(Part 2) Best products from r/AskWomenOver30

Different surfaces for different things.

One decent nonstick pan is great to have for things like eggs, but isn't great at high heat applications like searing meat. You'll never build a good fond in nonstick, and having pots lined with nonstick coating is just unnecessary. A couple of pans -- a larger one for cooking fish or day-to-day "I'm just browning some ground beef" kind of stuff, and a smaller one for fried eggs or whatever -- will be plenty. You don't want to spend too much on a nonstick pan, though, because by their nature their lifespan is limited.

One cast iron pan is great to have because it's great at really high-heat applications, but can also be used for any number of other things -- you can sear a roast in it, you can bake a deep-dish pizza in it, or brown off some chicken and then braise it in the same pan. It can become pretty nonstick over time, with the right care, but that's a long-term process. Cast iron is heavy, though, and requires different care than other pans (it's not difficult to take care of, just... different. You can't chuck it in the dishwasher and walk away.)

For an all-purpose workhorse, look for stainless steel. It's good in a wide range of applications, and can do almost anything reasonably well. It's a little more prone to sticking (which is a good thing in many cases), but it's also durable enough that you can scour the fuck out of it on those occasions when you need to.

More important than the surface of a pan, IMHO, is the base. Avoid anything with a thin base; over time, it'll warp, and that creates hotspots and wobbles that make cooking a pain in the ass. You want pans that have a pretty thick base. If you can get something that has a layer of aluminum sandwiched in, that's great. Aluminum conducts heat better than steel, so pans will get hot faster with some aluminum included. You don't really want to cook directly on aluminum, though, so something with steel and aluminum layers in the base is ideal.

You're probably not going to find one single set that covers absolutely everything; I'd advise one base set of stainless steel, and then a few add-ons as time/money allows. I know Cuisinart does a pretty nice set of tri-ply stainless steel pots and pans that runs under $200, and goes on sale for even less regularly. Add a T-fal nonstick pan or two, and one good Lodge cast iron skillet, and you'd be well-equipped for most things.

The most useful thing I have found is to cultivate a habit of smiling whenever you greet someone or pass someone you recognize, whenever they're speaking to you about something neutral or positive, or any other time that you're at a loss how to express happiness or friendliness. (I developed this habit because my resting face apparently looks forlorn, and I was tired of people asking me what was wrong.)

Smiling makes you seem more approachable, and it tends to be infectious; seeing you look happy helps other people feel happy, and people who feel happy around you will naturally gravitate to you, even if you're quiet or shy.

Practice realistic smiles. It's not enough to curl your mouth; you have to smile with your eyes (in fact, you can do almost anything with your mouth and still have it read as joy if you smile with your eyes). There are different muscles involved with real smiles and fake-looking smiles, too (for example, showing your lower teeth is indicative of a fake smile).

If, like me, you struggle a bit with understanding facial expressions and the muscles involved in making them, this is a great resource (not just for artists, despite the title). This book can also help you read other people's subtle expressions, which aids being more empathetic and likeable.

36 here, and going through POI/premature menopause myself. No fun. I know you're not there yet, but it's great that you want to arm yourself with info so that you're prepared. One really helpful resource is the Menopause Taylor channel on YouTube. Barbie Taylor is a retired OB/GYN who has created a series of videos to help educate women about ALL aspects of menopause, peri- and beyond. She's a little quirky, but soooo knowledgeable, and has been a lifesaver for me with her one-on-one consultations. Most doctors have no clue when it comes to this stuff. (Hang around /r/menopause long enough and you'll hear that again and again.)

In terms of books, I would say stockpile all the ones from your library and see what resonates with you. There's Suzanne Somers, who is not a medical expert but shares her experience on bioidentical hormones; Christiane Northrup, for a very integrative approach on women's health; and countless other books (can't attest to most) that will at least prepare you, even if their proposed solutions aren't up your alley. For other women under 40 who may see this and who are going through it early, the best book I've read is Kathryn Petras's The Premature Menopause Book.

And yes, there are podcasts, too! I haven't listened to any of the ones I downloaded yet, since I've been taking a breather from my incessant research, but just search for perimenopause and give a few a listen. Good luck!

It sounds super obvious, but you're probably going to have to have a conversation with him about this. Your conversation on your first date may be more significant than you thought it was. My partner (34M) and I (37F) had a similar conversation very early in our relationship (only, we agreed that neither of us wants to get married, period) and we're both pretty firm on that. Our views are our views, even if they were expressed early in our relationship. I think there is a very real chance he thought you two were in agreement on this. Maybe at that time, you were, but have changed your mind. That's ok, too, but it has to be communicated.

I don't think not wanting to get married is, in and of itself, a red flag. It's 2019. Contrary to what my mother has ever said on the subject, marriage doesn't mean a greater commitment than being together longterm without marrying. It's more legal entanglement, but not more commitment. (I was married for 11 years. I know I didn't feel more committed to my then-husband than I do to my partner now. Quite the opposite, actually. It's about the relationship, not the legal status.)

I do think it's important to be intentional about whatever you two decide to do. Being together and unmarried is its own legal landscape to learn. There are books on this. My partner and I are reading this one currently. In some ways, it's far simpler just to marry, and that could be his takeaway from reading up on longterm unmarried coupling. It may not be, though. Either way, it's good to know what you're dealing with.

If you want a ring, that's fine. There's nothing wrong with having one. It doesn't have to mean engagement. I can mean commitment. Anything goes these days. I don't wear a ring, but I also don't want to. If I did, I would tell my partner that I wanted one for my birthday.

So I felt like this a few years back and tried to be a lot more traditionally feminine than I normally am. I found it made me feel like I was always playing dress up. It was fun for a while, but wore off. But I did learn one important lesson: It's less what you wear, and more how you wear it.

I'm back to my normal t-shirts and jeans, but I'm more focused on how these things fit. I've found brands that fit my body, and overall look more put together. I've also moved away from novelty t-shirts, and more towards solids and prints. When I do wear novelty shirts, they tend to be one color type of things (like this Smokey Bear shirt I love), or something with a smaller design (like this REI shirt, or this Wonder Woman one).

I also found that realizing I have a style based on basics made it easier for me to find other things I liked. For example, maxi skirts and jersey dresses give me some variety while still feeling like myself. I'm still envious of my friends who can layer chunky jewelry. Or look sharp and professional. But that's not me. Now I just admire their style for what it is, while rocking my own.

I have the Blondo Valli's and they're absolutely amazing. I don't do heels in general (typically they always hurt my feet) but am comfortable in these - and I am on my feet and walking a lot. They're created by a Canadian company who makes cute, stylish shoes made for Canadian weather. I live in the Midwest where we have a lot of rain, heavy snow and ice and use these year-round (except summer) because they're not only waterproof, but also the bottoms are textured so they won't slip on ice (see: Canadian company). They're a bit pricey up front, but I've had mine for 2 1/2 years now, wear them daily and they still look brand new. Just treat them with a leather or suede protector and you're good to go. Definitely worth the investment.

They also have a few other cute styles, like these.

I don't have thick/coarse facial and body hair so experiences may vary, but after reading the NYT article on women shaving their faces, I got curious and tried it myself, and I love the results. Twice a month I use a BIC single blade and run it over my face and body wet with water (no soap, just water; I don't want a too close of a shave). Hair grows back thin and soft and I could probably get away with doing it once a month, but the exfoliation is amazing and it makes my skin look very good. Plus I enjoy the ritual, I put on 80s music and sing along in front of the mirror while I do my face, ha ha.

Little razors made specifically for facial shaving are available. Tinkle is a famous brand.

"Reasonable" notice means some notice. Not none. The only way they can go in with NO notice is for an emergency, like a burst pipe or a fire or something. Talk to the landlord; explain that you're not comfortable with the changes in how maintenance is accessing your apartment; you want a roster of everyone who is allowed to access your apartment; and you want at least 24 hours notice for any routine repairs (along with exactly who to expect). Also, check your lease... it probably specifies how much notice they are supposed to give and in what circumstances they can enter without notice. Insist they abide by that provision.

Don't dismiss the "vibe" you're getting from your new neighbor. You don't know what's triggering that but it's not just noise. Read The Gift of Fear and you will have a whole lot more confidence in asserting your own security.

See if you can meet any of your other neighbors. Not knowing anyone is awkward. You don't have to become best buds, but so that you know their name and which unit they live in (and so you can get a sense of whether this person seems like someone you can trust).

I've only lived alone for less than a year, and was living in the same apartment building as my fiance at the time, so as for the other stuff, I've never done it but never been in the same situation. I would be less concerned about valuables, though, and more about personal safety.

Oh wow, someone said world peace so now this seems to trite. But maybe this could help check someone off your gift list.

These blooming flower teas look beautiful. I would love the experience of putting one of these hand sewn tea flowers in and watching is "bloom" into life before me. Like usual, I didn't buy one for myself but I did get two of them plus the glass teapots for two wonderful women in my life. I hope they enjoy them very much.

There is a book called Feeling Good by David D Burns. It's an older book, but one of the best out there for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Not all chapters will be relevant to the issue, but there are a lot of good exercises in the book for when you're stressing over it. I do a modified version of one of the techniques where I write down my "hot thoughts" or automatic thoughts, and then my "cool thoughts" which are the more rational truths to the situation.


So if you're thinking "Our relationship is spoiled because he was with another woman" you can sit down and write out things like, "That's not true, many relationships go through all kinds of rough patches and it doesn't mean they're spoiled." "We're both doing a lot of work to make sure we're honest and open with each other." etc etc

Highly recommend both the weighted blanket and back massager. I bought this massage pillow in December and use it frequently, it's amazing. It's heated too, but you can use it with or without the heat.

Also: plants! They bring a little joy to any room and are fun to care for. Learning how to take care of mine and remembering to feed and water them is like a nice little mindfulness exercise each day.

Edit: I'm bad at links.

Have you considered going to couples therapy?

I think that the next time she tells you something like she feels like she's putting in 100% of the work you could just tell her that you want to be a better partner for her, maybe you could do therapy together to be sure that you properly address her concerns.

You can go with "Obviously I'm just not understanding, but I would like to and I think this would help us communicate about what you want from our relationship."

(You have your own problems but suggesting going to therapy isn't a good time to bring up your problems lol.)

You could also consider reading the 5 Love Langauges, maybe somehow you're just not expressing to her in a way she resonates with: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2OGN6I57BGLOY&keywords=5+love+languages+by+gary+chapman&qid=1557866049&s=books&sprefix=5+love+%2Cstripbooks%2C161&sr=1-1

There's also a free quiz you can both take: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/ (IMO you can learn just as much to imrpove your relationship from both taking the quiz, both reading about the different styles of love languages conceptually, and both committing to knowing each other's primary languages AND your own.)

I haven't read this book, but a mentor of mine says it saved her marriage: https://www.amazon.com/Fighting-Your-Marriage-Best-seller-Preventing/dp/0470485914

Hi there!

A book I usually recommend to people would be reading "The Ethical Slut". This book taught me a lot about not just doing poly relationships but just being a better, more open, honest partner and being clear about my intentions and needs. They cover a variety of different relationship scenarios and also invite you to reflect internally as to what makes you tick.

I use its principles even when dating multiple people casually as to avoid conflict and it really helps get a mental bearing. :)

Hoow. Well, I'm in the middle of re-reading The E-Myth, since it's a good refresher and I find myself having to scale up one of my businesses.

I'm looking at (re)reading Deep Survival next week because I'm going on retreat. I have saved it for a close reading and copious notes because I think there's something similar in the people who survive dangerous situations and the people who survive and thrive in starting small businesses.

I'm in the middle of The Social Animal, by David Brooks, which I adore. I think I'm going to keep it. (That's saying something, since I read voraciously, but I have only one shelf of books I felt was worth revisiting.) The way he's tackled the book is very interesting and it's incredibly deftly done.

I have Republic of Thieves out from the library, the newest in the Gentleman Bastards series. I don't know when I'm going to get to it. When I start a fiction book I tend to read it straight through, and nothing else gets done, so I'm loathe to start one.

I also have TapDancing to Work the new Warren Buffet autobiography, The Compass of Pleasure (which has been on my wishlist so long I've forgotten what I wanted it for) and Medieval Mercenaries a book about the history of mercenaries. I've always been very interested in mercenaries. I don't know why.

Today a friend recommended The Small Business Life Cycle which I already own, so it will be moving up on the list. I really admire the author, a US Army veteran and philosopher.