(Part 3) Best products from r/JUSTNOMIL

A quick note- "MIL, it seems you've forgotten that we don't feel comfortable with you dropping by unannounced. Right now DH and I are both incredibly busy and haven't had time to mention it.

I know you meant it to be a sweet gesture but it feels invasive, like I'm not an adult with my own home. I pay rent, and would appreciate it if you only used your landlord's key like a landlord- you know, give us 24 hours notice if you're coming over to take care of something on the property, and otherwise call and ask permission to come and visit like my parents do. You agreed to this before and it is kind of upsetting that you have forgotten what you agreed to.

It feels disrespectful when you don't call ahead like everyone else in our lives. And, like I mentioned, invasive and as if you don't respect us as adults. Neither of us have time for this right now, but I wanted to remind you of our request and your agreement.

Since you seem to have a problem remembering this, I can get a keypad lock for the house. It will increase the value of the home, and when you call or text to come over I can create or unlock a code for you on my cell phone. They are rather nice and I have a friend who swears by them for their rental properties (I'm your friend here, I swear by Schlange keyless locks).

Thanks."

Is there another way out of the house than the front door? Perhaps getting a rubber stopper like this and putting it on the front door will help.

Or you can get something like a really loud door alarm. https://www.amazon.com/Window-Door-Alarm-Kit-Pack/dp/B007RUGANC/ref=sr_1_6?s=electronics&ie=UTF8&qid=1496664917&sr=1-6&keywords=loud+door+alarm

These go off every time it's opened, but you can get one where you or DH have a remote and it turns it off. If she's short, you can put it at the TOP of the door frame so that if she comes in, she can't turn off the shrieking alarm. That's perfectly legal for you to put on your rental units, by the way, it just sticks on.

That way she's up for a loud. unpleasant surprise the next time she drops in uninvited. :D

OP, in addition to reading this link that /u/motherkos provided, please read these as well:

• My SMIL thinks my daughter is the child she never got to have. Help!
  
• My SMIL thinks my daughter is the child she never got to have. Help! UPDATE PT1
  
• My SMIL thinks my daughter is the child she never got to have. Help! UPDATE PT2
  
  TL;DR version: The SMIL (stepmother-in-law) kept trying to usurp the role of the mother, due to her own unprocessed grief around not being able to have a child. Her attempts to step into the role keep escalating, and when confronted, she had a serious meltdown/possible psychotic break.
  
  I'm NOT suggesting that your MIL has mental issues. But based on your post, I get the sense that:
  
  
• she seems very determined to be viewed as the Mother, rather than the Grandmother, to LO,
  
• she also wants to be the authority on your LO (hence her determination to ignore LO's food allergies--she's probably decided that you and DH are just being trendy or silly, like those gluten-free people, and wants to prove you wrong),
  
• and she wants to assert a certain amount of control over you, in a must-establish-dominance kind of way (hence the clapping).
  
  I don't know what's going on with her. The good folks who post here will have a ton of good advice for you based on their own experiences, and it would be a good idea to give their advice careful consideration.
  
  My own suggestion is that you get yourself a bound notebook that you can write in (something like a composition notebook), and start noting down every single time she does something that troubles you, along with date, time, place, who was present, what she did, how you responded, and her reaction to your response.
  
  Why? Because (a) it will help you see what patterns of behavior are there, (b) it can help you explain very specifically to your DH what you're seeing and why it troubles you, and (c) if--God forbid--her behavior escalates to the point where you feel the need to take legal action, you now have a record of your behavior (that's why you use this sort of notebook, by the way--if someone rips out the pages, it's obvious).
  
  Big hugs to you, OP. I can't imagine how upsetting this all is.

> I don't even know where to continue.

I think I can give you a few places to start. First off, what your mom was doing to you is sometimes called "emotional incest". I've found in my personal experience that having a name for my parents' dysfunctional behavior helps me to realize that I'm not the crazy one, it helps me to find resources, and it helps me to heal. If you Google "emotional incest" as your search term, you'll find a lot to look at. There are also a few books out there about the topic, but I haven't gotten around to reading them yet and I wouldn't feel comfortable giving recommendations for something I haven't read myself.

Unfortunately, most of the writing I've found on it assumes that it's an opposite sex parent/child, but I think that my mother also forced emotionally incestuous relationships on children of different genders. You're not alone. She used me (female) as her main emotional support for years, but not to the same extent as your mom. Then when I up and left, she switched to targeting my brother. It's tough to talk about and I can understand why you'd feel extra crazy because of it, but you're not. I think that my mother's demented emotional usage of me in addition to other factors harmed my ability to connect to other women for a while.

> She constantly called me a lesbian because during these years, I didn't date or have a boyfriend. I want to vomit thinking about this now, because it makes me think she considered her behavior towards me romantic.

You might also want to use the search term "covert incest"- you'll find info that way too. I think your mother was ashamed of her behavior and was projecting her shame onto you.

The website I linked to above, http://outofthefog.website/ is a very useful resource for learning more about dysfunctional family behaviors. A commenter elsewhere in this thread recommended Adult Children of Alcoholics, and in addition to a local chapter, you should follow their subreddit. It's over at /r/AdultChildren.

If you want a good book recommendation, Toxic Parents by Susan Forward talks about emotionally abusive parents, and she devotes a whole chapter specifically to the struggles of children with alcoholic parents. It is an old enough and popular enough book that you should be able to find it in local library, from a used bookstore, or off a site like thrift books to save you some money. It's a great book to read at the beginning of your healing journey.

The Emotionally Absent Mother, 2nd ed by Jasmin Lee Cori is worth looking for. It is broken into little chunks that make it easier to work through the book without getting emotionally exhausted. It is also packed with journal exercises that you can work on at your own pace. It talks about good mothers, neglectful mothers, and abusive mothers. It compares them, and it offers help for us to mother ourselves, to move forward, and to heal. A lot of books about abusive parents focus a lot on the parent. This book focuses more on us and the path forwards towards healing.

And finally, for a very unusual book recommendation- It's Never Too Late for a Happy Childhood by Claudia Black, the founder of ACOA. It's a picture book. The first time I read it, I cried, because it's full of affirmations for someone who was abused as a child. I have a hard time doing self-affirmations. I feel silly and have trouble finding words to tell myself that I'm a worthwhile human being. This book does it for you- just sit with it, read it slowly, and try to internalize all it has to say. It helps, and it's worth obtaining a copy to own and keep on your shelf for rough days.

I hope that wasn't too much of an info dump, but you mentioned getting a degree in psychology and you seem like a very self-aware and introspective person who would be interested in that. I just wanted to also thank you- you're the first woman I've heard from who was also tangled up in an emotionally incestuous situation with her mother. We deserved better.

Sounds like you did pretty well. The hold down is ideal when you sit v-legged, with the kid between your legs, back to you. You can bear hug the arms, and use your legs as passive weights over his legs. Leaning to the side protects you from head butting.

When my oldest kid was little, and hit his oppositional phase, I happened upon this book,
which really helped my spouse and me to get on the same page, and meet the tantrums with consistency and calm. It’s older now, but I think it has aged well.

It thoroughly discusses how to do a safe, humane hold down that is actually (eventually) comforting to the child. Offered in case anyone else happens upon this thread who might need it!

Hi.

One recommendation for your DH and FSIL: a bidet.

Don't trip out, they are cheap, sturdy, and easy to install. You know that nozzle on the wall behind the toilet? That's where the water for the toilet comes from. You basically stick the bidet right on that line.

Trust me, if I can do it, anyone can do it, you just need an adjustable wrench and a couple of different-sized screwdrivers.

Forget discussing toilet paper, seriously.

And non-digestive issues people need to learn about these things as well, because honestly? This washes your butt, okay. It does not give you an enema!

You could also try getting a new welcome mat. 🤣🤣🤣

I highly recommend the book The Gift of Fear. https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198
Like everyone else has said, please trust your gut. You are doing the right thing. Better that your MIL hates you than your kids for not protecting them.

>https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000XYWZYW/ref=cm\_sw\_r\_cp\_apa\_i\_IYa4DbKXFEJB9

I NEED these!!

I can't even cut scallions (green onions) without tears streaming down my face. Putting it in the fridge helps a little, but not much. These would be a life saver. Especially since as a half Pakistani half Italian girl who loves cooking, I use a LOT of onions in my cooking.

Not really germane to the sub, but as a fellow old lady with acne, I've found something that works.

Now I go around telling everyone like an obnoxious religious convert.

I'd bought a high DHA fish oil for my son (it's supposed to help with depression and ADHD symptoms) and he told me it completely cleared up his acne.

Now we're not allowed to run out of it.

At the time, I was like "yeah, probably not what helped" but I gave it a shot myself because why not, and fish oil is recommended for other things anyway. I haven't broken out in over a year. It's kind of amazing.

Where was this stuff in high school?

Or something like this: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Book-Gods-David-G-McAfee/dp/1533066760. He is an atheist author that has studied religion and has done quite a few good books that might be helpful

Yeah for DD2's spine. Maybe that will help DH when the time comes to evict her.

Have you considered something like the below for the TV and lamp? You would probably need 3, 1 for the TV, one for the big lamp, and one to turn on a nightlight. https://smile.amazon.com/Outlet-Required-enabled-Control-Gosund/dp/B074576LSB/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1539618635&sr=8-3&keywords=home+automation+plug+sockets (Disclosure, I know nothing about these, I just see them in my Big Box Home store.)

You may want to follow up on the heavy leg with her and log a call to here PCP. The "heavy" part could be a blood clot.

If you go on Amazon.com and search mother in law. The amount of things are funny.

Lie #1

Oh lawdy I dont know if they mean they will take of the MIL or what?

Toxic In-Laws, Strategies for protecting your marriage Lots of good reviews on this book actually!

I would recommend the book Toxic Parents to help you recognize and understand the patterns of abuse that you've been conditioned to accept as normal. It's not that you're an "underdeveloped child;" it's that you've been trained to normalize the bad behavior.

Also, I'm sure you'll get a choir of people singing it, but therapy. Therapy therapy therapy. Individual, couples, or group, whatever seems best for you, but get some.

Like these travel bidets. Careful, very much like a water gun in tiny hands.

Edit: We ultimately ended up getting a woot deal for these bidets for the house and I have never looked back. People who say they are life changing are right.

You could also try taking your meds with you whenever you leave the house, putting your meds in bottles with timer lids so you will be able to see when it was last opened, and/or getting something to lock them up in (a lock box with a good lock, or putting a lock on a cabinet or drawer to keep them in). Also, it might help you feel less anxious about leaving the house if you have a way to lock up anything particularly valuable (jewelry, important documents, etc.), confidential, or potentially embarrassing (like sex toys).

You need to get some legal paperwork in place that can secure not only your current and future medical care in your partners name, but that also explicitly excludes your mom.

If you do get another dog, service or other, get it microchipped and add in the coding that noone but you or partner are to make medical choices. At least its some attempt of control.

Also, hopefully this gives your a smile. Since everyone needs a chance on the fury road. https://www.amazon.ca/Wilton-710-5521-Silver-Color-Mist/dp/B005KTVG86

These work pretty good in my experience. Cheapest ones I've seen are around 5 bucks.

She's just a ball of positive sunshine, isn't she?

This is serious. I'm so glad you're moving, you sure do have a stalker. Call the police every time you hear a creak. I would suggest having someone stay with you when DH is out, and talk to all your neighbors and tell them you have a stalker and to call the police anytime they see anyone outside your home.

Do not tell Vacuunt anything else. I can't believe she's brushing this off. Please go buy a personal alarm, you can wear it on your belt or even your bra strap and it emits an ear piercing alarm when activated. https://www.amazon.com/Personal-HUMUTU-Safesound-Security-Batteries/dp/B07GWF36GZ/ref=asc_df_B07GWF36GZ/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=241967399507&hvpos=1o1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=14481923806982126972&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9028050&hvtargid=pla-558826845042&psc=1

Here's the book:
http://www.amazon.com/Toxic--Laws-Strategies-Protecting-Marriage/dp/0060507853/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1462908809&sr=8-1&keywords=toxic+in-laws

It's Toxic In-Laws by Susan Forward. It was a very helpful book for me. Hopefully it will be useful for both you and your wife.

Edited to add: Another thing that is probably adding to your wife's discomfort is that there is a strange balance of power in a relationship with a MIL. It makes it very awkward as a wife. You are both adults but as the MIL is your spouse's parent, you tend to treat them differently than you would another adult of the same age. And you don't want to start drama, so a lot of times you keep your mouth shut and let the MIL say things that you wouldn't let other people get away with saying to you. Or at least that's how it was for me.

I don't know if anyone mentioned either of these things as there were a lot of comments but!

You could get a lockable display case?

https://smile.amazon.com/Tz-Tagz-Acrylic-Showcase-Jewelry/dp/B00T6W03R8/ref=sr_1_3?crid=1YGML774WNRFL&keywords=lockable+display+case&qid=1564433910&s=gateway&sprefix=lockable+dis%2Caps%2C153&sr=8-3

And also take photos of your collection with some sort of timestamp maybe? Or just document everything you have in case you need to go to the police. You could also consider insuring it? Things like paintings can be insured so I don't see why collectibles from the titanic wouldn't be?

Here is hubby's Christmas gift. Make sure he opens it at the in laws house!

Now you have great ideas for Christmas for him though. All the Trump things with him blowing hot air or https://www.amazon.com/Resign-Trump-Hat-Resist-Donald/dp/B076D4B36J/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1538783392&sr=8-1&keywords=anti+donald+trump

​

I bought lab goggles for a chemistry class a few years ago, and I kept them for use in the kitchen.

You'll have marks around your eyes for a bit after cooking, but it's well worth it! Here's a link to some.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000XYWZYW/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_IYa4DbKXFEJB9

My psychiatrist recommended this book for my boundary issues with my parents, it’s really good: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553381407

>These

I was just coming here to recommend this! They're also called "self adhesive bandages" or "vet wrap" (no tape for hairy legs! lol!)

​

https://www.amazon.com/Adherent-Adhesive-Cohesive-Athletic-Swelling/dp/B01MZ8GBV6/ref=sr_1_7?crid=2W1OWA6QFWA2D&keywords=self+adhesive+bandage&qid=1563895587&s=gateway&sprefix=self+ad%2Caps%2C117&sr=8-7

​

My son has been using them on some foot wounds that are a pain to cover. He hasn't complained about being too hot and it sticks to itself nicely.

I say this with a bit of pettiness and a lot of “be prepared for her craziness”:

[Portable door lock](Addalock - (1 Piece ) The Original Portable Door Lock, Travel Lock, AirBNB Lock, School Lockdown Lock https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00186URTY/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_2QZ2DbZXWEKEM)

Also, use a composition notebook like this, where it’s obvious if you’ve ripped out a page, and write in blue or black ink. From what I’ve read this is helpful for legal purposes.

You can get bottle caps that show the last time it was opend.
https://www.amazon.com/TimerCap-Stopwatch-Organizer-EZ-Twist-Mail-Order/dp/B00ECK8KFG

I just post this as a suggestion for her next gift.

https://www.amazon.com/Wilton-710-5521-Metallic-Color-Silver/dp/B005KTVG86 hope this help

Get this book, The Gift of Fear ASAP. Your local library will have it.

 

You probably know this but remember if you want to thoroghly delete Reddit accounts you have to delete all your posts individually then nuke it. Otherwise your posts still show up just without a handle.

Oh let her come over. Just be ready for her. They sell stick on door alarms cheap at Wal-Mart. If you open the door more than a few inches it sets off a piercing siren. See of you can't rig your dresser drawers with them by attaching them inside the front of your drawer. I don't know what kind of dresser you habe but there has to be a way you can anchor the little piece to the dresser itself and the bigger piece to the drawer (or vice versa) so they can be moved away from each other when opened. Put them on the inside of your closet too. Then the second she tries to snoop the entire house will know and you can ask her "whatcha think your doing there in my panty drawer ?"

These are what I am talking about.
https://www.amazon.com/Window-Door-Alarm-Kit-Pack/dp/B007RUGANC/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1523177454&sr=8-4&keywords=Door+alarms

Points:

• she kidnapped your child and this "school" allowed it to happen
  
• this "school" was incompetent, complicit, and negligent in allowing someone NOT registered to pick up your child
  
• I found it hilarious once you said that you're going to the board SUDDENLY the principal was no longer "busy"
  
• a R/O is MUST at this point, no more fucking around
  
• a police report MUST be filed, it's time to build some paper trail or add to the paper trail
  
• if you haven't already, LAWYER UP! it's time to bring EVERYONE from the teachers to the principal to the school district to whoever into that court room and drag their asses through the fucking fire
  
• consider relocating completely and radio silence for EVERYONE until your family feels safe (or maybe not even then). pretend you're in the witness relocation program
  
  your MIL is reaching for power and control. you know the stories. you know how these cunts play the game. she's already shown you that she gives ZERO FUCKS ABOUT YOUR CHILD AND MORE ABOUT BEING THE ONE IN POWER AND CONTROL
  
  you haven't yet, read The gift of fear
  
  REMEMBER WE ARE HERE FOR YOU. WE WILL DO WHAT WE CAN FOR YOU. ANGER IS A HELPFUL TOOL. USE IT.
  
  

You should be able to filter their messages to a folder whether you're on an iPhone or an Android.

Then texts go to 'their' folder automatically. You don't have to see them but can check the folder daily, every couple of days or weekly (whatever works for you) & skim msgs for craziness.

This is better than blocking them because it lets you monitor texts on your schedule & gives you a record if legal action becomes appropriate.

If FIL comes after y'all you may have to send them a No Contact letter (certified, return receipt) & call the police if he shows up at your front door & won't leave. You can call the cops without a letter but it provides the authorities more reason to keep them away.

Relax as much as you can. You're adults. They can't guilt you or DH if you don't care. If they try to interfere in your lives you can stop them. Keeping them out of your lives is less stressful than allowing their ugliness / crazy in. Especially with children.

Here's /u/madpiratebippy 's reading list, cut & pasted from a post with her comments:

• Drama of the Gifted Child
  
  by Alice Miller. This was THE BOOK that started to set me free. It's a must read book for people with narc/abusive parents and their partners, in my opinion.
  
  
• Toxic Parents
  
  is a classic about how to see the manipulative patterns from abusive parents and get free of them.
  
  
• Wolf in Sheep's Clothing
  
  by Dr. George Simon. Man has a PhD in manipulation, and breaks down what the manipulators DO and how to shut it down. He's studied this for 20 years and it's AMAZING.
  
  
  Take a deep breath & share your experiences & questions here. You're not alone. Y'all can do this.
  
  EDIT: fixed link (thanks /u/Starkmoon)