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I am so very sorry that you are going through this. My husband did the same thing to me six months ago. It was very unexpected and I felt like my whole world was turned upside down (which I would have thought was impossible since it already had been completely altered by the PTSD). He had been my rock throughout it all, and now he is gone.

It sucks so bad to be in the place you are right now. I wish I could hug you through the internet. I am not going to lie to you and say that the pain will go away soon. It is still a raw wound for me. Even so, I still have found happy moments with other friends and family. I have laughed and appreciated beauty and challenged myself to grow in new directions. Despite all the pain, life is still an adventure.

I have learned that I am stronger than I ever realized. I always gave him so much credit for "getting me through." While I am very appreciative for the support he did give me for the past two years of my PTSD crisis, he isn't the one who actually made me survive. I got me through by working hard, committing to health, therapy, and healing from this trauma. I am willing to bet that if you look hard at your progress you can say the same thing. No one can make us get better, so if we are surviving, if we are still here, then it is our strength that allowed us to do so.

Two books that have helped me are listed below. One is for the PTSD, the other is for healing from a divorce. I hope they may provide you with some tools for this difficult time.

Please feel free to PM me if you want to talk. Best wishes for better days ahead.

1. [8 Keys to safe trauma recovery] (http://www.amazon.ca/Keys-To-Safe-Trauma-Recovery/dp/0393706052)
   
   
2. [Rebuilding when your relationship ends] (http://impactpublishers.com/product/43/Rebuilding.html)

Re-posting because I edited to add a few thoughts and links, and wanted to make sure you got the update. Here it is in full:

Do you use a weighted blanket? I don't have your condition but do have Generalized Anxiety & PTSD. I've always felt better when I had weight on me, kind of like an infant feels better swaddled. Do you ever use that therapy for SPD?

Another thing you may want to look into is EMDR Therapy. Here's a website: http://www.emdr.com I'm new to this concept myself but I've heard it's very useful for PTSD/Anxiety/Trauma.

Finally, here's another new therapy I'd never heard of that I think will be useful to me for working out issues of self-protection / fight or flight, etc. I don't know how this works into the brain of someone with Autism, but it seems to be a great therapy approach for coping with many things in life. It's called IFS - Internal Family Systems therapy. Basically the idea is you have many different sub-personalities inside you that help you to cope and live your life. Some of the sub-personalities are called "exiles" - those are the parts within your and your body that have stored trauma. Exiles are very vulnerable and sensitive, so other parts of our personality gathers around to protect it. Those protectors can be assertive protectors (i.e. they can block memories, or put it in perspective, etc) and others are self-soothing protectors (i.e. they encourage us to self soothe through drinking or doing drugs or isolating, etc.)

Here's a link to a great book on the subject of IFS - just began working through this book myself: https://www.amazon.com/Self-Therapy-Step-Step-Cutting-Edge-Psychotherapy-ebook/dp/B00452V8EG?ie=UTF8&psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=nav_timeline_asin

All sound worth looking into. I'm sorry you had to go through that trauma as a child. I'd like to add that I too have anxiety attacks where I don't trust myself out in public. My first one had in NYC, which was really scary. I had to ask my brother to help me walk across the street. Like you my proprioception (great word btw! had to look it up!) was out of whack, it was less that I thought I'd deliberately walk into the busy street, more like I couldn't trust where my body was in relation to things.

Sounds like you've done lots of work and gone really far in your process. I hope you find a solution to your anxiety attacks, and please post an update when you have one! Good luck to you!

I know it doesn’t feel this way to you right now, but what you lived through, all those traumatic memories you are reliving, you are not at fault. You shouldn’t have had to live through even a second of one of those events, it isn’t fair. Your young self didn’t know what was going on, and even if you had a sense it was wrong, you were a child. You should have been protected. Unfortunately, when repeated traumas happen in childhood, it can warp our self image and our needs, even as adults.

Be easy and loving on yourself, it sounds like over the years you have been able to get out of those bad situations, but they still haunt you. I read the book The Gift of Imperfections when I was struggling with guilt, shame, and self loathing, and this helped me to see that shame=/=guilt or fault.

I got to the point in my life where I recognized that I was letting people use me because I felt so broken I thought it would be a miracle if someone could manage to love me. I kept entering bad relationship after bad relationship. I didn’t value myself. So I went out and bought a simple ring. I wear this ring every day (unless circumstance dictates I cannot, don’t run into that often) as a reminder that I am worthy of my own love. This ring is still my reminder to this day that I am to put myself first and to love myself. I am worthy of self love and worthy of basic respect from others. It’s been on my finger for ~6 years now, it’s almost like a commitment ring from me, to me.

I hope you are able to heal quickly from your surgeries and physical injuries. Be kind to yourself as you are healing and recovering. Even if it feels untrue, know that you are not at fault for the traumas that you experienced. I hope you find peace within your heart ❤️

This might seem like a stretch, but what has helped me deal a bit more over the passed few days is...vitamin D3. I'm not a doctor nor do I play one on TV, but you might want to consider this small thing you can do to possibly make life a little more tolerable. Of course everyone is different and this may not work for you but being in the same situation, I was going to try anything.

I'm going to say it... I could've written most of your post, except I am female. I was also in this position and started scouring the internet for anything I could do to get out of that hell. I started talking to people too.

Most of the answers I got made me so fucking mad. Mostly because people will just blindly say, "Why don't you go on medication, just to get you over the hump?" As a person who has tailored their diet so that food is medicine for my body that is in chronic pain 24/7, adding more chemicals/toxins to the mix didn't seem to make sense to me. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure pharms help people, they've just never helped me. I've tried many, many different ones and they've only made things worse.

This is what helped me. I started taking this brand https://www.amazon.com/NOW-Foods-Vitamin-5000-120-Softgels/dp/B002EA99HE
2 in the morning (10,000IU a day). After the third day, I didn't wake up with the nauseousness I feel toward life. I get this because I hate my life and myself so much, I get nauseous anytime I am awake, thinking about almost all the things you had written in your post.

I know it may seem like a simple vitamin such as D3 wouldn't even touch this hell we live in, but it has for me. It is easy to overdose on vitamin D from what I've read, but D3 is another story. Here's an article on what the difference is between the two, how it helps your body as a whole and also the dosage to get your levels up. http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2012/02/23/oral-vitamin-d-mistake.aspx

On my third day of taking this, I was able to fucking laugh!!! I couldn't believe it. That hasn't happened in about a couple of years, genuinely. I woke up, not dreading what the world was going to be like and was able to function with more of a clear mind. Not that it made all worries and despair disappear, but I was able to even go out to a grocery store and not feel so debilitated at the mere thought of being hearded into lines at a store we HAD to go to in order to survive, buying food and feeling like a sheeple. I also have been able to be more active which causes me to be more tired at night, allowing for easier sleep. I usually get 2 hours a night. Passed couple of days, it's been 4-5 hours. It's only been a few days so I hope this is a growing trend. I have been dealing with insomnia on and off in my life, but my most recent stent is 5 years and counting.

I know this isn't much, but it may prove to be helpful for you and is not too expensive. You know, "Just to get you over that hump."

Take it easy man, message me if you need to vent more. I really hope this can be of some help to you.

Trigger Warning - References to forms of abuse in the summary of a book.

This is the single most important I book that I have read while in I have been recovery from PTSD, available at Amazon: The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships by Carnes Ph.D., Patrick.

"Exploitive relationships can create trauma bonds--chains that link a victim to someone who is dangerous to them. Divorce, employee relations, litigation of any type, incest and child abuse, family and marital systems, domestic violence, hostage negotiations, kidnapping, professional exploitation and religious abuse are all areas of trauma bonding. All these relationships share one thing: they are situations of incredible intensity or importance where there is an exploitation of trust or power.

In The Betrayal Bond Patrick Carnes presents an in-depth study of these relationships, why they form, who is most susceptible, and how they become so powerful. He shows how to recognize when traumatic bonding has occurred and gives a checklist for examining relationships. He then provides steps to safely extricate from these relationships.

This is a book you will turn to again and again for inspiration and insight, while professionals will find it an invaluable reference work"

My parents abused me in every way imaginable. This book was recommended to me while I was receiving inpatient care about 14 years ago. It was invaluable. I believe that you will be able to answer your question after reading it.

I came to forgive my parents but not to have a relationship with them. Mother is still alive. I want her to be better and have support but it will not be from me.

I commend you for your courage and compassion. I wish you the best of peace and joy in your life.

I would suggest starting slow, maybe even just with a sponge bath or baby wipes in your room. Then maybe try washing your hair and your face in the sink. After that, you could try moving on to a sink bath in a t-shirt and shorts, and go where you are comfortable from there.

If this is interfering with your life to the point it’s affecting your basic needs like hygiene, I am really not sure why they would tell you you’re not eligible for therapy. I would argue that’s grounds to put you at the top of the list. Therapy is to give you coping techniques and tools to make stuff like showering easier. In my (fairly extensive and repeated) experiences with intake workers, whatever they have on your file is not you, or your life. You know best what you need.

Would you be comfortable speaking to your family doctor (not necessarily in detail) about your anxiety/PTSD and asking for a referral? Sometimes doctors can help fast track you to support services. Would you be comfortable bringing someone with you to advocate for you and try to get in to see someone again?

If you’re having a very difficult time with access and cost is a factor, workbooks can be helpful. The wait list is only as long as it takes to get the book, you can go at your own pace, repeat steps, and when you do find a counsellor you can work through some of the exercises with them too. You can find them online or at bookstores like Indigo and Coles in the mental health section. This is the one I have, it’s focused on skill building, distress tolerance, emotional regulation, and self-acceptance. I also have this one that’s trauma specific. There are many, many others and I recommend that if you haven’t had a lot of experience worth different types of counselling that you should try going in person to find one that you like. These books are kind of like therapists themselves, there’s lots to choose from, some of them are exactly what you need, and some of them aren’t.

You’ve got this. You can heal, you can access the tools you need to feel better, you can move forward, and you don’t have to listen to some awful intake worker who doesn’t know you. You deserve the best that life has to offer.

First of all, thank you for your service. I'm sorry that you had to go through all of that.

Also, I am not an expert. I am married to a vet with combat ptsd. We've been through a lot.

Yes, your experience, including what you call delayed ptsd, sounds like those that others have described. You are not alone, and you're not wrong or weak, you're human and you saw the worst side of what humans do.

You sound very insightful and self-aware to realise that you are experiencing ptsd. That's good, because the sooner you realise it, the sooner you can get help.

It is really common to come back, manage for a while, and then, as time goes on, to have more problems dealing with the memories. In fact, one counselor said that every big news story about war and attacks brings in new clients. They get about one Vietnam vet a week, he said, because the tv news stories, etc., are triggers.

Like you, many come back, and after some life changes like marriage, kids, etc., they get exhausted coping with the ptsd stress, and it starts to boil over.

A couple of things got the ball rolling for my husband to get help. The Vet Center provides free counseling and other assistance to vets. It's confidential, they won't share your info with the VA unless you want. It's easy, call and set up an appointment. If possible, try a few different counselors until you find one that clicks.
And all they'll need is your DD-214 (they'll help you get a copy if you need). They can discuss your options and then you decide how you want to proceed.

THEN, this book, Recovering from the War, is amazing. Lots of personal accounts from vets, lots of good info on ptsd symptoms. Don't even try to read this book from cover to cover, it is intense and full of triggers. What's great about it for my husband and other vets he knows is that they could read that there are others like them. They're not crazy and they're not alone. There are personal accounts that sound very similar to yours.

The Vet Center can help you file a disability claim for ptsd, and any other service-related claims you may have. It can be grueling, but the disability benefits can cover additional therapy (you'll likely need a therapist, aside from the Vet Center counselors), and just take off some pressure so you can better cope.

Tl;dr: Take care of yourself. I hope you get the help you need so you can enjoy your new life.

Hypervigilance is rough. Do earplugs help you at all? I don't go anywhere without these earplugs. I keep them in their little bag on my keychain. Church on Sunday, street food, festivals, farmers markets, comic conventions, movie theaters - anywhere I know there will be noise and people, I wear them. Almost no exceptions.* They're not perfect, but they make a big difference for me.

*The only exceptions are times when I wear noise-canceling headphones instead. :) I've used these for several years, and they were a game-changer for me. Sometimes I wear them at the office just to cut out office chatter, since I work in a cubicle. I wear them at the gym, the library, in airports / train stations / etc. A lot of times, I don't even listen to anything - I just use the active noise-canceling to turn down the volume on everything around me. But listening to a good audio book or some happy music can help distract me if the noise around me is making me anxious. Best of luck finding a solution that helps you!

Ha, I'm the same with researching stuff as is my sister. I think it's one of the ways we dissociate. But let me be clear, that is really my only qualification on this topic.

The lack of emotion you are talking about having is very familiar to me. I don't think there is any one way to detach from emotions. I am familiar with the idea of people who can't feel anything. I'm also familiar with the other thing you are talking about where you are able to be happy despite being in the midst of severely traumatic events.

What probably happened was that you were helpless to do anything about the situations you were in with your mother. So you adapted by being unaffected by them. You may have developed this reflex to things going down with your mother of "this isn't happening." Obviously, you knew it was happening but you also didn't really experience it and that's how you protected yourself from it.

That was how you took care of yourself. It's not as though there were other, more palatable options.

I think you are absolutely right that people who talk about bottling up their emotions are doing it on purpose and that's really far from what happens with us. I think they mean that they feel the emotions, they know the emotions are there but they refuse to talk about them or give them any outlet. They try to ignore them. I think that's what bottling up means.

I have emotions in me that I don't know how old they are or what they are even about. I'm not bottling it up. It's buried inside me and I'm digging to get to it.

You may never know what the actual traumatic memories are or why Walgreens lights trigger you or if it even is Walgreens lights. It may be some other thing that happens alongside the lights.
There may have been a good deal of neglect in your childhood and that may have had a lot to do with you being disconnected from certain emotions and reactions. This video may interest you.

>Is there a way to figure out what these implicit memories are?

Not really. This is a big problem with developmental trauma, a lot of it probably happened when you were an age where you weren't creating many long term memories. Then, we are also capable of repressing memories. On top of that, the research points pretty strongly to it being the case that you can't actively recover repressed memories. Spontaneously recovered memories seem to be as reliable as continuous memories. Memories what were recovered in a clinical setting appear to be wildly unreliable. And we know its spectacularly easy to create pseudomemories.

But you have an arrow in your chest. It's probably of no value to calculate its initial trajectory. I don't think you need to do that to remove the arrow and close the wound. So, getting to that topic:

>Is there anything that can be done to access these emotions that seem to be so far bottled down they are completely inaccessible, but simultaneously guiding me every single day?

Yes Ma'am or Sir! That's the business. There are a lot of things you can do. I think that a huge key is body work. You talk about how your body is doing all the work. So you start there.

There is another amazing book called The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel Van derKolk. In it, he talks a lot about how yoga is a huge help. That's because it's whole deal is getting you to pay close attention to your body. As you said, your body is holding all this trauma for you. Here's a video of him talking about it.

There isn't truly a difference between mind and body. You don't have a body. You are a body. But that's being pedantic. You start with your body is all I'm saying.

There are therapies that are body focused. Somatic experiencing, there's this thing called trauma release exercises.

Anyway, there's another novel. Let me know if I missed a question or you want me to clarify something.

I was molested too. I have PTSD, OCD, and autism. Loud noises are the bane of my existence. When I'm startled, it takes me hours to weeks to recover.

Sometimes you need to go to a safe space where you know you won't be startled. Here's some things I've found work well:

www.simplynoise.com

I find brown noise works best. It's broad-spectrum constant noise to help you block everything out. Works great with headphones or desktop speakers.

https://www.amazon.com/ClearArmor-141001-Shooters-Protection-Folding-Padded/dp/B00NKSMPZW

These block out everything, including very sharp or low-frequency sound. Best thing is, you can wear them over foam earplugs. I've experimented and found that when I wear my earmuffs and earplugs together, they block up to 65dB of sound.

I think one of the worst things you can do is let yourself get angry at the source of the noise. As soon as you do that you're giving the brain circuits that are hurting you strength. Another thing that helps me is reminding myself: "The noise that hurts is okay to think about. I cannot hear it right now. My future self is capable of handling it if I hear it later. I will not lend it existence in this moment by worrying about it now. I am safe and I am strong."

Your anxiety comes with a physical feeling. For me it's a cold, gripping feeling in my chest. For you it may be somewhere different. When you feel that feeling, get somewhere safe from triggers, and then close your eyes, take a deep breath, force yourself to smile, and pay close attention to the feeling. Let your consciousness inhabit it. You will feel it shrink away. If it moves to another part of your body, follow it. Soon, it will dissipate.

I wish you luck and success in your journey. Please feel free to talk to me whenever you need.

Well, we sound very similar and my emotionally neglectful and abusive mother is the one who caused my cptsd. I’ve linked this a few times today, but it’s seriously so, so useful. If you like to read I'm going through Pete Walkers Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA because a lot of people have told me to give it a chance. The book covers so many different things I didn't know I needed to know. It's been insanely helpful. I bet it would help you a lot too.

Edit: and I just noticed your name. Love it!

If you haven't yet, I would read [Pete Walker's book on CPTSD](Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA https://www.amazon.com/dp/1492871842/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_QnfmybE3JCFT9). He also has a comprehensive website. He has many good suggestions for starting to reconnect.

I am also the freeze type and have battled many levels of dissociation. After two and a half years of therapy, I am finally coming out the other side. For me it just took work and time, but I do think it's possible. I feel much more connected now, even with occasional episodes of dissociation.

You have to go through the painful work of reconnecting, though, and I expect you know that on some level. Perhaps that is why you are having a hard time? I'm happy to talk to you more about this if you like. Feel free to PM.

Good luck to you!

https://crazywisefilm.com/ - This isnt about PTSD specifically but more broadly about mental health. Very powerful and informative watch, only a dollar rent until January.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6P_Gj6Z9_LM- Gabor Mate is a great person to look into. He has several talks and books that on trauma that have really helped things click for me.

madinamerica.com is a website that has a lot of great resources. It can seem "out there" but it offers unique lens to understand trauma and mental health.

Good books to look at is the body keeps the score by bessel van der kolk (I would start there), Tribe by Sebastian Junger and the Body Never Lies by Alice Miller

maps is running trails for veterans for PTSD so maybe take a look over there if youre a veteran?

Read up on it--there are lots of resources online, forums like this, or MyPTSD forums, and one good book that's good at explaining things from a standpoint of decades of combined psych and medical research is The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel Van der Kolk, MD. Good luck to you, remember that you are not alone.

You are not to blame. You are not the one at fault. You did what you needed to do in order to survive the experience(s).

I think shame, feeling dirty and guilty is a common experience for survivors. Those feelings can make it feel like you are being chewed up and spat out. There is a book by Brené Brown called "the Gifts of Imperfections" and it helped me to figure out why I felt a lot of shame, fear, and a sense of brokenness. It's a quick read, I highly recommend it.

It is all coming up because it sounds like your new diagnosis (PTSD) has been the first step in acknowledging what has happened to you. It will hurt, and I'm sorry you are feeling all this pain. It took me years, but I am finally starting to feel like my PTSD isn't ruling me or my life anymore. There is a light at the end of this tunnel.

Take is easy, take care of yourself, and remember to do some loving acts for yourself. You are not at fault.

It's hard to predict when PTSD will pop up, I have figured it is when I am under a certain amount of stress - through life or work.
I am currently reading this book: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1483982244&sr=8-1&keywords=ptsd

which has really helped me understand the complexities or things.
I really hope you find some peace somehow, good luck, pm me if you want anymore information xx

I just wanted to suggest EMDR from a trauma informed therapist. It is good for PTSD & childhood trauma. I was sexually abused for years as a child and I have not been able to do as much EMDR as I would like, but the sessions I had were helpful. Sorry for my poor linking skills and I wish you well...

http://www.emdr.com/what-is-emdr/

This is a good book that I have found helpful as well:
https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1521937930&sr=8-1&keywords=Cptsd

I'm doing workbooks currently.

I've done Resurrection After Rape by Matt Atkinson

Cognitive Processing Therapy (Veteran/Military Version) by Patricia Resick and others

Both of those are free online, and useful regardless of the trauma you have been through

And just purchased this one

I haven't got it yet so I can't comment on how good it is, but hopefully it is.

I hope this helps!

This book described flash backs like that in great depth. Highly recommended.

https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842

Organized support groups are incredibly helpful.

This is excellent: http://www.amazon.com/The-Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder-Sourcebook/dp/007161494X

Therapy from someone with a doctorate in Psychology who specializes in PTSD is best.

Start on one or all three of these things immediately.

You're not alone. Others have the same problems. Others have recovered. You can recover. It won't feel like it sometimes, but you can. You just have to keep fighting for it. Find someone who's been through it whom you can talk to in person over a burger or a beer. /r/ptsd isn't going anywhere, either.

If you'd like to say what town you're in, you might find someone here who'd be willing to meet sometime. ;)

30mg? that's so tiny. and 130$ is a lot for that amount. I'm in Cali.

https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B075DMDC3H/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o01_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

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\^ what i like and buy. note that 400mg is with 95% standardized curcuminoids, while normal turmeric has only 2-7% curcuminonids. unless it's in a super form of turmeric (where they process in the lab to make it more bioavailable, you got ripped off, me thinks)

I got this book and It helped me a lot. It gives a lot of advice and is interactive so you can write out and think through everything. you can write out in here and it is also a good tool with therapy, because you can choose what you want to share, if you want to share.

https://www.amazon.com/Dialectical-Behavior-Therapy-Skills-Workbook/dp/1572245131

Complex PTSD From Surviving to Thriving and The Body Keeps the Score are great places to start.

Have you read "The Body Keeps The Score"? It's about PTSD. I haven't even finished the book, but it's been extremely helpful to me. I feel like the author gives enough facts that you can share with nonbelievers that someone else might "get" it. The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma https://www.amazon.com/dp/0143127748/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_Y6oPzbS1S77H4

I know how you feel. That's how I felt when I decided to go to therapy and it changed my life and healed me of my constant panic attacks.

I strongly recommend seeing a therapist, and then adding on group therapy when you are ready as it does things even individual therapy cannot.

You can take control of your life back. Wishing you the absolute best.

Also, this book is amazing... BUY IT: http://www.amazon.com/The-Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder-Sourcebook/dp/007161494X

Pete Walker's book, Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving is a really good one.

Here is what I am using:

https://www.amazon.com/Brain-Forza-Organic-Mushroom-Capsules/dp/B00L1SNJGW

I have been using it for a month and I can definitely notice improvements. I just take one a day.

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Oh yes! I was sexually abused, beginning when I was 5. There are times when I revert to a much younger version of myself, during which (I've been told) my body language and sound of my voice are completely different. I just started working on this book with my therapist and have found it very illuminating. It's nice to discover that "oh that's an actual thing, and not just me being a crazy person!" :)

Here you are! I recommend the paperback version.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1623158249?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share

Just wanted to validate... I have CPTSD and it's hard... I've been w my husband for 8 years and I feel so bad because he has to deal with my baggage. Trust, I wish I wasn't like this and I always feel bad after conflicts. ☹️
Moving is a big deal. So try and be understanding of that- she was uprooted from wherever you were so that can stir up stuff...
The thing I have learned is we PERCEIVE things as threatening that aren't... So then the tendency to react in situations is overly intense...
"The body keeps the score" is a really good book as well.
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma https://www.amazon.com/dp/0143127748/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_VcVzCbAQY2FSN

Trauma informed therapy is SO important and EMDR is super helpful.

TL/DR Google grounding skills

This author is at the forefront of research on CPTSD, I've read plenty of his research though not this book:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Body-Keeps-Score-Healing/dp/0143127748/ref=pd_sim_14_4?ie=UTF8&dpID=41G819O2SVL&dpSrc=sims&preST=_AC_UL160_SR106%2C160_&refRID=020X024T287E1XK5A14T

I have several different forms of chronic pain and my also traumatised gf has fibro, so yeah. If you haven't read 'The Body Keeps the Score' by Bessel Van Der Kolk, I really really recommend it.

> I never really understood why I would want to hurt myself because im mentally hurting.

It's not the same for everyone, but when I was deep in a many, many years cycle of self-harm I found that what I felt was (to me) indescribable, all-encompassing, perpetual mental/emotional pain, and that, for some reason, transferring that into real tangible injuries that I could inflict, control, and watch heal gave me some way to deal with intangible horrors. Not a recommended approach haha, but the brain has strange ways of coping with extreme stressors. Sometimes it's these strange mechanisms that are the only thing keeping us from suicide, no matter how unhealthy they may be. For myself personally, as a female survivor of some seriously bad shit (please feel free to message me for details of if you wanna chat - sounds like we've had some similar experiences in life), I actually found that martial arts (muay thai, aikido, and kendo) have helped significantly. Practice helps me feel more in control of myself and my environment (and my head), and oddly I've found sparring to help a lot with my self-harm urges - no need to hurt myself when someone else is already beating the crap outta me (with appropriate gear and supervision!) lol! I've also recently started the book The Body Keeps the Score (https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0143127748/ref=tmm_fbs_pap_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1556857316&sr=8-2); I'm only about a quarter of the way through, but so far it's a fascinating exploration of how trauma affects both mind and body, and how the two manifest the affects of trauma together. The author is great at making the material very accessible and easy to understand. I truly hope the best for you; it's a bullshit, fucked up, rocky-ass path we're on, but it honestly helps to know we're not on it alone. Internet stranger hugs (if wanted; friendly wave if not lol)!!!

Wow, that sounds intense and very much like an emotional flashback. Check out CPTSD (complex PTSD). It's caused by long periods of great stress, particularly during childhood. I just recently picked up this book and it's been really helpful.

Edit: From the book -

Definition Of Complex PTSD

Cptsd is a more severe form of Post-traumatic stress disorder. It is delineated from this better known trauma syndrome by five of its most common and troublesome features: emotional flashbacks, toxic shame, self-abandonment, a vicious inner critic and social anxiety.

Emotional flashbacks are perhaps the most noticeable and characteristic feature of Cptsd. Survivors of traumatizing abandonment are extremely susceptibility to painful emotional flashbacks, which unlike ptsd do not typically have a visual component.

Emotional flashbacks are sudden and often prolonged regressions to the overwhelming feeling-states of being an abused/abandoned child. These feeling states can include overwhelming fear, shame, alienation, rage, grief and depression. They also include unnecessary triggering of our fight/flight instincts.

It is important to state here that emotional flashbacks, like most things in life, are not all-or-none. Flashbacks can range in intensity from subtle to horrific. They can also vary in duration ranging from moments to weeks on end where they devolve into what many therapists call a regression.

Finally, a more clinical and extensive definition of Cptsd can be found on p. 121 of Judith Herman’s seminal book, Trauma and Recovery.

An Example Of An Emotional Flashback

As I write this I recall the first emotional flashback I was ever able to identify, although I did not identify it until about ten years after it occurred. At the time of the event, I was living with my first serious partner. The honeymoon phase of our relationship came to a screeching halt when she unexpectedly started yelling at me for something I no longer recall.

What I do most vividly recall was how the yelling felt. It felt like a fierce hot wind. I felt like I was being blown away – like my insides were being blown out, as a flame on a candle is blown out.

Later, when I first heard about auras, I flashed back to this and felt like my aura had been completely stripped from me.

At the time itself, I also felt completely disoriented, unable to speak, respond or even think. I felt terrified, shaky and very little. Somehow, I finally managed to totter to the door and get out of the house where I eventually slowly pulled myself together.

As I said earlier, it took me ten years to figure out that this confusing and disturbing phenomenon was an intense emotional flashback. Some years later, I came to understand the nature of this type of regression. I realized it was a flashback to the hundreds of times my mother, in full homicidal visage, blasted me with her rage into terror, shame, dissociation and helplessness.

Emotional flashbacks are also accompanied by intense arousals of the fight/flight instinct, along with hyperarousal of the sympathetic nervous system, the half of the nervous system that controls arousal and activation. When fear is the dominant emotion in a flashback the person feels extremely anxious, panicky or even suicidal. When despair predominates, a sense of profound numbness, paralysis and desperation to hide may occur.

A sense of feeling small, young, fragile, powerless and helpless is also commonly experienced in an emotional flashback, and all symptoms are typically overlaid with humiliating and crushing toxic shame.