(Part 3) Best products from r/asktransgender

tl;dr Check nearby cities, college towns, places with hospitals, etc. for better healthcare. I know it's hard, but try not to judge yourself for wanting to cut again; relapse is part of recovery, we just have to pat ourselves on the back for not cutting and try to move on.


Is there a city you can drive to? I also live in a rural area and although it's not ideal, I drive two hours to a major city for all my healthcare needs. It might not need to be an NYC size city; some college towns have excellent healthcare options, if, for example, they have a medical teaching program.

I wouldn't give up on help from the medical field in general, you might just have to give up on getting help in a way that isn't also unpleasant. I know that doesn't sound much better but I find it weirdly empowering. It's like saying to the medical community, fine ass holes, I need you for certain things so I'll get what I need from you but other than that you can all go screw yourselves. So when a doctor is a jerk to me I just think, "well, I got what I needed so feel free to be bitchy; I stopped listening after you gave me what I needed." By the way, that's kind of my philosophy on dealing with everyone. Sometimes people are jerks, but I find it empowering to know that their effect on me is often less than they want it to be, because I've already started ignoring them the moment they turned out to be jerks. Sorry, I got a little side-tracked there, but my point is, like many things in life, doctors can extremely helpful but often come with strings attached. I try to take the good, move on as fast as possible from the bad.

Your face is very girly. And by the way, the whole obsession over tiny, cutesy noses is pretty recent and American. Especially around the Mediterranean, more pronounced noses have always been in style. Don't let these silly Americans with their button noses convince you there's anything wrong with having a defined nose. That said, if you don't like your nose, I think making it a little smaller is a relatively simple surgery.

Okay, so here's my general advice, as someone a bit older with some overlapping psychological issues.

1. I've found psychiatrists to be much better at therapy than therapists, psychologists, social workers or anyone else without a medical degree. The requirements are much, much higher; the therapist you're seeing could have made an impulse decision two years into college because therapy seemed like an easy, lucrative career, studied for a few years and then is out there acting like a medical professional. At least with a psychiatrist you know they made a long term commitment. Of course, this doesn't mean they're not, for example, evil, but after many years and many, many medical professionals, my opinion is that your chances of finding someone good at talk therapy are better if you look at people who have an M.D.
   
   
2. Self harm behavior fades slowly and self esteem builds slowly. There was a large (like, two years or something) lag time between when I stopped the self harm behavior and when the idea (and often desire) for self harm stopped popping into my head. An anti-depressant helped a ton, living a generally healthier lifestyle (especially not fixating) also really helped, but once something becomes a significant part of your life, it doesn't go away quickly. The good news is, it totally does go away. Like, to the point where if and when self harm thoughts do jump into your head, it no longer seems appealing. Triggers don't trigger me anymore because there's not a part of my brain waiting to be triggered. As for self esteem, once we've taught ourselves something (like, "I suck at life,") it takes a while to reteach ourselves to something else (in this case, "I don't suck at life.") Every day you don't cut yourself brings you closer to the day you don't think about cutting yourself and over time that starts to feel really nice. Also, I always heard the slogan, "relapse is part of recovery." So it's okay that after six months of not cutting you want to do it again, that's still six months without cutting and that's huge progress! And every time you relapse or think about relapsing, it'll be less intense and easier to resist than the last time. A very helpful psychiatrist once told me that often my problem isn't my emotional reaction, it's my emotional reaction to my emotional reaction. You don't have to feel bad about wanting to sink back into old, harmful patterns. I try to gently remind myself I'm moving on, that's good but takes time.
   
   Wow, sorry about the unending flood of text. I really relate to what your going through so I hope you find something of value in there. If you're looking for more sources of support and wisdom that don't require a doctor, I've found existentialism and dialectical behavioral therapy to be very helpful.
   
   Here's a lecture on Sartre that's short but very deep:
   
   http://www.anselm.edu/homepage/dbanach/sartrelecture.htm
   
   And here's the dialectical behavioral therapy workbook my wonderful psychiatrist suggested to me.
   
   https://www.amazon.com/Dialectical-Behavior-Therapy-Skills-Workbook/dp/1572245131
   
   P.S. While DBT is specifically for people with Borderline Personality Disorder, it builds off of CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) which is great for everyone.

One book that may be helpful for answering your questions is Self Made Man. The author spent about 18 months living as a man, in some all-male spaces (the monastery seems cool, but I'm positive that if I went to one of those Iron John camps, I'd be murdered). In the end, she had a nervous breakdown. Along the way she learned totally positively that she is neither a transvestite nor transgender. If Norah (the author) ever comes to Denver, I'd like to buy her a drink.

Two previous links on this subject that I've saved are:

http://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/271fnm/changing_sides_in_a_sexist_world_share_your/
http://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/2797ax/ftms_how_jarring_is_the_switch_to_the_male_social/
I'm certain that there are others. But I think these anecdotes from people who have been both genders, and the jarring differences that they experience might be something you ought to read. Things like:

> I wouldn't call it the better gender, though things are much easier in a lot of respects. I was recently promoted to electronics at Target. My boss basically said, "you're a guy so you must know a lot about electronics". My female coworker, who obviously knows more about electronics, had to fight tooth and nail to get the same position. She and our boss still but heads occasionally because he treats her as if she is incompetent. I think that's it really. When you're a guy, for the most part you are assumed competent until proven otherwise. With women, the opposite happens. You have to prove yourself competent before you're offered anything.

Another good book that I think you might be interested in is Whipping Girl.

When I first started thinking about transitioning I read Felix Conrad's book: https://www.amazon.com/Autogynephilia-Everymans-autogynephilia-crossdreaming-transsexualism-ebook/dp/B00U2RWYT6

It's a hard book to read if you want to transition, because he is a presenting a program for dealing with transgender feelings if you decide transitioning isn't worth it. In my case, I decided all his reasons for not transitioning didn't apply to me:

• Sex - libido is less distracting and sex has gotten way more fun on hormones
  
• Money - I have enough to fund my transition without making any sacrifices to my quality of life
  
• Attractiveness - my trans women friends have no problems in this department, and transition has made me motivated to look great
  
• Self confidence - although I'm doing what I can to be gendered female, I am proud to be AMAB and don't mind being clocked / being visibly trans. I hope to inspire someone else to transition some day.
  
• Friends and Family - family is super supportive, my relationship with them has never been better. my partners are all queer and don't care about my gender. I live in SF, my friends are all super socially liberal and I enjoy talking about transition stuff with them.
  
  Note: the autogynephilia parts of the book are sketchy and were retracted by the author in https://www.amazon.com/Transgender-Fact-Fetish-Reality-Delusion-ebook/dp/B019NSUYZK. There's a lot more to the book than what the title implies.
  
  P.S. I have no connection to the author and these links are not referral links.

This site transchristians.org seems to list common Bible verses and methods of interpretting them to get around their common use as objections to trans people, the sites also got some general stuff on it from a quick flick through (biblical analysis - not my strong point) on various things linking Christianity and trans topics. Have a look through and make sure theres no disasters lurking on the site that will trip you up later.

Reading material may or may not be useful at the time, and may or may not be more useful later while they're digesting the information, or coming to terms with it.

If you want to explore the eunuch/trans angle more you could look into stuff like the Galli (theres more over here The Gallae: Transgender Priests of Ancient Greece, Rome and the Near East - By K. A. Lucker and in Kaldera's Hermaphrodeities) although if you and/or your parents are religious and Christian they may not really mesh well with that information or approach but it indicates that people have been managing to cope with the existence of religious trans people for a hell of a long time.

If you're concerned about rejection from them and are currently dependant on them for housing or finances it may be best to have a trusted friend on speed dial in case you need a sofa to crash on for the night. If you foresee this being a heavy duty and emotional event you may want to make sure you've got a friend on hand for afterwards who can give you a hug, something to eat and generally distract you with company.

Good luck with it, hope it goes smooth and they accept you :)

My experience with trans-related YA novels is rather limited (see below), but overall I would just like to see (eventual) acceptance. If it's a story about someone in (early) transition, I would like to see all the feels and doubts and hopes about everything, so that it can be cathartic for the trans reader and maybe invoke empathy from the cis reader. If it's a story about someone who is post-transition, then please make them successful at the end, because frankly we need more positive stories.

The only trans-related YA book I've read is "Being Emily" by Rachel Gold:

https://www.amazon.com/Being-Emily-Rachel-Gold/dp/1594932832

I loved this book, and not just because of the title. I've "known" that I was trans in one sense or another since just before puberty, but I didn't accept myself until I was 44 years old. However, even if I had accepted myself when I was in high school, there is no way I could have successfully transitioned in mid 1980s Memphis, TN. So reading this book allowed me to reclaim a small part of my adolescence, and provide some closure. And yes, I cried several times while reading it.

I started off transition with lactation as a goal. At that time, my partner and I were planning to have a baby; for a variety of reasons, that didn't work out. The first time I saw my GP about transitioning, I talked about my desire to at least try to achieve lactation. She was very supportive. So it's not something I've kept from my doctors, they know pretty much all my history.

I started transitioning January 2018. I went full-time in July, and ordered a pump in August of that year. So it was about eight months before I thought it was viable to try inducing. My experience has been .... interesting. I started developing the let-down reflex very quickly. I didn't make substantial progress in milk production, however, for quite some time after that. So, probably like 18 months before I started producing fluid more regularly.

The pump I bought is serviceable, but cheap-ish, and entry-level. I'm considering upgrading soon. However, as a first attempt, it is reliable, powerful, convenient, and discreet. I really like it, and would have no reticence to recommend it.

Pump: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07CZZN1VX

I also bought a TENS unit from the drugstore. That made a huuuuuge difference in milk production; the difference I have noted when I use the TENS unit along with pumping, versus pumping only, is remarkable. The TENS unit I use when I'm at work, or when I cannot pump.

TENS unit, something like this, but not this one exactly: https://www.amazon.com/Progoo-Stimulator-Combination-Reusable-Electrodes/dp/B07SLYGYRS

My goal now is to solidify my gains, and basically hold the course. I need to focus on achieving a regular, reliable pumping schedule, which I have struggle with this year. That is currently inhibiting me somewhat. Personally, I aim for three times a day, 30 minutes per session. That's a lot. Some people recommend up to four or six times a day to induce, which is more than I can budget my time for. Twice a day seems optimal for me, where I am right now, with the goals that I've personally set for myself.

>just washing with water every other day.

You really shouldn't be doing this. You can take a look at my recent pictures I've posted and see that I'm in a very similar hair situation to you. My hair is thick, wavy, and very frizzy, but I've gotten it to look so much better by starting to finally treat it properly with a good hair care routine. It's still not 100% where I want it to be, but that's because it takes time to repair all that damage and dryness.

Avoiding shampoo is a good start, but you should be conditioning your hair every day and using a deep conditioner and hair mask at least once a week, as well as using a leave in conditioner after you get out of the shower. Your hair is probably dry and damaged at this point, so I recommend the following products:

• OGX Bonding Plex Conditioner - https://www.ogxbeauty.com/shop/bonding-plex/conditioner-37/ - This is step 2 of a 3 step product line. I'd recommend getting all three, but you should only use the shampoo before you are going to do a deep condition or a hair mask.
  
• Redken All Soft Mega Moisturzing Mega Mask - https://www.redken.com/products/hair-care/all-soft/all-soft-mega-moisturizing-mega-mask - This is a hair mask that you should use only once or twice a week. The bottle says you can rinse it out after a few minutes, but my stylist specifically recommended leaving it in over night (which you'll obviously need a shower cap for)
  
• It's a 10 Haircare Potion Miracle Instant Repair Leave-In - https://www.amazon.com/Its-10-Haircare-Miracle-Instant/dp/B011U4BXRS - The OGX line I recommended includes a leave in conditioner as well, but I also recommend this one too. Just spray a bit of this into your hair every day after getting out of the shower while your hair is still damp (not dripping, just damp).

What do you want to use it for? People will probably cringe but I use one pretty regularly for private parts and it works really well. This is the one I use. I usually take the cap off for more flexibility and use it underwater and it doesn't hurt too much. I've never used another one but I'm really happy with this one. It's lasted me well over a year so far, rechargeable, and one of those things that I really couldn't have lived without.

> I really hope this doesn't come off as transphobic, but I just don't understand how you can "feel" like you're the wrong gender, because it doesn't really make sense to me to "feel" like a gender at all?

doesn't sound transphobic. it sounds exactly like i would expect a cis woman to feel. would it blow your mind to know that i don't know what it feels like to have sex and gender line up?

> I was born a woman, I identify as a woman, I present as a woman, etc.

wait, what? but i thought you didn't know what gender feels like? sounds like you do know what gender feels like. you just didn't realize it. and thats normal for cis people.

> Something that gets brought up with trying to get people to understand what being trans is like is "imagine if you woke up tomorrow as the opposite sex, wouldn't you be desperate to get back?" and my response is pretty indifferent. Like it'd be a logistical adjustment, but I think I'd be totally fine with it.

well, it doesn't work that way but it's really hard to give cis people an example. if you'd be fine with it, why not get a phalloplasty? start testosterone? schedule an appointment with an endocrinologist to discuss starting HRT? or a plastic surgeon to discuss getting surgery? see how it makes you feel? its one thing to just think that you'd be cool with it, that it'd be some "logistical adjustment" because it doesn't fundamentally work that way. its just a fantasy with no possibility of happening. but, cis gender people have been forced to take HRT in the past before with disastrous results. a prime example is alan turing. he was forced to take HRT and was driven to depression and eventually suicide (although there is some speculation about that).

another good example is a book called Self-Made Man: One Woman's Year Disguised as a Man by Norah Vincent. Norah just cross dressed for a year and impersonated a man, but had to quit when the stress of being a different gender nearly drove her to suicide.

the point being that transitioning is not something people are indifferent too. if you are trans, its to alleviate dysphoria and likely save your life. for cis gender people, transitioning causes a lot of distress.

> It just seems like gender is such a social construct, that what does "feeling" like one even mean? Liking pink, or wearing makeup, or having long hair, being attracted to men or any other female stereotypes aren't exclusive to women, and the same could be said for male stereotypes and men.

gender is not a social construct. it is very much a part of biology. brains are sexually dimorphic with a trans woman's brain being more similar to a cis woman's brain, and a trans man's brain more similar to a cis man's brains. with hrt, the brain is continually remodeled. it is suspected that the difference between the sexed body and the gendered brain is what causes dysphoria. someone will likely provide a nice copy-n-paste with links to research papers that help to establish this. as a corollary to this, is gender was socially constructed, then trans people could not exist.

i can tell you that hrt has positively affected my life in numerous ways. if gender was a social construct, this wouldn't happen.

A more relevant question might be "how young is too early to start?" The obvious reply is, "start what?" Are you implying starting hormone therapy?

If I understand correctly the current procedure is to use puberty-delaying drugs to delay puberty until at least 16 or 18. But I suppose that would depend on the patient and the specialists treating the patient and the laws and social rules in the region they live. You should probably talk to your parents about seeing a gender specialist. Taking hormones is a serious concern. And on the other side of the equation, the desire to reduce the effects of testosterone is also a serious concern. It is nice to get early treatment, but consider there are many people who are happy even though they actually started at much greater ages.

There is a lot of research in academic journals which is very persuasive if you can convince your parents to read it carefully. It is reasonable to ask them to try and understand the science of what appears to be troubling you. It will require some time and effort to understand this stuff, but the earlier you start informing yourself on the facts, the easier it will be for you to solve problems.

1. Short paper: The Gender Variant Phenomenon--A Developmental Review
   By Anne Vitale Ph.D. January 27, 2003
   
   
2. More in depth: Clinical implications of the organizational and activational effects of hormones
   Milton Diamond 2009
   
   
3. An excellent therapeutic guide: Transgender Emergence: Therapeutic Guidelines for Working With Gender-Variant People and Their Families
   

Copy-pasted from an older post:

> Rather than try to translate (heh) your male clothing sizes to female, I would take some actual measurements. When I started out, I found a cloth tape measure and measured my bust, underbust, waist (above belly button), and hips. For bonus points you can try to measure your shoulders, but I found that too difficult myself.

> Once you have your measurements, you should have everything you need to use an online size chart. Every clothing article is different, and paying attention to the chart rather than going by the simple size marker can save you a ton of hassle. For your first outfit, you’ll want to pick a size where each measurement meets or exceeds the measurements you took of yourself.

> You’ll also want to pick an outfit with some good elasticity. Trying to put on a dress for the first time sucks if it doesn’t have some stretch. Every time I try to wear a non-stretchy dress it feels like I’m about to discover the store’s “you break it you buy it” philosophy.

> For my first dress, I went with this. The bust measurement was smaller than mine, but I read the reviews and found that other girls got a good amount of stretch with this outfit. Ordered it, wore it, loved it.

No problem. At least we have Kirkland here just not near where I live in Kansas City.

This is the spray I've used in the past for waxing, looks like it's maybe 4% strength: https://www.amazon.com/GiGi-0725-Anesthetic-Numbing-Spray/dp/B0002274FK I'll have to find some of that 40% strength stuff, that sounds so much more effective.

Congrats! I'm excited to see if this will work for me. When in girl mode, I find myself unable to leave the house without a wig, so I look forward to getting my hair finally fixed. Four months don't seems like a very long time to wait for results. :)

Just a suggestion. Yes they are more geared towards crossdressing but they do wonders for tucking and they are comfortable. This might help till you are comfortable tucking. https://www.amazon.com/MaxTara-Panties-Crossdressing-Apparel-Shaping/dp/B073R8DC26/ref=sr_1_17_sspa?keywords=GAF+Panties&qid=1568128788&s=gateway&sr=8-17-spons&psc=1&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUEyOEVGVjlUV1VDUkYxJmVuY3J5cHRlZElkPUEwNjE0MTA5MlNDOTlYNFVNWDNZUCZlbmNyeXB0ZWRBZElkPUEwMjU5OTc1MlBYQ1c5WENNQVNXWSZ3aWRnZXROYW1lPXNwX210ZiZhY3Rpb249Y2xpY2tSZWRpcmVjdCZkb05vdExvZ0NsaWNrPXRydWU=#customerReviews

I'm not a doctor... so check with yours before dosing, but I can say that personally, I use one pump of this 2x daily.

Life-Flo-Progesta-Care

The sensitivity is normal. At least for me it is.
As for your self image concerns... welcome to being a woman :)

If you or anyone else needs more details... feel free to PM me.

Tl;dr: Your measurements confirm you have a C cup, but society has a messed up way of looking at boobs. Try this? Worked for me! (sincerely, a 38G)

The post: You may not look like a C cup, but don't forget that mainstream media skews how we see breasts, and the wrongness permeates everything, including us. I've seen many, many transwomen who can't find properly fitting bras b/c society says breasts have to look a certain way, and if they don't look like a ___ cup, then they assume the math is wrong, but we're talking about math. People lie. Perception and dysphoria lie. Numbers rarely do.

Think about it this way: breasts are about volume--X, Y, and Z. X is width (across your torso), Y is height (up and down your torso), and Z (projection, how far they stick out). Most people, including bra manufacturers, only see breasts in terms of Z, maybe a little X. But, a C cup is a C cup, whether they stick straight out from your chest or are spread out. It's like 8 ounces of water in a glass or a bowl--the same amount of liquid, different shape.

The trouble is, any woman with tall and/or wide breast roots (see r/ABraThatFits) is going to have issues finding a fitting bra because they'll have more X/Y and less Z. Transwomen in particular face this since we typically develop our upper bodies separately from our breasts, unless that woman started transitioning at like 14 or under.

Keep in mind, if you're muscular, you may have to do the 'classic' measurement system of adding 4/5 to your band size. Athletic people, who have less squish where the band sits, tend to have to size up the band since it'll dig in a bit more.

Odds are, you do have C cups, but bra makers just aren't making good garments for you. I wish I had some suggestions, but I can't really find anything either. I'm just here to offer support and body positivity. I did find this, and it makes me feel like Tifa from FF7, so absolute win, there!

If that is all the Spiro you will be taking make sure to take it at night. From what I've read Spiro only lasts a few hours and hormones do their most growth at night.

I strongly recommend adding an over the counter Progesterone Cream, it will help a lot. Progesterone is well known to prevent T conversion to DHT. I am trying different products, this one has little to no smell.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000FF9OLQ


Also there are other Pharma drugs available to specifically reduce DHT metabolism, without directly reacting with other hormones, are dutasteride (eg: Avodart) and finasteride (eg: Proscar, Propecia).

Osteoporosis can be harmful so make sure you are getting additional Vitamin D

A lot of far-right people tend to be religious, and basically 100% of far-right people are shitty people. So that...certainly tends to skew how people recognize the correlation.

It's worth acknowledging that a bunch of trans folks are religious, which is really affirming for me. I wouldn't say *I'm* religious, but it helps me believe that being trans is just a part of human identity, so of course trans folks can be religious, you know? Bearing that in mind, I appreciated this book, which is basically half written for cis people who want to understand where trans folks fit under Christianity, and half written for trans folks who are trying to find a way of looking at Christianity that isn't horrifying.

https://www.amazon.com/Transforming-Bible-Lives-Transgender-Christians-ebook/dp/B07C9FK1MZ

I have never trusted therapists, so my first step in recovery was to study DBT on my own. After I realized how helpful it is in making me feel better, I found a therapist who is knowledgeable about DBT and who I felt I could trust enough to work with. It takes time and you have to commit to the long term, to doing little lessons every day. A DBT workbook can be extremely helpful in this process.

http://www.amazon.com/Dialectical-Behavior-Therapy-Skills-Workbook/dp/1572245131

Although I prefer paper, there are also online resources. http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/

I used to buy into AGP, until I read this book by Felix Conrad. Tl;dr version: AGP is simply what dysphoria looks like in an AMAB attracted to women. Conrad lays the case out with relentless clarity.

A theory is only worthwhile if it a) makes testable, valid predictions, and b) does so more simply than competing theories. AGP makes valid predictions, which is why it seems plausible to someone like you or me. But there's a rival theory that also makes valid predictions without all the contortions: AGPs are simply female-attracted transwomen.

> I understand a frustration with rigid, societal gender roles.

OK, but please understand that that's not what gender identity is about.

Suppose we tell you, "We're going to transform your body to female, and that's how everybody is going to see and relate to you for the rest of your life. But don't worry! We're not saying you have to be feminine! You can be as masculine as a woman as you like! But you have to be a woman."

I don't think you'd be cool with that. Possibly a few people have a lot of built-in gender flexibility and could roll with that punch. A lot more people think they could handle it, but in reality probably could not - Nora Vincent thought she could, for example, and almost lost her mind, even though her change was only outward/social and not bodily.

Have you ever read this book? I did. You might find it interesting.

Tell her to do the work herself. She is a professional therapist, that's her job! I guarantee you aren't the first or last person she'll see with gender issues.

Books:
http://www.amazon.com/Transgender-Emergence-Therapeutic-Guidelines-Gender-Variant/dp/078902117X

http://www.amazon.com/Trans-Bodies-Selves-Transgender-Community/dp/0199325359

Well, Norah Vincent and Alan Turing provide some insight into things.

https://www.amazon.com/Self-Made-Man-Womans-Year-Disguised/dp/0143038702

Norah wasn't even living full time or taking HRT and she had a nervous breakdown as a result of the experience; her next book was about her experience as a mental patient when she was hospitalized...

Turing was forced to take HRT as a 'cure' for homosexuality and committed suicide.

It's all pretty circumstantial and there's not many data points, but you can probably just look at cis people's reactions to the idea of taking HRT and 'suffering' the effects of that to get an idea of how well it sits with people.

[edit: corrected spelling of Nora to Norah.]

Self-Made Man: One Woman's Year Disguised as a Man, by Norah Vincent. Amazon link.

Yeah, I had a couple female friends tell me that, too. :/

Being trans is difficult for others to understand. Hell, I'm trans and it took me over 30 years! :)

Self-Made Man has an interesting take on this. It's by a cis female journalist who pretended to be male for a year and ended up finding it far more disturbing than she'd thought.