Reddit mentions of The Way Men Heal

First step is know the triggers, no need to mention them only you need to know them. Next stay busy, focus on something that can better you. Working out, long walks, biking, if you don't know a trade learn one, go to community college and pick up a program that you might make into a hobby (for instance my local college offers car repairs and a two year program cost next to nothing).

You need to reprogram your mind, so taking on a challenge that pushes you is key. Now comes the hard part know what to do with those triggers, find out why those triggers do what they do and fix it. I know it sounds silly to say FIX It, but the power is in your hands.

Just remember men heal differently than what society knows. People will say all kinds of feminine bullshit they've been told to get to the bottom of issues. The simple fact is those means are weak and make you weak. Those means make you reliant on others, never allowing a man to heal the proper way. It works great for women because they are able to push issues on to others and disassociate due to being a catered to class. Don't heal like a women.

The Way Men Heal was a book I was lucky enough to find as I started my own journey. It was priceless and I bought a ton of copies...all of which I've given out and all the recipients came to understand.

Thanks for posting this. I love her honest introspection and humility. The author's experience is a beautiful one, though while I can easily see her point of view, my grief journey was almost the opposite of hers. I was hoping to find something a little more poignant in the comments, but the loudest ones were the non-empathetic and unaccountable "you're his wife, not his mother" ones. They were so similar to the comments of that "She divorced me because I left dishes by the sink" article that went viral a while back that it's only the husband who has to compromise in marriage. Empathy - being able to see the world through another person's eyes - isn't being extended both ways. His viewpoint, his work, his sacrifices, and his pain aren't even considered by so many people.

From a Christian perspective, the church can be pretty terrible at this as well. It's one of several reasons why men hate going to church. Instead of catering to his needs and equipping him to be a captain, he is passive-aggressively burdened with the responsibility of her happiness. It doesn't help the team by focussing on one player. A great team functions by accentuating each other's strengths and covering each other's weaknesses, like picking up after a husband who compromises on laundry to spend more time with loved ones. "He had chosen what is more important."

I think my late would-be-wife would have also adored this article. Thanks again for sharing.

edit: grammar

You are already sending the right messages and saying the right things, but if he feels like he has let you as his wife down they may not be quite getting through. A lot of men do tie up their sense of self worth with their ability to be a provider and the example set by his relative is not a good influence here as you right say. Does he have any friends who've gone through similar experiences or who could just spend some time with him? That might help to reset his sense of self worth. While he looks for a new job, maybe he could do some volunteer work out of the house: that will deliver a) fresh air b) an outlet for his energies and c) a sense of value, all good antidepressants. Finally, in relation to possible therapy or support services, I would try and point him towards something that is specifically geared towards men if you can find something along those lines in whichever part of the world you live in. Here in the UK, there a few such services. The reason I say this is that a lot of conventional therapy and psychology is focused on the female approach to traumas (in the broad sense of that term) and men don't necessarily process these in the same way. This book is primarily about grief but the principles apply to other traumas in life such as job loss https://www.amazon.co.uk/Way-Men-Heal-Thomas-Golden-ebook/dp/B00B0OKZ3W