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I found a general overview of how CSA affects attachment here:
https://www.bridgestorecovery.com/blog/trauma-childhood-abuse-affects-interpersonal-relationships-begin-healing/

I'm sure there's a lot more out there :)

I will say, from my own perspective, that I managed to find an absolutely lovely man, and we had a good relationship that I managed to keep in a holding pattern away from too much commitment, or from leaving outright, for over 10 years before I got married.

When I got engaged, every anxiety I had about being vulnerable and TRULY close to someone (ie, making that kind of commitment) exploded in my face leaving me curled up on my bed seeking solace in every single fraction of a moment I had there.

I didn't know what kind of wall I had up between my hubby and I, but it was pretty impressive. Deep down I knew I didn't let ANYONE close. Even the man I knew I loved. And I didn't know why.

It wasn't until I started therapy for CSA (I'd been amnesiac to it) that I started realizing what was really going on, and the strange fears and anger I would feel towards my husband started to make SENSE.

I'm saying all this because it's quite possible to have a lovely relationship with someone with attachment issues, but you might find yourself unable to go past a certain point. There might be the feeling of being held at arms length. Loved, certainly, but held at that distance because that's all the person you love can handle.

This might not be the case for your hubby. I'm just trying to give you an example of how CSA has affected my relationship. I consider myself pretty lucky. I didn't land in a relationship with another abuser, and it sounds like he's been lucky to find you too.

I would recommend a search for 'attachment issues abuse survivors', and 'partners of abuse survivors', because there are actually a bunch of support groups out there for folks like you.

I did a search for ' books for partners of abuse survivors' and also found:
https://www.amazon.com/Survivors-Partners-Healing-Relationships-Sexual/dp/0962996041

It's very good of you to care :)

Several thoughts come to mind.

The lack of competent therapy leaves your wife vulnerable within her family of origin. Therapy has changed a lot over the years, and much more is now understood about childhood trauma. It would be very important for her to avoid religiously-based therapy/therapists, because so much of that blames female victims, excuses males as having been "weak" and/or "seduced," either by satan and/or the victim, and on and on. It can be a very negative experience, leading a survivor to say, "Never again."

This is not an argument that your wife will ever win with her mother, who seems to be ruling a roost deep in dysfunction. It is not for you to drag her away from them, but to encourage her to seek appropriate therapy. I would encourage you that the best way to do that is to model that behavior. You are what is called a secondary victim, seeing the woman you love continue to be harmed by her dysfunctional family, and damn it, even by the perpetrator who harmed her.

You need tools. You need to define and establish firm boundaries, limits and walls, for yourself. You need to know how to react to your wife, mostly, how to demonstrate positive changes within you which therapy can impart, reduce her fear.

A word about that. Trauma survivors often manifest symptoms of PTSD, and in dysfunctional families, also symptoms of C-PTSD, a different set of symptoms. Avoidance behavior is a symptom of both, and it means that things which trigger difficult feelings will be avoided. That your wife returns to those who abused her, demanding that they adapt, but avoids therapy, says a lot about where she is on her healing journey.

Abusive people do not change, nor do rational people expect or demand them to change. The sad fact is, most survivors, in the course of healing, go no contact with their families of origin, as they come to accept that. We lose our families, and that process is hideous; it feels like, no, strike that, they are new wounds.

I intentionally left out her sisters, because the best thing she can do for them is to begin to heal herself; she can't wait on them to "decide" it's time for help, or to begin their own healing. Nor can her sisters be uppermost in your mind. Again, modeling positive steps toward health is your best course of action.

Justice is not your goal. Protecting and nurturing the ones you love should be your number one objective. Seeking justice would bring your wife into a world for which she is not yet prepared.

Please don't take me wrong. If that is what she wants to do, by all means, support her. What I am saying is that your lead should be focused on finding appropriate support for yourself, and when she is ready, support for her in doing the same.

I hope I wrote that adequately, but let me speak plainly, please. When you wake in the morning, don't consume yourself with thoughts of revenge and hate toward her perp. She has enough of that for the both of you. Certainly, when she asks, of course you are authentic and state your feelings about him, but do so in a rational manner. Be the one to whom she can vent her rage, her steady rock in an ocean of fear, pain and panic.

I want to share that I once found myself yelling at my partner, when he had inadvertently triggered me back into a moment of terror. I was yelling at him as if he were my perpetrator, and I was ready to fend him off with my life, if necessary. In my mind, I felt he was going to attack me. He eas a kind, gentle man who would never have hurt me. For a few moments, my kid brain didn't know that.

How would you handle such a moment? Would you recognize it? This is why I'm suggesting counseling for you. You need the tools to recognize the symptoms, and try not to take it personally. If she becomes self-destructive, which is not uncommon, you need to know how to protect yourself, and make decisions from a rational place.

You say they have had some serious trauma, but I hope I'm helping you to appreciate the fact that you are more than a mere witness to the aftermath. My hope for you would be that you are able to avoid becoming enmeshed in the dysfunctional behaviors and responses, through appropriate support and knowledge.

For example, the next time your wife wants to challenge her abusers, do you join her? Do you stand there and stare at her perp, like a tiger ready to pounce? Do you wait in the car, seething that you aren't going in to stand next to her? Do you explain that she is free to go if she wishes, and state reasons you won't be joining her? Do you forbid her to go?

These are answers that only a competent therapist will be able to help you find, ones appropriate for both you and your wife, as he or she comes to learn about you.

Knowledge is power, dear sir, and you should arm yourself well for the path ahead.

I wish you well.

_____

I'm going to add a book recommendation. It's a primer that helped me immensely. It's indexed, with easy-to-use descriptions of symptoms and appropriate paths to healing. For me, it demystified the path to recovery, and I would highly recommend it to family of survivors. There are chapters covering issues unique to those sexually abused in their own homes as children, which helped me to understand many things. I hope you might find it helpful.

https://www.amazon.com/Cant-Get-Over-Handbook-Survivors/dp/157224058X

Sorry that you are going through this. I think that every survivor goes through this while healing. It's part of the process. It's a great opportunity to reach out for support and learn from others experiences.

Were you able to identify the trigger? That may be helpful if you can. I suggest that you find a copy of the book "Rewire Your Anxious Brain" (https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B00QG5SW58/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1) It helps to identify where your anxiety is coming from in the brain and the book gives good advice on how to deal with it.

I often saw my progress in healing as climbing a mountain. There will be days when you make great progress and some when you back slide. There will be days when you need to rest and recuperate too. There's a beautiful valley on the other side and an awesome view from the top.

Keep reaching out for support and be gentle with yourself.

So sorry you and your wife are going through this. Look into finding a sexual abuse therapist who specializes in married couples. A general marriage counselor isn't going to have the right skill set to help a survivor and spouse. Your marriage issues stem from childhood abuse, so you're going to need to see someone who is trained and experienced in that specialty.

It sounds like your wife is in a highly aroused (not sexual arousal, PTSD arousal) triggered state. She is dissociating and reacting to previous abuse and trauma that is no longer presently occurring. If she kept in contact with her family, she was probably already triggered and experiencing PTSD symptoms for years. The family reunion was more than her brain could handle. She could have been dissociating for years, which could be why she didn't take interest making the decisions. I'm not a doctor, so I'm just spit balling, but I do have diagnosed PTSD.

Recently, I felt like my entire life was a trigger, and I reacted to my boyfriend in similar ways. I wanted nothing to do with him, screamed at him like he was abuser, and accused him of controlling me and my life. I was reliving the abuse. I just needed a break. Now I'm back to normal. Maybe your wife's triggers reached this breaking point to where she couldn't cope and needed her space.

I learned to be able to identify my triggered and dissociative states, so I was able to recognize I was having a PTSD episode. It sounds like your wife is not able to do that yet. It'd be helpful for both of you to learn how to recognize when she's triggered. Many times, my boyfriend is able to tell when I'm getting triggered and about to dissociate before I am. We've learned how to work through it together, but it took months.

You might want to check out this book: https://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Healing-Journey-Guide-Survivors/dp/0062130730 . The author is a survivor and therapist who specializes in individual and partner healing. It might help you gain some insight into what's going on. And if your wife is willing to read it too, it could help her learn insight into her thoughts, feelings, actions, and behaviors. The book also contains snippets from clients, both survivors and spouses, sharing their firsthand experiences.

Just a piece of advice- it's best not to tell your wife that she's being irrational or not acting rationally. To a survivor, triggers, flashbacks, and other intense feelings are very real. What she's experiencing is real for her, it's just not the present reality of the external situation. Hope you two find the help you each need because you sound like a really loving husband.

http://www.amazon.com/Body-Remembers-Psychophysiology-Treatment-Professional/dp/0393703274/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1458805403&sr=8-1&keywords=the+body+remembers

http://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Childhood-Sexual-Abuse-Practical/dp/1555612253/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1458805422&sr=1-1&keywords=surviving+childhood+sexual+abuse

http://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Childhood-Sexual-Abuse-Workbook/dp/1555612903/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1458805422&sr=1-2&keywords=surviving+childhood+sexual+abuse (workbook that goes with the above)

These three books have been absolutely invaluable to me as a placeholder for therapy. In fact, when I was in an intensive-outpatient day program specifically for sexual trauma, 90% of the therapy was directly out of the first book. When I could no longer afford to attend, I just went out and bought it myself.

I'm not trying to push that its better than therapy but I completely understand where you guys are at and to be honest if it's not the right time, then it's not the right time, and nothing good comes of forcing yourself before you're ready or before being sure that you will have time to open pandora's box, in a sense...at least it feels that way, anyway.

You sound very loving and supporting to be there with your girlfriend through this, and I hope you both can get some peace asap. Sending yall the best of thoughts.

I find it works best when it's a million tiny changes, that slowly, slowly add up to a healthier life. It takes a while, bit it's so, so worth it.

Catering to my situation (right now I'm healing my child aged 4-14), I re-decorated my room to have more kid-stuff in it. I got a stuffed animal that I cuddle, I got a little princess crown I wear alone, I'm giong to the salon sometimes to paint my nails purple. I basically am giving her free reign to have a happy little girly life that she always wanted. She feels safe to be who she really is. Eventually I'm going to get a little barbie doll or something for her so she has something to play with.

In terms of healing my adult self (I'm mid-20s), I have a lot of social anxiety, and I'm a waitress which is probably dumb haha, but i like the co-workers. Even if I feel like i say something super stupid, or I'm REALLY awkward (which I always am), I just remind myself that it's not my fault for being terrified of people, and that it's okay that I push people away and act a little cold because that is what kept me safe as a child.

So that was a long explanation lol, but it's little itty bitty steps and eventually you'll start to have tiny habits that are self loving and not self harming, and they're really fun to do!

Maybe talk to your therapist (or on here) about ways you self harm, and then talk about more healthy ways you can get through tough times.

I zone out on watching that tv show Friends for a few hours a day. I don't really know why... something about the show zones me out of life and I stop having as many panic attacks. Literally if I feel like I'm falling into a trigger I'll re-run an episode in my head... It's weird I'm aware, and i'm literally addicted to it... but it works for me so... sweet.

a good explanation of this is this book: https://www.amazon.ca/Courage-Heal-Workbook-Survivors-Sexual/dp/0060964375

She has a chapter dedicated to making unhealthy punishments just altered into healthy alternatives.

1. Where are your spouse -- and her mother -- most of the time on the five stages of therapeutic recovery? If one understands clearly what each stage represents as a process through and out of a mental state in at least one of the Fight / Flight / Freeze / Faint / Feign (or Fawn) Responses leading to behavioral "policies," one will act appropriately to those states.
   
   
2. If your spouse is truly adamant that you stay out of it, and you want to have "peace in the valley," you will almost surely have to do exactly that... and go to some CoDA and ACA meetings, as well as read their basic texts (see CoDA's "big blue book" and ACA's "big red book") which can very reliably be counted upon to help you do that.
   
   
3. Reading online about the "protector" in the Internal Family Systems Model will very likely help you to understand where your spouse is coming from.
   
   
4. Listening carefully in those CoDA meetings will almost surely explain her mother to you... and ultimately to your spouse IF and when she is ready to go to some and read their literature.

This kind of behavior could certainly stem from BPD, but not necessarily. Regardless, I think it's less important to find a label for your behavior. I struggled with BPD-like behavior for a few years and what helped me was DBT therapy. I highly recommend it. If you can't find a therapist in your area that specializes in DBT, there are some good workbooks available for you to try by yourself. I liked this one the best. It's helpful without being condescending or hypercritical (like some books about BPD).

Agreed that you've already done the hardest part of recovery: You acknowledge that you need help.

You may also check out some tips on how to redirect these feelings/energy. Most tips are directed at exes, so some things won't apply, but a lot of them do: starting a "cyberstalking jar" or picking up a new habit that you distract yourself with when you start thinking about your professor (video games, knitting, exercise, etc.). Here are a couple of lists to try: one | two. You've got this OP - best wishes.

Hi and welcome if you’re new here.

You said you’ve been in therapy for 7 years I believe. I did a lot too and I was ok for some time until I saw a very triggering documentary in February. I think sometimes we just encounter something in life that opens our wound. And it takes time for a new scar to grow over it. Be kind to yourself and extra gentle while you’re in this period. Be patient with yourself.
Surround yourself if you can with empathetic people who value and support you.

I think talking about it in a safe place with safe people helps us cope. It takes away some of the stigma.

This will sound dumb, but try telling yourself some positive affirmations right before you fall asleep, and when you wake up. That can help disrupt the rumination soundtrack a lot of us have playing in our heads.
Rumination is damaging, and it reinforces trauma.

You were asking about books in an earlier comment thread. Lots of people have good things to say about this one although I haven’t read it yet. But it’s on my list.

The Body Keeps The Score

For males who might be reading, I’m finishing up this, and it’s been helpful Joining Forces: Empowering Male Survivors To Thrive

I found my therapist searching specifically for those that had experience with sexual abuse and trauma. I managed to get really lucky on the first try and even found one that took my insurance.

Based on my experience with my therapist, you absolutely should find someone specializing in this type of subject. They will have insight, experience, and training to properly guide your recovery that other general counselors may not.

As far as time length goes, 10 sessions is a good start, but will likely not be enough. I've been going weekly since November, and still have a lot of work to do. The good news is that most therapists/counselors will work with people who can't afford to pay the full amount.

The fact that you are willing to get help is a HUGE step, and you should be proud of yourself for making it. You have started the path of recovery. It's going to be rough as hell, but in the end you'll wind up a better person for it.

As far as techniques, the main one my therapist is using is a 6 question test when you get triggered. When it happens, answer these questions immediately. Write them down, put them in a journal, whatever works for you:

What am I:

1. Seeing?
   
2. Hearing?
   
3. Smelling?
   
4. Tasting?
   
5. Sensing?
   
6. Feeling?
   
   Do it every time. Even if it's the same answer over and over. You may start to notice a pattern.
   
   For example: A woman was triggered in the middle of traffic one day, and she couldn't understand why. She did the questions, and she and her therapist figured out that it was the smell of diesel fuel that was doing it. Her abuser was a mechanic.
   
   Once you being to understand the things that trigger you, and why, you'll start to be able to manage them better.
   
   And lastly i'll leave you with a book that was recommended to me for couples. You and your husband both should read this book, as it will give you both insight into yourself and the recovery process.
   
   The book is called Allies in Healing, and you can get it on Kindle or physical copy. It's helped my wife understand what i'm going through, and what to expect.

You're not alone! It took me a full year to finally verbally say what happened to me. 27f who was also sexually abused by father.

Therapists ARE expensive, but some who really care will work with you. Mine charged me what I could pay and recommended books for me to go over when I couldn't visit.

Facing Codependence by Pia Melody was one that really helped.

Me and my husband just got a book for the partners of the abuse survivor called: Allies In Healing https://www.amazon.com/dp/0060968834/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_lzyszbBKEK35Z

And by the same author there's a highly recommended workbook that I'm also about to start called: The Courage to Heal workbook https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000GG4ZKE/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_aByszbBD5KJW2

Always trust that your mind and body won't lie to you. I can always tell it's real because I get BODY memories, and those can't be faked. Numbness or dull pain/pressure in my vaginal and anal area, throat and breast... Look into "inner child" work on YouTube.

I hope some of this helps!!

You're not crazy! You're a survivor ❤️

http://www.resurrectionafterrape.org/ (this is free)

http://www.amazon.co.uk/DEAR-SEXUAL-ABUSE-SURVIVOR-Someone-ebook/dp/B00B1EOQZ4

Therapy is vital, however. There are things you can't get from books, however good the book is - and you need to do a certain amount of work on coping and stabilisation before trying to heal which is where good therapy would start.

http://www.pandys.org is also very good.

Therapy, EMDR, craniosacral and reading has helped me. Good luck.

Click on all the links below to get a grounding in how to break loose from the upshots of being raised in what sounds like a pretty sick family:

ACA meetings and ACA's "big red book" even if your parents were not alcoholics

Resolving Causes & Effects

From Bipolar to Borderline to Complex PTSD: The Long Way Around the Recovery Barn (disregarding the diagnoses in the title; the list of things one can do is what matters)