Hey, our circumstances are different but are also somewhat similar and I know that when I made posts in the days and weeks after my breakup, so many people helped me and this is my attempt to extend that to you.

tl;dr of my breakup, I am a 26 year old male, we dated for 7 years, she left me 3 months ago because we became 2 different people.

Now that that's out of the way, I want to talk about our similarities and sort of the process that I've been going through, because I think it can help you. I will discuss the things that seemed to help me the most and recommend some things to get you through the tough days.

My world completely collapsed. At first was shock, I literally had no idea how to react. I didn't see it coming at all and that isn't to say that our relationship was perfect. We built a life together and a future, marriage, kids all of it. I was completely embedded in her family, nephews looked up to me, relatives all loved me, friends loved me. All of it was gone in an instant and I didn't know what to do.

The next week or so was me falsely thinking she must have been mistaken and that this whole thing was just going to be fixed when I talked to her again. I was pretty down, but I was sort of looking forward to talking to her and telling her we could work things out. She seemed confused at first and didn't know what she wanted, and this gave me false hope I guess.

We talked again and it was more clear that it was over, but I still couldn't comprehend what was happening. I went to talk to her with the intension of just talking about what I had learned about us and myself but it turned into begging and crying again which is EXACTLY what I DID NOT want to do.

The following week I felt like I accepted it, at least I thought. I started getting involved in so many things. I was seeing a therapist (highly recommended), playing soccer, going out with friends, reading self-help books, getting into ice hockey, I started p90x, I was planning events like hiking, and generally just being busy all the time. That week was much better, I felt like I was making positive steps.

The next week I hit rock bottom. I got a cold and all of my energy was shot. Finally reality hit and it hit really hard. For about 7 days I can say I was in a dark place, very depressed. I wasn't contemplating suicide, but I felt hopeless. I set out on a plan to better myself anyway I could so I took this time to try and turn it into a positive. I wasn't close to many people in my family and I decided to use them as a crutch for the first real time in my life. I cried to my parents, my brother, my aunts and uncle.

For the first time in my life I needed them and they showed up big time. Being able to break down like that and have someone talk you through it helps strengthen relationships with people you might not think you're close with. People will generally want to help you out.

After that awful week I felt better. I got my energy back and I started to distract myself again. On the advice of my therapist, I began to take more time for myself in an effort to be okay alone. I had made strides at feeling better while busy but I also needed to confront all of those thoughts and try to deal with them. I started to journal and set out to learn more about mindfulness. The journaling was slow at first and felt strange as I had never done it. I have probably written 12 or so entries now and it's definitely helping at this point. Journaling forces you to slow down your thoughts to get them on paper. This is huge and I will highlight this again below.

Mindfulness is still something I haven't done too much. I read a book on the topic and I will continue to pursue this as I read about the science behind it and how it can help a lot with anxiety etc.

This is sort of where I stand now. I am out of that deep depression and panic. There are times when I am overwhelmed with thoughts and feeling very negative about everything but I fight through it as best as I can. We have not contacted each other in about 35 days and even then it was just about money owed for the apartment etc. Am I over her? Absolutely not. I am learning to deal with it and try to move on. There are days where I believe it is over and days where I believe she might reach out to me and talk.

My goal right now? I don't plan on reaching out to her anytime soon. It is up to her right now and not me. I have goals to better myself and that is regardless of if she comes back or not. People will tell me that I need to move on and let her go. In a way, I am and I have, but in another way I have not let her go yet. I am okay with that, I am not going to force myself to hate her to rid the idea of her from my mind. Everyone is different and my plan is to seek happiness being single before I even think about reaching out to her or try dating of any kind. That is just me!

So... here is what I think will help you the most.

1. If you are feeling okay, if for a moment or a day, that is okay! When people say this is a roller coaster, they mean it! I remember my first few days of feeling okay and I freaked out thinking I didn't love her anymore. Sounds crazy but I think everyone has this moment. Just try to relax and be happy that you have a moment to catch your breath.
   
   
2. If you're feeling really down, it's okay to stay there for a bit. Feel those emotions because you won't want to do anything else then anyway. Just make sure you don't stay in that place, call a friend or family member to help you out of it. You can always revisit to let more out later.
   
   
3. Try to remember all of the good things in your life! Think of all the good people, all of the good fortune, everything. You are doing so awesome at life compared to other people. Be thankful for what you have. I know that this is easier said then done but just give it a shot.
   
   
4. Remember that everything you are experiencing and will experience in the coming weeks has been felt by most people on the planet. You will realize soon that every song on the radio is written about this exact situation... it doesnt make it easier but it leads me to my next point.
   
   
5. LISTEN TO TALK RADIO! I listen to sports radio, but if you aren't into that, find something else similar. Don't force yourself down a path of depression by listening to music that you either liked with your ex or lyrics that suddenly make you cry... just don't do it.
   
   
6. Try to get a therapist to talk to. It was the best thing I ever did!
   
   
7. Realize that this is going to take time, and don't beat yourself up for taking that time. Feel exhausted tomorrow because you're doing too much to try and move on, take a break and look at it as a positive step.
   
   
8. Read "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan Elliot. This book was like a close friend that I could talk to when I was feeling down and really comforted me. Please read it. http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating/dp/0738213284/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1415741166&sr=8-1&keywords=getting+past+your+breakup
   
   
9. Live day by day. This is the most important thing in my mind. It's going to be hard but it will get easier if you try. You literally need to only worry about this moment for now. Try to live minute by minute then hour by hour then day by day. Don't let your mind wander to the future. When you are feeling down, everything will seem down, so of course you will think your future is bleak.. its not, it just you projecting your current mindset onto the future. My advice is to try to plan or ask others to plan something different each week. Something you can look forward to. At first it might not be "fun" but it will distract you and then it will be fun.
   
   
10. Forgive yourself. You're going to look at everything you might have done wrong and try to blame yourself for it. Resist this urge. You will look at that one time you finished the peanut butter and he needed a PB&J sandwich and it was all your fault. Of course this is what lead to the breakup! This sounds ridiculous but your mind can do funny things. Try your best to beat yourself up.
    
    
11. Reach out to people on reddit like you have already done. PLEASE PM me anytime you need to vent. I am available on gtalk, skype, and aim and I am willing to chat. It's helped me out a lot to have someone to talk to when I am feeling like crap.
    
    
12. NO CONTACT. Look this sucks... no way around it. You need to get all of the pictures and momentos, anything he gave you etc, and put it in a box and then hide that box. This is interesting for you since you are abroad. Maybe talk to family and have them box that stuff up for you. You don't need to make a decision on what to do with it right now, you can keep it forever or throw it out and burn them. Just get them out of site!
    
    UNFRIEND/BLOCK SOCIAL MEDIA. This is the best thing you can possibly do... have his instagram? Unfriend and block, have his facebook, same thing. Do it for everything. It will only hurt you. It doesn't mean you are giving up on the possibility of being together, it means it won't help you heal right now.
    
    Join /r/exnocontact and get a badge and every time you feel the need to talk to him, make a post and let people talk you out of it. You need to realize that not talking to him is the best thing you can do. It will help you move on, but it also gives him a chance to miss you. He won't want to get back together with someone in your state of mind. The only way to win him back is to try to move on.
    
    
13. Health and fitness... Do your best to eat as good as you can. Take a daily supplement, get your protein. I didn't eat much for a few weeks but then it came back. Go running, walking, biking, anything! Exersize is literally the best thing you can do right now. It will get you in shape and make you look better, but it releases endorphines that make you FEEL better. It's a win win and you have to do it. If you are out of shape, just go for a walk. Take it slow!
    
    YOU WILL BE OKAY.

I have two pieces of good new for you.

First, you're not alone! Plenty of people feel the same way not only about their levels of knowledge, but about crowds of strangers. Vegas particularly sucks for introverts because the casinos make so much noise.

Second, you aren't broken! You have perfectly normal feelings, and you don't need to fix them.

So how do you have a good time at a place like Defcon?

First you just need to understand yourself. You need to know why you feel what you feel and what triggers positive and negative experiences. Understanding yourself is the first step to loving yourself, which is in turn the first step toward others loving you. I highly recommend reading Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking. Once you know what drains your energy and why, you can minimize your exposure to it without feeling guilty.

Second, I can recommend one super easy way to start conversations: compliment people. See someone with a funny shirt? Say, "I love your shirt!" See someone with a fancy badge or a helmet with antennas sticking out of it? Say, "OMG I love that! What does it do?" That guy isn't wearing a hardhat with an LCD playing Super Mario Bros. because he doesn't want to talk about it. :) There are a ton of people walking around DefCon literally wearing their passions on their sleeves, and most will be happy to talk about them.

Finally, if you don't like to approach people, you don't have to. Sit down and let them approach you instead. Take a seat in a chill out area or a common area of the casino. I particularly like the open tables with the stools at the bottom of the escalators up to the Jubilee Tower in Bally's. Just take a load off, have a drink, and play with your phone for a while. People will come and go, and many of them will have cool shirts, backpacks full of tech, or other good compliment targets.

The same goes for the villages. Plop yourself down and look lost, and eventually someone in a white coat will come along to help you. :)

Extroverts really can't appreciate this concept and often get aggressive to whomever claims it (as you can clearly see from the replies to this and other comments you've made) because it is so outside of their world view.

Theres a great book called Party of One: The Loner's Manifesto that has a great quote about this, but I unfortunately don't have it on hand at the moment. Trying to track it down using Amazon...
___
EDIT: Found it. Sorry its so long, but I feel it hits the nail on the head. I trimmed it some:

> Of all the ways in which loners are demonized, one of the most insidious regards our capacity for friendship. The crucial distinction fails to be made between a capacity for friendship, for relationship, and for companionship: the time actually spent in others' presence. Seeing us alone, the mainstream jumps to conclusions: that we have no friends, want no friends, are not capable of finding friends. They conclude that loners are either too mean for friends, or too unlikable. Too misanthropic, too angry to entertain the possibility of kindred souls. Too spaced out, too selfish, inane, inscrutable, withdrawn to attract any even we wanted to...

> ... Of course loners have friends. Fewer than most nonloners have, maybe. But loners, with our extra capacity for concentration, focus, our fewer distractions, make excellent friends. To a few. One, maybe, but a real one.

> But why do nonloners care? Why don't they cheer because the fewer friends we have, the more potential friends for them? They care because they need a universal currency by which to judge us. And friendship is something they all understand. A nonloner need not be smart, skilled, or in any way distinguished to have friends. Sometimes it seems the least distinguished acquire friends the easiest, giggling and jostling strings of chums. Instant collectives. All their lives, nonloners have dealt in this currency...

> ...And based on what they see, they say we lack friends. Thus we lack value. And by this standard alone, the friend standard, our characters are assassinated universally.

> It is all a mistake.

> For some loners, a paucity of friends is a matter of time. There is simply too much to do alone, no time to spare. Shared time, while not entirely wasted if the sharer is a true friend, must be parceled out with care... And time shared, even with true friends, often requires loners to put in extra time alone, overtime, to recharge. It is a matter of energy: As a rule, loners have less for the social machinery, the talk and sympathy. Our fuel runs out. This is what nonloners don't understand about us, what they cannot see. We do not choose to have such tiny fuel tanks. These can be quite inconvenient. They are why we seem rude, when we do, why we seem bored and often are. Spaced-out and often are. Running on empty.

> Not heartless. Not unappreciative. Not fools. We know the rest of the world has big tanks. We know they don't know.

> ...The average nonloner seems able to stand hours and hours with almost anyone. Sometimes it seems they would rather have anyone around than no one. The absence of friends, at least companions, is by their lights an abomination. The result, from a loner's standpoint, is that many nonloner friendships are matters of default. Of convenience. Such high tolerance for company, we might argue, makes for much lower standards. To say loners must be choosy sounds stuck-up -- the very charge nonloners always throw at us --- but regarding friends, it is true.

> ...Nonloners have a set of rules by which friendship is played... Loners play by a different set of rules. Ours is a smaller set. A simpler set. A purer set. Critics would call it rudimentary, unreasonable, skewed. They do not understand that what we have to give is not always what others have to give.

> We care. We feel. We think. We do not always miss the absent one. We cannot always come when called. Being friends with a loner requires patience and the wisdom that distance does not mean dislike.

> Troubles always ensue when assumptions clash, when expectations do not match. Nonloners who wish to be our friends --- and they do, it happens all the time --- arrive assuming that their rule book is the only rule book. We are aware of their rules, just as immigrants come to recognize words in the language of their adopted nations, yet speak their own languages at home. We are aware of their needs. Their idea of fun, their entreaties, their sense of time and how much is enough --- these are all too familiar. Not sharing them makes us outlaws and, before we know it, we are being called bad friends

I have, and handled it quite poorly for more than a year by just assuming that sufficient insight would make me happy and able to handle everything in the relationship. I think the resistance was pretty justified since I was really emotionally withdrawing and we weren't communicating effectively.

There have been a few different threads on this(1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and this is what I've commented previously:

> If you can, I'd suggest trying as hard as you can to not fall into the dynamic of "distancing yourself while counting on meditation to make it easy to eventually bridge the gap." It's definitely true that meditation and progress in insight will eventually help you work through and untangle the issues where you feel distance in your relationships currently -- but in the meantime, that distancing can snowball into much larger issues for your relationships, and with today's goodwill being even more eroded by months of distance. We’d already been distant, and then I allowed that dynamic to go on for about a year while I pursued meditation as the sole solution, and it’s been a long hard road back for both of us. I really wish in retrospect that I'd tried hard to thoughtfully pursue more conventional fixes at the same time as working on the path -- stuff like:
>
> - Setting thoughtful and reasonable boundaries.
> - Seeing an individual therapist.
> - Reading up on attachment theory and trying to figure out how it was playing out in my relationships.
> - Working on more consistently articulating all my different feelings, and getting better at being able to communicate them to others without making those feelings their fault. This is especially important with seemingly contradictory feelings, since sometimes articulating them allows for a mutually acceptible compromise rather than one feeling having to be repressed.
> - If this includes distance in a romantic relationship, then I wish I'd read Wired For Love and Getting the Love You Want much earlier, potentially along with looking into couples therapy.
> - All the stuff around getting exercise, sleep, seeing friends, etc. can really help too.
> - Working with a meditation teacher with experience at integrating life and practice.
>
> Whether you stay or go, there’s a ton of opportunity to use relationship conflict to really grow your self-knowledge and empathy with others. You can also make a lot of progress on the path by acknowledging your conflicting feelings and needs. I’ve felt like the last year of working through stuff left me with a decreased desire for any specific thing, but with a strong commitment to making space for different parts of me to stay in dialogue.

I think the right way to handle it is definitely contextual. Sometimes significant others react like this when a partner is distancing themself, not seeing friends, dropping old activities, not communicating, not taking responsibility for household stuff, etc. The proper response to that is going to involve some degree of refocusing energy towards conventional life or deciding that you want to end the relationship and deepen your practice. On the other hand, sometimes people just become completely allergic to their partner's interest in meditation even when everything else is going right. That's where maintaining your boundaries and recognizing that you're not responsible for all your partner's emotions becomes helpful. So I'd say that it really depends on stuff like exactly how much you're practicing, what the state of the relationship was like before you started practicing, what their specific complaints are, how career/work is going, whether you're exercising and seeing friends, whether you have a good support network, etc.

Did you know that in Korea, people are recording themselves while having dinner? And people are actually paying to watch these videos! Is this another sign of loneliness creeping up on all of us?

According to a study of more than 170,000 people published at the Psychology Bulletin in 2013, the average adult’s network of friends and colleagues have shrunk over the past 3 decades. It’s no wonder many people feel lonelier than ever.

Feeling lonely, however, is not a direct cause of being alone. It’s possible to feel lonely in a crowd.

Loneliness, in fact, is more dangerous than isolation because it increases a person’s mortality rate, according to John Cacioppo, co-author of Loneliness: Human Nature and the Needs for Social Connection.

If it’s so dangerous, how do we fight loneliness then?

Wondering What to Do When You Feel Lonely? Here Are 25 Tried and Tested Tips

1. Just Show Up

Familiarity breeds attraction. A study published at the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that same-sex strangers felt increasing affinity towards each other, after each conversation they had. The same goes for online chat conversations. Don’t be hesitant to talk to people, even if you feel awkward or don’t like them at first. If you’re genuinely interested or curious about others, they’re more likely to reciprocate those feelings.

2. Go On A Solo Date

You know the problem with group and couples dates? The annoying “So what do we do?” and “Where do we eat?” questions. When you go on a date with yourself, you’re sure to go somewhere you actually like and you don’t have to wait around for others to decide.

3. Know The Difference Between Loneliness and Isolation

Loneliness is an emotion, mostly triggered by a sad memory. Unfortunately the brain loves to overanalyze things, so even momentary loneliness can escalate to longer spells because of thoughts like “Why do I feel so alone?” and “Am I a loser no one loves?” When this happens, just acknowledge the feeling and don’t overreact.

5. Watch A Movie

Watch a movie alone or call some friends to go with you—it doesn’t matter. What’s important is you immerse yourself in an interesting story that’ll erase your gloomy thoughts. Watch a chick-flick, or a super hero movie—anything but a tear jerker, really —and grab lots of candy and popcorn.

6. Volunteer

Focusing on the needs of others steers your mind away from sad thoughts. It’s impossible to feel lonely when you’re feeding the homeless, reading to kids at an orphanage, or dancing with grandmas at a salsa class. Helping the less fortunate will also fill you with immense gratitude.

7. Adopt A Cute Pet

A furry cat or dog will cheer you up. The playfulness of pets, plus the troubles (and fun) you’ll experience while training them will make you forget about your troubles. Even a goldfish or pretty parrot can do wonders for your mood.

8. Identify The Cause Of Your Loneliness

“What to do when you feel lonely?”

I can’t imagine how many people have Googled that phrase when they felt the pangs of loneliness. Unfortunately, it’s not the best question to ask. Would you ask a doctor for a prescription before they check your symptoms?

Instead of trying things randomly, hoping one solution will do the trick—losing hope and feeling worse when it doesn’t—it’s better to identify the cause of your loneliness first. If you were previously happy in your own company, what could’ve caused you to feel lonely this time?

Do your friends make you feel lonely? Is it your work or surroundings, perhaps? The cause of your loneliness will clue you in on the appropriate solution.

9. Read Fiction

Please don’t pick a Dummies book on how to stop feeling lonely. Reading self-help when you’re feeling miserable will make just you feel worse. Read a good novel instead. Losing yourself in a good story or identifying with a powerful character will boost your confidence and fill you with a sense of adventure.

10. Take A Bath

Where do good ideas come from? In the shower, right? Taking a nice, long, and relaxing bath is a great way to be bask in your alone time, instead of drowning in self-pity. Ladies, prepare a glass of red, chocolates and magazines. Gents, take a bubble bath ala Chandler by taking a manly boat with you!

11. Take A Random Bus, Train or Flight Off to Anywhere

Taking public transportation to a random location forces you to do two things—be in the company of strangers, and change your environment. Doing this will ward off loneliness and cure your wanderlust as well.

12. Dance (Naked)

Sometimes, we feel lonely because we’re actually alone. So take this chance to do the things you can only do when you’re alone, like dancing naked or jumping on the bed with your shoes on. Doing crazy stuff alone will give you a good laugh.

14. Watch Friends

Okay, it’s now obvious that I love this show! I’ve watched it 5x now and it still makes me laugh. Watch “The One with the Unagi” and “The One With the Embryos” if you’re feeling lonely and need a good laugh.

15. Get Coffee

Go to a coffee shop far from your apartment or office. Then order coffee and sit on the bar, or that big table on the center where you can talk to people. Compliment someone on their tie, shoes or bag. Start a conversation. Don’t worry if you’re bad at small talk, because chances are you won’t see that person again.

18. Look Through Old photos

Prepare some snacks or some tea and canapés ala afternoon high-tea, if you’re feeling fancy. Reminisce the good old days with a friend, your mom or sis. Remembering your crazy antics, and most embarrassing moments caught on camera will fill you with nostalgic memories and drive away loneliness.

19. Get A Camera

Get a camera, then go out and start taking beautiful pictures of things around you. A sunset, a barking dog, or a laughing baby—filling your life with beautiful things can take your mind off of loneliness.

20. Attend Classes For A Fun New Exercise Like Air Yoga, Pole Dancing, Or Trampoline Jumping

The exact exercise doesn’t matter. The point is to get yourself moving, while trying something new in the supportive environment of a group class.

21. Start A 5-Minute Gratitude Journal

It’s hard to feel down when you know that you have a lot to be thankful for. When you don’t know what to be thankful for, just write what you feel. Sometimes, it can help you identify why you feel lonely in the first place.

23. Plan A holiday

Nothing beats loneliness and overwhelm like planning a great holiday vacation. Looking up flights, hotel deals and stuff to do on a random faraway location will boost your spirits and steer your mind off your negative thoughts. You don’t really need to book a trip, sometimes the act of planning for one is enough.

24. Create Something New

Wondering how to not feel lonely, when you actually prefer to be alone? Getting bored is a prerequisite of feeling lonely. And what’s one of the main causes of getting bored? Having nothing to do. So keep yourself occupied! Try a new recipe. Create a scrapbook. Finish that DIY project you’ve been postponing for so long.

25. Do Something Craaazy

Dress up like a tourist, and do all the cheesy touristy things in your city. Eat the local delicacy, tour the crowded tourist spots and explore new locations you’ve never heard of.

I thought you were my SO when I read your post!

I can tell you, as a man, in my mid-30's, who loves to cook (raised in a family of chefs), I get very frustrated with a few things when I'm cooking for a SO. Add in: I'm a perfectionist, lawyer who is a stereo typical "Type A to everyone else in the world (MR. Tough Guy, hear me roar!), but I'm really a Type B deep down inside (Roaring makes me exhausted...)." Over the years, I have learned to settle down, but it took a bit: A LOT of patience from my SO, couple's counseling, and reading a few books.

From my perspective, I want everything to be perfect. (I know, I know. It can't be. Working on that...) I want the meal to be plated and put down on the table exactly when the main / sides finish AT THE SAME TIME. It frustrates me to no avail when everything is on the table, and my SO is walking around the house, NOT eating. &%#%#&*@!!!
(╯ಠ_ಠ）╯︵ ┻━┻ (edit: added /u/spaghettirobotti 's emoticon)

But, I've come to realize that's just the way it is.

What has helped me calm down in the kitchen is my SO talking to me in a very, very gentle way about how I'm a perfectionist and I need to calm the f down. She started with a lot of "I feel ____ when you're upset that we don't eat right when the meal is put on the table." "I love that you take the time to cook, and I appreciate it so much. I want you to know my favorite meals, so we can enjoy them together." "It's been a long day, I'm really craving pasta, but I can't eat it because of our dietary restrictions. I've found nuking it a bit in the microwave gives it more of that pasta mouth-feel." Give him the opportunity to be open with you. I'm sure he looks at it as if he's providing for you, he's doing daily acts of service, and he [REALLY] wants to please you and he's being vulnerable with his food (see below, food is art).

Some other things that have helped me. 1) My SO and I started going to couples counseling. Up until then, no one had ever taught me how to be in a functioning, working relationship. Sure, my parents stuck together, but they weren't in the best place and I didn't learn how to truly be in a relationship until my early 30's. 2) I read a bunch of books... Seriously. I found so much clarity in Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. And I figured out how my SO felt loved with this one: 5 Love Languages. Both of these books had such an impact on my relationship.

I totally get where your SO is coming from. It's like bearing your soul to the world when you cook something. Just like an artist or singer showcases their talent and wants positive feedback. It can be tough for men, especially if at one time he was a professional cook / baker, to put their "food" out there and not get great feedback. I say "food" because for people who take cooking very seriously, it's our art.

Cooking healthy can be very tricky. No one grew up with their Mom teaching them the family recipe for spaghetti squash or cauliflower pizza crust. I have found two books that are amazing in this area:
Daniel Walker's Against All Grain Meals Made Simple, and her other book, Paleo Recipes. Walker's primary focus is to collect recipes for people with dietary restrictions / gastrointestinal problems / allergies. I cook 3-4 meals per week from them. If I want pasta, I'll sub out the squash; flour tortillas swapped for lettuce, etc. But the meals are VERY good (my favorites are the Ropa Vieja and Slow Cooker Orange Chicken). It also has a great spaghetti squash recipe. ;)

I hope this helps. Good luck!

I was younger than almost my entire team, only had 2 others younger than me of a 7 person team. It can be a bit challenging but the key thing to remember is that you were hired for your skills to be a people manager and they are the professionals in their skills.

There was probably someone on that team wanted your job. I tend to acknowledge their desire for leadership positions and ask them if that is what they still want in their career. If so then we make a plan to help make them more marketable for the next role or as my "heir-apparent" when the time comes.

Be humble and let their expertise and opinions be a welcome thing. It is paramount to hear their advice and more importantly to hear why things are done the way they are. People (typically) don't do things without a good reason. Respect that.

Couple other random bits and pieces I recommend to new managers:

This is what I try to do when taking over a new team.

• Review finances (historical (3-5 yrs), YTD and budgeted). The good part is that most of your current year has already been determined for you, so take that time to get the lay of the land so you can hit next year strong.
  
• Outline objectives and priorities from your boss for the department.
  
• Establish 1:1 weekly meetings with all your direct reports.
  
• I like to provoke my new teams to tell me two things in the following areas: Where are we poor/weak? What do we OK but should do better? What do we great at? What would you like to see?
  
  Things I strive for as part of my team as their manager:
  
  
• Do great work consistently.
  
• Be the go to team in your organization.
  
• Be a team and manager willing to push envelopes or create positive disruption.
  
• Protect your team as a manager in all settings.
  
• Reward people by the way they want to be rewarded. Not everyone wants beer. Not everyone wants money. Some people are just happy solving a difficult problem others couldn't figure out.
  
  A few books I would recommend in no particular order:
  
  
• Managing Humans: Biting and Humorous Tales of a Software Engineering Manager
  
• 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
  
• Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking
  
• The Phoenix Project: A Novel About IT, DevOps, and Helping Your Business Win
  
• Writing That Works
  
• Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us

I have always focused my learning on hard skills. I thought this was really all that mattered. Good ideas can speak for themselves, right???

Only recently I realized how important soft skills are in life. Like you, I am also researching communication skills, confidence, persuasion/influence, body language, etc.

Here are some materials I have come across. Hope they are helpful in your journey.

This book was very insightful on building rapport: http://www.amazon.com/Its-Not-All-About-Techniques-ebook/dp/B0060YIBLK

It was written by a guy in the FBI who's job it was to build relationships with all kinds of people. He outlines 10 steps you can use to build trust with strangers. Topics include using open body language, commenting on surroundings and/or personal accessories, asking open questions about them, etc. Many things covered might seem like "common sense", but if you are not consciously using them is it really "common sense"?

And another book that was helpful about body language: http://www.amazon.com/Definitive-Book-Body-Language-ebook/dp/B000SEH9QG/

This was fascinating and discussed all types of body language, what they mean, and theories on why we do it. There is a section on mating/courting body language, which was also quite eye opening. Again, you will not realize the potential until you bring this stuff into your conscious mind. Many of the things we do while communicating we do subconsciously. It is extremely interesting and sometimes quite funny seeing how people communicate with their body.

One other interesting point on this subject is that your mental state affects your body language, which then affects your mental state, etc. If you have unconfident body language, you will have unconfident thoughts. Watch the Amy Cuddy video on "Fake it until you make it". Have confident body language all the time. If you start slouching, lift up your chest and hold your head up high... even if you are hanging around! You will feel more confident as you turn this into a habit. Practice this stuff every day. You WILL get better. Small wins build confidence and you will create a positive feedback loop.

Regarding "how was your summer", maybe try complementing them instead. People love to feel good about themselves. Are they wearing a unique accessory (watch, necklace, hat) or clothing? Say, "Wow that is a really interesting hat!" See what they say. If they don't open up try a follow-up question. I tried this comment and they opened up about where they were from, how they moved here, etc. The hat was really a way for them to communicate their identity. Another approach is the sympathy card... "Hi, sorry to bother you, but I was wondering if you could help me out". Talk about a situation you are in and ask for their feedback. Then branch out the convo based on their responses. Make sure your body language is open, yet confident - do not come on strong or closed.

Female here, but have been in the same boat. Grew up super isolated, so I spent a lot of my 20s on my own and really lonely. Now have several solid friendships, a lot of acquaintances and dating prospects. So, I see myself as a success story. A lot of people on here are saying they’ve given up or feel hopeless, but I’m here to tell you it can change.

That loneliness shit is universal/literally an epidemic at this point. It has a lot to do with how our modern society is structured; hyper-independence is lauded, but actually unnatural. It’s not a reflection on you and your likability or lack there of.

(read “Loneliness - Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection” for more info. It helped me see it wasn’t something inherently wrong with me, but just something everyone experiences. Some people moreso because of practical things like not socialized properly in childhood, lacking skills, etc. It also gives a lot of info of how to get out of the lonely headspace). https://www.amazon.ca/Loneliness-Human-Nature-Social-Connection/dp/0393335283

Also therapy, both individual and group, helped me learn social skills and build connections that got me healthier socially.

(Read “Attached” to learn more about how your style of relating to others may be unhealthy, with guidance on how to improve it.)
https://www.amazon.ca/Attached-Science-Attachment-Find-Keep/dp/1585429139

Basically, a quick recipe is:

1. See the situation as cause and effect, not having anything inherently to do with you as a person or your worth. You’re lonely because of circumstances (that luckily you can control), not because you’re not likeable.
   
   
2. See it as a choice. You’re not helpless. There are things you can do. First, find your blind spots/blocks (with a therapist if you need help seeing them).
   
   Is it: a lack of social skills? You can learn those. Tons of psych articles out there.
   
   A lack of confidence? Start building it through changing your thoughts about yourself (cbt, self-coaching, etc). And figure out things that make you happy and do more of them.
   
   A lot of social (and normal) confidence comes from how others treat us, so if you’re not getting a lot of positive feedback from other humans, get a pet that loves the shit out of you, some online pals, or GET A THERAPIST. A good one will make you feel valued and respected and welcome. Those feelings and that long term connection will build our confidence subtly but naturally.
   
   
3. Go out more and do the things. First figure out what you enjoy, and then find social ways to do it. You could see a movie on your own, or start a movie night at your place. You could play games by yourself, or join a league. You could work on your car yourself, or join some enthusiasts club (idk I’m trying to think of dude things). You could take up knitting at home, or go to a knitting circle. Whatever it is.
   
   
4. Mitigate Expectations - don’t go to a non-primarily-social place and hope/try for a best friend. The person behind you in the grocery store probably isn’t looking for that when you guys exchange a quick comment about the line length. Or the cashier probably doesn’t wanna have a three hour convo. But still chat these ppl up (platonically). Make small talk frequently. Just engage in the world/people around you. It builds social confidence and breaks through isolation in quick bursts. But do talk to people more.
   
   And then when in very socially-focussed environments, see if there’s anyone that YOU find interesting (instead of focusing on whether or not they’ll find you interesting) and go talk to them. Aim for having a good convo and maybe being fb friends. Take it from there.
   
   
   You all got this, dude friends. There is legit hope/resources out there to change, both tour mindset and your situation. I believe in you!

I did this a while ago, and I highly recommend it to anyone who feels the slightest bit socially awkward: make a goal for yourself to make small conversations with a new person for 30 days.

It could be talking about the cold winds of winter while to the stranger next to you at Starbucks. It could be asking somebody at a bar what they're drinking. And it could be asking the somebody on the floor of Best Buy to help you find something, and while you're making your way down the aisle ask them how their day is going.

I say small conversations and not small talk because small talk is usually "scripted" per se, like the classic "How are you doing?" "Fine, how about yourself?" that we're all conditioned to say. At Starbucks, after you mention the weather, ask them if they have any big plans for the day. At the bar ask them what they recommend. At Best Buy ask them if they're watching any good TV shows.

It's all about finding the connecting points, not about making an impression (unless it's a job interview). If there are no connecting points then so be it, you two probably wouldn't be good friends anyways. If the Best Buy attendant and you are both fans of Black Mirror then you know instantly you have something to talk about.

I used to train Parkour, and in Parkour we would do these things called a "dry run" (not sure if anybody else called it this). They were runs you did near the obstacle, or on something else similar to it, but they were safer. Although the movements were the same, the dry run usually was in a safe location, to help us mentally prepare for our full run.

Going out there and challenging yourself to speak to 30 new people in 30 days is much like the dry runs. Don't put any expectations on yourself, instead relish in the comfort that you're probably never ever going to see these people again, and because of that you are free to train safely.

Edit: Two books I recommend you read: How to Win Friends and Influence People, the most recommended self-help book because people of all walks of life are still trying to figure out other people. The book goes into detail on how to be an empathetic listener and why asking questions is the most important thing you can do. The second book I recommend is Quiet, by Susan Cain, which is pretty much How to Win Friend's mortal enemy if it had one. If you're like me and identify as an introvert, you've probably felt self conscious of your tendency to not talk as much as your peers, in Quiet Cain pretty much turns this taboo upside down, as she delves into the psychology of introversion vs extroversion. These two books changed the ways I interacted with others, and gave me some self acceptance and confidence in my temperament.

Building off of this, I think OP can do well in an interview. Given the diversity of your experience (which I am unfamiliar with), you have the opportunity to act confidently in an entry level interview and actually guide the conversation in your favor. Here is an example of what your interview might go like if you can keep things positive.

Interviewer: So tell me about yourself
You: well I am from , currently have lived in for quite a while and currently am studying . I have worked at (list various experiences and the amounts of experience.) I ended up finding the time at most fulfilling because of . (even if it is a clerk job, enthusiasm at low level positions shows that you will have that enthusiasm in your "real job". There has got to be something you have enjoyed in your previous work right?)

Interviewer: Why do you want to leave your current job to come work here?

You: I feel like as much as I have learned, I am ready for more responsibility and feel like I have learned as much as I can at my current job. (not lying, and showing a desire to move up).

Interviewer: We are looking for someone that has skillset, is that something that you have?
You: (important that you don't get nervous here if you don't have it) While I do not have a lot of experience with this, I am familiar with it and a fast learner and will be capable of learning on the job. (A google search of keywords on the skillset requirements is usually good for this)

Interviewer: So tell me more about ___ on your resume.
You: This was an interesting experience for me because I got to do (list what you did). I found this kind of thing particularly interesting because it allowed me to (learn new things all of the time, work with people, work as many hours as I wanted, had a great group of coworkers), which I enjoy doing. (Some things about work are entirely universal, so you can probably find something that works for this).

What you want to work towards is an opportunity to say this, as it has been helpful in all of my more recent interviews "I can do anything you want me to, but I want to get an idea of what you need so I can be the most useful to you". (This communicates everything that is true for you without sounding desperate: You will take any job, you have the ability to pick up skills, and a genuine interest to improve yourself.)

From my experience, unless you are working in a very specific field, most entry level career positions can be done by high school graduates (education inflation, amiright?). So you are not lying by saying you can do anything they give you. So long as you are willing to learn and have an understanding of how to interact with people, you should be fine anywhere you start. Just like JamesTheGodMason said, they are going to pick the person who is more confident, possibly even if the other person is more qualified. This is because even if the person is not ideal, this recruiter has one mission "find someone capable of plugging the hole" and usually by the time they look externally, they only might be looking for 60-80% match of what is actually on the requirements (depending on the role/industry).
*****
Something I wish someone had told me about was developing my emotional intelligence (EQ) and there is a bunch of material on the subject. While this might seem like "soft-science" BS, (and in some cases, maybe it is). It has helped me tremendously in human interaction.

This is the book I started with and is written for the working professional, so it might be a good start. Just don't do the online quiz stuff.. it was kind of a ripoff.
http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Intelligence-2-0-Travis-Bradberry/dp/0974320625

TLDR: Interview is not about impressing the person with your knowledge, but by proving you can interact with people and that you have not lied about what is on your resume. Just have an honest conversation with the person and let them know you have the desire to do whatever they throw at you. Also, EQ helps a lot.

Credentials: 2 year working professional as an IT consultant, tanked my first 5 interviews, then have gotten an offer on every subsequent interview.

Edit: sorry for the weird formatting, don't know what that's about.

Here you go:

The NUMBER ONE thing that helped my BPD tendencies was meditation, which I did as part of getting sober. It allowed me to find a pause between the emotion and my reaction. I still FEEL the same shit I used to - but I do not feel controlled by it any longer.

My favorite meditation teacher is Tara Brach. She posts all of her meditations online and on her podcast. Her book 'Radical Acceptance' was a life changer for me.

I also use a lot of binaural beats meditations (you can find these on Spotify or YouTube, I use the Profound Meditation Program by iAwake Technologies).

I have immensely enjoyed Sam Harris' book Waking Up which is about developing a spiritual practice without religion. He has an excellent podcast but it is expressly NOT about mental health, I just think he has a lot of great perspective to share.

Susan Elliot - Getting Past Your Breakup - this book looks like a cheesy self help book but it was awesome. Really really wonderful exercises. I also got her workbook.

Susan Anderson - Journey from Abandonment to Healing - this book was the first one I read, it was very helpful in understanding the science of what is happening in rejection and abandonment. This was useful because it allowed me to see my reactions were very, very normal.

Vicki Stark - Runaway Husbands - very specific book about men who walk out without warning. This helped me identify warning signs and feel less alone.

Lessons From The End of a Marriage - this blog is from Lisa Arends. Her story is hard to read. But this is the best divorce blog I've ever read! Such wonderful advice here.

Glennon Doyle Melton - First the Pain, then The Rising - I watched this every single day for a month. For a while, it was the only fucking thing that got me out of bed.

Overcomer podcast - hosted by a woman I met in one of the support groups, just lots of great insight on abandonment recovery.

Attached - great book on attachment theory

DBT Workbook - this is a GREAT resource on how to build distress tolerance and skills to face a lot of BPD type issues. DBT was a therapy style designed for BPD.

Edit to add: Forgot the best one!

Pema Chodron - When Things Fall Apart - Pema is a buddhist nun and I absolutely love her. She became buddhist when her husband left her. This book is incredible. So much wisdom! I always carry my Pocket Pema with me, literally Pema is THE BEST! She also has a lot of recorded talks that I find so calming to listen to.

First off, it's totally ok to be vanilla. If you're truly not interested in rough sex, that's totally legit. You shouldn't feel guilty or pressured.

The absolute first step is to talk to her. You've got to be honest and communicative in your relationships, especially on sensitive issues like this.

As far as where to go after that, you have a couple choices here. If you're willing to entertain the idea of rougher sex, then there are resources that can help you. I've never personally read When Someone You Love is Kinky, but the authors are amazing and I've heard good things. You could pop over to /r/BDSMcommunity and get some advice over there. You could get on Fetlife and get advice there. There are lots of people out there who understand these issues really well, and they can help you work through it.

Ask her what she specifically wants you to do, and see if you can imagine doing it for her pleasure, as a service to her. If you recognize that what you see as unpleasant, she finds pleasurable, it might help you deal with it. Maybe you'll even eventually get into it. You obviously have some serious issues with violence, and maybe consensual and loving play with the appearance of violence will help you process it. But maybe not.

If you decide that you just can't give her what she needs, you've essentially got three choices:

You could see whether she's willing to give up the idea of rough sex. If it's just a passing fancy, that might not be a big problem. If it's a bigger part of her fantasy life, however, it might not work so well.

You could also break up with her. Sexuality is really important, and it's not shallow to break up with someone for sexual reasons. I get the impression you don't want to do that, however.

The final possibility is that you could discuss ways she could get her kinky needs satisfied without your involvement. An open relationship can go a long way towards fixing issues with sexual compatibility. There are a whole range of possible relationship designs that might work better for you than ordinary monogamy. On one end of the spectrum, you might find that you two take to polyamory easily, and just go all the way towards openness. On the other end, you might be able keep a lot of the normal structure with a couple tweaks. I know a lot of people who are generally monogamous, but who are allowed to engage in BDSM play under certain conditions (nothing involving genitals is a pretty normal rule, but you can choose the rules that work best for the two of you).

If you decide to go that route, come talk to us in /r/polyamory. The two best books are generally considered to be The Ethical Slut and Opening Up.

The best way to learn is just go out there and talk to people as much as possible, but if you want to read, Harvard Business School books are pretty good for that. You might be interested in their set on Emotional Intelligence. Check out their other books too, though.

I personally learned the most from Getting to Yes, a book by a Harvard team about negotiation. This is sort of far from what you are asking about, but it actually contains important general advice about talking to people. Before reading it, I was extremely skeptical of any sort of self-help book or learning about social skills from books, but it is really quite good.

Two random thoughts from my own experience:

1. After my PhD, I decided to improve my social skills. For parties, what helped me the most was improving my story telling game. You want to have conversations that are easy to join (and leave), rather than 1-on-1 conversations asking people about their day. Look for stuff online on how to tell a great story. Make your material relevant to the type of party (unusual historical stuff related to the news, but not in the too distant past, is a good bet). Contrary to some online sources, you shouldn't attempt to monopolize the attention by trying to be a riveting orator. Instead, make sure to let other people react. If they say anything interesting or insightful, point it out enthusiastically. Look for reactions by other people who are listening, but seem shy, and encourage them to participate.
   
   
2. People always talk about how early thirties are a big social filter where you risk losing touch with your old friends because everyone is getting married, having kids, etc. One thing that worked for me is show genuine interest in people's big life changes. For example, whenever I hear about a baby being born, I write the new parents a nice letter. Most people love that and are very touched. You also learn a lot about babies, which I think might come in handy if I ever have one.

First off, it's really great of you to be sensitive to your friend's feelings. It's awesome that you know what you want and are safe about it.

There is no shame in being into BDSM! Of course, different people react differently to the knowledge that someone they know is on the kinkier side of things.

Here have been my experiences. I was raped for several years as a kid. As an adult, I'm very into BDSM (I really don't think my past experience had anything at all to do with that, it's just how I am). I won't go into the details of my preferences because that's not relevant here, but I'd like to share what helped me explain my lifestyle to those around me.

Earlier this year my dad found marks and bruises, which led to a lot of questions. He wondered, did this have anything to do with my experience as a child? Was I being abused by my partner? Was this related to my struggles with self-injury?

I explained things as best as I could. I'm in a loving, safe, consensual relationship. There is a lot of trust and communication between everyone involved. What I do fulfills me and makes me happy. Finally, I got him this book, When Someone you Love is Kinky. It's a great introduction to those who are more on the vanilla side of things.

If your friend is intelligent and perceptive, then it sounds like she'll understand. Sometimes our feelings don't always align with our thoughts, but sometimes being confronted with things that you know are okay but make you uncomfortable is a great way of pushing past that discomfort. It can lead to greater contentment overall, facing those feelings.

I wish you and your friend the best!

> Customers of hers blame her (her company representative) for things that are out of her control - things that other people in her company did. Lately, sometimes they yell at her.

First, I’m here to listen and all that.

Second, ask, “why do you think that happens?”

Third:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0345410033/ref=mh_s9_acsd_simh_c_x_3_w?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=mobile-hybrid-10&pf_rd_r=DEMVB1ZMZE1NMV9E6XYM&pf_rd_t=1201&pf_rd_p=71d72ce8-46f3-4412-8776-d8cede792a85&pf_rd_i=283155

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B078Q463RB/ref=sspa_mw_detail_3?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Fourth: encourage her to be more assertive and give her positive reinforcement when she is more assertive.

The hallmark of an abusive relationship is someone who is afraid of helping their partner become more assertive, and even punishes assertiveness. You want to build her up and support her building that aspect of herself up.

I think a lot of these kinds of problems are caused because of lack of boundaries at work, which are themselves permitted because the employee lacks assertiveness.

“Insubordination” does not have the same definition in civilian employment as it does in the military. “Scrub the toilets with your mouth, that’s an order!” doesn’t result in imprisonments and criminal punishment following refusal. Further, termination for refusal is a basis for collecting unemployment.

Be terrified of the boss that’s nice to you. They don’t need you. A chihuahua barks louder and more often than a Czechoslovakian wolf dog. It’s called overcompensating. They are aware of how important she is in the role she’s occupying. They are threatened by how important and vital she is. So, defensively, they want to at least make her doubt that and even believe that she’s incompetent or sub-par, to shatter her confidence and keep her in place, or at the very least, feel like they’re squeezing her for every last drop of work she can produce in an hour.

She needs to put what’s happening to her in context, and also think about if this is something that can get better ... or if this is a toxic environment she wants to eventually plan her escape from.

end psychodrama

That was all psychodrama. When people complain to you, they’re looking for comfort, not solutions to their problems. They just want to fee like someone cares enough to listen, support them, agree with them, and offer them a sound board and narrative that makes them feel like the victim ... with suggestions that might help them find the strength to no longer the victim anymore.

> She's had to work after normal work hours on multiple occasions the past few weeks due to time zone differences.

Meet her after work on some of those days. Have her favorite sweet stuff and coffee or tea for when she gets out. Drive her somewhere so you guys can relax, or straight home so she can collapse without having to worry about taking public transportation or staying awake to safely drive home.

> It's caused her to be stressed out even when not working.

Help her not think about work when she is with you. Life is full of stress. It will always be full of stress. It will always have important things that warrant our anxiety and attention. But none of those things has to consume us 24/7. An extra 4 hours of being on our mind is not going to help us change or get rid of the problem right now or tomorrow.

Imagine a computer or your phone. Imagine it’s running stress.exe and worrying.exe in the background ALL THE TIME! From time to time, those applications throw out unexpected pop ups and consume your whole screen. You can’t play games or watch videos. Your computer is too slow to run other programs. You’ve basically lost your computer.

Well, that’s your life. And if you don’t set boundaries for yourself and allow yourself to enjoy a few dedicated time for yourself each day ... then life is just going to pass you by, and you would have been nothing more than an organic biological worker robot.

I know it’s hard, but I’m here to help. And we’re going to start by going to ____ this weekend (or tonight). And I want you to try and be present, stop punishing yourself and being a Debby downer, and give yourself permission to .. at a minimum ... relax. You don’t have to have fun, but at a minimum, I want you to give yourself permission to de-stress, relax and unwind. Do you think you can do that?

> She doesn't enjoy or feel fulfilled by what she does even when it's not going this badly.

Of course not. That’s your mind telling you, “this place is toxic and making me feel emotionally burned out, there are no positives here, why am i still here?”

Would you still feel that way if you were able to set boundaries and be more assertive? If you find out that the answer is yes, then, you know that you have to start coming up with a plan to transition out of there.

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I got this for you. I know it’s just paper, but it’s scientific. Try using it as often as you can remember to. If you do, maybe it’ll just end up being a planner for you. But there’s a chance that it may help you discovery and clarify what makes you feel good, and what things you actually enjoy. Fun and happiness, those don’t really exist in the way most people think they do. But feeling positive and things we enjoy, although basic concepts, those things are real and more easily identifiable. Because of that, it’s clearer for us to know which direction to take more consistently in order to increase how positive we feel and how much time we spend enjoying things.

I found psychology books were the most helpful for me, in particular I like Nurture by Nature. As much as MBTI is a sham, this book doesn't really try to place everyone into a little box but tries to explore the differences between personality types as it relates to parenting, using the MBTI more like reference points and understandable words than prescriptive categories.

Another good book that is interesting, though I don't agree with a lot of it, is Games People Play. This is just an interesting look into the psychology behind social interactions, it's a bit too prescriptive for my liking but it's a good resource for broadening your thinking all the same. Not really a parenting book though, but it does still explore ideas that are useful to know for parent-child interactions and a view of how they change as a child matures. Honestly, the theory at the start was the most interesting part of the book for me rather than the actual 'games'.

Not to be rude or anything, but I've been a dog walker and trainer casually for a while and honestly, positive reinforcement dog training advice is surprisingly useful. Zak George in particular is great for teaching puppies and younger dogs, and a lot of the reasoning behind why the training works is applicable to babies and toddlers, especially due to the similarities because of a communication barrier. So if you want a tongue in cheek 'parenting' book I'm sure there's something available down that avenue as well.

First of all, you will be OK. Anything you feel is completely valid. Do not, under any circumstances make any life-changing decisions right now.
I understand the pain you're going through. It's not the most helpful thing to hear when people say "Move on," or "there are plenty of fish in the sea." Your situation is extremely difficult, the loss is excruciatingly painful. It does take time to recover, and I can vouch that it gets easier with time. My ex (of 2years) left me 2 months ago. Feeling alone is something that will eventually subside, but remain active as much as you can. Staying still/doing nothing will only give you "free time" to think about your ex. As for advice on what to do now - I recommend the following:

1. go cold turkey with communication. Do NOT call, text, email or whatever you can creatively do to communicate with her. If you have problems facebook stalking (social media stalking) then give your password(s) to a friend you trust that won't mess with your account. 2) I highly recommend you read Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You (http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating/dp/0738213284#). This suggestion sounds really corny/silly, but after reading it, it really help me figure out what needed to be done. 3) Focus on yourself. Do things you like to do. Visit r/getmotivated. Really uplifting/motivating stuff. Personal favorite: Focus on the things you can change and let go of the things you can't. 4) Go to the gym. Make a routine out of it. Don't know where to start? Go to your local store and look at men's health magazines or buy a book/dvd to help you get started. 5) Talk to your friends about how you're feeling. Keeping it bottled up inside won't help you. It may even drive you further to try to contact your ex. 6) Put anything that reminds you of her in a box, and place it somewhere you will not be tempted to look at it or its contents. Give it to a friend if you have to. 7) Go out and mingle. Meet new people. 8) Writing in a journal is therapeutic. Drawing/coloring works too. 9) Remain active. Keep and or make schedule so you are constantly busy. 10) Eat healthy food. 11) learn to love yourself. 12) karma's also a bitch. She'll get her just desserts one day, and when that happens, you'll be in a better place. I hope this helps man. Hold on, you're in for a bumpy ride, just know that you're not alone. TL;DR: Go cold turkey. Focus on yourself. It'll be OK.

This is going to get buried under the shitload of answers you are getting, but I hope you see this, or that it'll at least help someone else.

I've had this problem for a few months now : even hanging out with friends, I was losing the capacity of having a conversation. I started talking more and more about me, and the more I talked, the more I felt like a douche. So I took steps.
First, I started asking more questions about the stories people were telling, refraining myself to tell my side of the story, my view of the story, or just my story ('cause this behavior sucks ass). For a while, it was getting better, but it didn't feel natural.

After an evening at a friend's place, where we had a closeup magician doing a show, I realized that it was not only about what I was saying, it was about what I was thinking that made me feel like a douche. This guy, this magician, was so charming, so fucking captivating. It was my first time experiencing closeup magic, and I was just sold. After the show, I went and asked him how he was doing it. Not the magic tricks, but the social tricks. He told me that he read lots of books, and that basically, he was convincing himself before each show, to be who he needed to be. He was acting, he was playing a fucking nice guy who didn't give two shits about himself but only cared about others. And it caught on, became more natural. He mastered this skill, and went from doing magic shows all around the world (even Vegas) to giving conferences to leaders on how to be better managers.

After reading some of those books, and doing a bit of research, I understood what he was saying : Fake it until you make it. I actually discovered through some TED talks (amazing stuff) that you can fake it until you become it.

From my point of view, there's a couple of skills to master to become a good conversationalist. Body language is very important : to understand the body language of others to better adapt yours and be seen as non-threatening. You have to understand the science of influence, and how humans react to interactions with others. And to become a master at it : you have to be sincere. You can't fake honesty 100%. Somewhere along the way, your body language will screw you, or you'll slip and people will understand that you are faking it. That is why you have to become a character who doesn't fake it.

Here is the list of the books and videos I read/watched about those skills. Some where recommended on Reddit, others I just found them. The books are sorted by most important in my opinion. And even if I bought them (thrift or not), you can still find all of them online.

• Videos
  
• TED Talk : Body language and the power of the hands
  
• TED Talk : Fake until you become it
  
• TED Talk : How to manage your stress (when talking in public)
  
• TED Talk : How to speak so people will want to listen
  
• The Science of Influence
  
• Books
  
  
• How to Win Friends and Influence People - Dale Carnegie
  
• What Every BODY Is Saying - An ex FBI agent's guide to speed reading people - Joe Navarro
  
• Influence : Science and Practice - Robert Cialdini
  
• It's Not All About "Me": The Top Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone - Robin Dreeke
  
• Yes!, 50 Scientifically Proven Ways to Be Persuasive - Noah Goldstein, Steve Martin, Robert Cialdini
  
  
• Phil Hellumth Presents Read Em and Reap - Joe Navarro, Marvin Karlins, Hellmuth Phil
  
• The Definitive Book of Body Language - Barbara Pease, Allan Pease
  
  Hope it helps.

>Furthermore I just don't know what my purpose is. I don't have anything to work towards, I don't know what I want in life.

Welcome to adult life, the realisation that this is it. You have to make your own entertainment, set your own goals.

There is a massive difference between depression which is an illness and a general disillusionment with life. The first should seek medical help the second is just life, get on with it.

I can't answer to the first but the second, well I have some experience. Get a hobby, preferable both physical and social.

You have three beasts to satisfy.
The intellectual, the social and the physical.

Intellectual is easy, read a book. You were a student reading should come naturally. This time do it for entertainment and enlightenment. (I find that they are often the same thing)

Physical is so very important, we are intelligent animals but we are still animals. We need exercise! it's good for our health and mental wellbeing. Go for a walk!

Social is more tricky, picking up a book is easy, going for a walk is easy. Finding a social group is way harder. Those lucky people that have large social groups just seem to fall into them and don't appreciate their good fortune.

The good news is that it's just a skill and skills can be learnt. You learn them from reading books, see that's the first thing I mentioned.

Welcome to the world of self-help books. There is a lot of dross in this world but there are gems to be harvested from the shitpile.

First on the list is a classic. How to win friends and influence people. LINK if you find it useful, then there are several others from the same author.

TLDR: Read more, talk to people and go for a walk.

Not too late at all, I'm so pleased you have decided to participate this year.

Sometimes accomplishments aren't big or memorable, even if you didn't do anything life changing this year I'm sure you accomplished things in your daily life - getting good grades for example, making your parents proud, being there for a friend, facing a fear, overcoming a hardship, and so on.

I think it can be helpful to plan out how you are going to achieve your goals. So...

1. For goal 1, you'd like to gain weight and get stronger. How much weight would you like to gain? How are you going to get stronger? Maybe you could go to the gym x times per week? Or do x amount of deadlifts/bench press (or whatever it is, I don't know anything about lifting haha).
   
   
2. Goal 2 is to be more confident. There's loads of threads and subreddits about confidence, as well as Youtube channels such as Elliot Hulse and Robin Sharma, and books such as How to Win Friends and Influence People.
   
   
3. I think if you achieve goals 1 and 2 you will stand a better chance of achieving goal 3 (to get into a relationship). And goal 4 (getting your life together) will be a combination of all of your goals.
   
   
4. Find out what you really want. So I assume since you said A-Levels you are from the UK (me too) and it seems that you're either in the last year of college or in year 11?
   
   What subjects have you chosen to study in college? What decisions are people trying to push you towards? Maybe writing it out here will help to organise your thoughts. I recommend taking a few of those online 'career decider' quizzes, I think Ucas do one. They're surprisingly helpful!
   
   It's great that you are travelling to Indonesia and will get to experience new cultures, but I recommend that you don't go there with an expectation to 'find out what you really want'. It's just that I've seen many, many people my age (22) do the same sort of thing and they come back with more confidence and lots of great stories and memories from their trip, but it didn't really help them in deciding on a career path. I think it would be beneficial to speak to a careers advisor at college or spend lots of time researching possible careers online.
   
   Well, that's all for now! Hope it helped :)

Dudeee. You should get this:

Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/1592408419/ref=cm_sw_r_other_apa_i_W2IFDbN5244EH

Love is worth it imo. Being vulnerable to become a more complete and your confident self. Confidence doesn't mean being all 'up' and in high spirits all the time. The whole not opening up thing is the same as me tbh. I've had some potential great friends down by being flighty and not opening up when I needed to. I had quite a lot of friends back when I attended church. Again, it's that 7's fear of negative mental states. Although, luckily, I do have a few best friends (two to be exact) who I can count on during anything.

Also you ever been to a psychologist or therapist?
This last psychologist that I connected with was one of the best experience I've had and she had taught me on becoming more vulnerable. She really listened and understood me. I had a great chemistry with that woman even though she was like 10 years older. Not to mention she was easy on the eyes ;) I told my feelings towards her (she was one of the psychologist/therapists I've bonded with), before she had to take leave due to going on a break lol. So that 'connection or 'chemistry' is out there somewhere. It's just a matter of finding it. You and I deserve the best in life. I wish you luck in your journey :)

I apologize in advance that I tend to go background then point instead of just straight to the point. Also this is going to be long with tangents because that's the only way I know how to speak. I don't write or think in a linear format.

Hmm. I'm typically the opposite but I no longer have friends (they all faded away). I spend half of my week with my SO and half at home where I live with my parents and pets. I work remotely. I'm almost 30. Also, bare in mind, I have anxious-preoccupied attachment, as I recently learned from the highly recommended book, Attached (Paperback Kindle ).

Warnings aside, I think I can still provide some insight into possibly what night be going on and in my personal experience as a person with an INFJ personality.

She might feel like she needs to invest a lot of time and energy into other people. Maybe that's where she gets her perceived or internal value from. We tend to try to resolve others' issues and keep peace or maintenance/harmony going. She may be externally focused on others to hide from things she doesn't like about herself or hasn't forgiven herself for. She may have a strong "I don't want to miss anything!" feeling/current need. If something means the most to me, I cope by avoiding it. (Eg replying to an important email) I feel like I need to give my subconscious time to process it before I can properly act.

I also have a need to look externally and see what others think and feel about something, anything, before I know my opinion. I feel the need to be "properly informed." Whether that means validation - I'm not crazy, its okay to feel this way or do that. Or, "okay, others think that way. Hmm, not exactly how I feel. That's interesting that I don't agree so now I know."

My thinking happens without me knowing it. I rarely know my thoughts. I am unable (as of yet) to speak my thoughts. I have to write or type them. And then, I don't know them until it's out there.

I am always amazed when someone notices that I'm feeling off. My SO picks up on it right away and is all "what's wrong!?" I don't know at that point or I don't want to get into it for whatever reason. I don't want to say something that comes out inaccurately and then it's a mess. I used to not know when I was stressed unless a friend told me.

I rehearse my thoughts until I can get the best wording. Misunderstandings are the bane of my existence. And if I could have prevented it? That's the worst.

We're prone to perfectionism, especially in ourselves. I have rarely lived up to my own standards but I've come a long way since I was a kid on this. If I disappoint someone or there's an inkling, I am in pieces internally.

We are very good at figuring out others (a good number of those in psychology and social work see INFJs) and are interested in figuring out ourselves but lack the ability to put things into words when it comes to our emotions.

Have you tried emailing her? I suggest that over chat so she has time to process and respond. I'ld be willing to read it over and recommend possible word adjustments if you'ld like. I've had plenty of practice taking what someone writes and turning it into what they might mean. No worries if not though.

I hope this helps! :) I know I branched out a lot. I apologize for that. I hope at least some of it was insightful.

Despite being complete opposite styles, anxious-preoccupied/avoidant-dismissive is actually one of the most common pairings when it comes to insecure attachment. You'll find that much of the literature speaks about these relationships discouragingly (anxious-preoccupied individuals are often advised to steer clear of avoidant individuals), but please don't let that get to you- it is certainly possible to move towards a functional relationship so long as both partners are interested in making an effort.

Most everything I've read on the topic is an academic book/article and would be difficult to understand, but I scoured the internet for anything that looked promising and found a few articles I find to be both accurate and suited to real-world application.

I love this short piece on understanding avoidant-dismissive attachment style, especially the suggestions for how to work towards becoming less avoidant in relationships.

This does a pretty good job of explaining anxious-preoccupied attachment (sometimes referred to as anxious-ambivalent attachment).

This article on making the anxious/avoidant relationship work has some good stuff if you also follow the links to the pages about communication and healthy relationships cited at the end of the article.

Although I have not read it myself, Attached comes highly recommended and I recognize one of the authors (Levine) as a researcher in the field.

Let me say that if your goal here is to address potential relationship issues with your girlfriend, I really suggest that you both read up on each other's attachment style- understanding each other's needs is just as important as understanding your own.

Please feel free to message me if you have further questions after reading. I'm by no means a substitute for speaking with a professional, but I do have other suggestions/helpful resources at my dispense depending on the nature of any specific problems you may be looking to address. Best of luck!

If someone wants you to change fundamental aspects of your personality and appearance in order to be acceptable to them as a partner, you aren't compatible. Don't force it. I got a piece of advice before I was married (forget where--maybe the pre-marital counselor): Look at your partner. Know that it is entirely possible they will never change. They may, but it's not guaranteed and you can't force it. Will you take this person to be your partner, now, with all their flaws, and not plan on changing them later? Love them for who they are?

I suppose in a way it's good that he's telling you this now, rather than trying to change you after a wedding. He's being clear that you, as is? Aren't what he's looking for. You can either go to therapy and the gym to change who you are for this person, and hope that's all on his list of your shortcomings, or send him on his way so he can find someone who already fits his checklist. (NO shame in a checklist, I had one for a partner, but not as an ultimatum list--more like a checklist for potential dates!)

That's not a judgment of you and your worth. High five for a fellow introvert who saves the emotional demonstrations for close family and friends, and works in the garden instead of the gym! You are fine as you are, and there is someone out there for you who also doesn't enjoy crowds, will think you're an awesome mom to your kids, and won't dictate how you should be spending your free time. Who will love your body the way it is, or figure out a way to keep fit with you instead.


I highly recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/Its-Called-Breakup-Because-Broken/dp/0767921968

It saved me from an abusive relationship and helped me stand firm in my own worth. Easy, fast read that will change your life.

An important part we might forget is that a lot of communication is nonverbal. You can say all the right words without realizing your body is saying something very different. Consciously or not, the person you are communicating with is getting a lot out of that.

You can say 'I like you', but if you stand back while you say it, that's nonverbally saying 'I don't like you.' People are used to the nonverbal communication being the more honest (since its mostly subconsious) so they assume that is the truth, even when it isn't.

For an intp, if they're anything like me, sometimes we're pretty oblivious to how we're standing and what we are saying through gestures, postures, touch, etc and might not be realizing we're having an entirely different conversation with body language than the conversation we are having with words.

SixFeetThunder is right about /r/seduction helping with this stuff, whether or not you are interested in using it for flirting/dating/sex there are a lot of resources there by people who didn't really 'get' certain parts of communication, socialization innately and had to think about and analyze it and learn how to communicate better.

I also recommend How to Talk to Anyone. Also, 'How to win friends and influence people' is the standard/classic book on the topic, which is worth reading, but a lot of it was tough for me to get through since that guy set off my BS meter to no end. Pretty much the same tips as the other book. He had good tips, but I hated reading him talk about how impressive his tips were for pages after pages with examples of how they totally turned around Mary Sue from Wisconsin's life. I wish he would stop telling me how great his tips are, and just tell me what they are, I'll decide if they're great.

I hate typing out a long comment and not getting a reply, and you made some good points, which I'd like to respond to. Since I'm middle-aged and male, I have a unique perspective on this issue, and I also want to share that. First one, then the other.
 
First and foremost, despite being married to the love of my life, whom I have known for over a decade, and who has allowed me to be "plugged in" to a social network of peers who I would not have the pleasure of spending time with otherwise, I am incredibly lonely. I don't think I'm alone on this...I think most people who spend time on message boards and platforms like this are. You posited that the article says It's dangerous for a man to reveal his vulnerability in this regard. Well, I'm not worried about consequences here or elsewhere, and I think this point misses the mark a bit.
 
Being lonely often drives you to behavior that increases loneliness. I read this first in this excellent book. The article says this, too: you are more self-conscious at social gatherings because you think that people don't like you. Kanye West said it better in song. Put simply people who fail to make connections with others tend to be very good at not making those connections. I think this is because they become needy, which is an extremely unattractive quality, especially if you are male.
 
You wondered if shut-ins were isolated because of poor health, and I think your emphasis on "which way the causal arrow points" misses something very important: people who have risk factors for poor health tend to be in better health than those who are socially isolated. Malcolm Gladwell's "The Outliers" starts with a neat anecdote to illustrate this point: an epidemiological study of transplanted Italian immigrants shows that they have almost no history of heart disease. Several hypotheses are tested, but none of them hold up. Do they exercise more? Nope...and they smoke like chiminies. Do they eat better? Their diet consists of fatty foods and pastries. Is there anything exceptional about them? Yes...they kept their language and culture intact by spending time together. Gladwell is trying to make a different point here (that outliers can be instructive in challenging how we think about success), but I think the example is illustrative, just the same.
 
Lastly, I want to quibble a bit about how you receive the author' s argument that loneliness is due to "poor socialization." You may not have a strong opinion on this, so if I'm putting words in your mouth, it is not intentional. I'm trying to tease out a larger point and I think I'm going to approach it by talking about some of my experiences below.

***

This is the part where I talk about my experience. It is going to contain a few asterisks points that I won't elaborate on, unless you or someone else has questions. It also serves as a handy list of "reasons I will never work at Google."
 
Now then:

• In my experience, women tend to form closer and more intimate relationships than men. (That is, the women in my peer group are much closer than the men.) I have no idea why this is, and I'm not really interested in the reasons. I'm happy for them, even if I wish I was closer to my male peers in my social circle.
  
  
• In my experience, the women in my peer group have much more turbulent and drama-ridden relationships. I know two women who are not talking to each other, and no one knows why. When it comes down to it, I have a lot of qualities that make me unlikable, and that probably allow me to sabotage the friendships I would hope to form, thus giving me a measure of control over something that I know I can't control. I'm sure at least some of the men in my peer group have said unkind things about me...and yet, I so don't care. The guys are all civil in a way that, if you picture us like robotic Stepford husbands, would be unnerving.
  
  
• I've given some thought into why I'm not able to form closer friendships with the men in my group, and my admitted lack of social graces aside, I noticed something: they all work very hard at being devoted and loving partners to the women in their lives. As a married guy, I can say that no one prepares you for the sheer amount of work involved in initiating and maintaining a relationship. All of is worth it, though. Put simply, I don't care what other men think of me. I care what the women in my peer group think of me quite a bit. I hope you find that comforting or sweet, but I only care what you think if you don't have a Y chromosome.
  
  
• (Here I am responding to the last point above.) The feminist movement has been around long enough that it's effects on how men are socialized simply cannot be ignored. The author here seems to argue that "not enough" is being done or that what is being done is not working and must be changed. But I was encouraged to show my feelings growing up, and so have most men in the Western world been. So why so many male loners? This is just a guess, but if you are going to make it as a guy, you need to have a thick skin and be able to live with not getting what you want. You will be expected to pursue it, and no one will let you think that your failures belong to anyone other than you. If this seems like a broadside to the concept of "privilege," it isn't...that concept itself ignores the fact that there are few desirable traits among men that make a small percentage of men successful, and the rest of us are losers. I think It's nice to that someone wants to pay attention to us losers, but...well, we can't all be winners. Some of us have to find other ways to get our needs met. On that note, if you read any of this, thank you!
  
  
• Sorry, one last note: men don't get to have as many intimate relationships as we'd like, but there is something laudable about male friendship that I want to bring up: with all of my male friends who I have known past and present, if I reach out to them and they respond, we will pick up right where we left off, as if there hasn't been a break in communication. There is no animosity aimed at whoever broke off contact, and we are genuinely interested in each other's lives. I was trying to describe male friendship in my mind, and this scene from "The Town," which properly presents loyalty instead of no-drama, but which also shows how a lot of guy friends conduct their dealings with other men as if they were on the same wavelength, without any need for explanation:
  
  >Doug MacRay: I need your help. I can't tell you what it is, you can never ask me about it later, and we're gonna hurt some people.
  >James Coughlin: ...Whose car are we gonna' take?
  
  

1. This is a short read. It's targeted towards the non-kinky friends and family of kinky people to address their questions and concerns about BDSM, and it's written by Dossie Easton who is a really well-known BDSM educator and has written some classic BDSM 101 books. http://www.amazon.com/When-Someone-You-Love-Kinky/dp/1890159239
   
   This is a great read too, and is written specifically for non-kinky guys whose partner is kinky. I'd start here: http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html
   
   
2. Yes! This is actually quite common. BDSM is a really broad field of activities, and the people who are interested in it are all very different and unique. Personally, as a submissive female, I find domestic service (cooking, cleaning) somehow is very emotionally fulfilling to me, but not sexual at all. Same with pain/physical punishment. It's actually very difficult for me to get turned on and have an orgasm while I'm in pain -- a punishment session is a totally non-sexual but very enjoyable experience. I actually really dislike sexual activity during a pain/punishment scene.
   
   Anyways, I very much respect you for supporting her in this way! That takes a lot of strength. Jealousy is totally understandable - like the other poster said it may be beneficial to do some research into polyamory. This is not really what you have going on, but that community has a lot to say about how to deal with jealousy, talk to your partner, and communicate your needs to make sure the activities are building up your relationship and not tearing it down.
   
   
3. The typical term is vanilla. As in, you "are vanilla" or you are "a vanilla person". When Someone You Love is Kinky has a really great passage about how the term vanilla was chosen because everyone likes vanilla! Even BDSM people like vanilla.
   
   Anyways, the best thing you can do is what you're doing -- communicate with her, educate yourself. And remember, BDSM people are all about knowing their limits. You have limits too! There are certain things you may or may not be comfortable with, and you certainly have a right to set those limits as long as you've fully educated yourself in them and taken the time to try and understand them from her perspective. And who knows, BDSM encompasses a vast vast field of different activities. Maybe, while learning about BDSM, you'll run across something that piques your interest or you would be comfortable experimenting with. Most people are surprised to find out that something they're already doing is classified as a BDSM activity!

As you realize becoming great at social skills is just like training any other skill. Realizing you can train it will allow you to build the skill stronger than others who stumble into it. So many will say you can't get better or amazing by reading in a chair. They're right. Read a little, apply a lot, take notes, then review what you did right and what you did wrong, repeat. Get a mentor or training buddy if you can, it accelerates learning, because we can't see ourselves the same as those outside us can. Make a regimen to go out, greet and meet people every day. Or at least three times a week minimum, make it a habit.

I can tell you that I've been in customer service and sales jobs, they taught me nothing because my skills were garbage and sub-par. So I didn't have a paddle for my raft in the world of social interaction. All I got was "people get irritated if I cold approach or try to sell them. Or worse I have to dump mountains of information to make them feel safe." So after studying for the better part of a decade, here's some points that got me to the basics and more advanced subjects. With the basics under your belt, then a job or daily practice will get you understanding and results.

First, learn how to steady yourself mentally, breathing exercise here. Breathing is important as we seem to be learning your heart rate and beat pattern determine more about our emotions than we'd like to admit.

Second, Accept and love yourself, (both those terms may be undefined or wishy-washy to you at the moment, defining them is part of the journey.) Because you can only accept and love others the way you apply it to yourself first.

Third, pick up and read the charisma myth. It has habits/meditations that will be a practice you use every day. I'd say a basic understanding will happen after applying them over three months. Never stop practicing these basics, they are your fundamentals. They determine your body language. The difference between a romantic gaze and a creepy stare is context of the meeting and body language, especially in the eyes.

Sales or cold approach networking will do the same for practice. If you do sales or meeting new people, it is a negotiation. You're trying to trade "value" (safety + an emotion). So if you figure out how to make yourself feel emotion, then inspire emotion in others, mutual agreements happen. Start with Why is a good reference. Here is a summary video. Chris Voss will help you find out that you don't tap into people rationally, you tap people emotionally, big think summary video. Or the full book treatment, Never Split the Difference. The supporting book for Chris Voss' position can be helped by reading Start With No

For training habits and understanding how we execute behaviors, Thinking, Fast and Slow

For dealing with hard arguments and heavy topics both Nonviolent Communication and Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

Learning what listening is, instead of "hearing" people. Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone is a good book for that. This is touched on in Never Split the Difference and in the Charisma Myth because true listening, making the person you are speaking with feel "listened to and understood" is most of what makes a charismatic person work.

> 1) How long have you been No Contact?

I believe today is day 6. Last contact was last Tuesday.

> 2) What physical feature do you like most about yourself?

Hard one, but if anything, keeping my silver streak which some millennial colleagues I work with reminds them of a super hero that he more or less disparaged, I can grow in. For some reason I like my streak, though the other silver (gray) seems mousy at times, I really dig it, and well damn, it took me a long time to get this silver and I'm glad I'm going silver in a pretty cool manner.

> 3) What do you like most about your personality?

The words the replacement to a former colleague I was close to was leaving our company pretty much said it in word I couldn't use to explain myself and nearly floored when she said it as I used to be in her department, thrown into a more stressful position (by choice, expereince, culture) that she said to me "It was obvious that you were in stressful, high pressure situations and the face for your department. Yet what will stick with me is that no matter how it was apparent, sometimes in your tone, you always seemed to be calm, informed, even if you weren't fully, but you always assured "We'll get through this".

She was spot on; that' is my mantra at work, at home, with my family, and even now my ex-bf "We'll get through this" and "We'll see what we can do." and if not sure, my response "We'll find out".

I just know doing Helpdesk stuff that I need to keep it positive and apparently it bled into personal avenues. That rocks!


> 4) Have you gotten outside for at least 30 minutes (weather permitting) in the last 24 hours? Have you done any sort of exercise in the last 24 hours?

Yes, I got outside. I love the cool air. Exercise, no. Not conventioally though I did spend about an hour to almost 2 hours going through things, lifting, and throwing out. Perhaps not the gym, but I de-cluttered and rid of things I meant to for a few weeks, months, and aim to do more ridding of shit in my home.

> 5) Name a song, movie, TV show, or book (or any / all) that has helped you work through your break up. Maybe something that's helped you think about it differently or perhaps something that's just made you laugh.

Interesting question. Yesterday was my "take care of me day" and I watched the movies I suggested to him that he didn't want to watch for several bullshit reasons though he is a self proclaimed avid movie enthusiast. I watched Interstellar, 12 years a slave, and "Good Night and Good Luck".

I texted my oldest daughter that the realiztion that my movie choices had an essence of heart and doing right in all of them. Something he seems to not be able to connect to in his movie choices and in real life. He thinks life is about $ and I go by heart, and like to surround myself and want my adult children to be surrounded with people that have heart.

I realized he doesn't have 'the heart' and he also is a shitty partner that for every one movie that was my choice he watched, there were about 300 he decided that I watched.


Oh... as to recommended reading from break ups I had in the past, the book "It's Called a Break Up Because It's Broken" Co-written by the same guy who wrote the "he's not that into you" episode of Sex in the City.

When I went through my divorce, which was far more dramatic, hard to deal with, I threw myself into literature (internet was kinda new) of anything historical mainly biographies about WWII and the struggles. It helped me to keep in mind tha if I thought I was having a rough time? Yea, I'm not away from my family for several years, on a pacific island made of volcanic shards, fighting an enemy I can't see... Okinawa... then add into tha the Band of Brothers type stuff... it kept me humble that while my struggle was real, that there are others who suffered more and for the greater good of our country. It helped keep my suffering, pain in perspectve and realized I needed to find a purpose as a mother.

if you can memorize this sort of stuff, then read this free book on body language. you might like What Every Body Is Saying better, because they have actual photographs of people. I can't say for sure, because I am not very familiar with autism.

Also, I know that you say you've studied facial expressions, but Unmasking the Face has many great explanations of how the main facial expressions work, including masked expressions (such as a sad person trying not to appear sad)

If you say something that doesn't make sense and people laugh, you can either laugh with them or keep a straight face. That will get you out of most situations, because in addition to people not always saying what they mean, they also are nervous to ask for clarification, and will usually assume a positive intent or understanding.

Another book that might help you a great deal is Games People Play. It's based on Transactional Analysis, a very simple model of human behavior. Transactional Analysis defines a "Game" as a complex interaction with an ulterior motive, such as inviting someone to your room for a cup of coffee. You could familiarize yourself with common games, and it might help you.

EDIT: also, are you in touch with autism support groups of any kind? they may be able to help you more than people on the internet, since they will have experience with other autistic people.

This is what worked for me, more than once: It's Called a Break-Up Because It's Broken. To cheer you up in the mean time: Hyperbole and a Half: God of Cake.

And as just a probably-too-soon postscript here: no man who doesn't want to be with you, for any reason, can possible be the perfect man for you. And as to feeling complete with an SO, I stopped getting crushed by break-ups (though they always hurt) after I started to look into being complete on my own. This, for me, was a big change, but it doesn't have to be. I followed all my dreams: to get in shape and be stylish and beautiful, to be a writer, a dancer, to get my PhD in Biology. I also worked on myself as a person so that I learned to take more risks, not to fear information or stay willfully ignorant, tried to be empathic and kind to people who were suffering even if I didn't understand it completely, and try to live with as little bitterness and judgement of others as possible. I learned how to forgive without an apology, to have conflict without fighting, to stop talking all the time and listen more.

I have been with my partner now for 5 years, we are both 40 and no spring chickens. I love him madly, and know he is a special man for me, and we have a relationship that can never be duplicated. But with all that, even though I know a break-up would be really hard for me, even with all the time behind us, our ages, and the life we've built together, I know I would make it if things had to end. I am my complete self with him and without him. I love him, but he is my partner not my other half and not my identity.

Wow, that got long, all I meant to do was recommend the book! Sorry for all the too-soon advice, I went someplace weird inside myself, your post clearly touched me a great deal.

OK, now for some more appropriate advice. Go easy on yourself and take it day by day. Do not turn people away who want to support you, accept it -- you deserve it. Be kind to yourself the same way you would a friend in your situation: do things that are good for you, but not self-destructive (e.g. two bowls of ice cream is a special treat, two gallons might have you hating yourself; sleeping late is indulgent, staying in bed all day....probably not the best idea). Cry! Cry A LOT! It's good for you and totally appropriate. Don't keep trying to force yourself to look into (anything but the very near) future. You really can only be reasonably sure of what will happen this week, so there's no telling what will be going on months from now. Call all your besties back home and whine and complain all you want, this is your big chance! You deserve it. Good luck, hon, and all the best.

My partner and I have been together for 17 years and married for 13. I'll try and break down what has worked for us. It may not work for you, and I have no idea how to find someone as awesome as my partner but maybe it will help.

You need to find someone that you can be on the same team as. That is all. It is simple but not easy. There is a lot of work that goes into it and excuses are not a part of it. When you screw up, and you will, you have to apologize and mean it. The goal is to not make the same mistake twice. Make different mistakes.

When you are on the same team you do everything in your power to make their life awesome and they do the same thing for you. If both of you are working to make each other's life better, then it works. If you act selfishly, not taking them into consideration when making decisions, then it doesn't work. Impulse control problems make this super hard, but if your focus is making their life awesome you can do it.

ex) I want a nintendo switch super bad. But I know that if I spend money on that paying the rest of our bills will be hard and it will create a hardship for my partner. Since my goal is for her life to be awesome I don't want that, so I don't buy a nintendo switch.

A large part of this is honesty. You need to be honest with your partner and yourself. You know what you are not capable of doing. Don't pretend like you can do things that you know deep down inside you can't. There will be things that you are a lot better at then your partner. That's why you guys are a team.

ex) I am bad at house cleaning alone. I won't do it. I'll start, but I won't finish. But if we put all of the cleaning tasks on pieces of paper and I draw out one task at t time, it is a game. We call it the Cleaning Chalice. I know that if something is a game I am 100% more likely to complete it. So, working together, we gamify as much as possible.

Another part of being honest is not hiding your ADHD from them. This is how your brain works and the more you can help them understand how it works the better. And it isn't easy to explain why you interrupt all the time, or need to fidget to pay attention, or why you have flunked out of college three times. But if you talk it over with someone who is on your team, they will try to understand. It won't happen overnight and it is a constant learning curve for both of you.

ex) My brain jumps around a lot and I am impatient. So when my partner was trying to tell me something I would try and guess what it was, interrupting her constantly with my guesses. This was incredibly frustrating for her and she expressed that to me. We talked about how/why this was happening and figured out I did it when I didn't have anything to fidget with. So now when she tells me about her day, I make sure I have something to fidget with.

Truthfully it all comes down to finding someone who will be on the same team as you. If someone can't deal with it, then they aren't on your team and never will be. You can't change how your brain works and other people can't change how their brain works. Instead you need to find someone who has a brain that works with yours. Unsurprisingly, everyone's brain works differently and chances are they also have some sort of mental illness.

Make sure that you are open and honest with people about what is going on. Not everyone will understand, but those that do will become your inner circle. People that you don't have to pretend around. Eventually you won't have to pretend around anyone.

I know it is hard to feel safe and comfortable sharing ADHD with others. People make assumptions about what that means and some people don't think its real. But if you can share with people and answer their questions, you will find happiness. Lean into what you are afraid of. You are strong enough to survive. Your brain is resilient.

Read this book. It will teach you to be vulnerable which will help. It is terrifying and wonderful and has helped me out in every aspect of my life especially in my relationship with my partner.

TL;DR: You need to be on the same team as your partner.

I know that self-help books are hit or miss, at best, but I’ve been going through my own relationship struggles. While reading about attachment styles & boundary creation here on Reddit, the list below are some of the books (on Amazon) that kept popping up in Reddit discussions. Haven’t read them yet, but I did order them, & they’re supposedly arriving today - I can update w/ my thoughts & feedback, if anyone is interested.

Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, 20th Anniversary Edition

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0805087001/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_7gE4BbB2R5DZY



Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585429139/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_giE4BbJ3RKFRN




Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553386395/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_VhE4BbQ84219T


Another name that I’ve seen referenced a bunch here on Reddit is Mark Manson - he has a ”Guide to Strong Boundaries,” which I’ve also included a link to below

https://www.google.com/amp/s/markmanson.net/boundaries/amp

Mark Manson is famous for this book, amongst others

*The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life**

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062457713/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_mrE4BbHBCFCS6


Dunno if this may help, but I do know that learning about one’s own attachment style, love language, etc can at least be a great start to a better relationship with yourself. As for the relationship with one’s partner? Boundaries! Boundaries are crucial.

...man, do I suck at boundaries!

Thanks a lot for the kudos. It means a lot to me to be understood and make sense.

Yes, extrinsic motivation tend to do that. I should be even more clear on that point. It's really the underlying point: To much extrinsic motivation kill the fun (intrinsic)

Great games to me has a good balance between intrinsic and extrinsic rewards.

In Guildwars 2 I'd like to see more status rewards like titles and badges and less "stuff". It would still be extrinsic rewards, but, intangible extrinsic rewards tend to work better with the int/ ext balance, I think.

The experiment with drawing is great, almost forgot about that one. Thanks for reminding me.

There's one with teachers too. The teachers get a higher salary if their students get better test results. Resulting in crowding out the intrinsic motivation in teaching.

Can't remember the details, ever heard of it?

Note to self: Buy and read "Punished by Rewards"

How did it come up that the bruises were from him? Is it still possible to play it off as you got bruised working out / wrestling / moving furniture / anything non BDSM?

If it's not possible to rectify the situation, give your mom some time to breath. She's reacting instinctively at this point, and needs time to get back to being rational.

There's a book I've never read, but heard good things about, called When Someone You Love Is Kinky. It might be worthwhile for you to read that, and share parts of it with your mom once she's willing to talk.

Finally, the best way to prove to your mom that you're okay and healthy is to live your life. Be happy, be healthy, move towards your life goals and be a good person.

> Loving all doesn't mean that one doesn't have certain unique obligations to bear certain relations to me. Ever heard of "Think global, act local"? Loving those close to me who depend on me is part of my work of making the whole world a better place.

that is simply and only because of society today.

tell me this, if there is no orphanage or child services. and a dying child shows up on your door would you let him sit there and die? ofc not. you would bring him in and help him and feed him and give him clothes, and now what? there is nowhere for him to go, no one else will take him. the only moral choice is to literally take him in as a child, as every other alternative is completely immoral.

as you see, you are morally obligated to this child just as you are your children. you see your children as someone who require your care more than anyone because there is not anyone else required to care for them. if the state and just everyone in life loved and cared for all kids you would not be obligated to care for them. if you pushed your kid out the door they would have countless positive alternatives then you obligation would be mitigated.


also, you brushed off of jesus so fast, explain please, jesus has unique obligations to his child had he had one? what to house him? you think jesus would not house anyone who needed or asked? or feed or anything?

anyways,

modern moral philosophy was an article where the jist is that moral philosophy has to be merged with psychology, to be useful. and that basically all of the old philosophy on morality from post socratic philosophers lacks much of what we understand today.

William Macaskill philosopher who gives away i think everything after 30k he makes each year.

http://www.bigissue.com/features/5638/william-macaskill-we-should-buy-clothes-made-in-sweatshops



"Practical ethics" by Peter singer is a fantastic book and one of the foundational books on Effective altruism.



Paul bloom (Professor of psychology) has a really good new book

https://www.amazon.com/Against-Empathy-Case-Rational-Compassion/dp/0062339338

sam harris's moral landscape is also really good.

A couple that might be useful for you are:

• It's not all about me
  
  
• The Charisma Myth
  
  To reframe your self-accessed predicament, being shy is on your side here. Learning to shut up and listen to the other person talk is one of the best things you can do. When people talk about themselves and someone is listening (I mean really listening, not pretending to), they get a good feeling. That feeling they get becomes attached to being with you. That is, they think you're great and sociable when in fact you haven't even said anything!
  
  People love to talk about themselves - we are always seeking to be accepted among our fellow human beings - we are a society after all. We need to feel loved, wanted, respected etc, and the best way you can give this to another person is to just let them talk about themselves and be genuinely interested. Faking interest will not go un-noticed and it will work against, rather than for you. Ask questions about why they do the things they do and make them feel as if you want to know the answers. In this context they are the interesting people, not you. Then sit back and see how this moulds their perception of you - they will love you.
  
  Splash some knowledge of body language into the mix and you will understand more about how you are being perceived and also be able to control your own non-verbals to give messages to others.
  
  The key you seek is in understanding how other people work, not yourself!

Shocking similarities between your situation and my own. 25M broken up with a month ago by 25F of 4 years after a period of long-distance, ending plans for her to move to be with me, and after me having told her I could see us getting married one day. (I'm also a grad student. We might be doppelgängers.)

Although I didn't receive such a clear letter from my ex, my understanding of her behaviour and the things she said during the breakup have lead me to believe her feelings are very similar to those your ex expressed (or at least that is the narrative I have settled on).

I agree with the other posters that we need to accept that this is over and focus on moving on. Personally I have had no contact with my ex since I saw her in person and she finally unequivocally ended things (just over a month ago). I am starting to feel a sense of acceptance and (dare I say) even hope for the future (but don't get me wrong, I'm still constantly thinking about it, often slip back into sadness and anger, and expect to feel this way for a few more months at the least). It sounds like your breakup was less of a clean break and things dragged on for a bit longer - I'd encourage you to make a clean break going forward.

If I were you I would focus on building your new social life in your new location. In some ways having a fresh start in a new location can help you - you will not be constantly facing reminders of your time together. Since it is the start of the school year there are probably also lots of other people new to town - so get out there and find some friends! Forcing myself to get out and keep myself busy has been the best thing for me (although it's still important to allot time to feel your feels).

Here are a few other resources which have leant me some insight and made me feel a little better about the situation:

• This post from the other side of this situation made me feel like I could understand better where my ex was coming from: http://simplysolo.wordpress.com/2011/08/02/simply-solo-spotlight-having-to-leave-the-good-guy/
  
• This post by a guy with a similar breakup describes his recovery journey: http://simplysolo.wordpress.com/2011/01/11/simply-solo-spotlight-the-hardest-part-is-letting-go/
  
• The book Getting Past Your Breakup had some really interesting insights about why seemingly good relationship end. She explains how relationships involve people undergoing specific "emotional development growth tasks", and that often when someone has completed a "growth task" it leads to a re-evaluation of the relationship and new needs and growth tasks asserting themselves. If the new needs and growth directions of the couple are not aligned, it can lead to the end of the relationship, even though things seemed perfect before. This insight helped me overcome the "did the past four years mean nothing?!" stage.
  
• For general "how to get over a breakup" advice there is tons available online and I'm sure if you're like me you'll eventually read every blog post on the subject, but the best distillation of all the available info I've found is the SomethingAwful Breakup Megathread: http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3386887
  
  If you'd like to talk with someone in a very similar situation, feel free to PM me.

Some basic recommendations:

https://www.amazon.com/Definitive-Book-Body-Language-Expressions/dp/0553804723/ref=cm_cr_srp_d_product_top?ie=UTF8

https://www.amazon.com/What-Every-BODY-Saying-Speed-Reading/dp/0061438294/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=ll1&linkId=bd2c9af18031113249e398f82105631e&tag=mysoccom-20

Understanding body language is extremely important. Being able to read other people will give you a tremendous advantage in communication. It can also help you to police your own body language so you're not doing stuff that puts people off, and also so that you communicate in ways that makes them feel comfortable.

As for direct communication... Honestly, I learned most of that from a very good teacher of speech (as in, giving speeches) and from a friend who is quite ugly but does extremely well with women. Self-perception is a lot more important than people think. How you perceive yourself translates into you how present yourself. That takes more work, of course, but knowing this is a good place to start with that.

I also got a great deal from a book on emotional intelligence, but I can't remember what it was called and it was a library loan, so I don't even have it on my bookself to look it up. But I'd say look for books on that topic, as well. I did a quick look and found this one is highly recommended:

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0974320625/ref=sspa_dk_detail_1?psc=1

As for websites, there's a lot out there. I'd just Google and see what strikes your fancy.

Good luck with it. In my personal estimation, the body language was the single most helpful thing I've studied. I use it constantly now, and it's just second nature to "read" people.

I am 15 months into my ongoing healing process from the greatest loss of my life, so I'd like to share some things I've learned:

Rushing into another relationship is unsound advice, and most likely to hurt you and the next person you prematurely involve yourself with.

The best thing I can tell you is that healing from a loss is not like getting a cut on your flesh, where there is consistent and predictable healing. If healing from a physical wound is a straight line, then healing from an emotional loss is a jagged, swirling journey, where you sometimes take one step forward and 10 steps back. Don't get frustrated by these setbacks--just understand that the timetable for healing is not set, and trust in the heart's ability to heal:

"When an emotional injury takes place, the body begins a process as natural as the healing of a physical wound. Let the process happen. Trust the process. Surrender to it." --from "How to Survive the Loss of a Love"

Don't make any rash life-altering decisions, don't turn to drugs or alcohol (which only postpone or subvert healing), give to those who are less fortunate than you, and surround yourself with family and friends that love you unconditionally.

Here is a link to the book quoted above, which I wholeheartedly recommend:
http://www.amazon.com/Survive-Loss-Love-Peter-McWilliams/dp/0931580439

And another I'm in the midst of reading, which, so far, is also exceptional:
http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating/dp/0738213284

This is a beautiful recounting of the Buddha's journey to understanding suffering:
http://www.amazon.com/Heart-Buddhas-Teaching-Transforming-Liberation/dp/0767903692/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1411858603&sr=8-1&keywords=heart+of+a+buddha

And this is a pocket book available for free from the Amida Society:
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/2040437.Heart_of_A_Buddha?from_search=true

For me, feeling her "fade away" from my memory was so hurtful that I would hold on to the pain to keep the memories fresh. That is not conducive to healing. What helped me was creating a document (I used Google Docs so I could update from anywhere), and whenever a sweet memory surfaced of something she did, said, or was, I would write it down. It provided a catharsis--like a treasure chest of everything she was. I no longer compulsively read it, but it is comforting to know it's there, and has definitely helped my healing process.

For the first six months of my loss, I could barely leave the house. Since I love movies, I started trying to find ones that contained people being kind to one another (they are very rare). They helped me in reconnecting to and believing in kindness again, and I found myself watching some of my favorites just to get myself to sleep at night. I compiled a few into an IMDb list:
http://www.imdb.com/list/ls056580941/

Take care of yourself
--D

Source: Losing my dear wife--the sweetest, kindest person I've ever known.

I would offer my EMSK advice:

If you are on the receiving end of a road rage, your have one and only goal - defuse the situation for BOTH of you.

You start by completely suspending your ego. As of that moment YOU are not important at all!

Then offer a sincere apology. To make it sincere you MAY need to become an actor for a moment. Imagine you are really at fault (regardless of what your ego thought seconds ago!!!) and that the other guy has perfect excuse to be that emotional (e.g. his wife just streamed a video how she cheats him with his best friend, he got the message that his house burned down, etc).

If you are believe you can summon some more acting, offer some heartbreaking excuse (e.g. your wife just streamed a video how she cheats with your best friend, you got the message that your house burned down, etc).

Example:

• Stay safe (in your car) and out of reach (pull the window down few cm)!
  
• [high energy, loudness matches his] "Oh, my God! I didn't see you!!! How could I be so stupid! You did that and I just didn't... etc.. etc [continue until you see his steam is reduced]
  
• [bring the energy/loudness down] Are you OK!? Please, please forgive me! Good that you reacted so fast! You saved us both! Thank you for that!"etc [this should get him almost completely calm]
  
• [appeal to his compassion and go to normal level of emotions/energy/loudness] "You see, I just got a call that my house burned down completely! I should have not driven in such a state. Truly sorry, please forgive me!" [expect a hug]
  
  
  Preemptively: I don't care about law implications on admission of fault, etc. Where I live, acting (= lying) will be accepted as a good alternative to a physical self-defense ("But judge, I thought he would kill me!").
  
  Note: This approach is based (except the emotion/energy redution advice) on It's Not All About "Me": The Top Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone by Robin Dreeke, the head of the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Program within the Counterintelligence Division

Your question is very important. Especially for early stage or even first-time founders, who don't have the right support network yet. There are many more resources like Facebook groups, and youtube channels that you can leverage to learn more about entrepreneurship, specific skills, and industries. Let me know if you're looking for something more specific. I'd be more than happy to give you additional pointers.

 

Here is a list of resources that I found very helpful on my journey:

 

Forums
 

Reddit: I was impressed with the quality and depth that you can get by asking meaningful and targeted questions in the right channels such as r/entrepreneur and r/startups.

 

Podcasts
 

All of the podcasts provide a great learning experience through case studies, founder interviews, and startup pitches. Believe me when I say that whatever challenge you're having someone more experience can very likely help you.

 

1. Jason Calacanis: this week in startups
    
   
   
2. Tim Ferriss: The Tim Ferriss Show
    
   
   
3. James Altucher: The James Altucher Show
   
    
   
   Newsletter
    
   
   Launch Ticker News: One of the best newsletters out there that captures the latest tech and business news sent to your inbox several times per day.
   
    
   
   Blogs
    
   
   
4. Andrew Chen
    
   
   
5. Entrepreneurship Unplugged
   
    
   
   Books
    
   
   
6. Roger Fisher: Getting to Yes
    
   
   
7. Dale Carnegie: How to Win Friends and Influence People
    
   
   
8. Dan Ariely: Predictably Irrational
   
   
9. Eric Ries: [The Lean Startup] (https://www.amazon.com/Lean-Startup-Entrepreneurs-Continuous-Innovation/dp/0307887898/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1522354359&sr=8-2&keywords=the+lean+startup)
   
   
10. Noam Wasserman: The Founder's Dilemmas

If anyone wants some reading material on this topic, let me know. This kind of thing can be really hard to overcome and damaging to relationships.

Edit:

Hi people! I received a lot of responses about this. I feel bad for not responding earlier, but I was busy, and feeling guilty is part of my own thing that i need to work through. When people talk about this problem of “pleasing people,” what they are often really talking about is shame-bound systems. It might not be obvious at first, but ask yourself, what feelings would you experience if you weren’t trying to please others? What would it say about you if you were just trying to do what makes you happy? What feelings are you trying to get away from when you think about this? In addition to the books mentioned by /u/alpinejonny, I recommend the following:

More on the academic side:

Facing Shame, by Merle Fossum and Marilyn Mason

This is a classic book written for therapists about people in shame-bound family systems. I recommend going here if you want a deep understanding of how and why families create cycles of shame, one manifestation of which is “people-pleasing.” It’s an older book, but it’s still an important one.

Shame and the origins of self-esteem, by Mario Jacoby

Mario Jacoby is an influential Jungian analyst. This book is expensive, but I really recommend taking a look at this book’s table of contents to see how in-depth it is. Amazon’s “look inside” feature has a lot of pages from this book available online, and you can click on table of contents sections to see more information about that section. It might have a lot of the info you need.

More mainstream:

Reinventing Your Life, by Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko

Despite the ugly cover and horrible title, this is a really, really solid book based upon schema therapy. This book covers a wider range of schemas or “lifetraps,” so it is appropriate for many people. It can be eye-opening. I would definitely recommend it, especially the chapters on vulnerability, dependence, abandonment, and defectiveness (shame).

Daring Greatly, by Brené Brown

Brown is a leading researcher in the field of vulnerability right now and has down a lot of interesting qualitative work in deconstructing the concept of vulnerability, which is something we must experience if we are to say ‘no’ to our people pleasing tendencies. I’m not the biggest fan of Brown’s mainstream writing personally (I’m more on the dense/academic side of things), but her key points are dead on and her writing works for many people. I really appreciated her famous TED talk when it came out.

Healing the Shame that Bind You, by John Bradshaw

I haven’t read this one, but I have heard really good things. Again, Amazon’s look inside feature is helpful here. A lot of the book is already online.

Hope that helps! Other users have been recommending to me books about codependency. I haven't read any books about codependency specifically, but I can see that being super helpful.

Yeah, you may be getting a bit of a roast because some strangers on the internet think you moved too fast based on a 300-word story you told.

Everyone has things they're bad at and blind spots when it comes to dating and relationships. Those of us who are quicker to feel a connection usually get hurt more often. Those who've learned to protect their hearts more ferociously often struggle with connection in other ways. We're all trying to do our best; we all have things we could probably stand to work on.

But none of that was the point of your post, and I get it. To me, it sounds like your point was: "My personal struggles with dating are causing me a lot of heartache -- is it worth it?" You're the only person who can answer that question for yourself, but let me tell you that BOY can I relate to the feeling.

To connect with another, we have to be vulnerable. Being vulnerable opens us up to being hurt.

Here are a couple of articles about vulnerability. I also highly recommend Brene Brown's now crazy-popular book Daring Greatly. I suspect it's been selling so well because people are suffering from the depressing feeling of disconnection in alarming numbers, and we're desperately trying to figure out how to reconnect with each other. Brown suggests that vulnerability is the key.

I've decided that it's worth it for me. Even though I keep getting hurt, I plan to keep trying. I've learned a crap-ton about myself along the way, and all of it has been invaluable to making me a better person (and possibly a more attractive person). I've learned some ways to reasonably protect my heart even while being vulnerable. I've learned that it pays to choose carefully who you are vulnerable with. I've learned that it's important to set boundaries for yourself and be brave enough to honor them. I've learned that it pays to surround yourself with non-romantic friends and family who reliably build you up and affirm your good qualities ("I'm so proud of you for getting that promotion!" "Your performance was great at last night's open mic!" "I think you're doing a great job raising your daughter.")

You can do it, OP! It sounds like you have a lot of love to give, and it would be a shame for that to go to waste. I wish you all the best.

If your relationship skill was an inherent trait then logically you'd never be able to get better at it. But I'm sure you know many people in your life that have gotten better at relationships, I know I do.

If you want to improve I can recommend a couple of extremely useful books:

• How to Win Friends and Influence People
  
  
• 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
  
  There are a ridiculous number of so called "self help" books out there but these two are full of genuinely useful ideas. They can't teach you everything, you've gotta put this stuff into practice to truly understand it, but them books have had more of an impact on my life than probably anything else I've experienced.
  
  Hope this helps ya mate :) and good luck for the future.

I just want to say that I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I have had my own share of marital duress this year (2014 just seems to suck for everyone I talk to, myself included) and it's not something I wish upon anyone.

I don't know your situation, but with me reading all the relationship books I could find really helped me gain some perspective. I'll link them but the main advice is the same: you have to start rebuilding you. This of course I'm sure being the last thing you want to hear right now. Based on the 5 or 6 books I read when a partner who wants to leave (and who does so in this case) and the other person begs and tries to cajole the other into coming back, the person on the wayward side gets pushed even further away (I've personally seen this myself). But once the person who was abandoned starts living and doing for themselves the wayward party sees this and begins to assess what they're doing and why they're doing it.

Like I said, this is just the collected advice of the various things that I read and may not pertain to you in the slightest. Regardless I'll make sure to pray for you because what you're going through is just horrible and I really feel for you.

Here are the books:

• I Love You but I'm not in Love With You
  
  
• Love Must be Tough
  
  
• The Divorce Remedy
  
  
• The 180
  
  
• Getting Past Your Breakup Even though this book is mainly written for people who have already lost the relationship, it has some really good tools to help you evaluate both yourself, your partner and the relationship itself.
  
  Best of luck and I hope everything works out.

I am an INFJ entrepreneur

There is alot to unpack in your question.

Do you know your ennegram type?

Cultivating self awareness is the absolute key, check out gary vee's youtube channel for more information about that.

>I've failed a lot, and feel like giving up

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQZLeOh-kkQBRO6sRZPQw9MGVoxk_YPNYKGylt5ZWNaSOR5VanZ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdAKO3b8oLc


>all the time but worrying everytime you do it?

To be successful in business I think you need to really enjoy the risk, like for that to become your comfort zone. A good book to read about this is "daring greatly" https://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms/dp/1592408419

Also overcoming any anxiety you might have with CBT.


>I have this desire to kind of change the world and make people know their potential and be good at it through business

Visions like that take decades or your whole life to accomplish. Also you need to carefully think about how you want to change the world "for the better". Many business don't change the world for the better, and since capitalism itself makes the world "worse" (I am totally anti-communist too) than it can be difficult to work within it to really positively change the world.
Whats your idea?

He definitely has anger issues. Raising the voice, cutting you off. When he starts raising his voice you can choose to pause the discussion. Leave it as it is and change the topic or go to another room so you can cool down too. You can bring up active listening - hearing someone out before interrupting them. That means you must do the same but it sounds like you already are.

For you, just stop talking and disengage when he starts yelling and say clearly, "I'm not going to stand here while you're yelling at me." Yelling can be considered a form of abuse if it's frequent and used as a form of manipulation or overriding of your needs. In therapy it's sometimes called verbal violence. So don't put up with it. He can change or you can walk. You should be strong with that and protect yourself. If you feel exhausted all the time dealing with him, it's possible he really is an emotional manipulator and abuser.

With playing back the recordings, he doesn't like being shown he's wrong and he doesn't want to make the effort to change. So as soon as he raises his voice you can hold your hand up and say, "Pause! We're pausing this conversation until you can speak to me in a normal voice. Period."

It does sound like he is a gaslighter as someone else here mentioned. They will always say things like you're the only person who accuses him of anger, etc. They learn it from their parents when they're young and then use it to sharpen their knives on everyone around them. If I was your friend I would say to get away from this person. You don't even want to become used to that kind of behavior because it will lead you to more people like that.

You could move back in with your parents or ask for a couple months rent so you can get an apartment. Sharing an apartment with a friend means you can get more of an apartment - 2 bedroom vs a studio, etc. There are always options. If you feel like there are no options it's just because you are under stress and tired. "Zoom out" as they say and look at the bigger picture. If you had a friend in your situation right now how would you advise them?

Be strong for yourself! This relationship doesn't sound to me like it's what will be good for you in the long run but you have to make that decision yourself. Hang in there! Be true to yourself.

Edit: There's an interesting book called Games People Play I found out about in a class I took at Anger Management Classes. It's basically about revealing the little social interactions that play out over and over again without realizing what is going on sometimes and how they feed emotions of certain people. Some of the stories were just unhinged to me and I wondered if I would be able to spot them when I was near them in real life and actually, I feel this book kind of inoculated me against people who play certain games. There's also the Travis McGee novel The Deep Blue Good-By (1964) that really messed me up reading about how some men really are manipulative predators. Take care of yourself.

> Should I bring this up in a non sexual setting or just gently give it a try in bed and see how he responds?

I'd recommend talking about it ahead of time. I think it's important to have informed consent, and he may have issues that would throw him for a loop if you did it and he was unprepared. It's unlikely, but it's possible. I think your explanation is good.

I'm not sure from your post if you're aware that there's a huge set of people in the kink community who have D/s relationships where they have a daddy-daughter (or, less common, but still sometimes mommy-son) type dynamic.

I bring this up because you may want to think about if just using the words is enough for you; will you, if he says yes, and it feels really good, want to take things a step further, perhaps asking him to discipline you if you're "bad" (whether that's strictly in the bedroom or you want it outside of that), etc?

http://www.amazon.com/When-Someone-You-Love-Kinky/dp/1890159239

You could also point toward Dan Savage's columns on "GGG", and I'd certainly think about, and be ready to talk to your SO about how much you "need" this in your sex life. (I've been here, so one of the questions that WILL come up will be the question of if you can enjoy sex with them without it; could you do that forever, or could you do equal time/etc.)

Keep in mind also that some people, depending on upbringing and exposure, might initially have really shocked/repulsed reactions for reasons related to their socialization, but ultimately wind up being very open.

Games People Play: The Basic Handbook of Transaction Analysis, by Eric Berne

This book has been helpful for me. For me, the inability to engage people, and being awkward, came from inexperience. I didn't talk to enough folks when I was young, which meant I lacked the experience to form accurate conversational models. In lieu of making those same mistakes, you can apply some ideas of transactional analysis so things make more sense in the heat of the moment.

For example, one time I tried to be smart in a conversation but it ended up falling flat. Why? Because I was following a pattern of being a brainiac, because that's how I historically got respected when I wasn't a warm or exciting person. However, the other party wanted comfort and validation for a troublesome experience, and I wasn't giving that to her. Instead, I was generalizing her situation to an overarching theme.

Brainy? Sure. Satisfying? No.

Was she annoyed by me? Yes. Was I annoyed by her? Yes. However, knowing that we were playing different games, and ire came from the clash, calmed me down. This is just one of many kinds of transactions that can occur. People can have favorites; is there someone who loves repeating exciting stories to build rapport? Do you enjoy talking about a limited number of topics to retain expertise, and make every attempt to jiujitsu a conversation back to your scope?

That's okay. It's human to do that. But knowledge is power.

Yessir, that's a good way of putting it.

>May I ask how you worked on your social skills and networking?

Absolutely! First I read a bunch of books and articles, which I'll list for you below. Second I got a job that requires a lot of social interaction. And third I made a very dedicated effort to do more social things.

(Wow, I didn't realize how large this list was going to be. So I'm going to very highly recommend the first three books and just say that everything else is going to be beneficial, but not really necessary. You don't have to go nearly as deep as I did to get good results.)

How to Win Friends and Influence People
How to Talk to Anyone
What EveryBODY is Saying

---
Never Eat Alone
The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense
Argumentation and Debate
What to Say When You're Dying on the Platform
The Quick and Easy Way to Effective Speaking
The Art of Framing
This article
This documentary on body language
This video on body language
This ebook
/r/socialskills
This website
This video
This video
This video
A lot of Craig Ferguson interviews (especially the lady ones)
Etiquette

>I know that I'll feel at least marginally better after I finish crying, but the truth is the situation won't have changed at all.

No, but your emotional state will be closer to equilibrium, which makes you better equipped to deal with the real-world situation.

The need for the release you're feeling is pretty straightforwardly a physiological phenomenon and you're trying to rule one part of your brain (the limbic system) with a completely different part of your brain, your rational mind (the prefrontal cortex), which might work over time, but it will make things much easier if you just let off the emotional steam that's building up. You're better off thinking of these two systems within your brain as two different people. The one having the problem has its own mechanisms for dealing with stress, but you're preventing it from using them. Step back from that, get out of the way, let the catharsis happen, and then see how much clearer you'll be able to think.

Emotional Intelligence 2.0 is a great book on the subject if you're interested in delving into this in a scientifically grounded way that's still practically applicable, not just to pent up emotions, but to all aspects of life, essentially developing higher Emotional Intelligence (EQ), which is closely associated with intuitive cognitive processes, which account for much more of our behavior than conscious thought.

A better question to ask is, why do I feel anxious in social situations? Because once you address that, you'll have the freedom and confidence to do anything you want.

I'm not judging -- I felt socially anxious for awhile, now it's basically gone. For me, there were a bunch of underlying causes (most I covered in Play It Away), but for a lot of young people, the biggest sources of social anxiety are:

• Severe lack of quality face-to-face time with friends. Which is why people need to PLAY MORE. Sign up for some sport, group activity, or organization where you can be a high-status person and meet nice people. I do improv, basketball, kickball, gardening, and volunteering, and I ask my friends to get meals or hang out with me multiple times each week.
  
• Chronic sleep deprivation. Humans really need 10-12 hours of sleep to function, not the 6-8 that was thrust upon us after the industrial revolution. Stop looking at screens and bright lights after 8pm. Turn your electronics off.
  
• Caffeine and stimulants. That stuff literally wires you to go into fight-or-flight mode around people. Drink more water.
  
• Repeatedly putting yourself out there in small ways. Maybe it's telling a joke to a cashier, or complimenting your waitress, then seeing that everything is okay! If you keep putting yourself into situations that give you social anxiety, you'll eventually feel safe and calm. I remember going to a pickup soccer game when I moved to Austin. I knew no one on the field, and hadn't played soccer since I was 14. When I got there, I got nervous and nearly walked away. But I decided to push through and had a blast. Same deal with improv, actually. Scary at first, but ended up being one of the best things I've ever done for myself.
  
  I really can't overstate having consistent, repeated, FUN face-to-face time with people you genuinely enjoy being around. This alone can steadily eliminate your social anxiety. Oh, and stop watching the news. It makes you afraid of the world when you shouldn't be :)
  
  P.S. This book is great for getting better socially. Awful cover, bad title, but AMAZING content. Highly recommended!

Obligatory book : http://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0091906814

I used to consider myself practically autistic, but I'm a bit better with practise. If you can manage groups, I'm surprised you have trouble one on one. I guess you're good at banter?

Talk about how they feel about things. Hows it going? Good weekend? Doing much this weekend? What do you do for fun?

People prefer people who make them feel interesting, rather than people who are interesting. So be curious about them. Pay attention to them when you talk to them.

Find out what they like talking about, and let them talk about it. People are often an expert at something. See if there's anything you find interesting about that.

But don't repeat the same overly specific question every day. That gets tedious or weird.

Here's what I'm doing:

• Board game night at local game shop
  
• Meetups
  
• Therapy (probably has made the most difference in my social skills, but the least in my relationships. I expect a big payoff when I finally do start to date, though)
  
  
• Books. I would recommend finding some books on relationships written by credible sources. Find something that has a score of 4 or 5 stars on Amazon, is written by someone with a Ph.D and has more than 30 pages of endnotes. It's probably not written by a looney. If you find a good one, let us know!
  
• My book list: Loneliness (about the condition of loneliness, not relationships, but good nonetheless), The 5 Love Languages (not written by an expert, but decent for starting a conversation with someone about a relationship that you are looking to improve), and I'm about to start Marriage, A History, which is about the tradition of marriage and how love matches became the dominant factor in marriage.
  
  Things that I have tried that do not work:
  
  
• Religious studies groups (be fair, I joined it for casual friendships, and that's what I got out of it)
  
• Gym (I don't have the energy to get out to a gym, but I can exercise indoors)
  
• Ballroom Dance classes (you'll have fun dancing, but no one will follow you out of the class. I think it's true for other types of dance as well)

it's this one: https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Attachment-Find-Keep-Love-ebook/dp/B0049H9AVU . who knows if this is the answer, but about 25% of the population have an anxious attachment style while about 25% are avoidant, so the chances of this being the case aren't that low though.

EDIT: good for him that he has a bro who cares, my BFF has gone through me through all the shit in my life, I love him more than a brother.

>If you hang around them more, don't stop them from doing what they are doing. If there seems to be a lull and you can get a question out why don't you spend that time to get to know them instead of trying to steal information from them.
---
>You are probably a kid also. Just your age is going to annoy them. Unless you present yourself as a man/woman. Like you command the respect of such, but that doesn't mean you act superior or combative. It's something you learn with age.

This is golden advice! Get to know people and build a rapport before you start asking technical questions, and when you do, acknowledge their real world expertise and how much you value them giving you the time to explain it...

---

In the 1920's Dale Carnegie made a small fortune off simple advice which still rings true today in u/Hammerstrike5 's comment:

"

• Become genuinely interested in other people.
  
• Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
  
• Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
  
• Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.
  

  "

You make an interesting point. Though I have heard of the research you allude to, and of a book that makes a similar argument (Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A's, Praise, and Other Bribes), I must confess to being a bit skeptical.

If it's true that adding money to the equation makes developers lose motivation, how do you explain all the successful kickstarters out there, all the successfull donation-ware software, or all the successfull commercial software in the world?

Also, specifically on the subject of Magit, do you now expect Magit's lead developer to do less work on Magit now that he's fully funded? I know I personally expect great things now that he can focus completely on Magit without having to worry about money.

About your implication that Emacs developers are writing Emacs code for fun: I'm not sure if that's universally true. I think in most cases they're scratching an itch: they have some problem and they want to solve it, and incidentally also want to share the code with the world. They're not going to suddenly stop having problems they want to solve if they get money, and I don't think they're going to stop actually solving them or sharing the results if they get money either.

On the other hand, I do think there's some truth in what you say. I think the easiest way to turn a fun hobby in to drudgery is to be forced to do it day in and day out, whether you feel like it or not, with loss of control over direction or quality, with having to answer to all sorts of people that don't understand what you do and don't care about, and only care about using you as a tool to make themselves more money -- in short, by turning the hobby in to a stressful job. But as you can see, there are a lot more factors that go in to making a hobby in to a stressful job than merely adding money.

So this seems like a case of "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink". I'm sure that he understands what you're saying on an intellectual level but on an emotional one, he rejects it out of hand due to his conditioning earlier in life. This is probably compounded whenever he is put into a situation where he ends up shutting down, as he basically ends up seeing it as more proof of his "failure".

I don't have a lot of ideas other than perhaps seeing if he is willing to talk to someone in a therapy-like setting. You could also look at trying to find ways to slowly push his boundaries, something like some small get togethers with people he doesn't know well so that he is only a little bit out of his comfort zone.

Ultimately though this will all require him being on board with making changes as well, so sitting down with him and seeing what he is willing to do will be paramount. You'll want to continue to reiterate that you like him just how he is and that you just want him to feel better about himself when you do this.

One final thing would be to look at the book "Quiet: the power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking" (http://www.amazon.com/Quiet-power-introverts-world-talking-ebook/dp/B004J4WNL2) As a 33 year old shy, introvert guy myself, I found this book really interesting and that it offered some new perspectives on my own life long struggles. It didn't change my life overnight but it has helped me with some of my own self acceptance issues. You could maybe start here, read it yourself first and then offer it to him and see how that goes.

Great list! I have read all the above and totally agree that their value is worthwhile to anyone seeking to improve their life -- regardless of financial status, relationships, profession, etc. A couple others that I've found useful along the road:

6. The Six Pillars of Self Esteem by N. Branden. During the reawakening stage and after a particularly painful breakup, I found this book helpful. Learning the concept of "alone-ness" versus "loneliness" continues to drive many motivations.

7. Games People Play by Eric Berne. Want to understand why your plate/gf/wife went batshit insane over the stupidest thing, and how to counteract it in the future? Read this book. Want to understand why your coworker was making those strange comments to your boss? Read this book - a must for anyone wanting to learn more about game theory and its application to everyday life. (Next on my list is The Art of Strategy ).

8. Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. In many ways this is an antithesis to Freudian thought -- whereas Freud argued man is happy when seeking and obtaining pleasure, Frankl postulates that finding meaning and understanding is what makes us happy. In the context of TRP theory, meditating on, if not fully understanding, these concepts is absolutely necessary.

9. Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion by Robert Cialdini. The seminal work on the concept and application of persuasion. From negotiations to dating/relationships to job performance, I would rank this book at the top of many lists.

A few other authors/books I've seen mentioned elsewhere that are worth checking out: anything by Kurt Vonnegut, The Art of War by Sun Tzu (which goes hand in hand with The Prince for a great East/West study), and Rollo Tomassi. I've also found some of Oscar Wilde's writing to be both amusing and insightful.

[edit: formatting.]

People use "brain washing" too freely.

My opinion is, people are too ashamed and scared to admit their own weaknesses.

Let me give you an example;

Bill Clinton. People love the guy. But here's the thing, a ton of people very much dislike his politics.

I forget the exact quote, but one of those people said, "You hate Bill Clinton before you meet him and after he leaves, but while he's there talking to you, you like the guy."

People can blame Scientology all they like, but I think it's exactly what the name sounds like; it's the religion of science. And it uses the science that everyone claims isn't a science, psychology.

Having a degree in psychology, and having had more people than I can count tell me I "should have picked a real degree," I can't help but feel a guilty twinge of happiness when I see people say things like "Scientology brainwashes people!"

No; they're using psychological principles to make you not only accept and like any horse poo they spout, but they change your beliefs. Brain wash? Pfft. They're doing what Bill Clinton does in his interviews.

It actually helps them that you claim they're brainwashing people, because it keeps people from learning the science behind what they're really doing (which just so happens to be my "worthless" degree). Words like brainwashing might as well be the modern day word for "magic," because 99% of people don't actually know what that means, or how people really change other people's minds. Another modern-magical word is "hypnosis." Everyone knows the word, and people are like "Oooo, magic..." but again, 99% of people don't know what it is or how it works. There are literal "magic shows" that have hypnotists, and people call things like that "mental magic."

Calling it brain washing is basically telling 99% of people, "It's not your fault. You couldn't help it. They used magic on you!" And for the people saying they were brainwashed? You notice how they never give real details about what the people actually did to them to "make" them want it? They might as well be saying "They used voodoo on me! I couldn't stop myself!"

Well you can stop yourself, it wasn't "brainwashing," and people want what Scientology has to offer because they're using science to make people want it (like Bill Clinton can control an interview on a supposedly Republican television network, and manage to look good, and make it look like everyone there loves him and he's in control). Even if they crash and burn as a religion, which I doubt, they'll make a ton of money in marketing.

If you're interested in the science, I'd recommend:

http://www.amazon.com/Charisma-Myth-Master-Personal-Magnetism-ebook/dp/B005GSZZ24/

and

http://www.amazon.com/Influence-Psychology-Persuasion-Robert-Cialdini/dp/006124189X/

and

http://www.amazon.com/My-Voice-Will-Go-You/dp/0393301354/

and

http://www.amazon.com/Sleights-Mind-neuroscience-reveals-brains-ebook/dp/B003ZDNZYM/

> I cannot fit in because I'm not going to lie to you to be polite.


You know who says things like this? Assholes.

I'm sorry to break it to you, but in taking a quick glance at some of your Reddit posts, you're not being impolite because you're lying. You're simply being unnecessarily rude. It's not about fitting in. There's a certain level of social awareness and tact in interpersonal relationships.


> I guess i don't care enough to do anything.

Therein lies the rub. If you don't care enough to do anything, why are you asking this question? Are you actually looking for advice? Or making a statement that you're happy disguising impoliteness as "truth telling"?

If you're actually looking for advice, start by reading up on social skills. How to Win Friends and Influence People is a great book to begin with.

Here's a great video from Ramit Sethi about "Being Honest without being a Jerk"

I hope this is useful and if you have more specific questions, I'm happy to help.

What your girlfriend probably told you is that she has fantasies of being humiliated and dominated.

That's really different from what you heard and told us, that she wants you to dominate and humiliate her.

She is definitely a kinky person. But she's so young and she's been with you since she was an adult that I don't think she has any experience in kink.

Kink shouldn't be done without being very cautious, kink can be personal, difficult and if done wrong, can harm a person both psychologically and physically. Also, consent is a very touchy subject when doing kink and you should thread very carefully.

You should both talk a lot about this, especially if she's not experienced.

I strongly suggest that both of you educate yourself on the subject of kink and domination. There are so many wonderful books on the subject that it can be difficult to start but I suggest:

Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt - When someone you love is kinky - Greenery Press 2000

A wonderful and thoughtful book that can help many a couple to approach and tackle the difficulties of coming out of the kinky closet.

Jay Wiseman - SM 101, second edition - Greenery Press 1996
A classic in its own right, SM 101 has introduced many generations to the practices and the good manners of doing SM even before the term BDSM came into play. And also, how to ask for consent and all the required safeties needed in kink.

Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt - The Ethical Slut, A guide to infinite sexual possibilities - Greenery Press 1997
Another ageless classic, mostly about non-monogamic, non-traditional relationships but still a book that can help you understand how discussions and confrontations can be done easily and safely when talking about sex and relationships and similar difficult subjects.

These are the bare minimum. She (and maybe you too) should also sign up on FetLife (https://fetlife.com/) and find others with the same interest, people on Fetlife are always happy to help newcomers (unless you're very rude).
Also, on Fetlife you can see if you can find a munch in your area so that you both can go and talk to other more experience people in an nonthreatening environment.

You could also see if you can go to one of the many BDSM conventions around the country, so that you can both see for yourself how it is done and that kink is possible without feeling (nor being) a horrible person.

So, don't be put off by her not wanting to have sex with you. She's probably thinking that she disgusts you now that she has expressed her "wicked" fantasies.

Also please please PLEASE DO NOT TRY ANYTHING WITH HER WITHOUT FIRST TALKING WITH HER ABOUT IT.

Even if she has asked before, it's still a violence if you don't get consent, explicit and in advance consent for anything that you do to her.

TL;DR
You should both inform yourself by reading the proposed books, signing up in FetLife, going to munches and talking to other experienced people before doing anything in the bedroom.

Neat, thanks for the link.

I agree with you re: the negativity. I'm coming to it from a different perspective, being that I'm starting a relationship with a survivor after coming out of the dead bedroom. I empathize with your finding regarding your own personal issues -- I'll confess to my fear that I may not be solid enough to be a competent partner to a sexual abuse survivor yet, either.

Allies in Healing felt .. several levels too basic for me? Like, some of the advice was at the "believe her", and "don't blame her" levels, which were ridiculous from my perspective. I can see why the author had to include them, but, I was really looking for something a little deeper.

I got a lot more out of The Courage to Heal - not just the chapter on the partner, but over the whole of the book.

Did you read the Harville Hendrix book Getting the Love You Want? .. I'm wondering if the Imago technique described there would help or hurt with a survivor.

I'll take your advice and read Coming Home to Passion.

And, yeah, a support group would really be helpful, even from a knowing "what not to do" perspective.

Hello there! I recently started cooking (never really did it before) and I'm LOVING it! Trying new dishes for dinner makes me super happy (especially when they come out yummy. There are those that come not so great, but, eh, practice)!

The best thing under $15 would Emotional Intelligence 2.0 by Travis Bradberry, Jean Greaves (Hardcover). Reading is always great!

This is really a tough one because you don't have any sense as to how people really see you, that's been distorted by abuse. In my case when I was small, my nMom used to introduce me to people as a storyteller and just sometimes flat out said no one could trust a word out of my mouth. It's been decades, but it continues to have an effect on me, but it is slowly getting better.

What I've learned is to realize a few things. We are all so hyperconscious of our outer personas/masks (and we ALL wear them, even "healthy" people) that we forget to actually pay attention to other people. So all those things you worry about? No one is really paying attention, they are too worried about how you see THEM. The people that can get through the masks to the painful parts underneath are either genuinely nice people who want to know more about you, or narcs that want to manipulate and use you. No wonder there is a cause to be wary when you can't easily tell the difference.

I've found for me, the part of the cure is to ask questions and be interested in the answers, even if my brain wants to panic and doubt people's motives. Also, a big issue is that you have no social skills. None. They've been obliterated or were never allowed to be learned. So, learn some. I've found this book to be very helpful - 92 tips on how to talk to anyone.

The trick is to take just one of these tips and PRACTICE. You aren't going to be a social butterfly overnight, but you don't have to accept a life without friends, either.

It's also really, really important not to see any one person who has offered you friendship as a lifeline. If you only have ONE friend, then their impact and importance to you (earned or not) escalate in your life and you become the kind of person other people want to avoid or use. Make LOTS of casual friends, see them as trials and stick with the ones that make you feel the best about yourself.

And if someone turns out to be a jerk or just plain uninteresting after you get to know them a bit better? Use your new-found skill at establishing boundaries and move on.

It's a little more dangerous with work friends, especially with someone who has authority over you - I would continue to be outwardly friendly and work my ass off for your senior associate. You already want something from her (a pleasant working environment and a good reference) that may not survive diving down into your paranoia, so ask questions about her work experience and listen to her answers, leading into more questions. Keep it professional until you feel more confident, and practice your social communication tips. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

It's never easy doing something that you are afraid of. Remember, other people are afraid, too, and the only way out is to find out who they are and what they want by asking questions and being interested in the answers.

>You are all crummy boyfriends. This is sweet and adorable.

I think the only reason this might not be true is that you should be able to ask for those things and have them freely given, and be able to give the gift freely as well, rather than having everything be quid pro quo.

As soon as you attach a specific reward to those actions instead of just asking as my SO, then I am essentially forced to weigh the tasks against the reward, rather than doing it out of caring for you.

Also, you are setting yourself up to only ever get the response you want when accompanied by a specific reward.

Read Punished by Rewards for more on this kind of thought...

Games people play by Eric Berne. A fascinating read, very small book with a great way to explain why some people react the way they do. Also Flow by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi . This book is a pain in the ass to read, but once I got through it for the first time, I keep it close, like a bible. http://www.amazon.com/The-Art-Loving-Erich-Fromm/dp/0061129739
The Art of Loving, by Eric Fromm, again, amazing lay read book.
Hope you enjoy!

Might also suggest It's Not All About "Me": The Top Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone by Robin Dreeke. He advocates for:

1. Establishing artificial time constraints. People are more comfortable if they think even if this conversation goes bad, at least it will be short.
   
   
2. Accommodating nonverbals. Smile, do a slight head tilt.
   
   
3. Speak slower.
   
   
4. Use a sympathy or assistance theme. People want to help, find ways to let them.
   
   
5. Check your massive ego (we've all got them). Make it about the other person.
   
   
6. Validate others. People like people that like and accept them.
   
   
7. Ask questions. How? When? Why? People want to talk about themselves. All you need to do is ask open ended questions.
   
   
8. Prime the pump. Other introverts are going to want you to lead. Say a little something to get things started or if someone realizes they have been spending the whole conversation talking about themselves and stops, say something about yourself that builds on that and gets them comfortable that it is an exchange.
   
   
9. Give gifts. Either of your attention or material. It's a way to show people you like the person you are talking with.
   
   
10. Manage expectations. Mostly your expectations. Everyone is talking for a reason. If you focus on what the other person wants more than what you want, you are more likely to get what you want too.
    
    It's a helpful list of suggestions. And, I'd wager that most INTJs, like me, frequently are doing the opposite of a few of these when they have a bad social interaction. It can't just be about getting information. It's got to be about the other person and building a relationship too.

It sounds like you're in therapy and taking meds. I would continue with this if it's working or work on finding something else that does (new meds, new therapist). You'll need even more support now than you did before. If you feel you're in a crisis, don't feel ashamed to call a suicide hotline or your therapist. This stuff is terribly tough to deal with and there is no shame in getting help. Be gentle with yourself.

By the way, if you didn't already know this, suicidal ideation is normal for those with trauma in their backgrounds and PTSD. I know this because I'm being treated for this myself. If your therapist doesn't have experience with trauma and PTSD specifically, you might want to find someone who does. There are specific treatments for this.

My therapist just gave me materials last week that say that people with trauma and PTSD symptoms tend to feel suicidal and hopeless, believe that it'll never get any better, and can be VERY pessimistic about the future (this is my experience exactly). Just know these thoughts and feelings are symptoms of PTSD and depression and are NOT true. You CAN take actions to make your life better.

As far as the relationship goes, it might be best to just accept that it's over and focus on yourself right now. It sounds like you have enough to deal with and a relationship is probably not the best thing to be in right now anyway. I wouldn't try to get him back as it sounds like he made it clear that he was done and this going back and forth business never seems to work out in the end. Even if you do get back together, some time apart might be best at this point.

I always recommend Getting Past Your Breakup to people as well as the author's blog (which I'm reading right now in fact). These resources helped me tremendously with my last breakup.

I also recommend books like Feeling Good and The Feeling Good Handbook, which have helped me tremendously as well. If none of this appeals to you then know that there are many resources available and I'm sure you can find something that does.

Journaling those raw, painful emotions helps too. My first therapist told me to do this for years and I never did. I do now and just getting that shit out really DOES help. It helps if the journal is secure, like if you use a software journal there are ones with encryption. In Feeling Good he really pushes you to journal and do the exercises, and not just read the book. He also says that people tend to benefit from ANY act of self-help.

Anyway, I know this is tough stuff and probably more than most people could ever bear. It sounds like you've dealt with a lot so you're probably stronger than you realize. Good luck to you.

>he knows I have friends that engage in BDSM

What does he think of those friends? Does he respect them? Is he accepting? Could any of them give you advice in this situation?

Personally, I think you ought to tell him what you're after, if for no other reason than this: any relationship which can't survive after the people involved bare their deepest feelings and desires to each other probably wasn't going to fulfill those desires any time soon. You deserve to be with someone who can make you happy, and it sounds like this is a part of that; maybe that means staying with this guy, and maybe it doesn't, but you might as well find out.

You might have some luck with the book "When Someone You Love is Kinky" (Amazon). I'd suggest reading it, yourself, and giving it to him if talking things over doesn't go well.

This is actually a great point. In Dale Carnegie's book How to Stop Worrying and Start Living he points out that if you're feeling stressed about making a particular mistake, think about what would have to be true for that one mistake to have resulted in all your problems. So in this case, one might feel bad about eating extra donuts and think that they are going to fail at their diet, from here you would say: What would have to be true for two donuts to cause me to fail at my diet? The answer would be that the diet is completely dependent upon that single choice, which it is not. I'm not sure if I'm doing a great job explaining, but Dale Carnegie is a fantastic author with great insights into self improvement. His most famous book, How to Win Friends and Influence People is an incredible read as well.

I've wrestled with this issue with my stubborn, strong willed, gifted 11 year old for years. I'm only this year beginning to breathe a little easier, but he's always been my challenging child.

I don't treat my children equally - they're too different. My younger is gifted, healthy, introverted, and dyslexic. My elder is responsible, diligent, extroverted, popular, and chronically ill. Life's not fair and they both know it.

6th-8th are the challenging years. This is where the child must learn to assume responsibility for his own work. Parental control is fading fast and the transition needs to be complete before high school. No 6th grader feels like doing homework, of course. But a lot of gifted kids feel like they are somehow "above" doing the work. This is a huge problem, because if we don't get over ourselves by the end of high school we are left in the dust in college. (source: didn't get over myself in high school).

I wish I had concrete advice for you. I don't use threats or punishments or grounding because that's not my style - my younger son was completely immune to punishment even as a toddler, so we abandoned that strategy. And I can't tell you our way is ideal since we've had our share of ups and downs, and only in the last year or two has challenging child begun to turn himself around.

The one book that radically influenced my approach to motivating my kids academically was Alfie Kohn's Punished by Rewards - you might want to check that out. http://www.amazon.com/Punished-Rewards-Trouble-Incentive-Praise/dp/0618001816

Well, I don't really read self-help books or books about life. (got a few other book suggestions for dry histories and sciences, but that's OT). But I've read a good bit of How to stop
worrying and start living which was pretty good. I hear Carnegie's other books are good too.

Personally I think that everyone has to find their own path in life. While books may have the answer for some, I don't want to spend my life researching how to spend your life. The way I see it, as long as you are marginally happy with your current situation, and you have a good goal to work towards, then you are in a good position. Otherwise, do what it takes to get to that point. That's basically what some of the books will tell you anyway.

Sorry I couldn't suggest anything more in this reply.

I really enjoyed reading "The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck"
It taught me about giving a fuck only for the things that deserve it.

I also enjoyed "How To Win Friends and Influence People" which taught me that it's not about me - it's about being genuine with, and interested in, other people. My pride? Who gives a fuck! I'm embarrassed? Who gives a fuck!

I then read "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" which talks a lot about how to identify what it is you want, and what you care about, and how to align yourself and your life with that. It's a really positive book that I highly recommend reading!

Edit: I also absolutely loved "Meditations" by Marcus Aurelious which is generally about stoicism. The version I read was all "thou shalt", but I've seen somebody on Reddit quote a modern one which made for much easier reading! But Marcus Aurelious basically kept a journal of things he wanted to remind himself of, about his place in the world and his duty. I really, highly recommend it.

> The only thing i could do would be to try online dating

Try it! I've had three dates, and the woman I met for the third date wants another one. Sure, it's not much, but it's three more actual dates than I had previously :P

> and there i have no idea what to say to the girls. I'm horrible at all internet conversations, they always end right away since none of us has anything to say.

Questions. People love to talk about themselves, and they like that you're interested. And if they happen to have an interest or experience similar to yours, you can go "Oh, cool, I also [blah blah blah]".

In another thread there was a discussion about which books to read. How to Talk to Anyone is a good one, but the super-duper bedrock basement thing I'd emphasizes is to be curious.

Questions are good because people want to feel like you're interested in them. The big mistake people make is that they get nervous that they have nothing cute or smart or impressive to say, but you don't need to have amazing anecdotes of shark-wrestling or perfectly-delivered quips to be a good conversationalist. Those might not hurt, but ultimately, you want to find out more about the person you're talking to. Not just to demonstrate that you're a good listener, but because you don't want to be stuck with someone it turns out is awful :P If you don't ask questions, you'll never find out if that cute girl likes hiking and volunteering at the animal shelter, or if she's a member of an apocalyptic aryan brotherhood offshoot cult that's waiting for the End Times Race War.

--

Unless the End Times Race War cult is your thing, in which case imagine losing out on that girl because you never got to know her! ;)

You reminded me of this: https://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Guide-Developing-Lifes-Important/dp/0316167258
Highly recommend it, if it gives a negative impression, being too "pop-y", NYT best seller prole crap, it's not. The author has an interesting background and has worked in actual scientific studies.

It allowed me to understand why I reached the pinnacle of unhappiness, with effects bleeding over into extremely worrisome physiological effects (don't really like the distinction, but it provides some clarity in communication). I'm not the kind of person that accepts information in books without skepticism or critique/analysis, the sound logic, gauged by my prior knowledge/habit of extreme-systemizing humanity, made me realize that I had literally done the exact opposite on every single point (Autism had a lot to do with that. It has incredibly high suicide rates and comorbidities for a reason).

I also realized why some hermits/monks may have been able to genuinely maintain a state of genuine bliss in (near) constant isolation and I wasn't.

There's the problem of a likely massive selection bias, though. You'd be taking a major gamble, and are likely greatly underestimating the amount of time and effort that would be required to attain this. I mean spending years at a good Buddhist monastery or being guided by someone like Matthieu Ricard. Working on it by yourself (I'd highly recommend the book as a guide) would certainly improve your well being.

All I'm saying is don't take this lightly. There's a massive difference between having even one person in your life that you can talk openly with and no one at all. Although you are starting a graduate program, so I assume you're planning on a career where you'll have at least some relatable people (assortativity). Just being around people, but without any intimacy (I don't use the word synonymous with sex), a feeling of connection, meaningful conversations, isn't enough. What's so insidious about it is that the decline can be so gradual that by the time you realize/come to terms with it years of damage may have been done. If you feel your well being/mental health/happiness declining, bail immediately. Not saying you shouldn't reflect on it and just run towards something that feels safe.

There's also this: https://www.amazon.com/Loneliness-Human-Nature-Social-Connection/dp/0393335283

Sorry if I read too much into this. Haha, I am on flmodafinil and parnate. I just have a habit of warning people who may be going down a similar path.

"Man can do what he wants, but he cannot want what he wants."

"Man is to be surpassed."

Pay heed to biological/physical limitations, if you're going against eons of evolution, you're probably going to lose. Man will be surpassed, but the time hasn't yet come.

Oy, rereading your original post, I definitely read too much into this. Still, training over months can lessen the pain, but won't be sufficient, to the point where I'd recommend avoiding long stretches as much as possible unless you've arrived at a point in life where you have a very healthy baseline to return to.

Not trying to be uncaring here, but what are the chances you and your ex look at working it out? It sounds like she's broken and with luck maybe you can help.

Getting the Love you Want is a really amazing book.

I am sorry. This was probably the BEST advice given to me when I divorced and honestly it turned my life around into an amazing journey. So now, I share it with you because anyone going through a divorce should read this book. It helps, a lot! Buy it today and start reading. Leave everything in the past and keep moving forward. Today is a new day. The pen is in your hand and you write the outcome so make sure it's an amazing outcome. You can do it.

Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You Paperback – May 5, 2009
by Susan J. Elliott JD MEd

http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating/dp/0738213284

> I never really have to think about a guy pretending to be my friend because he wants to have sex with me...

Guys don't pretend to be friends to sleep with girls. Guys are friends with girls but also want to be more than that. It's usually when the guy realises that the friendship consists of them giving whilst getting nothing in return that they decide to end it.

Also, the friend who said this to you isn't much of a friend. Eric Berne wrote a rather good book called Games People Play that although quite hard to digest explains the sort of behavior your "friend" is engaging in.

If you haven't already then I can totally recommend you read "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie, it's an old book but brilliant, easy to read, and helped me a lot with understanding people and how they think.


 

Edit: A version of this book appears to be shared under Public Domain on archive.org, and is free to download in EPUB format if you are interested in checking it out.

There are some cases where I believe empathy gets in the way of morality. It's been well studied that empathy can cause people to be myopic with respect to doing the right thing. It causes people to feel the emotions of whoever is in their immediate frame of attention. If they act upon those emotions, they will often feel good about themselves even if, rationally speaking, they're making the problem worse.

This is a pretty great book on the topic

It sounds to me like this is a perfect example of a situation where a person's empathy interfered with their ability to do the right thing.

/u/HeatherLaFrito I think it was selfish of you to buy those fish, even if it felt to you like it was the right thing to do at the time. Hopefully you will take good care of them but think better of such things in the future. Of course, you could also try to return them. That would probably be the best option.

Okay, read this book. It’s a bit science heavy, but literally changed my life on attachment behaviors and helped me recognize when I’m falling into them.

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find-and Keep-Love: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find--and Keep-- Love

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0049H9AVU/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_HHWBDbTR78S7C

No, you are not alone.
First thing, I recommend you check out Party of One: The Loner's Manifesto. I recommend it often and I think the author will resonate with you.
Secondly, if you want to make some friends you're going to have to move out of your comfort zone. Join a club, or something like that which will initially give you a framework within which to talk to people you meet there who should share at least one common interest. How do you progress from 'acquaintance' to good friend? Fucked if I know, I'm still trying to work out that bit.

This book helped me immensely http://www.amazon.com/How-Stop-Worrying-Start-Living/dp/0671733354

For right now, just see if you can think of 3 good positive things about yourself. No one but you needs to know about them. Asking this question frequently will help you learn to refocus onto more positive things in life and about yourself. Maybe see if you can ask yourself this question every morning when you wake up and/or whenever you are going to sleep.

Also, research "Kaizen" philosophy.

Good luck, fellow traveler

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0738213284/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_R136CbRW8EGJ9


Read this book. Get it ASAP. Promise it helps. I’ve used this book as almost a bible before. I carried it around and read parts I needed reminded of when I would think about talking to him/remembering the “good” times.

I would also recommend looking into your attachment style and how that has affected your relationship ships or need for them.

Best of luck to you!!! 🤘🏻💜

This isn't fiction, but I really enjoyed Party of One: A loners manifesto

https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1569245134/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&psc=1

And this book on psychological defense mechanisms I read recently and found deeply facinating and helpful. Not all of it applied to me, but I found bits of it really insisive at helping me understand how I process things.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Do-That-Psychological-Mechanisms-ebook/dp/B009PA63YI/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1496506185&sr=1-3&keywords=why+do+i+do+that

And lots of people recommend Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking-ebook/dp/B0074YVW1G/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1496505896&sr=8-1&keywords=introvert

Which I haven't read, but think I would really like. I get frustrated too at the lack of representation in fiction.

Is there anything you've read on this topic you would recommend?

You know, you don't have to "fit in" or do anything you don't want to do. You want to be hermit? Be a hermit. You want to be a healthy introvert that has healthy, introvert-style social interactions? Then be that.

It sounds like you need some validation. I was there once. I recommend this book: http://www.amazon.com/Party-One-The-Loners-Manifesto/dp/1569245134. Give it a read. It's written by an introverted woman who has been there, done that, came out on the other side, and can tell you that being introverted is what you make of it, and there are lots of us out here that live wonderful, introverted lives. It is very much possible.

Yes, if you try and pretend you're an extrovert and you try to act in an extroverted way, you'll end up being miserable. Yes, as an introvert, you will be the life of a party, the center of attention, etc. less often than if you were extroverted.

However, primarily, it sounds like you've got some social anxiety issues. I've been there and done that as well. You CAN work through it and learn to not be so goddamn anxious in social situations. Social anxiety is not forever.

You're young. Everything feels so urgent and immediate when you're young, and I know it seems like OMG IS THIS FOREVER?!? It's not forever, though. Hell, my teenage years were easily the worst in my life. Every year of my life since then has been WAAAAY better.

So you'll get through this. Be patient. You don't need to have all the answers right now. Just know that you'll figure it out when you need to. And really, don't worry too much about whether your mom really, truly understands you. You just need to understand you.

Finally, here's another way to look at things: Introverts might be in the minority on this earth, but LGBT people are an even smaller minority (maybe 1 in 10), and yet somehow manage to get through EVERYONE not understanding them. And many end up living long, fabulous lives.

If I were you I would start training Social and Positive Thinking. A few points in each should do.

Here is a skill book that gives you free points in Social when you read it.

Here is a skill book which gives you a free point Positive Thinking.

These are also known to give a temporary boost to the related skills if you take one every day.

Goodluck and don't worry, it gets much easier in the later levels.

Criterion Collection. All of it.

Hemingway. "Old Man And the Sea" is delightful and a quick read. You don't want to die not having read it. What else is the point?

That said: Prioritize. Spending time with friends or away from computers is way more important than any of this. Have fun or learn how to do that (tl;dr: Most of your judgements are false, get over yourself).

Gratitude. You're sitting in front of a computer. You're pretty rich.

"Nirvana" read by Tom Waits.

Your situation is complex, and other people will never know exactly how it is. My recommendation is to read this book and reevaluate it all for yourself. It saved me from years of heartache. I'm not saying it applies to your (former) relationship, but it will help shed some light on things and help you decide what to do next. Best of luck! https://www.amazon.com/dp/product-description/0767921968

> Overall, mentally challenging but I can tell that it's a VERY useful skill. I'm keen to improve on it :)

Me too, that's why recently I've bought It's Not All About "Me". Though I haven't put anything into Anki, I found it quite useful read. I've tried to implement one technique, however, to no avail.

I recommend reading The Truth by u/iamneilstrauss https://www.amazon.com/Truth-Uncomfortable-Book-About-Relationships/dp/0060898763

Even better, if you're really looking for love, check out Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix: https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Love-You-Want-Anniversary/dp/0805087001

You're welcome!

You don't know what the future holds and have anxiety about possibilities. These possibilities are predictions about the future you are making in your head. They aren't actually real, they haven't happened yet. I have to bet (because it happens to me all the time) that most of the anxiety is from things that probably will never happen at all. So don't worry about those potential situations because they aren't real right now. Don't worry, be happy! A happy calm attitude is the best way to navigate the rough seas of life.

As someone who recently graduated as well, this book is full of amazing advice. I cannot recommend it more for your situation: How To Stop Worrying And Start Living - Dale Carnegie Try picking up a cheap used copy. Just getting into reading itself helped me control my anxiety.

Leo Babatua at ZenHabits has also been a vital resource for me.

Best wishes friend!

Personally, I think this is an area that all individuals can and should always actively be working to improve regardless of how great they feel their EQ is. I just recently purchased this test/book after taking the strength finder version. You may find it useful as well https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Intelligence-2-0-Travis-Bradberry/dp/0974320625. :]

You sound like an interesting person! I think introvertedness is underrated. I'm really introverted, too. I've wanted to read this book for a long time.

I, too, love food. It's probably what I spend most of my money on. I love cooking and eating out and snacking!

Canada is totally beautiful. What's your dog's name? Are you going to reveal your movie list on RAOA? (Please do.)

Here are a couple of resources that I've transferred over to Table Topics (Impromptu Speaking). And to echo others, yes, practice is the key.

Quiet. The Power of Introverts in a world that can't stop talking
Fantastic advice for those that are introverts, basically 'plan' your impromptu speaking by having 2-3 ready to tell stories that work in almost any given situation (http://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352153)

How to talk to anyone.
Great book for social situations. Many of the lesson translate to impromptu (http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Anyone-Success-Relationships-ebook/dp/B000SEI4V0/)

Bonus:
How to win friends and influence people (need I say any more?)
Don Hewitt, Tell me a story (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4HQazDTPwk)

That's horrible. But tomorrow is another day. Try to do better tomorrow. You can do it. If you like funny helpful books read this: https://www.amazon.ca/Its-Called-Breakup-Because-Broken/dp/0767921968 It helped me get through some things it's good for a lot of things. It does cover over eating your breakup. It's cheap and story segmented with good anecdotes. Feel better, you've lost 50 pounds that's a lot of good work and excellent dedication.

29 M

01 Three things helped me over time.

Search for awareness wheel and read about that.

This book also helped me tremendously: https://www.amazon.com/Its-Not-All-About-Techniques-ebook/dp/B0060YIBLK . Its only 90 pages so try to finish it haha.

I also watched the mystery method when I was 18 and although it is cringe as fuck, the "methods" actually closely links to the book above. Successfully picking up girls boosted my confidence and that also made a huge impact.

02 Struggled until around 18. Started going out and talked to random people in bars, picked up girls etc. And eventually just figured it out. Got more mature from there using the the awareness wheel and the methods in the book.

03 I actively listen to what they are saying rather than think of what I want to say next.

04 As I gained confidence, this sorted itself out.

05 Ask people questions and let them talk about themselves. See book in number 1.

06 Ask people questions and let them talk about themselves. See book in number 1.

She has a book titled "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking". It's an incredible book with some history of societal attitudes about introversion/extroversion, and how to apply it to healthier home and workplace situations.

One of the great things about it is that it doesn't try to position either end of the spectrum as ideal, but rather shows that the most productive and rewarding environments are those where both introverts and extroverts work together and have the opportunity to contribute in the way they are most comfortable.

I don't have any great books along the lines of "A Day in the Life of a Lawyer", but I do have some suggestions if that's the career path that she's interested in.

Law 101: A great primer on current law/interpretation that tries to keep it approachable. It's a solid catch-all without getting deep into any one thing.

Getting to Yes and Thank You for Arguing: Two great books on negotiation, which is really one of the key fundamentals to any legal career.

What I've learned in multiple shitty jobs is that we're usually a lot more resilient and adaptable than we think. That job is going to be hell for you in the beginning, but something worth remembering all the time is that it will become easier and easier with repetition. You might not ever like it, but it will certainly become easier to tolerate, and one day looking back it will just be a mild annoyance in your life/career.

Edit: A more practical tip is listening to good audiobooks on the topic of how to understand and deal with people. You can start with Dale Carnegie, but I'm sure there are modern alternatives focused on the retail life.

rewards and punishment never worked on me either; they just made me feel trapped and resentful. I'm not sure why, but some part of my brain was really not okay with it. I had to actually want to improve myself before anything changed. and even then, too much external pressure to change could stop me from changing.

so, I didn't shower regularly until I started wanting to impress boys. actually.. a lot of things changed once I was interested in boys. :)

I'm not sure how you can get him honestly interested in self-improvement, though... it's such an individual thing...

oh, but there is a book on the subject! Punished by Rewards. maybe that will give you some ideas :)

First of all, I'm so sorry. I know the pains of not being able to eat, being anxiety ridden, on the verge of tears, and feeling like I'm going to jump out of my skin from a terrible break up. After 4 years of dating, and our last year being on and off, because I kept finding out about all of the times he had cheated on me, and the final straw was when I walked in on him making out with the town slut. I had tried to make it work, and was devastated that my efforts were just shrugged off like I was nothing.

I cried for what felt like forever, and drinking wine at night was the only way for me to get any sleep. THANKFULLY, a girl friend that I wasn't so close with at the time, but had also gone through the most traumatizing break up I've ever heard of, messaged me and said we need to meet up for beer. I did, and the first thing she did was whip out a book called, "It's Called a Break Up Because It's Broken". After she said it was by the same guy who wrote, "He's Just Not That Into You", but convinced me to read it, and I thought, what the hell, it seemed to help her to be strong after her bad break up.

LET ME TELL YOU, I laughed out loud, wept and cried, and found myself whimpering in a heartbreaking voice, "Yeah I know..." It helped me build myself back up, gave me a set of rules to follow, and I couldn't be happier that I "left" that relationship completely.

Some Key Points that I followed from the book that really helped was the No Contact for 60 Days (at the least). It goes more into detail about how to go about this, and this was always the hardest for me, since I am so stubborn, and wanted to fix the problem with the problem.

Another one is, after being sad for a little bit, you have to stop being sad and get out. That means go travel to other cities, and switch up the scene a little bit. After about 3 weeks of crying, I planned out the next three weekends to be out of town, and that was the best decision for me. The first weekend I went to Key West, FL, the next I went to see my best and oldest friend (and ended up having so much fun that I was laughing in my sleep), and then NYC to see friends up there. I met so many people, and remembered, "Oh yeah, I'm awesome, and a happy person.."

The thing that sucks about break ups the most is that it takes time. Just remember it's all so temporary, and that this you are just in the thick of it right now, but you are strong enough to get through it.

Good Luck, and please post us with any progress in the coming weeks!

http://www.amazon.com/Its-Called-Breakup-Because-Broken/dp/0767921968/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1405871724&sr=1-1&keywords=it%27s+called+a+breakup+because+it%27s+broken

Oh man! I'm taking care of my dad with dementia full time and half the time I want to murder him. It is HARD.

I strongly suggest that you find a psychotherapist to talk to and work this out with. It will take a few years but the earlier you start working through your emotions and feelings, the sooner you can move on with your life.

There are things worse than death. Anybody telling you "at least she's still alive," is not speaking through experience. They have no idea... Forgive them. And try not to let their words affect you. They are speaking through ignorance.

I cannot imagine being raised by a parent with dementia... Your feelings are valid. In case you cannot afford a therapist (totally plausible in our country), I suggest reading books. These suggestions may seem off topic, but i have found them to be very helpful in learning how people should interact, how the brain develops, and that there are people out there who interact with the people in their lives with empathy and compassion. You may find it empowering to educate yourself about brain development and psychology.

Parenting from the Inside Out: How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive, Dan Siegel

Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children's Behavioral Challenges

Emotional Intelligence 2.0

I wish you luck in life!

NOT MY CARD

Sometimes I feel like the men I pick are all [frauds...] (http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0767921968/ref=aw_ls_3_1?colid=26SWLD702LW5B&coliid=I3RRLV88VVV9JZ) They say they want a long lasting relationship... Yea right. They won't eat red meat in front if me... Yea sure. That ex that keeps talking to them is the ex that they keep texting... He says he loves cats but is more of a dog person...and won't pet my pups... Okay, yep that was true.

Thanks for the contest!!!!!

Dale Carnegie's How to Stop Worrying and Start Living is a classic. A bit dated today, perhaps, and not the most in-depth or scientific option, but the basic principles all still apply. And it's a great way to really get a solid practical grasp on your anxiety issues and start working on them immediately by taking concrete steps. Carnegie is excellent at keeping the reader engaged and putting his advice into easily understandable and relatable terms. I still think of his "day-tight compartments" metaphor all the time.

I think many people experience this feeling to a greater or lesser degree.

Social norms change from group to group and with age and for a lot of other reasons, and just when you think you have got it right someone changes them again.

There is a fine line between trying to fit in and trying to have a mind of your own and be your own person.

Personally I prefer being me, not what someone else wants me to be. The people I attract are those with a bigger view of the world. Those that I put off are generally the ones I would want to steer clear of (in my mind insincere and shallow).

A good book to look at is How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.

This is such an idiotic strawman. "You have to let them all in or they'll die!"

Stop being so dramatic. The vast majority of these people aren't even war refugees, they're economic migrants looking to suck the welfare tit. They're simply here to take advantage of you. And people like you are so blinded by your supposed "empathy" that you'd rather play the sucker than accept reality.

As for those who are actual refugees? We can create safe zones. We can help set up living in places like Turkey as we already are. And, in fact, we can help far more by doing this, because resettling them near their homes costs 1/3 of moving them to the west. But then oh, I forgot, you don't get to virtue signal if we resettle them somewhere else. You don't get to march in the street with your "refugees" (migrants) welcome sign. And that's what this is really about for people like you. Vanity. You don't care about helping the maximum amount of people. You care about proving your own moral superiority. And if thousands of Europeans have to raped/gunned down/ run over? Well, that's a price you're willing to pay for your vanity. Because you're just so empathetic.

Get yourself a Christmas gift.

Right off the bat, "When Someone You Love is Kinky" is a book I would recommend, also here's some links that I found geared more towards the Christian belief system:

http://www.porn-free.org/BDSM_sadomasochism_bondage.htm

http://bdsm-sexperts.blogspot.ca/p/christian-kink-faq.html

http://www.lavendermagazine.com/uncategorized/christian-bdsm-christian-yes-vanilla-not-necessarily/

http://bdsm-sexperts.blogspot.ca/p/christian-bdsm.html

There's allot you can do with a simple Google Search, but if you want more "solid" resources then besides the bible you can check out some of the books I've posted on my BDSM Resource Collection.

Anyway good luck,

Cheers.

True about your dad. The only reason I ever got in contact with him was because he originally wrote me. I tried contacting his mom after I knew he was already dead but she didn't reply to me. I've also been rejected by a few half brothers.

Sorry about the hospital issue. That sounds so scary! My daughter was in the hospital for 11 days a few years ago after 10 days of a 104+ fever. They kept telling me "it's just a virus". Then they thought Kawasaki Disease and it turned out to be something called CMV that was a virus but it causes big issues for people who are immune suppressed. It's tough for me to be so strong for her sometimes but her and her baby brother are why I wake up each morning and keep trudging along.

That's interesting we both have the issue with people breaking law or not following rules. Im very very very particular about all of that too. In fact my boyfriend is a cop lol. I wonder what it is about our past that triggers that kind of a reaction.

There's a really good book I found years ago called ["Getting the Love You Want"](https://www.amazon.com/dp/0805087001/ref=cm_sw_r_awd_Fs7avb1PR7X2E
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0805087001/ref=cm_sw_r_awd_Fs7avb1PR7X2E) and it talks about how the relationships you choose are based off of what was lacking in your childhood. In some ways you subconsciously pick someone similar to your parent or whoever and try to recreate and fix what went wrong back then. I can definitely see it with some of my relationships. Maybe you could get a copy and read through it and see if it could help you?

Yes. Therapy now. I'll tell you a story of a person I once knew. He was not good looking by any means, but his personality so outweighed his visual looks that it was very easy to completely ignore his looks. He was a really nice, really fun and quirky guy. I know it's tough (I've been bullied, too), but please see a therapist and develop your personality. Once you start doing things that engage you, you will become a lot more interesting. People who judge you on looks alone are not people with whom you want to hang out.

P.S. I read Brene Brown's Daring Greatly and it really helped me a lot. I highly recommend it.

Edited to add book.

I'm reading "Getting the love you want" and it's changed the way I look at relationships and why we choose the people we choose. I can't recommend it enough: https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Love-You-Want-Anniversary/dp/0805087001

​

Also, The Book of Life by The School of Life is an amazing resource for understanding yourself and others. This website changed my life: https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/category/relationships/?index

​

Best of luck to all of you!

Rewards and punishments don’t work. There is a great book by Alfie Kohn called Punished by Rewards that has some good info.


Here is a link to a bunch of sources about why time outs don’t work.

It needs to be about engaging the underlying need of the child. Time outs are a form of emotional withdrawal which is often what the child is craving or trying to get. So typically this has the opposite effect. We have never used timeouts with our 5yo girls. Instead we talk with them about appropriate behavior and if they need to time to cool off because of their emotions we have an emotion chart to help them discuss things while we have a “time in.” A “time in” is where we sit with them (sometimes after doing some deep breaths together) and help them parse our their emotions. Reminding them that no matter what they DO...we love them for who they ARE, which includes the “big feelings” they sometimes have. But even with the “big feelings” there are behaviors that are unacceptable (hitting, name calling, etc).

Our love is not conditional on their behavior. A time out, while not intended this way, can be interpreted by the child as “you only love me when I behave a certain way.”

Another great book is Unconditional Parenting also by Alfie Kohn. A little light on the practicals but it was foundational for my wife and I in how we wanted to raise our girls.

You may want to look into the book "When Someone You Love Is Kinky".

I haven't read it, but I will caution that despite writing a number of popular, well-known books Hardy and Easton can be difficult to relate to. They wrote some significant books when they were essentially the only ones writing them, so that attracted a lot of attention. But now they're covering the same topics from the perspective of being queer, upper-middle class Baby Boomers from the Bay Area. Even before you get into personal attitudes (e.g. they tend to be rather spiritual and focus a lot on issues of identity) that's something that a lot of us just aren't going to be able to relate to. And I say that as a mid-thirties kinky San Francisco resident from an upper-middle class background. However, if you take it from a non-dogmatic viewpoint (something that they're actually not always good about themselves, I find they generalize a lot) you might be able to get some good advice about how to handle things.

Really, that's one of the best pieces of advice. BDSM is awash with people stating personal preferences as absolutes. Get a lot of advice from numerous sources and figure out what does and doesn't work for you.

One thing I'm not seeing people talking about here is what you're into. What are your sexual desires and fantasies? Before you can start to focus on someone else's you really need to be in touch with your own. How would you expect to handle a situation where one of them doesn't align with your wife's? For example, the incredibly common male fantasy of a threesome with two women. If your wife isn't interested in women that's probably going to be a bit of a non-starter and it's not like someone can just change their sexual preferences to suit their partner's interests. How would you handle that? How much of your own desires or wants is appropriate to suppress in order to get along with your partner? How essential are those views to you? There aren't many easy answers here, but a lot of personal reflection and understanding. This is something you'll have to each figure out alone and then discuss together.

I enjoyed reading your introspective perspective and how you relate to Abed. I relate to all the characters, but I associate most with Abed because of my need to obsessively catalog things and worry over minute details. He also has an affinity to pop culture that I find kindred to my own.

I, like you, also see no point to diagnosing AS. It feels like pseduo-science, and as you say there's no benefit to diagnosing it. I applaud you, however, for seeing a therapist. I am against those who dissuade you from therapy because they rely on stereotypes rather than fact. Therapists are just like any other profession, and I'm glad you found one that is helping you. Here are my opinions on a couple of things I noticed:

> But people also baffle and exhaust me, and I don’t trust most of them. They generalize and assume based on very limited data sets. They touch me. From behind. In crowds. They ignore the words I have so carefully arranged to say exactly what I want them to say and project their own insecurities and needs and prejudices. They treat me like an extension of them; they subsume who I am and what I say into whatever role they want or need me to fill and then punish me when I fail to follow a script I can’t see.

I definitely see you as carrying many of the properties of an introvert, especially when you say people exhaust you. An introvert thrives on being alone and has to recharge after social situations. An introvert doesn't hate people and isn't anti-social, but sees social interaction as a chore at times. You say you're self-employed and content with that. I would check out /r/introvert just in case you'd like more on this.

You also limit yourself by saying "I am not ever going to be an elite athlete or the CEO of a fortune-500 company." I read the book, "Quiet" by Susan Cain, and it is truly empowering to know how many introverts are in high ranking positions. I don't consider myself an introvert but there are parts of the book that I strongly associated with, like how quiet leadership is not an oxymoron. I recommend reading that if this jives with how you feel.

These books

Parenting from the inside out https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00HZ1E5BM/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

as well as:

Attached https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Attachment-Find-Keep-Love-ebook/dp/B0049H9AVU/ref=sr_1_1_ha?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1496770776&sr=1-1&keywords=attached

were both recommended books by my T.

The latter is more focused on you yourself where as the first one is focused on how you can understand your own attachment as well as how to parent with a more secure attachment

Read The Charisma Myth.

The equation that produces charisma is actually fairly simple. All you have to do is give the impression that you possess both high power and high warmth, since charismatic behaviors project a combination of these two qualities. “Fight or flight?” is the power question. “Friend or foe” is the warmth question.

To be charismatic doesn’t require that one be naturally outgoing, physically attractive, or need to change their personality.

Possible to be a charismatic introvert.

Three quick tips to gain an instant charisma boost in conversation:

• Lower the intonation of your voice and the end of your sentences.
  
• Reduce how quickly and how often you nod.
  
• Pause for two full seconds before you speak.

Bit late to this discussion but you might like the book Against Empathy by Paul Bloom: https://www.amazon.com/Against-Empathy-Case-Rational-Compassion/dp/0062339338

I heard about it on a Sam Harris Podcast which was fascinating. Basically the argument is that what most people mean by empathy is instead compassion and that actually empathy often leads to bad emotional decisions and burnout in the workplace.

Here's the podcast if you're interested: https://soundcloud.com/samharrisorg/the-virtues-of-cold-blood-a-conversation-with-paul-bloom

Matthieu Ricard also talks about this from a Buddhist perspective in a great TED talk if you can find it.

It sounds like you're arguing it's advantageous to be extroverted in modern society, and while I'd definitely agree that extroversion is (somewhat sadly) held in higher esteem than introversion, that doesn't mean there are no advantages to being introverted. For more reading on this topic, check out the excellent book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain (here's a TED talk from her as well). She does a better job of explaining things than I ever could (especially because I'm a bit of an extrovert myself), so I'll leave you with these.

Did we talk about attachment styles in your other thread? I'd suggest doing a lot of reading about adult attachment and applying it to your own life. A lot of people have recommend the book Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find and keep love. I haven't read it myself though.

I strongly suspect you have an anxious attachment style, which will drive your partners away as well as making you attracted to men who are unavailable and 'bad' for you. It is possible to change your attachment style with lots of self-awareness and work, though.

Neediness comes from "insecurity", a psychology technical term from attachment theory. I'm confident this book will help you. It's a classic in the field, easy to get at a library or on Amazon.

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

by Levine and Heller

​

https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Attachment-Find-Keep-Love-Find-ebook/dp/B0049H9AVU/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1543506185&sr=8-3&keywords=attached+the+new+science+of+adult+attachment

​

​

Not speaking up in meetings will definitely slow your career development. Speaking in meetings is as you guessed often code for visibility, but there are a lot of things you can do to help your visibility before working on speaking in meetings (which you will have to learn how to do to be a successful senior dev). Take notes to email to the whole team, email out you / your teams accomplishment, volunteer to take notes at standup, share your learnings with the team, pair program, ect. As long as your immediate co-workers are seeing you get involved with all aspects of the team, that is a good start.

As to speaking in meetings, as someone how also had to overcome "I'd rather ad nothing than just fill the air with stupid / unnecessary thoughts". Get in the conversation early. I made a rule for myself early on that I had to say something in the first 5 minutes, and after that I could be quiet if I just didn't have anything to say.

If it resonates with you, I'd recommend reading Quiet It has a lot of practical advice on how to have big impact even if you are on the quieter side.

If you haven't already, you should check out adult attachment theory. It sounds like you might have had experiences which lead you toward an avoidant attachment style. I'm one myself, and the good news is that such styles are malleable.

There's a great short read on the subject called Attached that helped a lot, but there's a ton of great websites on that as well.

Honestly, he sounds like a dreadful person. I know it hurts a lot now, and I wish as well there were something that could help speed it up. But it's all part of the process to get you to the new, better place you're going. And you'll get there!

Also, I have not read this nor am I affiliated with it, but I hear positive things: http://www.amazon.com/Its-Called-Breakup-Because-Broken/dp/0767921968

Hugs!

"she's not going to change," always my favorite JustNo excuse. Must be nice to control the world and everyone in it so we all have to work around the MILs personality. 🙄

As a practical matter if she's not boundary stomping you to death, I'd keep trying to coexist. Though you might want to remind your DH that he married you when you have the quiet, reserved personality you have now - it's not like you sprung it on him after the fact. Did his attraction to you include the fact that you have a more restful personality than his family? And if so, why would he want you to change it?

ETA: Also, this book is excellent and very informative about introverts, I highly recommend it!

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004J4WNL2/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_9LI2CbQ1WKHWF

• Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People
  
• The 48 Laws of Power
  
• How To Win Friends and Influence People
  
• Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In
  
  ​
  
  Edit: Added titles

Have you read Party of One: The Loners' Manifesto yet? You must.

Don't worry about whether you "appear" boring to others. They have no idea of all the thoughts and ideas that flood our minds. You just need to find people like yourself, people who don't need others for energy or to feel alive like extroverts do.

You're in college so you might think that if you're not hanging out at the frat parties or you're not hanging out in the popular people's dorm rooms shootin' the shit with everyone else, that you're being anti-social. Been there, done that. Find the club—or start one (get an extrovert to help you spread the word)—that organizes relatively small groups to play board games (the people who gravitate to board game nights are usually our type of people). There are other introverts at college who do want to spend some time around others—but not a lot (need that recharge time)—to have deep discussions, talk about current events in meaningful ways, or maybe get a pizza and watch a favorite movie.

We're loners, but that doesn't mean we're alone (big distinction!). You will find your soul mate who gets you, who understands what it's like to be you, and he or she will likely not be an extrovert.

Jesus Christ... praise is a form of positive reinforcement. A behaviour is reinforced “encouraged” by definition from the praise which is the reward or recognition of performing said behaviour.

https://www.amazon.ca/Punished-Rewards-Trouble-Incentive-Praise/dp/0618001816

Keep reading.

This sounds like goal based vs. process based, except the goals are based on one day as opposed to long term.

I think about this a lot. In the book Punished by Rewards (https://www.amazon.com/Punished-Rewards-Trouble-Incentive-Praise/dp/0618001816), the author basically argues that if your motivation for doing X is to get Y, then you focus too much on Y and performance would drop doing X. I.e. if you are learning math in school, you'll focus on getting an A rather than actually focusing on the material you're learning.

If you do it time based, it's more like a process rather than focusing on the reward. Which, in a way is better, I think. Although, I think you have to be careful with this model because if you want to take out the trash and walk around in the living room for 2 hours in a circle with the trash bag, the trash still isn't taken out. Someone else could take the trash out in 1 minute if they had a good strategy of going directly outside.

Hell, maybe try making it interest curve based (http://designaday.tumblr.com/post/99397472912/interest-curve), where you read 1 chapter + the beginning of another chapter. At that point, you'll either read the whole additional chapter because you are curious or at least you'll be curious the next day to read the chapter.

First, congratulations!

It's different work and while it's still technical it's now about people but it can be learned. Find a mentor who is not your boss. Seriously. It's good to have one or more advocates in the organization because there are limits to what "push" vs "pull" can achieve but it's their advice that you need to reduce your mistakes and effectively review them afterward.

I'll add to the book recommendations already here (The Phoenix Project, Team of Teams, Leaders Eat Last) and suggest:

• Peopleware by DeMarco, et. al.
  
• Drive, by Pink
  
• Influence, by Cialdini
  
• Seeing the Big Picture, by Cope
  
• Getting to Yes, by Fisher
  
• Behind Closed Doors, by Rothman & Derby (efficiently summarizes a dozen other books).
  
• The Hard Thing About Hard Things, by Horowitz. (your boss probably read this, get insight into their thinking)
  
  Good luck!

> should I stop trying?

Absolutely not, this is reason to keep trying. You just haven't met your true friends yet, but you will eventually.

If people aren't returning the invites or hanging out, drop them and move onto other people. It's pretty much like dating in that regard, you'll get time wasters and flaky people however if you rummage through enough shit you'll eventually find some treasure worth keeping!


On a side note, I keep hearing people recommending the book How to Win Friends and Influence People. I'm not sure if it is any use to you (I haven't got round to reading it yet, procrastination..) but thought i'd mention it anyway.

You can take it all the way back to Uri and Fischer's Getting to Yes, published in 1981. Among other things, they talk about BATNA: Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement.


It is very RP. The point is that you must have options, and the better your options are, the better deal you can get for yourself because you are always willing to walk away from any situation that will not improve on what you already have waiting in the wings.


If you go into a job interview, your sparkling resume is less important than having another employment offer in your back pocket.

Most people consider this one of the better ones. Getting to Yes. There are lots of good tips and it's more of a beginners guide, but it does provide some good framework in general.

With that being said, negotiating is more art than science. While the tools are helpful, there is no end-all be-all for becoming a great negotiator.

My wife left last October and I felt the same way you do. Three months out I feel much better than when it started. Like others have said "it's time to work on you". Physical activity will help greatly. This book is helping me now. Hang in there. It does get better :)

I believe that educating yourself about shame is the best thing you can do for yourself and ultimately others. Read (or listen to) "Daring Greatly" and "Neurosis And Human Growth". These books have lead to discovery which has lead to understanding which has lead to peace, for me. 100% chance they will help you too. :)

---

https://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms/dp/1592408419/ref=sr_1_3?keywords=daring+greatly&qid=1567279095&s=gateway&sr=8-3

---

https://www.amazon.com/Neurosis-Human-Growth-Struggle-Self-Realization/dp/0393307751/ref=sr_1_1?crid=EQAV5UKFJ9YP&keywords=neurosis+and+human+growth+karen+horney&qid=1567279160&s=gateway&sprefix=neurosis+%2Caps%2C197&sr=8-1

Be patient with yourself, and him, but don't be afraid to set limits and boundaries, either. Dunno where you are at in the pregnancy, but it's okay to say, "I need to know about X by week 12 so that I can make decisions," or whatever.

How you guys communicate with each other is really important, too; I'd recommend looking up some books that are about communicating. This one is online and is the same clinic my husband I went through therapy with a few years ago, and we still use the techniques:
http://www.slideshare.net/24lindsey/microsoft-word-your-partner-maledoc

I'd also recommend this book - my husband and I worked through this one also on our own. It has some background info that can help you understand your partner and also offers specific exercises you guys can do together (or just you) that will help you figure out your goals. Fair warning though, there is some religious talk in this one; I was able to ignore it since I'm not religious, but if you aren't, you may want to find a different one.
http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Love-You-Want-Anniversary/dp/0805087001

Personally I've found there to be few helpful books which directly relate to management consulting / business strategy. The only one that I've found really helpful is:

• Winning - an overall look on business strategies and philosophies used by Jack Welch (former CEO of GE)
  
  But here are some books that are very helpful in developing people / soft skills essential to effective consultants:
  
  
• Getting to Yes - an incredible book on negotating skills.
  
• How to Argue and Win Every Time - not as argumentative as it sounds, this is a great book which is hugely helpful on how to present your positions and how to get the best outcome for everyone in a situation.
  
• Influence - brilliant book on the ways in which we are influenced to do things.
  
• The 48 Laws of Power - a very Machiavellian put pragmatic look on the ways in which personal power is gained / lost.
  
• Vital Lies, Simple Truths - how to recognise self deception that we're all prone to and how to overcome its limitations
  
• The Blank Slate - a mindblowing book on human psychology and what we're naturally predisposed to be. Helps you to better understand people and their motivations in not just business but all aspects of life. Read from Part 2 onwards.

Wow, that book looks great! The top review on its Amazon page is downright glowing. Thanks for the recommendation!

You need to think through what you want to say, write it down in a list of bullet points and sub points with specific examples. That will help you stay on topic and make sure that you've covered everything that you want to cover.

Make sure to phrase things in a non-accusatory manner. If your parents get upset, reiterate that you're not making accusation, simply stating the fact that specific behaviors make you feel in a certain way, and are are doing so in the interest of resolving the issues as those issues are causing you to not want to spend time with your parents.

They may very well dismiss some of your concerns as unreasonable, but address others.

I suggest buying a copy of Getting to Yes and giving it a read before you talk to them. It's a thin book and an easy read.

Oh man yeah I agree.

For the longest time I thought it was only for people that were in immediate danger of suicide so I was scared to call for the longest time. I was having these thoughts ever since I was 8, but there's only been two times where I came close (8 and 16).

Ever since my breakup with my girlfriend of 5 1/2 years a couple weeks ago. The thoughts came back strong. I kept telling myself shit like "If I still feel this way by the time I'm 30 (I'm 26), I'm just going to end it" and a bunch of stuff in that vein. Therapist told me that I should never be afraid to call them if you feel like it'd be a benefit to you to. Because of my therapist, meditation, fitness, this book, and the suicide line I believe I'm in a better place now though.

Just keep that in mind that you should never be afraid to call. If you don't feel comfortable with your current person on the line, hang up and call again.

I feel like this advice could have benefited me a LOT seven years ago even though I wasn't at the immediate point of ending it.

My guess is that it's not really a sex issue but an intimacy issue.

watch this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o
she has another speech called "listening to shame", and a book called "Daring greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"

https://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms/dp/1592408419/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=daring+greatly&qid=1556076505&s=gateway&sr=8-1

I get where you are coming from. Wonderful relationships can be a huge trigger for our childhood stuff. I, too, had a narcissistic mother and an absent father. It's taken 3 years of solid work in AA, CoDA, therapy, self help books, etc. But I'm finally starting to make some real progress. However this book had the greatest impact on me.

https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Love-You-Want-Anniversary/dp/0805087001/ref=pd_sbs_14_t_0?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=XMEMRGD63ZJBFWN5Z50F

It really explained a LOT of my feelings and behaviors and also outlined some really good solutions. I also did a lot of work around core beliefs and read a lot of Brene Brown's work on shame.

Either way, this is some internal work you have to do. BUT! Good news is, you CAN get through it. PM me if you want to chat more.

There are a few books that may help, How To Win Friends and Influence People, How to Talk to Anyone, People Styles at Work

Other than that, you might try some relaxing apps or apps that deal with social anxiety.

to those who are down-voting: https://www.amazon.com/Against-Empathy-Case-Rational-Compassion/dp/0062339338
"With precision and wit, he demonstrates how empathy distorts our judgment in every aspect of our lives, from philanthropy and charity to the justice system; from medical care and education to parenting and marriage. Without empathy, Bloom insists, our decisions would be clearer, fairer, and—yes—ultimately more moral.

Brilliantly argued, urgent and humane, AGAINST EMPATHY shows us that, when it comes to both major policy decisions and the choices we make in our everyday lives, limiting our impulse toward empathy is often the most compassionate choice we can make."

Hmmm. Ok, interesant. Cred ca inteleg cel putin sentimentul.

[pauza de gandire]

Ok, O sa iau de bine tot ce mi-ai zis, si incerc sa vin cu chestii din directii diverse.

In primul rand e posibil ca in interactiunile pe care le ai sa nu faci interlocutorul sa se simta bine. Nu prin defecte, ci pentru ca nu ai prins arta de a "peria social" pe cineva. Pot sa-ti recomand asta, e cea mai faina resursa pe care o stiu in domeniu, si ca bonus e extrem de scurta - am recitit-o recent intr-un zbor+aeroport.

A doua chestie e sa subliniez si mai mult ideea de context. E un pic offtopic si long read, dar uite o discutie despre subiectul asta. N-o sa incerc sa reproduc aici, slava domnului ca e destul de detaliat subiectul acolo. Dar ideea e ca trebe neaparat sa cauti cercuri cu subiecte care iti plac. Ai fi surprinsa, dar exista pe orice domeniu. Facebook and stuff nu ajuta la socializare per se, poate cel mult sa gasesti grupuri pe domeniile respective. De cont de messenger cel putin ai nevoie.

A treia varianta e sa iesim la o bere. Daca esti draguta e foarte probabil sa flirtez, dar pot sa promit ca o sa fiu (posibil brutal de) deschis cu ce observ. In ultima instanta, nu prea poti diagnostica online probleme pe offline. Nu-i graba btw, in bucuresti ajung in 2-3 saptamani.

Sa stii ca-ti inteleg frustrarea, si eu am trecut prin chestii asemanatoare cu relatiile acum 10 ani si inca sunt sucarit pe prieteni ca nici unul nu mi-a spus "you're borderline fat and hitting on hot girls". Probabil de asta hipercompensez acum. Asa ca am un prieten la care-i aduc aminte ca-i gras de fiecare data cand il vad :p

A pop doesn't necessarily have to be anything bad at all. In fact it's pretty easy and harmless to force a pop by trying to exhale through your nose while pinching it (great tip for when flying). If you're really worried or have other symptoms, you could go to the doctor. But I'd be willing to bet you're perfectly fine.

Off-topic, but this book did a lot for me as cheesy as it may sound. Might not be applicable for you at all, but just thought I'd throw it out there: http://www.amazon.com/How-Stop-Worrying-Start-Living/dp/0671733354

Merry Christmas soon enuf =)

This is good advice. Feeling Good (the original book that the above-mentioned Handbook is a companion to) is the classic of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which is a systematic, proven way to manage the cognitive distortions /u/natetet referred to. It's one of the fastest growing therapy approaches because it's so practical. No 'Tell me about your mother...' just real tools to fight your bastard brain.

You could also check out the precursor to CBT, Rational-Emotional Behavior Therapy, by Albert Ellis. If you have insurance, you can probably find a therapist to guide you through the process. If not, there are actually websites and apps that you can look into. Some paid, some free. The key is to not just read the literature, but have the discipline to make habits out of the tools you learn there.

This book is also good not just for fighting cognitive distortions, but also for building up an image of confidence and charisma in a natural, not feigned way. Deals with the imposter syndrome (look it up, so many people suffer from it).

You can do it, swamp.

Source: 36-year-old who feels like a 23-year-old.

This may sound really silly but I /highly/ recommend this book It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken

It's funny, and charming, and realistic and uplifting all at the same time.

After reading How to Win Friends & Influence People, I read How to Talk to Anyone after seeing it recommended on a self-improvement blog. Even though it didn't have quite the same impact as the first book, it did introduce me to a few techniques like waiting a bit before smiling at someone you just met as a way of appearing more genuine.

Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People and Leil Lowndes' How to Talk to Anyone are great books with really practical social advice, since your sister is shy. Reading both of those made me think a lot about my social interactions with people and really strive to improve.

> Serious question here and I really don't mean any offense. Are you authistic?

i never got tested so i can't say for sure, but i do not think so.

> I'm asking because you seem to be unable to relate to other human being

Why do you think this? It is true that i see no gains in empathy but i truly feel compassion for people, i align for the most part with the view of Paul Bloom on this.

> abstract concept of ideology

can you tell me what you mean with this?

Maybe try this with guys?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKUvKE3bQlY

;)

EDIT: On a serious note, maybe do a little therapy to figure out what part of you is satisfied with being in a relationship with douchey guys.

You could read this book:

http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Love-You-Want-Anniversary/dp/0805087001

I found it fascinating because it gave me a lot of insight into why I was with who I was with.

Good luck.

>also possess a set of psychological characteristics that many would consider prototypically immoral."

The implicit equation here is that empathy = moral goodness. When empathy leads us to feel good about making a decision that is objectively bad for the whole world excluding ourselves, that foundation is very dubious despite our kneejerk instinctive reaction. For example, people are more motivated to donate to a cause if they hear about one person being harmed in detail, and then become LESS motivated to donate if they learn they will help that one person and many others in the same situation. Motivation to act altruistically declining when an intervention is objectively superior with no drawbacks is a clear problem. It would seem that letting emotions be our guides is not always a reliable route to the most ethical action possible.

Against Empathy is an interesting exploration of this subject (albeit a questionable stocking stuffer).

I wonder if this book by Brene Brown would be helpful for you. Her ted talks are also really great, and an easy place to start :)

If it helps any sir you are NOT alone in those preferences- I have a really hard time enjoying games or movies without good narrative and/or strong story lines too. So yeah I'm also driven up the wall by how frequently popular movies/shows/games completely fail in the thematic or plot departments! Ugh.

Also for what it's worth, as a fellow introvert who needs help striking up appropriate conversations with people a times, I found and read this book and saw it help me a bit: How to Talk to Anyone

Not a psychologist (even better imo, a psychiatrist) but Games People Play by Eric Berne, M.D. is the best book I've ever read about the lowest level of human social interaction.

If anyone here is interested in human social interaction explained in a very Ti way, (by a brilliant INFJ) this book is absolutely a must-read.

I swallowed my pride and started reading/listening to self help books. Based on other people's recommendations:

www.amazon.com/dp/0767921968 - funny and made me feel better if just for a few days; somewhat targeted towards women but I found it helpful

www.amazon.com/dp/1478121734 - finished it in less than hour and trying to follow its mantra.. strangely, I think it might be helping. Too early to tell but it's interesting.

I e-borrowed the first one from my library. Maybe possible with the second one too.

Yup that makes three of us, I'm sure there's more people in this subreddit like this.

I know I have lost friends and relationships over this thing, so here's the conclusions that I have reached, please correct me if I'm wrong because I also need the feedback:

• It's all about being social nowadays isn't it? social media, social networks, everything is SOCIAL now, the internet used to be the one public place where we could hide in but not anymore, we're living in introvert's hell in a way, good thing there's places where we can meet where we don't have to take pictures of ourselves and can just write anonymously right? (thank you for this reddit)
  
  
• I think all introverts at some point realize that even though we have been like this since we were born, the world as it is right now is not made for the introvert but for the extrovert. Being social is seen as a quality whereas being withdrawn is seen as a defect of character, I never knew what the world was like for left-handed people until now.
  
  
• We are introverts till the day we die, we are never going to like being social as much as the next guy but that's ok because we hold a lot of wonderful and amazing things in higher regard than becoming socialites. That being said I don't think introverts want to be stigmatized as social outcasts (everyone wants to feel included) so until people become more tolerant about it we have to work on our social skills but without straining ourselves unnecessarily.
  
• As it is pointed out in this neat little article right there on the right hand side of the screen there's a difference between being introverted and being shy, so we have to work on dealing with the shyness (if we have it) as much as possible, perhaps it is a matter of raising self-esteem or as it is now more aptly called: self-compassion.
  
  
• In some other cases it may be a matter of learning how to trust people more, even strangers (I know it takes me a while to warm up to people) so we can talk to them as easily as we do to the people that we have known for years.
  
  
• We have to work on our people skills, social etiquette, emotional intelligence, perhaps learn how small talk even if we hate it (I know, I know, boring conversations we can't relate to, etc.)
  
  
• BUT we also have to learn the limits of this: first and foremost that we cannot ever become extroverts, so if we can't get it 100% right in social situations and can never learn to enjoy socialization as much as the rest of society THAT IS OK, if we can educate the people that love us into understanding us, they will eventually learn to tolerate what they may perceive as shortcomings. Socialization is not our biggest strength but we have many others and we have bigger fish to fry.
  
  
• Finally, I believe it is important to present yourself as you are, yes "faking it till you make it" is an invaluable tool that can take you very very far, especially if avoiding social situations is becoming an obstacle in your career or love life, but if you fake it all the time (especially with people you are intimate with) and create a false persona, eventually you're gonna get tired and the mask is going to fall off and although it is unfair, people are going to be disappointed.
  
  Better to be with people that know you are an introvert and know that you are trying your best, than with people that only like you because they think you're an extrovert and as years go by, come to realize that you are not.
  
  THAT being said, I wouldn't begin courting someone by stating that I'm an introvert, I might as well say that I'm shy weirdo, not very sexy (of course, this may change in the future).
  
  (I brought enough grammatical errors for everyone, please don't get excited about pointing them out, English is my second language and I'm at work so I can't proofread what I just wrote)

Games People Play by Eric Berne [Wiki] is a book about Transactional Psychology - this kinda describes what you're talking about. People develop strategies that work in interpersonal situations when they are young and then refine them into codified 'games' that they 'play' with people that they interact with. The author talks about various parent/child and victim/perpetrator relationships and how people maneuver others by rehearsed behavior to prompt an expected response.

It's interesting, if only for learning the ability to recognize a situation you're in, therefore giving you some options for responding that short-circuit the game or that steer the outcome toward a desired result.

It sounds like this guy got what he wanted in the past by throwing temper tantrums, and now he thinks that will work as an adult. Basically (as you said) it worked before... The unfortunate part is that he probably will have some success with this game with a lot of people that engage with him, reenforcing the urge to play the game over and over. If the result is not what he wants to achieve, he'll play another game internally that removes his responsibility for the outcome.

YMMV. Tax, tag, title not included.