lanes, reducing my commute time by 50%. Sex does the same thing, especially when I'm being dominant. My current girlfriend likes and encourages me to be dominant in the bedroom, and let me tell you... nothing like finishing inside her (she's on the pill) after I've called all the shots, told her that she's my woman, and done everything I've wanted to do to her. It's extremely validating when, in the moments after, she cuddles up next to me, looking flushed and satisfied, and confident in me as a man. It is possible to obtain part (but not all) of your self-esteem and confidence from one woman alone--you just need to be able to express yourself fully and have her absolutely love it the way my girlfriend does.

Anyhow, it sounds to me like in your current relationship you might not feel comfortable expressing your yourself/your manliness, or may be you're just not comfortable with it at all, even outside of a relationship. It's possible that your girlfriend has issues with expression of yourself/manliness and so you are conditioned away from expressing it. Been there in a previous relationship so I know this can seriously effect your self-esteem and confidence. Talk to her about it--most women "secretly" (or not so secretly) want a partner who's manly and dominant in the bedroom and usually out of the bedroom too.

To save your relationship, you need to find a way to express your manliness in a non-sexual way--whatever way works best for you, be it a motorcycle, sports, power tools, martial arts, or whatever creative and unique way you come up with on your own.

I'd also recommend seeing if you can try being a bit more dominant in the bedroom too, or at least expressing yourself fully and passionately. Once you get comfortable with it, chances are she'll enjoy it too. I'm lucky to have a girlfriend that openly wants me to be dominant in the bedroom--she makes it clear that she wants it so I don't have to worry about offending her. (A lot of women these days..)

Finally you need to determine what being a man means to you... There are two books I'd recommend: Way of the Superior Man (a great book with a stupid title) and Real Men Don't Apologize. The former is somewhat spiritual in nature, the latter appeals to a wider audience. Get the audio books if you need to--I did. Some people may think these books are full of misogyny, but in fact, nothing could be further from the truth. They are more about finding your identity as a man, and part of that, both books emphasize, is respect for women and the light they can bring to our lives.

Addendum: I also wanted to clarify: you cannot get all of your confidence and self-esteem from sleeping with a lot of women. Do this too much and it'll become addictive and ultimately lead to a loss of confidence and self-esteem. (Been there, done that!) You need multiple sources of confidence and self-esteem, sex and feeling desired by other people can only be one of the ways you obtain these things. Otherwise, the pursuit is ultimately fruitless and empty. It seems great at first, but after a while, you'll end up hating yourself far more than you would have otherwise.

This is all advice from a 36 year old male who's never been married and has slept with a lot of women. Trust me, it's not all its cracked up to be.

Hey friend
Thanks for sharing and your vulnerability.

Would you believe that I can actually relate to you? I can in more ways than you can imagine. I was celibate throughout my 20's because I was religious. No fapping...no porn...no sex. I love sex! But I was told bad things would happen if I had sex by religious leaders and believed them. Later I got married to a woman I wasn't attracted to for religious reasons too. It is a common theme for much of my life. 5 years ago I was going nuts. I had never had good sex and I wanted it so bad. This wasn't possible with my wife.

I stared seeing prostitutes. At first it was the best thing in the world. I could have sex with beautiful woman and I just had to give them money. But I soon realized I longed for connection more than sex. When I realized that I couldn't get that connection with a prostitute I started having ED too. Embarrassing is an understatement. I feel you there. But it was because I was wanting to connect on a heart level and I needed a relationship where I felt safe to do that. I wasn't living in my truth and was living to try to fit into what I thought everyone else wanted me to be instead of saying, "this is me! I love who I am! I may be weird and some of you may choose to ditch me because they don't get me. But those who choose to know me will find that I have a heart of gold and will be my friend for life."

Cheating on my wife with prostitutes is not a "heart of gold" act. I wanted I make that clear. But I told my wife everything and we got a divorce.

After I was free to explore I did. People had questioned my sexuality for years. I never felt gay but I thought I might as well give it a try. I tried it a few times and couldn't get into it. I now know from experience that I am straight. But if I wasn't that would have been cool too.
I think it's awesome that you are "man" enough to explore your sexuality. You should be proud of that.

I love that you spend time in meditation. 40 minutes a day is great.


I have a some specific advice for you that I think might help a lot.

There is a book called the magdalen manuscripts. It is about sacred sexuality and sex magic. It is like merging sex and meditation. I think that you are having such a hard time with sex because your guides don't want you to waste your time with shallow sex. They want you to experience the best sex possible. I can tell by your writing that you have the heart to have this kind of sex. Not everyone can do it. It takes the ability to meditate and a gentle spirit which I see in you.

Here is what I recommend and I want you to know that I am doing the same thing now.

Get the book and read it. Or even better read it with a girl you want to explore sacred sexuality with. I met the most beautiful woman the other night. We talked and really connected. She gets back from a trip on Saturday. I am going to ask her to read the book with me. We will read it to each other and then practice it together.

I would even be open to staying in contact with you and comparing notes. I am new to this too but I know that it's real and it had not yet hit the mainstream yet. Oh but trust me it will. I have ideas :)

Either way. I wish you well. You are not alone and to me you are a beautiful example of a human being trying your best to figure this life thing out. You are on your way.


Here is a link to the book
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/193103205X/ref=redir_mdp_mobile

And here's another
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1591792576/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1372806050&sr=8-1&pi=SL75

I am obsessed. Here is my current collection:

Most of these you can find on thepiratebay / etc, but I own a hard copy of all of these except for The Mystery Method, which I read probably 5 times before I found Magic Bullets (actually don't own that either, just the pdf). I'll add to this list if I think of more.

Must Reads:

Magic Bullets - Savoy ==>> [Torrent] it's expensive!

• This book is so excellent. It's like a PUA encyclopedia. It walks you through the process, and cites every major text along the way.. none of this "my way works best" crap, but not afraid to make judgments either. For pickup books that employ some form of the M3 Model (however loosely.. which I think means: everyone except Ross Jeffries), this is the authoritative text. If you have an approach that is proven, important, and credible, then it is probably cited in this book.
  
  Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion - Robert Cialdini
  
  
• I got this book because it is #1 on this list. Turns out, it is the modern version of Dale Carnegie's How To Win Friends and Influence People (see review below).. only this time, it's by someone who knows a thing or two about applied psychology (which either didn't exist back then, or was too under-developed to matter). This guy freaking went undercover as a used car salesman, working with fundraisers, etc. Interestingly enough, I bought this book in the same order as The Game, and in chapter 1 Strauss mentions reading Cialdini's book to prepare for a trip to Belgrade with Mystery, which was his formal introduction into the PUA community.
  
  The Art of Seduction - Robert Greene
  
  
• I'm not done with this one yet, but I will say this: if you have a conscience, don't read this. It really is a fascinating study of seduction, but it does focus on seduction as a tool to victimize people.. That said, unlike your typical pick-up type book which does not bother to categorize gamers' personality types, this book categorizes different "types" of seducers. This is extremely helpful because you can figure out what type of seducer fits you best, and what things you need to focus on to improve your game.
  
  How to Win Friends & Influence People - Dale Carnegie
  
  
• This book has sold over 15 million copies. It was originally written in 1937, but has been revised once or twice since it became the best selling self-help type book of all time, which it probably still is. He walks you through the basic principles of how to motivate people.. what works, what doesn't.. etc. Fun, easy, captivating read. It looks thick, but I think I unintentionally read it cover to cover in one sitting the first time I read it in college.. so it's a quick read.
  
  
  Should reads:
  
  The Game - Neil Strauss
  
  
• I think this is one of the best selling pick-up type books. I liked reading it, but it was less of a tutorial book and more of an autobiography.. it does get the job done though. It also is a very entertaining read, and if you doubt that PUA stuff actually works, this will prove to you otherwise because Strauss was a very timid and ugly mofo, but he fucked Jenna Jameson.
  
  The Mystery Method : How to Get Beautiful Women Into Bed - Mystery, Chris Odom, Neil Strauss
  
  
• This introduced me into the world of PUA my senior year of college when I inadvertently stumbled upon a torrent of it (I was probably looking for something to jerk off to. How poetic). I downloaded it just to skim through it skeptically, but this book eventually introduced me to a whole new world. This is an excellent staple / beginner's text, even though I now recommend Magic Bullets because it is so much more objective and inclusive of alternate styles and approaches along the way.
  
  How to Get the Women You Desire into Bed - Ross Jeffries
  
  
• Not done with this yet, but Ross Jeffries is a freak (not meant to be insulting to him). I have no doubt that his methods are effective, but they are very different. And he really seems a bit evil, as opposed to merely mischievous like most other PUAs are. I haven't decided how incompatible, if not just different, his methods are with the Mystery / Strauss crowd.. but then again, I have never field tested any of his methods myself.
  
  Truth in Comedy: The Manual of Improvisation - Charna Halpern, Del Close, Kim Johnson
  
  
• A close friend of mine who studied improv in New York lent me this, and I forgot about it until recently -- but it is a very short but brilliant book about comedy. I'm listening now to David DeAngelo's Cock Comedy series, and I realized that almost everything he's saying is straight out of this little text. It's not really something essential for pick-up, which is why I wouldn't put it in Must Reads, but it is excellent nonetheless.
  
  
  Meh, they're alright:
  
  The Pickup Artist: The New and Improved Art of Seduction - Mystery, Neil Strauss
  
  
• You can definitely get some good stuff out of this book, but the whole thing comes across as an excuse for Mystery to brag about how awesome he is. He seriously spends an entire chapter (maybe more) telling a story about him bragging to other PUAs. He does deserve it though, the man is the single most influential PUA ever, if not the most successful in the field.
  
  Rules of the Game - Neil Strauss
  
  
• This is one of those books that you read once a day for 30 days, and write down statements of intent right in the book like "it is my goal to lose my virginity before my next birthday in 3 months." Probably good for beginners, but I skimmed through this after having been gaming in the field for several months.
  
  Haven't read yet:
  
  What Every BODY is Saying: An Ex-FBI Agent's Guide to Speed-Reading People - Joe Navarro, Marvin Karlins
  
  
• This looks really good.
  
  NLP: The New Technology of Achievement - NLP Comprehensive
  
  Easy Mind-Reading Tricks - Robert Mandelberg, Ferruccio Sardella
  
  Palm Reading for Beginners: Find Your Future in the Palm of Your Hand (For Beginners (Llewellyn's)) - Richard Webster
  
  There are also some good videos out there (links are to torrents. these are all several hundred $$):
  
  
  Excellent Videos
  
  The Annihilation Method - Neil Strauss
  
  
• I met a guy who said he was looking around his apartment for things to sell so he could afford the $375 this costs. apparently he didn't think to check thepiratebay ;)
  
  Mystery and Style
  
  
• The videos of Mystery in here are just excellent. It's very interesting to see Mystery actually interacting with other people (not in a set), since he is the god of pick-up.
  
  Decent Videos
  
  Psychic Influence - Ross Jeffries
  
  
• This is interesting.. I'm not much of a Jeffries guy though, mostly because he's the most oddball of the group, and I haven't studied his material enough.

Sorry if this list is a bit long, this is kind of an obsession of mine. No one source is really all encompassing, but each one offers a different point of view. They also may seem like slightly odd choices, however I have found each one very useful when it comes to understanding how people work. If you want a more streamlined set of sources just use every other link. (I don't know how well these work if you have any sort of innate understanding of body language, but they are excellent for beginners).

Tricks of the Mind - Derren Brown - This isn't the sort of book you would imagine when looking for body language guides, and in fact it doesn't even scratch the surface of how complex our bodies are. However it does contain what I consider to be the most important thing when learning to read people, which is the concept of relativity. Lots of sources give set actions and ascribe to them a meaning based only on the movement, but people are so wonderfully complex that this doesn't work all the time. Derren instead comes up with the concept of relativity - the idea that everybody has their own baseline for body language, and that in order to read body language effectively you need to take into account the divergence from this person's normal body language instead of just looking at their actions in a vacuum. It's also a fascinating read throughout and cites numerous other books you can use if you want more sources.


Changing Minds - this is a very good resource for looking up on any one area of body language you feel you may be rusty on, as opposed to a complete guide. Everything is organised by mood and then by body part, so you can focus on whatever you want. It also covers many other related areas and little tricks for surviving interpersonal relationships.


The Game - Neil Strauss / Fastseduction - Again, odd choices for someone looking to learn how to read body language. These are more of a meta-read than actual sources on body language, as they don't go into body language in much detail at all. Honestly I wouldn't recommend these at all if it weren't for another concept that is introduced through them called Inner Game. Inner Game is about taking all the information that you have gleaned from days surrounded by words -all the actions, routines, and painfully memorized sequences - and inserting it into your daily life, with the aim of having them completely internalized and instinctual. In the book Strauss goes to some crazy pick-up gurus and gets hypnotised over the course of a weekend to try and improve his Inner Game, but honestly that's not necessary. I feel that the concept is very much related to the phrase "Fake it 'till you make it" - just as the man looking to become more confident must put on a façade and keep confidence in mind at all times until the adopted mannerisms become habit, if you want to read people you have to pay attention to everything around you and compare it with what you know. After a while you will find that it takes less and less time to understand what a particular stance suggests, and eventually you won't have to consciously think about it at all. So yeah, not very good for body language outside of one specialist area but excellent for state of mind. There may also be a seduction community on reddit, though I couldn't speak for their body language resources.

Peoplewatching - Desmond Morris - This is one of the single greatest books ever written. It was originally released as Manwatching in the late 1970s and is a staggeringly useful guide to body language. It looks at human behaviour through a zoological lens, giving it a more sterile feel than the more well known guides, but covers everything perfectly. This is I feel the perfect introduction to the subject, covering what body language conveys and speculating on how it came about without attaching too much meaning to any one gesture.

The Definitive Book of Body Language - Allan + Barbara Pease - This is almost an obligatory mention. I don't like this book. It's undoubtedly an excellent resource on the subject, and covers most topics in a nice, well-ordered manner, but I can't bring myself to like it. It has something to do with the attitude of the book I think - right from the title the authors try and place themselves somewhere up above normal humans, and the entire book has an underlying air of condescension combined with complete confidence that what it says is 100% correct and a corresponding smugness. It is also guilty of the worst crime possible (aside from the aformentioned certainty) when discussing body language, which is dressing up speculation and correlation as fact. The book is littered with speculation on numerous topics that are stated without any nod to the fact that it is in fact speculation, such as the line 'Henry VIII popularised this gesture (pursed lips) as a high-status signal because of his small mouth and modern Brits and Americans still use it'. Here I opened the book to a random page and read the first sentence I could. This sounds like an excellent fun fact except for the complete lack of evidence, and this is repeated on every single page of the book. So, while it is an excellent source for body language, please read it with an open mind and salt at the ready.



There are probably hundreds of books and websites I've missed, but hopefully those should help a bit.

Edit: As mentioned above Lie to Me and the Mentalist are good as TV goes, but I might recommend Psych over both of them just because of the way it deals with it - there is some body language stuff in there to pick up on (occasionally), but mostly it's just a hilarious and spectacular show.

Female introvert here!

All right. I know you say you've already read up on the basics, but I can't help throwing in this cartoon - it's too good/simple/accurate not to. :)

Secondly: get THIS BOOK - The Introvert Advantage by Marti Olsen Laney, Psy.D - from the library or bookstore (it's worth buying, honestly). It's largely written towards introverts, but this perspective will, if I'm not wrong, really help you step into her shoes and see it her way. PLUS there's an entire section specifically on relationship dynamics between different introvert/extrovert pairings.

A few more notes:

This girl sounds really good for you, honestly. If you've never felt this intense about love before, just know that the intensity might not last, but the depth of feelings can stick around. You sound pretty twitterpated, buddy - and that's a good thing! - but don't expect it to stay exactly like this. I like that you're actively working to make the relationship even better than it currently is, that's a great skill. :)

Your worries that you were more into her than vice-versa? Totally normal, yet often incorrect, fears in this kind of dynamic. As you may know, we introverts do a lot more thinking and less talking... we might work and play around with a sentence for hours so we can say it just right. As for her direct comments, that's an awesome sign - she is absolutely picking up on your signals and I'll bet she's putting premeditated thought into those things she says with the intent of easing your mind and being two-directional with the communication.

Written communication, like that note? Bingo. Most introverts LOVE written communication especially for serious or more confrontational issues. It's often more difficult for us to talk about these things in person where on-the-spot responses are needed - we don't get enough time to mull things over and figure out how best to say what we really want to say. So if you want her thoughts on a serious topic or she seems less-than completely comfortable and natural about discussing something you've brought up, write her a note (email is great) telling her you'd love to have a written conversation about it and to take as long as she needs replying. Reply back, etc. Once you've "broken the ice" discussing a topic in this way, she may feel more comfortable discussing it in person and the convo can transition smoothly and comfortably to real-time discussion.

Best of luck, you seem like a great guy. :)

Not sure if you're only looking for fiction or an entertaining read, but here are some "self help" books which have blown my mind and have had a huge impact on my life for the better. I wouldn't personally call them "self help" books, but rather, books for everyone seeking to improve themselves and learn how to make a happier life for themselves and others. Please don't be put off by the nature of these "self help" books - a few years ago I was of the belief that these were only for social retards and people with psychological issues, but I've since learned that these books can pretty much improve the life of anyone in the world in some way. Some of the things I learned in these books were so profound I had to put the book down in shock just to process it all.

Vital Lies, Simple Truths by Daniel Goleman

This shows how everyone (including yourself) will always see the world subjectively according to their own personal experiences and bias - whether being conscious of it or not. It'll really show you how to read more into interpersonal relations and develop a far better insight into how people (and perhaps even you) think mentally. Of course it's human nature for people to think they're perfectly rational, but this book shows how to recognise how people will subconsciously deceive themselves into seeing the world as the mind wants to see it.

The Definitive Book of Body Language by Barbara and Allan Pease

As the title suggests, this shows you how to read into body language. This really blew my mind - with this you will learn how to read FAR more into people and more effectively project desired attitudes of your own onto others. This will teach you things that most people are totally oblivious to, and yet, by understanding body language you will be able to tell so much more about people from it - this has taught me how to find out what people are actually thinking.

How to Argue & Win Every Time by Gerry Spence

Don't be fooled by the title - this book is not so much about arguing as it is about getting what you want with people and in life. Written by one of the world's best trial lawyers, it'll teach you how to more effectively communicate and connect with others in order to get what you and others want. At first I was averse to reading anything from a lawyer, but he really surprised me on this one - it was a hugely entertaining read and his words were some of the wisest I've ever read.

Comedy Writing Secrets by Mel Helitzer

This will teach you how to be funny! Of course, this sounds stupid and one might think that this kind of thing can't be learned, but I promise you that no matter who you are, if you read this you'll become a far more interesting person.

I don't know if these were the kind of books that you were looking for, but I hope this comes to some help to at least one Redditor out there. It's just that all of these books have greatly improved my life, and I wish I could have found these earlier. Plus it'd be nice if people would give more heartfelt suggestions on where to find more books like these - hope this helps =)

Part of my divorce was what you describe - and my ex is not living "a happier" life.

I do understand your position, and you probably feel underappreciated or alone..... but you need to also try and give your husband the benefit of the doubt ($1000s in therapy and that was the best advice - it is simple and true). He too is working and exhausted, he too needs love and attention..... He too needs to escape (TV or other distractions).... And these times are difficult, children are difficult. You should ask yourself how he has changed, has his dream of an "authentic life" really disappeared? Probably not, he is just getting up and working to make sure the house is over your head and food on your plate. He probably has shifted his view of the world as well, kids will do that.... He probably wants to see your kids have the best outcome - and that might not be a tiny home, home schooled while driving around the world... He probably is trying to make sure there is stability in their life.

Have you gone on a date with him recently? Have you tried to talk with him and work on your physical relationship? Have you tried? Marriage is hard, and divorce will not make it easier and the courts will definitely reduce your "dreams of an authentic" life because they only care about consistency and predictable future for your children.

Another "$1000s advice from marriage therapy", you need to create positivity in your relationship. It does not happen naturally, it is work and it is intentional. Stop expecting from him and stepup to create a better relationship for you and him. A healthy relationship needs 4 out of 5 (generic #s) to be successful. If you have more negative, then you will have a unrealistic and unhealthy belief your husband is a "problem".

Marriage is tough, mainly because you are doing things out of love. Being a mother is tough, because you are constantly being selfless (and fatherhood is the same - he too is giving up on dreams and being selfless)....try reading 7 principals that make a marriage work (link below), it is a interactive marriage book for couples.... And you would be surprised at how not unique your marriage difficulties are, at how "textbook" your situation is.... A lot of people struggle with your exact issues and situation.... A lot of marriages end do to the transition from "ideal love" to "fuck: kids, work and family are taxing in life".

And... To counter your issues, ask yourself how "free" your life will be when you are single and working to stay a float. Having to do 100% of your life work and planning... Trust me, that dream of a unique life will be harder to accomplish. How unique will it be dating again, trust me it is not that cool and unique having 1 night stands and being disappointed over and over again.

Try and talk with your husband about your dreams and needs, and ask that he really listens to you.... And then you need to drink a dose of reality and be patient. Life will happen and give both of you time to reacclimate to life as parents.

But, honestly... if anything, try to work on your relationship... It is the easiest and most rewarding work you can do. There are great resources out there. If you choose therapy, be judgemental and picky because there are bad therapist out there. The tpey of therapy that I appreciated was EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy). It is research based and focused on bad habits.

Here is a start:
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert https://www.amazon.com/dp/0609805797/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_mAQuDbWNFBMXB

Take care, you can do this! Because, being loving and supportive parents and not divorced is a unique life... Try to change your perspective. (But don't run away from your dreams, just plan and live them out).

Hey there!

Glad to hear there is another potential animator/artist in the world :)
A lot of your question depends on your budget as tablets can get very expensive very quickly based on size and quality. For instance buying something that lets you draw directly on the screen is going to run you several hundred dollars for the lowest tier models (Wacom Cintiq's are currently considered the gold standard but their monitors and tablets start at over $1000 new so that is out of the question for most people and definitely not worth it for a beginner). So if she's just wanting to explore, a drawing app on a samsung galaxy tablet is a cheaper option that works great for beginners and allows them to work directly on screen. Plus is she loses interest you'll still have a tablet to use for other things.

However most people start with something like a Wacom Bamboo tablet. They are high quality, very responsive, and made by Wacom (the current industry leader) for a much more reasonable price. However you're drawing on a tablet placed on a desk while watching your work on a separate monitor and this can take some serious getting used to. Once you've got it figured out though they're great (they come in various sizes and are used by professionals throughout various industries)!

As for software consider these:
Art/Drawing - Sketchbook Pro

Animation - Anime Studio 10
keep in mind animation programs can be tough to learn so she'll definitely need to watch tutorials online. However this is an awesomely priced option with a lot of great features to make jumping-in easy



If she really catches the animation bug there are two books that are wonderful (although they are thick and may be better for when she is a little older? Up to you but they could make great future gifts):
Animator's Survival Kit by Richard Williams

and

The Illusion of Life by Ollie Johnson and Frank Thomas - Two of Disney's original master animators known as the Nine Old Men

Anyway that's a quick rundown of where equipment and resources stand. If I were you I'd probably go for the bamboo tablet and Sketchbook Pro to get started (for drawing) + Anime Studio 10 if animation is definitely something she wants to explore as all these items are an outstanding value for what they offer.

If things get super serious as she gets older prices begin to jump up very quickly (especially on the software side) but I believe the items listed above should suit her perfectly for at least through all her high school years. As she improves and explores you'll naturally learn what all the tools and options are on your own, as well as what her preferences are.

3D animation as a whole is a different beast that is very computer/technical heavy with a steeper learning curve. So if she wants to start trying that it becomes a whole different realm as you'll need a solid PC and a lot of time and patience when it comes to learning one of the various computer graphics programs out there.

Hope this helps at least a little! Good luck, and feel free to PM any time :)

You're exactly the sort of person who will eventually stumble into the seduction community. You could do worse, but first, some warnings...

1. It's like any other group: A belief in self-superiority because of knowledge that the public at large does not have that they regard as valuable. That doesn't actually make them any better.
   
   
2. Do not start playing a character. Of all the advice, all the routines, all the lines, there is no substitute for having an actual personality. Yes, you can pretend to be someone you're not, but that means whenever you're around that person, you have to pretend to be someone you're not. How long can you keep that up for? You're not a secret agent. Be yourself, but be the best version of yourself.
   
   
3. Be prepared for the arms race. You are now in competition with many other men (dozens at a party, thousands to millions in your city, billions worldwide). You are going to win some and you are going to lose some. Be prepared for both. In your case, it's winning that's going to be harder to deal with: It's the unknown. Embrace the unknown.
   
   That said...
   
   > How do I overcome my inexperience?
   
   AndyNemmity said it: Practice.
   
   > Should I ever tell women that I'm inexperienced? (I tried this once and it might've put her off.)
   
   I would say, yes, you should; if nothing else, when asked, but I don't recommend bringing it up. This is really your call. Different people will react in different ways. It's going to take some time to learn what those ways will be.
   
   > What should I do about my emotions showing up like yesterday?
   I think my self-esteem problem comes from my inexperience, but is there anything I can do specifically for that problem?
   
   You are not going for 100%. You are going for 5%. Out of 20, 19 are practice. Act on your emotions as soon as you get an inkling of them. Regret lasts so much longer than rejection.
   
   > I'm starting to use dating sites. Do you have any ideas for my circumstances? (Maybe I should look for a short-term relationship, or more women in the 18-22 range, or older women?)
   
   Every word counts. Give people something to build on. Make sure your profile has lots of things to talk about. You are awesome. You make awesome into a verb. Be as positive as possible: Nothing has ever gone wrong in your life.
   
   When you reach out to someone, make sure that there's something obvious to respond to. Ask an open-ended question about their profile. "Hi, how's it going?" is good enough in real life, but sucks online.
   
   > Is it wrong for me to turn down interested women? (Like the "love" case above, but maybe I should just do it anyway. That doesn't seem fair to anyone.)
   
   It might be right for you. This is something only you can decide. Is a relationship with this woman an improvement in your life? Maybe, maybe not.
   
   > Should I learn/accomplish/do something to stand out of the crowd?
   I try to strike up a conversation before asking someone out to get some comfort in learning a little about them. Is this a bad approach? It probably limits my options.
   
   If you have everyone's attention, you are making an impression on anyone you might be interested in. This is a two-way street, so while it's powerful, be careful.
   
   You should have something interesting to talk about. Otherwise you're just one of the masses, and blending in isn't going to get anyone's attention.
   
   I'll also mention that you might consider getting one of your female friends to set you up. This is likely to be a lot less game-playing. Maybe you want to play games; games are fun, after all, and you probably don't want something too serious right now. You probably don't even know what it is you want. If you do know, tap into your social network.
   
   > If I'm the one keeping a conversation going (by asking questions, introducing topics, etc.), how likely is it that she's not interested?
   
   Very likely, but that isn't your fault. We live in a self-centered society. The best you can manage is pay attention to the things other people say (do not talk to just girls; talk to everyone), and tie back into it later. Someone who is actually paying attention will be genuinely surprising.
   
   On the downside, then you may well become the bored one.
   
   > Are there any books that could help me? Assume I've never read any on this topic.
   
   It sounds like the major issue you're having is picking up on signals. For that, I would recommend starting with The Definitive Book of Body Language; skip to chapter 15, but read the whole thing. I've also seen advertisements for You Say More Than You Think but haven't read it; that might be useful. Really there are any number of body language manuals out there. Read at least one, preferably more.
   
   Consider reading either some of the book by Leil Lowndes (in particular, I'd recommend How to Talk to Anyone), or The Rules of the Game; both will get you started just talking to people. I would favor Leil Lowndes' work just because she seems less sketchy (though she did co-write a paper with David DeAngelo).

As far as anxiety goes if it doesn’t seem too bad you can usually deal with it by yourself. I have tried medication but that just made me an emotionless zombie so I quit taking it. My anxiety is big when it comes to new activities, people, and/or places. After some introspection I believe it may be related to how hard I judge myself and mainly my fear of failure. Before I do most things I like to research so that I can be prepared and not just show up and fail.

When I don’t do that and jump in unprepared and have to do something new the anxiety spikes. I have since come to accept these moments because they happen and will continue to happen. Worrying about it won’t change the fact that is happening. People try new things/situations and fail all the time. Failure is common and an opportunity to learn. Sometimes you win some and sometimes you learn some.

I don’t expect new guys in my shop to show up and perform at the same level as others with more experience. When people try new things it is expected that they might fail. It is normal to fail. If someone points out your failure to make fun of you then they are obviously immature and lacking in manners if they make themselves feel good by putting down others.

> It's so bad now, that I don't see the need for a friend - I could live my life without concern for that, despite having had great friendships, but not without a lover.

As long as you understand that just because you don’t see it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist if that makes any sense. Lonliness sucks.

> I'm sure I've got 1 too many bad reactions to things I've said / how I've said them, that I just don't feel comfortable being "me" from the get go now - & I'm honestly nothing bad!

This is how it works with pretty much everyone in most social situations. You start talking to them politely and little by little letting more of your personality show until you reach a point they are comfortable with. Pay attention to yourself when you are with others and you will see that you act differently with different people.

> For example, I was at a part-social, part-work related get-together, with my younger teen siblings present. I was sitting with them & 2 girls who I knew from work. So, me being me, saw some matches & went to show them a trick whereby I made a match jump erratically. My siblings obviously were amused along with previous partners, but the reactions from the 2 girls were literally, "I don't get it", belittling dialogue & yawn. I'm not Houdini, but it was just a little musing - not a date pick-up line or something :/

So they didn’t like it, big deal. You can’t make everyone happy. What do you mean “not a date pick-up line or something”? Is that what they thought it was but you weren’t trying for that or something else?

> Just wondering if there are any other sectors that are viable, like the cushy life of School (though I blew uni. 3 years of solitude went by fast).

Not sure what you mean here. Also, I never went to a university.

> I'll possibly also try picking girls up through the controversially sexist PUA concepts with a twist - I'm going for love instead of one night stands.

Do not become a PUA practitioner. Not being yourself with others is deceitful and employing manipulative techniques to win people over with a false you will result in nothing but heartache and letdown for both parties involved. There’s a reason the saying goes, “the road to hell is paved in good intentions.” Good intentions do not excuse bad practice. Don’t you want someone to love you for who you are?

I wouldn’t want to be with someone who fell for the fake me over some manipulative techniques. By all means though go and explore the PUA community and form your own opinion. I’ve already done that and you can see how I feel about it.

> The skill of socializing Is something I'm going to need to work on - but is this something only available via practice in the real world / deep end?

Do scientist go out and practice real world applications without first researching? Some yes but most of the ones that make progress do not. We are past the age of being young and dumb were it was acceptable to make many mistakes socializing. As adults we are expected to at least be good at socializing and practicing social norms. Some of use are behind the curve and that is where the greatest information resource of all time comes in. I’m talking about the internet , of course, but books too. Now start researching but remember book smarts alone aren’t always enough. You must combine book smarts with experience to have a more fruitful outcome.

> This really is my current & largest ever life goal.

That makes sense because in a world full of people being able to properly socialize is one of the most important skillsets.

Here are some of the resources that I have used and have gained knowledge from.

r/AskMen

r/AskWomen

r/Bumble subreddit for the dating app

r/datingoverthirty You may not be over thirty but there’s still a lot of good advice in there

r/malefashionadvice if you want to expand your wardrobe

r/relationships

r/sex

r/socialanxiety

r/socialskills

r/swipehelper and by extension SwipeHelper.com This is a good resource for Tinder.

r/Tinder

r/WritingPrompts because you said you like writing

Photofeeler for getting feedback on pictures you may want to use in the online dating sphere

Books;

How to Win Friends & Influence People The book was written a while ago so the situation may be outdated but the principles can still be applied today.

Models: Attract Women Through Honesty

From the description;

> “Models is the first men's dating book ever written on seduction as a purely emotional process rather than a logical one, a process of connecting with women rather than impressing them, a process of self-expression rather than manipulation. It's the most mature and honest guide on how a man can attract women without faking behavior, without lying and without emulating others. A game-changer.”

The Definitive Book of Body Language: The Hidden Meaning Behind People's Gestures and Expressions

We can continue our discussion here but if have any questions in the future I am just a PM away. I don’t have all the answers but I am willing to share my experiences.

How do you measure the success ? Wealth ? Fame ? Both are not worth pursuing and you already know that, since they don't bring happiness to life. Two things come to my mind:

1. Instead of comparing yourself to your "more successful" peers, try to compare yourself to those "less successful". Practice negative thinking, image how would your life be without the things you have, the things you take for granted. Take this even further and sometimes practice living without those things (practice minimalism), if possible. This way, you will start to value more and want things you already have, instead of things you could have. This is what I try often and what works for me. I've got this from my favorite Stoic book: A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy . Read the corresponding chapter to understand more :) the author is so good at explaining these ideas. I definitely recommend to read it whole, it is an amazing book.
   
2. Practice more compassion and empathy. Approach any human interaction with compassion in mind. Try to understand and listen to others, what makes them happy, what are their worries. No matter in what position the others are, try to connect with them on a very deep level. You will soon realize, we are all the same and we face the same problems in life. No matter what our wealth or fame is. Those two things do not relate to happiness at all. I believe that as a byproduct of this empathy practice you will naturally stop comparing. When it comes to compassion, I recommend: The Art of Happiness, 10th Anniversary Edition: A Handbook for Living . I have only started reading the book, but I like it very much so far ! It focuses more on importance of compassion and understanding others (instead of focusing on yourself as in Stoicism). I feel that I started being more compassionate and empathetic naturally with age, but I definitely agree, that it makes me incredibly happy. And not only during the communication, but overall in life ! However, before, I had no idea what empathy means, or better said - I had completely wrong idea. This book helped me to understand what exactly it is, and how it is done correctly: Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life . Basically it means just to listen and from time to time to ask about feelings. Not giving advice, or making things sound easier, or giving your similar experience. We do this so often, it sounds like empathy, but instead it disconnects us from others. Very much recommended read !
   
   Hope this helps man, good luck ! You are already doing a massive good job by being super honest with yourself and sharing this problem and all its details. This is not an easy thing to do and requires a lot of ego-gymnastics.

As a "unicorn", I feel I can add a little advise:

• Always be forthcoming about your intentions with everyone you interact with. When you talk to your bf, leave it clear that this is something you want to explore with him by your side, and perhaps emphazise that you aren't doing this because he isn't enough. One of the couples I have gotten to know is super cute. He sees her liking FFM 3ways as someone who wants to eat a PB&J sandwich. Why restrict yourself to either PB or J when you can have both??
  
  I feel you have gotten a lot of advise as to how to approach your bf. I want to add more in terms of how to approach girls, as, forgive me if I'm wrong, but I'm thinking is more likely than not that he will agree to proceed. In my experience men tend to be pretty understanding and supportive of their gfs/wives being bi and wanting to bring a girl into the bedroom for both to play with. ;)
  
  
• Once you talk to him, I'd recommend you guys play along different scenarios and come up with ground rules and boundaries. You both need to agree on those BEFORE you try and find a girl. As a third, it is clear when a couple is looking for a third because they are in a stable relationship and want to play like that, and it is also clear when that isn't the case. I have personally ran in the opposite direction when I've met couples who are the latter. It's a lot more fun to join a established couple who knows how to have their fun ;)
  
• Finally, be forthcoming with the girl too. I'd highly recommend reading "The Ethical Slut" and "Sex at Dawn". It is hard to find willing girls. Once you find one, I'd recommend you find a subtle way to leave it very clear to her that you are meaning to explore/play, not to have an emotional relationship. Unless you do want to do that. But most definitely leave your boundaries clear to the girl.
  
  Let me know if you have any questions. Best of luck! ;)

> my info: im a super nerd. like i follow the pro starcraft scene and love space, science math etc. in really tall and am fairly lanky.

That's not necessarily bad... but if you want to do well with women, you'd be well served to not look the part of a "super nerd." Dress fashionably, but with a unique edge that sets your style apart from others. If you need help figuring out how to do that, hit up some of your female friends for advice, peruse GQ or Esquire or Mens Vogue, whatever.

> I tend to only have crushes on best friends and my last crush was when i was 17 (different person). Ive been caled a sweet heart and get frustrated when guys are disrespectful.

Guys get like that when they are scared to break rapport with women, and the only thing they can do is try to use pure "comfort game" to get close to the girls. Unfortunately, the result - as you may have noticed - is not usually favorable. Building comfort is important, but you have to do more... if you want girls, you have to project the vibe of a confident, mature, masculine, "in control", sexual man who "gets it." The "nerdy, insecure, shy, awkward teenage geek" vibe is a lot less effective.


> Ive been caled a sweet heart and get frustrated when guys are disrespectful.

You probably have both Nice Guy Syndrome and a touch of Disney Fantasy. I highly recommend you read the Dr. Robert Glover book No More Mr. Nice Guy, and the Neil Strauss book The Game. The former should help you understand more about asserting yourself, establishing boundaries, and being more authentic in your interactions with people. The latter will blow your mind in regards to understanding how men and women interact.

After that, it might not hurt to read Way of the Superior Man by Dave Deida.

Also, to disabuse yourself of the notion that women are all sweet and pure and innocent and virtuous and made of light (or sugar and spice and puppy dog tails, whatever) spend some time reading stuff like My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday, or The Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex by Barbara Keesling, or Chelsea Handler's My Horizontal Life.

Finally, read Sperm Wars by Robin Baker. That will make a great many things much clearer.

Female here, but have been in the same boat. Grew up super isolated, so I spent a lot of my 20s on my own and really lonely. Now have several solid friendships, a lot of acquaintances and dating prospects. So, I see myself as a success story. A lot of people on here are saying they’ve given up or feel hopeless, but I’m here to tell you it can change.

That loneliness shit is universal/literally an epidemic at this point. It has a lot to do with how our modern society is structured; hyper-independence is lauded, but actually unnatural. It’s not a reflection on you and your likability or lack there of.

(read “Loneliness - Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection” for more info. It helped me see it wasn’t something inherently wrong with me, but just something everyone experiences. Some people moreso because of practical things like not socialized properly in childhood, lacking skills, etc. It also gives a lot of info of how to get out of the lonely headspace). https://www.amazon.ca/Loneliness-Human-Nature-Social-Connection/dp/0393335283

Also therapy, both individual and group, helped me learn social skills and build connections that got me healthier socially.

(Read “Attached” to learn more about how your style of relating to others may be unhealthy, with guidance on how to improve it.)
https://www.amazon.ca/Attached-Science-Attachment-Find-Keep/dp/1585429139

Basically, a quick recipe is:

1. See the situation as cause and effect, not having anything inherently to do with you as a person or your worth. You’re lonely because of circumstances (that luckily you can control), not because you’re not likeable.
   
   
2. See it as a choice. You’re not helpless. There are things you can do. First, find your blind spots/blocks (with a therapist if you need help seeing them).
   
   Is it: a lack of social skills? You can learn those. Tons of psych articles out there.
   
   A lack of confidence? Start building it through changing your thoughts about yourself (cbt, self-coaching, etc). And figure out things that make you happy and do more of them.
   
   A lot of social (and normal) confidence comes from how others treat us, so if you’re not getting a lot of positive feedback from other humans, get a pet that loves the shit out of you, some online pals, or GET A THERAPIST. A good one will make you feel valued and respected and welcome. Those feelings and that long term connection will build our confidence subtly but naturally.
   
   
3. Go out more and do the things. First figure out what you enjoy, and then find social ways to do it. You could see a movie on your own, or start a movie night at your place. You could play games by yourself, or join a league. You could work on your car yourself, or join some enthusiasts club (idk I’m trying to think of dude things). You could take up knitting at home, or go to a knitting circle. Whatever it is.
   
   
4. Mitigate Expectations - don’t go to a non-primarily-social place and hope/try for a best friend. The person behind you in the grocery store probably isn’t looking for that when you guys exchange a quick comment about the line length. Or the cashier probably doesn’t wanna have a three hour convo. But still chat these ppl up (platonically). Make small talk frequently. Just engage in the world/people around you. It builds social confidence and breaks through isolation in quick bursts. But do talk to people more.
   
   And then when in very socially-focussed environments, see if there’s anyone that YOU find interesting (instead of focusing on whether or not they’ll find you interesting) and go talk to them. Aim for having a good convo and maybe being fb friends. Take it from there.
   
   
   You all got this, dude friends. There is legit hope/resources out there to change, both tour mindset and your situation. I believe in you!

Where to begin? In general, you can start by reading up about this. One well recomended book is Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships and The Ethical Slut. I think reading about this would help you inform yourself about non-monogamy and help remove your bias, even if this lifestyle is not for you.

About that. You had one relationship that didn't work out too well, and then made a blanket decision about everyone who's non-monogamous because of that. That's not fair, it would be like being mad at all waiters because one gave you bad service, or hating a gay person because one gay person was inappropriate and aggressive towards you, or hating a race or nationality of folks because you had a bad experience with someone of that race. Your one non-monogamous experience with your ex is not indicative of all non-monogamous people or all non-monogamous relationships. You are not in the position to judge someone else's life path, you don't have enough information to do that. Some folks may be emotionally broken and unable to control their sexual impulses but they don't have to be non-monogamous to have these issues. There are plenty of non-monogamous folk that are cool, emotionally healthy and grounded, and respectful of their primary and secondary partners, just as there are folks who have healthy monogamous relationships. Blanket judgement doesn't help you wrap your head around the problem.

All that said, based off of your little post here it seems to me you are just getting to know this new lady, and you're talking about what interests you both sexually. You like her, and you want her to be happy, but you have to consider yourself as well. You may not be the kind of person who can handle a non-monogamous relationship. You may do everything right, communicate, make sure mutual trust is established and maintained, reassure each other when you're feeling insecure or inadequate, and still not be emotionally ok with the situation. We have to honor ourselves as well as be good giving and game to our partners. If you ignore those twinges and don't at the very least talk about what is bothering you, those feelings will fester. If I were to make a guess that might be a part in why the last relationship didn't work out.

At the beginning of every relationship trust needs to be established and built on, this may mean you will need her to be monogamous with you for a time. Maybe not forever, but for you to feel secure you need to know her and build that trust (and to give yourself time to learn more and to roll this around in your head). She may not be ok with that, she might want to start open and stay open always. If that's the case you two are not compatible, and that's ok. Better you find out now than to get yourself all twisted over something that will never work out. My point is that for you though, you clearly need time to establish trust and security at the very least, and you may never be emotionally ok with having your own relationship be open. She may be ok with that. Y'all need to talk this out and be clear about what you're ok with. Be clear with yourself too. You don't have to have all the answers, but you should at least be honest with her about what bothers you about this. Maybe you can work it out, but saying nothing will most likely lead to this not working out. Communication is the key to all successful relationships.

Good Luck

Here you go:

The NUMBER ONE thing that helped my BPD tendencies was meditation, which I did as part of getting sober. It allowed me to find a pause between the emotion and my reaction. I still FEEL the same shit I used to - but I do not feel controlled by it any longer.

My favorite meditation teacher is Tara Brach. She posts all of her meditations online and on her podcast. Her book 'Radical Acceptance' was a life changer for me.

I also use a lot of binaural beats meditations (you can find these on Spotify or YouTube, I use the Profound Meditation Program by iAwake Technologies).

I have immensely enjoyed Sam Harris' book Waking Up which is about developing a spiritual practice without religion. He has an excellent podcast but it is expressly NOT about mental health, I just think he has a lot of great perspective to share.

Susan Elliot - Getting Past Your Breakup - this book looks like a cheesy self help book but it was awesome. Really really wonderful exercises. I also got her workbook.

Susan Anderson - Journey from Abandonment to Healing - this book was the first one I read, it was very helpful in understanding the science of what is happening in rejection and abandonment. This was useful because it allowed me to see my reactions were very, very normal.

Vicki Stark - Runaway Husbands - very specific book about men who walk out without warning. This helped me identify warning signs and feel less alone.

Lessons From The End of a Marriage - this blog is from Lisa Arends. Her story is hard to read. But this is the best divorce blog I've ever read! Such wonderful advice here.

Glennon Doyle Melton - First the Pain, then The Rising - I watched this every single day for a month. For a while, it was the only fucking thing that got me out of bed.

Overcomer podcast - hosted by a woman I met in one of the support groups, just lots of great insight on abandonment recovery.

Attached - great book on attachment theory

DBT Workbook - this is a GREAT resource on how to build distress tolerance and skills to face a lot of BPD type issues. DBT was a therapy style designed for BPD.

Edit to add: Forgot the best one!

Pema Chodron - When Things Fall Apart - Pema is a buddhist nun and I absolutely love her. She became buddhist when her husband left her. This book is incredible. So much wisdom! I always carry my Pocket Pema with me, literally Pema is THE BEST! She also has a lot of recorded talks that I find so calming to listen to.

Charme and Charisma are closely tied together but there still are a few differences, though so minor that we are going to ignore them for the sake of this post.

Charme is important to charm your opposite, be it male or female, into agreeing with you. One could say that charme makes people say yes. Even if you didn't ask a question.

There are a few things that play together:

• Your attractiveness level, including grooming, smell, clothing.
  
  
• Your power & status, but also knowledge and expertise fall under this category.
  
  
• Authority & calmness
  
  
• Your body language & confidence.
  
  
• Your humour.
  
  
• Empathy & your presence in the here and now. Ergo listening without becoming distracted.
  
  
• Your agreeability and likableness.
  
  There is no denying that a powerful person always has more charme than his inferiors. There have been studies where actors assumed the same body language and were equally attractive, were paired up against a powerful person. The effects of charme and humour were measured and it turned out that the powerful person scored much better.
  
  Now how can you learn to be more charming? My book recommendations that cover every important aspect would be:
  
  
• The Art of Seduction
  
  
• How to Win Friends & Influence People
  
  
• The Definite Book of Body Language
  
  
• The Charisma Myth
  
  This covers everything except for humour but I fear I can not help you with that. In my opinion, you either have humour, or you don't but many people claim that humour is a learnable skill. Anyway, it was never of interest to me but I am sure that you will find some sources teaching the art of humour.

I know I'm jumping into this conversation late in the game, but I really have to put this in here.

For most of my life I have felt exactly as you, and I used to consider myself being introverted as a negative thing. Obviously some people will feel that way, but they shouldn't. There are so many great things from being an introvert, but unfortunately society has created a negative stigma to it. I seriously suggest that you read "The Introvert Advantage". It's WAY worth the 10 bucks for the book. It helped me so much, and I think it will really help you and other introverts as well. It sheds new light on what it means to be an introvert as well as helping you to realize all of the advantages you've been given in life because you were born an introvert.

The post I'm replying to has several points that are stressed inside the book, including that introverts do not consider acquaintances friends, while extroverts do. I know that I had a very small group of friends for most of my life because of this, and to be honest, there's nothing wrong with it. You know that you can count on those people you call friends, and that's why they are just that; friends. And recharging your batteries alone? Yeah, definitely discussed. It's interesting to hear from other introverts like myself talk about these sorts of things, because they seem to hold true for all introverts, especially those who are deeply introverted.

One last thing that's helpful in the book and can help even extroverts is the test inside. There's a test to determine just how introverted or extroverted you are (because there are varying degrees of introversion). I suggest that if you have an introverted friend but consider yourself extroverted that you encourage your friend to pick up the book and read it yourself after they've finished. It will really shed some new light on why they act the way they do, and help you to appreciate the awesome person they really are even more. Good luck and I hope you find the book as helpful as I did!

I was right where you are a few years ago when I was finishing up my undergrad college degree. In my senior year, I was already not doing too well as the school wasn't really for me due to a variety of reasons, but I had decided to grit my teeth and just power through.

Around this time, my ADHD started getting worse and worse without me realising it. I have a mild case of Aspergers so had spent so much time focusing on managing it, that ADHD seemed like a minor thing; something in the corner that I could easily take care of. It was a shock to me then when things started to fall apart. My concentration became worse and worse, my grades fell, then stagnated as I worked myself to the breaking point. I couldn't understand how everyone around me expended so little effort to get great grades and papers. Because of this and the complete lack of tutoring/psychological resources at my school (I DO NOT recommend attending a very small college), I developed situational depression and eventually thought that I was fundamentally worse and stupider than everyone else.

This downward spiral could have been a stopping point, but thanks to a great deal of support, I finished college, got a job, and am now in a place where I can use my ADHD as an asset. I don't know how old you are, or what you have tried, but I urge you to consider doing the following steps:

1. Take a step back, breath, take a long walk. Focus on what's around you and what you're seeing, not on those thoughts crowding your mind. If a thought takes over and you start to panic, come back to the present. You can also do this while sitting, I recommend doing it in a spot with a great view.
   
   
2. Come back to whatever work you have and do the simplest task possible. It could even be doing the dishes, as long as you get that done.
   
   
3. Get through the rest of this week and don't forget to breathe. Use this community to ask for support, please pm me if you want some support. Believe me, we've all been through this before.
   
   
4. OK, you've gotten through the week. Now its time to start focusing on the bigger stuff. Do you see a psychologist who specialises in adults with ADD? If not, I highly recommend finding one in your area. When I started seeing one after college, it completely changed my viewpoint on ADHD and allowed me to develop skills better suited to the ways I think, as well as break down unhelpful coping mechanisms/bad studying strategies I created earlier in life. If you find one, try to meet every week. This is not something that should be thought of as short-term, but as a refuge to reflect on what works and doesn't work for as long as you need it.
   
   
5. Do you see a psychiatrist for your meds or just a doctor? If its the latter, I recommend getting a psychiatrist ASAP for your meds. They are not the end-all, be-all solution to ADHD, just another part of your tool-kit for managing it. Eveyone will have a toolkit that works best for them, and you deserve to have the kind of medication that's exactly what you need.
   
   
6. The social stuff? It gets better, believe me. Are you in high school or college? For me, it was only towards the end of college and especially afterwords that I started developing good social skills. Find a counselor at your school and ask them for social skills resources, they're a good starting point. I also HIGHLY recommend finding an ADD support group if any exist in the area you live. There's also great book/online resources for social stuff, though they can be a bit dense. I recommend this for body language and this for more general social stuff.
   
   
7. There are many more steps, but those are steps you create. YOU have the power over these steps and can do great things with them in your life.
   
   ADHD like life is a journey. There will be ups and downs. But the experience can be amazing instead of crushing if you get the help.

One of the best ways to help you learn how to communicate better with people in general is to work on your self esteem and confidence. Don't just try to find some random topcis and memorize them. Invest in topics that are personally important to you. Become well versed in those topics. If you just try to memorize random topics or things you think other people are interested in, but you aren't that interested in, people will start to sense it is fake. Instead, if someone else brings up a topic in which they seem passionate about, but you don't know much about, just openly admit you know nothing about the topic and ask them if they can explain it or share more about it. People will generally react more positively in that scenario. You aren't trying to impress them with your knowledge, but rather you are encouraging them to share their knowledge.

One of the keys in communication with others, especially those you are interested in, is building them up. Let them share their experiences and don't try to one up them. Don't continue to relate everything they say or do to something you have done or heard. Ask them questions about their experiences and what they learned or enjoyed most about them. If you have had similar experiences, wait until they ask you about yours. If they shared first, then generally a good idea is to spend considerably less time sharing your experience. You can always share more later if they ask. But you want to validate their experiences and knowledge.

Ultimately the best way to learn about these things is to find books on the subject:

"How to Win Friends and Influence People"

"Bringing out the Best in People"

"The Definitive Book of Body Language"

"Never Eat Alone: And Other Secrets to Success, One Relationship at a Time"

"Words that Work"

I also recommend a YouTube channel called "Charisma on Command"

My wife and I are also both bisexual high school sweethearts! A little different from your situation since we're both women, but pretty similar. We have been together for 7 years this month and have been nonmonogamous (in some form or another) for about 3.5.

My biggest advice is to never, ever forget that the third (or fourth or..) person is a PERSON. So many times, even now, my wife and I have found ourselves making decisions that affect someone else we are seeing between the two of us - and then it turns out that the other person did not want whatever we had decided.

I really highly recommend checking out More Than Two or The Ethical Slut (I like the first better but it's definitely a personal preference thing, many people in this subreddit swear by one or the other). When you're first starting out the biggest thing is that you don't know what you don't know - these books are hugely helpful resources that I wish I'd had BEFORE I made most of the mistakes in them.

Like others have said, I would definitely say date separately. If someone winds up wanting to date both of you or it happens organically, great, but don't force it. Dealing with jealousy is really hard and there's no one-size-fits-all solution - you've just got to communicate, communicate, and communicate without guilt or shaming. Also, FWIW, we started as just hookups and my wife has mostly stayed there but I wound up with feelings so I actually have a boyfriend now, too.

The not enough feelings will definitely tie themselves up in your jealousy. They are HARD stuff. IMO, you need to remember that 1. you have value and you bring something to your relationship, your husband is not with you just to humor you and 2. if your husband says he still loves you and is still attracted to you, he is telling the truth and you should trust him. Obviously everything is MUCH more complicated than that, but those are two things that have come up for me and my wife over the last few years.

Feel free to PM me or ask any other questions! I'm actually writing my Master's thesis about polyamory so even though I don't know that much myself I can probably point you toward an article or two that might help! Good luck. :-)

First off, it's totally ok to be vanilla. If you're truly not interested in rough sex, that's totally legit. You shouldn't feel guilty or pressured.

The absolute first step is to talk to her. You've got to be honest and communicative in your relationships, especially on sensitive issues like this.

As far as where to go after that, you have a couple choices here. If you're willing to entertain the idea of rougher sex, then there are resources that can help you. I've never personally read When Someone You Love is Kinky, but the authors are amazing and I've heard good things. You could pop over to /r/BDSMcommunity and get some advice over there. You could get on Fetlife and get advice there. There are lots of people out there who understand these issues really well, and they can help you work through it.

Ask her what she specifically wants you to do, and see if you can imagine doing it for her pleasure, as a service to her. If you recognize that what you see as unpleasant, she finds pleasurable, it might help you deal with it. Maybe you'll even eventually get into it. You obviously have some serious issues with violence, and maybe consensual and loving play with the appearance of violence will help you process it. But maybe not.

If you decide that you just can't give her what she needs, you've essentially got three choices:

You could see whether she's willing to give up the idea of rough sex. If it's just a passing fancy, that might not be a big problem. If it's a bigger part of her fantasy life, however, it might not work so well.

You could also break up with her. Sexuality is really important, and it's not shallow to break up with someone for sexual reasons. I get the impression you don't want to do that, however.

The final possibility is that you could discuss ways she could get her kinky needs satisfied without your involvement. An open relationship can go a long way towards fixing issues with sexual compatibility. There are a whole range of possible relationship designs that might work better for you than ordinary monogamy. On one end of the spectrum, you might find that you two take to polyamory easily, and just go all the way towards openness. On the other end, you might be able keep a lot of the normal structure with a couple tweaks. I know a lot of people who are generally monogamous, but who are allowed to engage in BDSM play under certain conditions (nothing involving genitals is a pretty normal rule, but you can choose the rules that work best for the two of you).

If you decide to go that route, come talk to us in /r/polyamory. The two best books are generally considered to be The Ethical Slut and Opening Up.

My husband and I are in an open relationship, also both 27. but we just got married last month so we're still super into each other, just also into other people :) We have been reading The Ethical Slut together and I think it's a wonderful introduction to an open lifestyle - it covers all the possible permutations of an open relationship and it's a funny read.

Relationships, open or not, are completely different for everybody, but I will tell you our "rules" in case they are helpful to you. We only consent to having safe sex with others, and we immediately tell the other person if we fuck it up (like a condom comes off in the heat of the moment.) I don't get mad if this happens - I just care about keeping us both stay safe and healthy. Also, if either one of us decides to "veto" something, like a new lover or a situation that for some reason makes us uncomfortable, they have that right. As a culture, we don't really have a vocabulary for discussing these things with each other so it takes a LOT of talking to help work through why something feels wrong, or feels great, or makes us worried or makes us excited in a new way! I have found that these discussions have really turned up the heat just between my husband and I as we discover new things about each other.

Lastly, there's a concept in the polyamorous community of "new relationship energy." When you have the hots for someone you just met, it's often more juicy than your existing long term partners. Enjoy it! But don't mistake it for a greater love than the one(s) you already have. Lust is lovely, but it isn't love.

I hope that this is helpful to you and please feel free to PM me if you want.

Hi, first some background. I am currently in the hell process of getting my first industry job. Keep getting interviews/test but so far I haven’t gotten a job yet...though it’s only been two months since I finally started to apply haha. I originally applied for RISD MICA MCAD SVA Art Center and CalArts and I got accepted into all of them besides CalArts, which I got waitlisted for. Every school I got into offered me scholarships but once I factored in living/food I still couldn’t afford it. So I swallowed my pride and went to community college for a few years then besides reapplying to art schools I decided to make a hour and a half commute every few days to take classes at Concept Design Academy, Which I’m still currently doing. My original plan was to go to Calstate Long Beach or Cal State Fullerton, both have really good animation programs but I could live with my family while I went.


I’m so happy I didn’t go to a traditional art school. I was about to reapply when one of my friends who now works at Dreamworks told me to just do Concept Design instead. I trusted her opinion since she went to SVA and graduated and ended up not having the exact skills she needed for employment and she was super in debt.

I’d say it’s 50/50 with people I know that attended college and currently work in the industry, other half did what I am doing/didn’t get any higher education, some of my closest friends are currently attending SVA. I’m going to be honest most think it’s useless and wishes they went to a state school with a good art program rather than SVA or did what I ended up doing.

If you really want to work in TV/Movie animation look into Concept Design Academy in Pasadena CA or CGMA online or something similar. If you are dead set getting a degree I’d recommend looking into state schools. Art school isn’t worth the debt. If you have to take on all the loans yourself it’s not worth it it will destroy your credit forever and you won’t be able to move where the industry is.

This is about art center(where I originally got accepted and planned on going too) but all my SVA/MICA/RISD friends have similar experiences

http://ghostbri.tumblr.com/post/178516711920/dude-i-really-wanna-go-to-art-center-what#notes

This specific artist also has great resources for finding alternative education.


DONT RUIN YOUR LIFE BC YOU FEEL LIKE YOU WONT SUCCEED IN THE INDUSTRY WITH OUT ART SCHOOL. THERE IS OTHER WAYS.


If you live in/around LA area or are willing to transfer:
http://conceptdesignacad.com/

https://animationguild.org/about-the-guild/education/

https://laafa.edu/


Online recourses:

https://www.cgmasteracademy.com

https://www.schoolism.com

https://www.theanimcourse.com/courses/

Alternative book based educations:

The Animator's Survival Kit: A Manual of Methods, Principles and Formulas for Classical, Computer, Games, Stop Motion and Internet Animators https://www.amazon.com/dp/086547897X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_U7xwCbZNA4X74

Framed Ink: Drawing and Composition for Visual Storytellers https://www.amazon.com/dp/1933492953/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_m8xwCbE8TH4VS

FORCE: Dynamic Life Drawing: 10th Anniversary Edition (Force Drawing Series) https://www.amazon.com/dp/1138919578/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_U8xwCbTRGJHWJ
(This one is currently out of print because they are changing the cover it should be back in a few weeks and be around 15 bucks)

Also here is a few good YouTube channels:

https://www.youtube.com/user/ProkoTV

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCS3ZMbzTOXdDuJlhAZuXgaw

https://youtu.be/uDqjIdI4bF4


If you(or anyone reading this) have any questions please feel free to DM me!! If I don’t have a direct answer I know one of my friends that work in the industry will and I could ask. Art School isn’t the only way to obtain a good quality art education and a ton of talented artist make it in the industry without it!

Also sorry this is so LA centric, I grew up in the great LA area and currently work exclusively in it so it’s all I know in-depth.


Quick Edit; I’m a purely 2D based artist. I work mostly in concept and I’m currently working on transitioning into Boarding/Revisions. I don’t work on the animation end of these but that’s Bc most outsource to other countries now.

If you've never had the connection you now want, but got married anyway, that was your initial mistake. But hindsight is 20/20 and I don't think it's necessarily an unsolvable problem, especially since he seems willing to work on it.

It takes a lot of effort to break out of 5 years of bad habits. But you can do it! I think you could do it without counseling, but if you hit a wall or either of you is feeling really unhappy, or communication is not improving, please go see a therapist or counselor since they can help a lot.

Be sure you're setting aside dedicated time to discuss and work on your relationship. The time and effort you both put in is an investment, and if you pull through it will pay off immeasurably. Then start by each taking the Love Languages test. Discuss your answers. Read The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, someone who has studied relationships for years. That book includes a number of exercises to work through with your partner, and I think it would be an amazing help to you in connecting with your husband.

Another idea is that since you want to drastically step up your relationship with each other and break out of the disconnected rut you're in, think of other ways you can spice up, change, and improve your life. Consider rearranging your furniture. Taking a weekend trip to someplace new. Starting a new hobby together (maybe something like salsa dancing or ballroom dancing). Working out together. Taking a class to learn a new language or skill. Whatever sounds like fun! Connecting the relationship work you are doing to a shift in another area of your life (particularly one that is fun, novel, exciting) will help you feel like things are really changing and different, and will keep you invested in the relationship progress you're making. It's easier to connect when you are on the same team, doing things together and sharing the journey.

Lastly, you say he does "husband things" and you do "wife things". Consider mixing it up. If he's the one who brings you flowers on anniversaries, how about you bring him flowers for no reason whatsoever other than that you care about each other? If you usually eat lunch out during the workday, how about he wakes up early to pack you one? Look for ways you can break out of your current habits of showing affection, which aren't working, and look for new ways to make each other happy. The Love Languages test should offer some great insight into the best way for each of you to start.

It’s okay to feel overwhelmed. It’s perfectly understandable after enduring abuse and neglect.

I’d like to share some information that really helped me, that may give you a fresh perspective. If it doesn’t resonate with you, feel free to disregard it.

Communication is like any other skill. We can improve our skill set through learning and practice. We have the amazing neuroplasticity of our brains on our side here! (neurons that fire together, wire together). When learning any new skill we move through four stages as we build new neural pathways;

1. unconscious incompetence
   (we don’t know what we don’t know)
   
   
2. conscious incompetence
   (we acknowledge that we have a lack of experience, knowledge, and understanding)
   
   
3. conscious competence
   (we have to actively think about and mindfully practice our new skill; over and over again, learning from each experiment and iteration)
   
   
4. unconscious competence
   (we no longer have to think about using our new skill, it becomes effortless to perform)
   
   Like riding a bike, or driving a car. You had to move through all the steps until you get to the level where you don’t have to think about it anymore. You just get in and drive.
   
   You are past step one already! You know what you don’t know. To get to step 3, you’ll need some knowledge and tools. Here are a few that I studied, learned from, and started using in my step 3 practice:
   
   

• The 5 Love/Appreciation Languages and The 5 Apology Languages These tools taught me the ways in which we are different and unique from each other in how we like to be appreciated and communicated with. I will have friends take these quizzes so we can discuss them together and learn how to communicate more effectively with each other. Then we get to practice together.
  
  
• 16 Personalities This is another Quiz I like to do with friends. We share our results with each other and discuss where we feel the results are applicable to ourselves, and how they’re not. We discuss how we are alike and how we are different. I also discovered that I tend to get along very well with other folks that share my intuitive/thinking characteristics from this exercise.
  
  
• Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High This is a book I recommend to everyone. It really helped me learn and understand non-abusive communicating skills. Main takeaway: It is critically important to develop and maintain an environment of psychological safety to facilitate healthy communication. Otherwise, things will devolve into silence or violence.
  
  So, that psychologically safety thing, was a huge missing piece of my puzzle. My parents aren’t psychologically safe to be vulnerable around. So now I need to learn how to make it safe. And there are been some amazing tools I’ve consumed along the way.
  
  
• Everything from Brené Brown:
  
• The Anatomy of Trust. The BRAVING acronym is gold for practicing trustworthy and respectful relationships.
  
• Fitting-in, is the Opposite of Belonging
  
• The Power of Vulnerability book
  
• Power of Vulnerability TEDTalk
  
• Listening to Shame TEDTalk
  
• Why Your Critics Aren’t the Ones Who Count
  
• Another video on The Power of Vulnerability
  
• and there’s tons more...
  
  
• Francis Frei’s How to Build and Rebuild Trust Her trust triangle: Authenticity, Empathy, and Logic(what you say and how you say it) is gold.
  
  
• Shawm Achor’s hilarious TEDTalk: Secret to Happiness The tips on practicing gratitude are gold.
  
  
• Susan David’s heartfelt TEDTalk on The Gift and Power of Emotional Courage Her concept of emotional agility is insightful. Her frame that “emotions are data, not directives” and her journaling advice to “Write what you feel, tell the truth, write like no one is reading.” are gold. The “emotions are data, not directives” line helped me identify and manage all my emotional triggers and exiled emotions; bringing them from my unconscious mind into my conscious mind, where I could see them and then meditate on them using internal family systems until they resolved and I reconciled with myself.
  
  Armed with all this knowledge and multiple strategies, it becomes easier and easier to practice step 3 - conscious competence.
  
  Now we’re into the real deal. We have new knowledge and new strategies, time for some new experiences. This is where we have to be brave and learn to embrace what we don’t know and do it afraid, surround ourself with good people, and abandon our expectations and expect the unexpected. We get to play. And when we play, sometimes we make mistakes, accidents happen, and people get hurt. That’s okay. We use our apology skills and work on building trust again. We set, hold, and embrace boundaries to keep it psychologically safe. We practice. And eventually it will seem to come naturally to us. It just takes time, patience, and practice. You got this!

Funny - I went through a similar transition when I was only a year or two younger than you.

What you need is a goal outside of your relationship - a driving force for yourself and your career, dreams about what kind of kickass life you want to be living, ideas on where you want to travel and live, and plans to make those things happen. You need to be fearless about deciding what you want in life, and all the assertiveness, confidence, and self-reliance that are inherent in womanhood will come as a result of that.

You need to think long and hard about what you want out of life, and then decide to make it happen. Nothing is too grandiose - do you want to live in the South of France? It can happen. Do you want to eventually own your own company? It can happen. The luxury of your age is that you have time to make these things happen.

To me, being a "woman" means you don't give a shit what other people think about you because you've got your goals and desires figures out (but you are still kind and polite). It means that you're life isn't dictated by fear - and it means that you are self-reliant. Therefore, any man, any career choice, any group of friends that comes into your life is evaluated by you according to whether it brings good or bad to the table for you. You don't settle for anything out of convenience.

It comes down to assertiveness, confidence, and a willingness to shamelessly ask for what you want. You already sound intelligent, you just need to learn to be stronger; with strength, you gain sex appeal. Lots of it. All of a sudden, you're a hot item, because you need to be won, you don't seem to just settle for whatever comes your way.

Know your value, know your worth. I can guarantee you it's much higher than you think right now.

Regarding your partner: if you want to still be with him, do so, but it would be a red flag for me if I hadn't had sex for months with my BF - especially at 25. Why spin your wheels at your age with someone who isn't setting you on fire with excitement? I'll tell you why: because you're afraid to leave him.

Don't live your life out of fear. Ever. Dive in full-on, take risks, and push yourself to keep growing.

Read this ridiculous book: Why Men Love B*****s - just get it! It's great, it summarizes the idea of being kind, but also prioritizing yourself first.

Read and complete the exercises in this book: The Assertiveness Workbook - a wonderful, scientifically backed-up personal course in being more assertive.

Read this great book: The Defining Decade

Get better at socializing: How to Win Friends and Influence People

In terms of motivational books to figure out what you want to do with your life? Jesus - there's too many good ones out there. Google any list of "top motivational books", "books about planning life" etc. To start - the books Willpower and Grit were useful for me.

Additionally, there's Brene Brown for a softer approach to finding what you're about as a human being. Braving the Wilderness is a great pick - and for something a bit more direct, read Unfu*k Yourself.

This is going to sound nuts, but read all of these. If you play videogames, stop. If you spend too much time on reddit, stop. Read to pass your time now, and keep growing. These books will help you learn to be strong, sexy, and give you control over your life.

Look for a lineage that speaks to your heart. Mastering the core teachings of the Buddha is the best direction for myself personally, which I found from this podcast which led me to this kind of wacky 3 part video, which inspired me to read the book. There is a free pdf of the book linked from the author's website. Time is probably better spent just going with something then flittering back and forth and always looking for a path but never walking one.

If you can manage to get yourself to a buddhist retreat do it. Practicing every moment every day for a week or so is incredible and I think inherently perspective/insight changing. I'd recommend studying what to do on retreats beforehand, so you are better able to practice effectively in every moment during the retreat, and better able to communicate questions to the teacher. Honestly, if you make a ten day retreat with some knowledge of what to do, and just keep on trucking through it to the end, you will probably reach insights & samadhi/jhana intensity which will make weed/alcohol appear essentially boring, and which will also really establish a pretty unshakeable Saddhā in the Dharma, with a strong sense that you know where you are going and how to get there (and a sense of how much it will actually take to get there.)

Put some dharma talks onto your phone/ipod. Listen when you drive/clean whenever seems appropriate. Joseph Goldstein is one of my favorite speakers to listen to. He's repetitive, but so are the original texts. Here is his kind of epic 46 part talk over 5 years on the Satipatthana Sutta.

I always use a timer for formal practice for myself, 20 minute sits etc., the fact that I may sincerely need to do something else timewise (eat, bathroom, pay bills) or be actually hurting myself from a certain posture for too long will require my attention otherwise.

Also, the world outside of practice is hard, especially when the heart is open. I've found The way of the Superior Man and especially some torrentable live discussions of the authors to be the most useful perspective I've come across for trying to deal with practical reality & relationships.

Metta my friend, may your path be easy and true.

It could help you to look into conflict resolution techniques. I found a [page] that can give you a good start on the basics. You can read more on certain topics by googling it. Due to how people react differently based on their personalities, it can help you ascertain which approach you may use when tackling issues in regards to your best friend. Think about what you want to say and how to say it. Draw boundaries and though it may seem tempting, try not to antagonize her even if she antagonizes you. Don't go into a confrontation with fuel. Prepare for any reactions she might have based on the guide I linked. Also I enjoyed this useful [book] as it goes indepth and gives examples.

Personally I had a former friend of 8 years who she thought she could say anything to me and treat me rudely because she believed our long friendship was unbreakable - your best friend might be thinking the same way. My former friend was extremely insecure, said very disrespectful things about sensitive topics, and to a point she was narcissistic - she broke my trust in her. I was younger and knew nothing about conflict resolution so I ex-communicated her and our friend group. Though it broke my heart to do so, it's how I felt I needed to protect myself. That was a drastic action I did but I still don't regret it.

In my experiences now, my childhood best friend has at one point said it was weird that I liked BTS (her reservation was that they're collectively younger than us), but that was a very long time ago and hasn't said anything negative since. She cares more about me as a person than my music tastes. Everyone who I'm currently close now as well have the same sentiments and only say nice things about BTS because they know I am a fan. If they say anything negative, it's usually lightly teasing rather than being malicious.

So people who care about you will not try to tear you down and if your friend really respects you and cares for you, she will reconsider her actions should you bring it up to her. If not... well, I think you would already know how she sees you as a person. I hope she will eventually treat you better and consider your feelings more.

Fuck it man, I feel like dropping a bunch of tips I have off the top of my head. Disorganized style.

I was a complete loner up until middle school. Found some guys that picked on me, but otherwise let me hang around them. I was the butt of their jokes, but that was enough for the attention. Then highschool came around, blah blah blah, really my point is, I know what lonely feels like. I haven't been long-term lonely for ages, but its a familiar feeling when it hits and I haven't talked to any friends for a week or I get left behind on weekend plans.

Here's my tips, in no particular order. This isn't a prescription, this isn't goddamn instructables. Also, I'm going to assume you're a man. Well, today you're a boy, but what you want to be is a man. (not like manly vs womanly, but like manly vs childish)

• Exersize. Build your testosterone. It's natures little motivation, attractiveness, happiness drug, and you don't need any shady dealer to get it, just work out. (also, if you're a gamer, think of testosterone as mana. Masturbating takes away your mana. Keep 'batin' and you'll never have full mana)
  
• Value your hobbies and encourage yourself towards the ones you like that are more social. Don't change who you are or stop painting warhammer figures, the point is to load up on conversational ammo; which is my next point:
  
• When you do things that make you happy, don't just smile to yourself, make it a habit to say to yourself, "OH MAN I CAN'T WAIT TO TELL SOMEONE ABOUT THIS!" If you're nervous, or just aren't terribly excited about sharing this with a person, practice on your dog, or a sock puppet. NOT YOUR SNAKE PUPPET YOU SICK FUCK, READ POINT 1
  
• Study things like How to Make Small Talk or learn body language because chances are you're missing out on a ton of the non-verbal and sub-text conversation that people, on a daily basis, have when meeting one another.
  
• Give self-improvement a shot /r/seduction, /r/getmotivated, /r/socialskills, or any of the fuck ton of other awesome communities reddit supports. A lot of them circlejerk or have pointless crap, but I know from my own experience there is a lot to offer if you really dig around and read, read, read.
  
• Once you've got these basics down, step up to more detailed things like, practicing your hygiene, fashion, and weekend activities. If you don't think those are important or relevant, you are without a doubt not aware of their connection to how people treat you. Go read on /r/loseit about how people transitioning from 250lbs to 150lbs notice how they're treated differently EVERYWHERE THEY FUCKING GO.
  
• Realize that there is never just one tip or quick fix for any significant frustration. It takes dedication and motivation (READ POINT 1) across many disciplines to truly truly become anyone you want to be.
  
  Where should you start? I want you to read this. specifically (and if its the only part you read that's good enough) part in the very beginning titled "MEET STYLE". Yes, the book is The Game. It is a super controversial book on the seduction community, and take it with a huge fucking grain of salt. Ultimately though, the book offers a great way to approach a problem of social frustration, but the specific 'seduction' methods are a mix of misguided and out of date. (That's not the section I remember reading, I'll try to find what I was thinking of, its some manifesto to self improvement) It was the one book that kicked off changing my social environment entirely. I now feel successful, happy, and confident to talk to any strangers and develop new friends. Also, no exceptions, watch the 1999 film Fight Club.
  
  MAKE TODAY THE DAY YOU FOUND THE RABBIT HOLE; TAKE THE RED PILL.

Sure! If you have any questions for the filmmaker herself, I'll send them on. From the teacher's desk:

Theory:

• The principles of animation are more important than any medium or software; tools come and go, but the principles will always be relevant.
  
• Disney's 12 principles and Richard Williams' Animator's Survival Kit are great resources to check out.
  
  Software:
  
  
• Before I started going to school for it, the first animations I ever did were GIFs in Photoshop Elements. While it was fun to tinker with, that process wasn't the most user-friendly.
  
• Now there are a number of freeware options if you just want to test the waters. I haven't used them myself, but if I were just starting out, I'd probably try Pencil first.
  
• Amy made this film using mostly ToonBoom Harmony, and some AfterEffects for post-production. Those have more tools than beginners probably need, and some of their pricing options are expensive, but both offer free trials and month-to-month licenses if you want to test them out.
  
• Studio Ghibli's animation software Toonz was recently made free--it's another package I haven't tried yet, but I definitely want to look into it when I have time.
  
  Amateur vs. Professional:
  
  
• Those links under "Theory" above are crucial, and I tend to grade animation in terms of mechanics (how believable the motion is) and performance (how well the motion conveys emotion or story).
  
  
• Mechanics: most of the notes I give are encouraging arc motion, slow-in/slow-out, and believable balance and weight.
  
  
• Performance: this gets more advanced and subjective, but a lot of it comes down to emotive posing, and timing that shows the character thinking, feeling, and reacting.
  
  Hope that helps! Those points are just scratching the surface on a huge amount of material, but for starting out, it's great to just have fun experimenting. Feel free to ask more questions, and good luck!

Alright, first thing you're gonna wanna do is chill out, it's gonna seem intimidating at first but once you really get into it it'll be second nature to ya.

First thing I'd recommend is finding a process that works for you, if you're not comfortable with Adobe then try out some other programs, I personally recommend Krita, it's a pretty simple program to operate not too advanced but provides the tools needed to make some good frame by frame animation, it's free too, which is always a plus. But there's also other alternatives like ToonBoom [good but pricey, so I've heard] and OpenToons [free] that are more advanced. Maybe take advantage of some free trials and see what you're most comfortable with.

You said you can't see the previous frame when moving to a new one, you have to enable onion skins which shows a silhouette of the previous drawing so you have something to reference.

Another thing you're probably gonna want to do is familiarize yourself with the process, check out a few videos on Youtube about animation, this one right here goes pretty well in depth on the twelve principles. I also recommend the Animator's Survival Kit, and so will most other animators [It's a really good book that goes way in depth on the whole process].

And the number one most important thing I can say is this, just keep animating. Practice as much as you can. I can sit here all day recommending books, videos, and software, but the thing you're gonna learn from the most is experience. So animate, find the methods you're most comfortable with, and make something with them, it doesn't necessarily even need to be good, it just needs to be a learning experience.

It's like exercising a muscle, the more you work at it the stronger it gets.

​

I hope this helps in some way.

I'm a serious introvert myself, so this is a topic of some considerable interest to me. :)

Introversion is not necessarily associated with anxiety, in that the traits are not that highly correlated and lots of introverts are not anxious. However, many people who are both introverted and anxious find that the two are intertwined. When that is the case, then getting better at coping with the anxiety can help you be more flexible in being introverted. There are a million self-help anxiety books, and most of them are pretty good because they are based on cognitive-behavioral principles. Personally, however, I am more intrigued by Acceptance and Commitment Therapy ideas, as described in books like Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life, The Happiness Trap, and The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Anxiety.

While we're on the topic of reading, if you haven't found it already, I'd suggest The Introvert Advantage -- a great book focusing on accepting, accommodating, and even feeling pretty good about your introversion.

Introversion appears to be very genetically-based and resistant to change, so accepting being an introvert will be an important first step. Introversion is not, in and of itself, healthy or unhealthy, although when you are surrounded by extroverts and a culture that values extroversion, it sure can feel like being introverted is unhealthy. IMHO, traits are only a problem when people are inflexible about applying them... that is, when they can only behave one way regardless of the situation. When people are interested in changing who they are, I often suggest, instead, trying to change how flexible they are about how they display the trait they are interested in changing.

To do that, you could think about the situations in which you are less introverted, and trying to figure out what it is about those situations that allow you to be less introverted. For me, I do better in situations that are structured, familiar, and relevant to my interests -- in those types of situations, you literally cannot shut me up. So, I can be more extroverted when I'm with a small group of good friends, or when I'm meeting a new therapy client for the first time (which is structured because I know exactly what I'm going to say), or when I'm commenting on reddit, or even when I'm teaching a large class or giving a talk to a huge audience. In contrast, in a small group of people I do not know well, when meeting a new person socially for the first time, or when doing something spontaneous that would cause a lot of people to pay attention to me (e.g., something terrible like karaoke), I am not able to be extroverted. But, if I wanted to be more extroverted, I could work to make those types of situations more structured, more familiar, or more relevant to my interests. Does that make sense?

Oh, and one more thing -- please join the Neuropsychology Book Club I am trying to start... I'm hoping it will be really interesting, especially for us voracious readers!!

You want to be able to have sex with other people AND keep your relationship with your girlfriend. I don't think you realize how lucky you are to have a girlfriend who is willing to try to make this work with you, despite the fact that it isn't something she wants. The vast majority of people would respond to this with an outright "No." or end the relationship completely.

Your girlfriend is giving up a lot for you in order to make this work. She is losing the sense of security that a monogamous relationship brings; she is putting herself at risk of having her feelings hurt and having to deal with the jealousy that this is likely to cause her. She is putting a huge amount of trust in you to:

• be mindful of her feelings
  
• be completely honest with her
  
• practice safe sex and not give her an STD or impregnate someone else
  
• not develop feelings for someone else and leave her
  
  You owe it to this woman to not break her trust. You owe her complete honesty and good communication. You owe it to her to make good decisions and be mindful of her feelings. Even if you having sex with other people will likely be hard on her, there are still things that you can do to minimize this---and one of those things is reinforcing her trust in you by things like a) not lying to her or hiding things from her, and b) making every effort to not neglect her needs and feelings.
  
  You've already failed. You lied about where you were going, you hid it from her when she called you, and you neglected her when she was in a time of need (if you had been honest with her, you may not have been able to get there as soon as she wanted you to be there, but you could have given her the piece of mind that you were dropping everything to come and be there for her). Instead, you made her feel like you were just "too tired" to be there for her in a time of need.
  
  There's a good chance that you've ruined your chance to have an open relationship with this woman, or in the very least, you've made it 100% harder than it already was by breaking her trust.
  
  And after all of this, you have the balls to say that you're angry and resentful about this (her friend died, ffs, and that's no one's fault and not something that can be helped). Look, I totally get that you were looking forward to this and now you feel disappointed, but you need to get your priorities straight. What's more important to you, a weekend of fun... or being there for the person you're supposed to care about when they're in need? There will be plenty of opportunities to have fun in the future, but your girlfriend needs your support now. It's not the kind of thing that waits until a convenient time, and knowing that your partner is willing to be there for you when you need them... well, isn't that one of the main reasons why people get into relationships to begin with?
  
  Honestly, if you would have handled this situation maturely, this could have actually been a huge positive reinforcement for having an open relationship. If your girlfriend knew that you went to the festival (with the possibility of meeting other woman), but you dropped everything to come and be with her when she needed you, you would be showing her that she is your priority and that you aren't going to neglect her needs. Experiences like that can go a long way in terms of building trust and comfort in an open relationship.
  
  Now, it sounds like you did drop everything to go and be with her, but the fact that you lied about where you were is going to overshadow that. (And please, please, please don't tell your girlfriend, "Well, I did drop everything to come and be with you". You don't deserve a cookie for your behaviour, so don't try to justify it by giving yourself a pat on the back for something you SHOULD do regardless.
  
  In my opinion, I think that the two of you should end things. You're not mature enough to be in an open relationship, and it doesn't sound like it's something she wants anyway.
  
  However, if the two of you decide that this is something you really want to make work, you need to:
  
  

1. Come clean to your girlfriend.
   
2. Admit that you made a mistake and handled things immaturely, and sincerely apologize.
   
3. Work on your communication with each other.
   
4. Discuss boundaries and expectations.
   
5. Educate yourselves. There are a lot of good resources about open relationships; they can help you develop realistic boundaries and expectations, better communication, and a better mindset and understanding of how to make this work.
   
   Recommended reading:
   
   The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures (book)
   
   Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships (book)
   
   morethantwo.com (website)
   
   (Note: some of these resources are more geared toward polyamorous relationships, but they still have a lot of good information for any kind of nonmonogamous relationship).

Hey,

I love to talk but it wasn't always this way. I would highly recommend just practicing. I have found the following books to be really useful aids in my learning to be a better conversationalist:

• How to talk to anyone
  
• Drop the pink elephant
  
• How to win friends and influence people
  
  Here are some really basic tips for getting people to talk.
  
  
• Ask 'How do you spend most of your time' rather than asking about work / hobbies. They will tell you what really interests them.
  
  
• If you're stuck how to follow up on an answer, just repeat the last bit. For example - Them: 'O, I love making songs in my spare time' - You : 'Songs?'. They will then tell you all the songs and you can follow this up in more detail.
  
  
• Don't go on a date without having read the news. Know whats happening in the world. No one likes to talk about the weather, so make sure you've got your fallback.
  
  
  As for you last point about 'I actually don't know what to bring up to even trigger a question about myself.'. There is a great quote :
  
  > “No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next.”
  
  You should get away from this notion. I try to not talk too much about myself, you want to show interest in them rather than trying to impress them with yourself. They will naturally ask you questions when they think of them, try not to focus on steering the conversion to a interest of yours. Another big point is, if you find a common interest, don't let them know instantly with a 'ME TO!'. Keep quiet, ask them about it and at some point drop a few subtle hints that you know of the subject. They will be much more impressed that you share an interest but don't feel compelled to scream it instantly.
  
  I hope this helps a little :)

A lot of books can offer valid practical advice, but AFAIK, there is no one compendium that you have to read. The best thing you can do is develop a mindset consisting of your values regarding interpersonal interaction. Social skills are 80% mindset and 20% taking a plunge and a willingness to try.


Apart from the books I suggested in the other thread, I can only advise you to branch out:

• Many people, among them myself, appreciate ancient stoicism (Epictetus, Marcus Aurelius). Philosophy, ethics in particular, can be highly beneficial, because it forces you to actually think about what your values are supposed to look like.
  
  
• /r/howtonotgiveafuck is modern stoicism and relates to our discussion about how much you should care.The quality varies - I haven't checked it out lately, but it went through excellent and less than stellar phases.
  
  
• It is always useful to understand body language, to avoid sending negative body signals, understand others better and become more expressive. This book is great.
  
  
• /r/getsuave is a subreddit aimed at those who want to build charisma and navigate social situations with elegance. It is concerned with dating and attraction a lot.
  
  
• "How to win friends and influence people" will probably be suggested. It was revolutionary when it came out, but today, it's more of a staple. An interesting read, but not the holy grail. Also less manipulative than the title suggests.
  
  
• Personality psychology, albeit a fuzzy field, might prove useful. It can open your eyes to how different people are, which can lead to a better understanding of yourself and others. MBTI is highly popular, but entirely unscientific - the theory behind it is wobbly and wonky. If you want to take a test, I'd suggest this one, as it cuts down on the theory fluff and aims at incorporating Big5, the most reliable and scientific tool to date.

Throwaway time - yay. I feel so liberated with throwaways.

I can relate to this, went through a similar episode, schooled here, went abroad for uni, had the best 3 damn years of my life, and came back here feeling like I made a mistake coming back.

Also got my license late because of that moving around, so when I did come back I also found it hard to get around to meet friends, barely made it to the office (to a job I stopped liking or learning anything after 3 months). And also found it hard to reconnect with old friends as people mostly seem like here, out of sight, out of mind kind of nature. Saying no initially eventually meant you're forgotten. Can't blame them, gone for 3 years, back, and saying no to going out. Yeah I wouldn't talk to me either. But I also would never ever trade those 3 years abroad for doing them here, not only was it kick-ass awesome, it also taught me theres an entire planet and world out there.

Well that was 3 years ago, I've now changed jobs 3 times, started a company and closed it, on my 3rd job, got my license (obv), car that I like, etc.

Things can get better.

Here's the truth: there are 3 cornerstones in your life:

1. Your job
   
   
2. Your house (or apartment)
   
   
3. Your relationships
   
   If you have those things in order, you can afford to take almost any "risk" you want.
   
   What got me through is this:
   
   

• Always be pursuing your passion. Every year my passion and focus is a little different but in the same field, infact I realize its simply a career progression in a field that does not have clear 1-2-3 steps.
  
  So love what you do. If you don't, whatever you do, be the best at it. Or better yet, pursue what you love. Your career and job will lead your life, so make sure you absolutely have that one down right, otherwise your home and relationships will suffer.
  
  
• Read. Read great blogs or books that focus on self-growth. The human brain develops its final phase of its personality in your 20's. By the time you hit early 30's your personality and future is completely directed by how you grow and what you do in these 20's. It's also very normal that people in their 20's to get so confused or lost specially getting out of grades and a clear track life of school to suddenly the work force where nothing is straight forward or graded. My personal recommendations are James Clear website, I could lose myself for hours reading his stuff, go to his best articles section. A simple good read is this article. There's also this book, and finally just sign up for the mailing list of this website, I know this site looks spammy as hell but trust me its got some solid content thats specifically relevant to people like you (and me).
  
  
• If you live with family after living alone for a while, you probably want the get the furthest away as possible from them. If you can, find a way to live alone again. This might be tougher to do though depending on your family, and it might be one of those things you just have to haul it along.
  
  
• Manage or clear your debts. There are many strategies out there, I like the clear the smallest debts first approach. Have a wants and needs list, wants make you poorer, needs (including investments) make your richer.
  
  I'm personally already drawing up my escape plan. Planning to move abroad for work in about a year once I settle stuff here and gain the right experience I need to do that. Let me know if you want me to share it.

For you first attempt at animation, I thing you did a great job! Definitely a good start.

The storytelling is a bit unclear, it took me a few views to understand exactly what was going on. The main reason it was unclear to me is because up until the end, I didn't really know where the characters were in relationship to one another. A couple ways you could fix this is to have a background in each shot to show where they are in the environment and have a few shot where you see both characters in frame at the same time to show how close/far they are from each other. I would also have an establishing shot at the beginning to show where the story is taking place. I think you are also missing a few key storytelling shots at the beginning that would help clarify that the characters are playing hide and seek. I think you need to show the beginning of the game, where the boy character would be counting and the girl character is starting to hide.

In terms of the animation, I think the constantly changing line color is distracting. I would try to keep it to one color throughout. You could have the boy and girl have different colors, but I wouldn't keep those colors consistent in each shot. I like the loose/rough quality of your drawings, but I think you need to pay more attention to the volume and form of your characters. Your timing and spacing in the animation is quite even as well. Meaning, it looks like everything is moving at the same speed and it is hard to distinguish between fast and slow movements. Timing and spacing are hard to get right, even for people who have been animating for a long time. The only way to improve these skills are to keep animating!

For your first animation, I think you did really well, the more you animate the more you will improve. I think you chose a really complex subject for this animation and suggest you start with some easier animation tests moving forward. I would start off with learning the 12 animation principles and animating some basic stuff like bouncing balls, pendulums, falling leaves, etc. I would recommend buying these books: Animator's Survival Kit and Eric Goldburg's Character Animation Crash Course. You also might want to look in to using software that is designed for animation. It will probably make it easier to see the animation as your working on it instead of exporting out images and putting them together in movie maker. You should check out PAP4, its a simple animation program that is free to download/use.

As far as applying to CalArts, I would really focus on creating a great portfolio with solid life drawing. CalArts wants to see that their prospective students already have solid drawing skills so that you can hit the ground running when you start classes. I would see about taking some local life drawing classes/workshops where you live so you can build up a solid portfolio. While they like to see students with previous experience animating, the portfolio is much more important to getting accepted there. You should check out AnimatedBuzz, its a social community for animators. There are a lot of prospective CalArts students on there who post their work on the forums to get feedback.

Hope this helps. Good luck to you and keep animating :)

23 M fresh out of college, did something very similar and am in a similar situation, except I’ve decided that getting her back isn’t my goal. At this point I have too much respect for her and myself to go down the selfish path of trying to get her back. I’d start exploring the idea of getting better for you and you alone and a better woman will come along one day, or not, and that’s what I’m learning to be okay with.

I’d HIGHLY recommend this book it is a very easy read(grammatically speaking) that hits very very hard. This is an amazing way to baseline where you’re at and figure out what needs to be worked on, chances are there’s plenty stuff you’re unaware of.

On top of that, some standard ways to jolt your body to support your mental progress: exercise, eat clean, meditate, sleep more, drink less, etc. if you’re not doing this any mental progress you attempt to make will be much more difficult. There’s some amazing correlations behind changing your bodily habits and the positive changes in thoughts and emotions.

Don’t go crazy, though. Lift for an hour 3-4 times a week, do some free YouTube yoga on your rest days, and get good sleep. If your job allows it, start implementing a sleep schedule to help manage your time. All these little things have a way of building up and impeding the progress we really care about, make the effort to “automate” a lot of those fundamental processes and you’ll put yourself in the best position to effectively make emotional and mental progress through meditation or whatever other therapy you seek out.

Good luck, feel free to PM me about more stuff I’m in a similar boat as you

Edit: also this book is another essential for being emotionally mature. Understanding Attachment Theory will make your dating life much more manageable

Almost everything here is great advice, so much so that I'm probably going to send my wife a copy of this thread so she can finally 'get it.' Just my two cents on the topic as well:

As you can probably guess, I'm introverted, my wife of eleven years is an extrovert. She's a talker. Loves to talk to people, anyone. At length. She wouldn't know concise if it landed on her head and crapped in her hair. (She's also very (ugh) touchy-feely. Still love her, though.)

She's had many of the same complaints that you're expressing in your post: Physical contact (like holding hands, little touches out in public, PDA's, etc) and communication (or the lack thereof, in her opinion). I tell her the same thing, everytime:

---
I'm just not geared the same way you are.

It's not that I don't like social situations, it's just that they are mentally and physically draining for me. Small talk sucks. Especially if I don't know anyone there, those are the worst. Having a few 'go-to' friends around helps. Making sure there is someplace I can retreat off to, even if it's just a chair in the corner, to recover a bit, helps. Understanding if I tell you I need a break for 5-10 minutes to recharge the batteries, and noticing if I do need to take a break (body language and if I'm getting cranky), helps. Please don't get mad at me when I do these things, it's just what I need.

Conversation-wise, I'm not a big talker, unless I'm with close friends or family. Even then, I tend to only say what I think is needed. I'm not big on small talk; I'm fine with silence, I don't need to fill every space in a conversation with, IMHO, unnecessary noise. That being said, please don't take my silence for being cold, or distant, or me ignoring you. I choose my words carefully, and unfortunately that takes a few moments in my head. If you're asking a question, please give me time to contemplate my answer. It's important, because I value your understanding.

I absolutely need me time, with no one else around a lot so I can enjoy some of the things I love doing and clear the clutter and the noise and all the flotsam and jetsam of sound and light that accumulates in my head; it brings me clarity and peace, and allows me to feel so much better. Please don't be offended if I ask for time alone, or if I shoo you away when I'm in the middle of one of my solitary tasks; instead, support me with understanding. I need time to myself just as much as you need time out being social. Support me and who I am, and you will discover yourself receiving more than you give in return.

---
I think the biggest thing is understanding. He's probably got similar complaints about the strange 'crazy extroverted woman' that he's going out with, and trying to figure you out as well.

This last year, I read a couple of good books that helped me understand my own introversion better:

The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World, and
Introvert Power: Why Your Inner Life Is Your Hidden Strength. I found them at my local library, just linked them to Amazon for pictures. They definitely gave me a deeper understanding of why I am how I am, and much better knowing that there were a lot of people just like me. If you can find one or the other, give it a skim, or even sit down and read it through with him. Might just help.

[Edit: Just found my copy of The Introvert Advantage here. I'm done with it, and would be happy to throw it in the mail to you. Just have to promise to pass it on to anyone else here in /r/introvert when you're done.]

I can relate to this since I pretty much stayed home for most of my summer at the moment but now i got a job and am starting to be more social. What will really help you out is if you start going to random places wheres their people and just start making small conversations with people. I know its going to be uncomfortable and you'll most likely have some awkward silence and run out of things to say, but the more you do it, the more you get use to it and soon enough your social skills should get better. You can even start small by simply saying hi to people as they pass by or try giving high fives to people. I also reccomend the book how to win friends and influence people by andrew carnegie I am sure you can find it somewhere online for free or just buy from Amazon. Anyways the only way you'll get better is if you go outside and step out your comfort zone. Learn to talk about anything, and be yourself meaning talk to people about the stuff you like and hobbies you do. This will help you find out if other people have the same interest as you or not, but chances are you'll definitely find people that have similar interests to you (If you don't what kind of person how will you share yourself with others. So start to learn about yourself and decide what kinda person you to be/become). Lastly I recommend howtonogiveafudge reddit as this will help you learn not to care about what people think about your action and stuff you do and it lets you be more selfish (in a good way so that you could do what you want without worrying about people judging you) and I reccomend this video by simplepickup basically telling you about what true confidence is. Hope this helps :)

This is going to get buried under the shitload of answers you are getting, but I hope you see this, or that it'll at least help someone else.

I've had this problem for a few months now : even hanging out with friends, I was losing the capacity of having a conversation. I started talking more and more about me, and the more I talked, the more I felt like a douche. So I took steps.
First, I started asking more questions about the stories people were telling, refraining myself to tell my side of the story, my view of the story, or just my story ('cause this behavior sucks ass). For a while, it was getting better, but it didn't feel natural.

After an evening at a friend's place, where we had a closeup magician doing a show, I realized that it was not only about what I was saying, it was about what I was thinking that made me feel like a douche. This guy, this magician, was so charming, so fucking captivating. It was my first time experiencing closeup magic, and I was just sold. After the show, I went and asked him how he was doing it. Not the magic tricks, but the social tricks. He told me that he read lots of books, and that basically, he was convincing himself before each show, to be who he needed to be. He was acting, he was playing a fucking nice guy who didn't give two shits about himself but only cared about others. And it caught on, became more natural. He mastered this skill, and went from doing magic shows all around the world (even Vegas) to giving conferences to leaders on how to be better managers.

After reading some of those books, and doing a bit of research, I understood what he was saying : Fake it until you make it. I actually discovered through some TED talks (amazing stuff) that you can fake it until you become it.

From my point of view, there's a couple of skills to master to become a good conversationalist. Body language is very important : to understand the body language of others to better adapt yours and be seen as non-threatening. You have to understand the science of influence, and how humans react to interactions with others. And to become a master at it : you have to be sincere. You can't fake honesty 100%. Somewhere along the way, your body language will screw you, or you'll slip and people will understand that you are faking it. That is why you have to become a character who doesn't fake it.

Here is the list of the books and videos I read/watched about those skills. Some where recommended on Reddit, others I just found them. The books are sorted by most important in my opinion. And even if I bought them (thrift or not), you can still find all of them online.

• Videos
  
• TED Talk : Body language and the power of the hands
  
• TED Talk : Fake until you become it
  
• TED Talk : How to manage your stress (when talking in public)
  
• TED Talk : How to speak so people will want to listen
  
• The Science of Influence
  
• Books
  
  
• How to Win Friends and Influence People - Dale Carnegie
  
• What Every BODY Is Saying - An ex FBI agent's guide to speed reading people - Joe Navarro
  
• Influence : Science and Practice - Robert Cialdini
  
• It's Not All About "Me": The Top Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone - Robin Dreeke
  
• Yes!, 50 Scientifically Proven Ways to Be Persuasive - Noah Goldstein, Steve Martin, Robert Cialdini
  
  
• Phil Hellumth Presents Read Em and Reap - Joe Navarro, Marvin Karlins, Hellmuth Phil
  
• The Definitive Book of Body Language - Barbara Pease, Allan Pease
  
  Hope it helps.

I’m not going to judge you. There’s something judge Judy says: Beauty fades. Dumb is forever. Not calling you dumb, but I hope you are gaining some intellectual capital (in school or something) so that you can bounce back when this ends, because ...trust me...it will...and not likely in your favor.

There’s a book called “the defining decade” The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now https://www.amazon.com/dp/0446561754/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_tai_WNSKDb6G43MZ6

It is totally worth the 10$. I was in a similar (but not identical) situation. This book encouraged me to step out, go to grad school, and the rest is history.

Please, build something for yourself (heck, become a gay escort, a male stripper, or a model, if you plan to rely on your looks)...so that you have something to fall back on when this ends. It bears repeating. It will end...and most likely not in your favour. Much love.

EDIT: if this man and his friends are good people, they might be interested in mentoring you professionally. Can you at least gain some long term professional (eventual long term financial) benefit from this arrangement? You might need to ask creatively...and probably not of him initially if you don’t want to do additional acts. Perhaps one of his friends is in real estate and ...I’ll stop being officious. Good luck.

Alright man, I realize that I was lucky in the genetic lottery to have a foundation to work with, but I am in the middle of the scale. I'm definitely not one of those guys who is just beautiful, I gain weight easily if I don't watch what I eat, and I certainly wasn't doing myself any favors by the way I dressed. What I'd say, even if you're at the total end of the scale on the ugly side (which I doubt, everyone's their own harshest critic), but it's possible, is you still have things that are within your control. You can't control your face, but you can control your weight, how you carry yourself, how you conduct yourself, and how you present yourself.

For fitness check this out: https://www.reddit.com/r/Fitness/wiki/getting_started
You don't need to join a gym or anything like that either, it can help motivate some people, but for me I wouldn't go because I'd procrastinate just getting there. Now I jump-rope at home and do a variety of pushups/pullups one day and dips/rows the other. I'm hitting my legs/cardio with the jump-rope and my entire upper body between the others, I rarely spend over 30 minutes a day, and I don't leave the house.

How to carry yourself: This is a great Ted Talk on the subject: https://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are?language=en

Also, taking into consideration how to carry yourself and moving into how to conduct yourself, this book covers both subjects very well, I highly recommend it: https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Anyone-Success-Relationships/dp/007141858X

And as far as presentation goes, you don't need to break the bank, just check out /r/malefashionadvice and get a primer on how to buy clothes that fit well. This is also a great look at how to have a wardrobe that seems varied on the surface, but is actually quite minimal and affordable: http://www.artofmanliness.com/2014/11/21/how-to-build-a-minimal-wardrobe-video/

Also, one thing you can't do on your own is getting a good haircut. Find a barber and spend the extra cash, it's amazing.


Side-note: If you have any physical disabilities or deformities, that's really beyond the challenges I've had to deal with. I'd imagine all my advice is still applicable, but that it would definitely make things much harder, so I'd suggest finding a forum with people who are more experienced when it comes to such things.

I think that you're going to have to try a bunch of things and see what you enjoy. It sounds like you haven't had the opportunity or drive to develop outside hobbies, and I'm going to venture a guess that during primary and secondary school you were raised in a culture that encouraged studying and very little else. So, now's the time to figure out what you like.

If you're somewhat into reading, I'd recommend The Girly Book Club. I'm a part of my local chapter, and it's a great way to meet fellow introverts and make some friends. Looks like there's a local chapter in Stuttgart: https://www.meetup.com/The-Stuttgart-Girly-Book-Club/.

Others have already mentioned using Meetup.com to find some groups you can join. Here is the link to the Leipzig, Germany meetup groups. Pick a few that sound interesting to try out.

Other ideas would be finding an organization on campus to get involved in--it could be related to an interest or career development. Volunteer somewhere for a cause that interests you, such as helping at an animal shelter since you love dogs. Take fitness classes or local cooking classes. Pick up photography. Learn to go hiking. Go geocaching. You can do a quick Google search for hobby ideas to get a list of things, and then try the ones that sound somewhat interesting to you. Also try a few things that you normally wouldn't--you never know what you might like!

As for the social skills, the good news is that they're skills and so you can learn and improve if you set your mind to it. There are videos, books and articles about things like body language, how to be a good conversationalist, how to connect with people more easily. Pick up a copy of How to Win Friends and Influence People. It's a classic for a reason. How to Talk to Anyone is also a good read.

Pete, setup informational interviews at organizations near you, professional and college. This is a form of networking that will help you learn who holds positions who will give you 10-30 minutes of their time to learn about duties and skills in different roles at different ballclubs.

You have to ask, ask, ask, but you will learn of many ways you know someone who works at these clubs. Use your networks to find connections that are 1,2,3 levels deep. You will find its likely that over time you'll only have to go 1 or 2 levels of connection. Ask the athletic departments at your university. A lot of clubs have spring training in AZ, so you're likely in a good spot to find connections. Here is an example of what you could ask:

> I'm so_and_soap, a senior here at NAU. I'm interested in working with MLB and am wondering if there are some staff here who can help me setup informational interviews at the Diamondbacks, MLB?

There are three goals (or however many you make up) for informational interviews.

1. Get answers to the questions you have about skills and duties. Skills are valuable to learn; by knowing the required skills you will interview well and likely do the job well. Duties help you think about the jobs you would like.
   
   
2. Get the word out that you want to get an entry level job when you graduate, titles might include coordinator, analyst, associate, etc. Be open, say yes to things.
   
   
3. Build your network. It is nice to meet people and is the most likely way to get anything done in business. Don't feel an obligation to be close with informational interview people. Keep it light and focussed, having fun. You will run into the same people over time and relationships will build from it. In the meantime, they might be able to help you with making introductions to people who have the power to hire you. It is these people you who can hire you that you want to meet.
   
   
   Patience
   You might find something at your ballclub within your search timeframe quickly. Most likely, though, you will need to include more companies in your search. Whatever the job, focus on developing those skills you think ae most important to land you at MLB or other targetted companies.
   
   
   Networking ideas:
   Linkedin, parents, university alumni, directories, friends, friends' parents, guest lecturers, professors, bosses
   
   
   Say Yes
   In your replies to comments you have said 3 times that you don't know something or don't have requisite skill for something. That is not productive nor useful to your efforts. Instead think of a question that might get that piece of information answered.
   
   
   Resources
   
   Highly Effective Networking by Orville Pierson
   
   Use your head to get your foot in the door by Harvey Mackay
   
   Nonviolent Communication
   
   Spin Selling
   

You should be more specific about what you're hoping to learn. There are thousands of resources out there in regards to entrepreneurship, marketing, website development & eCommerce. You could find pretty much anything you want if you phrase it correctly.

Example Searches

• How to setup Facebook ads
  
• How to start a business under $1,000
  
• Growth hacking (tips and tricks on growing your business fast)
  
• How to build a wordpress website + top wordpress plugins
  
• How to create a landing page
  
• Best community bulletin board software
  
• How to build a Facebook group
  
• How to create YouTube videos
  
  ​
  
  You can just keep going from there.
  
  The basics of what you'll need, assuming you know nothing (which I doubt) would be this.
  
  
• How to build a website (wordpress, html, Wix, Squarespace, .etc)
  
• How to build an audience (paid + organic, FB + Google + Instagram + Pinterest + YouTube + Reddit)
  
  Everything else you just figure out along the way based on how you want to monetize your audience and quite honestly, no book is going to help you figure that out.
  
  You'll learn a lot more just hanging out on Reddit and watching YouTube videos on the subject matter that's next on your checklist. Books are almost purely inspirational at this point and I think we can agree there are plenty of Podcasts that will help you find inspiration (and skill), such as The Top (Nathan Latka) or Mixergy
  
  If you study hustlers you'll get all the information and inspiration you could ever hope for. Read or watch anything from Noah Kagan (AppSumo). No one does it better than him. Ryan Holiday (not an affiliate link) is another favorite of mine. There are also some older Tim Ferriss articles that really talk about how you approach certain businesses.
  
  Like I said, man. It's all out there. You don't need to pay $1 for information, you just have to know what to look for and if you listen to a few podcasts or read a few beginner articles you'll figure out pretty quickly the steps you need to take next.
  
  ​
  
  Some Books I Like (no affiliate links)
  
  
• The Obstacle Is The Way: Ryan Holiday
  
• Extraordinary Popular Delusions And The Madness of Crowds: Charles Mackay
  
• Secrets Of A Master Closer: Mike Kaplan
  
• Hooked: Nir Eyal
  
• The Art Of Learning: Josh Waitzken
  
• The 4 Hour Workweek: Tim Ferriss (Maybe the best entrepreneur book of all time)
  
• Pitch Anything: Oren Klaff
  
• The Gambler: William C. Rempel
  
• and of course...How To Win Friends & Influence People: Dale Carnegie (everyone MUST read this book)

Hey!

Ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term that includes any activities where all parties involved know about the outside relationships and agree to participate. So if I am into another man, both my husband know about the guy and the guy is aware that I am married. It includes everything from swinging (sex, no emotions, typically done as a couple) to polyamory (literally "multiple loves" and can include multiple loving relationships) and a bunch of other dynamics.

Us? We allow for the "spark." You know how you meet somebody at random and you feel a connection with them? A spark? Like for some reason, at a crowded bar or gym or library, you spark with that one random stranger? That. That is our ethical non-monogamy. When that happens, we go to our spouse and let them know we felt that with somebody else. We talk it out. We are excited for each other and encourage each other.

We personally don't seek out other relationships; no dating profile or swing clubs here. We simply enjoy our loving and healthy marriage and if we feel a connection with another, we are free to explore why that person has been brought in our path. Maybe they are meant to be a friend, or teach us a lesson. Maybe they are to be the greatest fuck of our lives. Maybe we could love them. We don't want to spend our lives wondering "what if." We have found some love, some lust, some heartache, some heartbreak, but overall, it has been an incredibly positive experience.

This requires gobs of honest communication, so you'd be a natural at that end of it.

Both my husband and I have realized, after time and practice and mistakes, that neither of us are interested in sex without loving emotions. We just aren't into unemotional sex. Can we have a couple drinks and find a beautiful chick to give my husband a two girl BJ with me in a nightclub bathroom stall? Sure. But sexual relationships with a consistent partner requires actually caring about that person as a potential member of our family. The emotions never go away. You get concerned, jealous, elated, frustrated, etc. It is all in learning how to deal with those emotions. I guess, at the end of the day, if my husband all of a sudden fell in love with another woman and didn't want anything to do with me anymore, well, I don't want a relationship with that man anyway. That is not the man I married.

Some can have sex without emotions. The questions is can you guys? To thine own self be true.

https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379

https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X/ref=pd_sim_14_1?ie=UTF8&dpID=41V-zAQaZbL&dpSrc=sims&preST=_AC_UL320_SR208%2C320_&psc=1&refRID=BNXW54MZ79NJYTRHTGWV

https://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two-Practical-Polyamory/dp/0991399706/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_3?ie=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=RZ5Q4XCC0W2J9E9CA237

You're short, you have acne, you dress poorly, you're no fun to be around, you have no friends/squad, you're shy/introverted/won't approach, you look like a boy and have no authority, you have no sexual experience ... why do you think you should have a girlfriend again?

I know I'm being harsh, but the earlier you learn this the better: you must offer value. Otherwise why do you think anyone would be with you?

Work on the things you can, accept the things you can't.

Short - no solution.

Acne - eat better, sleep better, see a dermatologist.

Learn to dress better.

Finally, learn to socialize. This will have all kind of cascading effects. You will be more fun to be around, you will have a squad, you will have authority based on your friends' opinions of you. It definitely won't be easy, and sure, it goes against what you think is your fundamental nature, but right now, your fundamental nature is also to be girlfriendless. How badly do you want to change the situation?

Some tips for being more sociable: Be generous with your time and thoughts. Compliment people. Listen to them. Think about what they need and offer to help them. Again, you must offer value. Sometimes you won't get anything back. That's part of the pain of the learning process. Let that unrequited kindness go.

Here's a book that may help you with your introverted nature. In part, the author recommends faking it until you make it. Make it into a game, so you can step away, and you can reward yourself for small bit of progress:

https://www.amazon.ca/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352153

> Though the part where you wrote that the stuff we shared is less meaningful, that is a hard thing to swallow.

Well, maybe I should clarify. The things that you shared may be less meaningful to her. They may have more meaning to you, though, possibly because you're holding on to the meaning.

What's interesting is the reverse may happen to you. At some point in your life, you'll have a relationship with someone, but you'll grow apart from that person where you won't want to be around that person as much. They may still want to be close to you, though.

There's an interesting book about this called "Attached": https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585429139/ -- You can probably find it at the library as well, if you don't want to buy it for $10.

It's a verbose version of this wikipedia page: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory

A friend of mine found the book very interesting and it explained to her why she had difficulty with friendships/relationships.

Anyway, to address your points:

> 1- most people already have a close friend or a group of friends and are not taking applications.

Yes... And no.

Yes, many people already have close friend / friend group, but no. In fact, many will also take new comers... If they fit or add to the group somehow.

> 2- I have developed a fear of getting close to people (emotionly).

See that book "Attached". It covers this pretty well. It may help you realize why you carry this fear.

> 3- just because you strike a conversation with someone, that won't guarantee anything.

Yes, and if you don't strike up a conversation, then definitely, without a doubt, nothing will happen. So the reality is that when a door opens a little bit, why not open it a little more? If a door opens, don't just automatically close it. Chances are the person behind the door won't try to open it again. And then you have a self-fulfilling prophecy where you keep closing doors and indeed they'll stay shut. Yet somehow you'll keep hoping that all these doors will open magically and everything will be perfect. Friendships are hard sometimes. They can often take a little work. Sometimes they survive and get stronger, sometimes they don't. And that's how it goes.

As Woody Allen once said, "Showing up is 80 percent of life." Keep showing up. People will remember you and want to be your friend if you keep showing up. Not everyone, but some people.

\> I know they say you have to be okay on your own before you can be in a healthy relationship- but it seems like a tall order if you have no support. Just wondering if anyone else can relate.

I used to believe that you have to be okay on your own, but now I disagree with statement. Based off of my personal experience and information knowledge of trauma and attachment, I've revised my belief: Even if we don't need one (1) human to be our other half, we need the right social circle and the access to the right resources to have a solid foundation in order to have the skills, motivation, and support make progress toward their goals, feel secure, and be happy.


While I'm not a professional psychologist, what's working for me is trying to be vulnerable but being careful about who I do it with. There needs to be some thought about who I share it with, like what am I trying to do by sharing it with *this* specific person. Am I feeling some inner pain that I believe this person can ease? Am I sharing an experience that I think they will understand? If they don't understand, am I sharing this because I still trust them and I want to bond with them?

I believe healthy relationships is a balance of *relying* (as opposed to needing) on the *appropriate* people depending on the situation (as opposed to relying on the same person for every situation). Sometimes we will take risks and be let down. Over time by doing so, you refine your radar to know who is the best person for a feeling, situation, or experience.

Wishing the best in your healing.

Be warned, this will be very long, however i wanted to share my experiences up to this point and some ideas on what you could do. I hope this does help you, and anyone else whom is reading.

Definitely join clubs. you may want to look into Student Government since it's a great way to meat people and get involved with your school. Also, if you have a Student Center, hang out there often. If you're commuting, make sure you get to school probably an hour or two early. Also, perhaps a Cafe would be a good idea as well. One issue that I have is that there isn't a whole lot of recreational clubs in College, or Community college for that matter. Find something that can pertain to your field. Aside from College, when i'm usually at Comic Con's, I will see advertisements for a few groups that meet up occasionally. You may also want to try the whole Speed dating thing I mentioned earlier that is usually held at Comic Con... just be warned there will be a few interesting characters however.

You may also want to check in with any Mom and pop cafe's if you have any near you. They may host events. There's one down the street from where I live that does a Chess night which i'm interested in. You're also going to need to set goals. My goal for now is to try to get a girlfriend before my 20th Birthday, and that's only 6 months away, but it will hopefully motivate myself to work very very hard. People say that the moment you "stop caring" or "stop trying" is the moment you find a girlfriend. Even though I have no experience with women beyond asking them out and being rejected unfortunately, you do have to try. What's helped me is to think of dating as if you would look for a job. You can't put all your eggs in one basket. You can't focus on only one employer to hire you, as much as you can't focus on only one girl to go out with you. Dating is very much so a numbers game. Luck does seem to play a part.

I've gone from shaking like crazy at the thought of talking to a girl, I always rationalized myself out of approaching women. I trained myself to be a bit more "brave" I guess you could call it. At first i just started complimenting girls weather it be customers at my job, peers, anyone, and at first i was extremely nervous with that whole idea. I even tried rationalizing not to even tell a girl that I like her eyes, or her hair, or her clothes, but eventually I got myself to a point where I don't feel excruciatingly nervous when talking to a girl. I still feel awkward at times when I give out a compliment, but I usually leave with some feelings of satisfaction. Another thing I really started doing is cold approaching. Now instead of just complimenting someone, I tried to strike up a conversation.

Now it didn't go too bad, but it didn't end great but I feel as though it did prepare me for other things in some level. Over the last year and a half, or even perhaps the last 4 years, I've asked out over 30 girls. None of which were interested in me, many of which rejected me on the spot, others which led me on and used me quite a lot. One thing you should be aware of is that, you're not going to leave this unscathed. You're going to have some baggage accumulated over the years, and you're going to be fighting a lot to not feel burnt out, to not become bitter, to not become resentful. It's going to be hard work trying to stay positive, especially when it's a lot easier to give the world the middle finger and sit in front of your computer, but I hope for your sake, and mine that we'll get out of this hell of which we call Forever alone and I fucking hope this will be all worth it.

EDIT: You may also want to look at these resources as they have helped me to a degree:

Books:

No More MR Nice guy

How to win friends and influence people

Websites/Blogs:

Shakedown Lab

Nick Notas

Youtube:

Stephan Erdman; Dating Coach

Simple Pickup

I've been poly for 10 years, and in a new LDR (4 months). He's a touring roadie, I'm an in-town roadie.

I would strongly recommend doing some reading on polyamory, open relationships, swinging, all that stuff. There's tons of great literature out there. Even if full-on multiple relationships isn't what you're looking for, you'll pick up lots and lots of tools to smooth a transition to non-monogamy, and just in general to have healthy communication.

Before you talk to him about it, and before you get with anyone else, try to have an idea of what you'd like, and what your boundaries are. Do you want just NSA booty, or FWB? What would you be comfortable for him to do with other women? What about barriers? Do you talk about your other partners, or is it a DADT situation? What if feels happen? A good rule of thumb is to picture your partner with someone else, having a great time. If this elicits strong feelings of jealousy, anger, and general badness, there's going to be a lot of things to work through.

After you've got a good idea of where you want to go, bring it up with him. Not with a specific other partner in mind, but just as a concept. Ask him to do research for himself. Even if he says "No way!", have him do the reading and make an informed decision. Make up your mind whether or not this is a deal breaker.

We're pretty strongly conditioned against the idea of non-monogamy, but the fact is that it's all around us. Open relationships are a pretty common practice, and can be part of a lot of healthy, loving, long-lasting romances.

I thought I would have to really reconsider my poly attitude when I met my current guy, because I am crazy-nuts-bananas in love. When I told him about it, he laughed that I had been scared and told me he had been in open relationships for a decade and preferred it!

Good luck on spreading the love!

https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379

https://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two-Practical-Polyamory/dp/0991399706

http://polyamorydiaries.com/im-madly-in-love-with-you-but-dont-worry-its-not-a-big-deal/

If you like to read about stuff like this, try "How to talk to anyone" by Lyle Lowndes. The title and premise/self-help style may seem kind of cheesy, but it's really useful if only so that it helps point out the things you may have noticed but don't keep in mind during day-to-day conversations.

I'm not sure if you ever have moments where you can ramble away a perfectly cogent thought, but pay attention to those times when you stop 'thinking' and put those words together in a smooth, receptive manner that is very much in context with the current scenario. If you can do that all the time, or very frequently, then I think that will help you the most. Two things that may help you:

1. Best advice I've ever gotten from a lady-friend and this is her advice to all men everywhere: Take it down a notch. Just one. So however/whatever you were planning on doing/saying to that girl? Just take it down one notch (there are times such as big events one-time-scenarios where you can maintain normal notch capacity)
   
   
2. Sometimes the most important thing is not saying something, or stopping to formulate your thoughts for a moment. There are times I'll want to burst out into conversation with the immediate response that comes to mind...over time I've learned to sort of filter myself unless I'm a bit excited. Sometimes, it's classier to say nothing or to do something subtle rather than say the first thing that comes to mind. Sometimes it's good to store that thought for a later moment in time when it's better formulated or when it is even more prevalent in a conversation. This can make circular conversation far easier and it's always impressive to link the current topic with a previous one with said audience (it shows you pay attention, that the discussion is more relevant than they possibly realized, and that engages people).
   
   P.S. Engage.
   
   http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Anyone-Success-Relationships/dp/007141858X
   
   Also, a current book I'm reading to sort of see the patterns people play out is "The Games People Play" by Eric Bernes (I think I got his name right). This book was sort of a breakthrough on psychology and the way we interact with each other. At the very least, these two books can give you ample information to communicate with people about human communication.
   

You shouldn't feel guilty. I was made to feel the same way about myself, but my mantra is "living well is the best revenge", because despite everything that my mother had done to me to make me feel like I'd never amount to anything, I have a wonderful life. You deserve to be happy. It sounds like you need to do some work on yourself, which means you need to take a step back and maybe see a counselor. If you want to start with maybe reading a good book on the topic, start with "Will I Ever Be Good Enough" : https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436 You are NOT to blame for the way you were raised.

It is extremely hard to live with the consequences of being raised by an NMom, I know. I still have to deal with it - there's nothing like feeling guilty about picking your mom up for Thanksgiving dinner from the low-income senior citizens apartment complex (she took out a reverse mortgage and blew through all the money after my dad passed) in a brand-new $50k SUV. Trust me. You just have to take it one day at a time and build yourself a good support network. I do suggest that you see a doctor though, it sounds like you had a pretty good anxiety attack. I had one like that about 17 years ago that caused me to re-evaluate much of my life. I spent about 3 years on medication to help with it. I no longer take anything though, and now I maybe get mini- anxiety attacks about once every other year, but nothing I can't deal with without the meds. I find that yoga is a huge help.

I am still VERY limited contact with my mom. Talk to her maybe once a month and have her for dinner on holidays.

Yes. Borderline Personality Disorder mother and a Narcissiric Personality Disorder (though this diagnosis is rarely given because narcissists rarely seek therapy unless they are forced to or suffer a flash of light live-changing usually traumatic experience where their narcissism no longer can protect their false dreamt-up reality using others as ‘narcissistic supply’)

My parents sandwiched me growing up with their V-spot BPD-NPD real-self dance when they inadvertently and advertenly activate each others’ false selfs and defense mechanism who are unable to procure true real romantic intimacy to support an authentic true-self loving household therefore inflicting role-reversal enmeshed narcissistic abuse onto their self-esteem identity/indivislity developing children.

https://www.verywellmind.com/understanding-romantic-bpd-relationships-425217

https://www.amazon.com/Malignant-Self-Love-Narcissism-Sam-Vaknin/dp/8023833847

https://openlibrary.org/books/OL7270096M/Search_For_The_Real_Self

Which is why hordes of internet schizoid-like Internet-type dudes are trying to resolve their fundamental core inability to expresss true genuine feelings of true intimacy with friends, relationships, others, etc. because of a ‘beta’ father and an ‘abusive’ mother in a dysfunctionla nuclesr family structure, if at all. And we live in an escapist dreamworld trying to live vicariously through Hollywood superheroes to imitate — or for the Asian community an idealized person to guide and relate to; the idealized Asian father figure to sooth and ameliorate our lack of identity, self-esteem development, and masculinity.

Luckily for me, my father was masculine so I have no problems standing on my own two feet with dudes of all backgrounds (hustlers, ex-cons, and blue-collar, nerds, etc.) but the romantic part is very difficult for me right now because of an emotionally toxic mother with no immediate female relatives to relate to as a child. This is why long-term insight-oriented psycho dynamic talk therapy is critical to address the identity issues and garner a stable self-image and develop healthy self-esteem building in a ‘safe-space’ private dedicated session with an if good objective psychoanalytic psychoanalyst/psychotherapist. But HMOs/insurance/self-pay don’t want to pay for this only to cheap out with superfiscal cognitive-behavioral “jussss change ur thoughts about the ordeal” approach, rather than bringing about unresolved unconscious intrapsychic conflicts from (early) childhoods that arrests our core identity development/self-esteem building (confidence) as individuals in this “I”-centered Westernsphere whereas conversely Confucianism culture of asserting direct confrontation of “I” or “you’re xyz” is vehemently disrespectful in the interpersonal culture of indirection.

...but Confucianism/Buddhism teaches us we must embrace suffering and self/sacrifice for a better successive generation tomorrow. Our immigrant parents bring this collectivism mindset but to navigate American life, we must assert ourselves as independent functioning individuals with self-stability and self-constancy of who we are. Simply said, the West values the individual irrespective of the family despite the aristocratic lineage rhetoric as Hollywood always admires a great rags-to-riches underdog movie. Whereas the Confucianism East desires to maintain peace, harmony, order and peaceful resistance of nonconfrontation.

However, the irony is that growing up in the Anglosphere we have to garner a dialetically diametrically opposed dualistic strategy of collectivist Confucianism at home and individualist identity in the non-Asian real-world. The village community doesn’t respect the individual because you’re deviating from the social norm and ingroup clique and their collectively shared self-esteem and group identity. Whereas the West cherishes the Johnny Appleseed wanderer, Lewis and Clark expeditions, the visionary dreamer for whatever xyz dreamt-up upotia. The East wants to maintain the Confucius scholar-beaurcrat hierarchy. Essentially, America’s narrative is to explore and find family and a sense of community as an individual leaving home, whereas the East wrt to China desires to maintain internal social stability our 5000 Han Chinese homogenous familial hierarchical family. And it is no mistake that the Asian-to-Asian connection is vehemently ingrained into our inner concious fabric through generations of solidarity until our ancestors lost out our internal familial peace where the Qing dynasty failed his people to the West/Japan with the Century of Humiliation.

Western religious history and narrative is one fraught with master-slave savior-savee god and his followers and competing interpretations of the biblical texts therefore causing seemingly intergenerationally perpetual Holy War conflicts, aggresive exploitation of religious enemies, and war to conquest others to occupy religious superiority and “englightrnment” to them through pillaging villages and indoctrinating the “superior” religion into others through newly erected religious institutions. ....Confucianism has none of that. Heck, Buddha respects his followers worshipping of other Gods. Though the other religions respect you for worshipping other Gods is of their own issue.

Additionally Confucianism culture teaches us to not seek for extraneous help for fear of looking weak (maintaining ‘perception amnagement’ just like we curate our happy social-media happy moment reel to manipulate a certain image in the shared 3rd digital/cyberspace dimensional realities) and keep family matters private as to not air-out dirty laundry in order to ‘save face’ and not being shame to the family name — as in defeat and loss of status. But the crux of the matter is that the family systems dynamic is vehemently unhealthy due to intergenerational trauma and familial tug-of-war narcissism, especially given that immigrant parents self-sacrifice to economically bust their butts but along cling onto their children for emotional security in this new foreign world as we try to forge our own narratives and identity. The more we grow to be American with individuality,the more it counteracts the intergenerational Confucianism familial planning in the name of maintaining the preservation the lineage successive dynastic ‘family name’. (Indians are in the extreme with arranged marriages) Luckily for me my parents despite their narcissism are open-minded cosmopolitan individuals and don’t mind me Americanizing and imposed any racial dating restrictions.

The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment https://www.amazon.com/dp/0787908703/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_rA1-AbZS1J063

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents https://www.amazon.com/dp/1626251703/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_dB1-AbVQXAZTN

Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers https://www.amazon.com/dp/1439129436/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_NB1-AbN0P827E

Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572245611/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_ND1-Ab94P47XX

Hi. I'm sorry that you're struggling so much, I know the struggle so well. I've been sabotaging my relationship for years because of very similar issues.

A clarifying question - are you old enough to see a psychologist/psychiatrist on your own? Or even just a doctor, for the time being for medication to help you?

The great news is this - you know there's a problem. Many people can't even see that enough to begin to get help, so you're a step ahead of the curve!

A reality check about your boyfriend - here's the deal. You love him, I'm assuming and he loves you. It's your responsibility to take care of yourself as it's his responsibility to take care of himself. What that means is if you tell him, and he doesn't feel up for the job and he leaves - that's not rejection. What it is, is him doing the best thing for both of you. I know it doesn't seem like it, but talking to him about it is going to do one of two things - 1. You'll have the support and patience from him and you two can work on getting better together. or 2. You'll know that you two are not a compatible match.

Either way, as it stands - your words seem to say that you feel unlovable the way you are (because you're afraid of him rejecting you), do you think you stand the chance at getting better if you always feel like you're hiding your real self from him? You're missing out on a very powerful opportunity - to learn that you're lovable with your perceived imperfections, whether that's from him or from someone else.

((hugs))

If you're not familiar with this website, it's very helpful: https://www.bpdcentral.com/

Don't worry about whether you "have" a personality disorder or not, focus on the behaviors and thoughts and how to improve them.

Some resources that may help you:

NonViolent Communication - Helping you learn how to know your needs, communicate them and to hear others, as well as communicating compassionately with yourself.

Here's a video about it.

Mind over Mood is an awesome workbook to help change the way we think.

I apologize in advance that I tend to go background then point instead of just straight to the point. Also this is going to be long with tangents because that's the only way I know how to speak. I don't write or think in a linear format.

Hmm. I'm typically the opposite but I no longer have friends (they all faded away). I spend half of my week with my SO and half at home where I live with my parents and pets. I work remotely. I'm almost 30. Also, bare in mind, I have anxious-preoccupied attachment, as I recently learned from the highly recommended book, Attached (Paperback Kindle ).

Warnings aside, I think I can still provide some insight into possibly what night be going on and in my personal experience as a person with an INFJ personality.

She might feel like she needs to invest a lot of time and energy into other people. Maybe that's where she gets her perceived or internal value from. We tend to try to resolve others' issues and keep peace or maintenance/harmony going. She may be externally focused on others to hide from things she doesn't like about herself or hasn't forgiven herself for. She may have a strong "I don't want to miss anything!" feeling/current need. If something means the most to me, I cope by avoiding it. (Eg replying to an important email) I feel like I need to give my subconscious time to process it before I can properly act.

I also have a need to look externally and see what others think and feel about something, anything, before I know my opinion. I feel the need to be "properly informed." Whether that means validation - I'm not crazy, its okay to feel this way or do that. Or, "okay, others think that way. Hmm, not exactly how I feel. That's interesting that I don't agree so now I know."

My thinking happens without me knowing it. I rarely know my thoughts. I am unable (as of yet) to speak my thoughts. I have to write or type them. And then, I don't know them until it's out there.

I am always amazed when someone notices that I'm feeling off. My SO picks up on it right away and is all "what's wrong!?" I don't know at that point or I don't want to get into it for whatever reason. I don't want to say something that comes out inaccurately and then it's a mess. I used to not know when I was stressed unless a friend told me.

I rehearse my thoughts until I can get the best wording. Misunderstandings are the bane of my existence. And if I could have prevented it? That's the worst.

We're prone to perfectionism, especially in ourselves. I have rarely lived up to my own standards but I've come a long way since I was a kid on this. If I disappoint someone or there's an inkling, I am in pieces internally.

We are very good at figuring out others (a good number of those in psychology and social work see INFJs) and are interested in figuring out ourselves but lack the ability to put things into words when it comes to our emotions.

Have you tried emailing her? I suggest that over chat so she has time to process and respond. I'ld be willing to read it over and recommend possible word adjustments if you'ld like. I've had plenty of practice taking what someone writes and turning it into what they might mean. No worries if not though.

I hope this helps! :) I know I branched out a lot. I apologize for that. I hope at least some of it was insightful.

As with any other relationship issue, the key here is honest, forthright communication. Talk to your partner, let her know how you feel, and see how she feels.

You said she has an exclusive sexual interest in you, and that may be the case, but I wouldn't count on it. That's one of those little white lies mono people tell each other but it's almost never true. Talk to her, and more importantly, work to create a safe space for both of you to express your feelings honestly without recrimination.

You are also faced with a pretty difficult choice, OP. You're 18. You have your whole life ahead of you and you don't have to commit to anything for the rest of it, not to your girlfriend, and not to any one relationship style. What I recommend is deciding what you want, and then asking for it. Do you want to be non-monogamous with or without her? Do you want to be non-monogamous but only if it doesn't mean you have to break up? Think about that ahead of having conversations with her so you know the answer when she asks.

There are three really good books you should read on the subject: The Ethical Slut, More Than Two, and Opening Up. TES is a great guide to the world of non-monogamy, and all the different ways you can do it, and how. More Than Two is a very practical handbook for poly relationships, and includes a wealth of information on how to maintain your own boundaries and respect your partners, and conduct your relationship ethically. Opening Up specifically focuses on the challenges of and skills necessary to open an existing relationship, and does not just focus on polyamory but also swinging and other forms of non-monogamy.

Best of luck to you and yours, OP!

Hey, congratulations on the promotion! You're going to be fine. Every manager started as a newbie once. I've moved out of senior leadership and now coach people moving into management for a living. Here is some advice I can give, in line with the other suggestions. There are 3 things you have to tackle in this scenario:

1. The integration of the new staff. You need to meet with the new person one-on-one, understand their challenges and help guide them. Your expectations need to be clear, and you will need to follow up with them to continue guiding them until they are up to speed.
   
   
2. The vocal person who is making inappropriate comments about the new person. You need to take her aside, hear her concerns, reflect back to her what she just said (this is important so she knows you listened) and then express your concerns: that a) you function together as a team and b) that if she is not happy with a single person's behaviour, she should first talk to the new person about it, constructively, and if that doesn't work, then she should come to you personally. And that she shouldn't bring it up in front of the group because that is not a constructive way to handle this.
   
   
3. You need to go back to the team as a whole (after the two above conversations) because they witnessed something and they need to know how you are addressing it. You need to discuss what happened in more general terms (don't breach any confidentiality / trust) along the lines that you feel that feedback is very important to the team members and to yourself, but that as a team we have to respect each other in how that feedback is delivered, so that it is constructive and supports the team's working together and performing together. Set your expectations that if there is a problem between anyone they to talk to the person concerned first, and they can come to you if that doesn't work. Get the team to discuss how they will do this, and come together with a "pact" around the feedback process between each other. Tell the whole team that you don't expect negative comments about anyone in front of the group; each member of the team has different strengths and the team will be at its best if those strengths are leveraged. Focus on the strengths, not all the weaknesses, as a team come up with a way to give each other feed back, then hold them accountable to it. The strongest teams have good feedback mechanisms between team-members baked into how they work.
   
   A couple books to read:
   
   (1) Difficult Conversations: How to discuss what matters most (Stone, Patton, Heen)
   
   (2) Mastering Leadership (Anderson, Adams)
   
   
   Here is an interesting TED talk - don't be perturbed by the title. He talks about key character habits of good managers / leaders, that can be learned and practiced.
   
   Hope that helps. Feel free to shoot any questions.
   
   

>I don’t regret having one, just extremely ashamed of being sexual and communicating it to girls and also showing it to the world. Attracting girls’ attention and whatnot isn’t very hard but progressing things to dating, holding hands and eventually sex is impossible. I can’t even call them or message them on Facebook or Whatsapp because I just feel like an idiot for doing so. Making a move in clubs and bars is also difficult although I once got close to leaving with a girl but she didn't want to. I got made fun of a lot growing up for not having a girlfriend and this made me feel like i do not deserve one. It doesn't matter if I've got the green light to go ahead I just feel really ashamed do it. Even something like looking at a fit girl wearing a short skirt makes me feel bad for checking her out and that I shouldn’t be doing it.


I know what you mean. I've been there myself, but even when I was there I was entirely self-aware of my shame and I was skeptical of the validity of my emotional reactions; I realized they were ingrained. Being aware of your emotional reactions allows you to be emotionally proactive. Your sex-negative problem is mostly an emotional issue, and not much else, right? I've been there. I wouldn't doubt that you are also decent looking and have both latent and actualized social skills. Most intelligent introverts have a lot of potential to be who they want to be because they know themselves more deeply than others. You must use your introverted nature to your advantage and recognize the differences in others and yourself. In all honesty, there are an infinite number of unwritten rules; everyone's abstract/emotional logic is different. Many of them are foundational and predictable, however; including yours and mine. Like anything else, being emotionally predictable is not a black/white issue. It is a grey area, and you have to balance your reliability with creativity.


Being made fun of for not having a girlfriend is just as sexist as being made fun of for not having a boyfriend; gender equal too. Were you ever shamed for not having a boyfriend? It's clearly a matter of groupthink and extroverted style; not for everyone. Dating relationships, for extroverts especially, are often attention-getting and showy. They wear their relationships like trophies won. Usually introverts prefer a more private relationship because they have less social desire and are often shamed because of it. Introverts are “themselves” more often in private. Extroverts are “themselves” more often in public. There is no shame deserved either way, regardless of popular opinion. Both styles have their strengths and weaknesses, and you should try to introject some of the traits that you enjoy in others; regardless of type. That is how you become balanced.


>I’m receiving counselling from a pastor who advocates the whole “no sex before marriage” thing and believes that people should only date to get married and sex is only for making kids which is stupid IMO because I do not plan on getting married anytime soon.


Counseling from a Catholic pastor? Watch out, that is one of the most notorious sex-negative societies out there. They own the abstinence-only charade while they parade horribles. Marriage is not the answer to anything; it is an institution of the state. Anything else attached is sentimental.


If you haven't already, I recommend doing an in-depth study of animal sexual behaviors; especially the most intelligent animals. All animals have sex for pleasure, but some animals are only driven to have sex at certain times of the year; humans are on a 24/7 system.


>I’ve tried the no fap route and gotten very high days counts but that hasn’t really helped me at all.


Sexual frustration doesn't help anyone. If you are mindful, then you can use your libido to further your goals, but it is not an all-cure.


>Got any sources to help overcome sex-negative perspectives? I’m interested in recreational sex not baby making sex.


Absolutely. I recommend starting with actual sex science and learning about male and female psychology and neurology. Then work your way into reading about sex culture. You should also study developmental psychology as you will probably need the clinical context in order to objectively self-evaluate your childhood influences; it is necessary for self-therapy. The best therapy will always be self-therapy; no one will ever know you better than yourself.


Evolutionary Science and Morals Philosophy:

The Selfish Gene

The Moral Landscape

The Better Angels of Our Nature: Why Violence Has Declined

Justice: What's The Right Thing To Do?


Sex Psychology, Science, and Neurology:

Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex

The Female Brain

The Male Brain

Why Men Want Sex and Women Need Love

What Do Women Want

Why Women Have Sex: Understanding Sexual Motivations from Adventure to Revenge (and Everything in Between)

Sex: The world's favorite pastime fully revealed


Behavioral Psychology and Abstract Economics:

How Pleasure Works

Freakonomics

Quiet: The Power of Introverts In A World That Can't Stop Talking

Thinking Fast And Slow

We Are All Weird


Developmental Psychology:

Nurture Shock

Hauntings: Dispelling The Ghosts That Run Our Lives


Empathy Building:


Half The Sky

The House On Mango Street

Me Before You

The Fault In Our Stars

Also check out James Hollis' Understanding The Psychology of Men lecture if you can find it.



Movies: XXY, Tom Boy, Dogtooth, Shame, Secretary, Nymphomaniac, Juno, Beautiful Creatures, and The Man From Earth.



All of these things are related, but it is up to you to make the connections; pick and choose which material suits your interests best. These are the things that came to mind first, and they have all influenced my perspectives.

Guy here. First off, I'm very sorry you are in the position that you are. It can be very challenging for a partner of someone who has such a large issue within themselves. And it's heartbreaking to hear how you speak of your wife while understanding she likely doesn't realize how deeply you feel for her.

I have to wonder if she doesn't have body dysmorphia. Given the things you've described here with how she is with regards to nudity with you and what would otherwise be a relatively non-issue with her dress, it would seem plausible that may be the case with your wife. Though I'm certainly no expert, so I could be very much speaking out of my ass so don't take that as much more than a guess.

Like has been mentioned therapy for her and for the both of you seems like the right approach. Also, like has been mentioned showering her with compliments could be interpreted both as a positive and a negative. So it may be wise to avoid that approach as a full bore method forward. It's also worth noting that while some of the things she says, like the comment as you left the room after the incident with her dress, likely isn't her so much as a defensive reaction. I know this will be much easier said than done, but try to not take those kinds of things personally. Instead it may be better to think and react based on why she would say that and respond from that position. To react almost as if you didn't hear the words she said, but the feeling she expressed such as shame and fear. But no matter what, communication is so critical particularly in difficult situations like this. Just remember to communicate how YOU feel and how what she did made YOU feel. When you own your feelings and you express them she won't react and respond from a position of defense. Given how she's been as you described, that sounds like a very dark place for things to go to.

I may be butchering writing out my thinking, but I'm hopeful that all makes sense. I read a book which I think could be helpful for you called Attached. It's about attachment types both for you and for your partner, as well as what behaviors can be exhibited and what causes them. The best way I can describe it is in conjunction with Love Languages. Love Languages give you the X and Y on who you are, what you like and dislike. Attached, at least for me, gave me the Z or depth to that. So not just who I am or what I like and dislike, but the why behind it. Why I reacted certain ways to certain situations. For me it was transformative. Suddenly the last 15 years of my love life made sense. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1585429139/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o04_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Regardless, I hope that your wife and in turn your marriage is able to find a healthier place of existing and that you can both become more connected and trusting of each other as the recent moments that have been a challenge for you both begin to be further and further behind you.

I read all of that. For your sake, I am going to get right to the point here.

You have the dating and relationship skills of a 12 year old. You idolize every woman you meet as a mother figure. This causes "One-itus". Go Google it now.

You have spent years learning English, IT, stuff about motorcycles, but I bet you have spent ZERO time learning about dating, self-improvement, and women.

Am I right?

I know I am, because you are describing exactly what I went through at your age. Disaster after disaster with women. A totally amazing Harley. Traveling and meeting women, only to break down like an idiot and scare them off.

The solution, that worked for me, was to read a lot of books and then go and date and MAKE MISTAKES and LEARN FROM THOSE MISTAKES and then try again and IMPROVE MYSELF.

These are the most helpful books I found.

1. Doc Love and his dating advice. You can read his syndicated articles here and after reading a ton of those, I strongly, strongly, strongly recommend you buy his "System" at his website. Yes, it's $100, and it is worth every penny. I will warn you - it is poorly written, poorly organized, and won't make a bit of sense to you when you first read it. That is because it is, basically, written in a foreign language to you. You need to just read it, then go out for a month, then read it again 30 days later. Upon reading it the SECOND time, every mistake you made will suddenly jump off the pages. This is because you have no experience with women, therefore of course it won't make any sense.
   
   
2. David DeAngelo and his Double Your Dating series. You can download this free right here but DON'T DO IT until after you have read the Doc Love stuff and understand it. Now, not all of his stuff is good, so you need to judge for yourself what stuff you think is viable, but all in all he helped me totally turn myself around.
   
   
3. No More Mr. Nice Guy. Amazon. Buy it, read it.
   
   
4. Way of the Superior Man Amazon. Another good read.
   
   If you can take a few hours to read all that, and then work on what you learn for a few months, you may end up like me. In six months my perspective on women radically changed and I learned how to be attractive to women, be HONEST, be a good person, how to have some standards, I didn't fall in love with any women who looked at me, and so forth.
   
   Those books also helped me with my career, and being honest, productive, and happy with my work.
   
   So, you wrote all that, and I posit to you that the answers are already written down in those (and many other) books.
   
   Keep us posted.

Pleasure to speak with you (both). I'm a 32M and bisexual myself. I have had to navigate this same obstacle course with my life-partner and believe me, you are going about it way better than I did. The trick to opening up a LTR is to be selfless at every turn, and in doing so, your personal wants usually get met. If you are both giving towards each other, and you both genuinely want the other to have every positive life experience you can possibly have, then your hearts are in the right place. Feeling a sense of joy that your love is getting to enjoy something wonderful, even if it doesn't involve you is known as compersion. It is kind of the opposite of jealousy. It is also an emotion you can learn to have. Example: If you guys do find the right woman to bring home, and the two ladies are going at it, husband can either tell himself "this is happening because I am inadequate" or, he can say "this is happening because I want my wife to be happy, and I am so adequate that I am able to give her this happiness". Feelings of jealousy that sneak into the situation can be labeled correctly as relics of your childhood conditioning. There is nothing that can't be unlearned, or relearned.

I highly recommend you get some reading done on the subject. My personal bible has been The Ethical Slut. This book will help you guys navigate the complicated waters of polyamory and open relationships. It will validate much of what you're already doing, and alert you to pitfalls that you probably haven't even considered.

As someone who has had more than one partner for about a year and a half now, I am amazed and overjoyed that life-partners can do this for one another. I don't want to oversell this lifestyle because it's not for everyone. But if it is for you, well then, congratu-fucking-lations. You're in for a treat. Many of them in fact ;-)

Honestly, a lot of these replies seem to be simplifying a very complex issue. Don't take that too personally, it's very easy to stand on the sideline and shout what seems obvious.


Open relationships aren't easy. It takes a ton of trust, mistakes, fixing those mistakes, baby steps, boundary pushing, etc. You've never done this before; he's been doing it for what sounds like a long time. Of course you're unsure and scared! Of course you have negative reactions along with some hesitant positive ones! That's totally fucking normal, miss. If you think this guy is worth it, and he's been completely honest and up front this whole time, I think it's worth a shot. He'll have to work with you and go slow and be patient, but if he thinks you're worth that effort, he will make it.


Read "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton, and check out "Opening Up as well. I've found both of those to be really helpful in giving reassurance, advice, and teaching new ways to think about your relationship and to communicate with your partner.


I've been in open relationships and exclusive ones, and I've been in closed relationships that opened up for the better and visa versa. There's really no sure outcome of this, but if you both think the other is worth expanding your worldview and trying new (scary, but also trust me it can be incredibly rewarding) ways of being in love and being together... it can turn out really well. Good luck whatever you end up deciding!

the animation field is very very competitive. and little by little, jobs are being cut out from the field. if you go for animation, you better have passion. without it, you may as well have no chance...

i wanted to be an animator ever since i was a kid, i love cartoons. animation is a wonderful medium.

Do you know who Richard Williams is? I hope you do. In his book, The Animator's Survival Kit, He talks about his journey into the world of animation. please read that section which is located in the very first pages of the book.

i watched your video SidMonqay, and i will tell you to forget about animating right now. No, i don't mean lose the passion to animate. What i mean is forget about the technical part, which is animation. First, learn how to draw. No, i don't mean learn how to draw cartoons, i mean really REALLY learn how to draw. Study classical drawing and painting...trust me...if you focus on this you will be able to draw ANYTHING:cartoons, anime, illustration, comics, etc. because this is the HARDEST and most DIFFICULT art there is. (Jason Manley from ConceptArt.org https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vh37Mtex67w) you don't have to 'master' it, but learn from it. once you know you are ready, you are ready for animation.


I am 22, and studying classical drawing at a studio in Chicago under a very great and talented artist who i call my mentor. he has connections to some of the biggest studios of animation out there, and knows A LOT of well known artists. He teaches classical drawing and painting but also works as a storyboard artists and is grateful to make a living as an artist. He told me he has plans to grow the studio into a small 'academy' where he and other artists will teach classical/digital/animation. I am so happy i found this place. it beats all the art colleges i have gone to.
I now go to the studio and study mechanical design technology at a community college(as a back up, if animation doesn't work out..)

I will introduce you to Bargue drawings(intro to classical training)
http://ricardopontes.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/34_plate_I_7_the_foot_of_the_gladiator.jpg

This book my mentor suggested me to read, which i did "Lessons in Classical Drawing: Essential Techniques from Inside the Atelier"
http://www.amazon.com/Lessons-Classical-Drawing-Essential-Techniques/dp/082300659X/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1409106710&sr=8-2&keywords=classical+atelier

This artist who has great drawing/painting demos DVDs which i learned a lot from (Robert Liberace)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nyC4sxFrr9w

An animation news website
http://www.cartoonbrew.com/

Calarts which is the best school(they say) for character animation
http://calarts.edu/

(but listen, you DO NOT need a degree for animation. you DO need a kick ass portfolio. and i mean it. kick ass...you get the job and recognition from your portfolio and skills, not the piece of paper.
I myself am not getting a degree in art or animation.)

here is my tumblr. i post my art there.
http://cigaretteclub.tumblr.com/

if anything SidMonqay, try art at a community college. it's cheaper than larger institutions. be careful of for-profit institutions and people that just want your money. that is where i messed up, and i lost all hope, until i found this studio. I highly recommend you go and find a studio or atelier and study drawing and painting there. there are also art workshops every year for illustration/animation/drawing/painting you can find each year around the U.S! like this one http://www.artconnectionacademy.com/SaturdayLectures.aspx

but, choose your own path! any questions, feel free to ask

[edit] of course! Richard Williams book on animation! http://www.amazon.com/The-Animators-Survival-Kit-Principles/dp/086547897X

You have have tried talking, but you probably aren't that skilled at talking (why would you be?).

I have a couple book recommendations that could change the way you think about your talks:

NVC is basically the gold standard introduction to productive communication between people including couples. It seems like you're both not being very nice or accepting of each other (how do you think it feels for your husband to be judged as a child by his wife for having different cleanliness preferences than you have?). This book may help you see the world from each others' perspectives:
https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Marshall-Rosenberg/dp/1892005034

Another books that's helpful for beginning to heal and reconnect is 5 Love Languages. It'll help you both get in touch with what's important to you and makes you feel good, and give your partner the insight into you that they'll need to be a good partner to you.
https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

The last one I'll recommend to you in particular is Bonds that Make us Free. It seems like neither of you have really been able to understand the others' perspective, or maybe even your own perspective about what you're each valuing. This book may help.
https://www.amazon.com/Bonds-that-Make-Free-Relationships/dp/1629722154

Good luck.

This is a repost of my comment on this reddit thread

Check out harry potter and the methods of rationality.

• A Brilliant fan-fiction about Harry potter, much darker and smarter. Both informative and entertaining.
  
  Read/Learn Non Violent Communication
  
  
• Language shape our thinking, this method is absolutely brilliant and will immediately improve understanding for oneself and other people. The book & [Youtube videos] (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dpk5Z7GIFs&list=PL16F02595B1BB9FA8)
  
  Start to [Meditate] (http://humanistsofmn.org/127-better-critical-thinking-through-meditation)
  
  
• Emotions and unconscious thoughts and belifs are many times very irrational. Meditation is greater for becoming more aware of them, which is the first step before critically evaluating them. Also many studies show a myriad of benefits such as: Increased happiness, better health, lower stress, increased IQ & EQ. And much more
  
  Philosophy - "love of wisdom"
  
  
• [Philosophy for Life and Other Dangerous Situations: Ancient Philosophy for Modern Problems] (http://www.amazon.com/Philosophy-Life-Other-Dangerous-Situations/dp/1608682293) , Is a great introduction to Philosophy. Very practical, will increase understanding of oneself and help in living a happy life.
  
  
• Or if you prefer video [Philosophy: Guide to Happiness] (http://topdocumentaryfilms.com/philosophy-guide-to-happiness/) , Is a great introduction to Philosophy. If you want it bite sized [School for life] (https://www.youtube.com/user/schooloflifechannel):s youtube channel is also very good.
  
  Read about rationality/critical thinking
  
  
• [Less wrong] (http://wiki.lesswrong.com/wiki/Sequences), [Audio] (https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1267969302/lesswrong-the-sequences-audiobook). Less Wrong is a community blog devoted to refining the art of human rationality. Video
  
  Learn about the common [cognitive biases] (http://www.businessinsider.com/cognitive-biases-2014-6?op=1) and [logical fallacies] (https://yourlogicalfallacyis.com/)
  
  
• [Thinking fast and slow] (http://www.amazon.com/Thinking-Fast-Slow-Daniel-Kahneman/dp/0374533555) Is a brilliant book by Nobel prize winner Daniel Kahneman which shows oh so many ways we are less smart than we think. podcast
  
  
  Create some rationality habits
  
  
• [Memorize the Rationality checklist] (http://rationality.org/checklist/). anki deck (anki is an app for memorizing facts)
  
  
• Center for applied rationality have workshops (mostly in the USA).
  
  Learn about the ways Marketing/propaganda is used to influence you
  
  
• [The century of the self] (http://topdocumentaryfilms.com/the-century-of-the-self/). This series is about how those in power have used Freud's theories to try and control the dangerous crowd in an age of mass democracy.
  
  
  The Trivium
  
  
• General Grammar, Aristotelian Logic, and Classical Rhetoric comprise the first three rules-based subjects of the 7 Liberal Arts and Sciences. As these disciplines are learned and practiced together, they form the overarching, symbiotic system for establishing clarity and consistency of personal thought called the Trivium.
  

Yes! /u/throwawaypolymom, if you do want to understand more about how this really works, books really are a great resource. You don't have to be interested in implementing it yourself to understand the philosophy behind it, and they're better organized and argued than just our personal reddit anecdotes. They may be challenging (reading them made me so uncomfortable at first, because I was being challenged on deep-seated assumptions I'd been raised with), but there are some really wonderful resources out there. The Ethical Slut is a great first one. Sex at Dawn is nice for a more sociological perspective. More Than Two and Opening Up are also excellent. And Ask Me About Polyamory! is wonderfully light and great for little bite-size snapshots of what poly life is truly like.

Lots of great recommendations in this thread; I've added a few to my reading list. Here are my suggestions (copied from a previous thread):

• How to Win Friends and Influence People - Everyone with a mother should practice this.
  
• Tao Te Ching (S. Mitchell translation)
  
• Basic Economics: A Common Sense Guide to the Economy - I never cared about economics until after I was done with school, and didn't remember anything from university class. This helped explain a lot of common fallacies many people make.
  
• Fooled by Randomness: The Hidden Role of Chance in Life and in the Markets - As Taleb says in the beginning of the book, anyone from any profession could have written this book, but a financial background makes this much more interesting. Anyone interested in science and what we can learn from the world of past experience should read this. This led to the next book:
  
• How to Live: A Life of Montaigne - A biography of Montaigne, a great skeptic, always curious, interested in what it means to be human. I found I could relate a great deal with the man, as many others have in different ways. The dust-jacket description made it sound like a boring historical overview, but I think the book flowed pretty well and was always interesting.
  
• The Visual Display of Quantitative Information - Anyone that ever creates a slideshow, or attempts to represent data visually should read this book. More than once. I'd say it changed my life.
  
  And, the following two are a look into the lives of two great men that lived in the 20th century; both offer many points worth emulating.
  
  
• Genius: The Life and Science of Richard Feynman
  
• The Trials of J. Robert Oppenheimer (once available in full on PBS website, seems not to be the case now ...)

The following resources helped me immensely:

1) Finding someone in-person

Go to psychologytoday.com -> Find a Therapist -> Enter your location -> Scroll down on the side until you see "Types of Therapy" and expand to see all the options -> Select "Motivational Interviewing" or "Coaching"

2) YouTuber Dan O'Connor (he offers online courses but also has tons of free YouTube content)

3) Books:

How to Win Friends and Influence People (Classic and helpful/condensed versions are great too)

Communicating Effectively For Dummies (the "For Dummies" series is straight forward and inexpensive)

4) Myers-Briggs Personality Test:

This can help you gain a sense of self and why you communicate a certain way vs. other personalities. I LOVED learning about this. It is incredible and so so helpful.

https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test (free version)

https://www.mbtionline.com/TaketheMBTI (official version/costs $50)

5) Communication Courses at a local college

Look to see what your local college offers! Business Communication, Psychology courses, and Sociology are all fantastic ways to learn!

These are the resources that helped me:

After Psychotherapy -- Blog run by a psychotherapist. I particularly like his theory that the source of all mental illness is hiding shame. Find your shame and accept it. I haven't found an instance that debunks this theory.

Why do I do that? -- Book written by the same author as the blog above. Again, his insights are very helpful. I really enjoyed this book to help me understand other people so I wouldn't get angry at them. My issue is abandonment, so when someone does something to trigger it I A) know it's just a trigger, and B) know it has nothing to do with me personally because of whatever issue that person has. I haven't read any of his other books, but I would guess they would be helpful, too.

Attached -- Details of attachment theory. I personally don't like attachment theory too much, but my boyfriend thought this book was wonderful and that it helped him understand things better. My psychiatrist gave him this book after I brought him in for a group session. A lot of people believe in attachment theory, so I'd recommend reading it.

Jungian Psychotherapy -- I believe in jungian psychotherapy instead of CBT. How I view it, psychotherapy uncovers and heals your hidden shame, while CBT helps you to better cover it up. If you have serious problems, I just don't think CBT is going to work.

Now, the rest are more about borderline personality disorder, which I believe I have. If you have emotions that you feel just aren't regulated and keep bursting out, then you will likely benefit from looking at BPD resources.

Understanding the Borderline Mother -- This book changed my life. I got the book because of my mother, and after reading this realized I have BPD, too. I'm the hermit, based on her classification, and I'm even dating a huntsman! I had to keep putting it down as it blew my mind and made my world, my family, my past make so much more sense.

Putting the Pieces Together -- The author's account of working through recovery, what helped her along with details of BPD itself.

Books authored by Marsha M. Linehan -- She has BPD herself and is a psychiatrist, so she has intimate understanding in what the problems are and how to best fix them. She invented DBT.

The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook -- DBT is a type of therapy that focuses on emotion regulation skills. I actually haven't read this book -- I started doing so well, working on my mental health got lowered in priority. But, it's well recommended and could be very helpful.

I was in therapy on and off for 14 years. It wasn't until I started doing my own research into psychology and read all of the above that I finally started making huge strides in progress. I'm now pretty stable.

The body tries to protect itself by hiding things even from you. It make take awhile to widdle down those defenses so that you can self analyse thoroughly enough. Reread things and you may find you'll find "new" stuff.

It's a lot of work, but well worth it.

Yes and no, though for me it’s more social anxiety than shyness.

Yes, because we live in a society that values extroversion, and we’re made to feel guilty for not fitting that mold. There have been times I’ve wished (albeit briefly) that I was more extroverted because it seems like life would be so much easier.

However, I try to remind myself that my introversion is deeply connected to personal qualities of which I’m proud: thoughtfulness, deep-thinking, being a good listener, etc. Life might be easier as an extrovert, but being an introvert isn’t something to be ashamed of (though I’ll admit that it’s taken me time to realize that). I know it sounds cheesy, but there’s a book called “The Introvert Advantage” by Marti Olsen Laney that helped me feel less guilty/ashamed and more proud of qualities that our pro-extrovert society doesn’t necessarily appreciate. I’d recommend checking it out. It may also help you articulate some of the things you’ve struggled to explain to your friends. It made a huge difference when my very extroverted mother read it - she told me she finally understood some of the things I did that had baffled her or that she had completely misinterpreted.

Please try not to hate your shyness or introversion. There are always going to be some people who will judge you for not being extroverted, but you know what? Screw them. If they aren’t willing to make an effort to see what lies beneath the surface, it’s their loss.

​

Edit: I just looked back at my copy of "The Introvert Advantage" (I really do hate that title, but it IS a good book), and there are a few bits the author wrote on shyness that you might find interesting (bold emphasis is mine):

[Introverts] are people who need private space to refuel, who do not gain their primary energy from external activities, and who usually need time to reflect and think before they speak. In this chapter I will discuss what they are not. They are not scaredy cats, shrinking violets, or self-absorbed loners. Nor are they necessarily shy or antisocial. As a society we don’t see introverts accurately because we are looking at them through a lens of incorrect assumptions. Most introverts don’t understand their own temperament because they have grown up with their own misconceptions about introversion.

Also:

Shyness is social anxiety, an extreme self-consciousness when one is around people. It may have some genetic roots (in the form of a highly reactive fear center), but it is usually learned from experiences at school, with friends, and in families. For some, it comes and goes at various ages and in certain situations. Shy people may feel uncomfortable with one-on-one conversations or in group situations. It is not an issue of energy; it is a lack of confidence in social situations. ....Shyness is not who you are (like introversion), it is what you think other people think you are, and therefore it is responsive to behavior change.

​

So perhaps a big part of the problem is that we've come to accept the fact that terms like "shy" are foisted upon us, and that doesn't help the situation. The author mentions some books that may help you feel more confidence in certain social situations. Since I haven't personally read any of them, I hesitate to recommend specific books. I would first read "The Introvert Advantage." I think that just feeling more comfortable understanding and accepting why we are the way we are can make a big difference in feeling more confident in certain social situations.

You know how people say you should only try to quit smoking or lose weight if it's something you want to do for yourself, otherwise it won't take? Sure, you might be able to cut back for a while or drop a few pounds, until that super stressful day or holiday buffet comes along.

The reason "they" say that is simple: eventually, if your heart wasn't in it to begin with, you'll find a reason to go back to your old habits.

I'm all for broadening one's horizons and exploring new sides of yourself - and I firmly believe that not everyone who thinks they couldn't do it is right. However, "trying out" polyamory with so many barriers in your way from the start could be seriously harmful to your current relationship, future relationships, and your core self.

There absolutely ARE ways to "get over" almost all of that, but it is a long, arduous, often painful process. And the best way to start is with wanting to change - or at least explore the possibility of changing - those things about yourself which would prevent polyamory from being a positive influence on your life: possessive jealousy, competition, viewing love as a pie chart, potentially codependence, and any others not listed in your OP.

/u/alc6379 is correct: "Only problem with trying polyamory first is there's so much at stake..." IMO, you have to be not just curious what all the hoopla's about, you need to be honestly wanting to seek out polyamory for its own merits in your life, which means you have to think it has merit for you.

It's totally possible to go from "I could never do that" to "This is amazing, even if it isn't how I originally thought things would go", but that won't happen just because other people have made it work for them. Poly - like monogamy - isn't for everyone, and that's ok.

I would recommend picking up a few published books as primers and see how you feel after reading them: The Ethical Slut, Open, and Opening Up are some of the key introductory references most people crack open first.

Whatever you guys choose, I wish you the best of luck!

This isn't really related to travel, but good job getting a few weeks sober! You might be interested in a book called Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. I found it incredibly helpful to develop a vocabulary of needs and to understand how those relate to ways I feel, like sad, despondent, excited, optimistic, and everything in between.

I also think it provides a good framework for understanding my own values, and allowed me to take responsibility for my own life. It was helpful to understand that I am responsible for my own happiness, and that I am the only one who can give power over my happiness to someone else (like an ex, a boss, parent, or anyone else who you think is bringing you down.)

I was not paid to write this :) , but sharing something that I think might be of value in the long term. It is good to practice some self-empathy. You will always have ups and downs, but here's to hoping you can be kind to yourself.

Take a genuine interest in the people you are talking to. Remember, it is (in most cases) easier to get people to talk about themselves. So if you help guide by asking questions about them and taking a real interest in them it will start to come naturally.

While you talk to them, make sure you listen. When they are talking, you should not be thinking about the next thing you are going to say as that will surely lead to a dead conversation. If you are busy thinking about what to say next, you are not going to hear what they say and it will be obvious. So make sure you listen and comment back on the topic. It helps the conversation continue and shows that you are interested in what is being talked about. If you are constantly changing subjects people tend to think you are not that interested.

There is a good book by Dale Carnegie called How to Win Friends and Influence People. There are many good tips and pointers in there.

Another good tip, work on remembering names. People like to hear their own name and using it is a powerful tool. This works great in sales and for guys, ladies simply love it. Especially when you meet them once briefly and the next time you see them you remember and use their name. It shows you are thoughtful and ladies like thoughtful men.

It's important to respect boundaries and this is definitely an important conversation, but I want to share some advice for you here, too.

My little guy is 2.5 now and if there's a theme that's arisen for me as a parent, it is all about letting go. From the moment he left the womb, being a mother has been one long act of stretching out the umbilical cord, further and further every day, an inch at a time. Control is an illusion and it does not help your child to grow. So part of my message to you is this: there's some wisdom in what your husband is saying. The past can't be changed; we can literally only accept it and move on, or get angry about it and get stuck.

That being said, setting clear expectations with family members early on is important and this is a fantastic opportunity to start that conversation. My MIL insisted on taking pictures of me post c-section in my pink nightgown no make up etc after I'd repeatedly asked her not to. Video even. I put my foot down and insisted she delete all of it because there was a respect issue there. But I did it with as much love as I could muster and I didn't make threats about not seeing the baby etc. I see some posts here suggesting that sort of thing and honestly I feel that's a little misguided. There's a way to have this conversation that doesn't end with people not talking to each other and you and/or your child losing out on a good relationship with the in-laws.

There's a great book called Crucial Conversations that talks about how to do that effectively.

https://www.amazon.ca/gp/aw/d/0071771328/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1480070269&sr=1-1&pi=SY200_QL40&keywords=crucial+conversations&dpPl=1&dpID=51W9DU9pFuL&ref=plSrch

Hope that helps :)

Psychology (studied, but never practiced)

Here are a selection of interesting books:

• Predictably Irrational by Dan Ariely. Easy introduction into behavioural psychology and decision making. I am pretty sure Dan did an AMA relatively recently. He's a champ.
  
  
• Quiet - The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain. This is a great book for those of us whose tendency is to listen more than talk.
  
  
• Tell Me I'm Here: One Family's Experience of Schizophrenia by Ann Deveson. Ann is a very well respected journalist in Australia. Her description of raising her son who had schizophrenia is well worth reading.
  
  
• Look Me in the Eye: My Life with Asperger's by John Elder Robinson - lesser-known brother of Augusten Burroughs. I did my research on higher-functioning Autism including Asperger's. This is a great memoir, and wonderful description of growing up different'.
  
  
• First Person Plural: My Life as a Multiple by Dr Cameron West. Whether you are dismissive of the validity of Dissociative Identiy Disorder or think it is a genuine condition, I read this many years ago, and found it compelling.

:-) Please please please please read this amazing book I just read: Loving Bravely by Solomon

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Bravely-Twenty-Lessons-Self-Discovery/dp/1626255814

I can relate to a few things you talked about, and I think this book will be really enlightening for you. It totally changed the way I look at love and relationships...and I've read a ton of self help books on the subject.

Also, I will be reading Attached by Levine and Heller soon, so I can't vouch for it yet but it sounds really good.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1585429139/ref=pd_aw_fbt_14_img_2?ie=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=RFSRGW1TF3Q83SJY4Z6K

You may have some "attachment items" you may want to consider and reflect on that may give you insight into your relationship patterns. This book would probably help a lot with that. Hope this helps! :-)


Also, nothing has helped me sort through my romantic relationship issues more than exploring my personality type through the enneagram. Check out

Super comprehensive book on all the 9 personality "types":
https://www.amazon.com/Complete-Enneagram-Paths-Greater-Self-Knowledge/dp/1938314549


More of an easy read:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0062510266/ref=pd_aw_fbt_14_img_2?ie=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=F0M8XBW924976HC0FJ9A



Easy read, and relates to enneagram + relationships:

https://www.amazon.com/Are-You-Type-Yours-Relationships/dp/006251248X

>Is there any must know scrum master tips that a newbie should know.

Scrum's primary job is to highlight where your problems are. if things are painful, figure out how to fix them WITHIN the scrum framework. it's trying to teach you and your team things about workflow, process, etc. the things you encounter that make things harder within the framework need to be fixed within the framework.

Your job as a Scrum Master is somewhat fluid. you're part project manager, part process engineer, and part team manager. If work isn't moving, grease the wheels and help it move. if stuff is moving to fast, help people hit the brakes.

> Is there anything about agile you wish you knew when you started with it?

Start practicing Systems level thinking. your team is not in a vacuum. everything they do effects someone else. make sure you aren't making things harder for someone else.

I wish I had started reading sooner. if you don't have a lot of time to read: Audio books. use your commute to improve your skills.

Absorb as much information as you can. Scrum is not a silver bullet. it also doesn't do work for you. it only highlights where you need to focus. the rest is on you, so read and study. Scrum and Agile are about fostering a habit of continuous and relentless improvement. you should put this to practice on yourself as well. it's the one thing I wish I had started sooner.

If your company allows it, attend the local agile conferences. these are GREAT for newbies. they cover a lot of good information. one thing you want to do is start collecting stories about different implementations. there are hundreds of successful ones and the one that works best for your team will likely be a combination of those. the more stories you have to draw from, the greater your options for success. start collecting.


Recommended reading:
Phoenix Project: https://www.amazon.com/Phoenix-Project-DevOps-Helping-Business/dp/0988262509
Crucial Conversations: https://www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conversations-Talking-Stakes-Second/dp/0071771328/
Lean from the Trenches: https://www.amazon.com/Lean-Trenches-Managing-Large-Scale-Projects/dp/1934356859/
The Toyota Way to Lean Leadership: https://www.amazon.com/Toyota-Way-Lean-Leadership-Development/dp/0071780785/
When you're ready for something more advanced:
Tribal Leadership: https://www.amazon.com/Tribal-Leadership-Leveraging-Thriving-Organization/dp/0061251321/
Toyota Production System: https://www.amazon.com/Toyota-Production-System-Beyond-Large-Scale/dp/0915299143/
Lean Software Development: https://www.amazon.com/Lean-Software-Development-Agile-Toolkit/dp/0321150783/
Note: This last book is 'advanced' mostly because of price. It's worth it.

Poppendieck's bookshelf is also a good place to start. I'd set a goal to try to read every book on this list in the next 2 or 3 years. most of the books i've listed are also on their bookshelf.

http://www.poppendieck.com/reference.htm

You could do with losing a little weight, I think the problem is you don't carry it with confidence. Sounds idiotic but most girls don't care about a guys weight if he is a charmer. To improve your confidence shift a few pounds, do it for you not for the bullies. http://www.diabetes.co.uk/diet-basics.html

You're pretty average looking, which is a good thing, its better to look average than look like a monster. You can improve with confidence and a little styling. Try getting some hair product and play around with your hair a little at the moment it looks a little flat.

A combination of /r/seduction, /r/dating_advice and /r/relationship_advice could help with your approach to women. I also recommend this book its not a dating books its effectively a profiling guide and it goes through the steps for reading body language really well.

"How to Win Friends & Influence People" by Dale Carnegie is a book that is decades old, but still useful. It's probably the most famous book of its type ("how to talk to people"). Literally over a dozen million copies have been sold. Check out some of the reviews on Amazon.

"How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships" by Leil Lowndes is also a great book. I have read part of this book before and it offers extremely useful tips. It's also easy to read as the author provides great anecdotes to explain the tips and to help you easily recall them. This one is more recent than Carnegie's book, which was published in 1936. I believe this book would be a better read because our society/culture is a little different from what it used to be back in 1936. Still, some claim that there are timeless pieces of advice in Carnegie's book, which is true but if you're only getting one, I'd get this second book instead.

Source: Current storyboard artist, former animator. I also used to teach animation to kids 5-15.

Here's what I would do if I were you. Buy a bunch of blank flipbooks, a 9x12" sketchbook, and this book, Animator's Survival Kit by Richard Williams: http://www.amazon.com/Animators-Survival-Kit-Principles-Classical/dp/086547897X/ref=tmm_pap_title_0?_encoding=UTF8&sr=&qid=

Every time it mentions an exercise (such as a bouncing ball), do the exercise. Make the bouncing ball a basketball, a character's head, whatever will make it fun for you.

Also, practice drawing a LOT. Go to life drawing classes. Draw buildings and trees. Draw objects and hands holding objects. Pay attention to form, but also light. Practice drawing your favorite animated characters, but after you've copied a few poses, make sure you're picturing them in 3D and paying attention to proportions. Try to draw them in a pose you've never seen them in.

I've noticed a lot of high schoolers in particular worried about drawing/animation style—which style is correct, which should they draw in, how do they develop their own style. Don't worry about this, your own drawing style will come out naturally as you draw more and more the way you like. It's not terrible to try to imitate Disney, Miyazaki, or anyone else, but it's also not terrible to just do things your way. Try everything. Your style will come out based on how you LIKE to draw.

After you're comfortable with flipbooks and what they call "straight-ahead animation," you'll be ready (and dying to) get an animation peg bar, hole punch, and a light table. Or you can skip this and go to the computer if you want. I think it's important not to start out on the computer, though, as it will make you think like a computer (solid shapes, motion in straight lines) and it will be tougher to learn to animate organically. You'll have put yourself on a path to being a great motion-graphics-designer, but a tough path for an animator.

Don't worry about sound yet. In a real studio you wouldn't be recording the sound anyway. Once you feel comfortable animating and ready to get into characters talking, take a few lines from a movie and animate different characters over it.

PM me if you want more details or have questions about any of it.

I had that happen as well, though I didn't realize it as much at the time.

First, since you asked, some books:

Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

Toxic Parents

Why Does He Do That?(still applicable if you change genders)

If you're able to move away, you should. You need to get as much distance as you can to build your own life and personality. I think I took five years before I started becoming the person I am now, and I'm still a ways to go in building my self-esteem.

If you can't move, like u/LuluThePanda said, you should still start doing daily affirmation habits. Little steps matter, even as little as saying "why yes, I do look pretty awesome today." You need to start "faking it until you make it" - it won't come naturally at first, but the more you do it, the better it will feel, and the more it will feel like it's really you.

Also, you may want to stop telling your mother about successes you have. It's your call, but I found that my mother didn't actually have any interest in my doing well, more that I could act as her council when called on. That and she doesn't understand what success means in my field. I stopped talking about any luck I had/goals I reached, and it helped me stay calm more often.

Good luck, and stay strong! You're doing great!

edit: formatting

So you're saying there's still a chance!

Honestly though, the way you're describing her shows that you're probably still in love. That's cool and all but perhaps look at how great you are. What special skills do you have? How did you get there? It was probably due to practice, lots of it. Socializing I found is the same, if I wanted to focus in it, I can be social, but generally I'm not and I'm fine with that. I have other abilities that enjoy using to make life fun (in my case it's programming), and truly enjoy helping others.

Check out this book that really helped me on my journey: https://www.amazon.com/Intimate-Connections-David-D-Burns/dp/0451148452/ref=sr_1_fkmr1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1536795998&sr=8-1-fkmr1&keywords=dr+david+burns+intimate+connection

It's an oldie but a very goodie. Good luck brother!

Fair, and to some extent, necessary. I agree with you. Interviewing, you don't necessarily need to be charming, just well prepared. Job interviews are formulaic, and it's not hard to look up common interview questions and prepare for them.

One thing to suggest; confidence. While confidence won't stop social awkwardness, it can help cover for it.

So how did I gradually build greater confidence?

One way was comptent Therapy. This helped a lot.

The other is maintaining the illusion of confidence. Take a page from the NT playbook, and lie through body language.

So what does a confident person look like? Well, there are a number of different types of body language for this, but I usually fall back to "the drill sergeant" as I call it. Back mostly straight, neck straight, eyes forward, feet pointed forward, about a shoulders length apart, knees slightly bent, hands tucked into the "small"of my back (just above the pelvic bone), shoulders rolled slightly back. You can thrust your hips forward as well, slightly.

[Example from behind.] (http://image.slidesharecdn.com/decodingbodylanguage-140917110453-phpapp02/95/decoding-body-language-82-638.jpg?cb=1415932101)

Example from front.

This exposes your belly, while clasping your hands behind your back shows you're not afraid of a frontal attack. It is a common stance for reflecting confidence. If it works for you, practice it, master it, and feel the confidence.

[This is a great resource for learning the how's and why's of certain kinds of body language.] (https://www.amazon.com/Definitive-Book-Body-Language-Expressions/dp/0553804723?SubscriptionId=AKIAILSHYYTFIVPWUY6Q&tag=duckduckgo-d-20&linkCode=xm2&camp=2025&creative=165953&creativeASIN=0553804723) I recommend it, though there are plenty of other great books about body language.

As you realize becoming great at social skills is just like training any other skill. Realizing you can train it will allow you to build the skill stronger than others who stumble into it. So many will say you can't get better or amazing by reading in a chair. They're right. Read a little, apply a lot, take notes, then review what you did right and what you did wrong, repeat. Get a mentor or training buddy if you can, it accelerates learning, because we can't see ourselves the same as those outside us can. Make a regimen to go out, greet and meet people every day. Or at least three times a week minimum, make it a habit.

I can tell you that I've been in customer service and sales jobs, they taught me nothing because my skills were garbage and sub-par. So I didn't have a paddle for my raft in the world of social interaction. All I got was "people get irritated if I cold approach or try to sell them. Or worse I have to dump mountains of information to make them feel safe." So after studying for the better part of a decade, here's some points that got me to the basics and more advanced subjects. With the basics under your belt, then a job or daily practice will get you understanding and results.

First, learn how to steady yourself mentally, breathing exercise here. Breathing is important as we seem to be learning your heart rate and beat pattern determine more about our emotions than we'd like to admit.

Second, Accept and love yourself, (both those terms may be undefined or wishy-washy to you at the moment, defining them is part of the journey.) Because you can only accept and love others the way you apply it to yourself first.

Third, pick up and read the charisma myth. It has habits/meditations that will be a practice you use every day. I'd say a basic understanding will happen after applying them over three months. Never stop practicing these basics, they are your fundamentals. They determine your body language. The difference between a romantic gaze and a creepy stare is context of the meeting and body language, especially in the eyes.

Sales or cold approach networking will do the same for practice. If you do sales or meeting new people, it is a negotiation. You're trying to trade "value" (safety + an emotion). So if you figure out how to make yourself feel emotion, then inspire emotion in others, mutual agreements happen. Start with Why is a good reference. Here is a summary video. Chris Voss will help you find out that you don't tap into people rationally, you tap people emotionally, big think summary video. Or the full book treatment, Never Split the Difference. The supporting book for Chris Voss' position can be helped by reading Start With No

For training habits and understanding how we execute behaviors, Thinking, Fast and Slow

For dealing with hard arguments and heavy topics both Nonviolent Communication and Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

Learning what listening is, instead of "hearing" people. Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone is a good book for that. This is touched on in Never Split the Difference and in the Charisma Myth because true listening, making the person you are speaking with feel "listened to and understood" is most of what makes a charismatic person work.

I'm pretty new to poly and am the lurker mentioned in one of the other comments =D.

I'd encountered people with a poly lifestyle in the past, but had never considered it to be appealing until just recently. I spent the past few months figuring out my jealousy triggers and working through my baggage. A switch flipped in my head while reading The Ethical Slut and I'm suddenly pretty open to possibilities.

I'm pretty sure I've always repressed my feelings/flirting/desires around other people than my relationship partner before out of a sense that this was expected of me as a show of faithfulness. I never allowed myself to consider additional relationships before so there's a feeling of liberation that comes with my personal epiphany.

I'm an IT professional currently working as a support analyst at a software company. I consider myself to be pretty smart, but I really enjoy being surrounded by coworkers smarter than myself. It gives me a refreshing challenge.

My main subreddits at the moment include /r/cigars, /r/guns, /r/sysadmin, and /r/polyamory.

I occasionally look silly, stylish, taller than I am, skeptical, or out of my era.

I haven't decided what I'm looking for in new partners yet really, but I'm comfortable with that for the moment.

Good to meet you all.

edit: Admittedly, I forgot the "where" too. Alberta, Canada.

Here are the philosophies and practices that have been most useful to me in both battling my own demons and fostering good communication in relationships. For an ESTJ to make this work, you're going to have to approach this from a Te point of view - even as an ENFJ, I have to let go of my instinct to view each interpersonal situation on a case-by-case basis, and instead force myself to put into practice the ideas and principles from these teachings. We have to build the framework - what is true for all humans? - before we can understand the nuances of individuals. I find that analyzing and studying human behavior and interaction - and personal self-discovery - from an objective, almost scientific point of view gives me the space and detachment to notice (and enjoy) these nuances more.

The following strategies and resources are those that have proven particularly useful to me. I hope they will prove useful to you as well. I think it's helpful to approach them like an academic subject - take notes, analyze and dig deeper, look for related resources. Take your time on it and approach it like a continuing education process.

Self-work:

• The Power of Vulnerability and other work by Brene Brown
  
• Stoicism
  
• Radical Honesty
  
• Exposure and Habituation (this is specifically focused on overcoming anxiety, but is very useful for confronting/dealing with anything you avoid for fear of negative emotions)
  
  Communication:
  
  
• Active listening
  
• Non-violent communication
  
• General tips
  
  Relationships:
  
  (note: These sources are mainly directed at polyamorous people but are super relevant for all relationships - romantic, platonic, or otherwise. It makes sense: people who commit to multiple romantic relationships, by necessity, gravitate toward learning and developing strategies that maintain healthy communication and emotional stability. The more people involved, the harder it is to "hide" emotional/relationship issues)
  
  
• More Than Two
  
• Multiamory podcast (scroll for interesting/relevant topics)
  
• Poly Weekly podcast (ditto)
  
  Btw the most emotionally mature person I know - at least in terms of communication and self-development - is an INTP, so don't let being an inferior Feeler hold you back. If anything, it can be an asset, because you don't have to "un-learn" as many erroneous or situational beliefs and values that us dom Feelers have been collecting since childhood.
  
  Also, feel free to PM me at any point with specific questions, and I'll do my best to help. :)

I love this! Thank you so much for working on this project!

Here are my suggestions please add what you feel is appropriate :)

FICTION
A Door Near Here by Heather Quarles. - it's about a family with an alcoholic mother from the children's point of view. As an ACOA (adult child of an alcoholic) it's quite realistic as far as the mother's behavior.

A Wrinkle in Time - includes father/daughter relationships, sibling relationships and self esteem.

Push Inspiration for the movie Precious. I love this book but it is a tough one to read.

NON FICTION:

Hospice related: Final Gifts I also recommend this one to families of a dying loved one

My Mother Myself mother daughter relationships

Will I Ever be Good Enough. Another book about mother-daughter relationships but focuses on dealing with mothers with narcissistic behaviors.

Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayad

The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

Hyperbole and a Half Funny as fuck and talks about depression.

I do have a list of caregiver books that I give to loved ones of someone on hospice. I'm too lazy to look it up right now lol but if there's interest let me know and I'll post it.

Also, is there any interest in a social work related podcasts wiki? I know quite a few that deal with issues we work with such as alcoholism, addiction, recovery etc.

This will get buried and might not directly apply, but I feel it's worth noting:

I work in a high octane industry that is very dependent on interpersonal communication both with clients and coworkers. I'm also married, run a separate start up, and volunteer a lot so I spend a lot of time communicating.

Check this book out: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0071771328/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1459120866&sr=8-1&pi=SY200_QL40&keywords=crucial+conversations&dpPl=1&dpID=51aefLfnGUL&ref=plSrch

Only one or two other books have had more of an impact on my professional and personal life. And this one is by far the most helpful with communication.

I understand you are looking for a way to not get angry, and I sincerely believe it starts at the beginning of the interaction. Have the right mentality from the start. That book will help tremendously.

A few other quick tips:

1. Why are you interacting with these people?
   a. If they are friends...ditch them. They aren't friends.
   b. If it's necessary for work or something similar...keep reading.
   
   
2. Seek to understand first, then be understood
   -people can be frustrating...but you can only control you. So listen first...then explain. You might be surprised at how they react. Again, I don't know the exact reason for the interactions...but this is always a good mentaility to have.
   
   
3. In every interpersonal situation...knowledge is shared. You have your own knowledge about a given situation, and so does the other person. Try to remind yourself that the purpose of the interaction is to share knowledge and find the best course of action. If they are angry, twist your words, or ignore you...polietly exit the conversation. It's not worth having because they are just trying to stir things up.
   
   
4. Don't try to win an argument. It will never go well. Try to share knowledge and accept knowledge. Chances are the best thing in any given situation is a mix of different people's opinions.
   
   Lastly, I want you to know these steps aren't probably perfect for your situation. What I know, is that if you can change how you see interpersonal communication from the start of a conversation...your attitude will change too. I was in the exact same boat before as you are now.
   
   Good luck friend!

Here are some of my favorites, classics and modern:

The Slight Edge, by Jeff Olson. We know we need to eat right, exercise, work hard, etc., but why don't we? The Slight Edge is a great look at the way we go about setting our habits, living in a hyper-paced world that expects/demands immediate results. It's quick, and powerful.

How to Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie. A classic, but well-deserving, and has stood the test of time. Become accepting of people by improving your self and your interpersonal interactions. True story, bro.

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, by Stephen Covey. From dependence, to independence, to interdependence!

True North, by Bill George. More a leadership development book, but good to look at in terms of the timeline of developing yourself in life before you're 50 and are disappointed at yourself. Very good, not as great as my first three recommendations, but I got some good lessons out of it.

Godspeed, autodidact.

I know that self-help books are hit or miss, at best, but I’ve been going through my own relationship struggles. While reading about attachment styles & boundary creation here on Reddit, the list below are some of the books (on Amazon) that kept popping up in Reddit discussions. Haven’t read them yet, but I did order them, & they’re supposedly arriving today - I can update w/ my thoughts & feedback, if anyone is interested.

Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, 20th Anniversary Edition

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0805087001/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_7gE4BbB2R5DZY



Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585429139/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_giE4BbJ3RKFRN




Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553386395/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_VhE4BbQ84219T


Another name that I’ve seen referenced a bunch here on Reddit is Mark Manson - he has a ”Guide to Strong Boundaries,” which I’ve also included a link to below

https://www.google.com/amp/s/markmanson.net/boundaries/amp

Mark Manson is famous for this book, amongst others

*The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life**

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062457713/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_mrE4BbHBCFCS6


Dunno if this may help, but I do know that learning about one’s own attachment style, love language, etc can at least be a great start to a better relationship with yourself. As for the relationship with one’s partner? Boundaries! Boundaries are crucial.

...man, do I suck at boundaries!

You have gotten a lot of great responses and I don’t have much advice to add, but maybe some encouragement.

As others have suggested, both of the books “How to Help your Spouse...” by MacDonald and “Not Just Friends” by Glass are very helpful in helping both the BS and WS understand some of the dynamics of an extramarital relationship, but IMO they both fall short in helping us to understand how in the hell the people we love the most could make such baffling decisions without regarding or even understanding the damage that would come from those choices.

In order to really understand the “why” for us we needed to understand our own history and how we developed our adult attachment systems and conflict management strategies. Our MC made some great recommendations that helped us get there:

Attached by Levine

And

“Hold Me Tight” by Johnson

These both went beyond just the affair and helped us understand how our dynamic over the course of our relationship contributed to the state of relationship at the time. They helped us get to the real “why”, which was much deeper than “I liked the attention” or “I felt isolated”. Those were part of it for sure, but it was really much deeper.

HMU in chat or PM if you’d like more details about our process, I’d rather not get too specific in public comments.

I wish you peace on this terrible journey.

It seems that you're caught at the asking out part. The abandonment fear can persist within a relationship as well.

The asking out/anxious part goes better when you get acclimated to rejection. I know some guys practice this by deliberately seeking rejection ie asking women they think they'd enjoy going out with, but are 100% certain the answer will be no. One of my friends said it actually threw him off and upset him that a few women he asked said yes to a date, when he was seeking rejection. But really it was kind of flattering. After that he practiced with women he liked a little, and later to ones he was really interested. By practicing with getting rejection you also learn to handle it gracefully if it is someone you like.

Another thing to be aware of is the magnification issue. You're not thinking about dating and getting to know someone. You're looking for The One. That's going to put a shitload of stress on you. Get to know them first. You're going on one date, not marrying them.

Even if lust tells you that this is the person you want to spend your life with, take a step back. You really won't know if you really want to be with this person till you have known them for several months, and even then it's a crapshoot. You may have different life goals and values. One person may want a child, and the other is not ready, the child one is a big issue, especially since women do have a window of time to work with when making this decision. I see female friends under a lot of pressure to produce babies. It's not something I really get since I wasn't ever interested. But it does seem to impact their relationship decisions in a big way. You're pretty young, you've got time. Use it wisely and don't rush into things. 23 is a very different place than when you're 26, or even 30. Your outlook and decisions can change quite a bit.

One thing about the wanting Someone is that you're looking to fill a hole, that hole can't be filled by someone else. The more you heal that need for yourself the better and more stable your long term relationships will be. That wanting Someone to spend my life with has persisted within relationships for me, so I know this is not about someone completing me. My understanding is that it's about learning to fulfill my own needs. That there's (for me at least) a weird craving for connection that isn't fulfilled by connection (it's almost like a consuming of another person) tells me something else is going on. I'm not sure what that's about yet, but I notice it's not so bad when I'm fulfilled in more areas of my life. You may discover different things as you go, it's basically a journey, not an endpoint.

I'm still nervous about the asking out stage even now, but it's much easier. The hard part for me is maintaining the relationship by not reacting out of fear to every little thing (it's not easy) this is where therapy teaching you skills to learn how to handle your emotions and fears comes in.

One more thing, one of my patterns has been to date an avoidant, which can be pretty triggering because sort of opposite of what my needs are, you might want to read a bit about attachment styles (there's a self help book that's an easy read called "Attached" http://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139 I took it with a grain of salt, but found it helpful conceptually at least).

Hmm. You seem to see a future with this guy, which implies serious decisions like co-habitation, marriage, children, etc. He sounds like he's more focused on living in the now, which is fine, for him.

Consider this: Is there any evidence he (and for that matter, you) is working toward achieving your future goals, or are they just sweet nothings to keep you satiated while he perfects his K/D ratio on COD?

You're not being a "heartless bitch." I'd say your concerns point to a very heartfelt feeling. You want your boyfriend to improve educationally for himself, and you want to keep things moving relationship-wise for the both of you. Unless you start making ultimatums and harranguing him without calmly explaining your reasons why (for example), you haven't nearly crossed into "bitch" territory.

Now, while he's working two jobs (how long can a man keep that up, btw?), smoking ganja, drinking the Dew, and gaming, what are you doing? You seemingly implied you're in Uni, and I'm guessing you're pursuing other things in your life, based on the overall candor of your post. In the next few years you'll start changing as a person, and if he stays the same, something's going to give.

I don't mean to frighten you or anything, but there's a good possiblity you're dating someone who's perfect for you right now,but, as you've rightly began to see, may not be the perfect guy for you to settle down with. That's okay. It's part of growing up.

Take some time to think about the future from a variety of different scenarios and decide if the real him can be a part of your ideal future.

Also, I'd highly reccomend you read The Defining Decade, or at least listen to author Meg Jay's TEDTalk. I think you're starting to grasp the issues that affect many 20-somethings, myself included, and it can give you a good perspective on some of the things you're clearly beginning to think about w/r/t your future.

Good luck!

Firstly, I actually like how straight-forward you are. IMO, this is the type of talk that gets facts across... but, as evidenced here, some people automatically equate this to being a 'bitch'. Sigh.

Secondly, how lucky he is to have you? I cannot say because he is not here commenting, but, you sound very lucky to have him. You are able to actually tell him things some females would hesitate to tell their significant other (many put up with bad sex for fear of hurting feelings)... It is quite nice. Would be very helpful if you guys do end up going to a seek help from a professional. :)

My main point: Did you ever enjoy sex with your husband, maybe when the both of you started dating, during some "honeymoon phase"? I ask because, if yes, it may be because your husband is too often always there for you. Yes, this is a very good trait to have as a father and a husband, but, not as a lover! Domestic needs often times do not match with sexual ones, so, if not recognized, can lead to situations such as yours (love having him around as a husband because he is like a dependable rock, but it is stifling as there is no sexual excitement because of lack of uncertainty).

If you can relate in any way to my last paragraph, I would recommend Esther Perel's "Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence" (Amazon link). There is also a TED talk given by her that touches quickly on topics discussed in her book, here (link). Trust me, her findings are quite eye-opening.

Others are telling you that they feel bad for your husband, and that they are feeling quite negative in general in regards to your relationship with him. However, I think maybe are just questions that haven't been asked - ones that even you (who research everything) may have not thought to look up on. So, have a look at the links I gave you. Maybe you will have a, "Eureka!" moment.

Good luck. :)

| My son is a human, not a possession to be squabbled over.

| At the same time, I have to carefully weigh damage vs.

| benefit and act according to that.

You have such a well-honed perspective!

I only mentioned the depression and anxiety because you had cited it as an issue in your social life. Glad you've got it in hand.

Just in case it might be of interest, much of social success is based on certain skills that most of us don't learn growing up, but which are very specific and very learnable. In case it might be of interest, here's the "user's manual" for these skills:

http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/1439167346/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1318642527&sr=8-1

Cheesy title, but golden guidance. It's the sort of book where one might benefit the most from reading a chapter, taking a week to practice, then going on to the next chapter, and so on. Most people are amazed at how learnable these skills are and how much more confident they feel in the world once they have them.

It sounds like you are a great mom and an excellent example of peacemaker (while keeping your powder dry, so to speak) for your son.

First it would be important to understand why the hands are in the pockets. It is largely habit, but it is also significantly contributed by subconsciously wanting to appear smaller and less visible due to lack of confidence or the presence of insecurities.

Confident people take more room. Wherever the hands are is the right place for them to be. The problem comes when you are second guessing yourself and paying more attention to your hands than the other person. Those insecurities, tension, and over-attention to the hands and arms is noticed by the other party and looks awkward. I find that standing with my feet in line makes me feel more awkward with dangling hand syndrome. A less symmetrical posture like Michelangelo's David makes the fall of the hands more natural and fluid. Something that works very well with this stance is flexing your ankle so your toes are elevated while the hill makes contact with the floor. This gravity defying behavior conveys happiness, confidence, and makes you more approachable.

Beware of holding things like a cup of coffee or a folder. Although it feels nice to have something to do with the hand, it subconsciously is essentially saying that you need to put a barrier between you and the other person. This is a very subtle thing but you may have noticed a girl putting her handbag over her lap, or someone crossing their hands on an interview, both are subconscious behaviors about putting a barrier between you and a "threat".

If you really feel like having your hands in your pockets, try to limit it to only one hand, and even then make sure the thumb is on the outside as it conveys confidence.

Sources: personal experience, What every body is saying

I am not sure what the answer is but this may help. There is a recent trend of people being all into personality types (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator) which in the right context is actually quite helpful.

http://www.16personalities.com/ is the best test I have found online, but to truly nail down your type you are supposed to be tested by a trained person. Regardless you can probably figure out where you land on the spectrum of personalities just from reading their descriptions.

The reason I bring this up isn't because I am a fan boy of personality tests but because it may be just be your personality, something that is hard coded to you, which you have to work with and gain insight to. The best way to use these test I have found isn't to find compatibility with other people but to find it with yourself. I have learned what areas I am stubborn in, where I am less than stellar, and where I exceed others. Changing your personality flaws (if even possible) is probably harder than changing any other single thing about yourself. If you however develop insight and mindfulness you can build self-awareness to how you react to situations/people and you can watch yourself more closely.

There are plenty of books on Amazon you can find just by searching MBTI related to personalities that will give you a wealth of information. Once you find your type you can find even more specific ones. It sounds you may lean towards being extroverted (getting energy from other people) but you said you like your solitude so perhaps you are a hybrid! I am an introvert and this book I started reading has been beneficial: http://www.amazon.com/The-Introvert-Advantage-Thrive-Extrovert/dp/0761123695

Wish you well.

Non-monogamy is a totally viable way to have a long lasting, loving, trusting, safe, healthy, etc. relationship. MoreThanTwo is a great website with a lot of articles on doing polyamory well. If that's something you want to explore, you should also try and read The Ethical Slut (this is widely recommended in the poly community), Opening Up (has a lot more practical advice than Ethical Slut), and lastly, feel free to join us on /r/polyamory.

Doing polyamory right requires a lot of communication skills and introspection ability. However, if you learn how to do all this, you'll be even more well equipped to navigate monogamy!

With all that said, people change a lot when they're young. Who I was at 17 was fairly different from who I was at 19, and the difference was even more dramatic compared to me at 21. And myself at 24 is unimaginably different from all of them! So while it is possible that you and your boyfriend could grow together, you also might grow apart. Cherish the time you have now, and allow yourselves to grow as fits best for each other.

Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel S. F. Heller, M.A.

https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139

From Amazon:
We rely on science to tell us everything from what to eat to when and how long to exercise, but what about relationships? Is there a scientific explanation for why some people seem to navigate relationships effortlessly, while others struggle? According to psychiatrist and neuroscientist Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, the answer is a resounding "yes."
In Attached, Levine and Heller reveal how an understanding of adult attachment-the most advanced relationship science in existence today-can help us find and sustain love. Pioneered by psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s, the field of attachment posits that each of us behaves in relationships in one of three distinct ways:

Anxious people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back
Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.
Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving.
In this book Levine and Heller guide readers in determining what attachment style they and their mate (or potential mate) follow, offering a road map for building stronger, more fulfilling connections with the people they love.

Guy here. You might want to read Way of the Superior Man. Yes, it's for guys, but I know some women who've read it and liked it. In a nutshell, he talks about feminine energy and masculine presence. They attract and need each other. So if a woman is wondering what she contributes besides sex appeal, energy might be the answer.

I think of it like dancing. The man leads and sets the frame, but the woman provides the energy and flash that makes good dancers look like lovers in ecstasy.

Also, David Deida has another book called It's A Guy Thing: A Owner's Manual for Women. I haven't read it but have heard good things.

It's more about connecting - walking and connecting. Talking and bonding. Marriage takes work. Sadly, no one can hide behind kids and expect a relationship to work. You both have to be up for it too.

I strongly encourage you to checkout out John Gottman's "7 principals of successful marriage" (or some title similar. I'm on mobile but that book is popular and amazing and worth reading even if it's 20 years old) "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" If you check on www.overdrive.com your library may let you check out a digital copy of it, which is how I read it - hunched over my phone while my kid crawled all over me.

They studied marriages of all kinds and his group truly gets what makes a marriage work. I read it. Husband read it. We discussed. It helped soooooo much!

Most of all - you don't have to be alone or hide. You can be open and trust someone to help you. You can let him have that opportunity and hopefully he's the type who will take advantage of your openness and respond in kind.

How do you want your marriage to look if it were perfect? What are you willing to do to get from here to there?

I remember I used to be so afraid of talking to girls! And that I really wanted to date and to kiss girls ASAP.

If I could be in your shoes again, I would realize that all I had to do to talk to girls was to be friendly and take the initiative...

Things like: "Hey, how are you today?" or "How was your week" and then when she says "Oh, it was fine" or "It was ok" just ask a follow up question or two, then let it go. Repeat every time you see her (Or anyone for that matter) and you will find you have a lot of friends including her.

As to wanting to date and kiss and all that, well I'm in college now and I have some friends who have only kissed 1 or 2 girls in their whole lives and I'll be honest, I am a lot more jealous of them than they are of me.

Also, if you really want to be an expert in talking to girls/people, get and read these two books.

how to win friends and influence people

92 ways to talk to anyone

Good luck out there ImAmormonDontJudge! You have a lot of great times ahead of you.

1. "When you wish upon a star"
   
   
2. My favorite is Frozen. I love lots of Disney/Pixar movies, but honestly think they have mostly gotten better at making them over time. This one had me weeping through almost the whole thing, and the surprise about the (you know the one) completely caught me off guard, and the ice graphics were pretty, and Idina Menzel's voice!
   
   
3. Most of the songs from The Little Mermaid are fun and catchy. "Under the Sea" is probably my fave.
   
   
4. Under $10 when bought used, or a gift card.
   
   Thanks, that was fun. :)

Such great points here. I can’t emphasize enough the importance of getting some mental health support but also addressing any underlying medical issues. So many of us are deficient in important vitamins and minerals due to lack of healthy nutrition and soil depletion, other environmental factors. I echo all the comments that encourage you to work on becoming healthy in body and mind. Exercise, nutrition, counseling or even some kick ass books that help you to shift your outlook. This book is supposed to be awesome, even life changing : https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336.

And have you ever read Perks of Being a Wallflower? Or a book that explains and normalizes introversion? This one is great: https://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352153

Depression is no joke. And we can’t answer why you feel this way. But please know that it is common, you are not alone, and it can and will get better. You are not getting dumb or disappearing. That is just the depression and once it lifts — through medication, therapy or other changes in lifestyle — you will feel better and back to yourself. You will know joy and you will have an easier time connecting with others. Promise. I speak from my personal experience. Hang in there.

It's true that the story lionized Bilbo and mostly ignored the other hobbits. We tend to like weirdos and rebels in stories, but really, at a personal level, we often tend to prefer nice, predictable, friendly folks in real life. Those are the reliable people that we depend on.

But I think what people may overlook in the story is that not just any old hobbit would have succeeded at the quest or been fulfilled by the journey of it. If the story is intending to say that we're all Bilbo (which I'm not sure it is), I think it's wrong. Bilbo never would have grown into himself if he hadn't left his comfort zone, true, but the overlooked flipside is that not everyone becomes Bilbo when they leave their comfort zones, especially if you only limit the legitimate activities to be uncomfortable with to a very narrow band of things considered sufficiently "adventuresome." We can't all be Bilbo because we're not all the same. That make sense? That's kind of what I was trying to point out with my analogy.

Personally, I believe that growth requires discomfort, and I'm not fulfilled unless I feel like I'm growing. So while I might be momentarily amused to stay at a comfortable plateau, it drives me batty in the long run. But I'm willing to consider the idea that other people aren't like that and don't need to live the way that I do in order to be fulfilled. After all, I'm an introvert. I tend to push myself by studying and learning about new things or picking up new artistic practices and hobbies. More extroverted people go to crazy parties and live music and huge social events. I sometimes wish I could be more like that because--due to the way our society validates extroverts and pathologizes introverts--I sometimes feel like I'm missing out. But I can't change how I'm built, and that kind of stuff just doesn't fulfill me in the same way. So, I guess I kind of understand a bit of where you're coming from. Are you an introvert, too? Have you ever read a book called Quiet?

> My wife doesnt want sex any more and i just feel trapped.

Here are some links that might help. Anger / frustration are not bad emotions. They tell you when something isn't right. The reason that you feel the way you do is because your personal needs are being neglected in regards to sex and intimacy with your wife. Our society has conditioned us to believe there is only one way to be happy in life and it's the picturesque white picket fence life style. This works for a small group of people and there are more than one way to skin a cat so to speak.

You are right to be concerned about the impact that divorce would have on your children. I'm a stepfather of 4 daughters and it has been terrible for them, but that has more to do with the fact that their biological father uses the kids as weapons to get at their mom and try to continue to control her life. If you ever do get a divorce please don't ever do that. There are other ways to get your needs met but still keep your marriage intact and still be faithful to your wife. Deception is the enemy, communication is the key.

​

Humans are one of the rare species that practice monogamy and there is a lot of supporting evidence that it's not for everyone. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bxQdLhOQf5c My experience is that metamours of my wife have only strengthened her appreciation for me and all that I do for her. New relationship energy (NRE) increased her libido and gave me free time to myself while she is gone but also more sex when we are together. Polyamory is not for everyone just like monogamy is not for everyone. What I find the most helpful is the framework that is part of it allows for communication in a way that's not usually present in typical monogamous relationships so even if you don't engage in polyamory there is a benefit from learning how to communicate with your partner better from it.

I would suggest doing some research about what your needs are and try to have a conversation about it with your wife. Avoid using statements of absolution, "you always" or "you never" are hurtful and usually incorrect statements made out of anger. Try speaking in terms of "I feel as if", "I need help to make sure my X need is met" are examples.

​

/r/DeadBedrooms/

https://www.youtube.com/user/schooloflifechannel/videos < lots of really good videos about love and relationships

https://www.daveramsey.com/blog/the-truth-about-budgeting < lack of money is rarely an income issue and most often a spending issue.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs

"Maslow's hierarchy places sex in the physiological needs category along with food and breathing; it lists sex solely from an individualistic perspective. For example, sex is placed with other physiological needs which must be satisfied before a person considers "higher" levels of motivation."

https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379

​

I highly recommend the book "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton https://www.amazon.co.uk/Ethical-Slut-Roadmap-Relationship-Pioneers/dp/1587613379.

My copy is signed personally by the author and had been a great introduction. I may not be poly anymore, however this book helped me to navigate poly better.

The essential guide for singles and couples who want to explore polyamory in ways that are ethically and emotionally sustainable.
For anyone who has ever dreamed of love, sex, and companionship beyond the limits of traditional monogamy, this groundbreaking guide navigates the infinite possibilities that open relationships can offer. Experienced ethical sluts Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy dispel myths and cover all the skills necessary to maintain a successful and responsible polyamorous lifestyle--from self-reflection and honest communication to practicing safe sex and raising a family. Individuals and their partners will learn how to discuss and honor boundaries, resolve conflicts, and to define relationships on their own terms.
"I couldn't stop reading it, and I for one identify as an ethical slut. This is a book for anyone interested in creating more pleasure in their lives . . . a complete guide to improving any style of relating, from going steady to having an extended family of sexual friends." --Betty Dodson, PhD, author of Sex for One

I'm not able to answer most of your questions, but I would suggest a few things:

1. Get the book Non-Violent Communication. It is a really excellent resource for dealing with sticky situations without adding to the negativity (ie. a sourcebook for talking to assholes you have/want to talk to). I've used this for dealing with students who made me want to punch them in the face, and for repairing a beyond-broken relationship with my sibling.
   
   
2. Whenever talking to SD, make sure she feels very comfortable talking about BD to you. Talk to her the way you HOPE BD talks about you. Ask her questions you HOPE BD would ask her. Remember that he is her family. Remind yourself how fucking awkward it is for adults who remain friends with both parties after they divorce and have to navigate the is it okay if I mention that person's name around Friend? weirdness. Kids get it even moreso. By talking about him kindly or asking questions or whatever, you give her the signal that it is okay for her to love him just as much (or more) as she loves you.

Good observations. Thanks for sharing. I definitely noticed a shift in my perspective on air travel after practicing. My teacher mentioned the same thing. Long plane rides are an excellent opportunity to practice, like driving, but with even less need for conscious attention to any particular activity.

Regarding dating, it's useful to evaluate what draws you to it. That's something I've observed and questioned closely after beginning to date shortly after becoming separated and then proceeding through a divorce. Spurred on by metta? What do you mean by that exactly? I found that David Deida's The Way of the Superior Man provided a useful perspective on remaining purposeful and path-oriented (whatever that means to you) in the face of dating relationships, using those relationships as a chance to practice unconditional love, fearlessness, and freedom.

Some basic recommendations:

https://www.amazon.com/Definitive-Book-Body-Language-Expressions/dp/0553804723/ref=cm_cr_srp_d_product_top?ie=UTF8

https://www.amazon.com/What-Every-BODY-Saying-Speed-Reading/dp/0061438294/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=ll1&linkId=bd2c9af18031113249e398f82105631e&tag=mysoccom-20

Understanding body language is extremely important. Being able to read other people will give you a tremendous advantage in communication. It can also help you to police your own body language so you're not doing stuff that puts people off, and also so that you communicate in ways that makes them feel comfortable.

As for direct communication... Honestly, I learned most of that from a very good teacher of speech (as in, giving speeches) and from a friend who is quite ugly but does extremely well with women. Self-perception is a lot more important than people think. How you perceive yourself translates into you how present yourself. That takes more work, of course, but knowing this is a good place to start with that.

I also got a great deal from a book on emotional intelligence, but I can't remember what it was called and it was a library loan, so I don't even have it on my bookself to look it up. But I'd say look for books on that topic, as well. I did a quick look and found this one is highly recommended:

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0974320625/ref=sspa_dk_detail_1?psc=1

As for websites, there's a lot out there. I'd just Google and see what strikes your fancy.

Good luck with it. In my personal estimation, the body language was the single most helpful thing I've studied. I use it constantly now, and it's just second nature to "read" people.

Your biggest problem is your self esteem.

Self esteem sometimes sounds a bit lame because it was overused in the 90's, but it basically just means you are happy and content whether you are alone, with friends & family, or with strangers.

Here's a great book on improving your self esteem. The basic premise is that you end your negative self talk and start valuing yourself. If you learn to enjoy and value your time alone, you won't need other people. When you don't need other people, you won't come across as needy, so the normal people that you want to be friends with won't be put off by you. Eventually people will be attracted to you and trying to become your friend, instead of it always being the other way around.

FYI, you can probably find a pirated pdf of the book online if you look around so you may want to sample it that way, but it is a good book so I would recommend buying it as well.

Also, based on your dressing style I'm going to guess you have some sort of childhood trauma (abuse, divorce, etc.) that is the root cause of your self esteem issues. It's just my guess so I may be wrong, but if that is the case you should try working through those issues with a therapist, or good psychology/self help book.

Best of luck.

OP, you urgently need to read a book called The Way of the Superior Man. It's not about men being superior to women, it's about a superior KIND of man, who has figured out the essential differences in male vs. female attitudes.


In short, men are (generally speaking) linear thinkers. We like clean lines, we can read maps, and we put things in their place. Women are kinesthetic, emotionally driven creatures who are more into the "vibe" right now - more immediate, arguably more creative, and way more intense.

David Deida studied tantra in Tibet - not the "sex" kind, but the actual mastery of female and male forces within the body, and how interpersonal relationships work in this dynamic. It actually makes a lot of sense, if you're a focused minimalist, why your "opposite" would be this hyper messy chick. You probably have great sex. Seriously, go read this book. You will start appreciating why she's like that and why she has stuff spilling everywhere. It's like the cup of Dionysus that overflows with wine.


The key in the end is, she is helping you to master your emotions (even if she didn't have all this stuff, she would be fucking with you in other ways, I promise) and you are helping her to master her emotions. The key is learning to focus on what your mission is in life and to keep winning at that mission. (This is not an easy thing to hear, it definitely wasn't easy for me to read the first time around.) If you're seriously killing it at your job / mission / quest, you'll be grateful that you have a girlfriend and her stuff spilling everything will just be amusing to you.

You give good hints, but I personally don't think a restaurant is the place to go to if you want to find out if a girl likes you or not.

Just think about it, there is a whole table full of stuff acting as some kind of 'barrier' between you and the girl. This is "first official date" kind of stuff where you don't have to figure these things out anymore.

I'm not the biggest expert on dating myself, but it's always good to not have such a barrier, and it's also better when you can see her legs. Is she sitting relaxed or does she take defensive/nervous postures? Do her feet point to you or the door? Is one of her feet constantly wipping up and down?

I read in a book on body language, either this one or this one, the former definitely having a chapter on flirting body language, that legs and feet are our most honest parts of the body, and think about it, it makes sense. You can lie with your face (e.g. poker face), with your hands (think of a liar who shows you his palms in a 'wasn't me' kind of way), but we rarely think about what our feet do.

I think that's why café are such popular "dating" places. You don't have to sit across a table, it's a relaxed setting and the seats are very comfortable. It's cheaper than a restaurant, too. When you're in a café you can try to sit next to her, or at least at ~90°.

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At least one good thing here is you felt comfortable enough to tell your wife something personal about your needs.

I think the answer to your post is in your last sentence. You don't even really know what you want to do. Take some time and think about the worst and best case scenarios one year, and then five years out. Are you still married to her? Are you still having sex with her? Are you having sex with men? Are you having sex with women? Is she having sex with men? Do you love her in the same or different way? Are you friends?

When you know what you want and can work for it, then it's easier to start feeling less guilty and anxious about your current emotionally charged situation. If you both want to stay together, then I'd recommend The Ethical Slut as a book both of you could read independently and together to discuss how your sexual desires inform your personal dedication to each other. It also might help with your fraught feelings surrounding topping and her seeing other men.

If you don't want to stay together, then, yes, it will feel pretty terrible and embarrassing for a while but you will move on, she will move on, your families will still love you and in the end it's best to part amicably than continue a relationship that at least one of you doesn't think will work anymore.

Keep being honest with yourself and her. Do things out of love for you and her. It'll all be okay someday.

>I was coming here to say the same damn thing.

​So was I, but I'll actually do it.

Animation degree here. (Really dont need a degree. My professors who worked in the industry said many dont have degrees still to this day, its all about passion and skill... and being willing to work 16 hour days)


Seriously fantastic animation. All 12 principles of animation are represented.

Your bro just needs to keep uploading and making animation. Its essentially a portfolio.

Animation companies dont care if you have a degee. They want a stacked portfolio. With solid animation.

When your bro starts applying for animation jobs. Make sure he has a solid demo reel. A demo reel is only the best animation hes made compiled in one vid. Its the resume for these places. Its all about skill.

Fyi the #1 and #2 books (no particular order) for learning animation and developing it are priceless. My professors stressed these books every year. They were used in 90% of my animation classes.

This book...

The Animator's Survival Kit: A Manual of Methods, Principles and Formulas for Classical, Computer, Games, Stop Motion and Internet Animators https://www.amazon.com/dp/086547897X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_5JSgDb5GHT9WJ


And this book....

The Illusion of Life: Disney Animation https://www.amazon.com/dp/0786860707/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_OKSgDbZMMJBVE


This would make an fantastic gift as well for any animator


Tell your bro not to be down about it. The companies dont care about schooling. Skill and passion are all that matters.


Edit: forgot our schools favorite websites!

https://www.cartoonbrew.com/

Cartoon brew keeps animators updated on general cartoons and animation


http://www.11secondclub.com/


We got extra credit for doing the 11 second club. You got an A for that semester in one class if you could break the top animations that month. Few students did that.

Let's get the first thing straight: there was no assault, and from your description, he was drunk, she was drunk, he made moves on her, she shot him down, and he stopped. That is not sexual assault. Classifying it as such is a way you can justify your negative feelings towards this guy, but you are doing things a disservice by approaching the issue as such.

Next, I can tell you, as a bi man in an open marriage with a bi woman, poly, open arrangements, and other alternatives to monogamy don't work unless both parties are on board. If that is the case, both need to be educated and dedicated: educated on alternatives to monogamy and how to best institute them in the relationship, and dedicated to open communication, honoring the primary partnership, and respecting their partner/s.

In my past experience, it's very difficult to go from mono to poly or open arrangements. There's usually too much past stuff to get through that ends up projected onto the new relationship, and often times, one partner wants it more than the other. For me personally, as someone wo is not poly but is also nonmonogamous, the best relationships I have had have been when the relationship began as an open arrangement.

If you want to begin looking at poly/open/w/e options start reading and researching. Get a couples counselor. Learn how to communicate in new ways. BUT, I have to say, the way that this has been broached in your life is not the best way to get there. Tell her if she is seriously wanting to be poly, you require these things. After a month of research and meeting with a couples counselor, reconvene on the issue. If it's something you both want, then move forward. If not, time to move on.

Required reading:
http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1310242671&sr=8-1
A great book to get started with, and refer back to.


http://www.amazon.com/Redefining-Our-Relationships-Guidelines-Responsible/dp/1587900157/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1310242969&sr=8-1
Great little book.


http://www.amazon.com/Pagan-Polyamory-Becoming-Tribe-Hearts/dp/0738707627/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1310242671&sr=8-5
This book is heavy on the woo woo, new age shit, but these people have a lot of good info, if you can separate it from the enya bullshit.

http://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379/ref=sr_1_8?ie=UTF8&qid=1310242671&sr=8-8
Basically, the bible of open relationships for newbs.

http://www.amazon.com/Polyamory-Roadmaps-Clueless-Anthony-Ravenscroft/dp/1890109533/ref=sr_1_16?ie=UTF8&qid=1310242671&sr=8-16
Decent

> When I once mentioned the figures to her in the past she denied them as made up or only reported by the horny few who wanted to brag.

Assuming you're in the 30-39 age bracket, roughly somewhere between 80 and 95% of couples are having more sex than you. The Normal Bar gives similar (independently obtained) data (but unfortunately doesn't give a detailed breakdown). Don't bring this up with your wife unless she actually starts disputing whether your sex life is normal.

Here is what worked (sort of) for me:

• Watch The Sex Starved Marriage. People suggest showing it to your partner, but I don't think this is helpful unless they're receptive to it (it sounds like your partner is not). It's more useful to crystallize your own thoughts and [a] understand the dynamic of high/low libido partners and [b] that if you're like most people here then sex is just a pathway to intimacy, and that it's actually intimacy that you miss.
  
• Write down what you want to say to your partner (not necessarily word-for-word, dot points will do).
  
• Channel George Orwell: speak simply, don't bring in unrelated topics
  
• Don't ascribe blame or she will become defensive and defensive people shut down. "I took you out for dinner and we had a good time and we didn't have sex" is blaming her. "I took you our for dinner because I've been trying to reconnect with you and I miss you" is you sharing a sense of loss with her.
  
• Talk about what you miss (sex, closeness, feeling connected)
  
• Summarise the Sex Starved Marriage: sex is ultimately under the control of the low libido partner. It's unreasonable for them to both demand sexual exclusivity and then deny access to any activity. It's like a chef telling his wife that she's not allowed to eat any food except that which he makes, but then never making food because he's tired and can't be bothered. It's simply not a sustainable situation.
  
• Ask her to spend 20 minutes just listening to you without interrupting while you read it.
  
• Don't give her any written notes; you don't want this to be a nitpicking exercise.
  
• Don't follow up the conversation immediately, you want her to just think about what you said.
  
  Did this solve the problem? No, but my wife now acknowledges now that there is a real issue and we're (half successfully) working on it.
  
  Finally, before someone else (Draconis?) gets in to say it:
  
  > I love my wife and when we go on dates we get along great
  
  Are you really so sure about that? Do you hold hands? Do you kiss? Is she affectionate? Do you both say "I love you" and mean it as opposed to saying it out of habit? If so, fantastic -- half your job is done.
  
  Sex is a relationship barometer: most of the people in here who say "they are perfect except for sex" (especially those in long term relationships) are in denial. Their relationship is in fact is quite dysfunctional but they haven't realised it yet. Read Gottman and ask whether your relationship is as good as you think it is.
  
  Wishing you success!

Sounds like you are bumping up against some (potentially) unresolved trauma (grief and loss), and how it has potentially affected your "adult attachment style." Your reactions to breakups are not unnatural, although they may be (as you indicate) more extreme or long lasting than you'd like. You are asking good questions, and the fact that you are looking for a more healthy alternative to your current patterns of behavior/relationships is a good indicator you are moving toward health... You could look for a therapist who can administer the Adult Attachment Interview with you. The AAI is legit: but stay away from foofy therapists. If you ask what their preferred treatment modality would be in working with you, and they say something like "it's all about your journey," just peace out. Finding a good therapist is like finding a pair of comfy shoes, sometimes you gotta try a few.

You can also check out this book, Attached. It describes attachment and neurobiology, and how it impacts your relationships. I haven't read the whole thing yet, but it seems pretty good so far.

Good luck!

Although my husband and I are generally on the same page with parenting, we also have our differences. But we both know that it is important to be on the same page, parenting wise. I would also expect that your husband would actually like to have things more harmonious. Both between him and his daughters and between you and him. A babysitter is a short term solution. You need a long term solution.

In our house, we are both readers. And have found some really wonderful resources that reflect the approach to parenting that we both aspire to. I subscribe (both e-newsletters and on Facebook) to Aha Parenting and Janet Lansbury. I will share 1 article with him at a time and then we'll talk about the article, often when doing dishes after the kids have gone to bed. There are a few books out there that line up well with these philosophies. We have a shared kindle account so we can both read the same book on our own devices and highlight, etc...

The other thing is the understanding of being introverted. Both for him and for you. It can be tough to be introverted and a parent. Especially if you have an extroverted kid. But there are ways to embrace this and be proactive with your needs before lashing out at the ones you love. Some books: Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, The Introvert's Way: Living a Quiet Life in a Noisy World and Introvert Power: Why Your Inner Life Is Your Hidden Strength.

It really seems like you both could use some understanding of the situation and try to get to a better place with it. It's hard!

pick up a copy of The Ethical Slut. Read it. It's basically a 101 guide to "what is this poly thing, how do people do it, where could I fit in with it"... there are a ton of other books on the subject (I've heard "Opening Up" is good), but that's the one that I know and love, and where I've drawn most of my inspiration for my poly relationship (almost 3 years now ^_^)

It's difficult to say everything that needs to be said in a concise way to someone who is just starting out, but I do want to say that you are in a great starting place - knowing that you love your wife, and this is something that you would like to know more about... that's better than a lot of couples looking to open up (or members of a couple). She trusted you enough to open up about her feelings rather than go behind your back and cheat to fulfill these desires... all of this is a good place to be

That's a tough one, for sure.

I'm that silly romantic who will not say no to love if it's there, even if I know things seems to be a batch match overall, I still have to go for it. I know I've said that to you before (I think). At the same time, I do believe that feelings of love and intimacy for someone can develop in tandem with them developing for someone else. I've been reading the Ethical Slut book recently which kind of gets into this idea. I've always had these ideas in my mind, but that book kind of helped formula them in a better way in my head (and my current FWB has shown me this to be possible as well--not that I'm in love, but there were strong feelings of intimacy already).

So, I'm not sure you're setting yourself up for failure unless you truly believe that you can only romantically love one person at a time.

Introvert who likes to dance here.

Honestly, you sound judgmental and condescending. It's okay for you to not like these things, but it's absolutely fine for your girlfriend to enjoy them. There is nothing morally wrong with getting drunk and dancing to loud music with a bunch of your friends.

Are you afraid of her cheating on you or something? Are you afraid of feeling "lame" or left out? Then you need to say that directly, not go on an insulting passive aggressive rant. A decent girlfriend can enjoy dancing and support their partner who doesn't enjoy it (and, you know, not cheat, etc.)

Trust and strong communication skills are essential to healthy relationships.

I can actually bring up some recommended reading!
Nonviolent Communication and Taking the War Out of Our Words are both excellent books on clear and effective communication and I can't recommend them enough.

I'm sorry if I've come across as harsh, but your words were pretty harsh, too. In order to feel more secure in your connection to your partner, you're going to have to trust them enough to feel safe opening up to them.

I do hope this helps.

This is a great question. One I've been asking myself as I've been getting back into the dating pool in the last 4 or 5 months since the trainwreck that was my 3.5 year relationship to my BPDex ended nearly a year ago. I've had a lot of same issues you pointed out in your post.

My therapist introduced me to attachment theory maybe a month or two ago and I find that it's useful model for me to understand myself as I'm going through the process.

Basically the reason why we're attracted and get attached to broken people is because we are broken. There is a wound we're trying to treat, typically from early childhood, and the way we're doing that is by trying to fix someone in hopes that it will be returned. And it never will be unless we do the fixing ourselves. In my case, my mother passed away very suddenly and tragically and very much right in front of me when I was 5 years old. That break with my primary caregiver was enough to cause a lot of other issues and for me to project that longing for unconditional love onto other people. When in reality I've been learning that I need to give that to myself.

I believe a lot of us here are "love addicts" or have anxious attachment styles. We attach, typically, to love avoidants. And I believe that though BPDs open up about their trauma quickly.. looking at how they open up emotionally.. well they really don't. They are awful about expressing their needs and instead throw tantrums. We, or at least I, kinda get a thrill when I get dig and open that somewhat reserved person up. (Quiet borderlines were my favorite). According to the theory we get a more secure attachment style when we 'ship up with secure or "boring" people.

The short of the long of it is that we have to do what you're doing like dating multiple people so we don't get too excited about one (usually that "omgomgomg" feeling within short time after meeting is the attachment style being activated and though it feels good, it's should be the warning signal). But instead of cycling through and moving on to the next person because we find them "boring" we have to allow ourselves to get to know these people. It's more of slow burn than an explosive firework feeling. And it's a very different way of dating than the style I'm used to. Apparently normal people don't rush right into a relationship. Who knew? ¯\(ツ)/¯

That's the gist. But you wanna know more there's a really good book called Attached that I recommend almost twice a day here on various reddit subs. And obviously this is something talk about with your therapist as your going through the process. Good luck my friend!

tldr: you're fucked up. get less fucked up.

Would you consider yourself to have some introverted tendencies? For a while I correlated confidence with being an extrovert, but Quiet really helped me realize that people don't all have to conform to one type of personality to be accepted by others. I found that I'm much more confident when I'm playing to my strengths and aware of what weaknesses I have. Some social situations are difficult for me, like going to a party full of people I don't know. If there's a friend of mine that can introduce me, or if I can bring one extroverted friend along I'm much more comfortable and can socialize better.

Hope this helps.

The feelings / behavior you're describing is classic introvert stuff.

There's a really common misconception that introverted means shy or socially awkward or anti-social, but it's really not that way at all. Introverts can be, and often are, more social than extroverts.. it's just that we're wired differently and will have more aptitude for socialising in different formats than todays popular customs.

There's loads of books which I'm sure you'd find invaluable, but /r/introvert is probably a better place to start.. the discussion there might be a little intense for the moment but I think you will find the sidebar full of useful interesting stuff.

Reading the book I linked above was a particularly enjoyable experience for me. It basically made me a lot more comfortable in my own skin.. I don't mean less anxious or whatever.. I just mean that I realised I'd kindof been taught that certain desires (like a desire for solitude) was somehow wrong, but after learning more about what it means to be an introvert I learned to embrace that part of myself. It was very rewarding.

First off, don't do anything just to satisfy other people. More often than not, they don't actually have your best interests in mind (even if they themselves think they do.) One of the greatest strengths we as introverts have is the fact that we don't need the external validation in the same way as extraverts do. In that sense, we're independent in a way our extraverted counterparts are not.

If you have your own reasons for wanting to get out and about with other people (and not just the opinions and urgings of the people you reference), then and only then should you pursue such a course of action.

Seeking out other introverts to interact with could be an easy way to get out there. Introverts tend to just "get each other" in ways that make socializing feel natural and make you forget to "try" to be a good conversationalist. If you're wondering where to find other introverts, I'd recommend events which are about a subject or activity rather than about the people there. That is, gravitate toward crafting groups, conventions, book clubs, and such rather than parties, bars, clubs, mixers, etc. Also, groups which involve fewer people (or at least groups where you only end up interacting with a few people) are better.

Finally, I'd recommend you make some effort to find out what is good about being introverted. I honestly can't recommend the book The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World enough.

First: Quit WoW. It is a waste of life (IMO).

Next: read read read

Read books about the social skills you want to acquire. Start with How to Win Friends and Influence People and What Every BODY Is Saying. These will help you with everyday social interactions and will help you a little with interviews. Follow r/socialskills

Read articles on how to get your résumé/cover letter together. Visit job boards like they are your Facebook/Twitter/{insert popular social media site name here} stream. In addition to reading your local city's job sub, visit r/jobs and r/resumes

Read books and articles on relationships. Start with Dating 101 There are a lot of good articles there.

Read articles and books on getting financially fit. Follow r/personalfinance

Read books and articles on anything else you want to learn or improve on.

These have helped me tremendously. Hope they help you too. Good luck.

EDIT: Keep this in mind if you struggle/suffer through change...

I agree that therapy, both individual and couples, is WONDERFUL, and I think y'all should go for that if you have the time and money. When my husband and I were in school together and could take advantage of the "free" therapy, at one point we were both doing individual therapy AND couples therapy! :-P We can't afford to do that now (shitty insurance/not much income), but we do still work on ourselves and our relationship.

Four things that have helped me in my relationship with my husband, who's also an ACoN:

1. Know your sensitivities very well, and how it connects to your history with your family. Regarding knowing yourselves - in what particular ways did your parents injure you? Did you have similar roles in your families, or was one of you the GC and one of you the SG?
   
   
2. Communicate your sensitivities clearly (and in a calm moment) to one another. Not much learning can happen about one another when we're triggered, so if there's something important for my husband to know about me, I make sure to tell him after some calming-down time, and I ask him to do the same.
   
   
3. Something my therapist has encouraged me to do is explain the underlying feelings behind my actions (i.e. "I felt so sad because of X and that's why I said Y, I guess what I really needed in that moment was Z") - that has worked well in communicating effectively with my husband. Instead of attacking or defending, showing my vulnerability is A GOOD THING with my husband, which is the complete opposite of how to survive with N parents.
   
   
4. We've worked through reading a relationship book together. This one by Gottman is what we did, although we also wanted to read through Hold Me Tight, and perhaps we still will. It gives us a container for talking about these subjects, instead of relying on our arguments in the day-to-day.
   
   Hope that helps! Good for you guys for being self-aware and striving to work on your relationship.

I felt the same way well into my 30's. My relationships never lasted more than a few months, and they made me miserable. Long story short, I was dating the wrong women. This is going to sound cheesy, but you need to understand and accept yourself before you can move forward. Then you need to approach your relationships with 100% honesty about who you are and what you need.

In my case, I was an introvert trying to date extroverts. I didn't understand what it really meant to be an introvert or that it wasn't a flaw that needed correcting. This book changed my life: Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking.

I also hadn't found a relationship in which I felt completely safe being honest without fear of judgement. That's as much on your partner as you, of course, but you can facilitate it by setting the example.

Once I knew myself and understood that I wasn't a bad person, I finally became open to meeting the right woman. It didn't happen overnight. When my perfect introvert found me, it took me a while to believe I was really capable of even having a relationship. Fortunately she had patience. We dated for a year, and now we're engaged. :)

> I was always embarassed to talk about my feelings

I'm one of the older INTP's here I think... 42m.

There are multiple issues at work here.

1. You need to be convinced that your feelings matter. Spend a while meditating on that fact. Your feelings matter. This is a huge issue for us as people. For most of my life, I was treated like a bystander, so that's what I was. I eventually got tired of that "role", and decided to play a new one.
   
   
2. You need to be able to "feel what you feel". We often have a REALLY hard time COMMUNICATING what we feel. This is closely related to issue #1. You CAN actually LEARN to feel... it just takes a little practice. When you can identify your feelings, you can communicate them.
   
   
3. Medicine may help, but I would suggest finding a longer term solution. You might want to look into Bowen Family systems theory. It has been super helpful for me and help me find some peace. Another book, "The Power of Intorverts" was helpful in realizing some of my strengths (https://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352153). You are a valuable member of society, but you're just having trouble finding your place. I've felt like an outsider most of my life, but I'm not.

Sounds like you could level up your interaction skills!

I am particularly fond of The Charisma Myth. The thesis of this book is that people are at their most charismatic when they have ample self confidence, which comes from having high self esteem. I have low self esteem and low self confidence, but the majority of this book details how to improve them. Not only has the book helped me be more charismatic, it has had a profound improvement in my psychological/emotional well being!

I haven't read this one yet, but I bought and it is next on my reading list. How to Talk to Anyone explains techniques for even the shyest introvert (like me) to come out of their shell and have interesting thoughtful discussion with strangers.

The fact that you made an effort to put yourself in a situation with a bunch of strangers is quite impressive! Now work a bit on your communication game and you'll grow into a better and more powerful you.

Well, I think that I've always known, even if I didn't know the name for it. The biggest change to my attitude about it came when I read the book The Introvert Advantage: How To Thrive In An Extrovert World which I recommend to all introverts. I think that I read it shortly after it came out, so I must have been in my low-30s at that point.

What it explained, and what I finally took to heart is:

1. The brain chemistry of introverts and extroverts are different. Introverts process everything through their logic and verbal circuits. Hence, we "think" about everything, and, thus, it takes more energy for us to be in any places that have a lot going on, like a party. Extroverts have a very tight "processing loop" so they get energy from being around people.
   
   
2. In spite of it being just a different kind of brain chemistry, Introversion has a negative connotation in language, and society. Being introverted is not thought of as a good thing. I dumped that unwarranted stigma from my own head at that point, and accepted it for what it really is. Introvert does NOT mean the following: Shy, anti-social, misanthropic, or even that you dislike parties.
   
   
3. Introverts recharge differently than extroverts. Extroverts do it when they get stimulation. Introverts get it doing quiet things. Rather than trying to be like an extrovert, where you are not getting what you need, recuperate the way you need to, the one that fits you. Every once in a while, I take a weekend day where I do nothing. Play video games. Read. Browse the internet. I don't always take off my pajamas on those days. I give myself space. I even SCHEDULE days where I have nothing going on when I can. If friends want to do something I say I have something else going on. And I take breaks when I feel like I want some quiet time, even during the day.
   
   
4. To deal with parties and social events, I often put a known time limit on my time with people (Like: I've got to go at 10) so I can match my energy to the event. And when I've had enough, I head out. And here's the key point: You don't owe anyone an explanation as to why you're going, if they ask. That's not their business. If they press, I just say: "I have to go." If I think that it'll be easier giving them something that they are satisfied with, I might say: "I have to finish something that's due tomorrow."
   
   If there's really interest in other things I've learned, I'd be happy to start a thread. I just can't right now.

I was where you are now. I split with my ex of 7 years in November 2009, and IMMEDIATELY jumped into dating a string of other guys. This stemmed from low self-esteem; I was looking for love and appreciation from external sources. I met my current boyfriend in July 2011, and initially was the same way...all "I don't want a Relationship...I'm not looking to get married, etc. etc." Fortunately, he feels the same way, and we're able to maintain our independence. We live separately, and get together on the weekends. Neither one of us want children, and there's nothing "wrong" with living independently or not wanting kids. :) We both realize that the relationship will end at some point, but as long as we're both happy, we'll stay together.

Personally, I don't think you're being a "colossal bitch." You're figuring out what you want and need after a HUGE upheaval. I think you're on the right track by being upfront with him about your wants, needs, and desires. To paraphrase Dossie Easton, "let each relationship seek its own level." Don't try to force yourself (or him) into a mold that doesn't fit.

I'd recommend that you read The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy. It's somewhat polyamory-focused, but there are many valuable anecdotes that I think you could relate to.

Feel free to PM me if you'd like. :)

So, I've never read this book, but you might be interested in the book quiet. The gist is that our society over values extroverts. If you're an extrovert, it's easier to express confidence and impress people socially and land an interview. Introverts have to be successful almost based on merit alone, and that's hard when you're starting off your career. So, my recommendation? Fake being an extrovert occasionally. It's going to suck. But it will make it easier for you to accomplish the job friends and girlfriend bit. Don't do it all the time, because you wants friends and a girlfriend who like you for you. But do it enough just to get yourself out there.

It sounds like you have an Anxious-Preoccupied attachment style, which is why you probably get jealous more easily than the average person. If it gets to a point where he is spending more time with her than with you, I'd probably be concerned, but it doesn't sound like that is happening.

It also sounds like you're focusing a lot on Laurel and her intentions, but ultimately the issue is between you and your boyfriend - and comes down to how much you trust him. Because if he's a trustworthy and loyal guy, it wouldn't matter even if she tried to seduce him (which sounds extremely unlikely anyway). A trustworthy guy will do the right thing regardless.

I'd recommend checking out 'Attached' by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, as well as 'Insecure in Love' by Leslie Becker-Phelps.

I found this book helpful: Love Me, Don't Leave Me: Overcoming Fear of Abandonment and Building Lasting, Loving Relationships

Another one specifically about jealousy is 'The Jealousy Cure' by Robert Leahy.

This article is also a good starting point: How Your Attachment Style Impacts Your Relationship

Listen to your inner voice and trust your judgment. When we're putting "friend" in quotes we need to listen to ourselves and take ourselves seriously and really say "Hey, this person IS NOT a friend." And we need to start asking ourselves why we even hang out with them. Demoting them from friend to acquaintance might be helpful to get them officially out of the friend category.

One of the critical aspects of friendships is reciprocation. If they don't put into it what we do and the scales are significantly imbalanced, we should reassess our investment and consider pulling back significantly. This isn't taught to us in school or even by our parents. Just the "school of hard knocks" as they say. We have to learn it the hard way. So dial back your investment in this person. Both in time spent and emotional investment.

We interact with others based on our own values. We often want to to maintain being kind to even the people we struggle with. But that doesn't mean we have no defenses when we're being treated poorly. One thing anger does is help us identify when we're being messed with and should defend ourselves. Anger has energy associated with it and that is to help protect ourselves. That's why it's called part of the fight or flight system, in this case fight. So you can work on positive ways of expressing assertiveness. Another good communication tool to make sure we listen to others thoroughly and try not to let our own bias get in the way of what they are saying is active listening. Between active listening and assertiveness we can receive information and act on it in a positive way.

One of the quickest ways we can start applying this is by memorizing a solid stock phrase and practice applying it to the situations that come up. especially right there in the moment. A good one is something like "When you say , it makes me feel ." "When you put me down, (especially repeating their own words back at them), it makes me feel like you're saying I don't do good work (or whatever they are insinuating). Is that what you're intending with the statement you just made? Because that's the way it comes across." It's a way of turning their words back on them and making them responsible for what they way. Doing this in front of others, especially with a person who cowers at being called out can sometimes help modify their behavior. Especially if they tend to be hyper critical of your entire work team. Try to keep the context as tight as possible. We're just calling out the statement. We don't want it to devolve into open hostility or bring any other previous context or events into it. Keep it limited to the current situation. And if they start dragging other things in you can do the same, "I'm not talking about last week, I'm talking about what you just said right now." There are books like Difficult Conversations that are helpful with considering different scenarios.

If you meet that person in public and they are saying annoying things you can imagine a clear wall come up between you that helps keep their negative energy with them. Shoot that wall up as soon as you can remember it and practice playing with using it to muffle their energy and voice. If you have trouble letting to thinking about it there's a technique of imagining that person in a bubble. Imagine the bubble is made of strong material and enough to muffle their voice if you want it to. Slowly imagine it's walls getting thicker and you can't hear their voice. Then slowly start moving the bubble away. Further and further away until it's a dot on the horizon and then gone. Hope this helps. Hang in there!

Check out this book. Also a good Ted talk by Susan Cain as well.

http://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352153.

It's great for introverts or extroverts who want to better understand their introverted friends or loved ones. Also there are some great mindfulness exercises out there that could help too. Best of luck. :)

> How did you realize it?

I started to realize that our sex life wasn't what it could be and wasn't working the way I wanted it to work when I started reading /r/sex and some of the relationship subreddits, as stupid as that sounds when I type it out, but it's really true.

Before then, I thought what I'd seen about relationships in movies and TV (including porn) was just made-up stuff, 100% invention, just entertainment. It seriously freaked me out for a while when I figured out that people really do that stuff and not just on TV. I'm talking about everything from mind-blowing, exotic sex to screaming, plate-throwing arguments. All of that was totally outside my experience.

I grew up in a really quiet, repressed family where I learned that I should never discuss difficult things and any kind of sexual desire is a terrible, horrible thing. Until not that long ago, I seriously felt like I was broken and evil for even wanting vanilla sex with my own wife. As for some of the kinkier stuff I wanted, I sometimes worried that I should be locked away for being such a freakish pervert. I also bought into the lie that marriage means no sex or not enough sex. Since almost everything else in our relationship is really good, I had settled into just putting up with lackluster, infrequent sex because I didn't know things could be any other way.

Reading people's actual stories on Reddit totally changed the way I thought about my sexual desires. I realized that what I like, what I want, and how often I want sex were totally legitimate and nothing to be ashamed of.

Another problem I had was that I thought sex always had to be egalitarian, always equal give-and-take, always hearts and flowers lovemaking. In day-to-day interaction I thought to make my girl happy I had to pretty much always give in to what she wanted, even about stuff as trivial as picking out a restaurant. I was trying to be Ashley when I should have been aiming for Rhett.

> [Was] it difficult to make the change?

It was difficult near the beginning, when it was a little scary to start talking about this stuff with my spouse. We'd never really talked about our sex life in any kind of detail before, and I'd never opened up so completely about what I needed and wanted, so it was new territory. And it wasn't completely smooth sailing, in part because there was an understandable level of "Why haven't you ever talked to me about this before?" from her side. The really great part has been that my girl is down for anything I've suggested; I've just been amazed. I sometimes want to kick myself for not getting this process started ages ago. If my wife were some kind of repressed prude, I wouldn't be telling this happy story today; I'm pretty sure we'd be divorced now. I'm grateful that it's worked out well for us.

> How exactly did you make the change?

I did a lot of work on myself, which I think is different from how some people posting to /r/sex think about their sex life. I realized I had to get my shit together in order for this to work, which is almost the opposite of "How do I get my partner to do [X] in bed?" I realized to keep my spouse interested in sex with me, I needed to step up and make myself more attractive and interesting, in and out of the bedroom. It's probably not a coincidence that I also lost about 25 pounds around that time, too, so I felt more confident about my body and my appearance.

I also read several books about sex and about how male/female dynamics tend to work for people. I mentioned The Way of the Superior Man elsewhere in this discussion and while it has its flaws, it was key for my understanding of how to be a man, and in furthering my realization that my tastes and needs are totally legitimate and worthy. I know that sounds hokey, but I didn't have a lot of great male role models growing up, so that book was really helpful.

I also continued to read tons of advice in /r/sex and elsewhere. I devoured sex blogs and watched hours of Dan Savage videos. We filled out this sexual inventory (.pdf warning) together and compared results. We talk a lot about sex anymore, what we'd like to try, what worked or didn't work the last time, etc. We talk about /r/sex posts I forward to my girl in email. We've kept communication open about sex and the results have been really gratifing for us both.

I'm sorry this is so long but I really wanted to give you a good answer, and not just three bullet points. I hope this is at least in the right neighborhood of what you wanted to know.

You're not being ridiculous. It sounds like he's... responding to you in a damaged way / caught in a negative automatic feedback loop / triggered by something in his past. It's not a healthy pattern for either of you.


Example of what may be going through his head, using your post below:

You: "hey, did you do XYZ chore?"
Him: "no"
You: "oh, okay. I'll do it after I get changed."


He may have been assuming you were going to get mad at him after he said "No", because (in his past) people have gotten mad at him when he didn't do something. When you said that you'd do it after you got changed, he may also have thought "Oh, now she's not only calling me lazy / forgetful / whatever people called him in the past, she's also saying I'm incompetent / incapable / stupid / unable to do this task" (working off his "old" mental script), and exploded.


By the time he stopped reacting emotionally and could think rationally again (cools down enough to apologize), he's probably feeling guilty (apologetic), and apologizes. But when you're not immediately okay, he probably takes it personally as a sign that you're still mad at him. ("I apologized, why is she still upset? Why isn't anything I do enough for her?") and blows up again.


I have a similar response as you do (I need time to cool down). These are some of the strategies that I've used to break this type of cycle:


Instead of saying: "hey, did you do XYZ chore?"
Try: "Hey, when was the last time we XYZ chore'd?" or "Have we XYZ chore'd lately?" ("When was the last time we washed the dishes?" or "Have we washed the dishes lately?" - this asks for the same information - when was XYZ last executed - but using "we" instead of "you" reinforces that you two are a team, while making the question less accusatory / personal to him.)


Instead of saying: "oh, okay. I'll do it after I get changed."
Try: "Oh, okay. I wanted to finish XYZ tonight / tomorrow / <some period of time>, because <reason>. I can't do it because <other reason>. Would you help me XYZ ?" This makes it clear when and why you wanted to have XYZ done, why you aren't doing it yourself, and lets him choose whether or not to help. (If he's a good guy, and it's his usual chore, he'll likely say yes.) )


Instead of leaving:
First, try saying: "I think we're both upset right now; I need to take a walk / go to <location> to relax and clear my head. Can we take a quick break and talk about this in <some unit of time>?" This makes it clear what you are doing, and (more importantly) when you'll be back and ready to talk. Overestimate the amount you need; he'll probably be happy to see you if you come back early, but more upset if you come back late.


If he starts interrogating you when you leave:
Try: "I can see you're upset; I'm upset too. I really need to go <location / activity> to calm down and clear my head. I will be back by <time>. Let's talk about <first reason for the fight> then. I'd also like to know why my <going to location / activity> is so upsetting to you - when I get back, can we talk about that too?" This acknowledges his distress / separation anxiety and makes it clear it is important to you, while emphasizing your own needs.


If he gets upset that you're not immediately bouncing back after an argument:
Try: "Yes, we're good - I'm not mad at you anymore. However, my body's still flooded with adrenaline and it takes me a while to cool down. I should be back to normal in <x period of time>. I'm not ready to cuddle right now, but <some activity> together would help me feel better." This gives him some idea of how long you'll be in the upset-state, a path forward for him to make it up to you (that also would actually help you feel better), and reassurance that your relationship is okay using a make-up ritual. (ex: "I'm not ready to cuddle right now, but getting some ice cream / playing Mario Kart / watching some Game of Thrones / seeing XYZ chore done would make me feel better.") (He's probably used to relationships where the other person cuddles / kisses as part of their make-up ritual, and assumes that because you're not cuddly / kissy, it's not a real "make-up" and you're still mad. That's why communicating your discomfort, with a timeline, and giving him an alternative "make-up ritual" is important - so he can identify and get used to a new normalcy signal.)


It's basically communicating your needs / points of view, in a way that is not threatening / personally directed towards him. I found this book to be very helpful: https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Marshall-Rosenberg/dp/1892005034/

Probably yes...
On a high level, I'd look on what actually drains energy from you vs how you recharge :-) but both would be very individual.

Especially that, everyone has some energy "store" and even a very introverted person, is able to handle most high stimulating situations in a way, nobody would notice it is sucking their energy. They will afterward need to take a rest for a while (knowing this preference one can plan their schedule accordingly).

Humans are more complex then only intro/extroverts... everyone would be somewhere in between of those two extremes - depending on how their brain and their nervous system reacts to external stimulus.

I think the most important is to understand yourself and build your life on what you have, and not to have a label. Knowing yourself, you can use a framework (like introversion/extroversion, or more detailed like MBTI) to add some structure to your self-awareness to make planning your life easier (I know I have like 90% characteristics of the INTP type and do plan accordingly).
Still, you shall be prepared that there won't be a 100% match with any type and, that you'll find in yourself, traits of several types.

To better understand what is introversion you may want to look into a book, explaining in more details how an introverted mind works and what suits introverts best... I'd suggest starting with Quiet by Susan Cain or The Introvert Advantage by Marti Olsen Laney

Take care.

It sounds to me that your GF might have impossible standards for communication from you. That no matter what you do you are going to do it wrong because the real problem is not with your communication but her not wanting to hear it.

There is two parts to communication. There is the communication of information and the reception of information. All your effort has been focused on your ability to communicate information to your GF, but it sounds like the real problem might lie in your GF's willingness to receive the information. You already know that your anxiety of communicating information to her is rational. For your communication to ever be effective she is going to have to do her part of it as well.

Most of the time when communication fails all the people in the conversation are at fault.

She needs to take an active role in your communication, and not just blame you when it fails. She has to create a safe place for you to communicate in by encouraging communication and not punishing it. She does this by asking question and engaging in the conversation. She does this by using active listening. She does this by using non-aggressive, non-defensive, non-confrontational language when she engages in the conversation.

I would highly recommend that both of you pick up a copy of these two books and read them, in this order:

The Usual Error - This is a foundational book on communication. It will cover some basics.

Nonviolent Communication - this book describes an advanced communication technique that will help both of you use better language to communicate without becoming defensive or confrontational in your communication.

I disagree, tell people you're not interested in it. Be straight up, don't try to lie, if people want to pressure you then they don't deserve your time. If the person respects you, then they won't try to pressure you.. If they respect you, they won't try to change who you are.

This does take some explaining to them though.

For me I tell people, "I appreciate the invite. I'm not really into parties, but it doesn't mean I don't think you shouldn't or can't have fun at them, they just aren't for me. I'm an introvert. Large groups make me anxious and I feel too drained from them. I'm down with smaller groups though, so let's go to a park, or go long boarding some time. Hell we can even go skydiving."

There's nothing wrong with you, don't feel bad about not liking parties. I spend most of my time alone, that's when I'm most comfortable and most happy. Learn to love yourself, and know it's ok to be different from people.

The following books were really great for me to start accepting myself for who I am and to learn to love myself.


Quiet: the power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0307352153/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1462836332&sr=8-1&pi=SY200_QL40&keywords=quiet+the+power+of+introverts+in+a+world+that+can%27t+stop+talking&dpPl=1&dpID=41m0N7IIcsL&ref=plSrch


Mastery of love is specifically about relationships, but you should keep in mind you also have a relationship with yourself as well.

http://www.amazon.com/Mastery-Love-Practical-Relationship-Toltec/dp/1878424424

I don't think they would expect a lot of practical experience regarding animation from you, because they will teach you that, right? I got a illustration test at the animation college I attended, to create a comic.

However, if you want to start practising, a good one to start with is a bouncing ball. This will probably be one of the first examples you will get at that college. And if you want to have theoretical information, as well as examples, I can recommend the animators survival kit to you. It is the de facto book on animation, written by master animator Richard Williams, animation director on Who Framed Roger Rabbit.

The Illusion of Life is also a great animation book to start with. It is written bij Frank Thomas and Ollie Johnston, two of Disney's best animators.

In terms of working in the animation industry, it can be difficult to get a steady job animating, but if it is your passion, it is very rewarding and great to do! Good luck!

I don’t have specific recommendations of things to do but I do want to encourage you to learn more about desire. Specifically in long term relationships and as it pertains specifically to women so I’m going to make some reading recommendations.

The first I’ve already read, the latter I have not started yet but it deals specifically with this topic and I’ve heard great things and have heard the author talk about the research and at the very least its fascinating to consider.

In any event good on you for being out in front of the issue and recognizing that these things take work. So many people think (erroneously) that desire and chemistry just ARE or AREN’T. But it absolutely takes work to maintain over time. And research is beginning to show that women get “bored” more quickly than men. This has been wrongly labeled as a lowering of libido for women in LTRs but as it turns out most women say they still WANT sex. Just not so much with the same person or in the same ways over such a long period of time. So if we and our partners are aware of this inclination we have much more power over controlling the outcomes.

Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence - Esther Perel

Untrue: Why Nearly Everything We Believe About Women, Lust, and Infidelity Is Wrong and How the New Science Can Set Us Free - Wednesday Martin