Reddit mentions of The Courage to Heal Workbook: A Guide for Women and Men Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse

I hear you, and I'm so, so sorry that you were hurt like that. It was not your fault in any way. It makes sense that you're struggling with it despite the good things in your life, especially since you blocked it out for so long.

It sounds like you're doing an amazing job of moving forward. Your description of the circle with the crack running through it really resonated with me; I think a lot of people can relate to that feeling. You are not alone.

The only suggestions I have would be to seek out therapy if possible, as well as a place of support from people who have been through similar things (for example, r/rapecounseling); try doing a workbook like the Courage to Heal Workbook; and most of all, be gentle with yourself.

Be careful not to push yourself too hard. You are already making excellent progress, be sure to acknowledge and congratulate yourself for how far you've come.

Take good care of your physical health (exercise, sleep, eat healthy foods), spend time with people who love and care about you, and that crack will gradually heal more and more.

hugs

This is also an incredible resource if she was abused: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Courage-Heal-Workbook-Survivors-Sexual/dp/0060964375

I find it works best when it's a million tiny changes, that slowly, slowly add up to a healthier life. It takes a while, bit it's so, so worth it.

Catering to my situation (right now I'm healing my child aged 4-14), I re-decorated my room to have more kid-stuff in it. I got a stuffed animal that I cuddle, I got a little princess crown I wear alone, I'm giong to the salon sometimes to paint my nails purple. I basically am giving her free reign to have a happy little girly life that she always wanted. She feels safe to be who she really is. Eventually I'm going to get a little barbie doll or something for her so she has something to play with.

In terms of healing my adult self (I'm mid-20s), I have a lot of social anxiety, and I'm a waitress which is probably dumb haha, but i like the co-workers. Even if I feel like i say something super stupid, or I'm REALLY awkward (which I always am), I just remind myself that it's not my fault for being terrified of people, and that it's okay that I push people away and act a little cold because that is what kept me safe as a child.

So that was a long explanation lol, but it's little itty bitty steps and eventually you'll start to have tiny habits that are self loving and not self harming, and they're really fun to do!

Maybe talk to your therapist (or on here) about ways you self harm, and then talk about more healthy ways you can get through tough times.

I zone out on watching that tv show Friends for a few hours a day. I don't really know why... something about the show zones me out of life and I stop having as many panic attacks. Literally if I feel like I'm falling into a trigger I'll re-run an episode in my head... It's weird I'm aware, and i'm literally addicted to it... but it works for me so... sweet.

a good explanation of this is this book: https://www.amazon.ca/Courage-Heal-Workbook-Survivors-Sexual/dp/0060964375

She has a chapter dedicated to making unhealthy punishments just altered into healthy alternatives.

I'm very sorry that you had to go through that. That is a truly horrible experience for anyone to endure. I'm also sorry for making it sound so simple and easy, because it is definitely not. It is a challenge. It took me a long ways to get to where I am today. The fact is you can do this, although you may not think you can. It is possible. I understand that we are not the same person, but we are both human beings, and we have both endured pretty bad sexual abuse at a young age. Overcoming your situation by yourself is near impossible. What I would suggest is that you find a good clinical hypnotherapist. Not somebody that just wants to prescribe you antidepressants and Xanax and that garbage. One that wants to actually heal your emotional scars. Please PM me if you are interested and maybe I can help you locate one.

Edit: Also, in order to get to the point where you are able to forgive your abuser(s), there are many things that need to be overcome along the way. I had help with this. I did not do this by myself. I highly recommend that you check out this book. It is only $13.00 and it should help you make some progress. I also understand that you may not be able to afford a good therapist, as they can be quite pricey. There are other methods and again I urge you to PM me if you would like help. I will give you any help that I can.