Best products from r/BDSMcommunity

I strongly recommend Complete Shibari Vol. 1: Land by Douglas Kent. It has some problems, but I feel that the fundamental education method is very sound. It starts with very basic elements: knots, wraps, frictions, etc. then it shows how to combine those into simple ties. Finally, it shows how you combine those building blocks into more complex ties. After working your way through the book you'll be far better equipped to learn new things because you'll start seeing how they're composed. You'll have the ability to improvise more easily and pick apart photos that you see. It's the difference between learning a song by rote memorization and learning a scale first, then seeing how that scale was used to create the melody.

That said, it has some issues. It's fairly basic. While it has numerous pictures, Kent is obviously a visual learner and consciously chose to minimize text. It suggests some ties that, while common, I consider less than ideal for the sake of safety.

I would definitely recommend it over Two Knotty Boys (Showing You The Ropes, Back on the Ropes) or Midori (The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage) as both tend to be more rote in nature and far more limited. Both are very much of their time (late '90s, early '00s) and things have moved on. Lee Harrington's Shibari You Can Use is pretty good, but I think that his sequel More Shibari You Can Use is better, in part because of the excellent connection exercises. Unfortunately, it doesn't have the sort of basic content that you'd be best off learning initially.

I'd additionally recommend The Little Guide To Getting Tied Up by Evie Vane. It's one of the only books on the market for rope bottoms and I cannot recommend it enough. Bottoming is a skill just as much as topping. This will help keep bottoms safe, informed, and more aware of how to express what they want out of rope scenes. I've found it to be of benefit to both tops and bottoms.

That's what I have specifically about books, although it's not necessarily what I would suggest for learning. For that, well...


This has become my default copy-and-paste whenever someone asks about getting started with rope bondage. In this case also look at the last time I saw this question asked, there are plenty of other good answers there. This is a copy-paste to make it easier to keep things up-to-date and not ignore key points, but I'm always happy to provide more information if you have additional questions.

TL;DR: Be safe first. Hands-on classes are the best way to learn to be as safe as possible, but there are several excellent resources available as well.

Looking for local groups on FetLife is one of the best things you can do, especially for something like rope where there is a strong element of risk. In almost any mid-sized city and up there will be a local rope community teaching classes, organizing munches (public social gatherings), skill-shares, and the like. Done wrong you can cause permanent nerve damage or even death. Don't just rush in without learning the basics of how to do it safely. Along those lines Crash Restraint and Remedial Ropes both have excellent resources on how to have a lot of safe fun with rope bondage.

For the basics you can go a long way with some simple single and double-column ties. With a single-column and a half hitch to a bedpost you can easily have a lot of fun. My personal favorite is the Somerville Bowline because it's fast, easy to tie, and it won't cinch tight after being tied unlike many other methods. It's also the first step in making this great wrists behind head tie. Topologist (the guy in the video) was teaching this recently actually and I got to see first-hand how quickly a number of novices picked it up. Easy, fast, built from a few basic, reusable techniques; looks great, lots of utility, and a bunch of fun ways to expand on it (say, going down between the crotch before starting the wraps and tying it off in the front rather than the back so that trying to pull your arms forward serves a dual purpose). Twisted Monk and Two Knotty Boys (who also have several well-respected books) have some very good video tutorials available for free online as well. They get many recommendations, but I find Two Knotty Boys to be a bit too focused on aesthetics and decorative ties.

As for rope itself it's never a bad time to learn more about what's out there and why people use it. "Japanese silk" from major sex toy companies is just cheap cotton rope dyed in various colors (avoid black rope when starting, even though it can look great it makes it hard to see knots). Especially buying from Spencer's or most sex shops you'll be overpaying badly for short lengths of cheap rope. My girlfriend (we're both rope tops) has a 200' spool she bought recently from Amazon for about $30 and while it's OK, it's not great. Stretchy, squishy... it holds and feels better than nylon, but that's about it. You could probably buy something cheaper or equivalent at the hardware store. I personally started with nylon and I dislike it quite a bit, but it's another cheap, starter option. In this case though we both moved on to hemp within a few months after having more time and experience with natural fiber rope and realizing that we'd be getting plenty of use out of it.

If you want to get inexpensive rope from the hardware store check that it doesn't have a core made from another fabric. Cotton "clothesline" often has a tough plastic core and should be avoided. Many braided nylon ropes have a thin, wadded layer inside as well. Try to check it out first if possible or look around for "solid nylon braid" rather than just "nylon braid." Twisted nylon will work and won't have a core, but it comes apart too easily and isn't ideal.

I've been happy with the hemp from Karma Rope personally. It's a good, inexpensive option (pay what you want) and their hemp requires minimal finishing. They also sell jute, but I have no personal experience with it. Karma Rope appears to have gone away. People have stated good things about the jute from MyNawashi however and if you want another inexpensive option they're worth looking into.

You'll be paying roughly twenty cents a foot from either of them and approximately the same price at the hardware store for cotton or nylon rope. I'd say go with an inexpensive natural fiber vendor to start with and skip the cheap beginner rope step.

If you want to pay more Twisted Monk is very popular for finished hemp rope although I'm partial to DeGiotto. M0co Jute (very popular for jute rope), Douglas Kent Rope (by bondage author Douglas Kent), Jugoya (respected Japanese rope top Arisue Go's shop), Knot Normal... sometimes it seems like a new shop selling good quality bondage rope opens up every day. For these shops you can expect to pay closer to $1/foot or slightly higher, but you'll have very nice, fully conditioned rope.

As for length and thickness a lot of that is going to be personal preference. Topologist has some good advice on rope sizes here. It says just about everything that I would although he recommends a slightly more complete kit. For beginning I'd suggest going with about 3 long ropes and 2 short ropes (roughly half the length of the long ropes). I'm currently using 8m and 4m lengths of 6mm hemp.

> I really appreciate your reply and I'm inspired by the success you describe in your relationship.

I'm happy to have inspired you! May your relationship continue to grow and be successful as well.

> It's also hard for me to remember that there is no "BDSM" but many type and flavors which can be dictated and dealt with by each person every time. I felt that being a "submissive" meant I should go totally passive. This I realize now doesn't have to be the case.

Yes, even if it is hard for you to remember, you seem to definitely have a handle on it from an intellectual standpoint - that's good! I really highly recommend you check out The New Bottoming Book if you can. There is a really great blog post titled Bottoming Skills which is just chock full of really great information for you as a bottom as opposed to a submissive.

What your BDSM looks like will probably not look like what other's BDSM looks like, and that's a good thing, because it's your BDSM!

> I can't tell you how relieving that is!

I am so happy to have lifted some weight off your shoulders. It might help your partner if you let him know a little bit about your initial confusion and subsequent dread at the idea of being completely passive in the manner you found others describing. Then, tell him what you see yourself acting like, or at least that you'd rather try just being "natural" and seeing how you react!

> One thing you made me think of is this - when he encourages me to read and research and find out what I like, he makes it seems like it's up to me to determine it when I would like to navigate that together.

Actually, as I said, my kitten and I ended up going through (in terms of a survey) the human sex map together. I tried to have her do it on her own, but it was a little overwhelming for her due to the huge range of things and so many things she had never heard of to boot. So, we went through my map together and surveyed the blank map having her ask questions about anything she was not sure what it meant. After that, she was able to complete her own list of likes, dislikes, and do not wants. The same process should work with a BDSM checklist, I imagine.

> What do you think is a good way to phrase that? "Hunny I want us to read together?" Is there a way that might illicit a positive response from him?

I'd say the best way to elicit a positive response with him should be just short of brutal honesty.

So, rather than (clearly exaggerated, I know you don't think this way necessarily) "I was worried you didn't love me because it seemed like you wanted me to be a passive submissive slave, which I don't feel like I am or want to be and you know exactly where you can stuff that!"

I'd suggest something just as honest but less harsh (compared to that) along the lines of, "I was somewhat naively worried you didn't love me for me because while researching submissives I found so many descriptions of passive women who just aren't me. I love you and I've tried my best to get into it, but I'm just not feeling the whole passive/submissive thing right now. In fact, I really don't know what I am into, or the full range of what you are into. Some crazy folks on the internet suggested we spend an evening going through this human sex map thing or a BDSM checklist together and discussing. What do you think?"

Okay, probably a little long winded and I am sure it doesn't sound like you but it covers all the main points, which I think are essentially you were worried, but now aren't as much because you realize you have the freedom to be yourself and just need to figure out what exactly that will mean!

Best of luck to you and we'd love to hear back from you later with an updated topic whether it goes well or not. Of course, we trust and hope it will go very well!

Resources

A really great place to start is this BDSM FAQ. There's a whole subreddit there, but that landing page is the perfect place to get your bearings.

Another great place to start is to take these quizzes:

https://mojoupgrade.com/

https://bdsmtest.org/select-mode

BDSM is really an umbrella for many overlaping things, and these little quizzes can really be helpful to understand what kind of stuff you might be into, and what kinds of roles you're most drawn to.

Websites

https://www.xruniversity.com/ (free and great!)

https://www.kinkacademy.com/ (some free stuff, some paid content, all great!)

Books

I like The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book to get you started.

SM 101 is also a good place to start.

Reddit posts

Here are my favorite reddit posts for women who want to be dominant.

This is a great thread of simple ways to be dominant for beginners.

This is a post I made with a lot of links for people who want to get started with rope bondage.

Advice

- After you take the Mojoupgrade quiz, you should have a list of exciting new ideas and things that might be fun to explore. If your partner also took the quiz (they totally should!), you might have one big list or two separate lists. Either's great. Use this to create a "menu" of stuff you like, putting some of the most exciting and 'want to try' stuff near the top. (Doesn't have to be perfect)

- Next, plan out a scene. Look at the menus and pick, say, three things to try. Maybe choose a favorite of yours, one of theirs, and something you'll both like. But don't stress, you've got all the time in the world later on.

- Have a fun, casual conversation where you talk just a little about what you're going to do together. "We're going to do x, then y, then maybe some z." Or whatever. Make it fun and playful, not super serious. This is called negotiation, and we typically do it "outside" or dynamics, meaning no-one is the dom or the sub during the convo, those roles come in the scene itself.

- Decide on a safeword. On this subreddit, we like Red for "let's stop right now" and Yellow for "I'm at my limit, we don't have to stop but let's take it down a notch." Green means "all good, let's keep going." (It's a two-word call and response: "Light?" "Green!" Super easy.)

- Start the scene and try the things you discussed. Allow yourself to be a little silly and make mistakes if they happen. Strive for "most fun wins" rather than "I have to do this some specific 'right' way." It's okay to laugh; it's okay to take breaks, slow down, stop, or move to a less-intense thing than you planned.

- Afterward, cuddle and spend low-key time together reconnecting. This is called aftercare, and it's critically important.

- Later, talk about what worked well and what didn't work well, for next time.

- Come to r/BDSMcommunity and r/BDSMAdvice, and ask questions! We love helping newbies!

Ok, that's better.

First, don't put too much weight on yourself. The fact that she cannot have an orgasm with you right now doesn't necessarily mean that you suck (ha !) at sex. That's what i feel from your post, so don't. Maybe she's not too sure about her fantasies, feel guilty of having those, or anything. From what i know of woman, if you put some guilt, self doubt, image issue whatever in the mix, and you can block the whole thing. So be supportive, listen to her, reassure her but you need to relax on her inability to orgasm yet. Most of the time, trust and comfort will help her relax and be more in sync with you. Maybe some woman could give you more insight on that point.

For the mental part. Think of BDSM like a play with characters. Imagine the man who symbolize for you the ideal dominant (mine is robert downey jr by example) and take that as a role model. What would he do, what would he say, his posture, his look etc ... BDSM is a lot about how you project things and how other perceive that. So first rule, if you doubt of your dominance, other will feel it. When a dom order his sub, he doesn't let her have any other choice but to obey. What can helps you with that (at least it helped me) is think one move ahead, you'll seem assertive because your order will feel like one small part of something bigger. Imagine a boss telling you to finish the report for Monday and put it on his desk first hour. There is no negotiation, and doesn't have any interest in the fact you have tennis that day, the only thing he cares about is if you understood correctly what he wants. Some wisdom from the joker "Nobody panics when things go according to plan. Even if the plan is horrifying". Basically, if you seems to know what you do, people who trust you will follow. Be casual when you order your sub around, screaming sound like overcompensation when people don't listen to you. When I order my sub around, i talk slowly and calmly. I know that' she's listening, so i just explain to her what's going to happen.

Now for the expectation part. I was in the same place as you some years ago. My sub was very experienced (several years with a Master with decades of experience) and I was very inexperienced. First step, accept that you're inexperienced. You're not broken or whatever, you just don't know yet. It's ok. If you have a good communication, she already know that maybe you'll be awkward, clumsy, breaking character the first time, again it's ok. Don't worry about it. Things became awkward when you let them be awkward. One time i remember, i was pouring hot wax on her, all domy and stuff, I move her on the table to change position, and i put the candle on the table. The only thing that could have happened, happened. The candle fell on my foot, and you bet your ass I screamed and run like a little girl across the room... I was just surprised and honestly lots of anxiety didn't help. We stopped, had a good laugh, a good fuck and just went to sleep. Did that event hurt in any way our relationship ? Not at all, actually it's good and fun memories. So don't worry, screwing up isn't an option, what you can choose is how you decide to own your mistakes. Furthermore, you have to remember that we talk about sexual stuff here, sex is fun, if you don't have fun, you're doing something wrong.

i can guarantee you that a simple slap across the face (again discuss that before) or a simple over the knee spanking with the right attitude, look, voice and all will have ten times more effects than trying to act a very complex suspension scene you're not familiar with. So stay "in your league" and advance slowly, one step at the time. Going slow will also allow you to build a dominant character because it doesn't happen overnight. What makes all the BDSM plays possible can be reduced at how credible your character is. There are lots of dom archetypes, some are nice, some are mean, other have high protocol, other are more casual, some are more physical, other more mental and psychological. You need to find the one you want to be, and start to act (in play of course) like him. Your final dynamic is the mix of your wants and her needs and wants. There is no two person on earth who will enjoy an identical set of kinks. Just imagine, a checklist have hundred of entry each can be noted from 0 to 5 for how much you enjoy it and 0 to 5 for how difficult is that for you. That's an infinite amount of possible combinations. So every relationship need to negotiate all the time, to find a common ground. That's why we value communication so much and advice new comers to first establish an open, clear and non judgmental like of communication. Lots of people think they have an unbiased and perfect communication, but when you think that's the case, it's just the start really. Those level of communication need a very high level of trust in your partner.

To summarize :

• Talk to her, never assume
  
• Accept that you're learning
  
• Relax on her inability to cum with you. You'll see how that goes when you introduce new concept in your relationship with her.
  
• Spank that ass with your hand and your mind ! =)
  
  Now some homework !
  
  Read that. Maybe not especially for you but i give the link to all new dom, so ...
  
  BDSM checklist for her. Something that could help with shy people is make them write a fantasy. Writing can help express thing you cannot say out loud (for your con non-con suspicion)
  
  There are several books linked in the resource section of /r/bdsmfaq . Screw the roses, send me the thorns is one of my favorite.
  
  For the mental aspect, you can read the Control Book by Masters. Also the New topping (and bottoming) book. In terms of books about psychological aspect of BDSM you have a very wide range of available book because you can learn from dog traning book to old "Good wife guide" kind of book (for 50's household), field manual for prisoners interrogation (i'm into interrogation play). Magic tricks book (for mindfuck). It really depends on what play you're interested in.
  
  Take care, and have fun.

My standard intro:

BDSM is what you make of it. There's hundreds of kinks and you have to find what works for you. Maybe look into The New Topping and New Bottoming Books.

Now a few terms from me that you should know: Look up the safety and video tutorials of everything you try with risk, (not porn), even 'light' bondage or cuffs could cause nerve damage if tied wrong or left too long. Recommend getting safety shears. Never leave a tied person alone or try to sleep like that. Feeling numbness or tingling get free immediately.

Start small, maybe each type out an ideal 500 word fantasy for the two of you and go from there. As for the rest, roll with it and laugh it sounds like a bad porn script or is weird.

Top: Person performing an action in a scene.

Bottom: Person receiving an action in a scene.

Dominant-Dom (Domme/Domina for females): Person who has agreed to take control of the scene and commanding the sub within limits of both people. More mental then physical though both are important.

Submissive (sub): Person who consents to not be equals in a scene and do what the dominant wants. Within established limits and agreed activities. Random surprises in a scene are not a good idea.

Switch: People who like to both Dom/Domme and sub depending on their mood and/or type of scene. Switching mid-scene is more rare but can be done with couples who know each other well.

Not all Tops are Doms/Dommes and not all subbing is from the bottom. For example a girlfriend could be a Domme but like to be spanked. In that case she would tell her boyfriend exactly when/where/with what/how hard/how often to spank her. The boyfriend is a Sadist Top, doing the spanking but only to obey her, the Masochist Domme. He might wear a leash she can pull on to remind him whose in charge.

Review/establish hard & soft limits and safewords protocols if you don't already have them. Red=Stop NOW! Yellow=Minor issue please pause to hear why. Green=Keep Going. Every once in a while check in especially if its a new activity by asking "Color?" Doms can safeword too if need be.

Hard limits are things you never want to even consider, both of you should respect the other one's and not bring it up again unless they do. Don't like mixing pee and sex? (Watersports), then hard limit it. if things change over time maybe bring it up but still respect the other person not being into it.

Soft limits are things you are nervous about but are willing to work your way up too. Never done anal before? Buy a butt plug and carefully wear it for 10 minutes each day, increasing the time as you get more comfortable. Then slowly take her yourself.

Aftercare: Snuggling and cuddling as normal people again after a scene to 'come down' after the intensity of a scene. Doms/Tops need it too. What is in it will vary from person to person. Blankets, water and chocolate are a good basic package. And praise for each other, a lot of it. Talk about a scene again after you are both restored to see what worked and what didn't. Aftercare is needed to prevent the dreaded Drop. (Subdrop but Doms can get it too).

Drop: All the fun chemicals in your brain going away from a scene. Negative emotions and thoughts like sadness and maybe even disgust might pop in your head but it's probably just the coming down effect in your mind. Communication and aftercare are needed with your partner to prevent this in both of you. Drop can sometimes hit a few days later so monitor yourself. Personal experience: first scenes on a Friday night, drop didn't hit until Monday night/Tuesday morning, I needed to sleep it off. Irritable for no reason and out of step with the rest of the world, felt like a bad day no matter where I went.

Let me be clear about punishments and funishments. Punishments are something the sub honestly hates that are done for breaking a rule/protocol. But they can STILL safeword out if they feel unsafe or the Dom isn't listening to why they broke the rules. Not all punishments are sexual it could be boring like writing lines 100 times. They are typically used if you have outside the bedroom aspects to D/s . NEVER use punishments out of genuine anger or resentment for obvious reasons.

FUNihsments are things the sub likes but pretends to break rules over to set up the scene. E.g. I didn't wear blue today so I deserve a spanking! Subs that like to tease or make the Dominant 'work' for obedience are Brats.

D/s could be attractive for many different reasons. Pleasure of being someone's lust toy, the trust that you can share a desire not to be equals with someone that some people will never understand, the power and control of another within limits, relaxing your mind and just doing what the Dominant wants, earning praise of someone you love etc.

Next part is written as female Domme and male sub but can be flipped around.

What kind of Domme do you want to be? What does he respond to best? Have safewords in place and review limits just in case.

Nurturing: "Be a good boy and lick my special spot, the lady juice just means your doing a good job!" "I'm so proud of you for making me cum!"

Mocking/Degrader: "If I was fingering myself I'd have cum twice by now! You think that little tongue wagging is going to get me wet? Harder and faster you dumbass!"

Sadist:"I'm going to spank your ass while your down there and it's going to turn bright red and bruised, whine all you want but don't stop licking or I make it worse." For every 10 minutes I don't cum that's 5 whacks with my hairbrush after on your ass."

Nurturing Sadist: "I know it hurts but it makes me so happy your taking so much in dedication to me. I'll give you a break for two minutes, then just 10 more spanks, I know you can do it! After I promise to rub the lotion on your bruises and kiss them better. I'm proud of you."

Tease and deny him: "I'm going to sit on your face while your hands are tied/cuffed! I'm going to keep jerking you off until I feel like stopping, don't care if your sensitive after you cum, it makes me wet so I'm going to make you squirm! For extra effect every time he cums, immediately drop your pussy in his face so he knows orgasm=your scent & taste. You can also make him give you oral for every time he cums after. Make him thank you after.

Rub him out while he's still in his underwear and make him stay all wet in them afterwards because he is so dirty and it amuses you to see him in nothing but wet underpants. (Shower after).
Dirty talk/ownership: This is where you belong isn't it? You belong to me. You have stress outside here but the people at work don't know this is who you really are right? This is what you crave inside, being covered in marks and lady juice from me isn't it? You like the smell/taste/warmth don't you? Tell me how much of a dirty boy you are. Admit it, you love being my living sex toy.

Sensory: Blindfolds, gags, earplugs to remove senses to heighten anticipation. Need a new way to safeword, i.e. dropping something noisy like a cat toy or gesture with his arms if they're not tied. Tickling. Ice and hot wax (check the safety) for temperature fun. Gags are not really for rookies until trust and alternate safeword ready.

Role play: This can take many forms. Its make-believe for adults. Nurse costumes, a leash, a teacher's ruler, whatever you need to set the scene. Laugh if you need too but once you hit yours and his scenario you'll know.

Body worship: Make him kneel on the floor naked and kiss your feet/heels/boots. Put them close together and tell him his lips are not allowed to leave your skin so he must drag them over from side to side as he shifts from foot to foot.

Whip cream/other such food on your feet/nipples. Not your crotch it causes UTI. Lemon juice if you want to make him squirm but he wants you in his mouth so bad he'll do it (within limits of course).

Forbid him from touching himself while doing this, make him beg to put any part of you in his mouth because he's so horny. If you can reach the top of his head, dig your nails in slightly and massage the scalp. Trust me he'll probably melt.

Service subbing: More outside the bedroom, doing household chores to earn praise of the dominant. Get him naked to vacuum while you 'ignore' him clothed while reading on the sofa. He cooks for you and eats at your feet during meals alone at home, etc.

A little subtle outside the bedroom game to signal/turn you both on, (written as male Dom and female sub):when you as sub wear sandals to go out, the Dom expects at some point that she will 'casually' slip both feet out and be barefoot in front of others briefly as a symbol of the Dom's control even when others don't know; and a symbol the sub is horny and will be ready to be barefoot and naked at home whenever the Dom orders. Bonus if the sub's toenails are painted a color the Dom ordered, fingers too. A little game to let him know you are still attracted to him and feel up to sex when you set that up.

Have fun and stay safe, sane and consensual!

If you want to get out into the local community join Fetlife and look for munches nearby. Munches are public (vanilla) gatherings of kinksters as platonic friends like a hobby group. Not for speed dating or a meat market. 90% of the talk isn't even kink. Good for getting a vibe off others and learning about the other kinky events later on.

If you want a true story by someone on here: Darling Discovered, use Look Inside to read the prologue it gets the reader's attention:

https://www.amazon.com/Darling-Discovered-True-Story-Submission-ebook/dp/B01D3N5M3U

Remote Vibe First one was DOA, but the replacement worked wonders.

Also just in case you're curious, here's a bunch of other things I've bought off of Amazon:

Rabbit Vibe: NO, breaks too easily

Dual Bullet: Great while it lasts, but sadly breaks after a few sessions

Scissors If you don't have some GET SOME

Two Knotty Boys I highly recommend if you need some knot help

Condoms More are always useful to have

Weighted Nipple Clamps LOVE THESE, your sub might not though

Whip Going strong for two years

Bullet Held out for a while but ultimately broke after a few months

Numb Throat Spray doesn't work

Anal Trainer Set good for training but the middle to biggest is a bit of a jump

Lube Great stuff, lasts a while too

Blindfold Very comfy and durable

Bondage Tape Works well for hte purpose, doesn't adhere like Duct Tape, perfect

Vibe Fantastic Vibe

Rose Petals Show your girl a good, romantic time

Suction Dildo Get it and make her fuck herself on the floor, highly recommend

Butt Plug A good intermediary between the large and medium from before

Mouth Wash Make sure your breath smells clean for sex

Pillows Sleep better

Mini Massager Works reasonably well

Rose Gold Heart Necklace Classy way to show ownership out and about

Rose Gold Heart Bracelet Sams as above but for alternating days

Okay that's a quick overview, let me know for more detail on any, yes I have have bought all of these on Amazon, Dear God I did not realize how much I bought there before now.

Also here's a fun list of tasks and punishments

Fur further ideas just look over this sex map and for a bit more utilitarian, check out this list of Limits I made (pdf version or .xlsx version i.e. excel). For some fun orders steal some from the Contract I wrote (Word Version or pdf)

Hi and welcome! My husband and I live full time M/s both in and out of the bedroom. I'd be happy to pass along some useful reading.

This is a great article about living in power exchange while around others: http://dominantguide.com/4489/maintaining-dominance-around-the-family/

Here is a good start for each of you to do some contemplation/mapping out of what your new "ideal" dynamic may look like:

http://dominantguide.com/4436/defining-your-dominant-voice/

And

http://www.submissiveguide.com/2009/03/mapping-ideal-submission/

I really like this checklist over mojo. Consider printing it and spending a couple nights together going line by line together, encouraging open and honest answers: http://latches.webslaves.com/checklist.htm

If you're interested in reading our story about starting evolving towards 24/7 and haven't yet, you can go to Smashwords.com and find the book, Darling Discovered: A True Story of Submission, enter the code XM69Z, and receive a free ebook version. This is the story about our developing the dynamic.

Check out reviews and read a preview here: https://www.amazon.com/Darling-Discovered-True-Story-Submission-ebook/dp/B01D3N5M3U

It's nominated for Best BDSM Book at 2017 BDSM Writer's Con; the manuscript won the non-fiction category in 2015. It's creative non-fiction so it reads like fiction but is a true story.

Finally, my best advice to you is to start voicing your preferences. About everything.

When egalitarian outside the bedroom there is always a balancing act; a consideration of both parties in every though. If your partner asked, "Do you like this dress on me?" a part of us wants to be considerate, take their feelings and thoughts into account. Instead, start (kindly and respectfully) voicing your opinion or preference. About....life. My husband likes everything a certain way. And his pleasure is my pleasure so I enjoy doing these nice things for him.

Start making preferences known and over time, preferences become expectations.

Good luck and I'm happy to ask my husband anything specific about his path in dominance.

1. It depends a lot on your area, but going to munches and becoming involved in the community is the most commonly recommended way to meet people. There is also Fetlife, which is a BDSM themed Facebook equivalent.
   
   
2. She can, like most online dating she's going to have to wade through a lot of nonsense to find anything worthwhile.
   
   
3. Yes definitely. besides meeting in a public place, the first time she goes anywhere private with someone new she should set up a safecall.
   
   
4. eh, somewhat, she's now looking for a minority within a minority, so her number of potential partners isn't huge, but it is hardly unheard of for lesbians to be involved in BDSM
   
   
5. Just listen to everything she has to say, be excited when she has a good time, even if it doesn't sound fun/hot to you. My friends are all very vanilla, and I wish I could just talk honestly about this part of my life.
   
   
6. Mostly whatever she wants, any munch or meeting in a public setting should be attended in street legal casual wear. Play parties/events may have a dress code, the event coordinator will probably let her know.
   
   
7. She's an adult, as long as she displays good judgement and self control she should be OK. She may be dealling with a bit of Sub frenzy and should focus on practicing safe behaviors.
   
   
8. The intimacy and trust created/required by practicing BDSM can be very powerful, but for most people, it begins like any other relationships.
   
   
9. Yes. Like a normal human being, in many cases ones BDSM partner is also ones primary romantic partner and outside of the sexual arena you interact the same way any other couple would.
   
   The new bottoming book is invaluable for newbies, just to get some perspective. There are a ton of great kink blogs out there, just look for ones that focus more on the reality of forming a BDSM relationship rather than the fantasy.

Your username just made me burst out laughing, and now people are giving me odd looks. It's fantastic!

Rope is fun, but until he has some time to learn what he's doing with it as far as restraints go an under-the-bed restraint system might be simpler and easier. Spreader bars are awesome too. You can buy (poor quality IMO) ones cheaply, or you can make one by screwing two eyehooks into the ends of a piece of dowel or a broom handle you've cut down to the desired size. Easiest DIY project ever.

Floggers are nice versatile tools, but depending on the user's coordination they can take a bit of practice to aim well. Paddles and riding crops take less practice to hit where you intend, and both are fairly cheap.

If you're new to anal play a butt plug (or several in graduated sizes) could be fun for training even before he gets home (and he would likely enjoy the pictures), and can be used with him as well. Also, good lube. I like gun oil, but there are lots of other good ones on the market. Just ensure that whatever you pick is safe with toys or condoms if you plan to use it with them.

South_in_AZ gave you great book recommendations. If you're separated frequently both of you reading them and then discussing any ideas/thoughts/etc might help you explore what both of you want. Journaling about fantasies, thoughts on what turns you on psychologically, etc, to share could also be a good way of building things even when you guys are long distance.

Absolutely. You are definitely not alone.

Join Fetlife and you will start to see what resources are available. It is recommended that you find local bdsm groups called munches so you get a feel for the community and get to learn, meet people in public. (Look up your area groups on fetlife). Just be careful about meeting people you don’t know and learn about tips on how to (more) safely start a relationship and eventually meet up with someone IRL.

If you have an openly bdsm club in an area that is accessible to you (big cities, etc.) many clubs have a Dungeon 101 class. There are EVEN kink/fetish/bdsm groups on meetup.com depending on where you live!

Many dating sites, I’ve heard good things about OKCupid for this, are good forums to meet people and you can state exactly what type of relationships you are looking for!

A good starter book would be SM101: A Realistic Introduction, by Jay Wiseman.

https://www.amazon.com/101-Realistic-Introductoin-Jay-Wiseman-ebook/dp/B006T2UJQ8

This is a bit dated but has a great PRACTICAL intro on tons of kink practices, PLUS REALLY good tips for safer meeting of people for “playdates.” 😏😏😏

Playing Well with Others by Lee Harrington is supposed to be helpful re venturing into the kink community, I own it but haven’t read it but it sounds like it would be a good fit for you. (Plus it is $1.99 on Kindle!).

https://www.amazon.com/Playing-Well-Others-Discovering-Communities-ebook/dp/B009DP5P26

The Topping Book and The Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton are also very good.

Good luck, stay safe and have fun!

Secretary is a great start ... but yes, there's a lot more :)

• Kushiel's Legacy, by Jacqueline Carey is a solid fantasy series with a BDSM protagonist. I'm surprised no one has mentioned it yet!
  
• I'll second the Sleeping Beauty trilogy by Anne Rice (under the pen name A. N. Roquelaure). Very explicit and pretty extreme in terms of the level of sexuality and the degree of Master/slave dynamic presented.
  
• I haven't read Sunstone myself, but have heard great things about it.
  
• Smut Peddler and Smut Peddler II are great collections of erotic comics. Not all of the stories are BDSM-related (though many are), but the diversity of genders/sexes/dynamics/etc. presented is unparalleled, and the stories & art are excellent.
  
• Girls with Slingshots is a fun, sexy webcomic with a few kinky characters.
  
  If you're interested in non-fiction BDSM resources, I recommend starting with Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns or any number of titles from Greenery Press (especially those by Jay Wiseman).

Forced orgasm is just that - an orgasm brought on by unrelenting stimulation to the genitals. I don't know that there is really a best way that covers everyone since everyone's bodies are unique and respond differently.

Part of forced orgasms is that you just have to accept that there will be over stimulation and sensitivity can be uncomfortable but on the otherside of it is an amazing release. I describe it like a process of working and pushing past it.

Tips for staying quiet? Gag. We got a mouthguard over the mouth panel gag harness that has been super great with dampening sounds. We don't have kids, but live in an apartment. I'm sure our neighbors love us >.> but really we try to be respectful and quiet.

We use under the matress restraints. https://www.amazon.com/Sportsheets-Under-Bed-Restraint-System/dp/B000VHH5DW They come with velcro cuffs, but we have our own leather ones we clip to them. We also got climbing clips to make attaching and detaching easier. Super easy to install and you can easily hide under the matress or remove when not in use. They're affordable and well constructed imo.

But as for not getting anything new, using bondage tape to hogtie or restrict movement is fine.

session length depends on the person... how long it takes you to get there is how long it takes. that is the same with any subsequential orgasms.

word of caution - you can experience microtears and abrasions to the clit and urethra which can make you vulnerable to infections like UTI. make sure you hydrate and keep the area clean with good after care.

I'm a 35M Nurturing Dom. I am physically disabled and also suffer from depresion and PTSD due to a lifetime of experiences like I wrote about here:

https://www.reddit.com/r/creepy/comments/4h388f/the_blue_room_the_brown_room_and_death/?st=jdpo97f9&sh=3dc3027b

Thank you for sharing your story. It has inspired me to share my own. I hope if nothing else this helps you feel a little less alone.

Much like you I first discovered my interest in BDSM when I accidentally ran across tit torture porn in 96-97. I think I was looking up historical instances of torture like the Inquisitions or something for some early high school report of some kind. I then spent the next 20 years with a passing interest in BDSM in general and tit torture especially. While I usually enjoyed the usual types of porn every once in a while I got an urge to look at something extreme and harsh. Things where the women depicted were in visceral pain.

I found myself gravitating to more Dominant roles as I progressed in life. I went from sales to security to eventually management in security. At the same time I met, fell in love with, and married my now ex wife. After nearly 6 years together one day she simply decided she didn't need me any more after I helped her break into her career path three years early. So she threw me away for her old high school boyfriend who she had just reconnected with. This guy is was the very definition of a loser and I had accomplished more in less than a decade being a cripple than he had in twice that long. So all of a sudden she was like "I want a separation" and "I want a divorce" and "we are not going to talk about it". "I have decided this is over so it's over."

This was the single most devastating event in a life full of pain. She did everything should could possibly do to destroy me after the only thing I had done was devote myself to her and kept every promise I ever made.

In the process of reviewing even the smallest aspect of my life over the last six years in painstakingly minute detail I made an unexpected personal discovery. That discovery was that my nearly 20 year long passing interest in BDSM went much deeper than just a passing interest. I had been subconsciously functioning in a Dominant role in both my personal and professional lives. Not only that but that my relationship with my wife functioned best when I was the one in charge of everything.

I spent another 7-8 months reading and learning everything I could get my hands on. Eventually when I could go no further on my own I joined my local community and then the lifestyle. I found a mentor, a old school Master in the leather community with over 25 years of experience. My knowledge, skill, and competency in all aspects of my life have improved exponentially.

The results have been remarkable. Things are being accomplished that I could only dream of when married with my wife. Every relationship I am in now is a BDSM relationship based on honest open communication and consent. And as a result every woman I have been with has treated me better than my ex wife ever did. My life is improving almost by the day. I am now a much more integrated and whole person. Instead of cowering from the darkness inside myself I have conquered it and have it firmly under my control now. For reference think of it like what Imagine Dragons sings about in their hit Demons.

Link: https://youtu.be/mWRsgZuwf_8

I have stared into the Abyss. I have confronted what Jung called The Shadow. I have tamed the Beast inside and now it does my bidding in stead of the other way around. I have come to understand that while the largest part of me wants to care for and protect women there is another smaller part that is a sadist and wants to inflict the pain I suffer daily upon them.

You can do this to. I just takes work. A good therapist will help you phenomenally.

But let me try to offer some direct assistance for you.

These are two books that I read in my own training to be a better Dom. They have been instrumental in helping me deal with my sub's mental issues and my own as well. My own ability to care for myself was revolutionized by these two books. There is real life changing and life saving information in here.

I am not affiliated with the authors or amazon in any way. I am not trying to sell anything. I simply want to share information that has helped me and others.

Mastering Mind: Dominants With Mental Illness and Neurological Dysfunction
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00PG5DZCY/ref=oh_aui_d_detailpage_o04_?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Broken Toys: Submissives With Mental Illness and Neurological Dysfunction
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B013PQCP08/ref=oh_aui_d_detailpage_o05_?ie=UTF8&psc=1

And here is a little piece of information that should help you when you are ready to take the next steps and find your next partner. Female Domme's are in high demand by both genders. Once you decide what it is you actually want I suspect you will find it with just a little effort.

Good luck. And welcome to the Kink Club.

I found the New Bottoming Book (http://www.amazon.com/The-Bottoming-Book-Janet-Hardy/dp/1890159352/ref=pd_sim_b_5) pretty helpful in explaining some of the psychology/mindset behind dom/sub play. Might be something to consider reading if you haven't already.

I've mostly found that it comes down to practice and communication. After a while, it's easier to play the Dom role (if you aren't naturally very assertive).

We've found it helpful to set limits on our play, since my wife isn't really a fan of being ordered around whenever I feel like it -- we aren't necessarily limited to just BDSM in the bedroom, but I still want to respect her as an independent person. If I have a specific scene in mind (something that will take extra time, specific tasks or activities), I'll usually ask if she's interested in D/s play a couple hours ahead of time, then tease her occasionally up till the agreed time. I don't usually do this if we just want rough sex though.

We've also used objects to define the times when we play. She'll usually wear some sort of collar while we are playing, which helps get her in the sub mindset. I've found changing how I dress helps put me in the right frame of mind too. We've also found that mixing tasks into our play helps get her into the sub mindset too. For example, at least for us, a play session might include a couple minor chores around the house that I'll oversee and correct her for if they aren't done correctly (vacuuming, cleaning, etc.), followed by some sort of bondage/sex play and eventual orgasm as a reward.

Hope that helps?

There are play collars, and then there are relationship collars. If you want to buy yourself a collar because it helps you get into a submissive mindset then that's fine. You can use it by yourself or when playing casually.

If you find yourself in a serious relationship then your Dom might want to "collar you" to show ownership and/or a serious commitment. If you both agree to do that then you can continue using the same collar or he can get you a new one.

The only rules in BDSM are in regards to safety. Please don't play with people you don't know. Get to know potential partners by spending time together, meeting their friends, etc. You can ask for references (phone numbers of people they have played with) if you think it's important. Before playing sit down together and talk about what turns you on and what you don't want to do - this is called negotiation. You can negotiate about a specific scene or about the relationship as a whole. While you are talking you need to establish some safe words. At a minimum you need a word which will bring everything to a stop (a lot of people use "red"), but you might also want a pause word (a lot of people use "yellow"). If you search the r/bdsmcommunity archives you will find a lot of great posts about safety, negotiation, and safe words.

You might enjoy reading The New Bottoming Book by Easton and Hardy. It talks about terminology, safety, and how to take care of yourself.

The best way to find partners and learn about BDSM is to get in touch with your local scene. If you make a profile on a social networking site called fetlife.com you can search for groups n your area. You'll probably find that they have meetings or munches (informal meetings with food). Go visit. It's important to have a real world community of support.

If you haven't already read Dar_Syn's Intro to BDSM.

A few great reads for new Doms/Dommes/Tops would be:

"The New Topping Book"

"Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns"

BDSM for Nice Guys this is a really good read to start.

I also have a bunch of links in my BDSM Resource Collection(more stuff on rope bondage), but the Check out /r/BDSMcommunity's FAQ has a bunch of resources as well.

Watching videos from Kink.com can be a good resource for examples of what you can (not how) do along with how to act* in certain situations.

I'd like to point out is that you really should get interested in your local scene, if you haven't already register for a Fetlife account and browse the Novices & Newbies group. There's nothing like learning directly from people that have been doing this kind of thing for years, so get yourself out there.

Now just as a side note. Saying things like "beginners shit" doesn't exactly encourage anyone to help you, try to be courteous and respectful when your asking for help. A great way to get people to actually read everything you write is to split it up into more manageable chucks rather then post the "wall" of text".

Cheers, and good luck with your journey.

So in saying the BD versus the SM, I assume you mean Bondage and Discipline, and Sadism and Masochism. Fun note, the acronym is more complex than most would think, as the DS also stands for Dominance and Submission. So 6 initials in 4! Woo!

Alright, goofery aside, yes, you can be submissive without being masochistic. It really depends on the partners you're playing with, and what you consent to beforehand. It sounds like you're looking to explore. I'd advise you to look around, and meet people before jumping in. BDSM can be a little much if you just jump in feet first.

The advice given out 99% of the time, is to join fetlife, and look around in your area. If you live in a decent sized city (more than 2 stoplights) there's a chance there are groups around you. The easiest course would be to look, find a group that's not too scary, and attend a munch. It's a great way to meet people in the scene, and get comfortable. If it still sounds like something you wanna try, and a scene you want to get in to, you should be in a good position to advance from there.

There are also a handful of books that are worth reading, SM 101 (A little outdated, but has good info still), and Screw the Roses are good ones. I'm sure more people will add book suggestions.

If you want to engage in play at some point, and decide to set something up with someone locally, come back and tell us, and we'll prattle on about all the safety things you should do before your first meeting. But, SM 101 covers that well enough that you should know what to do. Side note: Part of the "outdated" has to do with that, because he talks about these new things called "cellular phones", and how they might be useful for check ins, if you regularly meet up with people. Good thing that newfangled technology never caught on!

1. This is a short read. It's targeted towards the non-kinky friends and family of kinky people to address their questions and concerns about BDSM, and it's written by Dossie Easton who is a really well-known BDSM educator and has written some classic BDSM 101 books. http://www.amazon.com/When-Someone-You-Love-Kinky/dp/1890159239
   
   This is a great read too, and is written specifically for non-kinky guys whose partner is kinky. I'd start here: http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html
   
   
2. Yes! This is actually quite common. BDSM is a really broad field of activities, and the people who are interested in it are all very different and unique. Personally, as a submissive female, I find domestic service (cooking, cleaning) somehow is very emotionally fulfilling to me, but not sexual at all. Same with pain/physical punishment. It's actually very difficult for me to get turned on and have an orgasm while I'm in pain -- a punishment session is a totally non-sexual but very enjoyable experience. I actually really dislike sexual activity during a pain/punishment scene.
   
   Anyways, I very much respect you for supporting her in this way! That takes a lot of strength. Jealousy is totally understandable - like the other poster said it may be beneficial to do some research into polyamory. This is not really what you have going on, but that community has a lot to say about how to deal with jealousy, talk to your partner, and communicate your needs to make sure the activities are building up your relationship and not tearing it down.
   
   
3. The typical term is vanilla. As in, you "are vanilla" or you are "a vanilla person". When Someone You Love is Kinky has a really great passage about how the term vanilla was chosen because everyone likes vanilla! Even BDSM people like vanilla.
   
   Anyways, the best thing you can do is what you're doing -- communicate with her, educate yourself. And remember, BDSM people are all about knowing their limits. You have limits too! There are certain things you may or may not be comfortable with, and you certainly have a right to set those limits as long as you've fully educated yourself in them and taken the time to try and understand them from her perspective. And who knows, BDSM encompasses a vast vast field of different activities. Maybe, while learning about BDSM, you'll run across something that piques your interest or you would be comfortable experimenting with. Most people are surprised to find out that something they're already doing is classified as a BDSM activity!

When my partner and I started negotiating the BDSM aspect of our relationship we both decided to educate ourselves as much as possible on the subject. I would recommend a lot of reading, especially The New Topping Book & The New Bottoming Book as well as SM101: A Realistic Introduction.

Fetlife.com is an online fetish community where you can meet like minded people and take part in discussions, ask questions, etc. We found a lot of great people and resources through Fetlife. There are plenty of groups devoted to mental & physical domination techniques, rope work, and starting out in a D/s relationship.

A search on Youtube for The Knotty Boys will give you all sorts of stuff to practice.

An exercise that my partner and I found very helpful involved me writing a letter to Him expressing what I wanted/needed from a Dom, what I had to offer Him in return, my hopes and fears, and any information about myself that I felt would help us along the way. We refer back to that letter periodically as our relationship continues to evolve.

In terms of experimenting together, I would recommend starting with a Yes/No/Maybe list like this one. You each go through the list on your own and then compare answers together. You start where there is mutual interest and go from there.

Best of luck, and hope this helps!

PS. Whenever you engage in any BDSM related activities you must always be Safe/Sane and make sure they are consensual. You will not be able to have any successful relationships without excellent communication skills, so always be working on improving your communication.

So, a few things: If you're interested in going to events and becoming involved with the larger kinkier community, I recommend making a fetlife profile and finding events. They are the best way to not only make friends and learn more, but to find Dommes too.

If you're just curious and want to try the physical sensations, and if you have the money, you could consider seeing a Pro-Domme. I'm sure there is no shortage of them in NYC, and you'll be in safe hands as long as you do your research.

There's a decent amount of literature (My favorite is The Loving Dominant which I like because of how it addresses the emotional side of D/s. It's worth noting that this book, like most others, kind of assumes that it's talking about a male Dominant and female submissive, but it's still a good resource.

Really though, my best advice is to go to munches and other events, meet real people, and go from there. Good luck!

How did it come up that the bruises were from him? Is it still possible to play it off as you got bruised working out / wrestling / moving furniture / anything non BDSM?

If it's not possible to rectify the situation, give your mom some time to breath. She's reacting instinctively at this point, and needs time to get back to being rational.

There's a book I've never read, but heard good things about, called When Someone You Love Is Kinky. It might be worthwhile for you to read that, and share parts of it with your mom once she's willing to talk.

Finally, the best way to prove to your mom that you're okay and healthy is to live your life. Be happy, be healthy, move towards your life goals and be a good person.

Negotiation checklists can be very excellent for this sort of thing. Find one that’s ridiculously extensive, then you each fill it out on your own, then come together and see where there’s overlap in the things you’d both be interested in trying. From there, you have a whole pool of options so you can go in knowing where the lines are, which can help with having more confidence in what you’re doing, while also giving her the excitement of not knowing which of the things you might choose + proof that you’re just as excited as she is for some of these things.

And while you could dive straight from checklist to play, I’d actually highly recommend “practice” sessions first. What’s great about practice sessions is that the expectation no longer becomes that you’re going to go in and just know everything (which is a very unfortunate prolific trope—albeit highly inaccurate: Doms aren’t born, they’re made); ask if she could give you feedback while you try one of the things of mutual interest, say what feels good/doesn’t, what would make it more intense, etc. Inviting that sort of great communication before you go in for the “real deal” gives you a chance to learn how to better do whatever thing it is you want to do, like spankings, impact, rope, electricity, you name it. And then you can build your confidence and mastery in them so you can bust them out in a more organic, spontaneous way.

It’s great that you’re taking the initiative like this, which does seem to indicate that you might enjoy the kinky side more than you realize. I don’t think you’re doomed, it just sounds like maybe there might be some (understandable, but incorrect) preconceived notions re kink as it’s portrayed in romance novels vs how people become proficient in reality. Happy playing!

Some of My Fav Resources:
Rope: crash restraint, remedial ropes
General/Various: Stefanos and Shay, SM 101
Workshops/classes

I highly recommend the book "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton https://www.amazon.co.uk/Ethical-Slut-Roadmap-Relationship-Pioneers/dp/1587613379.

My copy is signed personally by the author and had been a great introduction. I may not be poly anymore, however this book helped me to navigate poly better.

The essential guide for singles and couples who want to explore polyamory in ways that are ethically and emotionally sustainable.
For anyone who has ever dreamed of love, sex, and companionship beyond the limits of traditional monogamy, this groundbreaking guide navigates the infinite possibilities that open relationships can offer. Experienced ethical sluts Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy dispel myths and cover all the skills necessary to maintain a successful and responsible polyamorous lifestyle--from self-reflection and honest communication to practicing safe sex and raising a family. Individuals and their partners will learn how to discuss and honor boundaries, resolve conflicts, and to define relationships on their own terms.
"I couldn't stop reading it, and I for one identify as an ethical slut. This is a book for anyone interested in creating more pleasure in their lives . . . a complete guide to improving any style of relating, from going steady to having an extended family of sexual friends." --Betty Dodson, PhD, author of Sex for One

> I'd really like to keep using them, but not if there's no way to make them safe.

I really want for you to find a way to use them safely, because I respect your attitude so much, there. Good going.

Also (after wandering away for a bit to consult SM101), if you don't have the book SM101 yet you should get a copy. I just read Wiseman's write-up about handcuffs and it seems there are safe ways to play with them but you have to be extra-careful. Again, good luck and good going!

The Loving Dominant is an excellent introduction to the majority of common kinks. It covers everything from safety concerns on a physical and mental level to glossing over some 'inspiration'. I highly recommend reading.

Jay Wiseman's Erotic Bondage Handbook is a book by the famous Jay Wiseman, it is a wonderful primer on the philosophy behind bondage and covers everything from the kinds of rope/cloth you should use to several useful knots.

Twisted Monk is both a supplier of ropes and (I believe) silks but also has several quality introduction videos to get you going.

Honestly, the best way to learn is by (safe) self-experimentation. Try it on yourself, bind your feed together, try out your new idea for stacking the rope so the knot doesn't bite too much. Always have a pair of safety(EMT) shears.

As far as the kind of ropes to buy, I'd start off with something softer, if you have a decent sex shop in your area I really would recommend going there (with your girl) and talking to a sales person. Nothing really compares to holding the rope in your hands.

What I do when I need to replace my ropes or when I play with a new sub (ropes belong to one sub it's an STD thing) is buy several lengths of 35' then cut it to the sizes I need. With a thicker rope I'll usually go for a few 10's and either a 5 or a 15 (with thicker rope usually the 15) per 35' length. Thinner rope (or line if you're into that) you can afford to go shorter in your lengths. You may also want yo pick up some electrical tape for your ends so you can tell at a glance which length is which.

If you buy from someone like Twisted Monk usually your ropes will be sewn off at the end to prevent fraying, if you cut your own be sure both to condition it properly and to sew or burn the end to prevent fraying.

If you have any further questions I'll do my best to answer.

Oh no offense taken!

As I said, and I'd like to be clear about this, Wiseman does have a lot of great information to pass on to the 'scene. And I have, in fact, not only met the man but talked to him on more than one occasion and read just about everything that he's ever written.

So I don't tell people NOT to read him, I just don't like how he portrays much of the BDSM world. If you see the world differently than him you are just flat out wrong and shouldn't be involved in the BDSM scene. shrugs I'm not the first to make this accusation against him merely attempting to clarify the point.

So, as I stated Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns is typically the first book I suggest. It covers many different topics but none too in depth. This gives an honest and open view on the many different shades of what the BDSM world can contain.


There's also The Loving Dominant as a good read. It focuses on communication and the emotional bonds that are inherent to the scene as well as gives some practical advice in regards to scene structure and daily life of a TPE.

Both the Bottoming and the Topping book are worth reading if for no other reason than to see another perspective.

There's The Control Book which goes a bit deeper into the mentality of each side of the dynamic with a focus on the dom (obviously).

Those are pretty much my go to resources for someone that's new. Beyond that there are all kinds of different books and articles out there but I've always found that with these as a base of information the next step should always be discussion with others. This thing we do is so personalized that I do not think that any one person or author will have THE ANSWER. It might well be the answer for THEM, but rarely will it be the answer for all. So talking to others about the theory of BDSM or the culture of the lifestyle will typically help expand what one knows about it as a whole so they can make up their own minds.

That helps. My wife read The Mistress Manual and got a lot out of it, especially in terms of the relationship dynamic. I never read it (I wasn't supposed to), but she seems a lot more comfortable as the top now.

As for the BDSM play, that's pretty broad as well. Bondage is the only one I've read a lot on. A great rope bondage book to own is The Knotty Boys Show You The Rope.

Of course, there's a giant list of other types of play you might want. Just go to Fetlife and look at the fetishes list. Feel free to come back here for advice.

The one thing every single book will say is to communicate with your partner. Do it. Seriously.

Definitely. There is a wide diversity to the world of BDSM. Sadomasochism is just a portion. The favorite site I use is FetLife as well as many books on BDSM.

I see where some one suggested Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns, this book is written for the sadist and masochist in mind. S&M 101 is definitely a good book as are The Loving Dominant, The New Bottoming Book as well as The New Topping Book.

If you decide to join FetLife, a free website if you are wondering, you may send me a PM for any guidance of the FL site and general help. And no, I'm not trolling since I am definitely a sadist. You're outside of my search criteria. LOL My page is here if you want to get in touch with me.

I hope you find what you are looking for and good luck.

Master Rycharde

Off the cuff I would say you're​ service oriented with an interest in being a slave.

Daddy Dom label does kind of cover the supporting Domination you seem to be looking for. Something on the order of a very conscientious owner. You want to be treated as secondary, to treat him as more important in all things. On the other side I think you want him to bring out the best in you, make you a better you.
Loving Dom, Daddy Dom, service sub and cherished slave, I think are your search terms.

As for a title you two are going to have to come up with something. Maybe a 'daytime' title, something like Mr. (Last name), or just a pet name that has meaning for you two. Then only use Sir or Master for punishment time or when he needs to speak with absolute authority.

You might look at a book like The New Bottoming Book. I found the motivation parts more useful than the what parts.

Labels are odious - even though I've used such in my flare. Labels put people in pigeonholes. There's no such thing as a kinkster, there's no such thing as polyamorist, or a monogamist. There's only people and they're all different, and they change over time.

It comes down to you two; whether lack of kink is going to be a deal-breaker for the rest of your potentially-married life. Whether you having a Dom to play with outside the marriage would be a deal-breaker for him. So you need to communicate. Don't start that communication until you've really decided on your own deal-breakers, because you'll be wasting your time if you don't know what you really want. But if you wouldn't be happy for the rest of your life without kink (and in what might then be a sexless marriage), then certainly don't go ahead in the current circumstances without resolving this one way or another.

Talk to each other. Tell him what you've told us. It's human nature to be short-term, to not resolve long-term issues, to bottle things up to try to avoid arguments. But this will fester otherwise.

If you tell him, prove to him, that you love him, then maybe, just maybe, he might accept you finding a Dom to play with. But not many non-scene partners would be so understanding. It might be you have to split up. But you need to have that conversation.

There is also a third option, which you didn't mention, that is the win-win option - so I recommend it the most strongly. It might be that if you went to classes, or found a mentor for him, that he could come to realise that Domination is entirely possible for 'nice guys'. In fact there's a book written with almost that exact title (will someone here who can remember the exact book please add a link below?).

If he learnt how much this turns you on, and found it in himself, he might well come to enjoy Domination after seeing how much happier you become (and how much better his sex life becomes.) Try to get him to find a mentor. Get him books like 50 Ways to Play: BDSM for Nice People. Get him books from this list: http://soj.org/bdsm-educational-book-list including The Loving Dominant.
Read articles like this one.

On top of verbal safe words, have a set of ways to signal to end the scene through touch. Three light taps has worked for me as they are contrast to the usual clawing and grabbing that happens. This will come in handy with your deep throat training.

I'm glad to hear that all is well. It may seem cliché, but adding a power exchange dynamic to the bedroom may be what is needed to jump start the bedroom; this require that the reason be something beyond communication and trust that is causing a lack of enthusiasm.

Having these anecdotes also helps for showing that BDSM does not have to be the mainstream stereotype. As for your introduction, you may be interested in books such as The Loving Dominant and SM 101.

Along with the two books I recommended, having a power exchange doesn't have to involve pain. One example I use is rope bondage. This does not have to include pain; the removal of physical agency is quite powerful alone. Ropes may be out of your realm but other painless methods are available such as sensory deprivation.

Best of luck.

I started out with something like this. I used Z-line instead of braided cord, but it's really personal preference. Nylon is nice because it's soft and comfy, though it may slip easier than other ropes because it's got less tooth (so some kinds of knots work better than others). The advantage of having a long length to begin with is that you can choose what lengths you'd like to cut from it. 6' and 12' lengths work well for most limb ties, depending upon what you're doing, but you'll probably need 20, 30, even 50 foot lengths if doing more intricate body harnesses. If you're not sure what you're interested in just yet, do a few shorter lengths and then one or two longer ones. Once you cut the lengths to your liking, you can slip some heat shrink tubing over the ends and run a lighter over them a few times to seal the ends and keep the rope from fraying.

I also recommend Jay Wiseman's "Erotic Bondage Handbook" as it not only gives a great overview of a lot of different ties, but also focuses the first 1/3 of the book on things you'll need to keep in mind for safety and comfort. There are things that can go wrong, but it's not much to worry about as long as you learn from the experience and mistakes of people who've been in the scene a while.

Sounds hot :)

(I'm sorry if you've already found this information. Just trying to give you some tips I received when I started experimenting more with BDSM.) If you're researching, you might want to check out some of Dossie Eaton and Janet W. Hardy's (old pseudonym is Catherine Listz) books. The Ethical Slut focuses on Poly, but it has a lot of good info about communication that's pretty applicable to all forms of kink and any other relationships. Both the New Bottoming Book and the New Topping Book are awesome. SM101 by Jay Wiseman is a great read too. These helped me a lot with navigating communication, wants, and needs.

You've got a lot of options here, but it seems like you're rushing things. Based on your description, you need to talk to her a lot more about what's going to happen. It's really important to make sure that you discuss any limits you both have and put a safeword in place if either of you feels overwhelmed or uncomfortable or just plain unsafe. I'd recommend using the stoplight system (green - everything's okay/continue, yellow - something is wrong and needs to be adjusted/fixed, red - stop everything). If you're interested in being dominant and topping, you have to listen to what she says about the scenario. She becomes your responsibility during the time that she's bottoming/submitting. Just because you're comfortable with this doesn't mean that she is or will continue to be. If she wants to stop at any point, you must stop.

If you're serious about this, I heavily recommend doing some basic reading/research on BDSM play before partaking in any actual activities. SM101 and Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns are generally recommended for people new to BDSM. For web reading, I like this site, Leather and Roses. It's got a lot of general information and I like that they separate out the essays and articles based on topics. Definitely read the essays on limits and negotiation, dominance, submission.

If you're not willing to read more about BDSM and feel comfortable talking to her about what you want, how she feels about all of this, and seriously take what she says into consideration, then you shouldn't be playing. Remember that there's no rush and you don't have to do everything the first time around. There is always more time and more things to do. Safety first.

It's not really about controlling your feelings. Feelings aren't really something that are "controlled" so to speak. Rather they occur whether we want them to or not. They are a part of the human experience and not something we should really try to stop exactly.

As to how to react when you do feel them, the answer is really the overly used word "communicate". Don't hide the fact that your feeling that way. Own up to it and look for a way to feel better. Just say "I feel inadequate that you slept with someone else this weekend. Can we..."

And that leads into things you can do about it. This is where poly/open people do a huge variety of different things.

• Put boundaries in place: "You must use protection when having sex with others." or "No having sex with others in our shared bed."
  
  
• Don't ask don't tell: Some people agree to just not really talk about it unless necessary. Some people find that not knowing about it is better for them and their relationship.
  
  
• Tell me everything: Some people really want to hear about it. To help them cope with it and give them a chance to talk about their feelings. It also helps some people to see their partner happy.
  
  
• Ask for something extra: Rather than slapping a boundary on something, ask for something more to help you cope. "Hey after you come home, can you take some time to cuddle with me?" or "I really just need to spend some one on one time with you this week after your date with Sally. Can we do that?"
  
  
• Get some reassurance: Sometimes we just need to hear "Hey, I still really like/love you too."
  
  
• Agree to do nothing: Sometimes if we have feelings but don't voice it, it can feel like we're in a weird limbo. Sometimes it's helpful to say "Hey, I have feelings for you. But let's not do anything different than we already do." to get out of that limbo feeling.
  
  There are a lot of different things you can actually do with your feelings other than keep them bottled up or act in manipulative or negative ways. What works for you depends on you and the relationship you have with someone.
  
  As to books specifically, I've heard "The Ethical Slut" is good. I've yet to read it myself. But I hear a lot of good things about it.

The first thing to do is to disabuse yourself of the notion that real BDSM is anything like 50 Shades. Most of us hate that book, and with good reason - Christian and Ana's relationship is neither realistic nor healthy. If you come in looking for that kind of storybook experience, you will likely be disappointed.

If you're looking for reading on the Dom side, I'd recommend the following:

Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns

Playing Well With Others

The Loving Dominant

The New Topping Book

Also check out the link to r/bdsmfaq posted in this thread. It also might be worthwhile to take the test on bdsmtest.org - it will help you find specifically what you're into, which you can communicate to others.

(A caveat - those books, and most books about bdsm unfortunately, focus on male dom/top/d-type, female sub/bottom/s-type. I'm guessing based on your username you are female-identified. Good news - female doms are in very high demand! Bad news- while there are certainly resources for you, and you can certainly get good stuff out of those books, applicable material may be harder to find - as a bi guy myself, I'm often annoyed at how many rope tutorials involve knots that, ehem, would be uncomfortable for guys.)

From there, I'd look up munches in your area and go to a few. Don't expect any action, you'll just be getting to know people in the community. Maybe you'll find partners quickly, maybe it will take some time - there's a catch-22 for new doms, which is that people prefer to play with experienced doms, but you need to play with people to get experience. But by and large, most communities are very welcoming to newcomers. From there, the world is your oyster - have fun and be safe!

The New Bottoming Book is something that would probably really help her if she is the reading type.

It talks about being a "power bottom" wherein you really are the one with the power, you just kind of put it on loan to your Top to play with for a while.

I also suggest sitting down and talking about activities beforehand. If you are working with someone who isn't entirely sure where their boundaries lie, or if they even like giving up control, the concept of giving up control can feel like a HUGE and daunting thing. The list of possibilities can go on forever, and that element of not knowing exactly what will happen can scare someone off just at a small glance at the idea.

If you narrow that list of possible activities down to things you already know she likes, but add a small power element to them. . . there aren't any curve balls to be afraid of. There is a list of what might happen this scene and a list of what will NOT happen this scene. Anything not on the list won't happen, so the fear of consenting to ANYTHING and EVERYTHING is no longer present.

Add in a third play word along with one for Slow and Stop. Skip. For someone trying BDSM for the first time, having a word that gives them SOME element of directing the scene themselves at first can help them warm up to the idea. Skip works just like Slow and Stop do, but it tells you that whatever you are pressing now isn't working for them, so its time to try something else on the list. Instead of dwelling on it and having it cause discomfort or emotional distress mid-scene, you can go over it afterward and find out what they did and didn't like about each thing you tried.

It's important to note that if there is emotional distress on the part of the submissive, they should use Slow or Stop depending on the severity. Skip should only be used if something isn't sitting right, or just isn't pressing any of their buttons. It isn't causing distress, its just not causing excitement or pleasure. It's not asking for less or for things to stop. . . it's just asking for DIFFERENT things, so there is no need to sound the alarm bells.

Sometimes the Skip word can kind of make things feel like a game of Whose Line Is It Anyway, but if you are both adaptive enough and it works for you. . . sometimes it can really help a scene move on into directions that work for both of you. It's good for exploring through a potential list of ideas without breaking the flow of experimentation with tons of explanation and the guilt of calling Slow or Stop. It also gives the Top a good idea of what their sub is enjoying; they aren't likely to call Skip on the things that are turning them on and delivering pleasure. Once you have a few things you know for sure they like in your arsenal. . . you can start swapping between them and playing with the power they are loaning you.

So, I had a free moment coming home from work and I wanted you to know I didn't forget about this!

I'll start with your specific question first:

Within my circles, it's always strongly urged that, subs especially, seek mental help through therapy or psychiatry as to establish a healthier relationship with their traumatic experiences before delving into an S&M relationship with a partner. The logic behind this is that, like substance abuse, kink can be used as a tool to avoid legitimate confrontation of the source of their trauma and, instead, can actually emotionally link partners and friends to their own trauma. But--I want to place emphasis on this point--understand that kinks can be a healthy way to work on these traumatic experiences as well. The biggest concern for partners in this situation can be the inconsistency of consent from a partner who has faced a traumatic experience and the necessity for persistent communication. This story is an interesting way to look at kink, mind you once again, this is not every case. But, it is important to consider that there is a wide variance of possibilities within a kink-based relationship and that, within any relationship, persistent communication and taking care of mental health within the partnership is paramount.

So, to answer your question: Yes, it is possible that your partner could project these abuses on you. But, more dangerous than that is, without proper care for your partnership and a path upon which your partner can healthily confront her traumatic history, unknown variables can pop up in which non-consent or compounded sexual trauma could overwhelm your relationship without you every knowing it. This is why having a professional available for your partner (and yourself honestly, therapy is fantastic for most instances) could give her an avenue to communicate these concerns to someone who is professionally trained in handling such problems.

I would highly recommend reading Jay Wiseman's SM 101 with your partner as it can help you understand what goes into a healthy relationship in this atmosphere.

I'd like to leave you with knowing that kink, if you find that it is something you end up loving, can be an incredible experience to land yourself within. We have committed communities and many tools to help you learn and understand healthy practices. But, it's incredibly important that you look out for those healthy practices. In the same way that we have couple's counseling and health books for relationships between partners, friends, and family, there are things that must be understood about this world before you go diving in! You don't just fly a plane without learning how to first!

Don't let my wall of text intimidate you, most of these things that I have spoken about are important to being in a healthy relationship in the first place. Some of them are just slightly expanded to envelope kink.

If you have any questions or want books or articles to read, send me a PM.
I hope I've helped you at least a little bit!

Have your friend order him to fill out a Submissive's BDSM Checklist so that she has some idea of what he likes and doesn't like. He may have the idealistic view that a Dominant should just "know," or he may be too embarrassed to tell her directly -- maybe writing it down via the Checklist and not having to say it will be a good starting point for discussion, and he will feel less shy and start talking.

HOWEVER, I would recommend to your friend that if he won't talk about it at all, that she doesn't do anything until he's willing to communicate and own his desires in some way. If he can't communicate outside the scene, he probably won't do so "in scene," and that is a recipe for drama and disaster, as well as possible injury.

EDITING to add that a wonderful resource for women whose male partners have expressed an interest in Domination is The Mistress Manual: The Good Girl's Guide to Female Dominance. Another good (although very heteronormative and directed toward MaleDoms and femsubs, it has great info and exercises, nonetheless) book for beginners is Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns.

Get this book: *Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism -By Philip Miller & Molly Devon.

It's great for couples. It's funny and explains many different aspects of kink. It's a great starting point.

However, I do second the notion that you seek out your local area's kink community. There is likely a nearby munch, which is a monthly (or sometimes even weekly) social gathering at a public 'vanilla' venue like a bar or restaurant.

Meeting real people who practice kink in the real world, will help demystify your desires and hopefully put you on a path to a fulfilling kink-life.

If you're not sure where to find your local kink community, try Fetlife.com. This site has helped create a real online community for Kinksters to connect (it is NOT a dating site).

I still wake up in a cold sweat after having nightmares about yahoo groups chain email threads ....

If you are looking for a good book I highly recommend The Loving Dominant by John Warren. I really think you will find it a great read, full of knowledgeable insightful stuff that is easy to read and pick out what you need from.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/LOVING-DOMINANT-THE-New-Improved/dp/1890159727

Also The Ultimate Guide to Kink is another one I would recommend http://www.amazon.co.uk/Ultimate-Guide-Kink-Tristan-Taormino/dp/157344779X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1383084917&sr=1-1&keywords=the+ultimate+guide+to+kink

Also try hunting down some of the excellent sex blogs that are on the internet. There are lots to pick from written by both Dom and subs and The Dominant Guide

http://dominantguide.com/

Mollyxxx

Here are some resources they might find useful:

SM 101: A Realistic Introduction http://www.amazon.com/SM-101-A-Realistic-Introduction/dp/0963976389

The New Bottoming Book http://www.amazon.com/The-Bottoming-Book-Janet-Hardy/dp/1890159352 can be helpful.

And here is a BDSM checklist http://www.cepemo.com/checklist.html that you can send them.

And this is a very good example of an Activity/Limit list by AeternaServus https://medium.com/p/b6e71d7663be In it, the writer has gone into detail about how they feel about certain activities.

And as a Dom, you might enjoy http://www.amazon.com/The-Topping-Book-Dossie-Easton/dp/1890159360

I hope these are helpful to you.

Also be aware that it is sometimes difficult to verify ages online, even with the help of online verification registers etc. http://www.nytimes.com/2012/06/18/technology/verifying-ages-online-is-a-daunting-task-even-for-experts.html?_r=0

Twisted Monk has some videos that might help you.

Rope-topia

Two Knotty Boys Theres a lot of videos on here.

I have this book, Shibari you can use, and I really love it. It has fantastic directions and photos for tying knots.

Hope that helps a little :)

There are some great intro videos on twisted monk to get you started. I really recommend the complete shibari book. This book has great full colour images that are easy to follow. This book has been a favourite for new riggers in my area because of the ease of use.

Invest in some shears to keep close by as well, never know when you might need them.

Given such a broad question, the answers are also broad.


Read. Lots of good (and bad) books out there that help people figure things out. "The Loving Dominant" is a popular, highly regarded one that probably is relevant for you. You may also want to read books about submission (to see her perspective / answer her questions) and topping / bottoming (if various sorts of kinky play interest you).


Listen to her. If you are the D, she is the s. Her input and needs are your working material.

The New Topping Book - For good general Dom knowledge

The New Bottoming Book - For good general Sub knowledge

SM 101: A Realistic Introduction - Nice Intro Book

Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns - Another good book into BDSM

Two Knotty Books: Showing You the Ropes - Good knot book

Two Knotty Boys: Back on the Ropes - Another good knot book

Erotic Bondage Handbook - Another knot book

Shibari You can USe - Book on Shibari knots

Videos on knots - TwistedMonk

If you don't think you know how to do it properly, you need to tell her a head of time, and talk about how to proceed. Maybe make it a practice before you get deep into a scene. You can always focus on the other kinky stuff that you feel more confident about. Explore safely, sanely and consensually. And means being honest about your skill level.

There are a lot of books out there.
https://www.amazon.com/Shibari-You-Can-Use-Japanese-ebook/dp/B00S46RMNK/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?keywords=shibari+ebook&qid=1572969064&sr=8-1

https://www.amazon.com/Knotty-Showing-Ropes-Step-Step/dp/193116049X/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?keywords=shibari+books&qid=1572969143&sprefix=shibari+book&sr=8-1

https://www.amazon.com/Complete-Shibari-1-Douglas-Kent/dp/0973668814/ref=pd_aw_fbt_14_img_3/191-1189122-4871707?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0973668814&pd_rd_r=3406f48b-63f6-4e69-9654-39f9dc5dd2ea&pd_rd_w=W7vb5&pd_rd_wg=cRP8r&pf_rd_p=6e6afc8a-fbbd-4649-97cf-4e08f5113612&pf_rd_r=7DX6V5JHWKR1S99KCEQ1&psc=1&refRID=7DX6V5JHWKR1S99KCEQ1

Be safe and have fun

There are safety issues with ropes - OP should read Wiseman's Bondage Handbook and SM101.

Leather cuffs, on the other hand, are relatively safe, as long as you don't do any obviously-stupid things, like leaving him unattended.

Clothespegs are great, because you can just fucking cover him in them, with little (no?) risk of damage.

Choose clear or colourless candles and start dripping wax from a good height, so it has time to cool before it lands; you can test on the back of your own hand, and use less height to make it more painful when you've established his pain threshold.

What I'm saying is you need to have a detailed discussion (many detailed discussions) about her fantasies and yours, then implement them in reality. I can't tell you what you're into, or what she's in to, only you can do that. EDIT: this means more than what toys you like... BDSM means Bondage and discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism. There's a lot to unpack there if you're interested in various parts of it.

On a purely practical level, handkercheifs and ties are pretty good for beginner restraints, or you could get some cheap-ish cuff type restraints (I've heard good things about the under the bed system.)

Might also help you out to do some reading and get ideas, The classic intro to BDSM is Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns If you can get your hands on a copy I recommend it highly.

EDIT: added a little to the first paragraph.

There is an amazing book on this subject that gives a lot of supportive advice and insight into this exact situation--The Ethical Slut. My husband and I have both read it as a way to come to agreeable terms on our kinky relationship and to understand polyamory better.

As for the feelings about submissiveness, I recommend reading this book. It helps put things into perspective.

I don't think I can comment on the other issues as I lack the experience. However, if you're not comfortable with your sexuality yourself, how can he be? How can you honestly explain to him that you like that stuff when deep down you feel guilty?

Get comfortable with who you are and what you like, then talk to him. All the best to both of you!

You can be a "dominant kind of guy" and still bottom/sumbit and love it. The 2 are not exclusive. In my opinion it's well worth exploring your kinks and if you speak with those that are in the kink community you'll hear stories over and over about how they have suppressed their desires for years and never had the courage to come out. Now that they have they can't imagine ever going back to vanilla sex. Now you just need a partner who you are open/honest about to explore this with. You don't have to be a part of the kink community to do these things but If that is somethign you're interested in go and make an account on fetlife.com (aka kinky facebook), click on events and find a local munch where there are some local people to speak to and get informed. If you are into reading I would recommend picking up

http://www.amazon.ca/The-Bottoming-Book-Dossie-Easton/dp/1890159352

It's an easy read which brings a lot of perspective into bdsm.

Have you read The New Bottoming Book? It is a good introductory book explaining (at a very high level) what is out there and answers a number of the questions you listed.

It helped me expand into a bit more pain play that I was reluctant to try at first.

Do you like hot lesbian bdsm sex? There is a great comic called Sun Stone available for free as a pdf. It is a fun graphic novel that is beautifully drawn with an incredible plot. If you read through the full thing, it gives a fairly nice survey of BDSM, why people get into certain aspects, etc. It is a bit over the top, but I've read it through a dozen times at least. :D

You've got two options: spreader bars or external restraints (i.e. tie legs to bedposts). There are some convoluted rope ties that would work, but since it sounds like you're relatively new, how about something cheap and easy like this:

https://www.amazon.com/Sportsheets-Under-Bed-Restraint-System/dp/B000VHH5DW

>would have no way to conceal it

Spreader bars don't have to look like spreader bars. Wooden dowel from Home Depot + two eye hooks. Remove eye hooks when not in use, throw the entire thing into a pvc pipe. (or just use a pvc pipe with holes drilled in it). Bam, discrete spreader bar for well under $10.

Although I agree completely with your comments, I'm not sure SM101 would be my first choice for a resource. Wiseman is ...um...a little outdated, and maybe a little over the top. He's like the the Jimi Hendrix of kink books. :) (Good for the time, super influential, but maybe not the right place for someone wondering what the fuss about rock music is. There are more accessible)

I might suggest The New Topping Bookhttp://www.amazon.com/The-Topping-Book-Dossie-Easton/dp/1890159360, and Domination for Nice Guys, as others have recommended.

Well hi there! What's that? Oh, no problem (/points) that away! It's right over there, can't miss it!


In addition to sites such s the one above, there are some great books on the subject, such as "the new bottoming book"


Personally speaking, there's a number of simple things you can do. Devote yourself to service and submission through simple caring tasks. Get him to sit down. Ask permission to take of his shoes, ask permission to give him a foot rub. Ask if he would like something to drink. Ask permission to get up and go get it (small steps, both hands, grace and caution every step of the way)


When you are both in the right frame of mind (men do tend to have obvious signage in this respect), ask him if he has any further use for you.


Don't be afraid to act on your own fantasies!


Don't be afraid to take a break or ask for a slowdown, or even a complete stop!

If you are simply looking for some restraints and not concerned about rope specifically, I really like the Sportsheets Under the Bed Restraint System. Relatively strong, comfortable, easy to set up.