(Part 3) Best products from r/BDSMcommunity

I am so glad you enjoyed reading! We are always glad to pass along information.

• In public: We live in what is called a "Modern Day 1950's M/s Relationship." In terms of practical application, to the outside world we look like an old fashioned couple. He works, leads the family, manages big finances like investments and retirement, and is career focused. I am a happy homemaker. I cook, clean, bake, craft, tend to the children.
  
  I wear a simple silver day collar that is quite delicate and never comes off. Our kids have asked, they see it as "like a wedding ring from daddy, only for my neck!" Nobody else has ever questioned it.
  
  I am his posession but his most prized one. He treats me like a queen and I treat him like a king. I walk in front on his left but nobody would ever notice that. He opens car doors and store doors for me, pumps my gas, takes me out on dates. I wait with a cold drink and hot meal at the end of the day, work to shower him with love and affection when he's not working, make a sack lunch to take on his work day.
  
  What people see is a kind, respectful couple who loves being together and laughs a whole lot.
  
  I will copy and paste an applicable article written by my husband about living this way around others and subtle forms of PE below; it expands on how we engage and maintain the dynamic in public. It may be useful to those looking to expand to full time D/s or M/s.
  
  There are lots of different styles of living M/s. If you are interested in reading more about the 1950's Household (we penned the essay in the below book) or other different styles of M/s, you should check out this resource. https://www.amazon.com/Paradigms-Power-Styles-Master-Relationships-ebook/dp/B00PG5DZL0
  
  
• Our 1950's household is structured as a corporate hierarchy, in part because so much of the household roles hinge on financial contribution.
  
  Husband/Master acts as the CEO. As CEO, responsibilities include directing, decision making, and leading. It is the sole responsibility of the CEO to maintain the flow of income into the "company", including the future financial health of the entire household.
  
  Wife/slave acts as a manager, reporting directly to the CEO. The CEO has outlined expectations of day to day operations, including (but not exclusively) managing employees (the children) and the base of operations (the home), as well as keeping costs to a minimum, and a happy working environment for all in the household.
  
  Children would be (adorable and well loved) "employees". They have jobs to do (school, chores, extracurricular activities) and are expected to fulfill those jobs to the best of their capability. They are managed by the manager (mother) a majority of the time; serious enough problems are discussed between both parents.
  
  Everybody in the hierarchy has, and knows, their function. Concerns or problems are discussed amongst the CEO and manager, away from employees, in a boardroom type setting, with the ultimate decision resting on the Head of Household.
  
  So frequently people who are unaware of the functioning of the modern 1950's household bristle at the fact that not only do I not work outside the home, I cannot do so unless expressly permitted by my husband. My hopes is that explaining this hierarchy shows why it is so: I already have a job, my boss is my husband, and any time committed outside of my job as a homemaker is time away from the job I have.
  
  In terms of small decisions, he just makes them. Sometimes he'll ask, "Anything sound good for supper?" and sometimes he'll simply drive to the restaurant. Over the years in D/s training, his preferences turned into expectations. He likes nine ingredient eggs every morning so I just wake up and make them! My entire wardrobe has been hand picked by him now so anything I wear is pleasing. I know if he likes me shaved, how to fold his socks in four different ways, how much starch he likes in his shirts, and the list goes on and on. It's.... easy. No bickering, no back and forth, no more.
  
  I am the strong woman behind the powerful man. I am a natural born follower and completely adore my position in our home and life. I am good at what I do and he appreciates the shit out of me. It's truly power exchanged. He can do what he does because I am backing him up. I am living the life of my dreams because of the work he puts in. We couldn't do it without each other.
  
  
• Sure there are times that I feel looked over. Nothing big, nothing abnormal to any other long term relationship, vanilla or otherwise.
  
  I simply talk with him about it respectfully and honestly and he adjust the sails of the ship accordingly. I will also copy/paste and article I wrote about our communication strategy; it's one of the hardest things for s-types to wrap their mind around.
  
  I've never been improperly punished or disciplined. We used punishment and (particularly) discipline a lot during our training time in Dominant and submission. Now as Master/slave and in the long term maintenance of this dynamic he relies more heavily on a reward based system. I want to please. I know his expectations. He could always go back to punishment/discipline but it's hard to think of a reason why he'd need to.
  
  There have been fleeting moments of "Is this too much work/obligation?" or the like (this relationship dynamic takes a whole lotta attention and effort on both sides of the slash) but we've not ever seriously considered undoing what we've built. We're just very, very happy. It feels natural and comfortable and sexy.

Ok, that's better.

First, don't put too much weight on yourself. The fact that she cannot have an orgasm with you right now doesn't necessarily mean that you suck (ha !) at sex. That's what i feel from your post, so don't. Maybe she's not too sure about her fantasies, feel guilty of having those, or anything. From what i know of woman, if you put some guilt, self doubt, image issue whatever in the mix, and you can block the whole thing. So be supportive, listen to her, reassure her but you need to relax on her inability to orgasm yet. Most of the time, trust and comfort will help her relax and be more in sync with you. Maybe some woman could give you more insight on that point.

For the mental part. Think of BDSM like a play with characters. Imagine the man who symbolize for you the ideal dominant (mine is robert downey jr by example) and take that as a role model. What would he do, what would he say, his posture, his look etc ... BDSM is a lot about how you project things and how other perceive that. So first rule, if you doubt of your dominance, other will feel it. When a dom order his sub, he doesn't let her have any other choice but to obey. What can helps you with that (at least it helped me) is think one move ahead, you'll seem assertive because your order will feel like one small part of something bigger. Imagine a boss telling you to finish the report for Monday and put it on his desk first hour. There is no negotiation, and doesn't have any interest in the fact you have tennis that day, the only thing he cares about is if you understood correctly what he wants. Some wisdom from the joker "Nobody panics when things go according to plan. Even if the plan is horrifying". Basically, if you seems to know what you do, people who trust you will follow. Be casual when you order your sub around, screaming sound like overcompensation when people don't listen to you. When I order my sub around, i talk slowly and calmly. I know that' she's listening, so i just explain to her what's going to happen.

Now for the expectation part. I was in the same place as you some years ago. My sub was very experienced (several years with a Master with decades of experience) and I was very inexperienced. First step, accept that you're inexperienced. You're not broken or whatever, you just don't know yet. It's ok. If you have a good communication, she already know that maybe you'll be awkward, clumsy, breaking character the first time, again it's ok. Don't worry about it. Things became awkward when you let them be awkward. One time i remember, i was pouring hot wax on her, all domy and stuff, I move her on the table to change position, and i put the candle on the table. The only thing that could have happened, happened. The candle fell on my foot, and you bet your ass I screamed and run like a little girl across the room... I was just surprised and honestly lots of anxiety didn't help. We stopped, had a good laugh, a good fuck and just went to sleep. Did that event hurt in any way our relationship ? Not at all, actually it's good and fun memories. So don't worry, screwing up isn't an option, what you can choose is how you decide to own your mistakes. Furthermore, you have to remember that we talk about sexual stuff here, sex is fun, if you don't have fun, you're doing something wrong.

i can guarantee you that a simple slap across the face (again discuss that before) or a simple over the knee spanking with the right attitude, look, voice and all will have ten times more effects than trying to act a very complex suspension scene you're not familiar with. So stay "in your league" and advance slowly, one step at the time. Going slow will also allow you to build a dominant character because it doesn't happen overnight. What makes all the BDSM plays possible can be reduced at how credible your character is. There are lots of dom archetypes, some are nice, some are mean, other have high protocol, other are more casual, some are more physical, other more mental and psychological. You need to find the one you want to be, and start to act (in play of course) like him. Your final dynamic is the mix of your wants and her needs and wants. There is no two person on earth who will enjoy an identical set of kinks. Just imagine, a checklist have hundred of entry each can be noted from 0 to 5 for how much you enjoy it and 0 to 5 for how difficult is that for you. That's an infinite amount of possible combinations. So every relationship need to negotiate all the time, to find a common ground. That's why we value communication so much and advice new comers to first establish an open, clear and non judgmental like of communication. Lots of people think they have an unbiased and perfect communication, but when you think that's the case, it's just the start really. Those level of communication need a very high level of trust in your partner.

To summarize :

• Talk to her, never assume
  
• Accept that you're learning
  
• Relax on her inability to cum with you. You'll see how that goes when you introduce new concept in your relationship with her.
  
• Spank that ass with your hand and your mind ! =)
  
  Now some homework !
  
  Read that. Maybe not especially for you but i give the link to all new dom, so ...
  
  BDSM checklist for her. Something that could help with shy people is make them write a fantasy. Writing can help express thing you cannot say out loud (for your con non-con suspicion)
  
  There are several books linked in the resource section of /r/bdsmfaq . Screw the roses, send me the thorns is one of my favorite.
  
  For the mental aspect, you can read the Control Book by Masters. Also the New topping (and bottoming) book. In terms of books about psychological aspect of BDSM you have a very wide range of available book because you can learn from dog traning book to old "Good wife guide" kind of book (for 50's household), field manual for prisoners interrogation (i'm into interrogation play). Magic tricks book (for mindfuck). It really depends on what play you're interested in.
  
  Take care, and have fun.

Here's my standard "Intro to hypnosis" post.

You know that old chestnut that a sub gives her submission to a dom? That is literally true with erotic hypnosis. Going into hypnosis is a learned skill like mediation. The hypnotee is the one does all the work during hypnosis. It's impossible to get any effect out of hypnosis without cooperation. This is one of the things that makes erotic hypnosis so safe.

That said, there are things you need to be aware of with hypnosis:

• never do therapy because of possible abreactions
  
• how to handle an abreaction
  
• hypnotic safewords
  
• how to phrase suggestions
  
  There are a few really good resources you should look into. In this order:
  
  
• Busman's Holiday: a porn story, but it is written as a complete primer in erotic hynosis. It's better than most hypnosis books I have read, and it is hot as hell.
  
• EMC Podcast. It gives a good guide of modern inductions and also covers SSC in the context of hypnosis.
  
• Look Into My Eyes: a complete primer on hypnosis in the context of D/s and BDSM. I've not read it, but I've heard it's hypnosis theory is out of date-- the EMC Podcast is supposedly much better.
  
• Warp My Mind: A great resource for free hypnosis MP3s, but quality varies greatly. I find the earliest files are the best.
  
  As for the practical side of getting started, I'd advise starting slowly. Hypnosis will be more effective on your GF if she thinks it will be effective. If you start with hard stuff and it doesn't work, it might make it harder to do hypnosis in the future. In general, some phenomena are harder than others:
  
  
• triggers to do something or act in a certain way (easiest)
  
• suggestions to think something (temporarily)
  
• sensory magnification
  
• positive hallucenations (you see X, you feel Y)
  
• negative hallucentations (forget about X, don't see Y) (hardest)
  
  Here's how I would recommend starting:
  
  
• Start your GF with Trig Freeze as a convincer that hypnosis is real. That should give you enough that you should be able to have some early D/s fun. Freezing her while you're outside of her view should build delicious anticipation.
  
• Get an SSC file. Hypnotic Safety Net is a good example. It puts in safegaurds so your GF will feel secure with the other triggers.
  
• Find some other easy files. I'd recommend TrigBodySlave, TrigArousal, and TrigNipplePlay. These should be enough (trigbodyslave especially) for some really hot D/s play.
  
• To get better results, you might need a better induction than the stock induction in front of all the files. Here are some better inductions: Blink's induction, EMG's confusion induction, Lutz Bubble Induction. Try some of those out and see what works best.
  
• To get the best effects, I usually put a long induction followed by multiple suggestion files, followed by a wakeup portion. To do this, you'll need to do some basic sound editing with audacity. If you become a member of the WMM site, he'll do this editing for you.
  
• If you want to experiment with other hypnotic effects, search for the author ChewToy on WMM. He has some great hypnosis files that demonstrate other hypnotic phenomena you can experiment with.
  
  

A copy/paste of one of my posts from January:

There are several books about BDSM and its culture. Also female sexuality is often shunted for male, and both genders get a ton of misinformation in the judgmental world. The clit is a lot more than a nub and the proper term is vulva. I’ll post a few links of my favorite reading material and a bit about why I enjoyed them. The New Topping a New Bottoming Books a good overview of how to set up, the different types, and responsibilities of each person in a scene and explores the emotional side of it. https://www.amazon.com/New-Topping-Book-Dossie-Easton/dp/B001TJV5DW

https://www.amazon.com/New-Bottoming-Book-Janet-Hardy/dp/1890159352/ref=pd_sbs_14_t_0/159-2529759-0556432?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=KEXYX8NPBXC1K8VSJF0N

Playing Well With Others. Examines the entire kink culture and how and why people can safely get involved. All the different symbols, types of D/s way more definitions then I could say here, the difference between a kink club, sex club, fetish night, leather bar etc. is all here. The back has a great long overview of many possible kinks and a chart for you to map out your experience and limit levels with each one. Also has a glossary of more books.
https://www.amazon.com/Playing-Well-Others-Discovering-Communities/dp/0937609587/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1483220806&sr=1-1&keywords=playing+well+with+others

Also I’m new to relationships in general but to really learn how to make a woman feel good you might want to look into She Comes First. As you'll see from reviews even couples who've been together a long time really got 'energized' by the book. Also good at dispelling many myths around female sexuality that both men and women might think. It’s written by a guy but very focused on female-centric pleasure, right up a subby guy’s alley. It’s really helped me and I’m only halfway through since I got it 2 days ago!
https://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1483221177&sr=1-1&keywords=she+comes+first

Darling Discovered. A submissive woman’s journey from a vanilla relationship transitioned to D/s. I really identified with her for much of the book. The other recommendations are mostly objective but you really go into Mrs. Darling’s heart, it’s a true story so none of the trite clichés made by authors who know nothing of the culture. It may also give insight to those already in relationships considering BDSM, something I don’t have experience in. Her prologue that you can view with Look Inside certainly grabs the attention of the reader! https://www.amazon.com/Darling-Discovered-True-Story-Submission/dp/0997421916

I have a few newer reviews if you want?

ooops, sorry, i mean that s-types will tend to test, or push back, to test if you're paying attention/will follow up with what you say. Not to sound demeaning, but like how a kid will test to see if they can get ice cream by asking often enough?

A LOT of this is going to be influenced by your own personal preferences. You can take something really simple - holding doors is pretty common - and turn it into a protocol. In some dynamics the dominant person holds the door for the submissive person. Some sort of chivalry thing or whatever. In other dynamics it's reversed, a tiny act of service. For some folks it might be a very rigid thing, where the person will stand there and wait for the door to open for them and others are more flexible based on circumstances. None of those are better or worse than another. It's all what makes those individuals happy and feel their roles (and in turn gets them hot).

Some folks will look to archetypes to help guide them. This book has some of that sort of information, but any archetype is just a starting place, and you don't want to feel boxed in by it.

We enjoy playing with the idea i am less than him, a servant and an object. I hold the doors, wait to sit or eat or get in the car until he has done so (or grants permission). When we go out he often orders for me, but i'm (usually) allowed to make requests. When it's just us i often sit on the floor. I don't typically get to wear clothes in his bed. I have to get permission to wear tights or pants when we're together (except for hiking, which has a standing permission) because he wants access to my body.

So those same things carry to sexy time - i'm supposed to focus on his pleasure. I'm not supposed to pull away or deny him access to me, but he can punish me for touching or not touching him as directed. i have to ask permission to cum. After we have sex it's my job to clean up.

Some of that developed organically, some was intentional. There are dozens of "well that didn't work!" not included in our current dynamic.

Dominance is 1) comfort with yourself, 2) ability to set realistic expectations, and 3) willingness give honest feedback.

It's important, whether you're new or a veteran, to stick to the things you actually care about when setting expectations, because you'll have the expertise/perception, and your heart will be in it when you give feedback.

For example, your sub might have two duties: making coffee and hanging up your pants. If you are serious about your standards for how those get done, and you are genuinely rewarded when they're done well, and can teach her how to do them, giving feedback and praise, and if you won't let it go when it's forgotten.. that's dominance.

Exercise of dominance doesn't have to be around kink or sexuality -- it just has to be about something that truly matters to you, so that they can see you're actually happier when they do it (correctly).

Read the book "Real Service" for more.

Anyway, just so I get this of my chest given that I don't know how much experience OP has, a short safety message: Rope Bondage is edge play (you can get seriously hurt), please don't go and do something that you've seen once on the web, practice first on a pillow/log/broom/teddy/yourself and get comfortable with knots and the rope you want to use. Have EMT safety scissors with reach at all times when you actually tie someone up, because rope is cheap in comparison to anyones well-being.
/EndSafetyRant

Get on FetLife(Interesting that not allot of people advertise the awesome site, subscribe to the rope bondage forum and read the stuff from there, you can also try to see if you have someone in your area that has some experience using FetLife, though I understand that smaller communities tend to have less kinksters in them.
Other Reasources:

• Totally agree with Heimdall33 and to add pic 1 and two are using nylon, while 3 is using a cotton rope (commonly know as laundry line).
  
• Two Knotty Boys are good and have free videos
  
• Some Hogtied educational vids
  
• Know your knots and more of the same
  
  Have fun, take it slow, grow and learn how awesome it really is! :)

That helps. My wife read The Mistress Manual and got a lot out of it, especially in terms of the relationship dynamic. I never read it (I wasn't supposed to), but she seems a lot more comfortable as the top now.

As for the BDSM play, that's pretty broad as well. Bondage is the only one I've read a lot on. A great rope bondage book to own is The Knotty Boys Show You The Rope.

Of course, there's a giant list of other types of play you might want. Just go to Fetlife and look at the fetishes list. Feel free to come back here for advice.

The one thing every single book will say is to communicate with your partner. Do it. Seriously.

I have stolen this from user /u/wizfrk who also has a tumblr page which can be found here.

Social Sites:

Fetlife (Facebook for Kinksters)

Fetlife Novices & Newbies Group

House of Tanos - BDSM Blog, Slave/Master stuff

Informed Consent (UK)

Datenschlag (DE)

Readings/Electronic Resources:

BDSM Identities

Darr_Syn's Post Dump

BDSM-Chicago Tutorials

NLA Columbus SM101

BDSM for Nice Guys

Restrained Elegance - Slave Position Lexicon (nice pictures)

Rope Related:

Be Knotty - Wiki

How to Tie a Karada

Rope & Knots

Animated Knots

Shibari Nation Tutorial on Rope

Wiki Article on Shibari

Books:

"How to Be Kinky: A Beginner's Guide to BDSM"

"How to Be Kinkier: More Adventures in Adult Playtime"

"Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns"

"The New Topping Book"

"The New Bottoming Book"

"The Better Built Bondage Book"

"On the Safe Edge"

Rope Related:

"Rope Bondage 101 -Free PDF via kinkfriendly.com"

"Complete Shibari, Volume 1: Land"

"Complete Shibari, Volume 2: Sky"

"Two Knotty Boys Showing You the Ropes"

"Two Knotty Boys Back on the Ropes"

"Shíbarí You Can Use"

"Bondage for Sex, Volume 1"

Videos:

KinkAcademy - Free Video's (paysite)

Pleasure Shop Collection

Rope Related:

Two Knotty Boy Collection

How to Tie a Shibari-Style Rope Shackle

Twisted Monk Collection

Hogtied Education Series


Rope Related:

EMT Shears

Aja Rope Hemp, MFP, paracord

Arizona Bound Cotton, Hemp, Linen, Jute

Beautiful Bondage (UK) Hemp, synthetic hemp, cotton, accessories, bulk orders

BindMe.nl (NL) Hemp, jute

Boss Bondage Hemp, accessories

Erin Houdini Nylon specialist, UV reactive colors

Esinem (UK) Hemp, jute, linen

HandmadeRope (CA) Variety of handmade rope

*HempTraders

Jade Rope (UK)(US) Variety of natural and synthetic fibers, accessories

Jakara Shibari (UK) Jute specialist

Jaoman (CA) Hemp

KinkyRopes Specialty ropes, jute, flax, hemp, rope toys

KnottyBound Hemp, jute, bamboo, bulk orders

Madame Butterfly Silk specialist

Maui Kink Hemp, jute, variety of exotic natural fibers, accessories, bulk orders

McHurt (DE) Hemp, general bdsm

Naturally Twisted (AU) Jute, accessories

Omega Jute Jute

Ouchy (NL) Hemp, jute, synthetic hemp

*Rawganique hemp, products

Ravenesque Rope nylon, nylon/polyester blend

Renaissance Rope Hemp, jute, bamboo

Rope Extremes Hemp, MFP, nylon, synthetic hemp, paracord

Shibari Ropes Hemp, jute, suspension rings

TwistedMonk Hemp, accessories

Venus Ropes Hemp, MFP, nylon, accessories

Vintage Rope Hemp, cotton, MFP, accessories

*not treated

Personalities/Events:

Lord Morpheous

Two Knotty Boys

Midori

Fred aka ShibariK - French Fetish Photographer

Serenity9

Shibaricon

Bondage Radio

Fun/Fiction/Entertainment:

KinkForKindle - Free Kink Ebooks

Cherise Sinclair - Great BDSM Fiction Writer

Nana to Kaoru - Cute BDSM Manga

Extra:

Please Punish Me! - Punishment Generator

Slave Contract Generator

BDSM Checklist & MojoUpgrade - Discover your kink Questioner


DS

I’ve played around with it a little, but I have a few friends who are super entrenched in the erotic hypnosis scene. They’ll commonly refer to the book, Mind Play, as the best printed resource for learning about it.

You could also check out EH conventions like Mindquake, Charmed, Entranced, and Neehu (there are probably more but those are just the ones I’ve heard people talk about) to attend classes and workshops. Dark Odyssey typically has one or two EH classes as well.

I can help with some of this stuff...

Magic Wand, if you're looking for the original HV-260 by Vibratex (Formerly Hitachi) Then you can order one from these places. I've bought mine from Amazon, but right now most retail places are about the same price, so you can be sure you're getting the real deal.

I know many people with the Lovense Lush and are happy with them.

Not sure about the anal hook, if such a thing exists. Lovense does make a remote controlled buttplug

Handcuffs? Like metal police-style ones? Not recommended. Process that rope and use that, or get something in leather or neoprene

For nipple clamps, something adjustable is good for beginners. I tend to use good old-fashioned clothespins mostly. I do have a pair of clover clamps and they hurt like hell, most people I play with cant have them on long.

Did you watch that WykD Dave video I linked before? Processing rope isn't hard. I was hesitant too my first time, once I got one down and saw how easy it was, the rest was smooth sailing. Like I also mentioned at the time, butcher block conditioner is easy to use, warm the bottle for a while in warm water to melt any solids in there, apply it to a rag, then rub down the rope with it. It doesn't take much, I used just under half a bottle to do my whole rope kit (the same one I linked you).

Edit: My next wand purchase, if I ever get to the point where I can afford to drop this kind of cash on one, will be the Doxy Die Cast which is 150% more powerful than the Hitachi and has a silicone head so it's more body-safe.

Edit2: Mineral oil or jojoba oil without wax can also be used to treat rope.

Sounds hot :)

(I'm sorry if you've already found this information. Just trying to give you some tips I received when I started experimenting more with BDSM.) If you're researching, you might want to check out some of Dossie Eaton and Janet W. Hardy's (old pseudonym is Catherine Listz) books. The Ethical Slut focuses on Poly, but it has a lot of good info about communication that's pretty applicable to all forms of kink and any other relationships. Both the New Bottoming Book and the New Topping Book are awesome. SM101 by Jay Wiseman is a great read too. These helped me a lot with navigating communication, wants, and needs.

Have your friend order him to fill out a Submissive's BDSM Checklist so that she has some idea of what he likes and doesn't like. He may have the idealistic view that a Dominant should just "know," or he may be too embarrassed to tell her directly -- maybe writing it down via the Checklist and not having to say it will be a good starting point for discussion, and he will feel less shy and start talking.

HOWEVER, I would recommend to your friend that if he won't talk about it at all, that she doesn't do anything until he's willing to communicate and own his desires in some way. If he can't communicate outside the scene, he probably won't do so "in scene," and that is a recipe for drama and disaster, as well as possible injury.

EDITING to add that a wonderful resource for women whose male partners have expressed an interest in Domination is The Mistress Manual: The Good Girl's Guide to Female Dominance. Another good (although very heteronormative and directed toward MaleDoms and femsubs, it has great info and exercises, nonetheless) book for beginners is Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns.

I'm a 37M disabled Dom in the lifestyle. This book has helped me a great deal in dealing with submissives who are physically or mentally disabled. I've also gotten just as much out of his companion book for Dom's who are disabled. And I will be happy to answer any questions you might have please just ask them. Please just send them to me as a reply to this or a PM.

Having a physical disability and doing BDSM is no different than having a certain kind of hard limit. Some people love needles and blood and others hate needles and blood for example. You're not going to be ignored by prospective Dom's unless they're number one thing is doing scenes involving needles and blood. It just means you need to find one who doesn't care about your disability. And there's a shit ton of them out there, including me. Trust me when I say this. I'm speaking from experience. It's very common knowledge in the lifestyle that people with physical and mental disabilities are greatly helped live much more satisfying and fulfilling lives both sexually and otherwise by practicing BDSM.

Shit, the girl under my protection right now has very severe fibromyalgia. You want to know what happens when she's with me and she has a flare up? I get the flogger out and 5 minutes later her problem is gone. That's right, floggings help negate fibromyalgia flare-ups. It's almost a cure. And that's just one example. I can't even begin to go into all the ways BDSM has helped me with my physical disabilities along with my PTSD and depression. Joining the lifestyle of five years ago was when the best decisions I've ever made. And I just saw a young lady only a few years older than you that I know at the dungeon last night who's permanently wheelchair-bound. She and her Daddy scened for hours!

So seriously, please ask me any questions you have because I will be more than happy to give you the best answer possible.

Broken Toys: Submissives With Mental Illness and Neurological Dysfunction
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B013PQCP08/ref=dbs_a_w_dp_b013pqcp08

Kneeling in Spirit
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B013CGVAHA/ref=dbs_a_w_dp_b013cgvaha

Mastering Mind: Dominants With Mental Illness and Neurological Dysfunction
https://www.amazon.com/Mastering-Mind-Dominants-Neurological-Dysfunction-ebook/dp/B00PG5DZCY/ref=pd_aw_sim_351_1/133-0226460-5633645?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=B00PG5DZCY&pd_rd_r=7c9831e0-bdcf-45c5-9df5-04712811e4bd&pd_rd_w=Gq9NV&pd_rd_wg=Y1mqF&pf_rd_p=6329818b-951a-4e75-9070-7e13e9f9f308&pf_rd_r=9FH7QG8CR48VNNMAJZMZ&psc=1&refRID=9FH7QG8CR48VNNMAJZMZ

If nothing else you can give the last one in the diamond you might have so that they can learn how to better care for you.

Now take care and be in touch.

It sounds like you might form "anxious" attachments to people. I do too! I hate it, but it's not something you can just turn off, otherwise neither of us would put ourselves through all the unhappiness that comes with it. However, I can offer you some resources for learning more about attachment theory.

One of my favorite bloggers, Dr. Emily Nagoski, has written a bit about attachment. Here's a good starting point on her blog: http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2010/06/21/attachment-styles-a-primer/

Also, because I feel my anxious attachment style is holding me back, I just started reading this book (not an affiliate link). I picked it up from my city's library, and it's really interesting so far. I can't vouch for its ability to help me or others who don't form secure attachments, but it's been recommended to me by multiple people.

Ooooo....I hate sitting in that one after a while, too. The metal edge of the base might not seem sharp or rough, but it really digs in after a while.

This is so far my favorite plug for long-term wear. It's silicone, and the base is tapered and curved slightly to fit between the cheeks and not dig in. My record so far is wearing it for 13 out of 15 hours. I took it out to relube (silicone, so have to use water-based lube) twice and use the bathroom once. That day I wore it for an 8-hour work shift, to cook dinner at home and then to go play volleyball with dinner and drinks after.

I'm planning on ordering the large soon and working up to all-day wear with that, too.

Good luck!

If you don't think you know how to do it properly, you need to tell her a head of time, and talk about how to proceed. Maybe make it a practice before you get deep into a scene. You can always focus on the other kinky stuff that you feel more confident about. Explore safely, sanely and consensually. And means being honest about your skill level.

There are a lot of books out there.
https://www.amazon.com/Shibari-You-Can-Use-Japanese-ebook/dp/B00S46RMNK/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?keywords=shibari+ebook&qid=1572969064&sr=8-1

https://www.amazon.com/Knotty-Showing-Ropes-Step-Step/dp/193116049X/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?keywords=shibari+books&qid=1572969143&sprefix=shibari+book&sr=8-1

https://www.amazon.com/Complete-Shibari-1-Douglas-Kent/dp/0973668814/ref=pd_aw_fbt_14_img_3/191-1189122-4871707?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0973668814&pd_rd_r=3406f48b-63f6-4e69-9654-39f9dc5dd2ea&pd_rd_w=W7vb5&pd_rd_wg=cRP8r&pf_rd_p=6e6afc8a-fbbd-4649-97cf-4e08f5113612&pf_rd_r=7DX6V5JHWKR1S99KCEQ1&psc=1&refRID=7DX6V5JHWKR1S99KCEQ1

Be safe and have fun

35 feet is honestly long for rope stuff, even for people who do a lot of rope stuff.

Most ropes come in 30 feet pieces and are doubled over to create more surface are, for a total of 15 feet of working length.

Many people prefer even shorter lengths, in the 23 foot range, again doubled over for more like 11 feet of working length.

Some rope packages come with 5 lengths of 30 and 2 lengths of 15. The lengths of 30 are used for complex ties, while the 15 are used for smaller ties or finishing longer ones where you need just a little more rope.

The 15 foot lengths are again doubled over for a very manageable length of 7.5 feet.

You could cut it into 3 pieces. Two 10 foot lengths and one length of 15. Knot the ends off, or use tape if you do not intend on washing it. This would give you enough for say-

• hands together, feet together
  
• hands together, feet at each corner of foot board
  
• wrists to thighs
  
• wrists to crotch
  
  Very helpful video for learning rope.
  
  Another helpful rope tutorial.
  
  Have you got safety shears?

Ok, so bondage + toys... Get yourself a magic wand (if you don't already have one) and porn search "forced orgasms". There's also a ton of attachments you can get for those to really rev things up. (wandessentials.com/attachments-full.html - all of which are available on amazon)

Has he experimented with rope bondage yet or just cuffs and rigs? There's some really nice rope available at Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B00L32F0FY/ref=oh_aui_i_d_old_o2_img?ie=UTF8&psc=1) and awesome tutorials at The Duchy (www.theduchy.com/ties.shtml)

Has he ever mentioned electro toys? Violet wands or TENS units?

ALSO! For a man who wishes his woman to worship his cock as a god... His cum should be ambrosia to you. Crave it, need it, beg for it. He's 20 so a little foreplay and he'll be hard as a rock again. Tell him you don't care about anything else, all you want and need is his cum in your mouth, on your tongue, inside you... That his cum, every single drop, belongs inside you, your mouth, your ass, your pussy... When he cums in your mouth, show it to him. Show him your empty mouth after you've swallowed every drop. Grip his cock firmly at the base and draw upward toward the tip to get the very last little bit and lick it off the tip, slowly and gratefully. When he cums in your mouth, thank him for the gift he gave you.

That last bit, the "thank you" will almost undoubtedly get him rock hard again.

Here's something you need to decide for yourself... Anal... Is it something you want? If it is... Get yourself an anal trainer kit. There's usually 3 sizes that help you work your way up. If you're into this and you tell him you're preparing yourself to be taken in EVERY way... My god, he'll lose his damn mind.

So... I hope this helps...

Until next time...
u

Some good rope bondage resources I like -


Two Knotty Boys


Twisted Monk


The Duchy


Crash Restraint


If this is something you're really interested in and you don't mind spending some money on it, Shibari You Can Use and its sequel are good books to have on hand.


There's also /r/ropetutorials, but it seems like it's mostly people asking for help. I think there are some actual tutorials there if you dig enough though.

Yeah! To start you can play with clothespins. I also would recommend your first pair of clamps be adjustable bull nose. They are affordable and are more manageable for beginners. On the loosest setting they should be tolerable and might barely stay on if they get jostled at all. Adjust as desired. You can always put them on their tightest setting, leave them on longer, pull on them, add heat or ice, or whatever to make it more intense.

Bull Nose Nipple Clamps https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004QIWRTO/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_hoGTAbSEFGHBP

If you want more intense, go tweezer or clover (clover are real strong, and close tighter as you pull on them!)

The local Home Despot is the best place to get started.
You want the kind or rope without a core like
twisted nylon

There are some good resources online for how to do ties. Start with twisted monk

And buy a set of EMT shears
Important in case of emergency either physical or mental.


Very important, it's ok to tap out and stop right in the middle, by either side. Set up a safe word.

After that spend a bunch of time talking about it. What you both liked, didn't like, want to try..

Nice job! This is not bad at all. Maybe explain how you did it? What materials? If others want to do it themselves.

What I like is that this is velcro so it would be super easy to pull on/off rather than have to unbuckle a cuff. Can switch positions quickly with more fluidity than having to uncuff then cuff again. And customized perfect for the wife!

What I would like to point out is that, you said it was super expensive but there are stuff that aren't. Amazon 4 Cuffs and 4 belts for $16. If the inside is uncomfortable you can add extra felt since you can DIY =P

My wife and I are poly and in a 24/7 dynamic.

I would recommend reading Power Circuits: https://www.amazon.com/Power-Circuits-Polyamory-Dynamic/dp/0982879415

It talks a lot about different dynamics, how to resolve conflict, and how to communicate openly and honestly within a power dynamic when you're poly.

I think especially where you're long distance, it's easier for you to see the relationship in the exact light you want to see it. You're not reading into body language or mannerisms in the same way you would in a 1:1 setting. You've been given no visible reason not to trust him. I'm pointing this out specifically only because it hasn't been addressed in the other comments, not because I think it's good or bad, just trying to be objective.

I'll recommend a great read I found years ago, Different Loving (brame/brame/jacobs). the amazon link is eloquenter than me

> I thought that there would be dynamics like this out there, but I'm struggling to find it.

I have a dynamic that's much like this with two girls I'm 24/7 M/s with. I can elaborate on our expression of it if you would like.

> Does anyone know where I could read more about similar dynamics?

This may or may not float your boat in this particular area - https://www.amazon.com/Paradigms-Power-Styles-Master-Relationships-ebook/dp/B00PG5DZL0

We use this: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00N8C14WU/

It's inexpensive and it gets the job done. The cuffs are pretty comfortable, but the best thing is that they're detachable, so at some point if you want a different style of cuffs (we use leather) you can just swap them out.

I highly recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/product-description/1585429139

It's cheap, a short easy read, and has a lot of very helpful practical tips to help you and your partner deal better with anxiety and abandonment issues. My therapist recommended it to me.

This book is awesome and really helped my boyfriend understand the D/s mindset and helped us move forward in our journey. The couple starts off vanilla so it should be relatable to you. The author posts here on the BDSM subs too.

Note: it's geared towards those interested in a 24/7 lifestyle but does contain some general useful "scene" info as well.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0997421916/

I suggest something like this if you're just starting out, as opposed to the jewel type. The jewel plugs are uncomfortable for me, rub me raw, hurt coming out if they're inside of me for more than a few minutes and have slipped inside of me. I found the type I linked much more comfortable but every body is different, good luck.

Get a pair of these: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004NG8V9E/

If you end up using neckties you absolutely positively need a pair.

They're cheaper, safer, and better than anything you may have hanging around already.

Especially as a writer, I found that The Mistress Manual does a pretty good job of breaking down femdom. She goes through five archetypes of female dominants (or rather, male submission fantasies) and gives some good suggestions for activities that align with the different types.

I'll just add an echo.

r/EroticHypnosis

Mind Play - A Guide to Erotic Hypnois by Mark Wiseman

​

There are a number of erotic hypnosis groups on Fetlife. Which is a route to finding events near you.

For books I also like to recommend:

Monsters and Magical Sticks. There's no such thing as Hypnosis by Steven Heller

Trance-Formations Neuro Lingustic Programming and the Structure of Hypnosis by Richard Bandler & John Grinder

Specifically the Exercises I, II and III :)

​

Not 100% on point, but Different Loving is a very good treatment of BDSM generally. Section Three has chapters devoted to pain and sensation and such. Might be a good read for you.

Spread eagle where her arms and legs are tied to the bed frame in an X position is going to be the easiest. Doggy style will give you good access to her as well but the rope work is a little trickier.

I have had this restraint set for years. It’s very basic but it works.

Also this could be a great opportunity to play around with forced orgasms. Once you finally let her cum don’t stop. As she continues to orgasm her clit will become more sensitive to the point it can be overwhelming. Imagine vigorously rubbing the tip of you cock right after you cum. You can then make her beg you to stop. Also telling her she is your little fuck toy and you can do what you want with her can set a fun mindset for both of you.

Under the bed restraints. The same is available from several other sellers on Amazon as well.

Soft rope. Your local hardware store would be my first choice for rope though.

Two Knotty Boys has awesome basic tutorials.

Read some real literature. I haven't yet, but here are some suggestions:

The Loving Dominant

The Topping Book

Different Loving

You may be more of a service-oriented sub. There are a lot of us! And I'm a service-type Domme, too-- my boy comes and cleans and makes it generally easier for me to get done the things that I need to do. In exchange I give him rules, structure, expectations, and consistency. And I get to use him for my own devious purposes.

If this sounds interesting, I recommend this book on service.

Don't be discouraged, kinksters are as diverse as everyone.

There aren't really any online sources I would recommend. But I do enjoy the book Look Into My Eyes. I'm very experienced with hypnosis, myself (inside and outside the bedroom) so feel free to get in touch with me for any questions you might have.

http://www.amazon.com/Better-Built-Bondage-Book-Furniture/dp/0973668806 My gf got me this book for christmas. AMAZING.

I like this style of adjustable nipple clamps, although I find that they stay on some nipples better than others.

"Anxious people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back"

Apparently I should buy that book. Thank you internet stranger!

I read this AMA by a hypnotist a while back, and he recommended the book Look Into My Eyes as a good starting point for this sort of thing.

It's very exciting, isn't it? It's almost NRE (New Relationship Energy) to begin a relationship anew. I've been through the same journey - most of us here have. If someone had told me a year ago that I like pain, I'd have thought them bonkers - now I love it.

The first thing to say is that no activity, consented to by informed adults, causing no permanent harm, is the business of anyone else other than you and your partner. There's no need for fear or shame. Also that spanking is, frankly, extremely, extremely common among non-scene people. It's entirely normal.

There's a saying "It's only kinky the first time". You might even find that after a month, or 20 years, of introducing spanking into your love life, that you turn round one day and go "Meh, we've done that now". And it won't even seem kinky.

As long as you communicate your needs to your partner, and he's happy to do this with you, then just go for it.

If you want to look further into BDSM as a sub, you might find The New Bottoming Book helpful, and The Submissive Guide - (a massive resource, generally) also has lots of good info on spanking.

There are lots of ways to be spanked, either simply for the enjoyment of pain, or for the eroticism. Obviously there's the option of feeling totally out of control and in pleasant agony from heavy, irregular spanking. But for some women, a constant, unchanging, medium-intensity spank for a long period low on the buttocks can bring orgasm from the impact alone.

This might be a handy guide. You could probably find a free pdf though.

I've not tried it, but I like his bondage books:

http://www.amazon.com/The-Better-Built-Bondage-Book/dp/0973668806

http://www.amazon.com/Different-Loving-Sexual-Dominance-Submission/dp/0679769560

http://www.amazon.com/America-Unzipped-Search-Sex-Satisfaction/dp/0307351327

i found those books really helpful when i was researching something similar... if i find any of my other references i'll let you know

you know...

http://www.amazon.com/The-Better-Built-Bondage-Book/dp/0973668806

maybe get a book about how to build your own toys :) it is a moderate upfront cost (30 dollars) and then you can build everything else you need

The Better Built Bondage Book by Douglas Kent

Before you spend money on book(s), http://mojoupgrade.com is a good starting point. Especially if you answer and discuss the questions together.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Topping-Book-Dossie-Easton/dp/1890159360

http://www.amazon.com/101-Realistic-Introduction-Jay-Wiseman/dp/0963976389/

http://www.amazon.com/Mistress-Manual-Girls-Female-Dominance/dp/1890159190/

Bought, here's something very much like what we have https://www.amazon.com/Utimi-Fetish-Restraint-Bondage-Collection/dp/B00N8C14WU/ref=pd_lpo_vtph_121_bs_t_1?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=3NV5WVFE30DG5N60GAKX

Different Loving Is basically considered the bible to BDSM. It is written like a research book with history, anecdotal stories, descriptions, etc.

Different Loving

ems shears for all.

Read lots of books.

And also communicate!

Found it: http://www.amazon.com/Real-Service-Joshua-Tenpenny/dp/0982879431/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1450749493&sr=8-2&keywords=real+service

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1440449864

Man, there are a lot of nay-sayers in here.

It's not only possible, I once trapped a girl in a hands-free infinite loop of orgasms with hypnosis. Lost count after 16. (I let her out eventually, of course.)

It's been YEARS since I dabbled with hypnosis, but the basic structure (that I remember) was something like... put her in a trance, remind her of recent erotic situations that resulted in an orgasm, get her turned on enough so that she's right on the edge, then put in a post-hypnotic that she'll cum when she hears "rubber strawberry" from me and me only. (Or whatever nonsense phrase that won't ever come up in normal conversation.) Might require practice, might not. Some people take to it more easily than others.

OBVIOUSLY not classical conditioning, but it's how I've done it. If you already know classical conditioning, you already know everything you need to know about using it. Make her cum, tell her to cum while doing it. Eventually get to the point where you're controlling when she cums manually, and use the phrase when you push her over the edge. Then push her to the edge, and use the phrase. See if it works. Continue the trend of less stimulation, earlier command until voila. I think. Never really studied classical conditioning.

If you're not familiar with hypnosis, this is a basic primer into the subject. I bought it and realized I pretty much knew everything in it (learned through library books, reading the basic structure of suggestions/inductions, and figuring it out). (There's also a MUCH cheaper Kindle version on Amazon, and Kindle's available for your PC if you don't like having stuff shipped to you or whatever.)

(WARNING: Don't buy that 'relyfe' bullshit. It's hype and marketing designed to bilk you of your money.)

(DOUBLE WARNING: This is hypnosis. If you fuck shit up, you're doing it inside someone's head, which could be bad. It helps to have a programmer's mindset, because often the subconscious is highly literal. And clean up after yourself, put safeties on triggers, don't leave permanent stuff in if you just want it temporarily, etc.)