Best products from r/Jokes

No, a Jasper Fforde fan.

> “Good. Item seven. The had had and that that problem. Lady Cavendish, weren’t you working on this?’

> Lady Cavendish stood up and gathered her thoughts. ‘Indeed. The uses of had had and that that have to be strictly controlled; they can interrupt the imaginotransference quite dramatically, causing readers to go back over the sentence in confusion, something we try to avoid.’

> ‘Go on.’

> ‘It’s mostly an unlicensed-usage problem. At the last count David Copperfield alone had had had had sixty three times, all but ten unapproved. Pilgrim’s Progress may also be a problem due to its had had/that that ratio.’

> ‘So what’s the problem in Progress?’

> ‘That that had that that ten times but had had had had only thrice. Increased had had usage had had to be overlooked, but not if the number exceeds that that that usage.’

> ‘Hmm,’ said the Bellman, ‘I thought had had had had TGC’s approval for use in Dickens? What’s the problem?’

> ‘Take the first had had and that that in the book by way of example,’ said Lady Cavendish. ‘You would have thought that that first had had had had good occasion to be seen as had, had you not? Had had had approval but had had had not; equally it is true to say that that that that had had approval but that that other that that had not.’

> ‘So the problem with that other that that was that…?’

> ‘That that other-other that that had had approval.’

> ‘Okay’ said the Bellman, whose head was in danger of falling apart like a chocolate orange, ‘let me get this straight: David Copperfield, unlike Pilgrim’s Progress, had had had, had had had had. Had had had had TGC’s approval?’

> There was a very long pause. ‘Right,’ said the Bellman with a sigh, ‘that’s it for the moment. I’ll be giving out assignments in ten minutes. Session’s over – and let’s be careful out there.”

> ― Jasper Fforde, The Well of Lost Plots

A Scotsman is visiting America and decides to go hunting. While in the woods a huge beast runs by and the Scotsman shoots, but misses. 'What was that!' yelled the Scot. 'It was a moose' replied his guide, to which the Scotsman replied: If that was a moose, I don't want to see what your rots look like!

The joke is originally from Issac Asimov (he has a really great joke book) so blame him for the accent!

I don't know why no one has pointed out my best friend: The Secret Crocs.

The same comfort of crocs without looking like your feet are traveling around in a cartoon submarine.

I'm really not trying to rage against anything or break anything down. You just remind me of the French Academy, that stalwart defender of the French language which bans any "Anglicized" words from signs, and insists on people using the unwieldy "'courrier électronique" instead of "email." They're guided by the same principle you are: that there's some sort of "pure" form of the language.

I suggest reading Bill Bryson's excellent book The Mother Tongue: English and How it Got That Way". In it, Bryson explains that most of the sacred English "rules"- for example, not ending sentences with a preposition- were simply made up and decided upon by stodgy old men. These men weren't translating rules from the heavens- they were just being persnickety and officious.

Language adapts. It incorporates new ideas, it gets rid of old ones, it naturally discards of things which are no longer useful to its speakers.

Insisting on a "proper" way to speak is lingual facism, if you'll excuse my hyperbole.

Catholic priest James Martin would strongly disagree. As far as he's concerned, God loves gags!

I liked this, but it took me a little longer to get because of the reversed order in the middle.

The first sentence has "Jesuits...Dominicans", the last sentence has "Jesuits...Dominicans", so the middle one should be "the Jesuits to fight the Protestants, and the Dominicans to fight the Albigensians."

Side note: A really interesting book I read about the common Cathars in France was Montaillou. Definitely check it out if you're interested in that period.

If you'd like to read about it, this book is awesome

OP, I don't know where you got this joke, but I can only assume that it came from a book.

I have never heard or seen this joke outside of that book.

I have no idea what it's called because I used to own it whenever I was way younger and I don't remember the title.

It had filthy jokes in it as well as illustrations. This joke was one of the ones illustrated.

If anyone could help me find this book you would be helping me in ways you'd never understand. This joke book was a huge factor in my childhood on the same level as MAD Magazines.

Edit: I found it. This is the book - has anyone else read it?

Lovely boss description.

Controllers: This one is iffy quality-wise, but looks neat

This one is tried n' true

/r/darksouls
, /r/darksouls2
, and /r/darksouls3 have fairly helpful communities

Edit: also, DS2 SOTFS edition is on sale here apparently

When Hannity and TV cop shows are your only source of information about this stuff a lot of well reasoned ideas can seem pretty crazy at first.

Edit: For anyone who wants a pretty good starting point for understanding this stuff "Off The Books" by Sudhir Venkatesh is worth a look. That chapter in Freakenomics about the drug war talks about this same guy's work.

Not that I know of, although you can look at the labels and find out, but if you want to avoid perfume you have to avoid everything in the frozen section of the supermarket other than plain frozen vegetables. Also, tons of baked goods, chips, lots of things in bottles and cans.

Look on the labels of your food. The phrases "Natural flavors," "Artificial flavors," or "Natural and Artificial flavors" all mean perfume.

If you want to avoid it, you pretty much have to buy unprocessed food.

If you want more information, the book "Fast Food Nation" goes into tons of detail.

found in this book. I have it and its really good for jokes you can tell around-the-cooler at the office or drinking with some buds.

Interesting, I don't think I've ever seen "cussing" written in any but extremely informal contexts in the wild, and the chapter on vulgar words in Stephen pinker's Stuff of Thought definitely uses "swearing" throughout to describe the entire broad set of things you call "cussing" here, which is consistent with the usage I'm most used to otherwise

Make America Great Again

Ok. There's various degrees too. You got the weebo nerd/blerd or whatevs who's still awkward and weird. Then you have the type that doesn't mind being "white washed" or not having to appeal to black stereotypes, doesn't mind having republican/conservative values (think Thomas Howell) or guys like Jason Riley or Tommy Sotomayor.

There is a wonderful book titled "1001 Lewdest Limericks" replete with these. http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0806517743?pc_redir=1414382857&robot_redir=1

Super Smutty Sign Language.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1250026210/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1416721794&sr=8-1

Sorry if the link blows, I'm on mobile

You really need to read this book: http://www.amazon.com/Illusions-The-Adventures-Reluctant-Messiah/dp/0440204887 you'll seriously love it. Quite topical.

This joke was in Drew Carey's book: "Dirty Jokes and Beer"

This is from a book of jokes by Drew Carey...I believe there is also an entire chapter of big dick jokes, pretty quality read.

http://www.amazon.com/Dirty-Jokes-Beer-Stories-Unrefined/dp/078688939X

Easily one of the [best purchases](http://amzn.com/B00A0RHSJO) I've ever made.

Bidets just need to be standard. I have this one and it is amazing. Now it just sucks when I'm away from home - so in a public restroom I grab a wet paper towel to do a final pass after toilet paper and then toss it in the trash.