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I'm a birthmother who placed a boy at birth 11 years ago. Adoption evolves depending on the people involved and from support groups I can tell you that no adoption is the same. There are books I wish I would have read before hand. One recommended recently for adoptive parents in my birth parent circles was Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Thier Adoptive Parents Knew. Available here: http://www.amazon.com/Twenty-Adopted-Adoptive-Parents-ebook/dp/B000SEFDJG/ref=sr_1_6?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1368277710&sr=1-6&keywords=adoption

I have a semi open adoption where we communicate via email and I get an update with at least one picture once a year. Contact ranges from none to frequent visits so that is another thing to consider. What are you comfortable with? Are you ok with the idea that the child may still want to know the birthfamily? Even if they don't have contact during childhood they may seek them out as an adult. Are you ok with the idea of them having more family? More people to love them? Another mother/father figure? Hard questions for sure.

Just to dispel some myths: Most birthparents don't expect the kids they placed to see them as a parent later. Also, most birthmom's specifically wouldn't dream of changing their decision. We see it as giving the child a family ... not as giving the family a child. For us it is often about what reminds us of something we liked in our childhood. Similar traditions or activities. I really liked that the my AP's profile was scrapbooked and I could tell they were craft and art talented. This is because my mom was like that. I liked knowing they planed to adopt more kids and my son would be a big brother because I have a big brother. I've heard other birthmom's say the same. Hope this helps.

We've used this book:
https://www.amazon.com/Mother-Choco-Paperstar-Keiko-Kasza/dp/0698113640

and this book:
https://www.amazon.com/Tell-Again-About-Night-Born/dp/0064435814/ref=pd_sbs_14_t_1?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=KXWRZ8XANMAVDAPZYHRJ

and this book:
https://www.amazon.com/Wished-You-Adoption-Marianne-Richmond/dp/1934082066/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_3?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=1934082066&pd_rd_r=VQQX0YJDRY9ZENP34DA7&pd_rd_w=bupmJ&pd_rd_wg=FbnwR&psc=1&refRID=VQQX0YJDRY9ZENP34DA7

and this book:
https://www.amazon.com/Day-Met-Aladdin-Picture-Books/dp/0689809646/ref=pd_sim_14_13?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0689809646&pd_rd_r=F1RS4C5VVNAKP65QV8JR&pd_rd_w=CdcFC&pd_rd_wg=DGunr&psc=1&refRID=F1RS4C5VVNAKP65QV8JR

and we've had a lot of talks about her birth family and how sometimes someone loves you so much that they send you to a family who can protect you and keep you safe.

Kids read your anxiety as much as they hear your words. I know it's hard, but it's important to tell yourself that even though she is having these feelings, you have the rest of your lives to get it right, and she's not going anywhere. Calm yourself as much as you can, smile and tell her you love her.

Do you lie down with her at night at bedtime? One of use does this every night, and we always answer any questions she has as she's falling asleep, and we remind her that we love her, that she is special, that she is safe with us, and that we will be here for her forever.

Every night.

Good luck.

I have been completely honest and straight forward with all three of our boys. My boys are all from different parents and not related at all. Each of them also have many half siblings out there somewhere. Start with books that agree that it is all completely normal (because it is!) my sister also adopted one of my middle son's half siblings and they know that they are brother cousins. They are growing up knowing that it is just the way it is. My oldest son (15) recently wanted to know more so I brought out the info I was given by the bio family 15 years ago. He went through it quietly, said "cool" and moved onto homework. I told him that the information belongs to him and he is free to deal with it at his own pace or never. Again, his choice and we completely support him. This prompted my younger boys to ask to see pictures of their bio parents. One said "Wow, he is tall" the other said, "That is one big Afro" then we went about our evening.
The thing is that we are their family, never lied, never held info that was asked of us and they feel loved and secure. As long as you keep up what you are doing things will just find a way. Sounds like you guys will do awesome. Congratulations on the adoption!

Book suggestion https://www.amazon.com/Love-Family-Roma-Downey/dp/0060393742

I don't have any particular advice for a single a guy trying to adopt, but I'm a guy and wanted to adopt long before it was feasible for me to do it. My wife and I are now in the process, but it wasnt sometching she had really thought about before we were married.

If you are interested in adopting internationally, the Complete Book of International Adoption includes information about countries who will allow single parents to adopt. I'm not as familiar with domestic adoptions, but I'm sure there are local agencies who work with single parents as well.

If you can wait, however, I think that a two parent house provides a more stable environment for a child; though a single parent permanent adoption is probably better than long term foster care or, in some countries, an orphanage.

One difficulty with single parent adoption will be attaching to the child, especially if you must put them in child care while you are working. Attachment can be difficult if it is not clear to the child who their primary care provider is.

My parents told me I was adopted for as long as I can remember. My bedtime story was "why was I adopted?".http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0818405880/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1453419486&sr=8-1&pi=SX200_QL40&keywords=why+was+i+adopted&dpPl=1&dpID=8116W83X0HL&ref=plSrch. It was probably the best way for them to tell me. I actually still have the book, I'm 29 and have been searching for my birth parents for awhile. It still helps me get through that reminding me the different circumstances of why I might have been adopted. I love that my parents told me right away and respect that they did. The book explains how adopted kids are lucky because we have two sets of parents that love us, our birth parents and the parents we have now. My parents started the conversation telling me I was special that I had two sets of parents and that I was adopted, they then introduced the book to me.

Aren't there books on the 'story of how you were adopted' that you can read to kids? I'm no expert, certainly, but as someone who would like to adopt, I've thought something like that might be a good way to ease into the child's story without making it a big deal. It might also help you figure out how to word things so he doesn't feel abandoned. Maybe?

Here's an example, but look up 'adoption story book' on amazon and there's are a lot of them:

adoption story

Let's Talk About It: Adoption (Mr. Rogers): Fred Rogers - Amazon.com
https://www.amazon.com/Lets-Talk-About-Adoption-Rogers/dp/0698116259
Fred Rogers opens the door for adopted children and their parents to safely talk about ... that this was the most honest book I've found that talks about adoption.

Also, Mister Rogers, who is splendid with children's issues, had a little sister who was adopted. You can't go wrong with his help.
http://www.americanadoptions.com/blog/teaching-children-about-adoption/

You can always ask the children's librarian also, they are a great resource!

I'm not clear on what types of books you're looking for, but if it's "viewpoints of adoptees", you might try Mistake: An adoptee searches for the truth of his origin. Good luck with the adoption!

There is a book called The Open-Hearted Way to Adoption:Helping your Child grow up Whole by Lori Holden that I read while preparing for our homestudy that might be at least a little helpful. The agency really should have helped with talking over what both parties wanted open adoption to look like. Have they tried contacting the agency and they're not answering? I would be showing up on their door step, your friend paid for this help and they both deserve it.

It's only been three months. She's probably lost more than one caregiver, and she doesn't know if you're sticking around either. I mean, you still have work to do re: attachment, but don't stress too much, because this isn't that unusual.

I don't have personal experience with getting a child to attach, but I've heard of some books that are pretty good: Attaching in Adoption, Parenting the Hurt Child. Hopefully you get some tips from adoptive parents here!

There was this book I love growing up that had Gordon from Sesame Street and the storyline when he first adopted his daughter. I would recommend that if you can track it down. Great for kids.

Edit: Found it: https://www.amazon.com/Susan-Gordon-Adopt-Baby-Reissue/dp/0394883411

Interesting you should ask this question today, since today's Vice "Young Americans" column is about what it's like growing up "Asian" in America: http://www.vice.com/youngamericans/the-asian-american-experience?utm_source=vicetumblrus

This is a humorous rendering of a problem a lot of my Asian-American friends have faced growing up in the US: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DWynJkN5HbQ

You'll find more adoption-specific questions answered in this book: http://www.amazon.com/Connected-Child-healing-adoptive-family/dp/0071475001

If you have questions about the process you're about to go through, I used to work at the world's largest, oldest China adoption agency, CCAI, so if you have questions about the process I might be able to answer basic questions, but for the most up-to-date and accurate info, I'd advise you to just call CCAI and directly ask your questions of the professionals (ask for Sarah H, (303) 850-9998). It doesn't matter if you're planning to adopt from a different agency, they rules are set by China, so the process is basically the same regardless of what agency you go through.

There are a few main ways to become an adoptive parent: Foster-to-Adopt, domestic private adoption, international adoption. I know the least about international adoption, so I won't address that at all.

With Foster-to-Adopt, you can set parameters for children you are willing to foster. I have known people to foster babies straight from the hospital and then go on to adopt them. I think this is most likely to happen when the baby is born with clear drug exposure, so that is something you need to consider. (In-utero drug exposure is not quite as scary as many people think it is, but it definitely can have consequences, so do your research.) Also, when you foster you always know that the biological family may fix the problems that led them to lose custody, and you may lose custody to them. The younger the child, the more likely I think this is to happen. You will have to decide if this is something you can handle.

For domestic adoptions, infants are more common than older kids. But this is quite expensive and can be time consuming. There is still risk with this approach - the mother may intend to have an adoption plan and then change her mind, and you may still lose some or all of the money you have invested in the process. (Remember that the money you pay your agency/attorney is for their services - you are not buying a baby, and if the mother decides to parent, those services you paid for still happened.)

Some resources that I have found helpful:

http://www.openadopt.org/about-us/resources Includes information about Open Adoption, drug exposure, transracial adoption, and more. (Other agencies have similar pages.)

"You Can Adopt" - An introductory book that covers some basic information about different ways to adopt and things to consider. There is not a lot of nitty-gritty info, but I found it to be a helpful place to start.

Best wishes!

As an adoptee I went through the same experience and was pretty deceived when I came into contact with some of my siblings. I wrote a book about my experiences as an adoptee. I hope you will enjoy reading it: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B015UHFJ2G/ref=r_soa_w_d)

Yes, you use an adoption attorney.

I recommend this book it goes over different methods

Adopting in America: How to Adopt Within One Year (2018-2019 edition) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0795CBH8P/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_9EVYCbFQDBENA

This might be of interest to you:

https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748

There are also some good presentations from Bessel Van der Kolk on Youtube on the same subject.

This is a good book, it has some good insight from others who have been adopted https://www.amazon.com/Adoption-Triangle-Arthur-D-Sorosky/dp/0941770109

The commenters here are spot on and yes, this way of thinking takes adjustment. These people will be your child's family no matter what you do. Sometimes inlaws are a pain, you can't control your crazy mother/brother, and you can't control them. You can only control how you act and what boundaries you set.

HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend you read this book: https://www.amazon.com/Open-Hearted-Way-Open-Adoption-Helping/dp/1442217391

I was read that book as a kid, too. Also, http://www.amazon.com/Tell-Again-About-Night-Born/dp/0064435814 is a good one

Absolutely. It is a topic that was covered extensively in our adoption education training as adoptive parents. Regardless of age when adopted, it is a traumatic event and can lead to a lot of feelings of loss/grief throughout life. I haven't read this book personally, but I've heard a lot of people recommend The Body Keeps the Score on the topic.