(Part 3) Best products from r/socialskills

Between 14 and 25 I felt exactly this way. At 25 I started combating this state of mind after my motivation dropped dead for 5 months because of depression. It took me 3 years to improve and I'm still working at it. I'm not a natural leader or an extrovert, so I trained myself to become one. I'll try to describe as briefly as possible the methods I used.


Introspect and understand the forces that shaped your mind
Your personality is the accumulation of all of the events in your life. Start listing on paper all the major bad and good events from your whole life. Then start analyzing, find your own explanations on how these events affected your mind and personality. Try to go deep and search the root cause of each event and the habits that you developed afterwards. This took me months of self-examination and countless interpretations of the events. In time the best explanations will keep recurring. Don't forget to also examine your present actions and the reasons behind them. You will notice the same patterns that keep recurring. This will help you to pin point what are you fighting against and be constantly aware of them. Spend at least 2 hours a week on this task.


Study scientific literature that explains how the mind works
Take some time to improve your know-how about the inner workings of the mind and body. I am an avid documentary watcher. This is ok to get started but to really understand how the mind works you need more. I recall how many things clicked after reading Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps: How We're Different and What to Do About It. Afterwards I had an exceptional great time binge watching this course from Stanford University: Introduction to Human Behavioral Biology, professor Robert Sapolsky. Fantastic lessons and also a lot more things clicked. Feel free to search your own materials to study.


--> Pro tip: Don't fool yourself by chasing astrology, faith BS, the secret, good energies and yada yada. Stay on the clear path. The scientific method has took the beating over the centuries and has constantly survived and thrived by exposing itself to investigation.


Develop a succinct list of the top factors that shaped you, use mnemonics
The purpose of repeatedly writing your thoughts is twofold: first you find out how you got the bad habits and what to do about them, secondly you laser etch in your memory the top most important steps you want to exercise daily in order to improve. My mnemonic is PE-WF which expands to: Personality - Experiences / Work - Fun. What that means? For me, it means that my personality creates/triggers the events that I experience and the experiences that I encounter in return shape my personality. Good experiences shape good habits and vice versa. I see these two as an uninterrupted cycle that feeds itself. There's a saying "Garbage in, garbage out". You get the point. Work-Fun cycle is also important because the feeling that I hadn't had enough fun, makes me work really bad. I'm unfocused, constantly day dreaming and procrastinating. And worse, when I'm supposed to have fun, such as at a party, I cannot enjoy myself because my mind is constantly annoying me with thoughts about the work that I haven't done on time, the money that I don't have, and so and so. Main take-away: be aware of these cycles, don't live on autopilot, take initiative and do something to improve these life cycles.


Start unlearning the bad habits, get going on good habits and thought patterns
By studying about biology, neurology, psychology, evolution, civilization history, economics I got a few jems stuck in my mind.

• Humans have evolved to be social creatures, and by developing language they got the edge in the evolution/survival game. All the elements from the habitat of the ancient human have shaped the modern humans in some distinct ways. By joining in tribes humans were able to share resources and also specialize on certain tasks. Those more willing to take risks, explore and learn new things we're naturally rewarded with resources and success and also became leaders. Good Leaders are a powerful asset for a tribe/community and can mean the difference between starvation and excellent life conditions.
  
• Evolution just cares about the survival of the genes and will do anything for this. In some scenarios it is advantageous to collaborate in harmony, but in other scenarios, predatory behavior and exploitation tend to be just fine. This means there is no actual intrinsic need for a perfect utopia. Survival is enough, and this by itself can bring tons of misery in the world.
  
• Humans need to feel important, it's hardwired in the DNA. You need it, period. Ancient humans, got plenty of food and reproduction opportunities by becoming important in the community. The question is how? What are your expectations. What is enough for you? You want a decent life, or you want to be a exceptional person and go in history? Find what suits you and remember to cater to this need. Pro tip: You don't need to be a jerk while you are at it. Read Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap...And Others Don't. This can also turn ugly, people become narcissistic, self-interested and toxic in society. Narcissism breads narcissism.
  
• Long Term Potentiation. In lay man terms: the more you excite a neuron the more it is prone to receive the signal and also it reacts with more powerful signals and more often. In practice this means, the more you think of yourself as being pathetic the more you believe and act like this. Also the reverse is true: the more you think you are powerful, the more you act like that and this in turn reinforces the belief itself.
  There are many more gems to learn but I will leave this to you! These are the tools that help you inspect and debug your behavior. Do this as often as possible.
  
  
  <!>PITFALS<!>
  
  
• Giving up to early. Diets take time, studying takes time, body building takes time... well you see where I'm going with this. Take your time and don't give up early!
  
• Caring too much of the way you are perceived. This blocks your ability to distinguish yourself and become interesting. You inhibit any action because you fear the critics, and you become boring and invisible. Remember: fear of rejection is hardwired in DNA. Ancient man who were cast out of tribes suffered a lot even facing certain death. Modern society has tons of safety nets. If you fail with some friends, you are able at anytime to find new and better friends. Be strong, and accept rejection, this will make you more happy on the long run. Don’t trade compromises that leave you frustrated for social confort.
  
• Chasing fame. Fame is toxic venom. Just don't let it alter your brain. Chase what makes you happy. Fame is a trap. Fame is a dead end. Good life experiences, wonderful friends, healthy diet and exercise, these are the things you need. Not fame.
  
• Vices of all sorts: TV, Gaming, Betting, Drugs, etc. Nothing good comes out of addiction. Here's a nice and short video about the mechanics of Addiction. Addiction is all about compensating for lack of good social life.
  
• Don’t confuse love with power Be strong, self sufficient and love somebody just because you love them, not because you feel weak and you need comfort. Don’t chase somebody just for the feeling of empowerment and social status.
  
  
  TIPS & TRICKS
  
  
• Meditate/Introspect weekly You know the benefits. Just don't get lazy! The more you accept yourself the faster you will progress.
  
• Become good at your hobbies Excellence in hobbies can boost your self esteem a lot. Why not have fun and also improve your mindset at the same time?
  
• Running, diet and good sleep I cannot overstate the benefits of running and dieting. I recently started a serious training plan, and the benefits manifested almost instantly. Good physical shape builds self-esteem. You get complimented. You train your motivation. You get healthy, fast!
  
• Find social groups that gather around a certain activity For me is running. I don't feel awkward being there. I can make lots of friends fast. I can feel good sharing stories of things I like and I can praise other for their achievements.
  
• Learn to understand people and support them Knowing how your mind works means knowing how anybody's mind works. This enables you to be a supportive and a patient friend for others. This will improve your social life a lot. Read How to Win Friends & Influence People, by Dale Carnagie
  
• Information gathering I find Reddit and outstanding source of information that allows me to stay up to date in the shortest time possible. No clickbait, no wasted time. Thank you Reddit! Also YouTube has some great channels. I recommend Stefan Molyneux as good source to get started on politics, geopolitics, social issues, philosophy, etc. Great commentary and explanations on his channel. Also other channels are available that cover topics from different angles.
  
  TLDR: Understand how your past experiences shaped your personality. Find what triggers your bad habits. Learn how the mind functions (the science behind biology, neurology, psychology, evolution) and use these as your tools to improve your mindset. Exercise daily your mindset and try to review your actions, find better ways to react and apply these findings in the present. Find wonderful people trough hobbies. Enjoy life!
  

Lemme put the TL;DR at the top. You need to start training with weights. Specifically heavy compound barbell movements: squats, deadlifts, overhead press, and bench press.

Longer version:

You have described several problems:

1. Loneliness
   
2. Self-esteem issues
   
3. The need to see tangible results
   
4. Your lack of self-discipline
   
   Lifting weights addresses all of these issues and a bunch more. But I'm not recommending you go in there and hire a trainer (too expensive) or just pick a routine off of bodybuilding.com (you're not going to stick to it).
   
   Instead I want to introduce you to a concept called training. Of course you've heard the term before, but do you know what it means? Most people exercise when they go to the gym. Chances are, when you think of working out, you think of exercising. Exercising is essentially punching a clock on physical fitness. It's also, in my opinion, a waste of time (unless it's just something you like to do). What do you get from it? Hot, sweaty, out of breath, and you feel like you worked out hard. What you likely didn't do was get stronger.
   
   To get stronger, you have to train. Training is essentially sticking to a plan that will get you to your goals. All I'm asking for is three times a week doing 3 exercises for 3 sets of 5 reps a piece. That's it. No running. No abs work. Hell, you don't even have to stretch. (Or if you enjoy those things, do any or all of them.) But if you can learn to do 4 lifts - squats, bench press, overhead press, and deadlift - you can gain several hundred pounds on your lifts in a few months.
   
   Yes. You. It works for everybody who does it. And there are people in their 80s on this program deadlifting 315 lbs. This is a program that literally anybody can do. With that being said, you'll want to study up on good form.
   
   The program you want is called Starting Strength. There's a book. There's a website. There's an app. There's a YouTube channel. And there's a subreddit, with an active Starting Strength Coach as one of the moderators. And there's a guy at the top of it all, Mark Rippetoe, to guide you through the whole deal.
   
   As you can tell from the title, this is for beginners. If you have less than a year in the gym, that means you. "Beginner" refers to your potential for gains, not how long you've been doing it.
   
   Speaking of, the thing you're going to love is what's known as "noobie gains". Literally every time you go to the gym you're stronger. You can progress 5 lbs. per visit per lift for months before your noobie gains give out. That means if you start with the bar (45 lbs.), which is as good a place to start as anywhere, 8 weeks later you'll be lifting 165 lbs. Four weeks after that you'll be lifting 225 lbs. That's 2-45 lb. plates on each side. And you'll continue to go up from there. For squats and your deadlift, this is practically guaranteed.
   
   It's hard to feel like crap about yourself when you can't stop getting stronger. I swear, it will feel like magic.
   
   I could talk about the program all day, but I'll just say one more thing about it and that's to give you the program. There's a A day and a B day. You alternate days. So week one is A-B-A. Week two is B-A-B and so on.
   
   A Day - Squats (3x5), Overhead Press (3x5), Deadlift (1x5)
   
   B Day - Squats (3x5), Bench Press (3x5), Deadlift (1x5)
   
   The first few weeks you're in there will be so quick you'll be in and out in 30 minutes. But as it gets heavier, you'll take your time more. Starting light (bar weight for everything except deadlifts... 95 lbs for deads) gives your body plenty of time to get used to doing the movements and will slowly strengthen everything in your body so you don't feel like you're dying from the start.
   
   Besides getting strong, you'll make friends. Contrary to what you may think, the world's best thing to see in a gym (besides fitness chicks) is a new guy with a plan. We only hate that guy if he proves to be an idiot. Just re-rack your weights and be cool and everything will go great for you.
   
   If you need a spot for the bench, ask for one. You'll get asked to spot eventually. It's just good gym etiquette to do it for other guys in there. It's an easy way to make friends.
   
   And if you're thinking, "who would want to be friends with me?", that question is kind of irrelevant if I just need you to spot the weights and tell me that I crushed it when I get finished. Which is all you need to do to make friends at the gym.
   
   If you set a regular time to go, other people are doing the same thing. Show up 12 times in a row (4 weeks worth) and see if you don't start making a few friends. You'll impress people with your work ethic. You're doing the big boy lifts, so others are going to watch your form and so on. It's not a big deal. And if you really work on your form, hand to God, within 3 months you'll have a bro lifter who can bench more than you squat explain to you why they can't squat right. Knees, or back, or something other silly nonsense. That just means they're impressed with what you're doing.
   
   Anyway, I've already written a wall of text. But trust me. You need compound barbell movements in your life. They'll do more for you in two weeks than literally anything else you could do.
   
   From there, that will make you care about your diet (are you getting enough protein?), and your sleep. That fixes more issues and before you know it, you're feeling like the man.
   
   The weights won't lie to you. When you put that second plate on and squat it, or the third plate on and deadlift it, that's something you can either do, or you can't. The fact that you will prove to yourself every time you're in the gym that you can? Well, that's empowering as a motherfucker.
   
   I mean, you can get lucky and make a lot of money. But you can't get lucky and lift a lot of weight. There's only one way that happens. You work for it and you achieve it. Once you conquer your body, it proves to yourself that you can do whatever the fuck you wanna do.
   
   If you have more questions, post them or message me. I'm happy to talk more to you about it.
   
   Now, let Mark Rippetoe teach you how to squat.

i am not going to give you a diagnosis because i am in no way qualified to tell you what is up.

but if you feel unconfident, then i guess you should work on that. maybe the problem is your worthiness, it sounds cheesy as shit, but if you believe you aren't worthy to be around women, well you will act as if you are not, and women will see that, and boom! fucking self fulfilling prophecy.


anyway, what worked for me, to gain more self esteem and confidence is a book called the road less traveled i can't recommend this book enough!

it truly is a wonderful book, i felt like it was talking to me when i read it, i felt relief to be honest, i felt like shit for not realizing it early that, shit takes time to accomplish, but bit by bit you will have to work at it you'lll get there.


there is a segment in the book which is really empowering, that talks about ownership of problems,

now this may sound fucking obvious to some people, like "duh if you want to solve a problem you have, nobody is going to do it for you, its your problem!" its so logical right?

but when you don't feel worthy of having that weight in your shourlders, that you have power to change what you are, where you are, and where you want to be, that is PERSONAL POWER man!

the book makes you see that.

hey you were poorly diciplined as a child? well its ok, understand your parents they fuck up too, but it shouldn't burden your whole existance.



thing is that BY Taking responsibility for your problems you are doing two important things in self esteem.

1-stop seeking validation from others- aka if you have a goal and are solving it well people are always going to discourage you, you try to lose weight? well guess what some people will see that change and will try to get you back at being a fat person. but you taking charge of your situation is what counts!


2- investment of time in you- if you have a problem and take time to do shit, say read a book, or like in this case asking help on the webs, well you are taking charge towards driving yourself to be better. congrats, investment in self is important, because you wouldn't invest in something that isn't valuable, when you hold your opinion of yourself to be in a higher regard, WITHOUT BEING DELUDED!, its so empowering, because inside you know you are cool, you are special, you know you can have fun and enjoy people's company, even if you don't have the "record" to show it. but who ever does at the begining!?

this is important in regard to rejection, because say you approached that cute girl you find attractive, but say she flips out, (unlikely to happen unless you are RUDE!) but say she flips out and calls you a fatfuck, unatractive and a wimp.

well with this new concept, of self investment, you can quickly dimiss toxicity, you know that even if what she said was true, say you are in real life a fat person, there is no real reson to be a dick, plus, its only her opinion, an opinion of a stranger, but now since you are no longer validated by strangers, you are independent of both positive and negative critisism (obviouly you want constructive critizism but not shallow critism)

what i am trying to say is you will have more self esteem if you were validated on your standards over people's standards, because if you wait on peole well because simple you are the one that knows what you've been trhough over a stranger who only judges a segment of your life! see what im saying?

i really love the segment on problem ownership, you own your problems, no one will tell you or even help you, but as long as you have that responsibility and accountability of problems you are empowered to change.

haveing that drive to not feel like a victim and blame other people for your shortcommings is so great! it feels good bing in control over feeling powerless and dependent on other people.

maybe i am not explaining it correctly which is why i recommend you read this book so you get the 1st hand experience and take out what applies to you and what not applies to you.



i really love this book and if people want to be more confident, this book has very good bits that will help you, maybe even after reading the book you'd probably feel better. just one thing i recommend is that you recommend this book to other people if they need help just like i've "helped" you by maybe reading that book.

its all really up to you if you want to order that book, and invest time in yourself by reading it.

Reading is great. Yes, you do have to get out there to learn social skills, like some are saying here. However, you can also learn a lot from other people's experience, which is what a book is. Use books to supplement what you are learning from your actions. Some good ones:

• HTWF&IP, like everyone else mentioned. A classic for a reason. Not everyone will love it, but you need to find out for yourself if it suits you.
  
  
• Choice Theory by William Glasser also really opened my eyes, in terms of managing relationships. It really showed me how trying to change other people is really at the root of most relationship problems, especially romantic ones. It also helped me realize just how much we control our own minds, and how we can change more about ourselves than we normally think.
  
  
• The Game by Neil Strauss introduced me to the "seduction community". I had no idea social skills could be studied in such a methodical fashion. And despite the negative reputation, there is a lot of wisdom to be found in those circles, that can even help you in a relationship or in other aspects of your life.
  
  
• Various books on salesmanship, which is social skills put to a direct professional use. Nothing especially great jumps out in my mind, but a lot of these books are pretty short. Go to a used book store and pick up a few.
  
  
• One Phone Call Away by Jeffrey Meshel. It is about professional networking, but this applies to personal "networking" as well. What I learned most, is that networking is really about looking for opportunities to put two people you know together for their mutual benefit. In other words, to be a good networker, you need to go network to help out people you know. By doing that, your own network expands, and people are more likely to help you in return. Karma basically. This also helps in your personal life. Its like the old-timey tradition of hosting a dinner party and then introducing two friends of yours who don't know each other but you know will get along well.
  
  
• Various books on pop psychology. Understanding how people think (including yourself) can help you socially. I think this is especially important for relationships / friends / family, and it can also help you protect yourself emotionally from the wrong kind of people.
  
  
• Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. A lot of the problems people have on this reddit are really "emotional" ones. If you know you have to talk to girls to get a GF, and you want a GF, then why wouldn't you talk to girls? Your logic is sound, but your emotions (fear, low self-esteem, etc) are what prevent you from acting. Understand your emotions and they will be your second brain, making you twice as smart. Fail to understand them and you are a slave to them.
  
  Social skills is a really broad category and really involves a lifetime of study. What could be more rewarding than having quality relationships with family, friends, significant others, etc? Its worth putting the effort into continuous self improvement here.

Damn dude.. I'm going to go through your list item by item, but before even considering my (a random person on the internet) opinion, you really should ask yourself what do you like to do? Don't try to force yourself into a hobby you don't truly care for. That said, here goes:

-Improving your multifaceted musical talents: Go for it! It's something you must like to do being a Pianolinibassitarmonicalelecalist.

-Learning to cook: Fuck yes! This is a great skill for men and women to have! Allrecipes.com is a great free resource for beginners. Just start making stuff!

-Learning to mix cocktails: Again, a good skill to have. I recommend The Bartender's Black Book on Amazon, or getting a drink App for your phone. (Also, make damn sure your know how to pour a beer into a glass/mug properly -hint: tip the glass about 45 degrees.)

-Learning Spanish and German: The languages are similar in structure (I've studied both), but don't expect either to be easy. Honestly I'd hold off on this one given the title of your post OP.

-Reading 2 books per months: Cool! Make them cookbooks! (Or drink, or movie, or videogame books) Don't let yourself get overwhelmed with new habits.

-Card games: Try Cribbage. Also, try Chess. You're obviously intelligent OP. I think you'd excel at either of these, but more importantly, If you can find someone to play with, you'll start meeting new players quicker than you might think.

-Watching as many tv shows as possible: I think this will conflict with your other goals. I use Hulu and Netflix so I can watch just the shows I like on my schedule.

-Briefly playing new video games: No real point that I can see. Any real gamer will see right through you.

-Catching up on movies you missed out on: Nothing wrong with this unless it's solely to talk about the movies. Check out Pan's Labyrinth. It's from Spain, so - Spanish.

I gotta stop typing - broken wrist.

For the rest: Read whatever you like, do whatever you like, just make sure you're doing it for you, and nobody else. People notice that shit. Charity work is cool, and it looks good on a resume. Last but not least, as far as new music goes, just make LOTS of different Pandora stations, and select shuffle.

Drops mic.

Take a look at the other comment I posted. It covers what some people might be feeling, but there could be other reasons for their behavior.

Maybe it's because of the circumstances in which you're talking to people. It could be your entire city or country. Maybe you're at a place where people don't like to talk or meet others. Maybe there's something distressing that they can't stop thinking about. Even the most charismatic person wouldn't be able to reach most people in those situations. So even if you think that nobody wants to hear what you have to say, there are lots of times where people don't want to hear what anybody has to say.

Maybe instead it has something to do with you. Maybe the things you tend to bring up simply don't interest other people. Or maybe people look at you, and without you even saying a word they already decide that they don't want to get to know you. What could you do to improve how you look or make yourself more interesting? I know that's stupid and shallow, but many studies have shown a stupid amount of benefits of being attractive and beautiful. Hot girls don't always talk about interesting things, but unfortunately they aren't hard pressed to find an audience regardless of that.

I know this all probably sucks to read, but it's great that you're working to grow and improve. And it should be noted that if you keep striving to talk to more people, you will surely find people who will gladly listen to what you have to say. Maybe a few of those listeners will turn into friends. But don't get down on yourself if they don't, most of them won't no matter how interested they are in what you have to say.

I'll end this with a couple suggestions. The first suggestion, as you might gather from the last paragraph, is that you should search for more people to talk to. Like I said in my previous post, this is an unhealthy type of relationship for you. I recommend that you meet more people. I read a book called Talk to Strangers: How Everyday, Random Encounters Can Expand Your Business, Career, Income, and Life, and while it's not a great book, there are a few gems in it. My biggest takeaway from it is that in order to confidently meet people you must believe in four assumptions:

1. The world is a friendly place
   
2. Everyone can be met
   
3. Almost everyone you meet can enhance your life in some way
   
4. You can enhance the life of everyone you meet
   I've found that believing in these assumptions really does motivate me to talk to strangers. The more you experiment with it, the better you get at it. Plus it will expose you to types of people that you might not otherwise interact with, which is beneficial in a lot of ways.
   
   I know this second suggestion will seem illogical considering the title of the post, but I can't recommend Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone enough. I fully credit it for every time I've met someone who seems to enjoy my company. In this post I've listed off a bunch of things that you might be doing wrong, but this book will explain to you how to do things right. It's made a huge difference in my interactions with people, and a lot of people I meet now think I'm charismatic. I fully credit that to this book. Now that I think about it, I'm going to start re-reading it tonight.
   
   Hope that helps.

Okay.

I work in Corporate Sales. I am telling you at the end of the day people want to do business with people they like.

Everything you are doing should be to the benefit of the potential buyers. People often get confused with "Features" compared to benefits and this is why alot of the time a product fails. For example, think of buying a new washer/dryer. Let's say it has "Smart-Noise" Technology that reduces the amount of noise the machine makes when it is turned on. You wouldn't advertise it like this, no one cares about that. But how you would get the point across is to relate on their level. So the way you can spin it would be that someone can do late night laundry without waking up their kids. You could even center a commercial around this.

In your regard you can mention how they can be assured knowing their food is from a quality market and that it's healthier compared to the corporate, flash freezed alternatives. Knowing their sending their kids off with lunch that came from a quality source. Not only that but buying your food will save them time (benefit) than at home preparing it themselves.

Also mention to your potential buyers to not hesitate to reach out to you for questions. If they are concerned about what you use when growing, your safety practices etc. you are always within reach and happy to give them more info. This puts the client at ease knowing your genuinely there to help.

Here are some good books you should read.

The little red book on selling - This basically goes into the relationship management side of things and networking portion. Alot of good tips in here and well worth a read.

Also this is another amazing book despite the very sleazy sounding title.


How to win friends and influence people - This goes into how you should carry yourself and will certainly help with your people skills. It talks about subtle cues etc. that can be used when speaking to people and is hands down one of the best books to read on this subject.

At the end of the day you need to be genuine with people and as long as it comes off like that and people understand this they will have no problem doing business with you.

Hmmm... this is a tough one to answer. I consider myself to be one who oozes confidence, so I feel like I have the authority to answer.

First, body language is a good, simple one to fix. Always walk with shoulders back and chin up. Also, from this TED talk, I learned that you look/feel more confident when you spread yourself out while seated. This TED talk has truly left a lifelong impact on me.

As far as talking goes, always be learning and always be passionate about what you're learning. I guess that's the biggest part. When I speak, I'm very enthusiastic about what I'm talking about, and I try to tailor my conversation topic to link it somehow to what the other person is interested in or has been doing lately. And -- very important -- I make sure to keep my enthusiastic rants short and to the point, always being aware of how long I've been talking. This is all a lot easier when what your learning can be related to a lot of things, or, conversely, if you're learning about a variety of different things.

You also really need to build confidence, which I think is actually easier than it sounds. If you want confidence, you need to build self-esteem. To build self-esteem, set goals and achieve them. And these don't need to be huge, difficult goals, either. For the past few years, as a college student, I've switched majors three times, so I've never been able to really pick something to obsess over and accomplish. But I have been exploring my interests, and during this exploration I've accomplished a lot of small tasks that have made me a more learned person. Even little things: over the past few months, I've gotten really into comic books, and last night I got hooked on a couple of new series (Afterlife with Archie and Trillium if you're interested). I've been reading books and watching lectures outside of school and taking notes on them. Right now I'm taking notes on Understanding Comics: The Invisible Art. None of these "accomplishments" will get me any awards, but they make me a more cultured and more interesting person. And I enjoy the experience.

Make sure you're exercising. If I go a couple days without exercising, I physically feel like crap, and my self-esteem takes a dip. Make sure you're exercising, and make sure you set goals for yourself so you can build confidence as you achieve them. I've been weightlifting since the 8th grade, and just last week I was approached at the gym by someone who wanted to recruit me onto the school's rugby club. It's little things that slowly pile up to make you confident.

Lastly -- and this is more along the lines of your question -- teach yourself to be aware of other peoples' social cues. You can only really learn this through experience and/or by deliberately paying attention, but it's something that's INCREDIBLY important. If you notice that the person is "zoning out" while you're talking or that they're barely acknowledging you while you speak, stop talking to them and ask them a question. Most people enjoy talking about themselves, so it's a good thing for people to associate their joy of talking about themselves with the time they spend with you. This doesn't make you a 'beta' male or an interrogator, so long as you make room for yourself to contribute to the conversation.

And don't be a dick. Everyone hates assholes. Golden Rule and whatnot.

People get different skills organically from their upbringing...some families have great money management skills, other grow up knowing how to fix cars. It may just be that your childhood environment didn't have the skills and practices associated with humor, so it's something that if you want to change, you'll have to be deliberate about it.

Humor and comedy (which are different things) is a deep and interesting subject. My favorite non-funny book on being funny is [https://www.amazon.com/How-Be-Funny-Discovering-Comic/dp/0879757922](How to Be Funny) by Steve Allen. A lot of the humor he describes is kind of old-fashioned now, but he gives a great breakdown of what exactly humor is, which is something that people ordinarily understand only intuitively.

Make a study of comedy. Watch a bunch of comedians and figure out which style you prefer. Watch old comedians whose comedy still works, and comedians whose work doesn't, and figure out why. Watch [https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0328962/](Jerry Seinfeld's Comedian).

A lot of comedy and wit is templated, Dave Barry's for example. You wait for a slightly odd turn of phrase, and plug it into the template...my favorite of Dave Barry's is "which would make a great name for a band.

All this will make you funnier, and I guarantee it will be a blast doing it.

I've never been officially diagnosed with autism or Asperger's, but my level of social skills was so poor at one point that it came across that way. And I was treated like someone with a disability.

The first thing is recognizing you have a problem and it looks like you've done that. The next thing you need to do is that if you are serious about improving your social skills, you need to recognize it will take time to improve, and commit to a campaign of self-improvement that will last several years. It does take that long, so please make peace with it.

Your question about "how can I begin talking" is pretty broad and vague so I'll just point to some starting points. I very highly recommend reading this book The Social Skills Guidebook. It's very detailed and comprehensive and you will learn so much from this book about how people and relationships work, and also about mindsets and self-awareness.

I recommend listening to podcasts so you can hear more conversations and listen to how people speak to each other. And go into it having specific goals that narrow your focus, like "how do they talk about this one topic" or "what was interesting about this topic" or "how long did they talk about X before they moved on to Y."

You're in a difficult place right now and I understand. For me personally, one of the hardest things about learning about social skills is the nature of how realizations of mistakes and missing out on relationships come to pass. I remember reading about invitations in that book I mentioned, and I finally realized I was (and am still) rarely ever invited to things. I remember learning about how people apparently make more friends growing up and in school but it gets harder when they are adult professionals, but for myself I had few friends even as a kid growing up.

There are many social lessons out there that will make you rethink the way you lived your life, and run the risk of making you feel bad about yourself. They can also heighten your anxiety as you become freshly aware of the types of mistakes you will likely make, and the losses you will take as you begin to really put yourself out there and try.

If there is anything you should learn to get good at first, it is framing things in a positive light, learning to be thankful for each new piece of knowledge and understanding that comes your way even if it comes in the form of a hard realization, and being kind and nurturing to yourself always.

What are you interests? [Meetups] (http://www.meetup.com/), are a good way to start making friends.

Getting a girlfriend isn't as hard as it seems. It really boils down to your confidence level, but it's also a numbers game. (ie; the more girls you talk to, the higher your chances are) Check out /r/seduction and read the sidebar and top posts. Also, read [Models by Mark Manson] (http://markmanson.net/books/models) and [the Sex God Method] (http://www.amazon.com/Sex-God-Method-2nd-Edition/dp/0557036488). Another book is [Unshakable Swagger] (http://www.unshakableswagger.com/), I just bought it, but I haven't read it yet. I heard good things though.

Also read [Practicing the Power of Now] (http://www.amazon.com/Practicing-Power-Now-Essential-Meditations/dp/1577311957). It's a book on mediation and it'll help you relax and be at ease. Ted talks, [RSDJulien] (https://www.youtube.com/user/RSDJulien), and [RSDTyler] (https://www.youtube.com/user/RSDTyler) are amazing sources for motivation and other self improvemnt and development.

That's pretty much it OP, have fun and get to work! PM me if you have questions.

It's hard, and the fear seems like sticky tar that won't shake off.

You're young and have an exciting long journey of improvement ahead of you.
The core thing to focus on is self-confidence, but what does that mean?

Confidence that you are good enough just as you are, because honestly, even though I know almost nothing about you, you really are. Learn to define your self worth from within, because there is literally only one person on this planet who has the right to define that worth. You can choose to define yourself by the irrational fear of how the 'other' perceives you, but what you're really doing is defining yourself by your own self-consciousness, which is in fact yourself anyway. Learn to love yourself and no amount of hate or doubt will crack your spirit.

If you're worried about your looks, then work on them. Not because others will like you more, but for the pure and simple personal reason that it will make you feel better. Get acne medicine, face wash, workout, and eat well. Always treat yourself with the advice you would give someone you loved.

The last thing you ever want to do is approach girls with neediness. It makes you nervous because there are stakes at play, and it bleeds through your body language. You said you're fine talking with other guys, probably because you don't need anything from them. They are not tied to your self worth as it seems you've done so for women. You need a girlfriend because everyone else has one, there's something wrong with you because you don't. Fuck that.

One last thing, don't put all the pressure on keeping an interesting conversation on yourself, it makes no sense to do this. Conversation is a two way street, if you ask an open ended question and they don't give an interesting response or enough material then that's not on you.

'What do you do for fun?'

"I dunno, watch movies..."

You'll feel pressure, don't fucking say 'cool...'. I've seen so many conversations die because of this.

The most valuable thing you can do is become comfortable with the pressure and silence. Fight the pressure to say something. In fact, do this, next time you find yourself in a conversation, or a group conversation, pause and count 2-3 full seconds everytime someone finishes saying something. Only then can you say something. It might feel awkward, but just trust me, get used to it.

The most interesting thing to most people is themselves, learn to become interested in that (what makes the other person tick) and conversations become naturally interesting. That's the important thing, what makes people tick. 'Oh you like rap music? That's pretty aggressive music, are you an aggressive person?'. The topic of conversation doesn't matter, because they are all avenues to get to know who the other person is.

EDIT: One last book...

Hey man,

So, without giving too much information away, I hosted an independent music podcast with a rather large podcast group back in 2005 when things were just getting started. (Averaged ~300K downloads per month) In fact, some of the episodes of my old show can still be found around the net. That being said, there are a few things that you can do to practice speaking for a show.

Step 1: Listen to other podcasts that you like - set your mind to dissect what people that you like are doing and try and figure out WHY they are speaking in certain ways. You're going to find that experienced podcasters are very conversational and warm. That's part of the appeal of most good podcasters. They speak as though everyone were sitting around the living room having a conversation.

Step 2: Work on carving out your own niche - When I first started out I tried to emulate the old radio DJ's and found that the style didn't fit me. It sounded strange and off coming out of my mouth. So I scrapped trying to sound like other people and started to add my own twists to things. That's when I discovered that while most podcasters may sound similar, each one has differences that make them unique. It's this uniqueness that sets them apart. Radiolab, for instance, sounds nothing like Serial and neither sound like The Moth. They may all be well produced but the content and the voice is unique to each one.

Step 3: Don't try to be everyone's cup of tea. Seriously. Some people are going to think you're annoying and some are going to think you suck and some are going to think that your podcast is the worst thing that has ever been downloaded to a smartphone. These people aren't your listeners. Don't even worry about them. You want people to listen to YOU and what YOU have to say. When you try and be everything to everyone you just end up diluting yourself and then your podcast REALLY starts sucking.

Step 4: Equipment is very important. I started out with an iMac only. I did my first three shows with the internal microphone of the computer and the quality was shit. Eventually, I moved to The MXL990 microphone and a Behringer 4 channel mixer. I hosted most of my shows in a big empty room at first and then moved to a tiny closet with egg crate foam on the walls. You learn these things as you progress, and there isn't any substitute for making shows. As you make more, you'll naturally get better, but there is a learning curve.

Step 5: Find a group of people who are doing what you want to do and reach out to them for help. There are a lot of podcasters out there who will be happy to talk to you about gear, formatting, editing, software, hardware, content etc, but YOU have to take the first step and ask. What I did was wrote a boilerplate letter and blasted it out to five or six podcasters until I stumbled upon one who was willing to help me learn. Ask questions and leave your ego at the door.

Step 6: Podcast. A lot. I had over 50 shows under my belt before I felt totally comfortable and even then I would still find myself editing out 'ums' and 'you knows' in post. It took me a few more shows to get comfortable with my pacing. Some shows were terrible and some were amazing. The difference was always how relaxed I was going in and how much fun I was having. A few beers also seemed to help.

Good luck with your show and if I can be of any more help then drop me a line. It's been almost eleven yeas since I closed the doors to the show, but I still miss it sometimes.

To act yourself, you have to stop caring of what others think of you. A good quote on this is from Eleanor Roosevelt: "You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do."

A good thing I'd recommend for you to look at are two books, "What Every BODY is Saying: An Ex-FBI Agent’s Guide to Speed-Reading People" and "The Anxiety and Worry Workbook: The Cognitive Behavioral Solution"". Both of these are listed in the /r/SocialSkills full list of resources. I hope they help you. Personally I've started reading the first book mentioned, and I've found it's pretty good at helping me identify different body language. That book is especially important for me - I have Aspergers, and have always had a hard time reading body language as I never naturally learned how to.

First of all, kudos for being considerate and even thinking about this. i agree with what inathrowfarfaraway_ said. Your apology was nice also, even if it doesn't completely redeem you for that person. It's hard to hold yourself back when you have something on the tip of your tongue - especially if that's your sense of humor.

I faced a bit of the same issue and what personally helped me was reading How to Be a Gentleman Revised and Expanded: A Timely Guide to Timeless Manners (The GentleManners Series) & Essential Manners for Men 2nd Edition: What to Do, When to Do It, and Why

(I'm a woman, but why do manners have to be gendered) These books helped me think about why some of my jokes were of bad taste and made me feel more comfortable in public settings, socially. I started to recognize peoples reactions better, even if they were reactions to someone else's faux pas.

Or work through a social anxiety therapy book like the one in the sidebar

Everything is creepy. Learn all about manners and perhaps girls and other people won't think you're a weirdo.